May 2008 Archives

O'NEALS

1. Dorksided 94
2. Presentable 88
3. We Got Nothin' 88
4. Young, Old, and Restless 68

BARDS

1. Sofa Kingdom 105
2. Hurtin' Bombs 100
3. Narcotyzing Dysfunktion 98
4. Western Omelette 83
5. Dentists of Mass Destruction 65

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS

1. The Jams 100
2. Trust Us We Know 90
3. My Mom Says I'm Cool 78
4. 1022 78
5. Kalamazoo 70

BLACK SHEEP

1. Duane's World 107
2. WTF's Last Stand 103
3. Axis of Evil Knievel 98
4. Chiavettas 91
5. This is Not a Bus 85

GOOD DOG

1. Oakwood Reach Around 91
2. Shomer Shabbas 78
3. Awesome Aussies 77
4. The Underachievers 75
5. Team Dysfunctional 65

BARDS

1. Suck It Trebeck 113
2. Please Leave 'Em On 101
3. Italian Spiderman 95
4. Lewis Haynes 81
5. PCR 67

Using the same journalistic tools used by Malkin, I was able to see through Dunkin' Donuts and Rachael Ray's sly attempt to comfort the enemy. I think you're gonna like this one.

In a rare event that brought all Americans together, Michelle Malkin was hit by a train today. The neocon commentator, who earlier this week said that Dunkin Donuts ads gave comfort to the enemy, was hit by the train only moments after this picture was taken by me.

"I asked her to move a little to the left, a little to the left, a little to the left, and next thing you know, she got hit by that train," I said. "This has really been a tragic accident. I feel awful. Well, not awful, but I don't feel good about causing Michelle Malkin to get hit by that fast-moving train. Well, at least I don't feel GREAT about it."

Malkin, who is actually an evil racist robot, suffered severe circuitry damage. "We don't know if we can save her, after she got hit by that train," said Malkin creator David Duke.

Ticker tape parades were being scheduled in several major cities, with Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter proclaiming, "This is a great day for America. It is nice to know that, as of today, there is one less evil racist robot in the world, thanks to that fast-moving train."

Condolences for the racist, whiny, snivelling, squawking robot were non-existent.

Hey gang, great event going on Saturday night. Some of you joined me at the bowling parties in South Philly last year and we had a blast. Well, this year there is another bowling event at the same place, with the added incentive that all of the money goes to a great charity. The Urban Nutrition Initiative, which is a university-community partnership based at Penn, tries to make inner city youth more aware of the importance of good nutrition, and helps the kids grow gardens at a number of schools in the area. For more info on the charity, click here. The event is $25, and starts at 7 p.m. on Saturday. Hope to see you there!

In case you missed it, I wrote my column this week on the Civil War museum, which is set to close at the July. I highly suggest checking it out before it does. This place is a hidden jewel. Philly has a lot more than Independence Hall and the Art Museum. See my visit to The Weaver School of Dentistry. Anybody know any other hidden jewel museums in the area?

I was just sitting here, with CNN on in the other room, and the news woman said, "Houston we have a problem...with the plumbing." Something about the space shuttle, but who cares. The point is that "Houston we have a problem" is the hackiest, lamest cliche ever, and I see and hear it constantly. Just watch, the next time the Phils play the Astros, if we lose, the Inquirers headine will read, "Houston, We Have a Problem." This drives me insane. I swear, people (especially newscasters and newspapers) use this line all the time and it makes me nutty. It's not funny, it's not original, it's just stupid. What tv and newspaper cliches get you angry?

Well, details are fairly scant, and pretty much all I know about the event is from their tickets page. The basics are: June 7, 2008 Bally's Beach Bar 1900 Pacific Avenue Atlantic City, NJ Registration starts at 1:30 p.m., with game starting at 3 p.m. It should last about 3 1/2 hours. Let me know if you are interested in putting a team together and I'll let the guy running it know how many folks are coming up from Philly. There is a $2,000 pot, but I don't know how much goes to the winners. I think it's $20 a pop, and teams are up to 10.

The Saint Paul Saints, a minor league baseball team I read about recently in an excellent book called Slouching Toward Fargo, had a special promotion last week in honor of National Tap Dance Day. It was bobblefoot day, a not so subtle reference to something that happened at the nearby Minneapolis airport. The team said that the it was a "tribute to all their toe-tapping friends and fans from around the nation who may ever have set foot in Minneapolis-St. Paul… even for just a change of planes." This is not to be confused with the Larry Craig Action figure.

Chip is gonna be on the Ministry of Secret Jokes show tonight at Fergie's. Went to the last one. Took a little warming up to get into it, because I came in late, but it turned out to be pretty hilarious. Starts at 9 p.m. Here's some more info courtesy of Phawker.

Hey gang, our summer basketball league starts this weekend, and I still need coaches, referees, general helpers, etc. Also, this summer, I am helping put together a pretty intensive study program for about 10-12 of the teens in one of our leagues. I need someone who is looking (teacher, perhaps?) for a little extra scratch during the summer. Looking primnarily for English and/or Math help. 3 or 4 days a week, 2 hours a day, and pretty good pay. Please contact me if you are interested in either. Thanks!

