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Unbelievable! I just got an email me letting me know that Doc Watson's is closed! Therefore, there will be no quizzo tonight. Plans for re-opening are questionable at best. I will hit the streets and see if we can put together another Monday night quizzo ASAP, and hopefully even be able to keep the contest going (The idea and money came from Doc's). If I can explain that we can keep a crowd coming in, somebody might be willing to do it. If you've got any good ideas for bars in the area, please let me know. If I had known that this was a possibility, I would not have okayed the contest. There will be no more quizzo at Doc's in the future.

Where's Johnny took a rather commanding lead in the Doc Watson's Big Money Bonanza, but there is still plenty of time for a couple of other teams to make a comeback. The Quizzo Bowl champs held off the Dropkick Finkelstein's who came in second for the 2nd straight week. The Holy Pontiffs finished third to remain withing striking distance. Here are the standings after four weeks, with four weeks left to play.
1st-Where's Johnny-18 points
2nd-The Holy Pontiffs-14 points
3rd-Johnny Makes Me Wanna-8 points
3rd-Dropkick Finkelsteins-8 points
5th-The Wanderers-3 points
6th-Claire Huxtable-2 points
6th-Corner of the Bar-2 points
6th-Jolly Bengali's-2 points
6th-We Put the FU in Fun-2 points

Quizzo Bowl winners Where's Johnny took sole control of first place in the Doc Watson's Big $$$ Bonanza with their second first place finish in three weeks. The team then dedicated the win to Phil Spector, who is currently on trial. In fact, team member Brando Calfission even got a perm done just like the famous record producer. Here's the standings after three weeks:
1st-Where's Johnny-13 points
2nd-The Holy Pontiffs-11 points
3rd-Johnny Makes Me Wanna-8 points
4th-Dropkick Finkelsteins-4 points
5th-The Wanderers-3 points
6th-Claire Huxtable-2 points
6th-Corner of the Bar-2 points
7th-There's No Dana-1 point

Where's Johnny (you might recognize them from Quizzo Bowl I) ran off a perfect round four to defeat Johnny Makes Me Wanna LaLa, 113-107. The team only missed one question the entire game, that being the one about Lando Calrission. Billy Dee Williams was disappointed. "Man, those cats would have gotten that right if they had just listened to me and, instead of drinking lager, had drank Colt .45 malt liquor. How many times do I have to say this? It works every time!" Here's the standings after two weeks of the Doc Watson's Big $$$ Bonanza.
1. Where's Johnny-8 points
2. Johnny Makes Me Wanna LaLa-8 points
3. The Holy Pontiffs-8 points
4. The Wanderers-3 points
5. Corner of the Bar-2 points
6. Claire Huxtable-1 point

The Holy Pontiffs and Six Other Guys came from behind in Round Four to take Week One of the Big $$$ Bonanza and develop an early lead. Even if you did not play in week one, you are definitely eligible to play, as I will only be taking the top five scores in the eight week tournament (which means you really only have to play five times to have a shot of winning). The winner walks with $300, in addition to the normal gift certificate prizes. Second Place gets $150, and third walks with $50. Here are the standings after Week 1.
1st Place-5 points-Holy Pontiffs
2nd Place-4 points-Johnny Makes Me Wanna Lala
3rd Place-3 points-Where's Johnny
4th Place-2 points-The Wanderers
5th place-1 point-Bastard Children of C. Huxtable

Doc Watson's will be starting a quizzo contest tonight, and the winning team will walk with $300. Here's how it will work: Teams will be awarded points according to what place they finish, as follows-
1st place-5 points 2nd place-4 points 3rd place-3 points 4th place-2 points 5th place-1 point. On the 8th week, the point values will all double, allowing teams to come from behind. A team's highest five scores will be tabulated. So in effect, you only have to play 5 times in the next 8 weeks, but the more you play, the better your chances of gaining points. The winner walks with the cash, and 2nd gets $150. In addition, all the normal prizes will still be awarded. Also tonight, there will be $2 drafts at Finn McCool's (12th and Sansom) for open mic.

The Broad Street Run Disappointed, Not Enough Broads won a tight contest at Doc's on Monday night, knocking off the Y-100 Revolutionary Army, 96-95. As for the lack of broads, most of them dropped out when they found out that Zola Budd would be participating, and they didn't want to risk their health. In other news, Johnny makes a "Zola Budd" reference in a quizzo story.

Three Ball Tracy edged out the y-100 Revolutionary Army at the Good Doctor's on Monday night, and attributed the win to Twinkies. "In order to celebrate the 75th anniversary of the Twinkie, I've eaten nothing but Twinkies for the past week," said Payday Brickowski. "Fried Twinkies, boiled Twinkies, Twinkie soup, you name it, I've had it. And I think it really paid off. I felt focused and at least a little bit smarter than usual. I highly encourage small children to eat nothing but Twinkies for a week and see how they feel." Brickowski, who said that he prayed for a victory on Sunday at Twinkiehenge (below), then encouraged everyone to check out the following website, in which various scientific experiments were performed on Twinkies.

Josh, Where's Your Car won at the Good Doctor's on Monday night, but their joy was short-lived, as Josh's car was found Tuesday morning-at the bottom of the Delaware river! Attempts to salvage the car from the river were nothing short of disastrous, as these photos can attest.

With a perfect score heading into round four, When Johnny Lies, the Baby Jesus Cries became the latest squad to miss perfection by only one question. The question, "Who was writing the Mystery of Edwin Drood when he died?" proved to be their undoing. The correct answer was Charles Dickens. "Damnit! We should have been able to pull Dickens out of our ass," said Pierre Butterworth of When Johnny Lies, who still blew away the competition.

Quizzo at Doc Watson's will be suspended indefinitely, as Doc's is now closed indefinitely. I will probably be picking up a new Monday night quizzo within the next couple of weeks. We had a good crowd at Doc's and I hope we can keep it going elsewhere. Please check back to find out where it's going to be going on.

