June 2006 Archives

QuizzoMan will not be rapping at tonight's quizzo. "Quizzoman is a superhero, not some sort of pop star," said his manager Colonel Tom Barker. "Therefore he will not be engaging in any sort of rap." Local Quizmaster Johnny Goodtimes had been hoping to rap at tonight's contest, but he was fired after the cartoon quizzo and will therefore not be attending tonight's event. Oh yeah, and about that big announcement. That's gonna come Monday. Johny didn't realize how much help QuizzoMan needed to get ready for this event.

The Great Pizza Hunt continues to limp along, as Johnny finally grabbed some more pizza. Geez, about time. Anyway, he went with Eric B. of the Axis of Evil Knieval to Pazzo's (41 South 19th Street, just north of Walnut). It's a pretty nice place, a little more upscale than your typical pizza joint, and it has a full bar. More importantly, it has a jukebox. The jukebox was OK, lots of classic rock standards, could use a little more soul and hip hop, if you ask me. The pizza was extremely good. We got a sausage and pepper pizza. The sauce was excellent, but they didn't give us nearly enough of it. They should double up on the tasty sauce. The service was kind of blah. Here was Eric B.'s take:

OK, so I had a misprint earlier. The Superman IMAX shows at 6:45 p.m., not 7:30 p.m., as I had previously posted. The quizzo will still be starting at 10 p.m. I'm gonna have a long day, trying to help QuizzoMan prepare, so I'll try to post a few things at some point today, including my BIG ANNOUNCEMENT (Earlier tonight a team asked me if the big announcement was that I was getting married, to which I responded, "No, the big announcement is that I got a 2nd date." Just kidding, of course. I still haven't gotten a 2nd date.)

Chris R. crushed Darth Ern in their highly anticipated mano a mano quizzo duello at the Vous on Wednesday night, and Darth Ern had to chip in $50 to the Nationalities Services Center. More importantly, the Ernettes, a national legion of female Ern fans, were devastated by the loss, and are really quite unsure where to turn. "We don't know what to do, but hari kari isn't out of the question."

The Flushable Softwipes ended the Sofa Kingdom's 5 match reign with an impressive 111 point performance at a ridiculously crowded Bards on Tuesday. That night's quizzo was one clown short of a circus, at least according to Death, Exciting and New, a team that had never played JGT quizzo before. According to eyewitnesses, this team whined the entire match about the lack of Joker rounds, and were absolutely appalled by the presence of music between rounds, calling it a "cheap gimmick". They also repeatedly referred to the Quizmaster as Johnny Douchetimes on several occasions. Rumor has it that Johnny likes the name ("Yeah, it's a tad insulting, but you have to admit, it's kind of catchy," said Goodtimes), and is currently checking the availability of johnnydouchetimes.com.

Emotional Blowjob won at a packed house at O'Neals on Tuesday, but after the match quizmaster Johnny G. was just worried about the peopleof Manayunk. "Man, oh, man, they are in the midst of a major flood, (That's the Manayunk Brew Pub, below) and I don't think Abercrombie and Fitch even makes a bathing suit. How are the Manayunkers supposed to deal with those Bad Flood Blues? My suggestion: Throw on your favorite tube top, crank up the Dave Matthews, make an extra appointment at Hollywood Tans, and start drinking those Red Bull and vodkas!"

I'm not really sure why I'm even promoting this (after all, I'm going to be out of town on Friday), but I guess I should let you know that QuizzoMan is going to be hosting a superhero quizzo on friday at the Franklin Institute, starting at 10 p.m. There will be a showing of the movie Superman at 6:45 p.m.at the IMAX, and QuizzoMan will get the party started shortly after the conclusion of the film. Admission to the quizzo is free, admission to the movie is $11. You do not have to go to the movie to play quizzo (although Superman on IMAX sounds kind of kool.) The quizzo will be about Superheroes, running the gamut from comics to cartoons to movies to sports players nicknames. And yes, they will be serving alcohol! QuizzoMan would have written his own press release, but he's too busy fighting crime and poorly worded trivia questions.

In life, there always seems to be a small wrinkle that make our fantasies not quite as exciting when they reach reality. Such was the case this past weekend, as I was lucky enough to see a hot lesbian oil wrestle on an inner tube...yet unlucky enough to see her oil wrestling my sister. In other words, my brother-in-law's fantasy came entirely true, while mine came in at about 50%. I mean, my sister is cute and all, but I really didn't need to see her oil wrestling. In case you were wondering, the fight was pretty intense, and there was a lot of controversy surrounding who won.

Hey peeps, I got Spanish class, but I'll be back this afternoon with some more info on friday night's event, which wil be hosted by QuizzoMan. And I'll have mroe details on lesbian oil wrestling, though I only got one photo. So check back then. In the meantime, read these H. Ross Perot quotes I posted last year on his birthday (he turned 76 yesterday).

After months of smack talk, Chris R and Darth Ern have decided to settle this like men...with a little quizzo duello. That's right, in the midst of tonight's regular quizzo at the Vous, they will be settling a score on their own. The koolest part is, the rivalry is all going to a good cause. The loser has to give up $50 to the Nationalities Service Center, a school dedicated to teaching the English language to immigrants (It seems to have a higher success rate than the "This is America...Speak English" signs). Chris R encouraged Joe Vento to help out with the school about a month ago, but has yet to hear back from him. Of course, most importantly, bragging rights will be on the line.

