Recently in Black Sheep Category

What is the name of Dallas's only daily newspaper?

In which Edgar Allen Poe story does the narrator entomb his friend in the catacombs?

This man was famously fired from Harvard in 1963, ostensibly for missing too many classes, but it was believed he was truly fired for his now infamous Harvard Psilocybin Project.

This Native American lived in the Syracuse area long before there was a Syracuse. Longfellow wrote a famous poem that used his name, but it wasn't about him.

Who stars as the female news-anchor in the new show, "Back to You?"

What team did Wes Helms play for last year?

This man wrote and directed the Dark Crystal in 1982, though he is better known for being a pioneer in the world of television.

Who has a hit with "Beautiful Girls" after he stole the beat from Ben E. King?

What Belgian bar will you find at 16th and Spruce?

What member of the House of Representatives was born in Maryland and had a father who was Mayor of Baltimore?

When someone yelled this at comedian Bill Hicks, he got so angry that famously responded, "Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever; kill everyone, Adolf, kill them all!"

Who is the Boston Red Sox center fielder?

What colorful nickname did Bush have for Rove?

Where did Bruce Willis's character work as a security guard in Unbreakable?

Once there was this kid who
Got into an accident and couldn't come to school
But when he finally came back
_______________________________
He said that it was from when
The car had smashed so hard

Who released an album in 1988 titled "Skyscraper"?

In what movie did Corey play Mouth Devereaux?

What wrestler had a hit when he sang, "I am a real American, fight for the rights of every man"? (Actually, I don't think it was him singing, but they made it look like it.)

This actor appeared briefly on Another World before moving to prime time soaps and then to film classic "8 Seconds."

In the song "Hey Joe", the singer asks the killer "where you gonna run to now, where you gonna go?" Where is Joe headed?

Oscar Zeta Acosta disappeared in 1974, a few years after inspiring the "Samoan attorney" character in this book, written by one of JGT's favorite authors.

This veteran played for the '82 Angels team that collapsed in the ALCS, the '86 Red Sox that collapsed in the Series, and the incredible '87 Twins team that shocked the world with a win over the Tigers in the ALCS and the Cards in the Series.

There were two Battles of Ticorondega, and they took place 18 years apart, in two different wars. What were the wars?

Doha

Who wrote a poem called Chicago that gave the city the nicknames Hog Butcher for the World and the City of Broad Shoulders?

What American League centerfielder has the nickname Spiderman for his ability to climb walls to make spectacular catches?

What occurs twice a year to make Dover Delaware's largest city (instead of Wilmington), if only for a day or two?

The brother of one of the most hated villains in American history is considered by many to be the foremost Shakeperean actor of the 19th century, and actually owned the Walnut Street Theatre for a short time. Who is the villain?

The Song "I Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)" is a song about an acid trip. What Kenny Rogers fronted band recorded it?

This lady appeared to have won the 1980 Boston Marathon, and was awarded the first place medal, until it was discovered that she had only run the last mile.

This is a great trivia question: This birthday boy, who turns 76 today, directed Three Men and a Baby, though he's more famous for acting he did in the 60s.

Bob Dylan wrote "Mr. Tambourine Man", but it was a hit for this band before it was a hit for him.

The Minions cruised past the WTF, 102-85, at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night to become the first team with back to back wins at the Sheep in 2007, and only the 2nd team to do it since September (Duane's World did it in December). The Crotch Angels finished 3rd and Duane's World Came in 4th.

Except for this mysterious island, owned by Chile and called Rapa Nui by the natives, Hawai'i is farther away from any land than any landmass on earth.

Who was Lincoln's Vice President during his first term?

The Scrubs 'N' Subs pulled off a win at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, knocking off the Satan's Minions, 113-105. The team was actually a mishmash of several teams who all ended up sharing a table and decided to share a sheet. The Minions, meanwhile, are hoping to improve on last years performance this Saturday. They finished 18th last year.

John Sununu.

This folk guitarist, who sang the song "Handsome Johnny", opened Woodstock, and received so many standing ovations that he ran out of songs.

This man, angry at the outcome of a presidential elecion, decided to start a new country west of the Appalachians. This plan never really got off the ground, but he was charged with treason anyway. He succesfully defended himself in a well publicized trial. But he is more famous for something that happened a few years before. Who is he?

The Yankees blowing a 3 game lead over the Red Sox was the most wonderful choke in sports histry. The whole choke began when this utility journeyman made a gutsy steal of second base in Game 4. Who was he?

Fill in the blank: We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with ____________. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a******* this side of the nuthouse.

What Washington insider and complete f****** psychopath founded the Washington Times, a conservative paper, in 1982?

Who appears briefly as the dead body in "The Big Chill"?

Officially it is Hawaiian Creole English, but what is Hawaiian slang usually referred to as?

When I'm called off, I got a sawed off
Squeeze the trigger, and bodies are hauled off
You too, boy, if ya f*** with me
The police are gonna hafta come and get me
Off yo ass, that's how I'm goin out
For the punk motherf****** that's showin out

Here's a murder rap to keep y'all dancin
with a crime record like Charles Manson
AK-47 is the tool
Don't make me act the motherf***** fool

What ACC team defeated Cumberland College 222-0 in 1916 in the biggest blowout in football history?

Went to $hort Dog's house, they was watchin Yo! MTV Raps
What's the haps on the craps?
Shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em
Roll 'em in a circle of n***** and watch me break 'em
with the seven, seven-eleven, seven-eleven
Seven even back do' Lil' Joe
I picked up the cash flow
Then we played bones, and I'm yellin domino

And He who walks behind the rows did say; I will send outlanders amongst you... a man and a woman, and these outlanders will be unbelievers and profaners of the holy and the man will sorely test you. for he has great power, even greater than that of the blue man!

O, beware, my lord, of jealousy!
It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock
The meat it feeds on.

Satan's World won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, edging Inflatable Haggis in overtime. Haggis had it won, but on the question, "Who starred in the film Mode(r)n Times?" they had Charlie Chaplin (correct), but then at the last minute changed it to WC Fields. But it was the prize JGT gave for last place (below) that has the city in an uproar. It turns out that Malibu Barbie is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS, and Johnny suspects the lovely ladies who took it home as a prize have already succumbed to its toxicity. "There is nothing we can do for them now. It's best to just move forward and pretend like this never happened," said the quizmaster.

The Satan's Minions won on Wednesday, but their win was overshadowed by some investigating reporting by Philly's foremost reporter, Johnny Goodtimes, that uncovered something about Larry Mendte's dark past. "Yeah, I discovered that the rumor that watching TV in a dark room is bad for your eyes comes to us from a PR man for a lamp manufacturer named J. Robert Mendte, (2nd paragraph) who was from, you guessed it, Philadelphia," said Goodtimes. "Further research turns up that Larry is from nearby Lansdowne. And let's face it, there ain't but so many Mendte's in the area. So is it a member of the same Mendte family who sold us this pack of vicious lies so that we could spend more on his precious lamps? I don't know, but I just sent Larry an email, and hopefully we'll know something soon."

The two most terrifying teams at Black Sheep quizzo joined forces on Wednesday, with predictable results. But they remained concerned about Johnny's fragile little ego, which took a beating last week. Fortunately, they need not worry, as Johnny is expected to be back to his unbearably obnoxious and pompous self this week. "There was only one thing breaking me out of my funk, and that was a Ukranian woman telling me that I was cute." After making the remark, the girl, who was working at the hotel restaurant, then had to endure Johnny hitting on her for the next hour, until her supervisor finally made him go away.

Camp Get-A-Long kept Wacky Wednesday alive with an impressive win, but after the game, everyone seemed most concerned with the health of Duane's World. DW had a near perfect 62 heading into Round Four, then suffered one of the most spectacular crash and burns in quizzo history, scoring only 10 points in the final round (and that includes the question of the week). Several members of the team suffered minor burns in the twisted, burning wreck (below), but they are expected to be OK.

The Inflatable Haggis made a remarkably triumphant return to the Black Sheep on Wednesday. Playing for the first time since March, the squad edged Duane's World, 107-105. Perhaps even more incredibly, there is a band in the UK called the Inflatable Haggis. Did the quizzo team name themselves after them, or did the band name itself after the quizzo team? We hope to find some answers soon.

