February 2008 Archives

Alright, first of all, I do have a few sponsors lined up for Quizzo Bowl IV. (Sadly, Applebee's does not have money in the budget to help out.) I'd love to get more before I send out my press release early next week. Please e-mail me if you are at all interested. Sponsorship is extremely reasonable and this event is gonna be get a lot of attention in the coming month, especially when I let people know who the band is. Today I was able to finalize the halftime entertainer, who I am quite excited about. There are going to be plenty of announcements on the website starting next week.

I am debating on whether to use the ring as a stage. Obviously, I would love to but it does cost $1,000 extra for them to put it up and break it down. I'd have to raise the price (which, thanks to sponsorship and me being a great guy, is going to be very reasonable) $5 to cover it. If I raise ticket prices, I will also raise the prize money for first and second. Let me know what you think below. Have a great weekend gang!

O'NEALS

1. Archie Hamburger's Blowback Chicken Army 100
2. Young, the Old, and the Restless 97
3. We Got Nothin' 92
4. Team Fruit Cup 90
5. Dorksided 84

BARDS

1. Western Omelette 106
2. Sofa Kingdom 104
3. Narcotyzing Dysfunktion 98
4. Last NIght I Had a Dream 83
5. MAD Cobra 77

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS

1. Sweep the Leg, Johnny 104
2. The Jams 100
3. Jackalope 94
4. Buy My Mom Says I'm Cool 81
5. Philly Hardcore 79

BLACK SHEEP

1. Eschaton 110
2. Fine Young Cannibals 91
3. The Dalembert Report 91
4. Hot Karl and the Mints 89
5. Catdog 86

GOOD DOG

1. Fort Awesome 99
2. The Underachievers 74
3. The Human Fund 62
4. Uh Hi Sarah 56
5. Ramrod 55

BARDS

1. Western Omelette 115
2. Sofa Kingdom 103
3. Hurtin Bombs 100
4. Lee Carvello 91
5. Bizarre Gardening Accident 81

Can you smell what the Omelette is cookin'? The story this week was without a doubt the play of the Western Omelette, who pulled off the unprecedented feat of two perfect final rounds in the same week, enabling them to knock off the Kingdom at the Bards both times.

But that was not the only interesting development this week, as we saw one team get quite close to a bounty, Smackdown's team start to warm up for Quizzo Bowl, and the Jams go down in a squeaker.

At O'Neals, Smackdown (who, sadly, still has a boyfriend. Sorry Bob T.), Trivia Art, D-Mac, et al. (named Archie Hamburgers Blowback Chicken Army) edged the Young, the Old, and the Restless, 100-97, and ended We Got Nothin's three week run.

Sweep the Leg, Johnny held on to edge the Jams at the Rendezvous. The Jams became the 2nd team to have a 3 game winning streak ended.

At the Sheep, Eschaton (aka Duane's Minions) cruised to an easy victory, ending the two week run of the Dalembert Report.

The team closest to a bounty? Fort Awesome at the Good Dog. They held a comfortable lead from wire to wire, and cruised to a 99-74 win over The Underachievers. If they win next week, it will result in the first ever bounty bowl at the Good Dog.

Just came across this and thought you guys might enjoy it. The book was English as She is Spoke, and it was written by a guy named Pedro Carolino in the 19th century. The author didn't speak English, or have a Portuguese-English dictionary, but he did have a Portuguese-French dictionary and a French-English dictionary, so he just put 2 and 2 together. Needless to say, the results were astounding, and Pedro Carolino is basically the Ed Wood of the dictionary world. Of this book, Mark Twain said, "Nobody can add to the absurdity of this book, nobody can imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect." Here are a few "idiotisms", as they were called in the book.

• In the country of blinds, the one eyed man are kings.
• Few, few the bird make her nest.
• Nothing some money, nothing of Swiss.
• A horse bared don't look him the tooth.
• To craunch the marmoset.
• The stone as roll not heap up not foam.
• Keep the chestnut of the fire with the cat foot.
• Burn the politeness.
• Of the hand to mouth, one lose often the soup.

It also provided some good translations of various sentences. First is the Portuguese, followed by the correct translation (in italics), followed by the English as She Is Spoke translation.)
Zombo deles; o meu navio é armado em guerra, tenho equipagem vigilante e animosa; e as munições não me faltam.
I laugh at them; my ship is armed for war; I have an alert and courageous crew, and I have plenty of ammunition.
ES: I jest of them; my vessel is armed in man of war, i have a vigilant and courageous equipage, and the ammunitions don't want me its.

Este lago parece-me bem piscoso. Vamos pescar para nos divertirmos.
This lake looks full of fish to me. Let's have some fun fishing.
ES: That pond it seems me many multiplied of fishes. Let us amuse rather to the fishing.

