October 2007 Archives


Steve O. hooked me up with a ticket to the Zee Bar's annual Halloween party, and I headed over there on Saturday night. It was filled with beautiful women and a lot of toolbag type guys wearing outfits that revealed how awesomely ripped they were. That included a group of guys who went as SWAT team that was sitting at a booth. At one point in the evening, a young lady said, "Come with me to my friends booth." Now, if there is anything more Manayunk douchebag than getting bottle service at a party where the alcohol is free I'd love to know what it is. But this team of totally awesome SWAT team guys had done just that. By the time I got to their booth, all of the booze was gone, but a few of them were looking at me disgustedly. Finally, one of the guys goes, "You're not with our group. Get the f*** out of here. You're not f****** with us!" He glared at me angrily. Now, keep in mind that as this guy is getting all fired up at me for daring to sit at his booth, I am dressed as Pee Wee Herman. I thought about it for a second, and realized that if I started to fight this guy and Andy Reid (aka Steve O.) joined in, it would be one of the greatest C-celebrity Halloween stories ever. But Steve was nowhere to be seen, and there were four of them, so I figured that discretion would be the better part of valor. I headed out, but not before chiming in, "Well, I guess I'll just be going then" a la Pee Wee at the Private Club of the Satan's Helper's. I looked over a few minutes later, and the head toolbag had his head in his hands. Apparently that bottle service booze, though an excellent way to waste money, had gotten the best of him. Or maybe he just felt bad for kicking me out. That was probably it. He was so mad at himself. "I have turned Pee Wee against my SWAT team! What was I thinking?'
RELATED: To see a pic of the toolbag that tried to start s*** with Pee Wee Herman, click to after the jump. He's the guy all the way on the left.
RELATED: For a few more shots of the Halloween party, including Pee Wee with a few more cuties, click here.

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It just wouldn't Halloween w/o hearing from the Donspiracist. He wonders if, perhaps, humans can transform into lizards.
Shapeshifters have captivated human imagination for much of recorded history. Think of the vampires that turn into bats, the men that turn into wolves, demons that can transform into anything that scares us most. The fascination seems to lie in the notion of one thing changing into another, the same idea that drives alchemy. To believe such a thing, one must presuppose the existence of the supernatural and a type of physics that allows a human to change into some other, often animal shape. To my knowledge, science has not disproved either one.

I know its Halloween, and werewolves should be on the agenda, but I'd rather turn my attention to a different kind of shapeshifter: the reptilian.

David Icke was the first writer to popularize for modern audiences the human that can shapeshift into a reptilian being. In Icke's view, the reptilians came to our planet eons ago, and they remain to rule our planet, only in disguise. He traces certain distinct human lineages back to Babylon. These families exist today in the shape of our ruling classes. You know many of their names: Rothschild, Rockefeller, Kennedy, Bush, and almost all the royalty of Europe. Many of these families are related to each other, and in convincing style, Icke demonstrates how most world leaders are linked to these bloodlines in one way or another. That includes most U.S. Presidents.

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JD Outten (above, with son), whom I spoke about earlier this week because he took honorable mention in a middle school oratory contest that I deserved to win, answered back in the comments section with a poem of his own:
The Broadwater Gym Lights, have seen great sights,
But the greatest they ever did see:
was long before SARS
and a poem about Mars
And I defeated Johnny G. T.

In true East Coast/West COast fashion, I have answered with a poem of my own:

I'd memorized every line of that confounded rhyme
About a raven as black as dark fudge is
So when they announced that JD
Had defeated JGT
I knew he must have paid off the judges.

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-Danny Lloyd, who played the young boy in The Shining, is currently a biology teacher in Louisville. He didn't know he was acting in a horror movie until years later.

-Do yourself a favor and a story by the greatest horror writer ever today, Edgar Allen Poe.

-Harry Houdini died on Halloween, 1926, after some dude at McGill University punched him in the stomach. Perhaps not coincidentally, my ex-girlfriend (named, appropriately enough, Elvira) went to McGill University. The lesson: If you are a quizmaster, magician, or some other novelty profession, steer clear of McGill students and alumni.

-The jack o'lantern originated in Ireland. But they carved their jack's outta turnips. Here's some more Halloween fun facts.

-Ladies are dressing quite revealingly at Halloween these days. Are these outfits perpetuating stereotypes about certain professions (naughty nurse, tough cop, etc.)? And here's an article in last years NY Times about the current trend of, ahem, revealing outfits. What do you guys think? Slutty outfits: harmless fun or a sign of the decay of the Western World?

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I knew D-Mac was doing a story on Steve-O, but I had no idea it was a cover story. Damn, congrats, Steve. Speech! Speech!
UPDATE: Steve O. will be on WIP at 7 a.m. manana (thursday), so be sure to listen!

Alright, gang, time to pick a movie for this weekend. I have never seen any of the following. Yes, I know I'm the only person alive who never saw A Few Good Men. For those of you who keep telling me to watch 12 Angry Men, I'll put it back in a poll soon and see if it fares any better. Whichever movie has the most votes by Friday at 5 pm is the one I'll be watching.

Yeah, I know I keep flip-flopping on this, but only one quizzo this week. The Good Dog is closed for renovations this week, so Thursday night at the Bards will be the same questions as earlier in the week.

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Dr. Strangelove was certainly a lot of fun, though I can't say that I found it downright hilarious and I certainly don't think it's one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. I thought the film was almost as much of a farce as a satire, especially when Slim Pickens rode the bomb, which was just silly. As for Dr. Strangelove, I found him amusing but not hilarious. The Mein Fuhrer stuff was more provocative than funny. And George C. Scott's character was a little too over the top. (Of course, he was a little over the top for Scott's taste, too. During his takes, Kubrick told Scott that he wouldn't use some overacted "practice" scenes and then ended up using them in the final cut anyway. Scott swore he would never work with Kubrick again.) But it was a fun ride, and a good pick.

Keep in mind that when I am grading these films, I am grading them against other classic movies, not against typical films. I give Dr. Strangelove a C, well worth watching but certainly not as good as my favorite Kubrick film, Full Metal Jacket.


I will be giving one point for each member of a team that dresses up for quizzo tonight and manana.

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-I took a friend to Astral Plane a few months ago on their final weekend b/c she's a foodie and I wanted to show her one of my favorite restaurants before it closed. Well, now it's reopening-sort of.

-SInce I've been on a Canada kick lately, here's your chance to learn a little bit about Halifax. (NSFW due to cussin'). Funny stuff.

-Scientists discover 400 year old clam, which raises the question: did this clam kill Christopher Marlowe?

-The "Are they Porn Stars or Fox Business Anchors round"? (SFW) I got a 9 out of 10. Does that mean that I know my FOX anchors...or my porn?

-Coming this afternoon: my Halloween adventure (which included some jackass in a swat team outfit kicking me out of his table) and my review of Dr. Strangelove.

I am proud to unveil the 5 minute skit Chip and I have been working on for the past few weeks. If you like it, PLEASE click on the word "Funny" at the end of it, or click "vote" in the bottom right hand corner and then click "funny". Please don't click "die", even if you think it sucks. If you like it, pass it on! (Special thanks to the Beauty Shop Cafe at 20th and Fitzwater for letting us shoot some scenes there.)

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That's right, Boys and Ghouls, it's time for the 5th Annual (are you serious? I've been doing this s*** for five freaking years now?) JGT Halloween Spooktacular. On Tuesday and Wednesday all questions will have to do with ghosts and goblins, horror movies and scary songs and other assorted terrors. We'll be back to regular quizzo on Thursday. I will have candy, prizes, and teams in costume will get bonus points on Tuesday and Wedesday!

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Who directed the 1931 classic Dracula and the 1932 cult classic Freaks?


-Have you seen the amazing play at the end of the Division III Trinity College-Millsaps College game? 2nd greatest ending to a college football game ever. (Had Millsaps band run onto the field, it woulda been #1). I love how #3 for Millsaps finally just says "The hell with it" and just stands there.

