December 2005 Archives

Alright, so I'm running a little late on quizzo write ups this week. Sorry, but the world famous year in review takes a lot of time and dedication. I'm heading out of town tommorrow, so I probably won't be able to get stories up until Monday. Yeah, I know it's a bummer, but you'll be ok. A few other notes: First, there will be a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT next week, so be sure to check back then. Also, I will be hosting a Sports only quizzo on January 9th at Barristers Bar and Grille, (1823 Sansom Street) which should be a blast. I'm returning to my roots, at least for this one time (when I started doing quizzo in 2002 I was doing all sports questions). First prize is a $50 gift certificate. Be sure to vote in the updated poll (lamest celebrity of 2005). In the meantime, I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year, and I look forward to seeing you next year!!!

• Philly sports teams have worst week ever, including a devastating Eagles loss to the Seahawks.

• Trivia Jihad invades Philly.

• Time to make the doughnuts guy dies. As a comedian friend of mine, Andy Nolan, wrote in the headline of an email: "Time to make the Obits."

• Nick and Jessica officially call it quits, filing for divorce. Rumors of Simpson's interest in a certain Philly quizmaster are, as of press time, unsubstantiated.

Strange search terms that brought people to the site in December:
big bad oil companies destroying environment
i'm feelin hot hot hot
steve guttenberg homeless

A couple of final mentions: First, in mid October I posted a pretty forgettable post about watching the 1985 Greater Buffalo Open, in which I wondered if I was the only person in America watching highlights of a 1985 bowling match. Well, apparently I wasn't the only person who cared about the 1985 Greater Buffalo Open. In December, someone with apparently even less of a life than me apparently googled "Gary Skidmore Greater Buffalo Open 1985" and found my site. ( I am proud to note that if you google "Gary Skidmore Greater Buffalo Open 1985", johnnygoodtimes.com comes up first, even ahead of the PBA's website.) Secondly, what was the number one search term that people typed in to get to the site in 2005? The winner, by far was Paris Hilton. I'm not kidding, and I have no explanation. I'm sure I don't show up anywhere near the top of any search engine when you type in Paris. Maybe I have a pic of her that shows up in images somewhere. I don't get it. But I think it's only fitting, since Paris is one of my favorite performers, and I am proud if my little website is in some way helping this talented little starlet claw her way to the top.

• What do JGT and Camden have in common? Well, in November they both became back to back champs. Johnny Goodtimes was named Philly's Best Quizzo for the 2nd year in a row, and Camden was named America's Most Dangerous City for the 2nd year in a row.


• The infamous Drew Rosenhaus press conference on the lawn. TO then fires Rosenhaus and hires Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer.


• Johnny almost killed at Punkin Chunkin.


• Bobby Badtimes blasts Geno's, Philly Weekly, Philly mag, pretty much everybody else in Philly.

• Hot lesbian sex action!

• "Come up with the worst title for a Broadway musical" contest.


• Johnny named one of Philly's 40 Under 40 by socialphilly.com, or as Johnny's friends back home say, "Congrats, Johnny, on being named the 39th most popular person in Philly under age 40."


• The 1st annual Keystone Classic Rock Paper Scissors tourney takes place in Philly. Johnny "Double Duty" Goodtimes emcees and participates, and bows out early to the Midnight Rider.


• Johnny's sister gets married. Johnny does rendition of Billy Idols "White Wedding" during reception, complete with white t-shirt and spiked hair.


• After MLB selects it's all Latin team, Johnny selects his all-white and all-black teams.

Strange search terms that brought people to the site in October:
pictures of whiplash riding a collie
apple picking and petting zoo in Massachusettes There's an apple picking zoo in Massachusettes?
eazy e is alive
watch me have sex
do you wanna roll with me... bounce bounce to the rhythm Oh, I'm bouncin'. I'm rollin'.
i mean seriously

• Johnny releases controversial story of his high school battle with AI on the basketball courts of Virginia. Johnny claims to have shut down "Bubbachuck" back in the day.


• Had Haiku Contest
  Lots of people did enter
  I like butterflies


• Johnny interviews Bernard "The Executioner" Hopkins, who talks about his time in prison and about the TO/McNabb controversy, siding with TO.


• My man Brian asks his girlfriend Meghan to marry him, via quizzo answers!


• Johnny kicks it in the quoit pits.