Vamos mais depressa. Nunca vi pior besta. Não quer andar, nem para diante, nem para trás.
Let's go faster. I never saw a worse animal. It doesn't want to go either forward or backward.
ES: Go us more fast never i was seen a so much bad beast; she will not nor to bring forward neither put back.

Barriga cheia, cara alegre.
A full stomach makes for a content face.
ES: After the paunch comes the dance.
RELATED: More info on English as She Is Spoke.

There is only one way to settle the ongoing feud between Palestra Jon and Bob T.: a dance marathon.

Cuba's been in the news a lot lately, due to the fact that Fidel is stepping down. Here's a few things you might wanna know about the place:

• It was the first island discovered by Columbus. He immediately enslaved and killed most of the indiginous population (especially the ones who resisted Christianity), and within a century almost all of the native population had been destroyed by the Spanish.
• Cuba was a Spanish possession from 1511-1898.
• In 1848, James Polk commissioned his ambassador to Spain to offer them $100 million for the island, but the Spaniards refused the offer.
• Cuba's national hero is a poet named Jose Marti, who was a leader of the movement which resulted in Cuba's independence in 1898.
• Remember the Maine! To Hell With Spain! The sinking of the USS Maine is one of the original conspiracy theories. Donspiracist, can you clear this up for us?
• An American, Charles Magoon, was appointed of governor of Cuba and retained his position as leader of the supposedly independent nation three years (1906-1908).
• Fulgencio Batista was running a distant third in the 1952 elections when he decided to just say the hell with it and staged a coup, becoming leader by force.
• In 1956, hundreds of Cuban officers attempted a coup against Batista. It failed, but the result was that the army was weak when Castro staged his coup a couple of years later.
• As is depicted in Godfather 2, there were a lot of casinoes in Cuba before the Revolution, almost all of them owned by the US Mob.
• Thousands of Batista backers were executed by Castro following the coup.
• Most cars in Cuba are US 1950s models, which are called yank tanks. They have usually been modified to accept replacement engines.
• The Mariel boatlift, depicted in Scarface, was a diabolically sharp maneuver by Castro in 1980 to rid his country of criminals and malcontents.
• The Cuban government still regularly imprisons journalists who question the direction of the country.
• Cuba has one of the highest literacy rates in the world, as 99.8 of it's people are literate.
• According the WHO, Cuba and Canada have the lowest infant mortality rates in the Americas. Life expectancy in Cuba is similar to that in the US. Doctors in Cuba make $15 a month.

• Even if one takes every reefer madness allegation of the prohibitionists at face value, marijuana prohibition has done far more harm to far more people than marijuana ever could.
• Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other views, but then are shocked and offended to discover that there are other views.
• The central question that emerges…is whether the White community in the South is entitled to take such measures as are necessary to prevail, politically and culturally, in areas where it does not predominate numerically? The sobering answer is Yes—the White community is so entitled because, for the time being, it is the advanced race.
• Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.
• I'd rather entrust the government of the United States to the first 400 people listed in the Boston telephone directory than to the faculty of Harvard University.
• (Of George W. Bush): If you had a European prime minister who experienced what we've experienced, it would be expected that he would retire or resign.
• A Conservative is a fellow who is standing athwart history yelling "Stop!"
• I won’t insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said.

1. Joaquim Phoenix played Commodus in Gladiator. True or False: Commodus was an actual Roman emperor who fought in gladiatorial events.
2. What is Daisy's last name in the Great Gatsby?
3. This Philadelphia Eagle led the team to two championships and his #15 is retired by the organization.
4. Stanford White designed the 2nd incarnation of this famous edifice, then was shot and killed in it's rooftop garden.
5. Who was the only 20th century president to not get a college degree?
6. Which of these players scored the most points while they were a member of the 76ers? a) Charles Barkley b) Allen Iverson c) Julius Erving d) Wilt Chamberlain
7. This street in San Francisco, which share a name with a Philly street,is known as the crookedest street in the world.
8. Formerly known as the Bank of America Tower, the Columbia Center, a 967 foot tall buiding made of granite, is what cities tallest building?
9. The first one of these books was issued in February of 1878.
10. Under what president did John Foster Dulles serve as Secretary of State?

Off to the dentist yet again. I'll be back in a couple of hours. In the meantime, quick note: I have two sponsors so far for Quizzo Bowl IV, which I'll be telling y'all about soon. If your company would like to be a sponsor (It's not expensive and it's gonna get a lot of exposure), please get a hold of me ASAP. I am going to try to get the sponsorships lined up by the end of the week, so I can put out the press release next week.