Johnny Goodtimes, exhausted by a week of leisure, was somehow able to muster the courage to telegraph us the following from the Black Sheep: Duane's World wins. Stop. Must get sleep. Stop. Week of Tecmo Bowl and relaxation starting to wear me out. Stop. Joan Benet Ramsey case has given me first real reason to live since OJ. Stop. I hope the media gives this story the airplay it so richly deserves. Stop.

Jew Wouldn't Want to Be Mel Gibson won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, despite what was, let's face it, a sucky speed round. Canadian capitals proved to be almost impossible for you lazy, ignorant Americans.

Some of you old school quizzo fans may recognize the guy in the upper left with the goatee. That's Doug the Professor, a contestant in the first ever "Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes Contest" in 2004. At the time, here's what he said about hosting quizzo at the Vous, which is alway the harshest one to host at for everyone who has ever hosted:
The crowd at the Rendezvous is very whiny. And fickle to boot. They jumped down my throat for asking questions about the Yankees. One gentleman said that every answer for my round should be, "Who cares? The Yankees suck." My favorite was the nice older man who pointed out that a train leaves for NY from 30th Street Station every hour, and I should be under one.

The Satan's Minions won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday for the 6th straight week, edging the Sofa Kingdom and Duane's World in a JGT Bounty Bowl, saving Goodtimes from having to pay out $20. JGT assures us that the money was spent wisely. "Thank you Satan's Minions! Without you saving me that cash, I could have never afforded this Pee Wee Herman poster!"

Late in a Wednesday night quizzo that would see the Satan's Minions win for the 5th straight week, I watched on the TV as the Phillies loaded the bases with nobody out. I hollered out, "I'm willing to bet anyone a dollar that the Phillies ground into a double play." Jeff Minion took me up on the bet. The Phillies did not ground into a double play, as there was a force out at home. Then I saw who was coming to bat-David Bell. "Double or nothing," I shouted. Jeff was willing to double up. Everybody in the bar stared at the TV as Bell approached the plate...and promptly grounded into an inning ending double play. The crowd went wild, and I picked up my cold hard cash.
Related: The good phight points out how much David Bell sucks.Related: Phun Phacts about how terrible the Phillies are (and have always been).

The Satan's Minions continued their hot streak at the Black Sheep this week, winning for the 4th straight time. They then prepared for the upcoming monsoon, buying duct tape, salt, and batteries. But as they waited for this epic storm, they bitched about the last one. "Yeah, what the hell was Noah thinking, bringing mosquitoes on the ark but forgetting unicorns?" asked Matt Minion. "Seriously, that is pathetic. Unicorns are so mystical, so magical, that to leave without them on board is, to me, tantamount to murder."
Related: Unicorns Rock!

The Satan's Minions won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, in a strange quizzo which saw a lot of players dressed as empty chairs in the usually packed Black Sheep. "Well, I haven't jumped the shark, that's for sure," said a clearly shaken Goodtimes. "It was the weather. I mean it started raining right before 8 p.m." Johnny shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "Players at the Black Sheep aren't sick of me, that's for sure." There was a long, awkwad silence. "It was, uh, it was the weather." Johnny coughed. "Absolutely."

The Satan's Minions proved that the devil was still alive in spirit, even a day after 6/6/06, as they won at the Black Sheep. And it seems that Johnny's 50/50 round caused quite a stir in Germany, as the German's erected a plaque marking the spot where Hitler's bunker existed a day after the Mussolini or Hitler round. Coincidence?

The Satan's Minions were all left cold and homeless (the whole team lived together in a Satanic commune) a day after they won at the Black Sheep. The team lost everything by betting on this year's spelling bee. "I can't believe the winner was freaking white," said Champ Minion. "I bet it all that they would be Asian." Champ, sitting in a cardboard box just outside of a Rite-Aid, added, "This is just another great example of whitey keeping me down."

Kiss Me Where I Pee won a tight one at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, then talked about how good they thought the Pat Sajak Show was, although it bombed badly in 1989 (This was the answer to question #10 in the impossible round). They especially liked the time Rush Limbaugh hosted. It really went well. I mean, the people who are screaming at him come off as idiots too, but this is the most awkward ten minutes you will ever see on TV. In the end, they had to clear the studio audience and he delivered his closing monologue to an empty studio.

Adolph Oliversnatch emerged victorious at a packed Black Sheep on Wednesday night, then claimed that reports that their ancestors had sex with monkeys was patently false. "Absolutely not!" said Buzz Lightspears. " None of my ancestors have ever had sex with a monkey, although my great-great-great aunt made out with a sea turtle once."

Schindler's Fist won at da Black Sheep on Wednesday, like I give a s***. Seriously, if the team's dames aren't gonna run they hands tru my hair, then I got no use for em. Meanwhile, that dame below couldn't keep her hands off me. And who can blame her? I got class, baby. Dat's why broads love me. 'Cause I got class, somethin' you quizzo playin yokels wouldn't know nothin' about. I'll probably end up takin' that dame somewhere nice. Applebees, or maybe even Red Lobster. And if my dame wants a daquiri, she gets a daquiri, I don't care if you got 'em on the menu or not.

Duane's World proved to be both Rico and Suave at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, and defeated the Satan's Minions, despite the fact that the MInions had a perfect round four. After the game, Duane wondered when in the heck Gerardo is coming out with his follow up album. "When I heard that song gasolina, I thought it might be him. But alas, no. Oh well, until then I guess I'll just keep watching the incredible dance moves in the Rico Suave video."

Johnny's writing squad returned following a bitter pay dispute that left half of last week's stories undone until today. And only now, five days after it happened, is the story of the WTF's big win at the Black Sheep going up on the website. "If I was still writing my own site, this stuff would have been up days ago," said Goodtimes, who has turned what was once a one man show into a multinational monolith. "But what can I do? These guys are union."

The RIver of Rocks won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday over a star studded cast that included the Minions, WTF, Duane's World, and even a member of the old Broad Street Bullies who found some new teammates. Then after the contest, the Rocks delivered a bombshell: that they had found a white rapper with even less skills than JGT. (You HAVE to watch this. Thanks to Jen O. for the link.)

Quizzo went into extra innings at the Black Sheep on Wednesdays, with the Minions edging Buzz Passed the Bar in overtime. But all wasn't lost for Buzz, as after the contest the Minions became his first clients. "We've been looking for a lawyer whose name just commands respect in the courtroom," said Jeff Minion. "And we think Buzz does that."
RELATED: Buzz has a pretty damn funny MySpace sight.

Duane's World won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, but were highly disturbed by Thomas Dolby's attack on K-Fed. "Come on, Thomas," said Gavin Federline (no relation). "Just let this slide. Don't be blinded just because K-Fed is droppin' science."

The WTF won at the Sheep on Wednesday, but they got their biggest thrill on Sunday, when they found out that teammate Bopper had been chosen to play the leading role in an upcoming production of Casanova on Broadway. The Broadway theatre made the announcement today, which is Casanova's 281st birthday. When asked if they had any reservations about hiring a guy with no previous acting experience, a theatre spokesman said, "No, he has no acting experience, but he has plenty of show biz experience. I mean, the guy was a member of the Wu-Tang Clan, for goodness sakes."

Wow, how do you write this one without being melodramatic? I guess I should just let the facts speak for themselves. Last weekend, the members of Duane's World found out that their friend and teammate Ken Schober had passed away at the age of 50. The remaining members of the team (plus a few new guys) decided to play on Wednesday, and came away with a victory. I don't believe in a whole lot of "signs from above" stuff or anything like that, but I have to admit that I got chicken skin (aka goose bumps) when I realized that they had won.

Claude Allen's Evil Twin Brother won at the Black Sheep, then was caught trying to send perfectly good hummus back to the kitchen after they had eaten half of it. The team had planted a strand of it's own hair in the hummus, and had hoped to get a full refund after eating half the hummus. The three men, policy advisor's for President Bush, said that the whole thing was just a misunderstanding. They then tried to pay for their drinks with a gift certificate which had expired six months ago.

Duane's World won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, then returned on Friday to celebrate the birthday of good friend Chuck Norris. "Man, we're having a lot of fun," said team member Duane B. Free. "Yeah, but I feel sorry for our waitress," added Mike Minion. "I mean, sure, our drinks took a while to get here, but I don't think that she deserved a roundhouse kick her in the face."

