November 9, 2007

Around the Horn, brought to you by Rainbow Brite

-A guy from Gridskipper tries 10 cheesesteaks and ranks them. He ranks the standards 1,2,3,4 (Luke's, Jim's, Pat's, Geno's.) What? Did he really even go, or did he just base this on some 1980 newspaper article? He does get a good dig in at Vento though. (via Foobooz)

-My editor (Dorothy) is hosting a debate tonight at 6 p.m. over whether Starbucks is evil. (I think you know where I come down on this debate). Anyways, in an effort to score brownie points, I am mentioning the details here:
Harmelin Media Stage
2111 Sansom St.

-The Major sports leagues just get more and more evil with each passing day. First of all, former Eagles coordinator Brad Childress has decided to dock receiver Troy Williamson a week's pay because he missed Sunday's game to attend the funeral of the grandmother who raised him. Meanwhile, in Seattle, Sonics ownership is holding the citizens of the city hostage, saying that if they don't pay corporate welfare for a new arena, he's moving. Of course, Darth Stern has blasted city officials for not anteing up.

-But let's end with some good sports news. The Phils are close to re-signing JC Romero. Now we just gotta get Rowand, and it's time to start counting down the days to pitchers and catchers reporting.

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Morning News and Notes

-Vote for which movie I should watch this weekend. Thus far, it looks like we've got our first blowout in this little experiment.

-I am not married or engaged. Apparently that rumor was making it's way around some circles. Don't worry ladies, I am still flying Hans Solo.

-Working on a Punkin' Chunkin' music video. Should have it up by Monday.

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November 8, 2007

JGT: Credible News Source?

Remember a few weeks ago I did a Metro column on Canada? Well, one of the jokes I made went as follows: The World Famous Toronto Cheesesteak shops have signs in their windows that read, "This is Canada. When ordering, speak Canadian."

Apparently "The Snooper" from the Philadelphia Record took this as truth, reporting recently: It seems everyone agrees with Joe Vento, of Geno’s Steaks, regarding his sign. Check this out. In Canada, TORONTO’S world famous cheesesteak shops have signs that read, “This is Canada. When ordering, SPEAK CANADIAN”. So why is Joe Vento in the wrong? This whole sign business is all ridiculous, because he is merely expressing his rights to “free speech”. Remember, THIS IS AMERICA!

Yes, Snoop, you'd be amazed at how many of those damn migrants Up North have learned to speak Canadian since those signs went up. (Thanks to Steve for sending this in.)

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November 7, 2007

What great movie should I watch for the first time

So far, this has been great. Spent the last two fridays on my couch watching terrific films. Thanks for your help in picking them out. Here's a few more that I still haven't seen. Which one should I watch this weekend? Voting ends friday at 5 p.m.

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Around the horn, brought to you by Berzerk

-This rapping groundhog makes me wanna be a nurse.

-Trivia Art's latest in the Metro.

-It was on this date in 1940 that the famous Tacoma Narrows Bridge began waving wildly in the wind. In this video, the only thing as good as the trippy bridge waving is the news reel announcer.

-An economist tries to figure out why we date who we date. Pretty interesting: In a survey we did before the speed dating began, participants rated their own intelligence levels, and it turns out that men avoided women whom they perceived to be smarter than themselves. If there are any dumb girls out there reading this, call me. We can get together and make fun of smart girls.

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November 6, 2007

How Taubenberger coulda won

It would have been simple. If Al had destroyed the Philadelphia Parking Authority, he woulda had a chance. And I don't mean destroy it like reorganzie it. No I mean marching down to PPA headquarters with a barrel of gasoline and setting the goddamm thing on fire. Had he done that months ago, people would have said, "You know what, this Taubernberger guy is OK. I think I may just vote for him."
RELATED: The Philadelphia Parking Authority, the most pathetic entity in the city of Philadelphia other than the Eagles receiving corps.

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November 5, 2007

pics of last week's winners

THis week, just to salt the wound a little bit, the theme for questions is gonna be " Dallas". One guess per person.

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November 2, 2007

Brotherly Love

0412 nutter.jpg
Michael Nutter called out the people of Philadelphia today in a stirring speech at LOVE Park. “This is supposed to be the city of brotherly love and sisterly affection. We need to start acting like it. We need to start acting like it," he said. WE NEED…TO START…ACTING LIKE IT.”** What are you doing to show Brotherly Love? There is still a severe shortage of men in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program, which is a great way to make a huge impact on the future of the city. If that's not your bag, why not go to philacares.com and find something that does interest you. The future of Philadelphia is in your hands. GET INVOLVED!

And speaking of Brotherly Love, I highly encourage you to watch this great 3 minute film about our beloved city.

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Johnny's returning to the Punkin Chunkin

punkinchunkin 039.jpg
A couple of years ago my girfriend at the time (the one who hates Houdini) and I took a romantic holiday weekend to Delaware for the Punkin' Chunkin'. It almost turned out tragic. If you have not already read the story of the pumpkin accident that nearly ended my life, I highly recommend you read it. Last year, I went down, but got their too late for the actual chunkin and just hung out in Ocean City for a night.

Well, my old freshman roommate in college goes to Punkin Chunkin every year and this year he rented a freaking RV so that he and his friends would not have to leave the punkin field the whole weekend. You can see why we hit it off so well in college. So I'm heading down first thing tomorrow morning and will be taking plenty of pictures and some video. And hopefully this year I can avoid pumpkin tragedy.

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Around the Horn, brought to you by my upcoming root canal

-The Enola Gay pilot Paul Tibbets died and with him went his dream of dropping another atomic bomb.

-I don't watch many movies, obviously, but I gotta admit, I'm kind of excited about American Gangster and might try to actually go to the theatre to see it. Denzel was so good as a bad guy in Training Day (though it wasn't that great of a film), and I look forward to see him as the bad guy again.

-Speaking of gangsters, the City Paper has an interesting article about a restaurant in South Philly that is apparently run by the mob, but because the writers didn't want to go swimming in the Schuylkill, they didn't say what restaurant it is. Anybody got the inside scoop? (CP via Foobooz)

-Went to the dentist yesterday and got some great news: I'm getting a root canal! That's right, only $3000 for one of the most awesome experiences of my life! Seriously, I can't wait. I love not having dental insurance! This is gonna be awesome.

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Pick which movie I should watch!

Alright, we've got until 5 p.m. today to determine which movie I'll be watching. Just click here and vote for which classic movie I should watch for the first time. There's some good ones, and we've got a pretty close match between three of them.

Posted at 11:07 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

November 1, 2007

No Quizzo at Good Dog Tonight

Due to renovations, we will not be having quizzo at the Good Dog tonight. If you have not had a chance to play the Spooktacular this week, be sure to make it to the Bards at 10 p.m. I might even start close to on time tonight. Doubtful, but possible. And who knows, you might get to see me go all Irish Jon on someone again like I did Tuesday night, when a girl who had sat there all night shouted out an answer on the 39th question. And finally, you could win tonight: Sofa Kingdom won't be playing.
(photo courtesy of Messy and Picky)

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Around the Horn, brought to you by Mr. Peanut

-Thanks for voting for me, gang! Just got named Philly's Best Quizzo in the City Paper for the 4th straight year. However, after that cover story yesterday, I have to wonder if Steve O. has taken my title as Philly's favorite "C" celebrity. This kind of reminds me of when Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat took the Intercontinental Title from the "Macho Man" Randy Savage.

-Sarah of the Narotyzing Dysfunktion (above) definitely wins for best costume at quizzo this week, made even more impressive that she threw it together in an hour and a half with stuff she had lying around her apartment. And the best part about her outfit, as the Sofa Kingdom quickly pointed out: she was wearing loafers with her spats.

-Just when you're ready to believe the stereotype that the Japanese are very efficient in the workplace, you find out they are really spending all their time at the office doing this with their pens.

-Don't look now, but Dennis Kucinich is making a run.

-Here's Trivia Art's latest in the Metro (from yesterday).

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October 31, 2007

JGT Almost catches a beatdown at Halloween Party

Steve O. hooked me up with a ticket to the Zee Bar's annual Halloween party, and I headed over there on Saturday night. It was filled with beautiful women and a lot of toolbag type guys wearing outfits that revealed how awesomely ripped they were. That included a group of guys who went as SWAT team that was sitting at a booth. At one point in the evening, a young lady said, "Come with me to my friends booth." Now, if there is anything more Manayunk douchebag than getting bottle service at a party where the alcohol is free I'd love to know what it is. But this team of totally awesome SWAT team guys had done just that. By the time I got to their booth, all of the booze was gone, but a few of them were looking at me disgustedly. Finally, one of the guys goes, "You're not with our group. Get the f*** out of here. You're not f****** with us!" He glared at me angrily. Now, keep in mind that as this guy is getting all fired up at me for daring to sit at his booth, I am dressed as Pee Wee Herman. I thought about it for a second, and realized that if I started to fight this guy and Andy Reid (aka Steve O.) joined in, it would be one of the greatest C-celebrity Halloween stories ever. But Steve was nowhere to be seen, and there were four of them, so I figured that discretion would be the better part of valor. I headed out, but not before chiming in, "Well, I guess I'll just be going then" a la Pee Wee at the Private Club of the Satan's Helper's. I looked over a few minutes later, and the head toolbag had his head in his hands. Apparently that bottle service booze, though an excellent way to waste money, had gotten the best of him. Or maybe he just felt bad for kicking me out. That was probably it. He was so mad at himself. "I have turned Pee Wee against my SWAT team! What was I thinking?'
RELATED: To see a pic of the toolbag that tried to start s*** with Pee Wee Herman, click to after the jump. He's the guy all the way on the left.
RELATED: For a few more shots of the Halloween party, including Pee Wee with a few more cuties, click here.


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JGT Has Rhyme Battle with MIddle School Oratorical Rival

JD Outten (above, with son), whom I spoke about earlier this week because he took honorable mention in a middle school oratory contest that I deserved to win, answered back in the comments section with a poem of his own:
The Broadwater Gym Lights, have seen great sights,
But the greatest they ever did see:
was long before SARS
and a poem about Mars
And I defeated Johnny G. T.

In true East Coast/West COast fashion, I have answered with a poem of my own:

I'd memorized every line of that confounded rhyme
About a raven as black as dark fudge is
So when they announced that JD
Had defeated JGT
I knew he must have paid off the judges.

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Fun Halloween stuff

-Danny Lloyd, who played the young boy in The Shining, is currently a biology teacher in Louisville. He didn't know he was acting in a horror movie until years later.

-Do yourself a favor and a story by the greatest horror writer ever today, Edgar Allen Poe.

-Harry Houdini died on Halloween, 1926, after some dude at McGill University punched him in the stomach. Perhaps not coincidentally, my ex-girlfriend (named, appropriately enough, Elvira) went to McGill University. The lesson: If you are a quizmaster, magician, or some other novelty profession, steer clear of McGill students and alumni.

-The jack o'lantern originated in Ireland. But they carved their jack's outta turnips. Here's some more Halloween fun facts.

-Ladies are dressing quite revealingly at Halloween these days. Are these outfits perpetuating stereotypes about certain professions (naughty nurse, tough cop, etc.)? And here's an article in last years NY Times about the current trend of, ahem, revealing outfits. What do you guys think? Slutty outfits: harmless fun or a sign of the decay of the Western World?

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Andy Reid this article!!!

I knew D-Mac was doing a story on Steve-O, but I had no idea it was a cover story. Damn, congrats, Steve. Speech! Speech!
UPDATE: Steve O. will be on WIP at 7 a.m. manana (thursday), so be sure to listen!

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October 30, 2007

Bonus points for dressing up

I will be giving one point for each member of a team that dresses up for quizzo tonight and manana.

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Around the Horn, brought to you by Clams

-I took a friend to Astral Plane a few months ago on their final weekend b/c she's a foodie and I wanted to show her one of my favorite restaurants before it closed. Well, now it's reopening-sort of.

-SInce I've been on a Canada kick lately, here's your chance to learn a little bit about Halifax. (NSFW due to cussin'). Funny stuff.

-Scientists discover 400 year old clam, which raises the question: did this clam kill Christopher Marlowe?

-The "Are they Porn Stars or Fox Business Anchors round"? (SFW) I got a 9 out of 10. Does that mean that I know my FOX anchors...or my porn?

-Coming this afternoon: my Halloween adventure (which included some jackass in a swat team outfit kicking me out of his table) and my review of Dr. Strangelove.

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October 29, 2007

Pic of last weeks winners

Well, the 5th annual Halloween Spooktacular is on the way, and I'm gonna warm you up with a few Halloween questions posted under the pics of last weeks winners. One guess per person.

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October 26, 2007

Dr. Strangelove it is!

Dr. Strangelove edged Casablanca, 22-20, and I will thus be watching it this weekend. I'll have a review early next week.

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2 1/2 hours to go, tie game

Well, things in the "What classic movie should Johnny watch this weekend?" poll are looking pretty interesting. As of this writing, we have a tie between Casablanca and Dr. Strangelove. Who's gonna take the title? We'll know at 5 p.m. In the meantime, Chip and I are finishing up a little film we worked on last week. I'll be posting the movie on Monday.

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Rock to the Raven

Edgar Allen Poe, Allen Iverson, and I all followed similar paths from the streets of Virginia to Philadelphia. And as the sole remaining torch bearer of our little triumvirate, I feel it is my duty to inform you that the band Glass Prism is performing manana at the German Society in a benefit for the EA Poe National Historic Site. They are best known for taking the poem The Raven and setting it to music. Anyway, should be a fairly intriguing Halloween party.

In the 7th grade, I memorized the entire poem The Raven for a middle school oratory contest. I got dressed up like Poe, put a plastic raven over an actual door, and performed the poem splendidly without a hitch. And when I didn't win 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or honorable mention, my mom was pissed. Especially when J.D. Outten got Honorable Mention for doing some dumb "radio broadcast with an alien" sketch. And judges, if you think that I or my mother have forgotten this little slight, you are wrong. Dead wrong.

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Around the Horn, brought to you by Menudo

-Inky scribe Inga Saffron pulls no punches when describing the hideous Symphony House on Broad Street.

-In better Broad Street news: With the 425th anniversary of William Penn coming to Philly being tomorrow, the gang decided to clean the old fella up a bit. Here's some pretty cool photos the cleaning job, including one from inside his face. Here's a bunch more photos from Philly Skyline. These are even cooler, but there are a lot more of them.

-Sugarhouse doesn't have time for community activism, democracy, etc. It needs to get people hooked on gambling right freaking now! Therefore it is suing the city to stop dilly dallying and get out of it's f****** way.

-Any Glengarry Glen Ross fans out there? If so, this is a must see. Hilarious (but Not Safe For Work!).

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October 25, 2007

What classic movie should I watch?

Trivia Art got the sweetest high def TV ever last weekend for the crib, and with the Eagles being unwatchable, I need something else to watch on that giant beauty on weekends. So I got to thinking, and realized that I have not watched a lot of the so-called "Greatest Movies Ever". I thought a good way to motivate me to do so would be to watch some of these films and write my reviews of them afterward. And I want you guys to help me figure out what to watch. So I'm posting a poll below of some great movies I've never seen. Let me know which one I should watch this weekend. I'll check the standings at 5 p.m. manana and watch the one with the most votes by then.

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Around the Horn, brought to you by the Crown Vic

-Finally, a convenient place to keep that shotgun. I'm pretty sure this is real.

-Philly gets dumped on by Sports Illustrated twice this week. First, the NBA preview issue comes out and the Sixers are declared the worst team in the Eastern Conference. Then, they do a piece on Top 10 cities in a sports slump, and Philadelphia comes in first. It's raining, we're ugly, and our sports teams suck. There's only one person that can break us out of these doldrums: Billy Ocean!

-As many of you know, I drive the sweetest ride in town, a 1997 metallic blue-green Crown Victoria. It scores me a lot of leg. But if you wanna be as awesome as me, you better hurry. They ain't gonna be makin' Crown Vics much longer.

-Manayunk is being bombarded by toolbags relieving themselves in public, proving once and for all that Manayunk is the open air outhouse of the Philadelphia Metro Area.

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October 24, 2007

A few of my favorite comments

You might be surprised to note that I read pretty much all of the comments on here. Or maybe you're not surprised to know that. After all, I am a man of leisure. I mean, what the hell else would I do with all this free time? But I have to say that one of my favorite things about this blog is the commenters. Even when the political talk gets heated, it stays moderately respectful in tone and the arguments are usually somewhat fair reasoned, even Bob T.'s. And a lot of the commenters here are pretty clever. Anyways, enough ass kissing, here are a few of my favorite posts from the past week:

-In response to the request, "Tell me some fun facts about Canada", Wes wrote: If you pull on a Canadian guinea pig's tail it's eyeballs will fall out.

-In response to the question of the week, "What 1978 Donny and Marie Osmond movie took place on Hawaii, and was a critical and financial disaster?" Anonymous wrote, Wasn't it called "No, Seriously, Marie- It's Legal in Hawaii. Now Touch It"?

-But my favorite came from Gabezilla after I said that I was rooting for the Red Sox:
Once again, Johnny, you fail to see how real life relates to the Transformers:
When we kids, we were always glad when Starscream tried to overtake the mighty Megatron, because we figured dissension was bad for the Decepticons, which was good for the Autobots, which was good for us somehow. But Starscream never did unseat Megatron, and we were all better off because Starsceam, with that obnoxious screach of a voice, was actually more dangerous and careless than Megatron. Sometime into the show's run a weird, purple character named Shockwave came around. Nobody's really sure when he came or where he came from, and because he's really quiet, no one knows much about him. He too tried to take things over, but nobody payed him any mind, even though he had almost no weaknesses. Now that the Yankees (Megatron) are out of the way (indefinitely?), you really want the Starscreaming Red Sox to be established as the new alpha at the expense of the inocuous though boring, Shockwaving Rockies? Sure they beat up the Rodimus Priming Phillies, but, as we all learned, Rodimus Prime was ill suited to wear the crown.
Say no to Starscream people, before it's too late.


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Cliff's Notes to this weeks Weekly

Some good stuff in this week's PW. Here's the highlights:
-Trivia Art and the lovely Ginger (aka Suzy) are both featured in the Taste Mag insert. Not online, you gotta pick up an actual copy.

-Interview with a tattoo artist that is nothing short of amazing. People in the shop tattoo a lot of male genitalia on women. Later I cover them up. Once I turned a penis into Darth Vader. The whole helmet and everything.

-Shakespeare was a perv.

-The most pathetic, most offensive block in Center City Philadelphia is no doubt the west side of 15th street between Spruce and Locust. Fox and the Hound, Buca Di Beppo, and Starbucks form a Holy Triumvirate of generic crap for popped collar douchebags and adventurous South Jerseyites who dare wander out of Old City. And the Wal-Mart of Irish restaurants, Fado, guards the corner of 15th and Locust. Well guess who owns that giant dump of a block? I'll give you a hint: They are the most hated entity in the city other than the Eagles offense. From PW:
Buca di Beppo, the offensive Italian chain on South 15th Street, is closing once a new tenant for the building is found. We say good riddance! If there’s one thing this town needs less than another Italian BYOB is another crappy chain. Of course considering the space is owned by the Philadelphia Parking Authority, another crappy chain will no doubt sidle up to take its place.

If a wildfire like the one in California struck Philadelphia, and by some queer luck destroyed only the Philadelphia Parking Authority, wouldn't that just be awful? That would just be awful.

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October 23, 2007

Around the horn, brought to you by Orko

-The best opening sentence about a tragic death ever: The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died a day after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys.

-Paris Hilton wants to be cryogenically frozen. Unfortunately for us, she doesn't want it to happen until she dies. Won't it be wild if there is a nuclear fallout in 2134 and it unfreezes the bodies of Ted Williams and Paris Hilton but kills everybody else? That would make for a great reality show.

-Oceania, uh, I mean Philadelphia will be putting up video cameras all over the city to catch criminals. In the city of "Private Eyes" singers Hall and Oates no less. Hmmm, Donspiracist, I think I'm onto something.

-Steve O. is going to be on the radio today between 1-2 p.m., debating Armenian genocide. He'll be on 1540 a.m., or you can listen here. Steve is apparently AGAINST genocide.

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October 22, 2007

The latest on JGT's Love Life

-First of all, I tried to meet some ladies by posting an ad on craigslist. There are going to be haters out there who say that I "fudged the facts" a tad, but I think it's a fairly honest look at myself.

-Secondly, Alycia Lane is single again. Her boyfriend, some New York broadcaster punk sissy, broke up with her because his station told him to, b/c of the whole Rich Eisen bikini flap. Wow, Alycia. You're single. I'm single. It's like the stars are lining up for us here. What the heck, let's go for it! I'm an astronaut!

-Eve, I haven't forgotten about you, girl. Listen, that thing with Alycia, that's just a friend thing. She's coming off a breakup, I'm a shoulder to cry on. That's all that is. Don't worry your pretty little eyes. You and me are forever girl. Shake that tambourine!

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October 19, 2007

Around the Horn, brought to you by Larry Dallas

-A guy goes cross country in a car in 31 hours. A cross country trip with no Detroit hookers, no JFK conspiracy theorists, and no 72 once steaks? Not interested.

-Holy cow, this dude puts the "car" in cardboard.

-Greatest reward for a stolen item ever. "The person who returns [it] is obviously the person who stole it, so they don't deserve any reward!" Name that movie.

-Any "Fish That Saved Pittsburgh" fans out there? If so, you need to see this. Insane.

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October 18, 2007

Last week's questions

Here's a few from last week. Answers after the jump. Quizzo tonight at Good Dog at 8 p.m. and Bards at 10 p.m. If you haven't already played the online quizzo, click here.

1. Due to a contract dispute with the leads, Coy and Vance became stars of this show, causing it to jump the shark.
2. Who is the only current major leaguer to have played in both a World Series game and an NCAA Final Four, as he used to back up Steve Kerr at Arizona?
3. What state had a dead animal on it's license plate from 1987 to 1999?
4. Buddha was born in an area that then belonged to India, but in what is now what country?
5. What was the subject of the documentary Triumph of the Will?
6. In what sport would you find positions such as the long-off, the fine leg, and the third man?
7. In what 1995 Hughes Brothers movie would you have found Chris Tucker?
8. This co-founder of Untied Artists was known as America's Sweetheart, though she was born in Toronto in 1892?

1. The Dukes of Hazzard
2. Kenny Lofton
3. Maine
(The lobster on the plate is red, meaning it's dead.)
4. Nepal
5. The Nazis
6. Cricket
7. Dead Presidents
8. Mary Pickford

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A South Philly Legend Passes Away

Joey Bishop of the Rat Pack passed away last night. Though Bishop was born in the Bronx, he grew up in South Philadelphia and got his start on the local burlesque scene. He was the last living member of the Rat Pack. This from philly.com:
When he was 3 months old the family moved to South Philadelphia, where he attended public schools. He recalled being an indifferent student, once remarking, "In kindergarten, I flunked sand pile."

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Around the Horn, brought to you by Miss America's Box

-NBC's 10! show has long been on the cutting edge, and they kept that edge sharp during a recent show when cute co-host Lori Wilson said that Whitney Houston's "Saving All My Love For You" sounded like, "I'm Shaving Off My Muff For You". Her co-host Bill Henley has no room to talk, because on the episode of the 10! show I hosted last year, he made perhaps the funniest double entendre in the history of television.

-Last night, when I asked, "Which one is further east, Charlottetown or Niagara Falls?" Ern and a few of his pals hollered out, "Niagara Falls! Slowly I turned, and step by step, inch by inch..." A few people asked me what in the hell he was talking about. It's this, a famous old vaudeville act.

-James Watson raised quite a few eyebrows recently when he said that black people have lower IQs than white people. But when people blasted him for this theory, he was like, "Oh really, genius, well how many deoxyribonucleic acid double helix's have you figured out in your life? Because I invented that s***, son."

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October 17, 2007

Quick Quizzo Notes

-A new scoring wrinkle that will help teams in bad shape after round three was given a trial run last night and worked fairly well. We'll see it again tonight.

-Could the empire be expanding to North Broad? Stay tuned.

-Questions were pretty tough last night. Expect more of the same tonight.

-People always ask me where they have the best chance to win. It varies over the course of the year, but right now I would definitely say the Good Dog. No dominant team and a new winner nearly every week.

-Oooooh, I've got some sweet new last place prizes too.

QUIZZO TONIGHT: Locust Rendezvous 6:15 p.m.
Black Sheep 8 p.m.

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Around the Horn, Brought to you by Hockey Candy

-Cheesy chain Buca Di Beppo closing down. Nice work, Philly! But let's don't stop there. Now let's run the Olive Garden out of town. (But not Applebee's of course. Those poppers are amazing. And porterhouse steak topped with melted cheese? Brilliant.)

-More Trivia Art, this time in the Metro.

-Mitch Williams to AJ Daulerio of the Phillymag blog: Keep Curt Schilling away from this team.

-Yesterday I posted that things were going from bad to worse in Atlanta: First Joey Harrington, then TI, then the water shortage. Well, finally some good news: they're getting a WNBA team!!!

-The rankings are in, and the toolbags who fill out polls for Travel and Leisure have spoken. Philly sucks at pretty much everything, which is great. That means the squares who fill out these polls and their friends will stay away. Perfect. Oh, and we were the ugliest out of 25 cities. Um, hello. That's exactly why I moved here. In the land of trolls, I look like a prince.

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October 16, 2007

What a Short, Strange Trip It's been

D-Mac and I started out on Friday at about noon, bound for Toronto. After stopping in Old Forge for their famous pizza (their not so secret ingredient: onions), we drove hard and fast for the border. Flew past Syracuse, Rochester, and Buffalo. Were allowed into Canada and then drove by Hamilton and toward Toronto, rolling into Canada's largest city at around 9:30 p.m. Dropped our stuff off at the Comfort Inn and headed for the Players Ball. As soon as I walked in the door, I had people challenging me to money games of RPS. I walked out later that night $35 richer. The Players Club was just off of College street, and the women walking around were quite cute. After winning some money and having a few beers, I headed back to the hotel and crashed hard. Spent the next day walking around Toronto. The first thing I noticed was it's cleanliness. We were sort of wandering aimlessly and found an area that was sort of a cross between 8th and Market and 22nd and Market: A few record stores, some adult bookstores, some regular used bookstores. And even this sort of sketchy area was clean. Impressive.

That night, I dressed to the nines and headed to a bar called the Steam Whistle for the RPS World Championships. D-Mac is doing a story on it for the Philadelphia Weekly, so I won't give a whole lot of details about the RPS, but I did fall in the first round on the final throw. Very disappointing. Hung around, saw the first ever female RPS Champ get crowned (also, the most unexcited winner of $7,000 ever), got shot down by a few more Canadian women, then headed with the Philadelphia contingent to a bar called Goodtymez, which was a dive bar near our hotel.

Buffalo, Cooperstown, and lots of photos after the jump.

Went to Gretzky's on Sunday to watch the Eagles game. I assure you, it was no more exciting to watch the Eagles offense in Canada than it was in Philly. We then hit the road. Got into Buffalo at around 6:30 and headed for the Pat's of hot wings, the Anchor Bar. They claim to have invented the hot wing in 1964. They weren't the best wings I've ever had, but they were plenty good, and the old bar was a great place to watch the end of the Pats-Cowboys game. 15 wings later, it was back in the car. We drove until we hit Syracuse, where we stayed at a Best Western with the smallest swimming pool I've ever seen.

Woke up Monday and headed off to Cooperstown to see the Baseball Hall of Fame. It's a beautiful drive this time of year. The Hall of Fame was pretty great. I had hoped to run into Prime Minister Pete Nice, formerly of 3rd Bass. He currently works for the Hall of Fame. No kidding. But I didn't see him. As the cold autumn afternoon turned darker, we hit the road, stopping again in Old Forge, this time for pasta instead of pizza. Went to the highly recommended Salerno's, and the ravioli was delicious. Was really happy about the meal-until the check came. They charged us for refills of Coke. I hate it when restaurants charge you for refills and don't tell you about it. However, I still recommend the food...just don't get the soda. After that, we cruised through the mountains to Philly, listening to the Indians-Red Sox game on the radio. All told, a pretty damn good road trip.
RELATED: View Photos of the Trip.

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Arond the Horn, brought to you by a Toronto Mariachi band

-An awesome letter to the editor in last weeks Metro, after the Metro made a joke about Beanie Siegel behaving obnoxiously, acting like he was a South Jerseyite in Old City. The angry letter from a South Jersey native reads in part: For your sake, sir, we'll try to stick to our own class of people down here in the gutter. We won't force you to suffer the indignity of having to allow your eyes to fall upon such low-class trash, or god forbid, have to hear the vile conversations that fall from our mouths... On behalf of Philadelphians everywhere: Thank you.

-A guy who is running for City Council near Miami is running under a fairly astounding slogan.

-Great line from Stephen Colbert in a NY Times column about Gore's chance of the presidency: ...winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don’t need to care about science, literature or peace.

-Just when you thought that Joey Harrington was Atlanta's biggest problem, along comes this: Downtown Atlanta is about to run out of water. See, T.I. was just stocking up on guns for the coming apocalypse.

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Got back in to Philly last night. Will have full details of the trip this afternoon, after I write my Metro column. In the meantime, do some reading on the Cardiff Giant, which I was in the same town as yesterday (Cooperstown) but didn't get to see. Today was the day the Giant was discovered in 1869.

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October 15, 2007

Good Morning from Surprising Syracuse!

Well, an interesting weekend, to say the least. I'll have more details and a lot of photos a little later. Currently in Syracuse, getting ready for the highlight of the trip: going to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Can't wait. Haven't been since I was 10 years old. Anyways, I'm gonna post pics of last weeks winners and the questions under them will be about people who went to Syracuse or who lived there. One guess per person.

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October 12, 2007

Wish Me Skill!

I'm off to Toronto for the World RPS Championships. I'm really feeling good. This could be my weekend. I'll have some pics of the craziness up sometime on Sunday or Monday. In the meantime, check out Rock Paper Saddam and PLAY THE NEW ONLINE QUIZZO!

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October 11, 2007

New Online quizzo is up!

Hey gang, the new MyFoxPhilly Quizzo Spectacular just got posted! Go check it out! If you like it, please tell a friend! I think this thing has a lot of potential, but I need your help to get the word out. Oh, and let me know how you score on this one. I think it's a little harder than the first one.

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What should I do in toronto?

I'm only gonna be there a couple of days, and part of that time will be roshamboing, but are there any sights, restaurants, etc. that I need to check out? I've never been. Post below.

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Dinosaur Sex

Everybody has been asking me lately about dinosaur sex. And by "everybody" I mean nobody. So I'll share with you what I know. First, an answer from the straight dope. But wait, it gets better. I stumbled onto a forum of a site called askabiologist.com, where I suspect most of the questions are like, "Why do turtles have shells?" But on this forum, things got a little wild, and the next thing you know, biologists are debating each other about dinosaur sex. Why are there no TV shows where scientists debate each other about dinosar sex? Who wouldn't watch that?
RELATED: Cosmos magazine teaches us more in an article titled Tyrannosaurus Sex.

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October 10, 2007

Johnny Learns A Valuable Lesson

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This is what happens when you bet on Philadelphia sports teams. The thrift store didn't have any bathing suits, so I had to go with lingerie in Colorado Rockie purple. I had a few people drive by and tell me to do unholy things to myself, and received a number of middle fingers, but for the most part people just assumed that I had lost a bet. (In case you can't read it, the sign says "Los Rockies son muy bueno!" To see the larger version, click on the photo). For the Pat's photo (taken with a different hat) click below.

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Around the Horn, Food edition

-Tried out with Cafe Lift on Sunday with Trivia Art (and a couple of beautiful women who only like us as friends). It was a terrific brunch (Get the french toast!) and Art gave 'em some love in his Bite column in the Metro.

-Michael Klein has a quiz in which he asks if you know what the spots containing popular restaurants used to be. Here's the answers.

-The Philly foie gras debate just went big time. TIME Magazine weighs in on it. .

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Heading to South Philly soon

Still looking for a photog, but if worse comes to worse, I might just have to ask a stranger. Been working on posters all morning. Crafts are harder than I remembered. Anyways, I'll keep ya updates, and humiliating photos will hopefully be up by this afternoon. If not, then certainly tomorrow morning.

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October 9, 2007

Manana's the Day

A bet's a bet, so tomorrow, I will make my trek to Pat's and Geno's to be photographed in the woman's bathing suit. Thanks Phillies. It will have to be during the day, so anyone who is free and wants to be the official photographer for this occasion should contact me. In return for your services, I will buy you a cheesesteak.

A couple of other things coming up that aren't remarkably humiliating: A new quizzo on MyFoxPhilly coming in the next day or two, as well as a new rant from the Donspiracist. Also, have a contest we'll be kicking off manana. Be sure to check back.

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JGT Heads to Toronto

I'm going international, homies. That's right, I'm headed to Toronto this Friday. Why? To compete in the Rock Paper Scissors World Championship. As most of you know, I am both hated and feared in the local RPS community, having won the City League Championship in 2006 and finishing in the Final Four in 2007. I am quite confident I will win on Saturday, and have already spent the $7,000 awarded to the victor.

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Remember when you were at the Kimmel Center and you were watching the orchestra and you were like, "The flute player is alright, but he'd be better if he could beatbox."? Then this jam is for you.

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October 8, 2007

Around the Horn, Sexy Time edition!

-"The Genius Factory" caused quite a furor when it came out a couple of years ago, and I've just started reading it. So far, it's great, and I thought you guys might wanna learn a little bit about the Nobel Prize Sperm Bank. Here's an article in the Guardian about the resulting children by the guy that wrote the book.

-Congratulations South Korean men! Apparently, your penises have been growing in leaps and bounds! In an article about condom firms, a chief of one of the big firms (ahem) in South Korea stated, "The size of South Korean condoms now meets international standards, helped by an increase in the size of men's penises here." My question is, who's doing all the measuring?

-Redefining rock bottom, Britney's VMA performance will soon no longer be her most embarrassing video. Her home was burglarized recently: The burglars are believed to have made off with Britney's collection of raunchy homemade sex tapes as well as a selection of the singer's steamiest photographs. Some of the uniforms Britney allegedly wears for kinky sex games were also taken. Article here. A lot of people think I'm celibate because nobody wants to hook up with me, but that's simply not true. I just don't want to make a bunch of raunchy sex tapes and steamy photos only to have them fall into the wrong hands.

-In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, filmthreats.com is honoring the 50 greatest breasts in cinematic history.

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Happy Mass Murdering Slave Trader Day!

The most absolutely appalling holiday in America is today, as we celebrate one of the most evil men to ever walk the planet. Columbus Day is an embarrasment. From American Heritage:
Columbus led an expedition against the defenseless Indians that was incredibly savage in its slaughter of the naked islanders and destruction of their villages. The heavily armed Europeans were accompanied by ferocious greyhounds each of which, Las Casas wrote, “in an hour … could tear 100 Indians to pieces because all the people of this island had the custom of going … nude from head to foot.” Many people were taken alive, and five hundred were sent as slaves to be sold in Castile...Today the Arawak community of peoples, those “innocents” of Father Las Casas, who once inhabited in such numbers the larger islands of the Caribbean and who welcomed the white men to the New World, has vanished from the West Indies.

When Columbus first arrived in the West Indies, he wrote to the Queen: "So tractable, so peaceable, are these people, that I swear to your Majesties there is not in the world a better nation. They love their neighbors as themselves, and their discourse is ever sweet and gentle, and accompanied with a smile; and though it is true that they are naked, yet their manners are decorous and praiseworthy." Within months, he was cutting off their hands if they couldn't find him gold and killing their babies and cooking them on spits to teach these people a lesson about respect. And yet, five years ago, George W. Bush issued a presidential proclamation celebrating "Columbus' Bold Expedition and pioneering achievements", a presidential order to celebrate genocide, greed, and evil. Of course, with the legalization of 15th century torture techniques and "shock and awe" to teach respect as two of his administration's legacies, maybe that shouldn't be so surprising.
RELATED: Here's a pretty good comparison of Columbus to Heinrich Himmler.

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October 5, 2007

Goodtimes Chokes in Choker Column

Yep, I accidentally used the word 'benevolent' when referring to Hitler when that was not what I meant. (Read column here). Fortunately, a very friendly lady pointed out my mistake in a "Letter to the Editor" and in doing so, only called me "stupid" like three or four times. Apparently, despite her excellent vocabulary, the only words she knows for unintelligent are "stupid" and "dumb". It's probably because all of the people she hangs out with are sheer, mistake-free geniuses so that she never has to use words that mean "unintelligent".

And it wasn't my fault. I had initially written "tyrannical dictator", but Charlie Manuel replaced "tyrannical" with "benevolent" in the fourth inning!

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Like Whoa

This is beyond belief. This guy named John Wood lost his leg in a plane crash, but decided to hold onto it. He kept it in the freezer a while, but then decided to put it in his grill in storage. Well, when he fell behind in his payments, the grill was sold. The guy who bought the grill, Shannon Whisnant, is no dummy. He realized that a human leg inside a grill is his key to fame and fortune, so now he won't give the leg back. Shannon gave the leg to a local funeral home, but is still charging people to look inside the grill where the leg used to be! He is charging adults three dollars and children one dollar. What a deal for the kids! Shannon understands that the children are the future, show them grills and let them lead the way. Show 'em where there used to be a leg inside. Give them a sense of pride!
UPDATE: John got the leg back! Hooray for justice!

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October 4, 2007

The bet

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As every woman I've ever hit on knows, I was a dolphin trainer in Hawaii for 3 years. While living in Hawaii, I was good friends with another trainer named Justin from Denver. And when the Broncos went to the Super Bowl against the Falcons in '99, he needed someone to bet against. Well, we were pretty sauced by kickoff, so I told him that if he gave me the points I would bet him. The deal: loser had to write the winning teams name in the black lava with coral rocks...while wearing a woman's bathing suit. Needless to say, I lost (above).

Well Justin and I have remained friends through the years, and when the matchup of Rockies-Phillies came up, I got a phone call. The deal breaks down thusly: If the Phillies win, he has to stand on the side of the road and write "Phillies #1" in coral rock while wearing a woman's bathing suit. If the Rockies win, I have to hold up a sign in front of Pat's and Geno's that read's "Rockies Rule" while wearing a woman's bathing suit. In other words, if the Phillies lose this series, I'm going to get my ass kicked in front of Pat's and Geno's. Today's game is a must win.

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Today in Dan Gross's column he talks about a couple of people I've never heard of breaking off their engagement. Ok, sure, but then there is this: The pair had dated several years and were engaged in March on the Wachovia Center court during a Sixers/Celtics game when Bell was to interview the winner of a mascot race and the winning mascot pulled off his helmet and proposed to her. Awesome! Fair warning to any female who thinks she has a chance to marry me: If I ever ask you to go on a trip to Milwaukee, then we go to a baseball game, then I excuse myself, and then you see a giant chorizo running towards you with a rose and tiny black box in his hand, prepare to say "yes". Or, even better, "no". Because there is nothing funnier than a heartbroken chorizo.

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Mmmm, MInd Erasers

Yeah, Tuesday got a little wild, but I did only end up doing one mind eraser, and a few more shots. But I was able to get out of bed before 3 p.m. the next day. The Narcotyzing Dysfunktion, meanwhile, had been saving up gift certificates for like a year and spent, I think, $560 worth of gift certificates Tuesday night. Pretty incredible. I wasn't sure, but I thought I saw a few of them with a decent buzz.

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October 3, 2007

Things we learned last week

1. What was the name of Will Smith's first solo album?

2. J-Roll became the 3rd shortstop in MLB history to record 30 homers and 30 stolen bases in a season. One is still a ML star, the other one retired in 2004 after playing for the same team for 19 years. Who are they?

3. This future president was an illiterate tailor in Tennessee in the 1820s when his future wife taught him how to write.

4. In what important document would you find the words, "We pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor"?
a) Declaration of Independence b) Gettysburg Address c) Magna Carta d) US Constution

5. How far is it from the bowling foul line to the front pin?
a) 50 feet b) 60 feet c) 70 feet d) 80 feet

6. In this popular Nintendo game, Bill Rizer and Lance Bean fight Red Falcon terrorists on the island of Galuga.

1. Big Willie Style
2. A-Rod, Barry Larkin
3. Andrew Johnson
4. Declaration of Independence
5. Answer B: 60 feet

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Around the Horn, brought to you by Grover Cleveland

-Rush Limbaugh calls soldiers who don't support the war "phony soldiers". What does that make people who get out of fighting because they have a cyst on their ass?

-Alyssa Milano says she's done dating athletes, I have not played organized sports since I was 18; she was on "Who's the Boss, I used to watch "Who's the Boss"; she was in "Poison Ivy", poison ivy gives me a terrible rash; Hmmmm, I hate to use the term "match made in heaven" but I think we may be on to something here.

-George Bush, in an effort to get his approval ratings under 25%, vetoes a bill that would help the poor get healthcare. \

-Chip Chantry tonight at Helium. 8 p.m. Be there.

-Attention bars: If you plan on carrying today's game, please CUT OFF THE CLOSED CAPTIONING! I mean, if someone deaf comes in the bar, sure, you can cut it back on, but otherwise, keep it off! Nobody cares what the morons calling the game say, especially if the words are blocking the action on the screen, which they always do. Man, that drives me crazy!

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October 2, 2007

Steve-O parties with LA, Hugh, the Phanatic and Mitch Williams on a bus

Only in Philadelphia would a guy who impersonates the head football coach hang out on a bus with Mitch Williams, Hugh Douglas, and the baseball team's mascot. I still don't think I understand where the hell they were going, just cruising around South Philly on a bus. I mean, what??? Here's Steve-O's report (That's him, above, with LA's NLCS ring). This is pretty insane.

Last night was Comcast Sportsnet's 10th anniversary special at Chickie's and Pete's in South Philly. The place was full of Philadelphia sports personalities and I was invited there to participate in the live broadcast of "Monday Night Live". I was there as part of the cast of the Eagles documentary film "Green Fans". Other fans included "helmet man", "cheesesteak man", "Tattoo man" - it was like a dysfunctional Ocean's 11/Island of Misfit Toys/SuperPhriends. Our Superpower? Strong Spelling ability.

There was a VIP party in the back, but the real fun was on the "Scotty Express" - one of the premier Eagles tailgating group buses. Once the players, broadcasters, etc., left the VIP party, we guided them towards the bus for some drinks and Philly sports talk.

Each time one of the name guys would get on the bus, we would joking yell, "Lock the doors! Let's get moving"!!!!

Some of the more notable names to hang with us on the bus:

Mitch Williams - was in awe of the bus and called Philly fans the best fans ever. When we were taking group pictures, I suggested we should exercise terrible aim and capture shots of our feet as a tribute. He found that pretty funny.

Phillie Phanatic - Well he has no real mouth, so there was no drinking. Just the usual craziness he brings to the table. He has serious ADHD.

Bob Kelly - Former Flyers legend of the 70s. Not very amused when I yelled out, "Hey. It's Charlie Manuel".

Ike Reese and Hugh Douglas - both are still baffled about the lack of adjustments made during the Eagles game to help Winston Justice.

Steve Coates - Flyers play-by-play announcer. Fun guy.

Gary Matthews - Drinking water when we saw him last night. Very uncharacteristic if you knew of some of the legendary stories involving him as a 1983 Phillie.

Larry Andersen - I've hung out with him before. But for most of the guys on the bus, it was their first time. At first he was reluctant to get on the bus, and wanted to make sure we were all Phils fans too (which we all are).

He had plenty to say about this bunch of Phillies. He is still in awe of how they put it together. Along with Mitch and Sarge, he gave tons of credit to Uncle Charlie. He said other managers would never have been able to weather the storm from early this year. He said that he likes Eskin, but that Charlie woulda taken Eskin out if they had fought. We were going crazy when he said that.

We also celebrated seeing all the Mets fans in tears.

Then LA, Mitch and our group started singing High Hopes (seems like we only knew the one line about apple pie in the sky). LA knew the whole song and as we all started drinking, we suddenly hear him singing the 2nd verse (and possibly 3rd).

It was a good night. People are pumped about the Phillies.

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October 1, 2007


Watching the Padres-Rockies game and a promo comes on for NBC10's local news team. After the usual stuff about fires and weather, all of a sudden the cheesy announcer dude says in his serious voice, "A psychic poodle...a deadly message. Exclusively on NBC." Wow, I bet FOX and KYW are just kicking themselves or not being able to land the psychic poodle story.

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Pics of the winners

Gonna post pics of the winners of last weeks quizzo with questions about the Phillies underneath. One guess per person.

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Around the Horn, brought to you by your 2007 New York Mets!!!

-I used to hang out with these guys, the Tangled Thoughts, a few years ago when they still lived in Philly, and used to watch them at Abilene's. Well, things have taken off since they moved to Cali. They got hooked up with Kurupt and just released their first album. Here's a few tunes they have on Myspace. I like "Jumpoff".

-The Metro launched their new blog, Metropolis, today.

-Rudy Giuliani is going to eat at Geno's tonight to show his support for racism. If anybody wants to go and chant, "Gen-O-pho-bic! (clap-clap, clap-clap-clap) Gen-O-pho-bic!" give me a holler. I'm down.

-Have you heard of Pricasso? The artist who paints portraits with his, um, manhood? (This is SFW, but if your boss walks by he's going to think you are kind of insane.)

-Steve O. is gonna be playing Andy Reid on Comcast Sportsnite at 7:30 p.m. and 11 p.m. After last night's game, I think this could be a great opportunity to see Steve O. get beat up on television.

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Going to CIty Hall

Yo, I'm gonna check out the rally at City Hall. It'll be a little different than the impromptu celebration we had on Broad yesterday (more on that later), but it'll still be fun. I'll be back this afternoon to do my write up about what was an incredible weekend of celebration, heartbreak, and finally euphoria in the middle of Broad Street. Oh, and if anybody wants to see me follow through on a dreadful bet, be at the Bards tomorrow night. I have to drink Mind Erasers. I told the Kingdom I would never drink another one unless the Phils went to the playoffs.

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September 28, 2007

Closing remarks

If you haven't played the new online quizzo, check it out! If you have played it, please tell your friends. I think I have an opportunity to really do some fun stuff here, but I really need you guys to help me promote it. I greatly appreciate your help. Should have a new one up next week.

Also, I'm going to the Phils games tonight and tomorrow. Neither is an afternoon special, so they should be OK. Right? We sweep and we're in, and we can celebrate with an Eagles win over the Giants on Sunday night. Fellas, the fact is that you will not be leaving the couch or bar stool all weekend, so you're gonna have to agree to take the little lady out somewhere real nice next week. I suggest Chili's. And to show her how much you care, give her the gift that lasts forever: plastic roses.

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Thank you Lazaro's

The good guys at Lazaro's hooked it up a couple of weeks ago. We had an open house for the basketball Little League at my YMCA (if anyone is interested in volunteering or donating funds, jerseys, etc., let me know), and the guys at Lazaros (17th and South) gave us a great deal on pizza. Thanks guys! And keep up the good work.

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Holy Crap

How could we let this happen? I had no idea that when I called the Liberty Bell overrated it would lead to something like this. I can't believe they gave the damn thing to Bono. I mean, give it to like, Jimmy Rollins, sure, I can live with that. But Bono? (CNN actually had posted this headline last night at about 7:30 p.m.)

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September 27, 2007

Dock Street

Just joined the lovely Ginger for a little lunch at Dock Street Brewery (50th and Baltimore) and like whoa, the pizza there is off the chain. Get the BBQ chicken pizza, I'm telling you, peoples. The Pumpkin beer was pretty good too (No, I won't be sloppy at quizzo tonight, I only had one.) Then, because I was hanging with beer royalty (Ginger) I got to go back to the brewery and try out their coffee stoudt which they haven't put on tap yet. Delicious. I know the pizza hunt fizzled, but I still know my pizza, and trust me, this wood oven pizza is top notch.

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Phils notes: Look out, Mr. Met!

-Apparently in an effort to escape reality, Philly fans have taken to huffing nitrous in the parking lot. I did a nitrous balloon once in college, then went to a Phish show, because hey, there's no way you can watch that boring ass band without the help of illegal drugs. But the buzz wears off in like 30 seconds, and then you're just stuck watching a Phish show with less brain cells and all the boredom.

-When the Mets were up 6-2, I said, "If they blow this game, the Phils are gonna win the division." The Mets blew it, and I stand by my statement. I really think we could be seeing a 1964 type meltdown. I think there is a chance the Mets don't make the playoffs. Here's a little gem from Paul Lo Duca: “It seems to me we’re all waiting to lose. It better change quick or in five days we’re all going to be home for the winter. You can’t play the game that way. It’s like a broken record every game.”

-If you missed the video I posted yesterday, then be sure to watch before tonight's game to get fired up.

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September 26, 2007

Around the Horn, brought to you by the cast of 21 Jump Street

-Trivia Art in today's Metro.

-Me (briefly) in the Metro sports section today.

-Congrats Vesuvio! Their Cheesesteak BLT was named the best sandwich in America!

-This from Dan Gross's column: Atlanta Braves hurler John Smoltz and a pal lunched at City Tavern (138 S. 2nd) yesterday on artichoke and smoked chicken salad and a turkey pot pie. Hahaha! Smoltz ordered the Martha Washington Turkey Pot Pie, the biggest ripoff on the menu! I know, because I used to...um, uh, nevermind.

-I missed this the when it was on ESPN a while back, but saw it yesterday and it is awesome. An absolute must see for Philly sports fans. (The first minute is kind of slow, but after that it is awesome.)

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September 24, 2007

The birthday of one of the greatest ever

Today is the 111th birthday of one the true masters of the English language, F. Scott Fitzgerald. His short stories about the jazz age are, to me, as close as one can get to an actual time machine, and the skill he showed while crafting his first novel at age 24, This Side of Paradise, is astounding. And as far as I'm concerned, The Great Gatsby has only to compete with Huckleberry Finn as The Great American Novel. His real life was every bit as exciting and heartbreaking as the lives of the characters in his books. Here's some good places to go to read and learn more about this great writer:

-Here's a brief biography of F. Scott.

-One of his wonderful short stories, The Offshore Pirate.

-A fascinating look at F. Scott's wife, Zelda, who was the first lady of the Jazz Age, but who slipped slowly into insanity as she got older, and died in a mental institution.

-An interesting look at the rivalry that formed between Fitzgerald and Hemingway, as Hemingway became jealous of Fitzgerald's success, and blasted him repeatedly in print.

-A recent review of The Great Gatsby by Washington Post book critic Jonathon Yardley.

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September 21, 2007

THis weekend

Damn, not only is Biz Markie DJing tomorrow night at Fluid, but Reef the Lost Cauze is gonna be opening for Pharaoh Monch at the Troc. Slammin'! On top of that, several quizzo legends are celebrating birthdays this weekend. Rakim from the Axis of Evil Knieval and Chill Rob A from MAGMA both celebrate b-days. And Bob T.'s dream girl, the femme fatale known in quizzo circles as Smackdown (above,), turns the big 3-0. Happy birthday, all!

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September 20, 2007

Philly History is Fun!

-The history of the soft pretzel in Philly. (Skip the first paragraph, since the 2nd one just repeates it.)

-This one is more Pennsylvania history than Philly history, but still. It was on this day in 1737 that the Lenape Indians were swindled out of lots of land in Eastern Pennsylvania. Here's how they got hosed.

-A short write up about the Click Club, which was located at Palumbo's, the legendary South Philly club at 824 Catherine that burned down in 1994.

-Staying in South Philly, here's a little column on Ralph's, the 100+ year old Italian restaurant on 9th and Fitzwater.

Oh, and can someone explain the above photo to me? I've had a bit of a cold the last few days, so I might be a little groggy, but looks to me like their are two city halls in the photo, one with Billy Penn and one without. What am I missing here?

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The Donspiracist Presents: CIA Mind Control

I never would have agreed to the formulation of the Central Intelligence Agency back in forty-seven, if I had known it would become the American Gestapo.
~ Harry S Truman, 1961

I start off with this quote because this column is about the CIA's war on us, the American people. It all started, some say, with Operation Paperclip, a US government program to liberate scientists from Nazi Germany. These are the same Nazi scientists that worked in camps like Auschwitz, experimenting on prisoners as if they were lab animals. The official line on the project says it involved mostly specialists in rocketry, engineering, and physics, but the truth is more sinister. Mind control involving hypnosis and radiation have been proven techniques used by Nazi scientists, and MK-Ultra has its roots with these German scientists.
MK-Ultra was (is?) a top secret CIA program begun sometime in the late 1940's or early 1950's. The exact dates vary depending on the source. It evolved from an earlier project called Bluebird, that was started as a reaction to Russian brainwashing techniques. However, MK-Ultra went far beyond psychological warfare with our enemies. Sometime in the early 1950's, the experimental focus shifted to the unwitting American public.

The most famous association with MK-Ultra was its use of LSD and other hallucinogens. Ken Kesey participated in these experiments at the Veteran's Hospital in Menlo Park, California sometime around 1959-60. The experience not only gave him the inspiration for One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, but it also started him on his LSD journey, which is chronicled in Tom Wolfe's The Electric Kool Aid Acid Test. However, if that's all there was to the story--that secret government experiments lead to the flowering of 1960's drug culture--then there would be little point for this column.
Officially, MK-Ultra was ended in 1977. But many contend that was simply a spin move by the CIA to take attention off its deepening interest in complete control over human minds. The evidence has begun to emerge, primarily through survivors of the experiments, that suggests that the program still exists underground.
The most famous survivor is Kathy O'Brien, who wrote of her experience in Trance: Formation of America, co-authored with deprogrammer Mark Phillips. The book can be described as perhaps the oddest and most disturbing book I have ever read. Kathy's experiences involve many of our most recent presidents, most notably Ford, Reagan, George H.W. Bush, and Clinton, plus also notable figures like Dick Cheney and Senator Robert Byrd, who O'Brien claims was her "owner". Her story is a tale of mind control via drugs, hypnosis, shock therapy, electro-magnetic radiation, and neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), and her enslavement involved emotional, physical, verbal and sexual abuse of the most horrific kind.
Cathy claims to be a survivor of Monarch mind control programming, an off shoot of MK-Ultra, which controls humans by creating Multiple Personality Disorder. The process involves torture of young children, who disassociate from the trauma, thus creating alternate personalities, or "alters", which can handle such horrific things. Once programmed, the alters can be accessed through verbal triggers; on the surface, however, the main personality will look and act like anyone else.
I was particularly intrigued by O'Brien's revelations that popular children's stories, most notably The Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland, are often used to program children. One fascinating (and horrific) site explaining these techniques is this one. The site discusses how many suggest that L. Frank Baum, the author of the Oz series, was active in the occult, and how the books are used to program children at a very young age. Tin Man programming, for instance, is often mentioned by O'Brien. It attempts to create an alter that is basically a human machine, a human without a heart.
If even a fragment of Cathy O'Brien's story is true, the implications are staggering. It means that the world is not like we have been taught. It means that a real streak of evil is running through at least some of our elected officials. It means that slavery has not been eradicated, but has gone high tech and underground. But don't just take Cathy's word for it.
Brice Taylor, author of Starshine, says this: It is always hard for me to go back into this, it seems that no matter how many years go by, it is still very painful. There was trauma done in the form of being stuck with pins and needles, being burned, hung by my feet - sometimes to crosses, spun, dropped off a table as an infant, near drowning, sexual abuse and orgies, being drugged, food and sleep deprivation, and then adding to that when I was around five, was all of the military mind control that was done with very sophisticated instrumentation and chairs and electroshock ... That was all done to create a shattered psyche that I believe was used later for all these different personalities that were created for the mind control purpose .
There is also this survivor story: Mind-control survivor K. Sullivan has written an astounding book called MK, which describes the world of multiple personalities. To her credit, Sullivan has been able to reconstruct from her memories the actual mechanics and methodology of going from one altered state to another. A programmed assassin and sex slave, Sullivan says she was abused and raped by Robert Maxwell, Henry Kissinger, George Bush and Billy Graham, among others. One of her controllers was deceased CIA operative James Jesus Angleton, who has been widely regarded as a KGB and Mossad asset.
In a recent interview, Sullivan spoke about her background as a "family-generational slave" to the elite and about her stepfather, now deceased, who was initially her primary programmer. His cover was a church-going, upstanding citizen, a professional mechanical and systems engineer with a curious interest in robotics.
Even more interesting than that, there are the following videos from YouTube, which were taken during congressional testimony in 1995:
Link One: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=F-ES8Bv0_8w&mode=related&search
Link Two: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=eXDASDDrDkM&mode=related&search
Link Three: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=iflBkRlpRy0&mode=related&search

Most of us don't want this to be true because it violates our most basic beliefs about civilization, government and society. In order to keep ourselves sane, we need to believe that the monstrous is either conquerable, as in the case of Hitler, or is simply nothing more than myth or story designed to scare us, as in fairy tales. But the growing body of evidence coming out from survivors is remarkably consistent, and it suggests that the true horror of our world is not in our stories, but what is happening right under our noses.
MK-Ultra did exist. Monarch mind control is a real phenomenon. Irrefutable proof of the existence of both exists. But how widespread are they? And are they still going on? The answers to those questions fades in the paper trail that largely was destroyed in the mid-1970's. Do we believe the survivors? Or do we simply label them as disturbed, deranged, crazy? Do we simply accuse them of false memory syndrome and go back to our sane, civilized, decent lives? I don't know about you, but this stuff gives me nightmares. And I'm not normally prone to those.

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September 19, 2007

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. I highly suggest pirate team names tonight at quizzo. In the meantime, find out what your pirate name is. Mine is Mad Tom Vane. And so you know what your working with, I highly recommend that you watch the Pirate convention.

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September 18, 2007

Feedback on Overrated/Underrated Column

I've gotten some interesting feedback on the overrated/underrated column I did last week for the Metro. Almost immediately, I got an email from the Rangers at the Independence Park: As park rangers at Independence National Historical Park, we feel you are mistaken in under rating the Liberty Bell. While we acknowledge that the bell does not work, a few months ago you stated the bell brought you to tears. What happened to those sentiments? The bell is not important because it is old and cracked. Rather, the bell is important because it has been used throughout history to make society better for everyone. It is okay the bell does not ring, because what you hear you forget. What you see you remember. What you experience, you understand! OK, I have to admit that it is pretty awesome that the guys who look over the bell are this passionate about it. That is extremely kool.

My grandmom also wasn't real happy about my treatment of the bell: Sweetheart, The Liberty Bell is not supposed to work; you know it is a reminder FOR THE TIME WHEN IT DID WORK...I thought you liked History. What happened between you and the Liberty Bell?

The Metro also got a letter from a reader who said this: How can anything that stands for the struggle of freedom and liberty in our nation and across the world ever be overrated? I don't think you truly understand the meaning behind this symbol...Anyone that would think of this symbol of the struggle for liberty and freedom, (from slavery to womens suffrage to WWI, WWII, the Civil Rights Movement and beyond), is underrated obviously takes for granted the hard work of generations before us.

OK, in my defense: underrating the Liberty Bell because it doesn't work was a joke. As many of you know from my earlier column, I am a big fan of the Liberty Bell. Me and the Liberty bell are totally kool. In fact, who is this calling me now? Why, it's my good friend the Liberty Bell!

To see JGT get ripped by Holly of Hollyeats, click below.

On to the cheesesteak. I got slammed on egullet by Holly of the excellent food website, hollyeats.com. He writes: This whole "icky cheesesteak served by mean person" thing is getting rather tiresome. If one can not handle the wiz and the attitude, go home and make a bologna and mayonaise sandwich on Wonder Bread.

Fair criticism, but I still think that Pat's needs to step their game up. I have never been a big fan of Geno's, and after the owner embarrassed the city last summer, I swore the place off forever. But Pat's used to be excellent, and the last couple of times it hasn't been as good. As for my bologna and Mayonnaise sandwich on Wonder bread, it is way underrated.

I also got the following haiku from a reader named Beth, who was displeased with my cheesesteak mention:
Philly fills my heart.
Cheesesteaks fill my arteries.
I love them, fiercely.

Excellent work, Beth. Be sure to stay tuned. The 3rd annual JGT Haiku contest is right around the corner!

Finally, PalestraJon actually got a little love from PhillyMag blogger AJ Daulerio for his entry in the overrated/underrated comments section. Btw, the blog Daulerio is doing for Philly Mag is actually hip and fun, making it seem so...un-Philly Maggish.

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The Jackass had it coming

Sorry, but I can't say that I'm all that upset about that douchebag that got tasered at the John Kerry speech. He was an obnoxious ass who kept running from the cops and then screaming "What am I doing?" You're resisting arrest, dumbass. Now take your medicine. ZAP! I'm just hoping that we can hire those cops who have no patience for douchebags to start patrolling Manaynk.

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Don't WOrry! He's Safe!

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Rumors were bandied about that K-Fed was going to be assassinated, but apparently this so called killer was no Gavrilo Princip. Hell, he was not even a Leon Czolgosz. Listen to me, potential killer, and listen real good: You lay one finger on Kevin, and it's going to be you and me, bub. And trust me, you don't want that. Not at all. You are Playing With Fire, Buster. Playing With Fire.
UPDATE: Suspect named! (NSFW due to cussin')

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September 17, 2007

Reef the Lost Cauze on ESPN tonight

A great song by impressive local rapper Reef the Lost Cauze called The Sound of Philadelphia will be played tonight on ESPN Monday Night Countdown. Peep it! 7 p.m. tonight on ESPN.
RELATED: The Sound of Philadelphia.
We respect guns, we respect funds
Let's face it..my future don't look like the Jetsons

Brilliant line.
RELATED: Speaking of rap, the Diabolical Biz Markie DJs Saturday at Fluid. I am so there. And while Just a Friend is still a fun song, it's no Vapors.

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The weekend

Alright, alright, I'm working on the week in review now. I know, I know, but the first fall weekend was great for napping, not for getting work done. So I laid on the couch and watched football and baseball essentially all weekend (best game: Alabama vs. Arkansas). And I went to King Tut. It was pretty good but I think it's lame when, after you've already paid $32.50, they charge you $6 for a set of headsets, so you appear either a) cheap if you don't get them or b) anti-social if you do. I think you guys know which choice I went with. Oh, come on, not because I'm cheap, because I'm social. And when the whole image of King Tut is that headdress thing, and that is even what they are advertising it with, it is a bit disappointing when that thing is nowhere to be seen.

Also went bowling on Saturday. Much better deal than King Tut. Ten bucks all you can bowl, though you do have to deal with a lot more hipsters than you have to deal with at Tut (I think me and the Sofa Kingdom guys were the only people there without tattoos, ironic eyewear, and painted on jeans). More importantly, I bowled my best game in years, a 133. I was pretty psyched about that. And, having matured in the last 6 months, there were no a) keg stands or b) temper tantrums. A very grown up performance by me.

In sports, I will be talking about the Phils this afternoon. And my fantasy team played against Carson Palmer this week, and he outscored my entire team.
ALSO: Will you people freaking vote already? Seriously, only 47 votes, and 11 of those are Steve O. voting for himself.

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September 14, 2007

Bowling on Saturday

Well, the Mission 300 crew is back at it; after all the mission for a 300 has thus far been a failure, though there has been a lot of fun in trying to get the perfect game. Anyways, bowling in South Philly on Saturday night, and all you can drink for $10? Easily the best deal in town. And I know how cheap you people are (not me. I'll be arriving at the bowling alley after ordering a "Biggie Size" meal at Le Bec Fin). If you wanna guarantee a spot, click here and order from our friends over at Badminton Stamps. Tix online are $10, they're $15 at the door. Details are as follows:
St. Monica's Parish
16th and Shunk
10 p.m.-???

MIssion 300 On Myspace
RELATED: JGT goes bowling, and gives a short history lesson about the sport.
RELATED: Mission 300 gets some love from Philly Weekly.

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First off, this is kind of gory, so you probably don't wanna watch from work. But the Nike commercial with Stephen Jackson got me totally fired up about the movie the music came from, Last of the Mohicans. I watched it for the first time when I was a freshman in college with the girl I was dating at the time, Nikki Santos (her current status: married w/ three kids). A couple of summers later, me and two of my buddies on the Shore, Rob and Pete, hung out just about every night and drank cold beverages on a dock at a place called Red Bank. Then, before calling it a night, we'd swing by Pete's place and watch the final ten minutes of this movie, because they were so badass. We must have watched it 40 times, and we were all three in love with Jodhi May (the one on the cliff). Yeah, boring story, I know, but the bottom line is, if you haven't watched Last of the Mohicans yet, I highly recommend it. Oh, and Magua is one of the most underrated bad guys ever.

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September 13, 2007

Around the Horn, brought to you by Phillies fans at last nights game

-This is AWESOME. You can try to hold farcical "closed door public meetings", but in the end, Democracy rules! Ok, fine, in the end big money rules, but being a dreamer has its perks.

-You know what the terrorists need? Better logos.

-If a head falls in the woods, and no-one is around to hear it fall...

-No sooner do I call Donovan McNabb underrated than the Onion goes with this story.