-A bitter debate about the designated hitter broke out in the comments section recently. Here's some numbskull that thinks that the NL should adopt the DH, and here is an interesting article which claims that the DH is a moral hazard. Bottom line, the DH is perfect for frat boys like Garrett and BMT who hate pitching and strategy and love home runs. I'm not sure where Garret lives in Seoul, but I'm guessing it's a frat boy suburb where people piss on the streets. And if you see BMT this week, tell him you like his backward Red Sox cap and his popped collar. But keep your distance: DH fans are inherently dangerous people.

-Andy Reid impersonator Steve O. (above) won the Best Sequel contest from September. Yeah, I was a little slow on this, but his Lambada 2: The Dance That's Been Legal Since 2006 took top honors. Congrats to Steve, who wins a $20 Bards gift certificate and 2 IMAX passes.


Who played Danny Torrance in the Shining?


This actor, whose TV career spanned three decades, got his start in a 1957 movie with the title role of I Was A Teenage Werewolf.


In which Edgar Allen Poe story does the narrator entomb his friend in the catacombs?


Before receiving her own comic in 1971, Sabrina the Teenage Witch debuted in 1971 in what comic?

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What city was John Wayne Gacy from?

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What is Elvira's real name?

Well, the 5th annual Halloween Spooktacular is on the way, and I'm gonna warm you up with a few Halloween questions posted under the pics of last weeks winners. One guess per person.


Boston Red Sox owner John Henry decided to celebrate his team's second World Series win in the last 4 years by raising a gloved black fist to the sky. It was a brazen move by the rebellious owner, and Red Sox nation is not exceptionally pleased. "Hey, it's great that he's built a winner here in Boston," said Sox fan Davey O'Brien, "But does he have to remind everyone that he is a Marcus Garvey disciple who believes in black nationalism? On today of all days?" Added Brian O'Davies of nearby Worcester, "He looked like a nerdy white John Carlos out there. We've come a long ways since the 1968 Olympics, and his black power salute was not wicked awesome."
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O'NEALS
Young Old and Restless 100
Dork Sided 97
Freshly Shorn 96
Corn Bread Mafia 95
Above the Knees 82

THE BARDS (TUESDAY)
Sofa Kingdom 104
Intravenus de Milo 98
Ards 79
Spongeworthy Bob 78
San Diego Flames 78

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS
The Last Rat Packs It In (aka Jams) 110
Ellen Stole My Dog 98
Ask Me About My Hawaiian Shirt 97
1022 94
Ladies Night Out 76

BLACK SHEEP
Duane's World 102
Crazy for Swayze 99
Nice Camo, Johnny G 92
But My Mom Says I'm Cool 92
I Don't Drink Anymore or Any Less 85

GOOD DOG
O'Henrys 96
Should We Stay 70
By the Name of Awesome 61
Approaching Alarm 61
C+ Average 60

BARDS (THURSDAY)
Hurtin' Bombs 110
Terminator 4: Flames of Autumn 101
Malibu Sands Beach Club 84
M Triple X D 79
Three's Company 75

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Dr. Strangelove edged Casablanca, 22-20, and I will thus be watching it this weekend. I'll have a review early next week.

Well, things in the "What classic movie should Johnny watch this weekend?" poll are looking pretty interesting. As of this writing, we have a tie between Casablanca and Dr. Strangelove. Who's gonna take the title? We'll know at 5 p.m. In the meantime, Chip and I are finishing up a little film we worked on last week. I'll be posting the movie on Monday.

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Edgar Allen Poe, Allen Iverson, and I all followed similar paths from the streets of Virginia to Philadelphia. And as the sole remaining torch bearer of our little triumvirate, I feel it is my duty to inform you that the band Glass Prism is performing manana at the German Society in a benefit for the EA Poe National Historic Site. They are best known for taking the poem The Raven and setting it to music. Anyway, should be a fairly intriguing Halloween party.

In the 7th grade, I memorized the entire poem The Raven for a middle school oratory contest. I got dressed up like Poe, put a plastic raven over an actual door, and performed the poem splendidly without a hitch. And when I didn't win 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or honorable mention, my mom was pissed. Especially when J.D. Outten got Honorable Mention for doing some dumb "radio broadcast with an alien" sketch. And judges, if you think that I or my mother have forgotten this little slight, you are wrong. Dead wrong.

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-Inky scribe Inga Saffron pulls no punches when describing the hideous Symphony House on Broad Street.

-In better Broad Street news: With the 425th anniversary of William Penn coming to Philly being tomorrow, the gang decided to clean the old fella up a bit. Here's some pretty cool photos the cleaning job, including one from inside his face. Here's a bunch more photos from Philly Skyline. These are even cooler, but there are a lot more of them.

-Sugarhouse doesn't have time for community activism, democracy, etc. It needs to get people hooked on gambling right freaking now! Therefore it is suing the city to stop dilly dallying and get out of it's f****** way.

-Any Glengarry Glen Ross fans out there? If so, this is a must see. Hilarious (but Not Safe For Work!).

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Trivia Art got the sweetest high def TV ever last weekend for the crib, and with the Eagles being unwatchable, I need something else to watch on that giant beauty on weekends. So I got to thinking, and realized that I have not watched a lot of the so-called "Greatest Movies Ever". I thought a good way to motivate me to do so would be to watch some of these films and write my reviews of them afterward. And I want you guys to help me figure out what to watch. So I'm posting a poll below of some great movies I've never seen. Let me know which one I should watch this weekend. I'll check the standings at 5 p.m. manana and watch the one with the most votes by then.

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-The Evil Empire is expanding! JGT to begin hosting quizzo at the Draught Horse (1431 Cecil B. Moore), near Temple's campus, on Monday, November 5th at 8 p.m. More details to come next week.

-As for the MyFoxPhilly quizzo: the first two shows were kind of trial runs to give us a chance to improve it and work out the kinks. We'll have a new one up soon, as soon as we can get a few things put together. If anyone has any suggestions, please make them below. Here's what we're working on: constructing a scoreboard to see how you do against the other players, getting prizes for the high scorers, and a few other wrinkles that we're kind of keeping under wraps for now. I think we're on a good track, now we wanna take it to the next level.

-Good quizzo tonight for both the casual player and the hardcore quizzoite: the title at Good Dog (15th and Locust) is wide open, as there is currently no dominant team. If you wanna test your mettle against the big dogs, go to the Bards (20th and Walnut) and go up against the Sofa Kingdom and the Hurtin' Bombs, two of the toughest teams on the quizzo circuit.

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-Finally, a convenient place to keep that shotgun. I'm pretty sure this is real.

-Philly gets dumped on by Sports Illustrated twice this week. First, the NBA preview issue comes out and the Sixers are declared the worst team in the Eastern Conference. Then, they do a piece on Top 10 cities in a sports slump, and Philadelphia comes in first. It's raining, we're ugly, and our sports teams suck. There's only one person that can break us out of these doldrums: Billy Ocean!

-As many of you know, I drive the sweetest ride in town, a 1997 metallic blue-green Crown Victoria. It scores me a lot of leg. But if you wanna be as awesome as me, you better hurry. They ain't gonna be makin' Crown Vics much longer.

-Manayunk is being bombarded by toolbags relieving themselves in public, proving once and for all that Manayunk is the open air outhouse of the Philadelphia Metro Area.

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Here's my latest Metro column. Hope ya like it. And what do youse guys think? Are we really that ugly?

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Well after getting the shaft by Philly Mag in their Best Of edition, being passed over for "Drunken Spelling Bee" (which I'm sure will still be around in four years), it's time for the only other "Best Of..." edition that matters in this city. (Sorry, Philly Style, but back to back wins for Starbucks as "Philly's Best Coffee Shop" took your Best Of edition from irrelevant to embarrassing). That's right, the City Paper Choice Awards. Please vote for me in the CP Best Of by clicking here. Quizzo is #22. I don't know why they have JGT Quizzo and Good Dog quizzo as two different choices (a diabolical attempt to split my vote and usher in a new champion?), but just vote for Johnny Goodtimes quizzo so as not to split the vote. Be sure to vote for O'Neals for Best Sports Bar, (#30), and be sure to write in Chip Chantry for Best Comedian (#40).

