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December 4, 2006

Bobby Badtimes is Back! Beware his Wrath!

A lot of youse been wondering where I've been. Well, it's simple. I've been spending a lot of time in exotic foreign places that people like you can't afford to go to, and spending my evenings wining and dining women who wouldn't give losers like youse the time of day. Finally the funds ran a little low, so I agreed to write a little piece for this pathetic website that about two of youse read for anything other than the question of the week. Here goes:

Hey hipsters. I've had just about enough of you greasy annoying whiners who buy $10 ugly ass shirts at a second hand boutique for $20 so you can say that it's used and listen to bands that suck on the offchance that the band gets a record deal someday so that then you can say that you saw them at the Khyber back in the day and "To be honest, you weren't really that impressed." Hey hipsters, here's a few tips: pants legs rolled up look stupid, bed head looks stupid, you are ugly, you are an idiot. I hope Vladimir Putin finds you and slips polonium 210 into your Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Hey BCS. Nice job with your ingenious system. Why waste time and energy with an actual game to determine who is better, Michigan or Florida, when a mathematical system on a computer can determine it for you? In fact, why don't we just hire Stephen Hawking to devise a mathematical formula to determine who the best team is at the start of the season, and then we don't have to play a single game! I hope at least one family member of someone associated with the BCS system is eaten, ironically, by real live wolverine.

Hey Britney Spears, thanks for proving that no matter how succesful you are, no matter how much money you make, no matter how many albums you sell, the old maxim holds unwaveringly true: once a piece of white trash, always a piece of white trash.

Hey pushcart thing that holds my laundry basket, when I pop a pushcart wheelie to clear a curb, the front tires need to go higher. Otherwise said cart hits the curb, tips forward, I fall on top of it, crash onto the sidewalk with a cut on my leg, dirty clothes strewn about me, and complete strangers laugh at my misfortune. I simply can't have that happen again! You hear me? Never again!

Hey asteroid that destroyed dinosaurs: What were you thinking? Do you have any idea how cool it would be if dinosaurs still existed, and could be trained to devour hipsters and everyone associated with the BCS, as well as Nancy Grace and Kevin Federline? It would be awesome! And you had to go and f*** it up. I hope you're happy.

Johnny's buddy D-Mac is doing a person of the year thing on his website. You are going to nominate someone. We both know who that someone is. If you don't know, I'll give you two hints: blueberries and New Year's Eve. Click here Contact D-Mac.

My name is Bobby Badtimes. Beware my wrath!
RELATED: Join Bobby on Myspace.

Posted at 2:47 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (11)

May 11, 2006

Barry Bonds is good for baseball, you hypocrites

Philadelphia is the city that should be most ashamed of the way it treated Barry Bonds, because they were the most hypocritical about it. This is a city that prides itself on loving athletes who do whatever it takes to win, and yet when an athlete comes in here that has done everything possible, within the rules of the sport, to make himself better, he gets roundly booed. Bonds would have been given a standing ovation by the fans of Philadelphia if their actions backed up their words. As it is, they are all just boorish jerks looking for an excuse to boo.

Barry Bonds did steroids. So what? So did Phillies pitcher Ryan Franklin, but you don't see Phillies fans booing him. At least, not until he starts pitching. And let's face it; was it not brutally obvious that Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were on the juice during that great chase of '98 that gave us all the fuzzies? So why does Barry not get treated like the star athlete that he is when he comes to Philly? Because he doesn't operate under a facade of niceness, b/c his p.r. people don't tell him to offer up a bunch of b.s. about "taking it one day at a time" and giving "110 percent"? You people always complain about how boring athletes are, then you get a guy who speaks his mind and you decide to hate him. Pathetic.

But what this really comes down to is the rules. Should Cy Young be villified b/c he was allowed to throw the spitball, which is now against the rules? No, so why should Bonds be villified for using steroids at a time when they were not only legal in baseball, but encouraged? It's obvious that McGuire woulda never hit all those homers and gotten all those endorsement deals without the help of steroids, so why should Bonds be treated any differently than McGuire? The fact that baseball encouraged steroid use is baseball's fault, not Bonds's fault. He saw an opportunity to improve his game, and make himself better and his team better. And he did so in a way that he knew could potentially hurt his own health. He did what all the great ones do: He put it all on the line to improve his game within the framework of the rules. And you people, who call yourselves baseball fans, booed him. You just don't know baseball.

My name is Bobby Badtimes. Beware my wrath!

Posted at 4:03 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (8)

May 7, 2006

Bobby Badtimes to host quizzo this week

I will be hosting quizzo this week, and I'm going in with only one goal. I want, at the end of each of the six contests I host this week, to see at least one person in tears. Don't come to quizzo if you are expecting "good times", b/c there will none. I will be drinking too much, saying inappropriate things at precisely the wrong time, and throwing long, awkward, uncomfortable stares at you women. I will be cussing like a sailor. I implore you to not bring children to the bar. If all goes according to plan, I will punch at least two of you in the face by the end of the week.
Related: Don't Join Bobby on Myspace. He doesn't want you to.