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September 12, 2007

What we learned last week

1. When Israel's first president died in 1952, this man was offered the position, but turned it down.
2. Australia, Brazil, and New Zealand all have this constellation on their national flags.
3. What state capital is named after a German chancellor?
4. Who was shot and killed William McKinley by on this date in 1901?
5. The title of what play do essentially all performers consider unlucky to say at the theatre

Answers and interesting facts about each after the jump.

1. Albert Einstein. Here's a brief Time article from 1952 about the offer. Einstein gave a great answer as to why he couldn't do it: "I have neither the natural ability nor the experience to deal with human beings."
2. Southern Cross. Here's what those flags look like.
3. Bismarck. The city was named after the chancellor in 1873, in an effort to attract German settlers. The campaign was unsuccessful, but gold was found the next year, bringing plenty of people to the city.
4. Leon Czolgosz. The anarchist, who was 28 at the time of the assassination (and keep in mind, this was the third presidential assassination in 36 years), is obviously nowhere near as infamous as Oswald or Booth. Here's some more info about the crime, the trial, and his execution.
5. Macbeth. In theatre circles, it is merely called "The Scottish play." Here is some background on why it is unlucky.

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September 11, 2007

In defense of Britney

It seems that everyone is buzzing about what a terrible performance Britney put on the other night. And it was pretty awful. But what is all this talk about how "fat" she looked? This from the AP: Out-of-synch lip-synching. Lethargic movements that seemed choreographed by a dance instructor for a nursing home. The paunch in place of Spears' once-taut belly. The New York Post's headlines read, "Lard and Clear". “The bulging belly she was flaunting was SO not hot,” wrote E! Online. Well, forgive Britney for looking like an actual human being. I happen to think that actual human women are attractive, and I am not really all that attracted to women who look like they're addicted to heroine or who have washboard stomachs that look like they belong to a young male athlete. So the AP and E! calls a healthy looking mother of two fat, and then in a few weeks they'll run a story trying to figure out why so many young girls have eating disorders. (Speaking of pathetic, how about the fact that this is the 2nd time I've discussed Britney this week, and it's only Tuesday?)

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September 10, 2007

The Weekend

OK, so I went to a Fringe play on Friday with buddy and fellow Metro scribe Bruce. We saw "Hearts of Man" which was about this guy who tries to pick up kids in a chat room and about how his lawyers and the prosecutors handle the case. It was like a bad Law and Order episode. So then we went and got Happy Hour Margarita's at the Mexican Post. That was followed by a trip to the Bards where I watched the Phils lose and then to a party hosted by a member of a member of Narcotyzing Dysfunktion. A fine time was had by all.

Saturday was spent recovering from Friday and winning a game of Rat a Tat Cat. Rat a Tat Cat is my jam. If anyone would like to become a better Rat a Tat Cat player, please let me know. I am thinking about teaching a Rat a Tat Cat class.

And then there was Sunday and the Eagles game. Watched it with the Sofa Kingdom crew. Needless to say it was a disappointment. It was the first time that I can say with a straight face that if I had been returning punts for the Philadelphia Eagles, they would not have lost the game. The loss was compounded by a loss at RISK, as, after 6 1/2 hours of play (seriously, 6 1/2 hours), Nate dominated the world. Oh well, at the least the Phils won 2 of 3. And oh, Trivia Art was at Lambeau yesterday and is at Wrigley today. Pretty sweet.

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Quick Notes

-Have a meeting at ten, so I'll post photos in a couple of hours.

-Got a great text message from Rakim of the Axis of Evil Knieval yesterday: "I wouldn't let Greg Lewis return a phone call." I then sent out this text message as soon as the game was over: "The Eagles special teams: The Phillies bullpen of football."

-There was only one person who could take the spotlight off Britney's bomb (There is no question that my famous dance number was more electrifying than this) last night, and that would be the greatest rapper who ever lived...Kid Rock. He got in a fight with Tommie Lee and was arrested. This is totally going to win Pamela back. Trust me. You want an ex-girlfriend back? Just beat up another one of her ex-boyfriends. Women love it.

-It looks like big things are happening soon. Stay tuned.

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September 7, 2007

Arond the Horn, brought to you by Piston Honda

-Jimmy Rollins has his case for MVP made in Sports Illustrated. However, it's a poorly written article, to be honest. J-Roll will not get MVP. This team will not make the playoffs, and there is no way that a choking, underachieving team is going to be awarded for a 2nd straight year with an MVP.

-We're gonna start voting for best sequel on Monday.

-You know what I'm sick of? These iphone whiners who are complaining b/c Apple cut the price of the iphone. You see, resourceful (read: cheap) people like myself have made the fairly obvious observation that high technology always comes way down in price quickly (see ipods, HDTVs, computers, everything, etc.) and waited patiently for this to happen. Quit whining. You knew it too. You just wanted to be the first kid in town with a new toy, and you paid $200 extra dollars for that status. Hope it's working out for you.

-It was on this date in 1978 that one of the most James Bond murders ever occurred. A Bulgarian dissident named Georgi Markov was shot at a bus stop...with an umbrella.

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September 6, 2007

The Read a Book Controversy

The video for Read a Book (NOT SAFE FOR WORK AT ALL! Lots of cussing) is stirring up a lot of controversy, and a lot of people are calling it racist. I find it interesting that no-one considers rap videos encouraging the murder of other African Americans racist, but that a rap calling for people for buying land instead of rims is. And God forbid a rap video actually be thought provoking. Watch the CNN "journalist", who certainly never questioned Bush this hard in the leadup to a freaking war, attack the creators of the video (And Here is part 2). It is incredible how clueless this journalist is. Does he not understand the irony that if they had just simply done a normal song about reading, they would have never appeared on CNN? BET should have played it at night instead of the daytime, but other than that, I think that it is an excellent satire of how despicable and ignorant hip hop music has become. Here is the rapper's website. And here is an excellent column about the video.

As you probably know, I coach a lot of young African American children. Trust me, most of what they listen to and see on TV is a hell of a lot more offensive than this. And I am qute confident that 12 year olds understand sarcasm and satire.

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September 5, 2007

Around the Horn, brought to you by the Birthday boy!

-I saw a picture of Natalie Portman and I thought she had a log neck, so then I started thinking about the women in Myanmar who wear neck rings. So I looked them up, and it turns out that their necks aren't elongated at all, because that is impossible. It just pushes their clavicles down.

-Jessica Pressler, who is probably most famous (or infamous) in Philly for the renowned 6th Burrough article, is moving to, where else, Brooklyn. I don't know what number borough that is, but as a fan of almost all of the stories she's written (minus one, ahem), I wish her the best of luck.

-This is great: The Dallas Stars dropped the gloves and took a shot at the NBA referee scandal as part of its campaign to sell seats for the 2007-08 season. A billboard near the American Airlines Center, the building the Stars share with the Dallas Mavericks, carries the message: "The only thing we shave is the ice."

-On the Road was published on this date 50 years ago. I can honestly say that the book heavily influenced my decision to move to Hawaii. Here is the famous NYT review when the book was released.

-Happy 32nd, Rod!

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September 4, 2007

Headin' on back

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Yo peeps. I'm kicking it in Salisbury, working on my column. Then I'll finish the trip to Philly. Pretty good weekend at home, though I extended my "never making out with a bridesmaid at a wedding" streak. It was my step-sisters wedding, and it was a lot of fun. I spent the next day recovering from my hangover (I caught no women, but I caught a pretty good buzz). Labor Day, I just chilled out on my sisters beach, then we had some fresh crabs for dinner (that's my uncle and my dad emptying the crab pot, above). Then I went to a buddies house and recorded a rap song. It's dope. Hopefully, you'll hear it before too long. I'll post pics of winners as soon as I finish my Metro column.

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August 31, 2007

Max Headroom takes over

Have you guys heard of Mx Headroom pirating telelvision in the late 80s? This is wild. It interfered with a showing of Dr. Who. The fake Headroom also interfered with a sportscast earlier that day. No-one has ever figured out who did it.

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August 29, 2007

Things we learned last week

1) This Lost Boys star helped Sandra Bullock slow down an out of control cruise ship in Speed 2: Cruise Control. Who is he?
Jason Patric; there are apparently plans for a Speed 3. I am not kidding. In this one, they have to keep roller blading at least 15 miles an hour or their brains will explode. It will also star Sophia Coppola and Hulk Hogan.

2) This man's mistress, Lucy Mercer, was at his side when he died of a cerebral hemorrhage.
FDR. Here's a little background, and that is a photo of her above. FDR apparently not a big fan of attractive women.

3) What was Jimi Hendrix's only Billboard top 40 hit?
All Along the Watchtower. Here he sings it live.

4) What brand of soft drink was invented in Waco, Texas, in 1885?
Dr. Pepper. It has 23 secret ingredients, all of them gross. Here's a brief history of how Dr. Pepper got started.

5) Eastern Tennessee delared itself an independant state in 1784, but this idea was shot down by Congress a year later. What was this pseudo state named?
Franklin. Here's a history of the pseudo state.

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Around the Horn, brought to you by Malia

08-31-2007 002 (Custom).jpg
-Please buy Kanye West's album when it is released on September 11th. Gangster hack 50 Cent has promised to retire if Kanye's album outsells his, and 50 Cent retiring would be great for music and for America. He is a worthless, mindless moron and absolute HACK rapper. Kanye West, on the other hand, is intelligent and extremely talented, both as a rapper and producer.

-Stop the presses! Philly Mag has got the cover story the others couldn't get! Children on the Main Line are spoiled! Holy s***! I had no idea! Thank you for this important investigation! Otherwise we would have never known! Next month, I think the cover story should be about how people who live on the Main Line have money. Or maybe one on this new trend called "Fantasy football". (That being said, the article about Craig Laban vs. Chops is pretty good.)

-Happy birthday, Aaron Rowand! Welcome to your 30s! It's kind of like your 20s, except without all the fun!

-This is just too ridiculous, but it will make your day.

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August 28, 2007


The lovely Ginger and I had sort of fallen out of touch lately. We've both been pretty busy, and she's been "going steady" with Lance Romance for like 7 months now. And you know how it is when one friend gets into a serious relationship, you just don't see them as much. So we hadn't really hung out in a few months.

Then, last night, a disaster. As I prepared to meet another friend for dinner (went to Uzu, a fairly good sushi place in Old City), I got a splinter in my foot. It hurt like heck, but even worse, it made me feel kind of lonely. I usually revel in my singleness, but getting a splinter is cause for wishing a woman was there who could help me get it out and listen to me pout about how bad it hurt and then tell me how brave I was being if I didn't cry. I tried and I tried to get it myself, to no avail. Finally I went to dinner, grumpy and in pain.
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After another difficult self-operation this morning, I realized that I was never gonna get it out myself, and I knew that there was only one person in Philadelphia who knew me well enough to operate on my foot: Ginger. She came right over, and after a half hour of anguish and pain, the cursed splinter was removed. And now I feel good as new. All thanks to Ginger! She's more than a lovely co-host, she's a lifesaver!
RELATED: Johnny and Ginger go to Camden.

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Philly Style Mag: Have you heard about this 'fantasy football"?

So I'm bitching about Philly Style Mag to Trivia Art yesterday, as I see that they have an article about this new phenomenon known as "Fantasy Football" in their City Life section: "Prevailing at this game requires drafting the best team possible...and playing them in a virtual competition against the teams assembled by family members, friends, or co-workers." Really? You don't say! Competing in a virtual "Fantasy" football game against friends and co-workers? How unique, and I would have never heard of it if not for your magazine! Hey, next month you guys should have an article in City Life that begins, "Bread is often used on what many people are calling 'the sandwich'." Anyways, I try to explain this to Trivia Art, and he says, "I can't say anything bad about them, they called me 'culinary crack'." It's a damn shame.

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Around the Horn, Brought to you by Hammerman

-When I saw that a Senator had been arrested for lewd conduct in a bathroom, before I opened the story, I said to Trivia Art, "I'm betting Republican." Right again. Are there any Republicans in Washington who, while campaigning on Family Values and anti-gay marriage, aren't trying to pick up men in bathrooms? I mean, keep in mind, two big name Republicans have been caught trying to pick up men in restrooms in the last two months. Can you imagine how many have gotten away with it? Is David Vitter the only straight Republican in Washington?

-What in the holy hell is going on with the bees? Is it you, with yor fancy cellphone?

-Good debate about patriotism going on in the comments section under the Donspiracists column. Feel free to join.

-It's a bird, it's a plane, it's Hammerman!!!

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August 27, 2007

Today is my birthday, and my father says I can have anything I want!

Today is the birthday of the star of my favorite movie ever recorded. No, not Francis...Pee Wee Herman turns 55! Pee Wee's Big Adventure continues to serve as an inspiration for me. A story of following ones dreams, of finding true love, and of inspiring others. Here's hoping you get what you want for your birthday, Pee Wee!

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Uh, Hello, is this thing on?

It's 1:30 p.m., and you guys have combined to answer one question?

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August 24, 2007

Final Thoughts

Couldn't do the Week in Review because I am in the midst of a super-secret project that is going to be totally awesome and take this jawn to the next level. I'll have the Review up manana. But in the meantime:

-Great cover stories in both the Philadelphia Weekly and City Paper this week. This is YOUR city. What are you doing to make it a better place?

-You know how I love Reef Tha Lost Cause's tunes. This weekend, I'm hoping to see him live at the Khyber. Saturday night, 9 pm. Who's in?

-Trivia Art wants to know: Who has the best nachos in the city?

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Around the Horn, broght to you by Lucia

-Sunday is the last day to get your sequels in, so get 'em done.

-Stephen A. Smith gets demoted by the Inky. Hallelujah! A talentless hack who couldn't write his way out of a paper bag, I really hope he quits and gets out of this city.

-It was on this date in 79 AD that Vesuvius erupted and buried Pompeii, killing everyone, even the hookers. But the Best Little Whorehouse in Pompeii is still there!

-Mmmm, Fast Fixins Frozen Chicken Strips. Now with mercury and shards of glass!

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August 23, 2007


Holy Freaking Cow! Just got an astounding message from Smackdown: American Gladiators is coming back! That's right, NBC is putting together a new season of Gladiators! God Bless you NBC! And NBC, do me this favor: Please, Please bring back Malibu, I don't care how old and out of shape he is now.

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Around the Horn, brought to you by Wilt the Stilt in Conan the Destroyer

-Here's Entertainment Weekly's list of the actual worst sequels ever.

-Rangers, who had struck out 30 tomes and scored two runs in their previous two games, beat the Orioles, 30-3. The best part was that the Orioles at one point had a 3-0 lead.

-This is pretty awesome. 59 year old playing on a college football team. Which reminds me, I have four years of eligibility left...

-Damn, I swear all the great concerts happen on Thrsdays, when I gotta work. Tonight, G. Love and Special Sauce at Penn's Landing.

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August 22, 2007

Things we learned last week

Here's a few questions from last weeks quizzo, with a little more background info on the answers:
1) Rainey Bethea was executed on August 14, 1936. What made his execution unique in the United States?
A: He was the last person executed publicly. The reason we haven't done it again is because it didn't go so well. The hangman was wasted.

2) What fighter on Mike Tyson's Punchout hailed from Philadelphia?
A: Mr. Sandman. If you really wanna waste 2 minutes of your life, watch this uber-nerd get beat up by Mr. Sandman. Eerily compelling.

3) One of the worst movies ever made was also one of 1998s most lucrative. It's tagline was, "For Love. For Honor. For Mankind".
A: Armageddon. Here was Roger Eberts review of this tripe.

4) What religion runs the "Psychiatry: A History of Death Museum"?
A: Scientology. Yes, this museum actually exists. Here is a video tour of the museum. To be honest, this museum looks freaking awesome.

5) Who did Elvis meet with on December 21, 1970 to express his contempt for the drug culture, and producing one of the most amazing photos ever?
A: Richard Nixon. Here's that photo and a little background on it.

6) Hugh Beaumont is best known for playing what character on TV?

A: Ward Cleaver. After leaving the show he became a Christmas tree salesman. Hugh Beaumont rules.

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Around the Horn, brought to you by Erin Gray

-It was 96 years ago today that the French noticed something. "Hey, wasn't there a picture of a lady where that empty frame is now?" Except they said it in French: "Perdon moi, parlez vous un pictorio de femme en la framerie?"

-Here's the latest from Trivia Art. Did he really think that the Independence Brew Pub was helping us get ahead at anything?

-If I ever rubbed an old lamp and a genie popped out, I'd wish for the same thing I woulda wished for as a kid: a time machine. (Of course, if I ever rubbed an old lamp, I'd probably just get a hand rash.) Anyways, scientists are saying that time travel will be possible in the future. But wait, if time travel is possible in the future, why aren't any of those time travelers here now? They probably all went to the 20s, when the booze was flowin' and the girls were easy.

-Hey, Philly just won an honorable mention for best tasting tap water! Get that ticker tape ready, it's time to celebrate!

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August 20, 2007

Happy B-Day Steve-O!

Happy birthday to Philadelphia underground legend Steve O (above, with Fabio). The Andy Reid impersonator/piano maestro/quizzo host/comedian/damn good guy turns 24 today. Or something close to that. His plans to celebrate? Playing quizzo at Dark Horse tonight. Steve also celebrated early by winning twice at quizzo last week. Go ahead and holla atcha boy Steve on Myspace or drop him best birthday wishes in the comments below. Steve, my birthday gift to you: I'm replacing Lionel Richie with you on my Myspace Top 12!

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ANybody wanna play their ipod this week?

I'm getting kind of tired of the songs on my iPod and was wondering if anyone wanted to play some of their tunes at quizzo this week. If you are interested, shoot me an email (johnnygoodtimes@hotmail.com) and let me know at which quizzo you wanna DJ at. First come first serve. Word.

Posted at 3:38 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Junk Mail can be fun!

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So I got one of those "My late husband sent me a ton of money and I need to give some of it to you, complete stranger" emails yesterday, and being it was a rainy Sunday, I decided to respond (that's the passport she sent me, above). Here was the initial email, with my response after the jump. She actually wrote back to me today! If I do decide to contact her lawyer, I'll let you know. Oh, and I hope you will follow her advice to "always be prayerful".

Dear Beloved,

Glory to God in heaven. My name is Mrs. Anne Marie Joubert from South Africa. I am married to Mr. Abraham Benjamin Joubert, who is a mechanical engineer worked with shell petroleum company for many years before he died in 2004. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.

Before his death we were both born again Christians. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited a total sum of $10.5 Million ( Ten Million, Five Hundred Thousand U.S.Dollars) with a security and finance company in Europe.

Presently, this money is still under the safe keeping of the reserve company. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next seven months due to my cancer problems. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke. Having known my condition, I decided to donate this fund to church or better still a Christian individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want a church or God fearing individual that will use this fund on, orphanages and widows propagating the word of God and give help to mankind. The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that givet.

I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband's hard earned money to be misused by unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner. Hence the reason for taking this bold decision.

I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health condition and the presence of my husband's relatives around me always. I don't want them to know about this development.

With God all things are possible. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful all through your any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a church or Christian individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. Hoping to hear from you as soon as possible.

Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.
Yours in Christ, Read Hebrews13:15v16 New Living Translation
Mrs. Anne Marie Joubert.

After the break, Johnny responds.

Dear Anne Marie,

Praise Jesus, Hosannah in the highest. I am sorry to hear about your husbands death and can totally understand why you want to keep the money away from your husbands family. As a disciple of Christ, I hate to talk poorly of others, but your husband's family's heathen ways are certainly a cause for concern.

Wow, cancer PLUS a stroke? That sounds rough. I am amazed that you were able to find the strength to write me that email. What a brave and strong woman you are! I am sure you get that strength from your Lord and Savior, Jesus. With him, all things are possible, even if you have cancer and a stroke. But I can understand why you don't want phone calls. Jabbin all day will sap the strength right out of you, especially with cancer and a stroke.

Anyways, I work with orphans. Blind orphans. And boy could we use the money! It's funny that I heard from you today. Last night, before I went to bed, I clasped my hands together and I said, "Lord, please send us some money. Please send some money to our poor little orphanage." And damn if you didn't send me that email within 24 hours! This is what I like to call, "One of the Lord's many miracles." It's like when Jesus turned the water into wine coolers. Except you and I, we're gonna turn these filthy blind orphans into clean blind orphans! It will also give us the money to pay our lawyers after last years "incident" at the orphanage (Not my fault!).

Now, what do you need from me? Social Security number? Credit card number? What? You name it, you got it! I know I can trust you; I can feel the strength of the baby Jesus in your words. And don't give up on that cancer and stroke. I'll be praying to Jesus every night for you to get better. Last night, I prayed for a kind heart like yours, and it came true. So I'm sure the Lord is gonna reward me if I pray for your cancer and stroke to go away! (But if you do die from your cancer and stroke, I hope we get the money.)

Let's get this thing going!

Yours in Christ,

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Around the Horn, brought to you by Space Invaders

-This is hilarious. Top 10 streaking videos of all time. To be honest, the ones rated 1-4 are the lamest, but the first six videos are priceless. More silly than offensive, but probably not safe for work.

-Bill Moyers, one of the few television journalists with any cojones, talks about Karl Rove's legacy.

-I care about you guys. I really do. That's why I want you to hold your right hand up and make the following pledge: "No matter how drunk I get, I will never, NEVER, climb inside a bear cage."

-Dick Cheney can tell the future!

-The Phillies "Quest to miss the wild card by one game" got a shot in the arm yesterday, as the Phils pulled defeat from the jaws of victory and blew a four run lead for the 2nd straight game against the worst team in the National League. I'd like to reiterate a guarantee I made months ago: The Phils will be tied for the wild card lead going into the final series of the season, then will lose two of three to the Nationals and miss it by one game.

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Pics of last weeks winners

Gonna throw the pics of last weeks winners up. Yesterday was Coco Chanels birthday, so this weeks topic will be Cocoa. One Guess per person. No cheating!

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August 17, 2007

James Dresnok, North Korean Defector

Here's the 60 Minutes story on Dresnok defecting to North Korea. To see part two, click here.

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Constitution Center Quizzo...Tonight

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The final Constitution Center Quizzo is tonight at 6:30 p.m. If the weather is nice, we'll do it out on the deck. Quizzo is free with Museum admission. Each member of the winning team gets a $20 gift certificate to the Stephen Starr restaurant of their choice. 'm not expecting a huge crowd, so this is a good chance to a victory. And yes, they will be serving alcohol. See ya there!

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Around the Horn, brought to you by the Shore Natives

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-In the photo above are my parents, whose team finished third last night at the Good Dog, and my friend Shannon, who just coincidentally was in Philly as well on a work assignment. She and I were good friends in elementary, middle and high school. No, we never dated. What part of "I was a loser in high school" do you not understand? She now lives in Baton Rouge.

-The Metro has a new Eagles blog. It's pretty good.

-The Lovely Ginger has started her own blog. How did I find out? Not because she told me, the guy who gave her big break in the blogging industry. Oh noooooooooo. I found out because Foobooz linked to her yesterday. Ginger and I are officially in a fight. I may need a new co-host for Quizzo Bowl 4.

-I received the following text message from Smackdown last night, who was playing in an Rock Paper Scissors tourney: I just won my RPS round...and they called out that I was your friend. Everyone booed! I think that making myself the most hated man on the Philadelphia RPS circuit may be my greatest accomplishment. As Reggie Jackson said, "Fans don't boo nobodies."

-Show at Medusa is still on for Saturday night at 7 p.m., and it's gonna be a good show, but I'm off the bill. My folks are in town, and I don't wanna have to be gretting ready for stuff all three nights they are here. Still gonna be good though, with Chip headlining.

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O'Neals on Sunday

They're going to be raising money at O'Neals this Sunday with their "Get in the Pink" event on Sunday from 12-5, raising money for the Breast Cancer 3 day walk. Press release after the jump.

Please join O'Neals Saloon for our 1st ever Get in The Pink! Fundraiser supporting Kelly's Warriors as they embark on the Breast Cancer 3- Day Walk! We encourage you to wear pink and come enjoy great food and drinks, pink ribbons and raffles. This is a day for family and friends…and giving.

Drink Specials: $2.50 Lite and Lager bottles, $4 Pink Lemonade Cocktails

Raffle Drawings will be at 4pm! Tickets are 10 for $10. These prizes will tickle you pink! Dinners, gym memberships, tanning, tattoos, gift baskets, and more! There will also be a 50/50 Raffle. Tickets are $5 an arm length/$10 a wing span.

O'Neals is sponsoring this event in memory of our dear friend Kelly Pomrinke. Sadly, Kelly lost her battle with cancer in November 2006 - but not before she walked and finished the 3-day in October and showed us all what being a warrior really means.

Please join us not only to honor Kelly but to carry on her passion by doing our small part to battle against breast cancer. We walk to help find the cure and we know that Kelly is with us in spirit.

The Breast Cancer 3-Day is a 60-mile walk over the course of three days. Net proceeds benefit the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation and the National Philanthropic Trust, funding important breast cancer research, education, screening, and treatment.

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August 16, 2007


It was 30 years ago today that the King passed away. I'll be playing lots of Elvis tonight at quizzo.

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Can You Smell What the Scorpion King Is Cooking wins Franklin INstitute Science Spectacular

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Can You Smell What the Scorpion King is Cooking pulled off a victory at the Franklin Institute on Friday night, edging Osirus's Minions, 91-86. But the real story was the melt down of the 3d place team, Duck Butter. Featuring Trivia Art, Smackdown, and D-Mac, the Butter had a perfect score going into the final round, but only answered 4 correctly in round four to finish with an 84, out of the money. The next museum quizzo will be this friday at the Constitution Center at 6:30 p.m.. Be there!

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Happy Birthday Bukowski

Happy Birthday Charles Bukowski! I miss most people's birthdays, but seem to always remember his, and give him a shout out every year.

For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us. -C.B.

Here's some more of his stuff.

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August 15, 2007

Dutch Talks to Lizards

In case any of you were wondering if Dutch had come to his senses, the answer is Not At All. Go here if you wanna hear what he said. Or you can read it here.

Dutch says he talks to lizards. I remember when I was like 6 and I told my neighbor that my dog had said my name. My mom was pissed. I'm not sure why. Probably because she didn't want her neighbors to know how dumb her son was.

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Around the Horn, Brought to you by the world's awesomest retirement home

-So I'm reading about Edna Parker, the world's new oldest woman, because, um, that's what I do, and I came across this: Parker lives in the same retirement center as Sandy Allen, the tallest woman in the world. Sadly, Sandy is not married to Mark Eaton. Anyways, some old Japanese lady died (tragically) and left Edna as the world's oldest person. USA! USA! USA! USA!

-Here's Trivia Art's latest for the Metro.

-Umpires love white pitchers. Man, can you imagine how bad Adam Eaton would be if he was black or Japanese?

-Happy Birthday, Napoleon Bonaparte! And what in the hell happened to your penis? (Word on the street is, Napoleon was no Rasputin, if you catch my drift.)

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August 14, 2007

Little Brother

A great underground hip hop group performing manana at Johnny Brenda's. I saw Little Brother a couple of years ago open for Blackalicious, and they were fantastic. They are a rare commodity in modern rap: a combination of smart and funny, and they actually realize that there are other words besides "Bitches" and "riches" that rhyme. Of course, that type of intelligence is punished by the rap community and BET owner Bob Johnson:
Almost 2 years ago, Little Brother's video, "Lovin It" was banned from BET due to the program director saying that the song was too intellectual for the station's 12-19 year old African American female demographic. As a result, the Atlantic recording trio, Little Brother got the cold shoulder from the network for not having dumbed down content, which resulted in their anticipated debut lp, The Minstrel Show not seeing it's full potential, due to no promotion.
-From Streethop.com

Anyways, Little Brother is playing Wednesday night at Johnny Brenda's at 9:30 p.m.. I highly recommend attending. Oh, and here's some pretty hilarious stuff on their Myspace about Mike Tyson's Punchout being racist.

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August 13, 2007

Around the Horn, brought to you by the Whisper 2000

-This exchange between Mike Schmidt and Harry the K over the weekend is pretty amazing. "I've been beating the hell out of my wife pretty regularly."

-White House dumps Rove, picks up Ripken. Now we just need to convince Bush to drop Cheney and acquire Eddie Murray.

-Merv Griffin passed away. This gives us a great opportunity to show Kramer taking over the set of the Merv Griffin Show.

-David Lee Roth has rejoined Van Halen, and they are scheduled to appear in Philly on October 1. Oh Man, I hope this also means Roth is gonna be coming out with the movie Crazy From the Heat II: Even Crazier. The odds of Roth and Eddie Van Halen still being on speaking terms come October 1 are roughly 1,000,000,000 to 1.

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August 10, 2007

Sad News

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I have extremely sad news to pass along. Rob Schiller, the captain of the renowned Champs team (on the right, holding the money), passed away yesterday. He was best known in the quizzo community for hosting quizzo at Rembrandt's, and for being one of the biggest (and funniest) smack talkers on the local quizzo circuit. He was a consumate jokester, a man of my own heart, always trying to bring the spirit of the wrestling world into quizzo. (He also had the smarts to back it up, as his team is well known for being one of the best in the city.) He demanded that his team enter to theme music before the past two Quizzo Bowls, and revelled in the cacophony of boos that rained down upon he and the rest of his teammates as he held his hands to the sky and then snagged french fries off unsuspecting people's plates. About the stolen food, he explained to the City Paper in a write up about the team last year, "We were just trying to save some money." As heartbroken as I am to hear of his passing, I take a small amount of solace in the fact that every memory I have of Rob brings a smile to my face. My thoughts and prayers are with his family and his many friends.

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This team won the Constitution Center Quizzo

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Yeah, I'm kind of a numbskull, so I threw their paper away before I did my write up on the Constitution Center quizzo from last friday and forgot their team name. I do remember that they kicked some A, finishing with an impressive 110. Anyways, there is one more Constition Center quizzo, coming next Friday night. Hope to see you there!

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August 9, 2007

Around the Horn, Brought to you by Lucia and my Mom

-Looks like my niece is already working on her Elvis snear.

-City Paper says that the Locust Rendezvous has the best fries in the city.

-What song should Brett Myers enter his games to? I think "Muskrat Love" by Captain and Tennille would be epic. Or "Sailing" by Christopher Cross.

--Excuse me, sir, do you know that there is a monkey on your head?

-Happy Birthday Kurtis Blow! The video to the song Basketball is the Citizen Kane of music videos. Or at least the Ishtar of music videos. The dunk by the white guy with the moustache and mullet is nothing short of remarkable.

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August 8, 2007

Quick notes

Be back with some thoughts on Bonds this afternoon, but in the meantime, I'm still working on my Metro piece (thanks for you help last night). Here's a couple of quick things worth checking out;
-The Democrats prove that they're spineless when dealing with Alberto.

-Faith on Tap, a group that meets regularly to discuss religion, has their weekly happy hour every Thursday...at the Devil's Alley. Brilliant.

-Newsweek challenges the Darth Erns of the world on global warming

-Happy birthday JC Chasez! Don't listen to the haters, JC, just keep doing how you do.

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August 7, 2007

Fight the Power

Remember when hip hop didn't suck? That was kool. Oh, and peep Chuck's hat.

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Around the Horn, brought to you by Charlize Theron

-Time Magazine recently did a photo shoot of the murals of Philadelphia. Worth checking out.

-A couple of hours away, a family is raising a pet bear. Pet bears are kool. I wish Celine Dion would get a pet bear and then cover her face in honey.

-Have you ever thought to yourself, "Yeah, I'd love to have a block party, but not unless I could get Foghat to play. But what are the odds of...wait, what did you say? I can get Foghat to play my block party? Awesome! Pick me! Pick me! I know all the words to Slow Ride!

-Happy 32nd Birthday Charlize Theron. Rumors that we here at JGT HQ have a mad crush on Theron are patently false. I mean, once you get past the stunning beauty, rare talent, devilish charm, and remarkable success, what have you got left? Very little.

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August 6, 2007

Mind Boggled

I first saw my challenger from a distance, and I must admit that I figured I would win at Boggle easily. No-one shorter than me has ever beaten me at Boggle, and neither has a female. This young lady was both shorter than me and, I'm fairly certain, a female. I had this one in the bag. We went to Rum Bar, which has Boggle to offer its patrons (as well as pretty good drink specials: $3 Dark and Stormy's on Sundays and 1/2 price Mojitos on Mondays). I ordered a Dark and Stormy, and just then it began to rain outside. Fitting, since I was planning on raining on this young ladies parade with a decisive win.

It was about midway through the first round that I noticed that something was wrong. We had been playing for about a minute and a half, and she had never stopped writing words on her paper. "Probably just trying to psyche me out," I thought. "Those probably aren't even real words." But it was unnerving. It became more unsettling when I realized that they were real words, and I was trailing 33-13 after the first round. "Lucky round," I told myself, unconvincingly. The next round contained a lot of consonants, and not a lot of points were scored. Then round three, and all hell broke loose. Her hand couldn't keep up with her mind, as she had trouble writing words down as quickly as she could see them. I was starting to unravel. Seeing her write word after word had thrown me off my game, and the letters all began running together, and I froze. I needed something, anything to call off this game. Hurricane, riot, fire, something had to stop this word massacre! But there was no divine intervention, and after the round, we tabulated scores. 79-19 was the final. Oh, well. I'm better at Scrabble anyway.

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August 3, 2007

The Metro Article

In case you missed it yesterday, click "Continue Reading Metro Article" below to read the article I did for the Metro. It had to do with strange Atari games. Here's some more video game weirdness:
-There was Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em, another Atari porno game you need to read about to believe.

-Pac Man, where the ghosts are controlled by crickets.

-Ok, this is downright amazing. An entire website devoted to the dumping of the ET cartridges in the landfill in 1983.

-Custer's Revenge was one of Seanbaby's 20 worst video games of all time.

E.T. was the beginning of the end for the Atari 2600. Finally, your opportunity to control the movements of the alien creature you had fallen in love with in the theatre, and all it did was fall into wells. But falling into the well was sometimes a good thing, because there were valuable phone parts in these wells. I felt like this was a great message to send to kids. "Sometimes jumping into wells is ok, because at the bottom you may find phone pieces or possibly even E.T." The game was such an epic commercial failure that Atari was left with millions of leftover cartridges. Apparently inspired by the Mafia, they dumped the leftover cartridges at a nearby landfill and covered them with concrete.

There was one game that was sold for the Atari 2600 that I certainly wasn't aware of as a child. Called Custer's Revenge, the object of this game* was as follows: a visibly aroused Custer (as "visibly aroused" as one can be on 128 bytes of RAM) dodged arrows in an effort to get to a naked Native American woman tied to a cactus. If he dodged the onslaught of arrows, he would have sex with the woman, who was still tied to the cactus.** I have always been a little disappointed that this never led to more porn video games based on historical figures and revenge. Like "Stonewall Jackson's Revenge", in which he tries to avoid being shot by his own men to make love to Mary Todd Lincoln.

Custer's Revenge wasn't the only strange game on the 2600. There was Pepsi Invaders, a video game that was just like Space Invaders except that the aliens were replaced with the letters P-E-P-S-I.*** There was also Chase the Chuck Wagon, a game cartridge you could win by sending in proofs of purchase of Purina dog food. So the next time some flashy young buck tries to tell you how awesome his new video game is, you can just say, "Oh yeah, well back in my day, when you got shot by a Pepsi Invader and your alien fell into a well, you got to make love to a woman tied to a cactus." That should shut them up.

*which actually existed
**I'd like to reiterate that I am not making this up
***Again, do you think I could make this up even if I tried? Pepsi Invaders?

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Cubs Win! Cubs win!

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August 2, 2007

Fun time wasters

First of all, be sure to do your voting on MyFoxPhillys Hot List. Once again, best quizzo is not an option, but I'm gonna let it slide. And oh by the way, Good Dog is totally kicking tail for best burger. Be sure to vote for either the Bards or Black Sheep for best Irish pub!

-Play a little boggle.

-Or play the highly addictive Gold Miner.

-"We here at Foobooz love reading Best of Philly almost as much as we love maps. So here is a bit of both." Nerd alert.

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Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll

-There is a new white powder called Blow that you put in your drink and has 4 times as much caffeine as an espresso. Blow sent a shipment of their exciting new product to NBC10. Apprently, Blow thinks that Bill Henley and Hurricane Schwartz are the perfect people to plug their new product.

-A new study shows that woman want sex for the same reason guys do, b/c they are attracted to the other person. Major oversight in the study: "Because I was drunk" not an option.

-It was on this date in 1937 that the Marihuana Stamp Act was passed. Marihuana was a deadly drug, popular in the 1930s, that caused teenagers to have sex with jazz musicians and kill their parents with axes. Fortunately, this important legislation closed the market for the drug and it is no longer possible to find marihuana in the United States.

-Is Stairway to Heaven an homage to sweet Satan? Listen and judge for yourself. Warning: Rumor has it that Dick Cheney got his start in politics after listening to this song backwards, so be careful.

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August 1, 2007

Around the Horn, brought to you by Darth Cheney

-Dunno if you guys caught the four part series that the Washington Post did on Dick Cheney last month. A good look at the worst vice president in the history of the nation, and probably one of the worst people in this nation's history.

-Yeah, I got a little love from D-Mac in PW. The first time the Vatican and quizzo have ever been repped in the same paragraph. (The quizzo storyline in Angels and Demons didn't make the final cut.)

-Old school hip hop heads must check out the new video from KRS ONE and Marley Marl.

-Bush has decided to to send $20 billion worth of high tech weapons to the Saudi Arabians. I hope this teaches those who would inlict "Terra" on America a harsh lesson: If hijackers from your nation attack us, we will give your nation high tech weapons. But if zero hijackers from your country invade us, we will kill hundreds of thousands of your citizens. Amazing.

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Special Upcoming Quizzos

Hey gang, got a cople of pretty kool quizzoes coming up in the next few weeks. First, a return engagement at the Constitution Center this Friday at 6:30 p.m. American history (with American history once again being used in a liberal sense) will be the name of the game. Quizzo is free with museum admission. I'd suggest getting there early to check out some of the museum before we get started, especially the Freedom Rising multimedia exhibit. Each member of the winning team gets gift certificates to Stephen Starr restaurant of their choice.

Then, on August 10th, I'm headed to the Franklin Institute for a science quizzo with a little Egyptology thrown in. The event is free (no admission for museum or for quizzo), and the winning team will walk with free tickets to see the King Tut exhibit, which has been an enormous success. The event is part of the golden ticket promotion. I like the concept of "Visiting Tut After Dark". I kind of envision Tut in a silk jacket holding a martini and smoking a cigar and regaling the crowd with stories about the curse he put on Howard Carter.

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Quick notes

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-Trivia Art's column in today's Metro.

-Phawker has the entire new Common album on their radio. Just click "Play radio" in the upper left. Good stuff.

-Only in Philadelphia.

-Several people have remarked how funny they thought a certain comment under the Keats story was, so peep it.

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July 31, 2007

Around the Horn, brougt to you by Turkey Chipotle BLT

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-Our State Department would never involve themselves in human trafficking, tricking foreign laborers into working in Baghdad against their will. Would they? In the words of my buddy Toby, "We'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way."

-The Daily News is doing their sexiest singles this week (thanks for nominating me, jerks). Anyways, they're doing videos and they look like those hilarious Comcast Dating On Demand features, with the guys videos being a lot funnier than the girls ones. This is by far the unintentionally funniest one. Anybody know where I can get a tank top like that?

-Remember when the mainstream media showered itself in glory by providing minute by minute flight coverage of the guy who falsely claimed to kill Joan Benet Ramsey? Well good old Jon Mark Karr recently got interviewed. I direct your eyes to this sentence: CBS46 will talk to Karr Tuesday at 11 p.m. about his life now, his time in Atlanta, his fiancée and his father. Yep, Jon Mark Karr has had more luck dating in the past year than I have.

-Turkey Chipotle BLT, who have quite an impressive collection of last place prizes, held their latest lead ever last week (in 1st place after round two at O'Neals last week), and therefore get the honor of today's ATH photo.

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I'm from Dateline NBC wins private quizzo gig

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I'm From Dateline NBC won at a private quizzo for Montgomery, McCracken, Walker and Rhoads, LLP. Click here to learn how JGT to make your next private event more fun

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A review of Best of Philly

Ok, so I threw my little hissyfit on friday about the lack of quizzo in this years Best Of...edition. Well, it's time to move on and turn the page, and see what they got right and wrong. Alright, they start with Food and Drink. I've gotten old and predictable in my old age, so I haven't been to a lot of hip new spots. But Philafoodie says that they got a lot of stuff right, and we'll take their word for it. A weak award for Cheap Eats: Wegman's. As many good cheap eats as this city has, and you give it to a chain grocery store out from Rochester? Lame. However, Steve's, Prince of Steaks, has a really great steaks. Good call. Alright, enough of the food. Let's move on. Fashion. Uh, yeah, whatever. This line from Philly's Best Tableware: "Glassware, dinnerware, and that teacup you saw on Oprah? Yes, yes, and heck yes." I think that's all we really need to know about fashion. Let's move to FUN.
After the jump: JGT responds to Philly Mag's "trite quizzo" comment.

Ok, Fun starts with Best Karaoke. Did karaoke start in Philadelphia, the title of the magazine? Uh, no, sorry, that was quizzo. Anyways, Casey's Ale House wins. Never heard of it. McGillan's is pretty damn obnoxiously good if you ask me. Best Jazz Club was Chris' Jazz Cafe. Ok, ashamed to say this, but never been. Big ups for photo of Philly legend Bootsie Barnes. Dive bar. Jerry's. It's in Northern Liberties, so I'm sure the hipsters have already killed whatever fun was once to be had there.

Competitive Bar Event. Bob and Barbara's Spelling Bee. The lovely Ginger says it's fun, and I'll believe her. I'm a big Bob and Barbs fan, and it seems about right that they're honored in Philly Mag about 15 years after becoming hip. I particularly enjoyed the first sentence, "Bob and Barbara's doesn't waste time with trite quizzo." Ah yes, trite quizzo. I kind of feel like that was a dig at yours truly. And I can hardly blame them for being a little mad at me. After all, my Quizzo Bowl 3 was ten the times the event their Best Of Philly Party was last year, it was orchestrated and organized by one person, and it didn't end with Larry Mendte furious in the parking lot b/c he couldn't find his keys. Yes, yes, and heck yes.

Moving along. Kids. Next! Service. Phillyhistory.org got best local website. Good call. Their blog is absolutely fantastic, and I wish they updated it every day. Ok, that's it for service. Let's finish up with People and Power.

Sports Radio Personality goes to Rhea Huges. Not feeling it. I gotta give it Ant'ny Gargano or Jody Mac. Radio Talk Show Host goes to Michael Smerconish. Way to dig deep and find a great radio personality toiling in obscurity, guys. Ok, here's the one that gotten the most flak: "Best Pen Pal: Alycia Lane. How come hot babes never send us bikini photos?" Ok, if you're gonna piss off an entire local news network, how about not doing it by beating a horse that died about two months ago? "How come hot babes never send us bikini photos"? Who wrote that lame ass joke, Carlos Mencia? Next time try using a joke that isn't so, I don't know...trite?

Final say: Some decent calls, too many boring categories, too many boring, uninspiring calls (Chickie and Pete's, Smerconish, Wegman's). But I will say this about Philly Mag: at least they put out a Best Of that's worthy of critiquing.
RELATED: Philebrity has a pretty damn funny write up about the Best Of that I highly recommend.

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July 30, 2007

John Keats shoulda gotten me a phone #

So I'm at Chaucers with Trivia Art the other night (which is kind of like being at Cheers w/ Norm. Or like being at Grace's with Triva Art. But I digress.) And there is a very cute girl with a tattoo of a vase of some kind on her arm. I ask her, "What kind of urn you got there on your arm?' and she says, "Grecian". Now, where this knowledge came from, I have no idea, but before I even recognized what I was saying, I said, "Oh, so you're a Keats fan?" Brilliant, right? How can a girl not be impressed when a guy instantly recognizes a 19th century Romantic poet who died at age 25 of tuberculosis that she is such a big fan of that she gets a giant tattoo of his most famous poetic symbol on her arm? Anyways, she smiled, said, "Yes" AND WALKED AWAY. Not kool! I'm afraid I'm going to have to call shenanigans. That's not playing by the rules! If you get a freaking tattoo of a Grecian urn on your arm, and I correctly identify the author of "Ode to a Grecian Freaking Urn", you owe me a sentence. No phone number, no date, but damn if you don't owe me a sentence. You owe me, "Oh, what's your favorite Keats poem?" or "Are you a Keats fan too?"

Now fair is fair, I would have had nothing to say, because the only things I know about Keats are that he wrote Ode to a Grecian Urn and that he died of tuberculosis. I mean, I probably would have said something stupid, like, "I'm not a big fan of Keats, but I am a big fan of tuberculosis." And then it would have been more than acceptable for her to walk away. But NOT UNTIL I BLEW IT. Hey, I don't make the rules, I just play by them. The women of Philadelphia need to play by them too.

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July 27, 2007

No Best Of Philly Quizzo

Philadelphia Magazine apparently thought that quizzo had quieted down since last year, b/c they decided not to include it in this years "Best Of..." edition, though they did include best karaoke. It's probably a good call because (with the exception of about 95% of the pubs and taverns in the local area) you can hardly find quizzo anywhere anymore. And it's not like it is now a national phenomenon that first saw the light of day in our fair city. Something as uniquely Philadelphean as quizzo certainly doesn't deserve a spot in a magazine named Philadelphia, though karaoke, which does not hail from Philly, certainly does. For shame, Philly Mag. If you're going to use the word Philadelphia in your title, at least try to cover and promote things that are unique and popular in this city.

Anyways, that's all the hating I'm gonna do, because I will say this: I'd rather nobody win Best Quizzo than Kildare's win Best Quizzo. On Monday, we'll take a look at all the winners, and figure out what they got right and what they got wrong. And in an effort to not make this whole entry sound like sour grapes, I'd like to give big ups to John McDonald (aka Johnny Mac), who won Best Chef (Snackbar). He's not only a damn good chef, he's a damn nice guy. Kudos!

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Happy Birthday, Yahoo Serious!

Young Einstein turns 54 today.

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July 25, 2007

Around the Horn, brought to you by...Uber-Patriot Toby Keith!

-This from Dan Gross's column yesterday: "Don't ever apologize for being patriotic. F--- 'em," advised country star Toby Keith to fans at his sold-out show at the Tweeter Center Sunday night after closing with the song "Angry American," complete with pyrotechnics. No, Toby, please. F--- you. Patriotism is not overzealous zeal to kill random Middle Easterners in retaliation for a completely different group of Middle Easterners attacking our country. You're an idiot. Here's a spoof of that moronic song by Bill Maher.

-Don't look now, but the Phils pitching staff is starting to come together, and if Durbin can pitch decently and Kendrick can continue to pitch like he is, and Myers returns, and Gordon stays healthy...etc. Anyways, I really hope we don't deal Rowand for some mid-level pitcher (which is all we'll get for him). But what do you guys think of Bourne for Bronson Arroyo? To be honest, unless it involves Barajas, Helms, or Nunez, I hope Gillick stands Pat.
RELATED: Salisbury's column about the Phils and the deadline.

-Did the Founding Fathers write the Constitution to defend us from Presidents like George Bush?

-And finally, some sad news. The Weekly World News, who printed what the mainstream publications were scared to print, is going out of business. To be honest, the quality of the rag had gone way down in recent ears. I was a huge fan in the late 80s and early 90s, but the beauty of it was it's subtlety. It wasn't yet a spoof of itself, so you felt like the reporters really thought that aliens had captured a 42 pound newborn. But lately it had just gotten silly (and expensive). Godspeed, once proud publication. Godspeed.

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July 24, 2007

Philly in the National News...and it ain't for being the next great city

Well, we made the CBS Evening News for being the murder capital of America last night. 236 murders thus far this year. While Mayor "I-phone" Doolittle certainly deserves some of the blame, it is up to the citizens of Philadelphia to quit waiting on the government to do something and get involved themselves. The reason many of these kids kill is because they have no hope and no mentors. There are a number of programs you can get involved in to help curb the violence. As I have been suggesting all year, the Big Brothers Big Big Sisters Program is an excellent way to mentor a child who has no male role model. The men of Philadelphia are dropping the ball on this (there is a wait list of 1,000 boys), and it has nothing to do with Mayor Street. Some other worthwhile projects include: Reading STARS, where you can help a child improve their literacy. 85% of the children who appear in juvenile court lack reading skills. If you're looking more to donate money than time, how about the Digital Divide Program, which tries to get home computers for low income children. Or you could get involved in the Byron Story Foundation, which helps at-risk youth get their GEDs. If you would like to find other worthwhile causes to help make Philadelphia a better city, please go to Philacares.com. This is not a white problem or a black problem, a rich problem or a poor problem. This is a Philadelphia problem, and if you love this city, then you owe it to Philly to do your part to help solve it. And remember, ALMOST doing something about the problem is the exact same thing as doing nothing about the problem. Get involved!
RELATED: Attytood on how Street was quiet about problem 'til Katie Couric showed up.

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Around the Horn, brought to you by perennial bottom feeders, the Angry Dragons

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-Today is Simon Bolivars birthday. Learn more about South America's biggest hero. Celebrate it by having a Corona tonight at O'Neals quizzo. Oh wait, what? Mexico's not in South...Oh, uh, nevermind about that Corona thing. But still play quizzo.

-Think that all athletes are dog-fighting drug addicts who cheat and lie? They are. We kid, we kid. Actually, a couple of Texans just made a pretty cool deal. When Ahman Green went to the Texans, he wanted #30. The guy wearing #30, Jason Simmons, said that he could have the number...as long as he made a down payment on a house for a single parent. Deal.

-Joe Sixpack is the bearer of some interesting news: Yards Brewery is breaking up. Founder and co-owner Tom Kehoe is splitting with his partners, Bill and Nancy Barton, and will move the 13-year-old brewery to a new, to-be-chosen location...The Bartons will keep Yards' hulking brewing facility in Kensington and begin producing a new brand. The new brand? Gonna be called Meters. God, that was awful. I just don't got it this morning.

-Lindsay Lohan arrested for a DUI, possession of cocaine, and skyjacking a plane and then jumping out over Oregon. Just kidding about the last one...but would you really be THAT shocked if I wasn't?

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July 23, 2007

Old School South Philly

Found some pretty interesting stuff about South Philly while tooling around on the internet this weekend.

*First up, here's an article in which Philadelphia legend Mario Lanza (who I featured in a Metro article a couple of months ago) talks about how much he loves his hometown.

*Where did Frank Sinatra like to hang out when he came to Philly? Find out here.

*Here's a brief history of the mob in Philadelphia. The most succesful mob boss in Philadelphia history was Angelo Bruno, who was killed in 1980. His wife passed away last week.

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July 20, 2007

CHip CHantry goes for the gold

JGT pal and former Wheel of Terrific co-host Chip CHantry is vying for the role of Philadelphia's funniest man in the annual Philly's Phunniest competition. That picture above is not of Chip, but if you google image Chip, that guy comes up. And I think that the guy above is how I see Chip now: going the distance, the finish line in sight. And wearing a tank top and black short shorts. Two different rounds of comedy tonight. Some really funny guys at both the 8 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. shows at Helium.

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Was Buchanan Gay?

I touched on it a bit in my colum in this weeks Metro (column after the jump). Here some historians debate it. Here's a little bit more comprehensive site about the question of his sexuality and about Buchanan in general. Other White House gay rumors? The other big one is Lincoln. Then there is Rose Cleveland. Though not married to a president, she did serve as first lady to her brother until he got married. She then left the White House and carried on a relationship with a widow named Evangeline Simpson. Anyways, click below to read my column on Buchanan, his first love, the rumors about his sexuaity, and his legacy as president.

It seems odd that, in a state as rich in history as ours, we have only produced one president. But what we lack in numbers, we make up in intrigue. James Buchanan is considered by most historians to be one of the five worst presidents of all time, he was involved in a romantic tragedy, and some people think that he might have been gay.

I called Lisa Bowman, the Assistant to the Executive Director at Wheatland, Buchanan's home in Lancaster, to learn more about the enigmatic leader. We first discussed his tragic fiancee, Ann Coleman. "All correspondence on the subject has not survived. What we have is innuendo and rumor." The primary rumors were that Buchanan was marrying her for her wealth, and that her family did not approve of the young lawyer. It is known that she called off the marriage. "Shortly after the breakup, she went to see her sister in Philadelphia. She appeared to be fine. Her sister left to go to the theatre, and when she returned, Ann was dead. There were a lot of laudanum overdoses at the time, and many people think that she may have killed herself, but the coroner merely wrote 'hysterics' as the cause of death. Hysterics? What does that mean? There is no way to know for sure how she died."

There are some who believe that after his fiance died, Buchanan decided to, ahem, change his domestic policy. He has been tied romantically by some historians to Franklin Pierce's vice-president, Rufus King. Postmaster General Aaron Brown referred to the two as "Buchanan and his wife", and Andrew Jackson called King "Aunt Fancy." They shared a home for 15 years, though that was not unusual for bachelors in the 1850s. Says Lisa, "We have absolutely nothing to shore up that question one way or the other. All correspondence between the two (Buchanan and King) was destroyed upon their deaths." In some of Buchanan's letters to others which have survived, he speaks very fondly of King. But, says Bowman, it is unfair to judge on that alone. "Some of Lincoln's letters to his Generals in the book 'Team of Rivals' seem very romantic by our standards. But that is how men communicated then."

Due to his inaction and hesitance in the years leading to the Civil War, many have branded him as one of our worst presidents ever. Is that fair? "Buchanan had a brilliant diplomatic career. He knew his legacy would be tarnished by becoming president at this time. When I hear peope bash him, I ask, 'What would you have done to stop the Civil War in 1857?' He was not an extremely effective President, but I don't think responsibility for the Civil War can be laid solely at his feet."

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July 19, 2007

Around the Horn, brought to you by Etch-a-Sketch Magic Johnson

-Apparently the EZ Bake Oven has become an incinerator of death and destruction, so it's getting recalled. Wow, and here I thought an oven for two year olds to bake things was a good idea.

-Remember how when you were a kid and you saw those secret rooms on Scooby Doo and totally wished your house had a "secret room"? And then remember how when you got older you wished you could spend all your free time doing drugs with hookers? Well, this guy made both of his dreams come true! If you can believe it, you can achieve it!

-A nuclear reactor in New Jersey leaks some radiation. Tragically, it doesn't kill any Jerseyites.

-As people continue to be justifiably outraged at Michael Vick's crimes against animals, keep in mind that our vice president also enjoys participating in animal cruelty.

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What we are raising money for

I spoke with Kim, who runs the Red Shield Summer Camp, and asked her a few questions about the program and about homelessness in general, so that you'd know where the money you are donating is going:
Kim, please give me the basic details of the program.
The Red Shield Family Residence is a homeless shelter that houses forty-two families. Of an average population of 140 usually 90 are children under the age of eighteen.

I work with the kids who are ages 6-12 years. Before arriving, many of the kids have been subjected to being bounced around from place to place, trauma, food insecurity, and early parentification to younger siblings. The program’s goals are meant to address the needs of the kids to stabilize and have the shelter experience be one that is a positive.

We use many activities to achieve our goals.

Art helps the kids express themselves when they may not have the words to do so. The kids volunteer in the community to allow them the opportunity to realize that they too have something to give and are not the bottom rung of the charity ladder. For example we box food for MANNA to help those living with AIDS. The kids have their own garden, which is used to supply the shelter residents with fresh produce in their diets. This gives them the ability to feel that they are able to contribute to their family needs with kid-grown and kid-cooked dishes, as these are kids who want to have a way to help. This year the kids are being taught photography and we will have a gallery show at the end of the summer. In addition, the kids are participating in Capoeira (Brazilian martial arts/dance). They will be a part of the martial arts community ceremony and be belted.

In addition to art as therapy the kids also are participating in therapy groups and conflict resolution and anger management workshops. Academics are a huge and daily focus of the program as well, as are life skills.

2) How long have you been doing it?
It was five years this past April.

3) Do you think there are any wrong impressions the general public has about the homeless?
Absolutely. Most people think that the homeless and poor are lazy people who don’t want to work. Few consider the broader oppressive structural issues that fuel poverty in this country. We as a society have been trained that if you work you get ahead. Not everyone is offered opportunity or can see beyond the inequality they were born into. My goal is to expose the kids to as many things as possible outside their typical experience as possible. People cannot dream about things they cannot fathom. I want to encourage them to realize there is no goal beyond their abilities.

4) How can the money we raise benefit your program?
We need film, money for field trips, art supplies, everything really. We need so much.

5) What the toughest part of your job? What's the best part of it?
The toughest part is seeing so many kids falling through the cracks. It is hard to see that all kids do not all have the same starting point. It is hard when people don’t treat the kids with respect. In addition, some of the kids have had to deal with so very much, and yet with it all they are so receptive to even the tiniest bit of love, attention and affection.

If you would like to donate your time or money to this program, please contact Kim at kberk7@juno.com.

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July 18, 2007

The Hipsters are back at it!

In the dregs of summer, finally a fun little summer rivalry. Steven Wells, the kind-of-like-Lewis-Black hipster from the Weekly, took another cheap shot at Joey Sweeney, the talented and funny yet seemingly cocky hipster dude from Philebrity who has never returned a single email of mine even when I've asked for assistance in charity related events (Dude, WTF?). Anyways, one thing I do admire about Sweeney is his insistence on coming out swinging when someone takes a shot at him, and he didn't disappoint. My favorite part from the Wells PW column: the gossip blog’s still raking in money from advertisers too dumb to realize they’re associating their product with the hipster equivalent of Benedict Arnold. What? How does one become the hipster equivalent of Benedict Arnold? Go to the gym? Watch a baseball game? Laugh at something for being unironically funny? Stop drinking the High Life? Aw man, generalizations are fun. Anyways, we've needed this. I mean, the Phils are mediocre and we haven't had a good rivalry in this city since Danny Ozark vs. that reporter with granny panties.
Previously: When hipsters attack.

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Around the Horn, brought to you by Breakin' 2, Electric Boogaloo

-Trivia Art talks about Buy Fresh Buy Local.

-Al Gore celebrated his daughter's wedding by Buying Threatened Buying Foreign.

-A column Willie Gee would love! Is ESPN racist?

-Hey, don't look now, but Pat Burrell is calling July his b****. He's batting .520 since July 4th. Now, if we can just teach him how to pitch...

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July 17, 2007

Quizzo for the Cause

We're going to be raising money for the Red Shield Family Residence. Each year, they have a summer camp for homeless children. They need art supplies for the children and money to help pay for tokens to go on various field trips they are taking this summer. So we're going to help. It costs $1 to play this week, with 100% of the proceeds going to this charity. I'll have more info on the charity shortly.

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A little light summer reading

Not much going on today, but the classics never really go out of style, so how about a little summer short story reading? Here's former Philly resident Edgar Allen Poe's classic, the Cask of Amontillado.

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July 16, 2007

Around the Horn

-The bowling party on Saturday was a huge success. Well, not for me, but for the guys who put it on, Badminton Stamps and Emily and Lee from Narcotyzing . Nice show, though I was nine pins away from winning a date...again! I was extremely disappointed by my performance and acted like a spoiled rotten child the entire night.

-Steve O. is performing at the Khyber tonight as part of Die Actor Die, Don Montrey's monthly show. Check him out. It's at 8 p.m. and tix are $5 cheap.

-A few quick questions with Bill Maher.

-Philebrity wonders: Is the reason that the media cares so much about the weekends murder of a 14 year old bike rider because it happened near tourist mecca Pat's and Geno's?

-And Bob T. and Darth Ern's hero, Tom Delay, is gonna speak at the Constitution Center tonight. Following his speech, Delay will be sacrificing live puppies.

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July 13, 2007

Around the Horn, brought to you by Bad Idea Jeans

-Have you heard about ghost riding the whip? I highly encourage you all to ghost ride the whip yourselves, just to see what it's like. I particularly think Darth Ern will enjoy it. What could go wrong?

-15 worst music ideas ever. Me performing "Flashdance" at Quizzo Bowl 3 did not make the cut, surprisingly.

-Did you know that there were porno games made for the Atari 2600? Did you know that one of them was called "Custer's Revenge", in which a visibly aroused Custer dodges arrows to have sex with a Native American woman tied to a cactus? Should I repeat the second half of that last sentence? "A visibly aroused Custer dodges arrows to have sex with a Native AMerican woman tied to a cactus." Thank you.

-The worst baseball trades of all time.

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July 12, 2007

Around the Horn, brought to you by Dwayne Schintzius

-Miss New Jersey released those blackmail photos this morning and, are you ready for this, they include one dude squeezing her boobs, one guy biting her boob, and her kissing another guy!!! OMG, that is like so grounds for, like, whatever. That whore! I thought she only loved me!

-You know how I did that thing on Lawchair Larry last week for the Metro? Well, I have an unbelievable update. A guy in Oregon went up in a lawnchair last week, though he got the proper permits, etc.

-Not to self: If involved in an elaborate plan to rob a bank, do NOT allow the other robbers to tie a time bomb around your neck. There is a chance it could end badly. I think I smell a Darwin Award winer.

-From Dan Gross's column, I learned that Stephon Marbury will be promoting his new sneakers tomorrow at the Franklin Mills Mall. I have become quite a Marbury fan in the last year due to his attempts to make affordable shoes "kool" and stop the senseless mindset that somone needs a $180 pair of shoes to succeed in basketball or be popular. I blasted Lebron "Shill" James for his ignorant statements about those shoes a couple of months ago.

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Bush Hates the Special Olympics

The Bush administration hates the Special Olympics, says the former Surgeon General. From the NY Times article: And administration officials even discouraged him (the Surgeon General) from attending the Special Olympics because, he said, of that charitable organization’s longtime ties to a “prominent family” that he refused to name.
“I was specifically told by a senior person, ‘Why would you want to help those people?’ ” Dr. Carmona said.
The Special Olympics is one of the nation’s premier charitable organizations to benefit disabled people, and the Kennedys have long been deeply involved in it.

I hate the Special Olympics too, but that's because the "Everyone's a winner" theme is too reminiscent of a communist force we worked so hard to overthrow. And you know how I hate communists.

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July 11, 2007

Around the Horn, brought to you by Uncle Goodtimes

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-Trivia Art tells us how to celebrate the French tearing the heads off rich people in the 1790s in his weekly Metro column.

-Philadelphia Weekly blogger, quizzo regular, and all around swell guy D-Mac posts a column about Barbaro that is somewhat amusing, but not nearly amusing as the comments that follow from outraged Barbaro fans. "The echoes of the benefits for all horses brought about by this horse will reverberate for decades." is a good one, which was quickly answered by, "just what are the benefits of this horse that will go on for decades? Glue only lasts a few years before its all used up." Which was followed by, "I feel sorry for you that you can't comprehend the power of love." This is one of the awesomest comment threads I've ever read.

-Over/under on pics of my niece on this website before the end of the year: 734.

-Somehow I missed this like two weeks ago. (Fair is fair, I came across this in a roundabout way via Philebrity.)

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Why, today's the anniversary!

As you may or may not know, my 2nd favorite Founding Father other than Thomas Jefferson is the vice president that he despised, Aaron Burr. And every year, the celebration of Burr's victory over Alex Hamilton gets me all giddy, b/c Hamilton was a cocky jackass, although I think modern America is much closer to his vision than Jefferson's. Anyways, Burr has been relegated to one hit wonder status, which is unfair and unfortunate. It's like Buckner. He got almost 3,000 hits and all people remember is that stupid ball between the legs. He was a hero of the Revolutionary War (Burr, not Buckner), though he totally got screwed by Washington (Buckner got screwed by manager John McNamara, who should have replaced him with Dave Stapleton). Burr was a politician's politician, who, after agreeing to run as a vice-presidential candidate with Jefferson, decided to wait around and see if the House elected him President when a snag in the system gave them an electoral tie. After shooting Hamilton, he moved out west, where Jefferson claimed he was starting an insurrection. It has never been fully determined what he was doing out west, but despite being hated by nearly everyone in the US for shooting Hamilton, his shrewd lawyer skills got him acquitted of treason. He then bandied about Europe as essentially a gypsy, crashing on the couches of friends until they got sick of him, then moving ot the next country and next friend. I think many of us can relate (to the crashing friends couches, not the shooting someone and being charged with treason.) Finally, he returned to the US, where he became an extremely succesful lawyer. But let's face it, the highlight of his career was the duel. Here's some good duel stuff to get you through the day:
*The 411 on the 187.
*ESPN's coverage of the duel. Pretty funny.
*Letters exchanged between Hamilton and Burr before becoming college roomates.
*Read what the seconds and the attending physician said about the event.

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July 9, 2007

It's a Girl!

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I became an uncle for the first time at 2:00 p.m. today, as my sister had an 8 lb. baby girl named Lucia Marie Sullivan. Here are some photos of the babies first hours!

