May 2006 Archives

A'ight, peeps. I'm heading out to see the Phillies game, so behave yourselves while I'm gone. In the meantime, read up on the worthless piece of human waste who runs Geno's Cheesesteaks on Philadelphia Will Do. It looks like Bobby Badtimes took the time to post a comment below the write-up. Then, just to prove that the more things change, the more they stay the same, a look into the time machine shows us that two years ago Johnny was every bit as successful with women as he is now. Oh, and if anybody runs into Eve, please have her call me. Thanks.

A few years ago, I had an ill-fated quizzo at Moda in Old City, where they refused to turn down the house music and where a bunch of guys in $200 shirts walked in about halfway through the game and just stared in disbelief, as if they had never seen a bunch of nerds before. I lasted a week. But one good thing came of it: Avi and Deborah hung out for the first time. They have played quizzo intermittently in the years since. And then, two weeks ago, Avi popped the question, and she said yes. (He didn't drop the question at Moda, in case you were wondering.) Congratulations, guys!
Related: Man proposes via quizzo questions.

Hey gang, got another gig at the planetarium this Friday. It is part of the Franklin's Institute's Animation exhibit which is currently going on. Yes, that does mean that there will be some questions about cartoons and such, but not all questions will be about them. This will probably be a bit more like regular quizzo, except that of course there will be a laser light show between rounds. Last time the between round stuff was decent, but not great, but I have been assured that this time they will totally kick ass. This is gonna be a lot of fun. And yes, there will be booze. I will post more details on the site as I get them.

Without boring you with details, last night was emotional and sleepless, and I staggered out of bed this morning convinced that this was going to be a really lousy day. I knew one thing-that there was no news that could possibly cheer me up, not a single thing. And then I got an email from Palestra Jon, which led me to this. Excitedly, I went to this. By now I was giddy, and I went here. Now, for those of you who are too lazy to click links, here's the basics: Anthony Dimeo, the local blueberry mogul who has on numerous occasions threatened to sue me for things I've written about him on this website, got struck down in a court of law in a case against internet bad boy Tucker Max. Or, as Max so eloquently states, "I BEAT THE EVER LOVING S*** OUT OF ANTNEE DIMEO!!" So thank you, Anthony. Thank you for being such a total f****** douchebag that your failures bring me a ray of sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day. And thank you, America. Because you give people like Anthony the right to think that being born with a silver spoon in their mouth gives them carte blanche to impose their will on the little guy, but you also give the little guy the chance to call these types of people exactly what they are. Total f****** douchebags.
Related: Johnny and Antnee named to Philly's 40 Under 40.
Related: Bobby Badtimes has a few words for Antnee
Related: New Years Eve Party goes, uh, not so good.

Before he went solo, Jimi Hendrix played with the Upsetters, the back-up band for what famous performer?

Watch You Like a S*** Hawk edged the Sofa Kingdom at the Bards on Thursday, then released their mascot Hudson, who ran amok through the crowd, ripping jewelry off women's necks and swooping into men's faces. "I was really proud of this squad," said Johnny of a team that had played numerous times but had never won before. "In fact, I would say, AAAAAAAAAH, that f****** bird has my ear. This confounded animal is trying to destroy me! Does this bird know who I am? AAAAAAAAH!"

MAGMA's once firm grip on the Good Dog continued to slip, as they lost a shootout to the Chese and Crack Whores, 109-107. The Whores, who had a perfect score thru three, held on in round four for the win. My cats, meanwhile, continue to be totally adorable.

Kiss Me Where I Pee won a tight one at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, then talked about how good they thought the Pat Sajak Show was, although it bombed badly in 1989 (This was the answer to question #10 in the impossible round). They especially liked the time Rush Limbaugh hosted. It really went well. I mean, the people who are screaming at him come off as idiots too, but this is the most awkward ten minutes you will ever see on TV. In the end, they had to clear the studio audience and he delivered his closing monologue to an empty studio.

The Jams won at the Vous on Wednesday, and were one of a few teams over a two day stretch that knew who Eddie Gaedel was. The wild card round this week was Baseball and Makeup, with five questions about each. Question number five was, "Who was the only midget to play in a major league game?" It's a pretty fascinating story. Here's a pretty good write up about it.

Hey, it's 4:50 on a Friday, so I'm sure nobody reading this, but apparently my interview is online. Click here if you couldn't afford to get your self a real Metro. Just had pizza at Marra's, so I'll have that review up in a few days, and I'll have quizzo results up, uh, asap.

The whole time I've been on this pizza quest, people have been asking me, "Have you been to Tacconelli's yet? Have you been to Taconnelli's yet?" The hype for this place is enormous, and in reading other online reviews, Tacconelli's always scores high. Then, on top of that, they make you order your dough ahead of time, making dinner an event, not just a meal. So it was with enormous expectations that I entered this unassuming restaurant on 2604 East Somerset with Trivia Art, Mary Anne, and Ginger. Seriously, it was Mary Anne and Ginger. The people I brought along were kind of excited, so there reviews are a little wordy. Let's start with Triva Art:
Sometimes you worry when things get too hyped. Whether they be thoroughbred horses, pitchers named Cole, or science quizzo, it's tough to live up to the hype. And that's the spot Tacconelli's was in. Could a Port Richmond pizza
spot possibly live up to the pressure placed on it by all the people out there hyping it? Well that was the question Tacconelli's had to answer. Earlier that day I had been surfing around the Internets and read some playa
hatin reviews of the place. Oh boy, had they slipped, rested on their laurels? There was definitely some trepidation as I walked into the Somerset St storefront shortly after seven last Sunday night. The ambiance didn't
bolster my confidence. Picture your grade school lunch room with booths. Add to that the silence of a broken jukebox and I thought, uh oh. But then I reconsidered, b/c Goodtimes would only wind up playing some Johnny Cash anyway. Goodtimes thinks it's a law that every juke box must be played, and Johnny Cash must be among the songs selected. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, grade school gym. Freaking nuns. No wait, oh yeah,Tacconelli's. We ordered two pies, one white, half sweet peppers, and a regular, half pepperoni, half prosciutto.

