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November 5, 2007

The Premarital Sextet wins at the bards

What street was JFK on when he was assassinated?

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Sofa Kingdom Wins

This small private school in University Park is scheduled to be where the George W. Bush Presidential Library will be located. It is believed that the GWB library will house such classics as "Horton Hears a Who" and "Hop on Pop", as well as several books on 3rd grade grammar.

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October 29, 2007

Hurtin Bombs Win

Who played Danny Torrance in the Shining?

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Sofa Kingdom Wins at Bards

What city was John Wayne Gacy from?

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October 22, 2007

Hurtin Bombs win

Who played Reverend Jim Ignatowski on Taxi? He turns 69 today.

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Sofa Kingdom Wins at Bards

Which member of the Three Stooges was born Jerome Lester Horwitz in Brooklyn in 1903?

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October 15, 2007

Sofa Kingdom Wins

This running back, #25 for the Eagles in 2002 and again in 2004, hails from Syracuse.

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Sofa Kingdom Wins at Bards

This Hollywood superstar from Syracuse made his first film appearance in the Brooke Shields film Endless Love.

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October 7, 2007

Hurtin Bombs win

In what new show will you find Peter Krause and Donald Sutherland?

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Sofa Kingdom Wins

What's the name of the new spin off to Grey's Anatomy?

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October 1, 2007

Kingdom Reigns

Where did Vic and Bourne both injure their knees within a few minutes of each other?

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Narkotizing Dysfunktion wins at Bards

Jimmy Rollins played in all 162 games this season. What member of the Phils played in 161?

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September 23, 2007

Kingdom wins their 100th match

One of the most underrated comedic talents of the 20th century, this Canadian did the graphic art for the Steely Dan album Aja before moving onto the Groundlings and then to Saturday Night Live.

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Sofa Kingdom Wins at Bards

This author, one of my personal favorites, became a national sensation with his debut novel, This Side of Paradise.

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September 17, 2007

Sofa Kingdom Wins

Who has a hit with the song "Big Girls Don't Cry"?

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Sofa Kingdom Wins

This rapper claims that MTV used he and Britney in the VMAs, and has promised to never appear on the network again.

Posted at 6:37 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

September 10, 2007

Sofa Kingdom Wins

Father Jorge Lemaitre gave us what he called "the hypothosis of the primeval atom." What is this 20th century theory much better known as?

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Narks win

What did the Belgian Republic of Congo change it's name to in 1965, after gaining it's independence from Belgium.

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September 4, 2007

Hurtin Bombs win

Adam Duritz was born in Maryland. What crappy group is he the lead singer of?

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Sofa Kingdom Wins at Bards

What is the capital of Maryland?

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August 27, 2007

Hurtin Bombs Win

In what movie did Pee Wee Herman sing "Bird Bird Bird Bird is the Word"?

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August 26, 2007

Sofa Kingdom Wins

The top selling single of 1984 was bird related. What was it?

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August 20, 2007

Hurtin Bombs win

What's the name of the Bird who is "cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs"?

Posted at 10:33 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Narcotyzing Wins Again

What was special about a gorilla named Koko?

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August 14, 2007

Hurtin Bombs win

Rove was fired from Bush Sr.'s re-election campaign after leaking info to what reporter?

Posted at 10:20 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Narkotizing Dysfunktion wins at Bards

In what state did Karl Rove falsely inform voters that Bush's opponent, John McCaine, had an African American daughter, that he was gay, and that he cheated on his wife?

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August 6, 2007

Saint Anne's Mini Onions Win

Several people have seen the star of M. Night's upcoming film, the Happening, arond town. Who is he?

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Sofa Kingdom Wins

What 1999 live action film based on a kids book did M. Night co-write the script for?

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July 30, 2007

Sofa Kingdom Wins at Bards

Justice will be served
And the battle will rage
This big dog will fight
When you rattle his cage
And you’ll be sorry that you messed with
The U.S. of A.
`Cause __________________
It`s the American way
I don't like to use terms like lyrical genius too often, but in this case...

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Sofa Kingdom Wins at Bards

I'm a model you know what I mean
And I ___________ on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I ___________on the catwalk
Several words

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July 23, 2007

Sofa Kingdom Wins

What 1974 movie, which starred OJ Simpson, took place in a fictional skyscraper called the Glass Tower?

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Narcotyzing Wins Again

The Empire State Building is the tallest building in NYC. WHat is the 2nd tallest building in NYC?

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July 16, 2007

Hurtin Bombs win

Feldman's marriage to his second wife was officiated by this rapper turned minister in 2002.

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July 15, 2007

Sofa Kingdom Wins

Corey was briefly married to hottie Vanessa Marcil. What popular show does she currently star in?

Posted at 11:42 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

July 2, 2007

Hurtin Bombs Almost perfect

Ok, end on a tough one: What #1 hit was sung by Staff Sergeant Barry Sadler in 1966?

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Narkotizing Dysfunktion wins at Bards

What CHeech and Chong song was a parody of Born in the USA?

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June 25, 2007

Bob Ross Blow Dries His Wolf Bush Wins at Bards

This actor played Chris on Another World, then later tore his Achilles heel while playing Achilles.

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El Narcotyzo Wins at Bards

Before playing the same character for 20 years, he played Dr. Canard on Another World.

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June 18, 2007

Rich Kotite Beats His Kids to Jock Jams Pulls Off Huge Upset

Hendrix bought a number of this Baroque composers albums, including Messiah and Water Music, once he discovered that he was living next door to his former home in London: the two apartments now comprise a museum dedicated to the two musicians.

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Narkotizing Dysfunktion wins at Bards

Hendrix's flamboyant stage presence was influenced by this rock and roll legend. Hendrix played in his back up band, the Upsetters, for a while.

Posted at 12:14 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

June 12, 2007

Hurtin Bombs win

This former NBA player disappeared off a yacht in 2002, though it is believed that his brother killed him.

Posted at 2:01 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Sofa Kingdom Wins

This American author, who wrote Devil's dictionary, disappeared in Mexico in 1913 and was never seen again.

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June 4, 2007

Hurtin' Bombs win at Bards

The Phillies won game one of the 1983 World Series. What pitcher got the win?

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Narkotizing Dysfunktion wins at Bards

OK, here's a tough one: This 1982 Cy Young Award winner and World Series pitcher for the Brewers later portrayed Yankee slugger Clue Haywood in the movie Major League.

Posted at 10:30 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

May 30, 2007

Relax on My couch (Sofa Kingdom subsidiary) Wins

The Battle of Seven Pines (aka the Battle of Fair Oaks) took place during what war?

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Sofa Kingdom Wins

One million men (2/3rds of Philly's entire population) died in the Battle of Somme, which is mind blowing. In what War did that battle take place?

Posted at 11:40 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

May 21, 2007

Sofa Kingdom Wins at Bards

Harare

Posted at 10:49 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Axis of Evil Knieval wins

Antananarivo

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May 14, 2007

Sofa Kingdom Wins at Bards

Washington, DC natives E.U. had a hit with this little dance number in 1988.

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Sofa Kingdom Wins

In what city will you find the Phillies Triple A team?

Posted at 12:45 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

May 7, 2007

Kingdom Reigns

Who sang the following:
SPIDERMAN
SPIDERMAN
DOES WHAT EVER A SPIDER CAN
IS HE STRONG
LISTEN BUD
HE GOT DA RADIOACTIVE BLOOD
HEY THERE
THERE GOES THE SPIDERMAN
OW

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May 6, 2007

Narkotizing Dysfunktion wins at Bards

J. Jonah Jameson is the publisher of what newspaper that has never been a big fan of Spidermans?

Posted at 10:21 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

April 30, 2007

Why Am I sitting with browns fans? wins

What spectacular annual event, attended by JGT in 2005, is held in Milford, Delaware at the start of every November?

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Sofa Kingdom Wins at Bards

A famous ferry leaves Cape May several times a day. In what Delaware town does it land?

Posted at 10:42 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

April 22, 2007

Satan's Minions WIn at Bards

This great actor was the star of Shakespeare's theatre company, and was the first person to ever play the roles of Hamlet, Othello, and King Lear.

Posted at 10:50 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Narkotizing Dysfunktion wins at Bards

Many conspiracy theorists believe that the Earl of Oxford was the actual author of the Shakeseare plays and poems. What was the Earl's name?

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April 15, 2007

Kingdom Wins

Who recorded an infamous version of Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds in 1968, considered by many to be the worst pop recording ever?

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Sofa Kingdom Wins

Who was the head of the Merry Pranksters and the subject of a famous Tom Wolfe book?

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April 8, 2007

Axis of Evil Knieval wins

This Italian city, not far from Pompeii, is said to be the home of pizza, and was where the Margherita Pizza was born.

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Sofa Kingdom Wins at Bards

At what Philly pizza spot, which JGT deemed one of his favorites last year, do you have to order your dough a day in advance?

Posted at 1:06 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

April 1, 2007

Kingdom Wins

This Italian immigrant made millions in a scheme that defrauded tens of thousands of people out of millions of dollars. A similar scheme I bought into in college costed me $75.

Posted at 10:52 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

Sofa Kingdom Wins at Bards

What writing legend gave us the improbable story of Sidd Finch, the Buddhist monk with the 168 mile per hour fastball?

Posted at 10:17 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (7)

March 26, 2007

Sofa Kingdom Wins

This Swedish hockey player, who has one of my favorite names ever, played for the Whalers, the Penguins, the Rangers, the Red Wings and the Flyers. He was considered one of the NHL's most hated players, and ended Cam Neely's career with a nasty hit.

Posted at 2:46 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (8)

Narkotizing Dysfunktion wins at Bards

Among this writer's plays were The Night of the Iguana and the Rose Tattoo.

Posted at 2:06 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

March 19, 2007

Hold Onto Your Butts Kicks them at the Bards

What band did Dylan join in 1988?

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Sofa Kingdom at the Bards

Dylan grew up in a town called Hibbing, Minnesota, as did what NBA Hall of Famer? (Hint: he played his college ball at U U of Minnesota.)

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February 24, 2007

Sofa Kingdom Perfect, Sort of

The Sofa Kingdom answered all 40 questions correctly at the Bards on Thursday, but were unable to name 5 of Hawaii's 10 largest cities (they got 3 of the cities, worth 2 points apiece), and finished with a 115. The Hurtin' Bombs scored a 104 to finish 2nd.

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Sofa Kingdom Wins, then erases minds

The Sofa Kingdom pulled off a win at the Bards on Tuesday, narrowly edging Narcotizing Dysfunktion, 101-100. They decided to celebrate with Mind Erasers. Johnny celebrated a late season Phillies win last year with two of these gentlemen by drinking a few Mind Erasers. He did not get out of bed until 3 p.m. the next day. He has agreed to drink another ME only if and when the Phillies win the pennant this year.

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February 19, 2007

Hurtin' Bombs win at the Bards

What Kevin Costner masterpiece was filmed on Kaho'olawe, an island located 7 miles southwest of Maui'i?

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The Gruesome Twosome who Knew Some win at Bards

On which island will you find Volcanoes National Park?

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February 12, 2007

Sofa Kingdom wins

What play was showing when Lincoln was assassinated?

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Hurtin' Bombs win at Bards

Who did Lincoln have a famous debate with in 1858? (First and last name required)

Posted at 12:17 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

February 2, 2007

Oh Sherry! Needle Nose Ned Ryerson is one question from perfect score

Needle Nose Ned Ryerson missed question number three of round one at the Bards on Thursday night, then got the next 37 questions correct and came away with a 117-105 win over Hoagies and Fogies. That question: "What fortified Spanish wine is sometimes used for cooking?" They guessed Marsala, which is a fortified wine from Italy. The correct answer was Sherry. As for Needle Nose Ned Ryerson, I didn't catch the reference until I was watching Groundhog Day today (It's on Comedy Central right now), and voila, there was Needle Nose Ned.

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January 31, 2007

Kingdom gets 39 out of 40 right, sends message heading into QB3

The Sofa Kingdom kicked it into an extra gear on Tuesday night, and rolled to a 116-99 win over the Narkotizing Dysfunktion. They missed one question in round three, and got everything else correct in an impressive showing. The Kingdom is still searching for an elusive first Quizzo Bowl win. They finished 4th last year, and 2nd in 2005. Will this be the year? We'll find out on Saturday.

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January 28, 2007

Sofa Kingdom FInally Wins Again

Tom Harkin.

Posted at 11:16 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

State of the Unibrow Wins

Daniel Akaka.

Posted at 11:02 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

January 21, 2007

Just a Couple of Paramours wins at Bards

Emma Bunton turns 31 today. Which Spice Girl was she?

Posted at 1:05 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Can We Get Extra Cholesterol With That wins at Bards

This man coached Cheyney State for 10 years before becoming a Division one basketball coach.

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January 14, 2007

Sofa Kingdom

Many in the folk music world considered Bob Dylan a traitor after his 1965 performance at this New England music festival.

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Narkotizing Dysfunktion wins at Bards

Iva Toguri was long considered a traitor, but later evidence indicated she was not, and she was pardoned in 1977. What was she better known as?

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January 10, 2007

I just farted again wins at bards

This Orlando Magic player missed four free throws in the final minute of Game 1 of the 1995 NBA finals. Had he made a single one, they would have won. Instead, they lost and went on to be swept in the series.

Posted at 10:47 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

Sofa Kingdom Wins

The Houston Oilers defensive coordinator was fired the day after the Oilers choked away a 35-3 lead in that infamous playoff game against the Bills. Who was named their new defensive coordinator?

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December 18, 2006

Sofa Kingdom Wins

In what movie does a serial killer return to earth as a snowman?

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Narkotizing Dysfunktion Wins at Bards

What does the Little Orphan Annie decoder pin tell Ralphie to do in a Christmas Story?

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December 11, 2006

Sofa Kingdom WIns at Bards

How many miles away is the sun from earth?

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Narcotizing Dysfunktion Wins at Bards

This man was the host of talk soup from its inception until 1995, appeared in Invincible, and starred in Little Miss Sunshine.

Posted at 2:54 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

December 3, 2006

Kingdom Wins Again

This song has been recorded as a duo by Louis Armstrong and Velma Middleton, Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Jordan, Ray Charles and Betty Carter, and James Taylor and Natalie Cole, among dozens of others.

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Kingdom wins at Bards

What boring ass book did Charles Frazier write?

Posted at 6:18 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

November 27, 2006

Sofa Kingdom Wins

What were the Hawaiian Islands also known as from 1778-1848?

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November 20, 2006

Sofa Kingdom wins at Bards

Fresh new kicks and pants
You got it like that now you know wanna dance
So move out of your seat
And get a fly girl and catch this beat
While it's rollin' hold on
Pump a little bit and let me know it's going on
Like that, like that
Cold on a mission so fall on back

Posted at 1:38 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

Sofa Kingdom wins

But let me speak to the weak, I mean the rookies
My time is held up, extremely for cookies
Just let me clock this groove in ninety two
Hey, you don't bother me and I sure 'nuff won't bother you
And ah, you just watch a brother flowin' like Niagra
Think before you steppin, because these differences might stag ya
Although I'm labeled with the black fate
It's gold d's on my four and gold lex, cuz I got it made
I broke the veto once again because I had to
And just like Jody Watley, baby girl, I can have you
Just let me work this tongue, and yo, any way is ok
Your place or mine, all night until the next day

Posted at 1:06 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

November 13, 2006

Kingdom wins again

Name 2 of the 3 left handed quarterbacks to start in a Super Bowl. I'll be real impressed if you can name all three.

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Sofa Kingdom wins at the Bards

On what team were Herschel Walker and Doug Flutie teammates?

Posted at 12:33 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

November 6, 2006

Sofa Kingdom WIns at Bards

I said, wait a minute, mister,
I didn't even kiss her.
Dont want no trouble with you.
And I know you dont owe me
But I wish you'd let me
Ask one favor from you.

Posted at 1:10 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

Table of Doom Wins at Bards

The first time was a great time
The second time was a blast
The third time I fell in love
Now I hope it lasts

Posted at 12:18 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

October 30, 2006

Sofa Kingdom wins for 2nd time in a week

He neglected to mention that downtown they call this place Camp Blood.

Posted at 10:26 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

Sofa Kingdom Wins at Bards

No, not really. Anyway, I hear the expression 'eats like a bird' - it-it's really a fals-fals-fals-falsity. Because birds really eat a tremendous lot. But -I-I don't really know anything about birds. My hobby is stuffing things. You know - taxidermy.

Posted at 10:09 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

October 23, 2006

Team that always changes his name wins

"Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows."

Posted at 7:50 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

Sofa Wins

Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet have heard,
It seems to me most strange that men should fear;
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.

Posted at 7:03 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

October 2, 2006

Sofa Kingdom WIns at Bards

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."

Posted at 9:36 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

October 1, 2006

Dalton is the Shiznit WIns at Bards

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."

Posted at 11:07 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (6)

September 24, 2006

Sofa Kingdom wins, Texans seem vindicated

The Kingdom won a close contest at the Bards on Thursday, as JGT made good on his promise of the week before, not letting a single team score 100 on Thursday. But the real story this week has been the play of the Houston Texans, who shored up that defense by taking Mario Williams over Reggie Bush in this years draft. The Texans held Mark Brunell to only 22 consecutive completions yesterday, and were able to hold the Redskins under 500 yards (495 yards). The game marked the third straight week that the Texans had held their opponents under 75 points.
Related: Did the NFL force the Texans to take Sam Bowie, uh, I mean Mario Williams over Reggie Bush so that the Saints will move to LA?

Posted at 8:05 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

September 21, 2006

Sofa Kingdom WIns, JGT receives strange note

The Sofa Kingdom won a nailbiter at the Bards on Tuesday, then remarked that they found it strange that Johnny had a note inside his car on Thursday. "Yeah, I walked out to my car and saw a note on the drivers seat that read, "Please don't park here." The message on the note itself isn't so strange, but how did they get it into my car? The doors were locked and no windows were broken. Oh well, it'll take a lot more than that to scare me out of that cherry parking spot," said Goodtimes, who then sheepishly admitted that he moved the car a few minutes after finding the note.