Now, I have to admit, I don't know a ton about superheros and supervillains. That's probably part of the reason why, instead of hiring me, the science museum has elected to hire QuizzoMan. But I do have a few favorites. I am particularly fond of the Brown Hornet and the Riddler, especially when the Riddler was on the Batman show in the 1960s. That Riddler was awesome. Who is your favorite Superhero or Supervillain?

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Thursday, sending a message with their 5th straight win. They then claimed that this Axl Rose debacle was all a media creation. Said Sweeney McSweeney, ""Nothing but another example of the left wing media trying to make Axl look bad. If he's found guilty of a crime, it will be because of activist judges. And I wouldn't be surprised if feminazis are ultimately behind this fraud. Yeah, I said fraud. The fact is, Axl has a wonderful disposition, and would never bite security guard. Axl is a lover, not a biter. The legendary 80s rocker has got to be furious about this. He might want to indulge in recreational drugs and loose women to take the edge off."

We're going to MIss Gabriela's Gigantic Porn Moustache won at the Good Dog last Thursday, then claimed that the whole Limbaugh Viagra debacle was "Nothing but another example of the left wing media trying to make Rush look bad." Said Enlightened Eyes of the Porn Moustache, "That Viagra was planted in his bag by the Hollywood Elite, and if he's found guilty of a crime, it will be because of activist judges. And I wouldn't be surprised if feminazis are ultimately behind this fraud. Yeah, I said fraud. The fact is, Rush has a wonderful hard on, which he is able to attain withouth the use of any sort of supplement. He is full of vim and vigor, not viagra. I'm sure that the spokesman for the right wing has got to be furious about this. He might want to pop some painkillers to take the edge off."

Who once said, "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

The lovely Ginger, Philadelphia's official beer lass, will be hosting the wild card round tonight at quizzo at O'Neals and the Bards. She'll also be annoying, uh, I mean, fascinating you with various beer facts thoughout the night, and yes, there is a decent chance the wild card round will have to do with beer.
Related: Join Ginger (aka Suz) on MySpace.
Related: Ginger and Johnny do Camden.

Aw man, it's one of those days where I have so much to do that I'm paralyzed by the reality of it all. Plus I gotta watch this Brazil game. Ahhhhhhhhh! Why am I wasting time writing this? I've got some amazing, incredible news to pass along soon. Lemme get caught up w/ everything else and then I'll hit you with that news manana. And remember to keep your calendars open for Friday. I think this Quizzoman thing could be interesting. Or a complete disaster. Either way, it'll be worth checking out.

Well, I'm having car problems in Virginia. So you'll have to wait until tommorrow to read about the hot lesbian oil wrestling that took place on the beach on Saturday. Yeah, I'm serious. But it had it's good side and it's bad side. I've got a remarkably uneven sunburn that looks and feels great. And I've got it on good authority that the local Commonwealth's Attorney has begun watching soccer on univision after reading about how great it was on this website. See, we are making a difference! So anyways, I'm getting the car looked at and will be rolling into the city tonight, so I'll holla atcha manana.
Time Machine: Two years ago, Johnny listens to satanic music and has an absolutely reprehensible haircut.

Alright, peoples, I'm heading home to Virginia (not to be confused with West Virginia) for the weekend, but got a few comments to make before I leave. First of all, got a lot of weird comments when I posted a photo of a girl with big boobs on the site the other day. It started withan angry rant that I was completely convinced was from my ex-girlfriend, but then turned out to be from some dude (The comments were posted under the Fado Philly Style Mag story, not the big boob story.) Anyways, to let you ladies who check the site know that I haven't forgotten about you, I'm leaving this week with a photo of Brad Pitt.

Secondly, there is apparently some sort of big free quizzo event at the Franklin Institute next friday. I don't know many details, b/c after the cartoon fiasco, I wasn't invited back. Instead, they hired a guy I've never heard of. His name is QuizzoMan, and he supposedly has super trivia powers and wears really tight tights and a mask. If I hear anything else about it, I'll post something about it next week.

Also, I wanna thank everybody for posting so many comments on the site lately (although some of them have been really strange.) The website is always more fun when it's interactive. Sorry to the teams who won on Thursday, but I'll try to post your stories this weekend when I get home. If not, they'll go up Monday. Finally, if you haven't read the heartwarming tale of my RPS victory, I ask you to please read it now. It may inspire you to do great things yourself someday.

The Satan's Minions continued their hot streak at the Black Sheep this week, winning for the 4th straight time. They then prepared for the upcoming monsoon, buying duct tape, salt, and batteries. But as they waited for this epic storm, they bitched about the last one. "Yeah, what the hell was Noah thinking, bringing mosquitoes on the ark but forgetting unicorns?" asked Matt Minion. "Seriously, that is pathetic. Unicorns are so mystical, so magical, that to leave without them on board is, to me, tantamount to murder."
Related: Unicorns Rock!

