September 2006 Archives

...I'm heading to Jersey to be in a music video. Don't ask. I really don't know how this happened. But I'll be back Sunday to post results of this week. Remember, Monday night: Football quizzo at 7:30 p.m., followed by Monday Night Football, Eagles vs. Packers on the movie screen with concert sound AND the Wheel of Terrific at halftime. Boo-yaka-shot.

Damn, yo, Weird Al's still got it.

Yep, the Phils lost two of three to one of the worst teams in baseball. They'll win tonight, and the Dodgers will lose tonight, just to reel us back in one last time, but the Dodgers will not lose two of three. We're finished. Pathetic. We should have lost Wednesday night too. What a choke. I wish the silver lining was that this would mean that the Phils would fire Uncle Charlie and make a push for Joe Girardi, but we all know that that will never happen. The highlight of the game was this, from Rich Hoffmann's article in today's paper: Later, they booed the pathetic excuse for Thomas Jefferson who fell down twice in a race of big-headed presidential mascots - after, that is, they greeted the big-heads with a serenade to the Phillies' expert on all races of mascots: "Ran-dall Simon ... Ran-dall Simon ... " To make matters worse, the pitcher who got the win for LA in yesterday's Dodgers-Rockies game? Mark Hendrickson, a former Sixer! God has a sick sense of humor.

Oh, and a clarification. The Eagles game we're showing on Monday will be the live Eagles-Packers game, not a replay of the 1960 game. Somebody asked me that last night.

Monday night, the Eagles will be playing the team they defeated to win their last NFL title, the Green Bay Packers. And the Troc is gonna be showing it on their enormous movie screen. More importantly, you'll get a chance to hang out and watch the game with yours truly, and get to see just how emotionally unhinged I become during sporting events. It's going to be concert sound, on the big screen, and there will be $2 PBRs, dollar dogs, and $10 buckets of Corona ponies for you snobs who can't be happy with PBR. There will be a hot dog eating contest at halftime, lots of football trivia, and yes, the most HATED game show in the tri-state area will be rearing its ugly head, as Chip and I will be hosting the Wheel of Terrific on the main stage. You have to see it if you haven't seen it yet.

The plan: Finish up my private gig last night, go watch the end of the Phillies game and grab a quick beer, then still be home early. I haven't paid my bills in months, and I've got a lot of work to get done on Thursday, so it's important that I get a good night's sleep!
The reality: Phils game goes an excrutiating 14 innings, lasting well past midnight. I have a few beers. Then things get ugly. The freaking rocket scientists I'm hanging out with decide that we should celebrate the Phils win by drinking mind erasers. Not one, but two. I never do shots. Why? So I never feel the way I do RIGHT F****** NOW! To make matters worse, I had a construction crew at my house at 9 a.m., so I've been lying in bed, listening to drills and hammers for the past 2+ hours. I am in a world of pain.

If TO had taken 35 pills, would doctors really let him practice football the next day? I mean, seriously. I don't know what happened last night, but I believe what Terrell says. Remember a couple of years ago when everyone was convinced that Mike Piazza was gay, so he had to answer questions about it? I think this is even more pathetic than that. Nice job, drive-by media. I forgot, what type of champagne was John Mark Karr drinking on the plane?

Yeah, there were two things that could have happened last night. Either he had an allergy or he tried to commit suicide. But "Suicide" makes for much sexier headlines, more page views, and higher ratings. So you go with the suicide story and don't lend any credence to the other very possible story. Another miserable perormance by our unaccountable news media who doesn't report news, but reports speculation.

JGT will be at the Vous tonight, but he has a private gig and will thus miss quizzo at the Black Sheep. However, you will get a chance to hang with the second best Rock Paper Scissors player in Philadelphia, Jam Master Sean, who will be hosting tonight.

OK, before you go apes*** because you think that TO tried to kill himself, keep in mind that there's a decent chance that he didn't. Remember that this is the same drive by media that gave us Richard Jewel and John Mark Karr, a media that has no interest in accountability, only in sexy,explosive headlines. Police reports are by no means the final say in what really happened, they are simply what's reported to the police. The woman reporting this might not have known how many pills were in the bottle before TO took them, and just said something in the heat of the moment. I wouldn't be at all surprised if this is a reaction to his pain pills. So wait until the facts are out before you freak out, because there's a lot more of what we don't know than what we do.
Related: Here's the police report.

The first question in last nights quizzo was as follows: "What Phillie outfielder is the worst player in the history of organized baseball, including my sister, who played t-ball and once ran the bases backwards? I'll give you a hint. It's not Shane Victorino." Pat Burrell is absolutely killing this team, and needs to be benched for the remainder of the season, no matter how bad Dellucci's arm is. Pat Burrell this year is worse than David Bell last year, something that I thought was humanly impossible. I honestly think that the Phillies would have a better chance with me at the plate than Burrell, and I haven't played organzied ball since I was 15. I am serious about that last statement. I really think Burrell is so far gone that you could pick a random person out of the crowd and have a better chance of them sticking the bat out in front of the plate and getting a lucky hit than you would of Burrell coming through with runners on. I don't care how much money he makes, or how good his arm is, he needs to sit on the bench for the rest of the year, and then be traded to the Devil Rays for a fungo bat and a resin bag.

