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November 5, 2007

Cornbread Mafia wins at O'Neals

What's the name of the arena where the Mavericks and the Stars play?

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October 29, 2007

The Young, the Old and the Restless win at O'Neals

What is Elvira's real name?

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October 22, 2007

Big Jesus Erection wins at o'neals

This famed Hungarian pianist celebrates his 196th birthday today. He was a child prodigy who lived up to expectations. His masterpiece was "Years of Pilgrimage".

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October 15, 2007

Dork Sided Wins at O'Neals

This Syracuse-born comedian appeared in the films One Crazy Summer and Hot to Trot, and he opened for Nirvana on their final North American tour.

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October 7, 2007

Young Old and Restless win at O'Neals

What popular new show stars Michelle Ryan?

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October 1, 2007

Young old and restless wins

Who was the only pitcher in the Phillies bullpen besides the injured Ryan Madsen to have an ERA under 4?

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September 23, 2007

Young Old and Restless win at O'Neals

Despite the fact that this succesful lawyer and Supreme Court justice and Thomas Jefferson were related, they could not stand each other.

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September 17, 2007

Pavarotti Pall BEarer Hernia Club WIns

THis 19 year old has a #1 hit with the song "Umbrella".

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September 10, 2007

Dork Sided Wins at O'Neals

Belgium has three national languages. What are they?

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September 4, 2007

Young Old and Restless win at O'Neals

Woodrow Wilson, MIchael Bloomberg, Wolf Blitzer, and Spiro Agnew all went to this Maryland Institution of higher learning.

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August 26, 2007

Dork Sided Wins

Who originally sang the song "Bird on the Wire"?

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August 20, 2007

Cuz I Got High, by afroman featuring Phil rizzuto wins

What wrestler had a macaw named Frankie?

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August 14, 2007

Young Old and Restless win at O'Neals

Rove began his political career working for this presidents reelection campaign.

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August 6, 2007

Young Old and Restless win at O'Neals

What private school in Lower Merion did M. Night attend (and is also the alma mater of Lionel Barrymore and Brian Tierney)?

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July 30, 2007

Cornbread Mafia wins at O'Neals

Its more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
till I see ________ walk away
I see my _________ walkin away (Same word repeated.)

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July 23, 2007

This Dildo Tastes Funny wins at O'Neals

What building, completed in 1901, is still the world's tallest load bearing masonry structure at 548 feet?

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July 15, 2007

Young Old and Restless win at O'Neals

In what movie, directed by Joe Dante, did Corey Feldman play a character named Pete Fountaine?

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July 2, 2007

Dork Sided Wins at O'Neals

Who originally sang "Coming to America"?

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June 25, 2007

Dork Sided Wins at O'Neals

THis Academy Award winning actor got his start on Another World and, at about the same time, starred as Easy Reader on Electric Company.

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June 18, 2007

Who can Walk in this dreck pulls off greatest comeback ever

In what city was Jimi Hendrix born?

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June 12, 2007

Dork Sided Wins at O'Neals

When John White returned to Roanoke island, the entire settlement had disappeared. The only evidence he found was the name of a nearby Indian tribe carved into a fort. What tribe was it?

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June 4, 2007

Young Old and Restless win at O'Neals

This pitcher, who lost Game 4 of the 1984 World Series, would give up Pete Rose's 4,192nd hit less than a year later?

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May 30, 2007

Dork Sided Wins at O'Neals

Let's start with a tough one: Battle of Mukden (20th century).

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May 21, 2007

Dork Sided Wins at Oneals

Baku

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May 6, 2007

Young Old and Restless win at O'Neals

THis man, a co-creator of Spider-Man, also helped create Superman and the Hulk.

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April 30, 2007

Young Old and Restless win at O'Neals

In what town does the famous annual pony penning take place, attracting tens of thousands of skeevy Jerseyites, who apparently love ponies?

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April 22, 2007

Young Old and Restless (repped by cutie bartender) win at O'Neals

What was the name of Shakespeare's wife?

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April 15, 2007

Dork Sided Wins at Oneals

At what school did Timothy Leary lecture from 1959-1963?

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April 1, 2007

Young Old and Restless win at O'Neals

In the War of the Worlds, which sent people into a panic when it was broadcast by Orson Welles in 1938, what state do the aliens attack?

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March 26, 2007

Smart Teammate wins at O'Neals

This poet (and birthday boy) read a poem he titled "The Gift Outright" at John F. Kennedy's inauguration.

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March 19, 2007

Young Old and Restless win at O'Neals

What name was Bob Dylan born with?

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February 24, 2007

Young the Old and Restless fight off Bounty

The Young the Old and the Restless cruised at O'Neals on Tuesday, and Johnny was able to keep his $25. The only big name team to make it out was the Axis of Evil Knieval. But they were no match for the juggernaut that is the YOR, who walked away with a 95-76 win.

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February 19, 2007

The Young, the Old and the Restless win at O'Neals

In what year was Hawai'i admitted to the Union?

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February 12, 2007

Young the Old and the Restless win

Who was Joshua Speed Fry?
A) Lincoln's Vice President his first term B) His adoptive father C) Man who defeated him for US House in 1856 election D) Man Lincoln shared a bed with for 4 years

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January 31, 2007

Dork SIded at O'Neals

Dork Sided came away with a dramatic one point victory over the Young, the Old, and the Restless at O'Neals on Tuesday night, 93-92. (I ain't gonna have time for a week in review this week, so I'll just give you the winners as they happen.) Popo offers them his congratulations.

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January 28, 2007

Dork Sided Wins

Chuck Hagel.

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January 21, 2007

Young Old and Restless WIns at O'Neals

This man starred in Birdman of Alcatraz, the Young Savages, and starred as Ernst Blofeld on On Her Majesty's Secret Service.

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January 14, 2007

Young, the Old and Restless Win at O'Neals

Before he was executed as a traitor for refusing to accept Henry VIII's claim to be the supreme head of the Church of England, he coined the term "utopia". Who is he?

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January 10, 2007

Dork Sided wins at O'Neals

Bill Buckner gets all the blame, but who was the Boston pitcher who threw the wild pitch that allowed the game to be tied before Mookie hit the ball through Buckners legs?

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December 18, 2006

The Embrassments win

In what Christmas classic will you find Drew Barrymore's Grand Uncle?

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December 11, 2006

Shananigoats win

Ok, sunshine state is too easy. What is the sunflower state?

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Questions this week

Alright, I'm throwing up questions this week about sunshine, since today's weather has me giddy. So post your answers in the comments section below the pics. ONE GUESS PER PERSON!

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December 3, 2006

The Young the Old and the Restless Win at O'Neals

Who had a very popular album called Stone Cold Rhymin'?

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November 27, 2006

Young, Old and Restless win

On which Hawaiian Island will you find the Mount Haleakala Volcano?

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November 20, 2006

Young, Old and restless win at O'Neals

I got a letter from the government
The other day
I opened and read it
It said they were suckers
They wanted me for their army or whatever
Picture me given' a damn - I said never
Here is a land that never gave a damn
About a brother like me and myself
Because they never did
I wasn't wit' it, but just that very minute...
It occured to me
The suckers had authority
Cold sweatin' as I dwell in my cell
How long has it been?
They got me sittin' in the state pen
I gotta get out - but that thought was thought before
I contemplated a plan on the cell floor

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November 13, 2006

Young, Old, and Restless Win

Who was the only player to win the MVP of both the ABA and the NBA?

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November 6, 2006

Embarrasmintz Win

It's not far down to paradise
At least it's not for me
And if the wind is right you can sail away
And find tranquility
The canvas can do miracles
Just you wait and see
Believe me

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October 30, 2006

Three Amigos win at O'Neals

Darling. Light, of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just gonna bash your brains in. I'm gonna bash 'em right the f*** in. Ha, ha.

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October 23, 2006

Embarrasments win at O'Neals

"Though this be madness, yet there is method in it."

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October 2, 2006

Sing Monkey Sing Wins at O'Neals

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'd be willing to make an exception."

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September 21, 2006

Argh! Dork Sided is Jolly after win

Dork Sided cruised to victory at O'Neals on Tuesday, then remarked at some of the phrases people have googled to end up on johnnygoodtimes.com. Phrases such as, "gayometer, men in speedos, lesbian oil wrestling, I guess the rain is down in Africa, orangutans catch birds, and heaviest lobster ever caught" have led people to the site. Said team member Fly Jackson, "Something tells me that none of those people left the site disappointed."

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September 14, 2006

The Hottest Teams In Quizzo

Who are the hottest teams in quizzo right now? The Jams? Nope. The Kingdom? Nope. The Minions? Nope. It's the Young, the Old, and the Restless over at O'Neals, who won on Tuesday for the third straight week, and MAGMA, who will be gunning for four straight tonight. In case you were wondering if you had seen the above pic before, a couple of weeks ago, you hadn't. That's just your mind playing tricks on you. I didn't forget to get the winners photos this week, that's for sure.

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September 10, 2006

The Young, the Old, the Restless Win, JGT mails it in

Yeah, the Young the Old and the Restless won at O'Neals blah blah blah whatever.

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September 1, 2006

Young, Old, Restless finally return to the top, JGT bravely fights off laryngitis

The Young, the Old, and the Restless won at O'Neals won for the first time since early June, but the real story was Johnny Goodtimes heroism. After screaming his head off at the Wheel of Terrific, JGT woke up with no voice on Tuesday (rumors that he had the voice knocked out of his mouth by the roller derby girls he flirted with on Monday were determined to be untrue "unfortunately" said Times). But he drank lots of ginger tea and got in the steam room at the gym, and was able to courageously make it through. Sadly, it's been reported that the roller derby girls took no notice of his bravery.

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August 23, 2006

Can't FInd Parking Wins, Recognizes State of Franklin

Can't FInd Parking (aka Dork Sided) won at O'Neals on Tuesday in a thriller, 99-98-97, then announced that it was going to fully recognize the state of Franklin. Though the US Congress denied the claims of this city in 1785, the area (now located in Tennessee) hasn't given up hope. "Wow, now that Dork Sided is in our corner, the sky's the limit," said Franklin spokesman Franz Franklin. "I think we'll petition Congress again soon, and that we'll be the 51st state in no time."

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August 18, 2006

Don't You Hate Clothes Wins, but JGT seems more concerned with Tecmo Bowl

Don't You Hate Clothes won at O'Neals on tuesday, but Johnny seemed to have his mind elsewhere after the event. It seems that ever since he got Tecmo Bowl downloaded onto his computer, he hasn't been able to talk about much else. "Bo Jackson got hurt in the last game, so now I've got to rely on Jay Schroeder's arm to get me to the playoffs," said Goodtimes, who is playing with the Raiders (the game was created in 1991). "It's not going to be easy. I've got to get by Ickey Woods and the Bengals next week."

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August 10, 2006

Dork SIded Wins, Mourns Loss of Smooth Jazz 106.1

Dork Sided won at O'Neals on Tuesday, but the celebration was cut short the next day when they heard that Smooth Jazz 106.1 was going off the air. "What?" asked a dumbfounded Rod Stairwell. "No more Kenny G, no more John Tesh? How am I going to continue with my dull, monotonous, and meaningless existence without 106.1 providing the soundtrack?" Fortunately, Rod perked up when he found out that the new 106.1 was going to have Whoopi Goldber in the mornings. "Oh, really? Oh, cool. At least they recognize talent. I mean even her name is funny. It reminds me of a whoopie cushion." Then Rod laughed and laughed.

