August 2007 Archives

-Kick it off on Tuesday at O'Neals, as the Young, the Old and the Restless were able to win for the 3rd time in 5 weeks, taking a 101-97 win over Dick Cancer is No Laughing Matter. Philly Softcore finished 3rd.

-The Sofa Kingdom cruised on Tuesday night, knocking off 2 Pint Minimum and Don't Laugh, Splinters Cause Infections, 105-81-81.

-Our first upset came on Wednesday, as the Jams (aka Craig and McGreevey: BiPartisanship in Action) fell to Where's Baby Hair, 95-93. They were missing Jam Captain and Barb, but it was still a pretty stacked Jams team, so it was a big win for Where's Baby Hair. River of Rocks finished 3rd at a packed Locust Rendezvous.

-A big comeback for the Satan's Minions, who aced the impossible round to pull off a 106-102 win over Pee Wee Herman's Head. Perennial powerhouse Duane's World were Vegas favorites going into the match, but angered a lot of gamblers with a devastating 10th place finish.

-A low scoring slugfest at the Good Dog, where the vacuum created by MAGMA's break up has yet to be filled. I Can Has Cheeseburger beat the Good Dog staff team, We Got Glasses...What? (above). The staff team, who usually finishes last, thought that wearing glasses would make tem feel smarter and intimidate the other teams. The ploy worked, as they recorded their first ever 2nd place finish.

-And a blowout at the Bards, as the Hurtin Bombs won for the 4thstraight week. One more win and we've got a bounty. They beat The Table, the Flash, and the Fonz, 113-97. The Kingdom finished with 96.

Have you guys heard of Mx Headroom pirating telelvision in the late 80s? This is wild. It interfered with a showing of Dr. Who. The fake Headroom also interfered with a sportscast earlier that day. No-one has ever figured out who did it.

This time the Donspiracist talks about a creepy private hangout and secret society that some of the most powerful men on earth belong to. This is good stuff. Enjoy.
What did you do for summer vacation?

Hopefully, you didn't have to sit through Daddy Day Camp.

But, if you were lucky, you did get to go to camp, just like many of our richest and most influential politicians and businessmen. They congregate for two weeks in July every year at a place called Bohemian Grove, a very large encampment about an hour north of San Francisco. The Grove is owned and run by the Bohemian Club, an organization founded in the middle of the 19th century by men who felt isolated and exiled in the rough American West.

The club has evolved into a meetinghouse of the most powerful men in our society. Every Republican president since Coolidge and most Democrats have been members, as have most upper echelon government officials. The roster of recent members includes both Bushes, Bill Clinton, Reagan, James Baker and Henry Kissinger. Members from other areas of society are prominent as well, including Walter Cronkite.

Season over. Screw the Phillies. The Phillies always blow the businessman special games. Always.
UPDATE: Uh, yeah, scratch that. I'm an idiot. What a win! What a win! Paul Lo Duca sucks! Hahahahahaha! And we own Billy Wagner! Could someone please check on Palestra Jon? I just wanna make sure he doesn't do anything drastic. Hey Mets fans, enjoy the trip back on the Turnpike tonight! Hope traffic isn't too bad. Haha, just kidding. I hope traffic sucks.

ABOUT THE MANAGER:
He never challenges umps, he tries to keep this even keel attitude and I believe in the process has made this team chumps in big spots.

where the hell is the focus or for that matter the coaching?

ABOUT THE GM:
he made horrific trades, he is an overrated GM.

ABOUT THE TEAM:
I can't believe this.. .... I can't allow this team to do this to me anymore. I have never in my life watched a more frustrating team.

Is it football season yet??