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Around the Horn

-This from Dan Gross's column: Actor/singer Frank Stallone, younger brother of some guy named Sylvester, signs autographs at 2 p.m. Thursday at Fresco Pizza Grill (228 South Newtown) at the Shops at Springton Pointe, in Newtown Square. That's right, gang! This is your chance to get an autograph from the man who played Grady Purella in Outlaw Force!

-Happy Millard Fillmore Day! It was on this date in 1850 that Fillmore killed Zachary Taylor with cherries and cabbage and then took over as president. Millard "The Nourishment is Palatable" Fillmore went on to be our GREATEST PRESIDENT EVER (at least until G.W. Bush took office.)

-The Phillies receive their first standing ovation of the season...when they help secure a tarp. Sadly, Rod Barajas did not get trapped under the tarpaulin.

-Baby expected this afternoon. I'll have photos ASAP.

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July 8, 2007

Phils go for 10,000 today, Baby Planned for Monday

Well gang, the Sinking Ship known as the Philadelphia Phillies are going for 10,000 losses in the midst of a major slump (their 3,468th major slump all-time, also a league record). The question is, will my sisters baby get to witness this monumental piece of history? My sister is going to have a C-section tomorrow (the baby is now 2 weeks late, though the baby and my sister and the baby are both doing well). I will be staying until Tuesday, but will make it back for quizzo Tuesday night. Moving from babies to losers: The Phils are a mess, and the only drama surrounding this team other than 10,000 losses right now is this: will they keep Chris Coste when Jayson Werth returns? If they drop Coste again, I will refuse to follow this team anymore, because I will be convinced that the GM is sabotaging this team. It is obvious that Charlie and the pitching staff want him to stay. Check out this quote from Cole Hamels: "He's got a great catching IQ. He's so aware of what the pitcher has, what [the pitcher] is thinking and what the hitter might be thinking. On top of that, he puts up a great target. The way he catches it, he makes it look pretty."

Hamels and Charlie aren't the only ones who want him to stay. You can throw in pretty much any person who has watched Rod Barajas catch for more than an inning or bat more than zero times. And count in Mike Radano at the Camden Courier Post (who, incidentally, I used to hang out with every day when I was an intern with the Camden Riversharks and he was their beat writer.) And finally, when the Phils do lose 10,000, I hope the pitcher of record is Jose Mesa. That would be the storybook ending.

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July 6, 2007

Local Food Notes

*Looks like things are gonna get real interesting at Reading Terminal Market. Rick's Prince of Steaks is getting kicked out and Tony Luke's is coming in. And Rick isn't exactly pleased, saying that he's getting the boot in retaliation for always sticking up for his fellow vendors. His lawyer says that Rick will refuse to move out at the end of the month. This is gonna be fun to watch.

*Have you checked out the Foobooz "Philly Mag Best Of..." Map? Trivia Art really shows what a computer he nerd he is by putting this thing together, but it is pretty damn cool.

*The dude from Philafoodie goes to a giant foie gras farm (Ok, so it's technically a duck farm) and discovers that it's really not that bad. In fact, not nearly as bad as the protesters who are going over the line to protest it. Very interesting and informative article. Of course, someone used the comment section to leave a fairly well written rebuttal. The debate continues. Having worked with animals in the past in a controversial environment, I will say this: If you are going to do story on a controversial animal treatment, you can't just take the company at its word. In the captive dolphin environment, there was a massive propaganda campaign that was used on the public and the press, much of it true and some of it not true. To do a comprehensive story on it, you do have to dig a little deeper than what that camp would want you to know.

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July 5, 2007

Still No Baby

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My sister's due date was June 27, but most people were betting that she wouldn't make it that long. But here we are on July 5, and still no baby. I'll keep ya updated.

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July 3, 2007

The Greatest Music Video Ever Made

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what the holiday is all about. (Not only safe for work, but your boss will be so impressed by your rampant patriotism that he will probably give you a raise, so play it often and play it loud.)

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July 2, 2007

The Deal for this week

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Alright, I am kicking it from Virginia's Eastern Shore. Went out to the beach yesterday with my extremely pregnant sister (with her husband and her dog, below). I am here b/c she is expecting a baby in the next couple of days. I'll keep you updated. Anyways, quizzo as usual this week, except for the Rendezvous. Jam Master Sean will be hosting on Tuesday and Thursday, and MIke Minion will be hosting his own special quizzo at the Black Sheep on Wednesday. In other words, yes, we will be having 4th of July Quizzo at the Black Sheep, but 4th of July quizzo is cancelled at the Rendezvous.

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Lawchair Larry

I know I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. It was on this date 25 years ago that Lawnchair Larry flew 16,000 feet up in the air with nothing more than a lawnchair and some helium balloons. He got a little nervous and called in a Mayday on his CB before shooting out some of the ballons with a BB gun he had brought along. He then began drifting slowly back to earth.

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June 27, 2007

Quizzo News and Notes

First, I played with some of the Satan's Minions at Nodding Head on Sunday. Irish John was hosting. He seems to be a bit mellower than he used to be. First time I've ever played his quizzo where he didn't tell a single person, "Shut the **** up, you stupid ****." (To be honest, I was a little disappointed. The highlight of his quizzo is always when he gets really pissed.) The quiz was pretty good. More minutiae than mine, I think. I couldn't really help all that much. He doesn't really ever venture into my wheelhouse, which is US history and sports. We won though, pretty easily, at least partly because Mike of the Minions is the King of Minutiae. The next night I went with D-Mac and a few of the Chin Omelettes over to New Deck. (We were gonna play Dark Horse but DH John got sick.) Not a bad quiz, pretty good mix of questions. The New Deck isn't my favorite bar in the world, and the food was so-so, but the food and drinks were pretty cheap. We lost to the Sofa Kingdom by 3 points, and finished out of the money. I still like Dark Horse quizzo better than either of these quizzos, but they were perfectly good.

Palestra Jon wasn't so lucky. He played out in the burbs. Here were his thoughts: I went out to check out some suburban Quizzo at Iron Hill Brewery in Media. Nice place. Bad Quizzo. 5 rounds. ...ALL POP CULTURE, straight out of trivia book. A numerical question 11 to each round, almost impossible (how many pounds of meat can a wolf eat at one sitting---20). To show how bad this crowd is, they asked only one general knowledge question out of 50---In what war was the Battle of the Bulge---only 1/3 of the teams got that right. On the good side, $3 homemade microbrews and cheap appetizers.

Finally, the Satan's Minions took a field trip to Kildare's last night for their award winning quizzo. They said that it was ok, but there were several major problems. First of all, length. Three and a half hours long. Then, all the questions were worth one point apiece, except for one question, which was worth ten. That question? "What Kildare's bartender was named Best Of Philly by Philly Style Magazine?" Teams could also joker that round, so if they knew the bartender, they could get 20 points for knowing it. This question took place in the first round, so anyone who didn't know it essentially lost after round one, because they had to work out of a 30+ point hole. There were six rounds, all with topics. They were: 2 audio rounds, Cartoons, Animal House, Headlines, and Advertising Slogans. There were no history, gegraphy, science, or politics questions. According to Mike, "I think they had to keep all the questions pop culture related, or they would have upset the crowd, which consisted entirely of idiot drunken frat boys." The quizzo also featured a chugging contest (which, I have to admit, is kind of a fun idea.)

Anybody out there played any good or bad quizzos lately? Let us know what you recommend (and which ones we should stay away from) below.

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Online Trivia

Jonesing for some trivia and can't wait 'til tonigh? In that case, take this Global IQ test from Newsweek.

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Das Efx with Ice Cube

Chiggity Check Yourself Before you wreck yourself (Clean version). Here's an interiew with Das EFX where they talk about an album that is expected to be released early next year, and here they are on MySpace.

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June 26, 2007

Around the Horn

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-Margate Lucy is getting a makeover. Wow, has it really been over three years since I hung out inside of Lucy?

-Internet radio is on hiatus today in protest of a recent ruling that caused royalty rates to skyrocket. I knew this online digital music thing was just a fad. I'm gonna make a fortune selling all the cassettes I've been hoarding the past few years!

-The shocking murder/suicide of Chris Benoit and his family may have had something to do with steroids, not surprisingly. The number of pro wrestlers who die before they turn 50 is staggering.

-Happy birthday to Willie's favorite player Michael Vick. I heard that for his birthday he got a new puppy!

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June 25, 2007

Let's take this back to the old school

Das Efx is one of my favorite groups of all time, and their first album is in my top 5 hip hop albums ever. They are certainly one of the most underrated. They completely changed the rap game in the early 90s with their insane iggedy metaphors and 1970s and 80s pop culture references. The lyrics on their first album were incredible. The following is from the song "East Coast":
Yo I'm back, black, heavens-to-Betsy, time to get loose
I took a bite outta crime, washed it down with some juice
I'm not the New Kids, but I'm knockin blocks off, sonny
Yep I rock like the Stones plus I'm rollin in the money
So diggity-ask about, I know you digs me like a shovel
I kick straps for sport cos I'm short like Barney Rubble
Check the slang, boogity-bang, umm, I goes berserk
when I flex like Popeye, I fight like Cap' Kirk
So bozo, I'm knockin em out the box by the pair
I'm high strung, my tongue got moves like Fred Astaire

Unfortunately, everybody stole their style, so then they tried to go "gangsta", which wasn't their their strength, and they fell off pretty quickly.

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June 22, 2007

Watched In Her Shoes

So I went over to a certain friends house yesterday (to protect his identity and image, I will not reveal his name, though it may or may not rhyme with Bolivia Bart) and he was watching "In Her Shoes". He quickly made the announcement that he was watching it "for the Philly scenes and to see Cameron Diaz dance around in her underwear", which he was forced to say according to several specific statutes in the Man Law. Anyways, I started watching it too, and I actually kind of liked it. It's always cool to see Philly stuff, and Cameron Diaz does indeed walk around in incredibly tight clothing throughout the film. And I thought the story was kind of original. As far as chick-flicks go, it really wasn't bad. For those of you keeping score at home, I have now come out and admitted that I liked Ride the Ducks and "In Her Shoes" this week. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make myself an appletini.

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Show tonight

Hey, I'm going to hosting a fundraiser tonight for my friends Brie and Bruce's acting troupe. Here's the details:
8:00 p.m. -- DJ Paddywagon
8:30 -- Dan Scholnick (on tabla) and Mike Moss, AKA King of Jeans (on tenor sax)
9:00 -- The Guided Tour DUI
10:30 -- The War on Drugs

Mum Puppettheatre
115 Arch Street, Philadelphia
8p.m. doors open
$10 suggested donation
Beer provided by Yards Brewery for a small donation
Free food provided by Whole Foods and Trader Joe's

Here's the description again:

The Guided Tour" -- that curious site-specific play on a tourist trolley -- was presented in the 2004 and 2006 Live Arts Festivals. "Guided Tour DUI" is a rare experiment between the creators of the show and Project P, a collective of local film enthusiasts. With the help of the P's, the cast of "Guided" will be performing a reading of the show with a film adaptation of the tour route projected behind them -- and sometimes on them. Oh, and we'll all be drinking the whole time, and so should you.

And! The War on Drugs -- one of the coolest indie bands ever and a side project of the famed Capitol Years -- will be joining us for our show! (We're paying them with beer and the magic of theater, but mostly just beer.)

And! DJ Paddywagon will be spinning (vinyl, that is) throughout the night.

And! Dorothy Robinson -- Philadelphia Metro Entertainment Editor - will our special guest bartender.

That's a whole lot for $10.

Posted at 10:11 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Correction (Updated)

The Kildare's in question in Best Of Philly Style was the one in Headhouse Square, not the one in the burbs. It's on Tuesday nights at 9 p.m. So if anyone wants to check it out and let me know how it is, that would be great. And I was right: Starbucks did win best coffee for the 2nd straight year. I'll find one of these mags soon and we'll see what won what.
UPDATE: Just saw their website. I was not in the top 4 quizzos, being passed by Kildare's, Fado's, Fergie's, and New Deck. Kildare's came away the big winners, with Best Quizzo, Best Bar in the Burbs, and Best Bartender. Philly Style's write-up of the bar included this classic line: "The authenticity of Kildare's decor and cuisine might make you feel like you're somewhere on the Emerald Isle." Which is especially ironic, considering what Philadelphia Mag wrote a couple of months ago: Kildare’s, however, is “authentic” the same way Epcot Center’s World Showcase is — the spirit, the accoutrements and the cultural touchstones may all be there, but that’s where the authenticity ends. The first three Kildare’s were facsimiles that Magrogan put together through the Irish Pub Company, which is essentially a bar-in-a-box-type factory that helps you, young budding publican, become owner of an authentic Irish pub — outfitting your location with custom-made Irish bric-a-brac, sharing Irish recipes, recommending outsource agencies from which to hire “authentic” Irish staff, even offering naming suggestions. (Add “& Sons” or “& Daughters” for authenticity.) The company was featured in a 2006 Slate.com article called “Ireland’s ‘Crack’ Habit,” which outlined how faux Irish pubs have become huge business in all parts of the world — even Ireland. Magrogan’s last three pubs were built through another Irish pub warehouse company, called Bar None, that’s based in the not-so-­authentic Irish realm of Canada.

Anyways, I'm done whining about this. No seriously. Done. Me. With this...Kildare's? Are you serio...No, sorry, that was a slip. Kildare's is fine. It's kool. And hell, even I'll admit that PSM got some stuff right. The Roots are a great band, Monk's has a good beer menu, and McGillan's has a really good karaoke.

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June 21, 2007

Around the Horn

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-Fantastic article in today's Daily News about Little League baseball in Strawberry Mansion. The pic is of me and my team and the trophies you guys helped pay for.

-Is quizzo harder than Jeopardy? This from Dan Gross: Who is Jared Cohen? This Narberth man raked in $27,000 over three nights on "Jeopardy" last week," but didn't fare as well playing Quizzo at Manayunk's Bayou Bar & Grill (4245 Main). Cohen, a 25-year-old private-equity analyst, celebrated his first night of victory there Wednesday, watching the show with 15 friends. The Penn State grad and pals stuck around for the pub quiz afterward, and Cohen's crew didn't come close to victory. Bayou owner Joe Abruzzo figures the bar's game must be harder than "Jeopardy." But we imagine Cohen's happier with his TV cash than a free bar tab.

-Good news! This from wikipedia: All-4-One are currently recording their 7th Studio album aptly titled "7" due to be released late spring/early summer.

-OK, so this is kind of weird. Michael Gross and Meredith Baxter played the mom and dad on Family Ties. But did you know they were born on the exact same day? They both turn 60 today. And Happy Birthday to Kip WInger, who turns 46.

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June 20, 2007

Around the Horn

-Trivia Art's latest in the Metro. As for his foot? Well, he's had a lot of hot girls sign his cast, so it hasn't been all bad.

-Will Philadelphia's food Zorro be unmasked? Looks like the owner of Chops could be the Velma to Laban's Mr. Peters, the caretaker of the old stadium. "And I would have gotten away with it to, if it wasn't for you steak frites!"

-Apparently there is gonna be a videogame about the show The Office, which is sure to be awful, though the show is great. Die Actor Die host Don Montrey thinks of some other tv shows turned video game failures. The best one I could come up with was Small Wonder vs. Terminator: Android vs. Cyborg. You guys got any good failed Tv shows turned video games.

-And happy birthday Lionel Richie! If anybody can't find me at the Black Sheep tonight, just look up. I'll be dancing on the ceiling.

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Vento goes back for 16th minute

Joey Vento, the owner of Geno's Cheese Steaks agreed to a debate with a woman with a pretty impressive resume. Tell me this doesn't look like a blowout. Granted, Vento gets the home field advantage, but this lady probably actually has a few facts at her disposal, as opposed to an ability to talk like a numbskull and make a mediocre sandwich. Hey bub, your inane platitudes might work with Neil Cavuto, but I doubt they are gonna go over so well with Ms. Bernstein-Baker. Man, I wish I wasn't working that night.

Of course, the delicious ironies surrounding the whole Vento affair have been documented in detail, but I think my favorite is that the sign, "This is America: When Ordering, 'Speak English'" is written in incorrect English. Who exactly is he quoting when he uses quotes for 'Speak English'?

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June 19, 2007

Kildare's hosts Philly's Best Quizzo!

A major smack talking storm was started last year when Philly Style Magazine (you can find a picture of them right next to the word "irrelevance" in the dictionary) picked Fado as Best Quizzo in Philadelphia.

So you can imagine the joy I felt when I came across Dan Gross's column today and saw who Philly Style Mag named Best Quizzo this year: Kildare's. I am not kidding. The bar that is to Irish pubs as Applebee's is to fine dining apparently now hosts the best quizzo in Philadelphia. But be forewarned: you're not allowed in the door without popping your collar. (Please note that while I am dogging on Kildare's and Philly Style, I am not dogging on the actual Kildare's quizzo. I have never played it, nor met anyone who has played it, so it might be good. In fact, it gets a great review from myquizzo.com. But it's in King of Prussia, which last I checked wasn't Philly. And let's face it, I'm not writing this because I am really pissed, but because I love dogging on things like Kildare's and Philly Style Magazine. If Dark Horse John or Pat Hines or Quizmaster Chris had won, I would be offering a hearty congrats, but two faux Irish bars winning it back to back kind of shows you how well PSM and it's readers "get it".) I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that Starbucks is gonna get best coffee in Philly, just like it did last year. Because after all, nothing says Philly like Starbucks. And nothing says Philly like a faux Irish pub in King of Prussia.
RELATED: Philly Mag isn't a big fan of Philly Style Mag's "Best Of" either.

P.S. I hope none of my Little Leaguers reads this, coming as it does less than a week after I gave them a big speech on "good sportsmanship". Remember kids, do as I say, not as I do.

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JGT interviewed...in Daily News Crime Blog???

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Hey gang, I was recently interviewed by Daily News Crime Reporter Simone Weichselbaum. Wha??? You'll have to see for yourself. Here is part one, where she just writes her thoughts, and here is part two, her interview with me. Oh,and she called you guys "yuppies", which I think is pretty funny.

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June 18, 2007

Last weeks winners

On this date 40 years ago Jimi Hendrix pulled off one of the most electrifying stage acts ever, burning his guitar on stage. Therefore we are going to honor the guitar legend with questions about him under pics of last weeks winners.

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Redcoats be gone!

It was on this date in 1778 that we returned from Valley Forge to kick the Brits out of our fair city. Here is a brief chronology of Philly's two years of fighting those bloody Brits.
RELATED: More kickass military action this date in 1815. The Battle of Waterloo.

Posted at 11:38 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

June 15, 2007

Basketball game tonight

My Little League All Star game is tonight from 5:30 pm to 7:30 pm, and if any of you are in the neighborhood, it would be great if you could swing by and watch a little of the game. I will be rocking it on the PA. Action is at the 17th and Christian YMCA.

Posted at 11:22 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

June 14, 2007

A Happy butt is a clean butt

-Britney Spears is asking her fans to help her name her new album. Among the choices are "Integrity" and "Dignity". Hmmm. A 55 hour marriage in Vegas, a marriage to the worst rapper ever, a divorce via text message, several drunken nights in crotchless panties, several drunken nights with boobs hanging out of dress, a shaved head, and a total meltdown. I'm not sure "Dignity" is necessarily a good word choice here. How about some more realistic choices, for albums, like "Slave 4 Booze" or "Oops...I Married K-Fed"? Anybody else got some good Britney album titles?

-The video on this page needs to be seen. You have to notice how happy these people are to have a clean butt. "I don't know how I lived before Cleanbutt." The best part is that this is a real product. Safe for Work, but your boss may think you've lost your mind.

-Little League game manana. 17th and Christian YMCA. 6 p.m. We're giving the players the trophies after the game that you guys helped to pay for this week. Thanks again for your help! Hope some of you guys can make it.

Posted at 11:23 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

June 13, 2007

Former RPS competitor gets in Guiness Book

Doug Williams, who used to be a regular on the local RPS scene and who finished 2nd a couple of years ago in the City League Championship, recently got into the Guinness Book of World Records for having the world's longest nipple hair, over 5 inches long. After setting the record, he said, proudly, "“I am not attempting this record for the money. It is enough for me to know that I can inspire an entire generation of young people, mostly boys, to grow long body hairs and achieve their own dreams.”

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June 12, 2007

Quizzo for the Cause

I am raising money again for my basketball league. We had a second half of the longest Little League basketball season ever (we started in October. The NBA starts in November. We're both finishing up now.) Anyways, we're getting trophies for the 2nd half of the season, so I'm asking everyone who plays to donate a dollar towards the trophies. Also, our all-star games are friday, starting at 5:30 p.m. It would be AWESOME if any of you guys could make it. I'd love for these kids to get to play in front of a nice sized crowd. Plus, as an added bonus, you get me doing the PA for the games, and I have to admit, I'm freaking phenomenal as a PA announcer and B-ball DJ. It sounds like the Wachovia Center in there, I swear. Anyways, it's gonna be at the Christian Street YMCA (17th and Christian) on friday at 5:30 p.m. There are two games, and the 2nd one will be a little higher quality, since it's the older kids (11-12). Tip off for that one should be around 6:15 p.m. Hope some of you guys can make it.

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Photos of Winners

Alright, I've been having some major computer problems, but i think I can finally post these photos. So I'll post questions underneath them about people who have disappeared. One guess per person.

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Running a little behind

Yeah, so, uh, I didn't get those photos up yet, and now I gotta right my Metro column. I ran late shooting a porno last night. Details forthcoming. But I promise to get the photos up later today.

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June 11, 2007


Been spending all day tooling around with Hopalong Art. Watching V or Vendetta and trying to figure out how to use to use my new videocamera. Working on a film tonight. More details forthcoming. Also, I think the pics are working again, so I'll be posting the photos of last weeks winners tonight. Holla atcha soon.

Posted at 4:28 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

June 8, 2007

JGT Out of retirement

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Defending City League Champion Johnny Goodtimes shocked the local R Paper Scissors establishment when he announced on friday that he was coming out of retirement to take part in this years RPS Championship. Goodtimes, who earned a spot in the championship due to his shocking upset victory last year, announced his retirement after the competition, and stood by it for an entire year. But his competitive juices were flowing, and he decided to come back this year, "For the children." Goodtimes, who is extremely unpopular on the RPS circuit, also threw in some shots at his competitors. In the message posted on the PBRRPS website, he told the other competitors, "The surest way of not being humiliated by a great champion like myself isstaying home tomorrow night, and crying your sorry self to sleep, knowing that you will never be a champion, and I will always be a champion."

JGT will also be emceeing the event, but he will not be rapping.

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Most popular websites

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This week, the speed round was name the most popular websites in the US, according to Alexa. They were, in order: Yahoo, Google, MySpace, MSN, Youtube, EBay, Facebook, craigslist, live.com, wikipedia, Amazon, AOL. Some popular guesses? ESPN (14th), CNN (15th), Mapquest (23rd), Weather (24th), NY Times (26th), and Orbitz (80th). Here is the top 100. (Oh, and in case you are wondering, I don't know my rank in the US, but worldwide I'm holding steady at 791,814th. That's right, people. I'm in the top million. Maybe we should have a festival dedicated to that.)

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June 7, 2007

Some Random Numbers

Some random Numbers from JohnnyGoodtimes.com.
2,874 - Number a pageviews in the last month for a post about the pornstar Houston sleeping with 620 men in a day.

3 - Number of visitors from Egypt. One of whom found the site by the search term sex + pizza.

80 - Number of people visiting JohnnyGoodtimes.com looking for Jam Master Sean.

86 - Number of times people asked JohnnyGoodtimes.com if Anton Ohno is gay.

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Goodtimes Tries Again

Not much luck on the dating scene lately, so I decided to try craigslist again. Let's hope this works.

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June 6, 2007

Around the Horn

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-Wow, did you see Sarah SIlverman rip Paris Hilton last night? Priceless. Jack Nicholson enjoyed it. I think Paris should write a book and call it, "When Bad Things Happen to Bad People."

-You guys heard of Gary Webb, the journalist who discovered that the CIA was putting crack in the inner cities who was then discredited and his career ruined by the liberal NY Times and Washington Post? Pretty fascinating stuff.

-Happy birthday Bjorn Borg! Just say his name 5 times and see if you're smiling. You are.

-That TB guy is gonna be on Larry King Live tonight. He's the biggest media whore since Bono. Geez, if I knew all it took to be famous was to contract deadly tuberculosis, I would have caught it years ago.

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What kind of festival should we have?

Well, Rubefest was almost a reality except for one thing: beer. I had a great space (outside at Jamaican Jerk Hut) but I couldn't charge people to attend if I had booze (it's a BYO), and I didn't have enough time to get kegs donated. But I still think we could have a great event, maybe in July, with music, food, and booze, but we need something Phillycentric and/or absurd to celebrate. Any ideas?

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Trivia Art: Good News, Bad News

The good news (for him) is that my freaking editor gave Art more space in the paper than she gave me, and he does a good job with it again this week, writing about good Happy Hours. The bad news is that he blew out his Achilles tendon the other night while walking home. He stepped on a hubcap and came down awkwardly. Only in Philadelphia can you hurt yourself by stepping on litter. Anyways, tell Art to get better soon.

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June 5, 2007

What's the best bar in Philly, Part II

ALright, I posted a column a couple of weeks ago where I asked what the best non JGT quizzo related bar in Philly was. Got a lot of answers, so I had to narrow it down somewhat but still giving you a bunch of choices, and an "other" option if you feel like you need to write one in.

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Post game adventures

Needless to say, the game went well. The Phillies really put up a spirited fight. But hey, I got a Schmitter and still had a good time. So after the game, me and the crew went to the Cantina, where they have happy hour pitchers of Margaritas for $10. After stumbling out of there, Nate and I were walking at around 12th and Washington when a disheveled, moderately crazy looking guy, wearing three winter coats on an 80 degree day and waiting for the bus with a bag lady, noticed our Phillies shirts. We thought he was gonna ask us for change. "As a Phillies fan for 40 years, can I tell you guys something?" he asked rhetorically and a little wild eyed. "Never go to the businessman special. They always lose the businessman special games. They don't even try. What was it, 8-1?" We told him yes and he replied, "See, I told you, they don't even try. You can go to the Sunday day games, but don't bother with the businessman specials." The bag lady started screaming madly at him. "They don't care!! Shut up!!" (You know that optical illusion where one of them is a pretty young lady with a necklace and the other one is an old lady with a bonnet over her head? She looked exactly like that old lady.) He continued. "That was a nice blast by Victorino yesterday wasn't it? You can go to the Sunday day games, that's fine. They try to win those." The bag lady screamed again like a 3 year old. "The bus is here!!!!" "But they always lose the businessman specials. Been losing them for 40 years." He spun on his heels and hopped on the bus. And that, my friends, is what happens to Phillies fans when they get older. They begin stocking up on winter coats and dating angry bag ladies.

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June 4, 2007

Around the Horn

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-If you are looking to participate in this years City League Rock Paper Scissors Championship, you better play this week. "But Johnny, I haven't played yet. There's no way I can earn enough points to move to the Championship." Oh, but there is. Jam Master Sean has decided to make this week double points week. So win a match or two and you should be eligible to knock off the cities defending champion, whoever that might be (ahem).

-The Phillie foie gras war is heating up. A cover story in the Sunday Inky. Of course, this follows the surreal standoff at Le Bec Fin a couple of weeks ago when some enormous rich guy pulled out his dong and wagged it at a bunch of protesters. I remember the last time I whipped out my unit at Le Bec Fin. It didn't go over as well as I had hoped.

-It was on this date in 1919 that Congress approved the 19th Amendment, giving women the right to vote. And the country has gone to hell in a handbasket ever since.

-There is a MAJOR quizzo development in the works for mid August. Details in the coming weeks.

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June 1, 2007

Hardest questions of the week

See how ya do with the toughest questions of the week. Answers are after the jump. Lots of new blood won this week. Details this afternoon.

1. What is the only mammal with a poisous sting?

2. In what European city is NATO headquartered?

3. This creature with a vicious sting is actually a colony of specialize polyps and medusoids. (Hint: It's not a jellyfish)

4. What 1984 movie had the tagline, "It's the time of your life that may last a lifetime"?

5. Memorial Day was originally conceived to honor soldiers from what war?

6. What future baseball Hall of Famer was drafted by the San Diego Padres, the Minesota Vikings, and the Atlanta Hawks in 1973?

7. Charles Dickinson was a renowned duelist, having killed 26 men until he himself was killed on May 30, 1806. Who killed him in a duel?

8. What two enormous North American breweries merged in February of 2005?

9. What movie from the 2000s had the tagline, "Family isn't a word. It's a sentence."?

10. What EU nation has a national language that less than 10% of the population speaks fluently, and which over a third of the population can't speak at all?

1. Duck billed platypus
2. Brussels
3. Portuguese Man O'War
4. 16 Candles
5. US Civil War
6. Dave Winfield
7. Andrew Jackson
8. Coors and Molson
9. Royal Tenenbaums
10. Ireland (Gaelic)

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May 31, 2007

Annnnnd...we're back

Freaking server crashed again. 2nd time in two weeks. Awesome. Anyways, now I gotta go to my basketball game (playoffs start tonight!!!) and then to quizzo. But first a quick note:
Today is Wesley Willis's birthday. He would be 44 today if he were still alive. Rock over London. Rock on Chicago!

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May 30, 2007

Around the Horn, brought to you by Lucy

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-Bo has been one of my best friends since before we were born. Our moms were friends when they were both pregnant with us. Well, he's got a baby now named Lucy (above left) who her first birthday on Sunday. It was a great first birthday party. I mean, I had a great first birthday party, but this one was even better. I didn't have duck cake.

-Last year, I said that Tacconelli's tied with Tony's for best pizza in Philly. The accolades haven't stopped coming. 'Nelli's was named best pizza by Glenn Macnow in a recent 610 WIP pizza hunt, and just got a pretty good review from the Philadelphia Weekly.

-Charles Nelson Reilly! And Eva Gabor is totally hot. Thanks to Phil for sending this in.

-Is the next USFL on it's way? Let's hope so.

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Trivia Art in the Metro

The Metro is letting anybody write for it these days. Not only is JGT a contributing member, but now Trivia Art has a weekly column, highlighting some of the best food deals in town. Here is the first one.

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May 29, 2007


Kicking it in the Nassawadox (pop. 585) library. Gotta get my story done for Metro then hit the road, drive for 4 1/2 hours, and then come up with questions for tonight, then host quizzo. Not the kind of day Philly's only true man of leisure enjoys. I'll have a question of the week up shortly. The wedding went well, and I spent all day yesterday on a secluded beach with about10 of my closest friends. Hard to beat. Hope you guys had a good holiday. I mean, every Monday is a holiday for me, but I know that things are different for you people. Anyway, I'll holla atcha soon with a question of the week.

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May 25, 2007

Let's get this Party Started

The delegates began meeting on this date, 220 years ago, to write one of the most kickass documents ever penned, the US Constitution. And you know where that jawn went down. In the illadel, PA, live with out a DJ.
RELATED: The Articles of Confederation blow, let's try something new.

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Hands Across America

It was on this date in 1986 that the famous Hands Across America took place. So I must know...did anyone of you guys participate? Oh, and I'm watching the 10! show right now b/c a friend of mine told me that Craig Laban was on. And Laban says that the inspiration for his terrible cheeseburger song came from the Good Dog Burger! So congrats, Good Dog! Your burger inspired the worst celebrity song since Don Johnson did "Heartbeat."

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I was walking home from the Black Sheep and met these two girls who were headed south as well. They told me that A) Alfa was a great bar to meet women (I've never been) and B) I had to see the video for "Shoes". Watched it this morning. Kind of amusing. Here it is. (NSFW due to cussing)

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May 24, 2007

Around the horn

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-Craig Laban just released a song about hamburgers. It is, quite frankly, the worst thing I've ever seen. Is this the future of newspapers that Tierney keeps talking about? If so, uh-oh. Can we expect Bill Conlin to do a rap about the Phils bullpen now?

-Dick Cheney's gay daughter just had a baby. It's gotta be tough for Dick. I mean, on one, hand, he's trying to fight this war on terror, and on the other hand, we all know that the gays are the only thing more of a threat to our freedom than terrorists.

-Happy Birthdays to both Bob Dylan and Tommy Chong. Sadly, both men have smoked the pot, which is the the only thing more dangerous to America's future than gays, who are almost as dangerous to our freedom as the Mexicans. Did you know that Mexicans can shoot lasers out of their eyes that can kill you? It's true. BUILD THAT FENCE NOW!!!

-The team above won at a private gig I did in West Philly on Friday. It was held in an unfinished warehouse room, the kind of warehouse room where I thought it was a trick and that they were kidnapping me and holding me for ransom in a place that no-one could possibly find me. Turns out they were just using the room for storage for their company, Neatreceipts.

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May 23, 2007

Hardest questions from last week

Here's some tough ones from last weeks quizzo. See how you do. Answers are after the jump:
1. What is the visual processing center of the mammalian brain, which contains most of the visual cortex, known as?

2. What is the only Shakespeare comedy set in England, as is evidenced by its title?

3. The Asylum for the Relief of Persons Deprived of the Use of their Reason was opened by Quakers on 4641 Roosevelt Boulevard in 1813. What is the hospital known as now?

4. What group recorded a song called Brain Damage in 1972?

5. What is two fathoms, or twelve feet, also known as on the MIssissippi river?

6. In what 1990s film would you hear the line: It's Ok. I wouldn't remember me either."

7. How many players are on a side in a game of regulation water polo, including the goalie?

8. This acclaimed actor and director appeared in Rebel Without a Cause, wrote, directed and acted in a famous 1969 film, and was nominated for an Academy Award in 1986.

9. Many people celebrate the Independence day of this European country by eating lutefisk, lefser, and aquavit.

10. What was the first James Bond film?

1. Occipital lobe
2. Merry Wives of Windsor
3. Friends Hospital
4. Pink Floyd
5. Mark Twain
6. AMerican Beauty
7. seven
8. Dennis Hopper
9. Norway
10. Dr. No

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Mornin' Thoughts

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-The picture above is of Badger Tsunami. They won a couple of weeks ago at O'Neals, but I never got their photo up Until now. So, um, there it is. Badger Tsunamis are the most dangerous natural disasters of all.

-Gay flamingoes have adopted a small chick. I knew stuff like this would happen when Jerry Falwell died. I just knew it.

-Everybody is crying over illegal immigrants. Why aren't people in an uproar about illegal employers? Interestingly, they were often fined under Clinton but are almost never fined under Bush.

-Am I the only one who feels just awful for the Celtics? I mean, they tried as hard as they could to tank basketball games last year, completely ruining the integrity of one of the proudest franchises in sports, and then they only got the fifth pick. Well, Boston, I can only say that those of use in Philly would like to express our HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! LOSERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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May 22, 2007

Juggling battle

Yeah, so this is pretty crazy. The video above is pretty impressive. But apparently another juggler decided to call the juggler out by making a diss video, in which he does the same tricks but with more balls in an empty gym. I guess he thought Juggler #1 had sold out to the masses. Whoa, this is like the new East Coast-West Coast jawn.

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Station Break

Yo, I gotta work on my Metro column. In the meantime, a few blasts from the pasts.
May 2006: Ginger and I go to Camden.
May 2005: JGT makes his first ever trip to Intercourse.
May 2004: Johnny out late with Jersey girl (she's the one in the middle of the girls)

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May 21, 2007

What's the Best Bar in Philadelphia?

Well, as I stated before, I tried out Friendly's Lounge at 8th and Washington after I learned from Foobooz that it was one of the top 50 bars in America. And it was OK. But I can't say with a clear conscience that it was the best bar in Philadelphia. So then I got to thinking, "Well, what is?" I do have to say somewhat proudly that w/o even needing to shill, all of the places that I do quizzos are damn good bars. But I will remove them from contention to be fair and balanced. (You are welcome to include them below.) What do we mean by best bar? I think we have to set ground rules and say that it is a bar first, restaurant 2nd. It can still have good food, but that can't be the main reason to go. I'm a big fan of some of the ones in my 'hood, such as Grace's, Doobie's, and Sidecar. I also love Nick's Roast Beef in South Philly and in Old City. Yeah, it's got food in the title, but I still think of it as a bar first. I like Bob and Barbara's, despite all the hipsters. But I think I gotta go with Oscar's. Cheap beer, strange old fashioned drinks, and damn good cheesesteaks. And best of all, a very diverse crowd at all times. You got students, lawyers, convicts, and quizmasters. And they pour a pretty good Guiness at a damn good price. You guys post your favorite spot, and then we'll take a vote, and see what the verdict is. What's your favorite bar in Philly?

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The Weekend

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Damn good weekend. I ended up saying the hell with Intercourse, and staying right here in Philly. And the Italian Market Festival was well worth staying in town for. Great music, great food, great times. Besides, there is a decent chance that Philly will be having its own RubeFest this year anyway, so why go all the way to Intercourse? Black Landlord (above) rocked the house on Saturday, and I made my way to Friendly Lounge for a drink as well. The Friendly Lounge that Esquire Magazine recently named one of the Top 50 bars in America. Um, yeah. The owner was friendly, for sure, but even he had no idea in hell why they made that list.

The Phillies took two of three this weekend. Guess which game I made it to? Yeah, if you guessed the 13-2 loss give yourself a high five. The highlight of the game came just before the 8th inning when "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" came on the jukebox and Chill Rob A said, in dead seriousness, "Aw man, I love this song!" It was a group of 7 guys out for the game, so needless to say that the only person who caught more ribbing than Clay Condrey that night was Chill Rob. I told him that I was gonna find the people in charge of the music and make a request for, "I Think We're Alone Now."

Back to the Market on Sunday, then off to negotiations for RubeFest. Waiting to hear back. If City Hall cooperates, this is gonna be one hell of a festival.

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May 18, 2007

Holy Freaking cow! ANother kickass festival this weekend!

Dude, this is the craziest weekend ever (until Rubefest, hopefully in early June). In addition to the Rittenhouse Jam Session and the Italian Market Festival, the Trenton Ave. Art Festival in Fishtown is going to be happening on Saturday. This includes a Kinetic Sculpture Race, which is when people make a tricycle look like a giant turkey and then race. Plus, the Phils are gonna sweep the Blue Jays and move over .500. Who needs Intercourse?
UPDATE: It's supposed to rain all freaking weekend. Aaaarg!

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Music in the Park on Saturday

There is gonna be a musical protest in Rittenhouse Park on Saturday at 1 p.m. Musicians will be playing, at least until Philly's finest show up and take them to jail, where this riff-raff belongs.
RELATED: JGT goes off on lack of tunes in Rittenhouse.

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Italian Market Fest

If you can't make it to Rhubarb Fest, or are bitter because they have their Bake Off on a friday, which is total bulls***, then I highly suggest the Italian Market Festival. THis weekend, they are going to honor the Philadelphia Sound, so it should be awesome. And today, I am going to be working on making Philadelphia RubeFest a reality.

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Pick up another Metro

I know, I know, you picked up a Metro yesterday. Well, pick one up today because Steve-O (pictured above, with Fabio. God, I loved writing that) is interviewed in it.

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May 17, 2007

Bad News on the Rhubarb Front

I called today to pre-register for the Rhubarb Festival when I got some terrible news: the Intercourse Rhubarb Bake-Off is on Friday, not Saturday. And pardon my French, but that is total bulls***. I mean, seriously, who can enter a Bake-off on a Friday at 10 a.m.? Who? I'll tell you who. Housewives. This contest is totally fixed so that they win every goddamm year. It is ridiculous. I might still go to the Festival on Saturday, but it will be with a sour taste in my mouth. And that taste won't be rhubarb.

So here is my thought: We should have a 1st annual Philadelphia Rhuabarb Festival in June. I am serious. Let's challenge all the local dessert chefs to come up with the best rhubarb dessert. And then we get really drunk. Who's with me?

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May 15, 2007

Coming Wednesday!!!

Full City vs. City Smackdown results from across 9 cities in North America!!!

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So the Bowling party went well

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Yeah, after a particularly devastating loss, I drowned my sorrows with an inverted keg stand which, in hindsight, wasn't an extremely brilliant idea. But I did last full 12 seconds. Not bad for an old veteran. I'll have more about bowling in the Metro on Thursday.

The bowling party, by the way, was a remarkable success, as long as you don't judge it by my success on the lanes. I quit angrily in the 8th frame of the first game, and only bowled a 103 in game #2. Nonetheless, I definitely think that there needs to be another bowling party in the near future.
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Real Quick

Gotta get to work on my Metro piece, but I got a lot to write about here, too. So check back this afternoon. In the meantime, a couple of quick bits:

-Here's a funny sign Quizmaster Chris has noticed in the subway.

-Here's a write up the Washington Post had up for City vs. City Smackdown.

-Philly came in 9th in road rage in the latest poll. We would have come in first, but our bullpen keeps accidentally giving the thumbs up instead of the bird.

-Oh, if the teams playing tonight have any hope of knocking off Philly, they better BRING IT. 'Cause the Illa represented last night. Big time.

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May 11, 2007

Baseball, Pizza, and Sex Toys

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Ginger, Darren from Devil's Alley and I headed over to Camden on Thursday morning. But things got weird before I got more than a block from my house when I saw, lying in the middle of 19th and Bainbridge, a sexual aid, as it were (mildly disturbing picture after the jump). Things got even weirder when we hopped off the red line in Camden. The red line has cards which you have to put in the turnstiles to get you through. I put mine in, but I couldn't get through. I tried time and time again to no avail. Finally I hopped the turnstile. That's when the voice of God came through a nearby drive thru speaker. "Hey you, in the white shirt, you need to go to City Hall and turn yourself in." The voice of God (which was female by the way) was asking me to make a citizen's arrest of myself. It was then that I realized that it wasn't the voice of God but that I had been caught on a surveillance cam (above) hopping the turnstile and that the voice of God was a woman who spends her day watching the monitor, waiting for creeps like me to break the law. The woman then called a nearby phone. I pleaded my case, and was given my freedom. Once that was settled, it was on to the game.

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When we arrived at the game, it became apparent that almost everyone there was between the ages of 6-10. Which made me feel like a creep for wearing my "Virginia May Be For Lovers, But Pennsylvania Has Intercourse" t-shirt. The view was tremendous, the game was pretty good, and a fine time was had by all. When I showed Suzy the pic above, she thought it was real. "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Somebody at 19th and Bainbridge had their thing cut off?" I swear she said that, and meant it. Unbelievable. Anyways, the Sharks had a 2-1 lead going into the 9th inning and then their bullpen blew it, and they lost 6-2. It seems that PBS (pathetic bullpen syndrome) is catching all over the area. Then, after the game, we went to Guido's Pizza in Camden. Hopefully have a review soon.

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May 10, 2007

Yeah, it was fun

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Darren from Devil's Alley, Ginger and I all had a damn fine day at the ballpark. Got a couple of funny stories to share, but will have to wait till manana so I can come up with these questions for tonight.

As for City vs. City Smackdown, tonight is the last night to earn an automatic invite. You gotta win at Good Dog or Bards. Here are the teams that are in for Smackdown so far:
Young Old and Restles
Satan's MIinions
Sofa Kingdom
Top team from Rembrandt's
Steve O.'s team
Team that won Tuesday at O'Neals

And a couple of question marks:
Trivia Art's team
River of Rocks
Trust Us We Know
The Team that Aways Changes it's Name
Dork Sided

The Narkotyzing Dysfunktion is the only team that has declined their invite. Speaking of them, I do still have some tix for sale for the $10 all you can bowl all you can drink bowling party that a few of their members are putting on tommorrow night. See me at quizzo tonight if ou wanna buy tix.

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May 9, 2007

Quick notes

-Slight correction: I know I said that the winner of city vs. city smackdown would get $950. Actually, I forgot we're giving away $150 prize for 2nd. Winner can win $800. Still not a bad day at the races.

-A couple of people are heading with me to ballpark tomorrow, including the lovely Ginger. The Riversharks are currently 3-1. That's right, this is your chance to see a local team above .500!!! Weather forecast is 80 degrees with a slight breeze,and the stadium is widely considered one of the best in minor league baseball. Just call out of work and watch some 11 a.m. baseball. Don't be a jerk. Holla at me if you wanna go.

-I do have tix on sale for the bowling party. They are going quick. I think this thing is gonna sell out before Friday, b/c you couldn't get into an all you can drink bowling party with 2 DJs for $10 in the midst of the Great Depression. Anyway, you can buy your tix from me at quizzo or get them here.

-Alcohol makes your brain smaller, which makes quizzo kind of ironic. Let's shrink our brains tonight!

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There are rumors that Chip Chantry and I will be reuniting in a couple of weeks for a one time only Wheel of Terrific reunion. These rumors are absurd. Chip and I had a huge falling out after the Wheel of Terrific was taken off the air. I blamed us getting fired on him (he was repeatedly showing up for performances high on glue) and he blamed it on me (I spoke in broken Japanese throughout every show). So no, we will certainly not be reuniting for a one time only performance of the Wheel of Terrific. That's just stupid.
RELATED: Chip reviews album covers in this weeks Philadelphia Weekly.

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May 8, 2007

A Night in Jail

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Well, it looks like America's favorite racist drunken whore (sorry Lindsay Lohan) is heading to the clink. And we here at JGT headquarters couldn't feel worse about it. Fortunately, I've heard that being a person of extreme privilege goes over really well in jail.
RELATED: This whole thing has inspired me. Let's have some fun with words! A shiv (from the Romani word chiv) is a slang term for a sharp or pointed implement used as an improvised knife-like weapon...A related term is shank or shift. While the words are used interchangeably, the difference is that a shank is a type of shiv that is fashioned from the metal shank of a prison-issued boot or shoe. Since inmates were able to fashion effective shivs out of metal shanks, most (if not all) prisons no longer issue footwear with metal shank...Shank is sometimes also used as a verb, meaning "To stab someone, usually with a shiv, multiple times in a quick succession." (Wikipedia. Photo courtesy of Numbmonkey)

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May 7, 2007

Johnny Reads Philly Mag, so you don't have to!

Got my new Philly Mag in the other day. Though Philadelphia Magazine isn't usually that great, I do have to admit I get a little excited when I get my new one in the mail. Does that make me lame? Anyways, here's what they've got in the latest one:
-The opening sections, the Pulse and the Good Life, are pretty forgettable (best handbags take up two pages of content). On one page, they plug an upcoming Scarf Tying Event. "Join us in learning the many possibilities of wearing and tying your scarves." Wow, that sounds like a blast. Anybody know of any upcoming belt conventions?

-The Contrarian does a piece on how newspapers have become irrelevant. It's actually a great piece, and blasts the papers for their exhaustive boy in the box coverage, which was ridiculous. Good stuff.

-The Loco Parentis thing is about how hard it is to be a mom on the Main Line. I think. I've never actually taken the time to read it. But if you are a mother on the Main Line, this column is a must-read. Possibly.

-An article on the guy who used to in charge of 4th Street Deli who is now in charge of local zoning matters. I don't really care much about zoning, but the article did get me thinking about Famous 4th's cookies. Mmmmmmmm.

-A story about the Rosemount lady who created the soaps One Life to Live and All My Children. Mildly interesting to me. But if you are a mother on the Main Line, this is a must-read.

-OK, now here's the fun one. This one is about a guy who sounds so much like a douchebag that at one point in the column, the writer actually writes, "What's most amazing about Dave Magrogan is that he's not a roaring douchebag." That is amazing, considering that he
A) owns Kildare's, the ultimate douchebag bar
B) drives a Hummer, the ultimate douchebag vehicle
C) Well, I'll just let you read this part: From there, Kildare's is looking at spots in Baltimore, DC, Delaware, Florida, Las Vegas. Is this selling out? "Hey, there are over 1,800 Applebees. This is nothing." He wants to be the Applebee's of bars!

Yeah, if he's not a roaring douchebag, it will be the most amazing thing since space flight. This is the must read column in this months PhillyMag. (That being said, I do have to admit that dude's business acumen is pretty damn impressive. Went from broke to multi-millionaire by age 34.)

-Their endorsement for Nutter for Mayor is pretty good, and includes an excellent quote from Nutter that makes you wanna vote for him. This is worth reading.

-An absolute grilling of Tom Knox. While not a bad article, it goes overboard in its efforts to portray Knox as someone who is nothing short of evil. By the end, you wonder if the writer has a personal vendetta against Knox.

-A rundown of ethnic foods in Philly. Pretty good, but they call Gelato the next water ice. Please. The only people who want lilac flavored ice cream are jerks.

-Jessica Pressler does a write up on that kid in those Philly Car ads that aired during the Super Bowl. Apparently, he's gonna be the "next big thing." I'm a J-Press fan, and her light, airy writing style lends itself well to this story. But hey, I'm rooting for the kid she writes about. He seems nice enough, and I downloaded one of his tracks on Philly Mags website and it really wasn't that bad.

-Finally, the Tour de Force, the article on the behind the scenes battle that kept the Gross Clinic in Philly. Though the topic is fairly tired, writer Amy Korman does an excellent job of keeping it fresh and interesting, and defends it against the people who said, "Why can't we raise that kind of money for other things?" an argument I often make.

I gotta admit, this is one of the better issues of Philly Mag I've ever read. Of course, they've done this before, and I've been like, "Wow, looks like Philly mag is turning the corner and becoming a really good magazine." Then, the next month, they do 3 articles on Stephen Starr and two on Gervase. So it'll be interesting to see what happens next month.

Posted at 10:23 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (20)

Around the Horn

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-D-Mac interviews the co-chair of NORML in Philly.

-Foobooz asks, "Who has the best marguarita in town?"

-Hearty debate going on in comments section regarding music in Rittenhouse.

-Just when you thought things couldn't get worse for the Phils, one of their starters gets injured while shagging batting practice fly balls. Garcia is not the only Phillies pitcher to ever suffer a strange injury. Before he joined the Phils, Adam Eaton stabbed himself in the stomach as he was using a knife to open a DVD wrapper.

Posted at 9:56 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

I heartily endorse this product

There's a par-tay going down on Friday and I heartily encourage you guys to attend. In fact, it's kind of ridiculous how cheap this thing is. Ten bucks for all you can drink beer, bowling, and two DJs. You can order tickets by clicking here.
Friday, May 11th, 2007
9PM - 1AM
16th & Shunk
Philadelphia, PA, USA

Posted at 9:36 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

May 4, 2007

Anybody know where I can get a goat?

Hey, I'm planning on heading out to the goat races in Phoenixville this weekend, and I'd really like to enter a goat. Anyone know where I can find one? Oh, and if you're wondering where to go to see that other animal race this weekend, Foobooz tells you where you can get your mint julep on.

Posted at 12:00 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

May 3, 2007

PW Cover Story

Excellent cover story by Steve Volk at the Weekly. I know I'm not exactly digging deep to link to a freaking cover story, but this is good stuff. Alright, I'm heading off to Jake's Pizza on North Broad.

Posted at 1:49 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (5)

May 2, 2007

Dear Alycia

Alycia Lane is in hot water for sending bikini photos to Rich Eisen. Listen, Alycia,you need to stop sending photos of you in a bikini to married men. You need to start sending them to single men. Like me. My email address is johnnygoodtimes@hotmail.com. I will not contact the Post when I receive said photos. Thank you.

Posted at 11:10 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (10)

April 30, 2007

Too nice for blogging

Way too nice outside to sit here and talk about the Mayor's race or the Eagles QB situation. I'm gonna get the Ronnie Burger at the Exmore Diner, go kayaking for a little while, and then sit on my dads dock and do some reading. Did you people really think the life of leisure didn't extend beyond Philadelphia city limits?

Posted at 12:28 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

City vs. City Smackdown to be held at Rembrandt's

The City vs. City Smackdown will be going down on Monday, May 14th at 7:30 p.m. at Rembrandt's (23rd and Aspen). I will be inviting teams officially to play this week. Once we see how much room we have left, I will open it up to everyone else. Tix are $10 a piece, and winner will walk with $500, plus more once if they also beat teams in other cities.

Posted at 11:26 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (10)


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I'm hangin' out in the Dirty South this morning, after I headed down here on Saturday. The house pictured above is the one I grew up in, though my peeps no longer live there. I am currently right across the street, though, in the Nassawadox library. My folks live down a long dirt lane where they don't have access to high speed internet, so I went to the library (there are no coffee shops w/in 30 mile here). Anyways, questions with the photos this week will be about the DelMarVa peninsula. One guess per person. No looking up answers.

Posted at 10:27 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

April 26, 2007

Around the Horn

-In 1990, somebody at ABC had an idea. "What if we took a cop show and turned it into a heartwarming musical?" And the top brass at ABC said, "It's so crazy, it just might work!" And Cop Rock was born. It didn't work. It was just too artistic for American audiences.

-Pretty fascinating and scandalous history of American Bandstand.

-Sal Fasano could be called back up to the majors. The Blue Jays need a catcher, and they just picked up Fasano. We play the Blue Jays next month. And it would be cool if, in the 9th inning, Sal stepped aside and let a ball get past him with a runner on 3rd in a tie game and the runner scored and then Fasano pointed up at Sal's Pals, who have reunited one last time, and says, "That was for you guys." That would be awesome.

Posted at 9:41 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

April 25, 2007

Alien Betting

-I will totally change my mind and get behind Philly casinos if they'll let us bet on stuff like this:
British bookmakers wasted no time slashing the odds on aliens being discovered after astronomers announced Wednesday that they had discovered an Earth-like planet. William Hill cut the odds on proving the existence of extra-terrestrial life from 1,000-1 to 100-1.

Posted at 1:08 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

Now let's rag Seattle

Alright, we had our fun with Denver. Almost. But first...I was in Denver last year, and while it is a pretty nice city, the fever they have for their baseball team is...non-existent. They built the stadium way too big, so when their usual crowd of about 15,000 shows up it's kind of sad. Then those people just stare at the field for three hours. No cheering, no booing, I swear they just stare at the field. And the people there are none too bright either. We were giving away $25 gas cards to anyone who could beat me at hula-hooping, and nobody would do it! It was amazing. Those cards woulda been gone in 10 minutes in Philly, but in Denver, people just got uncomfortable and ran off (kind of like girls I talk to in bars). Anyways, I don't got much on Seattle, b/c I've never been. But in case you're wondering, it is one of the few cities we can make fun f b/c they haven't won a sports title since 1979. Now, bash away at the Emerald City.

Posted at 9:54 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (12)

April 24, 2007

Happy B-Day Ginger!

Today is Ginger's B-day. Her party is tonight at Bob and Barbara's at 9p.m. and you are all invited to swing by. If you want, you can wish her a Happy B-day below in comments or on her Myspace page. She's turning the big two-nine.

Posted at 3:11 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (4)

Denver is Talking Smack

The following was taken from Dicker's Geeks Who Drink website (yes, Denver's head quizmaster is named Dicker). If anyone would care to respond, I heartily invite you to go to Dicker's website and start talking smack.
Hey, Philly: When did you guys last have a championship that was at any level above a father & son game, 1983? Talk all you want about the body bag game but lets face facts, it PALES in comparison to THE DRIVE. The most talented athlete to come out of there isn't even real, but the guy that played him is...though he’s a 60 year old man getting busted in foreign countries with enough HGH to make Barry Bonds blush, boy Philly's battin' a thousand in the "we're almost great" category.

You can remember what that’s like right? Well, at least what its like to bat .300, I never thought we'd ever have to say "PLEASE COME BACK JOHN KRUCK!" So keep swingin for the fences kids, because come quiz time, we're gonna whomp you like you're a hooker and we’re Charlie Sheen on an 8 ball and a 6 pack of PBR tall boys! Later ya bastards!
RELATED: How much should we play for?

Posted at 12:22 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (44)

Party in the Gutter

That bowling party I was tellig y'all about is a go. Being put on by some members of Narcotizing Dysfunktion, including Badmintonstamper Philabuster, this is the best deal of any party I have ever heard of in my life. $10 for all you can drink and all you can bowl. Here's the release:
Basically, we’ll provide all you can drink beer, all you can eat fresh Philly pretzels, and free bowling on 12 lanes. We’re capping entry to 150 people, so everyone should get plenty of rollin’ in. We haven’t finalized the DJ line-up yet, but we promise it’ll be first-rate BadmintonStamps approved goodness. What do they call it? indiedance.cocainesexjams.thebangers? That music..

‘Cause we need to know how much booze to buy & how many people are coming to keep the party under control, we’re doing advance ticket sales. To buy tickets, click here. Please buy your ticket ASAP!
Friday, May 11th, 2007
9PM - 1AM
16th & Shunk
Philadelphia, PA, USA

Posted at 11:51 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

April 23, 2007

City vs. City Smackdown news

Alright, the City vs. Smackdown is starting to come together nicely. We have venues confirmed in Denver, Seattle, DC, Toronto, and here. I think I have a venue all ready to go, I just have to confirm this afternoon. Will let you know as soon as it is confirmed. It is gonna start as an invitational. I will be offering certain teams invites. Once that is done, I will open it up for other teams to enter, if there is any room left. I need a little help from you guys though. I need to know if you wanna keep it on the cheap or if you wanna play for big money. I can charge $5 a head, and winner walks with $250 ($75 for second), or we can go $10 a head and winner gets $500 ($150 for 2nd). That would be in addition to the $250 (currently) you will win if you beat all the teams in the other cities. There is limited seating, and I expect us to have a crowd of about 100-125. This is not a Quizzo Bowl type thing. No band, no dancers, just damn hard questions and some damn good teams. If you think your team is gonna win, I would suggest going $10 a head. Please answer the poll below if you plan to play.

Posted at 2:40 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (6)

Around the horn

-Yeah, today is the Bard of Avons b-day, and to celebrate, you might wanna think about seeing some of the shows in the Philadelphia Shakespeare Festival, which is currently going on. I think. Their website is kind of confusing, or more likely I'm just dumb. But I think the shows take place at 2111 Sansom Street, and it lasts through mid May. For more info, click here. Tonight, the Comedysportz crew takes on Shakespeare. They are an incredibly talented bunch, and I'm sure it's gonna be a funny show.

-Rock Paper Scissors season is kicking off at Bob and Barbara's (15th and South) tonight at 7 p.m. And yes, I did check with the Jam Master before I posted this.

-I pick on Philadelphia Magazine a fair amount, but I must give credit where credit is due. I thought Jason Fagone's column this past month on Brian Tierney was pretty damn good. (Yeah, I know it came out like a month ago. I'm a slow reader.)

Posted at 2:31 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)


Philly just got trashed by New Orleans governor Ray Nagin. And to be honest, I'm kind of glad. A city that has turned its back on recycling deserves to get smacked in the face. That being said, be sure to recycle! You don't need a bin to recycle, you just can get a trash can and write recycling on the side.

Posted at 2:23 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (8)

April 20, 2007

NBC glorifies mass murder

NBC, which thought that the best way to honor the victims of this weeks massacre was to glorify their killer and let his thoughts be known, is starting to face a backlash. Matt Lauer made the lamest defense, saying, "But we've made the decision because, by showing some of this material, perhaps it will help us understand the question why. Why did it happen?" Well, gee, Matt, why don't you show us some child pornography so we can try to figure out why. Why do people watch it? It's simple, because gratuitous and disgusting pornographic acts are not meant for the public airwaves. Nor should we give over our airwaves to pieces of human filth who want to inspire a cult like following. NBC, when it sent out the materials to other stations, demanded that its logo be stamped in the corner and said that other stations must give mandatory credit to NBC News. They're hoping that the recent mass murder will lead to an increase in ratings for Scrubs. Hey NBC, sorry there couldn't have been a camera inside the schoolroom when the guy killed the Amish girls. After all, I'm sure it could have helped us understand, "Why?" Too bad, b/c that would have been a ratings bonanza, you sick f****. Interesting, isn't it, that Don Imus is too disgusting to speak on NBC, but mass murderers aren't?
RELATED: NBC Exploits Killings for Ratings.

Posted at 12:06 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (30)

April 19, 2007

Let's take this back to the old school

Nothing really interesting in the news today, so I found myself flipping thru phillyhistory.org (via Phawker). Found some great stuff. First saw a pic of the Horn and Hardart Automat, where you bought your lunch from a vending machine. It was the original fast food, and it began in Philadelphia. For some more pics and info on Horn and Hardart, click here. Then I came upon the phillyhistory.org blog. This is awesome. Stories about how bad Philly's drinking water was, the Divine Lorraine, and about the legendary Man Full of Trouble Tavern. Here's the best part from the drinking water story:
Schuylkill water was so bad by the late 19th century that "...a physician offered $50 to anyone who would drink a quart of it ten nights in a row. Each evening, the doomed man comes on stage, the stipulated amount of water is brought out and he takes the draught to slow music before a sympathetic audience. It is the agreement that if he vomits or dies, he will lose the prize."

Doctors were so much more fun back then, offering prizes for not dying, then forcing people to drink typhoid water. Now it almost seems like they're trying to saaaave lives. BORRRR-RING. I may not be a doctor (at least not officially licensed as such), but I am carrying on this proud tradition nonetheless. I will pay $50 to anyone who will drink water from the Schuylkill 10 nights in a row. If you vomit or die, you will lose the prize.

Posted at 11:16 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (16)

April 18, 2007

In honor of scrapplefest: Gross food news

-Scrapplefest is being held this weekend at Reading Terminal. They will actually be showing how scrapple is made. It's a fascinating process which involves sweeping hot dog leftovers off the floor of the slaughterhouse.

-This is incredible. A guy bought a hamburger from McDonalds 18 years ago, and it hasn't decomposed at all! He says that flies won't even touch it.

-How do strawberry milkshakes get their red coloring? Ground up beetles, of course.

Posted at 11:12 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (5)

They're real...

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...and they're spectacular. If you see Trivia Art or I crying today, worry not: they are tears of joy.

Posted at 11:03 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

April 17, 2007

Happy B-Day Rowdy Roddy!

A happy birthday to Rowdy Roddy Piper and Michael Sembello, who both turn 53 today. Are they twins? I mean, Rowdy Roddy certainly was a Maniac. Oh, and in case you didn't know it, Sembello is from Philly.

Posted at 10:25 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

We lost

Yeah, my ringer didn't make it, but we still made a pretty good showing at Dark Horse, finishing 2nd. Palestra Jon goes for three straight next Monday. If I'm there, he won't get it. And no, I do not consider Smackdown "B-team" material. Just Trivia Art and D-Mac. And, to be honest, me. It's just that I'm trying to get an A-team that I can tag along with and talk smack as they answer questions.

Posted at 10:12 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

April 16, 2007

Fun stuff tonight

Couple of fun things going on this evening, both of which I highly recommend
-Die Actor Die at the Khyber. 8 p.m. I performed in it last month, and it was a heck of a lot of fun. Really funny show hosted by couple of guys from ComedySportz.

-I'll probably make it out to quizzo at Dark Horse tonight, if anyone is up for the challenge. I will crush you like an ant. 9 p.m.

-Oh by the way, if you missed the Mr. Belding/Tony Romo/Journey Don't Stop Believin' video, click here. I assure you this will be a question this week.

Posted at 12:57 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (8)

Where should we do city vs. city challenge?

On May 14th, quizzo players from Philadelphia will be competing with quizzo players from Denver and Seattle (and possibly DC). We will all ask the same 50 questions, using the same scoring method, and see who emerges victorious. We'll see what team takes the cake, and for bragging rights, what city's top 5 teams average the highest scores. I need to know where we should do this. Somewhere I can fit 75-100 people. Also, should I charge a small fee (maybe $5) and get a band? Drop your ideas below.

Posted at 10:15 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (13)

Ain't Nuttin' But a Party Y'all

Bowling party. Coming soon. Details in the coming week.

Posted at 10:00 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Holy Matrimony Batman wins wedding quizzo

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I hosted a post wedding quizzo at the Dark Horse on Saturday night. (Congratulations Phil and Tessa!) The winners of the quizzo might be familiar to some of you old schoolers. They called themselves Holy Matrimony Batman, but you might recognize them as the former members of the Missing Heads. And they spoke of a possible reunion tour at the Black Sheep at some point in the future.

Posted at 9:25 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

April 13, 2007

I Believe in Miracles

It's no secret how much we here at JGT headquarters love Journey. The two albums that you will find constantly on the office stereo are Enter the 36 Chambers by Wu and Escape by Journey. But there was still something missing when we listened to the Journey album. We thought to ourselves, "Sure, Don't Stop Believin' is a great freakin' song, but would it be even better if it was covered by Mr. Belding and Tony Romo? Alas, we'll never know." At least that's what we thought until we saw this (Unfortunately the language is not safe for work, but you have to see this when you go home. It will make your weekend.) Now, if we can just get Kotter and Ben Rothliesburger to perform Cash Rules Everything Around Me... (Thanks, Steve for sending this in.)

Posted at 10:13 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (4)

April 12, 2007

Kurt Vonnegut 1922-2007

Kurt Vonnegut died yesterday. The only book I read of his was Slaughterhouse Five. I was entranced by the book, but it got a little too kooky for me and I still haven't really come to grips with whether I liked it or not. Did you guys like his stuff?