Starbucks is going to close for three hours today. If this upsets you, I hear that there are some great rental properties in Manayunk. You should look into them. Oh, and Applebee's now has karaoke on Thursdays. Just thought you might be interested. Also, a quick reminder: Starbucks has been named Philly's Best Coffee by Philly Style Mag for two years running. As for my picks: I like Beauty Shop Cafe at 20th and Fitzwater, La Colombe at 19th and Walnut, Mugshots at 21st and Fairmount, and La Va at 21st and South.

Here they come again.The Nader haters, crying about how Nader is going to screw things up again. I don't think Nader will get a lot of votes this year, especially if Obama wins the nomination. I voted for Nader in 2000, and will vote for him again if Hillary makes a comeback. I don't think that if Obama wins he should enter the race. But I appreciate his hutzpah. Nader has proven himself more of a man of the people than any of the other 3 candidates, and isn't that what a president supposed to be? On top of that, who are the Democrats to think that a two party system is their Constitutional right? I think the Founding Fathers would welcome more than two trains of thought, especially when the two ruling parties are at all time lows in terms of popularity with the American people. Of course, the media seeks conflict, not substance, so every story you read about Nader will be about his role as spoiler, not about his bringing to the table major topics such as corporate malfeasance and the situation in Israel and Palestine.

Also, I am a man who enjoys entertainment, Nader will certainly bring that to the table. My hope is that he makes Ron Paul his running mate. That would make this the greatest election in the history of mankind, and we'd see more blimps than we've seen since that fateful day in 1937.
RELATED: Huffington Post has a good story about why Ralph running is a mistake.

I think that this is a no-brainer, but I wanna see what you guys think. Feel free to defend your vote below.

What female sex symbol got top billing in the first film to ever win the Academy Award for Best Picture, Wings?

I feel like American Beauty is one of the most hated on Best Picture award winners, and I really liked it. I thought it had a unique plot, and really, how many movies are made about midlife crisis that aren't just predictably crappy (Wild Hogs, anyone?). I thought their were several hilarious sequences, and "The King" was a great character. I thought the movie kind of made light of it's own pretentions, and I liked it's creepy overtones. Anyways, feel free to rake me over the coals below. Tonight I plan on watching the Magnificent Seven, which was on late last night so I taped it. Will let you know what I think. I watched Born Into Brothels over the weekend and thought it was really good.

Happy Birthday, Champ! In this interview he calls out Dale Murphy and Herschel Walker. Amazing. Wanna alearn more about my childhood idol? Here's 40 fast facts. I honestly think his autobiography is the greatest book written since the Great Gatsby. Oh,and Ric can also adjust your mortgage. Wooooooo!

Don't try to talk to the lovely Ginger anytime soon...she's way too big time for you people. She was on the TV!

This Irish actor has been nominated for Best Actor 8 times without winning a single one, despite the fact that he one of his performances was ranked the #1 of all time by Premiere magazine.

This actress won her first Oscar in 1933 and her last in 1981.

Gloria Stuart was nominated for an Academy Award at the age of 87. What load of cinematic shi spectacular film was it for?

Only two men have ever won back to back Best Actor Oscars. One did it in the 90s, the other did it in the 30s. Who are they?

Who won a record 4 Best Director awards?

What is the name of the theatre where the Oscars have been held every year since 2002?

Alright, gonna post pics of last weeks winners with a question underneath each. Write your answer in the comments. This weeks topic is the Oscars. One guess per person.

O'NEALS

1. We Got Nothing 113
2. Dorksided 105
3. Vini, Vini, Vini 102
4. Cornbread Mafia 97
5. Young, Old, and Restless 92

BARDS

1. Sofa Kingdom 109
2. Narcotyzing Dysfunktion 98
3. Western Omelette 91
4. Chaka Kahn, Chaka Kahn 70
5. The Beasley Boys 35

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS

1. The Jams (aka Where's the Beef) 100
2. This is Not a Bus 87
3. da Jamzzzzzzzzzz 80
4. Trust Us We Know 79
5. But My Mom Says I'm Cool 75

BLACK SHEEP

1. The Dalembert Report 108
2. WTF 2: Electric Boogaloo 105
3. Herve Villechaize 102
4. Baron Munchausen 94
5. SuperDuper Delegates 93

GOOD DOG

1. Fort Awesome 97
2. MAGMA 95
3. C+ Average 87
4. Salt Pepper Ketchup Hot Sauce 82
5. Bada Bing 69

BARDS

1. Hurtin Bombs 111
2. Sofa Kingdom 103
3. Western Omelette 103
4. Mehmed Birthday 101
5. Standing By the Bathroom 99

The Mules won a private gig JGT did last Saturday night. The team included birthday boy John (middle). It was at this party that JGT learned a valuable lesson: married people can be fun! If you're interested in having JGT host a private event, just contact him here. Guaranteed Goodtimes.