Where did these lines come from? Me on Sunday, after we had lost 4 of 6 to the Padres and the Dodgers and saw our season slipping away? I said some similar things, but no, these are lines from Metsblog.com , as they saw their season going to hell. The only thing sweeter than winning three straight is winning three straight over the Mets and their obnoxious fans, then sitting back and enjoying as they turn on their own! The games of the last two nights have been things of beauty, and if we can stay hot, this city is gonna go nuts. Oh, and good news, Phillies fans, I WILL NOT BE AT TODAY'S BUSINESSMAN'S SPECIAL. With the team's 2-10 record with me in attendance, I have decided to stay away from the ballpark and give them a chance to win today's game. You're welcome.

This week, we discuss the lost art of the wink. If anyone has any thoughts on the future of the wink, post them below.

1) This Lost Boys star helped Sandra Bullock slow down an out of control cruise ship in Speed 2: Cruise Control. Who is he?
Jason Patric; there are apparently plans for a Speed 3. I am not kidding. In this one, they have to keep roller blading at least 15 miles an hour or their brains will explode. It will also star Sophia Coppola and Hulk Hogan.

2) This man's mistress, Lucy Mercer, was at his side when he died of a cerebral hemorrhage.
FDR. Here's a little background, and that is a photo of her above. FDR apparently not a big fan of attractive women.

3) What was Jimi Hendrix's only Billboard top 40 hit?
All Along the Watchtower. Here he sings it live.

4) What brand of soft drink was invented in Waco, Texas, in 1885?
Dr. Pepper. It has 23 secret ingredients, all of them gross. Here's a brief history of how Dr. Pepper got started.

5) Eastern Tennessee delared itself an independant state in 1784, but this idea was shot down by Congress a year later. What was this pseudo state named?
Franklin. Here's a history of the pseudo state.

-No bounty tonight at the Vous, b/c the Jams won't be there. But that might be a good thing.WIth the Jams out of the picture, this is an excellent opportnity for a new team to win at the Vous.

-The Good Dog is still wide open, with no clear cut favorite from week to week.

-Vegas likes Dane's World to repeat tonight at the Sheep. Can your team stop them?

-Still in discussions for the next city vs. city smackdown, with doing it soemwhere where anyone who wants to can play. I'll keep ya updated.

-Please buy Kanye West's album when it is released on September 11th. Gangster hack 50 Cent has promised to retire if Kanye's album outsells his, and 50 Cent retiring would be great for music and for America. He is a worthless, mindless moron and absolute HACK rapper. Kanye West, on the other hand, is intelligent and extremely talented, both as a rapper and producer.

-Stop the presses! Philly Mag has got the cover story the others couldn't get! Children on the Main Line are spoiled! Holy s***! I had no idea! Thank you for this important investigation! Otherwise we would have never known! Next month, I think the cover story should be about how people who live on the Main Line have money. Or maybe one on this new trend called "Fantasy football". (That being said, the article about Craig Laban vs. Chops is pretty good.)

-Happy birthday, Aaron Rowand! Welcome to your 30s! It's kind of like your 20s, except without all the fun!

-This is just too ridiculous, but it will make your day.

The lovely Ginger and I had sort of fallen out of touch lately. We've both been pretty busy, and she's been "going steady" with Lance Romance for like 7 months now. And you know how it is when one friend gets into a serious relationship, you just don't see them as much. So we hadn't really hung out in a few months.

Then, last night, a disaster. As I prepared to meet another friend for dinner (went to Uzu, a fairly good sushi place in Old City), I got a splinter in my foot. It hurt like heck, but even worse, it made me feel kind of lonely. I usually revel in my singleness, but getting a splinter is cause for wishing a woman was there who could help me get it out and listen to me pout about how bad it hurt and then tell me how brave I was being if I didn't cry. I tried and I tried to get it myself, to no avail. Finally I went to dinner, grumpy and in pain.

THE DANGEROUS OPERATION
After another difficult self-operation this morning, I realized that I was never gonna get it out myself, and I knew that there was only one person in Philadelphia who knew me well enough to operate on my foot: Ginger. She came right over, and after a half hour of anguish and pain, the cursed splinter was removed. And now I feel good as new. All thanks to Ginger! She's more than a lovely co-host, she's a lifesaver!
RELATED: Johnny and Ginger go to Camden.