The white pie arrived first, topped with ample garlic and olive oil it was a lovely pizza, with a thin crisp crust supporting the toppings. It was a perfect blend, the salt and pepper really bringing out the flavors. It was
going to be a tough pizza to beat. Next arrived the red pie. Pepperoni crisped, just the way I like it. The
pepperoni had a nice spice, the cheese, played the Pippen role to the sauce's Jordan. Supporting the star, but in no way overpowering it. After the peperoni slice I sampled the prosciutto. The prosciutto, crust, sauce, and cheese combination wowed me. This is what the pizza hunt was about. That perfect bite. And I had found it, in a little
storefront in Port Richmond. Four and a half stars, might even get five if you get your prosciutto pizza to go.

Wow, so Art loved the place. What would Ginger and I think? Read on after the jump..

This from this week's Sports Illustrated: Dallas starDirk Nowitzki confessed that to ease tension at the free throw line, he sometimes hums Hasselhoff's immortal Looking for Freedom, a hit in Germany when Nowitzki was a youth.
Related: Looking For Freedom: the greatest music video ever. Ever. No, seriously. Ever.

First off, pick up a copy of today's Metro. There's an interview with me in there (Trivia Art says the interview makes me seem "kind of creepy".. Secondly, I've got a new quizzo event at the Fels Planetarium on friday, June 2nd! It's a part of their animation exhibit, so you can expect some questions about cartoons, but not all. There's also some cool new stuff for the laser light show. And this time they'll have their first string guy at the controls. OK, so I'm finally gonna get my Taconnelli's review up today in the great pizza hunt. I promise. There were some major upsets at quizzo last night, and those stories will be up later. And if you haven't read the now legendary story of the Rhubarb bake-off, click here. It's pretty hilarious.

The Narkotizing Dysfunktion spent the day thursday drinking Budweiser and watching Designing Women reruns to celebrate Dixie Carter's birthday. But one team member wasn't completely thrilled. "You know, everybody gushes about the work she did on Designing Women,"said Ned Barkstone, "but I've never forgiven her for leaving Mr. Drummond with Mary Anne Mobley. I just can't believe she would do that to Sam."

The JGT All-Stars were victorious at O'Neals on Tuesday, but the win didn't brighten their mood when they found out that Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling had both been found guilty of fraud. "Fraud?" asked team member Brian Looseleaf. "Since when does turning a pyramid scheme into the 6th largest company in America constitute fraud?" Brian then told me that if I gave him $75, and I got eight people to give me $75, we could both be rich within the week. Sooooo, anybody interested?

It has been a technologically disastrous week, as my iPod crapped out at O'Neals on Tuesday. Fortunately Brian had his on him, complete with "The Message". I then ran home after that quizzo to bust out the old cd player for the Bards, which I used again last night. At the Bards, the wire between the cd player and the amp caught on fire, but I put it out quickly, and miraculously, the thing still worked. Then at the Black Sheep last night the cd player came crashing down on the floor at one point. Again, it somehow walked away. So then, this morning I turn on the iPod and all of a sudden it works! So I'm back in business for tonight. Now, I know what you're thinking: Johnny, does this story have a point? The answer, sadly, is no. I'll be back this afternoon with a Taconelli's review and a couple of results from this week. Oh, and I've got some exciting news about next week.

Me and my man Scott headed out to East Falls to a place called Slices on Ridge Avenue. The place is pretty unassuming, and the slices are cheap. I got my first slice, but the garlic salt is in a container with giant holes in the top, so that when i tried to sprinkle it on my pie it came gushing out, rendering my slice inedible. No problem, the guys behind the coutner replaced it for me free of charge. So my slice was perfectly good, though not great. The highlight of the trip, however, was when I noticed the following words at the bottom of a nearby dry erase board:

Now, I have never been at a restaurant that thought to advertise all of the excitement that comes with the prospect of fountain soda. "Hey guys, what should we do for dinner?" "I dunno, if Slices has fountain soda, we should go there. They said it was coming soon." Here was Scott's take:
A decent little neighborhood joint that serves a solid, no-frills piece of pie. It's not too greasy, the crust is thin and tasty, and the soda was really wet. The price is right ($2.00 for any slice, any topping is pretty good, even though your choice of topping seems limited to cheese, pepperoni and hamburger.) In short, I've occasionally had better pizza, but Slices gets the job done just fine. Three pepperonis from me.
Yeah, Slices gets three pepperonis. But I'll be back...to try the fountain soda.

Palestra Jon and I headed over to the King of Pizza in New Jersey last week. I'll let him do his write up first:
The Famous King of Pizza is part of Jersey roadside legend, having been once part of a row that included Garden State racetrack, farmstands and a miniature golf course. Over the years, everything that once surrounded it is gone with the exception of the dinosaur from the miniature golf course, a lonely relic surrounded now by strip
malls and big box stores. Still, the King remains supreme. This is one of my favorite local places, with good cheesy pizza and great crust. I was somewhat limited by JGT's menu selection. Although I recommended the very good white veggie or spinach pizzas, I had to struggle to keep him away from the Hawaiian Pineapple (ugh) pie. Finally, I reluctantly agreed to a half-chicken cheesesteak, half pepperoni pizza. The chicken cheesesteak pizza was very good, with a good cheese to steak ratio and the usual great crust. The pepperoni was a little disappointing in
my view, with the grease so overwhelming that you couldn't taste anything but pepperoni fat. Overall, I would normally give the King a solid 4 star rating, but I have to take a star away due to the pizza choice. I still love this place, though.
Jon must have been muttering under his breath whe said the white and spinach pizza's 'cause I never heard him. Regardless, the pizza we got was decent, but nothing special. The place had little in the way of ambiance, though the sign out front was pretty cool. Apparently the original place burned down a few years ago, and the owners went with a more modern (aka boring) look. Jon can blame me if wants to, but I didn't make this so-so pizza. Correct me if I'm wrong Jon, but I don't think the chicken steak came with peppers or onions. We agree on one thing: this place gets 3 pepperonis.