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September 15, 2006

Sofa Kingdom Wins, JGT gives movie review to movie everyone has already seen

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Thursday, 96-94, over that team that always changes its name. The team then sat by, listlessly, as Johnny discussed the pros and cons of Invincible, which he finally got around to seeing yesterday. Here's Johnny review.
It was a pretty decent movie. It took almost 20 minutes before I cried the first time, but I surprisingly didn't stay a blubbery mess throughout. It used basically every cliche in movie history, which kept it from going from good to great, but hey, that's Disney for you. One funny thing I noticed: As a special nod to the white citizens of South Philly, every black person in this film was a complete and total a******. Then again, if some old black janitor had given Marky Mark a speech about how to keep his head up when the going got tough, it would have been even more hokey and cliched. One ridiculous thing, they screwed up the Philly fight song. They said "Fight, Eagles, Fight, on the Road to Victory", instead of "Fly Eagles Fly". Anyone know why? I have no idea. And one technical screwup I noticed: At the end, the Eagles have 3rd and 10 on their own 5 yard line. The running back then gains nine yards. But on the next play (4th and 1), they have the ball on the 10 instead of the 14. All in all, I recommend it, but it's no Hoosiers.

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September 14, 2006

Sofa Kingdom wins, wishes Powell and McCain would butt out

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Tuesday, edging the Narkotizing Dysfunktion, 96-93. After the match, they discussed their disgust with sissies like Powell and McCain who are trying to derail a president who knows more about war than almost anyone. "I'm sick of pinko commies like Powell and McCain with little to no experience on the battlefield trying to tell a war hero like George W. Bush what to do," said Sofa Stallone. "You don't think Bush knows what he's doing? This is a guy who not only fought bravely over the skies of Houston during the Vietnam War but who also started what is widely considered one of the most succesful wars in the modern era. When people like Powell and McCain offer their opinions, they just aid the terrorists."

Posted at 2:38 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (17)

September 11, 2006

You KNow that Team that Keeps Changing their name? Yeah, they won

That team that always changes it's name (last week they were Flesh Tuxedo) won at the Bards on Thursday, and I don't feel like finding out what their name is. My life coach is here, trying to get me organized, and I'm not going to kick him out of my office so that I can go searching for their freaking team name. In other news, I have a life coach who's trying to get me organized.

Posted at 2:51 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (7)

September 10, 2006

JGT Mails It In Again; "This is Pathetic," say critics

Dysfunktion won at the Bards last Tuesday night and they got a gift certificate. It was great.

(Critics have not been amused by Johnny's antics. "This is just sad," said Spanky Twizzler. "It's bad enough he put stamps on the pics and said he was mailing it in. But what's really pathetic is that he put said stamps in the wrong corner.")

Posted at 8:58 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

September 4, 2006

You Can't Really Dust for Vomit

A team calling itself Flesh Tuxedo won at a loud, raucous Bards on Thursday night. The team name, of course, comes from one of the most brilliant lyrics in rock history: My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo.
I love to sink her with my pink torpedo. With that in mind, I give you the epic Spinal Tap interview. I think we might have to show this movie on a movie Monday.

Posted at 2:11 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

September 1, 2006

Sofa Kingdom wins, Sells Out on Planet

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Tuesday, but Johnny wasn't impressed. "Yeah, these guys won at Science quizzo at the Planetarium back in February," said an angry Goodtimes. "At the PLANETARIUM. As in Planets! And they can't even take the time to sign my petition to help save a freaking planet? Frauds! Turncoats! Bums!"
RELATED: What the F***? Are you people too f***** kool to sign my f****** petition? Well, then enjoy your 8 planet universe, you losers!

Posted at 12:05 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

August 25, 2006

Sofa Kingdom WIns in OT, Jimmy Swaggart funnier than Jim Bakker

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Thursday night, fighting off the Tribunal (These guys need to pick a name and stick with it, so they can get the props they deserve. They win fairly often, but they always change names, so nobody notices.) Then, after a lengthy discussion, they came back with a verdict. The Jimmy Swaggart sex scandal was funnier than the Jim Bakker one. "It's tough, because Bakker had Tammy Faye, who made the whole thing that much more amazing," said Parsnip Cabbagepaw. "But Jimmy Swaggart's confession was one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life. 'I do not plan in any way to whitewash my sin.' That is just comedy gold."
Related: Phil Hartman (most underrated comedic genius ever) plays Jimmy Swaggart on Church Chat.
Jimmy Swaggart Fun Fact!: Swaggart doesn't have the only great balls of fire in the family (zing!). His cousin is Jerry Lee Lewis.

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August 24, 2006

Sofa Kingdom wins, Pluto awaits results of "B" sample

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Tuesday, but their victory was overshadowed by the announcement that Pluto had lost its planetary status following evidence of a synthetic orbit. "I can't believe that these astronomers are going to try to take me out of hearts and imaginations of schoolchildren around the galaxy," said Pluto, who noted that styrofoam representations of the universe will take three minutes less to make. Astronomers have stated that "no planet is safe" from their wrath, as the public's trust in the planets has dwindled following a number of controversies in recent years. In 2002, mysterious "ice" was found on Mars, and don't think there haven't been questions about how Jupiter got so enormous (like it just woke up one morning and was 318 times the size of Earth?) and fast (rotates on its axis in ten hours, the shortest of any planet.) "We're looking hard at Jupiter," said leading astronomer Flip Randolph. "If we notice anything funny, we'll classify it as a red dwarf, no problem. We don't care if we need to eliminate all the planets and start all over again. If that's what it takes to regain the pub(l)ic's trust, we'll do it."

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August 21, 2006

Sofa Kingdom Scores 114...and Loses

The Sofa Kingdom only missed one question on thursday night, but still didn't come away with a victory, as Narkotizing Dysfunktion also only missed one question, and then came much closer in overtime. (What year did the Bards open for business? 1996.) In an interesting twist, they both missed the same question-which happened to be the only question the last place team got CORRECT in Round Four. The question was, "What's the only word that appears on all standard US coins but not on US dollars?" Both teams answered cent. The answer is Liberty. "Cent" does not appear on the dime.

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August 18, 2006

SK wins, John Karr nabbed by fashion police

The Sofa Kingdom's win on Tuesday was overshadowed a few hours later, when it was discovered that a man named John Karr had been arrested by the fashion police in Thailand. "Yeah, I mean buttoning your polo shirt collar all the way is pretty much a 'creep alert'," said Ted Bartkowski of the Kingdom. "But wearing hiked up khakis with pleats, well, I'm just glad they caught this guy before he had a chance to dress again." (Oh,come on, like you people weren't thinking it.)

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August 11, 2006

Stereotype or Generalization Wins at the Bards, Debates first lady hotness

Stereotype or Generalization scored an impressive 113 at the Bards on Thursday night, then spent the remainr of the evening debating who was the hottest ever first lady (the topic of round three). "Dude, Jackie O was a straight up fox," said Howard D. Duck of the stereotypes, "But don't overlook Ellen Arthur. She was a flat out dame." Added Severn McGaskill, "Does Jane Wyman count? I mean really, doe. Bangin'."
Verdict: Not even close. Jackie O is so much hotter than the other first ladies that it's almost embarrassing. Coming Monday: ugliest first lady. Now, that's gonna be a hell of a contest.

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August 10, 2006

Controversy, Outrage at Bards

As you know, I tend to get nervous when teams have a perfect score after three rounds. I've only given out one perfect score ever, and I didn't sleep for a week afterwards. So when the Kingdom had a perfect score through three, it was time to get devious. I noticed that their rap expert, Koob, wasn't there, so I busted out a rap "Name that tune" in round four, and the Kingdom finished with a 114. Keep in mind, it wasn't an impossible rap, as several teams got the correct answer. The song was "I Know You Got Soul" by Eric B. and Rakim.

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August 6, 2006

What Would Jesus Eat? Wins at the Bards

What Would Jesus Eat? won at the Bards on Thursday. I bet he'd like gyros. They're delicious.

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One Of Us Slept With Sally Wins at the Bards

One of Us Slept w/ Sally won at the Bards, then discussed their love for the word trebuchet. "I mean, seriously, trebuchet is such a badass word for such a badass thing," said Gabe Hornblower of the Sallies. "It f****** launches things great distances, AND it's super fun to say. Trebuchet, trebuchet, trebuchet."
Related: Johnny almost killed by trebuchet in Delaware last year.

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July 28, 2006

The Week That Was in Quizzo

Tuesday night started off with a tight battle at O'neals with Peach Key beating Rolling In The Grass At My Friend's Wedding by a single point.

Then at the Bards the Sofa Kingdom triumphed with a score of 106. Narcotizing Dysfunktion and Wichita is more than double the size of Topeka, Jackass were tied for second, each with a score of 92, so it came down to a tiebreaker. How many meanings does the word Run have according to the Unabridged Oxford English Dictionary? Wichita guesed 30. Narcotizing Dysfunction's guess of 39 was slightly closer to the actual number of 464 and second place was there's!

On Thursday the lightning wasn't the only show in town as there was a barn burner down at the Bards as the Sofa Kingdom finished out of the money for the first time in a long while and set the stage for a new champion. And that's just what we got as Love the Kreme defeated Sweating Our Balls Off 89-85.

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July 14, 2006

Quite a Week at the Bards!

It was the Sofa Kingdom winning both nights at the Bards, only a seventies slugger separated the Kingdom from a perfect score on Thursday. But the real story was second place. On Tuesday night, We've Been Losing to Sofa Kingdom since the XYZ Affair (featuring Philadelphia Will Do's DMac) not only had the best name but totally rocked the fourth round leap frogging a half dozen teams to finish second. It sure helped that they knew the names of the ghosts in Pac Man (Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde), proving it was not "a ridiculous question" as at least one team contended.
And then on Thursday night Narcotizing Dysfunction, who were perfect through three rounds came back to earth a bit in the fourth and were caught by License to Kim-Jong Il, forcing a tiebreaker, how tall is the tallest bridge in the world. License to Kim-Jong Il's guess of 900 feet was off by just 84 feet and they captured second place.
Can someone topple the mighty kingdom, come out next week to try.

- Trivia Art

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July 13, 2006

New Questions at the Bards Tonight

Trivia Art here, just wanting to let you know there WILL be new questions at the Bards tonight. Several of you came up to me on Tuesday and wanted to know if there was a chance. Well it turns out there's more than a chance, there will definitely be new questions.
So come on back, even if you did play on Tuesday.

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July 8, 2006

Axis of Evil Knieval goes out on tour

The Axis of Evil Knieval, well known as Good Dog regulars and MAGMA's chief arch rival, took their show on the road Thursday and emerged victorious at the Bards. Afterwards, the group did copious amounts of illegally obtained narcotics and trashed their hotel room. There were also rumors of strippers.

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July 3, 2006

Remember that exciting three way tie on Thursday?

Yeah, well, it wasn't really a tie. I'm an idiot. Sofa Kingdom should have won in the first place, I just added wrong. Fortunately, they won in OT to spare me the embarrasment of having the wrong team win. Watch You Like a S*** Hawk (below) did make an impressive comeback to finish 2nd after being 15 points out of 2nd going into round four.

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June 29, 2006

Flushable Softwipes Win Gimmicky Quizzo

The Flushable Softwipes ended the Sofa Kingdom's 5 match reign with an impressive 111 point performance at a ridiculously crowded Bards on Tuesday. That night's quizzo was one clown short of a circus, at least according to Death, Exciting and New, a team that had never played JGT quizzo before. According to eyewitnesses, this team whined the entire match about the lack of Joker rounds, and were absolutely appalled by the presence of music between rounds, calling it a "cheap gimmick". They also repeatedly referred to the Quizmaster as Johnny Douchetimes on several occasions. Rumor has it that Johnny likes the name ("Yeah, it's a tad insulting, but you have to admit, it's kind of catchy," said Goodtimes), and is currently checking the availability of johnnydouchetimes.com.

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June 27, 2006

Sofa Kingdom WIns, Claims that Axl Rose Arrest a Media Creation

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Thursday, sending a message with their 5th straight win. They then claimed that this Axl Rose debacle was all a media creation. Said Sweeney McSweeney, ""Nothing but another example of the left wing media trying to make Axl look bad. If he's found guilty of a crime, it will be because of activist judges. And I wouldn't be surprised if feminazis are ultimately behind this fraud. Yeah, I said fraud. The fact is, Axl has a wonderful disposition, and would never bite security guard. Axl is a lover, not a biter. The legendary 80s rocker has got to be furious about this. He might want to indulge in recreational drugs and loose women to take the edge off."

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June 22, 2006

Sofa Kingdom Wins, Disappointed by Philly Style Mag Results

The Sofa Kingdom won Tuesday night at the Bards, but the win didn't lift their spirits after what they thought was an absolute outrage perpetrated by the readers of Philly Style Magazine. "This is ridiculous!" screamed Koob Spritzer. "Everybody knows that the New Deck has the only acceptable quizzo. I mean, what are these people thinking? Goodtimes? Oh, I dunno. He's like the 5th best. But New Deck?" Koob kissed his fingers. "C'est magnifique!"
Related: Sofa Kingdom struggles to win at 2nd rate quizzo
Related: Sofa Kingdom resolves to play less 2nd rate quizzo in 2006

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June 18, 2006

Sofa Kingdom wins, think Johnny's new image is a disaster

THe Sofa Kingdom won on Thursday, their second win of the week (and Swanson yet again has an eerie red glow in his eyes). But the team was unanimous in thinking that Johnny's attempt to "show the world that quizmasters are sexy, sexy people" was a complete and utter disaster. "That's not sexy," said Nate Cockbloxen. "That's just sad."

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June 16, 2006

Sofa Kingdom WIns, Johnny pleads with crowd to stop being so white

Three teams scored 100 or higher at the Bards on Tuesday night, but it was the Sofa Kingdom who came out on top. However, not a single team could Name that artist on the song "Bustin' out", causing Johnny to groan, "It's a sad day when not a single team can get a Rick James question correct. Come on, white people. Step it up."

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June 9, 2006

Hasselhoff sings America Wins, Hasselhoff sings hooked on a feelin'

Hasselhoff sings America won at the Bards on Thursday night, and afterwards one member of the team let me know that "I received a Hasselhoff DVD in the mail today. It's for a friend." Yeah, it's for a friend. You hear that? It's for a friend. Why do you have to be ashamed of Hasselhoff? I mean, just watch this video, and I think you'll understand why the host nation of this year's World Cup loves this guy (and acid washed jeans).
Related: Dirk loves David, Freedom!

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June 8, 2006

Sofa Kingdom Wins, "A little disappointed" by lack of apocalypse

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards in the 6-6-6 Spectacular, but as the clock wound past midnight, they realized that the remainder of the evening would not be spent in Dante's Inferno. "I wouldn't say I'm devastated by the lack of hellfire and brimstone currently in my immediate view," said Nate "The Snake" Roberts. "But I'm a little disappointed. I mean, it's 12:05 a.m., and here we are at the Bards, sipping on a lager. Not quite as exciting as being surrounded by flames and forced to listen to Ashlee Simpson albums for the remainder of eternity. The Prince of Darkness really let us down on this one." Added Swanson McSweeney, "Beelzebub is full of s***! All that anticipation and then...nothing. Screw him. I'm going to church this Sunday! Or possibly brunch. One of the two."

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June 5, 2006

It's Not the Heat Wins on OT, overshadowed by the Average Homeboy

It's Not the Heat, it's the Humidity won over Watch You Like a S*** Hawk in OT on Thursday, but their vicotry took a backseat to bigger news: Average Homeboy is back, and he's blazin! That's right, ladies and gentleman, you absolutely have to watch the following video. It will make your Monday. I promise.

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June 2, 2006

Narkotizing Dysfunktion wins, outraged at Dimeo case outcome

The Narcotizing Dysfunktion won at the Bards on tuesday night, but that didn't take away the pain of the Anthony Dimeo vs. Tucker Max verdict. "I can't believe the judge ruled in favor of Tucker Max," said Anfernee Max (no relation) of the Dysfunktion, "And I can't believe how hard JGT came down on Dimeo. Does he not realize how poorly he would have done at the bake-off if it wasn't for people like Dimeo growing the blueberries to make his Rhubarb Banana Blueberry Supreme a reality?"
Related: You really should read the judge's motion to dismiss in this case. I have had several lawyer friends tell me this week that they "have never seen a motion like this one in their lives." It includes the phrase, "Fisted like an angry gorilla", which was the name of not one, but two teams this week at quizzo.

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May 29, 2006

Watch You Like a S*** Hawk Shocks stacked Field, unleashes hawk

Watch You Like a S*** Hawk edged the Sofa Kingdom at the Bards on Thursday, then released their mascot Hudson, who ran amok through the crowd, ripping jewelry off women's necks and swooping into men's faces. "I was really proud of this squad," said Johnny of a team that had played numerous times but had never won before. "In fact, I would say, AAAAAAAAAH, that f****** bird has my ear. This confounded animal is trying to destroy me! Does this bird know who I am? AAAAAAAAH!"

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MAGMA goes cold, Cheese and Crack Whores Win

MAGMA's once firm grip on the Good Dog continued to slip, as they lost a shootout to the Chese and Crack Whores, 109-107. The Whores, who had a perfect score thru three, held on in round four for the win. My cats, meanwhile, continue to be totally adorable.

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May 25, 2006

Narkotizing Dysfunktion Wins, Wishes Dixie Carter a Happy Birthday

The Narkotizing Dysfunktion spent the day thursday drinking Budweiser and watching Designing Women reruns to celebrate Dixie Carter's birthday. But one team member wasn't completely thrilled. "You know, everybody gushes about the work she did on Designing Women,"said Ned Barkstone, "but I've never forgiven her for leaving Mr. Drummond with Mary Anne Mobley. I just can't believe she would do that to Sam."

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May 20, 2006

Sand From the Beach WIns, Johnny Fights Post Bake Off Depression

Sand From the Beach knocked off the usual Thursday night victors at the Bards, then voiced their concern about Johnny, who has been noticeably depressed since Friday's bake-off. "He just doesn't seem like himself," said Alex Vanderpelt of the Beaches. "Moody and extra sensitive." Said Goodtimes, "It's just that the last few months have been kind of tough, and this bake-off was all that was keeping me going. Now that the bake-off is over, I mean, what now?" Mental health specialists say that Post Bake Off Depression, or PBOD as it's known in mental health circles, is a very real problem, but that there will be a pill for it soon, accompanied by a commercial with lots of smiles and pills falling from the sky, and then Johnny will be fine.

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May 18, 2006

Sofa Kingdom Wins, claims that Hoffa is buried under Applebees

The Sofa Kingdom made quite a stir after their win on Tuesday, telling investigators that Jimmy Hoffa is in fact buried under the Applebees at 15th and Locust. "I'm pretty sure," said Ant Buttersworth. "I have a pretty good source, and he wouldn't lie about something like this." Buttersworth said that he think this means that investigators will have to rip open the floor of the exciting new restaurant that has created quite a buzz in Philadelphia with it's Steakhouse Creations. "You'd hate to see that happen in such a great restaurant, but hey, we gotta find this guy, and I'm pretty sure tha's where he is."
Related: Is Hoffa on 8 MIle?