Last night was brutal. I mean, I left one of my favorite movies early to watch the last two innings, all for naught. But I'm keeping my head up. Last week, I said we had to take 2 of 3 from the Marlins and then beat the Astros. Ok, so we just swapped and came out of it 3-1. No sweat. We just need to go 4-2 the rest of the way to tie the Dodgers, 5-1 to win outright. The Nationals are terrible. Just intentionally walk Soriano every time, and we should be fine. I'd love to sweep, but I'll take two. The Dodgers go to Colorado to face the Rockies, then to San Fran for the Giants. We are a much better road team than the Dodgers. We are seven over .500 on the road, they are nine under. I'm now going to enter the zen-like zone I entered during the RPS tourney and try to transfer my powers to the Phils to help propel us to the promised land. You're welcome.

Ok, so this is unbelievable. There is a 110 year old man living in St. Petersburg who used to play Negro League baseball. And the coolest part (well, for me, anyway)? He grew up on 17th and Bainbridge, two blocks from my house! He played for a team called the Germantown Blue Ribbons, and though his memory of those past teams is a little hazy (those 110 year olds can't seem to remember anything these days), he remembers having a good curveball and a good fastball. To put in perspective how old he is: Simmons, known as Si, was born on Oct. 14, 1895 — the same year as Babe Ruth and Rudolph Valentino, and before F. Scott Fitzgerald and Amelia Earhart. Thanks to James for sending this in. If you see any crazy news stories that would be fun for the site, please send them to me.

Yeah, so the Big Lebowski was packed last night. Maybe even too packed. The Wheel of Terrific was, well, I dunno. It seemed to me to be one of our funniest yet. There was a game called "This is what happens Larry! This is what happens when you f*** a stranger in the ass!"*** in which the contestant beat the crap out of a toy car with a golf club. We also had three contestants in a row from New Jersey come to the stage, at which point I said, "What, is the Bleu Martini closed on Mondays?" But the crowd was only half into it, and at the end all I heard someone in the crowd utter was, "That was weird." Come on, I need some of my quizzo peeps to come support the Wheel, because I do think it's hilarious and I really think you will too. And the best part is, it's even more hilarious when it fails, because then it's just me and Chip up on stage acting like idiots. So it's a win-win situation. Your next chance will be next Monday night for the Monday night football game. A'ight, I'll be back to talk some Phils in the afternoon.

***Relax, mom, it's just a line from the movie.

To help get you fired up for tonight's movie, here's some Big Lebowski Fun Facts:
-The Dude never actually bowls in the movie.

-The Dude says "man" 144 times in the movie, an average of about 1.5 times per minute.

-Porn Star Asia Carrera co-stars with Bunny Lebowski in Log Jammin'.

-The character of Walter was partly based on John Milius, the writer/director of Conan the Barbarian (1982).

-Of all the different personalized bowling shirts Donny wears throughout the film, none of them bears his name.

-The Jellies sandals that Jeff Bridges wears in the movie were his own.

-Peter Stormare's character, Uli Kunkel, is seen ordering pancakes at a diner. This could be a reference to Fargo, in which his character anxiously wants to eat at a pancake house, but never gets to.

-Walter's eulogy to Donny concluded with the phrase "Good night, sweet prince". This is the same phrase Horatio used after the death of Hamlet in Shakespeare's Hamlet.

-A clip of Jeff Bridges saying "I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino..." was played on arena screens when former Philadelphia Wings player Tom Ryan, who sports ridiculously long dreadlocks and was affectionately known as the Dude, scored a goal or fought during a game.

-The F-bomb is dropped more in the Big Lebowski than in Goodfellas or Scarface.

-The license plate of Bunny's red convertible spells "LAPIN", which means rabbit in french.

-The movie is loosely based on the Raymond Chandler novel The Big Sleep.

Fun facts courtesy of imdb.com and wikipedia.

Vernon Dalhart is sometimes credited with having the first ever million selling record. What disaster did he sing about that drove those record sales and is still considered a classic?

OK, first off, this is NOT SAFE FOR WORK! This guy never stops cussing. But you must watch it when you get home, because it is absolutely unbelievable.

Here's some more info on the good Reverend X.

Yep, we're back at the Troc tonight, with one of the top 10 bowling films of all time! Tonight is your chance to see the Big Lebowski on the big screen. It is also your chance to see the most insane game show ever, the Wheel of Terrific. The action begins at the Trocadero (1003 Arch Street) at 7:30 p.m. Hope to see you there!

I was watching TV yesterday, and an extremely unusual ad came on, saying that Verizon was lobbying Harrisburg to only provide cable to rich people in Pennsylvania. "Now, this is really strange," I thought to myself, so I decided to go to the website that was shown on the commercial, keepitlocalpa.com. Sounds kind of grassroots, doesn't it? The website has a very quaint, non-corporate look to it. (It also has, I kid you not, a photo of an Amish buggy at the top of the page. Apparently Verizon is so cruel that they are going to refuse cable to the Amish!) Well, guess who's one of the "coalition members" of this little grassroots organization? I'll give you a hint. It's a company that currently has a total monopoly on an enormous service here in Philadelphia, and that I suspect would hate to have another cable provider offer prices cheaper than $45 a month. Something smells rotten in the state of Denmark.