Stone appeared as the "bad guy" in this 2004 film, considered one of the worst movies ever made.

Sharon earned an Oscar nomination for her role as a cokehead mom named Ginger in this 1995 film.

Stone starred in this 1993 film about voyeurism with William Baldwin.

Stone starred in this 1990 sci-fi film with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Sharon Stone starred in this 1988 star studded classic with Carl Weathers and Craig T. Nelson. Yes, that's right, Carl Weathers and Craig T. Nelson in the same film.

Alright, running a little late because of the holiday with last weeks photos, but now is the time. Following her brilliant comments about how the Chinese earthquake was caused by kharma, we dedicate the questions under the pictures to Sharon Stone. One guess per person. No cheating.

After building this cathedral in the late 1550s, legend has it that architect Postnik Yakovlev was blinded, so that he could never build anything to rival its beauty again. What is the name of this famous cathedral?

Hope everybody had a great holiday weekend. Mine was awesome. Got to hang out with Lucia (who is turning one in July) and the rest of the family all weekend, and even got in a beach day yesterday. Getting back on the road now. In the meantime, a few things of note:

• Dunno if you saw Jim Salisbury's ratings of major league ballparks on Sunday. If not, here it is. Pretty interesting.


• Happy birthday, Todd Bridges!


• Something tells me that when I arrive home from my trip, I will not find a large bag of dope in my suitcase. However, if I was flying back from Tokyo, well, I wouldn't be so sure.

O'NEALS

1. We Got Nothin' 109
2. Dorksided 102
3. It Is A Toomah 99
4. Young, Old, and Restless 84
5. Corniscope 75

BARDS

1. Suck It Trebeck 113
2. Narcotyzing Dysfunktion 103
3. Omelette Kingdom 102
4. Hurtin Bombs 97
5. Just the Tip 81

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS

1. The Jams 113
2. L. Ron Hubbard's Diabetics 96
3. The Un-Dead Kennedys 93
4. 1022 86
5. Moondogs 76

BLACK SHEEP

1. Axis of Evil Knieval 111
2. Penn 15 Club 99
3. Duane's World 93
4. Mighty Mighty Jonass 89
5. Midnight Summer 86

BARDS

1. Hot Rod 106
2. Let's Go Back to Study Hall and Discuss Apartheid 91
3. Jeff Where are You? 77
4. Girls From Aspen Are Easy 73
5. Why is the Kitchen Closed 68

Couple of things of note on the Kerri Lee site. First up, a bit more of a write up on the trip to Intercourse, including some photos. Second, if you missed this weeks quiz, I highly suggest you take the FOX or crap round. I posted it on Kerri Lee's blog. I think it's a pretty great 50/50 round.

This one comes courtesy of Steve O.: What National League East team is 81-81 since last June 1st? I'll give you a hint: hairy necked fans.

Happy 52nd birthday to Marvelous Marvin Hagler! I saw that it was his birthday and thought back to watching his fight against Thomas Hearns as a kid, possibly the most exciting boxing match I've ever seen on TV. (Do yourself a favor and at least watch the first round. One of the greatest boxing rounds ever.)

1. Who wrote the Maltese Falcon?
2. What is known as the Master Spice?
3. The first ship to ever sail from Europe to India went in search of spices. Who was the captain of that ship?
4. What James wrote the book Go Tell It on the Mountain in 1953?
5. What beer company makes Zima?
6. Aldous Huxley got the title Brave New World from this Shakespeare play, which contained a spirit named Ariel and is believed to have been the Bards last play.
7. What car gets its name from the latin for "I roll"?
8. Who is credited with the line: these are the times that try mens souls?
a) FDR b) Thomas Paine c) Winston Churchill d) Thomas Jefferson
9. Actor Simon MacCorkindale would transform into various creatures such as panthers and dolphins in this aptly named show in 1983.
10. Emily's Reasons Why Not was Cancelled after just one episode in 2006. Who was the star of that show?

There will be no Sofa Kingdom, no Hurtin' Bombs, and no Narctyzing Dysfunktion tonight at the Bards quizzo. Translation: Your team might actually win! Remember, no quizzo at Good Dog tonight. Quizzo at Bards begins at 10:15 p.m.

In honor of Sir Arthur COnan Doyle's 149th birthday, I suggest you read a Sherlock Holmes short story or two. A couple of my favorites are The Adventure of the Speckled Band and The Adventure of the Dancing Men. I suspect most of you went through a Sherlock Holmes phase at some point. If you didn't, do yourself a favor and read these stories. After these two, you'll be hooked. And even if you have read them, it's probably been years. Do yourself a favor and read them again. They are no less brilliant the second time around. Conan Doyle rocks.

This was pointed out by alert reader Phil: someone changed the movie that Mark Linn-Baker starred in with Peter O'Toole on Linn-Bakers wiki page, apparently in an effort for some teams to get it wrong! According to the wikihistory, first they posted the movie as Super Fuzz, then Hot Fuzz, and now Carbon Copy (none of which are correct). This is one of the most devious (yet somewhat admirable) attempts I have ever seen to gain 5 points over your enemies. These changes were made today, so this was no accident. Is Super Fuzz, followed by Hot Fuzz, followed by Carbon Copy, some sort of code to mankind? What will the Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee have to say about this? Will the culprit reveal themselves at quizzo, or are they in the lab, preparing more diabolical stunts to ensure victory and a $25 gift certificate?Stay tuned.