Take Off My Pants and Jacket probably thought they could get away with naming themselves after a Blink 182 album and not being trashed on the website. Wrong! Not only does Blink 182 totally blow, but one of the guys in the band asked my ex-girlfriend to the prom when they were in high school together in San Diego. No s***! She turned him down. It's not her fault. Women have smaller hearts than men.

The Y-100 Revolutionary Army blitzkrieged their opponents at Doc's on Mondya night. Sadly, they were no match for the G-Unit, who took control of Y-100 and turned it into a rap station. "It wouldn't have been so humiliating if, during their hostile takeover of the station, somebody in 50's posse hadn't popped a cap in my ass," said John Soltrane (above). "That was entirely uncalled for."

John Chaney's Goons won at Doc's on Monday night, fighting off a major snowstorm to even make it to the arena. "Three members of the team didn't make it," said Lance Butterworth. "We still haven't recovered their bodies." In lighter snow related news, the boys of St. Joe's Prep Lacrosse team created the largest snowball in Pennsylvania history over the weekend. Congratulations, boys!

Here's the photos of all the teams that played last night at Doc Watson's, except for the winners, who'll get their pic later this week.

The Nicotine Hunger Force wasn't happy with just a win at Doc Watson's on Monday, they also wanted to make a fashion statement. "We've both been huge Camilla fans for years. Wearing these Camilla hats was our way of not only showing her how much we loved her, but also showing America how Kool she is-with a capital K!"

Nobody loves us,
Nobody cares,
nobody picks us peaches and pears.
Nobody offers us candy and cokes,
Nobody listens and laughs at our jokes.

Learning from his mistakes on Sunday, Andy Reid proved that he can lead a team in the late going, as the Eagles Hurry Up Offense ran away from the opposition on Monday night at Doc Watson's. "A victory at Doc Watson's is no Super Bowl," said Andy, "But it's close. And I hope people notice how quickly we were writing down answers in that final round, especially those last six minutes."

I Went to Quizzo Bowl and all I got was this Lousy Hangover
was able to give Fly Eagles Fly a splitting headache in Round Four at Doc Watson's on Monday, coming from seven points back to knock off the defending champs. The Hangovers were inspired by Max McGee, who scored the first touchdown in Super Bowl history while nursing a raging hangover. Then he founded Chi-Chi's. Seriously.

Fly Eagles Fly were able to soar past the competition at Doc Watson's on Monday. Uh, ok, so it was last Monday, the 24th. (They totally choked last night. More on that later.) But the thrill of victory was short lived. Payday Brickowski (left), whose torrid affair with Eagle cheerleader Mikki has been well documented, was devastated soon after the contest when he found out that Mikki had been cheating on him-with Yanni!!!

Full House Whites Over Asians were able to knock off the competition at Doc Watson's on Monday, defeating I Hate Joe Hung, who was only able to record a pair of eights.

Spiro Agnew Got A Raw Deal was finally able to get to the proverbial mountaintop at Doc's on Monday night, even joining the 100 point club. The team, out and about town to promote the new movie "Spiro Agnew 3-D" on IMAX, says that this is a "must-see" for Nixon fans and tax evaders. The film, in which Henry Winkler will play Agnew, comes to the Franklin Center IMAX in February.

Fly Eagles FLy was able to win at Doc Watson's for the second consecutive week, but the real story was the performance of Paul Roundsonmee. Paul (below) set a new Johnny Goodtimes quizzo record by passing out less than five questions into round one. "I've been around a lot of impressive athletic achievments in my day," said Goodtimes,"But this one...well, this one was really special."

Fly Eagles Fly, a team that named itself before the Bengals game, was able to knock off the 2nd place TO's Broken Bones at Doc's on Monday. But due to an unexplained mishap, Trivia Art took a photo of Bones instead of the Eagles. Then, due to an unexplained mishap, Art forgot to use the flash. Sadly, due to an unexplained mishap, Artie "fell" off the Ben Franklin Bridge "just before I could save him" said sole eyewitness Johnny Goodtimes. "Johnny would be a suspect, because the whole thing seems fishy," said police chief Snidely Whiplash. "But we have a longstanding policy against detaining international megastars."

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times at Doc Watson's on Monday night. The Roll of Quarters was able to finally win a contest after a number of second place finishes, but one of the members of their team, Chester Longfellow, froze to death midway through the third round.

The Ocean's Drunks were able to pull it out at Doc Watson's on Monday night. The team had been a group of teetottalers, but when they saw how bad Ocean's 12 sucked, they started drinking heavily, and haven't stopped since.

Ken Jennings is Our B**** was able to come away with a victory at Doc's on Monday. The team, which has been accused of kidnapping Ken Jennings shortly after his historic streak ended, locking him in their basement and making him, well, their b****, has denied all charges. "Did we put a gag ball in his mouth shortly after he lost to Nancy Zerg?" asked team member Brent "Switchblade" Sampson. "Yes. The photographs prove it. But we let him go shortly after that. Do you really think I could keep a guy with that cute of a smile in my basement for days on end, subsisting on nothing but water and scraps, begging for mercy as we mentally, physically, and spiritually abused him, after he costed us big money by not winning 75 in a row? I think not."

When Johnny's camera crapped out on Monday night, he had to borrow one from a foreigner who told Johnny he would e-mail the photo to Johnny. It has still not been received. There are some who might say that this foreigner was as cold as ice, and indeed this behavior got Johnny hot-blooded. It was urgent that he send Johnny the photo, but that didn't happen. This had never happened before. It felt like the first time. Oh well, one of the guys that was on the Doc's team also won at the Dog, so you can look at that photo.

The Blues Clues were able to pull off their second victory in four weeks, this time at Doc Watson's. But the blue dog from Blues Clues refused to pose for the team photo without an appearance fee, and Johnny had to get Spongebob instead.

The Rice Water Stools were able to hold on for a close victory at the Doc's on Monday night. "We wanted to celebrate our victory by going to see a movie," said team member Jeff Spartacus. "But there was nothing we really wanted to see, so we just took in Affleck's new one, Surviving Christmas. It was awesome. I highly recommend it."

