February 2006 Archives

There was nothing fishy about the Furry Lap Flounders win at Havana on Monday night, as they took the lead early and held it throughout. Despite their win and the fact that they were really nice, they were not Johnny's favorite team. You get three guesses to find out which one was.

The Bojangles

Courtney's 21st Birthday

PMS

Hal from Cal

Roast Beef (aka the Meat Curtain)

Yes, there will be quizzo at O'Neals tonight, despite the fact that there will be a bunch of amateurs on the street celebrating Mardi Gras. Of course, all women that play tonight do have to show their boobs. Hey, that's not my policy. That just came down from corporate. Hope to see you there!

What is Florida Atlantic graduate Scott Thompson better known as?

The following report comes from former Defective Sidewalker Hilary Swankie, who is now an official JGT correspondant in Washington DC. She played DC quizzo last night. Here is her report:
So I went to "trivia night" last night. For starters, they call it trivia
night, not quizzo. I was with 2 former Philly people who were similarly
distraught about the lame name. It was completely disorganized, they had
three, I repeat, THREE, people hosting, checking answers, etc, there was no
music between rounds, their jokes weren't funny, and it was seven (and again I must repeat SEVEN) rounds. I could go on and on. Now, my team came in 3rd but if they were smart and made each round worth more points (which they should have because they got increasingly harder), we would have killed. But instead they were lame and not funny. Not saying I won't go back again but I will say, it ain't no Johnny Goodtimes quizzo.

Yep, it's time for the second annual "Everybody on the Website Week". So everyone who plays this week will get their picture taken and be on the site, even if your team scores like 37 points. Man, I hope the dude who played last year (above) comes back this week. Oh, and vote for me in the Philly Style Mag Thing. Tommorrow is the deadline.

Thanks for coming to johnnygoodtimes.com, your Grey's Anatomy headquarters. The women in the show were all total bitches last night. Meredith cried during sex that, I might remind the reader, she initiated (bitch move), and that one lady runs out on her fiancee right before he has heart surgery (total bitch move). McDreamy's ex-wife (now renewed) totally gets her comeuppance for her bitch move, and it looks like she is really gonna get it next week, when Meredith is gonna take her husband back from her. Izzy has the hots for some dude with heart issues, which is pissing off Alec, but it's not really a bitch move. He deserves it. What was he thinking when he cheated on her with that girl with the tiny mouth? Dumbass.

You know it's a slow news day when one of the top news stories at philly.com is about loitering. I hope that this article is the first in a five part series. "Tommorrow, come face to face with a man who double parked in South Philly." But back to loitering. I'm a big fan of loitering. I think it's a great concept. I mean, do we constantly have to be moving forward? Can't we take a few minutes to loaf, to loiter on the way there? In fact, I say we defy these do-gooders who want us to move more and contemplate less. I am declaring March to be National Loiterers Month. I hope you will join me in loitering as much as possible, if only for a few seconds, just to defy those who are trying to take away our right as Americans to loiter.

Dunno if you guys know who Mitch Hedberg is, but he's this hilarious comedian who died last year. I just stumbled across some of his great lines and thought I would share. Enjoy!
-Last night my friend drank 26 bottles of O'Douls... He is a non-alcoholic.
-I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
-I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
-I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
-I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
-I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
-I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
-I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"... so it died.
-Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
-Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
-A waffle is like a pancake with syrup traps. It says to the syrup "You ain't goin' anywhere!"
-A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
-The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

She liked the way his coarse workman's hands felt on her back, the way his English Leather cologne smelled as he held her oh so tight.
"Please don't go," he said, rubbing his hands against her vanilla soft skin.
"But Gunner, I have to go. You know it's thursday night and that we always..."
"Damnit, Marguaret" he shouted, releasing his strong grip and walking across the room. "Damn that quiz game! It's tearing us apart!"
"It's only once a week," she protested.
""Oh, am I supposed to withold my passion for you once a week so that you may play some stupid trivia game? Besides, you'll never beat the Sofa Kingdom. If you walk out the door, don't ever come back!"
His icy stare was cold, yet she could sense a warmness in it as well. Soft raindrops fell on the tin roof above. It-this mad love-was suffocating her. She wanted to run far away into the hills...and yet, at the same time, she never wanted to move again. Like a statue.

Ports R Us, a team of shadowy alumni of Washington Township High School, were able to take the cake at the Good Dog on Thursday night. The team members, who spend most of their free time lurking outside of the school in the foyer smoking cigarettes and telling girls how awesome they used to be at football, announced that they too are concerned by this strange flu bug. "Yeah, it's a sad day when we can't lurk outside of the school all day, talking about how much better things were when we went there and smoking cigarettes," said Smokey Thompson, who went back to his mom's house this morning after school closed early. "Yeah something like this happened back in '91, when we were state champs," said Turk Chutney, who had a job in sales in the late 90's, but who is now "just waiting for the right opportunity". "Of course I was able to play through that flu and still gain 248 yards in the semis."

Johnny's anncement that he's totally got the hots for Eve shook up the rap community, but they didn't shake up the Jams. "Listen," said Rich Kupchak, "Johnny may have impressed her with his rapping skills a few years ago(true story, swear to God-ed.), but that doesn't mean she's gonna give him a chance now. Do you know how much street cred she would lose if she dated a freaking quizmaster?" That's Johnny's point exactly. "Listen, it's one of those two different worlds things where she hangs out with cool black people and I hang out with nerdy white people and yet somehow we make it work." Johnny will keep you up to date on his quest to land a date with Eve as it develops. Or,more likely, as it fails to develop.