Another wild one, as we have a couple of unlikely teams over halfway to Bounty Bowls. We start at O'Neals, where We Got Nothin' has come out of nowhere to win three straight weeks at O'Neals. On to the Bards, where the Sofa Kingdom ended the Dyfunktion's two week run. At the Vous, it was "Where's the Beef" cruising again this week with yet another double digit win. The Dalembert Report pulled off their 2nd straight win at the Black Sheep, spoiling the return oone of Johnny's all-time favorites from the old school, WTF. At the Good Dog, MAGMA returned to try to take back their rightful place as kings of the hill, but got clipped by Team Awesome, as it was Team Awesome's 3rd consecutive win. Finally, on to a ridiculously packed Bards,where the Kingdom and the Omelette both had a perfect score going into the final round, but finished tied for 2nd, as the Hurtin' Bombs took home the gold. Scoreboard coming soon.

Hey kids, JGT political correspondent Chip Chantry is gonna be on TV on Saturday night at 7:30 p.m. on NBC. The people over at DigPhilly.com have started a TV show, and Chip is gonna be on it on Saturday. Peep it, yo!

And a happy birthday to my good friend Mary, who I am marrying in two years.

I don't really cover a lot of politics here because there are plenty of other places to find that, but with the election coming up it's kind of hard to avoid, especially because I do like to discuss it. A few days ago, my good friend Parsnip Cabbagepaw, who is a Republican, said that he thinks that Obama is more cult leader than politician. To back it up, he posted link to this column in the comments section this morning. I disagree, but it's all fine and good. But he then says that the Republicans would rather face Obama than Hillary, to which I say, "You have lost your mind! Sir!" This is obviously the latest desperate Republican spin in a year in which they have almost no chance of winning, barring a catastrophic event. The only thing Republicans agree on in 2008 is Hillary Clinton, and their common bond is a vile hatred of her. She is the only thing that can bring the Republicans out to vote in large numbers, and if Obama does pull off this upset, those same Republicans will stay home. The Boston Herald writer above simply feels what we all feel at some time or another about the people we choose to follow. Is McCain a bitter, angry man who would let that bitterness control his foreign policy? Would Hillary annoy the living s*** out of us with her phony attempts at sincerity? ("I found my voice!") Hell, I'm sure Obama is a little worried about this responsibility himself. And more importantly, if he is able to run a country anywhere near as effectively he has run his campaign, and if he is able to inspire the country the way he has over the past year, I think it is a chance well worth taking. Your thoughts?

My most recent column in the Metro is about strange jobs. So I ask you, what strange or awful jobs have you had?

Ryan Howard won his arbitration case, and even though they had every right to take it to arbitration, the Phillies just come off looking the way they always do: like cheap bastards. Whether that is fair or not in this case I don't know, but due to a long running (124 year) history of doing everything on the cheap, they're gonna come off looking like the bad guys in a situation like this. They paid him a measly $900,000 the year after he won the MVP, and Howard wouldn't have such a short tenure if they hadn't been so short sighted and signed Thome. Anyways, we've got four seasons of Howard before he moves on to greener pastures (aka teams that don't pretend like they don't have any money). So does Howard deserve $10 million? Fans in Philly sure think so. More importantly, I'm glad he won. This will be one less distraction in the coming year.

One of my favorite people in America celebrates a B-day today. Here's a few choice Charles quotes, courtesy of barkleyquotes.com:

• On the Portland Trail Blazers serving Thanksgiving meals: "In between arrests they do community service."


• "You're the boss, Ernie. The white guy's always the boss."


• "They say it about brothers, but I can guarantee everybody in Finland look alike."


• Ernie: Do the Knicks have any chance of turning things around? Charles: Heeellll No!


• On the Enron scandal investigation: "Almost all those politicians took money from Enron, and there they are holding hearings. That's like O.J. Simpson getting in the Rae Carruth jury pool."


• Ernie Johnson: "Auburn is a pretty good school. To graduate from there I suppose you really need to work hard and put forth maximum effort." Sir Charles: "20 pts and 10 rebounds will get you through also."


• “I'm not a role model, ... Just because I dunk a basketball doesn't mean I should raise your kids.”


• "When I was recruited at Auburn, they took me to a strip joint. When I saw those t**s on Buffy, I knew that Auburn met my academic requirements."