What's the name of the biker gang in Pee Wee's Big Adventure?

So I'm bitching about Philly Style Mag to Trivia Art yesterday, as I see that they have an article about this new phenomenon known as "Fantasy Football" in their City Life section: "Prevailing at this game requires drafting the best team possible...and playing them in a virtual competition against the teams assembled by family members, friends, or co-workers." Really? You don't say! Competing in a virtual "Fantasy" football game against friends and co-workers? How unique, and I would have never heard of it if not for your magazine! Hey, next month you guys should have an article in City Life that begins, "Bread is often used on what many people are calling 'the sandwich'." Anyways, I try to explain this to Trivia Art, and he says, "I can't say anything bad about them, they called me 'culinary crack'." It's a damn shame.

-When I saw that a Senator had been arrested for lewd conduct in a bathroom, before I opened the story, I said to Trivia Art, "I'm betting Republican." Right again. Are there any Republicans in Washington who, while campaigning on Family Values and anti-gay marriage, aren't trying to pick up men in bathrooms? I mean, keep in mind, two big name Republicans have been caught trying to pick up men in restrooms in the last two months. Can you imagine how many have gotten away with it? Is David Vitter the only straight Republican in Washington?

-What in the holy hell is going on with the bees? Is it you, with yor fancy cellphone?

-Good debate about patriotism going on in the comments section under the Donspiracists column. Feel free to join.

-It's a bird, it's a plane, it's Hammerman!!!

Today is the birthday of the star of my favorite movie ever recorded. No, not Francis...Pee Wee Herman turns 55! Pee Wee's Big Adventure continues to serve as an inspiration for me. A story of following ones dreams, of finding true love, and of inspiring others. Here's hoping you get what you want for your birthday, Pee Wee!

It's 1:30 p.m., and you guys have combined to answer one question?

In what movie did Pee Wee Herman sing "Bird Bird Bird Bird is the Word"?

This song was released by Howlin' Wolf in 1962, and by the Rolling Stones two years later.

When someone yelled this at comedian Bill Hicks, he got so angry that famously responded, "Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever; kill everyone, Adolf, kill them all!"

In what movie would you hear a remake of the song "Three Little Birds"?

The top selling single of 1984 was bird related. What was it?

Who originally sang the song "Bird on the Wire"?

Alright, I'm gonna post pics of last weeks winners with a trivia question underneath. The questions will be about bird songs. One guess per person, and no cheating.

Here's the rundown of the past week's action:
-Tuesday night at O'Neals, it was Dork Sided taking an early lead and holding on for a 95-86 win over the Cornbread Mafia. Philly Hardcore finished 3rd.

-At the Bards, the Sofa Kingdom's arch nemesis, Narkotyzing Dysfunktion, was a no-show, and the Kingdom waltzed away with a 104-82 boiling of the Two Egg Omelette. Freddie Bear finished Numero Tres.

-The Jams split into two teams on Wednesday at the Rendezvous-and those two teams finished First and Second. Hurricane Erin Blew Through Mexico edged Tommy Udo's Fan Club, 114-113. In 3rd place, it was A Different Kind of Hate. The Jams have won five in a row. I am waiting to hear from Jam Captain to see if he's playing this week. If so, we'll have a bounty.

-No upset at the Black Sheep either. Yes, Duane Can't, a conglomerate of Duane's World, the Minions, and Yes You Can't, knocked off My Eggplant Spells Cole Hamels, 104-96. Quizzo legends WTF made an appearance, but showed a lot of rust, finishing with a 75.

-Mac Robinson's Yellow Sweater got the win at the Good Dog, taking out Manstruation, 89-80. Vladimir Man Love took the bronze.

-On to the Bards, where we had controversy. It Looked Like the Day After the Day After Tomorrow had pulled off a 11-109 win over the Hurtin Bombs. I had asked what MLB team has the record for most losses in a season. The answer I was looking for was '62 Mets, who lost 120. But the Bombs put the 1898 Cleveland Spiders. The Spiders had lost 134 in 1899, so I had to gove partial credit. That forced overtime, which was won by the Bombs. The Kingdom finished 3rd with a 107.