The Rabid Frenchies were able to knock off the competition at Doc Watson's on Monday night, monsieur. Oui, oui. La poisson rouge es mon frere. Sorry, the only French I know is "The goldfish is my brother."

We Need a John and Quit Using the Bushes was able to pull off a narrow defeat at Doc Watson's on Monday night. But their hard earned victory came with a price: shortly after the contest, three of the team members were stabbed to death by Dick Cheney. "We don't need a bunch of wise asses like these if we want to achieve a new world ord-I mean an honorable conservative agenda," said Cheney before slinking back into the shadows.

Though Dwayne "The Brain" McClain's victory at Doc's has been officially disputed, Johnny has decided to post them as the winners regardless. "Oh, come on," said Hidalgo Monsignor of 3rd Place Suck It Trebek. "I mean, they had that giant brain with mystical powers sitting on the table, and Johnny didn't disqualify them? And I get in trouble if I use my cell phone?" Johnny says that giant mystical brains don't count as "electronic devices" and, for now at least, they are still permissible.

Caleahla Wrap was able to hold off Vinnie Is Hung Like A Can of Tuna at Doc Watson's on Monday night, 84-72. But the story that seemed to get the most media attention was the brand new record, set by Car and Kar (below) of only 18 points. The old record, 19, had been set by a team of Italians who barely spoke the English language. (In case you're wondering, they never took Johnny up on his offer of free champagne, and Johnny never saw the hot Italian chick again. Damn!)

Vinnie and the gang welcomed Johnny back to the place where it all began, as I'm Back blew out the competition to win at Nick's, defeating the Quizlamic Jihad, 101-85. Sadly, Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington was unable to attend.

Dick Cheney's Stockholders, a team of young right wingers, was able to win big at Doc Watson's on Monday night. They also took advantage of their time in the media spotlight to talk about the good side of Halliburton. "Listen, when people say bad things about Halliburton, they're talking about the old Halliburton," said team member Thadley Nickerson III. "The old Halliburton sold Libya and Iraq oil drilling weapons which could be used to detonate nuclear devices and overcharged the army for food and fuel. The new Halliburton cuts people's lawns, and brings you chicken noodle soup when you don't feel well. At Halliburton, it's out with the old and in with the new!"

Shuck it Trebek won big at Doc Watson's, crushing 2nd place Dude Where's My Cab, 100-85. "It was nice having Alex there, shucking," said team member Allison Silverspoon. "It made things a lot easier." Added Rosco McDowell, "Yeah, we shucked the smaller ears of corn. Alex shucked the big one."

Johnny will be returning to the place where it all started, Nick's Roast Beef in Old City, wednesday night at 10:15 p.m..

Randy Watson and Sexual Chocolate won at Doc Watson's on Monday night, defeating the Village Idiots, 86-78. Watson et al then used the opportunity to campaign for their favorite candidate in the upcoming election, Alf Landon. "Listen, this Roosevelt character is running the country right into the ground," said Randy. "Alf is a guy we can trust to get the job done." Added Sexual Chocolate, "Yeah, Fireside Chats are for hosebags. And what's the deal with this 'New Deal'? It'll never work."

The Decrepid Monkey Skeleton (above, below) was able to cook the Cook the MCs Like a Pound of Bacon like a pound of bacon, 98-84 at Doc Watson's on Monday.

After coming from behind to win quizzo at Doc Watson's on Monday night, the Nuns were dealt a swift blow, when an unidentified man threw a chair and hit them in the nose. No one is sure who this man is, but rumor has it he plays baseball. Well, the good news is, he's certainly not brazen enough to strike again, not with heightened security at all JGT events.

Even Losers Get Lucky Sometimes held off Here's Johnny at Doc Watson's monday night, 97-91. The Losers, a group of unemployed slackers with no direction and really limited prospects, actually had a pretty good week. Not only did they win the gift certificate, but on the way home from quizzo they found a prospective employer. "This could be the start of something big," said Jeff Whipple. UPDATE: Jeff was turned down for the job, due to his shady past. "We're looking for losers, not criminals," said a Taco Bell spokesman.

Johnny, distracted by the Sexy Chicks (below) in the back of the room, allowed scores to balloon unnescessarily at Doc Watson's on Monday, as Oh-ho-ho my Goodness was able to hold off the Altruistic Yiddish, 108-105. Sexy Chicks continue to be an impediment to Johnny's goal of World Domination, and his behavior on Monday was met with a stiff rebuke from the Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee, who are contemplating a rule that would bar sexy women from participating in Quizzo.

Oh ho ho My Goodness, a conglomeration of some of America's brightest minds, was able to look defeat in the eyes without squinting, and dispatched of a fiery team from I Robot, 96-91. The win was inspirational, as Jeff Silverbloom of the Goodness was recently diagnosed with scurvy, having somehow gotten it from a 18th century sailor. Long story.

Johnny's mom won for the second time in two tries, this time by Johnny's sister, raising suspicions. I Yam What I Yam team member Jeb Bush said such charges were ridiculous. "Are you kidding me? There's no way that America would stand for such an important contest could come down to nepotism."

Everything seemed to go fine at Doc Watson's on Monday. The winning team, whose name Johnny forgot, worked with a robot to achieve victory. It was a great moment for human-android relations. The robot was perfectly friendly, and I don't know what Will Smith has his panties all up in a bunch for. I mean, robots are...HOLY S***, THAT ROBOT JUST ATE SOMEBODIES HEAD OFF! MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO WILL! I MEAN, HE DID WRITE PARENTS JUST DON'T AAAAAAAAAAAA!

Korsakoff's Drinking Buddies had big smiles on their faces after quizzo at Doc's on Monday. But it wasn't just because they won, but also because of what they won-a cruise around the town with Debra Lafave! But those smiles turned to frowns a few hours later. "We were a little too old for her," said Jeff Studkowski.