Posted at 1:16 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (10)

What's Good For the Goose

Al Sharpton earlier demanded that Don Imus apologize for his idiotic statements, which Imus almost immediately did. Sharpton still is calling for his ouster. This is interesting because in 1987, Al Sharpton went to the media to let the world know that New York Assistant DA Steven Pagones had raped 15 year old Tawana Brawley. Not many accusations hurt worse than being accused of being a child molester. Of course, he wasn't. Tawana Brawley had made the story up, but the damage had been done. And Sharpton has never apologized to Steven Pagones.

How is it that this clown gets to tell the media which race stories are a big deal, and the media follows his every word like a puppy dog? It is pathetic, and I can't understand it, especially after they got burned the first time.

Posted at 10:48 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (24)

April 11, 2007

Cheesesteaks with the folks

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Well, my peeps began their journey home today. They're gonna stop in DC and see some cherry blossoms first. We tried to see some the other day at the Horticultural Center in Fairmount Park, but I think it's gonna be a couple more weeks before they are really spectacular here. Still, it was my first time to the Horticultural Center. Pretty kool, and I'll definitely return to see the Japanese House when it opens in May.

My mom hosted round two at O'Neals last night, much to her delight. It's pretty obvious which side of the family I get my showmanship (or, if you prefer, glory hog) tendencies from. Then we had the usual send off-a steak at Jim's. And my mom thinks Craig Laban is way off with his 2 bells for Fogo de Chao. She thinks it's the best restaurant she's ever been to.

Posted at 2:18 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (4)

Local rapper reacts

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I said I really liked a local rapper named Reef the Lost Cauze? Well, he's got an interesting take on the Imus situation as well, one I think is a little more thought out than Snoop Dog's (though I think the "he looks like a racist" argument doesn't hold much water). I like this guy. I gotta see if I can score an interview with him.
RELATED: Reef the Lost Cauze on MySpace. He performs at the Troc on the 21st.

Posted at 1:41 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (4)

Triumph! Ladies Beer Club Accepting Men (1 Night Only)

Ginger has decided to let men in the door, though only for one night to meet with the ladies of In Pursuit of Ale. Because she wants members of both sexes to enjoy the new Triumph Brewpub. Here's a short note from Ginger:
Come join me at our city's newest brewpub, Triumph. I am sure some of you have been to their New Hope and Princeton locations. They brew great beer and provide a pretty snazzy atmosphere and they have great food (I've tried almost the whole menu). They're even nice-They are giving us $3 drafts all night! So come on out. Ladies AND gents.
New bar, $3 drafts, hanging out with women who like beer. Hmmm, this sounds pretty good.
RELATED: Join IPA at MySpace

Posted at 10:59 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Just when you thought that this thing couldn't get any more ridiculous...

...apparently Snoop Dogg is outraged by Don Imus's comments. Let's read now, if we shall, some of Snoop Dogg's lyrics.
Can you control your ho? (You got a bitch that won’t do what you say)
You can’t control your ho? (She hardheaded, she just won’t obey)
Can you control your ho? (You’ve got to know what to do, and what to say)
You’ve got to put that bitch in her place, even if it’s slapping her in her face.
Ya got to control your ho. Can you control your hoe?This is what you forced me to do, I really didn’t want to put hands on you, but bitch you playin’ with fire.

And, to be honest, those are some of his tamer lyrics on the topic of bitches and hos. Oh, and keep in mind that MTV had a cartoon last year that featured Snoop leading leashed women on all fours. Seriously Snoop, when the topic is humiliating women, you might not wanna try to get all self-righteous. It's like Robert Mugabe putting down Kim Jong Il for being a bad leader.

Posted at 2:43 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (26)

April 10, 2007

Good Book

Working on The Final Days by Woodward and Bernstein. I like it a lot better than All the Presidents Men, b/c it's not as complicated. Reading that book felt like I was taking a freaking algebra exam. "If this guy is connected to this guy, then this other guy must be x." This book is more about Nixon, Haig, and Kissinger, and how they dealt with the fact that Nixon was going down. You guys read anything good lately?

Posted at 10:31 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (11)

April 9, 2007

Out on the town

Went out to eat quite a bit over the weekend. My full breakdown: The Yellow Bar on Grey's Ferry, which just opened on Friday, has a really good crab quesadilla, but I'm not sure I really like the space all that much. And I'm not crazy about the way they colored the walls. It looks like wallpaper in a grandma's house. But it's worth checking out.

Saturday, got dinner at the Hibachi Grill. Rather disappointing. The place is weird. You walk into the lobby, which consists of a table covered with an aqua tablecloth. That's it. That's your first impression of the place. Just a room with a tablecloth. Then you sit and wait in a room that has bird cages, which are always depressing. Then, my chef was impressive with his tricks, but never said a word the entire time. Seemed like he was going through the motions. It was still kind of fun, but I wanted a goofier chef who puts on a show.

Finally, my mom and dad came into town yesterday, and we went to eat at Continental (Original). Definitely the best place I went to this weekend. The drinks were delicious and so was the food. The Lobster spring rolls and Shrimp curry were off the chain, as was the red pepper dip. And, unlike Continental Midtown and Pod, the music wasn't so loud that you couldn't talk. I'm gonna take 'em to Fogo de Chao for lunch either today or tomorrow.

Posted at 8:52 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

April 8, 2007

Pictures of the winners

Alright, I'm gonna post pics of this weeks winners. This week's questions will be posted under the pics. The topic this week is pizza, in honor of the 2nd Annual JGT Pizza Hunt, which kicks off on Monday. One guess per person, and no cheating.

Posted at 12:58 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Happy Birthday Biz Markie!

Today is the 43rd birthday of one of my favorite rappers of all time, the Diabolical Biz Markie. Though best known for the song "Just a Friend" on the album The Biz Never Sleeps, it was his debut album (Goin' Off)that I consider his masterpiece. With songs such as "Vapors', "Make the Music", and "Pickin' Bugars", this album cracks my top 10 hip-hop albums of all time. I saw the Biz in Philly a few years ago, and he tore it up, though now he spends more time on the turntables than he does rapping.

Posted at 12:39 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

April 6, 2007

Johnny answers the critics

Geez Louise. Only in Philadelphia do you try to do good for the community one minute and then have to answer for it the next. There is apparently a misconception here. Some people seem to think that Big Brothers Big Sisters in Philly is a babysitting service for kids on the Main Line.

"It would seem that the moral here is that if you don't do drugs...and don't hang out with violent or criminally inclined people...your chances of getting murdered...are fairly small." -ee

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that you grew up in a place where there weren't drug dealers on the corner closest to your home. When the majority of the people in your neighborhood do or deal drugs and are violent, it's a lot easier said than done than to get a young child or teen to "Just Say No."
"Like the compelling idea of big brothers, but those kids aren't shooting anybody." -Anonymous
Again, I don't think you understand what kids we are trying to help here. Most of these children are at-risk. Part of the point of Big Brothers Big Sisters is to make these kids realize that their problems can't be solved by shooting somebody. I assure you that there are a lot of children on the BBBS waiting list whose current male "role models" tell them that the way to settle their disputes is by grabbing a gun, or that the only way out of the ghetto is by dealing drugs.
All that seems to matter now is the naked corruption of guys like Fumo---how many street cops would that PECO settlement he got for his fraudulent foundation have paid for? I tend to look at this from a macro view Johnny....I think that is where we need to do things to make a real difference...spending a few hours a week with kids who must live in an environment that makes heroes of criminals is smoothing over the tip of the iceberg. -Jon
It's hard enough to recruit people to this cause w/o having someone telling them that their efforts will just be "smoothing over the tip of the iceberg." The macro view is terrific, Jon. Why don't you make us some bar graphs so we can understand the problem better? And 1,000 more officers would be great too. Could you make that a reality for us?

Joining Big Brothers Big Sisters won't change the world for everybody. But it will dramatically change the world of the child you are paired with, for the better. It will lessen the chances they fight in school, and will lower the chances they do drugs. It will build their self confidence and make them want to get better grades. It will make them think twice about joining a gang or picking up a gun. If that's the tip of the iceberg, well then, dammit, let's smooth it over.

Posted at 1:08 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (39)

April 5, 2007

Bounty on MAGMA

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MAGMA has been unstoppable since the Axis of Evil Knieval slipped away from the Good Dog. And their recent success has so emboldened them that Chris R. has even started hosting quizzo at Dirty Frank's. That's right, he thinks he can replace the immortal Irish John. Obviously, they need to be stopped, if not for my own good, then for humanity's. So I'm putting up $20 in cash for any team that can knock them off tonight, in addition to the $30 you would take home for winning.

Posted at 1:21 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (25)

April 4, 2007

Around the Horn

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-Best of luck Oli! Black Sheep regular Oliver (above, middle, looking like Dice Raw) is going, going, back, back, to Cali, Cali. Why? Because Cali's got gunplay, models on the runway.

-What would happen if someone with Tourette's woke up with a giant M & M beside their bed? (DUE TO FOUL LANGUAGE, THIS COULD NOT BE LESS SAFE FOR WORK UNLESS IT INVOLVED FARM ANIMALS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!)

-Are we at the high end of a housing bubble? You should ride the US Home Prices Roller Coaster to find out.

-The top 10 worst internet acquisitions ever. A reminder of how crazy the internet bubble was.

-This is incredible. Afer a little research, I found out the dude did it on purpose:
After Machuga clinched the title match with two strikes in the 10th frame, he surprised everyone by doing his famous “Machuga Flop”, hanging onto the ball and flinging himself down the lane. Since he never let go of the ball, there was no official rules violation, so Machuga followed that by striking on his final shot.

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March 30, 2007

The Rasslin' Round

I gotta admit, I was kind of proud of this one. Have a great weekend, gang!

1. This man, who shared the same last name as wrestlings Krusher, became Premier of the Soviet Union on March 27, 1958.

2. Long time NWA champion, or what Jennifer Aniston didn't have enough of in a 1999 movie

3. Jake Roberts snake shared the same name as a child in a 1970s horror classic. What was it?

4. This famed wrestler and announcer had the first name of a ground dwelling omnivore and the last name of a heavy storm in Asia.

5. Their manager Jim Cornett did enjoy breaking the rules, but they never tried to smuggle hash out of Turkey.

6. This wrestling commander appeared in the video for "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun."

7. The American Dream is better known by this name, which sounds almost like it could be a John Denver song.

8. This wrestler has the same nickname as one of Curtis Mayfields albums.

9. This wrestler wasn't invented by Robert Fulton, nor was he a mythilogical creature. But he is considered one of the finest wrestlers ever, and his match with Randy Savage at Wrestlemania 3 is considered by many to be the greatest match in WWF history.

***10. This wrestler was, no surpise, a big Superman fan. His girlfriend, Miss Elizabeth, died under mysterious circumstances at his house in 2003.

1. Khruscev
2. Flair, Ric
3. Damien
4. Gorilla Monsoon. My favorite answers to this question were "prairie dog typhoon" and "mole tsunami".
5. Midnight Express
6. Captain Lou Albano
7. Dusty Rhodes
8. Jimmy Superfly Snuka
9. Ricky Steamboat. My favorite answer to this was "The steaming minotaur".
10. Lex Luger

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Toughest Questions of the Week

I'm gonna post the whole wrestling round in a little while, but here are the toughest questions of the week:
1. Who are the only two men to ever be nominated for oscars for acting, directing, writing and producing all in the same year?

2. How many Canadian provinces border the great lakes?

3. Actors Anthony Daniels and Kenny Baker are a duo you've all seen, though you would not recognize them if you saw them on the street. What characters did they play?

4. How many horizontal rows of stars are there on an american flag?

5. What is the Intertropical Convergence Zone, the belt of low pressure girdling earth at the equator, better known as?

6. Sheila Burnford is best known for this 1961 childrens book she wrote about animals named Luath, Bodger, and Tao. It was later made into a film.

Click below for answers!!!

1. Orson Welles and Warren Beatty
2. one (Ontario)
3. R2D2 and C3PO
4. nine
5. the doldrums
6. The Incredible Journey

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Anybody wanna announce tonight?

Hey, anybody always dreamed of announcing a sporting event, saying with an extremely deep voice, "Jackson checking in for Watkins"? If so, contact me. I need an announcer for my teams little league game tonight. It'll be fun, I promise.

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Starbucks and McDonald's Joining Forces

That's right, McDonald's was looking to class up the joint a little, so who did they call up? Starbucks of course! They are combining to form a super restaurant, and one of their first combos is in Bristol. Finally, two crappy entities join forces to make one supercrappy entity!!! I haven't been this excited since Styx and Night Ranger combined to make Damn Yankees.

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March 29, 2007

Should We go pizza hunting again?

One of the highlights of 2006 was, for me, the pizza hunt. In the end, we discovered that Tony's and Tacconelli's were the best, with Mama Palma's a close third. So it's about that time we try to find a best of again. Should we retry pizza? I mean, there are still hundreds I haven't tried, and we could try the best ones again and see if they still hold up. Or we could do something new. Best bar no-one knows about? Best brunch? Best coffee shop? What do you guys think? Let me know if we should go pizza again. I mean, I'm cool with it. It's cheap, fun and delicious. Do you have any other great ideas of things we should go hunting for together? If so, post them below.

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Holy Freaking Cow! This Rules!

Unbelievable news, everybody. American Gladiators is returning to the air! ESPN Classic is going to start showing reruns every weeknight at 7 p.m. And they're kicking it off with aGladiators marathon on Saturday. That's right, a chance to see people like you and I (except with mullets) trying to knock Nitro off of a tower with a joust, and avoid a gun shooting tennis balls at them at 100 mph. This was the original reality show, if you ask me. Here's a sweet powerball match in which Gemini and Billy Wirth get in a little dustup. And here's some more info on the show itself. I am so fired up right now, I think I might climb into my atlasphere and roll around town.

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Have you seen this yet?

Pretty good beatdown of modern news by the guys at jib-jab.

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March 28, 2007

Around the Horn

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-A woman in Maryland claims that her dog saved her by performing the heimlich. NBC10 actually covered this liars bulls***. Hey NBC10, last night my cat Malia (above left) jumped in front of a bullet that was headed for my heart and caught it in her mouth. Then she put the shooter in the figure four leglock until the police arrived. You should do a story on that! Also, I like how there is a link at the bottom of this story that says, "How to Perform Heimlich Maneuver." Which is silly, because most dogs can't even read English.

-Hopefully Ann Coulter decides to take a summer jaunt to Surf CIty, NJ, this summer AND EXPLODES.

-My main man Denny Blaze (The Average Homeboy) finished 3rd on VH1's Top 40 Greatest Internet Superstars!

-Was Eddie Griffin's car crash a publicity stunt?

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March 27, 2007

Philly Mag does it again

The cover story in the this months Philly Mag is about Ryan Howard, which isn't really journalism but hero worship. But the story that really stuck in my craw is one about two high school basketball players. Decent enough story, but it ends with a couple of the lamest sentences I have ever read:
"It's a happy story, Scoop and Rick's. And such a Philly story. It's just like Rocky, where the good guys win in the end." (The italics are the magazine's, not mine).

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! OK, this so bad I don't know where to begin. A) the schmaltzy "such a Philly story" line is almost unbearable to read B) Can we get through ONE F****** Issue without referencing Rocky? He was a fine reference in 1977, but it's now 2007, and we're over it. You don't hear our friends out in western PA saying, "It's just like in The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh, where the good guys win in the end." C) If you are going to reference Rocky, uh, I suggest watching Rocky. He doesn't win in the end! Apollo Creed wins in the end.

If there is a single reference to freaking Rocky in next month's issue, I will cancel my subscription. That's right, Philly Mag, $12 a year-POOF-gone just like that. No more freaking Rocky! Please! We are over it!!!

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March 26, 2007

Let's Wrassle'!

Alright, Wrestlemania is coming this sunday. So in honor of that I'm gonna be posting a bunch of old school rasslin' stuff all week. Let's start today with two legends of the sport. Here's a good short video about The American Dream Dusty Rhodes and my idol, the Nature Boy Ric Flair, the greatest wrestler ever, and the showman I have always aspired to be. I've said it before and I'll say it again: the Ric Flair autobiography that came out a couple of years ago is the best book in the English language since "The Great Gatsby". You can love it, or you can hate, but learn to love it, 'cause it's the best thing goin'. Woooooooooo!
FLAIR IN THE NEWS: Florida coach gets Ric Flair to pump up Gators before Butler game.
RELATED: More info on Flair.

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March 23, 2007

Average Homeboy on VH1 Tonight

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Y'all remember Average Homeboy Denny Blaze, right (above, with JGT)? The rap superstar I went all the way to Cleveland to score a totally sweet interview with? Well, he's gonna be on VH-1 Tonight as part of their show, "Top 40 Greatest Internet Super Stars". Show starts at 8 p.m.

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Man in Black at Barristers

College B-ball isn't the only thing going on at Barrister's this weekend. The Man in Black, the best Johnny Cash Tribute band ever, is playing on 1823 Sansom Street Saturday night, and tix are only $3. Final 8 hoops and Johnny Cash? That sounds like a damn good night.

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Happy Birthdays

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Happy B-Days to a couple of Philadelphia sports legends, Ron Jaworski and Moses Malone. Also celebrating a birthday today is Prince Felix Yussupov, the man who killed Rasputin. As some of you may know, I am a huge Rasputin fan, and not just because he had an enormous wang. I highly suggest the book, "The Man Who Killed Rasputin." Quick quiz question: What do Moses Malone and Doug Flutie have in common? (answer below)

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Great Local Rapper

I keep hearing about this guy, Reef the Lost Cause, but I never really listened to him until this morning. This is damn impressive. It's called the Sound of Philadelphia. It's a touching yet frustrated tribute to the city of Brotherly Love. You'll dig it. (NSFW)
Related: Reef the Lost Cause on Myspace.

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March 22, 2007

Happy B-Day, Pat!!

-Happy 77th birthday Pat Robertson! Keep up the good work! You're a great American! I hope you're never hit by a train! That would be a tragedy! My favorite Pat Robertson quote? "Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again." Pat's really smart! Here's some more fun Pat quotes!

-Well, here we are, less than two weeks from opening day, and our #1 pitcher just went down with an injury. Fortunately, we have six starters, so Lieber can step back in. We're going to be just fine. Right? Right!?!? Riiiight?!?!?! Oh, God, no...We're ruined!!! (cue hysterical sobbing.)

-I don't usually agree with Lou Dobbs, but he nailed this one: Both sides are acting like idiots in this Gonzales situation.

-If you are or your friends have plenty of plutonium, but no nuclear device with which to make your dreams come true, just start hanging out at local construction sites. You'll find what you need.

-Vote in the new poll on the right side of the page.

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March 21, 2007

Around the Horn

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-Here's a fun Mental Floss quiz about how famous people died. I only scored a 5. Weak. (Thanks Todd for sending this in. If you see any cool stuff on the web that you think I should post, just send it to me at johnny@johnnygoodtimes.com.)

-Penthouse is opening a Lounge and Grille in Philadelphia (Word on the street is that Vanessa Williams is gonna be head chef). Are they gonna have strippers? They say no, but Foobooz isn't so sure.

-Tired of searching the web but never winning any K-Fed prizes for doing so? Well, it's time for you to start playing with fire. (Thanks Duff for sending this in.)

-Digging for treasure at the Philadelphia Presidential Mansion. And here's the best part: Dennis Reidenbach, superintendent of Independence National Historical Park, said the park also plans to have a web-camera trained on the dig so Internet users can monitor the progress. Finally, the ultimate in video entertainment, live shoveling!

Posted at 1:21 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

When hipsters attack

The trouble started when Joey Sweeney of Philebrity fame was featured in a Infiniti G "special advertising section". He was then blasted in the Philadelphia Weekly for "Jumping the Shark". Of course, Sweeney fired back. This is fun! I feel inspired! Hey, whattya guys say we go to a crappy ass concert of some band that is ironically cool and play hipster bingo. Who's with me?

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Did Woody Harrelson's Dad Kill JFK?

Woody Harrelson's father Charles died in prison on March 15, where he was serving two life sentences for killing a judge. It was while I was talking with a huckster/conspiracy theorist named Sherman last year at Dealey Plaza that I first heard that Harrelson's father claimed to be involved in the JFK assassination (If you have not already read this interview, I HIGHLY recommend it.) Then I came upon this in Wikipedia:
Harrelson has declared that he was involved in John F. Kennedy's assassination. Some think he was one of the three tramps photographed after being arrested on November 22, 1963 in a boxcar in the railyard near Dealey Plaza. Harrelson's arresting officer, Marvin L. Wise, claims that the three men in his custody were released after a few hours of questioning. The other arresting officer, David V. Harkness, testified that there were several individuals removed from the train that day other than the three individuals in the photograph. Dallas Police Department documents presented to the public in 1992 indicate that three transients arrested by Dallas officer W.E. Chambers with no connection to the assassination were jailed for six days for vagrancy, and that one of those men was named John Gedney. There is no proof that Harrelson had any connection with the assassination.

Here's some more info, including the photograph of the tramps. Also, vote in the new poll (to the right).

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March 20, 2007

Around the Horn

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-Is the stock market evil? Pretty interesting op-ed piece.

-Totally awesome news: Hall and Oates are going to be playing at Philly's 4th of July party. This has made my dreams come true!!!

-Damn I love that Baby Boy Da Prince jawn.

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March 16, 2007

I am an idiot

Duke in the Elite 8? They screw me even when they lose. What was I thinking? I hate myself. Oh yeah, and George Washington in the Sweet 16? Brilliant call, Goodtimes. Too bad they lost by 33 points. Our leaders after Day 1 are Indiana all the Way and Hoop Dreams, who both picked 15 out of 16 correctly.

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March 15, 2007

Around the Horn

-Is it just me, or has Angelina Jolie gone from hottest woman in America to least attractive other than Tori Spelling in like two years? She looks like an alien with a broken jaw.

-Beware the Ides of March.

-Just because I stare longingly at George Bretts crotch doesn't make me gay.

-Saturday is officially Hall and Oates Day in Philly. What? I can't go for that, No, I-I-I-I-I-I, I can't go. I can't go for that.

-Jessica Simpson wants a baby. Which is kind of a coincidence, b/c I kind of want her to have my baby. What the hell, Jessica, let's go for it!

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March 14, 2007

Around the Horn

-Sylvester Stallone gets busted for 48 vials of HGH. I can't understand why people are upset about this. I mean, ROCKY DOESN'T REALLY EXIST. He's a movie character. Who cares if he's using HGH? It's not cheating. I don't think Clubber Lang is like, "Bulls***! I would have killed that guy if he wasn't cheating!"

-Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott just had a baby. The baby is expected to look like Nancy Grace and be remarkably devoid of talent.

-Al Gore takes some heat in the scientific community for his global warming film. I still can't understand the backlash against it. I mean, what if we take precautionary measures, and, uh, pollute the air a lot less? Who's really against that?

-The Israeli ambassador to El Salvador has been removed: El Salvador police found Raphael in the yard of his residence, tied up, gagged with a ball and drunk, Israeli media reported. El Salvador sounds fun.

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March 13, 2007

Devastating Loss at Dark Horse

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Yeah, so last night I put together a fairly impressive team and set off for the Dark Horse to put Palestra Jon in his place. The team consisted of me, D-Mac, Smackdown, Trivia Art, and our buddy Jacques. Yep, three bloggers on the same team. The epitome of kool (with a K). Our team name was "We Mugged the 101 Year Old Lady". We had attitude. We jokered Round One and got it perfect. After a so-so round two, we took the lead in the Speed Round by handing our paper in first. So we had a lead going into the final round. Then we crashed and burned. On two questions we really ate a sandwich. Both entirely my fault. For "What are the two longest running plays in Broadway history", I thought Cats and Phantom of the Opera were too easy, so I went with Cats and Mousetrap. Then, on who is the oldest Hall of Fame baseball player still alive, I wrote down Yogi Berra, even though Jacques tried to convince me it was Phil Rizzuto. It was Phil Rizzuto. We lost by two to Palestra Jon's team and finished 2nd. I'm still pissed. Damnit!

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March 12, 2007

Quizzo Tonight

Hey peeps. Gonna be playing quizzo tonight at the Dark Horse (Headhouse Square) in case anyone wants to challenge me. You should probably stay home. You're gonna lose. It starts at 9 p.m. (no, not like me. Actually at 9 p.m.)

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JGT in City Paper

Yo, I'm in the City Paper this week. In case you need to learn more about this amazing product, just click here.

Posted at 9:50 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

Back in the Saddle Again

Well, I left Hawaii at 12:30 a.m. and spent the whole day flying, arriving in Philly at 5:45 p.m. I was totally cursed on the airplane, as one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen sat in the seat directly in front of mine. I spent the whole flight angry, thinking about how much better the flight would be if I had been assigned one row away from where I was. Damn! Anyways, I've got a couple more stories to tell at some point, and we're gonna start the Barristers Bracket Challenge soon as well. Wanna thank Jam Master Sean and Dark Horse John for doing such a great job while I was gone. And speaking of great jobs, I thought Ern totally kicked ass on the website. He's earned himself a weekly column on the site, if he wants it.

Oh, and no mas Wheel of Terrific at the Troc. El finito. So I am gonna straight chill tonight and do some cleaning, then get ready to return to action manana. Word.

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March 9, 2007


Johnny Goodtimes' world headquarters spared in G-Ho Blaze.
The Johnny Goodtimes World Headquarters has been spared as favorable winds prevented JGTHQ from going up in the three-alarm blaze that saw several homes opposite his abode heavily damaged.
Video of the blaze

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darth abandons website

As you may or may not know the clocks go forward one hour on Sunday so I have to get back to the Deathstar. You'd be amazed how many clocks there are on a Deathstar) I had fun! I haven't been called this many names since Jedi Camp at Parris Island. I hope this means you'll be voting for me for "The Most Hated Man In QUIZZO" Award. Until then: May the Force NOT be with you! Btawhahahahaha...

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March 8, 2007

Uh oh

Glad I found this article three days before I fly back to Philly:
Authorities called in the bomb squad early Tuesday and diverted a flight to Las Vegas after Los Angeles International Airport security screeners found hidden wires and other objects in a body cavity of a Philadelphia-bound passenger.

Yeah, so this guy, who just so happens to be from Iraq, attempts to get on a plane with wires, a rock,and bubble gum shoved up his bum. Oh, and previously this guy "was arrested on suspicion of possession of a destructive device". Hmmmm, wonder what he's up to:
A preliminary investigation appeared to rule out a theory that Al-Maliki may have been looking for weaknesses in security or was rehearsing for a terrorist act.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?! Who conducted this preliminary investigation, Barney Fife? This dude from a country we are currently at war with and who has a track record with explosive devices tries to get on a plane with bubble gum and wires in his ass and we seem to think that it was something other than preparation for a terrorist attack? Hey gang, here's a quick thought: I, who have no previous police experience, can tell you with 100% F******CERTAINTY THAT THIS NUT WAS PREPARING FOR A F****** TERRORIST ATTACK!!!! As if flying didn't make me nervous enough. Damn.

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March 1, 2007

Gotta run

Heading out the door, but before I go, I thought I'd leave you with this.

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February 27, 2007


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In case you were wondering who posted that write up about the Oscars yesterday, that was Darth Ern. Trivia Art tells me that he stormed Mission Control only hours after I departed, and has been at the controls ever since. Due to the fact that I am over 5,000 miles away, I am helpless to stop his maniacal website takeover. I have contacted the proper authorities, and they are looking into this obvious breach of national security.

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February 23, 2007

The Deal on the Aloha State Trip

Alright, I'm leaving Sunday for two weeks. While I'm gone, Jam Master Sean will take over on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and Dark Horse John will take over on Thursdays. I am hoping to blog from Hawaii while I am there. Depends on whether I can find a cafe with wireless internet. If not, I'll probably get Trivia "Foobooz" Art to help me out. We have beefed up security at Command Central, so any would-be renegades who want to take over this operation while I am out of town, be warned: resistance to my power will be futile.

As for my plan, well, I don't really have one. Staying with a buddy of mine near Kona for a while, then I'll probably get a hotel room for a few nights. Plan to fly to Oahu for a day or two and see some friends there. Am hoping to see the dolphins I used to help train, but nobody I used to work with is still employed there, so we'll see. I do think I'm gonna go out on a boat looking for humpback whales, as it is humpback whale season, and my best buddy out there tags them for a living. Will spend a day on the other side of the island at Volcanoes National Park. Will spend another day doing drugs and snorkeling at Kealekekua. Haha! Just kidding. I won't be doing any snorkeling. Other than that, just gonna lay on the beach all day and eat mahi mahi and drink mai tais every night. Hell yeah!

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February 22, 2007

Hostile website takeover???

We have encountered a few minor glitches in the system the past few days which have us worried. Why? Because the quizzo grapevine is rife with rumors of a website takeover when I leave the state and am helpless to stop it. I probably have nothing to worry about. I mean, who could be so sinister as to take over a simple blog like this? Nope, probably just unnecessary anxiety on my part. In fact, just forget that I ever posted this. I'm quite sure things will run swimmingly here on the website when I'm gone.

Posted at 3:20 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

What should I read on the plane?

I'm flying to Hawaii on Sunday, and as you might imagine, that is a brutally long flight. I doubt I'll be able to pull a Ralph Fiennes, so I need some good reading materials for that full day in the sky. Anybody got any good suggestions for sky fare?

Posted at 12:58 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (11)

Is this the Greatest Celebrity meltdown ever?

She is shaving her head and checking in and out of rehab on a daily basis, then trying to get into her ex-husbands house to take back her children. She's crashing the parties of complete strangers. She apparently has picked up such a vicious drug habit that rumor has it that she shaved her head to avoid drug testing. The next thing we know she'll be riding in a white Bronco with Al Cowlings. Question is, "Is this the worst meltdown in celebrity history?" I mean, that one dude from Milli Vanilli turned a life of drugs after they got exposed, but they weren't early as big as Britney. Mariah had a meltdown that was fun, but not nearly this awe-inspiring in scope. Of course, there was Terrell Owens, uh, every times he leaves his house. But nothing like this that I can think of. Anybody got any other good meltdowns they can think of that even compare to this one?
RELATED: MSN's top 10 celebrity meltdowns.

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February 21, 2007

Flava Flav say Chao

Went to eat at Fogo de Chao (1337 Chestnut) the other day, and I gotta say it was the best $25 I have ever spent on lunch. Easily one of the best deals in town. They have an amazing salad bar, and evey kind of meat you can dream of. Filet, sausage, beef wrapped in bacon, you name it, they bring it by the table. According to Trivia Art, all the guys who serve the meat are also the guys who cook it. And they keep it coming until you are so full you flip a card to the color red because you can't possibly eat another thing. I don't do many restaurant reviews, but yo, you gots to check this place out.
RELATED: Philly Weekly's review

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February 20, 2007

Quick notes

-Bounty Bowl at O'Neals (3rd and South) tonight. $25 extra to anyone who can knock off the Young the Old and The Restless tonight.

-Quizzo for the Cause this week. Was gonna do it last week, but we had low turnouts due to the weather. So $1 to play, with all proceeds going toward my Little League.

-Phillies tickets go on sale manana. Anybody up for opening day? That's Monday, April 2 at 1:00 P.M. Holla at me if you're up for it.

-I've got a bunch of free movie passes to see an upcoming release called Starter for 10. Let me know at quizzo if you wanna see it and I'll hook you up with passes.

Posted at 3:08 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

February 19, 2007

Hawai'i Trivia

Alright, peeps, as you know, I'm flying out to Hawai'i this week. So I'm posting pics of last weeks winners with questions about the 50th state underneath each photo. One guess per person.

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Around the Horn

-The winner at the box office this week was Ghost Rider, a Nicholas Cage movie that looks, quite honestly, like it could be the worst film ever made. Last week's winner was Norbit, which looks, quite honestly, like it could be the worst film ever made. Next week number one at the box office is expected to be Judge Dredd 2: Dredd Vs. Wapner.

-Remember when you were a kid, and your mom had a rough couple of weeks, so she bolted out of rehab and shaved her head bald and got tattoos all over the back of her neck? Of course you do. So why make a fuss when Britney does it? The amazing thing is that she's going to lose the custody battle to Kevin "Playing With Fire" Federline, which is kind of like losing a hockey game to the Flyers: almost impossible to do unless you are trying.

-Philly sucks at recycling. Somebody has a plan with proven results. John Street doesn't have time to hear it.

-I meant to post this last week but didn't. It's Bill Conlin's look at what he thinks the Phillies batting order should be. He drops Rollins in the lineup to protect Howard, which is a great idea. I love Jelly Roll, but I hate having a leadoff hitter with a OBP that isn't much higher than his BA. Holy cow, it's mid February and we're already talking baseball. This is awesome.

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February 15, 2007

A few last thoughts

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-Milton Street is running for Mayor. Ha, ha, a guy under federal indictment really thinks that he has a chance at being mayor? That would be like a guy getting caught smoking crack with a hooker on video and then still get elected Mayor! Could never happen.

-Carlos Mencia, whose show is about as funny as Brian's Song, gets his ass handed to him for stealing jokes.

-Quizzo for the Cause postponed till next week due to low turnouts due to weather (At least, uh, I hope it was the weather.)

-Comedy Show Saturday!

Posted at 4:33 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Around the Horn

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-The above photo of grass and telephone poles is currently the lead photo on philly.com. I haven't seen such an engaging photo since that time I took a picture of the inside of my coat pocket. It was an accident, and I felt foolish when I realized what I had done.

-Tim Hardaway just said that he hates gay people. In case you were wondering, Tim's a really smart guy who has seemlessly made the transition from ballplayer to businessman while keeping his dignity intact. Why, just last week, I saw him play a carpenter named Randy in a game of one on one on the showPros vs. Joes . Tim totally kicked his ass with that killer crossover, then poor Randy couldn't sack Kordell Stewart. Silly carpenter.

-Michael Jackson might be appearing on American Idol soon. Realitytvmagazine.com reports that "several signs" point to the possibility that Michael Jackson will have his own "Idol" theme-week, and might even "mentor" the impressionable young talent on the show. Remember how well it worked out the last time that MJ "mentored" impressionable young people? This sounds like a really good idea. (from TMZ.com)

-Pat Burrell got engaged over the winter. Fortunately, the first time he met this girl, he didn't freeze up (there were no runners in scoring position at the time.)

-Still collecting submissions for worst love song of all time.

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February 14, 2007

I'm Going Back to Kona, to Kona, to Kona, I'm GOing Back to Kona, Yo I don't think so

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Well, I promised myself a big trip after Quizzo Bowl and today I delivered. I purchased tickets to Kona, Hawaii for a couple of weeks, and I'm leaving on February 25. Word the f*** up. I haven't had a vacation since, uh, I was like 15. Honestly. So I am gonna straight max and relax. OK, so that's not true. I'm sure I'm gonna try to pack as much stuff into two weeks as I humanly can. That's just how I roll.

I lived in Kona from March 1998-December 2000, and this is my first return. This will be the first time I have seen several very close friends in over 6 years. So for the next couple of weeks I will be reminiscing about my first stay there, which should certainly drive my site hits way down, b/c seriously, who wants to read about that s***? But I'm gonna write about it anyway, so just deal with it. And yes, I plan to blog while I'm there. Or maybe not. We'll see. I am fired up!

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Something's in the air

Sorry I'm off to such a late start. But it is the holidays and all, so I went out for a hot chocolate at Darling's Cheesecakes this morning. Ah yes, hot chocolate at Darling's in the midst of a winter storm on Valentine's Day. Boy, nothing more romantic than that! Unless you are a dude and you are grabbing that hot chocolate with Trivia Art. Then it's not quite as romantic. Aww, screw you, I don't even want a stupid Valentine! Just leave me alone!

Posted at 11:35 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (6)

February 13, 2007

What's the worst love song ever?

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Last year around this time, I posted what I thought were the worst love songs of all time. Well, this year I want you to tell me what they are. And who knows, maybe the one you suggest could be a question this week. So post below what you think is the worst love song of all time. Oh, and the pic above is of Muskrat Love. (I still can't decide whether it's the greatest love song of all time or the worst.)

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Quizzo for the Cause

Hey gang, gonna be a little selfish this week. As many of you know, I am coaching a Little League basketball team, and the end of our inaugural season is rapidly approaching. The head of the league wants to get trophies for all of the players for making this first year of the league a success, and is trying to raise money to do so without having to ask the kids, many of whom come from situations where money for a basketball trophy is out of the question. Therefore, I am gonna ask everyone playing quizzo this week to donate at least a dollar to play so we can get trophies. Thanks for your support!

PS: If you can donate about 6-8 hours a month to completely change a child's life for the better and help make Philadelphia a world class city, please do so! Remember that the smallest good deed is greater than the greatest grand intention.

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February 12, 2007

Around the Horn

-Bummer on the local blog scene. Blinq, the blog of record at philly.com and considered by many to be the best blog in the area (in fact, Blinq was named "Best Local Blog" by the City Paper in 2005) has gone offline. Daniel Rubin (above), the proprieter of said blog, is still gonna be around, but he's gonna be writing for the actual paper. I guess that's kool, but I'm gonna miss checking out his site every day. He did a great job keeping his ear to the ground and had a knack for finding interesting stories and blogs. Best of luck with the new position Dan!

-They've apparently replaced Blinq with a weather blog. Which should be really exciting and filled with lots of good tips on weatherproofing your-OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE START BLOGGING AGAIN DAN!!!

-Trocadero. 7:30 p.m. tonight. Be there!

-Big winners at the Grammys last night were the Dixie Chicks, Mary J. Blige, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Is this a joke? Have any of those 3 recorded an album since 1993? What, no awards for other "hot" groups like C & C Music Factory and Right Said Fred?

-Just wanted to say congrats to La Va coffee shop on 21st and South (aka my home away from home) on their one year anniversary. Good food, good coffee, and great ambience. Congratulations on year one!

Posted at 2:26 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

Happy Birthday Honest Abe!

Well today is Honest Abe's big day, as he turns 195. I took the Abe Lincoln tour this past year, as I hung out in the town he was born and went to the theatre where he was killed. There are rumors that there is going to be an Abe Lincoln impersonator at the Troc tonight, but nothing has been confirmed. Anyways, we're gonna see how much you know about Ol' Abe. I'm gonna post pics of the winners, with an Abe Lincoln question below. You're gonna post answers. One guess per person! And no cheating!

Posted at 11:39 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

February 9, 2007

Anna Nicole

Looks like an intern is in charge of front page headlines at Yahoo. (Philadelphiawilldo) My take on this Anna Nicole Smith thing: Only in America would we honor a person's life not because they were a good or talented or charismatic person, but simply because they had enormous boobs. I mean, honestly, she milked an old man for his money, she was a dismal failure as an actress, and she was a drug addict who constantly humiliated herself on television. Why did we love her, as CNN.com asked? Because we love a train wreck and we love giant hooters, and she brought those two things together like no-one ever did before. I feel sorry for her family and friends, and it is always sad when someone young dies, but I wish the media would quit acting like this was freaking Princess Di or even Marilyn Monroe. Click below to read Obit master Andy Nolan's tribute to Anna Nicole:

Does she walk?
Does she talk?
Does she even breath?
The Hard Rock Hotel manager just pulled her from the sheets.

It's okay, I understand,
She's now in the promised land
A part of me has just been wrecked,
The pages of my mind are stripped.

Her blood runs cold, the guy she married was really old,
The angel was a centerfold
Angel was a centerfold.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

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The Five Spot

Yes, I know that this happened a week ago, but I just haven't had time til now to post something about the end of the Five Spot. When I first moved to Philly, I found a flyer on the ground on South Street that said that Dice Raw was hosting an open mic hip hop on Sunday nights at the Five Spot. I went, and was extremely nervous. But I got on the mic and actually did pretty well. I started going semi-regularly. Then, one night, Eve was in there. I did my stuff, and later the bassist for the house band came over and said, "Yo, Eve said that white boy is nice." I have been flying high off of that for about 5 years now. So so long, Five Spot. And thank you. Because without you Eve and I would have never gotten to know each other and subsequently fall in love. We both want to thank you, right honey? Eve says yes. She's here with me now and we are very much in love.

Posted at 10:14 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

February 6, 2007

Johnny Auctioned Off

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Alright, I finally got the 411 on the auction yesterday. It was a silent auction, so I had to leave before I saw how much I was worth. The winning bid to go bowling with me was $50, which ain't great, but could have been worse. Here's the funny part: I saw a couple of cute girls who were up for bid, and their prices were pretty low. So I figured I'd bump their values up a few bucks. I mean, hey, it's for charity, right? There was another hour left in the bidding when I left, so I was sure I'd get outbid on both. I didn't. I don't know what was up with the other dudes at the party, but somehow I won both. So yeah, I got three freaking dates out of this thing. I sort of know the one girl who bid on me, but I've never seen the other two in my life, so I think these will be my first ever blind dates. I'm going to a Flyers game on Saturday, I think, then I'm going to some play in a few weeks. I'll be sure to keep you posted.
RELATED: Johnny auctioned off for charity.

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February 5, 2007

News and Notes

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Just got back from WIlmington where I watched the Super Bowl with my family. Am starting on the final story for QB3. Will have it up by tommorrow morning. (also gotta work on tonight's Wheel of Terrific, so if I don't get it up this afternoon, it'll most def be up manana morning). Gonna recount all the scores to make sure we got 'em right and then post final standings tommorrow.

The pic above is a pretty wild one of the now infamous "Dumping of the tickets", when the dancer was supposed to dump glitter on me and accidentally dumped out all of the raffle tickets on me instead. I had my eyes closed when it happened, and when the tickets hit my face, I was like, "That is big glitter." It wasn't until after I was done dancing that my simple mind finally realized what had happened. At the afterparty, somebody said, "You know that you're going to need to make the dumping of the ticekts an annual part of Quizzo Bowl, don't you? That was amazing." And so, a tradition is born.

As for the Super Bowl, I still can't decide what was worse: the commercials, the announcers, or Rex Grossman. I really didn't laugh at any of the commercials, Grossman shoulda been pulled after the first interception, and Phil Simms is the stupidest man alive in America. In a night marked by incredibly worthelss "insight", his best remark came when one of the cameramen got plowed over by a receiver. He said, honestly, "You can't get scared down there, you can't get cabin fever." Yes, that is correct, Phil. You can't get cabin fever down there. SInce cabin fever occurs when you are alone, indoors, and in the midst of freezing weather, it is extremely hard to catch when you are surrounded by 80,000 people, you are outdoors, and you are in Miami.

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February 1, 2007

Win a date with JGT Tonight!

I know a lot of you beautiful women out there are thinking to yourselves, "There is no way in hell I am putting up a bid for a date with Johnny Freaking Goodtimes." But ladies, please try to remember, this...it's for the children. Wu-Tang is for the children. The fundraiser for Urban Blazers starts at 6:00 p.m. tonight at the Irish Pub (1123 Walnut). I prayed to the baby Jesus last night that at least one person bid on a date with me, b/c if I get zero bids I am going to cancel Quizzo Bowl and just stay in my room and cry all weekend. So there, ladies, you have to bid on me, or Quizzo Bowl is cancelled!

And I am hoping to make an appearance there, but I will still be at quizzo tonight, though I may be a little late.

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January 31, 2007

I'm getting there

Yeah, I'm kind of late getting it going today. I'll be back shortly. In the meantime, see what Trivia Art is dishing out over at Foobooz.

Posted at 11:06 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

January 29, 2007

Would You Date This Guy For Charity?

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We've all heard this sentiment expressed dozens of times before: "Johnny Goodtimes? Please girl, I wouldn't date him unless it was for charity." Well, guess what, ladies (and Apolo Ohno), now it is! That's right, the Urban Blazers, an organization we raised money for last year , is having a fundraiser auction this Thursday at the Irish Pub (1123 Walnut), and you can bid on a date with me (or you can bid on other people, and yes guys, there will be dates with females being auctioned off as well). It'll be a Happy Hour from 6-9 with drink specials and free appetizers. They are asking for a $10 donation at the door, with all proceeds going to the charity. Finally, a chance to go out with a guy like me and not feel terrible about yourself in the morning!

Posted at 1:35 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

January 26, 2007

What Worries Me is How Your Mother Is Going to Take this

Yo peeps, gotta do a photo shoot for the City Paper, so I'm not gonna have time right now for Week in Review. Will get to work on it asap. Thanks for your patience. In the meantime, a quick reminder: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest , one of the greatest films of all time, will be playing Monday, and I will be celebrating my B-Day then, so I want you guys to show up. It's gonna be fun.

Posted at 2:41 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

January 25, 2007

What's the best city in America?

Going to meet with a friend about other burlesque acts for Quizzo Bowl. In the meantime, I want u to be in charge of the site and let me know what is the best city in the USA. We already discussed worst city, now let's move to best. To be honest, I think Philly is number one. If there was one I liked better, I would probably live there. We've got all four sports, great food, great nightlife, a little bit of attitude, and it is affordable to live here. I'm a big fan of San Fran, and I gotta admit it, I like Chicago. As far as smaller cities go, I am a big fan of Richmond, but part of that is probably sentimental (I have a lot of family there) and Portland, Maine (super friendly people, good cozy food).

Posted at 10:31 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (35)

January 24, 2007

Two Wheel of Terrific Regulars Make PW's Humor Issue

Johnny's co-host, Chip Chantry, and WOT regular Pat House both made Philadelphia Weekly's "10 Comedians who don't suck" list. Congrats to both of these funny men who are both, unfortunately, bad human beings (Pat was arrested for kicking a panda at the zoo in 2004, and Chip once played a prank on a passed out roommate by injecting him with leprosy.)
Chip Chantry on MySpace.
Pat House on MySpace.

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Technical Difficulties

The site is currently experiencing some minor technical difficulties. Some features may not work as expected. We're working to resolve the issues.

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January 23, 2007

Calling All Virgins!

-There is talk of a TV reality show called "Virgin Territory" in which Jenna Jameson and Paris Hilton will teach people how to lose their virginity. Yeah, nothing should calm those "first time" jitters like knowing that 60 million Americans are gonna laugh their asses off when you struggle to undo her bra strap. And in case you are wondering, the answer is no, I will not be losing my virginity on this show.

-Rocky gets dissed for winning an Oscar, 30 years later. This great line from the director of Network: "I've been nominated five times," the director told The Associated Press last year. "But on two occasions, I got so pissed off about what beat us. With 'Network,' we were beaten out by 'Rocky' for Christ's sake."

-This is hilarious. And people say that giant corporations are just unfeeling monoliths. For shame.

-This from a story about a person named Niaja who bought and sold counterfeit prescription pills such as Viagra and Percoset: Kane used the screen name "moreandmoreNiaja" to facilitate the Internet purchases. The bogus drugs were then shipped from China to Kane in Philadelphia. Again, kids, if you are going to do something illegal on the internet, it is somewhat wise to not use your actual name, especially when you are probably like one of 3 people in the entire city named "Niaja".

FOX 29 has decided to trash it up a little. Sweet!

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What's the worst city in America?

Well, I've never really heard anything good about Indianapolis, and everybody always gushes over how great Chicago is, so I got to wondering, let's talk about what the best and worst cities in America are. And let's start with worst. This is kind of a tough one. Charlotte sucks. It is a soulless corporate refuge filled with the lamest, most boring people on earth. Detroit is really awful (especially it's hookers). It is filthy and scary and mean, and the winters must be brutal right there on the lake. But it does have three sports teams (well, two and a half), the Ford Museum, which is awesome, and it is the home of Motown. Dallas is reprehensible. Every bar and restaurant there is as big as the Wachovia Center, and they all look equally stupid, and the people there are just plain weird. Norfolk, VA, is awful as well. It like an enormous strip mall, as it consists of just one crappy fast food chain after another with a Pep Boys and Wal-Mart thrown in and here and there for miles and miles and miles straight. But I'm gonna go with Reno. Middle of nowhere, wanna be Vegas with nothing else to do besides gamble. And in my case, get a rash on my arm that didn't go away for a month. And no, it didn't come from Reno hookers.

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January 18, 2007

My favorite mayor presents: Around the Horn

-Friends recall Napoleon's cowardly fight with cancer.

-Happy Anniversary to my favorite mayor in world history, Marion "Bitch Set Me Up" Barry. It was on this date in 1990 that, well, that bitch set him up. Here are some hilarious Marion Barry quotes.

-Remember last week, when there was still a chance that we might have a home playoff game, so they told us that those wildly swaying "fun ramps" were safe? Well, now that we're not having a home game, they can let the cat out of the bag: they're, um, sort of safe but not THAT safe, so they're gonna make 'em stronger before next year.

-Congrats to the Sixers, who pulled off a very important loss last night. The Memphis Grizzlies had a worse record than us and could have gained a two game advantage on us in the Greg Oden sweepstakes. But with our backs against the wall, we came out sucking like we've never sucked before, and were able to fend them off and take the loss.

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January 17, 2007

Spam presents: Around the horn

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-If any big time drug dealers in Tennessee are reading this, remember that it's that time of year again: time to apply for your Drug tax stamp.

-Oh yeah, my review on Rocky: It's very sappy and melodramatic, but he also pays loving homage to both the character and the city of Philly. I thought they should have made the match between he and Antonio Tarver 3 rounds, which would have made the whole thing a lot more realistic. And you can see the Bards in one of the scenes. I would definitely recommend it, if only to see all the spots in Philly.

-Don't you hate it when you are watching porn at night and you see a window shot and there is light out and it reminds you that the porn was taped and edited days earlier and it just ruins the whole fantasy? No? Well, who cares, you're gonna watch live porn anyway.

K-Fed is set to appear in a Super Bowl commercial! Man, I hope he's rapping in it! That would mean that K-Fed and I would be rapping on back to back days! Like Blood Brothers! Uh, no wait, nevermind. I almost forgot that I'm retired from the rap game.

Posted at 9:55 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

January 16, 2007

Congratulations Chip!

Wheel of Terrific co-collaborater and local comedian Chip Chantry was unable to do the Wheel last night because he was involved in a competition at Helium Comedy Club (Ginger and Pat House filled in and did a fine job.) The Purina Pet Challenge called for local comedians to do their best pet jokes. Well, Chip not only entered but he won. He got $1,000 and will be flown out to St. Louis in March to compete for $10,000. Congratulations Chip!

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Happy Birthdays.

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FIrst of all, Happy birthday to quizzo cutie Sada of "The Number of Men I've Had Sex WIth Is..." Her 25th was Thursday. Today would be the 106th birthday of Frank Zamboni if he were still alive. He invented the, well, I think you know what he invented. The Frank. Hahahahaha. Whew. Man, that was good. You thought I was gonna say Zamboni and then I said Frank. That just totally messed with your head. Yesterday was Philadelphia boxing legend Bernard Hopkins b-day. He turned 42.

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That is piano playing, Andy Reid impersonating quizzo regular Steve Odabashian above with, yeah, that's right ladies. Fabio. Only in America. Oh, and vote in the new poll to the right.

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Around the Horn

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-FIrst of all best wishes Danny (above). He bartended his last quizzo on Thursday. He got called up to the big leagues, and will be working the floor at the Good Dog on Friday and Saturday nights.

-Lonely? Well how about getting yourself that perfect gift that just screams "creepy loner." It's the one man see-saw.

-Fun time waster. Here's a bunch of completely random old newspaper articles from Philadelphia, from the 1700s to now.

-I've said it before and I'll say it again: johnnygoodtimes.com is your K-Fed headquarters.

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January 15, 2007

Great MLK Quotes

I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Nonviolence is the answer to the crucial political and moral questions of our time; the need for mankind to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to oppression and violence. Mankind must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

The chain reaction of evil - hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars - must be broken, or else we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.

I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality... I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.

If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well.

Never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was legal.

Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking. There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions. Nothing pains some people more than having to think.

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict.

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What are you doing for Martin Luther King Day?

I hope that today some of you are inspired to do with your lives what Martin Luther King did with his, which to is leave the world a better place than you found it. JOIN BIG BROTHERS BIG SISTERS. Just a few hours a month can have a tremendously positive impact on a child's life. Don't wait for other people to make Philly a better city. It is time for YOU to help make it a better city. If anyone has any questions regarding the program, please feel free to contact me.
"Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?'" -Martin Luther King

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January 11, 2007

Eagles Elvis presents: Around the horn


-Pimp my toilet.

-Kelly Clarkson is looking a little rough.

-Don't worry, they are only enforcing the smoking ban at bars no-one has ever heard of.

-The 2nd round this week was one of the toughest ever. It was, "List 10 of the top 20 Fortune 500 companies." Here is the entire list.

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January 9, 2007

New York Stinks

First the Jets lose. Then the GIants lose. The Knicks are a joke. Then Cal Tech, a school which had not won a basketball game in over 11 years, defeats Bard College. From? New York. Finally, New York notices a foul stench descending on their city, and it takes those morons almost 24 hours to figure out that it was coming from Jersey, something I coulda told 'em in 30 seconds. Hey morons, here's a quick rule of thumb: the stench is always coming from Jersey.

Posted at 12:45 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

January 8, 2007

Johnny Goes to the Dentist

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Got a toothache about a week ago and got a dentist appointment for today. When your cheap ass health insurance doesn't cover much dental work, you go to the ghetto dentist, the one that doesn't have a computer or detailed "records", where you hold your own drool sucky thing (drool sucky thing, or DST, is the actual medical term) during the procedure, and where the TV in the waiting room is showing Jerry Springer. Today's episode sucked. It was, "I'm a lesbian and I'm having a baby." Booo-ring. That's so Phil Donahue 1985. I used to watch a lot of Springer in college, but I must have quit at the right time, b/c it really sucks now.

This dentist office only accepts cash, and you have to pay them before they do the procedure. But it was kind of funny, b/c I was already novocained up when they asked for the money. I guess if I hadn't have had cash on me, they would have just kicked me out, but I would have gotten a free numb mouth out of the deal. I got a cavity filled ($75), and if I don't feel a toothache over the next week, then I won't need a root canal. The dentist was actually a pretty funny guy, and I'm not coughing up blood, so I think it went well. If you have cheap ass health insurance and like Jerry Springer, I highly recommend him.

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January 4, 2007

Around the Horn

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-I pulled the completely classless move of sneaking a few Doritos into my mouth last night at Doobie's while Ginger turned her head in disgust. I would like to apologize to Doobie's for my act. I promise to buy a burger at your bar soon to make up for my rudeness.

-This is off the freaking chain. You gots to peep this. I've watched and listened like 4 times. (SFW)

-I was one of those people who always thought that Supreme Court justices were boring old people who were way too normal. Then I read this on CNN.com. "A doctor was cited as saying that (William) Rehnquist, an associate justice of the Supreme Court at the time, tried to escape the hospital in his pajamas and imagined that the CIA was plotting against him." The Chief Justice was lurking in the shadows in his PJs (preferbly with a tin foil hat), trying to stop the CIA from carrying out their sinister plot! The Supreme Court rules! No pun intended!

-Historical geography of religion in 90 seconds. This is pretty awesome.

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Baby Name Wizard Name Voyager

Here's a fun little site. It shows you how popular people's names are now, and how popular they were in the past. In other words, if you type in "Bertha" the graph peaks in like the 1920s and goes down to 0 today, while there were almost no "Madisons" 20 years ago but there are a ton today (Johnny peaked in the late 40s). So type in your name and see when it was "kool". The best part about it, though, is that it's called the "Baby Name Wizard NameVoyager", which is totally sweet. Enjoy!

Posted at 10:23 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

January 3, 2007

My Christmas Vacation (and your Photos)

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At least some of your photos. I accidentally erased the Altar Boys and the Kingdom's photos before I realized I hadn't posted them yet. Damn! Anyways, pics are up of the other teams that won the week before Christmas. There are also pics of my Christmas vacation, which include me rocking the mic, my potential future wife, and us busting my mom lip synching.
Check out photos on Flickr.

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Johnny's New New Year's Resolution

My New New Year's Resolution is to not talk about Anthony Dimeo for the remainder of 2007. I have a number of goals set for 2007, and he has nothing to do with any of them, so I am done with this thing we've had going for a couple of years. Of course, if he does something completely outrageous, I might have to reconsider.

Posted at 9:50 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

January 2, 2007

Your New Year's Resolution

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After getting involved in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program in 2006, I realized that so many of the guys who play quizzo would make great role models for the young people of Philadelphia. Then, when I heard that there is a critical shortage of Big Brothers in the program (the waiting list for Little Brothers who want a positive male rodel is rather long), I felt the need to do something. (While we may look for more Big Sisters in the future, it was felt that right now the biggest demand is for men in the program.)

After meeting with several people from BBBS, we agreed on a reasonable goal: I want to get 100 males involved by the end of the year. Of course, it will be impossible without your help. I will have more details on the program and how you can get involved later in the week. This program has become an extremely positive part of my life in the past year, and I want it to be a positive part of yours as well.
RELATED: Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Southeastern Pennsylvania Website.

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Goodtimes hears from Dimeo's Lawyer

Dunno if you read the comment left under the Year in Review November, but I will quote it here, then offer my reaction. It is in reference to this:
Be advised that your above reference to Mr. DiMeo in the City Paper awards was done purely out of humor on the part of A.D. Amorosi of the Philly City Paper and was NOT actually part of the CP Awards. Thus the reason it was not published and only posted online.

For you to state this as if it were a material fact, is not accurate. The City Paper has recently clarified that it was indeed posted online only for humor and meant no harm to anyone involved. It has since been complely removed by City Paper, yet you seem to mislead your audience into thinking it was actually part of the CP awards.

We request that you add clarification to your online statements and remove the innacurate statements completely.

If you wish to discuss this matter, feel free to contact me directly at (215) 399-1346, as I am currently representing, Mr. DiMeo as Plaintiff in other related litigation.

Thank you.

To read Johnny's response, click below.

Dear Alan,

I must have misunderstood what the City Paper meant by "Worst Party Promoter Ever". I thought they meant "Worst Party Promoter Ever". Thank you for clarifying the matter. I should have known that it might be satire. After all, Anthony Dimeo throws absolutely wonderful parties and every single person attending always has a great time.

As soon as I receive a letter from the City Paper informing me that their post entitled "Worst Party Thrower/Promoter Ever Who Probably Thinks He's the Best Party Thrower/Promoter Ever" was indeed satire, I will remove the offending mention from my website. Until then, I wish not to make assumptions on what the City Paper really meant, as they did not carry a disclaimer in the article you refer to. You and I both know what assuming does, don't we Alan? In the meantime, please inform your client that in no way did I mean to tarnish his sterling reputation as a one of America's best party promoters when quoting the City Paper. If you wish to discuss this matter, please feel free to contact me directly at johnnygoodtimes@hotmail.com.

Thank you,
Johnny Goodtimes

Posted at 1:13 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (7)

What are your resolutions?

Mine are as follows:
1) Get better organized. That is my resolution every year, and it doesn't usually work out so well.
2) Get back into comedy, and record at least one rap song.
3) At some point during the year, have a date #2 (with the same person date #1 was with, if possible.)

And of course there is the one that I will be filling you in on shortly, since you will be helping me with it. Anyway, post your New Year's Resolutions below and I'll be back in the early afternoon.

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December 29, 2006

Big things in 2007

A quick reminder for all responsible males in the area who want to do their part to make Philly a world class city: I've got your New Year's Resolution covered. I am undertaking the most ambitious project of my life and I will not succeed without your help. I don't need your money, all I need is a little bit of your time to achieve the lofty goal I have set for myself. I will have more details at the start of the New Year.

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December 27, 2006


Alright, I'm starting work on the World Famous Johnny Goodtimes Year in Review. While I do work, why don't you check out a couple of past year in reviews. Ah, good ol' 2005, when JGT went Punkin' Chunkin', went to Intercourse, and tried to advertise on a baby. Let's also take you way back to 2004, when Russians went rubber woman rafting, Johnny had his laundry stolen by a crackhead, and JGT dated a hot Jersey girl.

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December 26, 2006

Yes, Virginia, there is a Quizzo tonight

JGT is kicking it in Virginia for a few days, but the show will go on. Dark Horse John will host tonight at O'Neals and the Bards, and the Inquizzinator is gonna be in full effect manana. As of right now, I plan to be back on Thursday.

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JGT in today's Metro...I think

I have no access to the Philadelphia Metro today, but I was supposedly gonna be in the Tuesday thru Friday editions. So if you pick one up you'll see me. Maybe.

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December 24, 2006

Merry Christmas Bedford Falls! Merry Christmas You Old Savings and Loan!

Just got done drinking a little wine and watching Wonderful Life. It's as good on the 15th viewing as it was on the first. Here's a downright hilarious article about why Pottersville is soooooo much kooler than Bedford Falls.
The sole bar in town appears to be Martini's, a rest home which has a policy against admitting anyone under the age of 60. The strict family values of its devoutly Catholic Neapolitan owner, heavily watered drinks, the constant attention of a kindly bartender who knows your mother and a particularly anodyne menu of Christmas music are the attractions of this morgue, where your chances of getting lucky range between nil and zero.

Rocked the mic with a little "Christmas in Hollis" at my grader party last night. I wish I had video, but I got some good photos. I gotta be honest, I kicked total ass, and the 22 year old girls at the party gave me extended glances before deciding that they weren't interested.

Looking forward to Christmas day. Will watch a little Christmas Caroll early while we wait for my sis to get here, then watch Elf while we open presents. One of my best friends is a big Cowboys fan, so I've invited him and his family to come by and watch as the Eagles destroy them manana. Then, in the spirit of Christmas, I will laugh heartily at his expense and tell him what a fraud his favorite team is. Ah, I love the holidays. Anyways, I just wanna wish you all a joyous Christmas and be sure to check back this week as I work on my world famous "Year in Review" both here and in this week's Philadelphia Metro.

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December 21, 2006

What's the best Christmas Movie Ever?

I just posted a new poll, so be sure to vote. If you've got any movies that aren't on the poll but should be, post below. My favorite Christmas movie of all time is "It's a Wonderful Life", hands down. Indeed, watching this film is one of the highlights of the Christmas season. While most movies are about romantic love, this is a film more about platonic love, about the meaning of friendship and how important it is to our lives. But at the time it was released, it received mixed reviews:
-Indeed, the weakness of this picture, from this reviewer's point of view, is the sentimentality of it—its illusory concept of life. Mr. Capra's nice people are charming, his small town is a quite beguiling place and his pattern for solving problems is most optimistic and facile. But somehow they all resemble theatrical attitudes rather than average realities. -New York Times

Oh, and apparently there are people who are such stoners that they have figured out when to synch up "It's a Wonderful Life" and Pink Foyd's "Wish You Were Here". Another strange fact about the film: the FBI hated it. A 1947 FBI memo stated that, "With regard to the picture 'It's a Wonderful Life'...this film is a rather obvious attempt to discredit bankers by casting Lionel Barrymore as a 'scrooge type' so that he would be the most hated man in the picture. This, according to these sources, is a common trick used by Communists." Final fun fact, this one courtesy of wikipedia: After Uncle Billy chooses between his three wavering hats and leaves George's house drunk, it sounds as if he is falling over trash cans. This scene was unplanned. A technician accidentally dropped some equipment off-set, making a loud noise. Shouting "I'm all right, I'm all right," the actor saved the take and made comedic history. The stagehand made an extra $10.

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December 20, 2006

Just Because

OK, first off, this is my mom's favorite song ever. Not favorite Christmas song ever. Favorite song. Ever. Secondly, there are rumors that I will be performing this song at a grader shed party in Virginia on Saturday. (Grader sheds are where farmers have a conveyer belt to sort through or grade veggies. They also store farm equipment.) These rumors are of course untrue, and JGT doesn't know how they got started. Oh, and Smackdown will be pissed if I don't say that she suggested that I post this song. Smackdown suggested that I post this song.

Posted at 10:34 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

Trivia Art Honored by Philly Weekly

Well, the rumors proved true. Food and booze master (as well as occasional quizzo fill in and johnnygoodtimes.com contributer) Trivia Art just had his site Foobooz named Philly's best food blog by the Weekly:
It's everything you want in a food blog—openings, blind items, whittled-down capsule reviews, nightly specials and happy hour deals­—with none of the endless mind-numbing threads from aggro foodies you'll find on other food blogs. Art Etchell's site has just the facts, and I like it that way.
RELATED: Philly Weekly year in review in food.
Trivia Art on MySpace.

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December 19, 2006

Malia presents: Around the horn

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-Glenn is rocking Christmas like a Hurricane. The Jewish forecaster refuses to promote the Christian holiday on the air. Speaking of Jews and the Christmas holiday, if you missed the Wheel of Terrific last night, you missed Hanukkah Dwayne and you also missed bartender Marianne dressed in her Mrs. Claus outfit. Both were spectacular.

-What if Office Space was a thriller?

-Britney gets dragged out of her car and beaten by the fashion police.

-Oh please God no.

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December 18, 2006

The 4th annual holiday spectacular

JGT will be hosting the 4th annual holiday spectacular this week at all quizzoes. It will be the same questions throughout, so I am asking that all teams just play once this week. So brush up on your Christmas movies,find out what a chanukkiyah is, and come on out and party!