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You might be surprised to note that I read pretty much all of the comments on here. Or maybe you're not surprised to know that. After all, I am a man of leisure. I mean, what the hell else would I do with all this free time? But I have to say that one of my favorite things about this blog is the commenters. Even when the political talk gets heated, it stays moderately respectful in tone and the arguments are usually somewhat fair reasoned, even Bob T.'s. And a lot of the commenters here are pretty clever. Anyways, enough ass kissing, here are a few of my favorite posts from the past week:

-In response to the request, "Tell me some fun facts about Canada", Wes wrote: If you pull on a Canadian guinea pig's tail it's eyeballs will fall out.

-In response to the question of the week, "What 1978 Donny and Marie Osmond movie took place on Hawaii, and was a critical and financial disaster?" Anonymous wrote, Wasn't it called "No, Seriously, Marie- It's Legal in Hawaii. Now Touch It"?

-But my favorite came from Gabezilla after I said that I was rooting for the Red Sox:
Once again, Johnny, you fail to see how real life relates to the Transformers:
When we kids, we were always glad when Starscream tried to overtake the mighty Megatron, because we figured dissension was bad for the Decepticons, which was good for the Autobots, which was good for us somehow. But Starscream never did unseat Megatron, and we were all better off because Starsceam, with that obnoxious screach of a voice, was actually more dangerous and careless than Megatron. Sometime into the show's run a weird, purple character named Shockwave came around. Nobody's really sure when he came or where he came from, and because he's really quiet, no one knows much about him. He too tried to take things over, but nobody payed him any mind, even though he had almost no weaknesses. Now that the Yankees (Megatron) are out of the way (indefinitely?), you really want the Starscreaming Red Sox to be established as the new alpha at the expense of the inocuous though boring, Shockwaving Rockies? Sure they beat up the Rodimus Priming Phillies, but, as we all learned, Rodimus Prime was ill suited to wear the crown.
Say no to Starscream people, before it's too late.

-

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Some good stuff in this week's PW. Here's the highlights:
-Trivia Art and the lovely Ginger (aka Suzy) are both featured in the Taste Mag insert. Not online, you gotta pick up an actual copy.

-Interview with a tattoo artist that is nothing short of amazing. People in the shop tattoo a lot of male genitalia on women. Later I cover them up. Once I turned a penis into Darth Vader. The whole helmet and everything.

-Shakespeare was a perv.

-The most pathetic, most offensive block in Center City Philadelphia is no doubt the west side of 15th street between Spruce and Locust. Fox and the Hound, Buca Di Beppo, and Starbucks form a Holy Triumvirate of generic crap for popped collar douchebags and adventurous South Jerseyites who dare wander out of Old City. And the Wal-Mart of Irish restaurants, Fado, guards the corner of 15th and Locust. Well guess who owns that giant dump of a block? I'll give you a hint: They are the most hated entity in the city other than the Eagles offense. From PW:
Buca di Beppo, the offensive Italian chain on South 15th Street, is closing once a new tenant for the building is found. We say good riddance! If there’s one thing this town needs less than another Italian BYOB is another crappy chain. Of course considering the space is owned by the Philadelphia Parking Authority, another crappy chain will no doubt sidle up to take its place.

If a wildfire like the one in California struck Philadelphia, and by some queer luck destroyed only the Philadelphia Parking Authority, wouldn't that just be awful? That would just be awful.

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There comes a time when the rationality of men must fade into insignificance and one must accept the inevitability of the Truth!

The quotation above is attributed to U.S. Navy Admiral Richard Byrd, taken from the diary he wrote after an expedition to the North Pole in 1947. What his diary reveals—if indeed the diary is authentic—is a reality so shocking and at odds with what mainstream science tells us that most of you might be unwilling to accept it.

But before we get to Admiral Byrd, we should explore some background. Many traditions as old as our civilization have told of the hollow earth. Buddhist and Hindu tradition tells of a place they called Shambala or Aggartha, an advanced realm that was located deep within the earth. Native American tribes as varied as the Sioux and the Inca talk of a race of white people who would issue forth from the bowels of the earth to pass on wisdom and guide them. This tale of the Inner Earth people has remarkable similarities across cultures; they are almost always described as tall, fair and white; often, they are called the descended masters, the first race, or the survivors of Atlantis or Lemuria.

Europeans have considered the possibility of a hololwo earth for centuries. Plato wrote of huge subterranean tunnels below the Earth's surface. In the 17th century Sir Edmund Halley, of comet fame, was convinced that all heavenly bodies, including the Earth, were hollow. Decades later, a mathematician named Leonhard Euler produced a mathematical proof that the Earth must be hollow.

On top of that, there is inexplicable evidence that is often ignored. For instance, in separate stories in Flying Saucer magazine in June 1970 and Search magazine in July 1970, Ray Palmer published a photograph that still causes controversy. In his editorial, he wrote that the photo was taken by the ESSA-7 satellite on November 23, 1968. Although we can see the ice-fields and 8-foot thick ice we do not see any ice fields in a large circular area directly at the geographic pole. Instead we see THE HOLE.

A detailed map of hollow earth and sheer craziness after the jump. -ed.

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What 1978 Donny and Marie Osmond movie took place on Hawaii, and was a critical and financial disaster?

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-The best opening sentence about a tragic death ever: The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died a day after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys.

-Paris Hilton wants to be cryogenically frozen. Unfortunately for us, she doesn't want it to happen until she dies. Won't it be wild if there is a nuclear fallout in 2134 and it unfreezes the bodies of Ted Williams and Paris Hilton but kills everybody else? That would make for a great reality show.

-Oceania, uh, I mean Philadelphia will be putting up video cameras all over the city to catch criminals. In the city of "Private Eyes" singers Hall and Oates no less. Hmmm, Donspiracist, I think I'm onto something.

-Steve O. is going to be on the radio today between 1-2 p.m., debating Armenian genocide. He'll be on 1540 a.m., or you can listen here. Steve is apparently AGAINST genocide.

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-First of all, I tried to meet some ladies by posting an ad on craigslist. There are going to be haters out there who say that I "fudged the facts" a tad, but I think it's a fairly honest look at myself.

-Secondly, Alycia Lane is single again. Her boyfriend, some New York broadcaster punk sissy, broke up with her because his station told him to, b/c of the whole Rich Eisen bikini flap. Wow, Alycia. You're single. I'm single. It's like the stars are lining up for us here. What the heck, let's go for it! I'm an astronaut!

-Eve, I haven't forgotten about you, girl. Listen, that thing with Alycia, that's just a friend thing. She's coming off a breakup, I'm a shoulder to cry on. That's all that is. Don't worry your pretty little eyes. You and me are forever girl. Shake that tambourine!

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Should be an interesting World Series, though I'm kind of torn on who to root for. On the one hand, the AL is a league for sissies due to the DH rule. And has anything gotten as annoying in the past three years as Red Sox Nation? Every frat boy douchebag in America now wears a Red Sox hat backwards to go with his Abercrombie and Fitch shirt. (I bet there are tons of Red Sox "fans" in Manayunk.)

On the other hand, I hate the Rockies for a number of reasons: 1) They wear purple. Pathetic. 2) They are an expansion team. I hate expansion teams, especially since they've won 3 of the last 10 World Series going into this one. 3) They are from Denver, and none of those hippies knows a slider from a hot dog. 4) They wear purple. 5) They beat the Phillies.

I guess I'm rooting for the Red Sox. At least they play in Fenway, and it's hard to hate Manny and Ortiz. And Josh Beckett is a bonified badass. What do you think?


Who played Reverend Jim Ignatowski on Taxi? He turns 69 today.

I thought I took you guys photo Thursday night. Did I? It didn't show up on my camera. If you play this week, I'll be sure to get a photo.