• Ok, so it's been up for a few weeks, but it's new to me. A pretty neat history of the Sparks shot tower.
• A few weeks ago, Koob said something about "Buddy's Watchin' You", the Eagles rap from back when all of the teams were recording rap songs. Well, here it is. I'll be honest, it's no "Ram It!"
• Quizmaster Chris makes his case for being pro-casino. A good read because a) he makes some good points: Has anyone ever seen anyone who isn't white battling the casinos? and b) because he makes some points that seem sort of incongruous: This is supposed to save the children. Last time I checked, children weren't allowed in casinos, but get anally raped in our churches with impunity. By the way, I think that Casino is an underrated movie. Discuss.
• The greatest thieves ever in the history of thievery. They stole a bridge. Do you hear me? They stole a f******* bridge!

1. What number will you find on Herbie Love Bug?
2. In what city did the book Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil take place?
3. How many days did Jonah spend inside the whale?
4. You'll find the lacrosse hall of fame on the campus of what prestigious university?
5. What is Robert Indiana best known for creating
6. What comedian was the star of the 1996 movie, A Thin Line Between Love and Hate?
7. What movies tagline was, The Monster Demands a Mate?
8. Whose gang was killed in the Valentine's Day Massacre?
9. When Mia Farrow went through her painful breakup with Woody Allen, her ex-husband called and offered to have allen's legs broken. Who was her former husband?
10. What was the name of the XFLer who had the nickname He Hate Me?

Every once in a while, I get a fairly astounding email that defies all logic. Such was the case today. I'm surprised my spam filter wasn't alerted to the headline "bike porn in philly", but I felt I had no choice but to open it. And the contents were rather amusing: what up johnny, I caught your show a while back when visiting some bike messengers in philly. I'm trying to find a good venue to screen a program of oversexualized bike movies I have curated called: The Pornography of the Bicycle. With all the publicity it is generating I bet we would pack a 300 seat venue, but I am hoping you could suggest a venue. thanks for your time, I hope you continue to have great success with your shows!

reverend phil
bicycle pornographer
http://bikesmut.com

I love the fact that he is a "curator" of "oversexualized bike movies" in the body of the paragraph, but in the end just calls himself a bicycle pornographer. Anyways, I told him the Troc would be perfect. I'll be sure to let you know when this show occurs, in case you like oversexualized bike movies.

The nottie in the Hottie or the Nottie is actually much, much hotter than the hottie. Her name is Christine Lakin, and she's best known for her recurring role in what 1990s sitcom?

Remember at quizzo on Thursday when I told you that Hottie or Nottie was voted worst movie ever on IMDB? Did you think I was kidding? And it's not even close. It is .3 points worse than Zombie Nation, which is about zombies, and Ben and Arthur, which is about the gays. The top critics on rottentomatoes.com combine to give it a 0%. And for those who want to see the trailer, click here. And then imagine an hour and a half of this. If anyone wants to volunteer to watch this and write up a review for the site, I will gladly pay for your ticket, provided you sit through the whole thing.

This week, JGT political correspondent Chip Chantry tells us that we blew it by not voting for Mitt Romney.

Fair, balanced, and impartial: As a political correspondent, that is what I aim to be. Johnny Goodtimes has paid me thousands upon thousands of dollars for my work over the past few weeks. In return, I feel it is my duty to him, and to you, the millions of readers, to report the facts, leaving my agendas and political leanings at the door.

However, in this column, I have a little baggage to unpack; a package, if you will. But for some reason, I cannot let go of that package.

That package belongs to Mitt Romney.

Here, over a week after Romney bowed out of the politial race, I sit here alone, with my laptop, a half-empty bottle of vodka, and, for some reason, a 1998 Third Rock from the Sun page-a-day calendar, and I lament the next four years that could have been. We missed the boat on this one, voters.

Full Disclosure: I am a Mitthead. Although it has become clear that the vast majority of voters disagree with me, Mitt Romney had a clear vision for this country. Unfortunately, his message was not conveyed properly. Romney had some incredible ideas and plans for this nation that the public heard very little about- until now. Although it may be too late for the former governor, I have laid out ten of Mitt Romney's platforms that he woulda, shoulda, coulda implemented as Commander in Chief.

Alright, here's a list of cool presidential fun facts and worthless presidential trivia that you are sure to impress your friends with at the big annual Presidents Day Party. These are all from the first 25 presidents. I'll post the 20th century president facts a little later.