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August 6, 2006

Dork Sided Wins, attends KISS protest

Dork Sided won at O'Neals on Tuesday, then went to Cleveland to protest the fact that KISS is not yet in the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. "This is outrageous," said Ryan Hogan of the Dorks (above in blue striped shirt; top of stairs in below photo). "It seems that as soon as a man wears a ton of make-up, there's a grudge held against him. I mean, how else can you explain Larry Mendte not being in the Broadcaster's Hall of Fame?"

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July 28, 2006

The Week That Was in Quizzo

Tuesday night started off with a tight battle at O'neals with Peach Key beating Rolling In The Grass At My Friend's Wedding by a single point.

Then at the Bards the Sofa Kingdom triumphed with a score of 106. Narcotizing Dysfunktion and Wichita is more than double the size of Topeka, Jackass were tied for second, each with a score of 92, so it came down to a tiebreaker. How many meanings does the word Run have according to the Unabridged Oxford English Dictionary? Wichita guesed 30. Narcotizing Dysfunction's guess of 39 was slightly closer to the actual number of 464 and second place was there's!

On Thursday the lightning wasn't the only show in town as there was a barn burner down at the Bards as the Sofa Kingdom finished out of the money for the first time in a long while and set the stage for a new champion. And that's just what we got as Love the Kreme defeated Sweating Our Balls Off 89-85.

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June 29, 2006

Emotional Blowjob Wins, JGT worried about Manayunk

Emotional Blowjob won at a packed house at O'Neals on Tuesday, but after the match quizmaster Johnny G. was just worried about the peopleof Manayunk. "Man, oh, man, they are in the midst of a major flood, (That's the Manayunk Brew Pub, below) and I don't think Abercrombie and Fitch even makes a bathing suit. How are the Manayunkers supposed to deal with those Bad Flood Blues? My suggestion: Throw on your favorite tube top, crank up the Dave Matthews, make an extra appointment at Hollywood Tans, and start drinking those Red Bull and vodkas!"

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June 22, 2006

The Harsh Texters Pull off amazing come from behind victory

The Harsh Texters were wallowing in last place after two rounds of quizzo on Tuesday, but stormed back to pull off a shocking 91-89 victory over the Young, the Old, and the Incontinent by answering 18 of the final 20 questions correctly. O'Neals is unquestionably the home of the most unpredictable quizzo, as there have been six different winning teams in the last six weeks.

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June 16, 2006

Pen 15 Club Wins, Palestra Jon Worries About Health of Angolan team

The Pen 15 Club Won at O'Neals on Tuesday, then after game, Palestra Jon said that he was worried about the Angolan soccer team. "Well, they have to play the Mexicans today," said Jon. "And according to one of our most respected business owners, the Mexicans play in the same water and spread disease. I just hope that the Angolans don't catch any of these 'super-viruses' being carried by the water-playing Mexicans."
Related: Really, Joe Vento is a 9th grade dropout? Wow, but he sounds so intelligent.

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June 8, 2006

Dork Sided Wins, Refuses to Beat Opponents with Dead Chihuahua

Dork Sided came from behind to win at O'Neals on Tuesdyay night, then announced that they would, under no circumstances, beat their opponents with a dead chihuahua. "Beating someone with a dead chihuahua has no place in this sport, Johnny, and we refuse to engage in that type of behavior" said Shavlik Handoff of the Dorks. The JGT Ethics Committee drew up legislation on Tuesday night making hitting an opponent with a dead chihua a four point deduction.

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June 2, 2006

The Young And Restless (Sans Old) Impressive at O'Neals

The Young and the Restless won at O'Neals on tuesday, then expressed their disappointment that Nicole and Paris won't be reconciling in the upcoming season of Simple Life. "Yeah, it looks like they're still at it," said Cocktails Jackson of the Y & R. "I really thought that the show might bring them back together. I think this tiff is really a sad indictment of our society as a whole. I mean, what does it say about us when our two most celebrated coke whores can't even get along?"

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May 25, 2006

JGT All-Stars Win, Disgusted by guilty verdicts

The JGT All-Stars were victorious at O'Neals on Tuesday, but the win didn't brighten their mood when they found out that Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling had both been found guilty of fraud. "Fraud?" asked team member Brian Looseleaf. "Since when does turning a pyramid scheme into the 6th largest company in America constitute fraud?" Brian then told me that if I gave him $75, and I got eight people to give me $75, we could both be rich within the week. Sooooo, anybody interested?

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May 17, 2006

Uncle Jonathon's Corn Cob Pipe Wins at O'Neals

Uncle Jonathon's Corn Cob Pipe Won at O'Neals, then remarked that Johnny's new trashcan isn't as nice as his old one. "Tell me about it," said a despondant Goodtimes, whose well publicized trashcan dilemma began a month ago. "Yeah, I shoulda just stole my old one (below, left) back from the neighbors who stole it from me. Instead, I bought this crappy one (below, right) for $10 from the Home Depot, which as you can see has nowhere near the capacity the old one did."

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May 12, 2006

The Young the Old the Restless Win, Who Cares?

I mean seriously, you think I wanna spend my Friday morning writing some stupid story about a friggin quiz game? Get real. That nerd leader of you'se does it because he has no life. Well, I do! And I can't believe I gotta do this crap. So yeah, the Young and whatever won, and the dames at the O'Neals didn't ask me for my photo. What's wrong wit' dese broads?

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May 4, 2006

JGT All-Stars Return, Win; Johnny Shamelessly plugs myspace account

It was a glorious return, as former O'Neals powerhouse the JGT All-Stars returned on Tuesday to retain their crown. But Johnny, who has recently gotten so self-absorbed it's not even funny, used the story of their win for his own devious purposes: to get more friends on his MySpace account. "Seriously, I've got 90 now. Ten more and I'll have 100. That would be way kool," said the quizmaster, who says that he checks every day for messages and new friends, which he thinks might be kind of pathetic, but he's not sure. When pressed, Goodtimes conceeded that MySpace still hasn't gotten him laid.
Related: Join Johnny on MySPace, b/c his self esteem depends entirely on you contacting him!

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April 28, 2006

Young, Old, and Restless Win, Demand that we attack the Brits

The Young, the Old, and the Restless won at O'Neals on Tuesday night, then demanded that the Untied States declare war on the British. "They've been bitter ever since Yorktown," said Owen Sparks, "And I guess it boiled over when they saw Snoop Dogg at Heathrow. Well, they went too far, trying to push around one of our national icons. It's time for us to strike back." The White House is said to be "extremely displeased" with the Brits handling of the Doggfather, and a spokesman said that "All options are on the table."

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April 21, 2006

The old and the restless win at o'neals

A furious comeback in Round Four led to an overtime victory for the Old and the Restless at O'Neals on Tuesday night. But all was nto peaches and cream for the crew, as they found out afterwards that David Lee Roth was getting canned. "Man, I can't believe this," said Chippy, "I really thought the show was getting good, except for the lack of content, humor or discernible talent."

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April 13, 2006

Upset City!

The Boo Cubs Flickernose Emporium set a new record at O'Neals on Tuesday, winning for the first time in almost exactly two years. They weren't the only old schoolers in the house, as several members of Team Hater (below) made an appearance as well. But this was the Boo Cubs night, as they shocked the world with another win. "I'm just sorry that Mickey wasn't here to see this one," said Raul Rondesi of the Boo Cubs. Mickey was killed moments before the contest when Clubber Wang of the JGT All-Stars threw him into the jukebox.

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April 5, 2006

JGT All Stars Win, Look Great Doing So

The JGT All-Stars won at O'Neals on Tuesday night for the first time in 2006, but Johnny forgot to bring the card for his camera. So JGT got one of their old photos, went into Photoshop, and with just a smidge of brushing, was able to produce the lifelike picture above of the men of the All-Stars (The photo was taken after they showered immediately the following the game).

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March 31, 2006

Concentration Camp Johnny Wins, Johnny whines about hair

Concentration Camp Johnny won at O'Neals on Tuesday. The name was in reference to Johnny's new 'do, or lack thereof. Apparently everybody hated it, because nobody said that they liked it all week. They just said things like, "New do, huh? How about that." I guess they think that just because Johnny is an international megastar, he was born without feeings. Well, I don't need you people! My mom likes it!

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March 24, 2006

Peanut Butter Bumpers Win, JGT Feels A Nap Coming On

The Peanut Butter Bumpers ended the Young, the Old, and the Restless's three week run at the top of the charts with an impressive victory at O'Neals on Tuesday. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the combination of closing down the Bards on Thursday (What? Come on, it was Pittsnogle's last game. I had to drown my sorrows) and the six slices of pie he ate at Mama's (report coming tommorrow) made a nap all but inevitable for JGT. Goodtimes, who should be writing this article about the Peanut Butter Bumpers and not about himself, plans to be lying on the couch within the next 15 minutes.

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March 15, 2006

Young, Old, and Restless Win; think this is NW State's year

The Young, the Old, and the Restless knocked off a packed house at O'Neals on Tuesday night, then announced that this year the Northwestern State Demons will be going all the way. "You will amazed when this team wins the national championship," said Brad Motta of the YOR's. "But I won't be." Motta winked mischievously. "Let's just say I've got some insider information." In other news, the nation's best and brightest, Western Illinois really made it's claimas the "Harvard of the Mdwest". The group below (called the Western Illinois Spring Break Crew) not only finished last, they are also spending their spring break in Philadelphia. The college kids said that they enjoyed Philly as a spring break destination, "but it's no Cleveland."

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March 9, 2006

Young, Old, Restless Win, Attacked by Hairy Lobster

The Young, the Old, and the Restless's tears of joy turned to tears of sorrow shortly after the contest, as they were brutally attacked by a giant hairy lobster which was first discovered a few days ago and which now seems hell bent on world domination. "It was weird," said Owen Lukes, who suffered multiple pinch wounds and facial lacerations. "While on the one hand it hurt like hell, on the other, the hair of that creature felt really Downy soft, and I kind of enjoyed the whole thing in a weird sort of way."

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March 1, 2006

THe Young, the Old, and the Restless Redeem Selves

A mere week after embarrassing not only themselves, but their ancestors with a score of 59, the Young, the Old and the Restless came from behind in Round Four to edge Barry Bonds and the Philly-O's, 100-99-99, at a packed O'Neals. There were no incidents of boob-showing or rioting at the South Street establishment on this Mardi Gras evening, a problem Johnny hopes to have fixed by next year.

Barry Bonds Was Fat on Tuesday

Philly-O's

Barnecats

Ike and Mike

Team LBI

We Know Johnny's Real Name

Dork Sided

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February 22, 2006

History made at O'Neals

For the first time in JGT quizzo history, both the first and 2nd place finishers were one player teams, as Palestra John (left, playing under the name George and Osama's Port Security Company) finished first with an incredible 104 and Parsnip Cabbagepaw broke a tie breaker with the JGT All-Stars to finish 2nd. They weren't the only record breakers, either, as Mike and Ike (below) finished in a place other than last for the first time in team history (they finished next to last). It wasn't a joyous night for ever yone, though. Perennial powers the Young, the Old and the Restless finished with a humiliating 59.