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This man was famously fired from Harvard in 1963, ostensibly for missing too many classes, but it was believed he was truly fired for his now infamous Harvard Psilocybin Project.


This Philadelphia A's first baseman, who turns 100 today, hit 58 home runs in 1932.

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Which member of the Three Stooges was born Jerome Lester Horwitz in Brooklyn in 1903?

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This famed Hungarian pianist celebrates his 196th birthday today. He was a child prodigy who lived up to expectations. His masterpiece was "Years of Pilgrimage".

A'ight, I'm gonna post pics of last week's winners. Under the pics, I'm gonna ask questions about people celebrating a birthday today. You post your answer in the comments section. One guess per person.


A road trip to Canada for an RPS tournament, a new scoring wrinkle, and a quizzo lost to the ethos in a computer crash: It's time for the week in review.

O'NEALS: The Big Jesus Erection knocked off the Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, 100-95. The Young, the Old and the Restless finished a distant third.

BARDS: For the 4th straight week, it was a 1-2 finish for the Sofa Kingdom and the Dysfunktion, with the Kingdom taking the one spot the last three weeks. They won, 104-90.

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS: A shocker, as Garrett Reid is My Jailhouse Bitch (aka Trust Us We Know) changed their names and their fortunes, knocking off the Jams (aka Here's to You, Mrs. Oral Roberts) 109-107.

BLACK SHEEP: Palestra Jon's team, Polyeurethane Wife, took a perfect score into the final round and only missed two in Round Four. But it wasn't enough, as Duane's World aced the final round and took home a 114-109 win.

GOOD DOG: Was just getting ready to head out to Good Dog, and decided to print out my latest quizzo. Hit print and, BOOM! the computer crashed, erasing the entire quizzo. You would have highly enjoyed my behavior over the next five minutes as I stormed around my house, screamed at my cats, and contemplated throwing the computer off my roof. I finally settled down and headed to the Good Dog, where the Brothers' Big scored the only total blowout of the week, a 106-90 win over the Self-Effacing Scurriers.

BARDS: On to a strangely quiet Bards. All the other bars were pretty packed this week, including Bards on Tuesday, but Bards on Thursday was a different story. In the end, it was the Hurtin' Bombs holding off a pesky Holocaust Deniers: Rittenhouse Square Chapter, 94-89.

SCORING CHANGE: As for the scoring wrinkle, I let teams that were way behind going into the final round get back into it with some Monte Hall type games, giving 10-20 points for various items they might have in their pockets or purse. I only had one complaint, from my favorite complainer, but in the end, none of the teams that got the bonuses got a win. When that happens, I'm sure we'll have controversy. But I think it's kind of a fun way to keep teams that are 25-30 points down going into the final round from giving up. Your thoughts?

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-A guy goes cross country in a car in 31 hours. A cross country trip with no Detroit hookers, no JFK conspiracy theorists, and no 72 once steaks? Not interested.

-Holy cow, this dude puts the "car" in cardboard.

-Greatest reward for a stolen item ever. "The person who returns [it] is obviously the person who stole it, so they don't deserve any reward!" Name that movie.

-Any "Fish That Saved Pittsburgh" fans out there? If so, you need to see this. Insane.

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Here's a few from last week. Answers after the jump. Quizzo tonight at Good Dog at 8 p.m. and Bards at 10 p.m. If you haven't already played the online quizzo, click here.

1. Due to a contract dispute with the leads, Coy and Vance became stars of this show, causing it to jump the shark.
2. Who is the only current major leaguer to have played in both a World Series game and an NCAA Final Four, as he used to back up Steve Kerr at Arizona?
3. What state had a dead animal on it's license plate from 1987 to 1999?
4. Buddha was born in an area that then belonged to India, but in what is now what country?
5. What was the subject of the documentary Triumph of the Will?
6. In what sport would you find positions such as the long-off, the fine leg, and the third man?
7. In what 1995 Hughes Brothers movie would you have found Chris Tucker?
8. This co-founder of Untied Artists was known as America's Sweetheart, though she was born in Toronto in 1892?



Joey Bishop of the Rat Pack passed away last night. Though Bishop was born in the Bronx, he grew up in South Philadelphia and got his start on the local burlesque scene. He was the last living member of the Rat Pack. This from philly.com:
When he was 3 months old the family moved to South Philadelphia, where he attended public schools. He recalled being an indifferent student, once remarking, "In kindergarten, I flunked sand pile."

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-NBC's 10! show has long been on the cutting edge, and they kept that edge sharp during a recent show when cute co-host Lori Wilson said that Whitney Houston's "Saving All My Love For You" sounded like, "I'm Shaving Off My Muff For You". Her co-host Bill Henley has no room to talk, because on the episode of the 10! show I hosted last year, he made perhaps the funniest double entendre in the history of television.

-Last night, when I asked, "Which one is further east, Charlottetown or Niagara Falls?" Ern and a few of his pals hollered out, "Niagara Falls! Slowly I turned, and step by step, inch by inch..." A few people asked me what in the hell he was talking about. It's this, a famous old vaudeville act.

-James Watson raised quite a few eyebrows recently when he said that black people have lower IQs than white people. But when people blasted him for this theory, he was like, "Oh really, genius, well how many deoxyribonucleic acid double helix's have you figured out in your life? Because I invented that s***, son."

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Here's the latest. Hope ya like it. If you know of any fun facts about Canada (true or untrue) feel free to post them below.

-A new scoring wrinkle that will help teams in bad shape after round three was given a trial run last night and worked fairly well. We'll see it again tonight.

-Could the empire be expanding to North Broad? Stay tuned.

-Questions were pretty tough last night. Expect more of the same tonight.

-People always ask me where they have the best chance to win. It varies over the course of the year, but right now I would definitely say the Good Dog. No dominant team and a new winner nearly every week.

-Oooooh, I've got some sweet new last place prizes too.

QUIZZO TONIGHT: Locust Rendezvous 6:15 p.m.
Black Sheep 8 p.m.


-Cheesy chain Buca Di Beppo closing down. Nice work, Philly! But let's don't stop there. Now let's run the Olive Garden out of town. (But not Applebee's of course. Those poppers are amazing. And porterhouse steak topped with melted cheese? Brilliant.)

-More Trivia Art, this time in the Metro.

-Mitch Williams to AJ Daulerio of the Phillymag blog: Keep Curt Schilling away from this team.

-Yesterday I posted that things were going from bad to worse in Atlanta: First Joey Harrington, then TI, then the water shortage. Well, finally some good news: they're getting a WNBA team!!!

-The rankings are in, and the toolbags who fill out polls for Travel and Leisure have spoken. Philly sucks at pretty much everything, which is great. That means the squares who fill out these polls and their friends will stay away. Perfect. Oh, and we were the ugliest out of 25 cities. Um, hello. That's exactly why I moved here. In the land of trolls, I look like a prince.

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Hire this man immediately. (Good call, Garrett. He posted it in the comment section). Leo Mazzone is one of the greatest assistant coaches in MLB history and after his suicide mission in Baltimore, is available. Fire Rich Dubee and hire this guy today.


D-Mac and I started out on Friday at about noon, bound for Toronto. After stopping in Old Forge for their famous pizza (their not so secret ingredient: onions), we drove hard and fast for the border. Flew past Syracuse, Rochester, and Buffalo. Were allowed into Canada and then drove by Hamilton and toward Toronto, rolling into Canada's largest city at around 9:30 p.m. Dropped our stuff off at the Comfort Inn and headed for the Players Ball. As soon as I walked in the door, I had people challenging me to money games of RPS. I walked out later that night $35 richer. The Players Club was just off of College street, and the women walking around were quite cute. After winning some money and having a few beers, I headed back to the hotel and crashed hard. Spent the next day walking around Toronto. The first thing I noticed was it's cleanliness. We were sort of wandering aimlessly and found an area that was sort of a cross between 8th and Market and 22nd and Market: A few record stores, some adult bookstores, some regular used bookstores. And even this sort of sketchy area was clean. Impressive.