• When he was inaugurated, George Washington was down to his last real tooth.
• John Adams last words were, "Thomas Jefferson still survives!" Unbeknowest to Adams, Jefferson had died hours earlier.
• Thomas Jefferson was the first president to shake hands instead of bowing to people. He died deeply in debt, and Monticello was sold off. It went unoccupied for almost 100 years, falling into a sad state of disrepair before it was made into a monument in the 1920s.
• James Madison was 5'4" tall, and weighed 98 pounds.
• In the election of 1820, the immensely popular James Monroe received every electoral vote but one, and ran for president unopposed. The one elector voted against him so that Washington would be the only president elected unanimously.
• John Quincy Adams had a pet alligator, and had a pool table installed at the White House.
• Andrew Jackson was a chronic drooler, and suffered from the hives. He was orphaned at age 13. Early in life he had smallpox and dysentery. Later in life he had tuberculosis and dropsy. His wife had a nervous breakdown.He was shot in a duel (he killed the guy who shot him), and since the bullet wasn't able to be removed, he had an infection for the rest of his life.
• William Henry Harrison's inaugural address was two hours long, despite the fact that it took place in a freezing downpour. He refused to shorten his speech or even put on a coat. He quickly developed a cold, which then became pneumonia, and was dead within a month. His is still the longest inauguration and shortest presidency.
• Martin van Buren's autobiography doesn't mention his wife once.
• 20 years after being elected president, John Tyler was elected to the Confederate House of Representatives. He had 15 children by two wives. His first child was born in 1816. The last Tyler child died in 1947.
• Zachary Taylor didn't vote in the election in which he ran for President. His death is still a mystery. His body was exhumed in 1991 to rule out death by poisoning, but no one is still sure how he died, since the doctors botched the autopsy. The best guess is heatstroke.
• Millard Fillmore's last words were, "The nourishment is palatable."
• Franklin Pierce was classmates with Nathaniel Hawthorne and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow at Bowdoin College. After numerous family tragedies, Pierce drank himself to death.
• Robert Todd Lincoln declined his parent's invitation to attend Our American Cousin the night Lincoln was killed. He was at the train station in New York where Garfield was killed and witnessed it happen. He was at the Pan Am Exposition in Buffalo when William McKinley was killed.
• Andrew Johnson was illiterate until his wife taught him how to read in his young 20s.
• Ulysses S. Grant's real name was Hiram Ulysses Grant. He changed it because he didn't want to enter West Point with the initials H.U.G.
• Rutherford B. Hayes won the 1876 election by one electoral vote.
• James Garfield could simultaneously write in Latin with one hand and Greek with the other. He was killed not by the bullet shot by Charles Guitaeu, but by the incompetence of his attending physicians. They continually probed the bullet hole with unwashed fingers and instruments, causing the infection that ultimately killed him.
• Grover Cleveland was sheriff of Erie County, NY. One of his duties was executioner, and he tied the noose and pulled the trapdoor on two convicted murderers.
• Electricity was installed in the White House when Benjamin Harrison became president. He and his wife were horrified at the prospect of being electrocuted, so they never touched the light switches. The lights remained on at the White House during the entire Harrison presidency.
• William McKinley was on the front of the now discontinued $500 bill.

In what city was William McKinley shot?

This ex-president argued on behalf of the slaves on the Amistad.

Which president wrote a book called The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth, which rejected his divinity and the resurrection?

Whose campaign slogan was "Tippecanoe and Tyler too?"

Who was the youngest man to become president?

Who served between Grover Clevelands two terms?

Alright, gonna post pics of last weeks winners. All questions underneath will be about presidents. One guess per person.

God, I love this team. They traded him for the hot dog eater.

O'NEALS

1. We Got Nothin' 92
2. Young, Old, and Restless 90
3. All Puffy Down There 88
4. Ann Coulter is a Filthy **** 74

BARDS

1. Narcotyzing Dysfunktion 111
2. Sofa Kingdom 94
3. Pastafarians 92
4. Western Omelette 88

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS

1. The Jams 94
2. But My Mom Says I'm Cool 81
3. Philly Softcore 81
4. First Date Disaster 75
5. Crazy NOS 72

BLACK SHEEP

1. The Dalembert Report 87
2. Duane's World 81
3. Is That B-12 In My Butt Or Are Happy to See Me 70
4. Weapons of Ass Destruction 65
5. Choda Boy 64

GOOD DOG

1. Fort Awesome 88
2. Senior Ding Dong 81
3. The Cracked Eggheads 80
4. Team Pacer 77
5. Howie Feltersnatch 60

BARDS

1. Sofa Kingdom 118
2. Western Omelette 112
3. The Hurtin Bombs 94
4. Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office 82
5. I Can't Believe We Actually Shaved for This 71

We started on Tuesday with Ice Ice Baby, where walking was a dangerous proposition. Understandably, crowds were smallat both venues. To those of you who braved the elements to make it out: You are warriors and I love each and very one of you. Except Nate. At O'Neals, the We Got Nothin' Guys continued their incredible run, edging Young, Old, and Restless, 92-90. SPeaking of a run, the Narcotyzing Dysfunktion is the hottest team in quizzo, crushing Sofa Kingdom and scoring 111 points for the 2nd straight week.