Growing up in Virginia, this guy's commercials would regularly show up during daytime programming, and they were amazing (His office is in Hampton Roads). Watch the horrific accidents going on in the background as he talks. This was not a satire. This was an actual commercial. And he had plenty of others just as horrific. My mom called one time to complain, and they hung up on her. Oh, and I'll give you one guess as to where Lowell "The Hammer" grew up? That's right. New Jersey.

A few quick words from Robert Gates, US Secretary of Defense, about Iran the day before Bush made his appeasers remark in Israel: “We need to figure out a way to develop some leverage . . . and then sit down and talk with them,” Gates said. “If there is going to be a discussion, then they need something, too. We can’t go to a discussion and be completely the demander, with them not feeling that they need anything from us.”

Oops. What he meant to say was, "What's going to happen if Iran doesn't do exactly what we say? My prediction: Pain."

How will Mr. T's birthday go? My prediction: Pain.

Headed down to DC yesterday afternoon with Gabe from the Omelette and a few of the guys from the Kingdom. The traffic was surprisingly smooth. We got there and rolled in. The stadium just opened this year, so they still have a few kinks to work out. Parking is still kind of a crapshoot, and plenty expensive. Cheapest lots we found were $25. Rolled into a Permit Parking Lot only, where the girl told us, she's let us park there for $20 "on the DL". Why can't I go anywhere without being sketchy? Anyways, we walked up got tickets. They say the stadium has been pretty empty this year, and one reason is the tickets. The tickets down in the lower level are waaaaay more expensive than they are in Philly. For example, tickets right above the dugout in Philly are $50. In DC, they are $75. Lower level outfield in Philly is $24. In DC, it's $35.

As for the ballpark itself, the first thing I thought of when I walked in was, "I feel like I'm in a video game ballpark." Hard to explain, but everyone agreed with me. Everything was sort of harshly angled, the scoreboard was so huge it was borderline silly, and there were areas that didn't really make any sense (A section right behind the center field wall that I think was, no kidding, a sandy hill spray painted green to look like it had grass on it, like they ran out of money before they could lay the last of the sod.)

The concourses were extremely dull. Both the walkways and the floor were sort of tannish white color. The food choices were ok, and there didn't seem to be much of an effort to support local institutions, either beer wise or food wise. The stadium was a very fair representation of this team: generic and somewhat uninteresting. And the field will torture the Phillies for years to come, as it is not a home run hitters ballpark. The Phils had three or four hits last night that would have been gone at CBP, but were routine pop flies at Nationals Park.

By far the highlight of the night was the president race, when the four guys with huge heads raced around the track. Apparently Teddy Roosevelt has never won, and on this night his streak continued, as he finished a distant third. Teddy really looks lost out there, but I still bet he could beat Ryan Howard in a footrace.

Anyways, the best part of the (terrible) game was how eerie the first four innings were for the Phillies:
1st Inning: Rollins out, Victorino singles, Utley singles, Howard out, Burrell out
2nd Inning: Jenkins double, Feliz out (fails to advance the runner), Ruiz out but advances runner, Myers out
3rd Inning: Rollins out, Victorino singles, Utley singles, Howard out, Burrell out
4th Inning: Jenkins double, Feliz out (fails to advance the runner), Ruiz out but advances runner, Myers out

Weird. Anyways, it turned out to be quite possibly the worst Phillies game I have ever seen, as the listless Phightins' went down 4-0, despite a crowd that was probably abotu 50% pro-Phillies. But a bad day at the ballpark still beats a good day workin'.

Yo, my homeboy Matt is the guitar player for a band in Brooklyn called Big Bang TV, and they are playing tonight at the Fire (412 West Girard). If you don't play quizzo tonight, go check 'em out. Show kicks off at 9 p.m. (Word on the street is that this is Mike Huckabee's favorite band.)

Quick quizzo note: There will be no quizzo on Thursday at the Good Dog due to a private party they are having. So, only one quiz this week, b/c I ain't making a new one for just the Bards on Thursday.

What 1982 movie did Mark Linn-Baker star in with Peter O'Toole?

Pinchot and Mark Linn-Baker: greatest comedy duo ever?

After losing two of three to the Blue Jays, it was obvious that the Phils needed my help (They are 5-0 in games I have attended this year, and 19-21 in games I don't attend). So I am heading down to DC to cheer them on against the Nationals. First time checking out the new stadium in DC. I'll let you know how it is. In the meantime, here's a short writeup I did about the Italian Market Festival on Kerri Lee's blog.

• The guillotine was invented because it was supposedly the most humane way to kill people. However, there are many people who believe that the mind stays alive for about about 30 seconds after it leaves the body, and that during the French Revolution, people would tell their friends that they would blink after their head came off if they were still conscious, and then did so. They can't talk, of course, because they have no vocal cords.
• A doctor in Cleveland (typical) performed a head transplant on a monkey a few years ago, and wants to do the same to humans. He is going to start by trading my head with George Clooneys. Now I bet you're sorry you blew me off this weekend, girl!
• Speaking of chicks, have you heard the story of Mike the Headless Chicken? If not, it is well worth reading. A guy cut a chicken's head off but the chicken lived for another year and a half. And the Mike the Headless Chicken Festival was just this past weekend! It was probably fun, but I doubt it was an Intercourse Rhubarb Festival Bake off Extravaganza (photos and story coming manana.)