That night, I dressed to the nines and headed to a bar called the Steam Whistle for the RPS World Championships. D-Mac is doing a story on it for the Philadelphia Weekly, so I won't give a whole lot of details about the RPS, but I did fall in the first round on the final throw. Very disappointing. Hung around, saw the first ever female RPS Champ get crowned (also, the most unexcited winner of $7,000 ever), got shot down by a few more Canadian women, then headed with the Philadelphia contingent to a bar called Goodtymez, which was a dive bar near our hotel.

Buffalo, Cooperstown, and lots of photos after the jump.

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What two US Presidents won Nobel Peace Prizes while still in office?


-An awesome letter to the editor in last weeks Metro, after the Metro made a joke about Beanie Siegel behaving obnoxiously, acting like he was a South Jerseyite in Old City. The angry letter from a South Jersey native reads in part: For your sake, sir, we'll try to stick to our own class of people down here in the gutter. We won't force you to suffer the indignity of having to allow your eyes to fall upon such low-class trash, or god forbid, have to hear the vile conversations that fall from our mouths... On behalf of Philadelphians everywhere: Thank you.

-A guy who is running for City Council near Miami is running under a fairly astounding slogan.

-Great line from Stephen Colbert in a NY Times column about Gore's chance of the presidency: ...winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don’t need to care about science, literature or peace.

-Just when you thought that Joey Harrington was Atlanta's biggest problem, along comes this: Downtown Atlanta is about to run out of water. See, T.I. was just stocking up on guns for the coming apocalypse.


Got back in to Philly last night. Will have full details of the trip this afternoon, after I write my Metro column. In the meantime, do some reading on the Cardiff Giant, which I was in the same town as yesterday (Cooperstown) but didn't get to see. Today was the day the Giant was discovered in 1869.


This running back, #25 for the Eagles in 2002 and again in 2004, hails from Syracuse.


This Syracuse native wrote and appeared in the Twilight Zone.


This Native American lived in the Syracuse area long before there was a Syracuse. Longfellow wrote a famous poem that used his name, but it wasn't about him.


This Syracuse native served as head of the Democratic National Committee from 2001-2005 and is currently the head of the Hillary Clinton for President Exploratory Committee.


This Hollywood superstar from Syracuse made his first film appearance in the Brooke Shields film Endless Love.


This Syracuse-born comedian appeared in the films One Crazy Summer and Hot to Trot, and he opened for Nirvana on their final North American tour.

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Well, an interesting weekend, to say the least. I'll have more details and a lot of photos a little later. Currently in Syracuse, getting ready for the highlight of the trip: going to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Can't wait. Haven't been since I was 10 years old. Anyways, I'm gonna post pics of last weeks winners and the questions under them will be about people who went to Syracuse or who lived there. One guess per person.

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I'm off to Toronto for the World RPS Championships. I'm really feeling good. This could be my weekend. I'll have some pics of the craziness up sometime on Sunday or Monday. In the meantime, check out Rock Paper Saddam and PLAY THE NEW ONLINE QUIZZO!


Alright, I'm gonna make this snappy, cause I gotta hit the road.

TUESDAY: The Young the Old and the Restless's dreams of a fourpeat were dashed on Tuesday, as Dork Sided cruised to a win with 105 points. Cornbread Mafia finished 2nd with 88. The YORs finished 4th with 82.

The Sofa Kingdom knocked off the Narkotyzing Dysfunktion at the Bards, 94-86.

WEDNESDAY: At the Vous, Booze Donkey got the 2nd highest score of the week, a 106. Unfortunately, the only team to score higher all week, the Jams, also played at the Vous. They got an incredible 115 and took home the prize.

Die, Johnny Goodtimes, Die (basically a Satan's Minions splinter cell) pulled off a blowout win over Duane's World, 101-85 at the Black Sheep.

It was also on Wednesday that JGT strapped on the purple lingerie.

THURSDAY: Speaking of blowouts, Flipped by Bonaduce scored an 81-52 win over the Syracuse Soap Opera, who I believe posted the lowest ever score to finish in the money.

The word at the Bards was that this was one of my toughest quizzes ever. The Sofa Kingdom didn't seem to mind, though, scoring a 96-88 win over At least no-one at this table has the clap.

Hey gang, the new MyFoxPhilly Quizzo Spectacular just got posted! Go check it out! If you like it, please tell a friend! I think this thing has a lot of potential, but I need your help to get the word out. Oh, and let me know how you score on this one. I think it's a little harder than the first one.

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The Donspiracist was not happy with the Phils-Rockies series last week, so he decided to take his revenge the only way he knew how: by exposing the TRUTH about Denver's evil airport, an airport that looks like a swastika from above, that houses prisoners underground, and that has horrifying paintings in it's main entrance!
I, the Donspiracist, took a week off to celebrate the Phillies' thrilling theft of the NL East title from the hated Mets, only to have his jubilation crushed by those boys who play in Homer Central, aka Coors Field. I hope they get snakebitten.

How fitting is it then that my topic for this week is the Denver Airport? If you've never been or wonder why the hell I'm writing about an airport, then you need to start by taking a look at some pictures, which are taken of the mural in the Great Hall of the Denver Airport. As you look at them, you notice that they are not what you would expect for an airport serving the general public, including families and children. The work is dark, violent and disturbing. The artist who was commissioned to paint these murals claims he was simply working in a medium he has explored for years. That may be so, but what the hell? Some of the more offensive murals have since been painted over. Still, conspiracists suggest the murals portray the intentions of the New World Order, a future filled with fascist world government, genocide and occultism. (Check this out, it's a pretty wild video about the airport -ed.)

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I'm only gonna be there a couple of days, and part of that time will be roshamboing, but are there any sights, restaurants, etc. that I need to check out? I've never been. Post below.

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Everybody has been asking me lately about dinosaur sex. And by "everybody" I mean nobody. So I'll share with you what I know. First, an answer from the straight dope. But wait, it gets better. I stumbled onto a forum of a site called askabiologist.com, where I suspect most of the questions are like, "Why do turtles have shells?" But on this forum, things got a little wild, and the next thing you know, biologists are debating each other about dinosaur sex. Why are there no TV shows where scientists debate each other about dinosar sex? Who wouldn't watch that?
RELATED: Cosmos magazine teaches us more in an article titled Tyrannosaurus Sex.

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This week it's about TV show mashups. I want to hear yours. Got a tv show mashup? Post it below.

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This is what happens when you bet on Philadelphia sports teams. The thrift store didn't have any bathing suits, so I had to go with lingerie in Colorado Rockie purple. I had a few people drive by and tell me to do unholy things to myself, and received a number of middle fingers, but for the most part people just assumed that I had lost a bet. (In case you can't read it, the sign says "Los Rockies son muy bueno!" To see the larger version, click on the photo). For the Pat's photo (taken with a different hat) click below.

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-Tried out with Cafe Lift on Sunday with Trivia Art (and a couple of beautiful women who only like us as friends). It was a terrific brunch (Get the french toast!) and Art gave 'em some love in his Bite column in the Metro.

-Michael Klein has a quiz in which he asks if you know what the spots containing popular restaurants used to be. Here's the answers.

-The Philly foie gras debate just went big time. TIME Magazine weighs in on it. .

Still looking for a photog, but if worse comes to worse, I might just have to ask a stranger. Been working on posters all morning. Crafts are harder than I remembered. Anyways, I'll keep ya updates, and humiliating photos will hopefully be up by this afternoon. If not, then certainly tomorrow morning.

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Thoughts? Concerns? Did you really think for a second that they might go after Joe Torre or Joe Girardi? I think they signed him ASAP so they wouldn't get hounded by Phillies fans if Torre became available and they didn't go after him. I'll also repost what I posted on beerleaguer yesterday:
Here's what concerns me: I kind of think Manuel got bailed out with a truly terrible bullpen. In other words, since every pitcher other than Romero and Myers was downright awful, he really couldn't make a bad choice when he went to his bullpen because they were all likely to fail. If the team does get bullpen help, I'm scared we'll see more of what we saw in Game 2, moves that don't really make much sense.