The Jams were shorthanded at the Vous, but a strange lack of regulars (No Bus, No 1022, No Trust Us, We Know, no Project Home squad. Come back guys, I missed you!) meant that they were able to escape unscathed with a 94-81 win over Philly Softcore. New blood at the Black Sheep, as The Dalembert Report held off Duane's Minions, 87-81. Smackdown put on an impressive performance (not in quizzo) as three guys from Paris hit on her for hours.

On to the Good Dog for the first leg of the Lonely Hearts Club quizzo. And wouldn't you know it, my ex-girlfriends team, Team Awesome, pulled off a win in the V-Day quizzo. It was Team Awesome's third win in 5 weeks. Perhaps they have become the first team to beat at the Dog since the MAGMA-Evil Knieval days. Highlight of the night at the Good Dog: When I played Mr. Big, everybody started singing along. When I stopped playing the song, everybody kept singing. Amazed, I cracked, "I don't think I've ever felt so white." Not missing a beat, Moose, the only black guy in the room, stated: "Neither have I."

Questions on Thursday night were all about heartbreak and bad love songs. Sofa Kingdom apparently knows a lot about both. They missed the first question of the Bards quiz, then rattled off 39 consecutive answers to finish with the 2nd highest score ever, a 118.

No, I did not get a date. Something even more miraculous than that happened. I got home last night and read the following email from my good friend from back home, Mary (above, who I made deal with while a teenager that we are supposed to get married to if we are both still single at age 35. So far, so good.) I thought you guys might enjoy it: I was walking my dogs by the river and train tracks and one of my dogs, Dr. Stevens (below, in red shirt), got hit by a train.... and SURVIVED! He lost his tail; it was ripped from his body, but he is in surgery and it seems he doesn't have any internal damage. The whole thing was a living nightmare but now I'm so thankful I just have to tell this story. I was up on the tracks with my other dog Nurse Hazel. Dr. Stevens was not far behind us, but NOT on the tracks. We were near a bend and a train came around from what seemed like "out of nowhere". There was plenty of time to get down though. I went down and Nurse followed but Dr. Stevens went up on the tracks where we had just been instead of coming with us!!! There's no way to ever know WHY... but he did. There was still some time for him to get down. I started calling him and running towards him because I was getting worried. He was running in the same direction that the train was heading. He just kept running but wouldn't turn off the tracks left or right. I think he was scared. The Train started laying on the horn. He just freaked and didn't get off the tracks. I watched the whole train roll right over him for what seemed like five minutes straight! It seemed like the longest train I'd ever seen! Finally it was gone. I was in hysterics by now. I thought he was dead; after what I'd just seen I could not imagine that there was even a chance he was going to be alive. I threw Nurse Hazel in my car and as I started the walk up to the tracks to see what was left of him when I couldn't believe my eyes... he was trying to get up! He was alive!!! I ran to him and saw blood and thought he was internally wounded. I was crying so hard by this point because I thought he was gonna die in my arms. He was silent. He never made a sound at all. I held him and realized he was maybe ok... Then Dave and Kris arrived, I had called them in a panic after the train had passed. They came up on the tracks and said "OH MY GOD... there's his tail!" Sure enough about 20 feet down the track there it was! We grabbed the tail and scooped up Doctor and raced to the vet. They sent us to the emergency vet clinic and I just now got word that he is doing well. He made it through surgery and is gonna be just fine in about 10 to 15 days! It's a Valentines miracle! I am soooo happy that he is alive and this is such a crazy story that I had to share it! He's gonna look a little funny but now everyone else will be able to tell them apart! I'm a very lucky and thankful girl tonight and Doctor is one lucky dog! P.S. I saved the tail!

...this one's for you. Go ahead and sing back-up. You deserve it. Oh, and here's a sentence from their wiki page: {Mr. Big was} composed of Shrapnel artist and former Racer X guitarist Paul Gilbert, Pat Torpey on drums, and singer Eric Martin, whose high voice on To Be With You and facial appearance led many listeners to believe him a woman.

• Here's some more on presidential hair, this time in the Inky.
• Pitchers and catchers reported! Woo-hoo! Philly guy Jayson Stark gives you a rundown on what you need to watch for this year.
• Happy Birthday Ugueth Urbina! Urbina was supposed to help revive our bullpen a couple of years ago, but then he went and set some people on fire, and he won't be released from jail until 2021, at which time he will be almost as old as Jose Mesa.
• And here's a fun little worthless fact: Keep the Home Fires Burning Was a Very Popular World War I song. The woman who wrote the lyrics, Lena Ford, died when her house caught on fire.