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Quizzo For the Cause

Hey gang, the Philadelphia Committee to End Homelessness was overjoyed with the $307 we raised for them a couple of months ago, and in the spirit of the season, we're gonna raise some cash for charity again this week. We'll be giving to a charity we gave to last year at about this time, the Utility Emergency Services Fund. It's a charity that helps low income families pay their utility bills, which is of course vital in the winter. I am asking each person who plays this week to donate at least $1 to this worthy cause. Also, I would like to remind male quizzo players that I have many of your New Years Resolutions already taken care of. I'll talk to some of you this week about what you will be doing next year to help make Philadelphia a better city. More details to follow in the near future.

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December 14, 2006

Santa Presents Around the Horn

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-David Duke takes on Wolf Blitzer on CNN. At one point, David Duke actually says, "You can't handle the truth." In other news, David Duke apparently has a very firm grip on the truth.

-TO says, "Stop Snitchin'!"

-Santa News! First, a man curses out Santa at Plymouth Meeting mall. Second, the Running of the Santas is taking place this Saturday. Yeah, you heard me. The Running of the Freaking Santas. Damn, I love this city.

-Thursday With Ginger coming this afternoon.

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The Fado rivalry continues

Now as you know, Johnny has long had a rivalry with Fado quizzo. And it just got a little hotter, as JGT decided to swing by Fado after the Black Sheep for a New York minute with Trivia Art Wednesday night. Once he arrived, he was informed that earlier in the evening, the quizzo host at Fado had stated, "Johnny Goodtimes sucks." Since there has yet to be confirmation of the statement, JGT has elected to remain silent on the matter. Bobby Badtimes is expected to weigh in on the matter as part of his holiday address in the coming weeks.

But it was what happened as I prepared to leave that was really worth repeating (yeah, I just switched from the third to first person. I can do that. It's my website.). Suddenly, this girl just walks up to me and says, "I told that guy that if he didn't stop f****** with me I was going to tell my boyfriend," this complete stranger says to me excitedly. "My boyfriend is in the Irish mob, and he will KILL you." Noticing that my eyes got kind of big at this statement, she soothed me with, "Not you, this is what I told the guy who kept f****** with me." She then bragged, "My boyfriend is in the Irish mob, and he has killed over 20 people since moving to America without getting caught, so I am not someone you want to mess with." She then stormed off. As a public service, I would like to alert the local citizenry that there is apparently an Irishman in the city who has killed over 20 people here, and Lord knows how many he killed in his homeland before sailing over. Be wary of all Irishmen! If you see someone who looks Irish approaching, just start running and screaming, "Killer!!!" This should frighten them off.

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December 13, 2006

Like Whoa

-Yeah, yesterday I wrote about the Junkyard Dog, and today I'm looking at birthdays and guesss who would be 54 today if they were still alive? Weird. Man, makes me wanna grab them cakes!

-Men do not think about sex every 8 seconds. That is an unfounded myth designed to make us look bad! We think about a lot of things other than sex. A random sampling of my thoughts over the past 8 seconds confirms this:
Bull riding is my new favorite sport; Hamburger Helper is delicious; I wonder what my fiancee is up to.
See, one about sports, one about food, and one about a person who is as nearly as dear to me as I am to her. And nothing about sex.

-Dr. Phil kicks the creator of Bumfights off his show. I hope that dude that created Bumfights drives off a bridge. A tall one, where he has a lot to think about before he hits the water.

-There is something weird going on here. I got up at 11 and now it's almost one and there is no way I've been sitting here at this computer for two hours. Something is up, and it is unsettling.

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December 12, 2006

What's the best holiday gift you ever received?

What's the best gift you ever got for Christmas, Hanukkah, Festivus, etc.? That's a tough one for me. I remember one Christmas I spent the night at my grandad's house on Christmas Eve and in the morning I received the Atari game Real Sports Football and was tortured b/c my Atari was at home and my grandad didn't have one. But my sister got a chalkboard, so I commandeered that and spent the morning drawing up plays for my game. Which, considering the sophistication of computer football games back then, made about as much sense as drawing up plays for Pick Up Sticks. I also remember the year I got a Steve Bartkowski jersey. Seriously. That was pretty special. But probably the most memorable was when all I wanted for Christmas was a Junkyard Dog wrestling figure and Santa drove 100 miles away to find one, but the place didn't have it, so Santa had to write me a poem explaining why I wouldn't be getting Junkyard Dog that year. (I'll ask my mom if she still has Santa's poem stored somewhere. If so, I'll be sure to post it.) Instead I just got a Rowdy Roddy Piper rasslin' figure By itself. The Rowdy Roddy Piper figure did a lot of interviews that year, and occasionally had a "midget match" against GI Joe action figures. What about you? What was the best/most memorable holiday gift you ever received?

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Malia and Popo present: Around the Horn

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-New York always has to one up us, don't they? Our Taco Bells serve bad onions, so they get a restaurant which serves polonium-310. Touche, NYC. Touche.

-What's the big deal about Nicole Richie driving in the carpool lane? Who, in an effort to get somewhere on time, hasn't pulled a "fast one" and slipped into the carpool lane for just a few minutes? High on Vicotin? Driving the wrong way?

-I'm still loving hot chicks with douchebags.

-Quick reminder: Carpe Diem, because no-one is promised tomorrow.

-Attention girl at the gym with the pretty eyes that I tried so pathetically to hit on today: If you are reading this, I want you to know that I'm not usually that big of a weirdo toolbag. Nevermind, yes I am. Damnit!

Posted at 12:33 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (4)


The lovely Ginger and I are in the midst of something devious. We will let you know what we are up to later this week, but I just thought should know. No, we are not making out with each other. We did that once, in 2003, but it was like when Brandon Walsh and Valerie Malone (played by the lovely Tiffani Amber Thiessen. Meeeow!) started to make out in 90210, we just started laughing and said, "This is stupid." So we won't be going there again.

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December 8, 2006

Working on it

Yeah, I'm working on the Week in Review, but it's slow going b/c I actually went out the last two nights. And by went out, I mean, didn't go anywhere but hung out at whichever bar I finished up quizzo at. Think I'm gonna take it easy tonight afer B-ball practice. Also, men who regularly play quizzo: I've got your New Year's Resoluton all taken care of. Don't worry about it. I have a very exciting goal for 2007 and you are going to help me achieve it by being better people. Details forthcoming.

Posted at 3:29 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

December 6, 2006

Did it work?

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Several people have asked me this week if my search for a frontier woman paid off. Well, I wouldn't say it paid off, per se, but I definitely got some fun responses. For example: I am up to my winter weight and can shoot a gun. I can also russle up some squirrels and make you the best gosh darn squirrel soup u ever had. Can I bring along my man and the 10 young'uns with us though? Another tried to sell me on her attributes: I have a conestoga wagon, 3 oxen, 25 lbs of boiled potatoes, a whittlin' knife and an iron skillet. And one tried to sell me on her heritage: have you found someone to take your trip with you? well, if not i maybe of help...it is rumored that i am a tiny part blackfoot. i might just be able to get the savages to cut some slack.

Who says frontier romance is dead?

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Around the horn

-Nickelback is so talented that some of their songs sound exactly the same! Celine Dion and Nickelback. If we do suspect Canada of having WMDs, I don't care how shaky our intelligence is, I say we bomb them back to the middle ages.

-Jessica Simpson blows it on stage.

-Doc Watson's reopens! As part of their grand opening, they are running a contest. First 120 teenagers into the attic get a free tuna melt. I keed! I keed!

-Phillies trying to land Freddie Garcia, which would be awesome, though we might have to give up Aaron Rowan.

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Happy Birthday Steven Wright

Happy birthday to comedian Steven Wright. Here are a few of his great one liners:
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Half the people you know are below average.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out.

Posted at 11:20 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

December 4, 2006

Johnny tries to find love on the internet again

-Hey, do you think this is gonna work? (Be sure to scroll down and see accompanying photo. SFW).

-Congratulations Good Dog! Craig Laban says they have the best cheeseburger in Philadelphia. (Inky via Foobooz.)

-Don't worry. Just because Rummy left doesn't mean we still can't torture US citizens w/o charges against them. (NY Times)

-Happy 43rd to pole vaulter Sergei Bubka (pronounced, delightfully, Sir-gay Boob-ka)) and happy 37th to Jay Z.

-It was on this date in 1872 that the ghost ship Mary Celeste was discovered, in excellent condition, with nothing missing but the passegers and crew. What happened? The Straight Dope investigates.

Posted at 12:10 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

December 1, 2006

Killer Whale attack

By now, you have all heard about the killer whale attack, and since I worked with marine mammals for a few years, I thought I would throw in my two cents. I am whole heartedly against killer whales in captivity. To be honest, I have very mixed feelings about dolphins in captivity, but not about killer whales. It is simply tragic that these incredibly intelligent creatures are kept cooped up in tiny holding areas, wasting away. In the wild, these creatures swim about 75 miles a day. Their holding tanks are usually not too much longer than the whales themselves. Their life spans are much shorter in captivity.

I have a good friend who is an orca trainer, and she is saddened by the treatment that some of these animals receive. While the trainers no doubt love the animals, there is a very powerful force at work here: this is a multimillion dollar industry and there are corporate interests that could care less about the condition of the animals, as long as they are healthy enough to perform and rake in money. Sorry to sound cynical, but I assure you I have seen plenty of this with my own two eyes. Exotic animals in captivity are a cash cow, and people who know very little about animals often run the financial side of things. These people don't care whether or not the animal is having a bad day or isn't in the mood to perform-that animal WILL perform, no questions asked. So the animal that dragged the trainer to the bottom of the pool may have shown signs of aggression earlier in the day, but that would not have mattered. The show had to go on, and the money had to be made.
RELATED: Sad truth about orcas in captivity.

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November 30, 2006

Photo lands JGT in trouble with Fiancee, Crips

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A photo of JGT that surfaced on the AP wire this morning has Johnny's fiancee angry, as well as leaders of LA street gang the Crips. "Johnny's fiancee, who finds him very attractive and thinks he has a great sense of humor, was not pleased when she saw photos of him seeming to enjoy a beer with another female after Tuesday night quizzo," said a friend of the couple who asked not to be identified. "When she saw the photo, Johnny fiancee said that he had 'humiliated himself' and then called him a couple of names I'd rather not repeat. Johnny ran from the room crying like a little girl. His fiancee is furious, but she still finds Johnny very handsome and charming. She loves tie dye."

Meanwhile, Lamar "Knuckles" Jackson of the Crips was not pleased with the photo either. "I am a big fan of Johnny's website," said Knuckles, who lives in Compton, CA. "I find it both informative and entertaining. But I am concerned by the fact that JGT seems to be a fan of our arch rivals, the Bloods. If you see Johnny," Knuckles continued while pulling a sawed off shotgun out of his closet, "Please ask him to reconsider his affiliations. I hear Southwest is flying onto Philly these days, and their prices are very reasonable."

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November 29, 2006

Happy Birthday Dad!

Hope you have a great birthday, Dad!

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November 28, 2006

Philly Mag, Scared of Being labeled 'Pertinent', Resorts to Cliche Handbook

As I reported, Philly Mag last month had a very impressive cover story about the murder rate in our city, and for a fair second I thought the Mag might actually start writing about stuff that people off the Main Line care about. Well, they nipped that notion in the bud, trotting out the lamest cliche in the book this month. A cover story on (are you ready for this?) Rocky. Whoa! But wait, it gets worse. I actually decided to give the story, written by GQ writer Andrew Corsello, a try. Big mistake, b/c a few paragraphs in, I came upon this: "You're famous for your rotteness, you people." Oh God, here we go..."You're the ones who pelted Jimmy Johnson with snowballs." Are we supposed to be ashamed of this? Jimmie Johnson is a douchebag, and if I saw him on a snowy street, I'd hit him with a snowball today. "You're the ones who drove Mitch Williams to hermitude in Siberia or Katmandu or wherever he was sent to atone in silent prayer." Siberia? Nice fact checking job. Yeah, we were so mean to Mitch that he moved all the way to South Jersey, where he lives now..."the ones who booed McNabb on draft day." OK, so fair enough. That was stupid. Just end it there. You've got us beat, you made your point, just as long as you don't bring up..."the ones who rained boos and snowballs on Santa at Franklin Field." You did not just take it there. "Santa, for Christ's sake!" Yes you did. Way to deliver a punchline that ESPN delivers every single friggin' week. I guess you proved that Rocky isn't the lamest cliche in the book. The Santa snowball debacle is. You miraculously outcliched your own story, which was almost impossible to do. I knew that the TV show Hack took place in Philadelphia, but I didn't know it was based on your writing.

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Nate Wiley Memorial Service Tommorrow

There will be a memorial sevice for Nate Wiley tommorrow at the Len Ellis funeral home on 529 Rising Sun Avenue from 9-11 am. Here are some tributes to Nate, and I highly recommend the short video
Video: A Taste of Nate
Related: Inquirer tribute
JGT Tribute to Nate Wiley.
The photo above is from an excellent article in the City Paper in 1998.

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November 27, 2006

The Hawaii Quiz

Well, it was 6 years ago this week that I moved back to the mainland after a 3 year stint in the Hawaiian Islands. So I'm gonna post last weeks winners with a question about Hawaii. Post your answers in the comments section below the stories. One guess per person.

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November 23, 2006

From Our Family to yours: Happy Holidays

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My fiancee*** (above) and I would like to extend warm holiday greetings to all of you. I hope you have a safe and happy holiday, and I look forward to seeing you all again soon. I'll get pics and stuff up ASAP, though I'm not sure when that will be. Oh, and remember, Spinal Tap on Monday.

***There are rumors that the girl in the photo is not my fiancee, but is in fact a bartender at a local pub who humored me for like 15 seconds last night when one of my friends proposed we take a photo together. Nothing could be farther from the truth. She is in fact my fiancee, and she finds me very witty, charming and handsome. Let's review: Bartender at local Pub who finds me not the least bit attractive or interesting? NO. My fiancee who finds me very wonderful and terrific? YES.

Posted at 11:52 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (6)

November 22, 2006

Annotated Weekly:JGT and Charlie Manuel, together at last

Hey, I got a couple of things in this week's Philadelphia Weekly. First of all, I am on page 26 right next to Charlie Manuel which I am for some reason extremely amused by. I was asked what my favorite movie was. I think you people know what I answered. Then, I was on a pub crawl Saturday with the lovely Ginger (aka Suzanne) and Trivia Art when we bumped into Brook, a writer for the Weekly. She did a short write up about the evening. As for the, "So who likes hummers?" line, I think was actually talking about Jerseyites and their affinity for those obnoxious vehicles, not making a desperate pitch to nearby gay men. I did say that McGillan's Old Ale House had the whitest jukebox in Philly, but I then added, "It's even whiter than Ten Stone's," which is a real insult, since I have long held Ten Stone's jukebox to be the Holy Grail of crappy jukeboxes. As far as the "The opportunity is the beauty of being an American" line, Trivia Art seems to remember that I was trying to make a point about transvestites.

My own personal favorite line of the night was when we walked into Ludwigs, and there was a band that was playing the slowest, sappiest music ever. As we turned on our heels and walked out, I said, "Did somebody get their card? I want them to play my funeral." Finally, one last aside. When we went to the wine bar, we decided to order a certain type of wine simply because it's description read that it had "hints of ham". I took one sip, and exclaimed, "Mmmmmmm, it's just like a sandwich in a glass!" All in all, a damn fun night.

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Sherman and the Conspiracy

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It was 43 years ago today that perhaps the most controversial event in US history took place, the assassination of JFK. A few months ago, I was lucky enough to visit the Book Depository Museum, and while it was a great museum, the adventure really got started when I got outside and a strange conspiracy buff named Sherman offered to tell me the real story behind what happened that day. It's a pretty good interview of a pretty wacky guyso check it out if you have a minute. I think you'll enjoy it.
RELATED: Crime library has the details on the assassination.

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November 21, 2006

Around the Horn

-Editor at Phillyburbs.com defends Michael Richards racist tirade, saying that maybe the blacks in the crowd deserved it, and that the media is at fault. In other news, Phillyburbs.com hires idiots to be their editors.

-Somebody named Tralfaz sent me this absolutely hilarious clip of Richard Simmons on Whose Line Is It Anyway. This is great. Every time I see Richard Simmons on TV, I think to myself, "Why am I not watching this guy every day?" Give this a talk show gig already! Damn!

-If you are going to make Nazi gingerbread men, don't put them in a hardware store window. For future reference.

-This from the Daily News: Kensington/Northeast-reared comedian John Kensil's been busy shooting television shows in Los Angeles, where he's been living for about a year. Kensil recently did bits in "How I Met Your Mother," "The New Adventures of Old Christine" and "King of Queens."

He'll also play a judge in the upcomingWill Ferrell movie "Blades of Glory," due out in March. Kensil's back in town, performing with fellow local comic Kevin Brennan at Helium (2031 Sansom) tonight through Saturday. For showtimes and tickets, check out HeliumComedy.com.

John is a buddy of mine (yeah, I'm name dropping. F-you, it's my website) and a very funny man. I highly encourage you to check him out this week if you get a chance.

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November 20, 2006

Musical Legend Nate Wiley Passes Away at age 83

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There are only a few places I am sure to take family and friends when they come to town. They are, in no particular order: Jim's Steaks, the Italian Market, and Bob and Barbara's. And while B and B's is a great bar in its own right, there was something more than the smoky ambience and PBR specials that I wanted to be sure my family experienced in the limited time we had together in the city. That was the sounds, energy, and feeling brought to the room by the house band, Nate Wiley and the Crowd Pleasers.

Nate claimed in an excellent City Paper article in 1998 that he "didn't play jazz, he played liquor drinking music". Whatever the genre, Nate was as smooth as they come, and when I decided to hold my first big event in Philadelphia, Quizzo Bowl I, there was only one band I even considered as my musical accompaniment.

Not that Nate was easy to work with. He grumbled about showing up for a sound check, about parking, about how late the show was. And then he took the stage and, let's face it, saved Quizzo Bowl One. I had no idea what I was doing, and the event ran much longer than it should have. But the crowd perservered, and since most teams were eliminated after two rounds, I am convinced that that had more to do with Nate Wiley and the guys than it did with quizzo questions.

Before Quizzo Bowl Two, I asked the poll question, "Do you want to see Nate Wiley and the Crowd Pleasers again this year?", and the results were overwhelming. Over 90% of the people who responded said yes. They were not disappointed, as Nate and the Pleasers seemed to somehow take it up a notch from Quizzo Bowl One. And when, at the end of the that show, I asked the crowd to give a warm hand to the band, there erupted the most thunderous applause I have ever heard from a crowd of that size. I get chicken skin thinking about that moment, as the applause seemed to not only maintain but somehow grow as it continued, 300 people wanting to show their appreciation for what was simply a spectacular musical experience. And though I am sad to hear of his death, I selfishly feel lucky to have existed at a time and place where I was granted the opportunity to hear a true Philadelphia legend at his best. I am even more grateful that I was able to share many of those experiences with my family. Rest in Peace, Nate Wiley. You will be truly missed.

Posted at 2:18 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (6)

Five Infidels and a Heathen

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The best oh yes I guess suggest the rest should fess
Don't mess or test your highness
Unless you just address with best finesse
And bless the paragraph I manifest
Rap prime minister, some say sinister
Non-stopping the groove, until when it's the
Climax, and I max, relax and chill
Have a break from a take of me acting ill
Brain cells are lit, ideas start to hit
Next the formation of words that fit
At the table I sit, making it legit
And when my pen hits the paper, ahh s***!
I stop and stand strong over MCs
And devour with the power of Hercules
Or Samson, but I go further the length
Cause you could scalp my cameo and I'll still have strength

Posted at 12:09 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

November 17, 2006

Goodtimes sells out to corporate interests (Again)

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Critics of Johnny Goodtimes were armed with fresh ammo on Thursday, as JGT hosted a corporate party for Merck in Blue Bell. "First, he's writing for Traffic.com, now he's hosting parties for giant pharmaceuticals," said longtime critic Spanky Twizzler. "Anyone who thinks that JGT is just some happy-go-lucky bar jockey who is doing this for the love of the sport is just deluding themselves. He is simply a commodity, selling out every chance he gets to special interests." When broached for comment, Johnny simply said, "You'll have to take this up with my publicist."

Meanwhile, Seven X's and a Y (above) emerged victorious at the event, defeating teams with such colorful names as "Table 6", "Table 5", and "Table 9". The Superheroes finished 2nd. The event was a lot of fun, then Johnny got lost trying to get back to the city. Fortunately, having previously dated someone in the suburbs paid off, as I recognized where I was at one point and was able to figure out my way back.

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Oh, Baby, Baby, It's a Wild World

-Mike Tyson is set to become a male prostitute. His boss? Heidi Fleiss. I am not kidding.

-A woman from Charlotte came up to West Chester in the hopes of stalking Bam Margera, and disappeared. Like whoa, this is weird.

-Is Tom and Katie's baby, um, special?

-Unquestionably the hottest new word of the week is gyroball. Is it pronounced like year-o or Jie-ro? Does it even exist? Will simply attempting it rip your arms out of their sockets? Nobody knows!

-Week in Review coming soon.

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Goodtimes: Not Cheesy?

In what could be termed a mild upset, the quizzo at Roosevelt's was named cheesiest quizzo. Goodtimes, who has made a career out of being cheesy, was a little disappointed, and even more so when Gervase was named cheesiest celeb. But he did get a bit of vindication when his former employers, the CIty Tavern, got named cheesiest dining experience. City Tavern. Philadelphia’s version of Medieval Times, but without any of the fun (or the drumsticks). You think it's no fun to eat there? Try dressing up in colonial garb and carrying a "Martha Washington turkey pot pie" to table 9. I don't know of a single server who came out of that experience without a severe dependance on alcohol.
RELATED: Philly Weekly tells us what's cheesy.

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November 16, 2006

It's official

Mary Kate and Ashley are completely and totally out of their f****** minds. Just look at those eyes. Attention retailers: do not sell these poor girls black Nikes and purple armbands the next time a comet comes close. I'm just sayin'.

Posted at 2:23 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (7)

What is wrong with you, hot chicks?

There is nothing less heartening than seeing some smoking hot girl who should be dating a sweet-hearted, handsome, intelligent soul like yourself walking arond with some K-Fed jerk-off wannabe with beaucoup de hair gel who hangs out at Bleu Martini, and who uses phrases like "beaucoup de" to say "a lot of". And designer sunglasses. Nothing says, "I like girls who wear Abercrombie and Fitch" like a pair of designer glasses. Am I right, fellas? I'm right. Well, finally, there is a website dedicated to this phenomenon, hotchickswithdouchebags.com. This is a great website.

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November 15, 2006

Powers was lucky. He had broken his back.

If you ever decide to jump over the St. Lawrence River in a car, I highly suggest you do so in a 1970s Lincoln Continental. Apparently, those things fly like birds. Thanks, Duff, for sending this in. If you see something funny or amazaing on the net for me to post, just send it to me.

Posted at 11:00 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

Vote for the Average Homeboy

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Now, as you all know, JGT is down with YouTube legend Average Homeboy. Therefore, I want you to vote for Blazin Hazen on YouTube, so that he can appear on Good Morning America.

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Happy Birthdays

Happy Birthday to former Supreme Court Justice Felix Frankfurter, who is best known for having the name Felix Frankfurter. Are you kidding me? What a kickass name! Thanks, Felix Frankfurter, and happy 124th birthday. We have another very special birthday today, as Judge Wapner turns 87! Sadly, the Ol' Dirty Bastard would turn 38 today if he were still alive. Here is a hilarious story of a nerdy white guy who used to get calls intended for ODB, since they both had the name Russell Jones.
Jones began to notice a pattern in the calls. There would be a few weeks of calm, and then the phone would start ringing five or six times a night. When this happened, Jones would say to his wife, “I think the O.D.B. did something.”

Posted at 10:25 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

November 14, 2006

Great Show Tonight

In addition to quizzo tonight, there is going to be a terrific comedy show. 16 of Philly's best comedians will be competing to appear on an upcoming show on Comedy Central. Comedians include Wheel of Terrific regulars Chip Chantry and Pat House. BEst part? It's free! Just make reservations by calling 215-496-9001. The show starts at 8 p.m., and will be at Helium, (2031 Sansom), which is right around the corner from the Bards. Show should wrap up around 10:15, giving you time to make it to quizzo. So check it out. I have seen a bunch of these guys live, and they are really good. This will be a great show.

Posted at 3:21 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Congrats Trivia Art

Trivia Art got much love from the Inky's blog of record, Blinq: But Foobooz takes the prize for best-tended food blog. Food, drink and deals is Arthur Etchells' beat, and if he was working the city desk, he'd be a cop reporter. There's always something newsy, like the latest post, which informs us that Le Bec Fin has just received five stars from Mobil Travel Guide.
RELATED: Foobooz.

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November 13, 2006

Ed Bradley 1941-2006

I've been kind of surprised at how shaken up I've been by the news of Philly native Ed Bradley's death. I mean, I don't know what it is, but I just got a lump in my throat when I heard he died and then I cried all the way through the 60 Minutes special last night. Maybe it was because my dad used to always watch 60 Minutes when I was a kid, and I've watched it on and off ever since, so I guess I heard Bradley's voice a lot more than I realized I had, and am just sad that I won't hear it any more. I was particularly moved by this line from Wynton Marsalis: "Oh, man. You know, they say that soul is when you have the ability to make other people feel better about being alive, regardless of their condition. And he possessed that in such abundance."

Related: Washington Post obit for TV legend.

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Sports Trivia

Alright, guys, I'm gonna post the pics from last week with a sports trivia question underneath it. Sorry it took so long to get started today but the server crashed. Anyways, I'm gonna post a question and you post the answer in the comments section. One guess per person.

Posted at 12:21 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

November 10, 2006

Remember to vote!

Yo, peeps, where ya at? We democratizin' and s***. Vote for which movie you wanna see at the Troc on the 27th by looking on the right side of the page and voting. Word. Coming later this afternoon: The Week in Review.

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Happy Birthday Eve!

Rumors of a love affair between rapper Eve and local quizmaster Johnny Goodtimes continue to circulate wildly in Goodtimes mind. "Yeah, things are going pretty well for Eve and I right now," said Goodtimes, who has been sniffing a lot of glue lately. "So today, for her birthday, I'm going to be taking her somewhere real nice, like Applebee's or maybe even Red Lobster. Anywhere she wants to go, provided I have coupons to said restaurant." And for dessert? "Well, let's just put it this way," said a coy quizmaster. "For dessert, we'll be going somewhere that starts with a 'D' and ends with a 'N' and has 'airy quee' in the middle."

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No go Toronto

Yeah, I blew it. I came home last night thinking I could line up a last minute flight. And I could have. But the tickets to participate in the tourney were sold out by then, so it looks like I'll be sticking around Philly this weekend. Anybody know anything fun going on?

Posted at 10:35 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

November 9, 2006

Johnnygoodtimes.com: Your K-Fed headquarters

Apparently K-Fed rocked the house last night in Chicago, playing to a pretty decent sized crowd once the House of Blues decided to make tickets free b/c nobody bought any. Here were some quotes from the story:
-"Hey, I see a lot of fine ladies in here," said the rapper. "You know I'm a free man, right, ladies? You wanna dance with a pimp?"
-"All my ladies," he said from stage, "I love you to death!"
-"Ladies if you're drunk, let me hear you scream!" he shouted. Later he added, "I represent the g–damned West Coast."
- "It's a party for K Federline. Gonna rock and roll," he announced.

Oh God Britney, can't you please just give him one more chance? Please? You can't let this kind of guy slip away! He's representing the g-damned West Coast, for goodness sakes! I mean, his album sold over 6,000 copies this past week (which is what I would expect to sell, honestly, if I released a rap album), and will probably end up selling around 2 million when all is said and done.

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On the Fence

The World RPS Championship is on Saturday, but I haven't decided whether or not to play. I mean, I thought I could find a last minute cheap flight, but that ain't happening, and the drive is an all day event. So is it worth it to drive all day on Friday and all day Sunday to play RPS on Saturday? Not sure. Plus my little league b-ball team has a game on Saturday that I'd have to miss if I go. (BTW, we won our first game this past Saturday, which raises the obvious question: Am I the next Red Auerbach?).

Posted at 10:12 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

November 8, 2006

Must Read Philly Mag?

I've dogged Philly Mag a lot over the years, and will certainly continue to gleefully do so. However, I must give credit where credit is due: they have an excellent cover story this month on the murder epidemic in our city. And I also appreciate editor Larry Platt's feelings on this topic: Last week, when our cover story on Philadelphia’s murder epidemic came out, it was met with some eye-opening examples of civic denial. The Greater Philadelphia Hotel Association accused us of sensationalizing because we didn’t say on our cover that “the murder problem exists primarily in North Philadelphia.” I responded by pointing out that we’re one city, one Philadelphia, and great cities tackle their problems head-on. Moreover, history has proven that you can’t flourish in the long run by perpetuating your own tale-of-two-cities narrative; you can’t maintain your soul while pretending that five-year-olds getting caught in the crossfire a mile to the north are not your problem. You do that and you can say goodbye to our upsurge in tourism, dining and the arts. You do that and you become Detroit.

Kick ass, Larry (btw, I'm being serious here, not facetious. I feel the exact same way that Larry does. ONE needs to be more than a logo for our football team. It should be the logo for our city.) This issue was so good, I've decided to forgive you for the parking lot debacle at the Best Of Awards!

Posted at 10:35 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Quizzo Will Not Be Cancelled!

As you might suspect, Johnny is devastated by Tuesday's events. First the breakup, then the Santorum loss; life hardly seems worth living. He will be spending the day in his basement, sobbing softly. However, he will bravely be on the mic hosting quizzo on Wednesday.

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November 6, 2006

Name those song lyrics

I'm going to post pics of the winners, followed by the lyrics of various songs. You have to write in the comments section what song the lyrics come from, and the artist. Good luck, and no cheating! One guess per person.

Posted at 12:01 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

November 3, 2006


This from the City Paper, about La Lupe: The chorizo taco at La Lupe costs $2. That means two tacos = $4. S***'s tasty, too — poked with sprigs of cilantro, smothered in an alarmingly green salsa and served with a side of sliced cucumber.

Hey guys, I'm no food critic, but I'm pretty sure that if you're trying to talk up a restaurant, you don't use the term "s***'s tasty". Ever. Ever ever ever. Seriously. S***'s lame.

Other food news: We're still the best at tipping. As a long time former server, I say, "Rock on, Philly!"

Posted at 12:15 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

November 2, 2006

JGT in 34th Street Magazine

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There are a lot of haters out there, according to 34th Street Magazine, which today came out with a piece about Rock Paper Scissors. Of course, I just skimmed through the article until I found the part about me:
Johnny Goodtimes, the City League Champ and self-described "champion athlete," relishes talking to reporters and the film crew, and often repeats his grand and humorous statements about his famous win. Though he will play in Toronto, he has retired from American play because "I'm already an international megastar, due to the Quizzo empire, and I don't need the accolades and the glory and the casual sex and everything else that's attached to being a champion." Though he is being sardonic, there is no smile on his face and only a hint in his voice that he might be less than serious.

Many were outraged by Johnny Goodtimes's win at the City League Championship last June, because he did not attend many of the events throughout the season. One player called him a "glorified ringer" while another claimed he is "the worst RPS player out there." This sort of feud is characteristic of the small League; since many of the players regularly competed, they considered an outsider winning to be an upset.

Glorified ringer? Worst RPS player out there? To the haters, I can only say one thing: "Whether you like it or not, learn to love it, because its the best thing going. Woooooooooo!"

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Around the horn

-Is anyone else having problems with fruit flies? I mean, it's not like I eat fruit, so I don't know what these guys are doing here. My mom said that she had 'em bad down in Virginia, but is anyone else getting them, or is my family cursed?

-King of the hipsters gets profiled. Those ironic hipsters love the fact that it's in Philadelphia Magazine. One of the hipsters sounds unironic, though, like a Rouge regular. Another Philly scenester at the table, Ryan Creed, tells me: "You’re right now sitting at the center of Philadelphia top-shelf, A-list hipster power." I laugh — and then realize he’s mostly serious.

-Tired of wearing those contemporary jerseys that show off your belief in Jesus? Then you need a Christian throwback jersey! (The girl modeling the Genesis jersey is way too hot to be a Christian.) Thanks to Phil for sending this in.

-Huge upset and somebody ups the ante on the Fado vs. Black Sheep quizzo rivalry. Details coming tommorrow.

Posted at 11:58 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (6)

November 1, 2006

Haiku Debacle comes to a quiet close

In what has been judged the worst contest in the history of mankind, JGT has decided to announce the winners for the 2nd Annual JGT Haiku Extravaganza. Of course, the initial 31 haikus were lost to the machine, as they were eaten by cyberspace and will probably be seen on tv sets in England in like three years (updated link. Previous one to AI story made no sense. Everything about this contest is jinxed!) Anyways, three people pretty much provided all of the haikus from that point on, those people being Darth Ern, EE, and Palestra Jon. And they all had at least one good one. But Ern's were almost all about politics, so he was eliminated. Palestra Jon was able to note, in haiku form, how frustrated everyone was with the disastrous contest. His was third best:
He lost the first set
Five haikus the second time
This is all fake, right?

But EE did a better job. He was also able to convey the anger many felt toward the quizmaster with computer problems after JGT asked for more haikus. He finished 2nd.
I mean, why bother?
He'll only lose them again.
Let's murder Goodtimes.

But my favorite came from the Fink, and it had the most to do with this year's topic, murder:
Feathers are flying!
Clucking, pecking - then silence.
It's murder most fowl.

What the heck, the top three all get tix to Murderers, which is in it's final week this week! Contact me and let me know where I can hand off your tix. And I want to thank everyone who participated. Let's close with a haiku.
It was the host who
lost your haiku masterpiece
Or was it Badtimes?

Posted at 1:50 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (8)

Dreams do come true

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Movie Monday semi-regular Dawn shares my love of the greatest movie ever, but she now has one up on me: she met the master! Here is her report:
Okay it was the coolest thing ever! It was at Chiller Theatre this weekend (www.chillertheatre.com). He was so awesome. I acted like a total spaz. I packed all my Pee Wee stuff and dumped it on the table in front of him, including dvds, VHS, a lighter, etc. I printed the picture of me from the Troc in my Pee Wee shirt. He wrote on it Dawn, I (drew heart and colored it in) you! I could just about die right now. Miss Yvonne was there too. She was so sweet.

I was so nervous leading up to it and everyone was waiting me for me pass out and/or pee myself - no pun intended. So coincidence or not, extra security arrived in the room when I got to our hero. After it was all said and done, people cheered for me. Oh, and Paul called me high maintenance. He saw right to the core of me :)

He wasn't even there promoting anything. Just was there for the fans, I guess. His manager flipped out a little when I pulled out an autographed picture of The Tripper I got from David Arquette (an upcoming movie with Arquette and Paul Reubens in it). But overall it was great. I can't stop smiling thinking about it. I hope he starts doing more appearances once he gets into his new flicks.

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October 31, 2006

Alright, single ladies

Today's the day! Today, you'll know for sure whether or not you're going to get married! This from wikipedia:
In North America, unmarried women were frequently told that if they sat in a darkened room and gazed into a mirror on Halloween night, the face of their future husband would appear in the mirror. However, if they were destined to die before they married, a skull would appear. The custom was widespread enough to be commemorated on greeting cards from the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries.

Sounds like fun! Go for it, girls!

Posted at 2:47 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

What's the best horror flick ever?

If you ask me, it's the Shining. What do you guys think? In case you are wondering what child star Danny Lloyd is up to these days, click here.

Posted at 9:53 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (11)

October 30, 2006

The 4th Annual Halloween Spooktacular

Well, gang, it's here again. Time for the 4th annual Halloween Spooktacular! All questions will have a Halloween theme, and Johnny will be giving away a lot of candy. Especially on Wednesday and Thursday, after the bottom has dropped out of the candy market. Ha ha, just kidding, Tuesday quizzo goers. Sort of. And Tuesday will be the first time that Halloween has actually fallen on a quizzo night, so anybody wears a Halloween outfit will earn a bonus point for their team (up to 5 points per team.) Each team can play only once this week.

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Around the Horn

-Wow, what a great weekend to be a football fan at Lincoln Financial Field, as Philly's favorite fooball team, the Temple Owls, pulled out a victory after 20 straight losses. The win over the same Bowling Green team that beat them 70-14 last year proved that they are no longer college football's doormat.

-There was also a pro game at the Linc yesterday, but the dangerously high dose of liquid Valium I took following the game has caused me to forget what happened.

-Camden is no longer America's most dangerous city! Hooray Camden! Why, I think I'm going to walk over to North Camden after the movie tonight to join in the celebration! Bonus Camden Fun Fact: There was a pro basketball team in Camden in the 1960s. They were called the Bullets. I'm not kidding.

-K-Fed's having to cancel his concerts. Apparently, nobody is buying tickets! I think people are just scared to "Play With Fire!" (notice the fire in his drink! So cool!)
RELATED: Johnny goes to Camden.

Posted at 11:27 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Name that Horror Film

Alright guys, I've posted the lines from famous horror films down below. Now you've got to tell me what films those lines are from. No cheating! One guess per person. Oh, and you've got about another hour to get in your horror haikus.

Posted at 10:37 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

October 27, 2006

Scrabble News

When I moved to Philly, I had no life, no money, and one friend. Fortunately, that one friend and I had something in common besides being broke: we both loved Scrabble. We played every night after work, memorized all the two letter words, and kept detailed records of every word played and what the weather was like when the game started. However, neither of us ever came anywhere near 890 points. In fact, I'm quite sure that if I played by myself, I couldn't score 890 points. In fact, the guy that won scored 365 points on a single word (Quixotry). That is completely ridiculous.

Posted at 2:46 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

I rest my case

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Today's page two artice in the Metro is Scary Versus Slutty: Women Divded Over What's Appropriate Dress for Halloween. Vote in the poll to the right.

Posted at 2:39 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

October 26, 2006

Is the Metro the best paper in Philly?

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Me and some friends have been talking about this a lot lately and I thought I'd throw it out there and see what you guys think. I kind of think that The Metro is the best paper in Philly. It's not where you go for hard hitting news coverage, but it does a much better job of supporting local talent than either the Inky or the Daily News, who are complety convinced that to be worthy of ink you have to be an anchor or reporter on a local news show or have appeared in a reality TV show. Like everybody is just dying to know whether or not Gervase is a good tipper. The Metro, meanwhile, is constantly interviewing local musicians, comedians, and artists, people who are doing exciting things that don't include appearing on a local network. The City Paper and the Weekly do a good job of this too, but The Metro just seems a little bit more earnest about it. And it's not as wallowed down in ads as much as those papers are. Anyways, lemme know what you think. I posted a poll to the right.
RELATED: Philebrity interview with Metro A & E editor Dorothy Robinson.

Posted at 1:25 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (11)

Follow up

Here's some follow up on Rush Limbaugh. You can see Limbaugh not only blasting Michael J. Fox, but acting out his Parkinson's symptoms. It is really amazing that any of you are even attempting to defend this piece of human waste. This attack comes a couple of weeks after he blamed 15 year old pages for the Mark Foley scandal. Come on, people! There's a point where this goes past politically incorrect and just goes to out and out evil. Oh, and the anti-stem cell ad will feature none other than Kurt Warner. Now, it is OK to make fun of him.

Posted at 11:16 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (7)

October 25, 2006

Murder Haiku Part Deux

Yes gang, I waited and waited for those mysterious two weeks to return to the site, but it apparently isn't going to happen. Therefore, we must move forward and submit those haikus again, or new haikus for the first time. This is only going until Sunday. I will then judge them and announce a winner on Monday. All haikus must be about murder. The winner gets two free tix to see Murderers, the ongoing production by the Philadelphia Theatre Company. 2nd place gets two tix to the Adventure Aquarium in Camden. Just post your haikus in the comments section below. You can post a maximum of three haikus total. After that I will no longer judge your haikus Also, please leave an email address so I can contact you if you win. If I can't contact you, you won't win. Now get to it!

Posted at 1:41 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (7)

20 questions

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Alright, there is really nothing going on in the news that's interesting or stupid, so I'm going to do something ridiculously self indulgent, even for me: I'm going to, for the first time ever, fill out one of those Myspace surveys. This one is about booze (I stole it from Smackdown). Here goes:
1. When was the last time you drank?
last night had a beer after work

2. Where did u drink at?
the Bards

3. Have you ever been kicked out of a bar?
yes, I was unjustifiably kicked out of McGillan's, and I'm still pissed about it

4. Have you ever had an interaction with police while under the influence?
got an underage ticket when I was 20

5. How many drinks does it take you to get drunk?
I dunno, maybe 5 or 6.

6. What is the last alcoholic drink you had?

7. Have you ever gone to school/work drunk?
Yeah, I stayed drunk when I worked at the City Tavern, as did the rest of the staff. It was the only way we cold keep from crying at the course our lives had taken.

8. Have you ever hooked up while you were drunk?

Better question...have I ever hooked up when I wasn't drunk?

9. Do you wish you were drinking right now?

10. What is the worst shot?
prairie fire (tequila and hot sauce, had it on my 21st birthday). Cement mixers are also terrible (and were also consumed on my 21st.)

11. What is your favorite drink?
Mai Tai

12. What is your favorite drinking game?

I don't even know what it's called, but that somebody says a famous person's name and then you have to say a famous person's name that starts with the first letter of the previous person's last name.

13. Have you ever had a drink named after you?

Not yet,but I think a Johnny Goodtimes would be a great name for a drink. Maybe a contest???

14. What is the earliest time that you've started drinking?
7 am Easter morning in college...it's a long, shady story

15. Ever done a keg stand?
Have I ever done a keg stand? I invented the keg stand.

16. What's your favorite karaoke song?

17. Do you have a favorite bar?
It depends on what I'm doing. If I'm on a date, Alma de Cuba has a great bar. If I'm hanging with friends I like the Bards. And for sports probably Barrister's or O'Neals. As far as a real Philly bar, I like the original Nick's Roast Beef in South Philly and Tony's Pizza (I don't go there nearly enough) in the Northeast.

18. Have you ever woken up in a strange place after a night of drinking?
Define strange

19. What types of alcohol have a bad effect on you?
tequila makes me cranky

20. What is your favorite hangover cure?

Posted at 10:37 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

October 23, 2006

Shakespeare game

A'ight, I'm posting pictures of winners. Finally. So I'm gonna post a Shakespeare line, and you post in the comments section which play it's from. One guess per person. No cheating!

Posted at 7:57 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (5)

Live from the Eastern Shore of Virginia!

Hey gang, I know I haven't posted the winners from last week yet. Well, I'm on a phone line here in the boondocks, so I'm gonna post winners when I get back to the big city this afternoon.

Ah, kickin' it at home. And you know what that means. No showering or changing clothes all weekend. This is the life! All of my friends now have babies. I honestly hung out with like 7 children 2 or younger this weekend. It was weird.

My brother in law has direct ticket, so I saw the latest disaster on the gridiron yesterday. I can't wait to hear the idiots on sports talk this week who think that Jeff Garcia should be our starting QB and that we need to fire Andy. Anyways, there's no Movie Monday tonight, but we'll be back in action manana.

Posted at 10:25 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

October 19, 2006

If Johnny Knoxville ever invented a product...

...it would probably be something like this. Of course, if you are going to test a protective cup, it's important that you recruit a hot blond from the local high school to load up the pitching machine. Thanks to Phil for sending this in. If you see some something crazy online, holla atcha boy.

Posted at 2:02 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

This baseball poll pisses me off

Now, I know that polls are totally worthless and stupid, but I still want to take a minute to be pissed off at this one. The number one problem people had with baseball was the player's salaries. What? I still have no idea why people hate to see athletes make what the market can bear. I really can't. It would be different if anybody could hit a 98 mph fastball and these guys got picked out of a hat. It's not. These are some of the most amazing human specimens on earth and thousands of people are happy to pay to watch them every night. Hey, if 35,000 people played quizzo every night, I'd expect to make $3 million a year too. Why doesn't anyone think the owners make too much? Apparently it's OK for old white guys to make a fortune off of baseball, but not OK for young people from a variety of backgrounds to make money off of it? I think that people are just jealous of young people with money, and they're easy to lash out against. It's just good old fashioned playa-hating, pure and simple.

Posted at 12:43 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (10)

Nerd alert, nerd alert!

-Apparently you, the premier nerds of Philadelphia, can have a say in what goes on in Allentown. That's right, you can vote for Allentown's new baseball team to be the named "The Vulcans".

Posted at 12:33 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

North Korea's creepy hotel

So I came across some info yesterday about the Ryugyong Hotel, which is located in North Korea and is one of the tallest buidngs in the world. Pretty impressive for North Korea, having one of the tallest buildings in the world, right? But here's the catch: no-one has ever spent a night there and no-one ever will. Construction began on the building in 1987 and ended in 1992 when funds dried up and a famine began. No windows were ever installed. So now there is just a giant shell of a building looming over Pyongyang's skyline, which has to be depressing, like when you have a dead plant in your room that you just never get around to throwing away b/c you don't want to admit to yourself that you killed a piece of nature.

Posted at 12:10 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

October 17, 2006

Break Up the Champs Week!

Yeah, things have gotten a little too predictable as of late, so drastic times call for drastic measures. Therefore, I will be breaking up the top four teams this week to make way for some new winners. The Kingdom, the Jams, the Minions, and MAGMA will all have their teams divided in half this week, with no division allowed to have more than 3 players. (Come on, you guys can handle it for a week.) It's the first ever quizzo handicap, and will make it all the more impressive if those teams still win.

Posted at 10:45 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (20)

Cruel World

Yeah, so the haikus have disappeared. Unbelievable, but true. The hosts of this site are the Arizona Cardinals of hosting, so failure seems to be a weekly inevitability. Hopefully they will be finding everything that disappeared at some point. Maybe on an island somewhere or something.

Was that game absolutely incredible last night? I mean, I still think our choke against the Giants was bigger, but last night was still amazing. And the Edge had 36 carries for 55 yards. I've never seen a stat line like that before. Bet he wishes he stayed in Indy. And I've never heard of a single player have 6 turnovers and his team still win. Honestly, the Bears best offense was the Cardinals offense.

Posted at 10:07 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (4)

October 16, 2006

Most Definitely Megan Wins RPS Crown

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64 competitors and dozens of their fans filled Whiskey Dix to participate in the 2nd annual PBR Keystone Classic on Saturday night, and they weren't disappointed. Well, they were a little disappointed at first, when Johnny screwed up his opening rap. "I think this is a sign that I'm too old for the rap game," said a distraught Goodtimes afterwards. "I'm hanging it up." It would be the 2nd retirement of the year for Goodtimes, who retired from American RPS play after winning the city title in June.

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But this event wasn't just about Goodtimes, despite what he would have you believe. It was about competition, about Philadelphia's fittest and finest competing for glory and cash. There were competitors from all over the globe. Those who had sacrificed the most to be there were the Jerseyites, who had given up a Saturday night in Old City for a chance at greatness.

The first two rounds moved quickly, and both Johnny's arch nemesis, the Midnight Rider, and Johnny's ex-girlfriend, Elvira, advanced easily (pictured below; they were both, fittingly, dressed in black). Some of the early favorites, Paper Tiger and Frankie Knuckles, were dispatched in the early rounds.
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In the Sweet 16, Johnny had to interview the contestants. The Midnight Rider let the crowd know that his hometown was "parts unknown", and that he was representing "both hell and death". Johnny's interview with Elvira went as follows:

JGT: What's your name?
Ex: Elvira.
JGT: Where ya from?
Ex: Philly.
JGT: So why'd you break up with me?

No answer was provided, but she had all the answers in her next match, winning easily. That set up a match between her and the Midnight Rider. It was a tense test of wits, going the full three games. But the Rider reached deep into his bag of tricks and pulled out a pair of scissors, thus dispatching Elvira, who better not have a new boyfriend or I will be totally pissed.
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The Rider's luck (oops, I mean strategy) ran out soon enough, however, when he faced a machine known as Nick the Greek, who knocked off the Rider in the Final Four. Meanwhile, the other side of the bracket was being dominated by Most Definitely Megan, who acquired her nickname by answering every question I asked with the same answer.

JGT: Megan, did you think you had a chance when you got here tonight to go this far?
Meg: Most definitely.
JGT: Do you think you have what it takes to go all the way here tonight?
Meg: Most definitely.

And so on. Well, she was most definitely kicking ass, as she cruised into the finals by beating Kross of Kris Kross. (Or maybe it was Kris.) In the finals, she took on Nick the Greek, who was booed mercilessly on stage. The Whiskey Dix faithful had apparently not forgiven the Greeks for that nasty little trick they pulled on the unsuspecting citizens of Troy. Well, Megan most definitely had the crowd in her corner, and she made short work of the Greek. Johnny then asked her what she planned to do with her winnings ($850). "I don't know. Maybe pay some bills." JGT remarked that that was the most boring answer he had ever heard, then asked, "Well, do you think that you'll be spending some of that money to party like a rock star tonight?"

She answered quickly, with the swagger of a champion. "Most definitely."

Posted at 1:22 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Lots of stuff to give away this week

Yo peeps, we're gonna give away a bunch of stuff this week. I've got tix to the current Philadelpia Theatre Company's production of Murderers to give away, as well as tickets to see the Romantics and other bands at the Rolling Rock and Roll Show at the Troc on Thursday.

Posted at 12:28 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

October 2, 2006

So Here's the deal

I'm gonna post the winners followed by a famous quote. You are going to write in the comments section who said it. No googling the quote! It's not like you win anything (other than glory), so cheating to find the answer would be really lame. One guess per person.

Posted at 10:25 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Team of Trekkies and Alf fans win at Penn Gig

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The only team that answered both the Star Trek and ALf questions correctly won at the private gig at Houston Hall on Penn campus on Wednesday. Here is the quote:
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

Posted at 9:54 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

September 29, 2006

Yeah, so...

...I'm heading to Jersey to be in a music video. Don't ask. I really don't know how this happened. But I'll be back Sunday to post results of this week. Remember, Monday night: Football quizzo at 7:30 p.m., followed by Monday Night Football, Eagles vs. Packers on the movie screen with concert sound AND the Wheel of Terrific at halftime. Boo-yaka-shot.

Posted at 5:42 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

September 28, 2006


The plan: Finish up my private gig last night, go watch the end of the Phillies game and grab a quick beer, then still be home early. I haven't paid my bills in months, and I've got a lot of work to get done on Thursday, so it's important that I get a good night's sleep!
The reality: Phils game goes an excrutiating 14 innings, lasting well past midnight. I have a few beers. Then things get ugly. The freaking rocket scientists I'm hanging out with decide that we should celebrate the Phils win by drinking mind erasers. Not one, but two. I never do shots. Why? So I never feel the way I do RIGHT F****** NOW! To make matters worse, I had a construction crew at my house at 9 a.m., so I've been lying in bed, listening to drills and hammers for the past 2+ hours. I am in a world of pain.

Posted at 11:26 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (9)

September 27, 2006

This is Pathetic

If TO had taken 35 pills, would doctors really let him practice football the next day? I mean, seriously. I don't know what happened last night, but I believe what Terrell says. Remember a couple of years ago when everyone was convinced that Mike Piazza was gay, so he had to answer questions about it? I think this is even more pathetic than that. Nice job, drive-by media. I forgot, what type of champagne was John Mark Karr drinking on the plane?

Yeah, there were two things that could have happened last night. Either he had an allergy or he tried to commit suicide. But "Suicide" makes for much sexier headlines, more page views, and higher ratings. So you go with the suicide story and don't lend any credence to the other very possible story. Another miserable perormance by our unaccountable news media who doesn't report news, but reports speculation.

Posted at 3:41 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (6)


OK, before you go apes*** because you think that TO tried to kill himself, keep in mind that there's a decent chance that he didn't. Remember that this is the same drive by media that gave us Richard Jewel and John Mark Karr, a media that has no interest in accountability, only in sexy,explosive headlines. Police reports are by no means the final say in what really happened, they are simply what's reported to the police. The woman reporting this might not have known how many pills were in the bottle before TO took them, and just said something in the heat of the moment. I wouldn't be at all surprised if this is a reaction to his pain pills. So wait until the facts are out before you freak out, because there's a lot more of what we don't know than what we do.
Related: Here's the police report.

Posted at 10:33 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (14)

September 25, 2006

This is the greatest thing I've seen since Average Homeboy

OK, first off, this is NOT SAFE FOR WORK! This guy never stops cussing. But you must watch it when you get home, because it is absolutely unbelievable.

Here's some more info on the good Reverend X.

Posted at 12:04 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

September 22, 2006

Um yeah

So I had a big day planned for today. Gym, pay bills, post winners from Quizzo on website. Big day, big day. Then Trivia Art was like, "Hey ya wanna go to Amada, they have a $12 lunch?" I was like, "Sure, $12 sounds great." Well, a couple of other friends joined us, and two pitchers of sangria and $150 later, it's 4:30 p.m., and I'm leaving for the ballgame in an hour and a half. There will be no bills paid, no gym, and no pics from quizzo. But if it's any consolation, I feel freaking great. Let's go Phils!

Posted at 4:32 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Around the horn

*We just saw that our good friend over at Blinq, Dan Rubin, thinks that Paris Hilton is a genius. In other news, we just lost all respect for one of our favorite bloggers.

*A couple of days ago, Philebrity broke the beatdown offered by Philly's finest in Old City. Am I the only one who hopes that police start beating down random clubgoers in Old City every weekend?

*Johnny ain't the only one reviewing local pizza.

*If you haven't already, read the lively debate about the casinos in the comments section under my Big Bopper interview.

*And finally, I got a text message on my cell phone last night, moments after asking Trivia Art for a favor. Apparently Trivia Art tried to send it to someone else, but accidentally sent it to me: "Just got a text from Goodtimes, 'Can you tivo Grey's Anatomy?' What a chick."

Posted at 10:46 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (8)

September 21, 2006

Weird, wild stuff

*It's a YouTube video about, uh, You Tube that I found on Liz Spikol's blog. It is eerily compelling. She also has a couple of videos on her blog where she describes getting shock therapy to relieve her depression.

*Today is the date, in 1827, that Moroni gave Joseph Smith those golden plates that he turned into the Book of Mormon. This led, indirectly, to Johnny Goodtimes partying with Salt Lake City hipsters in a kiddie pool in August of this year.

*And happy birthday, Nicole Richie and Dave Coulier!

Posted at 2:09 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

September 20, 2006

Larry Mendte talks about ghosts

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After receiving Larry's recent e-mail about his dad and the TV in the dark rumor, I responded to him thusly:
Your double life as underground lamp promoter has been exposed. You will have to answer the masses now, pal. hope you're ready for the inevitable backlash from people who hate lamps but who bought them anyway to protect their eyes at nighttime.

Larry fires back, after the jump.

Very funny Mr. -er- Goodtimes (is that Dutch?)

My Dad was a pretty amazing man. He wrote poems that were published in Liberty and Post. He wrote radio plays and several books. He also was an accomplished artist (I have several of his paintings in my home). He was President of the Catholic Historical Society and the campaign manager for Howard Stassen. He also has written two history books.

But it was his work as President of his own advertising and public relations firms that brought him the most notoriety. He not only came up with the lamp story, he also came up with the concept and original artwork for the Norelco Santa on the sled at Christmas time. And he was part of a team that came up with the Chiquita Banana
song which propogated the lie that you should never put bananas in the refrigerator (actually although the skin turns brown, they keep better). They were looking for a word that rhymed with equator.

But the biggest PR prank is the ghosts at the General Wayne Inn. He wrote the story that the ghost of a Hessian soldier was found in the basement as a way of getting some PR. The next thing you know, some ghost finders came out to the restaurant and reported finding 13 ghosts.

My father was then on an episode of "Unsolved Mysteries" talking about the ghosts. The story lives on to this day.

I am a touch disappointed that the ghosts at the General Wayne Inn are just a hoax. The GWI is right down the street from my ex-girlfriend's mom's house, and I often hoped that the ghosts would take a trip down the street and scare my ex while she was visiting her mom. Damnit!

Posted at 10:11 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

September 19, 2006

Quizzo for the Cause

Hey guys, it's been a while since we've done one of these, but I saw this article today and figured that this would be a good time to get involved in a growing problem in the city-homelessness. THerefore everybody who plays this week is asked to donate a dollar, (though you are welcome to offer more).

And I have found a really great charity to offer our money to. It's called the Philadelphia Committee to End Homelessness, and it is the only homelessness organization in Philadelphia that does not accept government funding. In speaking with the head of the organization, I was told that by not accepting government money, they can keep the program better suited to each individual rather get caught up in a giant bureaucracy. And this organization is not just concerned with giving away food. It is also concerned with helping to get people back on their feet. I hope to have an interview with the head of the organization tommorrow, so you can learn more about their work, but I think this is a great opportunity for us to give back to our community.

Posted at 3:24 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (6)

Get Bonus Points tonight!

That's right, peeps, it's International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Therefore, any team that has at least one member dress up like a pirate (Tonight only!) will get three bonus points to start the game! Every week, there are at least two games decided by three points or less, so I would highly advise you to do this. Here are some helpful pirate terms to get you thru the day.

Posted at 10:31 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

September 18, 2006

The Road Rap n' Rhyme Contest, OR, How Johnny's rap career came to a screeching halt

As you guys know, I did a road blog for Traffic.com back in July. What you don't know is that, shortly before leaving for my trip, I was asked to put together a rap about an upcoming contest they were having. Well, the contest just got underway, and there is my terrible, terrible, terrible rap on the main page. It is painful to watch, and the word coming from the streets is that my rap career from here on out should be about as succesful as Brian Austin Green's. Whatever, the point is that you people can win a free 7 day trip to the Dominican Republic by rapping or rhyming about traffic. Seriously. You people are so lucky I am ineligible, because otherwise I would make a most triumphant return to the rap game. The press release for the contest is after the jump.

The leading provider of free personalized traffic information coast to
coast is asking site users to share their best, worst, or most
interesting road trip experiences expressed in poetry or song. Anyone
in Traffic.com's 50 metropolitan areas across the U.S. can tell us what
they really think about the traffic they encounter every day or on
holiday road trips. Users can simply log-on to
http://roadrap.traffic.com to submit
their tales from the road. Submitters must enter their poems, songs or
stories as text, and can add pictures, audio, or even video.

All entries will be judged on the basis of originality, creativity, and
style. Traffic.com will select the top 15 semi-finalists and then it's
the driving public's turn! Traffic.com users will vote for their
favorite entries and select the Grand Prize winner and 1st, 2nd, and 3rd
place runners up who will each win an all-expense paid Apple Vacation to
Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.

The Grand Prize winner will receive an 8 day/7 night Apple Vacation and
stay at an all inclusive resort destination, Sunscape The Beach Punta
Cana, in the Dominican Republic. The 1st, 2nd, and 3rd runners up will
each receive a 4 day/3 night vacation. For official rules, submission
requirements and other guidelines, one can log onto
http://roadrap.traffic.com .

Posted at 12:07 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

Yes, I did stumble onto Larry Mendte's Dark Secret

A few days ago, I mentioned that a man with the name J. Robert Mendte from Philly had come up with the rumor that watching TV in the dark is bad for your eyes. Why would he propagate such a falsehood? Because he was a PR man for a lamp manufacturer. Well, the lies didn't stop with J. Robert. It seems that he had a son who wanted to further this myth by appearing on TV at night, and be talented enough that people would watch him, even if it meant buying a new lamp to prevent the room from getting dark at night and ruining their eyes! That son's name, of course, was Larry Mendte, who confirmed via email that J. Robert was his father. He ended his short email to me with this cryptic message: He also is responsible for the legend of the ghosts at the General Wayne Inn..... More on this as it develops.

Posted at 10:19 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (7)

September 15, 2006

Garrett got it

Garrett was the first person to correctly answer the trivia question (below). Nice work dude. I think I'll do this at random times each week, so stay tuned. I'll try to drum up some prizes next time.

Posted at 11:33 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

September 14, 2006

Quick trivia question

The days September 3rd-September 13th never happened in the United States in 1752. You'll find no records of marriages, births, or events. Why? (First one with correct answer gets their photo on the website.)

Posted at 2:20 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (8)

September 13, 2006

Better get your ice cream gloves ready

Hey, I got this press release that look like it was fun enough to pass along. Plus I know how you people like to eat. It's an ice cream eating contest, and the winner gets a trip to Tampa to see the Eagles take on the Buccaneers. More details after the jump.

Turkey Hill Dairy and 94.1 FREE FM (WYSP) are teaming up to create a series of ice cream eating contests to be held immediately prior to Philadelphia Eagles home games outside Lincoln Financial Field. I know, it's not a cheesesteak wit contest, but it's the next best thing. Two contests are already in the books and two more remain (Sunday9/17 and Monday 10/2). The winners of each of the four contests will receive an autographed jersey and football and will be one of four competitors to advance to the finals on Sunday, October 8.

Whoever wins on October 8 will receive a trip for two to Tampa, Florida to see the Eagles take on the Bucs on October 22. Not a bad prize for sucking down a half gallon of ice cream. By the way, the flavor is Eagles Touchdown Sundae and each contest is 3 minutes long.

To register to enter the qualifying matches on 9/17 and 10/2, visit http://941freefm.com/pages/71947.php. All participants (win or lose) will receive some autographed Brian Dawkins gear to go along with a serious case of brain freeze. 94.1 will also be giving away tickets to that day's game to one lucky contestant chosen at random.

Posted at 4:33 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Pluto Update

Yo, I'm off to espagnol. Be back this afternoon. Hopefully gonna have a new contest soon. I'll keep ya updated. In the meantime, let me know what you think about this. Pluto just got a new name: 134340. This is b******! Screw the International Astronomical Union! Liars! And you people wonder why I hate science.

P.S.: If you people had signed my petition, none of this would have happened.

Posted at 10:49 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

Tired of being the back up punter?

Then I suggest you stab the starter in the leg. It shows the coach how bad you want it.

Posted at 10:03 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (5)

September 12, 2006

Couple of things

First off, Nike is coming out with a new Pee Wee Herman shoe. I am not kidding. It is grey with a red lip, and has a picture of Pee Wee sitting in a movie theatre on the inside. Furthermore, this is apparently not a joke. Thanks to Dawn for letting me know about this. Next up, Philly got absolutely fileted by comedian Bill Burr on Saturday night. I mean, we're talking so unsafe for work that you will be immediately fired and have your house confiscated within 12 seconds of pushing play. I'm sending you to D-Mac's site to see it so that my mom can't say that I had this vitriolic diatribe on my own site. I mean, it is scathing! Apparently, comedy legend Dom Irrera got booed and left the stage early. Well, Bill Burr is a friend of Dom Irrera, and he ripped the crowd to pieces, calling the city racist, incredibly stupid and says that terrorists will never attack our city because it is so worthless. Well, those were the nicer things he said. For the nastier stuff, checkout the video. My favorite part? F***** Rocky is your f***** hero. The whole pride of your city is built around a guy who doesn't f***** exist. F***** Joe Frazier is from there, but he's black, so you can't f***** use him. So you make a statue for a f***** three foot tall Italian you stupid f***** cheese eatin' f***** jackasses.

Posted at 1:02 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (7)

Best Team Name Last Week...

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Unquestionably the best team name I got last week was "The number of men I've had sex with is..." (See, the joke is that I followed the team name with their score, meaning that by the end of the game I had had sex with like 70 men.) Let's see if anybody can top that this week.

(Btw, the pic above is of The Kid, my roommate on wedding weekend. He is not one of the 70 men I've had sex with, but he's a great spooner.)

Posted at 11:33 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Best wishes, Brian and Meghan!

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The wedding was a blast, and I hope you guys have fun in Aruba!

Posted at 10:45 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

September 8, 2006

Yo Peeps

A'ight, so I gotta hit the gym, then I got an apointment, then I head out to Jersey, where I'm going to try to find a girl with a sweat suit and enormous hair to be my wedding date. It wouldn't be my first Jersey girl. I dated one a couple of years ago. Favorite memory? Walking into a coffee shop, then hearing her bellow, "Yo, you'se guys is outta coffee ova heya!" to which I responed, "What are you, Rocky?" She also wore sweat suits. Seriously. It was awesome. Anyways, I am gonna try to post a bit of stuff this afternoon from my hotel. I'm hoping to have an interview with a member of the local roller derby league up this afternoon, so check back then. Their championship game is on Sunday, and should be worth checking out.

Posted at 9:55 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

September 7, 2006

Even Quizmasters Get the Blues

I am grumpy today. Super Grumpy. Grump up the Volume type grumpy. I want to do the Grumpty Grump type grumpy. To try to ward off the grumps, I headed to John's Roast Pork, where I went once before and had the sandwich the place is named after. Word on the street is they have a pretty damn good cheesteak, and this felt like a cheesesteak eatin' day. (The Mac Dad'll make you grump, grump. Just thought of that one. Sorry.) Well, I got one and it was, well, OK. The bread was great, the thing was gooey, but I dunno. Maybe my heart wasn't in it, maybe trying to locate my oomph in a cheesesteak was a bit too tall of an order. But I just felt like it didn't have that extra intangible that I find at Jim's. (Forrest Grump.) Don't get me wrong, I'll be back at John's in the near future. But I'll be returning to the roast pork, which is easily of the best sandwiches I've ever had in the city.
Related: Pic courtesy of hollyeats, a great food website that loves this place.