However, I like Charlie, and I really like how he's handled the harsh environment in Philly. I don't think he gets enough credit for his attack on Eskin. Suddenly, with the team 4-11, the focus was on him and not on the team sucking, and they seemed to right the ship after that. I really want him to succeed, but they have to have someone on that bench who is in charge of the bullpen. He's a great hitting coach, but he's clueless with pitching and they need someone better than Dubee telling him what to do.

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A bet's a bet, so tomorrow, I will make my trek to Pat's and Geno's to be photographed in the woman's bathing suit. Thanks Phillies. It will have to be during the day, so anyone who is free and wants to be the official photographer for this occasion should contact me. In return for your services, I will buy you a cheesesteak.

A couple of other things coming up that aren't remarkably humiliating: A new quizzo on MyFoxPhilly coming in the next day or two, as well as a new rant from the Donspiracist. Also, have a contest we'll be kicking off manana. Be sure to check back.

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What destroyed the Michelle Knapp's 1980 Chevy Malibu in Peekskill, NY on October 9, 1992?

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I'm going international, homies. That's right, I'm headed to Toronto this Friday. Why? To compete in the Rock Paper Scissors World Championship. As most of you know, I am both hated and feared in the local RPS community, having won the City League Championship in 2006 and finishing in the Final Four in 2007. I am quite confident I will win on Saturday, and have already spent the $7,000 awarded to the victor.


Remember when you were at the Kimmel Center and you were watching the orchestra and you were like, "The flute player is alright, but he'd be better if he could beatbox."? Then this jam is for you.

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-"The Genius Factory" caused quite a furor when it came out a couple of years ago, and I've just started reading it. So far, it's great, and I thought you guys might wanna learn a little bit about the Nobel Prize Sperm Bank. Here's an article in the Guardian about the resulting children by the guy that wrote the book.

-Congratulations South Korean men! Apparently, your penises have been growing in leaps and bounds! In an article about condom firms, a chief of one of the big firms (ahem) in South Korea stated, "The size of South Korean condoms now meets international standards, helped by an increase in the size of men's penises here." My question is, who's doing all the measuring?

-Redefining rock bottom, Britney's VMA performance will soon no longer be her most embarrassing video. Her home was burglarized recently: The burglars are believed to have made off with Britney's collection of raunchy homemade sex tapes as well as a selection of the singer's steamiest photographs. Some of the uniforms Britney allegedly wears for kinky sex games were also taken. Article here. A lot of people think I'm celibate because nobody wants to hook up with me, but that's simply not true. I just don't want to make a bunch of raunchy sex tapes and steamy photos only to have them fall into the wrong hands.

-In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, filmthreats.com is honoring the 50 greatest breasts in cinematic history.

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The most absolutely appalling holiday in America is today, as we celebrate one of the most evil men to ever walk the planet. Columbus Day is an embarrasment. From American Heritage:
Columbus led an expedition against the defenseless Indians that was incredibly savage in its slaughter of the naked islanders and destruction of their villages. The heavily armed Europeans were accompanied by ferocious greyhounds each of which, Las Casas wrote, “in an hour … could tear 100 Indians to pieces because all the people of this island had the custom of going … nude from head to foot.” Many people were taken alive, and five hundred were sent as slaves to be sold in Castile...Today the Arawak community of peoples, those “innocents” of Father Las Casas, who once inhabited in such numbers the larger islands of the Caribbean and who welcomed the white men to the New World, has vanished from the West Indies.

When Columbus first arrived in the West Indies, he wrote to the Queen: "So tractable, so peaceable, are these people, that I swear to your Majesties there is not in the world a better nation. They love their neighbors as themselves, and their discourse is ever sweet and gentle, and accompanied with a smile; and though it is true that they are naked, yet their manners are decorous and praiseworthy." Within months, he was cutting off their hands if they couldn't find him gold and killing their babies and cooking them on spits to teach these people a lesson about respect. And yet, five years ago, George W. Bush issued a presidential proclamation celebrating "Columbus' Bold Expedition and pioneering achievements", a presidential order to celebrate genocide, greed, and evil. Of course, with the legalization of 15th century torture techniques and "shock and awe" to teach respect as two of his administration's legacies, maybe that shouldn't be so surprising.
RELATED: Here's a pretty good comparison of Columbus to Heinrich Himmler.


In what new show will you find Peter Krause and Donald Sutherland?


What new show stars Zachary Levi?


Who stars as the female news-anchor in the new show, "Back to You?"

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In the new show Aliens in America, what country is the foreign exchange student from?


What's the name of the new spin off to Grey's Anatomy?


What popular new show stars Michelle Ryan?

Alright, let's find out what hot new shows are on tv right now. I'm gonna post a question about new shows in the fall schedule and you can answer in the comments below. One guess per person. Last week, nobody figured out who the Phillies lost their 10,000th game to. The answer was the Cardinals.


The Week began on Sunday, when the Phils completed their monumental comeback (and the Mets completed their monumental collapse). It led to a wild, impromptu celebration in the middle of Broad Street.

-In quizzo action, we begin at the Big O, where the Young, the Old, and the F****** Psyched About the Phillies continued to roll past the competition with a 107-93 win over Dork Sided.

-The Sofa Kingdom cruised to a 99-80 win over the Narkotyzing Dysfunktion at the Bards, and then we all celebrated with Mind Erasers (above), which are a manly drink, I don't care what you say.

-The Jams (aka Madison Square Garden: Ladies Entrance) won for the 9th time in 11 weeks at the Rendezvous, acing Round Four to knock off Playing With Steve, 112-102.

-A nailbiter at the Black Sheep, as Duane's World slipped by Who Needs D? 102-100. After a couple of slow weeks, the crowd seems to be picking up at the Sheep as well. Once the weather turns, I think the Sheep will again become a hotbed of activity.

-MAGMA returned to the Good Dog on Thursday, and emerged with a victory. But they were upstaged by Mayoral candidate Michael Nutter, who showed up in time for the 4th round (above, with a crazed looking JGT, who happened to be wearing a "Member of the Right Wing Conspiracy Club" shirt that night). His team finished 4th. Al Taubenburger, if you're listening and think you can put together a squad to take on Nutter's team, let me know. I'll see if I can put something together

-An overtime match at a packed Bards on Thursday night, as the Hurtin' Bombs and the Kingdom ended in a dead heat. The OT question was, "When was Garth Brooks born?" The Kingdom answered 1954 and the Bombs answered 1958. The answer was 1962, and the Bombs came away with a win.

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I remember when Utley went down with an injury, and I said to Trivia Art, "Well, I think that may do it for our Fightin's." Art strongly disagreed. "Oh yeah, like they're gonna break our hearts in August. This team isn't going down without a fight, if only to make the pain in September more acute." Well, I feel the same way about this series. This team isn't gonna get their asses kicked for three straight games. A) They're too good to do that. B) This team seems to thrive with their backs against the wall and C) That wouldn't break our hearts. Winning games 3 and 4 and then losing game 5 at home would break our hearts.

Teams never come back from 2-0 down after losing twice at home. But teams also don't come from 7 down with 17 to play, teams don't make the playoffs with a bullpen that consists of guys who haven't been good since "Teen Spirit" was released, and teams sure as hell don't make the playoffs when two of their starters go down for the year, one goes to the bullpen, and one is the worst starter in baseball. This is a team that has defied every law of baseball this year, and has fought like a rabid animal every time they've been backed into a corner, so don't expect them to go quietly into that good night. I've seen too many crazy things happen this year. I'm not throwing in the towel until the final out of the final game is made.

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Yep, I accidentally used the word 'benevolent' when referring to Hitler when that was not what I meant. (Read column here). Fortunately, a very friendly lady pointed out my mistake in a "Letter to the Editor" and in doing so, only called me "stupid" like three or four times. Apparently, despite her excellent vocabulary, the only words she knows for unintelligent are "stupid" and "dumb". It's probably because all of the people she hangs out with are sheer, mistake-free geniuses so that she never has to use words that mean "unintelligent".