Do not open your own casino unless you hire Quincy Jones or Bon Jovi to pimp it first! That's the message Philly sent yesterday by arresting an illegal casino. Because remember, when it's sanctioned by the city, it's fun, but when it's privately run, it's evil. (Yeah, yeah, yeah, untaxed revenue, yada yada.)

I'll post victory stories this afternoon, but in the meantime, I stumbled across this yesterday and it's really an incredible story of a guy who rode his lawnchair 16,000 feet into the sky just for the hell of it in 1982. I think you're gonna enjoy it.

This story rules! Alright, 19 year old dude runs for town council under the platform of "Less police officers". A month after he loses, he robs a bank. He's caught, then he escapes from the courthouse and disappears in Harrisburg. Let's take these facts one at a time. First, did he run for city council in the hopes that he would get the police force reduced, and then rob the bank with a 50% less chance of getting caught? If so, this guy is a freaking genius. I guess after the loss, he was like, "Screw it. I'm robbing the bank anyway." So he does it, gets caught, and then figures out an escape plan, complete with getaway car (getaway cars rule!) And he's 19 years old? I don't like to use the phrase wunderkind, but that's what we may have here. Then he flees to the state capital. Will he try, against all odds, to revive his career there by giving an impassioned address on the capital floor, a la jimmy Stewart in "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington"? Stay tuned!

Alright, peeps, here's the video I sent into the 10! to get selected. Got to give mad props to my man D-Mac for recording this and making it digital. If you were a little bit on the fence as to whether or not I was a dork, I think this tape should settle that. Enjoy!

Per the last bit for those who don't know: the previous host of the show, Lauren Hart, left the show for a singing career.

The Sofa Kingdom knocked off rival Narcotizing Dysfunktion at the Bards on Tuesday night, then announced that they are gonna start working at a meat packing plant. "Yeah, if you do the math, you'll see that only one group of people has ever won a $365 million Powerball game, and they are meat packers," said team mathematician Garbo Pittsnogle. "That works out to a 100% success rate. That means that once we start packing meat it will only be a matter of time before we win the dang thing." Adds Swannie Lynnwood, "Besides, how bad could it be? I mean, you shoot the thing in the head, you rip it's guts out, you put it on a meat hook and then Rocky punches it. No big whoop."

For the first time in JGT quizzo history, both the first and 2nd place finishers were one player teams, as Palestra John (left, playing under the name George and Osama's Port Security Company) finished first with an incredible 104 and Parsnip Cabbagepaw broke a tie breaker with the JGT All-Stars to finish 2nd. They weren't the only record breakers, either, as Mike and Ike (below) finished in a place other than last for the first time in team history (they finished next to last). It wasn't a joyous night for ever yone, though. Perennial powers the Young, the Old and the Restless finished with a humiliating 59.

Parasitic won the first ever quizzo at Johnny's grand experiment at Havana in New Hope. Things could have gotten ugly, as there were at first only seven people there, but thankfully a table of fifteen walked in and split up into three teams (Parasitic was one), and it ended up being pretty fun. While Johnny is somewhat of a household name to the nerds of Philadelphia, it's gonna be interesting to see how things work out outside of the old comfort zone. It's good though, because it is a reminder of how tough it was to get this thing rolling at first (I used to troll around Old City, trying to convince people to play at Nick's Roast Beef). Yes, this story did just sway from the third person to the first person. You can handle it.

I'm going back to espagnol class after a layoff, so I'm not gonna be posting until the afternoon. In the meantime, enjoy this quote from figure skater Johnny Weird. "I know that a lot of people, especially the more Republican-style people, are very afraid of what I mean to the sport and what I’m going to say, what kind of revolutionary, crazy things are going to come out of my mouth. And good for them. They should be scared." Revolutionary, huh? Did Che ever dress like a giant chicken?

First the Austrians arrest a man for thinking he had a right to free speech, then the Germans have the nerve to arrest a man who came into the police station with a nearly half-pound bag of weed to complain about the fact that he had bought bad pot. I mean, for the love of God, you can't even bring a giant bag of shake into a police station and demand that the police stop this schwag seller before he rips off somebody else w/o getting arrested yourself. It's madness, I tell you. I just hope George Bush puts some pressure on the Germans to let this man go and go after the dealer of the brown frown. Because when you let dirt sellers go free, the terrorists win.

For those of you who missed my appearance on the 10! show a few weeks ago, here is a chance to see the most incredible moment on the show, and one of the most incredible moments in live tv history...when Bill Henley complimented Miss America on her box. There were some other decent moments as well, and I'm hoping to get some video up on this website in the near future.

Jeanne Calment was born on February 21, 1875. When she died, she had the longest confirmed life span of any human being ever. How old was she? (That's her above, giving the Four Horseman salute).