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May 12, 2006

Finally I'm Done wit' this bulls***

Jesus Friggin Christ, I'm sick of this bulls***. It's already 11:00 a.m., and I ain't even had a drink yet. Anyways, I get to the Bards last night, and there's a bunch of friggin Penn students in their, bein' loud and obnoxious and almost certainly leaving s***** tips. I guess they all just graduated from Penn. Good for you. Now go be an account executive at daddy's firm and see if you can make enough money to buy a soul. Anyways, so I kicks dese punks out and we play the game and who really gives a two dollar damn. Somebody won, somebody lost, yadda yadda yadda. Oh yeah, and the team below, Guida and the Karaoke Kid, got the 2nd lowest score ever, finishing with a 10. And to be honest, I really think they were trying. It's my weekend, you scumbags. It's been real nice hangin' witchu this week. Vote in the new poll and tell me how much you liked me. Then I'll see ya in hell. My name is Bobby Badtimes. Beware my wrath!

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Sofa Kingdom Wins, Haven't Been Laid Since '98

These friggin clowns won at the Bards on Tuesday, but that was little consolation for the fact that they ain't been laid (collectively) since the Clinton years. "That's just not true," said Nate Bittersweet of da Kingdom. So I punched him in the face.

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May 5, 2006

Citizens on Patrol MIss perfect score by 98 degrees

The Citizens on Patrol lost a perfect game by one question on Thursday night at the bards, and nearly lost the contest, as they edged the Sofa Kingdom, 109-105. The only question they missed was, "Jeffrey Timmons was a member of what group, which had a hit with "Thank God I Found You?" Johnny found great comfort in the fact that a perfect score was prevented by his favorite group ever. Said Goodtimes, "They have not broken up. They're just on hiatus to pursue solo projects." Johnny added that the Nick Lachey solo album, being released on the 9th, is going to kick total ass. "It's going to be even better than Soulo."

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May 4, 2006

Ottoman Empire Retains title, thinks Johnny's Spanish teacher is muy caliente

The Ottoman Empire dominated the field to win a 2nd straight Tuesday night quizzo at the Bards, then remarked that they might begin taking spanish class themselves, after seeing how attractive one of Johnny's teachers is. "Damn, Johnny, how the heck do you learn anything with a teacher that cute?" asked Famous Nathan Jackson of the Empire, to which Johnny replied, "I don't." Johnny's teacher is happily married, to which Goodtimes can only say, "No bueno."

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May 1, 2006

Bringing out the Gimp WIns, Impressed By Johnny's Newfound Maturity

Bringing out the Gimp made another loud statement on Thursday night, winning at the Bards with a 50 in the final round. It was their 6th win in the last ten weeks, though they have slipped under the radar by using a different team name in each contest. After the contest, the team remarked how impressed they were that Johnny wasn't manipulating the current Anna Nicole Smith Supreme Court case as an excuse to post lewd photos of her on the website. "I think that Johnny has really matured," Matt Kuscinsko of the Gimps. Added Goodtimes, "Listen, this is a family website, and there is no room on it for raunchy photos of lascivous women. Not even Anna Nicole Smith."

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April 28, 2006

Ottoman Empire Reigns Supreme

Tuessday nights at the Bards has become a place for gunslingers as of late, and this past tuesday was no exception. The Sofa Kingdom, the Narkotizing Dysfunktion, and the squad that always gives itself trashy Sakespeare team names was there. But it was a team with a checkered past and an uncertain future that, for one moment in time, were the darlings of destiny. The Ottoman Empire, a rag tag collection of journeymen who have kicked around the league for years, somehow put it all together on this special night and not only won, but devastasted the competition with a score of 109. This team, so used to crying tears of agaony and shame was, for just this once, crying tears of joy.

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April 21, 2006

Kingdom wins, expected to be at Club Flow Tonight

The Sofa Kingdom knocked off a full house at the Bards on Thursday night, edging out an impressive new team called "I Chose Temple", 105-104. The defending champion 1.21 Jigawatts finished 3rd, and the Champs (Yes, those Champs) finished in 4th. The Kingdom was also hoping that they could claim a new title over the weekend: America's next porn star. (Page is kind of SFW, but rest of website is not. Actually, considering that the words "So You Want to be America's Next Porn Star" are in giant letters at the top of the page, maybe you just better not check this one at work. Here's a safer option: Dan Gross's write up.) "I'll probably win," said Nate "The Snake" Roberts of the Kingdom. "I'm hung like a kangaroo."

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April 14, 2006

1.21 Jigawatts Win, Enrich Uranium

1.21 Jigawatts, who some are saying are the new Kings of the Bards (they've won 4 times in the last month, while the Sofa Kingdom has won twice, though to be fair the Kingdom won three straight times before that), pulled off another victory on Thursday. But their win didn't stop them from receiving widespread condemnation from the international community after it was discovered that they recently enriched uranium. "Dude, it was like a total accident," said Schwag Walker of the Jigawatts. "We were just tooling around with some uranium I had picked up from this dude I know in North Philly, and the next thing you know it's enriched. Dumb luck, really.'

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April 13, 2006

Sofa Kingdom WIns, thought johnny would get more work done on the website

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Tuesday, then waited breathlessly for Johnny to come through on his promise to post some pizza reviews and the results of Wednesday's quizzoes. "Once again, Goodtimes writes checks his butt can't cash," said a disgruntled Nate "The Snake" Roberts. "This morning, we were promised stories of pizza and big money challenges, and what do we get? A freakin' movie made by Nintendo. Thanks a million, 'Times." A spokesman for Goodtimes said that the quizmaster spent the day in the park. "It's just too nice outside to expect Johnny to sit around his house and come up with stories for you people. Especially when he can be at the park, striking out with beautiful women."

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April 7, 2006

$2 Lager's make my nipples tingle

$2 Lagers Make My Nipples Tingle won at a packed Bards on Thursday, edging out a feisty My Dad Has An AMazing Body team primed for an upest. All the stars were out on this night, as the Kingdom crashed in Round Four, and the Satan's Minions made the trip west from the Black Sheep and finished third. 10 Minus Five Equals Frowney Face finished last, taking home the three liter Big Fizz, who sponsord thursday night's contest. "Sprite still hasn't figured out an answer for Big Fizz, who has been killing their market share," says market analyst Lou Dobbs. "Sprite wishes they had introduced the world to the three liter bottle."
Related: Some guy named Anthony doesn't like Big Fizz Root Beer.

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Midsummer night creams competition

A Midsummer Night's Cream wiped ot the competition at the Bards on Tuesday night. But all was not right in their world, as the grammar on this craigslist posting had them upset (Before it was taken down, the headline had read, "Horny Women need men who can fulfill there needs"). "I mean seriously, who wants a horny woman who fails to use the possessive form their as a modifier, and instead thinks that "there" needs can be met?" asked Dwayne Fivestar. "Color me turned off."

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April 3, 2006

Sofa Kingdom Wins, Donate their cars

The Sofa Kingdom really showed it had heart on Thursday night, donating their cars to blind children. "Once I saw that blind child on the side of the SEPTA bus, it hit me that he didn't have a car and I did," said Swanson McSweeney. "And that's not the way it should be." Added Koob, "I don't see how we can really call ourselves a first class city when we have hardly any blind children drivers. It's time for that to change."

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March 31, 2006

The Night Of the Giving Head Play With Fire

The Night of the Giving Head won in impressive fashion Tuesday night at the Bards, scoring a total of 117 points in the process. They then celebrated their win by watching midget's perform Sonny and Cher songs and then listened to several hot new tracks off K-Fed's new CD.

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March 26, 2006

Two Chicks at the Same Time starring Kenichi Fukui

Kenichi Fukui made a triumphant return to the silver screen this past week, releasing the blockbuster Two Girls At the Same Time, a title that inspired the name for this week's winners. Fukui, who had last appeared in Chemistry Sluts: A Nobel Pursuit (and who also won the 1981 Nobel PRize for Chemistry), is perhaps best known for being one of the questions in the now infamous Nobel Prize Winner or Porn Star Round. The group says that this piece is different than his earlier film. "This one is much more introspective," said Jenny Whiplash. "It's a complex love triangle, and the director really explores the feelings Fukui had for both women, and how he came to value them not as only lovers, but as close friends." Added Snidely Vanderbilt, "Yeah, and the chick on chick action is totally hot."

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March 24, 2006

Narcotizing Dysfunktion Wins, Celebrates World Tuberculosis Day

The Narcotizing Dysfunktion defeated a veritable smorgasboard of talent at the Bards, giving Johnny an opportunity to use the term veritable smorgasboard. The team then announced that it will be spending all day Friday celebrating World Tuberculosis Day. "Yeah," said Baxter Weinberger, "We'll probably get a keg and play 'Name That Cough', just like we do every year. I'm just excited that it landed on a Friday this year, so that we can Par-tay!"

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March 17, 2006

Johnny Uses Old Photo, Bets Nobody Notices

Johnny Goodtimes forgot to take the winning team's photo at the Bards on Thursday night, but he was able to locate and post a photo of the same team winning a few ago without anyone really noticing. "Whew," said Goodtimes. "It's taken me a long time to build my credibility in this city, and it would be dashed in a heartbeat if somebody noticed me using old photos to represent recent news events. I think that's illegal! Oh well, let's just keep this our dirty little secret."

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March 16, 2006

Kingdom on a roll, then gets called out by Hulkamaniacs

The Sofa Kingdom pulled off a victory at the Bards on Tuesday night. It was their eighth win since the start of February, but it doesn't mean that they are getting the respect they so richly deserve. I was asked by the Hulkamaniacs, who disappeared into the sunset after a couple of wins last year, to pass along the following message:
Hey Sofa Kingdom, we're coming out of retirement on Thursday to take your title, your gift certificates, and your dignity all at once in a four-round, QueensburyRule, mano-a-mano trivia smack-fest. And when its all over, the only question JGT will be asking is: for three points, what team took the time out of its busy day to triumphantly return to the ring and teach a bunch of second-tier trivia punks the kind of lesson you only learn by having your pride servedto you with a pint of Lager?
Answer: The Hulkamaniacs. Ooooh yeah, Sofa Kingdom. The Hulkamaniacs are back and ready to put the Leg Drop on anybody who stands in our way. Say your prayers and take your vitamins, because on March 16 the Hulkamaniacs are going to set the Bards in order. Sweet dreams, ladies.

Posted at 9:32 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

March 10, 2006

Sofa Kingdom Wins, McSweeney touches all

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Tuesday night, but not long after disaster struck in the form of a stunt gone horribly wrong. The Kingdom tried to do a celebratory pyramid, but Sweeney McSweeney toppled off the pyramid to the ground, landing squarely on his head. A hushed silence fell over the crowd, but Sweeney lifted their spirits with an impromptu cheer from his emergency gurney.
It's alright, It's OK
Just because I wear a skirt don't mean I'm gay
(not that there's anything wrong with that)
Goooooooooooooooooooo Kingdom!

Aw, shucks! What a trooper!
Related: Peppy Cheerleader annoys living s*** out of me.

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March 9, 2006

Sofa Kingdom Wins, Nate Touches Us All

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Tuesday night, but not long after disaster struck in the form of a stunt gone horribly wrong. The Kingdom tried to do a celebratory pyramid, but Nate Riley toppled off the pyramid to the ground, landing squarely on his head. A hushed silence fell ovethe crowd, but Nate lifted their spirits with an impromptu cheer from his emergency gurney.
I'm alright I ain't hurt
Except for my pride, Cause I'm wearing a skirt
Goooooooooooooooooooo Kingdom!

Aw, shucks! What a trooper!

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March 3, 2006

Angela Lansbury Prevents Perfect Score

History would be made at the Bards on Thursday night, as the Regime of Truth got the second highest score ever, a 117, missing only a 2nd round question about Angela Lansbury. (The One Stop Carnival scored 114...and lost!) Now, normally, that would mean that Johnny would find something funny online about Lansbury, and maybe even photoshop her into the team photo. But not now. A bunch of small kids just walked into the coffee shop, obviously part of some sort of communist plot to prevent me from reaching my deadline, and they are being distracting. The like Indian or Chinese house music or whatever being played here is starting to drive me crazy. And yet, it is 4:47 p.m., and I have just posted the final photo. I am such a badass.

One Stop Carnival

Vince Young Is Smarter Than Me

All By Myself

Carl Winslow is Locked Up In My Basement

Is It Getting Dark Out?

Big Boy

Team DiPietro

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Sofa Kingdom WIns Again, JGT tries to make deadline

Johnny Goodtimes, bravely fighting off the effects of essentially three straight weeks of a remarkably unhealthy lifestyle replete with heavy boozing, greasy food, and fast cars (trust me, the Crown Vic can freaking move) is still trying to get everybody's photo's up on the website by 5 o'clock today. Can he make it? We'll see. He starts at the Bards, where the Defective Sidewalk won by like 70 points. Yeah, it was ugly. Anyways, enough of the small talk. Here's the pics.

I Survivied a Botched Threesome, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

Little Lebowski Urban Achievers

The Gunning Runts

Karl Rove Obsesses Over Me

The Griswolds

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February 24, 2006

Spanish pantalonies win at Bards

She liked the way his coarse workman's hands felt on her back, the way his English Leather cologne smelled as he held her oh so tight.
"Please don't go," he said, rubbing his hands against her vanilla soft skin.
"But Gunner, I have to go. You know it's thursday night and that we always..."
"Damnit, Marguaret" he shouted, releasing his strong grip and walking across the room. "Damn that quiz game! It's tearing us apart!"
"It's only once a week," she protested.
""Oh, am I supposed to withold my passion for you once a week so that you may play some stupid trivia game? Besides, you'll never beat the Sofa Kingdom. If you walk out the door, don't ever come back!"
His icy stare was cold, yet she could sense a warmness in it as well. Soft raindrops fell on the tin roof above. It-this mad love-was suffocating her. She wanted to run far away into the hills...and yet, at the same time, she never wanted to move again. Like a statue.

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February 22, 2006

Sofa Kingdom Wins, to begin working at Meat Plant

The Sofa Kingdom knocked off rival Narcotizing Dysfunktion at the Bards on Tuesday night, then announced that they are gonna start working at a meat packing plant. "Yeah, if you do the math, you'll see that only one group of people has ever won a $365 million Powerball game, and they are meat packers," said team mathematician Garbo Pittsnogle. "That works out to a 100% success rate. That means that once we start packing meat it will only be a matter of time before we win the dang thing." Adds Swannie Lynnwood, "Besides, how bad could it be? I mean, you shoot the thing in the head, you rip it's guts out, you put it on a meat hook and then Rocky punches it. No big whoop."

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February 15, 2006

Sofa Kingdom finally stops being stupid on Tuesdays

The Sofa Kingdom was finally able to get it's head out of it's collective ass on a Tuesday night, as they ran away with the competition at the Bards on Tuesday night. The erstwhile juggernaut, which had not been able to pull off a Tuesday win in forever, aced the final round en route to a 113 point performance. Said Koob Lover, "This was important for us, Johnny. Coming in here and being stupid every Tuesday was starting to take a toll on our psyches."

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February 12, 2006

Sofa Kingdom not gay, but thinks ohno has great head of hair

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Thursday, then had to admit that Olympic speedskater Apollo Anton Ohno (below, right) has a great head of hair. "Listen," said Swanson McSweeney, "I'm as straight as a dadgum cowboy, but damn if those aren't some dreamy curls." Added Koob Lover, "You are really going to have a hard time finding someone as ungay as I am, but would I like to run my hands through Ohno's hair just once? Sure I would." Nate Fingerchimes piped in, "A teammate once patted me on the butt after I hit a home run in softball, and I turned around and clocked him in the face. That's just how ungay I am. But I'd love to know what kind of conditioner he uses."

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February 8, 2006

Martin Nuzzletit Wins, Can't Wait to see Keith Urban tonight

Martin Nuzzletit came from behind to defeat the Sofa Kingdom in what has become their achilles heel-overtime. The team has lost like five straight times when matches go into an extra frame. After the match, Martin Nuzzetit could not stop talking about Keith Urban's upcoming performance at the Grammy's. "Man, this is gonna be awesome!" said Sally Smothers of MN. "I hope he plays, 'Better Life'." Johnny hopes Urban catches on fire during the ceremony.

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February 7, 2006

Sofa Kingdom can only win on Thursdays

The Sofa Kingdom won on Thursday, but that didn't silence their critics, who say that the team is simply a one trick pony, a team that can only win on Thursdays. "I mean, look at the evidence," said Sofa Kingdom critic Tom Couch. ""This is a team that falls to pieces on Tuesdays and then salvages meaningless Thursday wins. This team can simply not handle the pressure of a Tuesday night." The Kingdom has not reigned supreme on a Tuesday since mid-December.

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February 3, 2006

Narcotizing Dysfunktion wins, kinda liked Son of the mask

The Narcotizing Dysfunktion further facilitated Sofa Kingdom's descent into the abyss, edging the once mighty Kingdom, 100-99 at the Bards. The Dysfunktion then made a startling admission. "Yeah, we didn't understand why Son of the Mask was nominated for so many Razzies," said Charlotte Weber of ND. "I mean it had everything I like in a film: action, Jamie Kennedy, and computer animated babies."
"In the five years I’ve been co-hosting this show, this is the closest I’ve ever come to walking out halfway through the film, and now that I look back on the experience, I wish I had." -Richard Roeper

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February 1, 2006

Moustache Riders in the Sky Win, Think new Matthew Perry Show is Going to Be a Big Hit

The Moustache Riders in the Sky won at the Bards on Thursday, at least I think that was their team name. After this past week, my office is a complete wreck with papers everywhere...well, ok it's like that every week, but this week it's even worse, so I'm not sure I grabbed the right paper. So anyway, the Moustache Riders think that the new Matthew Perry show is going to be a huge hit. "Oh yeah. I think this will be an even bigger hit than Joey," said Candi "Candy" Kane. "I hope they call this one 'Chandler'. That would be, like, totally awesome."

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January 27, 2006

Kommunity Kollege of Filadelphia Wins at Bards

The Kommunity Kollege of Filadelphia was able to pull off a victory at the Bards on Tuesday night, thanks to a little help from new teammates Tomax and Xamot (read the link. It's really funny.) "Yeah, they really helped a lot," said Barnaby Braxton of the KKF. The two members of Cobra's Crimson Guard's plane had been shot down only moments earlier, but they had floated safely to earth via hang gliders. Braxton continued, "It was weird, when Tomax put a french fry in his mouth that was too hot, Xamot felt the pain. But hell, that's just how twins are, I guess."