The Goat Asses were able to get over the proverbial hump at Nick's on Wednesday and win their first Johnny Goodtimes Spectacular. But Johnny was able to break the biggest news story in Philly this week, as it was discovered that Mary Kate Olsen, or Ashley, or Mary Ashley, or whatever the hell her name is who blows chunks or starves herself or whatever to lose weight was rehabbing at Nick's. "We've got her eating three roast beefs a day, and she's already put on like four pounds," said Nick R. Beef, owner of the establishment. "She should be back to totally sucking in no time."

Emphasizing a strict defense and disciplined offense, Larry Brown was able to deliver again on Monday night, leading 1022 to a 64-62 victory over Sloe Gin Quiz in the greatest defensive battle the game has ever seen. "I like to see the game played the right way," said Brown, who got his wish, as even an enormous quad of med school students was kept at bay. The doctors of tomorrow drank three barzookas and were unable to even break 60 points in JGT Quizzo, and you'll possibly be counting on them to save your life in a medical emergency in a few years. Something to think about.

Irony was the order of the day, as several members of a team called Cataclysmic Bike Crash were injured following their win at Doc Watson's when a crazed bike rider crashed into them. The stranger mentioned something about the basement at the Alamo, then quickly drove off. Police are investigating the suspect, who apparently rode directly to the Forum at 22nd and Market after the accident.

Johnny Goodtimes New Haircut might have been fooled by Johnny's hair (he hasn't had a haircut in like two months), but they were not fooled by his question in Overtime, which allowed them to squeak past Bedtime For Bonzo. It was an emotional contest, and Bedtime for Bonzo was devastated at it's conclusion. "I got a question," said Ralph Snowblower of the Bonzo's. "Why all the hubbub over Reagan dying? I mean, Bonzo was the star of that movie, and I don't remember Gorbachev coming in for his funeral."

The Big Sticks were able to win at Nick's on Wednesday. "That's garbage," said Bill Badaz of the third place team. "They knew that the second round was going to be spelling. Why else would they bring that Tidmarsh kid?" Indeed, the rest of the team left before the photo was taken, but the spelling bee champ had a couple of cold ones, then received the first place trophy from Joe.

Fo' Drizzle was able to squeak out a win at Doc Watson's on Monday night, edging Sloe Gin Quiz, 76-74. And once again Slick "Tank-Top" Harringslack was able to provide a winning team with a spark, just like last week at the Bards. "I don't remember that guy being there," said team member Randolph Mustard. "But if it's on johnnygoodtimes.com, then it must be true."

The Blind Squirrels, who provided the inspiration for "Shrek," made a sequel on Wednesday at Nick's Roast Beef, crushing the second place finishers, Quiz Eye for the Straight Guy. Though the characters were a little different this time around, the result was the same. And more importantly, it provides me with the perfect opportunity to provide the link I promised last week, showing that Banderas did indeed hold Timberlake's hand at a screening of Shrek 2.

A group of Minnesota Rock Stars, known as Mountain Mama and the Vodka Pants, won a tight contest at Watson's on Monday. The Pants were led by Minnesota rocker Prince, who owes his career almost entirely to Johnny, as Goodtimes let him sing after the T/F round a few times in the early 80's. Prince repaid Johnny with a tribute in the song "Kiss." (U just leave it all up to me, I know we could have a Goodtimes.) Anyways, after the contest, the members of the team smashed their guitars into Johnny's amp, because that's what rock stars do.

We Don't Need Regan was able to win at Nick's Roast Beef, despite rising gas prices. "What does that have to do with our victory?" asked team member Chuck Chillout. Johnny has no idea.

Il Cinema Infanticido was able to squeak past Scratchin' and Survivin'...Goodtimes 94-90 at Doc Watson's on Monday. The Lab Dancers (below) finished last despite the fact that Johnny allegedly gave them bonus points just for being cute. "What? Are my critics really saying that? Well, that's 100% not true," countered Goodtimes. "Well, at least 40% not true."

As if winning six Oscar's wasn't enough, "Chicago" took it's show on the road and won big at Nick's on Wednesday. But not everyone was pleased. "Richard Gere sucks," said Joe the bartender, "And I better not see him in here again."

What? Do you really think I forgot the team's name that won at Doc Watson's on Monday? That's ridiculous! Are you kidding me? What? Oh, like I'm going to try to distract you from the facts by showing a picture of my favorite hairdo ever! I took that photo at the Phillies game Thursday! Isn't it great! Seriously, that guy was sitting right behind me.

The Blind Squirrels Won at Nick's Roast Beef, but soon came under fire when it was reported that they were the ringleaders behind last weeks vicious squirrel attack at the Bards. Though the team has denied the allegations, Jim Gardner recently reported that the majority of the Allentown Flying Squirrels are blind, and that the team is currently being held for questioning. Gardner went on to say that this is the most ridiculous story he has ever been a part of, and he thinks Johnny is really just beating a dead horse with this flying squirrel thing.

In what many are considering the biggest upset since the Revolutionary War, Like a Prayer...Shawl? knocked off Getting Into the Paris Hilton and the defending champs Thru Rain, Sleet, or Quizzo at Doc Watson's on Monday. When reached for comment, Revolutionary War leader George Washington said, "Yeah, beating the redcoats was pretty shocking, but I never thought I'd live to see the day when a team that included Frank Dombrowski and Jeff "Slick" Savage won anything besides Naked Chick Photohunt on the Megatouch."

After an exhaustive search, Johnny was able to find the results of a contest which took place in March of 1923 at Doc's Speakeasy (Now known as Doc Watson's Pub). The winners were The Bastart Children of Claire Huxtable, a surprising team name considering that "The Cosby Show" would not debut for another 61 years.

Goodtimes Groupies became the first team to ever win two different quizzos in one week, as they utilized the strength of The Rock to knock off Bombs Over Baghdad, 96-86.. "Yeah, it was kool to have the Rock on our side," said Groupie Toby Witherspoon, "But I really didn't think he had any reason to hit that guy on the second place team over the head with the 2x4."