This disciple of Rousseau and architect of the Reign of Terror was himself beheaded in 1794.

This writer, poet, soldier, courtier, financier, and explorer was beheaded at the Tower of London in 1618.

This queen was beheaded for trying to assassinate Queen Elizabeth in 1587.

Anne Boleyn was one of Henry VIIIs two wives to be beheaded. Who was the other?

In 1305, this knight was emasculated, hung, drawn and quartered, and finally decapitated.

This preacher was beheaded a few months before Jesus was crucified, as he had denounced Herod Antipas marriage.

It was on this date in 1536 that Anne Boleyn was decapitated. So questions under last weeks winners will be about decapitation. One guess per person.

O'NEALS

1. Team Awesome! Woohoo! 89*
2. No Names 89
3. We Got Nothin' 85
4. Cornbread Mafia 83
5. Bang the Nun Slowly 66

BARDS

1. Hurtin' Bombs 110
2. Sofa Kingdom 98
3. Narcotyzing D 84
4. Marc Andre Fleury 67
5. Revolting Blob 66

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS

1. The Jams 97
2. Trust Us We Know 96
3. My Mom Says I'm Cool 89
4. Assistants to Regional Mgr. 88
5. Calamity Jane 76

BLACK SHEEP

1. Duane's World 102*
2. Penn 15 Club 102
3. Myers Sucks 74
4. Pogue Mahones 69
5. Earth Science Rocks 65

GOOD DOG

1. Lamda 83
2. Knocking Motion 78
3. The Underachievers 66
4. Oakwood Rec 64
5. Shomer Shabbas 63

BARDS

1. Sofa Kingdom 110
2. I Own This Bar Kingdom 89
3. Show Minus One 89
4. Western Omelette 88
5. Porkheimers 82

*Won in OT.

• It was on this date in 1868 that Andrew Johnson was acquitted of impeachment by a single vote. Here is a short but thorough account of how it went down.
• Today on Kerri-Lee's blog, I ask, "What would your last meal be if you were condemned to die?" There is also a link to the top 10 last meals of all time, which is recommended reading.
• Hockey is hot right now. I mean, sorry NBA, Chris Paul is awesome, but your playoffs are boring, with the refs handing wins to the home team every single game (Home teams are 20-1 in the 2nd round of these playoffs. Fishy? Something tells me Donaghy was a fall guy for a larger problem.) Crosby is exciting to watch, even for a casual fan like myself. And the hits are spectacular. Most importantly, hockey has Don Cherry, the best dresser in sports history. And even better, the guy is completely out of his mind. A few nights ago, he wore a pink suit that almost blew out my retinas, then called Detroit fans "rednecks". I love this guy.
• The following sentence from bats*** crazy Steven Wells column in this week's PW: Acting as Warden Nutter’s Lord Chamberlain and dressed like Bill Sykes out of Oliver! (complete with snazzy neckerchief and battered top hat), I’ll rule the fop-infested Philly arts scene with a rod of iron (literally) in the company of my ever faithful, cigar-smoking, quizzo-organizing, Winston Churchill-faced talking mutant English bulldog Johnny S*** Times. (Much as I do now, only more so.) I really have no idea how to respond to that. None.

Perfect morning to eat pancakes and drink OJ. Thinking about hitting up Sabrina's. Be back this afternoon with scores. In the meantime, a couple of things to keep in mind for the weekend. First off, good news, rhubarb fans. Tommorrow is supposed to be 73 and sunny, and Sunday is more of the same. Which means that this is the perfect weekend for a festival. If you're not up for a roadtrip, there are a couple of fun things going down in Philly. First up, the Italian Market Festival. Always a blast, and this year they've added the Inaugural John Marzano Halfball Tournament. (I love this city.) Then, in case you're in the mood for something even weirder than seeing statues of saints marched down the street, we've got the annual Kensington Kinetic Sculpture Derby. Pics from last years look ridiculous, and I expect this year you'll see more of the same. GOnna be a great weekend. Get outdoors and have fun.

A few days ago, Kerri-Lee (above, totally jacking my ruffled tuxedo top style) posted a few choice stupid quotes said by celebs over the years (I had forgotten about that Mariah Carey one. Honestly, the stupidest thing a human being has ever uttered. Ever. UPDATE: Woops. She never said it. I'm sorry Ms. Carey.) But today I looked around and found a few quotes I thought were actually pretty intelligent. And the one quote that I think is half-brilliant, half stupid comes from Shaquille O'Neal: "My game is like the Pythagorean Theorem. Nobody can figure it out."

This from a recent interview with Politico:

Question: Mr. President, I know you're going to hate this, but I'm hoping that we may twist your arm and talk about baseball for just a moment. (Laughter.) Mr. President, you're a Major League Baseball team owner again. Everyone is a free agent. You have a Yankees-like wallet. Who is your first position player?