Posted at 5:35 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

April 19, 2006

Beware My Wrath!!!

Bobby Badtimes here. Well, spring is in the air, and you know what that means...that pedestrians start getting real cocky. Somehow the warm weather makes them feel like a 2,500 lb. piece of steel moving at 25-30 mph can't inflict major damage on their internal organs. So they just saunter out in front of you in your car, sometimes even looking you in the eyes as if to say, "I'm a pedestrian, and I alllllllways have the right away, no matter what the light says." But I've come up witha neat little approach to deal with this problem: I'm going to start hitting two of you a week with my car until this bull**** stops. Not hard, I'm not trying to kill anybody here. Just a gentle little tap to take out your knees and send you sprawling to the pavement. Just hard enough to send a message that you're on my road, and I'm the one with the deadly piece of steel.

In case you were wondering what Goodtimes is up to today, I noticed him in three different coffee shops, speaking as if addressing himself but in a voice just loud enough for everyone within 20 feet to hear, "Hmmmmm...I wonder if there is anything interesting in today's Philadelphia Metro. Why, this looks intriguing." Yeah, JGT, your photo on the cover was kind of nice. Too bad that the pic in the article makes you look like you're gonna kill and eat a family of four after you finish your pizza.

Hey Sixers, thanks for a really memorable season. My God, I think I'd rather be a fan of the Washington Generals. They may be the only team in basketball that loses more than the Sixers, but at least their players show up on time.

Hey hole in my den ceiling. You are a real embarrassment. Ol' Bobby B. can't even explore his high level of jumpability b/c he's ashamed of girls seeing right thru you. You disgust me with your existence.

I read this headline yesterday: Paris Hilton's Next Move. I was hoping that the next sentence would read, "She's buying a gun and blowing her own brains out," but no such luck. Instead she's recording an album. Yep, that means that both Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton are releasing an album this year. Am I the only one who occasionally finds themselves rooting for the terrorists?

Hey Don Rumsfeld, don't worry about what every single human being on the face of the planet earth besides our president thinks about you. You are NOT a cataclysmic failure of a man, a pathetic buffoon whose brain is composed of human excrement, or one of the most incomepetent creatures (and I am including dung beetles here) to ever grace the face of the planet. So don't listen to the haters. Just keep doin' how you do.

My name is Bobby Badtimes. Beware my Wrath!
RELATED: More Bobby Badtimes.

Posted at 3:38 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (4)

February 14, 2006

Beware my holiday wrath

Aw, isn't it just the cutest holiday of the year? The day where every man in America, if only for a second, thinks about taking a flamethrower to the house of their ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend. And where every female thinks, "S***, I guess I gotta give it up tonight just because he bought me a $2 card and took me out to eat at Applebees" (15th and Locust, now hiring!) Yep, I do love Valentine's. Nothing like socially forced sentimentality to say, "I love you."

I was at a dinner party a few weeks ago where I was quoted as saying, "I won't stop hating Dick Cheney until the day he shoots a Republican lawyer in the face." I'm at the Dollar General now, purchasing incense for my new shrine.

Hey Philadelphia Metro (We're just like the USA Today, only s****ier), nice job posting Philly's best quizzoes. I was surprised you didn't include Gervase's.

Hey Gervase. Seriously dude, it's over. Just...I'm sorry, I really liked you in Survivor, but it's over, dawg. Let it go.

Hey Muslims. Seriously, just calm the f*** down. You're behaving like "Dwayne" in the 700 level when Ronde Barber returned that INT for a touchdown in the 2002 NFC championship game. Don't you understand the concept of freedom of...wait, what? They burned down a McDonald's? Carry on, then. Carry on.

Hey guys with girlfriends. You think you're all hot s***, walking around town, holding hands and kissing and all. Well hey, you remember last week when your girlfriend ran out to "get some milk?" She wasn't getting milk, brother. No, she was running her hands through the ol' Bobby Badtimes permanent ($35 at the unisex salon in Upper Darby). To be the man, you gotta beat the man. Wooooooooo!

Hey figure skating. Look me in the eyes when I tell you this. YOU...F******...SUCK. The only thing that could make me watch figure skating is if they started releasing live bulls onto the ice during the programs. Angry, deadly, hungry bulls.

My name is Bobby Badtimes. Beware my holiday wrath!!!

Posted at 3:14 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (5)

November 14, 2005

The Return of Bobby Badtimes

No time for pleasantries. Hey Geno's, why don't you take your Mississippi white trash act somewhere else? "This is America, Please speak English when ordering". Quick question: Were your ancestors speaking the King's English when they got off the boat? I'm pretty sure mine weren't. In fact, I think they were moving to America to get away from the kind of pretentious ignorance you so proudly display. Then again, I might be more willing to let this transgression slide if you weren't the Ride the Ducks of cheesesteaks: loved by tourists, but you don't see any locals waiting in line.