Also this week:
-The Sequel Contest
-The Sequel Column for the paper
-The emergence of a new force on johnnygoodtimes.com, the Donspiracist.

Couldn't do the Week in Review because I am in the midst of a super-secret project that is going to be totally awesome and take this jawn to the next level. I'll have the Review up manana. But in the meantime:

-Great cover stories in both the Philadelphia Weekly and City Paper this week. This is YOUR city. What are you doing to make it a better place?

-You know how I love Reef Tha Lost Cause's tunes. This weekend, I'm hoping to see him live at the Khyber. Saturday night, 9 pm. Who's in?

-Trivia Art wants to know: Who has the best nachos in the city?

Ladies and gentlemen, I am very excited to bring to you the latest member of the jonnygoodtimes.com staff, the Donspiracist. The Donspiracist is going to be looking a little closer at some things that deserve a 2nd look. He begins with this column, on 9/11.
In his very entertaining book of essays Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, Chuck Klosterman writes about a pre-9/11 email he sent his friends asking them to make a choice. Would they rather go on blind date with someone they knew was attractive and successful? Or would they prefer to go on a blind date with someone who was attractive, successful, and "very patriotic"? Almost immediately, all his friends responded that they would date the first person. Klosterman claims he wasn't surprised, nor am I. A quick poll of my friends and co-workers returns similar results.

Why is it that so many of us think of patriotic people as undateable? Even in this post-9/11 age where one's willingness to express love for America is a kind of litmus test, I secretly believe patriotic people are lousy in bed and would make dull significant others.

Why?

-Sunday is the last day to get your sequels in, so get 'em done.

-Stephen A. Smith gets demoted by the Inky. Hallelujah! A talentless hack who couldn't write his way out of a paper bag, I really hope he quits and gets out of this city.

-It was on this date in 79 AD that Vesuvius erupted and buried Pompeii, killing everyone, even the hookers. But the Best Little Whorehouse in Pompeii is still there!

-Mmmm, Fast Fixins Frozen Chicken Strips. Now with mercury and shards of glass!

Holy Freaking Cow! Just got an astounding message from Smackdown: American Gladiators is coming back! That's right, NBC is putting together a new season of Gladiators! God Bless you NBC! And NBC, do me this favor: Please, Please bring back Malibu, I don't care how old and out of shape he is now.

A'ight, I'm headed off to CB Park to watch a little baseball. Last night's 15-3 is meaningless. Win today and we take the series. But it don't look good. As the moderately insane are quite aware, the Phillies always s*** the bed in the businessman's special. And we've got Fabio Castro making his first start, and I'm not feeling real good about that. This is was the perfect opportunity for a fan group, though. Fabio's Castros, a group of guys with all green fatigues and long beards. Or Fabio's Fabios, a group of meatheads in pink shirts who have long, gorgeous golden locks
P.S. Keep those worst sequels coming! Yes, you may post more than one. We'll vote next week.

-Here's Entertainment Weekly's list of the actual worst sequels ever.

-Rangers, who had struck out 30 tomes and scored two runs in their previous two games, beat the Orioles, 30-3. The best part was that the Orioles at one point had a 3-0 lead.

-This is pretty awesome. 59 year old playing on a college football team. Which reminds me, I have four years of eligibility left...

-Damn, I swear all the great concerts happen on Thrsdays, when I gotta work. Tonight, G. Love and Special Sauce at Penn's Landing.

In case you haven't had a chance to pick one up, here's this weeks column. Yep you guessed it, it's my ideas for worst sequels.

Here's a few questions from last weeks quizzo, with a little more background info on the answers:
1) Rainey Bethea was executed on August 14, 1936. What made his execution unique in the United States?
A: He was the last person executed publicly. The reason we haven't done it again is because it didn't go so well. The hangman was wasted.