The Kingdom won a close contest at the Bards on Thursday, as JGT made good on his promise of the week before, not letting a single team score 100 on Thursday. But the real story this week has been the play of the Houston Texans, who shored up that defense by taking Mario Williams over Reggie Bush in this years draft. The Texans held Mark Brunell to only 22 consecutive completions yesterday, and were able to hold the Redskins under 500 yards (495 yards). The game marked the third straight week that the Texans had held their opponents under 75 points.
Related: Did the NFL force the Texans to take Sam Bowie, uh, I mean Mario Williams over Reggie Bush so that the Saints will move to LA?

The Axis of Evil Knieval held off MAGMA at the Good Dog on Thursday, as quizzo's best rivalry continued.
Meanwhile, Bill Clinton took on Chris Wallace at FOXNews, and pretty much kicked his ass. Enjoy the transcript. Too bad most Democrats today are too scared and whiny to take on these mental midgets like Clinton does in this interview.
UPDATE: Here's the video of the interview, courtesy of crooks and liars via Blinq. It is awesome. I highly recommend it.

Satan's World won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, edging Inflatable Haggis in overtime. Haggis had it won, but on the question, "Who starred in the film Mode(r)n Times?" they had Charlie Chaplin (correct), but then at the last minute changed it to WC Fields. But it was the prize JGT gave for last place (below) that has the city in an uproar. It turns out that Malibu Barbie is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS, and Johnny suspects the lovely ladies who took it home as a prize have already succumbed to its toxicity. "There is nothing we can do for them now. It's best to just move forward and pretend like this never happened," said the quizmaster.

The Breakdance Fighters edged the Jams on Wednesday, but it was the mass media that was the star of he show, as they reported that bin Laden is not dead. Tommorrow, there are expected to be reports that Tony Blair is not dead, and on Tuesday they will let us know that Peter Forsberg isn't dead, either.

So I had a big day planned for today. Gym, pay bills, post winners from Quizzo on website. Big day, big day. Then Trivia Art was like, "Hey ya wanna go to Amada, they have a $12 lunch?" I was like, "Sure, $12 sounds great." Well, a couple of other friends joined us, and two pitchers of sangria and $150 later, it's 4:30 p.m., and I'm leaving for the ballgame in an hour and a half. There will be no bills paid, no gym, and no pics from quizzo. But if it's any consolation, I feel freaking great. Let's go Phils!

*We just saw that our good friend over at Blinq, Dan Rubin, thinks that Paris Hilton is a genius. In other news, we just lost all respect for one of our favorite bloggers.

*A couple of days ago, Philebrity broke the beatdown offered by Philly's finest in Old City. Am I the only one who hopes that police start beating down random clubgoers in Old City every weekend?

*Johnny ain't the only one reviewing local pizza.

*If you haven't already, read the lively debate about the casinos in the comments section under my Big Bopper interview.

*And finally, I got a text message on my cell phone last night, moments after asking Trivia Art for a favor. Apparently Trivia Art tried to send it to someone else, but accidentally sent it to me: "Just got a text from Goodtimes, 'Can you tivo Grey's Anatomy?' What a chick."

The Sofa Kingdom won a nailbiter at the Bards on Tuesday, then remarked that they found it strange that Johnny had a note inside his car on Thursday. "Yeah, I walked out to my car and saw a note on the drivers seat that read, "Please don't park here." The message on the note itself isn't so strange, but how did they get it into my car? The doors were locked and no windows were broken. Oh well, it'll take a lot more than that to scare me out of that cherry parking spot," said Goodtimes, who then sheepishly admitted that he moved the car a few minutes after finding the note.

*It's a YouTube video about, uh, You Tube that I found on Liz Spikol's blog. It is eerily compelling. She also has a couple of videos on her blog where she describes getting shock therapy to relieve her depression.

*Today is the date, in 1827, that Moroni gave Joseph Smith those golden plates that he turned into the Book of Mormon. This led, indirectly, to Johnny Goodtimes partying with Salt Lake City hipsters in a kiddie pool in August of this year.

*And happy birthday, Nicole Richie and Dave Coulier!

Dork Sided cruised to victory at O'Neals on Tuesday, then remarked at some of the phrases people have googled to end up on johnnygoodtimes.com. Phrases such as, "gayometer, men in speedos, lesbian oil wrestling, I guess the rain is down in Africa, orangutans catch birds, and heaviest lobster ever caught" have led people to the site. Said team member Fly Jackson, "Something tells me that none of those people left the site disappointed."

Just so we're all on the same page here, here is the Phillies schedule for the remainder of the season. The next four are home, followed by six on the road. We actually have a much better road record than home record, so six straight on the road isn't necessarily a bad thing. If we go 8-2, we're in the playoffs. 7-3 should put us either in the playoffs or in a one game playoff against the Dodgers or Padres. We play Florida three times at home (and don't have to face Dontrelle Willis!), then have a makeup game with Houston at home, where we will have to take on Clemens. Then we have three in Washington against the woeful Senators. And then, finally, three in Florida. The Marlins have kicked our ass in September to knock us out of the playoffs a couple of times, so I'm a little nervous. My goal is 7-3, which means 2-1 against the Fish, beat the Astros, 2-1 against the Senators and 2-1 against the Marlins. If we can't do that, we don't deserve to be in the playoffs.