Goodtimes' Groupies were able to pull away in the final round to knock off the Bastard Children of Claire Huxtable, 93-88, at Doc Watson's on Monday. Groupies are just a fact of life for the master quizzologist. "Yeah, they're everywhere," says Goodtimes. "A lot of people think that my life is just a continuous cycle of sex, drugs, and quizzo. They're right."**

**Johnny would like to remind kids to stay away from drugs, or they too may wind up photoshopping hot groupies onto their websites and pretending like they're big time celebrities who score a lot of tail.

Satan, sensing a chill, shot up from bed on Wednesday night and ran to his window. "When I saw snow falling," said the King of the Underworld, "I knew that somehow, the Nation of Quizlam had avoided choking in Quizzo." The Nation of Quizlam has always been expected to choke in the fourth round. But this week they avoided a meltdown and won handily, and Beelzebub was left out in the cold. "PGW better not start thinking they can bend me over a counter like they do Johnny Goodtimes when it's freezing in Philly. I'm Satan, b****!"

Don't call it a comeback. Screwed the Pooch came from 12 points down in the final round to knock off the Nation of Quizlam at Nick's Roast Beef by 13 points. Sadly the Nation, who had the double digit lead heading hit into the final stanza, hit an iceberg midway through the fourth round. The disaster was so dramatic, so amazing, that Leo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet have already been signed to do a really awful movie about it.

Despite dealing with an injury to Dwayne, who fell off his skateboard in the opening credits, the team of Dwayne, Rerun, Rog, and Shirley were able to pull away in round four at Doc Watson's Quizzo on Monday. The Quizard of Oz finished second. Later it was discovered that the team had been grounded and shouldn't have been out at all, something which came to light when Dee showed up. "Ooooh, I'm gonna tell mama!" she stated before storming out the door.

The Quizaholics Anonymous won at Doc Watson's on Monday night, squeaking past Your Mom's On Tap, 102-97. One of the first round round questions was, "What Hollywood superstar doesn't have time for relationships, so she just has sex in hotel rooms with her friends? Answer: Angelina Jolie. Which brings up this point: If anyone sees or talks with Angelina in the next few weeks, please tell her I'm a great listener, a good shoulder to cry on, and I have no problem keeping secrets.

Ferocious Dump had wanted to get the whole Clay Aiken episode behind them. "We're not even thinking about that clown now that William Hung is on the scene." Alas, they were forced to think about him one last time, as Johnny's camera "mysteriously" broke on Tuesday, forcing Johnny to use an old photo after the Dump's big win. "We have every reason to believe this was an act of sabotage, probably perpetrated by the QLA," said John Ashcroft from a hospital bed where hopefully he'll die. "It has all the earmarks of a QLA (Quizzo Liberation Army) strike. They're still mad that Johnny hasn't responded to their demands that the True-False Round be dissolved. If Johnny wasn't such a leftist pinko commie we would do a full investigation. "

Hawaii Quiz-O, hot on the trail of the evil Wo Fat, stopped by Nick's Roast Beef on Wednesday night, withstood a late charge from the Peco Power Play, and took a victory back to the islands. Then they noticed a local sleezebag, Otis "Silver Fox" Maplethorpe playing for another team. Danny Williams caught the swarthy bastard trying to escape out the door. Book 'em, Danno!

Quiz U Iz or Quiz U Ain't won at Nick's Wednesday night, knocking off the Power Play, 86-78. But the big story was Nick's change of bartenders. Joe, an Olde City legend, was recently traded to Houston for Yao Ming. "Yeah, Ming isn't quite as polished as Joe was, and he doesn't speak real good English, but he can easily snag bottles off our top shelf," said bar owner Nick R. Beef. Nick's also got a 2005 2nd round draft pick in the deal.

The Troy McClure's were able to fight off the Sloe Gin Quiz on Monday night, despite tragically losing one of their leaders, Chucky Needlebump. Chucky, who had taken a part time gig as a prison guard at the Bastille, was overcome by a swarm of the bloodthirsty bourgeois. They led him to the Hotel de Ville, where, utilizing the most humane form of execution yet, they guillotined his head. "We were able to retrieve the head before they hung it on a post at the city gates," said team member and Jeanne Luc Pierre. "Viva La France! Viva La Troy McClure's!"

Yonah and the Small Balls were able to escape from Nick's with a narrow victory after, holding true to form, the Nation of Quizlam choked in the final round. Needing only to name the seven dwarves to force an overtime, the Nation could not get Sneezy. And to make matters worse, the mistake left them out of the money, as Hinkley's Cold Storage finished second.

In a scathing article three weeks ago, Johnny Goodtimes claimed that the City Paper was satisfied with being second best. He was eating those words on Wednesday, as staff members of the City Paper won at both Black Sheep and Nick's. Johnny, who claims he was misquoted (which doesn't make much sense, since he wrote the article), was humiliated after the events. To further discredit the Quiz Doctor, City Paper revealed it's cover for next week's paper (below).

After three rounds, Quizzo's Harder than Michael Jackson at Disneyland and the Clinical Pearl Necklace were tied at 51 at Doc Watson's on Monday. But any chance the Necklaces had to win were shot when the Quizzo's scored forty in the final round to take the title. Michael Jackson, meanwhile, was furious at the team name, because "it implies something sexual. When I hide behind trees at Disneyland and stare at children, it isn't sexual. It's because I'm creepy."

The Wardrobe Malfunction was able to pull off a big 14 point win at Nick's on Wednesday night. "It was a big win for us," said former Brat-Packer James Spader (In photo, with Polo sweater and collar up.) As for Spader's future plans? "My career kind of stalled after the eighties. I'm hoping hanging out with an international megastar like Johnny Goodtimes will get me some 'ins' in showbiz."

The Wet Gremlin Fart carried themselves with the swagger of a champion Monday at Doc Watson's, arriving 20 minutes late and then crushing the competition, becoming only the second team at Doc Watson's to join the 100 point club. Then, in the team photo, they proved that they did all that with the handicap of being certifiably insane.