Hey Philadelphia Weekly: Enjoyed the irony of your latest cover story. On the one hand, hipsters do kind of suck. On the other hand, aren't they precisely the demographic your mag targets? That's like Johnny doing a story called, "Why I Hate Nerds". As for me, I don't care about hipsters. The guys don't like sports and the girls look like angry circus clowns, so I don't have much use for 'em.

Hey Philly Mag: Thanks for giving us more info on Gervase last issue. I was sick of such a talented Philadelphian not getting the props he so richly deserves. Way to dig deep.

Hey, Johnny, I hear you are thinking about holding Quizzo Bowl II at a Chinese restaurant. What the hell, why don't we just have everybody order takeout and have it in your basement?

A-Rod, congrats on the MVP. I assume they stencilled in the words "Regular Season" in boldface.

Hey City Council: The Olympics? Here? In 2016? That's priceless. I'd like to rerun something that ran in the Daily News a while back.
"The Early Bird Extravaganza Junior Olympic Girls' Volleyball tournament . . . can set up a complete volleyball court in an hour or less with eight 14-year-old girls. But not in our Convention Center. Here, it took six union laborers two hours a court at a cost of $65 per person per hour. Because the four barrels holding down the volleyball poles are filled with water, in Philadelphia this means you involve two plumbers for two hours each to fill and place the four barrels needed for each court."
Hmmmm, let's run through the math. If it took 6 laborers two hours to set up a volleyball court at $65 an hour, that's 65 x 6 x 2. That equals $780. So to set up the hundreds of Olympic courts that would be required for an entire Olympics should only be about, uh, let's see here, you carry the four, that equals, well that is only going to cost us just a smidge more money than the War in Iraq. I say, "Let's go for it!"

Hey Joe McCarthy: Happy Birthday, you curmudgeonly old hoot! Are me and Ann Coulter the only people who recognize what a true American patriot you were? Next week, tune in as Ann talks about what a great job Hitler did with mass transit.

Until next time. My name is Bobby Badtimes. Beware My Wrath!

Posted at 3:11 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

August 25, 2005

No, Not Bobby Badtimes! Not today!

Sorry to disappoint. I'm sure all you hosebags thought that with all this press that this week was just gonna be one big Johnny Goodtimes Lovefest. Well bad news, suckers. Badtimes is here to rain on the old parade. First of all, Johnny, the scavenger hunt was a great idea. Everybody in this city just loves running around on 103 degree days trying to get pressed pennies from the Seaport Museum. You blockhead. And gee whiz, why not schedule it on a busier vacation week? Nevermind. THAT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE!

Was I the only one who just couldn't get enough of this sentence in Johnny's write up on Rubin's blog: "To afford the vanity slot, he waited tables in period costume at City Tavern". At least Johnny finally came out and admitted that he once took a job where he dressed up like an 18th century fairytale pirate. Have you been to that place, the City Tavern? I recommend it, but only if you get your hands on some really great acid first.

A quick message to GOD: I'll say my prayers every night for the rest of my life if you strike down Pat Robertson with lighting. I'll become a priest if you also strike down Celine Dion.

Hey Terrell Owens: They don't come any smaller than that.

Went to the Jersey Shore for the first time this summer. It was so relaxing: the sand, the surf, the greasy hair, the $7 cover to crappy bars, the girls whose lifelong dream is to be the next Nicole Richie, the enormous collection of Dorito bags and Gatorade bottles washing up on the beach. What a state! Can't wait to go back!

Click here to see what I think Johnny Goodtimes is doing with his whole "me against Larry Platt" thing.

Hey washer and dryer: why are you still in my house? You haven't worked in over a year. And yet you sit there, giving me an excuse to set down on top of you a variety of trinkets that i would otherwise have to store in a more organized fashion. You are making my house a mess! I am disgusted by your actions!

Hey Johnny, I love how your photos always show you with a martini in your hand when you probably drink about 2 martinis a year. Poser!

Hey Dunkin' Donuts, your understanding of the english language is an embarrasment to yourself and to your dunkinG doUGHnuts.

My name is Bobby Badtimes. Beware My Wrath!

Posted at 12:01 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

June 24, 2005

Goodtimes Snubbed by Philly Style, Whines Like A little b****

Johnny Goodtimes went blow for blow for Philly Style magazine this week, and came out, as usual, a loser. Philly Style announced it's winners for Philly's best personalities of 2005, and ol' Johnny didn't make the cut.

"Will Smith was named Philly's best personality, even though he hasn't lived in Philly since like 1990," said a snivelling Goodtimes. "But it was the runners up that were particularly galling. TO and AI are acceptable. But the other two runners up were Pat Croce and Patti LaBelle. Pat Croce? 2001 Best of, sure. 2005? One of our favorite celebrities is a guy who just had a show cancelled after like a month on the air? And Patti LaBelle? Lifetime Achievement Award, sure. But Best of 2005? Who was Philly's favorite athlete in 2005, Chuck Fusina? Come on." Oh, come now, Little Johnny, don't cry. I'm sure you were Philly's sixth favorite celebrity. Oh, nevermind. I forgot about Jerry Blavat. Well, you were at least in the top 25, possibly 30.