The Jams won again at the Vous on Wednesday night, and success has so gone to their heads that only Barb agreed to be photographed without being compensated financially. But heading into next week's match, the lead story will not be about the Jams dominance, but about the mano a mano competion taking place between Darth Ern and Chris R of MAGMA. If Darth Ern agrees to it, the two men will each form a one man team, and whoever scores higher wins the bet. If Darth Ern scores higher, Chris R has to order a cheesesteak from Geno's in Spanish. If Chris wins, Darth has to order lunch at La Lupe in Spanish. To be perfectly honest, I think these guys are very evenly matched, and I would predict a very close contest, decided by only a few points. This could be a lot of fun.
Related: The seed is planted for a showdown.

The Sofa Kingdom won Tuesday night at the Bards, but the win didn't lift their spirits after what they thought was an absolute outrage perpetrated by the readers of Philly Style Magazine. "This is ridiculous!" screamed Koob Spritzer. "Everybody knows that the New Deck has the only acceptable quizzo. I mean, what are these people thinking? Goodtimes? Oh, I dunno. He's like the 5th best. But New Deck?" Koob kissed his fingers. "C'est magnifique!"
Related: Sofa Kingdom struggles to win at 2nd rate quizzo
Related: Sofa Kingdom resolves to play less 2nd rate quizzo in 2006

The Harsh Texters were wallowing in last place after two rounds of quizzo on Tuesday, but stormed back to pull off a shocking 91-89 victory over the Young, the Old, and the Incontinent by answering 18 of the final 20 questions correctly. O'Neals is unquestionably the home of the most unpredictable quizzo, as there have been six different winning teams in the last six weeks.

Yo peeps, heading out to watch USA soccer match. I may be a left wing pinko commie, but believe it not, I'll still be pulling for Ol' Glory. I'd love to see us advance. Holla atcha this afternoon.

The people of Philadelphia voted, and the best quizzo in town belongs to...Fado. In fact, Johnny did not even make the top four. This was in a vote taken by Philadelphia Style magazine. The following is taken from Philly Style Mag:
Best Of STYLE | Best Quizo | Fadó
Irish Pub & Restaurant Quizo is close to TiVo on the scale of modern addictions. This pub trivia phenomenon actually originated in our fair city, imported from Ireland by Fergie of Fergie's Pub. But the Irish-themed pub chain Fadó was voted your favorite place to play the game this year. Bartender Regon MacInnis suggests beefing up on
VH1's Best Week Ever to have a shot at competing against the handful of teams Fadó attracts on Wednesday nights. The fun and games begin at 9 p.m., and the prize is a $40 bar tab. FadoIrishPub.com, 215-893-9700.
Runners Up:
Fergie's Pub, Fergies.com, 215-928-8118;
New Deck Tavern, NewDeckTavern.com, 215-386-4600;
Roosevelts Pub, 215-569-8879

Damn, yo. I was the staff pick for best quizzo, but this one still kind of stings. Oh well, those guys might host a better quizzo, but I'll be damned if they can beat me at rock paper scissors! (Oh, and in case you were wondering what the readers of Philly Style Mag think the best coffee shop is, it's Starbucks. Seriously. Bitter? Me? Noooooo.)

Yo, peeps, gotta roll to Spanish class. But here's a few fun things to look at while I'm gone. First off, my man D-Mac found perhaps the creepiest usage of Ben Franklin's image ever. That's right, Ben Franklin is using his popularity among teenage females to stop teen pregnancy. Secondly, the good people at Philebrity think that hipsters are getting a bad name, and they are pissed. Which is kind of weird, because I didn't think hipsters had the energy to be anything other than ironic and mildly annoyed. Angry hipsters are funny. The comment under a recent write up on foobooz is pretty great. Trivia Art writes that the Bike Race weekend is the only time it's kool to be in Manayunk (which is wrong. Manayunk sucks even during the bike race). As if to prove why Manayunk sucks, some knucklehead writes an angry diatribe in the comments section about how kool Manayunk is, and how he'll tell Art the great deals going on in Manyunk, but that he's not gonna give 'em to Art unless he hires him. Yeah, Bub, Trivia Art is gonna hire you to tell him about the kool deals in Manayunk right after he adds a "Best Upcoming Frat Parties" section to his site.

I remember, as a kid, thinking that the Dallas theme song was really cool. I wasn't allowed to watch the show, but my parents let me watch the opening credits. I also really like the theme song for Wonder Years, which was a cover of "Get By WIth a Little Help From My Friends". But I gotta go with the theme from Good Times. It's just such a soulful 70s sound that goes so well with the show, and a certain optimism in the face of trying times that I kind of like. The theme from Mr. Belvedere is my second favorite. Seriously. That is the JAM. "Streaks on the china...never mattered before...who cares?" What's your favorite?

This rapper from Philly, who is considered a pioneer in gangster rap and who recorded the theme song for Aqua Teen Hunger Force, celebrates his 40th birthday this week.

The USA-Italy match was awesome, marred only by absolutely dreadful officiating. Well, after the match, it was discovered that the referee, who had kicked two American players out of the game, had been kicked off the 2002 World Cup for "irregularities". It makes it even more interesting that the team we were playing, Italy, is currently in the midst of a major game fixing scandal. One of the charges? The manipulation of referee assignments. Wow, how interesting it is that a team being investigated for manipulating ref assignments just happens to get a ref with a crooked past who tries to hand them the game on Saturday.