Posted at 3:37 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (5)

Nice Day For a White Wedding

Heading to the Jersey Shore this weekend for the wedding of Brian and Meghan. You may remember them. They were the couple that got engaged at quizzo last year, in one of the more creative proposals I've ever seen. Of course, I've only seen two proposals. One was when I was at a 30th birthday dinner at Astral Plane with the girl I was dating at the time. The guy next to me dropped to a knee and proposed to his girl. (They were European. The girl was smoking hot, and the guy looked like a dweeb. What's the deal with hot European girls liking dweebs? They always do.) She started crying and everything, and me and my date, who were destined to break up like a week later, just sat there and felt weird. Ah, good times. Good times.

Posted at 3:14 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (5)

September 6, 2006

Are Ballet Dancers Better Athletes than Football Players?

So I was flexing my masculinity in the comments section, blasting EE for suggesting that ballet dancers are great athletes. Then I came across this report. Oh. Uh, there are some, uh, glaring inconsistencies in that report. Whatever. Ballet would be a lot cooler if they had 260 pound linebackers hitting them from the blind side. Then I would totally watch.

Posted at 5:05 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (13)

Tiger Woods, Greatest athlete ever?

A recent article written by Gene Wojciechowski proclaimed Tiger Woods as the greatest athlete ever, and caused a heated debate between two good friends of mine and I at the Bards last night. Because while I wold consider Woods one of the greatest competitors of all time, to call him the greatest athlete of all time is fallacy. There is simply no way a golfer is an athlete. The one guy claimed that a golfer can be an athlete, since he uses bodily exertion to compete, and that the only difference between him and a basketball player is that a basketball player burns more calories. The other guy, who was on my side in this argument, said, "Does Minnesota Fats count as one of the greatest athletes of all time? I mean, he used his body to compete, and he crushed the competition." Of course he's not, and neither is Tiger Woods My friend who was supporting the Tiger Woods argument, then said, "What defines an athlete?" That's a tough question. The best I could do was, "Someone who goes faster, stronger, and higher, or at least two of the three." So what do you guys think? What is an athlete, and can a golfer be one? Also, be sure to vote in the new poll on the right. (I hate to say it, but I think Jordan is the greatest athlete of all time.)

Posted at 10:18 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (24)

September 5, 2006

Eulogy for the Croc Hunter

Apparently everybody is having a pretty good time at the expense of the Crocodile Hunter. According to D-Mac, his name made for good fodder at New Deck Quizzo last night. (New Deck: The only acceptable quizzo). And I got an an email from Obit master Andy Nolan with the following headline: Great Barrier Grief! The email continued thusly: Australian naturalist Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray barb through the heart while filming a new documentary on Monday. The documentary is tentatively titled "The Barb Thruheart Show". Irwin is to be buried in a croc pot... six feet down under. Brilliant.

Not to be a party pooper but I think, amist the laughter, we should also honor the Croc Hunter. (Oh no, am I turning into a voice of compassion and reason? Nooooooo.) I loved a quote I heard yesterday: "He made people love the ugly animals too." I got a little choked up at that. I'm a sucker for animals, even ugly ones (you should see my sister's dog), and I appreciated what a conservationist and showman Steve Irwin was. So here's to you, Steve, and to a life that appeared to be full of adventure, compassion, and enthusiasm. May we all be so lucky.
Related: Obit Master Andy Nolan.

Posted at 4:07 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (4)

Chimpan-A to Chimpan-Z wins Simpsons Quizzo

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It was a cold and dark night outside, but inside the Fels Planetarium at the Franklin Institute the stars were shining bright and the Simpsons fanatics were ready to test their skills. Johnny stayed true to his word, and threw off some people with a round about famous people named Homer, Lisa, Bart, Marge, and Maggie. But his favorite round was definitely his second one. In honor of one of my (yeah, I'm back to the first person) favorite funnymen of all time, Phil Hartman, the 50-50 round was Ed Wood movie or Troy McClure movie. Answers are after the jump.

1. The Erotic Advenutes of Hercules
2. One Million ACDC
3. The Night the Banshee Died
4. Glen or Glenda
5. Plan 9 From Outer SPace
6. Hitler Doesn't Live Here Anymore
7. The Verdict Was Mail Fraud
8. The Revenge of Abe Lincoln
9. Necromania: A Tale of Weird Love
10. David Versus Super Goliath

1. McCLure
2. Ed Wood
3. Ed Wood
4. Ed Wood
5. Ed Wood
6. McCLure
7. McClure
8. McCLure
9. Ed Wood
10. McClure

For more Troy McClure films and instructional videos, click here.

Posted at 1:25 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (6)

Johnny's mom drops explosive new conspiracy theory about Pluto

So I'm talking to my mom last night, and she says, "I signed your Pluto thing," which was sweet, because she was one of like three people who signed it (other than the boob who wrote "Gregory Goodtimes, Norbert Nicetimes, Albert Awesometimes, etc."). Then she said, "This is so stupid. You know what this is? This is just a ploy to sell more science textbooks." But of course! It makes perfect sense. If they take Pluto out of the solar system, every single science textbook in America will need to be replaced, at a cost of billions of dollars (total, not each). And how many dollars does Pluto pump into our economy? Zero. So there you have it. Mrs. Goodtimes has exposed the dark underbelly of this Machivallian plot*!

*I have no idea what that means, but it sounds really kool.

Posted at 10:43 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (12)

August 31, 2006

Not Getting Much Done

Yeah, sorry peeps. I've been a slacker today. Somebody sent me an email telling me that I was being passive aggressive about something and then I called a smart friend of mine to find out what it meant and they told me that yeah, I am kind of passive aggressive, so then I was kind of pissed about these lies, but I didn't want to let on, so I just kind of dropped a few hints about how I felt about being called passive aggressive but didn't really confront it, because hey, it's all a bunch of lies anyway, right? And the next thing you know, it's time to work on my questions for tonight. So there you have it. And as far as my Pluto petition goes, it's fine. I didn't want you guys to sign it, anyway. So, it's kool. You guys didn't hurt my feelings by ignoring my heartfelt plea for help. So don't worry about it. Because it's no big deal.

Posted at 3:13 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

Buy This Album

If you are my age, you remember when it seemed like every hip hop album was an explosion of black intelligence and creativity, from the works of Public Enemy to De La Soul to Rakim. But the music has done a 180, going out of its way to ignore its roots. It seems that most current mainstream hip hop artists (with some notable exceptions, such as Nas and Jay Z) are modern day minstrels, acting out old black stereotypes for the amusement of what have become primarily white consumers. It is pathetic, and a part of me wishes hip hop had died in the late 80s like everybody thought it would. But this Roots album is a breath of fresh air, going against the grain, discussing the reality of inner city violence without glorifying it, intelligently rapping about politics, and reminding us that there are words that rhyme other than "crunk" and "drunk". The lyrics are awe-inspiring and personal, and the production is fantastic. Having been a hip hop fan for over 20 years, but having been completely turned off in the past few years, I want to thank the Roots for reminding me why I loved this type of music in the first place.

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August 30, 2006

Simpson's Quizzo on Friday

I will be hosting a Simpson's quizzo at the Franklin Institute on friday night. There is a presentation by John Dilworth, creator of Courage the Cowardly Dog. That is from 8-10 and costs $8. Quizzo starts at 10 in the planetarium and is free. While the questions will be Simpson based, there will be a few wrinkles thrown in to keep Simpsons freaks honest. And yes, they will be serving booze.

Posted at 11:07 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (4)

Newsflash! Somebody else signed the Petition!

In a a startling announcement made earlier today, it was discovered that another human being besides Johnny Goodtimes had signed the "Preserve Pluto's Planethood" petition! "Wow, this thing is really starting to take off," saidan exasperated Goodtimes. "With this 'can-do' spirit, I think we should have Pluto relisted as a planet in no time." Critics, who had charged that this was, without question, "the least succesful petition in the history of mankind", are currently eating their words.

Posted at 11:01 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

August 29, 2006


Yeah, we had a bit of a server meltdown today, but it looks like the battlestation has been repaired and we back in business. Yee-haw. To be honest, I've just been sitting here all day, trying to deal with my laryngitis! Seriously. I would anticipate a lot of audio and pictures tonight, if I were you.

Posted at 4:51 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

August 28, 2006

Question of the Week

What astronomer is credited with discovering Pluto in 1930?

Posted at 9:10 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Let's Put Pluto Back Where It Belongs!

As you might imagine, I am simply outraged by Pluto getting the shaft by so-called scientists. Well, I am not going to take this egregious act lying down, or even laying down. Whatever. I started a petition that we hope to send to the evil liars who perpetrated this fraud! I need your help to make Pluto a planet again! Also, check out the new poll on the right side of the page.

Posted at 12:10 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

August 27, 2006

Today is my birthday, and my father says I can have anything I want

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, today is Pee Wee Herman's birthday. Happy birthday, PW!!!
Related: PW discusses his shady past with none other than Stone Phillips.

Posted at 4:02 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

August 25, 2006

JGT To Host Simpsons Quizzo at the Franklin!

I will be helping to close out the animation festival at the Franklin Insitute with a Simpsons quizzo next friday night! I will have plenty more details at the start of next week.

Posted at 1:22 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

August 24, 2006

JGT makes passionate plea to the 10! show

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Now, as most of you know, the day I co-hosted the 10! show was one of the most memorable in the history of network television. Not because of anything I did, but because of what Bill Henley told Miss America. Well, those heady days of sly sexy innuendo are long gone, replaced by pizza giveaways that are remarkable only because of how awkward they are. In a desperate attempt to save the 10! show from getting away from what made it so freaking wonderful in the first place, I sent the following e-mail this morning. I'll let you know if I hear anything back.
I saw your Papa John's pizza giveaway today, and let's face it, it was one of the longest minutes in the history of television. Therefore, local comedian Chip Chantry and I, co-hosts of the "Wheel of Terrific" game show
on Monday nights at the Trocadero, have decided that we will graciously deliver the next pizza and deliver it with so much freaking excitement it will make your head spin. I look forward to hearing from you concerning this vital matter.

Posted at 12:10 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

August 23, 2006


A'ight peeps, it's off to Spanish class. I'll holla atcha in the afternoon. In the meantime...it was at this time last year that I first heard from Killdozer, Jr. If you haven't read my correspondance with him, I highly recommend it.

Posted at 10:14 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

August 22, 2006

Mona Lisa Stolen!

OK, so it happened 95 years ago, but it's still a pretty kool story. Though the painting was stolen on August 20th, nobody realized it was stolen until the 22nd. (This is the French we're talking about here, people.)

Posted at 10:22 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

August 21, 2006

High Fidelity on Movie Monday!

There will be lots of excitement at the Trocadero, as I will be hosting Movie Monday, with the highly regarded High Fidelity playing. I will be hosting the premiere edition of Wheel of Terrific at 7:30 p.m., your chance to win a variety of prizes for knowing movie trivia, performing charades, or just plain being lucky. It's going to be completely ludicrous, and quite possibly disastrous. There's only one way to find out. Be at the Trocadero at 7:30 p.m. tonight.

Posted at 12:26 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Question of the Week

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Today is Kenny Roger's birthday. His Greatest Hits album was the first record I ever owned (Yes, I was a little redneck, and yes, I'm old enough to have had a record player as a child). Anyways, that inspires our question of the week: What band wrote the song Islands in the Stream, which was made famous by Kenny and Dolly?

Posted at 12:09 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

Johnny Changes MInd, No Longer think's Karr Did It

After mulling over the details of the case for just under a minute, Johnny Goodtimes changed his mind a few moments ago and decided that JM Karr is innocent. "Yeah, he just wants attention. It wasn't him. I, possessing an uncanny foresight, can see through his little game. He wants us to think he did it, but I happen to know the human mind a little better than you people, so I know what he's up to."

Posted at 11:45 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

August 18, 2006


I've got an appointment, but I'll be back to post photos this afternoon. In the meantime, check out today's Metro. My man Chip Chantry got interviewed. He'll be appearing with me this Monday at Movie Monday at the Troc, as we act out scenes in some of the greatest movies ever and you have to guess which movies they are. More details forthcoming.

Posted at 10:14 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

August 17, 2006

This week's questions

I'll have results from this week's quizzo manana, 'cause it's too nice to not go to the ballgame today (did you think the life of leisure thing was a joke?) But here's the article that kind of inspired the literature round. Fun article about the original titles of books. It's where I found out that F. Scott wanted the Great Gatsby to be called Trimalchio in West Egg. Meanwhile, there was a lot of fuss about Indianapolis in terms of Daylights Savings Time. Here's the thing: After years of not having DST, Indiana just passed a law this year that makes them have it. A few counties are still central standard, but Indianapolis is not one of them. A lot of you missed the Average Homeboy, which means that, apparently, nobody reads this website, since I talk about him all the time. Here is the interview I did with him. You must watch the average homeboy video if you haven't already. And of course there will be all new questions tonight.

Posted at 10:31 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (6)

August 16, 2006

Happy Birthday Bukowski!

One of my favorite poets would be turning 86 today. He's one of those guys people tend to either love or hate. But at the very least, I suggest you drink a cheap beer and read a little bit of his stuff today.
RELATED: Bukowski's b-day last year.

“Show me a man who lives alone and has a perpetually clean kitchen, and 8 times out of 9 I'll show you a man with detestable spiritual qualities.” -C. Bukowski

Posted at 4:02 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

You ever wonder...

...If the Amish want a little bit of claipping (number 2 definition) revenge? Well, tonight would be a great opportunity for them to throw rocks at someone
RELATED: Claipping at Quizzo.

Posted at 3:50 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Idiots and Hot Beer Drinking Babes (The Two Are Mutually Exclusive)

It's Wednesday, and you know what that means. Yep, I've got Spanish class with my ridiculously hot and tragically married Spanish teacher. So I'll have to holla back in the afternoon. But here's a couple of things to tide you over. Dan over at Blinq discovers a poll that reveals that the people of this region are a bunch of idiots. I think these people just polled hipsters and Jerseyites to get these results. And the lovely Ginger, aka beer lass Suzanne, is featured in this week's Philadelphia Weekly, which discusses her beer club for women. I'm totally gonna crash one of their parties. Hot girls who join a club to drink beer? I checked out the myspace page, and I think I'm in love with about nine of them.

Posted at 10:24 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

August 14, 2006

Question of the Week

What film was Paul Reubens watching when he was busted for inappropriate behavior in 1991?

Posted at 3:33 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (6)

JGT: Rumors are untrue!

Johnny Goodtimes was outraged when it was suggested that he would be dressing up for tonight's Pee Wee Herman party at the Trocadero (1003 Arch). "That is absolutely and unequivically (word?) false," said the steaming mad game show host. "I don't know where this rumor got started, but if I find out, they can expect to see me in a court of law." Goodtimes added that he will probably be dressed very conservatively, and that he may pop his collar, "Because it's really kool."
PRIZES: I've got Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Tix to Give Away and plus free beer!
ALSO: Pee Wee impersonation contest!

Posted at 3:01 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Paging Mr. Herman, Mr. Herman, You Have a Call At the Front Desk

That's right people, there is a meeting of the Private Club of the Satan's Helpers at the Trocadero Theatre tonight at 7:30 p.m. Pee Wee Trivia will take place before the film at 7:30, so be there for your chance to win some fabulous prizes and possibly even some free beer! The film will begin at 8:00 p.m. Remember, this is the greatet film ever produced, so if you can't handle that, maybe you should stay home and talk about your feelings. This is gonna be fun, so I hope you guys can make it!
RELATED: JGT to host Pee Wee party for the ages!

Posted at 11:46 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

August 13, 2006

When Will Philly Fans Turn on Howard and Utley?

It seems improbable now, with the love affair this city is currently enjoying with the two players. But history doesn't lie, and this city almost always turns it's back on it's best players. In baseball, who are the three best position players in this city in the past 25 years? They are Mike Schmidt, Scott Rolen, and Bobby Abreu. Mike Schmidt was despised by Philly sports fans, and Rolen and Abreu were both booed out of town. Philly fans bought the "clubhouse cancer" line about Rolen hook , line, and sinker. But when was the last time you heard him disrupting the Cardinals clubhouse? Abreu was this year's problem. A guy who gets on base roughly once every two times he comes to the plate is always a major problem. And look elsewhere. Donovan McNabb almost single handedly turned the Eagles from a doormat to a perennial powerhouse, and yet Philly sports fans chant the name of the backup as soon as he throws two straight incompletions. AI is one of the three best players in Sixers history, and Philly fans desperately want him gone. And so, the sad fact is that Ryan Howard and Chase Utley will one day hit a cold streak, and the fans of this city will immediately turn on them. Sorry to be a cynic, but history states the case: this isn't a matter of if, but when.

Posted at 6:57 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (12)

August 11, 2006

JGT Featured In Sports Illustrated

Yeah, so I was, uh, featured on Sports Illustrated's website today. OK, so not exactly featured, but I was heavily involved in a piece about Donovan McNabb. OK, so I wasn't heavily involved, but my name was mentioned. Briefly. Whatever. The point is that this is Sports Freaking Illustrated, which gave us Muhammed Ali and Michael Jordan and Wayne Gretzky and now I have been added to that holy sports pantheon. I think this should definitely help my chances of making the Sixers team this year (Did I mention that I'm trying out for the Sixers?). I haven't heard from writer Michael Silver yet, but odds are that this is only Part One of an in-depth look at my athletic accomplishments, which include Second Team All-District Basketball in high school and a Little League Baseball Championship while playing on the 1987 Rotary. I also started the first ever male cheerleading squad at my high school, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure I'm not gay. And, of course, Silver will probably want to end what I'm guessing is going to be a six part series with a write up about my domination of Iverson in high school.
Related: The full interview with Bernard Hopkins that gets quoted on SI.com.

Posted at 12:31 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (5)

August 10, 2006

You're traveling through another dimension...

So last night I meet up with Trivia Art at Barrister's after quizzo, where they're having karaoke. Now, my first ever date with my ex-girlfriend (not this ex-girlfriend, a more recent one) was to karaoke, though it was at McGillan's. So I'm eating my tacos (Barrister's has good tacos), and these two girls sit beside me. They're pretty cute, and I start talking to the one next to me. We chat for a while, and then I get around to getting her name. She has the same name as my ex-girlfriend (let's use the name "Elvira", to protect the innocent). OK, no big deal, my ex had a pretty common name (Elvira's pretty common). I ask Elvira about her friend. Yeah, they were roommates this past year. Her friend's name? The same name as my ex's roommate this past year. Alright, this is starting to get creepy. I change the subject. Elvira's going to school, and has a double major in criminal justice and art. "Yeah, I'm going to be a social worker when I graduate." I don't think I need to tell you what my ex does for a living. I immediately paid my check and took off running, nearly crashing into Rod Serling on my way out the door.
Disclaimer: No, I am not referring to my ex as a mistress of the dark. I just think Elvira is a funny name. The only mistresses of the dark I have a past with live in Detroit.

Posted at 10:16 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

Congratulations Trivia Art

Trivia Art's website, Foobooz, got named the best food website in Philadelphia by the good people at City Paper!

Posted at 9:40 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

August 9, 2006

Spanish class

Yeah, I'm sure after a month and a half off, I'm going to look brilliant in my Spanish class today. Anyways, I might be back this afternoon (I gotta hit the gym first, though. 3 weeks of Road food took it's toll). Last night was highly controversial, and I'll write mroe about it soon. In the meatime, I invite you to get in on the debate about whether or not Bush was lieing about WMDs (comments section under question of week). One of my favorite things about this website is that it's readers seem to cover all sides of the political spectrum, even though I'm currently taking it from the right in the comments. i thought I'd get some backup from Palestra Jon, but he just corrected my spelling. Holla!

Posted at 10:55 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (20)

Congrats Jessica and Marco!

08-11-06 002 (Custom).jpgJessica and Marco got married yesterday, then played quizzo last night! OK, it's not as crazy as it sounds. They have a destination wedding in two weeks, so they were kind of taking it easy on City Hall day. Of course, this isn't the first time JGT quizzo has had something to do with a wedding.

Posted at 10:46 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

August 8, 2006

JGT to host Movie Mondays at the basement in the Alamo!!!

Actually, we've just received word that there is no basement in the Alamo, so we're going to have Movie Mondays at the Trocadero instead (1003 Arch Street). I told the good people at the Trocadero that I would agree to do such a thing under one condition: that we start with the greatest film ever produced, Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure. They acquiesced, giving me the opportunity to use the word "acquiesce", which makes me seem like a nerd. I know you are, but what am I? I know you are, but what am I? I know you are, but what am I? Infinity! There will be a lot more details about this new venture forthcoming in the next few days, so be sure to check back, and I hope to see you guys next Monday!
Related: Movie Monday. It's like a giant cable knit sweater that someone keeps knitting, a-and knitting, a-and knitting, A-AND KNITTING!

Posted at 12:06 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (10)

Question of the Week

With the enormity of the lies we've been swallowing for the past six years, Watergate seems like a bad middle school prank, but at the time it was taken very seriously, and Tricky Dick had to step down on August 9, 1974. One of the principles in the Watergate break-in later landed roles on Miami Vice, MacGyver, and AirWolf. Who is it?

Posted at 11:34 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (21)

JGT: Live from the Poconos!

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I returned to the Poconos last night for the first time in over a year. The last time I went, I was young, in love, and completely carefree. Times have changed. I am now old, alone, and very, very bitter. But I was still able to host quizzo last night for Penn Med Students on a Poconos retreat. It was actually a blast. As you might imagine, the Penn med students were completely out of control, and I had to ask the questions from behind chicken wire. I'm kidding! They were actually really nice, and made being alone and bitter in the Poconos not such a bad thing. The winning team was Gary and the SLPers (above) who defeated Bring It! 104-99.

Posted at 9:58 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

Best of Philly apology

Larry Platt offered an apology to everyone at the Best of Philly party, b/cthe parking fiasco. We were lucky enough to come from the other direction, so we weren't stuck in an enormous line, but as I reported earlier, we had to wait over an hour before we found our keys.

In fact, I was humble last week. I actually helped keep the parking situation from becoming a disaster. People were scrambling around on the ground, looking for keys, and things were getting ugly. So I ran inside, grabbed a pen and paper, and started asking people in line what their key number was. I wrote down all the key numbers, went up to the board, and handed it to a girl who worked for the valet service. She found the keys I had written down instead of trying to listen to 100 people shout out their numbers simultaneously, and the line dissipated in just a few minutes. I was a g** d***** hero that night. True story. If Larry Platt decides to write a letter of thanks to yours truly, it will be accepted graciously.

Posted at 9:40 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

August 7, 2006

Odds and Ends

OK, so I got most of the photos up from last week, though I'm still wating on a couple from Jam Master Sean. Got this link from a member of the Jams. It's Ken Jenning' blog, and he actually comes off as...a pretty kool guy. Also, I'm finally gonna switch the poll to one about McNabb, but I was a little surprised at the results. After 300 votes were counted, Darth Ern has been proclaimed the most hated man in quizzo, with 36.8% of the vote. MAGMA was 2nd, with 29.5%, and the Sofa Kingdom was 3rd, with 20.7%. I really thought the Kingdom was more hated than MAGMA, but they don't talk as much smack on the website, so I think that's why more peope hate MAGMA. But congratulations, though, to the Darthmeister. If not for John Street and Phillies ownership, he'd probably be the most hated man in Philly!

Posted at 12:01 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

August 6, 2006

Pics from a while back

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These photos are from the last week in July. No surprises here. The Jams (repped by Barb, above) won at the 'Vous. The Satan's Minions won at the Sheep, edging The Axis of Evil Knieval, 102-101.
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Finally, Two men from MAGMA (the 2nd most hated man/team in quizzo, after Darth Ern) were able to pull off a victory at the Good Dog, defeating Love Jerome, 87-84.
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Posted at 11:55 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

The Real Deal

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Yeah, so I got a rash in Reno, then went to a doctor in San Fran who misdiagnosed it as scabies, which is the grossest word ever. It's sounds like you have rabies and scabs at the same time. Anyways, went to a dermatologist in Narberth who was really good and it turns out I have an allergy. The best part? He put me on steroids, so expect me to be totally buff in time for next week's quizzo. Ladies: "You mean, even buffer than you are now, Johnny?" Yes, ladies, even buffer.

Due to this rash, I pulled a Brian Wilson on Friday, staying in my room and feeling sorry for myself, but made it out yesterday with Trivia Art and the lovely Ginger on a "Philly Firsts" tour. Went to Tony's Pizza (still the best in the city), then did the following things for the first time: The Grey Lodge (pretty cool bar), the original Chickie and Pete's in the Northeast (even lamer than the other ones. I mean, at least the one South Philly has sketchy South Philly girls), then had drinks on the Moshulu Bongo Deck. It was great. A little pricey, but I definitely recommend it on a breezy day. Then had dinner at Dmitri's for the first time ever. It was really good, but it didn't blow my mind like I thought it would. A solid meal, but I wouldn't put it in my top 5 restauratns in the city by any stretch.

I think what I'm getting at here is that I'm gonna get to work on putting at least some of your photos up today. Oh, and my rash is doing much better now. Thanks for asking.

Posted at 10:16 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

August 4, 2006


Hey peeps, got a last meeting with Traffic.com people this morning, then have a doctor's appointment. So I'll get some pics up later in the day. In the meantime, read the highlights of my cross country trip, all tied up in a tidy little bow.

Posted at 1:55 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

August 3, 2006

I'm Back, B****!

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I rolled into the illaldelph yesterday at about 3:30 p.m., then went to Delassandro's for my first Philly meal, a cheesesteak. Not as good as Jim's but still damn good. Then I headed to the Philadelphia Best Of... party last night. It was ok. They had a great band, the Blue Method, and some decent finger food. The scene was a little too sceney for me, but there was a lot of eye candy and I got to meet the Hurricane (Glen, not Ruben). Disaster didn't strike until the end, when the valet service totally screwed everyting up. My date and I waited over an hour while they tried to find her car keys. There was an enormous line of people waiting, but the valets put the keys in the wrong order, and nobody could find anything. It wouldn't have been so bad if the weather outside wasn't 95 degrees, so everybody was covered in sweat. I will have to hand it to the valet service though. Although they totally screwed everything up, they did try to handle it with humor and didn't let the thing explode, like it could have. Still, pretty inexcusable. I doubt they're gonna be named Best Of Philly anytime soon. That's like me forgetting to bring questions to Quizzo Bowl. Anyways, I'm more excited about tonight than I was about last night. Gonna be nice to rock the mic again.

Posted at 9:29 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (10)

August 1, 2006

Don't Call It a Comeback

JGT is returning to the east coast on Wednesday after his three week cross country drive. On Wednesday night, he'll be attending a "Welcome Back" party hosted by Philadelphia Magazine (some people who are "out of the loop" are calling it a "Best of Philly" party), then will be returning to action Thursday night at the Good Dog. Today, I'm just gonna hang in San Fran. Man, the weather here is incredible. Mid 60s every day. I'm sure you suffering souls wanted to hear that.

Posted at 10:01 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (4)

July 31, 2006

Question of the Week

I am unabashadly and unethically stealing my question of the week from Dan over at Blinq. On July 1, 1981, MTV played it's first ever video, which was "Video Killed the Radio Star" by the Buggles. What was the second song they played?

Posted at 8:25 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

July 29, 2006

Hapy Birthday Trivia Art!

Hey gang, Trivia Art (right) Philly's only true food and booze connoiseur (as well as part time quizzo host) turns, well, a year older today. Wish him a happy birthday on MySpace!

Posted at 6:18 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

July 28, 2006

Hey, Whattya say we all switch back over to Friendster?

Dude, what the hell happened to MySpace? For like the last two weeks it has either filling computers with bugs or simply not working. My man Tom better get his act together, or things could turn ugly. I mean, usually, I wouldn't really care. But keep in mind, MySpace is my only weapon in the war for Texas girl's heart. I need you right freaking now, MySpace. Get it together!

Alright, I've got some good stuff to post after I get back and have a free freaking minute.

Posted at 7:00 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Johnny Named Best Of Philly

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Philadelphia Magazine has always been one of my favorite magazines. There were rumors that I behaved like a petulant child when I was snubbed last year, but those rumors simply aren't true. I want to thank Philadelphia Magazine for putting me in their best of edition, so that I can email the waitress I fell head over heels for in Texas (second from right) that I'm a winner-and I finally have proof.
Related: Best angry letters to the editor after last years snub.

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July 27, 2006

Where Does The Ego From Here?

Johnny Goodtimes is named Best Quizzo Host in Philadelphia Magazine.

We expect to hear from Johnny Goodtimes himself, later this afternoon.

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July 25, 2006

Question of the week

What Academy Award nominated actor has a hitman father who claims to have been part of the John F. Kennedy assassination?

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July 24, 2006

Where were you?

Just got out of the 6th Floor Museum at the Texas Schoolbook Depository, which I then followed with a conspiracy tour that I paid a guy named Sherman way too much for. But I got a great interview out of it, which I'll have up on the traffic.com blog manana. In the meantime, I know that a lot of you, like me, weren't alive when JFK was assassinated. For those of you who were, I'd be interested to know where you were, how you heard, and what you remember. Please feel free to leave your remembrances in the comments section below.

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That famous Texas hospitality...

..all seems like a Texas sized load of crap so far. People here are just plain weird. Details forthcoming.

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July 22, 2006

Happy Birthday, O Great One!

The Sensei turns 66 today. Here's a website dedicated to the evolution of his hair.

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July 21, 2006

Some pics of this weeks winners

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A week after his camera melted down, Jam Master Sean was able to get me some photos of this weeks winners. Above is Barb from This Week We're Blogging for Dive Bars.com (who I have a sneaking suspicion used some players from the Jams to win.) They won at the 'Vous. Below we have Duane's World, which won again at the Black Sheep. Both teams won last week as well. By the way, scores seem kind of low since I left. Have the questions been too hard?
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July 20, 2006

New Questions Tonight

A lot of people asked this week if there would be new questions tonight, and I'm happy to say, oh yeah!
So come out and join Trivia Art at Good Dog or Jam Master Sean at the Bards and enjoy some fresh trivia!

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Detroit hookers

Two girls came and sat down beside us at a bar in Detroit called Fishbone. One of them was kind of cute, and we chatted for a while. Well, my naivete was in full effect, as I just assumed that they thought I was cute. Lyle kind of sat on the other side of me and didn't really say much. Then, after one of them checked my license to see if my name was really Johnny Goodtimes, they asked if I would buy them a shot. I said, "Sure." So we did a shot, then Lyle whispered in my ear. "I'm getting a strong feeling we're dealing with workin' girls here." All of a sudden, it clicked into place, like in the 6th Sense. They were wearing tightly fitting clothing, had been talking a little brusquely (I just figured that that's how women talked in Detroit), had been asking me what I did for a living and how much money I made. After the shot, they quickly departed, and actually left us with the bill for their other drinks as well. I told the bartender that I wouldn't pay for their drinks, but I know how bad it sucks to have someone run on a check, so I left her a huge tip to help cover for those females de la noche.

But a number of questions remain unanswered. For one thing, why did they bail without trying to out and out proposition us? When they found out that I was a quizmaster, were they that turned off? Of course, more sinisterly, did she take note of my SS# and do something shady? She seemed too stupid to memorize numbers, but it seems strange to chat up some guys for a half hour just to get a free shot off of them. I've signed up for a credit check, so I can keep an eye on it, but I am a little nervous. Let this be a lesson to you: No matter what the circumstances are, never, ever, go to Detroit.

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July 19, 2006

Who is the sexiest singer in the world (male or female)?

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As usual, things are totally hectic, so I'm gonna need you guys to help run the website today. Just want you to let me know who you think is the sexiest singer around today (male or female). Off the top of my head, I'm going with Shakira.

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July 18, 2006

Question of the Week

On July 18th, 1938 Douglas Corrigan flew a plane out of Brooklyn, and was supposed to head to Long Beach, California. In what country did his plane land instead?

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Johnny in Blinq, Metro

Local egomaniac Johnny Goodtimes is basking in the glow of his own narcissism today, as you can read about him by going to Blinq or by picking up a copy of today's Metro. He will breferring to himself in the third person for the remainder of the day. And yes, he knows he owes you a Detroit hooker story. It's coming. Honest.

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Johnny's In The Metro Again

Johnny Goodtimes gets his face in the Metro again as the Philadelphia Metro checks in with Johnny as he heads across the country.

Johnny's interview with the Average Homeboy also gets a nice write-up in Blinq today. Yes, who did know Johnny "had such a hawk nose for a story?"

- Trivia Art

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July 13, 2006

Anybody know this guy?

Because it is absolutely imperative that I find him when I get to Pittsburgh and break him out of prison.

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What's the most overrated movie ever?

No, this is not the same as worst movie ever. Most overrated is a movie that everyone just raves about, and you just don't get it. For me, it's Old School. It's ok, nowhere near the worst movie ever, but I thought it was really mediocre. It's got a couple of funny parts, but I've seen dozens of movies that were much funnier. I thought it was kind a cliche movie, too (Old guy dies when he sees boobs? Kind of lame). Anyways, tell me what you think by commenting below.

I've got meeting all morning, then me and Lyle head off for Pittsburgh. If you haven't read my interview with the lady who makes the great crabcakes, check it out. I'll be posting more on traffic.com throughout the day.

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July 7, 2006

Have a Happy Bonza bottler Day!

Just wanted to wish everyone a great Bonza Bottler Day. Hope you're gtting excited for next year, when on July 7th, we'll be celebrating a Bodacious Bonza Bottler Day! Wow, I just learned about this today. I'm really excited.

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I'm in a cubicle!

That's right, people. A day I thought would never happen. I, Johnny Goodtimes, sitting in a cubicle, drinking instant coffee and "working". Now, what I'm working on is pretty kool. But still. I've been doing research on a place in Amarillo, TX called the Big Texan Steakhouse, where they give you a 72 oz steak for free if you can eat it in an hour. I'm trying to decide whether or not it's worth attempting. I mean, there is absolutely no way I could finish it, but it might be worth the try. I'll get this week's winners up manana, and I'll tell you more about the trip a little later today.
RELATED: Johnny's going cross country!

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July 6, 2006

Seperated at birth?

They both sound like idiots when they talk, they both think the answer to all of life's problems is to "blow s*** up", and they were both born on the very same day. Rambo and W both turn 60 today. Of course, Rambo was a bit more succesful in war than Bush has been. Hey, well I got a meeting today with the traffic.com people, and don't know when I'll be back. So, until then, talk amongst yourselves.
Time Machine: Last year at this time, Johnny checked out Live 8.

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July 5, 2006

QuizzoMan Saves Earth From Bad Trivia

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The lights dimmed, and a booming voice came over the loudspeaker. QuizzoMan was born on the planet Quizzon, but in 1989 he was traded to earth for Von Hayes and a player to be named later. The opening monologue told of Quizzoman's tough time adjusting to Philly, until quizzo started to blow up. The strains of Quizzoman's theme music then began to play. "He's so handsome, he's so smart...he's got a big quiz and he's got a big heart." Suddenly the doors blew open, smoke poured out, and out walked a superhero more handsome than any ever seen. With flowing golden locks and an uncomfortably tight outfit, Quizzoman entered to a thunderous applause. Only seconds into the program, and QuizzoMan had already made people forget about Johnny Goodtimes (though they still couldn't keep their minds off Fado quizzo).

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But before a question could be asked, it was discovered that QuizzoMan has an arch enemy-a masked man known only as Wrong Answer. But, after a thrilling and well choreographed sword fight, QuizzoMan was able to dispose of Wrong Answer and start with the questions. The packed house (trust me, this was no cartoon quizzo) proved to be up to the challenge (six teams would finish with scores of 100 or higher), and QuizzoMan was able to project their scores between rounds onto the large overhead dome using his incredible mindpower.
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Things were going along swimmingly until midway through Round Four, when Wrong Answer reappeared, telling QuizzoMan that he had found his weakness. He then pulled out a glowing green object as QuizzoMan shrieked, "Quizzonite!" before slumping helplessly to the floor. Wrong Answer then took control of the questions, asking about Supervillains as the Franklin Institute staff tried to revive the immobile Superhero.
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All seemed lost until a young staffer named Scott F. remembered hearing something about the only known antidote for Quizzonite-cold, delicious beer. QuizzoMan took a few sips, mustered enough strength to stand, then slammed an entire cup of Sierra Nevada Summer Ale.
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He was entirely recharged and strormed after Wrong Answer with a vengeance, tearing his sword from his hands and then exploiting his weakness-Care Bear trivia. "Who can make anything out of rainbows?" asked QuizzoMan. Wrong Answer hung his head and answered. "True Heart Bear." QuizzoMan continued to grill the hapless SuperVillain. "Who tries and tries but is the only Care Bear who can't fly a kite?" A muttered cry from WA. "Do Your Best Bear." As QM asked his final question, Wrong Answer was begging for mercy. "Where do the Care Bear Cousing live?" The evildoer staggered back a few steps, muttered meekly, "The Forest of Feelings", and ran out the door, after telling our hero that he'd be back, "In a not as good as the original but still financially feasible sequel." Our hero then finished a thrilling Round Four, and added up the scores. The Bizarro Sofa Kingdom emerged victoriuos, edging the Legion of Doom, 112-110. The Superfriends finished 3rd with 107. Johnny G. was seen at the Planetarium before the contest, but was escorted out by staff security before the contest began. Johnny was given a lifetime ban from the Institute after the disastrous cartoon quizzo.
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Bounty Bowl!

Alright, I'm sick of Satan's Minions winning every week. They've won 5 straight at the Black Sheep. So, assuming they play tonight, I'm putting a $20 cash bounty on them. So if a team other than Satan's Minions win tonight, I'll give 'em $20 cash in addition to the $40 gift certificate. (No, if the Minions finish 4th, the three teams that beat them don't all get $20. Only the team in first gets it.)

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Question of the week

Elvis released his first single on this date in 1954, "That's Alright Mama." What legendary bluesman did he steal the song from? By the way, the photo above is of Black Elvis, who is the most famous person to come from my town of Nassawadox, VA (He was on the Arsenio Hall Show!). Strangely, the answer to this week's question also lived in Nassawadox for a while.

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Happy Birthday Bikini!

Happy birthday to the bikini, which turns 60 today. And just to be fair, here's a photo of a man with a bikini. Happy birthday, bikini! Here's a history of the greatest invention of the 20th century.

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July 4, 2006

Johnny Goodtimes Is Doing America Right!

That's right, peeps, I'm going cross country...and what's even better, I'm gonna be blogging about it the whole way. Yeah, I answered this ad that I saw on philadelphiawilldo, and had an interview with the good people at traffic.com a few days later. And lo and behold, I was the blogger they chose (I think my famous pink ruffled tuxedo shirt that I wore to the interview swayed them in my direction). Here's the deal: I'm gonna be going cross country in a tractor trailer with an absurdly large billboard attached to the back, and cruising from city to city, trying to convince people to check out all of the free services that traffic.com has to offer. I'll also be getting into as many ridiculous adventures along the way as I possibly can. Just think of this as a month long rhubarb pie bake off!

Now, I know what you're thinking, "Johnny, this sounds like you've sold out to the man!" To which I can only respond, "You're damn right I have! And the man can fulfill all of your traffic needs, just by checking out his website." I'll have a lot more info on this in the coming days, including how you can help me plan the adventure, so be sure to check back...and yes, there will still be quizzo. Trivia Art and Jam Master Sean will fill in for me while I'm gone.

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No Quizzo Tonight!

There will be no quizzo at the Bards and O'Neals tonight, on account of the holiday. Have a great 4th, and I'll see you tommorrow at the Vous and the Black Sheep!

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July 3, 2006

So, About that Big Announcement...

You know, the one I've been threatening to make every day for over a week? Well, uh, just one more day. I know, I know, I'm a bad person. But this is the type of announcement that just seems to go hand in hand with the 4th of July. And, no, I won't be doing a duet with Lionel Richie tommorrow. Trust me, I tried to make that happen. But July 4th is the perfect day to get this little announcement off the ground, although not a single person in America will be checking their computer on the 4th of July. And yes, that's a real frog.

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If this had happened in Philadelphia...

...it would have been front page news (front page, not front sports page) and would have had people all over America talking about what terrible fans we are.

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The Best Catch Ever?

WOW! Did you guys see this catch from yesterday? You know things are going bad for the Phils. Now, even Rowand's catch is no longer the best play of 2006. This is like Mays making his catch while climbing a wall. Simply unbelievable.

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New Poll

I just posted a new poll, so be sure to exercise your right as an american. The results of the last poll showed that most of you thought that Showgirls was the worst movie of the last 20 years, with 18.9% voting for that one. Battlefield Earth and I Heart Huckabees finished tied for 2nd with 16%. I thought Showgirls was so bad it was good, while I cannot say the same for I Heart Huckabees, which I think they have playing on a constant loop in hell.

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June 30, 2006

QuizzoMan Will not be rapping tonight

QuizzoMan will not be rapping at tonight's quizzo. "Quizzoman is a superhero, not some sort of pop star," said his manager Colonel Tom Barker. "Therefore he will not be engaging in any sort of rap." Local Quizmaster Johnny Goodtimes had been hoping to rap at tonight's contest, but he was fired after the cartoon quizzo and will therefore not be attending tonight's event. Oh yeah, and about that big announcement. That's gonna come Monday. Johny didn't realize how much help QuizzoMan needed to get ready for this event.

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Quick Notes About Tonight's Event

OK, so I had a misprint earlier. The Superman IMAX shows at 6:45 p.m., not 7:30 p.m., as I had previously posted. The quizzo will still be starting at 10 p.m. I'm gonna have a long day, trying to help QuizzoMan prepare, so I'll try to post a few things at some point today, including my BIG ANNOUNCEMENT (Earlier tonight a team asked me if the big announcement was that I was getting married, to which I responded, "No, the big announcement is that I got a 2nd date." Just kidding, of course. I still haven't gotten a 2nd date.)

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June 28, 2006

QuizzoMan hosts superhero quizzo on friday

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I'm not really sure why I'm even promoting this (after all, I'm going to be out of town on Friday), but I guess I should let you know that QuizzoMan is going to be hosting a superhero quizzo on friday at the Franklin Institute, starting at 10 p.m. There will be a showing of the movie Superman at 6:45 p.m.at the IMAX, and QuizzoMan will get the party started shortly after the conclusion of the film. Admission to the quizzo is free, admission to the movie is $11. You do not have to go to the movie to play quizzo (although Superman on IMAX sounds kind of kool.) The quizzo will be about Superheroes, running the gamut from comics to cartoons to movies to sports players nicknames. And yes, they will be serving alcohol! QuizzoMan would have written his own press release, but he's too busy fighting crime and poorly worded trivia questions.

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Hellcat Female Oil Wrestling

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In life, there always seems to be a small wrinkle that make our fantasies not quite as exciting when they reach reality. Such was the case this past weekend, as I was lucky enough to see a hot lesbian oil wrestle on an inner tube...yet unlucky enough to see her oil wrestling my sister. In other words, my brother-in-law's fantasy came entirely true, while mine came in at about 50%. I mean, my sister is cute and all, but I really didn't need to see her oil wrestling. In case you were wondering, the fight was pretty intense, and there was a lot of controversy surrounding who won.

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Check back this afternoon

Hey peeps, I got Spanish class, but I'll be back this afternoon with some more info on friday night's event, which wil be hosted by QuizzoMan. And I'll have mroe details on lesbian oil wrestling, though I only got one photo. So check back then. In the meantime, read these H. Ross Perot quotes I posted last year on his birthday (he turned 76 yesterday).

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June 27, 2006

Who is your favorite Superhero or Supervillain ever?

Now, I have to admit, I don't know a ton about superheros and supervillains. That's probably part of the reason why, instead of hiring me, the science museum has elected to hire QuizzoMan. But I do have a few favorites. I am particularly fond of the Brown Hornet and the Riddler, especially when the Riddler was on the Batman show in the 1960s. That Riddler was awesome. Who is your favorite Superhero or Supervillain?

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Lovely Ginger to Host WIld Card Round Tonight!

The lovely Ginger, Philadelphia's official beer lass, will be hosting the wild card round tonight at quizzo at O'Neals and the Bards. She'll also be annoying, uh, I mean, fascinating you with various beer facts thoughout the night, and yes, there is a decent chance the wild card round will have to do with beer.
Related: Join Ginger (aka Suz) on MySpace.
Related: Ginger and Johnny do Camden.

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Where to Begin

Aw man, it's one of those days where I have so much to do that I'm paralyzed by the reality of it all. Plus I gotta watch this Brazil game. Ahhhhhhhhh! Why am I wasting time writing this? I've got some amazing, incredible news to pass along soon. Lemme get caught up w/ everything else and then I'll hit you with that news manana. And remember to keep your calendars open for Friday. I think this Quizzoman thing could be interesting. Or a complete disaster. Either way, it'll be worth checking out.

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June 26, 2006

Stranded on the Shore

Well, I'm having car problems in Virginia. So you'll have to wait until tommorrow to read about the hot lesbian oil wrestling that took place on the beach on Saturday. Yeah, I'm serious. But it had it's good side and it's bad side. I've got a remarkably uneven sunburn that looks and feels great. And I've got it on good authority that the local Commonwealth's Attorney has begun watching soccer on univision after reading about how great it was on this website. See, we are making a difference! So anyways, I'm getting the car looked at and will be rolling into the city tonight, so I'll holla atcha manana.
Time Machine: Two years ago, Johnny listens to satanic music and has an absolutely reprehensible haircut.

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June 23, 2006

Strange Rumblings

Alright, peoples, I'm heading home to Virginia (not to be confused with West Virginia) for the weekend, but got a few comments to make before I leave. First of all, got a lot of weird comments when I posted a photo of a girl with big boobs on the site the other day. It started withan angry rant that I was completely convinced was from my ex-girlfriend, but then turned out to be from some dude (The comments were posted under the Fado Philly Style Mag story, not the big boob story.) Anyways, to let you ladies who check the site know that I haven't forgotten about you, I'm leaving this week with a photo of Brad Pitt.

Secondly, there is apparently some sort of big free quizzo event at the Franklin Institute next friday. I don't know many details, b/c after the cartoon fiasco, I wasn't invited back. Instead, they hired a guy I've never heard of. His name is QuizzoMan, and he supposedly has super trivia powers and wears really tight tights and a mask. If I hear anything else about it, I'll post something about it next week.

Also, I wanna thank everybody for posting so many comments on the site lately (although some of them have been really strange.) The website is always more fun when it's interactive. Sorry to the teams who won on Thursday, but I'll try to post your stories this weekend when I get home. If not, they'll go up Monday. Finally, if you haven't read the heartwarming tale of my RPS victory, I ask you to please read it now. It may inspire you to do great things yourself someday.

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June 22, 2006


Yo peeps, heading out to watch USA soccer match. I may be a left wing pinko commie, but believe it not, I'll still be pulling for Ol' Glory. I'd love to see us advance. Holla atcha this afternoon.

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June 21, 2006

Johnny does not host any of Philly's Best Quizzoes!

The people of Philadelphia voted, and the best quizzo in town belongs to...Fado. In fact, Johnny did not even make the top four. This was in a vote taken by Philadelphia Style magazine. The following is taken from Philly Style Mag:
Best Of STYLE | Best Quizo | Fadó
Irish Pub & Restaurant Quizo is close to TiVo on the scale of modern addictions. This pub trivia phenomenon actually originated in our fair city, imported from Ireland by Fergie of Fergie's Pub. But the Irish-themed pub chain Fadó was voted your favorite place to play the game this year. Bartender Regon MacInnis suggests beefing up on
VH1's Best Week Ever to have a shot at competing against the handful of teams Fadó attracts on Wednesday nights. The fun and games begin at 9 p.m., and the prize is a $40 bar tab. FadoIrishPub.com, 215-893-9700.
Runners Up:
Fergie's Pub, Fergies.com, 215-928-8118;
New Deck Tavern, NewDeckTavern.com, 215-386-4600;
Roosevelts Pub, 215-569-8879

Damn, yo. I was the staff pick for best quizzo, but this one still kind of stings. Oh well, those guys might host a better quizzo, but I'll be damned if they can beat me at rock paper scissors! (Oh, and in case you were wondering what the readers of Philly Style Mag think the best coffee shop is, it's Starbucks. Seriously. Bitter? Me? Noooooo.)

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Philly Lite

Yo, peeps, gotta roll to Spanish class. But here's a few fun things to look at while I'm gone. First off, my man D-Mac found perhaps the creepiest usage of Ben Franklin's image ever. That's right, Ben Franklin is using his popularity among teenage females to stop teen pregnancy. Secondly, the good people at Philebrity think that hipsters are getting a bad name, and they are pissed. Which is kind of weird, because I didn't think hipsters had the energy to be anything other than ironic and mildly annoyed. Angry hipsters are funny. The comment under a recent write up on foobooz is pretty great. Trivia Art writes that the Bike Race weekend is the only time it's kool to be in Manayunk (which is wrong. Manayunk sucks even during the bike race). As if to prove why Manayunk sucks, some knucklehead writes an angry diatribe in the comments section about how kool Manayunk is, and how he'll tell Art the great deals going on in Manyunk, but that he's not gonna give 'em to Art unless he hires him. Yeah, Bub, Trivia Art is gonna hire you to tell him about the kool deals in Manayunk right after he adds a "Best Upcoming Frat Parties" section to his site.

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June 20, 2006

What's the best tv show theme song ever?

I remember, as a kid, thinking that the Dallas theme song was really cool. I wasn't allowed to watch the show, but my parents let me watch the opening credits. I also really like the theme song for Wonder Years, which was a cover of "Get By WIth a Little Help From My Friends". But I gotta go with the theme from Good Times. It's just such a soulful 70s sound that goes so well with the show, and a certain optimism in the face of trying times that I kind of like. The theme from Mr. Belvedere is my second favorite. Seriously. That is the JAM. "Streaks on the china...never mattered before...who cares?" What's your favorite?

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Question of the Week

This rapper from Philly, who is considered a pioneer in gangster rap and who recorded the theme song for Aqua Teen Hunger Force, celebrates his 40th birthday this week.

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Was the fix in?

The USA-Italy match was awesome, marred only by absolutely dreadful officiating. Well, after the match, it was discovered that the referee, who had kicked two American players out of the game, had been kicked off the 2002 World Cup for "irregularities". It makes it even more interesting that the team we were playing, Italy, is currently in the midst of a major game fixing scandal. One of the charges? The manipulation of referee assignments. Wow, how interesting it is that a team being investigated for manipulating ref assignments just happens to get a ref with a crooked past who tries to hand them the game on Saturday.

Oh, and WTFer Matt Eison is in Germany for the World Cup. Here is his latest report:

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I was really proud of our boys for bouncing back after the anemic showingagainst the Czech Republic. The atmosphere is fantastic. Kaiserslautern is called little USA because of the 30,000+ Americans living there because of the nearby Ramstein Air Force Base. But what I was really proud of was the way our fans showed up in force for the game, and in loud voice.

Our seats were great: around 30 yard line and right behind all of the USA players' families. At half time and after the game I went to talk to Clint Dempsey's brother and sister to tell them how proud I was of their brother, being a Furman grad (Clint Dempsey went to Furman). I also met up with Landon Donovan's girlfriend, Bobby Convey's girlfriend, and former national team member Joe Max-Moore (the guy who scored the goal in qualifying to put us into the last World Cup). It was basically just like being in the USA for this match, and at times before the Czech- USA game,it seemed that way as well, but this was definitely a more dominant American presence. I can only hope that it came off like that on TV.

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June 19, 2006

Trust me on this one

Just tune your television into Univision the entire time the World Cup is on. Don't ask me any questions or talk back. Just do it. The action between games is absolutely mind blowing. Even Joe Vento himself cannot argue with the quality of Spanish television. (OK, so of course as soon as I posted this they actually started talking about soccer, but be sure to tune in manana! The between game action is an endless procession of sexy Brazilian women dancing while dudes bang on drums and scream. It is awesome.)

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The Scissors Heard Round the World: 66th seed Johnny Goodtimes emerges as Philly's RPS Champ

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Buster Douglas over Mike Tyson. 'Nova over Georgetown. The Miracle on Ice. Most arguments about the greatest upsets in the history of sports center around these seminal events. But barber shop debates are a little livelier this Monday morning, as a new contender for "Greatest Upset Ever" has emerged: Johnny Goodtimes, a lowly 66 seed, knocked off the top three seeds in succession to walk away as the champion of the Pabst Blue Ribbon Philadelphia Rock Paper Scissors City League Championship Series (or PBRPRPSCLCS for short). The champ, who earned $1000 for his expertise and skill, explained his inspiring win. "It was an almost religious experience, where my mind wasn't leading my body, but my body was leading my mind. I was in a state of zen, where everything I did seemed pre-ordained, and where I simply followed my destiny to the summit of my awesomeness."

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After a win over an 18 seed in round one, Johnny faced the #3 seed, (and the highest seeded female) My Fingers Make Me Happy, in round two. Johnny made sure that her fingers made her sad. He then advanced to the sweet 16, where he faced the number one seed in the whole tourney, the Paper Tiger. Johnny G., who was wearing a t-shirt with the likeness of his boyhood hero Ric Flair, and who was also emceeing the event, told the erstwhile regular season champ that, "To be the Man, you gotta beat the Man!" But JGT seemed to be over his head, and soon found himself one throw away from elimination. The crowd, not amused by Johnny's brash persona, chanted "Pa-per Ti-ger! Pa-per Ti-ger!" All seemed lost. However Johnny, like a one legged blind climber on Everest who has run out of oxygen, but who must...continue...onwards, perservered, and pulled off a shocking come from behind victory. A hushed silence fell over the shocked audience. Johnny, angry by the lack of respect he was being shown by the crowd, did what any great champion under these circumstances would have done: He shot the crowd the double bird.

Having knocked off the Nemean Lion and the Cerynian Hind, Goodtimes' Herculanean task got no easier. He now had to face a Lernaean Hydra who went by the name of Frankie 13. Frankie thought he could shake Philly's favorite quizmaster, but when all was said and done, Cinderella was still dancing, and a power outage had the clock stuck at 11:59. (That was a fictional analogy. The good people at PECO had the energy buzzing in full force all night long.)
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It was now down to four competitors, and Goodtimes warned his final four opponent, Vertical Paper, that "If he wants to ride on Space Mountain, he needs to walk that line." Vertical Paper was cut to shreds by Johnny's Horizontal Scissors, and it was now down to two: JGT and the Citywide Special (above). The crowd had been whipped into a frenzy by Johnny's histrionics, and they were desperate for the Citywide Special to shut the mouth of this trash talking juggernaut. Again a chant went up from the crowd, "City-wide Spec-ial" Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap. Johnny won the first match, and cupped his hand to his ear as the crowd booed him lustily. Johnny won again in the 2nd match. At this point it was becoming plain to see that David had his slingshot aimed perfectly at Goliath's forehead, his rock a lethal pebble, his scissors a bloody dagger, his paper a three ring binder of doom (Please, I'm trying to write this at 2:30 in the morning while drunk, so please give me some leeway if the analogies I just wrote make no sense at all). Round Three went to the Special, but in Round Four Goodtimes took the gold and dropped to the floor, his arms raised to the heavens, his disappointing 2nd place finish at last months Intercourse Rhubarb Pie Bake-Off now nothing more than a distant memory.
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"That wasn't a man out there tonight playing rock paper scissors," said an exuberant Goodtimes as he collected his earning from league organizer and RPS legend C. Urbanus (above). "That was a modern incarnation of Zeus, heaving thunderbolts at foes armed only with fingers. I think that, from this day forward, Johnny Goodtimes will be to the Rock Paper Scissors community what Anthony Dimeo is to the local blueberry community: Simply the best."

The crew moved to The Dive for a post-game celebration, where JGT, well known for being insufferably cheap, actually bought the house a round (below).

Johnny's newfound status as Philadelphia's Rock Paper Scissors champion has, as of press time, still not gotten him laid.
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Posted at 12:58 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (17)

June 16, 2006

Your World Cupdate

Man, this match between the Netherlands and the Ivory Coast is awesome. The Netherlands leads 2-1 after one half first half. A fight almost broke out when a member of the Ivory Coast barely touched the goalie. The Dutch are such whiners. Seriously. They bail to the ground and hold their ankles every tie a member of the opposite team comes within five feet of them. It's pathetic, and the refs even yellow carded one of them for it. Of course, I'm rooting for the Ivory Coast. The country is in the midst of a civil war (though the violence has died down a bit in recent years, and there has supposedly been a cease-fire since the team qualified or the World Cup) and the team had to spend a week in prison after a poor showing in the 2002 Africa Cup. Hard to root against a team that is dealing with that kind of stuff in their day to day lives. One thing that's kind of cool about the World Cup is that it gives us a chance to learn a little something about countries that we wouldn't ordinarily think about. So take a sec and read up on the Ivory Coast.

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Trivia Art-Philly's new media darling

Trivia Art only began posting on foobooz.com a few short weeks ago, and already he's been written about in Philadelphia Will Do, Blinq, Attytood, and Gridskipper. And now, today, you can find him in the Metro. And in other food news, the Great Pizza Hunt is back in effect. Yeah, I needed to take a little break, but as of today, it's back on. Anybody who wants to grab a slice in the next couple of weeks should email me at johnnygoodtimes@hotmail.com.

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June 15, 2006

Lets go Trinidad!

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Trinidad and Tobago is hanging tough with England. With 20 minutes left, it's tied at zero. England has blown a couple of great chances, and an amazing play by one of the English defenders kept a Trinidad shot out of the goal. OK, ok, I'm coming around. A 0-0 game can actually be pretty exciting. And the fact that Trinidad is playing gives me a perfectly legitimate excuse to post a photo of Miss T & T Danielle Jones.
UPDATE: Damnit, two goals in the last ten minutes propelled the bloody blokes to victory. But that does not in any way affect my feelings for Danielle.

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Odds and Ends

First of all, Happy Birthday to Ice Cube, who turns 37 today. Also, Happy B-Day to Philadelphia's own Bernard Hopkins, and congrats on what was an impressive win on Saturday night. Alright, that's enough happiness. Let's be miserable for a minute, and you know what I'm getting at: yeah, it's time to talk Phillies. First of all, I want to know, can anyone out there think of a player in major league baseball worse than David Bell? No, I mean seriously, I want somebody to tell me a single player in the majors who is worse. Last night, after four innings, the skies opened up with the Phils trailing 7-2, and I began chanting, "Let's go, Ra-ain." But even the rain is letting us down these days. And how much longer before Uncle Charlie is fired? I give it until the All-Star break. We have some really good players on this team (though none of them pitch), and there is no excuse for us to be this pathetic. Something needs to happen, soon, or this is a lost season

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June 14, 2006

Ok, so that was pretty exciting

Yeah, I was watching the Germany-Poland match, and saw the winning (and only) goal in injury time. What made it better was that I was watching it on Univision. No, I was not trying to make a political statement about cheesesteaks and to be honest, I can't understand most of what the announcers say, but I do it b/c I love hearing the Spanish announcers when a goal is scored. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!" Followed by "GOL! GOL! GOL! GOL! GOL! GOL! (Repeat ten times). And I love the women who are on Univision after soccer. Muy calientes!

In other news my man Trivia Art gets some love on gridskipper for Foobooz. It was Trivia Art who told me that the Philly Style Mag was on newstands now, so I needed to check to see if I was voted Philly's best quizzo (Remember when I asked you to vote for me like 5 months ago?) Alas, the new issue hasn't hit the newsstand at Barnes and Noble. My raging ego (I wore a shirt with a picture of myself on it last night, for heaven's sake) must be kept in check for at least another night.

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Attack of the white trash!

Looks like Joe Vento is getting more than he bargained for, as white trash from all across America descending on his restaurant, wearing their "These Colors Don't Run" t-shirts and talking about how lazy immigrants are and you just know the following is happening over and over again:,
"I suppose I'll have one of them there cheese steaks."
"Yo, you'se want dat wit'?"
"Well, now, dadgummit, I cain't quite understand yer English."
"Yo, you'se want dat wit'?"
"Yer words ain't makin' no dagburn sense, but I'll just take one of them there cheesesteaks to support all of y'all good speakin' Americans."

Hey I got Spanish class (I'm an unpatriotic American, stooping to learning that unworthy language, I know, I know), so I'll holla at ya this afternoon.
Related: Chris R.'s excellent letter to Mr. Vento.

Posted at 10:49 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (11)

June 13, 2006

What are your guilty pleasures?

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Alright , it's time to come clean. What are your guilty pleasures-things you know you shouldn't like, but you do anyway? I've gotta say that mine are Pizza Hut deep dish pizza and Dunkin Donuts, both for their donuts and their ridiculously sweet coffe, and Grey's Anatomy, which I've been blasted for in the past. I hate chain restaurants, but Pizza Hut and Dunkin' Donuts both get a pass. And if I see an US magazine lying around, well, I'll probably read it from cover to cover. Man, that was really painful to admit. Anyways, I'm interested in hearing your guilty pleasures, so drop a line below.

Posted at 4:28 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (24)

Yo peeps

It's 1:30 and I'm at a restaurant in Conshohocken, wearing my pink tuxedo shirt. There's a perfectly good explanation for this, which I will give you if and when the right opportunity arises. Very interesting morning, that's all I'll say for now. I'll be back to posting stuff this afternoon. I've got another question for you in the worst movie ever mold. That was fun. Oh, and I bowed out early last night in rock paper scissors action. Very disappointing. I'm emceeing the championship on Saturday. More on that as it develops. Check back in a couple of hours, or throw in your two cents to the soccer debate. Peace-JGT.

Posted at 1:38 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Question of the week

Trinidad and Tobago pulled off an upset tie at the World Cup on Saturday. What is the capital of Trinidad and Tobago? (The girl above pops up 2nd when you google Trinidad and Tobago and, um, I think I love her.)

Posted at 10:25 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

June 12, 2006


Yeah, so the USA game didn't go so well. And by not so well, I mean that we proved that, without question, we are the least qualified team in this year's World Cup. Losing 3-0 in socer is like losing 31-0 in American football. Humiliating. But the good news is that Italy is on now, and it's so easy to root against the Italians. I mean, after all, Geno's Joe Vento has Italian ancestry. And he's the guy who thinks Mexicans are dirty. Man, I'm starting to like the new Inky, who have a policy of, as Philebrity says, "Blow us off and we'll use the money quotes in the follow up article." This is the article where Joe Vento says, "A lot of diseases are coming in" with illegal Mexican immigrants. Yeah, diseases like workaholism. Oh, and remember how Vento told Good Morning America that he's doing this for the Mexicans, b/c they need to learn the language to assimilate? Yeah, well quizzo player Chris R. sent Joe this email a week and a half ago, and has yet to get a response. You'll really enjoy this one:

Dear Mr. Vento -

As a fellow resident of South Philadelphia and life-long Philadelphian of partial Italian descent whose ancestors arrived here around the same yours did, I've been reading about your pro-English activities with interest. It's always good to see local business leaders involved in the community.

It seems that you feel pretty strongly that people in the United States speak English. I'm not sure how you feel about the Dakota Sioux or Lancaster County "Dutch" or Louisiana Cajuns, but I'll restrict my comments to Philadelphia (a Greek word for an area settled by speakers of Lenape, then Swedish, then Dutch and finally the English.)

I also feel strongly that it would be very positive for immigrants to this country to be able to speak English. For that reason, instead of posting signs addressing them specifically in English - which, as you might well be able to guess, they might not be able to read - I volunteer as an English teacher at the non-profit Nationalities Service Center at 13th and Spruce Sts.

For about 6 hours/week not including prep time I teach an eager group of about 20 immigrants from around the world English grammar, vocabulary and conversation. These people work similar hours to your own, many of them in kitchens or as au pairs, and after their 10-14 days still find the time to attend a 3-hour English class two days per week. These are not free classes but are offered at reduced cost owing to donations from generous citizens, many via the United Way. Many of the students are not well educated in their own languages. When I ask the
students why they are learning English I always get the same 3 answers, which should be familiar to you as an Italian-American: they want to be able to work in the majority language (for they are here to work and do work hard), they want a better life for their children and they want to be able make American friends.

Seeing as you feel so passionately about the subject I was wondering if you and/or members of your staff would consider volunteering at the school. Although this is uncompensated work I feel I get a lot out of it.

As a successful businessman - I know those Harleys aren't cheap - I was also wondering if you'd like to make tax-deductable donations to NSC. It is a non-profit and anything you could spare would be greatly appreciated. This is the website: http://www.nationalitiesservice.org/ I would direct your attention to
the "Getting Involved" portion of the site, especially the following: http://www.nationalitiesservice.org/Misc/give.htm

You might consider making a donation to the Richard Steel Scholarship Fund for English language education. That money would go directly to assisting immigrants who have asked NSC about learning English but can't afford to take classes right now. The best part is that the more money you give, the more immigrants get to learn English! I bet they'd become Geno's customers who order properly in no time! I hope you're as excited about the possibilities here as I am.