The quizmaster responded to the snub by not attending Philly Style's magazine's Award Ceremony, despite the fact that he wasn't invited. His shocking snub left many in the news indifferent, and some were even downright unaware that he even existed. In an effort to salvage a moral victory, Johnny awarded himself with a "Best Of 2005" trophy, but no-one attended the awards ceremony, and he had to snap a photo of him giving the award to himself.

Posted at 2:12 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

May 26, 2005

Beware my wrath

Hey Phillies, would you mind just playing the rest of your games on the road? CB Park is so nice, it seems like such a waste to have a team like you playing in it when we could have like kickball games and picnics and stuff there.

To the dumb chick who spilled red wine on me last night at McGillan's: after you bumped me with your elbow for the third time and excused yourself (this all before before the wine incident), don't you think it might have a decent idea to quit swinging your elbow onto my table? Good work.

Don Rumsfeld is now being sued by veterans at a military retirement home. But don't get the impression that EVERYBODY thinks that Rummie is either an arrogant ass**** or an incompetent buffoon (or both). There are several tribes of bushmen in Australia who probably don't even know who he is.

Is every white kid who disappears for more than an hour going to be CNN's lead story every single day for the rest of eternity?

Hey Spanish language, why can't you be more like English, especially when it comes to indirect objects? You're making me look like an idiot in front of my teacher.

Hey dumbass DJs in New Jersey. If they're voting, they're American, not Chinese. You have to be an American citizen to vote, you morons. Jersey trash shouldn't decide american elections. Americans should.

Well, unless those American voters happen to be Krystyna supporters, who did a nice job of waiting until she lost the "Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes Contest" to start voting for her on the website. I got an idea for you people. Head down to your local polling place and tell them to "Tally up another one for Kerry".

Hey Philadelphia Weekly, great cover story this week about delivering pizza in New Jersey in the early '90s. Groundbreaking! If you want, I can write you an eight page tale about cutting grass in Virginia in the late '80s. Or maybe just supply you with my list of chores in elementary school. Whatever's clever.

Hey Brent Musburger...um, uh, oh yeah. Happy Birthday!!!

My name is Bobby Badtimes. Beware my wrath!!!

Posted at 4:08 PM | Email to a friend

May 5, 2005

Beware my wrath by Bobby Badtimes

Do you notice that I'm wearing my army fatigues? Do you want to know why? Because this is WAR! I got so pissed off at McGlinchey's Wednesday night, I just had to write about it, and since that moron Goodtimes is the only person who will pay a talented writer like me what I deserve, I'm putting it right here on his hokie website. I know what you're thinking, "Bobby, people are supposed to be pissed off at McGlincheys!" But you're missing the point. I'm hanging with Moose and Edge after their performance at the Black Sheep last night (I've been hanging out with only black people since white people started flipping their collars up), and the owner of McGlinchey's comes up to me and says, real mean-like, "Don't you ever bring an outside drink into my bar again!"

What? It would have been different if I was holding a flask of whiskey in my hand, but I just had a Vitamin Water. Oh well. I was willing to let that slide. But then, when we're leaving, the owner goes after Edge and starts screaming at him, saying that he was writing on the front door with a pencil! What? Do you think any self respecting black person would graff a building in pencil? (Trust me, I know about black people. I've been hanging out with them ever since white people started wearing capris pants.) What's more, there was a large group of people hanging out with Edge at the time, and I think at least one of them would have noticed if he had broken away from the conversation and begun to deface property. I mean, this owner isn't just an ass****. He's completely out of his f***** mind!
So I hacked Goodtimes e-mail yesterday, and came across this little gem from a concerned reader:
That info (in Johnny's Useless Info section of his website)about New Jersey supplying 2/3 of the world's eggplant is
completely bogus. New Jersey (mostly South Jersey where I lived for 20 years), supplies 12-14% of the eggplant in the U.S. It's not even Number one in the U.S. California is. NJ is either 3rd or 4th depending on the year. I think at one time, maybe it's still true, NJ supplied 2/3 of the eggplant eaten in Canada. How that became "the world" is beyond me.
I can't decide which is more pathetic: that Johnny is presenting falsehoods on his website, or that any one human knows that much bulls*** about New Jersey eggplant.
Not all is lost, of course. We've still got our sports teams! At least the Phillies didn't just lose three of four to the Mets... WHAT!!!! No biggie, we're never really out of the race as long as Thome is...it's his back, you say? Well, at least the Sixers are still...no? No sweat, this is a football town, our team just went to the Super Bowl, and I don't see any bumps in the...TO did what? Westbrook wasn't there? McNabb said what about TO? Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I need to head to the hardware store for some rope and a book on knot tying. In the meantime, I'm Bobby Badtimes...Beware My Wrath!!!