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February 15, 2006

Hey Bobby, I'm Looking for a bad time, please call 215-681-5461 wins at O'Neals

Bobby Badtimes backed up his claim that he's a ladies man at O'Neals on Tuesday, as Hey Bobby, I'm Looking for a Bad Time, Please Call 215-681-5461 edged out If They're Republicans, Why Don't They Use Elephant Guns, 109-107. "This is so typical," Bobby said after the contest. "It's probably some girl with a really nice boyfriend who treats her well and buys her flowers and chocolates and s***. Well listen here fellas, that ain't what ladies want. What ladies really want...is a walk on the Bob side. Wooooooooo!"

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February 8, 2006

Arkadelphia Natives Win

It was about dadgum time for the one time juggernaut known as the JGT All-Stars, as the team won for only the third time in the past four months. The team, which hails from Arkadelphia, celebrated the win with coffee at the Arkadelphia Chamber of Commerce on Wednesday (as scheduled). Said team member and Arkadelphia native Brian "Boy" Tonno of the reception they received at this morning's coffee social, "People in Arkadelphia haven't been this excited since ol' Marvin bagged that catfish."

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February 3, 2006

Young, Old, and Restless Win Threaten Goodtimes

Johnny Goodtimes was seen shopping for duelling pistols at Wal Mart recently, after receiving the following e-mail from a member of the Young, the Old, and the Restless.
After recruiting a new member to our team The Young, The Old & The
Restless from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Law School, and
achieving a team win for the 4th time in 5 straight weeks (a 1 point
loss resulting in a second place finish the exception), imagine my
embarrassment at the snub of having our picture and impressive stats not
displayed on JohhnyGoodTimes.com. If this is indeed an intended slight,
then my honor has been questioned and I challenge you sir to a duel to
the death (weapon of your choice). -Owen
Johnny is widely admired for his marksmanship, and most experts agree that Owen has made a fatal error.
Related: The Code Duello

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January 27, 2006

Darth Ern Wins, Playing with stacked jams team in QB2

Dun dun da-dun dun du dun dun du duh
dun dun dadun dun dun-dun-dun duh dadudun dun duh

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Dork Sided Wins, Excited about Piazza Rumors

Dork Sided pulled off the win at O'Neals on Tuesday, then started to get excited about the rumors swirling about the Phillies acquiring Mike Piazza. "Yeah," said Tony Toni! of the Dorks, "Finally the Phillies are investing in a designated hitter. It's about time. I think you plug him in the five spot and...what, they're in the National League? Well, then, what the hell do they want Mike Piazza for?"

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January 19, 2006

The Young, the Old, the Restless Win, Smell great

The Young, the Old, and the Restless won at O'Neals on Tuesday, then revealed the secret to their success. "Yeah, we're all wearing P. Diddy's new fragrance," said Thad Butterscotch of the Restless. "The fragrance is Unforgivable, just like Diddy's career."

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January 11, 2006

Young, Old, and Restless Win, "Appalled" by Lohan story

The Young, the Old and the Restless won at O'Neals on Tuesday night, but were appalled when, after the contest, they read their latest issue of Vanity Fair. "What?," asked Otis Wingate. "They are trying to make Lindsay Lohan look like some sort of bulimic coke whore in this piece. That's outrageous! I mean, just look at the photo of her with Nicole Richie (below). Does that look like a couple of cokehead bulimics to you? I think not."

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January 6, 2006

Dork SIded Wins Again, Plans Rager for Good Friday

After Johnny asked the question, "On what holiday did an earthquake strike Alaska in 1964?", many of the teams were not happy with the answer (Good Friday). "Good Friday is a religious observance, not a holiday," they said. But the winners, Dork Sided, disagreed. "Are you kidding me, Good Friday is one of the biggest party days of the year," said Mookie Mayweather. "Hey guys, remember last year when we went out to Vegas to celebrate Good Friday? Man, we got wasted. I just wish there were more Good Friday carols."

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January 2, 2006

Dork SIded Wins, Resolves to Use More Spork in 2006

Dork Sided Won at O'Neals on Tuesday night, then spoke about their New Year's Resolution: to utilize the spork more. "Yeah, I've gotten in the habit of either using a fork or a spoon," said Mookie Mayweather of the Dorks. "I need to recognize how much easier my life would be if I used an implement that utilized the functionality of both of those implements: the grabbing of the fork with the lifting capabilies of the spoon. I'll be able to eat more efficiently, leaving me time for my other hobbies, like pottery and stamps."
Related: The official spork website, which has not been updated since 1996.

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December 21, 2005

Altar Boys Win, Being Watched?

The Altar Boys won at O'Neals on Tuesday night, but there were mysterious cameras seemingly spying on them throughout the competition, and it is believed that they are being watched closely by the White House. Though declining to go into specifics, Dick Cheney said that the teams solid performance was "suspicious" and deserving of electronic monitoring. "We're doing this for Johnny's sake," said Dick. "106 points aren't scored every day at O'Neals, let's face it, and so we felt like that justified some government surveillance." Dick added that regular American citizens should not be concerned, that this spying on American citizens thing will never go overboard or infringe on any of our basic rights.

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December 14, 2005

JGT All-Stars Win, Mock Johnny

The JGT All-Stars exploded for 108 points at O'Neals on Tuesday, then mocked Johnny for his collapse at the end of the fantasy football season. All Johnny had to do was to beat the Kid, who was 1-12 on the season, to make the playoffs. In fact, in a message on the league message board in late November, Johnny wrote, "The Kid's fantasy team...the worst ever? Discuss." Of course, Johnny fell to the Kid by two points, and with the loss saw his dream of a title dashed. "Don't feel bad, Johnny," said Bee Gee of the All-Stars. "He was due. I mean, he had lost his last nine in a row." Bee Gee then broke into hysterical laughter.

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December 9, 2005

John Rooney's Win, Don't Make the Band

The John Ronney's won at O'Neals on Tuesday night, but the win didn't improve their standing with Diddy, and they were unable to make the band. "Their voices were good," said Diddy, who I hate and hope gets hit by a bus, "But their dance moves were a bit too provocative."

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December 1, 2005

THe Young, the Old, and the Restless Win; Devastated by Death

The Young, the Old, and the Restless pulled off their second straight win at O'Neals, but the anniversary of the death of their dear friend Henry I put a pall over the celebration. "He died from eating bad lampreys," said Owen the First. "He should have been eating eel. I tried to tell him..." Owen's voice trailed off as tears welled in his eyes. Henry I died on this date 770 years ago. "Was it that long ago?" asked Owen. "It seems like only yesterday."

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November 23, 2005

THe Young, the Old, and the Restless Win; Make Outrageous Claim

The Young, the Old, and the Restless pulled off a victory at O'Neals on Tuesday, then followed the victory up with an outrageous comment-that Perkin Warbeck deserved to be hung! "Yeah, he was a liar, and he tried to attack the king," said Shelby Wellington of London. " Why shouldn't he have been hung?" Liberals were outraged. "We don't think a public hanging is what this country needs right now," answered Chuck McMicholson. "I can't wait until this idiot dies and his son takes over-his son is a man with some vision!" Henry VII recently received an approval rating of just 34%, the lowest in his 14 year reign. Early accomplishments, including putting an end to the War of the Roses, had made him extremely popular early in his reign, but his high taxes and questions surrounding his involvement with the Princes in the Tower have both hurt his ratings. Warbeck, who tried to impersonate Richard of Shrewsbury and launched a lame attack on the King, had tried to appeal the punishment, but an arbitrator ruled that the punishment was just, and he was hung earlier today.

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November 16, 2005

JGT All-Stars Win, Narrowly Avoid Disaster

The JGT All-Stars, already missing several players do to tornado related injuries, prepared for the worst as tornado season continued to rip through Philadelphia. "Yeah, I guess this is what happens when people leave the door open during tornado season," said Chippy. Though the tornado only did minor damage, it did inspire Chippy. "I'm gonna go home tonight and watch a really terrible Helen Hunt movie."

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November 10, 2005

Deb's Feelin' Spicy Wins, Attacked by Cormier

Deb's Feelin' Spicy's victory party at O'Neals on Tuesday night came to a horrific end when a knife wielding Rheal Cormier became the second Philly reliever to brutally attack a group of people with a machete and set them on fire. The team, who had won with an impressive 105, had angered Cormier earlier that night by stepping on his property. "This is a copycat crime," said South Philly police chief Booger McMullen. "We sense a pattern here."

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November 2, 2005

Those Republicans Sure Have a Good Sense of Humor

Those Republicans Sure Have a Good Sense of Humor won at O'Neals on Tuesday, then showed how funny Republicans can be with this website. Oh my, the French Army Knife! The Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky jokes! And damn those Dixie Chicks! Ooo-Boy, I hope you are ready to laugh the night away!

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October 27, 2005

Sweet Dave Burnsides leads Vikings to victory

Sweet Dave Burnsides (middle), a descendant of former Civil War General Ambrose E. Burnsides (below), led his team to victory at O'Neals on Tuesday. More importantly, he gave us an opportunity to write the name "Ambrose E. Burnsides", which is one of our favorite names ever. Sweet Dave is a little upset about his great-great grandfathers legacy. "Who the hell flipped around the words and made it sideburns? They were called burnsides and then some wiseass changed it. That's like someone having a stachemous. Preposterous!" Ambrose E. Burnsides may be dead, but the fieriness that made him such a warrior at the First Battle of Bull Run lives!

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October 19, 2005

Cru Thik and the 40 Bars All-Stars Cold Kick It

Cru Thik and the 40 Bars All Stars were victorious at O'Neals on Tuesday night, one night after cold kicking it at an NYC party held by AI and the rest of the Crew Thik posse in NYC. This from Dan Gross's column:
It's a shame Allen Iverson's rap album never got released.
The Answer proved he can rhyme at a party Reebok threw in his honor Monday night at New York nightspot Canal Room.
Holding court in the VIP area, Iverson rapped along with DX, while the rapper, on A.I.'s Cru Thik label, performed onstage.
The New York City law banning smoking at restaurants and bars must not apply to marijuana as the smell of Sweet Leaf wafted out of the VIP area all night long. Iverson, who sipped champagne instead of his usual Corona, was not seen sparking up.

Hmmm. Goodtimes and AI played each other in high school in Virginia, then they both moved to Philly, and now they both rap at major events. Am I the only one smelling something fishy here?

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October 12, 2005

Jon Cook Isn't Participating Wins, Can't Get Kirk Cameron Off Table

Jon Cook Isn't Participating won at O'Neals on Tuesday night, but were not as successful getting Kirk Cameron off their table. "We know that his 35th birthday was Wednesday," said a frustrated Gabrielle Bartman, "But that didn't mean he had to climb up on the table and hog the spotlight. He said he was 'Flexing for Jesus,' but I don't even know what that means." Click here to find out what's going on in Kirk's world, or click here to read this surreal story about somebody ruining Kirk's shirt in the wash when his father in law died. BTW, he ended up marrying the girl who was hsi girlfriend on Grwoing Pains. No kidding. As for his sister Candace, well she's married to some hockey player and has three kids. A total bummer. "DJ" grew up to be totally hot.

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October 5, 2005

Vinny Leads Dave Doesn't Give a Damn

A little bit of good news and a little bit of bad for Dave Doesn't Give a Damn at O'Neals on Tuesday night. They edged the JGT All-Stars, 88-86, but got some bad news after the contest. "Yeah, [team member] Vinny's gonna be heading back to New York to quarterback again," said a dejected Randall Bootsworthy. "He had hoped to stay retired and play a lot of quizzo. I mean, for goodness sakes, he's 58 years old. It's time to rest the arm and exercise the mind. But the NFL pays more than a $25 gift certificate, so I can't hold it against him. The Jets may be gaining a rifle arm, but we're losing a guy who really knows his 19th century authors. We're screwed."