Learned this from Herm last night at the Vous. Why do the A's have a white elephant as their mascot? This from their media guide: In 1901 Connie Mack and his Philadelphia Athletics helped form the American League. The following year, New York Giants Manager John McGraw dismissed the A's with contempt, calling them "The White Elephants," implying Mack shouldn't be allowed to spend money without supervision. Mack defiantly adopted the White Elephant as the team insignia, and in 1902, the A's won the American League pennant.

After receiving Larry's recent e-mail about his dad and the TV in the dark rumor, I responded to him thusly:
Your double life as underground lamp promoter has been exposed. You will have to answer the masses now, pal. hope you're ready for the inevitable backlash from people who hate lamps but who bought them anyway to protect their eyes at nighttime.

Larry fires back, after the jump.

Hey guys, it's been a while since we've done one of these, but I saw this article today and figured that this would be a good time to get involved in a growing problem in the city-homelessness. THerefore everybody who plays this week is asked to donate a dollar, (though you are welcome to offer more).

And I have found a really great charity to offer our money to. It's called the Philadelphia Committee to End Homelessness, and it is the only homelessness organization in Philadelphia that does not accept government funding. In speaking with the head of the organization, I was told that by not accepting government money, they can keep the program better suited to each individual rather get caught up in a giant bureaucracy. And this organization is not just concerned with giving away food. It is also concerned with helping to get people back on their feet. I hope to have an interview with the head of the organization tommorrow, so you can learn more about their work, but I think this is a great opportunity for us to give back to our community.

This man fought in the Battle of New Orleans, then moved to Galveston where he ran a pirating ring. After being expelled from Galveston by the Navy, he disappeared with immense amounts of treasure, which has never turned up. Who is he?

That's right, peeps, it's International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Therefore, any team that has at least one member dress up like a pirate (Tonight only!) will get three bonus points to start the game! Every week, there are at least two games decided by three points or less, so I would highly advise you to do this. Here are some helpful pirate terms to get you thru the day.

The first time Lindsay Doering played quizzo, he approached me and demanded that the Big Bopper was not aboard the plane on the day the music died. He and his team, the now infamous WTF, were wrong, but I appreciated his vim and vigor, and quickly tagged him with the nickname Bopper. Well, the Boppper has decided to test the political waters, and is running against Babette Josephs to be elected State Representative for the 182nd District, which covers much of Center City. It is not my disctrict (I miss it by one measly block) but if it were, Lindsay Doering would be the first Republican I ever voted for. Why? For a couple of reasons. First of all, he's a stand up guy who I would trust to do the right thing. Secondly, because his opponent, Babette Josephs, voted for the pay raise. And third, because he is opposing the dreadful casinos that threaten to harm our city. I recently interviewed Doering and asked him five quick questions.

Doering discusses casinos, pay raises, and Beavis and Butthead after the jump!

Hey, I have a couple of political things to post today. We'll start on the Democratic side. There is a Democratic fundraiser at the Khyber on Wednesday that will include readings from Buzz Bissinger, Jennifer Weiner, and Atrios, among others. The fundraiser starts at 7 p.m. on Wednesday and you can purchase tickets here, or get them at the door. All of the proceeds from the event will go to the campaign of Democratic congressional candidate Lois Murphy.

As you guys know, I did a road blog for Traffic.com back in July. What you don't know is that, shortly before leaving for my trip, I was asked to put together a rap about an upcoming contest they were having. Well, the contest just got underway, and there is my terrible, terrible, terrible rap on the main page. It is painful to watch, and the word coming from the streets is that my rap career from here on out should be about as succesful as Brian Austin Green's. Whatever, the point is that you people can win a free 7 day trip to the Dominican Republic by rapping or rhyming about traffic. Seriously. You people are so lucky I am ineligible, because otherwise I would make a most triumphant return to the rap game. The press release for the contest is after the jump.

A few days ago, I mentioned that a man with the name J. Robert Mendte from Philly had come up with the rumor that watching TV in the dark is bad for your eyes. Why would he propagate such a falsehood? Because he was a PR man for a lamp manufacturer. Well, the lies didn't stop with J. Robert. It seems that he had a son who wanted to further this myth by appearing on TV at night, and be talented enough that people would watch him, even if it meant buying a new lamp to prevent the room from getting dark at night and ruining their eyes! That son's name, of course, was Larry Mendte, who confirmed via email that J. Robert was his father. He ended his short email to me with this cryptic message: He also is responsible for the legend of the ghosts at the General Wayne Inn..... More on this as it develops.

Hey gang, I was able to get my hands on some video of the Eagles fourth quarter performance last night.