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January 20, 2006

Sand From the Beach Wins, Celebrates Naismith

Sand From the Beach won at the Bards on Thursday, then sang the praises of Dr. James Naismith, who made possible the first ever basketball game, on January 20, 1892. "Thank heavens for ol' Dr. Naismith," said Ralphie Roundball. Ralphie is apparently a big hoops fan. "Uh, no Johnny. I could give a s*** about the game itself. But without James Naismith, there could be no Kurtis Blow."
RELATED: Kurtis Blow costs Western Omelette contest back in '03.
RELATED: Kurtis Blow's son studying under the sensei to become an MC. Break it up, break it up, break it uuuuuup!

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January 19, 2006

Microsoft Plaintiffs win, eaten by giant jellyfish

The Microsoft Plaintiffs won an extremely narrow victory at the Bards on Tuesday night,edging out the Sofa Kingdom, 99-98. But after the match, their joy turned to despair when they were consumed whole by a giant jellyfish. "This is nothing short of a tragedy," said Goodtimes. " I mean, we knew these giant jellyfish were in Japan, but we had no idea that they would migrate all the way to Philadelphia, much less adapt to life on land." Added grief stricken bartender Kevin, "The jellyfish ate them before they paid their bill. I get that s*** taken out of my paycheck. Damn giant jellyfish!"

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January 13, 2006

Sofa Kingdom Wins, Throws Smackdown

The Sofa Kingdom pulled off another win at the Bards on Thursday night, then officially started the Quizzo Bowl smack talking. "I hear tickets are selling pretty well so far. That's good, because I want there to be a packed house when we collect our trophy," said Koob Lover of the champs of, uh, Beat the Champs and 2nd place finshers at Quizzo Bowl One. "I would encourage teams to attend, because the coronation of ourselves is going to be quite a sight to see," added Nate Fairchild. The team added that they guessed that the World Cafe was cool, but they wished it could be held at the New Deck.

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January 11, 2006

Aquaman Wins at Bards, Not gay

Aquaman won in overtime over the Sofa Kingdom at the Bards on Tuesday night, then refuted rumors that their namesake was gay. "Aquaman is not gay," said Brock Turlington. "Just because you can speak to fish and stuff doesn't mean you enjoy the pleasure of other men." Added Lance Hilldebrandt, "Don't get us wrong, we'd still love Aquaman if he were gay." Said Brock, "Even though he's not. He's very straight." Said Lance, "I saw Brokeback Mountain. Loved it. Got no problem with gays. But Aquaman is simply not gay. " Remarked Brock, "Listen, the Justice League's heyday was a different time in America. I doubt that they would have accepted Aquaman had he been gay. I'm not defending that stance, I'm just saying that that's how things were back then." Lance concurred. "I'm sure, in 2005, the Justice League would welcome Aquaman if he were gay. Which he's not. But things were different back then. It's not the Justice League's fault. They were just a product of the times."

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January 7, 2006

Sofa Kingdom, banished to village, still wins

After a performance on Tuesday that Johnny Goodtimes said, "Tainted the sport of quizzo", the Sofa Kingdom was banished to a nearby Irish village for Thursday's game. "I don't want some 2nd rate quizzo team taking up space in the good seats," explained the quizmaster. But the Kingdom put in a first rate performance, and came away with a victory that silenced their critics, at least for now.

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January 6, 2006

Longstreet Wins, Kingdom Humbled

Longstreet pulled off a blowout win at the Bards on Tuesday, while the Kingdom finished with a measly 69 points, embarrassing both themselves and their immediate families. Luge Tech, below, entered the final round with 16 points, but outscored the Kingdom in Rund Four, 24-23, giving me a totally legitimate excuse to put them on the website.

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January 2, 2006

Sofa Kingdom WIns, Resolves to Spend less Time at 2nd rate quizzoes

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Tuesday, then told Johnny to expect to see less of them in 2006. "Yeah, we're kind of sick of this ramshackle quizzo, with it's antiquated scoring system and it's lack of running water," said Catbird Wallace. "Nope, this 'Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo' is sooooooo 2005. The New Deck is the only acceptable quizzo in 2006."
Related: New Deck Quizzo Rules!!!

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December 23, 2005

The Miracle of Hanukkah WIns, Clarence Loses Wings

In what can only be described as a bummer, the Miracle of Hanukkah had their victory celebration broken up by an annoying little angel looking for it's wings. The angel, named Clarence, had received his wings in 1946, after saving a man named George Bailey in a highly unorthodox fashion. But on tThursday night, after one too many hot ciders, Clarence put his wings down and forgot where he left them. "Dude, they're not under our table," said Holly Jolly of the Miracles. "Can't you just leave us alone? When annoying little angels like you nag us, it just makes us wish we'd never been born."

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December 21, 2005

Kingdom Wins, thinks Eminem-Kim Reunion "Will Work Out Great"

The Sofa Kingdom pulled of ftheir second straight win at the Bards on Tuesday, finiahing with an impressive 112. After the match, they said that they thought that Eminem reuniting with his ex-wife Kim was going to work out great for both of them. Said Ice Koob of the Kingdom. "These things usually work out better the 2nd time around. Yeah, so he described slitting her neck in that one song, and he described dropping her dead body off in front of the police station in another song, and he accuses her of being hooked on meth and all. But other than that, I think they have a really healthy relationship. Well, aside from him pistol whipping her ex-boyfriend." Koob added that the Penn band has several songs about locking women in trunks, but" that doesn't make us bad people." Ice Koob plays the cowbell for the Penn band.

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December 16, 2005

Sofa Kingdom Wins (Finally), Experiences Dizziness, Mild Seizures

The Sofa Kingdom pulled off a victory at the Bards on Thursday, their first win in over a month. But soon after the contest, several members of the team began experiencing headaches, dizziness, and mild seizures. It was believed to be the flashing red and blue lights coming from behind Johnny. Due to the incident, the JGT quizzo Spectacular has been banned in Japan.
RELATED: Japanese kids freak out after watching Pokemon on this date in 1997.

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December 14, 2005

Roald Amundsen takes wrong turn

Roald Amundsen, hoping to be the first man to make it to the South Pole, took a wrong turn on Tuesday and ended up at the Bards, where he helped Sexually Attracted to Fire knock off Hanukkah:the Forgotten War, 104-103. "Damnit," said Amundsen after the win. "That confounded Robert Scott is probably halfway there by now. Where are we, Philadelphia? By Jove, we're not even near the Pole!"
Related: Amundsen Reaches South Pole on December 14th, 1911
Related: Johnny's kool interview with wacky Philly coffee mogul who hiked to the South Pole last year.

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December 9, 2005

Today is Pearl Harbor in Japan Wins, Prepare to Turn Lives Around

Today is Pearl Harbor Day in Japan pulled off a narrow win at the Bards on Thursday, and said that they were going to use their gift certificate to invest in Cash Money Generator, which is coming to Philly early next week! Just look at these testimonials! "But I have bad credit," said Thad Butterscotch of the Harbors. That's not a problem Thad. Bad credit shouldn't stop you from turning your life around! "But I don't have experience in real estate." Do you think you need experience or skills to TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND? "And I've been convicted of double homicide." Listen, we're not out to catch fugitives, we're out to turn some f****** lives around!***
RELATED: Sad news. One of the impeccably dressed midgets in the Cash Flow Generator Commercials died last month.

***Johnny was paid vast sums of money to endorse this product, BUT it is one he truly believes in. It turned his life around.

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I went to college w/ Humperdink wins, start vicious rumor

I went to School With Prince Humperdink's daughter won at the Bards on Tuesday night, then started a vicious and unfounded rumor. "Word is," said a vindictful (is that a word?) Gabbie Gumbs, "That J. Alexander on America's Next Top Model is gay!" This bombshell, if true and if ever made public, could ruin Alexander's standing in the fashion community, which has a long history of discrimination. "No, Johnny, I said he's 'great'. I didn't say he's gay. You should get your ears checked." The vengeful Gumbs is now starting rumors about Johnny's hearing which, if true and if made public, could ruin Johnny's standing in the fashion community**.
**And trust me, Johnny's standing in the fashion community is impeccable.

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December 2, 2005

Paraphenilia on table "Not Ours" Says Royal We

The Royal We emerged victorious with a thrilling one point victory over Sand From the Beach at the Bards on Thursday night, but soon found themselves under fire when drug paraphenilia was discovered on their table. "Listen, it's not ours," said the Royal We. "It a friend of ours, ok? We took it away from him to get him off drugs. We brought it to the Bards to keep it away from our children." Johnny announced that he would be looking into the spelling of paraphenilia after this article was completed.

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December 1, 2005

Bette Midler Leads Team to Victory

Bette Midler led Alicia Keys is my 2nd Cousin, who pulled off the only major upset this week, knocking off Narcotizing Dysfunction, 103-101. Midler proved to be the wind beneath the wings of the team. I think Bette Midler sings that. Or maybe it's Barbara Streisand. It's one of those Jewish women I really hate. Anyways, it was a huge win, and Midler's sailor cap defied the laws of physics throughout the contest. Oh yeah, today is Midler's 60th birthday.

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November 23, 2005

Two of a Kind Win, Hopes Philly Girl Freezes

Two of a Kind edged the Sofa Kingdom in double overtime at the Bards on Tuesday night, the second time in two weeks that the team had knocked off the Kingdom in OT. The team then expressed it wish that this Philly girl, who has spent over $13,000 following Hanson , freezes while waiting for tickets. "Johnny, don't make us out to be sickos," said team member Downtown Julio Maroon. " I mean, I don't want her out in some labyrinth like Jack in the The Shining. I just want her to like lose some toes to frostbite or something, and then move to Jersey, where she belongs."

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November 18, 2005

Alfonso Bigots Win Big, Feelin' Hot, Hot, Hot

Alfonso's Bigots pulled off a narrow win over the Kingdom at quizzo on Thursday, then celebrated with a post game meal at Senor Rattlers (johnnygoodtimes.com is an enye free enterprise). "That place has got some SPICY chimichangas, if you know what I mean," said team member Stanley La Benoit. Added team member Nancy La Beareaugart, "Those fajitas were SIZZLIN,' if you know what I mean." Bigot Pepe La Schmoov added, "Mexican food gives me BAD DIARHHEA, if you know what mean." La Schmoov's comments killed the conversation.

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November 17, 2005

Straight Outta Botswana Wins at Bards

Straight Outta Botswana edged Alan Alda is My Friend's Uncle at the Bards on Tuesday night, then prepared itself for Thursday night's showing of Survivor. The team came together after meeting at a "Gary Hogeboom Fan Club Meeting", and will be cheering for the former Cowboy QB as he tries to win Survivor Guatamala. Said team member Fritz Franklin, "I just like him because his face is narrower than his neck." Chad Chomsky had a different reason for joining the fan club. "I've just always hated Danny White."

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November 11, 2005

Damn Those Bastards!

That damn Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards again Tursday night. They would have lost, but the g***** Touched by an Uncle forgot to check for their question of the week. If you lose a match to the Sofa Kingdom b/c you forget to get your free five points, I highly encourage you to spend your weekend in misery, possibly even ramming your head into a wall repeatedly. I really do. The Kingdom, who blasted Johnny both in print ("New Deck is the only acceptable quizzo, really")and on the comments section, got good news this week. Catbird Wallace was joined in the UPenn band by Spanky Mottola, who took over on finger cymbals for the recently departed Twinkie McFadden (below). "It's gonna be tough taking over for Twinkie," said Mottola. "She was, without question, the most popular finger cymbalist this school has ever seen. But I think with a little practice, I can be every bit the cymbalist she was, maybe even better." It won't be easy for Mottola. He admittedly has second hand cymbals he bought at a yard sale, and McFadden was known to have some of the finest cymbals around.

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November 10, 2005

I Got your goodtimes right here wins thriller

In the first of two overtime matchups this week, I Got Your Goodtimes Right Here pulled off a dramatic victory at the Bards Tuesday night. They finished in a tie with Sofa Kingdom. The question: How many wins did Cy Young have? Got Your Goodtimes said 511, and Sofa Kingdom said 512. The correct answer was 511. By the way, Cy's real name was Denton True Young. He claimed that Cy was short for cyclone, since barns and fences supposedly showed tornadic damage after encountering one of his pitches. Here are some cartoons drawn by some guy in Australia named Terry Denton (click on fun). Some of them are pretty funny.

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November 4, 2005

We Will Not Legitimize David Brooks Wins, Could Care Less About Johnny's Fantasy Team

We Will Not Legitimize David Brooks took home a victory at the Bards on Thursday, fighting off a game Bros B4 Hos squad, 100-98. "Johnny, we think this is a big win," said team member Randall Worthington. "I'll be honest, after three rounds..." Priest Holmes is listed as questionable for Sunday's game against Oakland. "Johnny, come on, focus, this article is about us, not about your stupid..." I've got Clinton Portis as a back-up, but I really would hate to pull out Holmes and..."Damnit Johnny! Listen, we take two hours out of our week to play your stupid game, now the least you can do is..." Let's face it, Portis hasn't exactly lit up the scoreboard this year. "Screw you! Screw you, Goodtimes, and screw your stupid Dungeons and Dragons football game!" Was Willie Parker a flash in the pan? I could get him off waivers, but...

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November 2, 2005

Sofa Kingdom, Bobby Abreu Rewarded

The Sofa Kingdom came from behind on Tuesday night to win at the Bards, then cheered as Bobby Abreu won a Golden Glove. Let me repeat that. Bobby Abreu won a Golden Glove. In other news, Scooter Libby won an award for "Ethics in Politics", Kyle Korver is expected to be named the NBA's defensive player of the week, and Justin Guarini is expected to win a Grammy for "lifetime achievment". Said Kingdom player Catbird Wallace, "Quit knockin' Guarini, Goodtimes. I used to play triangle in a band with him when he lived in Philly."

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October 28, 2005

Zombies at the Beach Eaten By Zombies at the Bards

The Zombies at the Beach came in out of the sun long enough to win at the Bards on Thursday night, but as onlookers looked on in horror, they were consumed whole by zombies at the Bards. "I have never seen a human body ripped limb from limb," said stunned onlooker Beverly Weatherly. "It was horrifying...yet kind of cool (her spelling, not mine). Added Goodtimes, "You hate to see human beings eaten alive by vicious creatures after quizzo, especially during the holidays." Goodtimes added that special anti-zombie measures will be enacted before next year's Halloween quizzo spooktacular.

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October 27, 2005

Eddie Cicotte's Ghost swings by the Bards

Team Force 2000 received an unexpected visitor after their stirring win at the Bards on Tuesday. Former Chicago Black Sox pitcher Eddie Cicotte's ghost swung by the Bards on it's way to Houston. The ghost, which has been in a state of limbo since the disgraed Cicotte's death in 1969, was expected to be fully enveloped by the spiritual plane following the White Sox World Series win on Wednesday, which apparently exorcised the demons of that 1919 team. Except for that rascal Chick Gandil. He'll burn in hell.

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October 26, 2005

The Sofa Kingdom Almsot Does It Again

The Sofa Kingdom came within one question of pulling off another perfect score on Thursday night at the Bards. The only question they missed was, "Other than Venetian red, what two other reddish hues share the same name as cities in Italy?" They answered Magenta and Maroon. The correct answer? Magenta and Siena. If, to celebrate Sofa Kingdom's failure to record another perfect score, you would like to visit Siena, here is an excellent website that will tell you what to see. If, on the other hand, you would like to celebrate their pain by smoking deadly marijuana, I would suggest a trip to Maroon Town, Jamaica.

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October 20, 2005

Sofa Kingdom Struggles to Victory in 2nd Rate Quizzo

The Sofa Kingdom, used to the lush and lavish quizzo experience provided by the New Deck, had to settle for an overtime victory at a dilapidated and 2nd class quizzo at the Bards. J. Rosenthal had recently stated in a Daily Pennsylvanian article that New Deck quizzo was "the only acceptable quizzo, really." Teammate Catbird Wallace stood by his statements. "This quizzo doesn't even provide us with warm hand towels and complementary chocolates like the one at the New Deck does." Catbird then left in a hurry, saying that he was late for band practice, where he plays the triangle.

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October 19, 2005

It's Good to Have Land Wins; "Simple Misunderstanding" says Goodtimes

It's Good to Have Land won at the Bards on Thursday night, but the real story was that Johnny and Pedro had patched up their differences after Steve from Marketing broke up the squabble. "Yeah, things were a bit tense, so I stepped in and broke it up," said Steve (his calculator watch is shown below), who's been with the company for 17 years and has only used three sick days. Afterward, Goodtimes downplayed the incident. "Things around the office have been a bit punchy lately, what with all the layoffs. I think we were both just blowing off steam. No hard feelings." Pedro was not as conciliatory. "I'm going to wait til he's not looking, then I'm going to hit that p**** over the head with a car battery."

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October 13, 2005

Sofa Kingdom: Blinded by Bright Lights of Stardom?

The Sofa Kingdom, who had an enormous article written about them in the Daily Pennsylvanian, lost at the Bards for the second straight week, this time falling to a two man wrecking crew called Persistently Dangerous. Has this team lost it's mojo because of stardom? Will the Kingdom recapture their magic? Or is Persistently Dangerous going to become the new media darling? And finally, can Johnny's ego stand the fact that this was probably the most exhaustive article ever written about quizzo, and his name is not even mentioned once? Stay tuned.

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October 7, 2005

Rene Has Simplex 2 Wins, Did Not Steal Human Brain

Rene Has Simplex Two won at the Bards on Thursday night by a single point, then denied charges that they had stolen a human brain with the hopes of making their horse run faster. "Are you kidding me?" said Rene Nehemiah "That's ridiculous! Wha-what, that brain on the table? Huh-huh. Oh, we bought that yeeeeears ago. It's a good luck charm. The horse? Oh, well, that's Barry's beautiful Arabian. Like he would pump it full of human brain! Ha-ha. Ha-ha. That's ridiculous." Nehemiah then took off running.

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October 5, 2005

Harreit Myers Penn Club Wins, Plans Breakout

The Harriet Myers Penn Club pulled off a coup d'etat at the Bards on Tuesday, leaving the Sofa Kingdom in 3rd place. But the team plans on using it's minds for things more devious than quizzo. "We're going to bust L'il Kim out of prison," said Stanley Maplethorpe. "We've assembled the brightest minds in the city to pull this off. I figure if I can be the one that gets the credit for breaking her out, she'll probably want to abscond to Costa Rica or Topeka or somewhere with me and she'll be mine forever." Godspeed, Maplethorpe. Godspeed.