2) What fighter on Mike Tyson's Punchout hailed from Philadelphia?
A: Mr. Sandman. If you really wanna waste 2 minutes of your life, watch this uber-nerd get beat up by Mr. Sandman. Eerily compelling.

3) One of the worst movies ever made was also one of 1998s most lucrative. It's tagline was, "For Love. For Honor. For Mankind".
A: Armageddon. Here was Roger Eberts review of this tripe.

4) What religion runs the "Psychiatry: A History of Death Museum"?
A: Scientology. Yes, this museum actually exists. Here is a video tour of the museum. To be honest, this museum looks freaking awesome.

5) Who did Elvis meet with on December 21, 1970 to express his contempt for the drug culture, and producing one of the most amazing photos ever?
A: Richard Nixon. Here's that photo and a little background on it.

6) Hugh Beaumont is best known for playing what character on TV?
A: Ward Cleaver. After leaving the show he became a Christmas tree salesman. Hugh Beaumont rules.

-It was 96 years ago today that the French noticed something. "Hey, wasn't there a picture of a lady where that empty frame is now?" Except they said it in French: "Perdon moi, parlez vous un pictorio de femme en la framerie?"

-Here's the latest from Trivia Art. Did he really think that the Independence Brew Pub was helping us get ahead at anything?

-If I ever rubbed an old lamp and a genie popped out, I'd wish for the same thing I woulda wished for as a kid: a time machine. (Of course, if I ever rubbed an old lamp, I'd probably just get a hand rash.) Anyways, scientists are saying that time travel will be possible in the future. But wait, if time travel is possible in the future, why aren't any of those time travelers here now? They probably all went to the 20s, when the booze was flowin' and the girls were easy.

-Hey, Philly just won an honorable mention for best tasting tap water! Get that ticker tape ready, it's time to celebrate!

A'ight, I got a $20 gift certificate to the Bards and two IMAX passes to the winner of this contest, and a $15 gift certificate to Good Dog for 2nd place. It's a sequel contest. You need to come up with the worst idea for a movie sequel that hasn't been made, and a short plot outline. I want you to come up with some ideas so bad that they make Weekend at Bernies 2 actually not look like such a bad idea. I'll go first:
It's a Wonderful Life 2: Potter's Revenge
Picks up shortly after the original left off. George Bailey still faces charges of Destruction of Property and a DUI after plowing into the tree before he jumped off the bridge. Potter sees an opportunity to put his rival behind bars, and hires Clarence Darrow (played by Spencer Tracy) to take the case. Things look hopeless for Bailey, until Uncle Billy exposes Potter's darkest secret to the courtroom, and a mistrial is declared. Stan Musial makes his acting debut as Judge Rogers.

Post your ideas in the comment section below, and make sure you leave a name and an email address so I can contact you if you win. Have fun!

Happy birthday to Philadelphia underground legend Steve O (above, with Fabio). The Andy Reid impersonator/piano maestro/quizzo host/comedian/damn good guy turns 24 today. Or something close to that. His plans to celebrate? Playing quizzo at Dark Horse tonight. Steve also celebrated early by winning twice at quizzo last week. Go ahead and holla atcha boy Steve on Myspace or drop him best birthday wishes in the comments below. Steve, my birthday gift to you: I'm replacing Lionel Richie with you on my Myspace Top 12!

Only one person intimitely involved working with the Warren Commission is still alive. He was not an official member of the commission, but an assistant counsel to the commission. Who is he?

I'm getting kind of tired of the songs on my iPod and was wondering if anyone wanted to play some of their tunes at quizzo this week. If you are interested, shoot me an email (johnnygoodtimes@hotmail.com) and let me know at which quizzo you wanna DJ at. First come first serve. Word.

So I got one of those "My late husband sent me a ton of money and I need to give some of it to you, complete stranger" emails yesterday, and being it was a rainy Sunday, I decided to respond (that's the passport she sent me, above). Here was the initial email, with my response after the jump. She actually wrote back to me today! If I do decide to contact her lawyer, I'll let you know. Oh, and I hope you will follow her advice to "always be prayerful".