Remember last year, when the Phils fired Bowa and people around Philly were gettign excited because there was a proven winner out there, just waiting to be snapped up? A guy who had won three division titles and had won a World Series with a team that, truth be told, really wasn't that good? A guy who was extremely familiar with the National League, since that's where he always had managed? Well, don't worry, he hasn't done much since he got snapped up by the Detroit Tigers this year. Well, with the exception of leading a perennial laughingstock to the best record in baseball. And the difference really seemed to hit home last night, as the Tigers came from two runs back in the 8th inning, while the Phils blew a three run lead in the 8th.
Related: Fascinating Phillie Facts

I had planned to get to Camden early on Sunday, so that I could paint the town red in a day and take part in the ol' waterfront trifecta. You see, the good people of Camden were letting bloggers go to the Aquarium, the Battleship, and the ballpark for free over the past weekend, and since I wear so many hats (quizmaster, blogger, baker, etc.) I figured I should take part. But I was unable to get out of bed before noon, probably the aftereffects of "Baker's hangover". Or possibly the effects of "PBR hangover". Anyway, that's irrelevant. I called the lovely Ginger to see if she wanted to go to the city across the river. She said sure, so we hopped in the Crown Victoria and headed to "The City That Never Reads". Ouch! That was a cheap shot. In my defense, I was raised to make fun of Jersey every chance I got.

Piestengel is a German slang word for what?

We came flying in on two wheels into the Kitchen Kettle Village parking lot in Intercourse, careful not to let our cherished pie (The Rhubarb Banana Blueberry Supreme) fall in the car floor, then hopped out and ran into KKV. Judging for the Rhubarb Pie Bake Off was scheduled for 10:15 a.m., and it was already 10:20. "You must be the fellows from Philadelphia," said an attractive lady in a giant pink hat. My butterfly shirt and the fact that we were the only people there under the age of 50 apparently gave us away. "Indeed," I said, handing her my pie.

Ken had worked hard Wednesday night to make the ingredients, and I had spent my Thursday afternoon baking. It was an amateur production at best. I had never baked before, so I didn't know what to roll the dough on. A newspaper? The bare table? Finally I put two cutting boards together and rolled it on them. I didn't have a dough roller, so I used a large can of pineapple juice to roll the dough. I had no idea what I was doing, but when I pulled the pie out of the oven, it wasn't completely burnt, so I figured that was a good sign.

The judging began shortly after we arrived. The judge for pies (there were also competitions for best rhubarb cake and best miscellaneous rhubarb dessert) was a lady named Holly Palacious (above) who worked at a nearby Tea Room. She looked very serious as she began her tasting, and seemed remarkably focused. She tasted the first few pies and got to ours. I began to get nervous. For all I knew, they were going to cut the pie and it was going to deflate like the turkey in National Lampoon's X-Mas Vacation. They began cutting. I held my breath. No deflating, but the cute lady in the pink hat was having a hard time cutting through the crust. She got a bigger knife. The bigger knife worked and they took out a small piece. Holly tried it. She didn't spit it out or even wince. In fact, she decided to have a second bite! Awesome! I looked at a nearby scoresheet to see how the pies were judged. Oh, crap, appearance counted! The other pies looked like they were posing for the cover of Martha Stewart Living, while ours looked like it had just come out of the EZ Bake oven. We were screwed!

A team known as the Sweet Peppers won a privately held quizzo at the Boathouse for Pepper Hamillton LLP on Thursday night then formed what Johnny called, "the most perfect single file line ever. I mean, they are equidistant apart, each turned at exactly the same angle. I've been doing this a long time, and I have never seen a line like that one." Johnny denied that he thought a member of an opposing team was cute, and that he grooved a Beverly Hills 90210 question in round one for her. "That is patently untrue, and I am sickened by the accusations. If I hear anyone else make accusations like those, they will be hearing from my lawyers...and my lawyers make perfect single file lines."

Gonna have a bunch of stuff to write about when I return to the office on Monday. The trip to Intercourse was legendary, as you might suspect. Then, on Sunday, I'm hitting all the hot spots in Camden. I'll have exciting write ups on both endeavors on Monday. The above guys, by the way, were totally jamming at the Rhubarb Festival.

Sand From the Beach knocked off the usual Thursday night victors at the Bards, then voiced their concern about Johnny, who has been noticeably depressed since Friday's bake-off. "He just doesn't seem like himself," said Alex Vanderpelt of the Beaches. "Moody and extra sensitive." Said Goodtimes, "It's just that the last few months have been kind of tough, and this bake-off was all that was keeping me going. Now that the bake-off is over, I mean, what now?" Mental health specialists say that Post Bake Off Depression, or PBOD as it's known in mental health circles, is a very real problem, but that there will be a pill for it soon, accompanied by a commercial with lots of smiles and pills falling from the sky, and then Johnny will be fine.

The Swift Boat Veterans protested 2 and Half Men's Impressive victory at the Good Dog on Thursday night, saying that their service to quizzo was "a joke". The Boat Veterans, whose moment in the sun was ecliped after the 2004 election, has been trying to find a way to give it's members activities since, and one of those included heckling Thursday's winners. "Two and a Half Men's contribution to the quizzo effort has been overstated by the liberal press, including this borderline socialist website," said one Boat Veteran." The Boat Veterans then left the Good Dog and headed to Bingo at the Elks Lodge, to protest the letter "N". Said one Boat Veteran, the letter "N" is a "joke, an embarrasment to it's country."

A text message has been received from Intercourse PA.
Johnny Goodtimes and co-baker Ken have received a 22 for their pie, the winner received a 26. The judge told them that their pie was "very creative." Johnny also said, "I think I've got baker's high."

The night air is still. The pie cools in a nearby refridgerator. In a few hours we will find out once and for all whether Ken and I will pull off the greatest upset in pie baking since the Sioux City Shocker at the '84 Berry Jamboree. Like I said before, I'll try to post something from there, but the odds of a cyber cafe in Intercourse are about the same as me winning the pie baking contest, so you'll probably have to wait until at least Saturday. Speaking of Saturday, remember that I'll be emceeing at the ComedySportz Improv at the Adrienne. Shows are at 7:30 and 10 p.m., and it is BYOB. If you are looking for something to do today, my mom just joined Myspace and she needs some new friends, so hook it up. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a bake off to win.

The ladies above are from a team called Wire-tap that Ass tha played last night at the Bards. Once they found out that I was a baker, well, they simply couldn't keep their hands off me.