THE PRESIDENT: That's a great question. I like Utley from the Philadelphia Phillies. He's a middle infielder, which is always -- you know, they say you have strength up the middle -- there's nothing better than having a good person up the middle that can hit.

This weeks wild card round was about terrible television, and today's Metro column is about the same. So now it's your turn. What do you think are some of the worst TV shows of all time?

BONUS: Creepy transformation scene from Manimal.
BONUS: The opening of The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer. I can't believe this show failed.
BONUS: Yes, Heil Honey I'm Home was a real show. And while the concept was amazing, the actual show was brutally awful.

Here was a short blurb left in what was essentially an I Love You I Hate You section of a South Carolina newspaper: This is to the trivia guy at Rockaways: I know people usually write in to bitch and moan, but my sorority sisters and I just wanted to tell you that your trivia night on Wednesdays is the highlight of our week! All we talk about during our late-night slumber parties and pillow fights is your sexy red beard and that mysterious bulge in your shorts. Oh, and your trivia questions of course ... tee hee … I wonder if we could book you for a private trivia session? We don’t have much money but I’m sure we could work something out. We’ll see you for trivia this Wednesday at 9 p.m.!. P.S. — Would turning in our panties count as a right answer? We’ll try and find out!

In case anyone is curious: Yes, turning in your panties does count as a right answer.

Get your baking shoes on, folks! We're a mere three days away from the largest and oldest Rhubarb Festival in the United States, and as you know, I was selected to be a celebrity judge (Apparently Gervase and Wang Newton had previous engagements). Needless to say, I am extremely excited. I hope I get an explosion of rhubarb in my mouth! If you'd like to enter a pie in the 25th annual Kitchen Kettle Village Rhubarb Pie Bake-Off (or KKVRPBO, for short), just go here and fill out the form. Something tells me, this is going to be the greatest bake-off ever!

RELATED: News story about the Rhubarb Festival...in Pittsburgh paper. Helllllllllooooo, Philadelphia media. Might wanna wake up and smell the rhubarb.
RELATED: I link yet again to my near upset in the 23rd annual Rhuarb Pie Bake-off.
RELATED: Pretty hilarious story I wrote about the 22nd Annual Bake off, which is where I first stumbled onto this little gem of a festival. Upon further review, I have to say that this is one of the funniest things I have ever written.

Here's the toughest questions from last week. Answers are after the jump.

1. What country are Alex and Eddie Van Halen from?
2. This rum, pineapple, and curacao drink shares a name with an Elvis movie.
3. As opera fans are aware, Fledermaus is the German word for what animal?
4. What restaurant chain gets its name from the Japanese phrase for Red flower?
5. There have been two songs called Tequila sunrise recorded. One of them was released in 1973, and the other was a rap song. What two groups recorded them?
6. What group of islands are the farthest away from any major landmass on earth, over 2300 miles away?
7. What US President was born in a town called Independence?
8. Put the following isladns in order from west to east: Puerto Rico, Jamaica, Hispaniola.
9. What major league baseball record is held by pitcher Anthony Young?
10. In square mileage, what are the two largest countries in the European Union?

PGW cut off my gas on Friday which was a real @$$&@^& move because since they did right before the weekend I had to wait four days to get it turned back on. After three and a half days without a hot shower I desperately needed one. Man Law states that you can't call a dude and ask to use his shower, and Ginger was working, so I called Smackdown and used her shower. And no, nothing ribald occurred.* Anyways, me and Smackdown and Gabe and the rest of the AmGlads Gang headed over to D-macs to watch Gladiators (The Eliminator still sucks.)

I would have gone home after that but Gabe said he was gonna grab another drink. So we met up with some friends of his from school at a bar that shall remain nameless b/c of what I'm about to tell you and the next thing you know I'm talking to this really hot blonde at the bar who gave me a look but then it turned out that she was 19 (seriously, she did not look 19. Ask Gabe. Or the bartender.) so after I talked to her for a little while (I didn't want to be rude) I left and met up with Gabe and his friends again at Misconduct Tavern. Well, they closed at 2 (it's the law) but Gabe was a member of Pen and Pencil so we headed there. I hadn't been to the P & P in like 5 years, since I dated this girl that was a hard partier but also loved Jesus and tried to convert me over dinner and later ended up making out with one of my Jewish friends because he said he loved Jesus**. Next thing you know it is 4:45 a.m. and I am walking through the empty streets of Philadelphia back to my place. Then I had to wake up at 9:15 because the damn guy from PGW was here to turn my gas back on. God, I hate PGW! Um, so what was my point? Oh yeah, quizzo will probably suck tonight, because I am exhausted. But you should still go.

*though not b/c of a lack of effort on my part.
**True story

In what country will you find "The Rhubarb Triangle"?

As posted on my myspace schedule, today was my semi-annual dentist appointment. I wanted to thank all of the people who made it out- it was a great time. For those of you who could not, but sent me warm wishes, I thank you.

The question on everyone's mind is: "How'd it go????"

The answer: GREAT. Dr. Silverman told me that although my gums were a little red (make sure you floss!) my teeth looked great. He said I had done a really nice job as usual.