An outrage has followed last nights quizzo at Nick's Roast Beef. I Want My M-Tit-V won with the only 100 point contest of the week, but the buzz was about the halftime show. At the conclusion of a duo between he and Janet Jackson, Johnny Goodtimes ripped off her bra, exposing her nipple. "For this to happen twice in four days is just ridiculous," said CBS spokesman Randolph McDanolph. CBS was covering Quizzo live at the time of the incident, and just over 70 million were tuned in. Goodtimes was flabbergasted. "Seriously, this time it was a wardrobe malfunction. She was actually supposed to rip my pants off, but when she reached over to do that, her bra fell off. It's really just a huge coincidence." McDanolph added that live TV programming is just too risky, so CBS will be going off the air for good next Wednesday, and concentrating on radio programming.

Sloe Gin Quiz was able to fight off I'm Gonna Have You Naked by the End of This Round in exciting fashion on Monday at Doc Watson's, 99-98. The squad was then able to recruit two cuties for the victory photo. "It wasn't hard. We told them we were a boy band," said Rex Pocahantes. "We obviously look like one."

You Better Have My Cheez Whiz, led by Howard Dean, won at Nick's Roast Beef on Wednesday night, but might have damaged their campaign when they allowed Dean to provide an impromptu stump speech at the conclusion of the contest. "After this, we're going to Doc Watson's," the Democratic hopeful screamed, almost maniacally. "Then we're going to O'Neals, and we're going to the Bards, and we're going to win it at Rendezvous, and win at Black Sheep, and then we'll come back and win at Nick's again!!!Waaaaaaaaaaaa!

A team calling itself "One Outta Two Ain't Bad NASA" won on Monday at Doc Watson's, leaving NASA incensed. The space agency quickly sent a third rover, this one named "Enforcer," to the bar. It arrived shortly after the contest ended and zapped team leader Lars Lieberman, killing him instantly. "I can't believe NASA would act in such a heartless manner," said team member Stacy Wordsworth. "I mean, we were just kind of playing around with the team name. If we had known it would lead to death and destruction, we probably would have picked a name like the Ponies or something." NASA faces a $500 fine from the Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee.

What? You think I forgot to take a picture of "Is That a Barnacle" on Monday after they won Quizzo at Doc Watson's and just used an old photo of them winning from another bar? Are you out of your mind? That's ridiculous. Johnny Goodtimes is an infallible pro, and your insinuation that I would make such a stupid mistake fills me with anger. I'm going to have to ask you to leave the room.

The Staff was able to hold off the Nation of Quizlam on Wednesday night at Nick's Roast Beef. Club 501 finished third. Usually, Nick's offers a $50 gift certificate for the winner. But in an effort to up the ante even further, Johnny has announced that next week's winner will go home with a brand new car!**

**This is a lie.

A powerful blizzard blew into Nick's Roast Beef on Wednesday night, making conditions miserable for the players. "I could barely see my paper," said Jacques Juicetoe of the second place Flying Monkeys. But Mr. Wahn was able to fight through the miserable conditions and rack up 98 points. "They should really think about putting a retractable dome on this place," said Chase Halliburton of the Mr. Wahn squad. "I mean my cheese fries were delicious as always, but all that snow made them a little soggy."

The Slow Gin Quiz was able to knock off Always a Quizzo Bridesmaid with a steady if unspectacular 79-72 win. The team, which is rather accustomed to finishing last, got off to a quick lead and held on in round four. There is a time change this coming week: Watson's will begin at 8:15 p.m. For teams that might be more clever than smart: Doc Watson's is the only Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo that offers a gift certificate for best team name.

Us Again was able to sweep past the field at Nick's Roast Beef on Wednesday, which earned them a sweeping endorsement from Pete Rose. "Hey, these guys are winners. Will they repeat next week? Well, let's just say that's where I've got my money."

The Broad Street Bullies were able to pull off another victory on Tuesday by answering the weekly double question correctly and squeak past the Jams. I'm not sure what place the girls below finished but hey, let's face it, who the hell cares. When they play, we all win.

Rochelle Rochelle was able to leave Aiken for Clay in the dust in Round number Four and take the cake at Doc Watson's on Monday. Aiken for Clay left their namesake disappointed. "I guess we're losers, just like Clay," said Randolph Hernmeister of the Aikens. "It was nice of Clay to come and support us," said team member Chelsea Clockwise, "And I felt bad that the owner of the bar made him watch from outdoors, on account of Clay being such a loser."

Oblivia Dehaviland was able to hold on and win a squeaker at the Centre Square Bar and Grille. After the game, Johnny was quoted as saying, "I never doubted this team's mental capabilities, but after naming the team after a 1940's supporting actress, I do have some questions about their sexuality. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

The Troy McClures were a handful on Monday at Doc Watson's Pub, but father figure Dick Van Patten was able to get the team to buckle down in round four and run away with an 82-68 victory. "It was nice to have Dick there," said team captain Dr. Chuckie Needlebump. "I'm just sorry that Adam Rich (Nicholas) couldn't make it."

Frank Clement's North pulled away in round four at Centre Square Bar and Grille at Bedford Falls on Tuesday, and cruised to a victory over Dewey Cheatum and Howe. The team, which has been ravaged by injuries in the past few months, was finally able to get their whole squad on the field.

Professor Flapjack defeated the much maligned Team Hater, 100-89 on Monday at Doc Watson's. The articles on the website kind of suck this week, but that's because I've hit the sauce pretty heavily over the holidays. I really need to pull it together.

The Nation of Quizlam was able to hold off the competition at Nick's on Wednesday, then asked that their picture not be doctored, so as not to take away from their lovely faces. This same squad also complained about their photo with N.W.A. a couple of weeks ago. Anyone who has a message for this narcissistic group of also-rans and ne'er-do-wellers, please feel free to click on "comments" at the bottom of this article. In more exciting news, Santa made a brief appearance, keeping an eye on his ho-ho-hos. (Photo below)

The Four Letter Words, a collection of some of the most brilliant legal minds in the city, got an added boost on Tuesday with the addition of Johnny Cochran, who led them to a victory over Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe, 98-90. Cochran was overjoyed after the win. "I thought this win was splendiferous for the amalgamation of conglomerates we have assembelized. The victory was not only monumentous, it was consequentially extemperaneous." The others agreed.