Posted at 3:55 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

April 11, 2005

"You Just Got Pittsnogled" by Bobby Badtimes

Well, I made my first descent into the disaster that is the annual Philly Film Festival last night. The collection of short films I saw was called "The Philadelphia Experimental". I thought that perhaps a more apt title would have been "The Philadelphia Sucksperimental". Apparently, by it's very definition, an experimental film is one that is absolutely awful. There was one, called "Lovebirds in Hell", that looked like something my sister might have done when she was 13, if she had possessed a smaller brain and absolutely no sense of creativity. It was these two girls smoking a cigarette, looking forlorn, and then one of them goes to a corner and begins pouting. "Yibadee, yibadee, yibadee, uh, That's all Folks!" Then there was one in which a bike messenger rides on a carless street, and a sign comes up, saying "Imagine a world with no cars". Yeah, well if there were no cars, there would be no road for the stupid bike messenger to ride on! I felt like I was watching a bad Mitsubishi commercial. Then, there was one in which a bunch of asian women are swimming in a pool. About halfway through this film, I found myself staring at the exit sign on the door, because it was infinitely more interesting than what was on the screen. Oh, and apparently this film was supposed to represent French colonialism. Could someone take the pseudo intellectual who came up with this bulls*** outside and beat the living s*** out of him? Thanks.

Which leads us to my restaurant idea. I was dining at a snooty establishment yesterday (that's what we stars do), and some mean old lady came up the waiter. Instead of saying, "Excuse me, but you accidentally brought the wrong check to our table," she barks, "Sir, you brought the wrong CHECK TO OUR TABLE!" Which leads me to my idea. I think the restaurants should hire an independant contractor, and when some rotten jerk treats a waiter like a subhuman, that waiter calls our contractor friend. The hired gun then walks into the restaurant, walks over to the offender (in this case the rotten old lady), and slugs them right in the face. He then turns around, says "Anybody else got a problem with their check?" and walks out after collecting his $20 for services rendered. You people who have never worked in the restaurant business are thinking, "My goodness, Bobby Badtimes is advocating the punching of old women in the face. He's lost his mind." While those of you who have worked in the business are thinking, "That Bobby Badtimes is a f****** genius."

Oh, and just you wait until you see Johnny's new facial hair. He looks kind of like what Johnny Depp would look like...if Depp were really ugly.

Apparently somebody told the Phillies bullpen the same thing they told the directors of the short films I saw last night: Sucking is kool! I would honestly rather have those Asian swimmers protesting French colonialism in our bullpen right now than this group of clowns.

My name is Bobby Badtimes, and you just got Pittsnogled!

Posted at 11:25 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

April 1, 2005

You got Pittsnogled by Bobby Badtimes

Remember how I used to hate McGillan's Olde Ale House, because they kicked me out on New Year's Day? Well, now I got a new beef. I went to McGillan's on Wednesday for karaoke. I had hoped to do "Flashdance...What a Feeling" because I rock that song. But a bum ankle made the accompanying dance number all but impossible. So I just watched. Ok, here's the part where I start to get pissed. Some chick goes up there and does the Celine Dion song from Titanic. As if that wasn't bad enough, a bunch of people in the crowd, instead of being disgusted and throwing silverware at her, starts singing along. EVEN A BLACK GUY! I don't know about you, but I've kind of put black people up on a pedestal of koolness. Well, that all came crashing down. As did my opposition to the death penalty, because every single person who sings along to Celine Dion should be executed. It will greatly enhance the gene pool.

Is it just me, or has this stupid Terry Shiavo story taken too much of the media's attention away from the important stories it was covering before all of this came up? Like what Michael Jackson was wearing to court. Tommorrow on CNN? 32 midgets hop out of a Volkswagon. Grab your cotton candy.

Hey Duke. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Kevin Pittsnogle was the only member of the West Virginia team that was actually from West Virginia. As I told a friend of mine, "I suspect that, after graduation, he'll be the only member of the team that remains in West Virginia." By the way, if you think that Virginia and West Virginia are the same state, I will punch you in the face. You've been warned.

That evil bastard Frank Perdue is finally dead. Very few people have been as dedicated to suppressing workers rights as Perdue, who even contacted a New York crime boss to try to suppress a workers union. I hear the chicken's tough in hell, Frank.

I'm Bobby Badtimes. Beware My Wrath!

Posted at 11:24 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (5)

February 7, 2005

Boston Blasted by Bitter Bobby Badtimes

First of all, I wanted to say hello to all twelve Pats fans who made it down to Philorida. And I wanted to congratulate Sportscenter for rounding up another twenty Floridians and paying them $20 apiece to pretend that they were Pats fans for their post game roundup, so the set wouldn't be completely silent. You Bostonians support your team almost as much as Oakland supports the Golden State Warriors! Way to go!