• Philadelphia Magazine takes Goodtimes quote way out of context in an effort to make him look bad.


• Member of quizzo juggernaut Sofa Kingdom blasts Goodtimes in the media, calling New Deck's quizzo "the only acceptable quizzo."

Strange searches that led people to the site in September.
Stuart Scott's an idiot Yes! I am so glad this brings people to the site.
Toby Keith haters Yes! I am so glad this brings people to the site.
metal detecting laws of Margate, NJ No metal detectors within 50 yards of Lucy!
claipping (pegging the Amish with rocks)
prunes are good for you
deep throught linda lovelace (yeah, you almost spelled throat right)
creepy stare

Today is the birthday of the most wonderful woman in the world-my mom (far right, with Team Hater)! Happy birthday mom! You rock!

• Philly mag has it's "Best Of..." edition, which includes "Best Book About Meat" (I'm serious), but doesn't include Best Quizzo". Johnny offers $50 to whoever writes the nastiest letter to the editor.


• Johnny goes to the town directly above hell-Centralia.


• Johnny has "Best name for a golf porno contest". Responses include "Caddy Shag," "Happy to Drillmore" and "The Legend of Tagger Ass".


• Johnny hears from the mysterious Killdozer, Jr.


• Beat the Champs is even better than QB One, as it moves quicker, and breakdancers go over a lot better than bellydancers. And let's face it, Johnny dressing up in that sexy cowboy outfit didn't hurt either. Well, ok, yes it did.

• Johnny rocks out at Live 8, despite the fact Moron Five and Toby Keith were there.


• The TO situation begins. It turns into a situation none of us can turn away from for a single minute over the next four months. It's kind of like Philly's own Elian Gonzalez case.


• Johnny kicks it with Lipso Nava and the Camden Riversharks.


• Karl Rove gets in hot water. I hope he dies. Whoops, did I just write that?

Strange Search terms that landed people at the site in July:
birthday spanking
Jesus (How far are you looking in your search engine? I mean seriously, I can't possibly be one of the first MILLION sites that come up when you google Jesus.)
sea monkeys
haoles
i guess the rain is down in africa
learn to make love (it's a relatively new service we're offering on the website. contact johnny for details.)
sneezy necklace

• Pedro Mays becomes the next Johnny Goodtimes.


• Johnny takes gratuitous boob shots at Phillies game.


• Doc Watson's closes again, this time for good.


• The Johnny needs a motto contest.


• JGT is snubbed by Philly Style magazine, presents self with award.

Strange search terms that brought people to the site in June:
kidnapped gagged
prosthetic make up head enlargment
randy moss charity fishing tournament
mosquitoes are useless
how to eat corn
wacky caskets

• Johnny uproots quizzo players at raucous Penn party at the Bards and moves them to the Vous for a surreal late night quizzo.


• Johnny goes to Intercourse, milks wooden cow, sees alpaca. Exclusive photos inside!


• Masturbate-a-thon takes place in San Francisco. Now there's a competition you just can't beat! Sorry, that was weak.


• Johnny tries to advertise on baby.


• Be the Next JGT contest comes down to the final three.


• George Galloway of Scotland goes gangsta style on Congress. Perhaps his best line? "I have met Saddam Hussein exactly the same number of times as Donald Rumsfeld met him. The difference is Donald Rumsfeld met him to sell him guns."

Strange search terms that led people to the site in May:
Coco B. Ware
Quizard of Oz
dog lick
catsup hater
claire huxtable naked (I have no idea)
alan thicke speedos (What? naked Claire Huxtable and Alan Thicke in speedos? Who in the hell is looking for this stuff?)

• Cookie Monster forced to advocate healthy food b/c kids today are so fat. This story brought to you by the letter B.


• Johnny's mom hangs with crazed man in the park.


• JGT Ethics Committee makes rapid response to biggest fashion faux pas since tie dyes-the upturned collar.


• MJ from Real World Philly punched in face in West Chester. In other news, Johnny now a big fan of West Chester.


• Seven contestants vie to be the next Johnny Goodtimes.


• Tom Cruise begins to destroy the life of-ahem, goes on first date with-Katie Holmes.

Weird Search results that brought people to the site in April:
Habemus papum-this brought a lot of people to the site
you just got pittsnogled-I'm very proud of this one
clothers of french explorers
amputated head
hip hop saddam hussein
howard eskin lies
johnny the crackhead

• Dan Rather hosts last show as anchor of CBS News.