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October 1, 2005

Sofa Kingdom Unleashes Chang

Jeb Bush's imaginary friend Chang was released at the Bards on Thursday, helping the Sofa Kingdom blow past the smack talking but meek minded Good to Have Land. The GTHLers crumbled under the pressure, embarrassing not only themselves but their ancestors with a weak score of 73.

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September 29, 2005

Longstreet Lost the War Wins, Pegged by Chewbacca Fastball

Longstreet Lost the War pulled off an impressive win at the Bards on Tuesday, but team member Parsnip Cabbagepaw suffered a concussion on Wednesday when he was hit by a baseball thrown by Chewbacca at Fenway Park. Details of the incident are fuzzy at best. We'll try to keep you updated as news of the incident breaks. Nevermind. Maybe we'd be better off just leaving this one alone.

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September 23, 2005

It's good to have land wins, gets Johnny wasted

It's Good to Have Land won at the Bards on Thursday, then celebrated by getting Johnny wasted. They just kept ordering beer after beer, then came with the Jaeger (add your own umlaut). Johnny stumbled home at 3 am, then crashed on his couch. He didn't wake up until 11:15 (a whole half hour later than he usually wakes up), and the headache he felt the next morning was almost inhuman. As of press time, Johnny still felt like s***.

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September 22, 2005

Sofa Kingdom wins again

Yeah, the Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards again on Tuesday. Yada, yada, yada, they win every week. Listen, we gotta do something about Goodtimes. He's been real high on himself since getting a bunch of press lately, and between you, and me, he's become downright unbearable. "Oh, look at meeeeeeeee," he says. "Up on phillyist.com again. And look, there's me in Blinq." Earlier today, I saw him at a coffee shop, almost screaming, "Hmmmm, I wonder what's in today's City Paper? Oh my," he said loud enough for all to hear, but pretending like he was talking to himself. "This article on quoits looks faaaaaascinating. This is some amaaaaaaaazing writing." Any ideas on how we get Goodtimes to shut up?

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September 16, 2005

Sofa Kingdom Wins

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Thursday, (surprise, surprise) but the real story was Johnny's marketing genius. "Yeah, Tuesday and Wednesday were kind of slow this week. I know September is always slow, but I wanted to end the week with a bang." So Johnny busted out the short-shorts, and both bars were filled to capacity on Thursday. "I've got really nice knees," explained the pulchritudinous webmaster (who owns a thesaurus). "I'd like to think that people are using me for my mind, but I can live with being a sex symbol too."

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September 14, 2005

Beautiful Arabian Response Disaster Seen (B.A.R.D.S.)

The Sofa Kingdom ruled supreme on Tuesday, holding off FEMA 4-EVA at the Bards, 107-102. The team then lashed into Goodtimes after the contest, since Johnny's criticism obviously had something to do with the Mike Brown's early retirement. "What's going to happen if there is ever a large scale disaster involving beautiful Arabian horses?" asked team member Koob Freshly. "Huh? What then? Do you think the acting director of FEMA knows anything about these beautiful, gentle creatures? It's sad day for the beautiful Arabian."
Related: Mike B. Saves Beautiful Arabian

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September 9, 2005

The Kingdom Reigns Supreme

The Sofa Kingdom was able to pull off a come from behind victory at the Bards on Thursday night, then laughed when they found out that Johnny was posting their story at eight p.m. on a Friday night. "Wow, we thought we were goobers when we received the first ever perfect score in JGT history a couple of weeks ago," said Chuck "Hardhat" Stanley. "But at least we're not blog posting at 8 p.m. on a Friday night. That is soooooo lame!" Johnny announced that he will be spending the rest of his friday night on Sean Hannity's message board, then crying himself to sleep.

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Johnny's Competence Called Into Question

Johnny's competence was called into question after it was realized that the story he did on Stupid Sexy Flanders knocking off the Sofa Kingdom last Thursday (Sept. 1) never made it on the website. "I only just now realized that it didn't show up. I remember writing the damn thing. It was a great story. The Kingdom had won four straight quizzoes all over the city and were looking for a week long sweep. Stupid Sexy Flanders stopped the juggernaut at the Bards. I honestly don't know what happened." Some of Johnny's critics are taking full advantage of the situation. "This is so typical," said longtime Goodtimes critic Bobby Badtimes. "What made this administration think that just because he had trained dolphins, Johnny was competent enough to run a quizzo website? I want answers."

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September 8, 2005

Hero at the Bards

While Right in the A's come from behind win at the Bards on Tuesday was impressive, it was not as impressive as what happened shortly after the contest, when a beautiful Arabian horse that was at the bar started to get excitable. "We thought there was gonna be an ugly scene, for sure," said Buck Chillout of the A's. But then a man known only as "Mike B." came in, and while others were sensing a stampede, "Mike B." calmed the beautiful Arabian. "Wow," said a bystander named George, "That guy certainly knows how to handle beautiful Arabian horses. Therefore he should probably be given an extremely high level government job with millions of American lives in his hands if ever there's a disaster."

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September 2, 2005

PERFECTION!!!!!

The Missing Heads missed it by a letter. The Jams got shot down by Columbian guerrillas. The Omelette missed it by a Jimmy Stewart movie. The Sofa Kingdom, fresh off a victory at Beat the Champs, had their memorable week continue with the first ever perfect score in Johnny Goodtimes quizzo history. But the perfect score didn't come without a price: the team had to be held up to public ridicule after a perfect Corey Feldman/Corey Haim round. "Do we wish we had gotten the perfect score without showing that we have a vast wealth of Corey Haim related knowledge?" asked team member Corey Feldhaim. "Of course. By the way, do you have any idea where I can get my hands on a copy of Demolition High?"

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August 30, 2005

Sofa Kingdom Wins, Excited for Bolden

It has been a banner week for the Sofa Kingdom, who won at the Bards on Thursday before pulling off a big victory at the World Cafe Live on Sunday. But the real excitement came when Hendrikje van Andel-Schipper (below) died Tuesday, opening the door for their good friend Elizabeth Bolden to become the oldest person in the world. "Sweet!" said team member Scoob Henderson. "Liz has wanted this for so long, but that b**** in the Netherlands was denying Liz her moment in the sun with all of her breathing and functioning organs. To be honest, I thought we might have to take her out ourselves. I'm glad that we didn't have to resort to violence to get our friend in the record books." Henderson added that he has nothing against the Dutch, he just didn't like Andel-Schipper's attitude.
Related: World's Oldest Man Plays Quizzo

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My Dad Has An Amazing Body Pulls Amazing Upset

Question: What's the only quizzo team to knock off the Sofa Kingdom in the past two weeks? Answer: My Dad Has An Amazing Body, who defeated the Kingdom in overtime on Tuesday. The winning question: When did the Phillies organization begin? The Kingdom guessed 1897, the Bodies guessed 1893. The correct answer was 1883. The Bodies didn't fare as well at BTC, finishing 20th.

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August 19, 2005

Sofa Kingdom Excited About New Aquisition

Sofa Kingdom displayed a new quizzo strategy this week, and it will be interesting to see if people catch on. It's called the "Take a Big Lead Early, Falter Down the Stretch, And Hold on For a Narrow Win " Strategy, and it seems to be working, as they won at the Bards again on Thursday. The team also revealed after the match how excited they are about the LA Kings new acquisition, Yutaka Fukufuji.

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August 17, 2005

Sofa Kingdom takes early lead in Beat the Champs

Sofa Kingdom turned in their points for the Beat the Champs competition last night, then proceeded to hold off the competition at Bards. The Kingdom, who finished second at Quizzo Bowl, faltered in the final round, but had amassed such a large lead by then that Hardcastle and McCormick was unable to pull off a miracle comeback. Some prognosticators have the Kingdom favored to beat the Champs, though the Champs think that such talk is blasphemous. "Hell, Johnny, give 'em ten more points," said Smooth Rob S., "It's not gonna make a difference. Since our loss at the Vous last week, we have been spending 20-23 hours a day at the library. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is taking our title."

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August 14, 2005

Stupid Sexy Flanders and the Axis of Eiffel

Stupid Sexy Flanders won in what was unquestionably the most pathetic overtime performance of all time. When asked how tall the Eiffel Tower was, they guessed 300 feet. Miraculously, the other team made an even worse guess, thinking it was over 1700 feet. The correct answer was 984 ft. Stupid Sexy Flanders (who told me recently that there were almost 15,000 spectators at Live 8) said that they didn't think that those stupid French could build something that big. They then reported that "Freedom Fries taste even better when they're smothered in victory."

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August 11, 2005

By the Power of Grayskull Disappointed by Lack of Power

By the Power of Grayskull pulled off a blowout victory at the Bards on Tuesday night, and were excited about their prize for winning: an all-expenses paid vacation to Grayskull! But the vacation didn't go as planned. "First of all," said Parsnip Cabbagepaw, "The power went out like an hour after we got there. Apparently, when He-Man summons all of that power into his sword, it blows the circuit breakers in the basement. Secondly, I was hoping that this was a sex tourism trip, and that She-Ra was involved. No such luck. We didn't even get a chance to meet her. And don't even get me started on the bathrooms at Grayskull (below)."

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August 5, 2005

I Slept With Your Mother Wins, and so can you

I Slept with your Mother finished off Tasteless Thursday (the winner at the Dog was "Don't Kick the Baby in the Groin") with a win at the Bards, edging out Longstreet Lost the War and the Defective Sidewalk. The team then dedicated the win to Tag Ridings, their favorite golf player. "We've loved Tag ever since he was a porn star," said Willoughby Grizzard of the Mothers. "And now that he's a golf pro, we love him even more." WHoever comes up with the best title for a golf themed porn movie (starring Tag Ridings) wins a $15 dollar gift certificate to the Good Dog. Just enter your suggestions in the comments thing below.

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My Dad Has An Amazing Body Wins, Embarrasses Father

My Father Has An Amazing Body won at the Bards on Tuesday night in a squeaker, then asked Johnny to post a photo of one of their father's amazing bodies. Johnny was hesitant at first, but finally relented, after assurances that said father would not beat him senseless. The team edged Sorry About Your Car, 90-89.

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July 29, 2005

Stupid Sexy Flanders Overshadowed by Fillmore

Stupid Sexy Flanders crushed the opposition at the Bards on Thursday night, but the win was buried in the papers after the announcement that former U.S. President Millard Fillmore was releasing his own special brand of Beef Jerky. This announcement comes almost nine months after former prez John Q. Adams threw his support behind Colt .45 Malt Liquor. Fillmore, who helped make the Whig party what it is today, says that his jerky "is a touch spicy, but not too much so." And while our thirteenth president may have helped puch the Compromise of 1850 through the Senate, he says that "Tastebuds won't be compromised when they enjoy our jerky's smoked taste."

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July 27, 2005

Johnny says April Fools Wins, Celebrates Chertoff's Promotion

Johnny Says April Fools held off Ronald Reagan Ate My Baby in a shootout at the Bards on Tuesday night, 108-103. The team then celebrated the fact that Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff had moved up in the "Be the Next President" rankings. Said team member Stanley Slackspence, "Yep, if Bush, Cheney, Hastert, Stevens, Rice Snow, Rumsfeld (God forbid), and Gonzales all die, our boy Chertoff moves right into the old Oval Office. I can't remember a jump this big in the rankings since Notre Dame's basketball team ended UCLA's 88 game winning streak in 1971 and moved up twelve spots." The team added that the move came as a big relief, because "Otherwise Gale A. Norton would be president if some sort of freak flu bug hit the White House and killed the first seven people in succesion. And she would SUCK as President."

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July 22, 2005

Yeah, they scored 100. Now Buzz Off

Johnny Goodtimes will have to get rid of the glorious head of hair that has earned him millions over the years, as It's Not the Heat, It's the Humidity crossed the 100 point mark and earned a narrow win over Stupid Sexy Flanders. Johnny has not decided exactly how he wants it shaved, but he's thinking about doing something in this style:

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July 21, 2005

Longstreet Lost The War, but wins at Quizzo

Longstreet Lost the War was the winning team at Quizzo at the Bards on Tuesday night. But the team name could land them in financial trouble, as Longstreet's lawyer has threatened a lawsuit for libel. "My client is 182 years old, and doesn't need to be reminded of mistakes he made in 1863," said attorney Snake Sneakswell. "He has moved past that, and just wants to live out the rest of his days quietly, eating tack and smoked fish and complaining about that confounded rap music."

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July 17, 2005

1993 Smith College JV Field Hockey team nets win

The 1993 Smith College JV Field Hockey team ran away with one on Thursday at the Bards, defeating the second place team by 16 points. Though there is surprisingly little information on the 1993 JV field hockey team online, we do know this about the varsity team: Led by coach Judy Strong, they received an invitation to the NCAA Division III National Championship in 1993. We do not know whether or not they accepted that invitation, despite 30-40 seconds of exhaustive research. If you are interested in catching the Pioneers team in action, here's the upcoming season's schedule.

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July 13, 2005

Four Letter Word? Word.

I've got a Four Letter Word For You scored 50 points in the final round to edge past the Short Bus at the Bards on Tuesday night. When asked what the four letter word was, the team was forced to decline. "Sorry, Johnny" said Twinkie McSweeney, "But we can't reveal the four letter word. It's highly sensitive, a delicate matter of national security." Our buddy Karl Rove tells us it's FUNK, and that the Iranians will know what it means.

*Here's a recent interview with Joe Wilson, the husband of Valerie Plume.

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July 8, 2005

Stupid Sexy Flanders Wins, Ticked Off

"Yeah, I'm ticked," said Scooter McFadden after Stupid Sexy Flanders knocked off the rest of the field at the Bards on Thursday. "Can you believe that Hall and Oates is cancelling their tour because Darryl got Lyme's disease? It's a little tick, Darryl, not a maneater. Stop acting like such a rich girl. You're out of touch with your fans, Darryl, and I can't go for that."

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UMass Debate Team Comes From Behind to Win

A week after a scorching 112, Pepperoni came back down to earth on Tuesday and finished third, as young upstarts the UMass Debate Team took the gold. But there is no debating this in Massachusettes: people should be allowed to get drunk. Man, Yahoo News is totally hooking me up with good stories today.

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July 1, 2005

Flanders Wins, Reveals Long Held Secret

Stupid Sexy Flanders slipped past two teams to take a one point victory at a packed Bards on Thursday night. But it was what was said after the match that has shocked the world. Darren Quagmire (second from right) claimed to reveal a decades old secret: that the Carly Simon song "You're So Vain" was about him. "Yeah, Carly always had a thing for me. But at the time, I was dating Crystal Gayle. So Carly gets all pissed and writes that stupid song, just to get back at me." Of course, after Carly revealed that three of the letters in the persons name were e, a, and r, most people assumed that the person in question was Marv Albert.

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June 30, 2005

Pepperoni Finds No Malternative

Pepperoni had a perfect score going in to round four, but a failure to recognize the producers of one of their favorite drinks prevented them from finishing with the highest score ever. "We've been coming to the Bards and enjoying the refreshing taste of Zima for years," said Francis Fishbone of the victorious team. "Nothing like relaxing with a kool crisp Zima straight from the tap after a hard day at the office. The real problem was, I never associated it with some monolithic beer company. I always thought of it as simply a nectar of the Gods." 'Roni still won with an impressive 112.

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June 24, 2005

Sexually Attracted to Fire wins at Bards

Sexually Attracted to Fire pulled off a narrow win over Stupid Sexy Flanders at the Bards on Thursday, then dedicated their win to the state of New Jersey, which was founded (as a colony) on June 24th, 1664. "We're really excited about this monumental anniversary, and hope that people take a second to realize how wonderful New Jersey really is," said team member Trenton Wildwood. Johnny Goodtimes was caught up in the celebration himself, and has even offered this link which will teach you more about all the great things and wonderful people found in New Jersey!

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June 22, 2005

CBA in 2005 wins at Bards, Unhappy With Ruling

CBA in 2005 was able to pull off a fairly sizable win at the Bards, despite having a hard time hearing the questions because those obnoxious chicks up front would not stop screaming. (They were hot, though, so Johnny has decided to forgive them.)

CBA in 2005 ran into some trouble with the JGT Ethics Committee shortly after the contest. The JGTEC had recently outlawed cabbage during quizzo events, and couldn't help but notice a large head of it on the bar after the contest. "When the Korean Baseball Association decided to outlaw cabbage, we decided to follow suit," said Ethics Committee Chairman Teddy Roosevelt, Jr. "We consider this to be a sensitive moral issue, because we consider cabbage to be a 'foreign object', much like brass knuckles or even numbchucks."

CBA (which stands for Cabbage Ban Absurd) strongly disagrees. "Outlawing cabbage at an Irish bar is like outlawing Hummer-driving Jersey Trash in Old City," said CBA member Parsnip Catalogue. "It's counterintuitive and downright disingenuous." Later reports indicated that Catalogue has a Word-a-Day calendar at home.

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June 17, 2005

Stupid Sexy Flanders Wins, Cruise Engaged

Oh...My...Gosh! Are you kidding me? Tom and Katie are going to tie the knot! This is sooooooo exciting. We've needed something like this to turn our frowns upside down after the Brad and Jennifer break-up.

"Uh, hey Johnny. What about our win at the Bards?"

A lot of people were like "publicity stunt", but I was like, "no way". Tom takes love too seriously. He knows it's not a game!

"Hey, that's great, Johnny, but we were the top team in a packed house. Doesn't that..."

I knew Penelope wasn't right for him. I mean, she's soooo pretty, but there just wasn't a spark, you know? You can tell.

"Damnit, Johnny, give us our due! This is our time to shine, not Tom Cruise's!"

My ideal wedding for them: In my backyard, just a quiet affair, just a few friends and family, including myself. Tom comes over and thanks me for letting them use my backyard, and says, "We couldn't have done this without you." Then, just when you thought things couldn't get any better, the door opens, and there is Anthony Edwards (starring as Goose)! It turns out he didn't die when the plane went down! He was in hiding with 2Pac in a secret underwater colony run by the government! That would be the best wedding ever!

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June 15, 2005

Sexually Attracted to Fire Dances With Stars

In addition to winning the $40 gift certificate at the Bards on Tuesday night, Sexually Attracted to Fire also got to "Dance With the Stars". Well, at least one of the stars. "Yeah, dancing with Evander Holyfield was kool, I guess," said team member Liam Gleason. "But he was a little clumsy, and I don't think either one of us did such a good job leading. Let's be honest. We would have much rather danced with Joey McIntyre (below). He's the bomb."