The Satan's Minions won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, but their was no sign of a photoshopped pic or a snarky little write up, because Johnny is up against the clock and there is simply no time to be clever. JGT desperately wants a nap, and is doing his best not to ogle the cute girl at the coffee shop, because he wants to get your picture up before you leave work today. Because he's a quizmaster who cares. About you.

The Smokin' Something (can't read it, paper's torn)

Sarcasmo (and the Alexander Ovechkins)

Los Psychos

The Domino Effect Effect

Duane's World

Perfect Strangers

The Dan Jones Unsuccesful Experiment

Inflatable Haggis

No Names

In My Spare Time, I Listen to 98 Degrees

The Satan's Minions won at the Black Sheep Wednesday, then lied about how many sex partners they've had. "I've had like 87," said Jeff Clausterhoffen. Meanwhile, the two ladies on the team both stated that they had never had sex. "We're women, we don't do that kind of thing," said Janice Redenbacher. Added Jeff, "Make that 89. I forgot about that menage e trois with those two Swedish models in Las Vegas." Jeff then clapped high five with the other guys on the team, who both claim to have had sex with over 75 women.

Michelle Kwan made a crucial mistake on Wednesday, as she tried to hold practice at the Black Sheep immediately following Duane's World's impressive blowout victory. "I don't know what the hell she was thinking," said Duane's World member Stu Duane. "I mean first of all, the place was packed, so skating around everyone had to be difficult, and secondly, the floors are made of wood, not ice, which makes ice skating really difficult. It's a miracle she didn't break her neck." She did, however, injure her groin, an injury that will keep her out of Olympic competition.

In a touching display at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, Mike MInion (2nd from left) honored Johnny Goodtimes by wearing a sweater that was the same color as Johnny's tuxedo shirt on Sunday. "Wow," said Johnny, his eyes brimming with tears. "What a touching tribute. I really thought that that tuxedo would set the color 'apricot' back twenty years, but I guess I was wrong. To know that I could inspire others to wear that color...Wow is really all I can say." The Minions had an impressive come from behind victory, edging out Dwayne's World for the win.

The WTF, a team that was severely traumatized by Nipplegate two years ago and who won at the Black Shep last week, is begging ABC to run a 5 second tape delay for this year's game, so that nothing like that can ever happen again. "Listen, my son used to be the sweetest kid in the world," said Wolf Wolfington. "Then he saw Janet Jackson's boob, and now he tears the wings off of butterflies. The Bopper concurred. "Listen, I threw my copy of Rhythm Nation 1814 in the trash right after that happened. I got it back out a few minutes later to listen to Escapade, but still, I was pretty pissed."

Everyday Math edged the Rocket Scientists at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, prompting Johnny to google "famous mathematicians". That was where he found this 8 year old power point presentation about Archimedes that he thinks was done by a middle schooler in Orlando (he was a middle schooler at the time. He's probably in college now.) Johnny is not sure if it is legal to link to a school project. He hopes it is.

The Satan's MInions won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, edging a newly revitalized WTF crew. The Minions weren't entirely pleased, however. "How come quizzo can't get the respect the Chicken Dance gets?" asked Daz Dawg of the Minions. "They get front page coverage for setting a record that doesn't even exist, and all we get is a freaking picture on some two bit website. Screw quizzo, I'm gonna learn how to play accordion. That's where the glory is."

The legendary WTF won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, then talked about how excited they were about former Arkansas governor Orval Faubus's birthday. "Listen," said Wolf "The Wolf" Wolfington, "I don't know much about this Orval Faubus character, but I do know that his name was Orval Faubus, and I just love saying it." Added the Bopper, "Orval Faubus, Orval Faubus, Orval Faubus. That just never gets old." Orval Faubus would be 97 today.

Inflatable Haggis won at Black Sheep on Wednesday, but the win did little to raise their spirits. "New Years is simply a marking of the sands thru the hourglass, a realization that I am a year older, not a penny richer, and a little closer to my inevitable demise," said Meg Hemingway. Added Alec Chunky, "2005 was a year of broken promises, mistakes at work, and lots of uninteresting people met while speed dating. The good news is, 2006 really can't be any worse, especially if Philly gets a Planet Hollywood with nickel slots."

Breathtaking Inanity was able to win a tight one at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, and the good news didn't stop there. The team members, all of whom have lengthy criminal records due to their involvement with moonshining, breathed a sigh of relief whne they saw that the Bush White House is easing things a bit for moonshiners. "Man, I hope Bush is still feeling Christmasy when he looks at my record," said Debbie Dallas of the Inanity. "I'd love to be able to purchase a gun again."

Santa's Minions were able to recover from a slow start to take the title at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, but the team was obviously a lot more concerned with the well being of teammate Ashlee Simpson than they were with the victory. Simpson told the team she loved them, then collapsed on the table. "It's just exhaustion," said team member Chap Jackson. "You'd be tired to, if you were talentless hack who had to lip synch all those songs every night."

Dwayne's World, a wacky new show on the WB, follows Dwayne after he leaves Rerun and Roger and starts hanging out with a crew of older white guys. In the first episode, Dwayne and his new friends win quizzo at the Black Sheep in a shootout, knocking off Inflatable Haggis in overtime when both teams finish with scores of 111. In fact, the Satan's Minions finished with 110, and landed in 3rd place. Dwayne wears extremely tight jeans in the show. Hay HAY Hay!
Related: A history of What's Happening'

The Satan's Minions were able to overcome a tough week to knock off TO's Family at the Sheep on Wednesday night, 109-108. Long time team member Nick Lachey tried his best, but his heart obviously wasn't into it. "Word travels fast," said teammate Bucky Samson. "He heard about Jessica down the street at the 'Vous, and you could see his heart just sink. You gotta feel for the guy. I mean, one minute you're married to one of the hottest women on earth, the next minute your just another ex-member of 98 degrees."
"Not kool!" shouted Jeff Timmons,(below)who was emerging from the men's room. "Not kool!"

The WTF took the title at the Black Sheep last Wednesday after finishing in a tie for last the week before. But that story was overshadowed when, on Monday, team member Mutt Eisenstein made a startling announcement: That it was he, not Gary Hart, who was with Donna Rice aboard the Monkey Business. "Yeah, I shoulda said something earlier," said Eisenstein. "I feel kinda bad about it. But my old lady woulda killed me if she had known I was foolin' around with some hot model like Donna, so I was actually relieved when everybody though it was Gary. Sorry, Gar." The apology coincided with Gary's birthday.

T.O.'s Hungry Family pulled off a victory at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, then learned that TO's family is more sexy than hungry. That's his fiance, Felisha Terrell, below. "Uh, she actually looks fairly well nourished," said a surprised Stanley Maplethrope of the Hungry Family. "We would have thought, two weeks into the suspension, she'd be all skin and bones. But she looks rather, ahem, healthy to me." In other news, I totally wish we lived in a matriarchal society, so that TO had to take the name Terrell Terrell.

Wednesday night at the Black Sheep was the epitomy of what keeps quizzo fun. Satan's Minions have established themselves as of late as the team to beat at the Sheep, having won several times by over 20 points. Meanwhile the team they were playing, Inflatable Haggis, usually finishes about third or fourth to last, sometimes 30 or 40 points behind the Minions. But on this night, the topics that were covered were things they knew (they aced geography and advertising), and at the end of regulation we had a tie. Tiebreaker question: How many people live in Pennsylvania? Inflatable Haggis guessed 14.1 million. The Satan's Minions guessed 15.1 million. The correct answer? 12.3 million. It was one of those upsets so startling, so shocking, it almost makes you lose your place in the world. Is the sky up, is grass green? You start to lose your grasp on reality. Then Rick Santorum goes and does something stupid, and you are comforted with the realization that things really are as they seem.

Satan's Minions blew out WTF at the Sheep on Wednesday, then donated their gift certificate to the Chinese space program, in honor of their teammate, Mao Tse Tooth. The Chinese plan on sending a man to the moon in 2017. What hardy pioneers, going where no...well, several...men have gone before! If this venture is succesful, rumor has it they'll then try to blaze a trail across the Appalachian mountains!
ALSO: Johnny would like to give big ups to his favorite team name of the week. Septus Interruptus played at the Black Sheep on Wednesday.