Don't know if you've seen this story, but it's pretty big over in Europe right now. A discredited bigot is being sent ot jail for three years for being, well, a bigot. David Irving, a revisionist historian who has tried to paint a brighter side of Nazi Germany, was jailed for three years in Austria for denying that the Holocaust ever happened. Now, while jailing someone for their beliefs would hardly ruffle a feather in say, Nazi Germany, what makes this scary is that it's happening in Austria. In case you were wondering, Austria is a democracy. Is there any possible argument that this guy deserves jail time for being an idiot? Should people who don't think that man landed on the moon be imprisoned? I mean, there is overwhelming evidence that it happened, just as there is overwhleming evidence that the Holocaust happened. Should the cartoonist who drew the Mohammed cartoon be imprisoned? After all, his cartoon insulted a lot of people of a major religion, just as Irving did. Of course not. So not only has Austria pulled a fascist style move and jailed a man for his beliefs, but they have also turned a fringe historian who nobody took seriously into a martyr for anti-semites all over the world and given this idiot a platform for his despicable beliefs.

Hey, I'm stealing this one from my man Dan over at Blinq. It's a website that tells you what song was #1 on the Billboard charts the day you were born. For me, it's "Fire" by the Ohio Players. I'm kool with that. Dudes had like the hottest album covers ever (OK, besides Herb Albert's "Whipped Cream".)

Well, yet another joyous President's day is before us, and knowing that we have one of the best ever in office right now just sends goosebumps up the spine. But we have to think about the ones who came before him. Let's start off with a compendium of little known "facts" about each president that are pretty hilarious. Of course it's important that we honor our fourteen lost presidents today as well, the unfortunate souls who led our country when all we had was those crappy Articles of Confederation (I mean, seriously, who's brainchild were they?) And let's not forget my main man, David Rice Atchison (above), prez for a day. Oh, and more importantly, Grey's Anatomy was really good last night. I think I wrote it off a little too soon. But Desperate Housewives is really getting boring. I mean, seriously, when your entire plotline is about babysitting, it's time to re-evaluate.

I knew that Rita's had expanded out as far as Lancaster, but I had no idea...Thanks to Barry for sending this in.

Johnny will be starting a quizzo in New Hope on Monday, February 20th! The quizzo is gonna be at the Havana bar. I was pretty determined not to host something that far away, but I went there and the bar is just incredible, so I figured I would give it a shot. Kickoff is 7 p.m. Have a great weekend everybody.
In Case You Missed It: Bobby Badtimes goes off the Richter.

Standing by the Bathroom was able to overcome their nosebleed seats to take the victory at the Bards on THursday night, but were fuming mad after the contest. "What the hell is going on here?" Katie Coffey screamed after the contest. "Where was the bus that was supposed to get Johnny Weir to the freaking arena?" Added a livid Chadworth Cartwright, "How is Johnny supposed to bring his a-game when the freaking bus delivers him to the arena 47 minutes before the contest? Don't these stupid Italian bus drivers know that Johnny needs 50 minutes just to apply his make-up, and another 30 minutes to apply his sequins? Freaking axis powers."

The Republican's Dick Shot a Guy In the Face came from 13 down in Round Four to knock off defending champs Axis of Evil Knieval, who missed the final three questions to bow out of the winner's circle. TRDSAGITF then announced that they will be vanishing from the earth on December 12, 2012 at 11:11 a.m. with Darren Daulton (and possibly Von Hayes). "Yeah", said Brian van Hilton, "We've decided to live outside of our five senses and to enter the fourth dimension. Hey, if it's good enough for Dutch, it's good enough for me!"

The Satan's Minions won at the Black Sheep Wednesday, then lied about how many sex partners they've had. "I've had like 87," said Jeff Clausterhoffen. Meanwhile, the two ladies on the team both stated that they had never had sex. "We're women, we don't do that kind of thing," said Janice Redenbacher. Added Jeff, "Make that 89. I forgot about that menage e trois with those two Swedish models in Las Vegas." Jeff then clapped high five with the other guys on the team, who both claim to have had sex with over 75 women.

Well, after careful consideration, I have decided on what I think are the worst love songs of all time. I expect there to be debate in the comments section. Also, be sure to vote in the new poll (right side of page). Here they are:
1. My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion. There is really no question that this is the worst love song ever. I don't ever have suicidal tendencies, but when Celine hits that high note late in the song, I start to stare longingly at my Ginsu knives.

2. Muskrat Love by Captain and Tenille. The sound of muskrats, uh, loving, by means of a synthesizer midway thru the song, ended the "Age of the Synthesizer". I mean really, when was the last time you heard a song with a synthesizer breakdown? Not since Captain and Tennille used it to simulate rodents f******.

3. You're Having My Baby by Paul Anka. "You're having my Baby. What a wonderful way to show me that you love me." Listen, if there are any women out there who love me, please Do NOT show me by having my baby.

4. There'll Be Sad Songs by Billy Ocean. It was such an emotional roller coaster with Billy. First he comes out with Caribbean Queen, and I'm like, "This guy rocks." Then he comes out with "There'll Be Sad Songs", and I'm like, "This guy sucks". Then he comes out with "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car," and I'm like, "Damn, if we were like the Greeks and had gods for everything, he would be the God of Kicking Ass and Getting Laid."

5. I Will Be Right Here Waiting For You by Richard Marx. If wherever I go, whatever I do, Richard Marx is right there waiting for me, I'm calling the cops.