Of course, you guys have always treated your great athletes well. I mean, Ted Williams, perhaps the greatest hitter who ever lived, just loved Bost...oh, sorry. Nevermind. He hated you jerks so much that he wouldn't even tip his cap to you after his final at bat. Well, at least you recognize that a career is built over a lifetime of achievement, not on one single play. I mean, the way you treated Hall of Famer Bill Buckner was nothing but class. Other than that he had to move out of Boston because of the way his children were treated at school. He still hates Boston. And your athletes are so creative! I mean, all those original dances they did in the end zone! Hey, idiots, either do something creative or give the ball to the referee. The mocking thing got kind of old a few months ago. No wonder Ben Franklin left Boston and moved to Philly. Creative minds don't count for much in beantown. And one final thing, losers. Morons dump tea in the harbor. Geniuses write Constitutions.

A great job by the media, painting Terrell Owens as a selfish jerk for wanting to play in the Super Bowl on a broken foot. As he said himself, "If I was Brett Favre, you'd be calling me a warrior." Remember the last athlete to play on a bad ankle in a big game? I don't remember anyone calling Curt Schilling selfish. Fortunately for TO, he plays in Philly, where the fans are smart enough to come to their own conclusions, and not listen to what the morons in the press say.

Congratulations to Stuart Scott. i just heard him say, "Kooler than the other side of the pillow" for the 1,000,000th time! Don't worry Stuart, if it's amusing in 1996, it's still amusing today! Kind of like "Boo-yaa!" Wow, in the world of one trick ponies, you are a Triple Crown Winner! My name is Bobby Badtimes. Beware my wrath!

Posted at 10:56 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (5)

January 14, 2005

Beware My Wrath!!! by Bobby Badtimes

Does anyone really give a s*** about Saturn's moon? I mean, seriously. We can't afford to lower class sizes, we can't afford to adequately protect our troops in Iraq, but we can afford to help the Europeans send a spaceship to Saturn's moon? And oooh, aren't those pictures pretty! Almost like grey mud! I say, no more money for this stupid space exploration unless we go somewhere where we will definitely find aliens.

How come I gotta watch ESPN talk for hours about how Randy Moss has no class, then the first commercial I see after that on ESPN is for a video game in which you shoot helicopters out of the sky and which says "Blow the snot out of the enemy"? And Joe Buck, your "What a disgusting display" rampage against Randy Moss was so annoying. You know what's a disgusting display, Joe? Your hairdo.
Hey celebrities, do you know what charity is? It's dedicating your time, money, etc. to a cause you believe in out of the goodness of your heart, not so your publicist can get your washed up ass back in the news (helloooooo, Sandra Bullock.)
Does Johnny really think that belly dancers are gonna bring in the crowds to Quizzo Bowl? Hey, Goodtimes, belly dancers are a tease. I'll be a no-show unless, for my ten dollars, I get a prostitute. Preferably from Pompeii.
Hey Malia (my cat), quit rifling through the garbage. We've had several long talks about this, but I don't feel like I'm getting through to you. Your brother doesn't feel the need to pull this s***, why do you?
My name is Bobby Badtimes, I hope your weekend blows.

Posted at 3:35 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

January 6, 2005

Beware My Wrath!!! by Bobby Badtimes

Alright, 2005 is here, and I'm already pissed off. First of all, Philadelphia Weakly has gotten so pathetic it hardly even seems worth mentioning. I mean, the cover story, the cover story is about a horny Asian kid with a video camera!!! That's it!!! That's the whole story! I just gave away the plot and the ending! I'm not kidding! There's nothing else to it!!! There's an asian kid who likes Italians and has a video camera, and he sometimes go to Delilah's. If you read the entire story and can glean any more information than what I've just given you, I'll buy you a beer. Un-freaking-believable. The only thing that the Weakly has going for it is Jessica Pressler, and she's currently getting sued by some blueberry heir for a million dollars because she teased him in her article. What? You can't sue somebody for hurting your feelings, jerk-off!!! In return for you being such an idiot, I'm calling on all Johnny Goodtimes fans to stop eating blueberries. The great Blueberry Boycott of 2005 has begun! Spread the word. Boy, those people in charge of college football sure know what they're doing, don't they? I mean, first this BCS system they come up with works like a charm, as only three teams finish the season undefeated, and then they think that football fans just can't get enough Ashlee Simpson. What? How about a Wham! reunion at next year's Orange Bowl? I'm sure football fans would love it. Oh, and here's a piece of advice for everybody: If you're sort of casually dating someone for a couple of months, don't bother getting them a cheesy personalized gift as sort of a cute gag. Because that will be roughly the time they stop returning your calls and then you're stuck with a crappy mug with this girl's name on it serving as a reminder of what a hosebag you are every time you have a cup of coffee. At least that's what I hear. My name is Bobby Badtimes, Beware my Wrath!!!