It was the first Eagles game I had ever seen at the Linc, and boy was I excited. The pageantry, the ability to see things that you couldn't see on TV, the intensity of the fans. On top of that, after the 3rd quarter, I turned to someone and said, "Man, we look like the '88 Forty Niners out there!" After three quarters, you would not have found a person wearing Eagle green who was not 100% convinced that we were going to the Super Bowl. Then, the meltdown. First, a strange forward fumble led to a touchdown. No big deal. Still a 10 point lead. Then, a Westbrook fumble. Another touchdown. It was as if God were testing a new vacuum, and had decided to see if he could suck the life out of 70,000 people at once. By the time Trent Cole kicked a guy, giving the Giants an easy field goal, it felt like we were at a funeral for a head of state. 70,000 people in a mournful silence. Overtime was nothing but a formality, and the zombies began filing out, muttering things about Andy Reid being fired and that this was worse than the Niner game. (The Eagles gave up 227 yards passing in the 4th quarter to Joe Montana in 1989 as the Niners came back to win.) It was worse than the Niner game. That was gainst Joe Freaking Montana. This was against Eli Manning. And hey, say what you will about the Oilers vs. the Bills in that playoff game. At least that meltdown happened on the road. This was a pathetic performance, and this team isn't going to the Super Bowl. After exhibiting that they have no heart, no discipline, and no character, they'll be lucky to make the playoffs.

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Thursday, 96-94, over that team that always changes its name. The team then sat by, listlessly, as Johnny discussed the pros and cons of Invincible, which he finally got around to seeing yesterday. Here's Johnny review.
It was a pretty decent movie. It took almost 20 minutes before I cried the first time, but I surprisingly didn't stay a blubbery mess throughout. It used basically every cliche in movie history, which kept it from going from good to great, but hey, that's Disney for you. One funny thing I noticed: As a special nod to the white citizens of South Philly, every black person in this film was a complete and total a******. Then again, if some old black janitor had given Marky Mark a speech about how to keep his head up when the going got tough, it would have been even more hokey and cliched. One ridiculous thing, they screwed up the Philly fight song. They said "Fight, Eagles, Fight, on the Road to Victory", instead of "Fly Eagles Fly". Anyone know why? I have no idea. And one technical screwup I noticed: At the end, the Eagles have 3rd and 10 on their own 5 yard line. The running back then gains nine yards. But on the next play (4th and 1), they have the ball on the 10 instead of the 14. All in all, I recommend it, but it's no Hoosiers.

This Team Goes Up to 11 won at the Good Dog on Thursday night, edging MAGMA 115-112, in a match Goodtimes called, "Way too easy." The third round (Famous first lijnes of novels) was somewhat tough, but after that, both teams sailed to perfect scores in Round Four. But the team that went up to 11 built a narrow lead after 3 rounds, and held on for the win. JGT was disappointed in the difficulty of the questions (2 other teams got nine right) and vowed that next week, "No one will score 100 at the Good Dog."

The Satan's Minions won on Wednesday, but their win was overshadowed by some investigating reporting by Philly's foremost reporter, Johnny Goodtimes, that uncovered something about Larry Mendte's dark past. "Yeah, I discovered that the rumor that watching TV in a dark room is bad for your eyes comes to us from a PR man for a lamp manufacturer named J. Robert Mendte, (2nd paragraph) who was from, you guessed it, Philadelphia," said Goodtimes. "Further research turns up that Larry is from nearby Lansdowne. And let's face it, there ain't but so many Mendte's in the area. So is it a member of the same Mendte family who sold us this pack of vicious lies so that we could spend more on his precious lamps? I don't know, but I just sent Larry an email, and hopefully we'll know something soon."

The Jams won at the Vous on Wednesday, then planned to celebrate that night with a huge spinach party. "I heard that spinach has like 10 times more Iron than other vegetables, so we are gonna load up," said team member Rob Kujo. "And if you ask me, there's only one way to buy your spinch-bagged. Mmmmmm, I love that bagged taste. Trust me, I'm gonna eat tons of this stuff tonight."

Garrett was the first person to correctly answer the trivia question (below). Nice work dude. I think I'll do this at random times each week, so stay tuned. I'll try to drum up some prizes next time.

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Tuesday, edging the Narkotizing Dysfunktion, 96-93. After the match, they discussed their disgust with sissies like Powell and McCain who are trying to derail a president who knows more about war than almost anyone. "I'm sick of pinko commies like Powell and McCain with little to no experience on the battlefield trying to tell a war hero like George W. Bush what to do," said Sofa Stallone. "You don't think Bush knows what he's doing? This is a guy who not only fought bravely over the skies of Houston during the Vietnam War but who also started what is widely considered one of the most succesful wars in the modern era. When people like Powell and McCain offer their opinions, they just aid the terrorists."

The days September 3rd-September 13th never happened in the United States in 1752. You'll find no records of marriages, births, or events. Why? (First one with correct answer gets their photo on the website.)

Who are the hottest teams in quizzo right now? The Jams? Nope. The Kingdom? Nope. The Minions? Nope. It's the Young, the Old, and the Restless over at O'Neals, who won on Tuesday for the third straight week, and MAGMA, who will be gunning for four straight tonight. In case you were wondering if you had seen the above pic before, a couple of weeks ago, you hadn't. That's just your mind playing tricks on you. I didn't forget to get the winners photos this week, that's for sure.