Dear Beloved,

Glory to God in heaven. My name is Mrs. Anne Marie Joubert from South Africa. I am married to Mr. Abraham Benjamin Joubert, who is a mechanical engineer worked with shell petroleum company for many years before he died in 2004. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.

Before his death we were both born again Christians. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited a total sum of $10.5 Million ( Ten Million, Five Hundred Thousand U.S.Dollars) with a security and finance company in Europe.

Presently, this money is still under the safe keeping of the reserve company. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next seven months due to my cancer problems. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke. Having known my condition, I decided to donate this fund to church or better still a Christian individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want a church or God fearing individual that will use this fund on, orphanages and widows propagating the word of God and give help to mankind. The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that givet.

Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.
Yours in Christ, Read Hebrews13:15v16 New Living Translation
Mrs. Anne Marie Joubert.
After the break, Johnny responds.

-This is hilarious. Top 10 streaking videos of all time. To be honest, the ones rated 1-4 are the lamest, but the first six videos are priceless. More silly than offensive, but probably not safe for work.

-Bill Moyers, one of the few television journalists with any cojones, talks about Karl Rove's legacy.

-I care about you guys. I really do. That's why I want you to hold your right hand up and make the following pledge: "No matter how drunk I get, I will never, NEVER, climb inside a bear cage."

-Dick Cheney can tell the future!

-The Phillies "Quest to miss the wild card by one game" got a shot in the arm yesterday, as the Phils pulled defeat from the jaws of victory and blew a four run lead for the 2nd straight game against the worst team in the National League. I'd like to reiterate a guarantee I made months ago: The Phils will be tied for the wild card lead going into the final series of the season, then will lose two of three to the Nationals and miss it by one game.

What's the name of the Bird who is "cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs"?

This female R and B singer had a hit with "Wang Dang Doodle".

Who wrote the book Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs?

Who is the Boston Red Sox center fielder?

What was special about a gorilla named Koko?

What wrestler had a macaw named Frankie?

Gonna throw the pics of last weeks winners up. Yesterday was Coco Chanels birthday, so this weeks topic will be Cocoa. One Guess per person. No cheating!

A player that won twice, some new blood at the Sheep, and the an adios to a regular. Let's review.

-"Cuz I Got High" by Afroman, Featuring Phil Rizzuto, which was really just Steve O. and D-Mac, blew away the field at O'Neals, missing only two questions on their way to a 113-96 win over Last Quizzo as a Free Man.

-A nailbiter at the Bards, as the Narkotyzing Dysfunktion, as they and the Sofa Kingdom missed 0 questions in Round Three and got the same two questions wrong in round four. So it came down to the Speed Round, and Narks got one more right in Round Two, which would prove decisive in the 100-98 win.

-Mrs. Astor Will Miss Her Hair Appointment (aka the Jams), won yet again at the Vous with a 110. It was their 9th win in the last ten weeks at the Vous. One more win and we've got a bounty on our hands. Dead Television Personalities finished 2nd with 99

-A close match at the Black Sheep, as the Detroit Ligers knocked off Eschaton (aka Satan's Minions), 99-94. The red hot Duane's MInions, winners of 4 of the last 5 going into Wedensday's game, finished 3rd with 92.

-It was Steve O. again at at the Good Dog, as his team the Snap, Crackle and Popped Collars beat the Axis of Evil Knieval, 102-93. My parents team, the Hometown Heroes, finished 3rd.

-It was Sayanara Pete (above, on JGT's right in white t-shirt) Day at the Bards, as the regular for several years played his last quizzo before moving to DC. Sadly, there would be no spectacular send off, as his team, Jason Basedow Stole My Starter Jacket, finished in 4th. The Hurtin Bombs took the win, 101-87, over John the Baptist's Last Name was Goodtimes.