6. Broken Wings by Mr. Mister. Hmmm, more of a "let's get back together" song than a love song, I suppose, but it's soft and slow and is just so f****** awful I needed to add it to the list. "And when we hear the voices sing, The book of love will open up, And let us in." REMAIN CLOSED, Book of Love! Listen to me! You must remain closed!

7. Teen Angel by Mark Dinning. This song is so awesomely bad that it's actually kind of good. See, the teen lovers car stalls on a railroad track. Fortunately, they are ok. Great, a happy ending, right? Not so fast. Suddenly the girl completely loses her freaking mind and heads back to the car as a train is coming. She climbs inside the car and THWACK, next thing you know her brains are splattered all over the tracks (that's a bit of an embellishment by me, not really found in the song, but come on, she got hit by a freaking train!) So now he sings to her in heaven. Amazing.

8. I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight by the Cutting Crew. What can you say about the Cutting Crew that hasn't already been said? After all, "They suck" has already been said thousands of times.

9. I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) by Meatloaf. OK, I give up. What WON'T Meatloaf do for love?

10. The Glory of Love by Peter Cetera. Any glory that came with love was destroyed by Peter Cetera. "Just like a knight in shining armor, from a long time ago". As opposed to one of the more contemporary knights in shining armor.

Johnny is working on his ten worst love songs of all time. He will be posting them later today. Also, be sure to pick up a copy of today's Metro and read the interview with JGT.

Looks like somebody has been taking writing lessons from ol' Bobby Badtimes. This is a pretty freaking hilarious entry of what being in rock band is really like (I mean I did, after all, open for Super Diamond, so I know a little something about the rock 'n' roll lifestyle) from the bass player for Philly funk band The Blue Method. He's talking about a venue in NYC. Here's a sample:
And you would think that a band that agreed to play for five f*** hours on a saturday night in the middle of a blizzard over an hour from home would get some kind of billing out front on the giant, mostly vacant marquis but, tragically, you'd be wrong.
We stepped in to see that the "stage" and "backline" were not quite what we expected. The stage was so small, we literally couldn't fit on it. A bunch of equipment had to be situated on the floor in front of the stage, and we all had to stand in specific positions all night in order to a.)avoid causing the "sound system" from grossly feeding back due to the lack of a competent sound man, or rather, any soundman, and b.)keep from wacking each other in the head with headstocks, microphones and other instruments.

Thanks to Alec for sending this in.

The Jams won a close one at the Vous on Wednesday, but their happiness was short lived. On the walk home, they swung past this payphone (below), and were shocked by what they found. Said Doug Fresh, "We had all thought that Chase Millionz was THE s***, so to discover that he ain't s*** was a shock to us all." The phone company tells us that they did not place that sticker on the payphone (located at 17th and Spruce), and that some outside party was the culprit. Phone calls to Chase Millionz were not returned. Rumor has it that the culprit was his former rap partner Lawst Thousandz, though this cannot be confirmed.

Yo peeps. I did a story about curling that appears in this week's edition of the City Paper. If you're too lazy to run out and pick up a copy, you can read it here.

The Sofa Kingdom was finally able to get it's head out of it's collective ass on a Tuesday night, as they ran away with the competition at the Bards on Tuesday night. The erstwhile juggernaut, which had not been able to pull off a Tuesday win in forever, aced the final round en route to a 113 point performance. Said Koob Lover, "This was important for us, Johnny. Coming in here and being stupid every Tuesday was starting to take a toll on our psyches."

Bobby Badtimes backed up his claim that he's a ladies man at O'Neals on Tuesday, as Hey Bobby, I'm Looking for a Bad Time, Please Call 215-681-5461 edged out If They're Republicans, Why Don't They Use Elephant Guns, 109-107. "This is so typical," Bobby said after the contest. "It's probably some girl with a really nice boyfriend who treats her well and buys her flowers and chocolates and s***. Well listen here fellas, that ain't what ladies want. What ladies really want...is a walk on the Bob side. Wooooooooo!"

Have you guys seen the fruitcake lady? If not, I highly recommend you watch this (it's sort of PG-13 in the language dept., so I guess it depends on where you work as to whether or not it's safe). Thanks to Hope for sending it in.

Aw, isn't it just the cutest holiday of the year? The day where every man in America, if only for a second, thinks about taking a flamethrower to the house of their ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend. And where every female thinks, "S***, I guess I gotta give it up tonight just because he bought me a $2 card and took me out to eat at Applebees" (15th and Locust, now hiring!) Yep, I do love Valentine's. Nothing like socially forced sentimentality to say, "I love you."

I was at a dinner party a few weeks ago where I was quoted as saying, "I won't stop hating Dick Cheney until the day he shoots a Republican lawyer in the face." I'm at the Dollar General now, purchasing incense for my new shrine.

Hey Philadelphia Metro (We're just like the USA Today, only s****ier), nice job posting Philly's best quizzoes. I was surprised you didn't include Gervase's.

Hey Gervase. Seriously dude, it's over. Just...I'm sorry, I really liked you in Survivor, but it's over, dawg. Let it go.

Hey Muslims. Seriously, just calm the f*** down. You're behaving like "Dwayne" in the 700 level when Ronde Barber returned that INT for a touchdown in the 2002 NFC championship game. Don't you understand the concept of freedom of...wait, what? They burned down a McDonald's? Carry on, then. Carry on.