P.S. You don't think that blueberry dude can sue me for calling him a jerk-off, do you?

Posted at 9:00 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

November 16, 2004

Manyunk Blows

Here's a story in the Daily News about Johnny's favorite hangout, Manyunk.

Posted at 2:50 PM | Email to a friend

October 20, 2004

Johnny Blasts Yankee Fans

To see what Johnny has to say about Yankee fans in Philly, check out the message board. BTW, the baseball games will be on at all of the JGT Quizzoes tonight, so you will not miss them by playing quizzo.

Posted at 11:55 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

October 14, 2004

Beware My Wrath

Alright, it's time for Johnny to start kicking ass again. Hey, Philadelphia Weekly, how about ANOTHER cover story about real estate next week!! What's this, like four in the last two months? Don't worry, stories about real estate never get boring! That's why "Real Estate Illustrated" has so many loyal subscribers. Hey, if I see a guy walking around wearing a Ralph Lauren polo shirt with the collar up, and I shoot him, has a crime really been committed? That's it!! I'm throwing away my washing machine. What the hell. I mean, I'll put clothes in on a Tuesday, and the water kicks in on a Thursday. No lie. Speaking of laundry, I've got a personal message for the crackhead who stole my laundry: Give it back! I saw you a couple of weeks ago at a resaurant near my house, but I didn't go in and kick your ass because I think one of the waitresses there is cute and I don't want her to think I just walk around town kicking crackheads' asses. So you're lucky!!! Speaking of women, is there a single one in Philly with a sense of humor? I mean, this new craigslist posting I put up is just plain funny. Why no responses? Wanna say thanks to everybody who came out for quizzo last night. There was a debate and a big baseball game last night and you still represented. Thanks again. Ok, enough with the sincerity. I think the Eagles should go to the videotape and find out who the idiots were who were calling for AJ Feeley to take over for McNabb last year, and make sure they are NEVER ALLOWED TO ENTER THE LINC AGAIN!!! The Eagles have the 3rd best QB in football and Feeley can't even win the starting job on one of the worst teams in football history. Also, anyone who watched the three debates and is still voting for George Bush should have their clothes stolen by a crackhead! The only way Bush can get my vote is if he starts a gestapo that makes Celine Dion and her fans "disappear." And what's the deal with "Rock, Paper, Scissors"? CP has an interview with the Philadelphia "champion" this week. Hey, next week how about an interview with Philadelphia's coin flipping...hey, wait a minute. What's Paper, Rock, Saddam doing here? If you got a problem with any of the above statements, please comment below. My name is Johnny Goodtimes. Beware My Wrath!!!

Posted at 2:54 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

June 18, 2004

Satan Not So Bad, says Johnny

Johnny Goodtimes gave Lucifer the OK after attending a punk rock concert on Thursday night. "Yeah, Satan isn't so bad, I guess," said Johnny. "I mean, could all of these people be wrong?" Johnny, who got his picture taken with the lead singer from the band Satanic Freedom (that's not their real name, but it's got a nice ring to it), said the band was true to it's word. "At one point during the concert, the lead singer said that they were making the kind of music that is heard in hell, and after hearing a couple of songs, I'm definitely inclined to agree with his assessment."

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May 17, 2004

L.A. #1?

A recent article listed Los Angeles as the number one sports town in America. Read Johnny's reaction to this news on the message board.

Posted at 12:34 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

February 11, 2004

Beware My Wrath!

I didn't watch the Grammy's, because they're so stupid, but they still pissed me off. Who votes on the rap awards, Manny Mainstream? The winners were so pathetic. P. Diddy won one. Come on. P. Diddy is to hip-hop what George Bush is to the environment. Outkast is OK, but there's no way Speakerboxx is better than The Root's Phrenology. And while we're speaking of lack of talent, hey Grammy's, when you're going to do a cover of the greatest band EVER (The Beatles), here's an idea: How about not using Dave Matthews? I wish the Duke student cheering section would go to one of his concerts and repeatedly chant, "Over-Rated!" The reason my ex-girlfriend and I broke up was because she loved Dave Matthews, and I didn't want to have any potential child of mine being raised around that bulls***. And Vince Gill helped cover the Beatles tune? What??? What are you going to do next year, have Al B. Sure doing a tribute to Dylan? Oh, and a quick message to my washing machine: What the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you work in the following six hours after someone either takes a shower or goes to the bathroom? There used to be enough water in this house for all of my appliances. I haven't redirected any pipes, so what the hell happened? Way to go, Philadelphia Magazine, for putting Heather Mitts and A.J. Feeley on your cover. What an inspired choice. How come Johnny Goodtimes can't get an ounce of ink in this one-horse town while an ex-soccer player and the guy who holds McNabb's jock get on the cover of every magazine? Saw the movie "Miracle" on Friday night. It was pretty good, but they left out the best Herb Brooks line. With the team trailing Finland by a goal going into the third period of the final game of the '80 Olympics, Brooks shouted at the team, "If you don't win this one, you're going to take it to your graves." He began to walk out the door, then turned around, stared at his team, and yelled again. "To your f****** graves!" That's hardcore. Barbershop 2 was the #1 movie in America. Are you kidding me? The first one sucked, and I can't imagine the sequel being any better. If you want to bash me, please feel free, either on the message board or directly below. Oh, that's one more thing. You people bust my chops every time I do Quizzo, but then you're such sissies you won't put your feelings in writing. Come on! I'm Johnny Goodtimes. Beware My Wrath!