Another way you could help would be by donating some of your delicious food to the end-of-term parties which occur four times per year for students graduating from various levels of the program. They are very proud to receive their certificates- in English - and we like to have a little celebration at the end of the term as people work hard. In fact there's a term ending the first week of June and I know anything you could spare would be greatly appreciated.

Please do contact me via the attached email address should any of this appeal to you. And thanks again for being so vocal in your beliefs, else I would never have known to write.

Chris Randolph
South Philadelphia

Posted at 3:10 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (10)

World Cup

There's only one way to describe this weekend's soccer action: Booooooooring. After the opening game, which was won 4-2 by Germany, I think the rest of games were all 1-0, except for two, one of which was 0-0. 0-0? Seriously, is there anything lamer than a 0-0 sporting event? That's like a strip poker match where everybody refuses to take any clothes off. And one game was 1-0 only because one team put the ball in their own goal. Can somebody explain to me why soccer has this stupid offsides rule which makes scoring essentially impossible? I mean, I wanna like the World Cup, I really do. But they have to score some freaking points. Please! Anyways, I'm gonna be at Black Sheep to watch the USA game if anybody wants to swing by during their lunch break.

Posted at 8:48 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (14)

June 9, 2006

Hopkins fight

Bernard Hopkins is going to be taking on Antonio Tarver tommorrow night in Atlantic City. Tarver is going to be playing Mason "The Line" Dixon in the upcoming Rocky movie, which is, quite frankly, the stupidest name for a bad guy I've ever heard. Apparently they decided against the name Hawley "The Tarriff" Smoot. If you've never read my interview with Hopkins from last year (before he lost to Jermain Taylor for the second time), I highly recommend it. He talks about his life in prison before he became a boxer, why there are no good white boxers, and bashes Donovan. Honestly, this is a really neat interview.
Related: Johnny interviews the Executioner.

Posted at 11:42 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Eatin' Good in the neighborhood

Man, this has not been my healthiest week. Monday night I hit both Jim's and Moriarity's. On Tuesday, I hit Lorenzo's on South Street. You know how their pizza is kind of inconsistent? This time it was awesome. On Wednesday I got a burger from Monk's. I think their beer is a little too pricey, but damn, their burgers are amazing. Then, yesterday, I got another cheesesteak, this one from Oscar's Tavern, one of my favorite bars in the city. I feel like I need to hit another great place this weekend, to keep the momentum going. Where should I go? Any suggestions? I'm thinking about checking out the Cantina El Caballito, the new Mexican place. But other than that, I'm just eating salads this weekend. Seriously. I got to get my fat ass to the gym now, big time, and then I'll get to work on stories for this week.

Posted at 11:30 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

June 7, 2006

Heading off to Spanish Class

A'ight, I'm Audi, but I'll leave you with a few little nuggets. FIrst of all, wanna say thanks to everyone who's been writing in with their "Worst movies of all time". I'm getting a kick out of reading your comments. Also, be sure to vote in the new poll on the right side of the page about bad movies. Here's a link to local Daily News writer Will Bunch bashing bigoted Geno's owner Joe Vento. And finally, who hasn't thought about a tropical island getaway? Well, I can tell you one thing. Average Homeboy has.

Posted at 10:28 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

Johnny About Cartoon Quizzo: "I Did Not Jump the Shark!"

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The Sofa Kingdom won at an eerily quiet Cartoon Quizzo at the Franklin Institute on friday, as rumors flew that Goodtimes had finally jumped the shark. Despite a small crowd, the quizzo turned out to be a lot of fun, as Johnny played the soundtracks to various cartoons (Including Gem) throughout the night and a collage of cartoons was shown on the big screen. The primary reason for the low turnout, surmised Goodtimes, was the torrential downpour at the time of quizzo (One team had to leave halfway through the game b/c their basement flooded). His critics weren't so sure. "Yeah, right, it was the rain," said Bobby Badtimes, "And I'm the tooth fairy. Listen, people are just fed up with Goodtimes. They thought they were gonna get a science quizzo last time, and they got "'Every Little Beat of My Heart' by Hilary Duff. This was payback." There is going to be a Superhero quizzo on the 30th of June. Though Johnny will be unable to host (he's heading back to Europe), it is believed that a visitor from another planet, known as Quizzoman, will be hosting.More details will be forthcoming.

Posted at 9:55 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (6)

June 6, 2006

What's the Worst Movie You've ever seen?

After watching a History of Violence the other night, a movie that I think might make my top 10 worst movies ever, I started to think, what is the worst movie I've ever seen? It's a tough one. I have seen Plan 9 From Outer Space, but it's so campy, it's kind of enjoyable. There are other remarkably bad movies I've seen as well. Big Top Pee Wee, Bio-Dome, Speed,and Death Becomes Her all come to mind. As does Armageddon. Zoolander is the only film I've ever walked out of the theatre on. I really didn't hate Showgirls that much, but htat probably says more about me than it does about the movie. But I have to say that the most melodramatic load of horses*** I've ever seen is Twister. It followed every cliche ever offered up by a Hollywood film. I mean there were bad guy tornado chasers in this film, and they drove black vans. The dialogue was fingernails on a chalkboard excruciating, just one pathetically unfunny one-liner after another, interrupted by the bad storm chasers saying really mean things and two peole falling in love with a ferocious twister in the background and one of the characters dealing with the fact that her dad was killed by a tornado. Man, I hate this movie. Anyways, I want you guys to let me know what your least favorite movies are. I might even try to watch a few of them.

Posted at 2:09 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (49)

Question of the Week

In what city did Anton Levay begin the Church of Satan in 1966?

Posted at 12:56 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)


That's right people. Tonight we will celebrate the end of the world and have a devilsihly good time at quizzo with the 666 Spectacular. Today is a particularly good day to join the Church of Satan, "the first above ground organization in history openly dedicated to the acceptance of Man's true nature-that of a carnal beast, living in a cosmos which is permeataed and motivated by the Dark Force which we call Satan." Say what you will about those Satanists, they hire really good writers for the website.

Posted at 12:30 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

June 5, 2006

Great New Philly Food and Booze Website

When I wanna know where to take a girl on a date, or where to grab a cheap drink, or who's got a good lunch deal, I call up Trivia Art, who has eaten at pretty much eaten at every restaurant in this town at least once and who seems to always know who has good beers for cheap. Well, fortunately for you, Trivia Art has decided to share his vast knowledge of the local gastronomic scene with everybody on his new website, foobooz.com. It's not a place where he critiques local restaurants, but it's a place where you can find out who has great deals on food and booze throughout the city.

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A History of Lameness

Have you ever decided to rent a movie because it got great reviews, then watch it and be convinced that all movie reviewers are glue addicts? This was the case with History of Violence, which every reviewer and their mom thought was great, but which was absolutely awful, sort of like a Jean Claude Van Damme pic, except with a less plausible storyline. I mean, this may honestly be the most worthless film I've seen in years, and yet every reviewer I read thought it was pure genius. Did anybody else see this film and think it looked like something that should be on the USA network at 3 in the morning?

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June 2, 2006

Tonight's Show!

Here's how it's goin' down. There will be a show at 8 p.m. tonight at the Franklin Institute, featuring cartoon shorts by Max Fleischer, Disney's chief rival in the Golden Age of Animation. There will be a number of classic shorts, including several of Popeye and Betty Boop. Then, at 10, I will be hosting a cartoon quizzo, though NOT all of the questions will be about cartoons. But you can count on rounds 2 and 3 being about cartoons. YES, THEY WILL BE SERVING ALCOHOL! Come on, do you think your ol' pal Johnny is really gonna make you come out on a friday night without an opportunity to numb your brain with booze? Between rounds, they will be showing a cartoon mosaic on the ceiling of the planetarium that I have been told is going to be pretty sweet. Tickets are $4 to play quizzo only, $8 to watch the shorts and play quizzo.

Posted at 11:51 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

June 1, 2006

Media Circus continues-Johnny In the Inky

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Yep, I made the food section. "But, Johnny," you ask, "all you know about food is how to eat it." Not anymore. As you know, I have become the self proclaimed Craig LaBan of pizza (I'll have a Marra's review this afternoon after Spanish class), and now my friend Ken and I are respected bakers. The article is actually about the two ladies I wrote about in my story, and about the jealousy they encounter on the bake-off trail. Please realize that my "bakers in Lancaster County" comment carries with a dose of sarcasm.
Related: Johnny Rocks at Intercourse

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May 31, 2006

The Dilly-Yo

A'ight, peeps. I'm heading out to see the Phillies game, so behave yourselves while I'm gone. In the meantime, read up on the worthless piece of human waste who runs Geno's Cheesesteaks on Philadelphia Will Do. It looks like Bobby Badtimes took the time to post a comment below the write-up. Then, just to prove that the more things change, the more they stay the same, a look into the time machine shows us that two years ago Johnny was every bit as successful with women as he is now. Oh, and if anybody runs into Eve, please have her call me. Thanks.

Posted at 10:50 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Congratulations Avi and Deb!

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A few years ago, I had an ill-fated quizzo at Moda in Old City, where they refused to turn down the house music and where a bunch of guys in $200 shirts walked in about halfway through the game and just stared in disbelief, as if they had never seen a bunch of nerds before. I lasted a week. But one good thing came of it: Avi and Deborah hung out for the first time. They have played quizzo intermittently in the years since. And then, two weeks ago, Avi popped the question, and she said yes. (He didn't drop the question at Moda, in case you were wondering.) Congratulations, guys!
Related: Man proposes via quizzo questions.

Posted at 10:37 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

May 30, 2006

Johnny to host event at the Planetarium!

Hey gang, got another gig at the planetarium this Friday. It is part of the Franklin's Institute's Animation exhibit which is currently going on. Yes, that does mean that there will be some questions about cartoons and such, but not all questions will be about them. This will probably be a bit more like regular quizzo, except that of course there will be a laser light show between rounds. Last time the between round stuff was decent, but not great, but I have been assured that this time they will totally kick ass. This is gonna be a lot of fun. And yes, there will be booze. I will post more details on the site as I get them.

Posted at 2:07 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

The blueberry bursts

Without boring you with details, last night was emotional and sleepless, and I staggered out of bed this morning convinced that this was going to be a really lousy day. I knew one thing-that there was no news that could possibly cheer me up, not a single thing. And then I got an email from Palestra Jon, which led me to this. Excitedly, I went to this. By now I was giddy, and I went here. Now, for those of you who are too lazy to click links, here's the basics: Anthony Dimeo, the local blueberry mogul who has on numerous occasions threatened to sue me for things I've written about him on this website, got struck down in a court of law in a case against internet bad boy Tucker Max. Or, as Max so eloquently states, "I BEAT THE EVER LOVING S*** OUT OF ANTNEE DIMEO!!" So thank you, Anthony. Thank you for being such a total f****** douchebag that your failures bring me a ray of sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day. And thank you, America. Because you give people like Anthony the right to think that being born with a silver spoon in their mouth gives them carte blanche to impose their will on the little guy, but you also give the little guy the chance to call these types of people exactly what they are. Total f****** douchebags.
Related: Johnny and Antnee named to Philly's 40 Under 40.
Bobby Badtimes has a few words for Antnee
Related: New Years Eve Party goes, uh, not so good.

Posted at 10:59 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Question of the Week

Before he went solo, Jimi Hendrix played with the Upsetters, the back-up band for what famous performer?

Posted at 10:24 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

May 26, 2006

Oh, shnap

Hey, it's 4:50 on a Friday, so I'm sure nobody reading this, but apparently my interview is online. Click here if you couldn't afford to get your self a real Metro. Just had pizza at Marra's, so I'll have that review up in a few days, and I'll have quizzo results up, uh, asap.

Posted at 4:50 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

Dirk is Lookin' For Freedom

This from this week's Sports Illustrated: Dallas starDirk Nowitzki confessed that to ease tension at the free throw line, he sometimes hums Hasselhoff's immortal Looking for Freedom, a hit in Germany when Nowitzki was a youth.
Related: Looking For Freedom: the greatest music video ever. Ever. No, seriously. Ever.

Posted at 12:44 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Hey y'all

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First off, pick up a copy of today's Metro. There's an interview with me in there (Trivia Art says the interview makes me seem "kind of creepy".. Secondly, I've got a new quizzo event at the Fels Planetarium on friday, June 2nd! It's a part of their animation exhibit, so you can expect some questions about cartoons, but not all. There's also some cool new stuff for the laser light show. And this time they'll have their first string guy at the controls. OK, so I'm finally gonna get my Taconnelli's review up today in the great pizza hunt. I promise. There were some major upsets at quizzo last night, and those stories will be up later. And if you haven't read the now legendary story of the Rhubarb bake-off, click here. It's pretty hilarious.

Posted at 12:49 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

May 25, 2006

iPod Recovering nicely

It has been a technologically disastrous week, as my iPod crapped out at O'Neals on Tuesday. Fortunately Brian had his on him, complete with "The Message". I then ran home after that quizzo to bust out the old cd player for the Bards, which I used again last night. At the Bards, the wire between the cd player and the amp caught on fire, but I put it out quickly, and miraculously, the thing still worked. Then at the Black Sheep last night the cd player came crashing down on the floor at one point. Again, it somehow walked away. So then, this morning I turn on the iPod and all of a sudden it works! So I'm back in business for tonight. Now, I know what you're thinking: Johnny, does this story have a point? The answer, sadly, is no. I'll be back this afternoon with a Taconelli's review and a couple of results from this week. Oh, and I've got some exciting news about next week.

Posted at 12:34 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

May 24, 2006

Thank Goodness We Didn't Get This Guy

Remember last year, when the Phils fired Bowa and people around Philly were gettign excited because there was a proven winner out there, just waiting to be snapped up? A guy who had won three division titles and had won a World Series with a team that, truth be told, really wasn't that good? A guy who was extremely familiar with the National League, since that's where he always had managed? Well, don't worry, he hasn't done much since he got snapped up by the Detroit Tigers this year. Well, with the exception of leading a perennial laughingstock to the best record in baseball. And the difference really seemed to hit home last night, as the Tigers came from two runs back in the 8th inning, while the Phils blew a three run lead in the 8th.
Related: Fascinating Phillie Facts

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May 23, 2006

Johnny and Ginger Go to Camden

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I had planned to get to Camden early on Sunday, so that I could paint the town red in a day and take part in the ol' waterfront trifecta. You see, the good people of Camden were letting bloggers go to the Aquarium, the Battleship, and the ballpark for free over the past weekend, and since I wear so many hats (quizmaster, blogger, baker, etc.) I figured I should take part. But I was unable to get out of bed before noon, probably the aftereffects of "Baker's hangover". Or possibly the effects of "PBR hangover". Anyway, that's irrelevant. I called the lovely Ginger to see if she wanted to go to the city across the river. She said sure, so we hopped in the Crown Victoria and headed to "The City That Never Reads". Ouch! That was a cheap shot. In my defense, I was raised to make fun of Jersey every chance I got.

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We started at the Adventure Aquarium. Now, as most of you know, I have a little experience with marine animals, having served as a dolphin trainer in Hawaii for a fewyears (please feel free to pass along this little nugget of info to all of your attractive female friends). But I had never been to the Adventure Aquarium. So I was excited, but I also realized that we had to hurry through. The baseball game started at 1:30 (or so I thought), and would be over by 4:30, and the battleship closed at 5, so we had a lot to do in a short amount of time. We rushed through the exhibits, which were visually stunning. I was impressed by several of the brightly colored animals they had there, many of which I had never seen before. But we didn't have time to learn. We only had time for...Spongebob Squarepants! Yep, the aquarium has a 4-D adventure which is a Spongebob cartoon, and there we received a warm reception from an employee named Karess (see, I told you I'd put you in my blog if you hooked us up!). Now, having existed for the first 31 years of my life on only three dimensions, I was a little worried. Were there things on the fourth dimension my simple mind couldn't comprehend? Would I...meet God? Alas, no. The 4-D thing was a lot of fun, but I emerged spiritually intact. The movie was a blast, and I only had one minor complaint: The chairs in the 4-D adventure jerked you around throughout the adventure, causing the man next to me to proclaim, dryly, "Wow, the fourth dimension is a lot like driving in Center City."
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After emerging from our 4-D adventure, we headed outdoors to see the penguins and the seals. There, we snapped a couple of photos and then got moving. There simply wasn't time to get to know the seals or ask questions. We had to decide whether to go to the Battleship or the ballpark. There was a light rain falling, so we decided to head to the Battleship. By the time we got there it was raining pretty hard.

Now, I didn't know much about the USS New Jersey, and now was not the time to learn. We still had a baseball game to get to. So we flew through the ship. Ginger would bark, "Slow down, I'm trying to read these placards." To which I would angrily reply, "We don't have time to read! Just absorb things visually as you run past them, and then read about the ship online!" I'm pretty sure we set a new record for "fastest self guided ship tour ever". All in all, though, the ship was pretty cool. The most interesting thing wasn't the ship's firepower, but the amount of personal space that each soldier had to himself, which was essentially none. Plus my granddad (the one who taught me at age 8 that drinking straws were "for women", effectively ending my straw-drinking days) served on board a battleship in the Pacific, so it gave me a better grasp of how he lived.
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Well, it was off to the ballpark, where we saw, uh, seagulls in the parking lot. Yeah, it seems that the game had started at 1:00, not 1:30, as I had assumed, so it was long over by the time we got there. No problem. I had worked for the Sharks a few years ago, so I've been to like 75 of their games, and I can tell you this: It is a great place to watch a game. And if you go, ask for seats in section X. That will give you a great skyline view of the city in the background as you watch the game. All in all, it was a great day in Camden. The Aquarium is awesome, and I definitely plan on returning. The battleship was really interesting as well, and will probably be even more so after I do more research on it.

Well, the adventure was essentially over...at least that phase. Tune back in tommorrow, when I discuss my Sunday night trip to legendary Tacconelli's Pizza. Was it as good as advertised? Better than Tony's? Find out tommorrow!

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May 22, 2006

Johnny Finishes Inches From Victory at 23rd Annual Rhubarb Pie Bake-Off!

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We came flying in on two wheels into the Kitchen Kettle Village parking lot in Intercourse, careful not to let our cherished pie (The Rhubarb Banana Blueberry Supreme) fall in the car floor, then hopped out and ran into KKV. Judging for the Rhubarb Pie Bake Off was scheduled for 10:15 a.m., and it was already 10:20. "You must be the fellows from Philadelphia," said an attractive lady in a giant pink hat. My butterfly shirt and the fact that we were the only people there under the age of 50 apparently gave us away. "Indeed," I said, handing her my pie.

Ken had worked hard Wednesday night to make the ingredients, and I had spent my Thursday afternoon baking. It was an amateur production at best. I had never baked before, so I didn't know what to roll the dough on. A newspaper? The bare table? Finally I put two cutting boards together and rolled it on them. I didn't have a dough roller, so I used a large can of pineapple juice to roll the dough. I had no idea what I was doing, but when I pulled the pie out of the oven, it wasn't completely burnt, so I figured that was a good sign.
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The judging began shortly after we arrived. The judge for pies (there were also competitions for best rhubarb cake and best miscellaneous rhubarb dessert) was a lady named Holly Palacious (above) who worked at a nearby Tea Room. She looked very serious as she began her tasting, and seemed remarkably focused. She tasted the first few pies and got to ours. I began to get nervous. For all I knew, they were going to cut the pie and it was going to deflate like the turkey in National Lampoon's X-Mas Vacation. They began cutting. I held my breath. No deflating, but the cute lady in the pink hat was having a hard time cutting through the crust. She got a bigger knife. The bigger knife worked and they took out a small piece. Holly tried it. She didn't spit it out or even wince. In fact, she decided to have a second bite! Awesome! I looked at a nearby scoresheet to see how the pies were judged. Oh, crap, appearance counted! The other pies looked like they were posing for the cover of Martha Stewart Living, while ours looked like it had just come out of the EZ Bake oven. We were screwed!

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Holly tried the rest of the pies, then handed pink hat lady her results. The winners were announced and...we didn't win. A little disappointed, we decided to rough up the judge, but she proved too damn friendly to fight. "I saw that pie, and I thought, 'I just know that's the one from the guys in Philly.' I really wanted you guys to win." Holly added that she enjoyed the creativity of the bananas and the blueberry, and that they did a good job counterbalancing the tartness of the rhubarb.
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Shortly after speaking with Holly, we were introduced to the two ringers at the Bake-Off, Belinda "The Badass Baker" Myers (above, pink shirt) and "Cutthroat" Connie Shuff (They just went by Belinda Myers and Connie Shuff, I added the monikers myself). Belinda is a rhubarb dessert powerhouse, having won Best of Show in the Intercourse Bake Off in 1999, 2002, 2003, and 2005. But 2006 was Connie's Year, as she won Best Pie, Best Cake, and Best of Show, or what we like to call "The Triple Crown of Baking". Connie has been baking since before either Ken or I was born, while Belinda's been at it for "at least 11 years." They were amazed when they found out that this was our first ever pie, but as Ken said later, "I'm sure they think we're gay, and they think we mean our first pie together as a couple. I don't think they realize that this is our first pie ever EVER."
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I asked Connie if she had any pointers. "Well, first of all, I would suggest you use a pie pan instead of a cake pan." Everyone around us broke into laughter. Ouch, our first dose of humility on the baking circuit. But that's what I liked about these ladies. They were in it to win it, and they both carried a certain swagger. When I told them that next year we were going to make a triumphant return, Belinda just uttered, "Well, we'll be here." Belinda also said that she really wanted to see us at "Farm Show" which I think is kind of an "All-Stars of Baking" Competition. See, you have to win a county fair to be eligible for Farm Show. It's time for Ken and I to step up our game.
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Before leaving, we found out our score. We had finished with a 22, while Connie had won with a 26. We had only lost to Connie by four points! Notice had been served: There were some new kids in town, and they were ready to bake with the big dogs. Ken and I celebrated by going to lunch at Shady Maple, (the largest restaurant in the history of mankind, with a seating capacity 1,200. Seriously. 1,200 people. That's what it says on their website), and plotted our baking future. A baking future that will probably include another run-in with Belinda and Connie. And next time, we'll be bringing a pie pan.
Related: Belinda wins in 2005.
Related: A really interesting history of the rhubarb. Seriously.
Related: Johnny's trip to Intercourse in 2005.
Coming tommorrow: Johnny Goes to Camden!

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Sweet Peppers Win Lawyer Quizzo, Form Remarkable SIngle File Line

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A team known as the Sweet Peppers won a privately held quizzo at the Boathouse for Pepper Hamillton LLP on Thursday night then formed what Johnny called, "the most perfect single file line ever. I mean, they are equidistant apart, each turned at exactly the same angle. I've been doing this a long time, and I have never seen a line like that one." Johnny denied that he thought a member of an opposing team was cute, and that he grooved a Beverly Hills 90210 question in round one for her. "That is patently untrue, and I am sickened by the accusations. If I hear anyone else make accusations like those, they will be hearing from my lawyers...and my lawyers make perfect single file lines."

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May 20, 2006

Big Day Monday!

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Gonna have a bunch of stuff to write about when I return to the office on Monday. The trip to Intercourse was legendary, as you might suspect. Then, on Sunday, I'm hitting all the hot spots in Camden. I'll have exciting write ups on both endeavors on Monday. The above guys, by the way, were totally jamming at the Rhubarb Festival.

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May 19, 2006

BREAKING ::::::: JGT Tripping on Rhubarb

A text message has been received from Intercourse PA.
Johnny Goodtimes and co-baker Ken have received a 22 for their pie, the winner received a 26. The judge told them that their pie was "very creative." Johnny also said, "I think I've got baker's high."

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Ladies Love a Man Who Can Bake

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The night air is still. The pie cools in a nearby refridgerator. In a few hours we will find out once and for all whether Ken and I will pull off the greatest upset in pie baking since the Sioux City Shocker at the '84 Berry Jamboree. Like I said before, I'll try to post something from there, but the odds of a cyber cafe in Intercourse are about the same as me winning the pie baking contest, so you'll probably have to wait until at least Saturday. Speaking of Saturday, remember that I'll be emceeing at the ComedySportz Improv at the Adrienne. Shows are at 7:30 and 10 p.m., and it is BYOB. If you are looking for something to do today, my mom just joined Myspace and she needs some new friends, so hook it up. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a bake off to win.

The ladies above are from a team called Wire-tap that Ass tha played last night at the Bards. Once they found out that I was a baker, well, they simply couldn't keep their hands off me.

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May 18, 2006

Johnny Going Back for more intercourse!

It was last year this time that my buddy Ken and I headed out to Intercourse and found ourselves in the midst of the Rhubarb festival in what ended up being a legendary road trip. So this year, we are gonna return. And this year, there is an added attraction: We have decided to enter the Great Rhubarb Pie Bake Off! We were discussing it yesterday, though I was obviously kind of joking when I brought it up, considering I have never baked a pie in my life. Then this morning I got a voicemail from Ken, saying that he had made a crust and a pie filling the night before, and that all I had to do was to bake it. He's just that insane. So I went and picked it up, and am now preparing to bake my first ever pie. I'm sure it's going to go just great. We gotta head out first thing tomorrow morning, so heaven knows when I'll be posting again, but rest assured, when I do, I should have a legendary tale to tell. I'll bring my laptop with me manana, but I think the odds of a wireless cafe in Intercourse are fairly slim. Feel free to post below the odds of me and Ken winning the 23rd annual Rhubarb pie bake off. Also, post below any baking tips you have. Again, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing here.

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Philly Mag Bites the Hand that Feeds IT

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Philebrity, which usually tells you where you can go to find all the gals with striped knee socks and the guys who wish they were gay but aren't, tells a juicy story this morning about our good friends over at Philadelphia Magazine. It seems that Philly Mag posted a report about questionable sanitation in Stephen Starr restaurants on their website (though they did not author said report). Well, as everybody knows, Stephen Starr spends more money in advertising in Philly Mag per month than you spent on your entire house. And the next thing you know, our friends over at Philly Mag are yanking the report off their website and claiming the whole thing was a big misunderstanding. All things being equal, they could catch a 6 foot mutant cockroach at Morimoto and I would still eat there. Damn, that s*** is good.
Related: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

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May 17, 2006

Johnny, IN Obvious Attempt to Seem More Manly, Discusses Sports

Johnny Goodtimes, who was told to "sack up" after discussing Grey's Anatomy, began his day Wednesday discussing the Suns-Clippers series in an attempt to seem like less of a sissy boy. "Do you remember when we had Raja Bell on the Sixers, and he pretty much totally sucked?" said Goodtimes, trying to make it seem like he's "one of the boys". "Well, he has become the breakout star of this year's playoffs, going mano a mano with Kobe Bryant and shutting him down in round one, then scoring a ton of points against the Clippers, and then last night hitting an incredible three with one second left to send the game into double overtime. The Suns won in what has become a remarkably entertaining series, and now lead 3-2." Goodtimes then burped like a real man. "Just like everybody else, I have completely ignored the last few years of the NBA, as it became such a boring, watered down game. But these playoffs have captured my attention. The emergence of Lebron, the entertaining play of Steve Nash, the fact that the Clippers are still alive." At this point, Johnny slapped one of his male friends on the ass, in a very mannish, yet at the same time, very ungay manner.

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May 16, 2006

The Season Finale

Yeah, the two night season finale of Grey's Anatomy was pretty intense, although by the time it was done I was ready for a little break from the show, though a 4 month break might be a little much. The whole thing got a little too out of control and melodramatic by the end, but overall, I was pretty pleased. I had read that one cast member was going to be leaving at the end of the season, but I had Alex pegged as the one to go. I thought he would have a major showdown with Addison, but it looks like Izzie is the one to leave. Just as well. She was kind of hot, but she was a complete psycho. Wonder if they'll keep her on the show. I think the fact that Dr. Webber and Meredith's mom had an affair years ago is by far the stupidest storyline currently going, and would be much better suited for a 1 p.m. soap opera than on a show that's actually otherwise really good. Well, the long offseason will give me time to watch season one, which I still haven't seen.

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Johnny's Got Badfish Tix to give away

Yo peeps, I got a ton of free stuff to give away this week. I got comedysportz tix (see below) and I have tickets to go see Badfish. Now, if you were like me Sublime was one of those bands that helped provide the soundtrack to your life throughout college. Sadly, not many people got to see them live b/c the lead singer died of a drug overdose just as the band was starting to take off. But at the Troc on May 25th, you'll get a chance to chance to enjoy their music live, as Badfish performs.
Related: Check out Badfish on Myspace.

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Johnny to participate in ComedySportz this Saturday!

Hey gang, I'm gonna be playing the all-important role of Mr. Voice at ComedySportz on Saturday night. Comedysportz is a group of improv comics who really put on a great show at the Adrienne (2030 Sansom). If you haven't seen one of their performances, this Saturday will be a terrible opportunity to see them for the first time, b/c I will probably totally screw up the show. But you should go nonetheless, b/c at least it will give you a great chance to mock me. And to make sure that at least some of you go, I'm gonna be giving away a bunch of tix at this week's quizzo. There will be two shows, one at 7:30 p.m. and one at 10 p.m. Just friggin' go already.

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Question of the Week

Alright, I'm gonna steal my question of the week from last night's quizzo. John K. asked a question nobody got the right answer to, so I figured it would be hard enough to make the question of the week. I know what you're thinking, "Johnny, what are the ethical implications of outright stealing a question from another quizmaster?" And I will answer that, if I learned anything from last night's season finale of Grey's Anatomy (more on that later), it's that ethics must be compromised sometimes for love. I'm actually not sure how that ties in to this, but nonetheless, here goes, "What is the other official name of India?" I am not looking for Hindustan, which it is sometimes called, but is not an official name.

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I'd like to vote in today's primaries, but I can't. I'm registered Independant, so I'm not allowed to have a say in who runs for a variety of offices. To vote today, a person has to be signed on to one of the two bulls*** parties that are either a) brimming with spiteful ideas or b) incapable of forming an idea. I don't want to pledge my support to either of these two parties, but I guess I'll have to if I want to if I wanna be able to vote in any primaries. I mean, I understand why you have to be registered in the party to vote in primaries (otherwise Republicans would come out en masse to vote for weak Dem candidates, and vice versa), but it seems like there should be another option. I really don't want to align myself with the ineffectual Democrats, and the day I register as a Republican is the day I want somebody to show up at quizzo with a gun and take me out of my misery.

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Johnny Almost gets in fight at quizzo!

So me and Palestra Jon went to Dark Horse for quizzo, and these three people were beside us, including this one Irish guy who kept yelling out answers, albeit wrong ones. Now sometimes, when people's wrong answers are funny, such outbursts are allowable. But when somebody is just obviously trying to be an ass****, if gets tiresome. The quizmaster tried, to no avail, to get him to stop. Finally, we got to a multiple choice question, and he shouts out one of the three choices. One of his teammates calls his name out, "Jimmy." He turns around, a big drunken grin on his face. "Hey Jimmy," I say loud enough for most people at the bar to hear. "Why don't you quit being such a F****** DOUCHEBAG?!!!" There was a sort of gasp from the crowd. The quizmaster goes, "Calm down, Johnny." The guy angrily responds, "I heard that." I mean, what, of course he heard it, I said it right to him. So for the rest of the night he kept turning around and staring holes into my head. I didn't return his glares. My object wasn't to get into a fight, it was to get him to shut the hell up. And it worked. He never shouted out another answer. Man, I think I've got a little bit of Bobby Badtimes in me!

Posted at 9:51 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (13)

May 15, 2006

Headin' home

Yop peeps, I finished up my European trip on Viriginia's Eastern Shore, and am gettin ready to cruise back to Philly. I am looking forward to seeing everyone again this week. It was a long week without you guys. I hope you had a good weekend, and we'll be back to our normal frivolity tommorrow.

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May 12, 2006

Johnny Shocked to See Mayor McCheese at Taj Mahal

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My vacation through scenic Europe continued today, as I visited the Taj Mahal. I didn't even have time to change outta the clothes I wore yesterday! That's what happens when you travel all over Europe. Anyways, I was surprised that Mayor McCheese made an appearance in thus Hindu nation. I can assure you, it didn't go well. He was savagely beaten only moments after this photo was taken. Other than that, this part of the trip was great, although the appletinis aren't as good as they are in Egypt. I hope things went well with Bobby. He assures me that things are even better than I left them. That's great. Well, I'm looking forward to getting back to the states and seeing all of you next week. Boy, will I ahve some stories to tell!

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May 11, 2006


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Oh, you thought I was kidding when I told you there were sexy dames all over me this week? I don't lie, punks. So check out the evidence. I'm sure there will be even more dames rubbing their hands all over me tonight. I know you punks are jealous. You can like it, or you can hate it. But you better learn to love it.
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Now, I know that the winning teams are wondering when they are going to get their pictures up. The answer? Whenever I feel like putting your f****** pictures up! It might be today, it might be tommorrow, it might be next week. I could care less about your team. I'm only interested in broads. You're just gonna have to deal with it.
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Free Stuff

I'm going to be giving away tix tonight to see the exceptionally funny Eugene Mirman at the Trocadero on Saturday night. You can read about the show on this week's A-List in Philadelphia Weekly. I treat you people better than Johnny does. You know it's true.
Related: Eugene Mirman's website.

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Johnny Awed by Ancient Pyramids, needs your help

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Holy Cow! My tour of Europe continued today, as I toured the ancient pyramids of Egypt. Breathtaking! So much culture, such a rich history, such delicious appletinis! I tell ya, these bartenders here know how to make them. They say that they are inspired by Tutankhamen's own recipe! How cool is that? I hope things are going ok with Bobby. He says that "sexy dame" participation is at an all time high this week. I hope that continues when I get back. But let's face it, gals aren't as crazy about a guy when he doesn't have a permanent. Anybody got any suggestions for where I should visit manana? If so, type 'em below.

Posted at 11:21 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (4)

Help Da Kittens

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Hey, Bobby B. here. As you might suspect, the only creatures dat love me as much as women are kittens (you sick f**** were expecting a pussy pun here, weren't ya?). Anyways, I gets this email from the SPCA sayin't that they need your help. So give it to 'em, or face the consequences! Here's the deal. They got little kittens comin' in, and dey is catchin' diseases from cats with sniffles and colds. The kittens don't got a strong enough immune system to fight off the colds, and they die. What the SPCA wants is some people who can just take in a kitten for a week or two, until it's old enough and strong enough to fight off the cold. If you want more info on how you'se can help, or if you wanna adopt a pet, email Meghan at meghanfitz356@hotmail.com

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May 10, 2006

Ladies Love Cool Bob

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Yeah, so I caught a little buzz last night. Big friggin' deal. The narkotyzing Dysfunktion thought it would be funny if they ordered me my favorite drink. A Boilermaker (Depth charge variety). MMM-MMM, was it delicious. And by delicious, I mean it was the worst drink I have ever had in my life. Thanks a lot, you knuckleheads. As you might imagine, the ladies were all over me last night.
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No surprises there. I just can't tell if it's because of the permanent, or if it's my brusque charm. Probably both. To be honest, I did receive some boos last night, but I need even more. I don't think you people hate me enough. I'm gonna have to try harder.
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Johnny Climbs Mount Everest!

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Just one word to describe the view from the top of Everest: Awesome! This has always been a goal of mine, and this morning I said, "What the hell? Why not do it today?" Sweet! I hope everything went ok last night with Bobby. He told me that the women who played last night were all over him. That's great. Hey listen, I'm heading off to Africa this afternoon, so I'll send you a picture from there tommorrow. Bobby has to pick up my Spanish assignment, and by the time he's done hitting on my hot Spanish teacher and Aditi Roy, it'll probably be late afternoon. He'll talk a little about last night then, and he's promised me that he's going to make his case for his favorite player, Barry Bonds, on the website tommorrow. Hope everything is going well in the good ol' USA!

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May 9, 2006

The Debate continues

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Back in October, we got a lot of really good responses as to whether or not W was the worst president ever. Well, the topic came up again recently when Rolling Stone magazine did an article about it. Pretty interesting article.

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Johnny spotted at Eiffel Tower

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With Bobby Badtimes hosting quizzo this week, Johnny G. can enjoyed a well deserved vacation. Here he is enjoying the sights at the Eiffel Tower. "Bonjour! Boy, it sure is nice to have Bobby take over for a little while," said Goodtimes, "So that I can enjoy wine, women, and song in the city of eternal light, or love, or whatever it is."

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Question of the week

What team did Babe Ruth play for at the end of his career?

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Question of the week

What team did Babe Ruth play for at the end of his career?

Posted at 11:18 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

May 8, 2006

Taken out at the ballgame

Went to Phillies game last night, and sat next to a couple who were not only Giants fans, but who also had a sign which read, "We believe in you, Barry." The fans in my section were not pleased with these people. The man beside me, who was a bit older and balding, sat quietly as the fans chanted "Ro-gaine! Ro-gaine!" and also had to endure chants of "She's on steroids" aimed at his wife. The man made the mistake of standing up with his cardboard sign and then all hell broke loose. Somebody yelled something, then the man's wife yelled back, "Suck a d***!" Well, then this lady in front of her who had come with her kids started going nuts. Apparently it was ok for Phillies fans to scream obscenities, but not Giants fans. So now she and the GIants lady were screaming and the crowd was going absolutely wild. Security started flying in from all sides. The crowd began chanting, "Kick them out! Kick them out!" I thought they were kicking them out, so I told one of the security guards, "They've been taking a lot of s***."He said that they knew and that they were just going to move them to another section. The crowd, unaware of this, started singing the "shananana hey hey hey goodbye" song. Somebody dumped a beer on the dude, just because he had a freaking Barry Bonds sign. Philly sports fans, once again, jumped on the opportunity to make asses of themselves. It's one thing to chant. It's another thing to dump beer on somebody. Pathetic. Other than that, though, it was a great game. I've never seen a ball hit as high as the one Bonds hit. It was majestic, and for all the booing as we did all game, we certainly stood in awe of Barry's shot. The best sign I saw at the park? One which read "To boo list" then followed with a list of each of the following things checked off: "Santa, Kobe, Barry Bonds, Clubber Lang."

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May 5, 2006

Holy Freaking S***! Big Bobby Badtimes News!

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There are rumblings coming from Bobby Badtimes camp. Major rumblings. The type of rumbling that makes you wonder if your cities infrastructure can handle what is coming next. Though nothing has been confirmed, rumor has it that you are going to be seeing more of Bobby Badtimes next week. A lot more! A whole lot more! Details coming on Monday!

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I'm going to be honest. I'm a little disappointed with my performance on the gayometer. I'm only 40% gay. I thought I was a little gayer than that. Anyways, take it yourself, and feel free to post the results below.

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May 4, 2006

Odds and Ends

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I've had a ton of people ask me about the address to Tony's Pizza. It is 6300 Frankford Avenue. Yes, a bit of a trek, but well worth it. Also, the Man in Black is back. The Johnny Cash cover band will be playing as part of a cinco de mayo spectacular at Barrister's on friday night. In Anthony Dimeo news, this comes to us courtesy of my good friend D-Mac over at PhiladelphiaWillDo. Meanwhile, over at Philebrity, you can get a taste of the new Gnarls Barkley album. I like track number five. Alright, I gotta wipe away the cobwebs and get crackin' on this site. I got some quizzo results and a couple of pizza reviews coming soon. Oh, and about the 24 inch pythons in the picture above, a member of the JAMS brought in the actual ECW championship belt which he had won at a trivia competition recently, so I had to see what I would look like if I were a heavyweight wrestling champ. A champ who wears a lavender shirt.

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May 3, 2006

Yeah, About Those Flyers

sadflyer.jpgHey everybody, Johnny didn't see the last post so now he's texting me telling me to discuss the Flyers on the site. Like that's just what I want to do after last night's debacle. But hey, he's the celebrity, and I'm just living in his shadow so his will be done.
Man, what a courageous effort last night, eh? All that rhetoric about getting off to a fast start really came to fruition. But what can you do, Buffalo was the faster, better team, and they won. The big questions start now.

I believe Hitchcock and Clarke will both be back. Hitchcock wasn't able to get the most out of this team, but I'm willing to let him slide because of all the injuries and the personnel he had to deal with.
I'm also willing to let Bob Clarke slide a bit as well. The Flyers were in good shape heading into this first cap season despite traditionally having one of the highest payrolls in the NHL. The Flyers started the year with lots of young studs under contract, some good veterans and enough maneuvering room to land the likes of Peter Forsberg. That's a good start but Clarke certainly did make some mistakes this season. Primarily believing that adding a couple of hulking defensemen like Hatcher and Rathje would complete his defensive corp. I don't think anyone, even the NHL itself really knew what to expect this season. Sure there would be less hooking and holding, but how much less? Clarke took a calculated gamble that the game would open up but that there would still be room for tough rugged defensemen. After all, he had heard the talk before, even seen the calls early in the seasons, only to see the resolve fade as the season wore on. But it didn't happen this year, and as the playoffs started, the league reasserted it's crackdown. Calling more penalties than it had been whistling down the stretch. So Clarke's plan went awry. In hindsight he didn't need Rathje and Hatcher, one would have been enough. But when you look at all he's accomplished, I believe he deserves the opportunity to get himself out of this predicament.
And in order to do that Clarke will have to be at his best, convincing more than one team to take some of his high-priced defensemen and other veterans. If he can do this, he can add another scorer and build on his young forwards and mobile defense corp. With just a handful of shrewd moves the Flyers will be back among the elite in the NHL. Sadly they're still probably the likeliest Philadelphia sports team to next win a championship.

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Johnny Will Be Back Real Soon

Johnny had to leave you all (or as he says when he remembers he's from Virginia, "y'all") for some sort of lucrative corporate gig this morning. And now he's off to take Spanish class. In the meantime he asked me to entertain you for a moment or two.

So what do we have in the news today? Did you see this one? Turns out a solid 1/3 of Americans 18-24 could not find Louisiana on a map of the United States. And if that doesn't haunt you, how about that 60% of those quizzed couldn't find Iraq on a map.

Don't worry, Johnny will returning later this afternoon and he will be back to being a true man of leisure.

- Trivia Art

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May 2, 2006

odds and ends

It's fun to occasionally look at my web stats and find out what brings people to the website. For example, last month 85 people landed on johnnygoodtimes.com because they typed Bernadette Stanis into their search engine (the hottie from the show Goodtimes and former question of the week). 82 got here by typing in eazy e. I don't always believe this thing, though. For example, 73 people landed on my site after typing in Jesus. I can't imagine my site comes up real high on google when you type in "Jesus". 21 people got here by typing in Intercourse. Probably not what they were looking for. Other search engine requests that brought people to johnnygoodtimes.com in the month of April? Birthday spanking, tony toni tone, mexican police, claire huxtable, great asses, lazy sluts, von hayes devil, lay pipe, hitler personality quiz, stalin is good, eaten by a jellyfish, and wear your ass as a hat. Sounds about right.

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Question of the week

Cinco de Mayo commemorates the victory of Mexican forces led by General Ignacio Zaragoza in what battle?

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Juan Buenostiempos Announces Retirement

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In a shocking announcement this morning, Juan Buenostiempos, Johnny's cousin from south of the border and a well known and respected entertainer in Mexico (he's won numerous Latin Grammy's), declared that his RPS days are over. "Yo estoy finito," said a disconsolate Buenostiempos, who actually won two matches last night. But it was his behavior in his second match, where he nearly ripped the arm off of a female contestant and threw her into a table ("El fue un accidente," said an apologetic Buenostiempos), that turned the crowd against him and prompted his retirement. When the crowd began jeering, Buenostiempos shot them a double bird. He said "Lo siento" after the match was over, but the damage was done. Buenostiempos will head back into the studio, and is expected to record a song about his experiences on the American RPS circuit. It will be muy bueno.

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May 1, 2006

Did ya see this yet?

George Bush got roasted this past weekend at the White House Correspondants dinner, including a double who acted as his conscious. It was pretty funny. Check it out here.

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Happy Birthday Jam Master

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Jam Master Sean, local Rock Paper Scissors legend and quizzo host at the Dive, is turning the big 3-0 today. He will be celebrating by holding a littel RPS action at the Khyber. Come on out and party, then lose to me (I will be taking the title tonight) starting at 9 p.m.

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April 28, 2006

Bad Idea Jeans

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Johnny threw on his best pair of Bad Idea Jeans last night, and is currently paying the price. He was convinced to help celebrate Cheezy's birthday (far right) by slamming an Irish Car Bomb. Then moments after this took place, members of the winning team, who I'll post later, convinced Johnny to take another one. Reports say that Goodtimes "struggled mightily" to rise from bed this morning and "did not make the gym". He is scheduled to grab pizza shortly in East Falls.

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April 27, 2006

David Copperfield kicks total ass

I mean, the guy has a freaking gun pointed at his head, and he still pulls off a magic trick. And, let's face it, this guy is a millionaire. It's not that big of a deal for him to lose a couple hundred bucks. He just saw getting jacked as an opportunity to practice his craft! That would be like me getting a gun pointed at my head, and saying, "OK, I'll give you my money...if you can tell me which planet has moons named Phobos and Deimos!"

Another thing, have you heard about the Titanic sequel coming out this summer? It's gonna be really good.

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Odds and Ends

Headed over to Abilene's to do a comedy set last night, my first one in a while. It went pretty terribly, but I did get half off my taco salad or being one of the performers, so that was kool. Saw this band, called Big Pimp Jones, who were pretty good. Also saw a guy I'm gonna have perform at one of my shows at some point in the future called Keith From Up the Block. He's basically the Weird Al of hip hop, and the stuff he played last night was pretty funny. Looking to get my work done early so i can head out to the Phils game this afternoon. It was nice to win last night, but damn, can we get a freaking starting pitcher into the sixth inning? We could be watching one of the worst groups of starting pitchers in the majors in a while (Well, besides Rockies pitching every year, but they gotta pitch in the stratosphere, so it's somewhat excusable). They are really, really awful. Could be a long season.

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April 25, 2006

question of the week

Buffalo County is the poorest county in the country, as 70% of it's 2,000 peole are unemployed. In what state will you find it? (Beware, there are three Buffalo counties in the US, but obviously only one answers the question.)

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April 24, 2006

Pizza Reviews Tuesday

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Hey gang. I'm taking a road trip to Princeton today, just because I've never been. If anything exciting happens, I'll let you know. I have gotten a little bit behind in my pizza grading, so tomorrow I will catch back up, with reviews of four different places, including a new number one! Hope everybody has a great Monday. Oh, and if you didn't catch this video the other day of average homeboy, it's vital that you see it. He doesn't claim to be from urban areas. I think you'll just be blazed.

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Satan's Minions are Science geeks Supreme!

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The Satan's Minions knocked off the Milky Way Comet Out of Uranus, 98-96, in a packed Fels Planetarium on Saturday night. The Sofa Kingdom, who had cruised to victory in the first event held at the Fels, finished in third with 95 points. Johnny took the term "science" very loosely, much to the disdain of the science geeks in the audience. For example, Johnny honored the Body Worlds exhibit by doing a round about songs about the human body (to see what songs he played, click "continue reading..." below). But the final round was almost all science, and the Minions proved adept at it. The Minions won tickets to see the Phils, which, judging by the way they've been playing at home this season, might have been a more appropriate prize to give the last place team. Instead the last place team received a "My Little Pony" lollipop holder.

The overhead graphics were kool, but not quite as impressive as last time. Apparently the guy who usually runs the graphics also works for Comcast Sportsnet, and got stuck working there when the Flyers went to double OT. But I was assured that next time we do this, they will kick ass and that there is something else we can do on the dome that I'm quite excited about. But you'll have to wait until the next science spectacular to find out what it is.
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RELATED: Read about Science Spectacular in Today's Inky.

Round Three (Answers Below)
1. Every little Beat of My Heart
2. Legs
3. My Ding-a-ling
4. These Eyes
5. Flat Bottomed Girls
6. Can't Get You Out of My Head
7. Bad Liver and a Broken Heart
8. Brush Your Shoulders Off
9. These Arms of Mine
10. Kickstart My Heart

1. Hilary Duff
2. ZZ Top
3. Chuck Berry
4. Guess Who
5. Queen
6. Kylie Minogue
7. Tom Waits
8. Jay Z
9. Otis Redding
10. Motley Crue

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Ouch! Goodtimes Blasted By 9 Year Old In Inquirer

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Johnny Goodtimes took one on the chin in today's Inquirer, as the final line about the Body World's weekend read, "I've had a moment of boredom. We went to see that quizzo thing." It was said by a 9 year old named Shayna. Goodtimes vowed revenge. "Hey Shayna," said an angry Goodtimes, "The tooth fairy isn't real. It doesn't exist. Your parents put money under your pillow." Goodtimes then added that he thought Blue's Clues was boring.

Oh, and when I told the reporter I had groupies, I think she believed me. Anyways, results from Saturday night's contest, which hopefully you adults didn't find boring, will be posted later today.

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April 22, 2006

Tix only 75 cents!

Damn, just found out last night that tickets to tonight's quizzo spectacular are only 75 cents if you only wanna play quizzo and not see the rest of the museum. Starting at 9 p.m. IMAX tix are only 75 cents, so just tell 'em you want IMAX tix. Then, after quizzo, you are welcome to take in an IMAX as well. Don't worry, I'm probably not gonna get started at 9 p.m. on the dot. Also, rumors of Johnny rapping tonight are completely unfounded, so don't listen to them. Seriously.

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April 21, 2006

Science Gig Tommorrow Night

A'ight, it's on. Saturday night at 9 p.m. at the Franklin Institute. You do have to pay a nominal fee to get in (Eve: if you decide to attend, I will pay for your ticket-jgt). If you just wanna play quizzo, then you can just pay whatever the IMAX costs, which is really cheap. But I say, what the hell, if you're gonna be at the museum anyway, you might as well check out some of the other stuff first, so get a general admission ticket. And to answer the question I've gotten the most: yes, they will be serving booze!
Related: More info on Science Spectacular.

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Man, rough night last night. The team that finished next to last somehow talked me into playing a game called Strankfinger. You ever heard of this? It's horrifying. All the players put their finger on a glass of beer in the middle. Then the first player counts, "One two three" and then announces how many fingers they think will remain on the glass. The other players, after "three", decide whether or not to leave their finger on the glass. Once you guess correctly, you're out. The last player left has to drink out of the glass everybody's had their finger on. Uh, yeah, kind of gross. I totally kicked ass at this game.

Man, I got a lot of s*** to do today. I gotta post stories, grab pizza, and prepare questions for tommorrow. And all with a hangover. This life of leisure ain't all it's cracked up to be. Tonight, I might go to the Tucker Max party. I haven't decided. It's a fundraiser for his defense against Anthony Dimeo, who is taking Max to court.
RELATED: The Tucker Max threads that led to the lawsuit.

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April 20, 2006

What you are about to read is true

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Every word of it, including the quotes. That must be understood, right off the bat. The following is a work history of Willie Gee (above), a friend of mine from back home. It has been compiled by another friend of mine, Nat "the Truth" Jones. This is an accounting for of every job Willie has ever had, and the reason for his quitting or termination, or, in some cases, both at the same time. If you enjoy Henry Earl's arrest record, you're going to enjoy this.

1. Summer 1993 – Gardener A nice couple in Silver Beach hired this bright-eyed teen to tend to their prized garden while they took a well deserved summer vacation. Willie, in his first real work experience, “messed up the timers” and “everything died”. He was promptly fired upon the couple’s return home.

2. Summer and Fall 1993 - Gardener A gentleman named Donnie Walters, despite Willie’s history of ineptitude in the area of botany, decided to give the kid another crack at it and gave him the job of taking care of his garden. This job went on uneventfully for “a couple months” and then Willie quit. “He wanted too much for what he was paying,” Willie would later comment.

3. Summer 1994 – Camp Counselor Willie was recruited by the Hoods, teachers that he had relationships with for years in school, to work as a junior counselor at Camp Greenbrier for Boys in Alderson, West Virginia. Things were rocky almost at once. “I lasted the summer,” Gee would later state. “But I was told I could never come back.” Among the many things he did during his seven weeks at camp was covering children with shaving cream in the middle of the night.

4. 1995 – Cook and Dishwasher Willie worked at the Nassawadox restaurant Little Italy “for about 5 months on the weekends”. He was never a model employee; he was terminated after a dispute with Franco Nocera (owner and proprietor of said establishment) that ended with Willie giving the boss the finger behind his back but “in front of a bunch of other people.”

5. Summer 1996 – Ice Cream Scooper Willie scored a job at Confetti’s, an ice cream shop in Onley, Virginia for the summer. Willie always hated it. This was not a problem for too long as one day he “just stopped coming in”. The owners called after him a few times with no success in locating him.

6. Summer 1997 – Clam Digger Willie worked with Scott Webb and immediately hated it. The job lasted 2 months. During that period, Willie “skipped work a lot” and eventually was “cut from the rotation”. He reflects when prodded that there had been a massive argument that he had with his boss which “may have led to his dismissal”. “If the fight wasn’t a backbreaker in itself, it certainly didn’t help my standing there,” he said.

7. June 1998 to August 1998 – Clinch Valley College ‘Corporate Puppet’ Willie was a manual laborer for the summer at the college he was attending. He was reprimanded for making private calls on the job and when the summer ended he was “not invited back”.

8. Fall Semester 1998 – Computer Lab Worker Willie looked to go low profile this time around, accepting a job working at his college’s computer lab. He was ultimately fired for “stuff I didn’t do”, although he readily admits he had done similar things on other occasions and had not been caught. Fondly remembering the job, he reminisced that he “gave the code out to a lot of people who weren’t supposed to have it.”

9. Summer 1999 – Yard Worker Willie spent the summer with his friend Nat raking leaves and doing other odd jobs around Nat’s parents’ home. It “went OK,” Gee recalled. “There were no real incidents.”

10. Summer 2000 – Camp Counselor Willie took another stab at being a watchful mentor to impressionable youngsters with this colorful stint at Camp Silver Beach. He quit with a week left in the summer term, citing that he was “on a collision course with the administration there,” and “things were definitely heading in a bad direction.” Willie was later banned from the premises about two years later during a non-work related incident.

11. November 2000 – Roofer Willie helped Nat put a roof on a house. Neither of them had any experience doing this, but although sometimes things were tough they did build a good roof eventually. There were no reportable incidents stemming from this gainful employment.

12. October 2000 to March 2001 – Manual Laborer Willie worked at New Ravenna for an impressive five and a half months before he was finally fired. “It had been building to this for a while,” he said. “I was constantly in trouble, always being threatened with drug tests… I argued with the boss about something or other and they fired me.” Although it was a shame to lose the job, Gee does recall that he “bought a Q.P. the day I was fired and made decent money on it.”

13. April 2001 – Night Stocker This night stocking job at Food lion seemed as good a way as any to pay for Willie’s extravagant lifestyle, so he threw his hat in the ring. He worked there for just under two weeks before he quit. Greener pastures were calling him…

14. May 2001 to February 2002 – Hotel Desk Clerk Since Willie had demonstrated a mastery of social interaction in his past lines of work, it was an obvious transition into the service industry. He held this job for close to nine months; a record that would stand for several years to come. He was finally fired for letting his friend Terran have the secret access code and letting him behind the counter, all of which was caught on tape. Recalling that he had distributed a similar code at a former job in college, Gee mused “I guess you can’t keep a secret with me around.”

15. March 2002 to June 2002 – Hotel Desk Clerk Following the success at Best Western, Willie confidently dove into another job in a field he knew like the shady end of Virginia Street. It went well enough for about three months before “there was an argument and they told me to go home. Then they tried to say I quit when I tried to come back.” The story did have a happy ending, however. Massey was about to enter a new phase of his professional career. “After the dispute about me quitting or getting fired, we went to court. I won, and the next thing I knew… I was collecting unemployment.”

16. July 2002 to December 2002 and May 2003 – Unemployed During these stretches, Willie was able to achieve everyone’s true dream: collecting unemployment. “I was getting paid to do nothing. I really enjoyed this time.”

17. May 2003 – Restaurant Worker Willie worked at a fine establishment called Harry’s Barbecue briefly. He “liked it all right,” and “got paid under the table so the unemployment wouldn’t be an issue.” He was eventually forced to quit so he could continue to draw unemployment; he lied to his employer about the real reasons.

18. Summer 2003 – Construction Worker The small company A&R Construction hired Willie as a manual laborer in the summer of this year. It wasn’t a great experience overall. “It took forever to get paid, and we ran out of work because some Arabian guy was being a jerk. I ended up being banned from the restaurant he owned a little later on.” Looking back on it, Gee admits that he’s “pretty sure his boss was a crack head,” and that he was “almost certainly smoking our profits” which led to the delayed payments.

19. August 2003 to October 2003 – Store Cashier Willie dove back into the service industry when he took a job at GNC in the mall. Things went OK for a short while, but then he recalls “the new manager hated me.” Willie then “argued with another store’s manager,” which led to him quitting angrily. Things were not quite resolved, however. Willie confesses to “going back a few times and talking s***, as well as “calling the company a couple of times,” and “cussing them out.”

20. October 2003 to March 2004 – Store Cashier
Waldenbooks came calling and Willie was there to answer the call. The job went “fairly well,” and Willie “left under pretty good terms.” Gee does mention as an afterthought that “there was a little embezzling going on. The store was stolen from.”

21. March 2004 to May 2004 – Manual Laborer
Hired by Cherrystone Campground after a “job fair,” Willie looked to impress the brass with his tireless work ethic. “It was an awful job,” he said. “I could tell right away.” He was “verbally abused” by the higher-ups regularly, told on one occasion to “quit f****** around.” Willie responded to this command by demanding more money if he was “going to be expected to work this much.” This led to a prolonged verbal altercation in which Willie “cussed him out,” then “defaced my time card,” and stormed off the job. When he returned to get his check, he was not allowed on the premises. Infuriated by this turn of events, Willie muttered in a later interview that “If I didn’t have weed on me, I really might have fought him.” He was banned from ever setting foot there again. “They sent me a letter from the courts and everything,” he remembers. “They were serious about me not coming back.”

22. May 2004 to June 2004 – Waiter When the historic Eastville Inn underwent renovations and decided to open for business, the first order of business was to staff the place with a world class wait staff to treat their customers to a fine dining experience. Willie heard opportunity knocking and answered the door. Things were difficult right away; Willie “couldn’t understand the complicated menu,” and felt the place was “too fancy.” Before too long he was told he “wouldn’t be on the schedule anymore until further notice.” Once this message was delivered, Willie acknowledges that he “could read the writing on the wall. It was pretty clear.”

23. June 2004 to August 2004 – Potato Inspector Inspecting potatoes for the summer seemed a perfect way to chase the blues away. It went well “as far as work goes,” he said later. “It was pretty uneventful… not enough work, I guess.”

24. One Late August Day in 2004 – Manual Laborer Clayworks offered Willie a job, and he eagerly accepted, thinking he would be “working in a store or something.” In fact, he was assigned to a crew and went on to experience a day of dreaded manual labor. “I didn’t sign on for that,” Willie firmly stated when asked about it later. “I didn’t come back for a second day.”

25. August 2004 to February 2006 – Hotel Desk Clerk Getting his job back at Best Western was a lot like “winning the heavyweight title an two separate occasions,” Willie reminisces. This term of employment was unique in many respects. Willie had already been terminated from this establishment once before, he managed to keep it longer than any other job, and he managed to keep several other jobs at various times while at Best Western the second time around. During this second bite at the apple, Willie “had a fight with his boss” that ended with him “punching the door really hard.” He also was scolded more than once for “putting the NO VACANCY sign out,” which one would imagine was not great for business. In the end, he was fired because he was “accused of leaving the front desk too much,” during night shifts. “But the thing is, I’d been doing it the whole time,” he says. “They just decided to have a problem with it all of a sudden.”

26. October 2005 to January 2006 – Working With An Autistic Child Willie tackled this job with some degree of enthusiasm. “All I had to do was play with a kid,” Willie said. Employment ended abruptly when he was terminated for “being accused of possessing something that had crack-cocaine residue on it.” Gee adamantly denies this slanderous attack, saying he had left an article of clothing there and they had found a piece of plastic in it “with something whitish-brown on it.”

27. August 2005 to December 2005 – Teacher’s Aide Northampton County Schools needed a few new employees, and Willie pounced on his chance. Working as an assistant that helped special needs kids, things “went well for the most part.” Sadly, Willie was fired when the school finally got around to doing a background check on him and discovering he had a “marijuana charge” in his recent past.

28. March 2006 – Cafeteria Dishwasher Willie was inexplicably rehired by the good people at Camp Silver Beach, given an opportunity to wash dishes in the cafeteria. The guy who runs the camp “played basketball with me a few times, and saw that I was a hard worker. He mistakenly assumed this would translate into a strong work ethic.” As of the writing of this work history, Willie remains employed by Camp Silver Beach on a “very part-time basis.”

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Are you ready to rock?

"We knew that after last year... we could not afford to have a let-down," John Street told a crowd this morning on Independence Mall in announcing this year's "Welcome America" festival events for June 27 through July 4. (from Philly.com) No, we cannot afford a let-down after Live 8. So there was only one artist who could keep the momentum going, who could get this city as excited as it was last year, who could rock Philadelphia to the f****** core! And that artist is...Lionel Richie? What? Was Billy Ocean unavailable?

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April 19, 2006

Johnny in the Metro

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Hey, if you can't grab a copy, just click here for the PDF file. The story is on page 14. Judging by the placement of my photo, the editorial staff thought my story was more imortant than that of TomKat having a baby; a baby born...IN DEATHLY SILENCE!!!! In answer to a question I've gotten in hundreds of e-mails today (and by hundreds, I mean zero): yes, I will sign your copy of today's Metro at quizzo tonight.

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Johnny in Today's Metro

Johnny Goodtimes will be making another giant step towards his final goal of world domination today, as he appears in the Philadelphia Metro. "This brings me one step closer to being able to forget all the little people who got me this far," said Goodtimes as he did situps out in front of his house today.

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April 18, 2006

Johnny on tap to entertain for final weekend of body worlds

Johnny Goodtimes will be hosting a science (and we use the term "science" very loosely here at JGT, Inc.) quizzo at the Fels Planetarium (222 N. 20th Street) on Saturday, April 22 as the Franklin Institute celebrates the final weekend of the enormously popular Body Worlds exhibit. Here's the dilly, yo. To participate in what will be a quizzo event for the ages, all you gotta do is buy a ticket to anything going on at the museum that night. It does not have to be the Body Worlds exhibit. You can get IMAX tix or general museum tix if you want. Then join Johnny in the planetarium at 9 p.m. There will be plenty of stuff given away during the night's contest. Free museum passes, gift shop gift certificates, and even Phillies tickets. There have been no rumors circulating about Johnny rapping at this event. Oh, and yes, there will be booze for sale at this event. Lushes.

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Question of the Week

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Johnny's ex was asked to the prom by Tom DeLonge. He is a member of what crappy band?

**Johnny's days as a gangsta/dolphin trainer are behind him, but make no mistake: Johnny is from the streets.

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Odds and Ends

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First of all, congratulations to the Evil Miss Lovely, who won last night at Pabst Blue Ribbon Rock Paper Scissors City League Championship. Juan Buenostiempos (Johnny's unruly cousin from south of the border) went out in the first round, meaning that in the three sanctioned events he has been a part of, he has gone out in the first round each time. He is a pathetic RPS player.

After the match, there was a long, involved conversation about jumpability. Have you heard of this? It's the theory that somebody seems jumpable, and it is completely different than confident or looks. It's just this sort of intrinsic vibe that people either give off or they don't. A vibe that makes people want to jump their bones. Do you have it?

Finally, on a more serious note, I have a bit of a trashcan dilemma, and I need your advice. OK, so last year, this guy who lives next door to me stole my trashcan that I take out to the curb. So I bought a new one. The guy that stole it moved out, but the people who moved in have been using it. Well, last week somebody stole my new trashcan, and now I want my old one back. Can I just take it from them, or has it been grandfathered and is now their's? Should I leave a note on their door explaining my predicament? Please give me your advice.

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April 17, 2006

5 Quick Questions with...Johnny's Ex!

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Now I know what you're thinking..."Johnny, you can not possibly be so self absorbed that you are putting interviews with your ex-girlfriend on your website, thinking that we really give a s***"... Wrong. I am that self absorbed, and you do give a s***!

Colby and I met in Hawaii in 1999. She was on vacation, but was won over by the Goodtimes charm and soon moved out to the 50th state. We dated for 3 1/2 years, and actually made it all the way to Philly together before we broke up. She never really liked the city life, and now lives in the woods in North Carolina. Just like the Olympic bomber. Anyways, we have remained friends, and I am happy that she is doing well. Here are her five quick questions...
What music do you have in your collection that you are a little bit ashamed of?
I am ashamed of nothing. I listen to it all and love it all, especially my women folk collection that you hate.