Special Ed Ed pulled off one of the greatest comebacks in Quizzo history on Monday night at Doc Watson's, overcoming a fourteen point deficit in the final round to move past Risky Quizness. Another way of putting that, of course, is that Risky Quizness pulled off one of the greatest chokes in Quizzo history. Special Ed Ed won a squeaker, 80-79. The Troy McClures had their worst performance ever, finishing a disappointing fourth.

Controversy erupted, as it seems to every week, after last nights Quizzo at Nick's Roast Beef. In overtime, the Plaster of Paris Hilton won second place (Worth $25) when one of their team members was able to spell Baryshnikov correctly. However, it was discovered early this morning after a thorough investigation that the man who spelled the great dancer's name correctly was none other than the world renowned Krazylegs Kruschev, who danced with Mikhail at the Russian School of Ballet from 1969-1973! The picture below, taken in 1972, clearly proves it! The Johnny Goodtimes Ethical Committee is looking into any possible improprieties. A spokesman for third place finisher Coochie Kream said that the team was "piping mad."

The Cousin F@%&' Monkeys blew past the competition in Round Four of Wednesday night's Quizzo at Nick's Roast Beef. The Monkeys,
a collection of one woman and three lonely men who struggle to keep their fires lit and cabins warm, were able to come out on top on a hoary night at Nick's. Plaster of Paris Hilton was able to win second in overtime, moving past the Coochie Kream.

Troy McClure (who you may remember from such films as "Quizmaster and Commander" and "The Quizard of Oz") swung by Doc Watson's after round two on Monday, and helped catapult The Troy McClures from last place to first, knocking off Quizzle in the Hizzle, 90-89. "Having Troy McClure show up was a real boost," said team leader Chuckie Needlebump. "He's got this sense of confidence that just rubs off on the rest of the team."

The Jams were able to squeak by the Bullies as Frank Clements hottest rivalry heated up again at Centre Square Bar and Grille. The Bullies, who had joined forces with once bitter enemies Dewey and Howe, were one letter away from spelling Baryshnikov right, which would have given them the title. Instead the Jams came away with the 95-93 win.

The Nation of Quizlam was able to squeeze past the Atari Monkeys on Wednesday at Nick's Roast Beef, 92-89. But they wouldn't have been able to do it without their friends-from the rap group N.W.A.! "That MC Ren is a lot smarter than people give him credit for," said team leader Otis "Silver" Spoons. "And Ice Cube knows a lot about state capitols, which paid off in the wildcard round." But it was Eazy E who really came through in round four, scoring the bonus question right and taking the team over the top. "The Boys N Da Hood are not only hard," continued Otis, "But they're smart as well!"

Dewey, Bully, and Howe were able to squeak past the Consultants in the first ever Quizzo at Centre Square Bar and Grille, 95-94. Shortly after the contest, DB & H received a telegraph from the 1903 Boston Pilgrims, who won the first ever World Series. "They just said that they knew how we were feeling, both being the winner of huge inaugural events and all," said DB & H member Rollie Cornwright. "They also said that they would buy us a round, but they can't because they're all dead."

The Whiskey Lou Rebellion, playing in honor of a favorite judge who recently passed away, were able to rip the monkey from their backs in convincing fashion on Monday, fighting off the Moe Syslack Experience, 91-86. The Rebellion, who had won the first quizzo they had participated in, months ago, and had not won since, were relieved to get a win. "Those monkeys were poorly behaved. They would hurl their own feces, screech through the night, and stab me with their swords," said team member Sal Alamo. "I'm glad that's all done with."

Special Ed Ed was barely able to hold off defending champs Vandolay Industries at Doc Watson's Pub on Monday. Ed had a 16 point lead going into the last round, but the Industries were able to fight off a fierce buzz and fell by only by a point, 90-89. The Dildogs pulled off an almost impossible feat in Round Three, getting nine wrong-IN THE TRUE/FALSE ROUND! According to my calculations, the odds aginst that happening are 512-1.

The Atari Monkeys pulled past the Nation of Quizlam to win at Nick's Roast Beef on Wednesday night. Two of the team's players tested positive for steroids, but Johnny's steroid policy was inspired by Major League Baseball's. "Everybody is concentrating on the negative. I'm impressed that 50% of the winning team isn't on steroids. Why isn't anyone talking about that?" said Johnny.

The Bloody Noses, a team of local doctors "tying one on" to relieve the stress of having to perform open heart surgery in a few hours, were able to stagger to a 98-93 win over Special Ed Ed in the first ever Quizzo at Doc Watson's. "You know," said Dr. Chuckie Needlebump (in photo, top right) "This is my first ever heart surgery. So to go into it with not only a buzz, but also a win, gives me the relaxation and confidence I'll need to perform so delicate a procedure."

Livin' Feelin' stayed alive on Wednesday at Nick's, blowing out the competiton, making the Nation of Quizlam look more like a Banana Republic of morons. Actually, the Nation was able to finish second, edging out Fo' Quizzel My Nizzel and overcoming a pathetic display by the defending champion Monkey Test-EZ, who couldn't even crack 70. I will have an absolutely crazy story about last weeks quizzo on the website in a few days, so stay tuned.

The Monkey Test-EZ were able to hold off the Thundercats-Hoe, The Nation of Quizlam, and Fo' Quizzel My Nizzel to win the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular at the place it all began, Nick's Roast Beef. The Monkeys were able to win despite having "Extra Baggage" Bagley (pictured at far right), who has an IQ that hovers around 30.

Frank Clements was sold recently, and when the staff showed up for work on November 1st, they were told they no longer had jobs. There were a lot of wonderful people who worked there, and I will sorely miss them. It was really neat to be a part of Philadelphia history, and I'm sorry that all of that was gone overnight. There aren't many places like that left.
I thoroughly enjoyed the regular crowd we had on Tuesday nights, and though I know we can never recreate that experience entirely, I do hope we can find somewhere else to meet. If you have anything to say about the Frank Clements closing or would like to let me know where we should try to do a quizzo on Tuesdays at 6:00 p.m., please check out the message board. I have spoken with several bars in the area, and I would like to find one where you guys would feel most comfortable. Edie, everyone's favorite waitress, wrote a note that I thought you guys might like to read.