Peep My Popesack was victorious at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, but the team's celebration was cut short when they heard about Elmo's arrest. "I'd be lying if I said that we didn't see this coming," said Ethel Warbucks of the Popesacks. "He's been embittered about his loss of fame ever since the whole 'Tickle Me' thing died down, but I only recently realized that he was strapping heat. I hope this serves as a wake up call to him, as well as to Bert and Ernie. I'm afraid that Grover and the Cookie Monster are just too far gone to even wish for a miracle."

Satan's Minions won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night for the 3rd time in their last four tries, then gave away the secret to their success-camel toads. "Yep, ever since we discovered that camel toads have hallucinogenic properties, we've been unstoppable," said Dewayne Dwight of the Minions. Though the JGT Ethics Committee frowns on performance enhancing drugs, they have given the ok to camel toads. "We no have problem weeth camel toad. Very good," said Elroy Sutcliffe of the Committee.

The Missing Heads may have won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, but they had no reason to be proud, as it was learned that the Minnesota Vikings weren't the only team to recently partake on a "pleasure cruise". The cruise with the Missing Heads on board might have been even more scandalous. Captain Hugh Hightower turned back the ship when it was learned that the Heads had used up all of the ranch dip for the vegetable spread, and he caught one of them throwing a Dorito at another guest on the boat. Added the captain, "I've been a pleasure boat captain for a long time, and I've never seen such indecency." It was also learned that instead of enjoying the beautiful sunset, several of the Heads played Boggle. "I just don't think they get what being on a pleasure cruise is all about," added the captain.

Satan's Minions knocked off a number of big named teams at the Black Sheep, including the River of Rocks, the Missing Heads, WTF, and TO's Family. Of course the reason the place was so packed on Wednesday was because of whtat the winner got in addition to the $40 gift certificate-a private concert featuring Haddaway! "Dude, he...was...so...awesome," said a star-struck "Hubba" Bubba Jefferson. "I mean 'What is Love' is a phat enough jam on it's own. But seeing it live. Man, what an experience. Thank you, Johnny Goodtimes, Inc., for making my dreams come true!"

Satan's Minions won in a blowout at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, but were unhappy with their win being commemorated by another one of Johnny's non-sequiter pieces, this one having to do with an aardvark (below). "Johnny may think baby aardvarks are funny," said team member LaFonda Rembrandt. "But we don't get it. I mean it's just an animal, I don't...what? You spell it how? Oh, my. That is funny!"

With Britney sidelined with a baby, the producers of the perfume "Curious" realized that the sweet smelling potion wasn't gonna sell itself. So they hired one of the all-time winningest teams in JGT quizzo history, the Missing Heads, to promote the perfume. "Were we surprised?" asked team member Stevie Thunder. "Yes, but we've always considered ourselves to be one of the sweetest smelling teams in quizzo. And you have to remember, we've got a large fan base consisting mostly of impressionable young women, and they'll buy anything we're selling."

Confucius led the WTF to a victory at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, as they avenged their loss a week earlier to Satan's Minions. I spoke with Confucius after the contest, and he offered me much wisdom, some of which I will share with you (click below). The rest of it was tasteless and juvenile.

Satan's Minions won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, then pulled a vicious stunt on quizmaster Johnny: They made Johnny choose sides in the battle between his two least favorite people on Earth...George Bush and Celine Dion! "I never thought that this day would come, when I would be forced to choose whose side I was on. Damn those Minions of Satan for doing this to me! While I agree with Celine that Bush is more interested in Iraq than in America, I still can't stand her." Johnny's best case scenario in the current stand-off? "They meet to discuss their differences, and during the meeting they are both attacked by crazed mooses."

The rumors had spread through the quizzo community like wildfire. The Missing Heads, long considered one of the elite teams in quizzo, had lost their magic. Too many of their members were wasting valuable brain cells in a haze of daily drunken happy hours. There were comments that this team was the Edgar Allen Poe of quizzo: Remarkably talented, but unable to keep from sleeping in the gutter after drunken revelry. But for one night, at least, they were able to pull their mouths from the bottle and recapture the magic. "We took a good, long hard look at ourselves," said team member Mean Gene Overland, "And decided that we were not gonna start drinking grain alcohol until after the game is over."

Lance Armstrong and the Dirty Urine Samples pulled off a major upset at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, knocking off the Missing Heads. Only later did the Samples reveal their secret weapon: thay had rented Germans to do their dirty work! The JGT Ethics Committee is being called in to see if there were any rules infractions. The use of Germans (like the one below) is frowned upon in competitive quizzo.

WTF was able to pull off a narrow victory at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, but their decision to have the victory celebration at Beanie's Welcome Home party did not go over as well as hoped. "Yeah, he shot me," said Wolf Wolfington (left) while recovering from a gunshot wound at a nearby hospital. "As most of you know, this beef between Beanie and I goes back a number of years. He's been mad ever since I began a clothing line called 'County Property'." The WTFers are no strangers to the hip hop circuit. Big Bopper was actually a member of the Wu-tang Clan for several months in late 2004. He left the group after a disagreement with Ghostface Killah during the 50/50 round.

Bibleman was able to lead Bojangles to an upset victory over such luminaries as Pepperoni, the Missing Heads, and River of Rocs at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night. Bibleman, who was just a neighborhood kid named Buddy Lembeck before a chance encounter with the good book turned him into a prophecy spouting superhero, seems to be really good with world capitals. The competition was the final one for the Sheepshaggers (below), who are moving back to England.

The WTF won in impressive fashion at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, putting up a score of 112 in the process. But they could hardly hide their disgust of the new Eagle cheerleader calendars. "I am outraged," said team member Matthew Eisenstein. "There are a number of holidays left off the calendar, including Arbor Day and Wear Your Wig to Work Day. In addition, there is absolutely no mention of July being National Hot Dog Month." Eisenstein added that he is concerned what kids will think when they see this. "We try to teach children that there are only twelve months in a year," added the concerned quizzo player, "And then somebody comes along and releases a 16 month calendar. What are the children supposed to think?"

The Wenches and the Sugar Daddies (aka the River of Rocs) emerged from a shootout at the Black Sheep as the sole survivors, getting a little help from Seals and Croft along the way. It was a record setting night, as six teams broke the 100 point mark, including WTF, who had a perfect score after three rounds. The Wenches and Sugar Daddies seemed to have jasmine in their minds in round one, and were in last place after the opening round. But every question after that was a summer breeze for the team, as they only missed one of the final 33 questions.

Gerald Ford and his good friends on the River of Rocs had two reasons to celebrate on Wednesday night: first the Rocs knocked off the two time defending champs WTF with a commanding fourth round, then they threw a few back to celebrate Gerry's 92nd birthday. Ford, who is often referred to as "The Millard Fillmore of the 20th Century", did a number of great things while in office, though we can't remember any of them right off the top of our heads. Here is a collection of good Gerald Ford quotes, including my favorite, "Things are more like today than they ever have been before."

...because the drought finally ended for WTF, who had had a painful string of second and third place finishes since winning way back on January 16th. It was an impressive win for WTF, who had to edge past perennial powerhouses River of Rocks and the Missing Heads. The Big Bopper (left) asked that I not use the above photo, since he looks like such a goober in it (he's the one on the left). Since our goal here at JGT, Inc. is to make our clients look as dignified (unlike the Bopper, left, in the above photo) as possible, I'm going to have to respectfully ask that you direct your attention to the less gooberish picture below. Please, do not even gaze at the photo above. The one with the Bopper on the left. Thank you.

The Morbidly Obese, a team of Missing Head ex-pats, missed only one of the first thirty questions at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, but fell to pieces down the stretch. Pepperoni, meanwhile, only got stronger as the match went on, and cruised to a victory in Round Four. WTF finished second. Things got worse for the Obese on Thursday, when they arrived at the office and found the following banner, created by office mates Skyler "Stanley" Colfax and Debbie Henderson. Pepperoni denied any involvement in the banner, but did admit that Skyler, quote, "was a friend of a friend."