He also said he was so proud that I was a standup comedian, and thought that it was "super" that I "do the standup act all over town". He then told me that I should look into being a comedian on a cruise ship, because according to him, "the comedians are always just marvelous." He also doesn't know how I remember all my jokes when I am up on stage, and gives me a lot of credit.

For all you fans, I will be returning to Dr. Silverman's office, on Friday, Nov 7th, at 8:00 am.

Mark your calendars! (And don't forget to floss!!!)

Let the mildly homoerotic displays of human strength and agility begin anew!!!

This tells you pretty much all you need to know about Jerseyites. There was a story on NJ.com today about a woman who fell off a cruise ship last night. Now, while some people would feel sympathy for this woman and her family, Jerseyites do not. According to just about every single commenter below the story, she must have been stupid and/or drunk, so she simply got her just desserts. Except for one commenter who suspects foul play.

• It's difficult to fall off a cruise ship UNLESS you're either drunk, doing something you should not be doing or you are somewhere you should not be. Since our society has devolved into an illiterate mass of immature morons, the last people I will ever blame are the ones who are consistently called upon to bail people out of "stupid people" situations.
• Just a wild guess here, but I'm going with an excessive use of alchohol coming into play in this story.
• In the end the taxpayer picks up the tab for these massive searches not the cruise companies.
• I tend to side with some who feel too much alcohol was involved here... yes, you can fall over board on a cruise ship but I feel it is because you did something stupid.
• I myself just came back from a cruise a week ago and let me tell you that the only way you fall off is either by climbing up over a railing and falling (commiting suicide) or some one has to pick you up and throw you over. She did not just fall by accident.
• If you call climbing on and hanging over the rail an accident I suppose it's possible. Not to say I have any idea how this woman fell but it is all that I can imagine, especially only 3 hours or so into the cruise.

Well it looks like the crack detectives have done it again. Despite having no evidence, they have concluded that she was drunk and stupid, and thus deserved to die. It's just a shame that our hardearned tax dollars go toward fishing riff raff like this out of the ocean.

Billy turns 58 today. Yeah, I have kind of been on a Billy Squier kick lately. I am just so amazed by how people in entertainment can wreck their whole career with one bad decision. In this case, of course, it was Billy's decision to dance in a pink tank top in the Rock Me Tonight video (I did a full write up on this Rock Me Tonight video fiasco on the Kerri Lee blog today.) One thing I find interesting about Billy Squier is that he is a legend in hip hop circles because his beats were so dope, and he is sampled constantly. Listen to the song above, then listen to 99 Problems by Jay Z and Dizzee Rascal's Fix Up Look Sharp. And who can forget Run DMC with Here We go, Here We Go, Here We Here We Go. Another thing is that, while I find most non hip-hop music of the 1980s to be "good" solely in an ironic fashion, Billy Squier kicked total ass without cheesy synthesizers and drum machines. So what is he up to now? Here's an article about him from a couple of years ago.

When FOX called and said they wanted to do a story on D-Mac and I, I thought, "How interesting. FOX wants to do a story on Handsomest Men in Philadelphia." But it turned out that they just wanted to do a story on bloggers. Geez, when are people gonna realize that I am not just a brilliant writer, but also a pretty face?

What was the name of Frank Zappa's backup band?

Who played the mom in "Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot"?

Who had a hit with the song "Dear Mama" in 1994?

This actor, who later played the principal in Sabrina The Teenage Witch, played the boss in Mr. Mom. Who is he?

Who was the female star of Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead?

Who had a hit with the song, "Mama Told Me Not to Come"?

Alright, gonna post pics of last weeks winners, with "Mom" questions underneath. One guess per person.

O'NEALS

1. Dork Sided 92
2. Young, Old, and Restless 89
3. Major Butler 84
4. I Drink Your Milkshake 83
5. We Got Nothing 69

BARDS

1. Sofa Omelette 112
2. Two Step Hustle and Flow 73
3. El Narcotyzo 63
4. KG For MVP 59
5. Myanmar National Swim Team 57

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS

1. The Jams (aka For Whom the 8 Belles Toll) 85
2. I Don't Know 80
3. This is Not a Bus 80
4. But My Mom Says I'm Cool 71
5. SEX Certified 71

BLACK SHEEP

1. Penn Fifteen Club 93
2. Jeff Jones 83
3. Duane's World 72
4. Trashtastic 71
5. Reading Rainbow Rocks 68

GOOD DOG

1. Avenger 58 80
2. Oakwood Rec 78
3. A Team Name 68
4. Shomer Shabbas 64
5. Getting All These Questions Reverend Wright 61

BARDS

1. Western Omelette 101
2. Falling Waters 87
3. Tomax and Xamot 82
4. Not w/o My Bartender 74
5. Less Kicking, More Shooting 68

Mine**! You're the Best! Love ya Mom!

**Charges of the judges being biased are completely unfounded.

SeeqPod - Playable Search
Here it is, the best 16 songs about the rain. I expect you to heartily disagree with my selections.

Kick it off at Good Dog at 8 p.m., then move to the Bards at 10 p.m. Tonight's a good night to play at Bards, while the school kids are still in finals. Won't be as packed tonight as it'll probably get again in a couple of weeks. Want some warm up questions? Here's a few I posted about the city of Pittsburgh to get your head right for the Flyers-Pens series.