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What are a couple of things about Goodtimes that you know but that people who read this website don't know?
That you are just a big softie....a big teddy bear of a man who can watch at least one chick flick....High Fidelity.
You don't still like Dave Matthews, do you? (Her liking of Dave Matthews was what essentially led to our breakup)
Yes. I still like him. He is classic and I will always like to listen to him.
Our next question is multiple choice. Am I a) the hottest guy you've ever gone out with b) the koolest guy you've ever gone out with or c) the hottest, koolest guy you've ever gone out with?
You are the koolest and hottest guy ever. I am sure you are much more hot now than when we went out.
Wait, was that sort of a backhanded compliment? Anyway, the final question is the one everybody's been waiting for. Is it true that one of the guys in Blink-182 asked you to the prom?
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I thought we talked about this like 80 times already. Tom asked me. I did not go with him because I was already going with someone else. Me and Tom did not dance because I hardly got to my prom on time. We were friends, that is about it. They were a band, a very small one at that. They handed out homemade tapes for friends to buy for $5. So i did. Wish I still had it. They played at some local places and I went to see them when like, only 10 people were there.

So there you have it, folks. The guitarist for Blink 182 didn't quite make the cut, but JGT did. At least for a while. And you people thought I wasn't a rock star. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Posted at 6:16 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (3)

Rumor Mill Buzzing!

There are rumors that Ric Flair will be upstairs at the Khyber tonight to play rock paper scissors. This is, as of now, only a rumor. Johnny will definitely be there. Kick off is at 9 p.m.

Posted at 4:10 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

The Fam

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My mom and dad came down this weekend, and a fine time was had by all. We went to Pod on Friday night, where the food was pretty good, but it was way too loud. You had to scream to talk. My dad got off a pretty good line. I said, "It's way too loud here. This would be a terrible place to take a first date." Without missing a beat, my dad said, dryly, "Yeah, but it's perfect place to take somebody you've been married to a long time." On Saturday, we had lunch at Penang, one of my favorite restaurants, and on Sunday we went out for pizza, which I will tell you about soon when I get written report from them. Yeah, my parents hobbies are essentially the same as mine. They consist of: eating.

Posted at 8:36 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (4)

April 14, 2006

Next week to be best week ever!

This is it. Next week is gonna be the Best Week Ever. Bobby Badtimes returns, my parents review pizza, I interview an ex-girlfriend who got asked out to the prom by the drummer of Blink-182, and then, on Saturday, I return to the Franklin Institute for another Science Quizzo to help celebrate the closing weekend of Body Worlds. Those of you who attended last time know what an incredible time we all had, and if you missed it then, do not miss it this time. I am telling you , this is unlike any quizzo you have ever attended. I hear they have all new designs for the between rounds ceiling show, which last time was absolutely mind blowing. I will have more details on this show next week.

Posted at 2:07 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

We Raised Over $250 for the Urban Blazers!

Hey gang, wanna thank you all for donating a buck apiece to a noble cause. Thanks to huge crowds at quizzo this week, we were able to raise $255 for the Urban Blazers. But I hope that some of you are willing to go a step further and join me in volunteering for this organization. To volunteer, or to learn more about volunteering, click here.

Posted at 1:27 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

The Haps

Hey peeps. I got more stuff to post in a little while, but I just wanted to let you know about this thing going on tommorrow night that looks awesome. I don't know if I can make it because my moms and pops are in town, but I would highly suggest it if you're looking to do something a little different. Remember those guys who put on that incredible breakdancing show for Beat the Champs? Well, they are gonna be competing in a major breakdance competition on Saturday at the Polaris.

Posted at 12:12 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

April 13, 2006

odds and ends

Yo peeps, I got Spanish class today, so i gotta go do my homework, but i'll be back this afternoon and post a bunch of stuff, including the results of last night's challenge at the Vous, the collapse at the Black Sheep, and a couple more pizza spots I've hit. In the meantime, if you've got 10 minutes to kill, watch the 10th inning of game 6 of the 1986 World Series-as performed by RBI baseball. Pretty amazing. Also, very special birthday wishes being sent out to quizzo player Clare P., badass Thomas Jefferson, and my main man Lou Bega.

Posted at 10:39 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

April 12, 2006

Questions at the Vous will be extra hard

I think a couple of big name teams are coming to challenge the Jams tonight at the Vous, so the questions will probably be a little harder than usual. Just thought I would give fair warning. Remember, if anyone beats the Jams, they get not only the gift certificate, but $20 cash from Johnny. There are rumors of both the Champs and the Sofa Kingdom making appearances. If you ever wanted to chance to match your wits against the best of the best, tonight is your chance. And yes, the Jams will get the $20 extra bucks if they win.

Posted at 2:29 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (5)

Odds and ends

This comes from Dan Gross in today's Daily News. It's about a guy who's trying to raise finances for a movie he wants to put together: Mazzotta says that among the guests will be David Proval (Richie Aprile in "The Sopranos"); Johnny "Roastbeef" Williams; Doylestown's "American Idol," Justin Guarini; Abe Vigoda, and other actors. The $100 ticket includes a buffet, wine and beer, and a performance by Guarini. Wow, I get to see Justin Guarini live for only $100? Holy cow! Why don't you up it to $125 and see if you can get Snow? By the way, the photo above is of Johnny "Roast Beef" Williams. There are rumors that Philly's favorite quizmaster is changing his name to Johnny "Corned Beef" Goodtimes, but that has not been confirmed.

I posted a new poll on the right side, so vote when you get a chance.

In a political realm, I came across this write up about the threat of a nuclear attack on Iran via Blinq. It's kind of long, but I think it's worth the time. With Bush's poll numbers at an all time low, I suspect that this talk of nuclear war is a way of getting the "base" excited. "Hell yeah, let's blow stuff up," they're saying right now. "Let's drop them nucular bombs on 'em. That'll put 'em in line. Now toss me another Budweiser and pump up that Toby Keith."

Posted at 9:34 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

April 11, 2006

My doppelganger

There's this thing that scans your face and then tells you what celebrity you look like. I apparently look like Haydn Christensen, which sucks because I think he looks like a doofus. Also, I have better hair. You have to sign up for this thing, but it only takes a second and it's pretty funny. The celebrity who came up the second most like me was Enrique Iglesias, then John Ritter.

Posted at 10:37 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (5)

Quizzo for the Cause

Alright gang, this week we're going back at it with Quizzo for the Cause. This month's cause is the Urban Blazers, a group that provides "opportunities for urban, under-served young people to participate in outdoor activities that will stimulate the development of confidence and self-esteem and generate an understanding and appreciation for nature and physical fitness." I will not only be looking for the $1 donation, but I will also be asking you to consider volunteering for this cause.

I think Philadelphia is at the crossroads. We can either become a world class city, or we can be just another place with a few good restaurants and bad pro sports teams. I'd prefer to live in a world class city, and I think that the only way that is possible is by us doing our part to make it such. I think that getting involved in programs like this are a great way to help the city head in that direction. I hope you guys will think about getting involved.

Posted at 10:22 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Question of the Week

Many people think that Shakespeare was actually the 17th Earl of Oxford. What was his name?

Posted at 10:15 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

odds and ends

Hey peeps. You missed a hell of a night of Rock Paper Scissors at the Khyber last night. It was damn fun, although I was eliminated in the first round. It came down to the last throw. I had tried to psyche out my opponent, telling him I was going to throw scissors, which I then did. He threw them also. I then told him I was going to throw paper. I thought he would believe me and throw scissors. Then I would double back and get him with rock. But he was apparently hip to my game, as he shocked me with paper and sent me off a loser. The bartender made an amazing comeback in the finals to win.

In other news, voting has begun for Daneen and Graham. Please vote for them for the 10! shows ultimate wedding.

And finally, a happy birthday to former Roman Emperor Septimius Severus. I don't know anything about him, but his name sounds funny, especially if you try to say it with a lisp.

Posted at 9:49 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

April 10, 2006

Rock Paper Scissors League Starts tonight

Jam Master Sean, aka C. Urbanus, is known for more than just hosting quizzo at the Dive. He also runs the local RPS league, which kicks off tonight at the Khyber at 8:30 p.m.. JGT might make an appearance, though there are rumors that Jam Master couldn't meet Johnny's appearance fee ($5,000 standard). So far, not a single event organizer in Philly has met Johnny's fee. Johnny, as you may remember, hosted the first annual Keystone Classic. But enough about Johnny, read more about the new league after the jump:

The Philadelphia Rock Paper Scissors Championship Series Planning Committee is
pleased to announce that the Pabst Blue Ribbon Philadelphia Rock Paper Scissors
City League Championship Series will begin play on April 10, 2006. This event
is fully endorsed by the World Rock Paper Scissors Society
(http://www.worldrps.com/), the governing body of the sport throughout the
world. The PRPSCLCS is pleased to welcome Pabst Blue Ribbon as the Title

Pabst Blue Ribbon has become a strong supporter of local RPS action throughout
the country, sponsoring events in several markets. Unlike some previous
sponsors of the sport, Pabst strongly believes in allowing RPS enthusiasts to
coordinate local tournament affairs. The 2006 PBRPRPSCLCS will be presided
over by well-known U.S. player, referee, and organizer Mr. C. Urbanus, who will
be on hand to assure that the integrity and local flavor of the sport are kept

The PBRPRPSCLCS will take place at a variety of venues throughout the City
every Monday through Thursday beginning on April 10th. The season will
culminate in the PBR RPS City League Championship Invitational on June 17th,
where the City League Champion will take home not only this prestigious title,
but also a trophy and $1,000 in prize money. In addition, over $1,000 worth of
prizes will be awarded to the champions of nightly events.

Players will be invited to attend the PBRPRPSCLCS Championship based on the
amount of "player points" they have earned during the proceeding nightly
competitions. Players are awarded 1 point every night simply for participation,
and additional points are awarded for each victory that evening. The top 64
competitors at the end of the season will be invited to compete for the
PBRPRPSCLCS Championship title. In addition to their City League points,
winners of the nightly tournaments will receive a gift
certificate to the venue hosting the event along with a City League t-shirt
and, of course, the envy of all of their friends, family and fellow competitors.

For more information regarding the PBR Philadelphia RPS CLCS please visit
www.rpscityleague.com or www.myspace.com/rpscityleague. The websites provide a
full schedule, scoring procedures, mailing list sign up, rules and information
about the "street RPS" tournaments that will be held simultaneously for a
chance to win even more points and prizes.

Posted at 11:45 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

April 7, 2006

hey yo

Heading out to take a friend to the airport, then I gotta grab some pizza for lunch. I'll be back in the office (by office, I mean the dingy little room in my house that has a computer) this afternoon to work on stories and pizza reviews. Until then, learn a few things about the Iran Contra affair. Just because.

Posted at 11:05 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

April 6, 2006

Happy Birthday Billy Dee

Hey, today is Billy Dee's Birthday. In honor of his borthday, I implore you to take the Billy Dee Williams Smoothness Test. Actually, it's nto nearly as funny as it should be. And remember, before there was Billy Dee, there was John Q. Adams.
RELATED: It's also Zamfir's birthday! Zamfir rules!

Posted at 6:06 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Traffic Court

Hey gang, not gonna get much done on the site today. First I had pizza with an old friend, which I'll write about tommorrow, and now I've got to go to traffic court. All the while I gotta get questions done for tonight. Anyways, I was kind of excited when I got a comment from Angelo Cataldi yesterday on my MySpace account, saying, "Johnny, good to hear from you, pal. I like your shirt, its beautiful, just beautiful..." Well, I shoulda smelled something fishy when a former sportswriter didn't give his s an apostrophe. According to Dan over at Blinq, it's all sham.

Posted at 3:18 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Quizzo Winners on 10! show

First of all congratulations to two members of La Salsa Caliente, Graham "Don't Stop Believin'" Baird and Daneen Stamps, who are engaged to be married. Well, the 10! show (greatest episode ever: February 1, 2006) is having a contest whereas they are going to feature five couples, and the one who gets the most votes gets an all expenses paid wedding. Daneen and Graham will be featured on tommorrow's show, which airs at 10 am. Voting commences tomorrow at 11 a.m. I'll throw a link up when voting starts. Now, I know what you're thinking: Johnny with your contacts at the 10! show, why aren't you involved in this contest? Great question. Well, I had resigned myself to being an old maid. That is, until I fell in love with fruit salad.

Posted at 10:20 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

April 5, 2006

Gayle Force Wins

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The Alterna Servers proved to be a force at O'Neals on Sunday, in a private party that inspired Johnny to post his worst pun headline ever. The party was for the employees of Gayle (617 South 3rd Street), a Queen Village restaurant that opened a few months ago to rave reviews. The alterna servers included Ed "Nails" Galluzo, a former member of the notorious Western Omelette.
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Posted at 4:51 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Hey gang

I gotta go study Spanish. In the meantime, read here about a dude who thinks that the cure for all of our current problems is to eliminate 90% of the current human population. I found thsi story on my buddy Donald's Imploding America website. Oh, and a happy 42nd birthday to Kid of the dynamic duo Kid n' Play (he's the one with the tall hair). Johnny claims he can do that dance move where you hold your left leg in your hand and jump over it with your other leg, but I'm not sure I believe him.
Related: Kid n' Play "Gettin Funky"

Posted at 10:42 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

April 4, 2006

Peep Me On MySpace!

Yo, y'all can check me out on MySpace. I've been on there for a while, but I wanted to get some friends added before I told you people about it so you wouldn't think I'm a loser. If you wanna be MySpace friends, just holla!

Posted at 1:56 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

Congratulations Stacie!

Stacie was the winner of the 2nd annual JGT Bracket Spectacular by virtue of having UCLA in the final game. I don't think anyone in our pool had Florida in the Final Four, much less winning the whole thing. As for me, I felt kind of bad for winning last year, so I decided I would do really, really poorly this year. Mission accomplished! I finished 28th out of 37 teams. Peep My Popesack finished in last with a 33. She did not have a single team correct in the final 8. My favorite team name of the whole thing was "The Knicks Are an 11 Seed". Stacie wins a $50 gift certificate to Barrister's. We'll have to have some sort of tiebreaker for 2nd, as Niederdeppe and Pauly O both finished with 70.

Posted at 12:55 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (4)

Question of the Week

For what is former University of Florida student Paul Tibbets best known?

Posted at 12:37 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

April 3, 2006

Where to Watch the Game?

Well, after a terrific tourney followed by the worst two final four games ever, here's hoping that the final game is a good one. Best place to watch the game? I say Barrister's. They've got $3 Bud Light and Miller Lite drafts, the Miller Lite girls are gonna be there, and there is a drawing to give away a Sirius radio!

Posted at 1:01 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

March 31, 2006

The latest from Nolan

Remember Andy Nolan, the guy who wrote all the great obits I told you about a few weeks ago? His latest was delightfully simple, coming with the headline, "Caspar the Friendly Ghost". It read, Weinberger's in Paradise.

Posted at 3:24 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Damn, yo

My nose was stuffed up when i got up this morning, so I took an antihistamine, and I went down like I was shot by a freaking cannon. Anyways, just got up out of bed. Thank goodness I don't have a job! Well, now I'm going out to Dolce Carini for pizza. I'm still waiting to hear from my pizza partners on Wednesday and Thursday, so I'll have my reviews of them up as soon as possible. And yeah, I gotta throw up stories for this week's winners. I'll get all that stuff done after lunch.

Posted at 1:14 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

March 30, 2006

Quick Bit

Me and Trivia Art just met up with some of the guys from Sofa Kingdom for pizza at Pizza Rustica. I'll probably have a review tomorrow, but in the meantime, I wanted to pass along the following conversation. The topic of Club Wizzards had come up b/c I had a bunch of ones on me.
Sweeney McSweeney: I had a roomate who used to be a stripper there.
Koob: Yeah, she ended up marrying the guy who hosted quizzo at the New Deck. Not Pat, but one of the guys who did quizzo for him.
JGT: So there is hope for a guy like me.
Koob: Oh, no, this was a psycho Japanese chick.
JGT: (deadpan) So there is hope for a guy like me.

Man, sometimes I am just too damn funny.

Posted at 4:26 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (4)

Hilary Swankie reports from DC

Things on the DC quizzo scene haven't gotten much better. Here's the latest from former Philly playa Hilary Swankie:
So we were pretty excited about this quizzo because it's just blocks from where we all live. Unfortunately, we are going to need to suck it up and go to places far from home because it was the WORST QUIZZO EVER. They don't supply pens. We had to ask for a pen and the guy handing out score sheets looked totally annoyed that we would even ask. They rejected our first name because it "wouldn't fit on the score sheet" that was posted above the bar. The host (not the guy handing out score sheets, scoring, etc) was not funny. Period. (By the way, obviously hosting quizzo is a lot more difficult than I realized in Philly because everyone here seems to have multiple hosts/helpers.) There were 8 rounds. I thought 7 was bad last time. The first round was math questions. Could be reasonable MAYBE if it was multiple choice. But instead the gave us definitions and we had to tell them the mathematical term. We got 4 out of 10. It's not a good idea to start with a totally impossible round to make us feel really stupid and bitter immediately. I wanted to leave. The host was not funny. (It is worth saying again.) Just totally ridiculous questions. We came in last place. **Things started getting hazy around round 2 already because we started drinking heavily to make up for the miserable 2 more hours that we were about to endure. You need to come down here and do a quizzo hosting training.

Posted at 11:56 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

March 29, 2006

The Greatest Email Ever

OK, so I posted a couple of things about a local rapper named Chase Millionz, posting a couple of funny stories about how the Jams were big fans of his. Click here to read Story #1 and Story #2. So you can imagine my excitement when I went to check my computer this morning and received the following e-mail: Hey man, I saw your two articles on 'Chase Millionz'. Too damn funny. How did you know that I rap? I'm sending you a few of my songs. If you like them, feel free to play them anywhere you want. If you have any other questions, let me know. Keep doin' how you do! You're the best!!!

That's right, an email from Chase Millionz himself! This makes it official. Johnny Goodtimes and Chase Millionz are hereby joining forces to take over this city, and johnnygoodtimes.com is now your official quizzo and Chase Millionz headquarters. Here's his myspace profile, on which you can hear him rap! If you scroll down a little bit you can check out some of his other tunes. Johnny Goodtimes: Just Doin' How He Do. I think I've got a new motto.

Posted at 4:50 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Yo peeps

2nd straight post quizzo shutdown of the Bards. Bad idea. I forgot the plumber(not nearly as cute as the cleaning lady) was coming in first thing this morning. Ouch, I'm exhausted Now, I gotta go study my Spanish and then have pizza with a rather attractive local celebrity. I'll try to get that review up this afternoon, but if not, I'll have it tommorrow. I gotta give you my Lazaro's review today. In the meantime, read here about the confrontation between Alec Baldwin and Sean Hannity. And the Philly Film Festival is coming soon, so figure out which films you wanna see. Last year, Bobby Badtimes saw a collection of experimental short films. Do not do this! It was his worst filmgoing experience ever.

Posted at 9:53 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

March 28, 2006

Hey gang

Finally got around to watching Crash last night. Pretty damn good movie, I thought. Was it Oscar worthy? I dunno, what is Oscar worthy? I mean Titanic won 11 Oscars, and that was the most overwrought piece of waste ever put on celluloid. The guy at the Blockbuster (who had the SWEETEST waxed moustache) didn't find it worthy. He said that other than Matt Dillon, everybody sleptwalked through their parts. I didn't think so. I thought it maintained a high level of tension throughout, and hell, even Sandra Bullock didn't suck in this movie, which is a first for her. Yeah, there were definitely some overdramatic moments towards the end, but overall, I would highly suggest you watch this flick. Now, I'm heading over to Lazaro's and then getting my hair cut off.

Posted at 1:57 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (8)

Question of the Week

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Who was the first ever rapper or rap group to have an album go diamond (sell 10 million copies)?

Posted at 1:24 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

JGT Likes the Gamecocks win at Sports Quizzo

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JGT Likes the Gamecocks won the sports quizzo held on Sunday at Barrister's, missing only one question in the entire game. Of course, you might recognize a couple of the faces. They are members of The Champs, two time Quizzo Bowl champions. "Hey Johnny," asked Smooth Rob S. after the contest, "I wonder if you could host a quizzo with a theme like 'Obscure 19th century Bikers'. That way we wouldn't automatically win. Ah, nevermind, yeah we would."

Posted at 12:56 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

March 27, 2006

A first

For the first time in my life, I hired a cleaning lady. Yes, I think that makes it official. I am one of the elite. (Of course, the other way of looking at it is, my house got so out of control messy that I needed professional help). Regardless, wow, the place looks a hell of a lot better. And speaking of looking good, the cleaning lady herself was pretty damn cute. She's a Mexican who doesn't speak much English, so that gave me a great chance to work on my Spanish. Finally, a chance for me to get shot down by a girl in a completely different language! (Sure, I have failed with Mexican women before, but not while speaking their language.) Anyways, I am going to celebrate my clean house by taking a walk in the park on this glorious day (Alas, not with the cleaning woman). But I'll be back tommorrow with results of the Barrister's Sports Quizzo, and I'll get back on the pizza train tommorrow as well. Heck, I'll even throw the winners of last week at the Dive up on the site.

Posted at 2:52 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

March 24, 2006

Aw Schnap!

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Man, I got a ton of work to do this afternoon. It's almost like I'm turning into...into one of you people. It's almost like Philadelphia's only true man of leisure has...a REAL JOB! Then again, part of my job consists of eating pizza. So not really. Speaking of pizza, I am heading off to Mama Palma's. When I return, I will have a review of Mama's and NYPD Pizza, where I ate yesterday. Plus I'll be doing the stories of this week's winners. And recovering from this nasty hangover.

Posted at 12:19 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)


Wow, what an amazing night of basketball. First, me and pretty much every guy at Good Dog quizzo ran upstairs after round three to see the end of the Duke game, a game that was enjoyable because those dirty dogs didn't just lose. They quit. My boys from West Virginia did not quit, however, making a stirring comeback in the final 20 seconds that concluded with my main man Pittsnogle, bloodied but unbowed, hitting a three with 5 seconds left. The crowd at the Bards went wild, and I jumped into the air and then took off running with my fist pumped. I turned and looked back at the screen, however, in time to see that kid from Texas hit that ridiculous three pointer at the buzzer to dash my hopes and my bracket. It reminded me so much of Lucas hitting that three against St. Joes. I was trying to regain my emotional equilibrium, trying to come to grips with the fact that I would never see Pittsnogle in a West Virginia uniform again, when all of a sudden the Gonzaga game got interesting. UCLA made a miraculous comeback (actually, a more apt description would be total choke by Gonzaga). UCLA with the steal and layup, the Bulldogs getting off a last shot that would have won it. No good. Adam Morrisson falling to the ground in tears. Man, this is the best month of the year.

Posted at 10:05 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

March 23, 2006

Sports Quizzo on Sunday!

Johnny is going to be hosting sports quizzo on Sunday, March 26th at Barristers (1823 Sansom) at 8 p.m. All questions will be sports related, with a $40 gift certificate going to the winner and $20 for 2nd place. There will be $4 Victory Hop Devils and 25 cent wings. Barrister's also has drink specials and five flat screen TVs to watch the NCAA tourney games in the next few days. Hope to see you on Sunday.

Posted at 4:29 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

March 22, 2006

Be Back Later With Pizza Reviews

Hey gang, got to head off to Spanish class. But I'll be back later today with pizza reviews of Joe's and Lorenzo's. In the meantime, click here to watch Celebrity Jeopardy.

Posted at 10:57 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

The Passing of One of My Favorites

The website will return to it's normal revelry in a little while, but first off today I wanted to note the passing of one of my favorite players. Ken Schober is doing one of two things in the above photo, I'm quite sure. He is either laughing his loud, wonderful laugh or he is preparing to chastise me for not asking any opera questions. Of course, once he was done chastising me, he would make a flippant remark to let me know he wasn't serious and then, of course, begin laughing again. I don't remember any encounters with Ken that didn't include that deep, loud laugh. I am going to miss it. A couple of his teammates on Duane's World supply their memories of Ken (who, depite his jovial demeanor, took quizzo very seriously) below.

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You've known ken from other quizzo bars so you know his attention to detail. You know that he spoke loud, laughed alot, researched his almanac every week and tried to guess what topics you might ask about from week to week. The last funny story I have on him is that on your multiple choice questions, he was convinced there was a pattern. For several weeks, the right answers were either A or B. Actually, the last night he played there was a question that none of us were really sure of but we guessed it was A. Then he launched into his theory and insisted that it had to be C or D because it had been A or B for several weeks. He kept going on and on about this theory and we said "Ken, hand the sheet in! We don't care! Change it to C if you think it's right!" But he kept going
on and on about his theory and finally I grabbed the sheet and handed it to you as you walked by, just to end it! Well, his theory was right that night. We had put A. he had said it was C. And he was right. Afterwards, he told you never to take the sheet from anyone else but him. Unfortunately, that was to be his last night playing quizzo. -Duane

Ken organized and was the leader of the "Duane's World" team. He once told me that JGT Quizzo was the most important social event he regularly did. Ken had once run his own quizzo in a bar where I tended and he worked the door. He hoped it would make slow Tuesday nights pass more quickly. After our shift, I remember going over potential questions with him; Always at hand, a world almanac. Now, most of the "Duane's World" team owns one.
I remember the night a young man forgot the quiz host's other job. He would repeatedly shout out, sometimes correctly, the answers to the questions. Finally, Ken the quizmaster had enough, set down his papers and using his six-four frame of 235lbs dragged the lad through the bar and out the door.
Ken loved to anticipate JGT's questions, researching events that occurred in the past near the day of each week"s Quizzo. One night, almanac in hand, he quizzed the team about the state of Utah, certain he had nailed JGT's wild card round for the week. The look on his face when JGT announced that the wild card round would be about the state of Alaska was one I will always remember. Weeks later, when JGT asked which state was nicknamed the "Bee-hive State" the whole team laughed and knew the answer. Yes, Ken will be greatly missed. -John

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March 21, 2006

Aw Schnap!

I almost forgot to mention that my dawg (K-Fed in the hizzouse, yo!) is turning 28 today. That new album is gonna drop next munf, and den we'll see where all y'all haterz is at, boyyyyyyyyy! Word to ya Mutha.

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Odds and Ends

Played quizzo at the Dark Horse last night with Palestra Jon, the lovely Ginger, and her boyfriend. A sad performance, as I missed, "Who said that religion is the opiate of the masses?", a question I've probably asked ten freaking times (I wrote Nietsche, the answer is Marx.) Our team name was Dick Cheney: The Fat Montgomery Burns. After a little research this morning, I found out that I wasn't the first one to come up with the striking resemblance between the two. Here's a photoshop done in Cheney's debate with John Edwards.

As stated previously, I am currently in 25th place in the bracket contest. Are you brackets screwed? Here is a really funny music video called "Bracket Man", that will make you feel better for doing your research and still sucking. Also, it should make you feel better to know that Sports Illustrated had Kansas in the Final Four (they lost in their first game). Thanks to Todd for sending in Bracket Man. Oh, and finally, congrats to DJ Chris R for having the best set list. He wins the $40 gift certificate to the Devil's Alley.
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March 20, 2006

The Bracket Standings

JGT, employing a strategy that entailed trailing early and then coming back in dramatic fashion, is in 25th place out of 37 teams after the first week of action. He had dropped to 35th on Saturday, but still has 7 of his Elite 8 still in play. Here are the top ten.
Niederdeppe 50
Last Place was Last Year 47
Pittisin2006 46
Boobies 45
Odabashian 45
Knicks are an 11 Seed* 45
Artist Philosopher Engineer 45
Team LBI 44
Peep my Pittsack 44
6 teams tied for 10th.

*My favorite team name in the tourney.

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Jam Master Sean Continues World Domination

Johnny is fuming with jealousy as his quizzo understudy, Jam Master Sean, continues his rise to the top of the national stage. Jam Master, who hosts quizzo on Tuesdays at the Dive, was recently featured in a story on the Fox News website. This comes only weeks after he was on the front page of the Wall Street Journal. Which leads to the obvious question: Why is he only being featured in conservative circles? Where will we hear from Jam Master next? On the Rush Limbaugh Show?

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March 17, 2006

Johnny To Begin the Great Pizza Hunt

Yo peeps, heading outta the crib to grab some pizza. Think I'm heading to Joe's. Will be back with a full report either today or tommorrow. I've got a lot of pizza to eat in the next few weeks. But don't worry ladies. I'll be spending even more time at the gym to make sure that I don't lose this girlish figure with all that pizza.
(P.S. About the bod-yeah, it is steroid free.)

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March 16, 2006

Just when you thought she couldn't get any hotter...

...she goes and does something like this.

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March 15, 2006

About the tourney brackets

I dunno why this is being such a pain in the ass, but if you are having a problem signing up for the bracket challenge, just send me an email, and I can send you an invite that should get you in, no problem. Please try to get your request in to me by 10:00 a.m. Thursday, as that will probably be the last time I check my email before the tourney begins. Also, if anybody wants to watch some tourney games during the day tommorrow, I'll be at Barrister's (1823 Sansom) starting at 2 p.m.
Related: Sign Up for Johnny Goodtimes Bracket Challenge.

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Some local blog action

Not much going on today. Working on tommorrow's questions so that I can spend my entire day Thursday watching college basketball. Woo-hoo! Honestly, this is my favorite time of the year. March Madness, baseball around the corner, hot babes emerging from their winter hibernation, hot babes shooting me down because I use terms like "hot babes." Ah, spring! Wait, what was my point of thsi post? Oh, yes. There is another sort of local blog where the writing reminds me a lot of my own. Which is to say, sheer, unadulterated brilliance with dashes of caustic wit and just the right touch of arrogance. It's called badmintonstamps, and it's pretty daggone funny. On a more political bend, my buddy Donald has one called implodingamerica, which I think is really interesting and thought provoking. If you know of any good local blogs I should be checking out, or if you write one, holla atcha boy!
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Get your brackets filled out before noon tommorrow.

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March 14, 2006

$75 worth of prizes in the Johnny Goodtimes Bracket Spectacular


Updated: Well, gang, it's time for the annual Johnny Goodtimes Bracket Spectacular. It's simple. All you do is click here. Then, when they ask what your group # is you type 104416 and when they ask for a password, you type goodtimes. (You do have to sign up for a yahoo account. Also, for some reason this is a total pain in the ass with Internet Explorer, but if you use Mozilla, it is no problem. If you wanna know how to make it work with Explorer, send me an email and I'll tell you.) You've got until Thursday morning at noon to get your picks in. And trust me, the tournament is so wide open this year that you could not know a thing about basketball and win the friggin' thing.

The first place winner gets a $50 gift certificate to Barrister's, the place to watch the NCAA tournament. Barrister's has flat screen tv's and the March Madness satellite package, so they will be showing all of the games. More importantly, they are not the Fox and Hound, so the food doesn't taste like they got it shipped in from McDonald's and they will never tell you that they can't turn off the Kenny Chesney song playing throughout the restaurant during the big game because they "don't have permission from corporate."** Barrister's has really terrific food. Speaking of terrific food, the 2nd place finisher gets a $25 gift certificate to the Good Dog. In case you were wondering, I actually won this thing last year, and I expect to win it again this year.

**This sentence brought to you by Bobby Badtimes.

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Question of the Week

At what Division II school did John Chaney coach before he came to Temple?

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March 13, 2006

The Set Lists

Alright, gang, let's vote for who has the best set list this past week at quizzo. We had three contestants. Kirt DJ'd at the Bards, Clare was at the Black Sheep, and Chris was in the mix at the Good Dog. After the jump, you can see their set lists, then you can vote for which one you liked best in the poll at the right. Whoever has the most votes by Friday at noon wins the $40 gift certificate to the Devil's Alley.

First up, we had Kirt M., who rocked the Bards on Tuesday night.
I'm a graduate student in Penn's anthropology department, where I study linguistic anthropology. From Pittsburgh, where our football team doesn't perpetually suckle at the teat of failure. I went to college in Binghamton, NY,which is the metropolitan equivalent of a week-old blackhead on your step-sister's greasy forehead, where I DJ'ed briefly with WHRW, the college station. I've been going to quizzo since I moved to Philly in August of 04; my
friends think I use my love of useless information to cover up my addiction to Irish-themed establishments.

Nice job, Kirt. I'ver always heard that the way to get Philadelphians to vote for you is to insult the Eagles and use terms like "suckle at the teat" while doing so. Here are his songs:
1. Sabotage, Beastie Boys
2. Mother, Danzig
3. Sun's Gonna Rise, Citizen Cope
4. Louie Louie, The Kingsmen
5. Wave of Mutilation, The Pixies
6. There You Go, Johnny Cash
7. Things that go hump in the Night, Grand Buffet
8. Pretty Vacant, Sex Pistols
9. Thai lounge music,
10. Help me scrape the mucus off my brain, Ween
11. Your mama, Kennedy
12. Devil's Haircut, Beck
13. Gangsta's Paradise, Coolio
14. Johnny B Goode, Chuck Berry

I already posted Clare's bio. Here is her set list.
Curtis Mayfield - Move On Up
The Raveonettes - My Boyfriend's Back
Tom Vek - I Ain't Saying My Goodbyes
Annie - Me Plus One
Billy Squier - The Stroke
Death From Above 1979 - Little Girl (Masterkraft remix)
The Darkness - I Believe in a Thing Called Love
Franz Ferdinand - Michael
Cooler Kids - All Around the World (Punk Debutante)
Depeche Mode - John the Revelator
The Faint - Glass Danse
Hail Social - Hands Are Tied
George Michael - Freedom '90 <-----I saw you bobbing your head to this. Don't try
to deny it, Johnny!
Joe Jackson - I'm the Man
Three-6 Mafia - It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp <------Did you skip this?
Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar on Me
Dogs Die in Hot Cars - I Love You 'Cause I Have To
Nine Inch Nails - Only
Kylie Minogue - Can't Get You Out of My Head
Rick Derringer - Rock 'n' Roll Hoochie Koo
Steely Dan - Peg

Finally, we have Chris R at the Good Dog. He apparently drew inspiration for his set list from his shirt.
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A street-walkin' cheetah with a heart full o' napalm, Chris R hails from Philadelphia, an urban center in southeastern Pennsylvania. Following a standard upbringing (summers in Rangoon, luge lessons) he discovered a
love of travel and the collection of obscure musics, on vinyl if at all possible. Four of these five things are true: he was living in the Arabian Gulf during 9/11, he worked as an election monitor in Bosnia, he trained dolphins professionally, he had a show on West Philly Pirate Radio in the '90s, and/or he was robbed by Mexican police. He likes pina coladas, and gettin' caught in the rain. Turn ons: foreign accents, good grammar, geography and history questions, restaurant gift certificates. Turn offs: Northeast Philly accents, unnecessary quotation marks, entire rounds of reality TV questions which negate any gains made via geography and history questions, drunken photos of himself posted on the web. Chris describes his DJ style as "aggresively confusing."

Jumpin' Jack Flash - Ananda Shankar
Useless Information - The Move (perfect quizzo song!)
Funnel of Love - Wanda Jackson
Have Love, Will Travel - The Sonics
Hot Rails to Hell - Blue Oyster Cult
Shake 'Em on Down - Mississippi Fred McDowell
Ain't No Sunshine (When She's Gone) - Bill Withers
Sabre Dance - Takeshi Terauchi & Bunnys
I Want You to Want Me (live) - Cheap Trick
She's Leaving Home - Syreeta with Stevie Wonder
Big-Eyed Beans from Venus - Captain Beefheart & The Magic Band
Es steht ein Haus in New Orleans - Orchester Guenter Gollasch
Tentikel - Orchester Walter Kubiczek
In the Room of Percussion - Kaleidoscope (UK)
My Chinese Girl Likes Kung Fu Fighting - The Chinese Fighters
Sand - Lee Hazelwood & Nancy Sinatra
Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In) - The First
Shake Hands with the Devil - Patterson's People
Tin Soldier - The Small Faces
LSD - Wendell Austin

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March 12, 2006

In Virginia for the weekend

I woke up Saturday morning with a burning desire to get out of town. So I hopped in my car and drove home to Virginia. It's been a great, relaxing, and much needed vacation. Made prank calls Saturday night, went kayaking Sunday morning with one of my best friends from childhood, and picked up my Southern accent the moment I got here. Unfortunately for you people, I also leave the accent here when I return to the city. Too bad. You'd love it. Anyways, so I'm a little late with the set lists for our guest DeeJays, which I'll have up on Monday. I'll also get the basketball tourney brackets up as soon as possible. Winner gets a $50 from your tournament basketball headquarters, Barristers. And I think we might have a lot of fun this week as well, but first I gotta talk to my lawyer. Hope everybody had a great weekend. Gotta roll. Grey's Anatomy is on.

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March 10, 2006

Gin and Juice wins kickass prize, Ryan has birthday

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Gin and Juice, by missing every single question in the final round, took home one of the most kickass last place prizes ever, Lionel Richie's debut self titled album. When Johnny bought the album, he had no idea that it also contained a schweeeet centerfold (above, you might wanna click on it just to see how kickass it is). Also at the Bards, Ryan celebrated his birthday last night (below). Finally, I'll be posting the set lists of our three contestants in the "You be the DJ" contest as soon as I get a set list from Kirt. So hopefully before I'll have it sometime this weekend..
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March 9, 2006

Everyone on the Website a Week Late at the Dive

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Shots For Everyone
Due to a camera malfunction, everyone on the website week didn't become a reality for the people at the Dive last week. But this week, there were no camera glitches. Except for the fact that all of the pictures indicate that they were taken the day before Valentine's Day. But other than that they came out great. Shots for Everyone came out great as well, knocking off their competition handily.
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Grant Beats the South
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Teet Doctor
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Team Spirit
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For a Shinier Card Say Yes

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Oh, Canada

Yeah, so the American baseball team lost to Canada yesterday in the World Baseball Classic, which is essentially the equivalent, I think, of the Canadians capturing Minnesota by military force. I mean, Canada? I could understand the Dominican Republic, or Argentina, or even Cuba, but Canada? In a game that took place in America? That's like us kicking their ass at curling in a match in the Yukon. It should never happen. Alright, well I gotta take my roommate to the airport, but I'll be back this afternnon with some pics from this week (including those at the Dive!).

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March 8, 2006

DJ Clare P. In the Hizzo Fo Rizzo

Yo peeps, got an email from Clare earlier describing the DJ stylistics you can expect from her at the Black Sheep later tonight. Here goes.
Peel back the Brooks Brothers surface of an accountant and you'll find a perv inside; Scratch an editor and you'll find a suburban Sid Vicious underneath. The slightly tan, smiling woman in the earth-tone top in the accompanying photo bears little resemblance to the merciless financial editor with the jet-black hair who’ll be playing sternum-crushing dance-punk, nasty (sexy) indie jams and classic party anthems alongside divas like Kylie Minogue, Madonna, and Nine
Inch Nails. (Yes, Trent Reznor is too a diva.)

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My God, will she just go away

Am I the only one who thinks the story of the peppy cheerleader is completely assinine, or am I just a bitter cynic who's had a bad month and can't spell assinine? I mean, I like the Beach Boys song, "Be True to Your School" as much as anybody, but the sight of a cheerleader doing her freaking cheer in a stretcher just struck me as completely stupid. I mean, when they put you in a stretcher, isn't it because you aren't supposed to move around b/c you might aggravate your injuries? Is this garbage what's passing for inspiration these days? Super peppy cheerleaders who risk serious injury to scream "Plop-plop, fizz-fizz, Ooooh, what a relief it is"?

"I'm still a cheerleader -- on a stretcher or not," Yamaoka told the Today show while wearing a neck brace. So I guess if I get in a bad car crash and am being wheeled off on a stretcher, I should ask the paramedics if they know who the last Whig president was, because "I'm still a quizmaster--on a stretcher or not." Fine, so I'm just a bitter cynic who's had a bad month and can't spell assinine.

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Jam Master Sean makes front page on Wall Street Journal

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Jam Master Sean (aka C. Urbanus), Johnny's brother in arms at the Dive and notorious local rock paper scissors enthusiast, was quoted on the front page of the Wall Street Journal recently. Seems that things are turning a little ugly in the world of RPS.

Alright, it's off to study my Spanish. Holla at you in the afternoon, knuckleheads! Oh, and there is one more spot available for DeeJaying. The Locust Rendezvous. Send me an email (johnny@johnnygoodtimes.com) if you wanna play your ipod there.
RELATED: Johnny hosts RPS Spectacular.

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Genocide in Sudan

Hey gang, just asking you to take ten seconds to send a postcard to our president and tell him that he needs to do something to stop the genocide in Sudan. Here's more info on the one man army (uh, no, not Bush) who is trying to make a change.

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March 7, 2006

S***head hits the fan

Wow! Barry Bonds gets grilled by Sports Illustrated about his steroid use this week. They are taking an excerpt from a forthcoming book called Game of Shadows. Here's hoping it urges this worthless piece of trash to retire before breaking one of the most hallowed records in all of sports, Hank Aaron's career home run total. This makes his chase for the record an absolute nightmare for Major League Baseball, if it wasn't already. They let the steroid thing slide for so long, because home runs brought people back to baseball after the strike, but now it's really coming back to bite them in the ass.
RELATED: Audio Interview with author's of explosive book.

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Question of the Week

Whose Aunt Mimi once said, "The guitar's all very well, but you'll never make a living out of it"?

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The Master of the Obituary

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Now, I'm not looking forward to dying. Not at all. But I do hope to die before my good buddy Andy Nolan does, so that he can do my obituary. You see, every time a celebrity (quick reminder, I was voted Philly's favorite celebrity in 2004, and I do have sort of an on-again, off again thing with Eve) dies, I get an email. Most are brilliant (though some might be construed by stuffy types as kind of, ahem, borderline in terms of taste) but the fact that this guy sends a freaking obit out the next day every time a celeb dies is worthy of acknowledgement. So after the jump, I have listed a bunch of them, with the subject headline in bold and the actual email regular. Enjoy.

Stroke! You're Out!
Kirby Puckett, a proficient hitter (of baseballs and women) died yesterday. Ironically, he had to be buried in a coffin made for twins.

Pryor heads "uptown" Saturday night.
LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Richard Pryor, the caustic yet perceptive actor-comedian who lived dangerously close to the edge both on stage and off, has died, his ex-wife said Saturday. She said he would not be cremated. "He tried that once and it didn't work out too well."

Time to Make the Obits.
NEW YORK (Dec. 27) - Michael Vale, the Danish actor best known for his portrayal of a sleepy-eyed Dunkin' Donuts baker who said "Time to make the doughnuts," has died. He was seven dozen years old.

With a glazed look in his sleepy eyes, Vale died Saturday in New York City of complications from a bear claw scratch, according to son-in law Rick Reil. His son, Noah, pleaded for his father to stay alive, but to noah vale.

Canton, Mass.-based Dunkin' Donuts said in a statement that Vale's character "became a beloved American icon that permeated our culture and touched millions with his sense of humor and humble nature. His passing has left us all with a big hole in our middle."

Instead of being cremated, Vale's corpse was lowered into a giant cup of hot coffee until he completely dissolved.

Picket line = flat
Dear Sally,
Wilson Pickett died. Died, Sally, died.

Chicken ala King-- to go
"It takes a thin man to make a slender coffin" - Frank Perdone

Goodbye little body
No pulse, no breath, no motor skills.
Not a future royalty.
Like Robinson Crusoe,
as previous as can be.

Butch from The Little Rascals is dead
He was last seen having dinner with Mickey from the little rascals.

Cochran to cross-examine Nicole Simpson
If he doesn't breathe, you must bereave.

Saint Elsewhere
Papal reign, Papal reign
Papal reign, Papal reign
Papal reign, Papal reign

I only wanted 2 see U breathing in the Papal reign

Is Terry Schiavo in a better place? That's a no brainer.

I'm dreaming of a white funeral.
LONDON (Reuters) - Former NFL all-time sacks leader Reggie White has died at the age of 43. Known as the "Minister of Defense" on the field, White was also an ordained minister off the field. He was more likely to drink water at a victory celebration than champagne. So, as a tribute to Reggie, the Eagles will install a water fountain at Lincoln Financial Field to honor him. Placed conspicuously above the fountain will be a sign that reads simply "WHITE'S DRINKING FOUNTAIN".

Mrs. Arafat gets her dishtowel back!

A box to lift now
"He's on a streetcar named expire" - Stanley Kowalski
"He coulda been some body. He coulda been a cadaver" -Terry Malloy
"I'm gonna make him a coffin he can't reuse" - Vito Corleone's undertaker

Super Bleak
Rick James lived alone. His body was discovered when a neighbor, who had been walking by the house, called 911 and reported "There's something funky in there."

Paramedics worked frantically, attempting to revive James. EMT Edward McGonigal was heard pleading with his assistant "Give me the epinephrine shot. Give it to me. Give me that stuff, that funk, that shot, that funky stuff. Give it to me (hey). Give it to me."

Tug R.I.P.
"Ya Gotta Bereave"

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Flavor Flaaaaaaav

Now I know what you're thinking...Johnny, why haven't you been keeping us updated on Flavor of Love? Fair enough. I should have been doing a better job. But I kind of see it in fits and starts, although I must say that this show is precisely why the television was invented. It's got everything you need for great television. Love, tension, Flavor Flav. Well things got a little ugly this past week when Pumkin got voted off. Click here for the ugly, ugly melee which ensued. Thanks to James H. for sending me the link.

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March 6, 2006

You Be the DJ Contest!!!

Here it is, folks. JGT's first ever "You Be the DJ" Contest. Here's how it works. The first seven people to send me an email (if, for some reason, that link doesn't work for you, you can hit me up at johnny@johnnygoodtimes.com) with the subject headline "I Wanna Be DJ" get to play music between rounds this week (via ipod, mp3 player, or CD player. No turntables, please)). I am going to take seven people, one at each quizzo locale in Philly (Yes, that includes you, Dive!) So in your email you can tell me which place you wanna DJ, but keep in mind, your chances are better if you say "All". Then keep track of your set list on the night you getz buzy. We will post each contestant's set lists on the website on friday and vote for which one is best. Whoever wins gets a $40 gift certificate to the Devil's Alley.

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Contest Time!!!

Yo homies. I got a new contest in the works. I'm still working out the deal for a prize, but I should have one by later this afternoon, so check back this evening, because only the first people to sign up will be the ones to get to participate in this contest, which will take place this week. Wow, that was a long sentence. It's going to be ill. In the meantime,you have to see these Volkswagen commercials (and you have to watch all three, they get funnier as you go). I saw them during the Sixers game yesterday (why in the hell was Kyle Korver out there at the end ON DEFENSE?????) These are some of the best commercials I've seen in a long time. I totally want a VW now.

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Do Not F*** With Reese Witherspoon. No, Seriously.

Yeah, so Reese Witherspoon won last night and she deserved it just on her hotness in that movie alone although her acting was really great as well. But it seems that the Oscar's jewel has a little skeleton in her closet. This paparazzi dude named Todd Wallace harassed Reese and her children at Disneyland last year. Five months later he's found in his apartment-dead. The point I'm making here? Simple. Do not f*** with Reese Witherspoon.

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Happy Birthday Mayor

Happy Birthday, Marion Berry! The good mayor, whose reputation was sullied when that bitch set him up, turns 70 today. Here's a good article about his rise to power. And here are some actual quotes from the man, including one of my favorite quotes in the history of mankind, "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate." Here's hoping that DC gets exactly what it deserves-a fifth Marion Berry term as mayor!!!

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March 4, 2006

Darth Ern's fearless Oscar Predictions

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Darth Ern, one of the biggest legends in the history of the sport, is a major movie buff. And so, this year, for the second straight year, I have asked him to handicap this year's Oscar's. Here is his report:
Best Picture
In the last 39 years the movie with the most nominations has won Best Picture 35 times. Three of the four that didn't starred (Bonnie & Clyde; Reds; and Bugsy) starred Warren Beatty. The other was last year's The Aviator. I thought Crash was the Best Picture of the year. Capote and Munich also made my top 10. Unfortunately, despite it's good acting, I thought Brokeback Mountain was pretty bad. Once you get past the gay relationship what you're left with is two deadbeats who cheat on their wives and neglect their kids. But the Academy gave Best Picture to a stinker like American Beauty and they'll give it to another stinker this year.

Best Actor
I thought Phillip Seymour Hoffman gave the Best Performance (I didn't see Terrence Howard but I'm sure he was good). I think the Academy will give it to Hoffmann.

Best Actress
Reese Witherspoon. I thought Charlize Theron and Felicity Huffman were better. By the way: Am I the only one that thinks Judi Dench can get a nomination just for reading the want ads out loud?

Best Supporting Actor
I'd give it to Matt Dillon but the Academy will give it to Paul Giamatti. That'll be their way of saying we're sorry we didn't nominate you for "Sideways' and "American Splendor."

Best Supporting Actress
Rachel Weisz. Only because SAG gave it to her. I didn't see Amy Adams but I thought Frances McDormand, Michelle Williams and Catherine Keener were better.

Related: Entertainment Weekly Picks the Winners.

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March 3, 2006

Cheney's Got a Gun

Cheneymania continues to run wild. First off he's the star of a new music video. Secondly, there is a fun game where you are the VP, and you are trying to hunt quail. Of course, "hunting" is not really the right term when you are talking about what Dick Cheney does. A better way to say it is "animal massacring", as he often goes hunting in places where people release live animals directly in front of him in a fenced in area and he just walks around and picks them off. He's not so much into hunting for the "sport". He just likes to kill living creatures.

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March 2, 2006

I need to pull it together

Yeah, I said I'd have the pics up this afternoon. So I walk down to the coffee shop after dropping my clothes at the laundromat. Now, anytime I go to the laundromat, I gotta talk to my man Rudy (who runs the place) about the Dolphins, since we are probably the only two Dolphin fans in the city. We've both been hurt by this Ricky Williams thing, because we really thought we were gonna have a good team next year. Anyways, that's not the point I'm getting at. The point is that I got to the coffee shop (La Va, at 21st and South. It's new) and realized that I had forgotten to bring the cable thingy that I need to put the pics on my laptop. So anyways, I'll try to post at least some of the pics later. That's what I was gettin' at. Yeah.

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Goodtimes Giveaway

The Blue Method, Philly's premiere funk band, is gonna be rockin' the TLA tommorrow night, and I've got four pairs of ticketes to give away tonight for the show! That's right, four tix at the Dog and four more at the Bards tonight to see the Method, who Ginger tells me put on an amazing live show. I'm finally gonna get a chance to see them for myself tommorrow night, and I'm pretty excited about it.

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Many of you have heard the rumor that top NFL prospect Vince Young got a 6 on his Wonderlic test, meaning that while Young may make more money next year than I'll make in my entire life combined, I will ALWAYS have the upper hand when it comes to word problems. Here is a sample of the test. See how you do. And can someone explain the answer to number six? I don't get it. FInally, do these tests really prove anything?

Man, I got so wasted last night that at the end of the night, I ended up rapping...in front of black people! Good things my rhymes are so tight (at least that's what Eve says-true story!). So let me get my wits back before I start posting your photos, which I'll get started on this afternoon.

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March 1, 2006

AI gets hosed

Bubbachuck got screwed by the Olympic committee, as he was not one of 22 players invited to try out for the 2008 team. I have the same love hate relationship with AI as most other people do, but after the way he stepped up in the 2004 Olympics when so many other big stars refused to play earned him a shot in 2008. Ashley Fox has a pretty good article about it in today's Inky.

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Wackiest Street Name in America?

Psycho Path knocked off Divorce Court to be named the strangest actual Street Name in the US. Farfrompoopen Road finished third. Here are the results. Thanks to Alec for sending this in.

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February 28, 2006

Yes, there is quizzo at O'Neals tonight

Yes, there will be quizzo at O'Neals tonight, despite the fact that there will be a bunch of amateurs on the street celebrating Mardi Gras. Of course, all women that play tonight do have to show their boobs. Hey, that's not my policy. That just came down from corporate. Hope to see you there!

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Question of the Week

What is Florida Atlantic graduate Scott Thompson better known as?

Posted at 12:30 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Quizzo in D.C.

The following report comes from former Defective Sidewalker Hilary Swankie, who is now an official JGT correspondant in Washington DC. She played DC quizzo last night. Here is her report:
So I went to "trivia night" last night. For starters, they call it trivia
night, not quizzo. I was with 2 former Philly people who were similarly
distraught about the lame name. It was completely disorganized, they had
three, I repeat, THREE, people hosting, checking answers, etc, there was no
music between rounds, their jokes weren't funny, and it was seven (and again I must repeat SEVEN) rounds. I could go on and on. Now, my team came in 3rd but if they were smart and made each round worth more points (which they should have because they got increasingly harder), we would have killed. But instead they were lame and not funny. Not saying I won't go back again but I will say, it ain't no Johnny Goodtimes quizzo.

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February 27, 2006

Everybody on the Website Week

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Yep, it's time for the second annual "Everybody on the Website Week". So everyone who plays this week will get their picture taken and be on the site, even if your team scores like 37 points. Man, I hope the dude who played last year (above) comes back this week. Oh, and vote for me in the Philly Style Mag Thing. Tommorrow is the deadline.

Posted at 11:27 AM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

Your Grey's Anatomy Cliff Notes

Thanks for coming to johnnygoodtimes.com, your Grey's Anatomy headquarters. The women in the show were all total bitches last night. Meredith cried during sex that, I might remind the reader, she initiated (bitch move), and that one lady runs out on her fiancee right before he has heart surgery (total bitch move). McDreamy's ex-wife (now renewed) totally gets her comeuppance for her bitch move, and it looks like she is really gonna get it next week, when Meredith is gonna take her husband back from her. Izzy has the hots for some dude with heart issues, which is pissing off Alec, but it's not really a bitch move. He deserves it. What was he thinking when he cheated on her with that girl with the tiny mouth? Dumbass.

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Johnny declares official theme for March

You know it's a slow news day when one of the top news stories at philly.com is about loitering. I hope that this article is the first in a five part series. "Tommorrow, come face to face with a man who double parked in South Philly." But back to loitering. I'm a big fan of loitering. I think it's a great concept. I mean, do we constantly have to be moving forward? Can't we take a few minutes to loaf, to loiter on the way there? In fact, I say we defy these do-gooders who want us to move more and contemplate less. I am declaring March to be National Loiterers Month. I hope you will join me in loitering as much as possible, if only for a few seconds, just to defy those who are trying to take away our right as Americans to loiter.

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February 25, 2006

Great Mitch Hedberg Lines

Dunno if you guys know who Mitch Hedberg is, but he's this hilarious comedian who died last year. I just stumbled across some of his great lines and thought I would share. Enjoy!
-Last night my friend drank 26 bottles of O'Douls... He is a non-alcoholic.
-I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
-I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
-I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
-I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
-I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
-I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
-I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"... so it died.
-Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
-Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
-A waffle is like a pancake with syrup traps. It says to the syrup "You ain't goin' anywhere!"
-A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
-The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

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February 24, 2006

The Lawnchair Man

I'll post victory stories this afternoon, but in the meantime, I stumbled across this yesterday and it's really an incredible story of a guy who rode his lawnchair 16,000 feet into the sky just for the hell of it in 1982. I think you're gonna enjoy it.

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February 23, 2006

Finally! A politician with vision!

This story rules! Alright, 19 year old dude runs for town council under the platform of "Less police officers". A month after he loses, he robs a bank. He's caught, then he escapes from the courthouse and disappears in Harrisburg. Let's take these facts one at a time. First, did he run for city council in the hopes that he would get the police force reduced, and then rob the bank with a 50% less chance of getting caught? If so, this guy is a freaking genius. I guess after the loss, he was like, "Screw it. I'm robbing the bank anyway." So he does it, gets caught, and then figures out an escape plan, complete with getaway car (getaway cars rule!) And he's 19 years old? I don't like to use the phrase wunderkind, but that's what we may have here. Then he flees to the state capital. Will he try, against all odds, to revive his career there by giving an impassioned address on the capital floor, a la jimmy Stewart in "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington"? Stay tuned!

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Johnny's resume tape!!!

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Alright, peeps, here's the video I sent into the 10! to get selected. Got to give mad props to my man D-Mac for recording this and making it digital. If you were a little bit on the fence as to whether or not I was a dork, I think this tape should settle that. Enjoy!

Per the last bit for those who don't know: the previous host of the show, Lauren Hart, left the show for a singing career.

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February 22, 2006


I'm going back to espagnol class after a layoff, so I'm not gonna be posting until the afternoon. In the meantime, enjoy this quote from figure skater Johnny Weird. "I know that a lot of people, especially the more Republican-style people, are very afraid of what I mean to the sport and what I’m going to say, what kind of revolutionary, crazy things are going to come out of my mouth. And good for them. They should be scared." Revolutionary, huh? Did Che ever dress like a giant chicken?

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February 21, 2006

Europeans rapidly losing their minds

First the Austrians arrest a man for thinking he had a right to free speech, then the Germans have the nerve to arrest a man who came into the police station with a nearly half-pound bag of weed to complain about the fact that he had bought bad pot. I mean, for the love of God, you can't even bring a giant bag of shake into a police station and demand that the police stop this schwag seller before he rips off somebody else w/o getting arrested yourself. It's madness, I tell you. I just hope George Bush puts some pressure on the Germans to let this man go and go after the dealer of the brown frown. Because when you let dirt sellers go free, the terrorists win.

Posted at 4:12 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

A moment that will live in infamy

For those of you who missed my appearance on the 10! show a few weeks ago, here is a chance to see the most incredible moment on the show, and one of the most incredible moments in live tv history...when Bill Henley complimented Miss America on her box. There were some other decent moments as well, and I'm hoping to get some video up on this website in the near future.

Posted at 12:46 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (2)

Question of the Week

Jeanne Calment was born on February 21, 1875. When she died, she had the longest confirmed life span of any human being ever. How old was she? (That's her above, giving the Four Horseman salute).

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New World Order

Don't know if you've seen this story, but it's pretty big over in Europe right now. A discredited bigot is being sent ot jail for three years for being, well, a bigot. David Irving, a revisionist historian who has tried to paint a brighter side of Nazi Germany, was jailed for three years in Austria for denying that the Holocaust ever happened. Now, while jailing someone for their beliefs would hardly ruffle a feather in say, Nazi Germany, what makes this scary is that it's happening in Austria. In case you were wondering, Austria is a democracy. Is there any possible argument that this guy deserves jail time for being an idiot? Should people who don't think that man landed on the moon be imprisoned? I mean, there is overwhelming evidence that it happened, just as there is overwhleming evidence that the Holocaust happened. Should the cartoonist who drew the Mohammed cartoon be imprisoned? After all, his cartoon insulted a lot of people of a major religion, just as Irving did. Of course not. So not only has Austria pulled a fascist style move and jailed a man for his beliefs, but they have also turned a fringe historian who nobody took seriously into a martyr for anti-semites all over the world and given this idiot a platform for his despicable beliefs.

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What was #1 When You were born?

Hey, I'm stealing this one from my man Dan over at Blinq. It's a website that tells you what song was #1 on the Billboard charts the day you were born. For me, it's "Fire" by the Ohio Players. I'm kool with that. Dudes had like the hottest album covers ever (OK, besides Herb Albert's "Whipped Cream".)

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February 20, 2006

Happy President's Day, Everybody

Well, yet another joyous President's day is before us, and knowing that we have one of the best ever in office right now just sends goosebumps up the spine. But we have to think about the ones who came before him. Let's start off with a compendium of little known "facts" about each president that are pretty hilarious. Of course it's important that we honor our fourteen lost presidents today as well, the unfortunate souls who led our country when all we had was those crappy Articles of Confederation (I mean, seriously, who's brainchild were they?) And let's not forget my main man, David Rice Atchison (above), prez for a day. Oh, and more importantly, Grey's Anatomy was really good last night. I think I wrote it off a little too soon. But Desperate Housewives is really getting boring. I mean, seriously, when your entire plotline is about babysitting, it's time to re-evaluate.

Posted at 12:36 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (1)

Water Ice News

I knew that Rita's had expanded out as far as Lancaster, but I had no idea...Thanks to Barry for sending this in.

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February 17, 2006

Johnny to start quizzo at new hope!

Johnny will be starting a quizzo in New Hope on Monday, February 20th! The quizzo is gonna be at the Havana bar. I was pretty determined not to host something that far away, but I went there and the bar is just incredible, so I figured I would give it a shot. Kickoff is 7 p.m. Have a great weekend everybody.
In Case You Missed It: Bobby Badtimes goes off the Richter.

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Worst Love Songs Ever

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Well, after careful consideration, I have decided on what I think are the worst love songs of all time. I expect there to be debate in the comments section. Also, be sure to vote in the new poll (right side of page). Here they are:
1. My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion. There is really no question that this is the worst love song ever. I don't ever have suicidal tendencies, but when Celine hits that high note late in the song, I start to stare longingly at my Ginsu knives.

2. Muskrat Love by Captain and Tenille. The sound of muskrats, uh, loving, by means of a synthesizer midway thru the song, ended the "Age of the Synthesizer". I mean really, when was the last time you heard a song with a synthesizer breakdown? Not since Captain and Tennille used it to simulate rodents f******.

3. You're Having My Baby by Paul Anka. "You're having my Baby. What a wonderful way to show me that you love me." Listen, if there are any women out there who love me, please Do NOT show me by having my baby.

4. There'll Be Sad Songs by Billy Ocean. It was such an emotional roller coaster with Billy. First he comes out with Caribbean Queen, and I'm like, "This guy rocks." Then he comes out with "There'll Be Sad Songs", and I'm like, "This guy sucks". Then he comes out with "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car," and I'm like, "Damn, if we were like the Greeks and had gods for everything, he would be the God of Kicking Ass and Getting Laid."

5. I Will Be Right Here Waiting For You by Richard Marx. If wherever I go, whatever I do, Richard Marx is right there waiting for me, I'm calling the cops.

6. Broken Wings by Mr. Mister. Hmmm, more of a "let's get back together" song than a love song, I suppose, but it's soft and slow and is just so f****** awful I needed to add it to the list. "And when we hear the voices sing, The book of love will open up, And let us in." REMAIN CLOSED, Book of Love! Listen to me! You must remain closed!

7. Teen Angel by Mark Dinning. This song is so awesomely bad that it's actually kind of good. See, the teen lovers car stalls on a railroad track. Fortunately, they are ok. Great, a happy ending, right? Not so fast. Suddenly the girl completely loses her freaking mind and heads back to the car as a train is coming. She climbs inside the car and THWACK, next thing you know her brains are splattered all over the tracks (that's a bit of an embellishment by me, not really found in the song, but come on, she got hit by a freaking train!) So now he sings to her in heaven. Amazing.

8. I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight by the Cutting Crew. What can you say about the Cutting Crew that hasn't already been said? After all, "They suck" has already been said thousands of times.

9. I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) by Meatloaf. OK, I give up. What WON'T Meatloaf do for love?

10. The Glory of Love by Peter Cetera. Any glory that came with love was destroyed by Peter Cetera. "Just like a knight in shining armor, from a long time ago". As opposed to one of the more contemporary knights in shining armor.

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Later Today...

Johnny is working on his ten worst love songs of all time. He will be posting them later today. Also, be sure to pick up a copy of today's Metro and read the interview with JGT.

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February 16, 2006

Rock n' Roll Ain't Noise Pollution

Looks like somebody has been taking writing lessons from ol' Bobby Badtimes. This is a pretty freaking hilarious entry of what being in rock band is really like (I mean I did, after all, open for Super Diamond, so I know a little something about the rock 'n' roll lifestyle) from the bass player for Philly funk band The Blue Method. He's talking about a venue in NYC. Here's a sample:
And you would think that a band that agreed to play for five f*** hours on a saturday night in the middle of a blizzard over an hour from home would get some kind of billing out front on the giant, mostly vacant marquis but, tragically, you'd be wrong.
We stepped in to see that the "stage" and "backline" were not quite what we expected. The stage was so small, we literally couldn't fit on it. A bunch of equipment had to be situated on the floor in front of the stage, and we all had to stand in specific positions all night in order to a.)avoid causing the "sound system" from grossly feeding back due to the lack of a competent sound man, or rather, any soundman, and b.)keep from wacking each other in the head with headstocks, microphones and other instruments.

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Was Cheney Shooting Based on Faulty Intelligence?

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Thanks to Alec for sending this in.

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Johnny has article in City Paper

Yo peeps. I did a story about curling that appears in this week's edition of the City Paper. If you're too lazy to run out and pick up a copy, you can read it here.

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February 15, 2006

The Fruitcake Lady

Have you guys seen the fruitcake lady? If not, I highly recommend you watch this (it's sort of PG-13 in the language dept., so I guess it depends on where you work as to whether or not it's safe). Thanks to Hope for sending it in.

Posted at 1:38 PM | Email to a friend | Comments (0)

February 14, 2006

Question of the Week

Members of whose gang were shot and killed in the St. Valentine's Day massacre?

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You know what I'm in the mood for today?

Reading the worst love poem ever written.

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I need the worst love songs ever

Johnny is looking to play only the saddest breakup songs and worst love songs of all time at quizzo, and he needs your help! Please submit the best of the worst you wanna hear. Every woman who plays quizzo this week will have at least one Valentine this year, as Johnny will be giving away Valentine's to all female players (and Apollo Anton Ohno, if he shows up. What, I can't appreciate another man's hair?). Here's a site with angry letters from people who hate Valentine's day.

Posted at 10:44 AM | Email to a friend |