Hey guys with girlfriends. You think you're all hot s***, walking around town, holding hands and kissing and all. Well hey, you remember last week when your girlfriend ran out to "get some milk?" She wasn't getting milk, brother. No, she was running her hands through the ol' Bobby Badtimes permanent ($35 at the unisex salon in Upper Darby). To be the man, you gotta beat the man. Wooooooooo!

Hey figure skating. Look me in the eyes when I tell you this. YOU...F******...SUCK. The only thing that could make me watch figure skating is if they started releasing live bulls onto the ice during the programs. Angry, deadly, hungry bulls.

My name is Bobby Badtimes. Beware my holiday wrath!!!

Members of whose gang were shot and killed in the St. Valentine's Day massacre?

Reading the worst love poem ever written.

Johnny is looking to play only the saddest breakup songs and worst love songs of all time at quizzo, and he needs your help! Please submit the best of the worst you wanna hear. Every woman who plays quizzo this week will have at least one Valentine this year, as Johnny will be giving away Valentine's to all female players (and Apollo Anton Ohno, if he shows up. What, I can't appreciate another man's hair?). Here's a site with angry letters from people who hate Valentine's day.

Well, the stupidest holiday in the history of the freaking world is almost here (Bobby Badtimes will have more on that topic tommorrow), and you're probably wondering what to do about it, because you can't just sit home and watch tv, b/c the tube is just going to be filled with commercials about diamonds that make you get all teary eyed and yet furious at the same time. You know what you need? Booze. Lots and lots of booze. Fortunately, there are some great booze themed events going on in the next couple of days. First of all, the PSPCA is having a Puppy Love Party tonight at the Devil's Alley (19th and Chestnut). Tix are $35 but that pays for all your booze and hors d'ouvres. Now I know what you're thinking. "Johnny, the last time I went to a party near Rittenhouse where I spent a flat fee for food and booze, I ended up throwing bottles at the wall and stealing artwork." Well, gang, that won't be happening tonight, and the proceeds go towards helping the animals. Oh, and there are supposedly going to be Philadelphia Eagle cheerleaders there. After that, you can head over to the Walnut Room (1709, uh, Walnut) to check out Wang Newton at 10 p.m., who promises to be your valentine. Now for Valentine's Day itself. First of all, it's going to be a Valentine's Day Sucks Quizzo spectacular (which we will be extending all week). Johnny will be playing the saddest and worst love songs ever between rounds, and he needs your help. Please let him know what your favorite breakup songs and the worst love songs ever are and he will play them. Finally, what could be better than staring at your beer, on the verge of tears, wondering why that Eagle cheerleader wouldn't give you her number last night, and at the same time listening to Johnny Freaking Cash live! Well, that's impossible, because Johnny Cash is dead, but damn if David Stone doesn't do a fine impersonation of him. And he's gonna be rocking at Barrister's Bar and Grille (1823 Sansom Street) starting at 10 p.m. on V-Day.

A crowd of 80 made the trek to the Franklin Institute to participate in the first ever quizzo at the Fels Planetarium, and if they had half as much fun as I did, they came away pretty pleased. The Sofa Kingdom (below), despite having to split the team up, came away with the victory at the science themed event, but it was probably the between round action that was most exciting. The wild images displayed on the roof between rounds was sweet, and having the stars on the ceiling as we did the round on Astronomy was pretty incredible. All in all, one of the funnest nights of quizzo I've ever hosted. I really hope to do another one there sometime. Thanks to everybody who made it out!

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Thursday, then had to admit that Olympic speedskater Apollo Anton Ohno (below, right) has a great head of hair. "Listen," said Swanson McSweeney, "I'm as straight as a dadgum cowboy, but damn if those aren't some dreamy curls." Added Koob Lover, "You are really going to have a hard time finding someone as ungay as I am, but would I like to run my hands through Ohno's hair just once? Sure I would." Nate Fingerchimes piped in, "A teammate once patted me on the butt after I hit a home run in softball, and I turned around and clocked him in the face. That's just how ungay I am. But I'd love to know what kind of conditioner he uses."

After shooting a good friend while on a hunting trip, Dick Cheney's insatiable blood lust turned to the Good Dog, where he gunned down one of the members of The Axis of Evil Knieval, still celebrating 48 hours after their big win. "Yeah, Dick just came in screaming 'Kill whitey' and started shooting," said Debbie Duzz of the Knieval. Teammate Franz Fredrickson is said to be in serious yet whimsical condition.

Michelle Kwan made a crucial mistake on Wednesday, as she tried to hold practice at the Black Sheep immediately following Duane's World's impressive blowout victory. "I don't know what the hell she was thinking," said Duane's World member Stu Duane. "I mean first of all, the place was packed, so skating around everyone had to be difficult, and secondly, the floors are made of wood, not ice, which makes ice skating really difficult. It's a miracle she didn't break her neck." She did, however, injure her groin, an injury that will keep her out of Olympic competition.

The Jams dreams of a perfect game were almost achieved at the Rendezvous, as they missed only one question, one about former Ram QB Kurt Warner. "Damn him!" said Mike Moonbeam of the Jams. "Damn that Kurt Warner! Oh well, he's got it worse than I do. He married that 50 year old chick with the crew cut back when he was bagging groceries, and then had to stick with her when he became a superstar. If you ask me, he's the real loser here."