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September 29, 2005

JGT All-Stars Win, Don't Impress Popo

The JGT All-Stars edged out the Young, the Old, and the Restless at O'Neals on Tuesday night, but the win did not seem to affect Popiko "Popo" Goodtimes at all. He continued to lie on his favorite chair, daydreaming about wet food. "My cats are really smart," said Goodtimes, "But they don't get excited about quizzo. When we play at home, a lot of times they even get up and leave the room, just to avoid the volume of the loudspeakers." There are reports that Popo's lacksadaisical attitude has something to do with his being offered for $2 at Johnny's yard sale on Saturday.

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September 22, 2005

Young, Old, and Restless In the midst of family squabble

The Young, The Old, and The Restless scored a victory at O'Neals on Tuesday, knocking off the newly bethrothed Brian and Meghan. It was sweet revenge for Victor and Sharon Newman (left), who long suspected Brian and Meghan of kidnapping their adopted baby, then ransomming it off so that they could afford to have Victor buried alive. Of course, it didn't help that Brian and Sharon were believed to be brother and sister, only to find out later that they were in fact cousins, and that the woman they believed was their mom was actually Sharon's sister, who was then buried alive and eventually kidnapped. Tune in tomorrow when team member Owen Spikes reveals that he is indeed Meghan's formerly kidnapped cousin, who has been posing as a woman so that he can get closer to Meghan, and, in turn, Sharon, whom he hopes to kidnap, and possibly bury alive.

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September 14, 2005

About that Purple Monkey

About that Purple Monkey ended the All-Stars Reign, and perhaps began a Purple Reign of their own. The team name was inspired by this posting on craigslist. Read it. And googling purple monkey brought up some great pics. One of them is posted below. If you would like to get to know the guy in that photo better, click here. I warn you, there is a page on his site where "Here I present information on the roads of my home region, the so-called Mid South."

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September 8, 2005

Another Day at the Office for JGT All-Stars

The JGT All Stars won again at O'Neals on Tuesday for the third straight week. The team was able to win despite the late arrival of teammate and good friend Mike Brown. "Mike got here just after the end of round four," said Chippy of the All-Stars. "I asked him, 'Mike, did you not know we were at O'Neals?' Mike said, "At O'Neals? I didn't even know you guys were in Philadelphia!'" The JGT All-Stars would also like to take this opportunity to send happy birthday wishes to the man they all voted for in 2004, and 2000, and 1996, and 1992. Lyndon LaRouche.

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September 2, 2005

All-Stars Win Again

The Johnny Goodtimes All-Stars pulled off another victory at O'Neals on Tuesday, then expressed their sorrow that they missed the Video Music Awards on Sunday Night. "We missed the VMAs to go to Beat the Champs on Sunday," said Liz Rizzo. "Yeah, we got live steel drums and breakdancers, but Johnny is no Diddy. He doesn't even make name changes yearly. And nobody got shot. And the VMAs had Kelly Clarkson. Johnny couldn't even get Justin Guarini."

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August 30, 2005

All-Stars Look to Defend Title tonight

The JGT All Stars will be returning to O'Neals tonight to try to defend their title. The Stars, who finished an impressive seventh at the Beat the Champs competition, have won 13 matches in 2005, tied with the Jams for the most on the quizzo circuit this year.

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August 17, 2005

It's a Family Affair at O'Neals

Oh Lord Won't You Buy Me a New Hybrid Car made it a family affair at O'Neals on Tuesday, knocking off the competition with some help from Sly and the Family Stone. Meanwhile, an impressive performance was turned in by Team Dred, a team best known for their collection of last place prizes, as they were able to finish second.

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August 11, 2005

A Hypocrite and Full Of S*** Wins at O'Neals

A Hypocrite and Full of S*** joined the ranks of Eeyore, Hans Solo, and Longstreet, pulling off a victory all by himself. It was no walk in the park either, as he had to knock off the likes of Defective Sidewalk, Whateveruwant and the JGT All-Stars (suddenly cold after such a hot start this year) to attain the victory. As quizzo insiders know, the Hypocrite is a teammate of Johnny's occcasionally at the Dark Horse, and there are rumors that he's the brains behind the squad, and that Johnny's just some cocky pseudo-intellectual loudmouth. Johnny asks that you not pay any attention to those rumors.

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August 5, 2005

Tables Turn on Possum Suffocaters

The Possum Suffocaters cruised to victory at O'Neals on Tuesday night, but didn't leave the bar without a few scratches. As you probably saw on Action News that night, the Suffocaters had just finished off their latest victim when another possum saw what was happening and sprang into action. "We didn't know what the hell was going on, pardon my french," said Raul de Champagne. "I think it threw us off a little that the attacking animal was wearing a lei." The leid possum inflicted heavy damage on the team. Things only got worse when the other possum sprang up on his feet and exacted his revenge. "We thought we had finished that one off, but I guess he was just...well, you know what he was doing."

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July 27, 2005

Whateveruwant wins, photo sparks turnover in ethics committee

In a move that has shakend the foundation of Johnny Goodtimes, Inc. to it's very core, Teddy Roosevelt, Jr. was asked to leave the JGT Ethics Committee shortly after the above photo was seen on the website. The photo, taken shortly after Whateveruwant blew up with an impressive 111 at O'Neals on Tuesday, was allowed to pass onto the website after Teddy gave it the ok without consulting other members of the committee. Said committee member Sparky Beefcake, "We cannot allow this kind of filth onto a family friendly website, I don't care how many points the team scores. The Puritan principles that have formed such a solid base for this empire have been trampled on." The Committee's decision to replace Roosevelt was not surprising. Tipper Gore has long hated such satanic rockers such as Twisted Sister and John Denver, and this is a sure sign that the committe is moving far to the right.

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July 21, 2005

JGT All Stars Win, Von Hayes Still Devil

The Johnny Goodtimes All Stars emerged victorious at O'Neals on Tuesday night, edging Whateveruwant, 99-97. But reports that Johnny made over a year ago about former Phillie Von Hayes being the devil still seem to be true. Here's a report a Drexel student did on Von Hayes last year. Von is currently a coach in Midland, Texas. Hayes played in the 1989 All Star game. (I'm hoping all of this Von Hayes talk will distract the team from noticing that something went wrong with the camera and I had to use an old photo. Shhhhhh. Don't tell.)

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July 13, 2005

Whateveruwant wins

Whateveruwant was able to squeak past I'm Just Here for the Lorenzo's at O'Neals (formerly known as the "As You Like It Lounge") on Tuesday night. We weren't sure who the person was who was hiding his face in the photo, so we called our friend, American hero Karl Rove. "Hey, that's Thad Butterscotch!" said Rove. "He didn't want his picture taken because he's in the witness protection program. He lives on 1235 Sansom, in apartment 12-A, and leaves for work each morning at around 7:30 a.m."

*By the way, if you missed the duck and cover work by Bush spokesman Scott McClellan in yesterday's press conference, I highly advise you to click below.

Q: Scott, some Democrats are calling for the revocation of Karl Rove's security clearance. Does the President see any need for that?

MR. McCLELLAN: John, I think there's a lot of discussion that's going on in the context of an ongoing investigation. This is based on some news reports that came out recently. I think you heard me talk about the importance of helping this investigation move forward. I don't think it's helpful for me from this podium to get into discussing what is an ongoing investigation. I think it's most helpful for me to not comment while that investigation continues. And these are all issues that some are trying to raise in the context of news reports. I don't think we should be prejudging the outcome of any investigation at this point.

Q: But the issues of security clearance and criminal investigations are often on very separate tracks. So does the President see any reason, any necessity, at least in the interim, to revoke Karl Rove's security clearance?

MR. McCLELLAN: John, the President -- first of all, let me back up -- some of you asked a couple of questions about does the President still have confidence in particular individuals, specifically Karl Rove. I don't want to get into commenting on things in the context of an ongoing investigation. So let me step back and point out that any individual who works here at the White House has the confidence of the President. They wouldn't be working here at the White House if they didn't have the President's confidence. And in terms of security clearances, there are a number of people at the White House that have various levels of security clearance. And I'm confident that those individuals have the appropriate security clearance. I haven't gone around looking at what those security clearances are.

Q: But, Scott, are you suggesting -- I think it's pretty clear to everybody at this point you don't want to comment on the investigation. But the President has also spoken about this when asked. So does the President --

MR. McCLELLAN: Spoken about?

Q: Well, he has spoken about these questions that have come up as part of a leak investigation. So does he retain confidence in Karl Rove, specifically?

MR. McCLELLAN: Yes. Any individual who works here at the White House has the President's confidence. They wouldn't be working here if they didn't have the President's confidence. That's why I stepped back from this and talked about it in the broader context.

Now, these questions are coming up in the context of an ongoing investigation, and I stated long ago, you all will remember, that the investigation is continuing, I want to be helpful to the investigation, I don't want to jeopardize anything in that investigation, and that's why I made a decision and the White House made a decision quite some time ago that we weren't going to get into commenting on questions related to that investigation.

Q: But isn't the difficulty that you have said to the public, dating back to 2003, affirmatively, Karl Rove is not involved, and now we have evidence to the contrary? So how do you reconcile those two things? How does the President reconcile those two things?

MR. McCLELLAN: Again, if I were to get into discussing this, I would be getting into discussing an investigation that continues and could be prejudging the outcome of the investigation. I'm not going to do that from this podium. You do point out some statements that were made. I remember well the comments that were made. After that point, I also remember going and testifying in this investigation. I remember well individuals who are involved overseeing this investigation expressing their preference personally to me that we not get into discussing what is an ongoing investigation. I think that's the way to be most helpful as they move forward, and that's why I'm in the position that I am. I'm not going to get into jumping on every news report as the investigation continues and trying to comment on them, because I don't think that's helpful.

So I think you have to step back from any individual news story or individual reports. Let's let the investigation take place. I look forward to talking about some of these matters once the investigation is complete. I welcome the opportunity to talk about some of these questions, but I don't think it's appropriate to do so at this time.

Q: Let's just -- just one final --

MR. McCLELLAN: And I think the American people can understand and appreciate that.

Q: Well, we'll see. But I just have one final question on this. The question of whether a law has been broken, a crime committed, is a separate matter. You're not going to resolve that; that's for a grand jury to decide. But we know what the facts are. We know that Karl Rove spoke about Joseph Wilson's wife, referring to the fact that she worked at the Agency. You've heard Democrats who say that -- say today that alone was inappropriate conduct. What was Karl Rove trying to accomplish by having the conversation he did? And does the President think that it was fair of him to do that? Was it fair game?

MR. McCLELLAN: Now, that's a question related to an ongoing investigation. The investigation continues, David. I think you know that very well. I've responded to that question. And if I were to start commenting on news reports or things related to the investigation, I'm getting into prejudging the outcome of that investigation. I don't want to do that from this podium. Let's let the investigation take place, and let's let the investigators bring all the facts together and draw the conclusions that they draw, and then we will know the facts at that point.

Q: But, Scott, there's a difference between what's legal and what's right. Is what Karl Rove did right?