Hey guys, this is gonna be awesome. On October 2nd, we're gonna show the Eagles-Packers game on the enormous screen at the Trocadero, with stereo surround sound. This is gonna be unbelievable. Of course, we will also be engaging in the frivolity of Wheel of Terrific beforehand (on the big stage), and are trying to come up with ways to make this the greatest football promotion ever. What do you guys think? What ideas can you think of to help make this the best Monday night game ever? (Yes, I did use the word awesome twice.)

Hey, I got this press release that look like it was fun enough to pass along. Plus I know how you people like to eat. It's an ice cream eating contest, and the winner gets a trip to Tampa to see the Eagles take on the Buccaneers. More details after the jump.

Yo, I'm off to espagnol. Be back this afternoon. Hopefully gonna have a new contest soon. I'll keep ya updated. In the meantime, let me know what you think about this. Pluto just got a new name: 134340. This is b******! Screw the International Astronomical Union! Liars! And you people wonder why I hate science.

P.S.: If you people had signed my petition, none of this would have happened.

Then I suggest you stab the starter in the leg. It shows the coach how bad you want it.

Man, I'm telling you guys, you gotta make it out to Movie Monday. This past Monday, the movie was Office Space (thus the flair on bartender Marianne, above). We also had our most explosive Wheel of Terrific yet, as one lucky player got to smash a printer with a baseball bat while the song "Die Mother****** Die" played in the background. You just can't put a price tag on that type of entertainment. Actually, we got bumped for Preston and Steve this Monday (Roadhouse), but we'll be back on the 25th with the Big Lebowski.

First off, Nike is coming out with a new Pee Wee Herman shoe. I am not kidding. It is grey with a red lip, and has a picture of Pee Wee sitting in a movie theatre on the inside. Furthermore, this is apparently not a joke. Thanks to Dawn for letting me know about this. Next up, Philly got absolutely fileted by comedian Bill Burr on Saturday night. I mean, we're talking so unsafe for work that you will be immediately fired and have your house confiscated within 12 seconds of pushing play. I'm sending you to D-Mac's site to see it so that my mom can't say that I had this vitriolic diatribe on my own site. I mean, it is scathing! Apparently, comedy legend Dom Irrera got booed and left the stage early. Well, Bill Burr is a friend of Dom Irrera, and he ripped the crowd to pieces, calling the city racist, incredibly stupid and says that terrorists will never attack our city because it is so worthless. Well, those were the nicer things he said. For the nastier stuff, checkout the video. My favorite part? F***** Rocky is your f***** hero. The whole pride of your city is built around a guy who doesn't f***** exist. F***** Joe Frazier is from there, but he's black, so you can't f***** use him. So you make a statue for a f***** three foot tall Italian you stupid f***** cheese eatin' f***** jackasses.

Unquestionably the best team name I got last week was "The number of men I've had sex with is..." (See, the joke is that I followed the team name with their score, meaning that by the end of the game I had had sex with like 70 men.) Let's see if anybody can top that this week.

(Btw, the pic above is of The Kid, my roommate on wedding weekend. He is not one of the 70 men I've had sex with, but he's a great spooner.)

There is a pretty spooky documentary video out that points out a lot of strange inconsistencies about 9/11. It's a long video, but pretty well done. There are a lot of conspiracy theorists out there, and over 1/3 of Americans believe that the American government had something to do with the attacks. Popular Mechanics does a really good job of refuting a lot of these conspiracies, however. As for me, I'm a born skeptic, and I think that George Bush and Dick Cheney are very bad people, but I don't think that they are so diabolical as to kill 3,000 Americans so that they could start a war in Iraq. I'm not 100% convinced that they weren't complicit, but I think that our failure to prevent the attacks had a lot more to do with incompetence than evil. Besides, I think this administration is way too stupid to concoct and pull off a far reaching conspiracy. I mean, we see what a total disaster Iraq is. Do we really think this administration could pull off a masterful snow job like 9/11? Please.

Of course, this isn't the first time a president has been accused of killing Americans to enter a war. Many people think that FDR provoked the Japanese until they had no choice to attack Pearl Harbor, then sat back and let it happen.

The wedding was a blast, and I hope you guys have fun in Aruba!

One of the funniest films of the last ten years will be airing tonight at the Trocadero (1003 Arch Street). Office Space is one of the few films that has lived up to the hype the last few years, and tonight is gonna be a blast! Ginger, Chip Chantry, and I will hosting the Wheel of Terrific at 7:30 p.m. Whoever wears the most flair gets a free beer.

In what 1992 film would you have found Corey Haim, Corey Fedman, and Nicole Eggert?

That team that always changes it's name (last week they were Flesh Tuxedo) won at the Bards on Thursday, and I don't feel like finding out what their name is. My life coach is here, trying to get me organized, and I'm not going to kick him out of my office so that I can go searching for their freaking team name. In other news, I have a life coach who's trying to get me organized.

MAGMA won at the Good Dog on Thursday, then decided that they would celebrate at Chuck E. Cheese's in Warrington. "There we were, enjoying a game of "Racin' USA" when I thought I saw Corey Feldman," said team member Atomic Age Zombie. "I was like, 'No way', no star that big would be here in little ol' Warrington. So I figured it wan't him. Then I read this." Teammate Smooth Rob P. wasn't impressed. "Now if Corey Haim had been at Chuck E. Cheese, I would have wet my pants. But Corey Feldman? Whatever."