And it wasn't my fault. I had initially written "tyrannical dictator", but Charlie Manuel replaced "tyrannical" with "benevolent" in the fourth inning!

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This is beyond belief. This guy named John Wood lost his leg in a plane crash, but decided to hold onto it. He kept it in the freezer a while, but then decided to put it in his grill in storage. Well, when he fell behind in his payments, the grill was sold. The guy who bought the grill, Shannon Whisnant, is no dummy. He realized that a human leg inside a grill is his key to fame and fortune, so now he won't give the leg back. Shannon gave the leg to a local funeral home, but is still charging people to look inside the grill where the leg used to be! He is charging adults three dollars and children one dollar. What a deal for the kids! Shannon understands that the children are the future, show them grills and let them lead the way. Show 'em where there used to be a leg inside. Give them a sense of pride!
UPDATE: John got the leg back! Hooray for justice!

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Good stuff from Jayson Stark at ESPN.com:
Charlie Manuel isn't the first manager in postseason history to gong his starting pitcher in the fourth inning. He isn't the first manager to wave for a reliever who found himself muttering later about that "one bad pitch" he tossed up there. But he was the first manager in the history of his franchise to yank his starting pitcher in the fourth inning of a postseason game even though he had the lead. And when a manager puts himself that far out there on a limb that precarious, here are the rules of October:
He'd better be right.

Phil Sheridan disagreed. Good luck on this one, Phil. When 46,000 people boo because they see a manager make a bad decision and then get completely validated by the results, you can be damn sure that the manager is going to hear about it. Forever. Charlie has made plenty of bonehead moves, but this will be the one that he'll be forever defined by. Says Stark:
20 years from now, the manager shouldn't be shocked if some total stranger approaches him in a restaurant and asks: "Why the heck did you take Kendrick out?"

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As every woman I've ever hit on knows, I was a dolphin trainer in Hawaii for 3 years. While living in Hawaii, I was good friends with another trainer named Justin from Denver. And when the Broncos went to the Super Bowl against the Falcons in '99, he needed someone to bet against. Well, we were pretty sauced by kickoff, so I told him that if he gave me the points I would bet him. The deal: loser had to write the winning teams name in the black lava with coral rocks...while wearing a woman's bathing suit. Needless to say, I lost (above).

Well Justin and I have remained friends through the years, and when the matchup of Rockies-Phillies came up, I got a phone call. The deal breaks down thusly: If the Phillies win, he has to stand on the side of the road and write "Phillies #1" in coral rock while wearing a woman's bathing suit. If the Rockies win, I have to hold up a sign in front of Pat's and Geno's that read's "Rockies Rule" while wearing a woman's bathing suit. In other words, if the Phillies lose this series, I'm going to get my ass kicked in front of Pat's and Geno's. Today's game is a must win.

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Ya boy Danny is gonna be waiting tables upstairs tonight. Be there. Action starts at 8 p.m. Also, my iPod is acting screwy. If somebody could bring their's tonight, that would be great.

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Today in Dan Gross's column he talks about a couple of people I've never heard of breaking off their engagement. Ok, sure, but then there is this: The pair had dated several years and were engaged in March on the Wachovia Center court during a Sixers/Celtics game when Bell was to interview the winner of a mascot race and the winning mascot pulled off his helmet and proposed to her. Awesome! Fair warning to any female who thinks she has a chance to marry me: If I ever ask you to go on a trip to Milwaukee, then we go to a baseball game, then I excuse myself, and then you see a giant chorizo running towards you with a rose and tiny black box in his hand, prepare to say "yes". Or, even better, "no". Because there is nothing funnier than a heartbroken chorizo.

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This team has made a habit of striking back when the chips are down. They're gonna be fine. Remember like a week ago when they lost the first game against the Braves and then had to beat Smoltz and Hudson? Yeah, well now they have to win two, but they don't face anyone as good as either Smoltz or Hudson. I just hate that it's a day game and this team can't hit the ball in the daylight for some reason.

That being said, the crowd sucked yesterday. The home town faithful have gotten so spoiled on home runs this season that they can't appreciate really good pitching. The crowd has got to get fired up, and if the umpire today never figures out what the strike zone is like the ump yesterday, let him know about it!

Oh, and good news for the team. I'm going to today's game. They are 1-0 in the last 1 games I have attended. The numbers are in our favor.


Yeah, Tuesday got a little wild, but I did only end up doing one mind eraser, and a few more shots. But I was able to get out of bed before 3 p.m. the next day. The Narcotyzing Dysfunktion, meanwhile, had been saving up gift certificates for like a year and spent, I think, $560 worth of gift certificates Tuesday night. Pretty incredible. I wasn't sure, but I thought I saw a few of them with a decent buzz.

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This week's column is about the biggest chokers in world history. If you can think of any chokers I left out, please post them below.

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Let's celebrate at quizzo tonight when the Phils win!

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1. What was the name of Will Smith's first solo album?

2. J-Roll became the 3rd shortstop in MLB history to record 30 homers and 30 stolen bases in a season. One is still a ML star, the other one retired in 2004 after playing for the same team for 19 years. Who are they?

3. This future president was an illiterate tailor in Tennessee in the 1820s when his future wife taught him how to write.

4. In what important document would you find the words, "We pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor"?
a) Declaration of Independence b) Gettysburg Address c) Magna Carta d) US Constution

5. How far is it from the bowling foul line to the front pin?
a) 50 feet b) 60 feet c) 70 feet d) 80 feet

6. In this popular Nintendo game, Bill Rizer and Lance Bean fight Red Falcon terrorists on the island of Galuga.


It was right before the All Star break when this frustrated, injured, and underachieving team finally hooked us all for good. And that was when they ran out into a squall to help save the grounds crew in Denver. It was probably the first time we'd cheered the damn team all year, struggling as they were at the time to reach .500. And now here we are, playing that same team. The Rockies stayed in the clubhouse, the Phils worked in the rain. Karmically, I'm feeling pretty good about this series.

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-Rush Limbaugh calls soldiers who don't support the war "phony soldiers". What does that make people who get out of fighting because they have a cyst on their ass?

-Alyssa Milano says she's done dating athletes, I have not played organized sports since I was 18; she was on "Who's the Boss, I used to watch "Who's the Boss"; she was in "Poison Ivy", poison ivy gives me a terrible rash; Hmmmm, I hate to use the term "match made in heaven" but I think we may be on to something here.

-George Bush, in an effort to get his approval ratings under 25%, vetoes a bill that would help the poor get healthcare. \

-Chip Chantry tonight at Helium. 8 p.m. Be there.

-Attention bars: If you plan on carrying today's game, please CUT OFF THE CLOSED CAPTIONING! I mean, if someone deaf comes in the bar, sure, you can cut it back on, but otherwise, keep it off! Nobody cares what the morons calling the game say, especially if the words are blocking the action on the screen, which they always do. Man, that drives me crazy!

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Jose Mesa made the postseason roster! Other interesting notes from the roster: my boy Rod Barajas made the cut. Apparently Ruiz has a sore shoulder, so we could see a fair amount of Coste in the playoffs. Adam Eaton did not make the final cut. To be honest, I felt pretty bad for him at the pep rally yesterday when the only person who got booed louder than Eaton was Mayor Street. I mean, my dream in life is to get booed by 150,000 people, but I wanna get booed for being an a******, not for sucking.


Only in Philadelphia would a guy who impersonates the head football coach hang out on a bus with Mitch Williams, Hugh Douglas, and the baseball team's mascot. I still don't think I understand where the hell they were going, just cruising around South Philly on a bus. I mean, what??? Here's Steve-O's report (That's him, above, with LA's NLCS ring). This is pretty insane.

Last night was Comcast Sportsnet's 10th anniversary special at Chickie's and Pete's in South Philly. The place was full of Philadelphia sports personalities and I was invited there to participate in the live broadcast of "Monday Night Live". I was there as part of the cast of the Eagles documentary film "Green Fans". Other fans included "helmet man", "cheesesteak man", "Tattoo man" - it was like a dysfunctional Ocean's 11/Island of Misfit Toys/SuperPhriends. Our Superpower? Strong Spelling ability.