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, I mean, you can state the obvious. I understand and appreciate that, and I appreciate you all. I know you all want to get to the bottom of this. I want to get to the bottom of it; the President has said no one wants to get to the bottom of it more than he does. We want to see it come to a successful conclusion. The best way to help the investigation come to a successful conclusion is for me not to get into discussing it from this podium. I don't think that --

Q: Well, wait, wait, wait --

MR. McCLELLAN: Wait -- I don't think that helps advance the investigation.

Q: All right, you say you won't discuss it, but the Republican National Committee and others working, obviously, on behalf of the White House, they put out this Wilson-Rove research and talking points, distributed to Republican surrogates, which include things like, Karl Rove discouraged a reporter from writing a false story. And then other Republican surrogates are getting information such as, Cooper -- the Time reporter -- called Rove on the pretense of discussing welfare reform. Bill Kristol on Fox News, a friendly news channel to you, said that the conversation lasted for two minutes and it was just at the end that Rove discussed this. So someone is providing this information. Are you, behind the scenes, directing a response to this story?

MR. McCLELLAN: You can talk to the RNC about what they put out. I'll let them speak to that. What I know is that the President directed the White House to cooperate fully with the investigation. And as part of cooperating fully with that investigation, that means supporting the efforts by the investigators to come to a successful conclusion, and that means not commenting on it from this podium.

Q: Well, if --

MR. McCLELLAN: No, I understand your question.

Q: Well, Fox News and other Republican surrogates are essentially saying that the conversation lasted for two minutes and that the subject was ostensibly welfare reform. They're getting that information from here, from Karl Rove.

MR. McCLELLAN: And again, you're asking questions that are related to news reports about an ongoing, continuing investigation. And you've had my response on that.

Q: At the very least, though, Scott, could you say whether or not you stand by your statement --

MR. McCLELLAN: John, I'll come back to you if I can.

Q: -- of September 29th, 2003, that it is simply not true that Karl Rove disclosed the identify of a CIA operative? Can you stand by that statement?

MR. McCLELLAN: John, I look forward to talking about this at some point, but it's not the appropriate time to talk about those questions while the investigation is continuing.

Q: So should we take that as a yes or a no?

MR. McCLELLAN: Go ahead, Dick.

Q: Can you explain why --

Q: Scott, this was a statement you made, on the record, 21-months ago. You very confidently asserted to us and to the American people that Rove told you he had nothing to do with it. Can you stand by that statement now?

MR. McCLELLAN: Yes, and I responded to these questions yesterday.

Go ahead, Dick.

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July 8, 2005

Doc Watson's Wins at O'Neals

The Doc Watson's Implosion Experience was able to squeak past the Sunshine Boys (below) at O'Neals on Tuesday, 91-88. Thehe Sunshine Boys had a chance to win, but were distracted when a 50 foot rattler from West Virginia attacked them. Johnny would like to remind everybody, once again, that Virginia and West Virginia are two entirely different states. Virginia is home to Monticello and Allen Iverson. West Virginia is home to 50 foot rattlers and Kevin Pittnogle.

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June 30, 2005

Doc Watson's Implosion Wins at O'Neals

The Doc Watson's Implosion was able to squeak out a one point come from behind win over the Johnny Goodtimes All Stars at O'Neals on Tuesday night, but the win was overshadowed by the HUGE news over at Live 8: that the Gert Jonny's had joined the bill! In an effort to appease those who had been upset about the fact that the Boss and the Roots were not going to be in the concert, promoters scrambled to find a fill-in that everybody would love, hip hop and rock fans alike. Mission accomplished! The Gert Jonny's, whose distinctive sound has rocked the Netherlands for over 20 years, are a band that has always received a ton of street cred (the vests you see them wearing are actually bulletproof, and they grew up on the mean streets of Haarlem, with two a's). Yet they have wowed rockers with their totally sweet versions of "Cum On Feel the Noise" and "Radar Love". The Gert Jonny's have made Live 8 a must see event.

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June 22, 2005

JGT All Stars Win at O'Neals, but not happy

It should have been a joyous occasion for the JGT All Stars. They won for the fifth time in seven weeks at O'Neals. But the source of anger was the American Film Institutes list of top 100 movie quotes. "Are you kidding me?" asked Chippy Sparks of the All Stars. "100 great movie quotes, and not a single one from Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure? No 'Tell 'em Large Marge sent ya'? No 'There's no basement at the Alamo." No 'Do you have anything to share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?'" When a spokesman for the AFI called Chippy's complaints "outrageous", Chip responded, "I know you are, but what am I?"

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June 15, 2005

Screw Scientology Wins at O'Neals

Screw Scientology: Katie Worships Us emerged victorious at O'Neals, totally screwing Johnny, who threw all of his best Scientology stuff up on the website yesterday. Well, almost all. Fortunately, he did keep one ace up his sleeve. How about this fun little tidbit: The first ever Church of Scientology was located in, yep, you guessed it, Camden, New Jersey. Just another notch in the belt for our favorite little town. Here's a little song I think you might enjoy, called "I'm From New Jersey" (just click on the Camden edition), and here's the lyrics so you can sing along! Screw Scientology member Hans Solo won for the first time in over a year.

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June 9, 2005

Johnny Goodtimes All-Stars Unveil New Quizzo "Active-Wear"

The JGT All-Stars had both the look and the smarts at O'Neals on Tuesday, becoming only the 2nd team ever to unveil quizzo-inspired t-shirts. "These shirts can really be worn everywhere, from the gym to the streets to Philly "hot spots", like Glam and 32 Degrees," explained team member Brian "Boy" Tonno. "They also have a special built in formula that gets rid of stains and helps you lose weight." Brian added that it was very important that you keep JGT All-Star shirts away from pets and small children, as well as electrical wires.

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June 3, 2005

W. Mark Felt Me Up Wins at O'Neals

W. Mark Felt Me Up was able to squeak past the JGT All-Stars at O'Neals on Tuesday Night, but their big win was overshadowed by bigger news: an upcoming article in a national magazine will expose the truth-that Linda Lovelace was Deep Throat! "I was completely shocked," said team member W. Mark. "I thought it was really Marilyn Chambers." Of course, a lot of people have been asking, "What would Nixon think about all this?" Well, thanks to one of Nixon's recorded conversations with H.R. Haldeman, we know.

Haldeman: Have you seen Deep Throat yet, Mr. President?
Nixon: Now you know that no good American watches that garbage. (pause) I've seen it twice. (extended snickering, occasional guffaw) I'm drunk.
Haldeman: What are we to make of this Lovelace?
Nixon: Lovelace? I thought it was Chambers. Well, I'll tell you one thing. Just because I believe that she could suck a bowling ball through a garden hose doesn't make me a crook. Listen, I know how we can get out of this Watergate mess.
Haldeman: How's that, sir?
Nixon: I tell them that Checkers had left his heartworm meds in the hotel, see, and that we just had to get in there...

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May 25, 2005

JGT All-Stars Win Again

Aviation disaster struck again at O'Neals, shortly after the JGT All-Stars pulled off their sixth win in the last eight weeks. The bar, which saw a disaster narrowly avoided a few weeks ago when an inexperienced airline pilot flew into restricted quizzo airspace, this time saw a blimp crash into the oyster bar across the street shortly after taking the winning team's photo. The photo was part of what was another hair-brained scheme by Goodtimes called, "Get your photo taken indoors by a blimp". Fans of johnnygoodtimes.com might remember that Johnny used to have his own blimp, but it never made it off the ground.

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May 20, 2005

JGT All-Stars Win Again, Opponents angry

The JGT All-Stars did not win any friends at quizzo on Tuesday night at O'Neals, edging the Peanut Butter Bumpers, 100-96. The Bumpers immediately protested. "How come they got to play with Boba Fett during the Star Wars round?" asked Red Askew of the Bumpers. "He really didn't help that much," answered Chippy of the All-Stars. "All he said was, 'Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold'. I'm not even sure I know what that means."

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May 11, 2005

O'Neals Not Evacuated by Small Plane

Players at O'Neals were probably not surprised on Wednesday when they found out that some guy had flown into White House airspace, because odds are it was the same guy that accidentally flew into O'Neals on Tuesday night. Unlike the frantic scenes at the White House and US Capitol, however, O'Neals was not evacuated, and the game continued, despite the incessant buzzing of the plane's engines. "The pilot seemed to know what he was doing, and I figured we'd just start a panic if I had everyone evacuate, so I just stayed calm and continued on with the game," explained Goodtimes. "I was a little surprised the propellers didn't lop somebody's head off," added Johnny, "But like I said, other than accidentally flying inside the building, I thought the pilot did a real nice job." The Johnny Goodtimes All-Stars certainly kept their heads, coming out on top, while We Love Skip (below) won a lovable pups calendar for finishing last.

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May 6, 2005

Dick's B****** Run From John Mason

John Mason felt more heartbreak on Tuesday, as a team of his former friends (Dick's B*****) were able to pull off a victory at O'Neals. The friends, who ran from John when they found out he was such a loser that he would take back that stupid b****, were able to blast past Gimme a Minute in Rund Four. John, meanwhile, went on television to let Dick's B***** know that he would forgive them if they would just come back and be his friends.

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April 27, 2005

JGT All-Stars Go After Phone Companies

The JGT All-Stars won for the third time in the last four weeks at O'Neals on Tuesday night, then used their platform to rail against the phone companies. "Did you know that AT & T produces gay porn, and that MCI just loves child porn?" said Liz Lisbourne. "That's right, AT & T is taking the money you spend to call mom and turning around and using it to videotape crazed homosexuals engaging in unholy acts. If you don't believe me, then just click here and listen to the mp3. I'm just glad Abe Lincoln isn't here to see this, or to act in the gay porn."

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April 20, 2005

Benedict XVI victorious in first quizzo match as pope

The Peanut Butter Bumpers, led by the newly elected Pope Benedict XVI, rolled to victory over the JGT All-Stars at O'Neals on Tuesday night. While roughly 40 people were inside O'Neals playing quizzo, a crowd of over two million hung around just outside on 3rd Street, awaiting to hear whether or not the Bumpers had won. The crowd cheered vociferously when the results were announced via smoke signals, then savagely beat several members of the team that called itself Heil Pontiff.

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April 17, 2005

JGT All_Stars win at O'Neals, My other cat gets new agent

The Johnny Goodtimes All-Stars were able to win for the second straight week at O'Neals on Tuesday, but their inspirational win had to take a backseat to Johnny's other cat, Popiko. Infuriated by what he saw as a major slight last week when his sister Malia hit the front pages, Popiko fired his agent Mr. Fluffles and signed with Drew Rosenhaus. Goodtimes was not pleased. "I've been feeding him and cleaning up his poop for over three years, and this is the thanks I get? A list of written demands from Rosenhaus, including a new toy squeaky mouse filled with catnip and an appearance on my website? This is an outrage."

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April 9, 2005

All Stars Win at O'Neals

The Johnny Goodtimes All-Stars were able to pull off a convincing win at O'Neals on Tuesday night, but the gals that finished last might have come away as the real winners. They were the recipients of the movie "London Calling" starring Mary Kate and Ashley! Here's a review of the movie from the JGT movie critic, Apollo Newhart:
If London's Calling, I'm answering! This movie may have gone straight to video, but it also went straight to my heart! Don't Stop Believin', gals! A+! Toootally rad! Mary Kate looked a touch coked out midway through the second act, but I felt like it gave her character even more energy! Make that an A++!
xoxoxo-Apollo N.