Posted at 12:05 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (9)

February 4, 2004

Beware My Wrath!

First of all, I would like to thank the crew at the Bards for their stirring rendition of "Happy Birthday." That being said, it's time to start bashing. At O'Neals, everyone knew it was my birthday, but nobody offered me a drink. Everyone starts next weeks game with -5 points. What's with this Janet Jackson uproar? These idiots who are screaming about it don't care that every other tv and movie trailer features somebody getting blown up or shot, but all of a sudden our children are going to grow up to be bad people because they saw a split second of Janet Jackson's boob? Also, was I the only one hoping against hope that Willie Nelson was going to wheel around and kick Toby Keith in the nads during their pregame duo? Boy, the Sixers look good. Oh, yeah, did you see the people of Boston have a ticker tape parade yesterday? And then, come next October, they're going to be crying about how they're "cursed" when the Red Sox choke again. Almost makes you want to root for the Yankees. But not quite. By the way, there has been a lot of booing for some of the winners lately at Quizzo. And I think that's great. It's becoming a true Philadelphia institution. Also, nice touch at the Bards on Tuesday. When some idiot shouted out an answer, the players began chanting, "A**hole, a**hole," in Duke student-section style. However, I was not pleased when that same chant was turned on me moments later when the players didn't like one of the questions. Everyone at the Bards starts next week with -5 points. If you have any personal vendettas, or would like to blast me, just click on comments and go for it. Until next week, I am Johnny Goodtimes. Beware my wrath!

Posted at 2:28 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (10)

January 28, 2004

Beware My Wrath!

By: Johnny Goodtimes
Just wanted to take the time to thank my fans for braving the harsh conditions on Tuesday night to attend Quizzo at O'Neals and the Bards. You guys rock. Now for the bashing. The Oscar nominees were announced on Tuesday, and I've got a few opinions. First of all Lord of the Rings was really great, and it deserved to get a lot of nominations. It was also the most homoerotic film I saw all year. Was I the only one who half expected Frodo to turn to Sam when they're halfway up Mount Doom and say, "F*** this. Let's grab some brunch and then head to Home Depot." Master and Commander, which got ten nominations, totally blew. Of course, it didn't help that I saw it at Cinemagic. That experience was cinetragic. Watching a movie there is probably very similar to watching a movie on a big screen TV in a South Philly crack house, except that I assume the people in the crack house are friendlier than the employees at Cinemagic. The Carolina Panthers are in the Super Bowl, George Bush is our President and the new Ashton Kutcher movie is the #1 film in America. Almost makes you wanna pull a John Walker Lindh. Oh yes, in keeping with our film theme, I 'd like to take a moment to bash the film reviewers of the Philadelphia Weekly, who have Zoolander, one of the most pathetic pieces of drivel EVER produced, graded higher than Big Fish, which I thought was better than Lord of the Rings. Movie reviewer Sean Burns called Big Fish flavorless. Oh, and he just LOVED Master and Commander. I'd like to see his head on a pike at the gates of the city. And while we're railing against weeklies, I'd like to take a moment to call out City Paper. Several of their staffers played Quizzo at Nick's a couple of months ago and finished second. They vowed to return and take over the top spot. They've never returned. I guess #2 is good enough for City Paper (it certainly shows in some of the cover stories they've run recently.) Am I the only one who thinks this years 76ers are a lot like the war in Irag: Looks good on paper, but in actuality are a complete disaster that we hope will improve if we just keep supporting them? Oh, and tomorrow there will be some new features added to the site, in addition to the winners receiving their proper dose of glory, so be sure to check back. If you want to add your own two cents or bash me, feel free to click on comments and go to town.

Posted at 12:47 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (4)

January 13, 2004

Controversy, Cute Babes on New Year's

Johnny's fortunes took a quick turn for the worse on New Year's Day, only moments after meeting the cute babes pictured above. After going outside this bar (which we won't name, but will tell you has been in business for over 140 years) to check his voicemail, the bouncers (shown below) told him that he couldn't go back in. Despite pleas of "Do you know who I am?" the bouncers held their ground, and now Johnny hopes they are both killed by Al-Quaeda. "That would be great," said the self-proclaimed King of Quizzo. "My New Years Resolution is to spearhead an effort to get this bar (which I won't name) closed down. 140+ years is long enough."

Posted at 1:32 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)