Senor Has a Big Light Saber was able to knock off the Barrel-o-Monkeyz on Wednesday at the Black Sheep, 90-85. But the real action took place shortly after the contest, when a crazed Star Wars fan showed up with an even bigger light saber. "I thought my light saber was big," said Senor. "But that crazed fat guy in the diapers, I mean his light saber was just enormous." Senor added that he had contracted a bad case of light saber envy, and thinks that he might buy an H2 Hummer to make up for his inadequacy.

Naked Zorro, who has been spotted repeatedly in Doylestown, made his mark in Philadelphia last night, helping to lead the River of Rocs to an overtime victory over WTF at the Black Sheep. The mysterious masked man, who protects the citizens of Doylestown from evil Spanish governors while nude, celebrated the victory with a stirring rendition of the Mexican Hat Dance.

Somebody Get Lohan a Chalupa won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, holding off a Pepperoni team that made a late dash. The team, who offered to donate their winnings to the Lindsay Lohan Chalupa Fund, obviously don't realize something: That Lindsay Lohan is a member of Terrell Owens's family! Making only 7 million dollars, Terrell has been unable to feed his family, forcing poor Lindsay to starve. Come on, Jeff Lurie, do something before you kill Lindsay Lohan!

In a major upset on Wednesday night, Pepperoni was able to knock off the Missing Heads 93-91. It was a big win for the...MY GOODNESS, MAN, WHAT ARE YOU SICK BASTARDS COOKING ON THE TABLE!!! I REMEMBER READING ABOUT THIS KIND OF THING HAPPENING A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO IN GERMANY, BUT I NEVER IMAGINED IT WOULD..."Relax, Johnny. It's just a delicious pepperoni roll." Oh. Pepperoni roll. My bad.

We've just got two words for you, Johnny," said Raul Allergy smugly after the Missing Heads had pulled off an impressive win against their old rivals, WTF. "Word Up."

La Salsa Caliente talked about how Jermaine Stewart (below) had changed their lives after winning big at the Sheep on Wednesday. "Before Jermaine Stewart came along, I was just dropping my clothes at the drop of a dime," said Jill Assenmacher. "But that song spoke to me, made me realize that I didn't need to take my clothes off to have a good time, though rumor has it I would need to take my clothes off to have Goodtimes." "Trust me, that's no rumor," added Graham "Don't Stop Believin'" Baird.

I Come For the Fun of It...and Often edged As Dumb As We Look at the Black Sheep, 93-92, on Wednesday night. But they were unable to explain why Johnny attached the photo below to their story. "I've got no clue," said Mike "Max" Maxwell. "Maybe...nevermind, I got no guesses." Added Emma "Slipknot" Kelly, "It really makes no sense. Maybe he thinks it's funny. I just think it's stupid." Added Claude Van Yamme, "Yeah, I think Johnny just jumped the shark."

In one of the most exciting matches in Quizzo Spectacular history, the Missing Heads came from behind to knock off Quizzo Bowl champs Clover Day Sale, 111-104, to avenge their miserable performance in QBI. Of course, the addition of international megastar Alan Thicke (aka Mike Seaver) didn't hurt, and in fact caused some controversy. "Yeah, of course they did well," said Big Bopper of WTF,"They had Alan Thicke there for the Canada Round." Sparky Dillsnapper of the Heads hinted that this victory was only the tip of the iceberg in his postgame comments. "We're nowhere near the end," said Dillsnapper. "The best is ready to begin." Added Mean Gene Overland,
"As long as we've got each other, we got the world spinnin' right in our hands, baby you and me, we gotta be, the luckiest dreamers who never keep dreaming."

It was turn back the clock day at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, as The Missing Heads overcame their old rivals, WTF, in exciting fashion at the Sheep Wednesday night. But would should have been a night to wax nostalgic turned into a night of horrors, as a parliament of owls invaded the bar and attacked the victorious team. "We were just sitting there when all of a sudden this parliament of owls just comes swooping in, destroying everything in its path," said shocked team member Stephen LaMarr Braxton. "I was trying to get them to go away, shouting, 'Back off, parliament,' but that didn't work." Three team members were admitted to the hospital, two for major abrasions, and one for an unrelated scurvy attack. The Owls did over $1.5 million dollars in property damage, and drank three bottles of Courvoisier. Added "Mean" Gene Overland, "I haven't seen a Parliament do this much damage since the Stamp Act."

The Drummonds, a team of crazed Conrad Bain fans (below), eeked out a victory over Ron Mexico Gives It to Ya Raw, 93-91 at the Black Sheep on Wednesday. "Yeah, we just wanted to win one for ol' Mr. Drummond," said Harvey Bucknkuckle of the Drummonds. "I for one haven't been the same since he died." When informed that Bain wasn't dead, Bucknuckle screamed, "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go take him out!"

Hubris, led by Thomas Hunter (far right), escaped with a big win at the Sheep on Wednesday. Of course, Hunter's week would go down hill from there, as just days later he was arrested after he stole a case of brandy in Buffalo. He was busted after he dropped the case of brandy on the sidewalk, then returned minutes later to try to suck it up off the ground with a straw. "Yeah, ol' Tommy's a hell of a quizzo player," said teammate Stockton Drawbridge, "But he's no criminal mastermind."

If the Tumor Won't Abate, You Must Cremate won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, but their team name, inspired by the deceased Johnnie Cochrane, apparently brought them some bad kharma. Only moments after securing a victory, team member Frank Perdue (far left) dropped to the ground, stone dead. "The team name was his idea," said Larry Stallworth. "We think that next week we might call ourselves, 'If the Heart Stops Tickin', Ain't No More Chicken.'

The Rocket Scientists pulled off an impressive win at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, but more importantly, brought to mind a pretty funny Far Side (below). "I think we won because we were able to play without Eric Fontleroy, aka 'Dead Weight'," said team member Rick Schmitz. "That's off the record, of course, Johnny. I know you won't post that comment on the website. You've got too much journalistic integrity." The Missing Heads, looking much smaller after last weeks steroid controversy, fell to pieces without illegal supplements, missing the final three and snatching defeat from the claws of victory.

The War on Steroids moved from Capitol Hill to 17th and Lattimer on Wednesday night, as "Mean" Gene McSweeney (second from right) was subpoenaed shortly after the Missing Heads won, and will testify on Capitol Hill next week. "What? What about Thad Nuclei (middle of photo)? Why aren't they grilling him?" asked Gene. Nuclei, who wrote the book "Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant Roids, Bad Questions, and How Quizzo Got Big," was not subpoenaed, with Congress explaining that they didn't want to turn this into a circus. In his book, Nuclei claims that Gene turned him onto performance enhancing drugs.

Watching Porn With Michael Jackson won at the Black Sheep on wednesday. The team, which was disgusted with Mike's appearance at the Rendezvous earlier in the evening but would still let their children spend the night at his house, reported that the porn they watched was David Hasselhoff in "Raw".

Fran is Now an Officer was able to squeak past the Missing Heads on Wednesday night, 84-83. Now I have no idea who this "Fran" is, but I looked up Fran online and lo and behold, I came up with this. Now that's "Fran-tastic!"

Alright gang, here's the pics from Black Sheep on Wednesday night. I woulda had all this stuff up earlier but I got hit with some sort of leprosy related superbug that has really knocked me out.

When Did I Eat Corn was able to pull off a victory at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, knocking off John Chaney's Goons, 96-90. Also, when looking up "corn" online, Johnny stumbled across the photo below, which he in no way enhanced with photoshop. Honestly.

Snorting Annie was able to pull off a major upset at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, knocking off the Missing Heads, who had won in three of the past four weeks. But the real shocker came later, when Doug Wead revealed that he had not only tape recorded President Bush admitting that he had smoked pot, but that he had also recorded Little Orphan Annie (aka Little Snortin' Annie), who revealed that she used to encourage children to snort blow on her radio program. Bob Wartzman of the team said, "Yeah, we called ourselves Snorting Annie to expose Orphan Annie as a terrible influence on kids. Yeah, she had a secret society, alright. A secret society of snowblowing children!"

The Missing Heads celebrated their thirtieth anniversary with a victory at the Black Sheep on Wednesday. "It was not only our 30th anniversary, it was also Happy Days 30th anniversary, so we said, what the hell, let's get together," said "Mean" Gene Okersea. "Fonzi was the only one that showed. I was kind of bummed, because I really thought we'd get to hang with Scott Baio. But he was working on a 20th year reunion for Charles in Charge."