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April 1, 2005

PB Bumpers Win, At Center of Debate

The Peanut Butter Bumpers found themselves in the midst of a fiery debate shortly after pulling off a narrow victory at O'Neals on Tuesday. The Pittsburgh natives, who held up a Heinz bottle shortly after their win, were insulted when an angered patron shouted, "Hey, it's spelled wrong on the bottle! IT should be spelled with a 'c', just like the world's largest catsup bottle in Collinsville, Illinois!" The Steel City natives retorted, "No, it should be spelled with a 'k', just like in this strange spanish Heinz ad in which three hot chicks have their hands all over each other!" Well, at least there was one thing everyone could agree on; ketchup/catsup is a vegetable.

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March 27, 2005

Your Daughter's Locked up in Doc Watson's Basement wins at O'Neals

Pee-wee: "Where's the basement?"
Jan Hooks: "Excuse me?"
Pee-wee: "Aren't we going to see the basement?"
Hooks: "Tee hee! There's no basement at Doc Watson's! Hee hee hee!"
The following is from a Miami Herald story written last year:
Younger people may be more familiar with "Pee Wee's Big Adventure," in which the goofy man-child in the too-small suit embarks on a cross-country odyssey to the Alamo to retrieve his lost bicycle from its basement. Once here, he gets the bad news: "There's no basement in the Alamo!"
David Stewart, the Alamo's director, says he hears the Pee Wee question all the time, and that by now he can tell when someone is about to bring it up again.
"They get this little smile on their face and say 'You know what I'm going to ask,'" he said. "And I always say, 'No, we don't have a basement.'"

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March 19, 2005

Johnny Goodtimes All-Stars Win

The Johnny Goodtimes All-Stars were able to win at O'Nelas on Tuesday night, edging out a surprising Dysfunktional Alkaholiks team. But research into the All-Stars past turned up murky, as Johnny found this comic book, ostensibly inspiration for the team name, while looking under one of the team member's beds. (By playing JGT Quizzo, you are in effect giving Johnny the OK to break into your home and rifle through your personal effects.) I'm not sure what to make of this comic, but it really creeps me out.

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March 13, 2005

Peanut Butter Bumpers Part of Complete Nutritious

Peanut Butter Bumpers put the nut in nutritious (below)! If you also eat a whole grapefruit, a glass of OJ, two mangoes, two stalks of celery, a banana, a glass of milk, and a salad, then Peanut Butter Bumpers become a part of a complete nutritious breakfast. Oh, and their marketing team won at O'Neals on Tuesday.

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March 7, 2005

Short Bus Pilots Run Over Competition, Injure Two

The Short Bus Pilots were able to roll past Down Goes Pope, ending the Pope's dreams of a record tying sixth straight win (the Missing Heads of Black Sheep have the record) by a single point. The Pilots then rolled back to Nebraska in style (below).

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March 2, 2005

Everybody's pics from O'Neals

Alright gang, here's the pics from last night at O'Neals. The highlight of the evening was when that white trash chick that was at the bar pissed off a guy on Peanut Butter Bumpers so much that he had to change seats.

The People's Revolutionary Y-100 Army with the mysterious El Mustachio (is that John Oates?) in the background.

Five Strokes and Done

Peanut Butter Bumpers

A devastated Down Goes Pope after 5 game win streak ended by one point.

The Dysfunkshunal Alkaholiks, who made it all the way into third to last after round three, before finishing second to last.

MC Hammer's Bulge, with El Mustachio in the photo.

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February 27, 2005

powerful lust for red salmon wins, gets in hot water

The Powerful Lust For Red Salmon won again at O'Neals for the fifth consecutive time, but got into trademark problems after the contest. "How were we to know that Jenna Jameson has been doing ads for red salmon?" said Arthur McArthur. "I thought she just did ads for Red Snapper."

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February 20, 2005

Dry Heaving in the Fourth Round Wins, Sucks

In what had to be one of the most humiliating wins in quizzo history, Dry Heaving in the Fourth Round hung their heads low after their victory at O'Neals on Tuesday, as they knew every single one of the worst love songs ever. Things got even worse when an unidetified source provided Johnny with a first person account of team member Fidge DePardeu's (far left) CD collection, which included all of the following albums (below). "Non, non," said DePardeu. "C'est fabuleux!!! Je deteste le Mr. Monsieur!!!"

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February 10, 2005

Six Minute Drill Screws the Field

The Six Minute Drill took an early lead at O'Neals on Tuesday night and never let up. The team was led by Jacques Juicetoe (below), who carried on one of the proudest traditions in Quizzo. "I've always been a big Ron Artest fan," said Clouseau, "And this is my way of paying homage to the master."

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February 4, 2005

One Quizzo Team. One City. One Dream.

One Quizzo Team, One City, One Dream won at O'Neals on Tuesday night for the second straight week, as once proud Team Hater continued their descent into the maelstrom. The Quizzo Team, City, Dream then had a parade to celebrate on Thursday, but apparently people in Philly aren't quite as excited about quizzo as they are about football. "Yeah, like six people showed up for the parade," said Fidge Nagurski. "But hell, at least that means we got more fans than the Patriots."

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February 1, 2005

Stun Gun Nap

The Stun Gun Nap was able to pull off a victory at O'Neals on Tuesday night. Sadly, their team name was unfortunate, as all fans of stun gun naps quickly turned their attention from O'Neals to South Carolina, where a police officer tased a 75 year old woman at a nursing home.

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January 23, 2005

Maelstrom, aka the MBF Crew Wins again

The Maelstrom, once known as the MBF Crew, was able to score it's second straight victory at O'Neals on Tuesday. The win came despite a perfect round two from Ugly Ass Snatchers, who knew everything about N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys. "Yeah, me and Kevin are homies from back in the day," said Anfernee Youngblood (holding up peace sign). "We used to dance together in his bedroom when we were teenagers. What are you giving me that look for, Goodtimes? What?"

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January 14, 2005

MBF Crew

The MBF Crew was able to get back to the top of the mountaintop in a most triumphant return to O'Neals. There were numerous celebrity sightings, as Katie Sometimes and Jess Sometimes, former contestants in the "Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes Contest" finally made a return to the scene of the crime. And Brad Pitt actually played with the winners. While Brad refused to say why he and Jennifer...wait, who's that behind the team in the photo? Why, that's Angelina Jolie!!! That's the little whore who broke up the most beautiful couple ever!!! I knew it, I knew the rumors were true! Die, b****, die!!!

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January 9, 2005

University of Panda's Ham Wins, didn't steal nickels

The University of Panda's Ham was able to pull off an impressive victory at O'Neals on Tuesday, and said that there was no truth to the rumor that they had stolen 3.6 million nickels. "No way," said Thad Funderburke. "We brought all these nickels with us so we could play the jukebox at Johnny Rocket's later."

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January 2, 2005

Swimmers Swim in Money

Swimming in Sri Lanka was able to overcome its remarkably bad taste (as evidenced by it's team name) and roll to victory at O'Neals, putting up an impressive 105 points in the process.

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December 27, 2004

S2 wins again

Santa Clause's cousin, Skippy Clause, was able to lead S2 to victory at O'Neals on Tuesday. "Yeah, Skippy's not as jolly as his cousin," said Navy Jay Neidermeyer. "But he's a hell of a lot smarter."

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December 20, 2004

Team Hater Wins, supports Styxx latest venture

Team Hater was able to win at O'Neals on Tuesday, then took the time to promote the latest venture from Styx...a cover version of I am the Walrus. Seriously.

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December 10, 2004

S2 Wins at O'Neals, Steroids Involved?

The whispers grew louder at O'Neals this past week as S2 allowed BALCO president Victor Conte to play with their team. S2 was able to win, but by allowing a man who has been connected to Giambi, Bonds, and Sheffield to play on their squad, red flags certainly went up. The Quizzers Union seemed unfazed. "We could give a s*** about the health and honesty of our quizzers," said Union Prez Ronald Behr, "Just as long as those $25 gift certificates keep rolling in."

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December 6, 2004

Short Bus Pilots Rock!

The Short Bus Pilots, whose enormous collection of third place t-shirts had required that they build a new closet, was finally able to finish in the money and walk off with a victory at O'Neals on Tuesday. "We couldn't have done it without Hall and Oates," said Stanley Dewgood of the Pilots. "And don't ask me why John looks so small in the photo. He looks a lot bigger in person."

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November 29, 2004

Hater, Viktors at O'Neals

Team Hater was "Viktorious" at O'Neals on Tuesday night, as they were able to enlist both Ukrainian Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovich and challenger Viktor Yushchenko on their sides. In a rare display of national unity, the two men were able to play on the same team, and Yanukovich actually knew how big the largest turkey ever was. Yushchenko, sensing an opening, said that Johnny was wrong, that the largest turkey ever weighed 200 pounds and was trying to suppress the will of the Ukrainian people. That's when things turned ugly.

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November 20, 2004

Johnny Has to Apologize For Sheridan's Behavior

A tearful Johnny Goodtimes had to apologize for Nicolette Sheridan's recent behavior during quizzo at O'Neals on Tuesday. "I know that fans of Johnny Goodtimes are upset," said Goodtimes on the steps of the Capitol building, "And possibly even offended by the fact that during the entire quizzo, Sheridan did not take a piece of clothing off, much less bare herself to anyone. I know that my fans expect and deserve raunchy publicity stunts, and that Sheridan's clean-cut behavior on Tuesday was unwarranted and an affront to everything I stand for." A spokesman for the winning team, S2, said in a statement, "I just wish Nicollette would think about the adolescent boys she's hurting by keeping all those clothes on."

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November 14, 2004

Blues Clues Win at O'Neals!

The Blues Clues pulled off a major upset at O'Neals on Tuesday, knocking off Team Hater and S2. The father/daughter team did not have long to enjoy their success, however, as their friend Blue was sued for trademark infringement on Wednesday by Huckleberry Hound. "That did it! That did it!" said Huckleberry. "That smarty aleck crook carried on like their was never no blue cartoon dog before." Hound has retained the services of the law firm of Tony, Toni, and Tone.

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November 6, 2004

Team Hater Wins Again

Team Hater pulled out yet another victory at O'Neals on Tuesday, but refused the post game photo op. "To us, it's not about bestowing glory upon ourselves," said Jay R. Ewing of the Haters. "It's about bestowing glory upon the biggest badass band of all time: Tony! Toni! Tone!"

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October 30, 2004

S2 wins again. Finally!

S2 was finally able to win at O'Neals on Tuesday, marking their first victory since 1980. O'Neals, which celebrated it's 25th anniversary this past week, had not born witness to an S2 victory since the week of their first anniversary in 1980, when the above photo was taken. Tempers were kept in check between Team Hater and the Gorgonzols or whatever the hell they are after a heated back and forth in last week's comments.

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October 22, 2004

Ghost of Babe Ruth Sells Out on Yanks!

In a story that has shaken the sports world to it's very core, the reason behind the Yankees collapse in the ALCS was made evident on Tuesday night: The Babe's ghost has been playing quizzo, instead of cursing the Red Sox! The ghost, playing with Shrimps, Hoagies, and Gabbagools on Tuesday, was once again victorious in October. When reached for comment, the Babe said, "Oh, come on. I'm just so sick of haunting those bastards, it was time to do something else. Besides, the Yanks can hold a three games to zero lead without me." In other news, Team Hater, considered by many to be the Yankees of quizzo, scored only 44 points this week and walked out of O'Neals in shame before the contest concluded, saying they had to get home to watch the Real World. Feel free to comment on Haters sportsmanship in the comments section below.