Related: OK, fair enough, so they actually have a really nice love story but I am far too bitter to be enjoying really nice love stories.

Hey gang, just a last reminder that you can check out a little science quizzo and some wacky special effects at the Fels Planetarium tonight at 9 p.m.. Should be a lot of fun, and again, the answer is yes, they do have a bar. If you do wanna just play quizzo, then just tell them you are there for secret cinema and you can get tix for $3, which gets you access to both quizzo and secret cinema. But my suggestion would be to pay the extra cash, since you are gonna be in there anyway, and check out the rest of the museum and Body Works. And yes, most questions will be science related, but science is a very broad term.
Related: Johnny to perform at Planetarium.

Well, the longstanding media conspiracy against Johnny Goodtimes continues, as the Philadelphia Metro lists the best places to play quizzo, and none of Johnny's spots are included. The New Deck, however, does make an appearance, as do Roosevelt's, Fergie's, and Bridget Foy's. It looks like it's back to the drawing board for Goodtimes, who has to find some way to make his quizzo more acceptable to the mass media. There are rumblings of a Bobby Badtimes appearance in time for Valentine's Day, so I'm sure he'll have something to say about this. If you are disgusted by this glaring omission (I mean, seriously, Roosevelt's?), please feel free to contact the writer, Chris Cipriano, at chris.cipriano@metro.us. And yeah, I'll give a $15 gift certificate to the Good Dog to whoever writes the funniest letter to the editor (just cc it to johnny@johnnygoodtimes.com).

Don't know if you saw this already, but it's pretty funny. Steve Colbert rips West Philly, then blasts Chaka Fattah. Thanks to Stacie for sending this in.

Though my dislike for Philadelphia magazine is fairly well documented (fifth letter down), I do have to admit that I have long enjoyed the musings of one of their regular contributors. For several years, Jessica Pressler was the author of "Pressler's Miscellany" in the Philadelphia Weekly, an irreverent column in which she made fun of Philadelphia celebrities and carried on an unhealthy obsession with Neil Stein. Pressler ruffled quite a few feathers last summer when she wrote her infamous "6th Borough" article for the New York Times. The Massachussettes native currently writes a humourous column about relationships for Philadelphia magazine, and still does some freelance work for the Times.

1. If you could have dinner with any 2 philly celebrities from the past or present, who would they be and why?
If it was like a long meal with
appetizers and dessert, I'd definitely want to hang with Lee Daniels
and Patti LaBelle. They seem like a lot of fun. I bet if you got them
like really liquored up they'd tell you all kinds of scandalous
gossip. That Lee Daniels is a mouthy little queen, and Patti's been
around so long I'm sure she just doesn't give a f*** what she says. I
mean that in the best possible way.

2. What musical artist or song do you have in your collection that you are a little bit ashamed of?
I guess I should be ashamed of having the
Thong Song on my I-tunes, but f*** it, I'm totally not. It's one the
best odes to the female posterior ever written, and you can dance to
it. Whither Sisqo now? I guess when Hot in Herre came out everyone
forgot about him. Which is not really fair. When you think about it,
Sisqo was ROBBED by Nelly. ROBBED.

3. If you could be on any reality show, which one would you want to be on?
MTV's Made, which is the best show ever. Right now they only do
teenagers but I think they should start a version for mid-twneties
career changers. I'd be like, 'Hi, when I was a kid I wanted a career
in international relations, but somehow at 28 the closest I've come to
this is a newspaper story that called Philadelphia New York's next
borough. What the f*** happened? I want to be MADE." And then MTV
would get me some fabulous gay coach from the Carnegie Endowment that
would quiz me about sustainable development and s***. Of course, like
that model from Temple who is STILL a waitress at Coffee Shop,my
career in diplomacy probably wouldn't really work out. But I figure
I'd have a chance at getting a spinoff series in which I would live in
a house with Richard Holbrooke and Brangelina. The White House.

4. Speaking of reality shows, you recently did an article for Philadelphia magazine about Gervase. Does he have any discernible talent, or is his greatest asset simply existing?
Gervase has sustained his career as the Survivor also-ran for SIX
years. I don't know if talent is what he has, but he's definitely got
that combination of savvy and shameless that is all you really need to
succeed...in Philly. He's working it, man, and he brings home more
than you or I.

5. What's your favorite restaurant in Philly?
The food at Amada is awesome but I've had really weird unfriendly
service every time I've been there, and they have a tendancy to play
crappy house music. Abyssinia in West Philly is my favorite place
forever, and I also have very warm feelings about Saad's down the
street from there.

Hey gang, a couple of announcements about the quizzo at the Franklin Institute on Friday, First of all, if you only wanna play quizzo and not check out the rest of the museum, you can purchase a $3 ticket to secret cinema and play quizzo (and, of course, be able to see the movies). Also, in answer to a question a lot of you people have been asking me, YES, THEY WILL HAVE A BAR. Okay, I think that last sentence probably doubled the size of our crowd (you boozehounds!)