It was last year this time that my buddy Ken and I headed out to Intercourse and found ourselves in the midst of the Rhubarb festival in what ended up being a legendary road trip. So this year, we are gonna return. And this year, there is an added attraction: We have decided to enter the Great Rhubarb Pie Bake Off! We were discussing it yesterday, though I was obviously kind of joking when I brought it up, considering I have never baked a pie in my life. Then this morning I got a voicemail from Ken, saying that he had made a crust and a pie filling the night before, and that all I had to do was to bake it. He's just that insane. So I went and picked it up, and am now preparing to bake my first ever pie. I'm sure it's going to go just great. We gotta head out first thing tomorrow morning, so heaven knows when I'll be posting again, but rest assured, when I do, I should have a legendary tale to tell. I'll bring my laptop with me manana, but I think the odds of a wireless cafe in Intercourse are fairly slim. Feel free to post below the odds of me and Ken winning the 23rd annual Rhubarb pie bake off. Also, post below any baking tips you have. Again, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing here.

Adolph Oliversnatch emerged victorious at a packed Black Sheep on Wednesday night, then claimed that reports that their ancestors had sex with monkeys was patently false. "Absolutely not!" said Buzz Lightspears. " None of my ancestors have ever had sex with a monkey, although my great-great-great aunt made out with a sea turtle once."

Philebrity, which usually tells you where you can go to find all the gals with striped knee socks and the guys who wish they were gay but aren't, tells a juicy story this morning about our good friends over at Philadelphia Magazine. It seems that Philly Mag posted a report about questionable sanitation in Stephen Starr restaurants on their website (though they did not author said report). Well, as everybody knows, Stephen Starr spends more money in advertising in Philly Mag per month than you spent on your entire house. And the next thing you know, our friends over at Philly Mag are yanking the report off their website and claiming the whole thing was a big misunderstanding. All things being equal, they could catch a 6 foot mutant cockroach at Morimoto and I would still eat there. Damn, that s*** is good.
Related: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

The Jams, who have already achieved their goal of quizzo dominance, now want to dominate something else: the world of moustache cultivation and maintenance. "I really don't see any competitors out ther who can beat me if I really put my mind to this," said Jam Captain. "Except for maybe the guy who made a windmill out of his beard He's gonna be tough to beat."

The Sofa Kingdom made quite a stir after their win on Tuesday, telling investigators that Jimmy Hoffa is in fact buried under the Applebees at 15th and Locust. "I'm pretty sure," said Ant Buttersworth. "I have a pretty good source, and he wouldn't lie about something like this." Buttersworth said that he think this means that investigators will have to rip open the floor of the exciting new restaurant that has created quite a buzz in Philadelphia with it's Steakhouse Creations. "You'd hate to see that happen in such a great restaurant, but hey, we gotta find this guy, and I'm pretty sure tha's where he is."
Related: Is Hoffa on 8 MIle?

Uncle Jonathon's Corn Cob Pipe Won at O'Neals, then remarked that Johnny's new trashcan isn't as nice as his old one. "Tell me about it," said a despondant Goodtimes, whose well publicized trashcan dilemma began a month ago. "Yeah, I shoulda just stole my old one (below, left) back from the neighbors who stole it from me. Instead, I bought this crappy one (below, right) for $10 from the Home Depot, which as you can see has nowhere near the capacity the old one did."

Johnny Goodtimes, who was told to "sack up" after discussing Grey's Anatomy, began his day Wednesday discussing the Suns-Clippers series in an attempt to seem like less of a sissy boy. "Do you remember when we had Raja Bell on the Sixers, and he pretty much totally sucked?" said Goodtimes, trying to make it seem like he's "one of the boys". "Well, he has become the breakout star of this year's playoffs, going mano a mano with Kobe Bryant and shutting him down in round one, then scoring a ton of points against the Clippers, and then last night hitting an incredible three with one second left to send the game into double overtime. The Suns won in what has become a remarkably entertaining series, and now lead 3-2." Goodtimes then burped like a real man. "Just like everybody else, I have completely ignored the last few years of the NBA, as it became such a boring, watered down game. But these playoffs have captured my attention. The emergence of Lebron, the entertaining play of Steve Nash, the fact that the Clippers are still alive." At this point, Johnny slapped one of his male friends on the ass, in a very mannish, yet at the same time, very ungay manner.

Yeah, the two night season finale of Grey's Anatomy was pretty intense, although by the time it was done I was ready for a little break from the show, though a 4 month break might be a little much. The whole thing got a little too out of control and melodramatic by the end, but overall, I was pretty pleased. I had read that one cast member was going to be leaving at the end of the season, but I had Alex pegged as the one to go. I thought he would have a major showdown with Addison, but it looks like Izzie is the one to leave. Just as well. She was kind of hot, but she was a complete psycho. Wonder if they'll keep her on the show. I think the fact that Dr. Webber and Meredith's mom had an affair years ago is by far the stupidest storyline currently going, and would be much better suited for a 1 p.m. soap opera than on a show that's actually otherwise really good. Well, the long offseason will give me time to watch season one, which I still haven't seen.

Yo peeps, I got a ton of free stuff to give away this week. I got comedysportz tix (see below) and I have tickets to go see Badfish. Now, if you were like me Sublime was one of those bands that helped provide the soundtrack to your life throughout college. Sadly, not many people got to see them live b/c the lead singer died of a drug overdose just as the band was starting to take off. But at the Troc on May 25th, you'll get a chance to chance to enjoy their music live, as Badfish performs.
Related: Check out Badfish on Myspace.

Hey gang, I'm gonna be playing the all-important role of Mr. Voice at ComedySportz on Saturday night. Comedysportz is a group of improv comics who really put on a great show at the Adrienne (2030 Sansom). If you haven't seen one of their performances, this Saturday will be a terrible opportunity to see them for the first time, b/c I will probably totally screw up the show. But you should go nonetheless, b/c at least it will give you a great chance to mock me. And to make sure that at least some of you go, I'm gonna be giving away a bunch of tix at this week's quizzo. There will be two shows, one at 7:30 p.m. and one at 10 p.m. Just friggin' go already.

Alright, I'm gonna steal my question of the week from last night's quizzo. John K. asked a question nobody got the right answer to, so I figured it would be hard enough to make the question of the week. I know what you're thinking, "Johnny, what are the ethical implications of outright stealing a question from another quizmaster?" And I will answer that, if I learned anything from last night's season finale of Grey's Anatomy (more on that later), it's that ethics must be compromised sometimes for love. I'm actually not sure how that ties in to this, but nonetheless, here goes, "What is the other official name of India?" I am not looking for Hindustan, which it is sometimes called, but is not an official name.