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October 16, 2004

Team Hater Enveloped In Loving Flames

Flashing like a lightning bolt
I AM the violet flame
Stretching through the galaxies
I AM the violet flame
Connecting soul and Spirit now
I AM the violet flame
Raising you to cosmic heights
I AM the violet flame

For more information on the violet flame and what this spiritual fire can do for you, Team Hater, and Dick Cheney, please click on this and the links below. I swear, I did not do any of the photoshopping you are about to see.
Home Page
Dick Cheney

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October 11, 2004

Team Hater Wins, Ms. Scarlet Totally Hot

Team Hater pulled ahead early and never looked back at O'Neals on Tuesday, blowing out the competition for their 19th win. But more importantly, isn't Ms. Scarlet of Clue the hottest board game piece ever? Dude, she is so hot. Do you think Professor Plum was tappin' that? Oh, and for all you single ladies out there, calling yourself Ms. is the sexiest thing ever.

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October 2, 2004

Team Hater Wins With Perot

Now, now you listen here. There's a big difference between a crab and a crabapple, Larry, and there's just as big a difference between Team Hater and the rest of the competition. You see, the others are trying to put out a grease fire with lemonade, you see. There tryin' to skin a peacock with a blowtorch. That will not...can I finish here? Can I finish? Thank you. See, right now we're comparing hayseeds and dinosaurs, Larry. It makes no sense. If a jack in the box falls off the Empire State Building, it makes a lot of noise, but it still can't fly. Do you see what I'm gettin' at here, Larry?

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September 25, 2004

Team hater Wins Again (Finally)

Team Hater finally ended a major drought with a win at O'Neals on Tuesday, winning for the first time since July. Over the course of this drought, over 2400 people died. Tragically.

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September 18, 2004

2 1/2 Men Steele Victory From Sunshine Boys

2 1/2 Men, with a little help from Lexington Steele, were able to sneak past the Sunshine Boys (below) at O'Neals on Tuesday. "Man that Lexington Steele has an enormous intellect," said team member Tab Hunter. "I'll say," added Rocky Chizwell. "And it only gets bigger as the questions gets harder. I mean, his intellect could choke a horse."

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September 10, 2004

S2 Outraged

S2 was able to knock off the Short Bus Pilots at O'Neals on Tuesday. With the media exposure afforded them by the victory, they were able to speak against a grave injustice, making everyone aware of the plight of former Hooters employee Jodee Berry (below). "How could a company like Hooters do something like that?" asked an incredulous Chippy Freedman. "I'll never return! Well, maybe once. I mean, the wings are really good. But not twice!"

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September 2, 2004

Goodtimes Isn't On Time is Right

Goodtimes Must not Mean On Time pulled out a one point win over S2 on Tuesday night at the Bards, 94-93. Team Hater, who had a comfy lead going into the final round, missed the final three questions to blow what seemed like a sure win. As for Johnny's tardiness, Johnny critics were outraged. "Typical Goodtimes," said Bob Mediocretimes, one of Johnny's rivals on the quizzo circuit. "Yo, Johnny don't know the time, b-o-o-o-y-e-e-e-e!" added an exasperated Flavor Flav (below).

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August 5, 2004

S3 is Marvelous!

Not much has been heard from Marvin Hagler since his retirement, so his appearance at O'Neals on Tuesday was quite a surprise. Looking a little bit paler than in his fighting days, Hagler proved that the repeated blows to the head had not dulled his intellect, as S3 was able to outlast the Sunshine Boys, 100-94.

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July 30, 2004

University of Panda's Ham Accepting Applications

The University of Panda's Ham, a fully accredited University, is now accepting applications for the fall. We are a diverse, comprehensive University of national and international prominence. Our dedication to discipline can be seen in our motto: No lo hagas! (Don't do it!) Our football team really blows, but our quizzo team made it to the big time with a win at Johnny Goodtimes's quizzo at O'Neals, holding off the Summer Backslaps, 94-93.

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July 23, 2004

What the Hell Is Car Ramrod?

Car Ramrod won over a packed house on Tuesday at O'Neals, raising the question, "What the hell is a car ramrod?" Looking it up on google only made things murkier, as the picture below is off the website for car ramrod, which is about a 2002 Montana pee-wee basketball league. Hopefully, more details will be forthcoming.

Posted at 3:39 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

July 16, 2004

Plumbers Lay Pipe at O'Neals

The Plumbers not only won at O'Neals on Tuesday, they were also able to lay some much needed pipe right after the victory. In fact, Thad "Toolbelt" Anderson, felt like the job was so necessary, he didn't wait for the pic to be taken to get started. "We need to lay this pipe as soon as possible," said Thad. "She needs it, sure enough." (Thad's plumber butt has been pixelated to keep the "family style" atmosphere we at johnnygoodtimes.com value so highly.) Twenty minutes after starting, Thad, sweat pouring from his body, muttered, "I don't remember the last time laying pipe felt so damn good."

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July 9, 2004

Team Hater Wins, Hit By Plane

Disaster struck Team Hater again this past week, as only moments after a convincing victory at O'Neals, a small prop plane crashed into them. This, of course, occurred only a week after three members of the squad died when they were hit by a train. "It's almost like we're cursed," said Franz Fritzfurter of the Haters. "I really don't know what a plane was doing flying around inside that bar to begin with." Said O'Neals spokesman Tommy Lidpopper, "It was a publicity stunt that just didn't work out the way we had planned."

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July 2, 2004

Oh Come on Johnny

You've beaten dead horses before, Johnny, but this takes the cake. I mean, come on. Lafave was in the last story. This is pathetic. What? This link will take me to more hot photos of her. I just scroll down to the bottom of the page? Oh, ok, kool. Forget all that stuff I said earlier, Johnny. I was just messin' with ya. Oh yeah, and Dr. Bread and Butter and the Flapjacks won at O'Neals.

Posted at 3:51 PM | Email to a friend

June 24, 2004

Team Hater Wins, Hit By Train

Team Hater had a little bit of good news, and a little bit of bad news at O'Neals on Tuesday. They were able to squeak past S2 for the victory. Then, tragically, a SEPTA train ran over them. "I don't know why O'Neals agreed to run railroad tracks throught the bar," said sole survivor Miranda Higginbothom, who lost both ears in the tragedy. "Well, I was a big Silver Spoons fan when I was a kid," explained bar owner Tommy Knickerbocker. "And I wanted my bar to have a railroad track just like the Ricker. I guess I didn't think of all the damage it could do. My bad."

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June 18, 2004

S2 Wins

A streaker stole S2's thunder at O'Neals on Tuesday, ruining the fun family atmosphere Johnny has tried so hard to maintain. The streaker was still on the loose as this article went to press. "First the biker at Watson's and now this?" said disgruntled player Bob Mixalot. "You'd think an international megastar like Johnny would have a decent security force."

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June 5, 2004

Move on, There's nothing to see here

Come on people, nothing to see here. Yes, the Haters did win at O'Neals this week. This is a criminal investigation, so I can't answer any other questions. Come on, move along, find another website, do whatever you have to do, just give us some room to work here. Thank you.

Posted at 10:27 AM | Email to a friend

May 27, 2004

Hater Wins, Nixon Tanked

Team Hater was able to pull off a victory at O'Neals on Tuesday night, despite team member Richard Nixon being completely wasted. "He was just shouting about how much he hates janitors, and how he would never give Checkers back," said Hater Seth Muckraker. "It was embarrassing. I really wish Miranda hadn't invited him."

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May 24, 2004

S2 honored with Mural

After yet another victory at O'Neals, S2 was honored with a mural in South Philly. But their elation was short lived, as vandals spray painted the wall that very night. "This has all the looks of a Team Hater operation," said policemen Victor Garbonzo. A spokesman for the Haters, Miranda Ritez, said that such talk amounts to blasphemy. "We would never vandalize anything in lime green."

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May 15, 2004

Andy Kaufmann Lives!

Sunday will mark the 20th anniversary of Andy Kaufmann's "death", but the above photo proves that he's not dead at all, but simply a regular at O'Neals! As you can see from the before and after photos (Andy's on the far right of the team photo), his facial features have changed very little in the last twenty years, and rumor has it that he's still wrestling women!

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May 7, 2004

What is Johnny's problem?

Johnny lost the photo of Los Snachos after their impressive win at O'Neals. What makes the loss even more tragic is that they have cute girls on that team. "Mmprrh efffrtn," it sounded like Johnny said afterwards, but it was hard to tell for sure because he had his head up his ass.

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April 16, 2004

Upset For the Ages

Two weeks ago, it was an April Fools Day Joke, but on Tuesday at O'Neals, it was no joke. Philadelphia's new favorite underdogs shocked the world after everybody had given up on them. Everybody, that is, except for Mickey, who guided them to the inspirational victory.

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April 8, 2004

Flying Hans Solo

Hans Solo shocked the galaxy at O'Neals on Tuesday night, emerging victorious, 101-98, over S2. When Goodtimes told him before the match that the odds of him winning were 3,720-1, Hans told Johnny defiantly, "Never tell me the odds." Chewbacca helped a little bit in round one, but his loud screeching annoyed the other customers, and he was kicked out of the bar. "His feeling were hurt," said Hans, "But I told him to just grab a slice from Lorenzo's and wait in the Falcon, and he was kool with that."

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April 1, 2004

Boo Cubs Pulls Off Perfect Score

The Boo Cubs Yoga Emporium pulled off the impossible at O'Neals, becoming the first team in quizzo history to record a perfect score. "Johnny, those sixth place finishes we had been achieving in previous weeks were really just a mirage," said team member Nick Popadopolous. "We hadn't tapped into the other 90% of our brain. That is, until we read 'Dianetics" by L. Ron Hubbard."***

***Ok, Ok, April Fools. So Team Hater won, scoring an impressive 109 points in the process, but the Boo Cubs did finish an impressive second.

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March 28, 2004

Mini Fabio Leads Team to Victory

In offering proof that he's not just some small, vapid piece fo meat, Mini- Fabio led S2 to an impressive victory at O'Neals on Tuesday. "We weren't happy with all those babes on the site last week," said team member Holly Ratchit. "We wanted some studs on the site. The real Fabio was busy, but Mini- Fabio was nice enough to play with us."

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March 18, 2004

Milt Thompson Experience Scores upset at O'Neals

On a week when both the Haters and S2 fell to pieces in the final round, the Milt Thompson Experience stepped it up, knocking off Blue Steel, 88-86. I used to date the blonde in the picture, but she just wanted to use me for my useless trivia knowledge. I'm not just some piece of meat with an exceedingly large brain!

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March 11, 2004

Nepotism at O'Neals

In a highly controversial contest at O'Neals on Tuesday, Mama Goodtimes and the Haters were able to hold off the Shenanigans at O'Neals on Tuesday, 87-86. It didn't take long for the Shenanigans (several of whose members are currently under investigation by the JGEC) to cry foul. "This is an outrage," said team member Jay Schlitzenwacker. "I haven't seen nepotism this bad since Frank Stallone got the lead role in the movie Easy Kill."