Martin Nuzzletit came from behind to defeat the Sofa Kingdom in what has become their achilles heel-overtime. The team has lost like five straight times when matches go into an extra frame. After the match, Martin Nuzzetit could not stop talking about Keith Urban's upcoming performance at the Grammy's. "Man, this is gonna be awesome!" said Sally Smothers of MN. "I hope he plays, 'Better Life'." Johnny hopes Urban catches on fire during the ceremony.

It was about dadgum time for the one time juggernaut known as the JGT All-Stars, as the team won for only the third time in the past four months. The team, which hails from Arkadelphia, celebrated the win with coffee at the Arkadelphia Chamber of Commerce on Wednesday (as scheduled). Said team member and Arkadelphia native Brian "Boy" Tonno of the reception they received at this morning's coffee social, "People in Arkadelphia haven't been this excited since ol' Marvin bagged that catfish."

I have finally found the perfect news article. It has everything: a town called Arkadelphia, CPR on a drowning chicken, and the use of the word "dadgum" in the story. "I breathed into it's beak, and it's dadgum eyes popped open." So that gave me the notion that we needed a word of the week. Therefore, I am incorporating "dadgum" as our word of the week. Please try to use it in a sentence when speaking with me for the rest of the week. Also, feel free to post a good news headline with the word "dadgum" in the title. Here's a few to start: Muslims Flip Out Over Dadgum Cartoon. I'll Be Dadgum If Gretzky's Wife Weren't Betting On Hockey.

Hey gang, I already told you a little something about the event this weekend. Well, here's some more info. FIrst of all, here's a schedule of events (though I will not be entertaining from 7 p.m. to 2 a.m. I'll be on from 9-11) and here's the pricing for the weekend. There's also gonna be a concert on Saturday night at the Planetarium. Looks like a really neat weekend all around.

Ramon Mercader was born on February 7th, 1914. Who is he best known for killing?

The Sofa Kingdom won on Thursday, but that didn't silence their critics, who say that the team is simply a one trick pony, a team that can only win on Thursdays. "I mean, look at the evidence," said Sofa Kingdom critic Tom Couch. ""This is a team that falls to pieces on Tuesdays and then salvages meaningless Thursday wins. This team can simply not handle the pressure of a Tuesday night." The Kingdom has not reigned supreme on a Tuesday since mid-December.

The Dirty Donkey Punching Sanchez's won a close one at the Good Dog on Thursday, then watched as Johnny tried to keep the site family friendly while at the same time repeatedly typing Dirty Donkey Punching Sanchez's. "Yeah, this one is a real challenge," said Goodtimes. "Maybe just a pic of a donkey covered in mud woulda worked, but then how to explain the 'Sanchez' part of the name? This is a pickle." The Dirty Donkey Punching Sanchez's went to Senor Rattler's after the contest.

Hey guys, this looks really awesome. On friday night, I will be hosting quizzo at the Franklin Institute, in the Fels Planetarium. In between rounds, they will be showing really wild, trippy images on the dome, so be sure you take a lot of acid before you arrive. Ha ha! I'm kidding! Sort of. But seriously, this looks like a lot of fun and will be a little different than our normal quizzoes. The whole thing is a celebration of the heart on the weekend before Valentine's. I'll probably have a lot of questions about science, so a lot of the answers I have will probably be wrong, since I don't know anything about science. Ha ha! I'm kidding! Sort of. Here's the press release. I actually get started at 9 p.m., not 7, and I will be going until 11 or so, not until 2 am.

Yeah, sorry i'm late. Just got back from Virginia. I'm kind of wiped out, so I'll be back in action tommorrow. Hope you enjoyed those crappy ass Super Bowl commercials. Oh, and more importantly, Grey's Anatomy jumped the shark. More on that tommorrow. Peace out-JGT.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's here. Johnny's special day. In lieu of gifts, Johnny is asking that you send roses. Lots and lots of roses. Cutest moment of the day: My mom just called and had her 3rd grade class sing me "Happy Birthday."

In a touching display at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, Mike MInion (2nd from left) honored Johnny Goodtimes by wearing a sweater that was the same color as Johnny's tuxedo shirt on Sunday. "Wow," said Johnny, his eyes brimming with tears. "What a touching tribute. I really thought that that tuxedo would set the color 'apricot' back twenty years, but I guess I was wrong. To know that I could inspire others to wear that color...Wow is really all I can say." The Minions had an impressive come from behind victory, edging out Dwayne's World for the win.

1022 won for the first time since last April, then talked about how great they thought this month's edition of Philadelphia Magazine. "Yeah, I thought the article they did about conspicous consumption by the most disgustingly pretentious bourgeoisies*in the area was really thought provoking," said Dusty Flair of 1022. "That's what great journalism is all about, and that's what this city is all about."
Rumor: Johnny to have letter to the editor in the upcoming Philadelphia Weekly blasting Philly Mag.
*uh, not exactly sure how to pluralize it

The Narcotizing Dysfunktion further facilitated Sofa Kingdom's descent into the abyss, edging the once mighty Kingdom, 100-99 at the Bards. The Dysfunktion then made a startling admission. "Yeah, we didn't understand why Son of the Mask was nominated for so many Razzies," said Charlotte Weber of ND. "I mean it had everything I like in a film: action, Jamie Kennedy, and computer animated babies."
"In the five years I’ve been co-hosting this show, this is the closest I’ve ever come to walking out halfway through the film, and now that I look back on the experience, I wish I had." -Richard Roeper