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June 10, 2005

Earth Reverses Axis, Losers are winners!

The earth spun backwards on its axis for two hours on Thursday night, confusing scientists and allowing the Losers to pull off one of the biggest shockers in quizzo history, knocking off the Hulkamaniacs by one and Stupid Sexy Flanders by two. Although there has been no empirical proof of the earth actually having done so, scientists claim that the odds of the team with the lowest score in quizzo history (be sure to click on the pic in the old story, pretty funny) pulling off a victory are so astronoical that the "Reverse axis" theory is the only viable one they can come up with.

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June 9, 2005

Satan Gets Behind Get Behind Me Satan

Satan was on hand to help Get Behind Me Satan pull off a narrow defeat of the Defective Sidewalk, 105-101, at the Bards on Tuesday. The team, which sold it's collective souls to the Lord of the Hoary, Hoary Netherworld in return for the victory, was relieved when Satan knew almost all of the questions about New Jersey. "Of course I know the answers to the New Jersey questions," said Beezlebub, the Prince of Darkenss. "Who do you think created the place?"

Footnote: If you are a Satanist, but don't know how to tell your parents, please click here.

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June 3, 2005

Punk From Spelling Bee Ruins Everybody's Fun

Feuckumann pulled off a remarkable comeback in a thrilling match at the Bards on Tursday night, edging the Hulkamaniacs, 104-102. But the celebration was ruined when spelling bee champ Anurag Kashyup came sauntering in with his trophy like he owned the place. "Hey, what'd you guys get for winning?" asked Kashyrap, smugly. "Oh, forty bucks, huh? That's kool. Yeah, I just got $22,000 for winning the spelling bee. Hey, can somebody hold this trophy for me? It's sooooo big it makes my arms tired." The thirteen year old from California then told the bartender, "Put your collar down and pour me a cold one."

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Defective Sidewallk wins, locked in Jim Thorpe Dungeon

A blowout win turned into a horrible nightmare when the Defective Sidewalk was arrested for organizing a union for Irish mine workers and forced into solitary confinement in a prison in Jim Thorpe, PA after emerging victorious at the Bards on Tuesday. "Aw, the prison's not as bad as it looks," read a note Smooth Dan P. was able to slip out when the attendants took back his food tray. "Profound darkness, raunchy water, the constant smell of sewage. It reminds me a lot of Philly. Well, except that the prison's baseball team has a couple of decent middle relievers."

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May 27, 2005

Stupid Sexy Flanders Wins

The Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee held an emergency meeting in the early hours of Friday morning after hearing reports that the victorious team at the Bards on Thurday night, Stupid Sexy Flanders, had celebrated their win by going out claipping. Though the Johnny Goodtimes Official Rulebook does not specifically outlaw claipping, Johnny has in the past asked participants to not celebrate victories by shooting guns in the air or turning over cop cars and setting them on fire. (Johnny has given the OK to celebrate wins by turning over Hummers with Jersey license plates and setting them on fire, however.) The Ethics Committee does not like being roused by these reports, and punishment is expected to be draconian.

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May 25, 2005

F'ers edge Sidewalk, Sign New Endorsement Deal

The F'ers were able to squeeze past the Defective Sidewalk at the Bards on Tuesday night, then announced that they had been signed to an endorsement deal with Big Fizz Root Beer. "We're really excited to be working with Big Fizz," said team member Frankie Fuqua (pronounced Fuke-wa, you dirtbags). "Yeah, Hires and A & W might use higher quality ingredients, but I don't see either of them offering their root beer in the 3 liter size." Added Big Fizz spokesman Jasper Weinberger, "Big Fizz uses only fresh roots. The roots of which plants? Well, that's our secret. Also, we're the only root beer that comes in the 3 liter size." The F'ers are the second Bards team to sign an endorsement deal this year.

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May 20, 2005

Holy Schnitzel! You never sausage a thing!

The Plum Street Hot Dogs fell behind early, but they worked their buns off to ketchup, and in the end, they mustard a big win over their foes. To be frank, the weather was a bit chili, and the quizmaster refused to quit grilling the participants, but the Plum St. Hot Dogs emerged as the wieners, and this is a win they can relish forever.

Posted at 3:35 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

Miracle at the Bards

No, the miracle was not the victory by the F'ers, despite the fact they did it in such convincing fashion. No, the reason there are thousands of people at the Bards right now (What are you doing reading this? You should be at the Bards!) is that there appears to be an image of Zeus in the mirror at the back of the room. While employees of the Bards claim that it is only a "stain", many disagree. "Finally, proof that Zeus does exist!" said onlooker Hermitus Postulus. "All my friends thought I was some sort of weirdo, always talking about the 'King of the Gods'. I mean, I stopped believing in Apollo when I was a kid, but I never stopped believing in Zeus! Nonbelievers are going to have to accept his presence now, now that he's a stain on a mirror at the Bards!"

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May 11, 2005

Pizza Puntang Santa Claus Wins at Bards, Mr. Potato Head Evil?

Pizza Puntang Santa Claus became the second straight team with Puntang in the title to win at Bards, as they came back to defeat The Curse of the Goats (i.e. Western Omelette), 97-93. Meanwhile, the funniest answers in quizzo all week have come in response to the question, "The 'Butcher of Lyon' shares the same name as a popular toy. What is it?" The answer was Klaus Barbie, but I got answers including Heinrich von Slinky, Slap Bracelet, Pet Rock, and Mr. Potato Head. Well, the laughter subsided on Wednesday morning, when Johnny got a package from the FBI marked CONFIDENTIAL and found the following photo inside. Apparently, before becoming a lovable children's plaything, Mr. Potato Head was a sinister leader of the Nazi party, known as the "Spud of Berlin".

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May 8, 2005

Cinco De Mayo Shocker!!!

In what was unquestionably one of the biggest upsets in Quizzo history, Dale L. Guapo and his team of Black Sheep Puntang held off the rest of the field in one of the strangest matches ever. As Guapo continually screamed from the bar and teammate Johnny Fever staggered out the door midway through the contest, the rest of the field seemed unnerved. They could only watch helplessly as Dale, who used to be a cliff diver from Acupolco, and his team of pranksters took a shocking gold. "Es un grande victoria! El mas grande victoria desde la cinco de mayo, 1862," screamed Dale, who then dove off his bar stool and needed to be taken to the hospital with a bruised sombrero.

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May 6, 2005

Defective Sidewalk in a blowout

"We're all big Johnny Wadd fans," said Smooth Dan P. of triumphant Defective Sidewalk. "I remember seeing The Danish Connection in the theatre, and saying to myself, 'Wow, that is one heck of a set piece, if you know what I mean.'" Added Chad Chips, "I thought Tell Them Johnny Wadd's Here was the first film that had a plot even bigger than Wadd's prodigious member. Actually, I don't really believe that, but I just love saying, 'prodigious member'."

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April 29, 2005

Are the Hulkamaniacs Pencil Necked Geeks?

The Hulkamaniacs made it onto Piper's Pit on Thursday shortly after winning a close match at the Bards. Their goal was to discount accusations made by "Classy" Freddie Blassie (below) that they were not Hulkamaniacs at all, but simply a collection of "pencil necked geeks". "I prefer pencil necked dorks," replied Thad Lancelot of the Hulkamaniacs. "It doesn't sound quite as negative." At which point Piper hit him over the head with a coconut.

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April 27, 2005

Justice Delayed Wins at bards

Justice Delayed pulled off an exciting come from behind victory at the Bards on Tuesday to knock off the Canadian Stripper Shortage, but their joy was short lived. The team, none of whom are big Tom Delay fans, could only look on helpessly as Delay was able to bounce back from being struck by a comet last week. His band, the Hammers, saw their new album "Flying For Free" shoot straight to the top of the charts. Their first single, "You Can't Go Wrong With The Christian Right", is currently a Number 1 smash hit. Delay, who only suffered minor injuries after being hit by that comet, expects to join the band on a tour of the Deep South next month.

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April 22, 2005

Hulkamaniacs Run Wild

The Hulkamaniacs apparently said their prayers and took their vitamins, and they needed both to withstand a late charge from Yankees Suck. After the victory, the Hulkster ripped off his shirt and performed a deadly atomic leg drop on Johnny. The ass kicking was especially humiliating for Goodtimes, who had been trying to impress the smoking hot babes that were there (below). "Yeah, it's hard to impress the foxes when a three hundred pound man drops his leg flush across the front of your face as you lie prone on the ground. It also doesn't help when you refer to them as 'foxes'."

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April 20, 2005

F'ers Win, Devastasted by Bad News

The F'ers used a perfect final round to come from behind and defeat the Omelette at the Bards on Tuesday night, 108-97. Their elation was short lived, however, as soon after the contest they learned that their hero Tom Delay had been struck by a meteor, and was in serious condition in a nearby hospital. "The timing was all wrong" said Whippy Carmichael of the F'ers. "We were going to help him overthrow the Supreme Court, and then help him beat this bogus ethics charge, perpetuated by the left wing syndicate and, as Tom once called them, the Communist News Network (CNN). And then he had to go and get hit by that damn meteor."

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April 18, 2005

Yankees Suck

The Yankees Suck got a surprising ally this week, as George Steinbrenner agreed with them. Of course, the Yankees Suck were not making allies with the JGT Ethics Committee. In what was seen as a direct affront to the missive the Committee sent out earlier in the week concerning collars, the Yankees Suck waited until the game was over before flipping up their collars. The Committee was not amused. "I've got chunks of guys like them in my stool," said Committee member Fritz Harddrive. In an unrelated story, Dead F****** Last finished dead F****** last (below).

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April 17, 2005

Western Omelette Sizzles, not guilty of graffiti work

The Western Omelette was able to pull off an impressive win at the Bards on Tuesday night, despite White Wilt being hounded by the press over charges that he had graffitied former President Andy Johnson's house with notes such as, "Andy you'd best skedaddle". "First of all, I was only 12 when the Civil War ended," answered Wilt to the charges. "Second of all, I would never perform such a hateful act against a fellow Republican. And finally, I would never use a word as vulgar as 'skedaddle'."

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April 11, 2005

RIP Mitch Hedberg Wins, My Cat Is Adorable

RIP Mitch Hedberg edged past the Stupid Sexy Flanders at the Bards on Thursday night. That's my cat Malia right below them. Isn't she so adorable? Sometimes she climbs up the bars on the window in the den. It's so..."Hey Johnny, what about our big win? Aren't you going to talk more about that?"...Why, right now, she's curled up in a little ball on my lap. Sooooo cute..."I mean, come on, 105 points, for goodness sakes, you could at least mention"...But she can be a real troublemaker. We used to have a real problem with her going through the trash. But I was able..."Damnit, Goodtimes, nobody gives a damn about your stupid cat! This was supposed to be a story glorifying us for our"...Did you just call my cat stupid?..."Sorry Johnny, I just"...Did you just call my cat stupid?..."Listen Johnny, it was a simple mistake. Hey, what are you doing with that? No, listen it was an...arrrrrrrgh!"

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April 9, 2005

Goats sign multi year deal

The Goats, after a convincing win at the Bards on Tuesday night, announced that they had signed on with a new sponsor, Andy's Coin Operated Laundry at 22nd and South. Though exact financial figures were not disclosed, the deal was believed to be somewhere in the 5 year, $40 million range. "We're real excited to be working with a first class organization like Andy's Laundromat," said Rob "The Throb" Mientkowitz. "It's a great place to wash clothes and watch Judge Judy." Sodas at Andy's are only fifty cents.

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April 1, 2005

yankees Suck aided by robot

The Yankees Suck was able to win at the Bards on Thursday night for the second straight week, with some help from the Expos Robot. "Yeah, it was nice having a robot on the team, and he seemed like a real kool one," said Brett "The Barber" Beefcake. "But when he asked us how we thought the Expos were going to do this year, well, we just all got quiet and looked away. I don't think he knows about the Nationals."

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Defective Sidewalk wins at Bards

The Defective Sidewalk knocked off the Goats in a double overtime thriller at the Bards on Tuesday, then used their fame to advance a public cause they believe very strongly in. "There are defective sidewalks throughout the Des Moines city limits, and their website apparently gets more hits than Johnny's, according to google. So this is obviously an urgent problem. Please send money, spackle, concrete, whatever you can to help solve this ongoing threat. Thank you."

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March 27, 2005

Skates and Rays are the Same Thing wins at Bards

First of all, no they're not. Secondly, why concentrate on a victory by a group of, let's face it, rather unattractive men (okay, and one hot chick), when we can instead focus on the hot chicks who finished last? Team Hocker was overjoyed by their prize: a hot Backstreet Boys poster. "Let's put it this way," said Shannon Grataz, "I won't be falling asleep at a Backstreet Boys concert, no matter how jet lagged I am. A.J. is so dreamy!" She went on to say that she wouldn't make out with Goodtimes, even if he was in the band.

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Defective Sidewalk Wins, Falls Asleep at Concert

The prize for winning quizzo on Tuesday at the Bards was a dream vacation to Las Vegas, where the winning team would get to see Celine Dion perform! The Defective Sidewalk, Dion fans all, were overjoyed at their win, and excited about their trip. "Yeah, we were psyced to finally see her live," said Natalie Bilgepump. "But when we got to Vegas, I don't know, I guess we were jet lagged or drunk or something, because we all fell fast asleep at Celine's show." Added Chuck "Charles" Crabtree, "It wasn't that embarrasing. I mean, everybody around us was asleep, too. I'm sure they all had jet lag, too. They certainly weren't sleeping because Celine Dion is a talentless, worthless piece of dogs---." Crabtree added that he was glad that Dion has never been hit by a bus.

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March 19, 2005

F'ers Take Advantage of Omelette Choke

The only real drama heading into Rund Four was whether or not the Western Omelette was going to be able to pull off a perfect score. They had a 64 and no-one was really even close. But in the most dramatic choke since the infamous WTF Hindenberg disaster at the Black Sheep in 2004, they allowed the F'ers to come from 11 down in the final round to take the victory, to the delight of the partisan crowd. Then, when googling choke, Johnny came across the most disturbing non-porn website he has ever encountered, as two very strange looking men wrestle each other in somebody's den while wearing speedos. WARNING: Viewing this website will plant images in your mind you'll wish were never there.

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March 13, 2005

western omelette wins, takes up for rich

The Western Omelette was hopping mad at the conclusion of Thursday nights contest, despite an impressive win. "Listen, Richard was never specifically told that he had to pay taxes on his earnings from Survivor," said Parsa Sugarronme. "I mean, I don't have to pay taxes on my winnings from quizzo. I don't, do I? Oh s***, are you serious?"

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Defective Sidewalk

The Defective Sidewalk struggled in Round One at the Bards, scoring only seven points, but ran the tables after that, finishing with an incredible 115. "Yeah, we shoulda gotten that Thad Matta question right in round one," said Pat Sesquicentennial. "He's got the second best coaching name in college basketball. The best, of course, is Butler's Todd Lickliter. Just try to say 'lickliter' without smiling. It's not possible."

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March 7, 2005

Yankees Suck Win at Bards

The Yankees Suck were able to pull off a victory at the Bards on Thursday night. Rumors of White Wilt returning to the sport were still not finalized as of press time. While he was in attendance for a portion of the contest on Thursday, it seemed that he was concentrating more on darts, and therefore will not lose eligibility for entering the Hall in early 2010, unless he decides to make a full fledged comback. Meanwhile, did you guys see how big that daggone snowball was those kids at St. Joe's Prep made (see Doc Watson's story)? The world record, by the way, was set a few weeks ago at Syracuse. It was 7'6".

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Little Lebowski Urban Achievers...Finally!

After months of heartache and despair, the LL Urban Achievers were finally able to get over the hump (below) at the Bards on Tuesday. "The double entendre represented in that photo had been messing with our heads for too long," said team member Romeo Moonsong. "It was time to let that image go, and get over the hump, so to speak."

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March 6, 2005

Bards on Thursday Pics

Tony! Toni! Tone! would have been proud of the dance moves on exhibit at the Bards on Thursday by the guy without his shirt on. Worry not, boys! Your legacy lives on!

Do Me and Leave Me Bacon

Your Mom Goes to College

7 Inches Soft

I Shot 50 Cent for a Quarter

Trade Freddie

Halebot

Academic Probation

Fresh Outta Pope Jokes

My Name is Johnny and My Pee Feels Like Fire

I Want My Two Dollars

Be Loaded Soon

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March 2, 2005

Pics from Bards

Here's pics from the Bards last night. The highlight, well, I mean I think the pic above says it all.

Faith Based Initiative

Defective Sidewalk

El Gato Muerto Con Queso

The Goats

www.im35andunemployedsoihostquizzo.com

F'ers

The Angry Shrimps (last place finish!)

The Western Omelette

Bavarian Caviar

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February 27, 2005

if we win, next round is on us

If We Win, Next Round is On Us was able to pull off a close victory at the Bards on thursday night. "Things were tight for a while," said Amber Brockowski, "But then Coach John sent in the goons, and I knew everything was going to be alright."

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goats win, ron runs for pope

The Goats won at the Bards on Tuesday night, edging the Defective Sidewalk, 90-88. But the real news came after the contest, when Ronald "Seymore" Butts announced that he was in the running for Pope. When asked what his qualifications were, Ron answered, "I don't know. I mean, I'm pretty kool, I'm a pretty nice guy, I'm Italian. I'd be a good Pope. Why the hell not?"

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February 20, 2005

Homo Erectus and the Teen Angels Win at Bards

Set free by the Teen Angels (left) from a prehistoric glacier of ice comes the world's first super team, Homo Erectus, starring Captain Caveman,was able to blow out the competition, 107-82, coming very close to having the highest score ever (they missed the weekly double by one decade.) Sadly, Captain Caveman was unable to adapt to modern ways, and could not refrain from bashing a member of the third place Kilted Potato Ranchers over the head with a club, and thus has been arraigned on second degree felony assault charges.

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February 18, 2005

Dude, Where's my Dildo wins at Bards

Dude Where's my Dildo was able to pull off an upset at the Bards on Tuesday night, edging Western Omelette and the F'ers, 94-90-90. In other news, Salvador Dali will have an exhibit at the Philly Art Museum, where you can even see the Persistence of Memory (below). (For more ridiculous dildo artwork, click here.)

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February 14, 2005

Homecoming Queens Crowned!