In a surprise twist at the Sheep on Wednesday Night, the Team w/o a Table withstood a late charge from the Missing Heads and emerged victorious, earning them a brand new table (below). "That is a disturbing table," said team member Freddy Bruschi. "I almost feel like I'm eating off another man's lap. I haven't done that since college. What? Oh come on, cut me some slack. I was wasted."

Conspiracy Theorists had a field day on Wednesday, as the only other team besides Yo! Ern to get left out in the cold the week before, the Missing Heads, was the only other team to repeat, thus allowing Johnny again to be able to do two stories in one. "That lazy bastard," said Graham Boyd of rival la Salsa Caliente. "You know he grooved the questions to make his life easier." Johnny was outraged at the accusations. "What? How did he know that? I mean, why does he think that?" The Heads, who played with as many as 27 players at one point the first week, proved that they didn't need to cheat to win the second week. They probably should have cheated at Quizzo Bowl. At least in the T/F round where they got 5 out of 15 correct.

Well, we always thought she was the brains of the operation, and Jennifer Aniston proved it on Wednesday, leading WTF to victory. Aniston, provocatively dressed and staring at Goodtimes throughout the contest, was able win the $40 gift certificate but not the grand prize. "Yeah, Jennifer was all over me," said Goodtimes. "But she's so vulnerable right now, it just didn't seem right. Plus, I could never do that to Brad."

WTF was able to pull off an impressive victory at the Black Sheep on Wednesday. Oklahoma, meanwhile, suffered their second humiliating defeat in two nights, being crushed by the WTFers in every aspect of the game. "I hate to say it, but Jason White just blows," said Sooner coach Bob Stoops. "First he throws three interceptions in the Orange Bowl, and then he doesn't even know who built the Brooklyn Bridge. Thank goodness he's used up his nine years of eligibility."

In what was unquestionably the worst photo ever taken at a Johnny Goodtimes event, the River of Rocks were photographed by a small child, er, I mean the Grand Inquizzator. But even GI's misappropriation of the lens couldn't take away the joy of victory for the Rocks, who pulled it off against a team that was, I'm not kidding, photographed so badly I decided not to put them up here.

Bad Santa delivered on his promise to keep the dudes on La Salsa Caliente out of the team photo after their second straight victory, so that we could concentrate on the hot chicks on the team. The team, which had showed off its assets last week, kept it a little closer to the vest this week. But they still looked fine. Ho-ho-ho!

La Salsa Caliente was able to pull off an impressive two point victory over the Rocket Scientists on Wednesday night. The team was quick to show off it's assets. "We're not just a bunch of flat-assed nerds, Johnny," said Jillian Assenmacher. "That's right," said Thad Butts. "Funkadelic had it all wrong. Free your mind and your ass will follow? I don't think so. I say free your ass, then your mind will follow. I think we proved that here tonight."

WTF was able to win at Black Sheep on Wednesday, but the real story was how good Johnny looked. "Yeah, I mean Johnny looked fine," said Bopper, "But I'd prefer to talk about how our knowledge of World War Two was able to-" Johnny's sportcoat seemed to really look sharp, and the fact that he had a shirt to match was almost too much. "Yeah, nice coat. Anyways, we even knew Rudolph Hess and Ira Hayes. That to me-" Of course, the expensive haircut Johnny got a few weeks ago hasn't been hurting him either. "...Is a good indication of how far we have come as a-" The beard really seemed to go well with the sportcoat. Did we mention that Johnny's single?

My Boy Blue acquitted themselves of Trial By Cheese at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, 88-81, then used their moment in the spotlight to come to the aid of a cause they truly believed in: the stripping of Ben Johnson's gold medal at the 1988 Olympics. "Just like Barry Bonds, Ben took something unknowingly. I mean somebody slipped some performance enhancing drugs into his drink. Why is that so hard to believe?" asked Chastity Jackson of My Boy Blue. "Frankly, I think he was framed because he's Canadian. And I bet that dude in the pink shorts had something to do with it."

The River of Rocks were victorious on Wednesday night at the Black Sheep, but were highly disappointed when they found out that Johnny had photoshopped a Spongebob character for their story. "Didn't Johnny already use Spongebob in an earlier story?" asked Thad Mistletree of the Rocks. "I mean, if I didn't know better, I'd say Johnny was mailing this one in." Hanna Plumber agreed. "The starfish character isn't even that amusing. That blue octopus though, that thing is funny."

The WTF was able to fight off a pesky Eastern Omelette team at the Black Sheep. The Omelette, playing with just two members of the full time squad, almost pulled off the upset, but the WTFers squeezed it out at the end, 102-98. The big news came after the contest, when it was discovered that Big Bopper of WTF had been chosen to take Ol' Dirty Bastard's spot in the Wu-Tang Clan. "This came as a shock to me, Johnny," said a dumbfounded Bopper. "I mean, I'm a tax attorney with very limited rhyme skills. But the RZA said I had 'flava', and that's what the crew was looking for. Ya best Protect ya Neck, Johnny."

The Philadelphia Reach Around, playing for the first time, was able to knock off the competition at the Black Sheep on Wednesday. The PRA was aided by Dick Cheney, who apparently had a few too many. "Yeah, Dick was trashed," said team member Stanley Alworth. "He had like seven Flaming Dr. Peppers. Then the next day he went into the hospital for a quote unquote 'cold.' We just had to laugh our asses off."

The Good News on Wednesday was that the Red Rocks won at the Black Sheep. It was a blowout, as the Rocks defeated the 2nd place squad by a score of 110-81. The bad news, of course, was that Anne Coulter wasn't hit by a bus.

Meatloaf, filling in for the Big Bopper, was able to lead WTF to their second straight victory. "It was nice to have Meatloaf on the squad," said Matt Eisenstein, "But he refused to tell us exactly what it is that he won't do for love."

WTF was able to edge two time defending champ La Salsa Caliente at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night. "Hair Guy doesn't really help us with answers," said Big Bopper. "But the broads on our team get all pissed if we don't invite him."

La Salsa Caliente esta en fuego, as they won for the second straight week at Black Sheep, leaving their foes scratching their Missing Heads. In other news, a really hot girl and her date finished last and got a plastic unicorn. And I'm not sure, but I got the impression that the hot girl was completely out of her f****** mind.

La Salsa Caliente was muy bien on Wednesday at the Black Sheep, knocking off Larry Bowa's New Team, 96-82. They were Hot! Hot! Hot! in the final round, pulling away from the competition decisively. Mucho bueno!!!

A fiery Michael Dukakis, looking very presidential indeed, was able to guide the Smal Bags to a narrow victory at the Black Sheep on Wednesday. "When Mike walked in with that helmet on, I knew he meant business," said team member Thaddeus Rockwell. "Then, when I found out that he had ridden in a tank to the game, I was like, whoa, this guy didn't come here to mess around."

Smokey and the Bandits were able to pull off their second victory of the week at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, holding off Small Bags of Dog Food, 99-97. But their reputation as a classy team went entirely out the window, as more of the infamous "Bad Burt" photos were released (below). "This has been a black eye on the entire organization," said team member Caldwell Falwell. "This should have been a week of extreme joy, having won 2 quizzoes in one week. But thanks to Burt Reynold's ass, we are in a period of mourning."

WTF was able to beat Brianne In the Library With The Candlestick at Black Sheep, breaking a 103-103 tie in overtime. "We want to dedicate this victory to Kenichi Fukui, winner of the 1981 Chemistry Nobel Prize and long time porn legend," said the Big Bopper. "Without him, none of this would have been possible."

A month after what was, and I'm not being hyperbolic here, the most devastating choke in the history of the world, WTF was able to rise from the ashes to defeat Joey from Blossom, 105-97. The best thing about the win was that the WTF was able to soar past the SS Missing Heads at the end of round four. The Heads struck an iceburg after question seven, missing the final three questions, and finished in third place.