My first date took place in 1988 (are you serious? 20 years ago? Scary.). I was to meet my date, the lovely Amy Beth Conquest, at the Dream Roller Rink (pic, below). My mom took me to Four Corners Plaza, where I got on the Dream Bus (seriously they had a red and yellow bus which took you the 15 miles from Four Corners to New Church.) While riding on the bus, some sketchy looking girl came over to me and said, "Hey, my friend wants to do you." Being a sweet and nieve young country boy, I had no idea what she was talking about, and had never heard such an expression, so that our conversation went like this:

• Girl: Hey, my friend wants to do you.
• Me: What?
• Girl: My friend, she wants to do you.
• Me: What?
• Girl: My friend wants to do you.
• Me: What?

And so on. Now, keep in mind, in the 20 years since, I have never had another girl tell me that her friend wants to "do me", so it looks like I blew my big chance. Anyhow, we got to the roller rink, and I found out that Amy Beth had brought along a friend (who, incidentally, did not want to do me), Susanna Fisher. Susanna and I had a sordid history, as we had almost been going steady in the 4th grade, before she decided she would rather go steady with Matt Walker (who will be at Quizzo Bowl IV, by the way) and broke my heart. But time heals all wounds and I had decided to let that go, and the three of us were having quite a nice time at the roller rink. My skating began a little shaky, but quickly started to come around, though I still was unable to stop on my own volition. After a little while, and a sweaty palmed couples skate (probably to Styx, though "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" rings a bell), I decided to leave the ladies to their own devices and head for the game room. I put a quarter in Turbo, the only arcade game I can honestly say I was ever really good at. Well, I was absorbed by the game, and after setting a record I decided to head back out to the rink.

I started to skate, and I remember thinking to myself, "I am really becoming quite a good skater. I bet Amy Beth is rather impressed by my skill." Suddenly, Susanna made a mad dash towards me from the other side of the rink (she was a pretty good skater), a wild, crazed look in her eyes. "Jamey," she said (that's what people called me then), "It's all girls skate." It's hard to quantify the horror one feels as a 13 year old on his first ever date when one realizes one has committed the ultimate faux pas of skating during all-girls skate. Girls were skating by, giggling. My heart dropped to my stomach, my eyes began to fill with water. I needed to get the hell out of here, off of this confounded rink! I took off in a mad dash towards the end of the rink, convinced that everyone in the building was laughing at me. I mean, what kind of weirdo male skates during all girls skate? I had really accelerated, but keep in mind, I wasn't much of a stopper, and I ran full speed into the fence at the end of the rink, dropping to the floor like a sack of potatoes. And that, my friends, was the beginning and the end of my relationship with Amy Beth Conquest.

This is, quite honestly, the worst song ever recorded by humans.

Here's my latest in the Metro, about Presidential hair.

As most of you know, Valentine's is one of my favorite days of the year. A holiday dedicated to romantic love, so that every couple in America is doing essentially the same things at the same time. What could be more romantic than that? A mass wedding at Madison Square Garden presided over by Sun Myung Moon perhaps, but not much else. And those Vermont Teddie Bears? I love those things! Adorable! A Vermont bear never hibernates! And you know why? Because true love never sleeps! (By the way, if I catch any of you Connecticut Teddie Bears around my property, I will blow your freaking brains out. Frauds! Vermont Teddies are the only real thing!) Well, to honor my favorite day of the whole year, I will be asking plenty of questions tonight about murder, divorce, bad love songs, and bitterness. Come on out. It's gonna be fun!

RELATED: Bobby Badtimes loves Valentine's as well.

1. You may be surprised to realize that this still popular actor made his silver screen debut in Rebel Without a Cause.

2. This actor, who became a sitcom star from 1986-1993, made his screen debut in Risky Business.

3. The famous line "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" came in an ad for what brand of shampoo?

4. You'll find Times Square on the corner of Broadway, 42nd, and what numbered avenue?

5. Who was the 3rd VP of the United States?

6. Basketball wasn't the only sport invented in Massachusettes in the 1890s. What other popular team sport was founded a year after basketball?

7. What is diazapam better known as?

8. The center of our galaxy lies in this constellation, between scorpio and Capricorn. It is one of the signs of the zodiac.

9. This 2007 comedy is the only ilm this year to be nominated for both an Oscar and a Razzie.

10. The scientific name for the shinbone is what?

Whoa, you heard about this one yet? There's a guy in Vancouver who claims to be the love child of JFK, never meant to be. Love child. Scorned by society. And has Ted Kennedy tried to kill a story about it in Vanity Fair? Oh, and the guy was born on November 22, 1961, a fairly ominous date. I say hoax.

Quizzo regular Laura is a teacher at Philip Randolph Career Academy, and recently told me about her school's efforts to start up a basebal