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March 4, 2004

Haitians Celebrate Quizzo Win, Regime Change

S2 has always been extremely popular in Port-au-Prince, but their first win in three weeks set off mass celebration right here in Philadelphia, as Haitians danced in the streets til dawn. "I've never really been able to explain our popularity amongst the Haitians. I mean, I'm not even sure where Haiti is. But it's kool, I guess," said "Chippy" of S2. In other national news, Alan Thicke withdrew his endorsement of the Can-AM Express, who went from worst to first in just one week. "Alan Thicke doesn't associate with losers," said Alan in the third person, "Besides Kirk Cameron."

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February 27, 2004

Can-Am Express Runs For Border

The Can-Am Express was able to blow past the Isotopes in the final round to take the Phat Thursday Quizzo at O'Neals, as the Haters finished third and S3 finished an uncharacteristic 8th. The Can-AMers moved quickly to make a dedication after the contest. "Without the pioneering work of Alan Thicke, bringing Americans and Canadians together, I don't think any of this would have been possible," said Jason Taxishare of the Express. "He's an inspiration to us all."

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February 19, 2004

Team Hater: Caught Cheating?

To the untrained eye, it looks just like any old ATM machine in the city. But the Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee has eyes like hawks, and they noticed something fishy about the one in front of Team Hater. Upon further inspection, it appeared to be no ATM at all, but a supercomputer known in the Underground as the CompuQuizzo 3000. "We take this kind of thing very seriously, and trust you/me, we're going to get to the bottom of it," said committee member Jimmy "Superfly" Kielbasa. The controversy took away from a nice come from behind win for the Haters, who were able to blow past Los Snachos in the final round.

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February 12, 2004

Outrage at O'Neals

America's fears came true on Tuesday at O'Neals, as one member of S2 revealed herself during the team photo after the team had won a thrilling come-from-behind, 105-103 victory over Team Hater. "I had no idea," said photographer Johnny G.* "I blame MTV." An immediate call was sent out to the Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee. "This is an outrage," said Committee Member Sparky Beefcake. "I got kids. I don't want them looking at that bulls***." The real shame was that it took away from one of the most spectacular finishes ever, with S2 coming from eight points down in the final frame to win it.

* We haven't revealed his last name to protect his identity.

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February 5, 2004

Team Hater Wins Big

Team Hater was able to fight off the competition on Tuesday and win their second straight contest. But the real story was Johnny's birthday. "Turning 22 is a real milestone for me," said Johnny. "Before you know it, I'll be old enough to rent a car!" Johnny's critics were skeptical. "Twenty two, huh?" said long time nemesis The Prez. "What's he, a Cuban pitcher?"

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January 29, 2004

Don't Hate the Haters, Hate the Game

Team Hater turned on the juice in round four and blew past the competition at O'Neals on Tuesday. Meanwhile the MBF crew (headed by Lance Seacrest, below)appeared to be hungover after their weeklong celebration following last week's shocking win. They returned to last place.

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January 22, 2004

Philly Finally Gets Ticker Tape Parade!

All is not lost, Philly fans. The MBF crew have suffered loss after painful loss, week after ubearable week, coming so close to the top of the proverbial mountaintop only to have a rope snap and send them all plunging to their horrifying deaths thousands of feet below, gasping their last all alone in some freezing ravine, wishing they had never even existed in the first place. But they finally broke free of their losing ways on Tuesday, and the city celebrated, just like they would have if...well, I won't finish that sentence.

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January 15, 2004

S2 + 4 Bloodies Competition

S2 + 4 took back their title on Tuesday, destroying their competition and only missing one question the entire night. Caught in the wake of their devastation was Flyers Center Jeremy Roenick. "I caught Roenick trying to copy one of our answers, so I popped him one," said team member "Navy" Jay Wainwright. Goodtimes agreed with S2, and kicked Roenick out of the game. The Flyer responded by throwing a water bottle at Goodtimes, and is not allowed back in O'Neals for the next week. "Johnny Goodtimes has had it in for me for years. Three weeks ago, someone threw a television at Goodtimes, and all they got was a two game suspension. Wake up, Goodtimes! This is absurd."

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January 8, 2004

Los Snachos finally WIn!

Los Snachos was able to end a decades long slump on TUesday at O'Neals, blowing away the rest of the competition and becoming the only team all week to join the 100 point Club. The other story of interest was the fact that the seven astronauts who were the first to ever visit the surface of Mars played Quizzo only hours after their return from the Red Planet. "It was tough to readjust to the earth's atmosphere after spending the previous eight days on Mars, and I think that helps explain our ninth place finish,' said astronaut Chip Nutley. "You think jet lag coming back from the West Coast is tough..."

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December 31, 2003

S and Snowflake Win Without "Chippy"*

S and the Snowflakes were able to win without superstar "Chippy"** on Tuesday at O'Neals. Even without "Chippy"***, who was out on a "business trip"%, the Snowflakes were able to hold off the MBF Crew (another late game meltdown) and the Social Alcoholics (blew it in overtime and handed MBF the second place award.)

* Not his real name
** We made his photo blurry so you can't identify him
*** But we'll rat him out for the right price
% if you know what we mean

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December 24, 2003

Grinch Steals MBF's Christmas

The Grinch stole the MBF Crew's X-mas on Tuesday at O'Neals. MBF had the lead throughout, and had a chance at their first ever win, until they missed the final question, about the Grinch. S2 got it correct,and squeaked out an 88-86 win.

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December 17, 2003

Team Hater Wins One for the Mipper

Team Hater, playing without one of their best playas, was able to end S2's dynasty with a victory on Tuesday. Miranda Hotplate, known to friends as the Mipper, was out with an illness, and the team fell behind early. That's when Knute Rockne showed up. "He told us he had recently been at Miranda's bedside," said team member Loco Ono. "He said that Miranda, summoning all of her strength, said, 'Coach, one of these days, when the chips are down and the breaks are getting the boys, tell 'em to win one for the Mipper." The Haters responded, holding off second place Los Snachos 98-93.

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December 10, 2003

Dynasty at O'Neals

A Dynasty is forming at O'Neals, so it came as no real surprise this week when Blake Carrington, Krystle Carrington, and Alexis Colby made an appearance to help S2 celebrate their fourth straight win. "I was a little nervous with both Blake and Alexis at the same bar," said S2 team member Stu Blankenship. "They've been rivals ever since the divorce. I thought their would be some bad blood after Alexis married Cecil Colby and never told Blake about the daughter she had kept hidden from him. Though they got along alright, I felt like Alexis was plotting something throughout the course of the night." Said Sandy Grotehouse, of second place "Los Snachos", "I was just glad to see Krystle doing so well after the coma."

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December 3, 2003

S Squared Wins Again

S2+2 got the rare three peat on Tuesday at O'Neals, winning for the third consecutive time. They were able to hold off the Can-Am Express, 86-80. Team Hater and Los Snachos, once proud franchises, have fallen mightily. They scored 65 and 64 points respectively. "We picked up a few new teammates," said Team Hater member Carmen San Bernadino. "And they're really dumb."

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November 26, 2003

S Squared Wins Again

S Squared won again at O'Neals on Tuesday, holding off the second place Bluesharps when the Harps scratched out the correct answer on the last question. S Squared picked up several new members, and they helped the team achieve a repeat. Team Hater, also known as team turmoil, fired a couple of players and picked up a couple of people off waivers. Things looked promising after two rounds, as they had a perfect score, but they fell to pieces in the True/False round, getting only three correct.

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November 19, 2003

S3 Ends Drought; Paris Is A Slut Chokes Again

S3, who had not won since the inaugural Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo at O'Neals, was finally able to win again, holding off Fans, Not Groupies, 88-86. Parisisaslut.com (pictured at bottom right) had a comfortable lead going into the final round, but choked for the second consecutive week." Johnny replied, "I haven't seen a choker this big since Latrell Sprewell!" When told of Johnny's comments, Latrell was not amused. "Come on, Johnny. That's pretty weak. That jokes a little dated, don't you think? No wonder you got booed off the stage during your comedy gig at Muhlenberg University."

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November 12, 2003

Diflucan Can!

Diflucan was able to break free from the pack while at the same time breaking free from yeast (I have no idea what that means, they just told me to say it.) Anyways, they were able to hold off a stingy Team Cirrhosis, 87-80, to get back on the winners podium. Meanwhile Team Hater, who scored a controversial victory last week, was severely punished by the Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee. "I can't believe we had to play with Jessica Simpson," said one team member. "I mean, she's hot and all, but damn, what a dumb bitch." Team Hater finished a worst ever sixth.

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November 5, 2003

Controversy at O'Neals

There was turmoil at O'Neals on Tuedsday night, as Team Hater destroyed the competition. But it was Team Hater's newest member that drew the most ire.

"Albert Einstein is probably, like, the smartest dude ever," said Bert Toastwax, a member of one of the losing teams. "There's no way he should be allowed to play Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular."

"Yeah," chimed in Sandy Popadopalous, "And I thought it was totally unfair that the wild card round topic this week was quantum physics."

Johnny Goodtimes said that the quantum physics thing was "a strange coincidence," but not everybody was buying it.

"Then how come there were three questions in Round Four about the theory of relativity?" asked Spector Jackson.

The Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee has promised to look into any possible improprieties.

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October 29, 2003

Team Hater Playa Hates

Team Hater, coming off a devastating defeat at the hands of the Snachos last week, rallied the troops and walked out of O'Neals with a convincing win. The Snachos never really warmed up, their minds remaining chili (Sorry. That was a real stretch.) SLS, version 2.1 made a run at the end, but came up short, 94-88. Those were the high scores of the night, by the way.

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October 22, 2003

Snachos Rebound!

After a bitter, heartbreaking loss at the hands of Pudge Rodriguez and Team Hater in overtime last week, the Snachos started slowly but came back and outlasted SLS to win 80-75, in the Johnny Goodtimes Spectacular at O'Neals. SLS darted out to an early 11-6 lead after round one, but the Snachos stayed the course and had the game tied up after round three. After an emotional win last week, Team Hater seemed drained and never really got on track, finishing with 72.

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October 15, 2003

Fan Costs Team Title!

In one of the most exciting match-ups of the season, Team Hater was able to pull off a victory in overtime, 99-98, when Pudge Rodriguez, who has come up huge in these last few weeks, answered three of five questions correctly in OT. The controversy came when a fan reached out and swiped a correct answer out of the minds of the Snachos. The fan, who is as of yet unidentified, had to be led out of O'Neals by police. Fans of the team were outraged. "That idiot just reached out and stole that answer from the minds of the Snachos. Johnny should have called fan interference." The Snachos have not won a Johnnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular since 1908, and many think they are cursed. (O'Neals does not permit billy goats inside the bar.)

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October 8, 2003

Whatchamacallit wins cliffhanger

Whatchamacallit fought off Team Hater in round four of the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular to win a squeaker, 94-89. Defending champ SLS finished 3rd with a score of 74.

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October 1, 2003

SLM Wins in Blowout

SLM Sliced, Leveled and Mutilated the competition at O'Neals on Tuesday night, recording a blowout 87-74 win over Adam Shapiro and the RoadTrippers. SLM led from beginning to end. The most disappointing performance came from Quattros Equis, who fell to pieces and recorded a meager 61.

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September 24, 2003

Team Hater Blows Out Field

Team Hater became only the second team to crack triple digits with a score of 100 yesterday, blowing out the second place Tres Equis, who finished with 87 points. Team Hater took an early lead and never looked back.

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