Oh, and WTFer Matt Eison is in Germany for the World Cup. Here is his latest report:

Just tune your television into Univision the entire time the World Cup is on. Don't ask me any questions or talk back. Just do it. The action between games is absolutely mind blowing. Even Joe Vento himself cannot argue with the quality of Spanish television. (OK, so of course as soon as I posted this they actually started talking about soccer, but be sure to tune in manana! The between game action is an endless procession of sexy Brazilian women dancing while dudes bang on drums and scream. It is awesome.)

Buster Douglas over Mike Tyson. 'Nova over Georgetown. The Miracle on Ice. Most arguments about the greatest upsets in the history of sports center around these seminal events. But barber shop debates are a little livelier this Monday morning, as a new contender for "Greatest Upset Ever" has emerged: Johnny Goodtimes, a lowly 66 seed, knocked off the top three seeds in succession to walk away as the champion of the Pabst Blue Ribbon Philadelphia Rock Paper Scissors City League Championship Series (or PBRPRPSCLCS for short). The champ, who earned $1000 for his expertise and skill, explained his inspiring win. "It was an almost religious experience, where my mind wasn't leading my body, but my body was leading my mind. I was in a state of zen, where everything I did seemed pre-ordained, and where I simply followed my destiny to the summit of my awesomeness."

THe Sofa Kingdom won on Thursday, their second win of the week (and Swanson yet again has an eerie red glow in his eyes). But the team was unanimous in thinking that Johnny's attempt to "show the world that quizmasters are sexy, sexy people" was a complete and utter disaster. "That's not sexy," said Nate Cockbloxen. "That's just sad."

After a prolonged slump, MAGMA got it's mojo back Thrsday night in a big way, blowing out the field with 110 points. The big board in Vegas took notice, and wagering began at 5-8 that the renowned trash talkers would soon be running wild on the comment section, meaning that you had to bet eight bucks just to win five. "This is as close to a lock as you can get," said "Lucky" Armadillo Slim, head bookmaker at Lucky Slims Casino.
Update: Vegas pulled the odds of the table. "Not a single person bet that these wise guys won't be talking trash," said Lucky.

The Satan's Minions won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, in a strange quizzo which saw a lot of players dressed as empty chairs in the usually packed Black Sheep. "Well, I haven't jumped the shark, that's for sure," said a clearly shaken Goodtimes. "It was the weather. I mean it started raining right before 8 p.m." Johnny shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "Players at the Black Sheep aren't sick of me, that's for sure." There was a long, awkwad silence. "It was, uh, it was the weather." Johnny coughed. "Absolutely."

The Jams won at the Rendezvous Wednesday night, but the spotlight was stolen by a mildly crazy woman who sat beside me with a white teddy bear that she had dancing regularly throughout the game. She also said, "Ooh, that one's right on the tip of my tongue" after every question I asked. She never stopped talking, and I couldn't understand most of what she said b/c she mumbled. But then, at the end of her sentences, she would break down laughing, and she had one of those wonderful, throaty laughs, that you just can't help joining in on. So the majority of my night was listening to mumbling, watching a dancing white teddy bear, and laughing my head off for no apparent reason. Good times. Good times.

Three teams scored 100 or higher at the Bards on Tuesday night, but it was the Sofa Kingdom who came out on top. However, not a single team could Name that artist on the song "Bustin' out", causing Johnny to groan, "It's a sad day when not a single team can get a Rick James question correct. Come on, white people. Step it up."

The Pen 15 Club Won at O'Neals on Tuesday, then after game, Palestra Jon said that he was worried about the Angolan soccer team. "Well, they have to play the Mexicans today," said Jon. "And according to one of our most respected business owners, the Mexicans play in the same water and spread disease. I just hope that the Angolans don't catch any of these 'super-viruses' being carried by the water-playing Mexicans."
Related: Really, Joe Vento is a 9th grade dropout? Wow, but he sounds so intelligent.

Man, this match between the Netherlands and the Ivory Coast is awesome. The Netherlands leads 2-1 after one half first half. A fight almost broke out when a member of the Ivory Coast barely touched the goalie. The Dutch are such whiners. Seriously. They bail to the ground and hold their ankles every tie a member of the opposite team comes within five feet of them. It's pathetic, and the refs even yellow carded one of them for it. Of course, I'm rooting for the Ivory Coast. The country is in the midst of a civil war (though the violence has died down a bit in recent years, and there has supposedly been a cease-fire since the team qualified or the World Cup) and the team had to spend a week in prison after a poor showing in the 2002 Africa Cup. Hard to root against a team that is dealing with that kind of stuff in their day to day lives. One thing that's kind of cool about the World Cup is that it gives us a chance to learn a little something about countries that we wouldn't ordinarily think about. So take a sec and read up on the Ivory Coast.

Trivia Art only began posting on foobooz.com a few short weeks ago, and already he's been written about in Philadelphia Will Do, Blinq, Attytood, and Gridskipper. And now, today, you can find him in the Metro. And in other food news, the Great Pizza Hunt is back in effect. Yeah, I needed to take a little break, but as of today, it's back on. Anybody who wants to grab a slice in the next couple of weeks should email me at johnnygoodtimes@hotmail.com.