I'd like to vote in today's primaries, but I can't. I'm registered Independant, so I'm not allowed to have a say in who runs for a variety of offices. To vote today, a person has to be signed on to one of the two bulls*** parties that are either a) brimming with spiteful ideas or b) incapable of forming an idea. I don't want to pledge my support to either of these two parties, but I guess I'll have to if I want to if I wanna be able to vote in any primaries. I mean, I understand why you have to be registered in the party to vote in primaries (otherwise Republicans would come out en masse to vote for weak Dem candidates, and vice versa), but it seems like there should be another option. I really don't want to align myself with the ineffectual Democrats, and the day I register as a Republican is the day I want somebody to show up at quizzo with a gun and take me out of my misery.

So me and Palestra Jon went to Dark Horse for quizzo, and these three people were beside us, including this one Irish guy who kept yelling out answers, albeit wrong ones. Now sometimes, when people's wrong answers are funny, such outbursts are allowable. But when somebody is just obviously trying to be an ass****, if gets tiresome. The quizmaster tried, to no avail, to get him to stop. Finally, we got to a multiple choice question, and he shouts out one of the three choices. One of his teammates calls his name out, "Jimmy." He turns around, a big drunken grin on his face. "Hey Jimmy," I say loud enough for most people at the bar to hear. "Why don't you quit being such a F****** DOUCHEBAG?!!!" There was a sort of gasp from the crowd. The quizmaster goes, "Calm down, Johnny." The guy angrily responds, "I heard that." I mean, what, of course he heard it, I said it right to him. So for the rest of the night he kept turning around and staring holes into my head. I didn't return his glares. My object wasn't to get into a fight, it was to get him to shut the hell up. And it worked. He never shouted out another answer. Man, I think I've got a little bit of Bobby Badtimes in me!

Yop peeps, I finished up my European trip on Viriginia's Eastern Shore, and am gettin ready to cruise back to Philly. I am looking forward to seeing everyone again this week. It was a long week without you guys. I hope you had a good weekend, and we'll be back to our normal frivolity tommorrow.

Jesus Friggin Christ, I'm sick of this bulls***. It's already 11:00 a.m., and I ain't even had a drink yet. Anyways, I get to the Bards last night, and there's a bunch of friggin Penn students in their, bein' loud and obnoxious and almost certainly leaving s***** tips. I guess they all just graduated from Penn. Good for you. Now go be an account executive at daddy's firm and see if you can make enough money to buy a soul. Anyways, so I kicks dese punks out and we play the game and who really gives a two dollar damn. Somebody won, somebody lost, yadda yadda yadda. Oh yeah, and the team below, Guida and the Karaoke Kid, got the 2nd lowest score ever, finishing with a 10. And to be honest, I really think they were trying. It's my weekend, you scumbags. It's been real nice hangin' witchu this week. Vote in the new poll and tell me how much you liked me. Then I'll see ya in hell. My name is Bobby Badtimes. Beware my wrath!

Pestilence, famine, Magma choking. These are a few of my favorite t'ings. So you can imagine my happiness on Thursday night, when Magma blew a 10 point lead in round four and fell to EBO, 85-80. This game also provided one of the da funniest moments in quizzo history. I axed the question, "This Nazi, known as the Chief Executioner, was captured in Argentina in 1960." One of the girls on one of the teams looked at two of her teammates and said, in all earnestness, "Come on, you Jews!" You know what else is funny? Watching MAGMA cry in their beers, knowing that they're going to be verbally assaulted by the Jams in the comments section of this article.

Schindler's Fist won at da Black Sheep on Wednesday, like I give a s***. Seriously, if the team's dames aren't gonna run they hands tru my hair, then I got no use for em. Meanwhile, that dame below couldn't keep her hands off me. And who can blame her? I got class, baby. Dat's why broads love me. 'Cause I got class, somethin' you quizzo playin yokels wouldn't know nothin' about. I'll probably end up takin' that dame somewhere nice. Applebees, or maybe even Red Lobster. And if my dame wants a daquiri, she gets a daquiri, I don't care if you got 'em on the menu or not.

This team, whose name I can't think of, and isn't wort' getting off my ass to go find out, won at the Rendezvous on Wednesday, beating the Jams in overtime. They tried to make like they wasn't Jams and changed their team name. Thought they could trick old Bobby. Wrong, punks! I know who you is. And the team that won and that I don't care what their name is had a couple of broads that couldn't keep their hands off the permanent. And who can blame 'em? It's like runnin' your hand trew butta, baby. Butta.

These friggin clowns won at the Bards on Tuesday, but that was little consolation for the fact that they ain't been laid (collectively) since the Clinton years. "That's just not true," said Nate Bittersweet of da Kingdom. So I punched him in the face.

I mean seriously, you think I wanna spend my Friday morning writing some stupid story about a friggin quiz game? Get real. That nerd leader of you'se does it because he has no life. Well, I do! And I can't believe I gotta do this crap. So yeah, the Young and whatever won, and the dames at the O'Neals didn't ask me for my photo. What's wrong wit' dese broads?

My vacation through scenic Europe continued today, as I visited the Taj Mahal. I didn't even have time to change outta the clothes I wore yesterday! That's what happens when you travel all over Europe. Anyways, I was surprised that Mayor McCheese made an appearance in thus Hindu nation. I can assure you, it didn't go well. He was savagely beaten only moments after this photo was taken. Other than that, this part of the trip was great, although the appletinis aren't as good as they are in Egypt. I hope things went well with Bobby. He assures me that things are even better than I left them. That's great. Well, I'm looking forward to getting back to the states and seeing all of you next week. Boy, will I ahve some stories to tell!

Philadelphia is the city that should be most ashamed of the way it treated Barry Bonds, because they were the most hypocritical about it. This is a city that prides itself on loving athletes who do whatever it takes to win, and yet when an athlete comes in here that has done everything possible, within the rules of the sport, to make himself better, he gets roundly booed. Bonds would have been given a standing ovation by the fans of Philadelphia if their actions backed up their words. As it is, they are all just boorish jerks looking for an excuse to boo.

Barry Bonds did steroids. So what? So did Phillies pitcher Ryan Franklin, but you don't see Phillies fans booing him. At least, not until he starts pitching. And let's face it; was it not brutally obvious that Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were on the juice during that great chase of '98 that gave us all the fuzzies? So why does Barry not get treated like the star athlete that he is when he comes to Philly? Because he doesn't operate under a facade of niceness, b/c his p.r. people don't tell him to offer up a bunch of b.s. about "taking it one day at a time" and giving "110 percent"? You people always complain about how boring athletes are, then you get a guy who speaks his mind and you decide to hate him. Pathetic.