The two most terrifying teams at Black Sheep quizzo joined forces on Wednesday, with predictable results. But they remained concerned about Johnny's fragile little ego, which took a beating last week. Fortunately, they need not worry, as Johnny is expected to be back to his unbearably obnoxious and pompous self this week. "There was only one thing breaking me out of my funk, and that was a Ukranian woman telling me that I was cute." After making the remark, the girl, who was working at the hotel restaurant, then had to endure Johnny hitting on her for the next hour, until her supervisor finally made him go away.

The Breakdance Fighters won for the 2nd straight week at the 'Vous, becoming the first team all year other than the Jams to win two straight weeks. Also, the guy 2nd from left looks like he is wearing a funny orange hat. In other news, Johnny Goodtimes attended a wedding in Jersey over the weekend. Hurt by the prospect that the day seemed to be all about the bride and groom and not about him, he decided to hog the spotlight by pulling out his best karaoke song at the reception-Flashdance. Johnny's stirring rendition of the Irene Cara masterpiece was a big hit, and Johnny's ego was massaged, though not as much as it would be a little later that night...

Dysfunktion won at the Bards last Tuesday night and they got a gift certificate. It was great.

(Critics have not been amused by Johnny's antics. "This is just sad," said Spanky Twizzler. "It's bad enough he put stamps on the pics and said he was mailing it in. But what's really pathetic is that he put said stamps in the wrong corner.")

Yeah, the Young the Old and the Restless won at O'Neals blah blah blah whatever.

A'ight, so I gotta hit the gym, then I got an apointment, then I head out to Jersey, where I'm going to try to find a girl with a sweat suit and enormous hair to be my wedding date. It wouldn't be my first Jersey girl. I dated one a couple of years ago. Favorite memory? Walking into a coffee shop, then hearing her bellow, "Yo, you'se guys is outta coffee ova heya!" to which I responed, "What are you, Rocky?" She also wore sweat suits. Seriously. It was awesome. Anyways, I am gonna try to post a bit of stuff this afternoon from my hotel. I'm hoping to have an interview with a member of the local roller derby league up this afternoon, so check back then. Their championship game is on Sunday, and should be worth checking out.

I am grumpy today. Super Grumpy. Grump up the Volume type grumpy. I want to do the Grumpty Grump type grumpy. To try to ward off the grumps, I headed to John's Roast Pork, where I went once before and had the sandwich the place is named after. Word on the street is they have a pretty damn good cheesteak, and this felt like a cheesesteak eatin' day. (The Mac Dad'll make you grump, grump. Just thought of that one. Sorry.) Well, I got one and it was, well, OK. The bread was great, the thing was gooey, but I dunno. Maybe my heart wasn't in it, maybe trying to locate my oomph in a cheesesteak was a bit too tall of an order. But I just felt like it didn't have that extra intangible that I find at Jim's. (Forrest Grump.) Don't get me wrong, I'll be back at John's in the near future. But I'll be returning to the roast pork, which is easily of the best sandwiches I've ever had in the city.
Related: Pic courtesy of hollyeats, a great food website that loves this place.

Heading to the Jersey Shore this weekend for the wedding of Brian and Meghan. You may remember them. They were the couple that got engaged at quizzo last year, in one of the more creative proposals I've ever seen. Of course, I've only seen two proposals. One was when I was at a 30th birthday dinner at Astral Plane with the girl I was dating at the time. The guy next to me dropped to a knee and proposed to his girl. (They were European. The girl was smoking hot, and the guy looked like a dweeb. What's the deal with hot European girls liking dweebs? They always do.) She started crying and everything, and me and my date, who were destined to break up like a week later, just sat there and felt weird. Ah, good times. Good times.

So I was flexing my masculinity in the comments section, blasting EE for suggesting that ballet dancers are great athletes. Then I came across this report. Oh. Uh, there are some, uh, glaring inconsistencies in that report. Whatever. Ballet would be a lot cooler if they had 260 pound linebackers hitting them from the blind side. Then I would totally watch.

A recent article written by Gene Wojciechowski proclaimed Tiger Woods as the greatest athlete ever, and caused a heated debate between two good friends of mine and I at the Bards last night. Because while I wold consider Woods one of the greatest competitors of all time, to call him the greatest athlete of all time is fallacy. There is simply no way a golfer is an athlete. The one guy claimed that a golfer can be an athlete, since he uses bodily exertion to compete, and that the only difference between him and a basketball player is that a basketball player burns more calories. The other guy, who was on my side in this argument, said, "Does Minnesota Fats count as one of the greatest athletes of all time? I mean, he used his body to compete, and he crushed the competition." Of course he's not, and neither is Tiger Woods My friend who was supporting the Tiger Woods argument, then said, "What defines an athlete?" That's a tough question. The best I could do was, "Someone who goes faster, stronger, and higher, or at least two of the three." So what do you guys think? What is an athlete, and can a golfer be one? Also, be sure to vote in the new poll on the right. (I hate to say it, but I think Jordan is the greatest athlete of all time.)