Trinidad and Tobago is hanging tough with England. With 20 minutes left, it's tied at zero. England has blown a couple of great chances, and an amazing play by one of the English defenders kept a Trinidad shot out of the goal. OK, ok, I'm coming around. A 0-0 game can actually be pretty exciting. And the fact that Trinidad is playing gives me a perfectly legitimate excuse to post a photo of Miss T & T Danielle Jones.
UPDATE: Damnit, two goals in the last ten minutes propelled the bloody blokes to victory. But that does not in any way affect my feelings for Danielle.

First of all, Happy Birthday to Ice Cube, who turns 37 today. Also, Happy B-Day to Philadelphia's own Bernard Hopkins, and congrats on what was an impressive win on Saturday night. Alright, that's enough happiness. Let's be miserable for a minute, and you know what I'm getting at: yeah, it's time to talk Phillies. First of all, I want to know, can anyone out there think of a player in major league baseball worse than David Bell? No, I mean seriously, I want somebody to tell me a single player in the majors who is worse. Last night, after four innings, the skies opened up with the Phils trailing 7-2, and I began chanting, "Let's go, Ra-ain." But even the rain is letting us down these days. And how much longer before Uncle Charlie is fired? I give it until the All-Star break. We have some really good players on this team (though none of them pitch), and there is no excuse for us to be this pathetic. Something needs to happen, soon, or this is a lost season

\
Yeah, I was watching the Germany-Poland match, and saw the winning (and only) goal in injury time. What made it better was that I was watching it on Univision. No, I was not trying to make a political statement about cheesesteaks and to be honest, I can't understand most of what the announcers say, but I do it b/c I love hearing the Spanish announcers when a goal is scored. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!" Followed by "GOL! GOL! GOL! GOL! GOL! GOL! (Repeat ten times). And I love the women who are on Univision after soccer. Muy calientes!

In other news my man Trivia Art gets some love on gridskipper for Foobooz. It was Trivia Art who told me that the Philly Style Mag was on newstands now, so I needed to check to see if I was voted Philly's best quizzo (Remember when I asked you to vote for me like 5 months ago?) Alas, the new issue hasn't hit the newsstand at Barnes and Noble. My raging ego (I wore a shirt with a picture of myself on it last night, for heaven's sake) must be kept in check for at least another night.

Looks like Joe Vento is getting more than he bargained for, as white trash from all across America descending on his restaurant, wearing their "These Colors Don't Run" t-shirts and talking about how lazy immigrants are and you just know the following is happening over and over again:,
"I suppose I'll have one of them there cheese steaks."
"Yo, you'se want dat wit'?"
"Well, now, dadgummit, I cain't quite understand yer English."
"Yo, you'se want dat wit'?"
"Yer words ain't makin' no dagburn sense, but I'll just take one of them there cheesesteaks to support all of y'all good speakin' Americans."

Hey I got Spanish class (I'm an unpatriotic American, stooping to learning that unworthy language, I know, I know), so I'll holla at ya this afternoon.
Related: Chris R.'s excellent letter to Mr. Vento.

Alright , it's time to come clean. What are your guilty pleasures-things you know you shouldn't like, but you do anyway? I've gotta say that mine are Pizza Hut deep dish pizza and Dunkin Donuts, both for their donuts and their ridiculously sweet coffe, and Grey's Anatomy, which I've been blasted for in the past. I hate chain restaurants, but Pizza Hut and Dunkin' Donuts both get a pass. And if I see an US magazine lying around, well, I'll probably read it from cover to cover. Man, that was really painful to admit. Anyways, I'm interested in hearing your guilty pleasures, so drop a line below.

It's 1:30 and I'm at a restaurant in Conshohocken, wearing my pink tuxedo shirt. There's a perfectly good explanation for this, which I will give you if and when the right opportunity arises. Very interesting morning, that's all I'll say for now. I'll be back to posting stuff this afternoon. I've got another question for you in the worst movie ever mold. That was fun. Oh, and I bowed out early last night in rock paper scissors action. Very disappointing. I'm emceeing the championship on Saturday. More on that as it develops. Check back in a couple of hours, or throw in your two cents to the soccer debate. Peace-JGT.

Trinidad and Tobago pulled off an upset tie at the World Cup on Saturday. What is the capital of Trinidad and Tobago? (The girl above pops up 2nd when you google Trinidad and Tobago and, um, I think I love her.)