But what this really comes down to is the rules. Should Cy Young be villified b/c he was allowed to throw the spitball, which is now against the rules? No, so why should Bonds be villified for using steroids at a time when they were not only legal in baseball, but encouraged? It's obvious that McGuire woulda never hit all those homers and gotten all those endorsement deals without the help of steroids, so why should Bonds be treated any differently than McGuire? The fact that baseball encouraged steroid use is baseball's fault, not Bonds's fault. He saw an opportunity to improve his game, and make himself better and his team better. And he did so in a way that he knew could potentially hurt his own health. He did what all the great ones do: He put it all on the line to improve his game within the framework of the rules. And you people, who call yourselves baseball fans, booed him. You just don't know baseball.

My name is Bobby Badtimes. Beware my wrath!

Oh, you thought I was kidding when I told you there were sexy dames all over me this week? I don't lie, punks. So check out the evidence. I'm sure there will be even more dames rubbing their hands all over me tonight. I know you punks are jealous. You can like it, or you can hate it. But you better learn to love it.

Now, I know that the winning teams are wondering when they are going to get their pictures up. The answer? Whenever I feel like putting your f****** pictures up! It might be today, it might be tommorrow, it might be next week. I could care less about your team. I'm only interested in broads. You're just gonna have to deal with it.

I'm going to be giving away tix tonight to see the exceptionally funny Eugene Mirman at the Trocadero on Saturday night. You can read about the show on this week's A-List in Philadelphia Weekly. I treat you people better than Johnny does. You know it's true.
Related: Eugene Mirman's website.

Holy Cow! My tour of Europe continued today, as I toured the ancient pyramids of Egypt. Breathtaking! So much culture, such a rich history, such delicious appletinis! I tell ya, these bartenders here know how to make them. They say that they are inspired by Tutankhamen's own recipe! How cool is that? I hope things are going ok with Bobby. He says that "sexy dame" participation is at an all time high this week. I hope that continues when I get back. But let's face it, gals aren't as crazy about a guy when he doesn't have a permanent. Anybody got any suggestions for where I should visit manana? If so, type 'em below.

Hey, Bobby B. here. As you might suspect, the only creatures dat love me as much as women are kittens (you sick f**** were expecting a pussy pun here, weren't ya?). Anyways, I gets this email from the SPCA sayin't that they need your help. So give it to 'em, or face the consequences! Here's the deal. They got little kittens comin' in, and dey is catchin' diseases from cats with sniffles and colds. The kittens don't got a strong enough immune system to fight off the colds, and they die. What the SPCA wants is some people who can just take in a kitten for a week or two, until it's old enough and strong enough to fight off the cold. If you want more info on how you'se can help, or if you wanna adopt a pet, email Meghan at meghanfitz356@hotmail.com

Yeah, so I caught a little buzz last night. Big friggin' deal. The narkotyzing Dysfunktion thought it would be funny if they ordered me my favorite drink. A Boilermaker (Depth charge variety). MMM-MMM, was it delicious. And by delicious, I mean it was the worst drink I have ever had in my life. Thanks a lot, you knuckleheads. As you might imagine, the ladies were all over me last night.

No surprises there. I just can't tell if it's because of the permanent, or if it's my brusque charm. Probably both. To be honest, I did receive some boos last night, but I need even more. I don't think you people hate me enough. I'm gonna have to try harder.

Just one word to describe the view from the top of Everest: Awesome! This has always been a goal of mine, and this morning I said, "What the hell? Why not do it today?" Sweet! I hope everything went ok last night with Bobby. He told me that the women who played last night were all over him. That's great. Hey listen, I'm heading off to Africa this afternoon, so I'll send you a picture from there tommorrow. Bobby has to pick up my Spanish assignment, and by the time he's done hitting on my hot Spanish teacher and Aditi Roy, it'll probably be late afternoon. He'll talk a little about last night then, and he's promised me that he's going to make his case for his favorite player, Barry Bonds, on the website tommorrow. Hope everything is going well in the good ol' USA!

Back in October, we got a lot of really good responses as to whether or not W was the worst president ever. Well, the topic came up again recently when Rolling Stone magazine did an article about it. Pretty interesting article.

With Bobby Badtimes hosting quizzo this week, Johnny G. can enjoyed a well deserved vacation. Here he is enjoying the sights at the Eiffel Tower. "Bonjour! Boy, it sure is nice to have Bobby take over for a little while," said Goodtimes, "So that I can enjoy wine, women, and song in the city of eternal light, or love, or whatever it is."

What team did Babe Ruth play for at the end of his career?

Went to Soho Pizza (218 Market) last week with the lovely Ginger. I have always liked Soho. The pizza is good, the atmosphere is nice without being stuffy, and they serve ya quick. Usually I go for their BBQ chicken slices, but they didn't have them this time. So I decided on pineapple and bacon, just to piss off Palestra Jon when he read this. It was pretty solid. I then got a red slice with garlic, pesto, and no cheese. Uh, it was ok but I kind of think you need cheese to call it a pizza, so in hindsight it was a bad choice. I think I was just having a fat day, so I didn't get something else. The guy working behind the counter talked our ears off. He was nice enough, and he told us that the best place he had ever worked was Applebees, b/c he had an "under the table" deal going on. Though I don't think he was referring to the Applebees at 15th and Locust, I think they need to be investigated by the IRS anyway, just to be sure. Here was the lovely Ginger's take:

The crust was perfect, as it is every time I go. The environment is a pinch more upscale than your typical pizza joint, but still welcoming. The actual warming device is quite possible the most spectacular pizza oven in the city. Once I got past the oven, I realized that I could get a buzz-on simultaneously while chowing down on some on the finest pizza Philadelphia has to offer. Being a beer aficionado, I couldn’t help but be excited about the option of Chimay Blue with my slice. I just sat back and thought, “Wow, life is good.” Crust? Check. Sauce? Check. Cheese? Check. Slice size? Check. Two thumbs up wish I had a third. Oops—no we’re talking pepperoni’s, right? Let’s see. 3 and ¾. Just visit during the day, when the drunk a******* of old city aren’t lurking around, chanting, “doll face.” Bonus- Played a game of scrabble on a different trp there, dining al fresco. Scrabble and a slice…hakuna matata.
Yeah, the lovely Ginger gave it a 3 3/4, I think I'll give it a 3 1/2. Worth the trip to Old City. Oh, and rumor has it that the lovely Ginger is newly single, so if you want to impress her, take her to Soho, and order some beer that you're not sure how to pronounce. Ginger is a major beer snob. She told me that she met some guy last weekend who was gorgeous, and he asked her for his number. "So, you gave it to him, right?" I asked. "No, he was drinking the King of Beers, so I couldn't see a future with him."