Johnny Goodtimes was seen shopping for duelling pistols at Wal Mart recently, after receiving the following e-mail from a member of the Young, the Old, and the Restless.
After recruiting a new member to our team The Young, The Old & The
Restless from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Law School, and
achieving a team win for the 4th time in 5 straight weeks (a 1 point
loss resulting in a second place finish the exception), imagine my
embarrassment at the snub of having our picture and impressive stats not
displayed on JohhnyGoodTimes.com. If this is indeed an intended slight,
then my honor has been questioned and I challenge you sir to a duel to
the death (weapon of your choice). -Owen
Johnny is widely admired for his marksmanship, and most experts agree that Owen has made a fatal error.
Related: The Code Duello

Here's a little bit more background the weekly double in round three of the Quizzo Bowl (What do the three stars on the Steelers helmets stand for?) Another quizzo tie- in? John Rooney of the Peanut Butter Bumpers (far right in photo) is related to the Rooney's who own the Steelers! No kidding! And vote in the poll for who you think is gonna win the Super Bowl.

The Hungry Hungry Hebrew is making history this week, becoming the first person to ever compete in both Quizzo Bowl and Wing Bowl. His team, Wormser's A Real Whiz At Aerodynamics, finished an impressive 6th at Quizzo Bowl, which really isn't all that surprising, considering that Triple H was a 3 time winner on Jeopardy in 2001. He made his entry into Wing Bowl by eating two pounds of gefilte fish, which you can learn more about by clicking here. But he's in Wing Bowl for more than just the glory. He's also raising donations for an organization he started with other young Philadelphians, including former Eagle Cecil Martin, called Brotherly Love for New Orleans, and he is asking people to donate money for each wing he eats tommorrow. Here are his five questions:
1. What's your favorite restaurant in Philadelphia?
Old Original Bookbinder's and Maccabeam

2. Which is more challenging, quizzo or competitive eating?
Certainly a different kind of challenge. Perhaps competitive eating, since one can't rely on teammates the way one can in Quizzo. And it certainly takes a (temporary) toll on one's body.

3. Who are your favorite cartoon characters?
Yosemite Sam (in general I love passionate and enthusiastic people) and Wile E. Coyote (very admirable perseverance).

4. Have you ever eaten wings at seven in the morning before?
Not before getting my Wing Bowl training underway!

5. If you could eat a 72 oz. steak with any two Philadelphians, past or present, who would they be and why?
Haym Solomon - from during Revolutionary War period -- oh wait, inevitably you know that! --first real Jewish Philadelphia hero (could the steak be kosher?). Reggie White - incredibly generous and warm-hearted star player on my favorite sports team. Passed away far too soon. Plus he'd inevitably be of greater assistance than Mr. Solomon in helping me finish that steak.

The groundhog got his moment of glory today, as Phil hopped out in Punxsutawney and declared that there would be six more weeks of winter.

The Moustache Riders in the Sky won at the Bards on Thursday, at least I think that was their team name. After this past week, my office is a complete wreck with papers everywhere...well, ok it's like that every week, but this week it's even worse, so I'm not sure I grabbed the right paper. So anyway, the Moustache Riders think that the new Matthew Perry show is going to be a huge hit. "Oh yeah. I think this will be an even bigger hit than Joey," said Candi "Candy" Kane. "I hope they call this one 'Chandler'. That would be, like, totally awesome."

The Sofa Kingdom went for a change of venue last Thursday night, and it suited them fine, as they opened an early lead and held on despite a rough round four. Ah, look at those smiling faces. The world was their oyster. A recent write up in the City Paper, a Quizzo Bowl title almost a formality. Who would have known that it would all go so wrong? That they wouldn't even finish in the money at Quizzo Bowl? That they would then go to a first rate quizzo at the New Deck on Monday and choke in the final round? That the following Tuesday, well, you'll have to read about that tommorrow, but trust you/me, it wasn't pretty. Look at those bright shining faces. They are now haggard and worn by frustration, broken dreams, and bad whiskey. Can the Kingdom rise again? Or has the game passed them by, and the bottom of a bad bottle of booze all they have to look forward to? Stay tuned.

Hey gang, just got back from the Loews Hotel. Had a lot of fun doing the TV thing. Miss America was actually a lot cooler than I thought she would be. She had a really great sense of humor. Of course, I think my 15 minutes of fame will be a footnote to the much larger story. In case you missed it, MIss America carries her crown around in a wooden box. At one point during the show, Bill Henley said, "Nice box, Miss America." I'm not kidding. It was just so wonderful to be a part of tv history.

Yeah, I asked her if she had a boyfriend, and sadly, she does. Bill Henley was pretty cool, and the whole thing was remarkably easy going. It was a little tricky to get a word in sometimes, because Bill is so quick on the draw, but you can't really have any down time on live TV, so he has to be. I thought there would be a lot more stress, but everybody just sort of jokes around during commercials, and there were no real emergenices. Got to tell my Iverson story to a wider audience, so that was pretty sweet. When it was done, there wasn't a lot of fanfare. "Hey, nice job. Don't forget your trophy." Miss America said she was gonna stick around so I could get a photo with her, but she was gone by the time I got done. Story of my life. I finally meet Miss America, and she stands me up. Heartbreaking.