Yeah, so the USA game didn't go so well. And by not so well, I mean that we proved that, without question, we are the least qualified team in this year's World Cup. Losing 3-0 in socer is like losing 31-0 in American football. Humiliating. But the good news is that Italy is on now, and it's so easy to root against the Italians. I mean, after all, Geno's Joe Vento has Italian ancestry. And he's the guy who thinks Mexicans are dirty. Man, I'm starting to like the new Inky, who have a policy of, as Philebrity says, "Blow us off and we'll use the money quotes in the follow up article." This is the article where Joe Vento says, "A lot of diseases are coming in" with illegal Mexican immigrants. Yeah, diseases like workaholism. Oh, and remember how Vento told Good Morning America that he's doing this for the Mexicans, b/c they need to learn the language to assimilate? Yeah, well quizzo player Chris R. sent Joe this email a week and a half ago, and has yet to get a response. You'll really enjoy this one:

There's only one way to describe this weekend's soccer action: Booooooooring. After the opening game, which was won 4-2 by Germany, I think the rest of games were all 1-0, except for two, one of which was 0-0. 0-0? Seriously, is there anything lamer than a 0-0 sporting event? That's like a strip poker match where everybody refuses to take any clothes off. And one game was 1-0 only because one team put the ball in their own goal. Can somebody explain to me why soccer has this stupid offsides rule which makes scoring essentially impossible? I mean, I wanna like the World Cup, I really do. But they have to score some freaking points. Please! Anyways, I'm gonna be at Black Sheep to watch the USA game if anybody wants to swing by during their lunch break.

Hasselhoff sings America won at the Bards on Thursday night, and afterwards one member of the team let me know that "I received a Hasselhoff DVD in the mail today. It's for a friend." Yeah, it's for a friend. You hear that? It's for a friend. Why do you have to be ashamed of Hasselhoff? I mean, just watch this video, and I think you'll understand why the host nation of this year's World Cup loves this guy (and acid washed jeans).
Related: Dirk loves David, Freedom!

The Axis of Evil Knieval won at the Good Dog for the 2nd straight week, and then shortly after the contest, Johnny announced that he sincerley hopes that Ann Coulter is attacked and eaten by wolves. Coulter, who recently stated that she thinks that several 9/11 widows are enjoying their husband's deaths, was even told to cool off by none other than Bill O'Reilly. Which, as a friend of mine in the local media stated, "Is like Idi Amin telling you you're going a little overboard with your torture techniques."
Related: Johnny hopes Ann Coulter gets hit by train.
Related: Johnny hopes Coulter gets hit by a bus.

The Satan's Minions proved that the devil was still alive in spirit, even a day after 6/6/06, as they won at the Black Sheep. And it seems that Johnny's 50/50 round caused quite a stir in Germany, as the German's erected a plaque marking the spot where Hitler's bunker existed a day after the Mussolini or Hitler round. Coincidence?

Sure, the Jams were not at full strength, and Darth Ern knows about about death metal as he does about being demure, but that little mattered as the Six Pack edged Trust Us We Know for a memorable win at the Rendezvous on Wednesday. And then there was this: The Six Pack pulls off the shocker and, hours later, al-Zarqawi is killed. Coincidence?

Bernard Hopkins is going to be taking on Antonio Tarver tommorrow night in Atlantic City. Tarver is going to be playing Mason "The Line" Dixon in the upcoming Rocky movie, which is, quite frankly, the stupidest name for a bad guy I've ever heard. Apparently they decided against the name Hawley "The Tarriff" Smoot. If you've never read my interview with Hopkins from last year (before he lost to Jermain Taylor for the second time), I highly recommend it. He talks about his life in prison before he became a boxer, why there are no good white boxers, and bashes Donovan. Honestly, this is a really neat interview.
Related: Johnny interviews the Executioner.

Man, this has not been my healthiest week. Monday night I hit both Jim's and Moriarity's. On Tuesday, I hit Lorenzo's on South Street. You know how their pizza is kind of inconsistent? This time it was awesome. On Wednesday I got a burger from Monk's. I think their beer is a little too pricey, but damn, their burgers are amazing. Then, yesterday, I got another cheesesteak, this one from Oscar's Tavern, one of my favorite bars in the city. I feel like I need to hit another great place this weekend, to keep the momentum going. Where should I go? Any suggestions? I'm thinking about checking out the Cantina El Caballito, the new Mexican place. But other than that, I'm just eating salads this weekend. Seriously. I got to get my fat ass to the gym now, big time, and then I'll get to work on stories for this week.

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards in the 6-6-6 Spectacular, but as the clock wound past midnight, they realized that the remainder of the evening would not be spent in Dante's Inferno. "I wouldn't say I'm devastated by the lack of hellfire and brimstone currently in my immediate view," said Nate "The Snake" Roberts. "But I'm a little disappointed. I mean, it's 12:05 a.m., and here we are at the Bards, sipping on a lager. Not quite as exciting as being surrounded by flames and forced to listen to Ashlee Simpson albums for the remainder of eternity. The Prince of Darkness really let us down on this one." Added Swanson McSweeney, "Beelzebub is full of s***! All that anticipation and then...nothing. Screw him. I'm going to church this Sunday! Or possibly brunch. One of the two."

Dork Sided came from behind to win at O'Neals on Tuesdyay night, then announced that they would, under no circumstances, beat their opponents with a dead chihuahua. "Beating someone with a dead chihuahua has no place in this sport, Johnny, and we refuse to engage in that type of behavior" said Shavlik Handoff of the Dorks. The JGT Ethics Committee drew up legislation on Tuesday night making hitting an opponent with a dead chihua a four point deduction.

A'ight, I'm Audi, but I'll leave you with a few little nuggets. FIrst of all, wanna say thanks to everyone who's been writing in with their "Worst movies of all time". I'm getting a kick out of reading your comments. Also, be sure to vote in the new poll on the right side of the page about bad movies. Here's a link to local Daily News writer Will Bunch bashing bigoted Geno's owner Joe Vento. And finally, who hasn't thought about a tropical island getaway? Well, I can tell you one thing. Average Homeboy has.