There was a VIP party in the back, but the real fun was on the "Scotty Express" - one of the premier Eagles tailgating group buses. Once the players, broadcasters, etc., left the VIP party, we guided them towards the bus for some drinks and Philly sports talk.

Each time one of the name guys would get on the bus, we would joking yell, "Lock the doors! Let's get moving"!!!!

Some of the more notable names to hang with us on the bus:

Mitch Williams - was in awe of the bus and called Philly fans the best fans ever. When we were taking group pictures, I suggested we should exercise terrible aim and capture shots of our feet as a tribute. He found that pretty funny.

Phillie Phanatic - Well he has no real mouth, so there was no drinking. Just the usual craziness he brings to the table. He has serious ADHD.

Bob Kelly - Former Flyers legend of the 70s. Not very amused when I yelled out, "Hey. It's Charlie Manuel".

Ike Reese and Hugh Douglas - both are still baffled about the lack of adjustments made during the Eagles game to help Winston Justice.

Steve Coates - Flyers play-by-play announcer. Fun guy.

Gary Matthews - Drinking water when we saw him last night. Very uncharacteristic if you knew of some of the legendary stories involving him as a 1983 Phillie.

Larry Andersen - I've hung out with him before. But for most of the guys on the bus, it was their first time. At first he was reluctant to get on the bus, and wanted to make sure we were all Phils fans too (which we all are).

He had plenty to say about this bunch of Phillies. He is still in awe of how they put it together. Along with Mitch and Sarge, he gave tons of credit to Uncle Charlie. He said other managers would never have been able to weather the storm from early this year. He said that he likes Eskin, but that Charlie woulda taken Eskin out if they had fought. We were going crazy when he said that.

We also celebrated seeing all the Mets fans in tears.

Then LA, Mitch and our group started singing High Hopes (seems like we only knew the one line about apple pie in the sky). LA knew the whole song and as we all started drinking, we suddenly hear him singing the 2nd verse (and possibly 3rd).

It was a good night. People are pumped about the Phillies.


Ok, rarely do I post things that compete with me, but I'm willing to make an exception this time, since Chip's the guy that introduced me to Lou Pearlman when I was 14. Chip Chantry's gonna be shooting a resume video Wednesday night at Helium, and he needs a good crowd to show up. Tickets are $15, but if you tell them that you saw his Myspace post, you get two for one tickets (it's ok if you didn't actually see it. Just tell them you did. See kids, sometimes it's ok to lie.) Anyone who has seen Chip do standup will tell you that he's damn funny, except for that one time we did that show at the Balcony at the Troc and the people who had just left the heavy metal concert downstairs came up and were really loud and it was Chinese New Year so then fireworks started going off during the middle of his set and then he called one of the Troc employees a whore and then we got fired from the Troc. He was pretty crappy that night. But every other time he's been hilarious, so get your tickets asap.
Helium Comedy Club
2031 Sansom St, Philadelphia
Wednesday, October 3rd
8pm
Call for reservations: (215)496-9001

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Hey remember when Eskin went after Charlie after the 4-11 start and said that Charlie should throw a fit to get his players fired up, and instead of going after his players, Charlie went after Eskin? Yeah, well the team was 85-62 after that, best in the NL by far. Charlie pisses me off sometimes, but I can't help but like the guy, especially now. With this team on the ropes, he took all the pressure off them and put it on himself. Lou Pinella did the same thing a few months later and everybody called him a genius. Charlie did it and everybody called him a knucklehead. Well, vindication must be sweet. Now, if we can just get him to finish the job and beat the hell out of Eskin to get the team fired up for the playoffs.
RELATED: Great article about Charlie that includes this amazing quote: We had 13 kids in my family and I used to have to fight for my breakfast.

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What former Phillie was known as the Hoosier Hammer, and once had 170 RBIs in a single season?

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I had a free ticket to Sunday's game, and I almost didn't take it. Those of you who follow this blog know that the Phils lose almost every time I go to a game (I honestly think that before Sunday they were 3-13 in games I went to this year, including the opening day loss, the 10,000th loss, and the loss on Saturday), and I was going to honestly blame myself if I showed up and they lost again. But a free ticket is a free ticket, so off I went with my buddy Brian.

We sat beside a father-son duo. The father was in his 80s and the son was in his 50s. They were both delightful to talk to, and it was obvious that they had been to dozens of games together over the years. They had been through a lot of frustration together over the years, but not today. The energy at CBP reached a fevered pitch, the crowd began to sense a victory, and the towels began to wave furiously after every called strike. The grandfatherly man leaned over toward me, smiled and said, "This is the greatest day I've ever had at the ballpark."

Things only got better. After the game, I ran into D-Mac, and we headed toward the subway. Before getting on, I saw a couple of people wearing "Phillies-NL East Champions" shirts. I asked, "Where did you get those from?" Before they could answer, a 20-something gentleman leaned forward and asked brusquely, "How many do you need?" I answered two, and he rolled up his pant leg, showing off the new white shirts tied around his leg, giving new meaning to the term bootlegging. We each bought a shirt for ten bucks and hit the Express.

Wow

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Watching the Padres-Rockies game and a promo comes on for NBC10's local news team. After the usual stuff about fires and weather, all of a sudden the cheesy announcer dude says in his serious voice, "A psychic poodle...a deadly message. Exclusively on NBC." Wow, I bet FOX and KYW are just kicking themselves or not being able to land the psychic poodle story.

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Where did Vic and Bourne both injure their knees within a few minutes of each other?


While playing in Japan, Charlie Manuel picked up this nickname, which fit his tenacious style of play and fiery temper.


What team did Wes Helms play for last year?


What team did the Phillies lose their 10,000th game to?

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Jimmy Rollins played in all 162 games this season. What member of the Phils played in 161?

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Who was the only pitcher in the Phillies bullpen besides the injured Ryan Madsen to have an ERA under 4?

Gonna post pics of the winners of last weeks quizzo with questions about the Phillies underneath. One guess per person.

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-I used to hang out with these guys, the Tangled Thoughts, a few years ago when they still lived in Philly, and used to watch them at Abilene's. Well, things have taken off since they moved to Cali. They got hooked up with Kurupt and just released their first album. Here's a few tunes they have on Myspace. I like "Jumpoff".

-The Metro launched their new blog, Metropolis, today.

-Rudy Giuliani is going to eat at Geno's tonight to show his support for racism. If anybody wants to go and chant, "Gen-O-pho-bic! (clap-clap, clap-clap-clap) Gen-O-pho-bic!" give me a holler. I'm down.

-Have you heard of Pricasso? The artist who paints portraits with his, um, manhood? (This is SFW, but if your boss walks by he's going to think you are kind of insane.)

-Steve O. is gonna be playing Andy Reid on Comcast Sportsnite at 7:30 p.m. and 11 p.m. After last night's game, I think this could be a great opportunity to see Steve O. get beat up on television.


Yo, I'm gonna check out the rally at City Hall. It'll be a little different than the impromptu celebration we had on Broad yesterday (more on that later), but it'll still be fun. I'll be back this afternoon to do my write up about what was an incredible weekend of celebration, heartbreak, and finally euphoria in the middle of Broad Street. Oh, and if anybody wants to see me follow through on a dreadful bet, be at the Bards tomorrow night. I have to drink Mind Erasers. I told the Kingdom I would never drink another one unless the Phils went to the playoffs.

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Story to follow whenever I recover from my hangover! How sweet it is! How sweet it is! Here's a few select calls from Harry in the 9th:
HARRY KALAS: You hear the cheer? You hear the cheer? You know what that is? That's the final out at Shea Stadium...This is just unbelievably exciting. Wow! What great fans...This is really special to be here and see this. This is quite an afternoon...This is truly exciting...Curve ball, struck him out! THe Phillies are National League East champions!

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