Lick Bush, a team consisting of left wing porn advocates, was able to defeat the River of Rocks, 105-101 at the Black Sheep on Wednesday. "We have to knock Bush out of office," said Lance Longstrokes after the match. "And I'm not only speaking for myself when I say that, but for other concerned American citizens, such as the Milfhunter, Captain Stabbin, and the gentlemen of the bangbus." Longstroke added that "Lick Bush" would be the name of an upcoming anti-Bush porn film he's developing, which will star Dick Chainme, Condosleeza Nice, and Swollen Powell (below).

The Black Sheep has reopened this week and quizzo will return tonight at 8:00 PM.

Disaster struck at the Black Sheep on Wednesday as W.T.F., enjoying a healthy 14 point lead over the Missing Heads (below) going into Round Four, burst into flames and lost by six to their arch rivals. Amazingly, Johnny was able to catch WTF's round four performance on video!

Twelve Inches of Hard Quizzo came up a little short at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, allowing the Missing Heads to escape with a 100-95 win. The win moved the Heads into a 2nd place tie with The Haters on the win chart. "We're not that excited about it," said team member Lance Thrustworthy. "I've always heard that a tie is liking kissing Twisted Sister."

The Rocket Scientists used a foreign object to knock out the Missing Heads at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, 93-91. Ric Flair, who was there to endorse his top ten book, walked that line. "To be the man, you got to beat the man," said Flair after the contest. Wooooooo!

The Missing Heads were able to win at Black Sheep on Wednesday night, scoring their 15th victory in the process. "We just won our fifteenth match, we're a bunch of single guys, we're a little buzzed," said team leader Ricardo Montojohn, "If only we could find something to do around here to celebrate."

The RIver of Rocks, aided by hot dog eating champion Kobayashi, were able to survive at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, scoring an impressive 103 in the process. Other teams were furious that Kobayashi was allowed to play, especially when it turned out that round 2 was hot dog eating. "That's ridiculous," said Big Bopper of third place WTF. "I mean, I can put down a hot dog or two, but not 32 in six minutes like that jerk for the River Rocks. I'll never play this stupid game again. Well, at least not until next Wednesday."

The Jams were able to run the tables in round four and knock off the Missing Heads, 108-104. The controversy came when one of the members of the Heads was whacked in the knee right before the competition started. "Why me? Why me?" screamed Randy Whereagain. The Heads hope to have Randy back in time for the Olympics.

Bill Clinton didn't miss a beat on Wednesday, using the Missing Heads victory at Black Sheep to help sell his latest book, My Life. The Heads were able to squeak past the Blind Squirrels, 92-90. "We were able to win just because we could. And that's wrong," said team member Antonio D'Antonio.

The Missing Heads were able to kick it Gangsta style at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, holding off a furious challenge from My Boy Blue, who answered every question correct in the final round. But Blue had the Blues in the true/false round, and were unable to catch the Heads. As for Touch My Poop(below), well they just totally sucked.

The Missing Heads were able to knock off W.T.F. on Wednesday at Black Sheep, 102-101. Larry Bird, who played with the Heads, said he felt disrespected when the WTFers tried to beat him at Quizzo with a bunch of white guys.

A team with really bad handwriting but more than enough brains was able to eek one out at Black Sheep. The team had their names as a team name. It was Stanley and either Stella or Stetta, Jana or Jena, and the last name was entirely undecipherable. Possibly Haka, Nako, Mako. Anyways, a group of federal agents stormed in round four, shouting out answers, and acting like a******* in general. Well, shortly after the contest, Johnny got on the phone with Washington, and the next morning George Tenet stepped down as the head of the CIA. Coincidence? I think not.

Eeyore, a WTFer playing without the Big Bopper and the rest of the squad, pulled off an upset for the ages, knocking off the Rocket Scientists in Overtime. It was the Rocket Scientists second straight overtime loss, and afterwards the team was devastated. "It was tough enough to take the loss," said Scientist Bud Lotion, "But then to listen to that son of a b**** play 'I Am the Champions', well that was just too much."

As you all know, the movie Shrek was based on a true story. And darn if the people who inspired the beloved tale didn't show up and win at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, knocking off the Rocket Scientists in overtime. "It was a big win for us," said Jackass (he's called Donkey in the movie).

In what would have been the biggest comeback in JGT Quizzo history, the perennial champs the Missing Heads fell just short of coming from 16 back in the final stanza to win the contest, allowing the Rocket Scientists to escape with the victory. The Heads could have won, but they changed the right answer on a question about "Clue." Ironically, soon after the game ended Francis Boddy of the Missing Heads was found dead in the Conservatory with a candlestick lying by his head. "We're pretty sure that Ms. Scarlet did it," said Philly police chief Frank Quizzo, III. "But she's just so damn sexy, there's no way we can press charges."

Johnny really likes the guys on the Missing Heads a lot. Really kool guys, the lot of 'em. But he's just really tired of seeing them on his website. So instead the photo you see here is one of the foxes who finished fourth, Badpickuplines.com. Any complaints?

The Missing Heads were victorious at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, but it's Johnny Goodtimes who will be enjoying the spoils of victory. That is, of course, assuming that Mexican women like skinny guys who can't speak Spanish and need to wear alot of sunblock.

The Missing Heads returned to number 1 spot on Wednesday night with a 106-94 victory over WTF at the Black Sheep. When on their game, the Heads are possibly the toughest team to defeat in Quizzo. "I'll testify to that," said Condie Rice, below.

The Methane Probes won a Thriller at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, knocking off the WTF in overtime after the teams dueled to a 102-102 tie. "It's kool, I guess," said team member Sammy "Six Finger" Sassafras. "I mean, I listened to that album so many damn times when I was nine that I'm burned out on it for life. So I'm not going to sit here and say that I wanted to win a Thriller. But if that's what Johnny offers as a prize, we'll take it."

The Porn Stars emerged victorious at the Black Sheep on Wednesday. The team, which includes several "handy" men, had only shown up when it heard that the Black Sheep's pool was broken. "We showed up to fix the pool, and were surprised to discover that the man of the house was away on a business trip," said Big John Stroke. "After playing a quick game of quizzo and sharing a few drinks w/ the woman of the house (Sapphire Jackson) we did a quick inspection of the place," said team captain Thrust Hamilton. "That's when we discovered the problem wasn't the pool itself, but the pipes." Added Stroke, "This wasn't the type of problem you tackle alone: This is the type of problem you have to double team." Said Thrust, "Yeah, we make it a point to never lay pipe alone."

At first it looked like two of the guys on the Missing Heads squinted in the photo. Then, Johnny noticed something more sinister on the table: a deadly hooka! "We were just smoking tobacco from that thing," said
team member Smokey Jackson. "Yeah," added Doobie Roundtree. "Like, tobacco." The Ethics Committee has reported that there is currently debate over a bill that would require all quizzo participants to take random drug tests throughout the season. "That would be totally lame," said Missing Head captain Terry "Two Tokes" McGee, before rushing out the door and heading to Cin-A-Bun.

The Broad Street Bullies With Special Guest Stars the Jams, two of quizzo's most succesful (and hated) franchises joined forces to leave their home turf of Locust Rendezvous and play at Black Sheep. They were able to overcome the home field advantage of the Missing Heads and W.T.F., knocking off the Heads in Overtime. The Bullies, who had cried long and hard at Rendezvous about whether or not Neil Armstrong had done any interviews since returning from the moon, were shocked to see Armstrong show up at the Black Sheep shortly after the contest. "It was really kool talking with Neil. I just wished he would have talked about his trip to the moon," said team member Joe Discapone. "But he just flat out refuses to talk about it."

"W.T.F." was able to Weaken Their Foes on Wednesday and Win The Fiercest competition the Black Sheep has seen to date, knocking off the "Passion of the Goodtimes" and the Missing Heads, 81-80-79. "You know who this win was for?" asked team member The Big Bopper. "The ladies. That's who." Speaking of ladies, a team of remarkable cute blondes played, and not to toot his own horn, but they found Goodtimes so entertaining that they left midway through round three. W.T.F.?

Be prepared for Midnight Cowboy won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, coming from behind to squeak past the Dehydrated Turkish Sea Monkeys, 101-92. "I knew I should have given them more water," said a dejected little Mikey Baxter (Below).