Went to Phillies game last night, and sat next to a couple who were not only Giants fans, but who also had a sign which read, "We believe in you, Barry." The fans in my section were not pleased with these people. The man beside me, who was a bit older and balding, sat quietly as the fans chanted "Ro-gaine! Ro-gaine!" and also had to endure chants of "She's on steroids" aimed at his wife. The man made the mistake of standing up with his cardboard sign and then all hell broke loose. Somebody yelled something, then the man's wife yelled back, "Suck a d***!" Well, then this lady in front of her who had come with her kids started going nuts. Apparently it was ok for Phillies fans to scream obscenities, but not Giants fans. So now she and the GIants lady were screaming and the crowd was going absolutely wild. Security started flying in from all sides. The crowd began chanting, "Kick them out! Kick them out!" I thought they were kicking them out, so I told one of the security guards, "They've been taking a lot of s***."He said that they knew and that they were just going to move them to another section. The crowd, unaware of this, started singing the "shananana hey hey hey goodbye" song. Somebody dumped a beer on the dude, just because he had a freaking Barry Bonds sign. Philly sports fans, once again, jumped on the opportunity to make asses of themselves. It's one thing to chant. It's another thing to dump beer on somebody. Pathetic. Other than that, though, it was a great game. I've never seen a ball hit as high as the one Bonds hit. It was majestic, and for all the booing as we did all game, we certainly stood in awe of Barry's shot. The best sign I saw at the park? One which read "To boo list" then followed with a list of each of the following things checked off: "Santa, Kobe, Barry Bonds, Clubber Lang."

I will be hosting quizzo this week, and I'm going in with only one goal. I want, at the end of each of the six contests I host this week, to see at least one person in tears. Don't come to quizzo if you are expecting "good times", b/c there will none. I will be drinking too much, saying inappropriate things at precisely the wrong time, and throwing long, awkward, uncomfortable stares at you women. I will be cussing like a sailor. I implore you to not bring children to the bar. If all goes according to plan, I will punch at least two of you in the face by the end of the week.
Related: Don't Join Bobby on Myspace. He doesn't want you to.

The Citizens on Patrol lost a perfect game by one question on Thursday night at the bards, and nearly lost the contest, as they edged the Sofa Kingdom, 109-105. The only question they missed was, "Jeffrey Timmons was a member of what group, which had a hit with "Thank God I Found You?" Johnny found great comfort in the fact that a perfect score was prevented by his favorite group ever. Said Goodtimes, "They have not broken up. They're just on hiatus to pursue solo projects." Johnny added that the Nick Lachey solo album, being released on the 9th, is going to kick total ass. "It's going to be even better than Soulo."

There are rumblings coming from Bobby Badtimes camp. Major rumblings. The type of rumbling that makes you wonder if your cities infrastructure can handle what is coming next. Though nothing has been confirmed, rumor has it that you are going to be seeing more of Bobby Badtimes next week. A lot more! A whole lot more! Details coming on Monday!

The Fashionista Ninja Turtles won at the Good Dog on Thursday, then expressed that Johnny's latest ill-fated venture into the dating world will probably not result in positive results. "Yeah," said Marcos Ferdinand, "I've always found that discussing the sale of human bodies on the black market is not the best way to impress babes. But that's just me." The Ninja Turtles were, I believe, the first team to ever go from worst to first in one week, an impressive achievement.

Duane's World proved to be both Rico and Suave at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, and defeated the Satan's Minions, despite the fact that the MInions had a perfect round four. After the game, Duane wondered when in the heck Gerardo is coming out with his follow up album. "When I heard that song gasolina, I thought it might be him. But alas, no. Oh well, until then I guess I'll just keep watching the incredible dance moves in the Rico Suave video."

The Jams came out in full force on Wednesday night, and they needed every team member to edge MAGMA, 114-110. Had MAGMA answered the final question correctly (Where is the duodenum located?), they would have been the first visiting team to walk out of the Vous with a win over the Jams. But they answered large intestine instead of small intestine, and the Jams squeaked out the win. The Jams have also defeated the Champs and the Sofa Kingdom on their home turf. In other big news, Darth Ern joined forces with the Artist, the Philosopher, and the Engineer.

I'm going to be honest. I'm a little disappointed with my performance on the gayometer. I'm only 40% gay. I thought I was a little gayer than that. Anyways, take it yourself, and feel free to post the results below.

The Ottoman Empire dominated the field to win a 2nd straight Tuesday night quizzo at the Bards, then remarked that they might begin taking spanish class themselves, after seeing how attractive one of Johnny's teachers is. "Damn, Johnny, how the heck do you learn anything with a teacher that cute?" asked Famous Nathan Jackson of the Empire, to which Johnny replied, "I don't." Johnny's teacher is happily married, to which Goodtimes can only say, "No bueno."

It was a glorious return, as former O'Neals powerhouse the JGT All-Stars returned on Tuesday to retain their crown. But Johnny, who has recently gotten so self-absorbed it's not even funny, used the story of their win for his own devious purposes: to get more friends on his MySpace account. "Seriously, I've got 90 now. Ten more and I'll have 100. That would be way kool," said the quizmaster, who says that he checks every day for messages and new friends, which he thinks might be kind of pathetic, but he's not sure. When pressed, Goodtimes conceeded that MySpace still hasn't gotten him laid.
Related: Join Johnny on MySPace, b/c his self esteem depends entirely on you contacting him!