The Homecoming Queens came from behind at the Bards to edge out We All Have Nipples, 83-78. The queens then traded in their gift certificate for this brand new homecoming dress, which interestingly enough is being modeled by a 35 year old whore and is "see through when back lit". What? Oh, it's a website for naughty outfits, not actual homecoming wear. Also, guy at the end of the bar (below) kept things interesting with a running commentary throughout the evening.
Johnny: Round two will be capitals. Guy: W!
Johnny: Please be sure to take good care of your bartender.
Guy: Hey, bartender, do you need a ride home?

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February 10, 2005

Bards Story Ruined by FBI

Johnny, who had planned to write this week's Bards story about how hot the chicks are on the victorious Western Omelette, was dealt a severe blow when he was informed by the FBI that the women in question are in the witness protection program, and the usage of their faces was not only dangerous, it was illegal. Therefore Goodtimes had to pixelate their faces. "This blows," said Goodtimes during a televised press conference held in his basement. "I thought if I talked about how hot they were, at least one of them would make out with me. That damn witness relocation program ain't nothin' but a bunch of haters."

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February 4, 2005

Because I Said So Wins at Bards

Because I Said So took home a victory on Thursday night at the Bards, despite heavy opposition from former team member Chuck Bednarik, who was openly rooting against them. "I don't know why Chuck hates us so much," said team member Gabe Spagnola. Bednarik, who had saved I Said So's last championship in 1960 by tackling Goat member Chet Bumstead in the open field, is simply bitter in the changes in the game. "Back when I played we quizzed for sixteen straight hours, out in the baking sun, and the gift certificates were worth 35 cents, and if you lost Johnny gave you a swift kick to the face, and the wild card round was always Obscure Portuguese Poets, and if your pen ran out you had to write answers in you own blood."

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Defective Sidewalk Wins, Johnny uses old photo

The Defective Sidewalk was able to knock off the competition at the Bards on Tuesday night, edging the Omelette by three points, but Johnny forgot to take their photo. "Pathetic," said Ralph "Stonewall" Rodriguez of the Sidewalk. "Several of the people in that photo didn't even play this week! They don't deserve the glory that accompanies a big win! At least pixelate their faces, Goodtimes! Or make mine appear larger! Add Johnny to a short list of people I want to get hit by a bus!"

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February 1, 2005

Western Omelette Wins again

The Western Omelette won at the Bards on Tuesday night, but their thoughts were elsewhere by the time this story went up. "Johnny," explained White Wilt, "We're real concerned about Hillary. I don't know if you heard this, but after fainting yesterday, she really seemd to lose it when she came to, and by last night, she was making out with Elton John. If we win again tonight, all of our proceeds will go toward ensuring a full recovery for our favorite former first lady. Well, at least since Lady Bird."

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January 22, 2005

Goats Win, Lament Loss of 'Real' Ice Cube

The Goats were able to pull off a victory at the Bards on Tuesday night, but weren't all smiles afterwards. "This whole 'Ice Cube in a family movie' thing is really bothering me," said team member Donald "Seymore" Butts. "I mean, Ice Cube was the one guy I thought would always keep it real. Whatever happened to the guy that penned the following lyrics:
Here's a murda rap to keep ya'll dancin'
With a crime record like Charles Manson
AK-47 is the tool
Now don't make me act the m***** f****' fool
"Yeah," added Chet Bumstead, "Amerikkka's Most Wanted my ass. He doesn't even have jerry curls anymore."

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Kiss Your Sister Wins at Bards

Kiss Your Sister won at the Bards on Thurday, knocking off the East German Women's Swim Team by one point. When asked why they had chosen that team name, Brett Buzbee answered, "Well, wees all from West Virginnie, and wees all big ol' fans of Caligula beer." If you would like to become a resident of West Virginia, just click below on "Continue Reading" to find the West Virginia residency form.

WEST VIRGINIA STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION

Name: (last) _____________
(first) (_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

CB Handle: _____________________

Occupation:
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Un-employed
(_)Coal Miner

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
___ Number of refrigerators on front porch

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup: _________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Gun World

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Holidays
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)No teeth
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
(_)can't get there from here

Reason for continued residence in West Virginia:
(_) can't bear to leave brother's behind
(_) daddy won't give me my pants back
(_) liberal wife beating laws

BUMPER STICKERS:
___ Eat more Possum ___ My other car is a piece of shit too
___ Honk if you love Jesus ___ If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't shit
___ Red-man Chewing Tobacco ___ Wave if you're horny

Favorite Recreation:
___ Square Dancin' ___ Possum Huntin' ___ Skinny Dippin'
___ Craw Daddin' ___ Gospel Singin' ___ 4-Wheelin'
___ Drankin' ___ Spittin' Backy ___ Bill Chip Trowin'
___ Honky Tonkin' ___ Noodlin' ___ Other

Number of Dogs: ___ Type: ___ Blue Tick ___ Beagle
___ Black & Tan ___ Bird Dawg

Cap Emblem: ___ John Deere ___ McCulloch Chain Saws ___ Budweiser
___ Vo-Tech ___ Skoal ___ Coors
___ NAPA ___ Smile if you're Not Wearing Underwear

Memberships:
___ KKK ___ NRA ___ Moose ___ PTL Club ___ AA
___ Bass Club ___ VFW ___ Quiltin' Bee ___ American Legion
___ United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
___ John Birch Society

Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
___ B.O. ___ Crabs ___ Head Lice ___ Rabies
___ Trench Mouth ___ Runny Nose ___ Bad Breath ___ Chafing

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January 16, 2005

One Blind Mouse Wins, Losers Set Record

One Blind Mouse showed up late, then was able to win in overtime at the Bards on Thursday, despite some obvious stalling tactics by the second place Cunning Linguists. Meanwhile, the Losers, in one of the most startling displays of intelligence ever registered, missed 27 of the final 28 questions to finish with a score of 9. "We just weren't inspired Johnny," said Loser Percy Hightower. "I think it had something to do with us sitting in front of the 'Disaster Wall'. Ironically, I think we'll be up there next week."

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January 14, 2005

F'ers Score an "A"

The F'ers finally foiled their foes, finishing the Goats, 105-102. The fearsome foursome from Philly flaunted their newfound fame and fortune, finding four friendly foxes to finish the festivities. Fantastic!

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January 9, 2005

Kelly Loves Boner Wins, Goodtimes Blimp Grounded

It was supposed to be a big week for Johnny Goodtimes, Inc. They were supposed to launch the blimp they were able to buy from Good Year for dirt-cheap. But their hopes burst into flames like the Hindenburg when they found out what a lemon this blimp was. "First of all, I thought we would be saving a lot of money, because my name was already half written on the blimp," said Goodtimes. "But you wouldn't believe how much blimp paint is selling for these days, so we had to do the job with spray paint. Then the thing didn't even rise off the ground. But I was determined to get an aerial photo, so I just climbed on top of the blimp to snap the photo of 'Kelly Loves Boner' (who scored 112) at the Bards. It looks like it's taken from the air, doesn't it?"

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Goats Finally Win, Bumstead sues Goodtimes

The Goats were able to win on Tuesday for the first time on almost two months, but the real story came later in the week, when lychee heir Chet Bumstead, IV(below) sued Goodtimes for hurting the feelings of a local blueberry heir. "Us fruit heirs need to stick together," said Bumstead. "Lychee, blueberry, even kiwi heirs; it doesn't matter, we need to stand up for each other when jealous people like Goodtimes make fun of us." Said the blueberry heir (whom Johnny's not naming so he won't get sued), "I'm flattered that Bumstead, a man who knows how hard it is to be a fruit heir, would stick up for me. We're a tight bunch, us fruit heirs. We're not like those backstabbing vegetable heirs."

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January 2, 2005

Globogym Purple Cobras Grab Life By the Ball!

The Purple Cobras were able to foreclose on the Bards on Thursday, and emerged victorious. Their elation was even more profound when they found out that their beloved Olsen twins were back on the fast track to success-why else would they be seen with international megastar John Stamos!

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Western Omelette wins squeaker

The Western Omelette was able to overcome two teams by less than four points at the Bards on Tuesday night. Defending champion Defective Sidewalk was highly upset after the contest, thinking that former Eagle Cecil Martin was known as the Diesel. Unforunately, back up fullbacks don't usually get bestowed nicknames like "Diesel." The point is moot!

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December 27, 2004

Not in the Face Wins at Bards

Not in the Face, a team that looked eerily similar to the Western Omelette, won at the Bards on Thursday night. The fact that White Wilt was even able to play was somewhat of a Christmas miracle, as earlier in the day he had shot the eye out after receiving
an official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time.

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Defective Sidewalk wins

The Defective Sidewalk finally knocked off the Western Omelette on Tuesday, coming up with a nice comeback in round four. But it wasn't all good news, as team member Thad Sidewalk saw the value of his posters go way down.

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December 22, 2004

Canadian Hooker Shortage?

The Canadian Hooker Shortage was able to win a squeaker at the Bards last Thursday. (Sorry this is so late going up, things have been hectic lately.) The team, whose members wanted everyone to read this paper about the differences between hookers in Canada and Thailand, says that something drastic needs to happen soon, or Canada will have no more hookers. "Not true," replied Alan Thicke(below), who declined to elaborate.

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December 20, 2004

Omelette Cooks, Thad still poster child

The Western Omelette was able to tie the Goats for most wins at the Bards after trailing for over a year. Meanwhile, Thad Sidewalk has been raking in the money, as this week he became the poster child for runner up.

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December 10, 2004

Western Omelette Walks Over Defective Sidewalk

The Western Omelette was able to win at the Bards on Tuesday night for the fourth time in the last five weeks, holding off the Defective Sidewalk, 91-89, when the Sidewalk scratched out a correct answer, and put down a wrong answer in round four. The good news was that team member Thad Sidewalk was paid big money to be the new posterboy for defeat.

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December 6, 2004

Omelette Is On Fire

For the third time in the last four weeks, the Western Omelette had a perfect round four, an impressive feat. "I don't remember any group being this hot," said Gabriel Majorski, "Since WHAM! toured Asia."

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November 29, 2004

Goats Win at the Bards

The Goats were able to hold off the red hot Western Omelette at the Bards on Tuesday night. The Goats, displaying the type of knowledge that has made them...Hey wait a minute! Those aren't Goats, those are Turkeys!!!

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November 20, 2004

Hale Leads Omelette to Victory, Dies

Fred Hale, the world's oldest man, led the Western Omelette to victory on Tuesday, 109-98 over the Goats. It was the 2nd straight week in which the Omelette had answered all 4th round questions correctly, a new JGT record. After the match, Hale was ecstatic. "First the Red Sox win the Series, then I get a win at quizzo! I can finally die in peace." And die he did, just two weeks shy of his 114th birthday. "It's a shame," said Gabriel Fittipaldi of the Omelette. "It just goes to show how quickly it can all be taken away. I mean, there was Fred, answering questions, slamming Irish car bombs one minute, and the next minute he's dead." Added White Wilt, "None of us saw this coming. I mean, he was only 113. At least he went out on top."

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November 14, 2004

Omelette Sizzles

The Western Omelette performed like Dream Team I on Tuesday, blowing their competition out of the water. They defeated the second place Goats 110-77. Things almost turned ugly in round four when White Wilt (in a relatively obscure reference) elbowed an Angolan in the ribs.

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November 6, 2004

One Man Band Plays Winning Tune

Longstreet Lost the War was able to pull off a shocker on Tuesday night at the Bards, holding off the Goats, 109-107. Longstreet then immediately flew to Washington, where he was honored by Bush and Cheney during their victory speech. "I would never stab a good American like Longstreet," said Dick Cheney.

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October 30, 2004

Another Routine Win For Goats

Just another day in the life for the Goats at the Bards on Tuesday, as they knocked off Jorge de la Rosa 90-82. For once, nothing strange, unusual, or controversial occurred during that nights quizzo. It was just a...OH MY GOD!!! WHAT IN THE HELL HAPPENED TO THEIR HEADS????

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October 22, 2004

Western Omelette Wins Without Ham

The Western Omelette, playing with a Smokey and the Bandit defector and Roscoe P. Coltrane, was able to pull off a victory at the Bards on Tuesday night. The Omelette was playing without White Wilt, but in a display of his world reknowned hubris, Wilt showed up in just in time (surprise!) for the team photo. It was thought that Coltrane at one point called Wilt a "Geek! Geek! Geek! Geek! Geek!", but it turns out, that's just the way Roscoe laughs.

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October 17, 2004

Goats Win Again

The Goats seem to be hitting their stride, as they wiped out their opponents handily at the Bards on Tuesday night. It seems that the Goats just can't be...HEY WAIT!!! Those aren't Goats! Those are anteaters!!!

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October 11, 2004

The Goats get back on the Winning Track

The Goats were finally able to get the albatross off their back, winning at the Bards for the first time since July. It was a big win for the Goats, who were able to...Hey, wait a minute, those aren't Goats!!! Those are alpacas!!!

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October 2, 2004

Western Omelette Washes Out Foes

The Western Omelette bravely fought off raging floodwaters on Tuesday at the Bards to hold off the Goats by a point and win for the second time in three weeks. Two team members, Heather McSweeney and Gabe Crustacean, were swept away soon after this photo was taken. "It's a shame," said White Wilt (front right). "I would have tried to save Heather, but with the water raging like that, I thought I might spill my beer."

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September 25, 2004

Smokey and the Bandit Wins, Apologizes

Smokey and the Bandits zoomed past Ronald Reagan Ate My Baby at the Bards on Tuesday, 101-98. But the Bandits glory was short lived, however, as disgusting photos of Burt Reynolds were made public shortly after the victory. "Oh my goodness," said team member Maya Aztec. "If we had known that Burt Reynolds smoked small cigars naked on dead bears, we would not have honored one of his movies by naming our team after it. By the way, which one is hairier, the bear or Burt?"

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September 18, 2004

Western Omelette Wins, Inks Movie Deal

The Western Omelette squeaked past the Goats at the Bards on Tuesday night, 87-86, to move within striking distance of the leaders on the leaderboard. More importantly, they so impressed Jenna Jameson that she agreed to star in an upcoming film with the whole team. "I don't know why they gave White Wilt top billing," said Brett the Barber Beefcake. "I did all the grunt work."

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September 10, 2004

Return of Serve

Return of Serve was able to hold off The Goat Stands Alone 92-90 at the Bards on Tuesday. The Serve then dedicated the victory to Bjorn Borg (below).

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September 2, 2004

Western Omelette Playing Eggs-tremely Well

The Western Omelette got every question right in the final round to overtake the Burning Sensation at the Bards on Tuesday, 112-105. The Omelette, a team that was all but toast a few short months ago, has been playing much butter lately, and is starting to ketchup to the leaders on the leader board. "We always had the noodles," said Brett the Barber Beefcake. "I just don't think we had really mustard up the courage to a-salt the opponents before. But now it's our thyme." But lettuce not forget the lesson we learned a few months ago: When the going gets tough, this team sometimes waffles (below).

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August 5, 2004

Anger...Or Lust?

It's hard to determine what the mystery woman was doing in Western Omelette's victory photo-flicking off the winners or pointing at Yaz Studley's member. When asked, White Wilt angrily shot back, "I thought this week's story was going to be about me leading this proud franchise back to mighty heights while at the same time adding hot chicks to the team. And you want to ask me about Yaz's digit? That's so typical, Goodtimes."

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July 30, 2004

Goodbye Joe gets hit by Green Door

The Shotwads were able to shoot past Goodbye Joe on the final question of quizzo on Tuesday night at the Bards, as the Goodbye Joe's got screwed by Marilyn Chambers (in a figurative sense). "How were we supposed to know the answer to the Ivory Soap girl question?" asked Liam Butterscotch. "We 're all Zestfully clean."

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July 23, 2004

Three Billy Goats Gruff, One Civil

The Goats took sole control of the #1 slot with a win this week at the Bards. They also took the opportunity to unveil their new mascot, Emmanuel. "We're really excited about being the first team to unveil a mascot," said team spokesman Chet Bumstead, "And we apologize to the Bards for Emmanuel pooping all over the table."

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July 16, 2004

Western Omelette Wins, Supports Kucinich

In a surprise political power play at the Bards on Tuesday, the Western Omelette threw their political clout behind Dennis Kucinich soon after he helped them to an exciting come from behind victory. The Omelette were able to hold off Jesus Ate My Baby and 12 inch Quizzo, 99-98-98. Team captain White Wilt Chamberlain, long a radical left winger who once handcuffed himself to a tree in Rittenhouse Park for 6 months before discovering he had handcuffed himself to the wrong tree and watched helplessly as the tree next to him went down, was able to gather Kucinich and all four of his other supporters in Pennsylvania for Tuesday's quizzo. The Omelette won by answering every question correct in round four.

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July 10, 2004

Nepotism Never Pays Off

Johnny's cousin Jackie Goodtimes (below) has been unemployed for over three years, "just waiting for the right opportunity." Jackie, who used to be a wedding photographer until he was caught Jell-o wrestling with one of the grooms, begged Johnny to be his official photographer. Bad idea, as this photo of the victorious Goats shows. "First Johnny gives his dirty laundry to a crackhead, then he hires his washed up cousin to take photos," said White Wilt. "Left wingers never learn."

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July 2, 2004

Only in America!

The Goats have been doing so well that they've caught the eye of the ultimate promoter, Don King, who has taken them under his wing. The Goats stand to make $7 million for their next quizzo, although they will be exploited and eventually broken by King. "Their Quizzarific dubiousness is an asset to be extemporated," said King, who then added, "Only in America."

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June 24, 2004

Goats Win, Conspiracies Abound

The Goats were able to pull off the victory at the Bards on Tuesday night amidst rumors they had killed former President McKinley. "Oh come on," said Chet Bumstead. "It was in the Weekly World News. That mag is a joke." Critics disagreed. "The Weekly World News just prints stuff the other magazines are scared to print," said Stinky Wishbone of 3rd place Track and Field Jesus, whose dreams of a victory were shattered (like glass). Ms. Pacman Has No Joystick, meanwhile, may have finished last, but it didn't douse their smell, as that stench you might have noticed was the Pure Elegance 124 they sprayed all over their bodies.

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June 18, 2004

Ronald Reagan Ate My Baby Gobbles Foes

Ronald Reagan Ate My Baby won at the Bards on Wednesday, but the real story was the appearance of Grigorii Rasputin's illegitimate grandson, Tex Butterscotch. Tex, who hails from Arkansas, tried to deny it, but I mean, come on people, the proof is in the pudding.