Murda Was the Case at Nick's Roast Beef Wednesday night, as Fo' Quizzel My Nizzel killed Money For Nothing in Round Four, scoring a miraculous come from behind victory. It was a win that Fo' Quizzel fans will cherish forever as their team scored fifty points in round five. A new standard was set, as they became the first team to ever go from worst to first in the final round, overcoming 50-38 lead held by Money for Nothing. But Money for Nothing choked in the final round, and don't think Fo' Quizzel sharpshooter Reggie Miller let them forget it. The Nation of Quizlam finished third with 84, O'Neals champion Team Hater finished a disappointing fourth with 81, and Happy Mommy was fifth with 80.

The Jams became the first team to three-peat, holding off Special Ed Ed and Satan's Penis (The Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee is still deciding whether to impose sanctions on Satan's Penis for poor taste). The Jams have been all but unbeatable for the last two months, winning five of the last six contests.

The summer was warm for most people in Philly, but not for Hi Ho Silver, who were on a cold streak of Siberian proportions. That ended last night, as they were able to hold off the Nation of Quizlam by a 72-67 score. The Nation had finished last a week before, but made some roster changes and should be a force to reckon with in the future.

One member of Deweey Cheatum and Howe (whose name I won't mention-you'll never guess) screamed and moaned when I announced that the second round would be baseball, then her team got a perfect score that round. But that was not enough to hold off the Jams, who came from behind to knock off DC and H, 88-85. This was the Jams second straight win, and fourth in the last five. The cute girls who played last week were no-shows, leaving Johnny bitter and disillusioned.

The Blow Monkeys looked all but dead trailing Easy Money 43-20 early in the evening. But then the Monkeys hit their stride and spanked the field on their way to 73 points.

The Jams were able to climb back on top, winning for the third time in the last four weeks, a streak interrupted only by Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe last week. The Broad Street Bullies were able to finish finish second. More importantly, the cute girls in the back finished fourth or fifth or something, and Johnny hopes they contact him.

His Boy Elroy crushed the competition again, breaking the 100 point barrier for the second straight week. The Black Sheep Flockers, attempting to become the first team to win back to back Quizzos (Black Sheep and Nick's), took a 52-51 lead into the final round, but fell to pieces under the pressure.

Do We Get Cheated and How blew past the field in the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular on Tuesday at Frank Clements, knocking off the second place finishers (Special Ed Ed) 105-92. 105 was the third highest score ever in a Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo. Two time defending champs the Jams finished third.

The Johnny Goodtimes Productions Executive Committee will look into the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular Record Being broken twice in the same day. "110 points and 108 points both being scored on the same night is unacceptable," said committee chairman Lex Stroker. "And when you see how good looking the two new record holders are, it brings back some unpleasant memories of Charles Van Doren and The $64,000 Question."

Critics of Johnny Goodtimes were not pleased. "Shouldn't there be an independant counsel looking into this?" asked avowed Goodtimes enemy Kenneth Starr.

Goodtimes said that "This is a tempest in a teapot. No improprieties exist. Any other questions should be directed to my lawyer."

His Boy Elroy turned in a remarkable performance on Wednesday night, breaking the hours old record with a 110. They answered 38 out of 40 questions correctly to blow past the competition. The Horsecranks finished 2nd, with a respectable 96.

The Jams won at Frank Clements for the second straight week, crossing the 100 point threshold again. They barely overcame a spirited performance by Special Ed, who has finished in the money for three consecutive weeks with a 97. (One first and two seconds.) Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe finished third with a 95.

The Jams exploded for a record 103 points to set a new Johnny Goodtimes Brain Attack record on Tuesday. They did the impossible, scoring a perfect 55 in the Impossible Round. Defending Champs Special Ed Ed had the lead going into round four, but had to settle for second place with 92 points. The Broad Street Bullies, minus a couple of key players, were still able to grab third place after a slow start.

It was a record setting night at Nick's Roast Beef as "Horse Cranks" set the Nick's Roast Beef quizzo record and tied the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular record with an impressive 96 points. Bill & Mike finished 2nd with 84 points, defending champ "His Boy Elroy" finished a dissapointing 5th, with 70 points.
Will Horse Cranks be able to defend their title? Will their Ivy League ringer return? Will their parole officers pick them up before next Wednesday? Will "Special Ed Ed" accept the Horse Cranks challenge to show up in Old City? Only one way to find out. Show up next Wednesday for the next chapter in Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular history.

Special Ed Ed scored a perfect score through the first two rounds, and held off the Sealappers in round four, to win 96-92. The Broad Street Bullies struggled in the wild card round, and landed in third with 87. The defending champs Do We Get Cheated and How never got on track, finishing with 66.

Known as "The Jose Mesas" in the quizzo world due to their late game breakdowns, Do We Get Cheated and How were finally able to rip the monkey from their backs in stirring fashion, holding off Ditech by one point, 95-94. The Broad Street Bullies, who are about as popular in Philadelphia as Andy Reid's playcalling, had a seven point lead going into the final stanza, but uncharacteristically fell apart and scored only 30 in the fourth round.

One man Überstar romps at Nick's Roast Beef. Don Seymour (His Boy Elroy)overcame a twelve point deficit in the final round to shock defending champ Fingerless Phrenology Limited, 83-80. Don was the only player to spell "sesqicentenary" correctly in the final round. Phrenology missed it by one letter, and thus lost the illustrious $50 gift certificate.

Congratulations to 5th place finisher "We'll Rape the Winner" for making everyone feel a little uncomfortable. You've won the Johnny Goodtimes Name of the week prize!

The Broad Street Bullies aren't the most poular team in town, but you can't argue with the results. The Bullies were able to fight off a scrappy Orange Crush squad on Tuesday to win the Johnny Goodtimes Brain Attack at Frank Clements.