Me and D-Mac wen to Giovani's Pizza (15th and Chestnut) a couple of weeks ago, but I am just now filing a report. Anyways, Giovani's is one of those places where you walk in, place a quick order, and get the hell out of the way, but the staff isn't unpleasant about it. I got a couple of slices. The one that really stuck out was the Buffalo chicken slice. Now, if you get that one, you have to go Rochester style and get the Blue cheese. That...was a damn fine piece of pizza. Now, a lot of people are giving me a hard time b/c they say to truly judge a pizza I should only order cheese slices. That is absurd. While I do not penalize pizza places that do not have a lot of choices to offer (see Lorenzo's, South Street), I do think pizza places should get points for being creative. (See Mama Palma's). Anyways, here was D-Mac's take:
Yeah, it took me forever to remember to send this to you. Well, between my next-to-last place finishes in Quizzo and my nightly crying myself to sleep, I'm a busy man. But I thought Giovani Pizza was a pretty good place. The service is usually pretty fast and the pizza is usually pretty consistent. I think it's a little underrated. The
pizza's pretty cheesy, and not in the high school insult way, and it's a good ratio of cheese-to-sauce, crucial for any good slice of pizza. Plus, I truly give major props to any place where two slices and a Coke is exactly $5 -- none of that messy "change" business. Seacrest, out!
It gets 3 pepperonis. Try the buffalo chicken slice. Word.

I've had a ton of people ask me about the address to Tony's Pizza. It is 6300 Frankford Avenue. Yes, a bit of a trek, but well worth it. Also, the Man in Black is back. The Johnny Cash cover band will be playing as part of a cinco de mayo spectacular at Barrister's on friday night. In Anthony Dimeo news, this comes to us courtesy of my good friend D-Mac over at PhiladelphiaWillDo. Meanwhile, over at Philebrity, you can get a taste of the new Gnarls Barkley album. I like track number five. Alright, I gotta wipe away the cobwebs and get crackin' on this site. I got some quizzo results and a couple of pizza reviews coming soon. Oh, and about the 24 inch pythons in the picture above, a member of the JAMS brought in the actual ECW championship belt which he had won at a trivia competition recently, so I had to see what I would look like if I were a heavyweight wrestling champ. A champ who wears a lavender shirt.

Hey everybody, Johnny didn't see the last post so now he's texting me telling me to discuss the Flyers on the site. Like that's just what I want to do after last night's debacle. But hey, he's the celebrity, and I'm just living in his shadow so his will be done.
Man, what a courageous effort last night, eh? All that rhetoric about getting off to a fast start really came to fruition. But what can you do, Buffalo was the faster, better team, and they won. The big questions start now.

Johnny had to leave you all (or as he says when he remembers he's from Virginia, "y'all") for some sort of lucrative corporate gig this morning. And now he's off to take Spanish class. In the meantime he asked me to entertain you for a moment or two.

So what do we have in the news today? Did you see this one? Turns out a solid 1/3 of Americans 18-24 could not find Louisiana on a map of the United States. And if that doesn't haunt you, how about that 60% of those quizzed couldn't find Iraq on a map.

Don't worry, Johnny will returning later this afternoon and he will be back to being a true man of leisure.

- Trivia Art

It's fun to occasionally look at my web stats and find out what brings people to the website. For example, last month 85 people landed on johnnygoodtimes.com because they typed Bernadette Stanis into their search engine (the hottie from the show Goodtimes and former question of the week). 82 got here by typing in eazy e. I don't always believe this thing, though. For example, 73 people landed on my site after typing in Jesus. I can't imagine my site comes up real high on google when you type in "Jesus". 21 people got here by typing in Intercourse. Probably not what they were looking for. Other search engine requests that brought people to johnnygoodtimes.com in the month of April? Birthday spanking, tony toni tone, mexican police, claire huxtable, great asses, lazy sluts, von hayes devil, lay pipe, hitler personality quiz, stalin is good, eaten by a jellyfish, and wear your ass as a hat. Sounds about right.

Cinco de Mayo commemorates the victory of Mexican forces led by General Ignacio Zaragoza in what battle?

In a shocking announcement this morning, Juan Buenostiempos, Johnny's cousin from south of the border and a well known and respected entertainer in Mexico (he's won numerous Latin Grammy's), declared that his RPS days are over. "Yo estoy finito," said a disconsolate Buenostiempos, who actually won two matches last night. But it was his behavior in his second match, where he nearly ripped the arm off of a female contestant and threw her into a table ("El fue un accidente," said an apologetic Buenostiempos), that turned the crowd against him and prompted his retirement. When the crowd began jeering, Buenostiempos shot them a double bird. He said "Lo siento" after the match was over, but the damage was done. Buenostiempos will head back into the studio, and is expected to record a song about his experiences on the American RPS circuit. It will be muy bueno.

Bringing out the Gimp made another loud statement on Thursday night, winning at the Bards with a 50 in the final round. It was their 6th win in the last ten weeks, though they have slipped under the radar by using a different team name in each contest. After the contest, the team remarked how impressed they were that Johnny wasn't manipulating the current Anna Nicole Smith Supreme Court case as an excuse to post lewd photos of her on the website. "I think that Johnny has really matured," Matt Kuscinsko of the Gimps. Added Goodtimes, "Listen, this is a family website, and there is no room on it for raunchy photos of lascivous women. Not even Anna Nicole Smith."

MAGMA continued it's winning ways at the Good Dog on Thursday, crushing it's opposition. But the real sparks started flying after the contest, when the MAGMA squad hinted that it might be ready to take on the JAMS. "Yeah, we see that the Jams win just about every week at the 'vous, and we win most weeks at the Dog, so it might be time to go a little mano-a-mano," said Chill Rob A., who then admitted that he didn't know which language mano-a-mano comes from, "though I bet it's a romance language." The Jams, of course, have proved almsot unbeatable on their home turf, having beaten the Sofa Kingdom and the Champs in major challenges at the Vous already. More on this story as it develops.

Johnny's writing squad returned following a bitter pay dispute that left half of last week's stories undone until today. And only now, five days after it happened, is the story of the WTF's big win at the Black Sheep going up on the website. "If I was still writing my own site, this stuff would have been up days ago," said Goodtimes, who has turned what was once a one man show into a multinational monolith. "But what can I do? These guys are union."

George Bush got roasted this past weekend at the White House Correspondants dinner, including a double who acted as his conscious. It was pretty funny. Check it out here.

Jam Master Sean, local Rock Paper Scissors legend and quizzo host at the Dive, is turning the big 3-0 today. He will be celebrating by holding a littel RPS action at the Khyber. Come on out and party, then lose to me (I will be taking the title tonight) starting at 9 p.m.