The Sofa Kingdom won at an eerily quiet Cartoon Quizzo at the Franklin Institute on friday, as rumors flew that Goodtimes had finally jumped the shark. Despite a small crowd, the quizzo turned out to be a lot of fun, as Johnny played the soundtracks to various cartoons (Including Gem) throughout the night and a collage of cartoons was shown on the big screen. The primary reason for the low turnout, surmised Goodtimes, was the torrential downpour at the time of quizzo (One team had to leave halfway through the game b/c their basement flooded). His critics weren't so sure. "Yeah, right, it was the rain," said Bobby Badtimes, "And I'm the tooth fairy. Listen, people are just fed up with Goodtimes. They thought they were gonna get a science quizzo last time, and they got "'Every Little Beat of My Heart' by Hilary Duff. This was payback." There is going to be a Superhero quizzo on the 30th of June. Though Johnny will be unable to host (he's heading back to Europe), it is believed that a visitor from another planet, known as Quizzoman, will be hosting.More details will be forthcoming.

After watching a History of Violence the other night, a movie that I think might make my top 10 worst movies ever, I started to think, what is the worst movie I've ever seen? It's a tough one. I have seen Plan 9 From Outer Space, but it's so campy, it's kind of enjoyable. There are other remarkably bad movies I've seen as well. Big Top Pee Wee, Bio-Dome, Speed,and Death Becomes Her all come to mind. As does Armageddon. Zoolander is the only film I've ever walked out of the theatre on. I really didn't hate Showgirls that much, but htat probably says more about me than it does about the movie. But I have to say that the most melodramatic load of horses*** I've ever seen is Twister. It followed every cliche ever offered up by a Hollywood film. I mean there were bad guy tornado chasers in this film, and they drove black vans. The dialogue was fingernails on a chalkboard excruciating, just one pathetically unfunny one-liner after another, interrupted by the bad storm chasers saying really mean things and two peole falling in love with a ferocious twister in the background and one of the characters dealing with the fact that her dad was killed by a tornado. Man, I hate this movie. Anyways, I want you guys to let me know what your least favorite movies are. I might even try to watch a few of them.

In what city did Anton Levay begin the Church of Satan in 1966?

That's right people. Tonight we will celebrate the end of the world and have a devilsihly good time at quizzo with the 666 Spectacular. Today is a particularly good day to join the Church of Satan, "the first above ground organization in history openly dedicated to the acceptance of Man's true nature-that of a carnal beast, living in a cosmos which is permeataed and motivated by the Dark Force which we call Satan." Say what you will about those Satanists, they hire really good writers for the website.

Last night, my friend Suzanne and I decided to meet up with Palestra Jon and Trivia Art at Dark Horse for quizzo. But we were both hungry, so first we decided to grab something to eat. After a bit of debate, we finally settled on one thing we could both agree on: Jim's. Jim's is a place where I always tend to go when I have family in town, but never really seem to go otherwise. I don't know why. Now I know what you're thinking: Johnny, if you're going to grab a cheesesteak, why not get one from a man who is a total bigot? Well, we weren't in South Philly, and I also didn't want a cheesesteak that tastes like cardboard, so we decided against Geno's. The cheeseteak at Jim's was delicious, as always. After dinner we headed off to quizzo, where we lost a tie-breaker for second place. Once quizzo was over, I found myself hungry again. "Anybody up for wings?" I asked. "Yes", came the reply from Art and Suzanne. So we headed to Moriarity's. That's right. Jim's Steaks and Moriarity's wings on the same night. Praise me, people. Next week, a repeat, but with a Lorenzo's slice!

I received a great email yesterday. This is how it read: I work for an Entertainment and Sports Marketing firm and was wondering if you had Manute Bol's contact information and/or his agent. It is regarding an appearance in a commercial and this info would be much appreciated. Thanks for your help.

Somebody actually asked me if I had Manute Bol's contact information! That rules! I don't know if it was spam or not, though. The guys e-mail address name was Burns 1. That's a little fishy. Here's another e-mail I received a couple of months ago: Hi Johnny, I'm working on a show for CMT called "Greatest Moments: Toby Keith" and am interested in using the photo you have on your site of Natalie Maines wearing her FUTK T-shirt (see attachment). Do you have a higher res version of this image?

I wrote her back that I did not have a high res image, but that if she wanted someone to do a lot of hating on Toby Keith for her show, I would love to. I haven't heard back from her.

When I wanna know where to take a girl on a date, or where to grab a cheap drink, or who's got a good lunch deal, I call up Trivia Art, who has eaten at pretty much eaten at every restaurant in this town at least once and who seems to always know who has good beers for cheap. Well, fortunately for you, Trivia Art has decided to share his vast knowledge of the local gastronomic scene with everybody on his new website, foobooz.com. It's not a place where he critiques local restaurants, but it's a place where you can find out who has great deals on food and booze throughout the city.