Courtesy of the BBC. And no, we WON'T "grow up".

Hey remember that movie that they kept shutting down Rittenhouse for? And remember how Marky Mark wore his Red Sox hat when he ate at Smith and Wollensky's? Well, that movie is coming out soon, and it looks pretty damn interesting. I didn't really mind Signs or The Village like a lot of people did, but when he did a movie about mermaids I thought he had officially jumped the shark, and I wondered if his next movie would be about unicorns and warlocks. But hopefully he gets back on track here. Whattya think? After checking the trailers (here's another one), do you think it's gonna be good?

Trivia Art and I hit up a couple of new spots last night. First we tried Time, the place where Ludwig's used to be. It was weird being in Ludwig's without pictures of old German leaders on the wall. The setup was still similar, in terms of where the bars and tables were, so I still felt like it was a just a cleaned up Ludwig's. The beer was more reasonable than I had been led to believe, as they have an 11-1 am Happy Hour, so I got a Leffe Brown for only $4. It was a pretty decent spot for a drink, and the only problems I had with the place were music related: it's kind of a dark, mellow, candlelit place where you should talk in hush tones. Therefore, the fact that it has a jukebox kind of sticks out like a sore thumb. Some places should have jukeboxes, some shouldn't. This place shouldn't. Also, this is the kind of place that should be playing jazz or possibly ambient music. It absolutely should not play three straight Styxx songs, like they did last night. There is a time and place for Styxx, and Time wasn't the place (Yes, I know I'm clever.)

Then we headed off to Apothecary for a drink on their opening It was pretty cool. The drinks are definitely interesting, using ginseng, absinthe, cucumbers, and a variety of other unusual ingredients. The one I got, the Booty Collins, employed cayenne pepper, and it was excellent. This is a great "fun drink while you wait for your table at Lolita" spot. The drinks are expensive ($10-$15), but the ambience is fun (the bartenders dress in old timey bartender gear) and they seem determined to keep out Jerseyites, Manayunkers, and other assorted riff-raff.
RELATED:Read more about Apothecary in today's City paper.

• The Roots were featured in the NY Times Sunday.
• My latest on Kerrileetv about some weird news stories and the Empire Strikes Barack video.
• Quizzo tonight at Locust Rendezvous at 6:15 and Black Sheep at 8 p.m. Got some giveaways and some great last place prizes.

• Quizzo apparently starting to take off in Charlotte. I went to Charlotte once. It is basically an entire city of Kildare's fans. I would love to involve them in a city vs. city smackdown so we could kick their asses.
• Ken Jennings almost gets to ask Jewel a question.
• Some sort of big quizzo event going on at Bally's Beach Bar in Atlantic City on June 7th at 3 p.m. Should be about a $5,000 pot. Don't have a lot of details yet, but will let you know as soon as I do.
• Just have to have to acknowledge one of the teams from last night. The Cornbread Mafia, after seeing the goat video and the question of the week, were convinced that the wild card round was going to be on goats. So they printed out about 8-10 pages of goat facts, and studied them thoroughly in the hours leading up to game time. Sadly, there were no questions about goats at last nights quizzo, but the team is now a veritable fountain of valuable goat info. If you have any goat related questions or concerns, please direct them to the Cornbread Mafia.

1. Most asteroids in our solar system are in a circular belt found between what two planets?
2. Which of the following is completely landlocked: a) Laos b) Cambodia c) Vietnam d) Burma
3. John Smoltz recently became the 3rd pitcher to record 3000 strikeout while playing for the same team. One retired in the 1920s, the other in 1970s. Who were they?
4. This Mozart opera caused an uproar in Vienna when it was released because of its satire directed at the aristocracy. It had characters named Count Almaviva and Rosina.
5. Which of these flowers is pollinated by beetles and not bees?
a) daisy b) magnolia c) marigold d) snapdragon
6. This famous female novelist was born in Germantown in 1832.
7. This new orleans sandwich is made with a type of bread similar to focaccia, and contains olive salad, salami, capicola, and provolone.
8. This 2000 movie was based on a spec script originally written for X-Files, and was directed by James Wong.
9. Edward Bulliver Litton wrote a book about the last days of what city?
10. List the seven presidents born west of the Mississippi.

That's right, been hard at work all day putting together video from the 7th annual goat races in Phoenixville over the weekend. Here's the fruits of my labor. Enjoy!

At Niagara Falls, what is the name of the island that separates American Falls from Horseshoe Falls?

Hard at work on the goat racing video. Should be pretty good. I'll have the Question of the Week posted in a few. In the meantime, check out the video from my last weird event, the Punkin Chunkin.

"The fact that we put forward a piece of legislation to prevent the sale and use and transfer of assault weapons and have a Philadelphia police officer assaulted on the streets with one, I think makes it pretty clear to anyone who is confused about this issue that there's no reason for any citizen, any person other than in law enforcement or in the military to have such a weapon. There's no legitimate argument by the NRA, they need to get in the real world where the rest of us live and come to grips with these kinds of issues. They owe an apology to the family for their staunch opposition over many, many years blocking legislative support for these kinds of matters."