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June 11, 2004

Amy's in Vegas Wins Shootout

Amy's in Vegas won the highest scoring quizzo ever, as for the first time ever three teams finished with 100 points or more. Amy's In Vegas finished with 112 points, Ronald Reagan Ate My Baby had 109, and Track and Field Jesus had 101. And, in an astonishing irony, while Amy was in Vegas, Wayne Newton came to Philly and played with her team, leading them to victory.

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June 5, 2004

Goats Win, Then Die

The Goasts were able to make their way back to the winners circle this week, but their joy was short lived. They just demanded that their photo be taken in front of Kilauea, despite Johnny's misgivings. And wouldn't you know it, the volcano blew just as the photo was taken. The team was quickly consumed by the magma, which is about 1250 degrees Celsius. Johnny was able to escape with a few minor burns. "I told them it was a bad idea," said Goodtimes. "If you ask me, I think they kind of deserved it. I'm just sayin'."

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May 28, 2004

Track 'n' Field Jesus Wins at Bards

Track and Field Jesus, a team of biblical archaelogists, were able to shock the Goats, 91-90, and emerge victorious at the Bards on Tuesday. But the real excitement took place after the match, when T 'n' F Jesus unveiled the inspriation behind their team name: new computer technology that showed a few extra details in the Shroud of Turin (below).

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May 24, 2004

Hair Apparent

The Western Omelette promised a surprise at the Bards on Tuesday, and boy did they deliver! Slick "Tank-Top" Harringslack, left, carried the Omelette thru rounds 3 and 4 en route to a blowout. And thanks to the miracle of Photoshop, I think he may be showing up at quizzo for weeks to come.

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May 15, 2004

Achilles leads Trojans to Victory

The Goats, after hiding in a giant horse and slipping behind the walls of the Western Omelette, emerged to slay the opposition at the Bards on Tuesday. As to why he refused a helmet for the fourth round battle, Chet Bumstead replied, "I never wear protection."

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May 7, 2004

Omelett's Win in OT

The Western Omelette was able to knock off their hated rivals the Goats in a thrilling Overtime victory at the Bards on Tuesday. Jeremy Roenick was able to slip one past Chet Bumstead in the extra frame, but even with the win the rest of the team was too tired to celebrate. "Mentally and physically drained," said White Wilt Chamberlain, who scored an assist on the winning goal. "That's what quizzo will do to you this late in the season."

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April 15, 2004

50 Cent Leads Shotwads to Victory

The Shotwads blew out the comeptition at the Bards on Tuesday, with help from rap icon Fifty Cent. "It was nice having Fifty there," said Shotwad Melanie McSweeney. "In the past, I've felt at times like I was the only member of this team keeping it real." Added team member Franz Havlicek, "Smart move by Fifty to wear his bulletproof vest. I usually wear mine when I go to the Bards as well."

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April 8, 2004

Flying Squirrel Attacks Goats

In a shocker that I'm sure plenty of you saw covered on Action News on Wednesday, the Goats were attacked by a flying squirrel shortly after knocking off the Western Omelette, 99-89. "I knew we shouldn't have brought that trail mix to the bar," said team member Chet Bumstead, who suffered lacerations to the face and aloha shirt during the confrontation. Philadelphia is preparing for the worst, as the flying squirrels continue their spring migration from Allentown.

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April 1, 2004

Western Omelette KO's Competition

The Western Omelette was able to win a tight contest against Glass Joe at the Bards on Tuesday. Joe, a 38 year old tomato can and father of 12, was no match for the firepower packed by the Omelette. The "Glass Jaw of France" landed some lucky punches early, but after hopping to the top of the ring to taunt the Omelette, White Wilt had had enough. "Two body blows, two head shots, and he was done," said Wilt. There will be no rest for the Omelette, however. They have an upcoming match with Von Kaiser, a German boxer with a 23-13 record. The winner gets to take on Piston Honda for the belt.

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March 25, 2004

Goats Win; Wilt Angry

The Goats continued their winning ways at the Bards on Tuesday night, coming from nine down in the final round to pull off a victory. Meanwhile White Wilt Chamberlain, who was not pleased w/ the weekly double question about license plates, cried well into the night (photo below). The Cheap Hookers finished second, and Johnny was seen talking to them after the contest.

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March 18, 2004

The Goats Do It Again

The Goats blew past the Western Omelette in the final round of Tuesday night's Spectacular at the Bards and won 78-71. Knowing that team member Chet Bumstead would be furious if I put some hot chick up next to their story (I mean, for goodness sakes, he already had to run wingman for me the other night), I went ahead and put up his favorite, a dorky Jewish guy that I found on some dating site (Not that I was looking up guys on a dating site.) I'm not even sure this is legal.

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March 12, 2004

Western Omelette Burned by Goats

The Goats were contaminated strawberries and milk. The Western Omelette was Zachary Taylor. In other words, the Goats killed the Omelette, 101-97, because they knew that Zac Taylor had died (tragically) in 1850. By the way, many suspected that Taylor was murdered, so he was exhumed in 1991 and examined to see if there was arsenic in his system (true story). There wasn't. Then, somebody from UCLA sold his body on the black market.

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March 4, 2004

White Wilt Steals Winner's Thunder

White Wilt Chamberlain (highlighted) again hogged the spotlight at the Bards on Tuesday, desperately trying to keep himself in the news, even as the Western Omelette lost for the fourth straight week. I Found Love on the Flopper was able to pull off the victory, knocking off the second place Chowhounds by nine.

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February 26, 2004

Lost to Translations Wins

"Lost to Translations" was able to hold off the "Congratulations, you're on you're way to becoming america's next top model!" "Congratulations", who usually languish in the middle of the pack, was able to put up a furious fight against the 7-time champion Translations (aka the Goats), falling 84-83. The question that costed them dearly, "What did Alfred Binet invent?" Their answer, "That thing the Europeans wash their asses with" was unacceptable. The Shotwads cracked under the pressure and media spotlight accorded a defending champion, and finished with only 71. The Western Omelette finished third with 76. The only reason I even bother mentioning it is because they whine every week I don't talk about them.

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February 19, 2004

Shotwads Win; Johnny Injured

The Shotwads pulled off a shocker on Tuesday Night at the Bards, coming from eight points back to defeat the six time champion Goats, 93-91. But that wasn't the only news on this night. Johnny suffered a badly jammed ring finger while handing out papers, and official JGT doctor Barney "Hacksaw" Wordsworth gave a grim prognosis. "The finger must be removed!" he shouted, before breaking into a fit of maniacal laughter. The critics were unmoved by Johnny's injury. "Johnny's trying to make a big deal out of this to get sympathy from the cute girls on the winning team," said White Wilt Chamberlain. "He's such a hoser."

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February 12, 2004

The Thrilla at Bardillas

Chet Bumstead of Koko's B****** was able to come closer to the correct answer in overtime to knock off Jeff Rattlesnake of Menkerdoodle, and the Doodles finished in second place for the fourth time in five weeks. "This victory was in homage to both Coco, who got screwed in the Westminster Dog Show, and Koko B. Ware, former wrestler and currently my pimp (in photo)."

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February 5, 2004

Four-Peat

The Western Omelette was able to pull off the rare four-peat Tuesday night, outlasting Johnny Wants Porno for His Birthday, as well as the Thiefs(pictured below), who were unable to finish higher than fourth, despite the fact that they had a computer. "The girls on their team were pretty cute," said Johnny, "So I kind of let it slide." Bret "The Barber" Beefcake (in pink hat) was overjoyed about the chance to redeem himself. "A couple of weeks ago, I kind of embarrassed myself by having my fly open. Tonight was all about regaining my dignity."

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January 29, 2004

Same Ol' Song and Dance

A familiar scene greeted fans at the Bards on Tuesday night, as the Western Omelette held off Team Menkerdoodle. It was the third straight week the teams had finished 1-2, with the Omelette's winning every time. The comparisons to the Red Sox were obvious, especially when Menkerdoodle decided to bring Ted Williams head to Tuesday's contest. "We thought it might bring us some luck," said team mamber Ben Halflick. "But it only brought us more despair. And the time Ted spent not cryogenically frozen probably killed any chances he had of being revived in the future."

**Johnny would also like to offer best wishes to "Cool" Brett McSweeney (in tie and glasses), a Bards regular who went out on top w/ the Omelettes in his denouement. He is leaving for the West Side this weekend to record an album with Ice Cube.

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January 22, 2004

It's A Not So Wonderful Life

Only one question remained in the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular at the Bards on Tuesday night. One question and the Western Omelette would become the first team to ever, in history, receive a perfect score. "For what movie did Jimmy Stewart win his only best actor Oscar?" That's when Jimmy's ghost appeared, according to Ed "Nails" Galluzo. "Yeah, it told us that he won his Oscar for Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. We didn't think that it was an evil ghost. "You'd think we would have learned after the Kurtis Blow incident." "I was so nervous in the fourth round, I forgot to button up my jeans after I went to the bathroom," added Brett "The Barber" Beefcake (blonde hair). "How embarrassing."

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January 15, 2004

Fourth Round Freddie Performs Miracle

"Fourth Round" Freddie Mitchell did it again on Tuesday, carrying the Western Omelette to a shocking come from behind victory over Menkerdoodle. "Freddie knew that the religious revival in America was called the Great Awakening, and I dare say that Al Harris (of Team Menkerdoodle) did not," said team lead Mike "White Wilt Chamberlain" Vanderbilt, III. As Harris, who had played for Western Omelette until being released last year, watched on in amazement, Freddie then informed his teammates that David Rice Atchison was President for a day. "Freddie's usually all talk and no action, but tonight he really came through in the clutch," added Brett "The Barber" Beefcake.

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January 8, 2004

Miracle on 20th Street

In perhaps the most exciting finish in Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo history, the Sulfur Clams pulled off an overtime miracle, as Dick Bonaparte answered correctly the OT question, setting off a wave of excitement throughout the crowd, most of whom knew that the Clams had made the climb from worst to first over several grueling months. After the contest, team member Todd Wackendorfer, III received a congratulatory phone call from none other than Russian premiere Vladimir Putin. "Getting a call from Putin was shocking, to say the least. I really have no idea how the premiere of Russia got my cell phone number." Wackendorfer went on to say that he was just sorry that Spanky Twizzler couldn't make it.

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December 31, 2003

Would You Eat Them With a Goat Wins Again

Would You Eat Them With a Goat squeaked past Daddy's in Town, who was despondant after the contest. "Life isn't worth living anymore," said team captain Renaldo Rio Rodriguez. "We can't even seem to get excited about the Paris Hilton video anymore*." (click on photo below.)

*Which Johnny thinks is overrated.

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December 24, 2003

The Goats Win Again

The Goat's were able to pull off an 85-77 win against the Cinderella story of the year, the Sulfur Clams. The disappointment of the year, the Western Omelette, finished third.

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December 17, 2003

Would You Eat Them With a Goat Wins

Would You Eat Them With a Goat
Entered the Holidays on a winning note
As for the Omelette, well my friends
It appears that they choked again
Ed had the right answer but he scratched it out
His future with the team is now in doubt
They used to always be last but oh my word
The Sulfur Clams have finished in third
Will the Goats keep their title, will the questions be hard
Find out next Tuesday when Johnny's at the Bards.

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December 10, 2003

No-One Catches the Clap

No-one could catch "The Clap" on Wednesday night at the Bards, as they held off the Vindaloo Fire, 82-73. Said Rusty Trombone of the Fire, "We tried everything to catch 'The Clap', and I do mean everything." The Fire fought bravely, even after one of their team members passed out face first on the table and had to be dragged off the playing surface (True story). The Western Omelette finished third. "'The Clap' always gives me problems," said team leader Big Mike, who came back early from retirement.

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December 3, 2003

Curse Lifted!

Four Peas and a Pod (AKA Would You Eat Them) finally broke the streak at The Bards on Tuesday, holding off Argh Me Groin in Spectacular fashion. Trailing by nine with two questions left, they were the only team to answer both questions correctly, and were the only team to spell Reykjavik right all night. Big Mike (a.k.a. White Wilt) held a news conference after the game to announce his retirement from Quizzo. Sadly, Big Mike, whose career had started so promisingly, had been besieged by injuries lately (repeated head trauma), and limped to a third place finish in his final appearance. The Sulfur Clams continued to evolve, moving into fifth place.

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November 26, 2003

The Curse Continues

Argh! Me Groin was unable to become the first team to repeat at the Bards, falling to "Would You Eat Them With a Goat?", 97-86. But the real story was the Sulfur Clams, who are no longer bottom dwellers. The Clams, who had finished in last place for two straight weeks, were able to rise from the seafloor all the way to sixth place! After the team's big victory, they received a congratulatory phone call from President George W. Bush. "I couldn't really understand a lot of what he said, because I think he had the phone upside down," said Spanky Twizzler, who fielded the phone call, "But it was still cool to hear from the president."

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November 19, 2003

Argh, Me Groin Returns to Top

Argh, Me Groin! won their second title at the Bards, holding off Team Hater and No More Braided Belts, 100-97-96. The Groins were the only team to spell saponaceous correctly, and made their way to the Johnny Goodtimes High Scores page. The Western Omelette did not perform necessarily well, at least in the academic sense. I am happy to report, however, that their bitching and whining skills still remain unsurpassed. The Sulpher Clams were able to ward off the competition to retain their perennial last place standing.

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November 12, 2003

Bowling for Quizzo Rolls; Omelette Haunted by Blow

In the tightest Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo spectacular ever, Bowling for Quizzo defeated Western Omelette, 91-90. Would you Eat Them With A Goat had 89, and the defending champ Argh! Me Groin had 88. The top four teams were seperated by three points! And the curse of the Bard's continues, as no team has ever won back to back titles! But no team has been haunted more than Western Omelette, who last night were spooked by the ghost of Kurtis Blow. On the question, "What is Kurtis Blow's favorite play in "Basketball", the team had the correct answer but scratched it out. "I swear," said team member Ed Hackett, "That Kurtis Blow's ghost told us to change our answer to slam dunk." But while Kurtis likes the slam dunk, taking it to the hoop, his favorite play is the alley oop. (Inside sources also tell us that Blow likes the pick-n-roll, he likes the give-n-go, this is basketball by Mr. Kurtis Blow.) The other strange thing about seeing Mr. Blow's ghost is that, as far as the Johnny Goodtimes Research Committee could find out, he's still alive. (Click on picture below to see photographic evidence of Blow's ghost.)

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November 5, 2003

Argh! Me Groin Wins a Thriller!

Argh! Me Groin was able to outlast all-time high scorer His Boy Elroy and hometown favorites Eggs Benedict to win the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular at The Bards. The Groin pulled away in the True/False Round, and was able to hold on in Round Four for a 97-95-94 win.
The Groin, who credit their success to "A zen-like mindstate and lots of Icy-Hot cream", plan on returning to the Bards to defend the title. No team has won back ot back titles at the Bards yet.

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October 29, 2003

Tuberculosis Kills Again

On a cold rainy night, A Coalition of the Swilling were able to withstand the elements and creep past Swillensky and the Western Omelette, winning by a score of 82-79-77. Swillensky had the game won, but crossed out the answer "Tuberculosis" and replaced it with "Cholera", costing them a come from behind victory. Another notable feature of the game was Johnny's bravery. When his amp kicked out, Johnny made a daring dash through the rain, and past enemy forces, to capture the back up amp, and give the people what they deserve: electrical audiophonics.
For this, he was awarded the prestigious Johnny Goodtimes Silver Star, awarded by the Johnny Goodtimes Congress of Courage.

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October 22, 2003

Italians Do It Better Set New Record

It all came down to the last question. Johnny stared at the paper in stunned disbelief. THEY HAD DONE IT! Italians Do It Better had set a new Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular record, shattering the old one by seven points. Over four rounds, they had scored only 19 points! That's almost impossible when you consider that the true/false round is, at worst, a 50/50 proposition. But this was a team of destiny. They managed to get only two true/false questions correct, and from there it was smooth sailing. The reaction in Italy was a mixture of pandemonium and euphoria.

"There has not been this much excitement since we beat the West Germans in the 1982 World Cup Final!" said Michaelangelo Da Vinci, a male hooker in Milan. "Finally, the Italians are Number One again!"

Johnny has offered to buy the team a glass of very cheap champagne if they contact him. "The moment was so magical," said Johnny, his voice quivering, "I just wish it wouldn't end." Critics say that Johnny just wants an excuse to hang out with the hot Italian girl. "No comment," remarked Goodtimes.

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Large Western Omelette Eggs Competition

The Western Omelette, which grew exponentially as the game wore on, were able to outlast A Name on Tuesday, 85-78. The Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee lodged a complaint after Tuesday's contest against the two "members" of Omelette who were essentially making out on the floor. "It's been so long since Johnny made out with anyone, the last thing he needs to see is two other people making out. From now on, any making out at the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular will have to include Mr. Goodtimes," said Ethics Committee Chairman Fritz Harddrive.


Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee (from L to R: Antowain Cadillac, Elroy Sutcliffe, Jimmy "Superfly" Kielbasa, Fritz Harddrive, Sparky Beefcake, and Teddy Roosevelt, Jr.)

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October 15, 2003

That's Our Foul Ball Wins Again!

That's Our Foul Ball won for the second time in three weeks, surviving a scare from Western Omelette, 84-81. The Omelette was looking good, but was overcooked by the Foul Ball. The Omelette had hoped to win back to back titles, but they committed a late error on what should have been a double play ball.

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October 8, 2003

The Western Omelette Sizzles!

Western Omelette took a frying pan to the head of the competition on Tuesday at the Bards, browning out second place Brown Town, 92-75. Superfly finished with a new record low score of 26.

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October 1, 2003

Bards

The Somnambulists came from behind to record an 87-84 win over the Knights of Ni, leaving them stunned and a touch disillusioned. The last place team, who asked not to be identified, finished with a new Johnny Goodtimes record of 27 points in the contest. The most inspirational play in the contest came from Huevos Rancheros, who had only nine after two rounds but came on with a vengeance, scoring 66 points in rounds three and four to finish in third.

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September 24, 2003

Swillensky Holds on for Victory

Swillensky was able to hold off a feisty Western Omelette squad in the final round to win the inaugural addition of the Johnny Goodtimes Brain Attack at The Bards, 87-82. The Western Omeletes were 15 down going into round number four, but turned on the cheese and almost turned the Swillensky's into minced ham. The Master Debaters got whacked, scoring only 47.

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September 15, 2003

The Bards Joins the Goodtimes

The Bards, located at 2013 Walnut, will be entertained by the Johnny Goodtimes Brain Attack on Tuesdays starting on September 23rd. The Quizzo will begin at 10 p.m. on Tuesdays.

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