Apparently everybody is having a pretty good time at the expense of the Crocodile Hunter. According to D-Mac, his name made for good fodder at New Deck Quizzo last night. (New Deck: The only acceptable quizzo). And I got an an email from Obit master Andy Nolan with the following headline: Great Barrier Grief! The email continued thusly: Australian naturalist Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray barb through the heart while filming a new documentary on Monday. The documentary is tentatively titled "The Barb Thruheart Show". Irwin is to be buried in a croc pot... six feet down under. Brilliant.

Not to be a party pooper but I think, amist the laughter, we should also honor the Croc Hunter. (Oh no, am I turning into a voice of compassion and reason? Nooooooo.) I loved a quote I heard yesterday: "He made people love the ugly animals too." I got a little choked up at that. I'm a sucker for animals, even ugly ones (you should see my sister's dog), and I appreciated what a conservationist and showman Steve Irwin was. So here's to you, Steve, and to a life that appeared to be full of adventure, compassion, and enthusiasm. May we all be so lucky.
Related: Obit Master Andy Nolan.

It was a cold and dark night outside, but inside the Fels Planetarium at the Franklin Institute the stars were shining bright and the Simpsons fanatics were ready to test their skills. Johnny stayed true to his word, and threw off some people with a round about famous people named Homer, Lisa, Bart, Marge, and Maggie. But his favorite round was definitely his second one. In honor of one of my (yeah, I'm back to the first person) favorite funnymen of all time, Phil Hartman, the 50-50 round was Ed Wood movie or Troy McClure movie. Answers are after the jump.

1. The Erotic Advenutes of Hercules
2. One Million ACDC
3. The Night the Banshee Died
4. Glen or Glenda
5. Plan 9 From Outer SPace
6. Hitler Doesn't Live Here Anymore
7. The Verdict Was Mail Fraud
8. The Revenge of Abe Lincoln
9. Necromania: A Tale of Weird Love
10. David Versus Super Goliath

It's only right that we honor the Crocodile Hunter this week. What was the name of the film that the Crocodile Hunter starred in?

So I'm talking to my mom last night, and she says, "I signed your Pluto thing," which was sweet, because she was one of like three people who signed it (other than the boob who wrote "Gregory Goodtimes, Norbert Nicetimes, Albert Awesometimes, etc."). Then she said, "This is so stupid. You know what this is? This is just a ploy to sell more science textbooks." But of course! It makes perfect sense. If they take Pluto out of the solar system, every single science textbook in America will need to be replaced, at a cost of billions of dollars (total, not each). And how many dollars does Pluto pump into our economy? Zero. So there you have it. Mrs. Goodtimes has exposed the dark underbelly of this Machivallian plot*!

*I have no idea what that means, but it sounds really kool.

A team calling itself Flesh Tuxedo won at a loud, raucous Bards on Thursday night. The team name, of course, comes from one of the most brilliant lyrics in rock history: My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo.
I love to sink her with my pink torpedo. With that in mind, I give you the epic Spinal Tap interview. I think we might have to show this movie on a movie Monday.

MAGMA held off the Axis this week at the Dawg, but it was an unlikely pairing of quizzo legends that hogged the media spotlight. Darth Ern and Palestra Jon teamed up to form what should have been a formidable team, but they emerged with only a Noah's Ark finger puppet book, due to a devastating last place finish. You can expect their laundry list of reasons why they did so poorly (sat too close to kitchen, poor lighting, etc.) to be in the comments section within the next 10-15 minutes.

Camp Get-A-Long kept Wacky Wednesday alive with an impressive win, but after the game, everyone seemed most concerned with the health of Duane's World. DW had a near perfect 62 heading into Round Four, then suffered one of the most spectacular crash and burns in quizzo history, scoring only 10 points in the final round (and that includes the question of the week). Several members of the team suffered minor burns in the twisted, burning wreck (below), but they are expected to be OK.

The JAMS had been an unstoppable force the past few weeks, not just winning, but winning big. But the Breakdance Fighters took a four point lead after two rounds and then held on for a 101-97 win. The team then celebrated by performing some totally sweet breakdancing moves.

It was interesting that Rumsfeld mentioned the Nazis so prominently in his recent speech, because he is obviously a student of their political philosophy:

Naturally the common people don't want war; neither in Russia, nor in England, nor in America, nor in Germany. That is understood. But after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. ...Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country -Herman Goring, 2nd in Command, 3rd Reich
RELATED: Rumsfeld gets bitch slapped by Keith Olbermann.

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Tuesday, but Johnny wasn't impressed. "Yeah, these guys won at Science quizzo at the Planetarium back in February," said an angry Goodtimes. "At the PLANETARIUM. As in Planets! And they can't even take the time to sign my petition to help save a freaking planet? Frauds! Turncoats! Bums!"
RELATED: What the F***? Are you people too f***** kool to sign my f****** petition? Well, then enjoy your 8 planet universe, you losers!

The Young, the Old, and the Restless won at O'Neals won for the first time since early June, but the real story was Johnny Goodtimes heroism. After screaming his head off at the Wheel of Terrific, JGT woke up with no voice on Tuesday (rumors that he had the voice knocked out of his mouth by the roller derby girls he flirted with on Monday were determined to be untrue "unfortunately" said Times). But he drank lots of ginger tea and got in the steam room at the gym, and was able to courageously make it through. Sadly, it's been reported that the roller derby girls took no notice of his bravery.