Rainman showed up at the Black Sheep to guide Learn-Ed Hand Job to a remarkable victory. Only two true or false questions were able to throw off the Rainman and keep Learn-Ed from a perfect score.
"We had to keep our focus at the end there," said team member Chantilly Upshaw. "Raymond left the team with 4 questions to go muttering, "10 minutes to Wapner.'" But before he left Rainman was quoted as saying that Johnny's shirt was "very sparkly" and that yes, Goodtimes truly is "an excellent driver."

***It may come to a shock to some, but the above photograph and depiction of the events at the Black Sheep are a dramatization. And in order to pull off that dramatization a very attractive young lady was cropped out of the photo. But in keeping with Johnny's motto, "no cute chick left behind," we include a photo of her below.

Only days after his winning kick against the Panthers, Adam Vinatieri made his way to the Black Sheep on Wednesday to team up with W.T.F. And wouldn't you know it, they squeaked out a one point win when the Pats kicker nailed the last question of the contest. "All the other teams were whining because one of the Fourth round questions was 'Spell Vinatieri'," said team member The Big Bopper. "But if they had stopped whining for a minute, they would have noticed that he had his jersey on, and they could have spelled it right off his back."

Johnny forgot to do this article about the winners at Black Sheep in January. Critics contend that he's been sniffing too much glue.. The Missing Heads had won, and had scribbled something on a napkin, which could not be deciphered by the Johnny Goodtimes Navajo Codebreakers.

Johnny Goodtimes' Navajo Codebreakers

It was a week of long suffering teams finally getting their due, and that continued at the Black Sheep on Wednesday. The Big Bopper finally returned, having spent several weeks on a "Retreat of Love" as he liked to call it, and apparently all of his amorous activities had a positive effect on his once feeble brain. "Free love is the only way to truly improve mind power, man," said Bopper. If that was the case, the team of Grant and Eddie need to loosen their morals. A small lead going into Round four turned into a devastating four point loss. Team leader Grant Rockbottom said, "I haven't been this depressed about a loss since, well since Sunday."

The Missing Heads six game joyride came to a screeching halt on Wednesday, thanks to Tiger, the dog on the Brady Bunch. While The Supers were able to answer the weekly double question ("Who was the Brady's dog?") correctly, the Heads were not. The Supers were thus able to pull off a 90-86 upset. "I knew that not watching enough crappy TV programming was going to come back and bite this team in the ass," said team member Kix Drummond. Boy, was he right.

The Missing Heads performed surgery on Wednesday, and like clockwork, they were able to hold off the Bone Growth Inhibitors, 88-86. "We gave 110%, and left it all on the field," said Chet Whipley. "Yeah," added Bert Sonic, "It was a total team effort, and from here on out, we're just going to take it one game at a time." The Bone Growth Inhibitors were every bit as eloquent as the winners were. "Give them credit. They just executed better. They seemed to step up and make the big plays. That's just the way the ball bounces. We got away from the game plan. We're going to have to put this loss behind us and move on."

The Missing Heads won their fifth straight Quizzo at the Black Sheep-and don't think corporate America hasn't noticed. United Colors of Benetton signed the Heads to a three year deal worth somewhere in the neighborhood of $4.2 million dollars, and they posed for their first ad shortly after last night's contest (see picture, above). W.T.F. made a valiant run at the Heads, falling short, 93-91, despite playing without the Big Bopper (Rumor has it, he missed out on Quizzo due to a date. Johnny can't help but be a bit disappointed in the Bopper's priorities.) I Bet Your Sister Would Date Me had a commanding lead going into Round Four, but wilted under the pressure.

The Missing Heads extended their dominance over the Black Sheep crowd, causing one grizzled old vet from W.T.F. to remark, "This thing was fun until all these smart people starting showing up. It's ruining the integrity of the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular." The Heads were more than smart, coming one question away from a perfect score. That's where Bjork comes in. "We picked up Bjork just on the off chance that there was a question about Iceland," said team member Frank "Flapjack" Kelly. Sure enough, the team found themselves needing only to spell Reykjavik correctly to get the first ever perfect score at Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo anywhere. But Bjork was in a trancelike state throughout round four, and refused to offer her assistance, saying that such trivial matters were an impedence on her soul. "I think that bitch is doing some serious drugs. Have you heard her music? She's a freak, and she's not invited back next week," said Kelly. "We would've been better off with Bjorn Borg than Bjork." When reached for comment, Bjork said simply, "people are always asking me about eskimos, but there are no eskimos in iceland"

The Missing Heads were able to keep theirs long enough to win for the second consecutive week at the Black Sheep. In related news, Johnny's ban on brain sucking aliens was strictly enforced.

The Missing Heads breezed to a 102-85 win over Muck Fichigan on Wednesday. But the real story would be hard to believe if you weren't getting it from such a trustworthy source. Phine 'n' Phishin' had their brains sucked out by aliens midway through round one, and the result was the second lowest score in Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo history. A 24. To put that in perspective, the Missing Heads scored more than that in Round Three alone. Johnny bravely tried to fight off the aliens, but even with his legendary superhuman strength, he was helpless against their otherworldly powers.

The Remains of Robert Durst's Head won a squeaker in double OT at the Black Sheep Quizzo spectacular on Wednesday night. The two teams finished the contest tied at 89, but in Round two of OT, the Head was able to pull off the victory. The Frank Clements Castaways finished third with 83. In other news, these two cute chicks told Johnny they would call him, but hey, let's face it, he's heard that old song and dance before.

Easy Money caught fire on Wednesday night, missing only two questions over the course of the entire game, and both of those were in the first round. They finished with 116 to shatter the old record by six points. It's Albert, Damnit was a bridesmaid again this week. "That's OK," said one member of It's Albert, "We've got like four hot chicks on our team. They've only got one. I think we're the real winners."

The Latimer Street Boys needed overtime, but they pulled past It's Albert, Damnit to win at Black Sheep. The two teams were tied after regulation and four questions of OT, but only the Latimer Street Boys knew that Benjamin Franklin is believed to be the first man to electrocute animals (a turkey, a lamb, and numerous chickens), and they walked away with the gold. Eezy Money finished out of the money, and two-time defending champ WTF finished a disappointing 4th, leaving their fans angry. "W.T.F. happened here?" asked Herbie Candlewaxer. "How does a team slip so far, so fast? W.T.F.?"

WTF, after offering a heartfelt apology to its fans for a controversial outburst last week, regained it's composure and held off two squads (The White Sox and the Golden Monkeys) by a 70-68 score. The White Sox were able to fight off the Monkeys in Overtime to secure the second place gift certificate.

Team WTF hung on to win with 84 points in a performance that was almost ruined by some unacceptable behavior by a team member. And for the last time, Jerry Lee Lewis is not the "Big Bopper!"

The Black Sheep Flockers were able to emerge victorious at the Black Sheep, overcoming the handicap of going a little heavy on the alcohol. Soon after the victory, one of the members of the team was reprimanded by police officers for climbing a tree. (That's not a joke. I seriously saw it happen after the event.) Johnny Goodtimes does not condone or endorse said behavior, though he does find it at least mildly amusing.

The Johnny Goodtimes Productions Executive Committee will look into the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular Record Being broken twice in the same day. "110 points and 108 points both being scored on the same night is unacceptable," said committee chairman Lex Stroker. "And when you see how good looking the two new record holders are, it brings back some unpleasant memories of Charles Van Doren and The $64,000 Question."

Critics of Johnny Goodtimes were not pleased. "Shouldn't there be an independant counsel looking into this?" asked avowed Goodtimes enemy Kenneth Starr.

Goodtimes said that "This is a tempest in a teapot. No improprieties exist. Any other questions should be directed to my lawyer."

Braintrust came from all over the United States to set a new record with a 108. The celebration was shortlived, however, as that record was broken at Nick's two hours later. The Trust defeated the second place squad by 13 points, and walked away with the $40 gift certificate. "We quiz each other on business trips all the time, so this was a chance to finally show off our stockpile of useless knowledge.

The I team, an early millenium rip-off of the 80's hit TV series "A-Team," won in overtime in the first Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo at Black Sheep. The Brows, last after the first round, made a nice run in the final round to tie the score at 61, before the I Team pulled away in OT. Johnny returns to the Black Sheep Wednesday at 8:00 p.m., as contestants vie for the $40 gift certificate that goes to the winner.