Have you ever decided to rent a movie because it got great reviews, then watch it and be convinced that all movie reviewers are glue addicts? This was the case with History of Violence, which every reviewer and their mom thought was great, but which was absolutely awful, sort of like a Jean Claude Van Damme pic, except with a less plausible storyline. I mean, this may honestly be the most worthless film I've seen in years, and yet every reviewer I read thought it was pure genius. Did anybody else see this film and think it looked like something that should be on the USA network at 3 in the morning?

I went to Marra's in South Philly with a couple of ladies from Team Swampass, Ginny and Ellen. The place looks great from the outside, and has a cozy feel on the interior. The pizzas on the menu sounded pretty good. We went with one that was half-pepperoni, artichoke. The other, called the Bianca, was a bit more intriguing. I'll let Ellen tell you more about it:
It's combo of broccoli rabe, sun-dried tomatoes, and sausage kept every bite interesting. The sharp provolone was heroic in proportion and in garlic dose, perhaps a plus to some, but I wouldn't have minded a little
more restraint in both departments. This is definitely a dinner pizza. I would get the red pie with half 'roni, half artichoke anytime. Here, the tomato sauce complemented both the toppings and the excellent crust--neither
heavy nor cardboard, and just enough doughy moisture.

It's Not the Heat, it's the Humidity won over Watch You Like a S*** Hawk in OT on Thursday, but their vicotry took a backseat to bigger news: Average Homeboy is back, and he's blazin! That's right, ladies and gentleman, you absolutely have to watch the following video. It will make your Monday. I promise.

The Axis of Evil Knieval won at the Good Dog on Thursday, then remarked that they were going to "step it up a notch" on the evil-o-meter. "We live lives dedicated to the theme of evil," said Eric B. of AEK. "Yeah," added Rakim, "But on 06-06-06, we're gonna take it to the next level. We'll be jaywalking, feeding wild animals, and tearing the tags off mattresses. All sorts of activities that can only be construed as 'Super-Evil'."

The Satan's Minions were all left cold and homeless (the whole team lived together in a Satanic commune) a day after they won at the Black Sheep. The team lost everything by betting on this year's spelling bee. "I can't believe the winner was freaking white," said Champ Minion. "I bet it all that they would be Asian." Champ, sitting in a cardboard box just outside of a Rite-Aid, added, "This is just another great example of whitey keeping me down."

The debate over whether virginity pledges work intensified at the Rendezvous, as the victorious Jams claimed that they were all virgins, while the third place 6-Pack (below) said that they blew their noses with said pledges, and then started "whoring it up". The Jams said that often times, when confronted with the opportunity to enjoy amorous pursuits, walked away when they remembered that they had signed a pledge. "Absolutely," said Rob Jam, "My baby was a miracle child, immaculately conceived." FULL DISCLOSURE: Sadly, JGT could have signed a virginity pledge as a teenager, and actually stayed true to it thoughout high school.

The Narcotizing Dysfunktion won at the Bards on tuesday night, but that didn't take away the pain of the Anthony Dimeo vs. Tucker Max verdict. "I can't believe the judge ruled in favor of Tucker Max," said Anfernee Max (no relation) of the Dysfunktion, "And I can't believe how hard JGT came down on Dimeo. Does he not realize how poorly he would have done at the bake-off if it wasn't for people like Dimeo growing the blueberries to make his Rhubarb Banana Blueberry Supreme a reality?"
Related: You really should read the judge's motion to dismiss in this case. I have had several lawyer friends tell me this week that they "have never seen a motion like this one in their lives." It includes the phrase, "Fisted like an angry gorilla", which was the name of not one, but two teams this week at quizzo.

The Young and the Restless won at O'Neals on tuesday, then expressed their disappointment that Nicole and Paris won't be reconciling in the upcoming season of Simple Life. "Yeah, it looks like they're still at it," said Cocktails Jackson of the Y & R. "I really thought that the show might bring them back together. I think this tiff is really a sad indictment of our society as a whole. I mean, what does it say about us when our two most celebrated coke whores can't even get along?"

Here's how it's goin' down. There will be a show at 8 p.m. tonight at the Franklin Institute, featuring cartoon shorts by Max Fleischer, Disney's chief rival in the Golden Age of Animation. There will be a number of classic shorts, including several of Popeye and Betty Boop. Then, at 10, I will be hosting a cartoon quizzo, though NOT all of the questions will be about cartoons. But you can count on rounds 2 and 3 being about cartoons. YES, THEY WILL BE SERVING ALCOHOL! Come on, do you think your ol' pal Johnny is really gonna make you come out on a friday night without an opportunity to numb your brain with booze? Between rounds, they will be showing a cartoon mosaic on the ceiling of the planetarium that I have been told is going to be pretty sweet. Tickets are $4 to play quizzo only, $8 to watch the shorts and play quizzo.

Yep, I made the food section. "But, Johnny," you ask, "all you know about food is how to eat it." Not anymore. As you know, I have become the self proclaimed Craig LaBan of pizza (I'll have a Marra's review this afternoon after Spanish class), and now my friend Ken and I are respected bakers. The article is actually about the two ladies I wrote about in my story, and about the jealousy they encounter on the bake-off trail. Please realize that my "bakers in Lancaster County" comment carries with a dose of sarcasm.
Related: Johnny Rocks at Intercourse