To read more about the gun control aspect of the cop killing, click here.

Pittsburgh State Rep. Dan Frankel has introduced an assault-weapons ban in Harrisburg every year since the federal ban expired, but his bill has never even made it out of committee.

"The pro-gun community has been very effective in creating fear among legislators," Frankel said. "Plenty of my colleagues say to me, 'Dan, you're right on this, but I just can't support it, because it will create political problems for me.' "

• Since it is Cinco de Mayo, why don't hop in the time traveler and go back to 2004, when Johnny traveled to Mexico to do some pinniped consulting and had a run in with the police shortly after arriving. Mexican women were not interested in JGT, but there was a sea lion that seemed to take a liking to him.
• Hung out with Kerri-Lee and D-Mac on Friday and we got some somewhat amusing video of D-Mac and Kerri-Lee tooling around on the computer. Today on KL's blog, I ask a few more Mexico related questions. See how ya do. I have some great video of yesterday's goat races, and I will be editing tonight and posting manana.
• Thinking about doing a piece in the paper this week about Jersey drivers. Whether you think that Jersey drivers are awful, or if you think they are unfairly stereotyped, please shoot me an email and give me your thoughts on the topic.

This popular Mexican singer was actually born in Philadelphia because her father was attending UPenn at the time. She is best known for her kids songs.

This actor appeared in Zorba the Greek and Viva Zipata.

Only one pitcher has ever won the Cy Young in their rookie year. Who was it?

This general won defeated American forces at the Alamo. (Which, incidentally, has no basement.)

What Carlos Santana hit was a cover of a Tito Puente song?

What was the name of Frida Kahlo's muralist husband?

Alright, gonna post pics of last weeks winners with questions underneath. With today being Cinco de Mayo, questions will be about famous Mexicans. One guess per person.

The small peninsula that nobody has ever heard of where I grew up was featured in the New York Times today. Dave Burden, the kayak shop owner, is a buddy of mine (he beat me at Scramble last week.) They didn't check out my town, Nassawadox, because well, there's nothing to see there.

strong>O'NEALS

1. Young, Old, and Restless 99
2. Dorksided 92
3. L. Ron's Diabetics 91
4. Cornbread Mafia 82
5. We Got Nothin' 82

BARDS

1. Sofa Kingdom 118
2. Hurtin Bombs 108
3. Narcotyzing Dysfunktion 99
4. Always $$ in the Banana Stand 91
5. Austrian Basement Bedtime Stories 85

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS

1. The Jams 96*
2. Trust Us We Know 96
3. The Champs 93
4. Mike Pomranz Has Seen...81
5. Max Sexual Performance 80

BLACK SHEEP

1. The Penn Fifteen Club 102
2. Axis of Evil Knieval** 99
3. Duane's World 96
4. Earth Science Rocks 89
5. Das Boot 88

GOOD DOG

1. Oakwood Residue 94
2. Chelsea's Kosher Kitchen 90
3. Shomer Shabbas 88
4. The Underachievers 86
5. Gambalers 80

BARDS

1. Sofa Kingdom 111
2. Shave That Dirty Beard, You Hipster 99
3. Los Casados 86
4. Cuts Dat Flo 83
5. Colors that Rhyme With "-urple" 80

*Won in overtime. **Ends Axis 4 game winning streak

Here's my latest, about the Gary Hart scandal. What's your favorite political scandal?

Alright, kids, well I've gotten several good logos in the contest so far, but I wanna get more, so I'm gonna extend the deadline by another week. So get me your logos by next friday. Somebody gave me a really good one last night on a beer coaster, but I prefer the type you can email to me. Good luck, and get crackin'.

A question at quizzo this week was: This song, which sounds sweet but is actually pretty creepy, is Louisiana's state song. Hint: It was heard in O Brother Where Art Thou. The Answer is "You Are My Sunshine." Now I remember learning this song as a little child. Kind of funny that I was learning a song about a psycho co-dependent who will probably eventually murder his ex. Check out these lyrics:

I'll always love you and make you happy
if you will only say the same
but if you leave me to love another
you'll regret it all some day

You told me once dear you really loved me
that no one else could come between
but now you've left me and love another
you have shattered all my dreams.

You'll regret it all someday? Is that a threat? You have shattered all my dreams? All of them? My God, man, pull it together!

On Saturday, the Philly City League is hosting a Rock Paper Scissors Tourney at Campbell's Field in Camden Saturday at 3 p.m. Here are more details. Free beer from 4-6 p.m. Baseball, beer, and rock paper scissors. Doesn't get much better than that. Speaking of beer, the annual goat races at Sly Fox are this weekend. I went last year, and it was a blast. I highly suggest it. Also, does anyone know where I can get a goat to be a competitor? No, seriously. Does anyone know where I can get a goat?

This is their annual issue where they essentially make a Special Advertising section a front page story (Best Doctors.) But there was a good story in this issue about the Geator with the Heater, the Boss With the Hot Sauce, Jerry Blavat. Also, in last months edition, there was an excellent article about Charlie Manuel. A must read for Phillie fans.

It's 11:15 and still four of the questions I posted yesterday haven't been answered? Come on, people, quit acting dumb.