• The infamous raid on Doc Watson's. Again, and we cannot reiterate this enough, Johnny would not have had his "Teeagers Drink Free on Quizzo Night" promotion at Doc's if he had known it was going to lead to this much trouble.


• Baseball players lie to Congress. Well, except for Jose Canseco, whose unflinching honesty lands him a role on the crappiest Surreal Life ever.


• Gervase hosts quizzo for like two weeks before realizing that just because you were on Survivor doesn't mean that you can be a quizmaster. If you were on the Littlest Groom, however, you could totally do it.


• Johnny lists his favorite 25 porn titles ever. Among those making the list: MIssionary: Impossible and Good Will Humping.

• Bitter Bobby Badtimes Blasts Boston Bozos after Super Bowl. Best line: Morons dump tea in a harbor. Geniuses write Constitutions.


• Johnny turns 30.


• Johnny spends Valentine's Day bitter at Doc Watson's, playing lots of Journey. There's no link. That's just the sad, sad truth.


• Johnny does follow up interview local coffee mogul Todd Carmichael about his trip to the South Pole.


• JGT plays a Maroon Five song at O'Neals, apologizes.


• Hunter Thompson takes his own life on Febraury 20th.

Interesting search terms that led people to the site in February:
popemobile
sexy shemales
squirrel attacks
plumber's toolbelt
johnny he's good but he's been cheating

• Perhaps an omen of what a terrible year was to come for him, Donovan McNabb gets duped out of $600 by a James Thrash impersonator.


• Philadelphia gets named 2nd fattest city in the country. Dreams of a parade of fat people down Broad Street are thwarted, at least until the next Mummer's Parade.


• Doc Watson's regular Paul sets a new record, passing out five questions into round one


• Ashlee Simpson booed before, during, and after performance at Orange Bowl. Sadly, it doesn't end her career.


• Vince Neil gets married for the fourth time. Why didn't the first three marriages work out? Because a certain man of God named MC HAMMER wasn't presiding over them, that's why.


• Afraid to upset Main Liners, Philly Mag refuses to run a Pompeiian porn ad created by the Brownstein Group. Just try to say Pompeiian porn without smiling.


• Quizzo Bowl One!!!

Search terms that brought people to the site in January (seriously):
Daddy's favorite meatloaf recipe
robots friend or foe
contagious rash
lazy sluts
johnny's problem

So I'm watching It's a Wonderful Life the other night, and I notice that Mr. Potter looks eerily like one of my favorite government figures. But I'm sure it's just a coicidence. I mean, there's no way DICK CHENEY COULD BE MR. POTTER'S LOVE CHILD OH MY GOD NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE!!!

Our 28th state was admitted to the Union on December 29th, 2005. What state was it? Oops, I meant, December 29th, 1845.

Alright, gang, it's been a fun week. Hope you enjoyed the Holiday spectacular. Best team name last night: Chuck Norris doesn't read books...he just stares at them until they give him the information he needs. Worst answer: Who wrote the Gift of the Magi? I could not accept Lou Tilley. Hey guys, be safe and have a great holiday. I'm heading down to Virginia in just a few minutes. And check back next week, as I'll start to post my year in review. In the meantime, click here and watch this dude do a mean robot (scroll down a little to see it.) Happy Holidays everyone!

In what can only be described as a bummer, the Miracle of Hanukkah had their victory celebration broken up by an annoying little angel looking for it's wings. The angel, named Clarence, had received his wings in 1946, after saving a man named George Bailey in a highly unorthodox fashion. But on tThursday night, after one too many hot ciders, Clarence put his wings down and forgot where he left them. "Dude, they're not under our table," said Holly Jolly of the Miracles. "Can't you just leave us alone? When annoying little angels like you nag us, it just makes us wish we'd never been born."

Rumors began circulating soon after the Axis of Evil Knieval won at the Good Dog on Thursday that Johnny was using an old photo of the team for the website, and simply covering up the player of the team who wasn't there last night with a Christmas tree. "I am incredulous that these rumors have started," said Goodtimes. "I would never lead stoop to utilizing photoshop to change the authenticity of a photo. I think that's why people like the website-because they feel like they can trust it."

Breathtaking Inanity was able to win a tight one at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, and the good news didn't stop there. The team members, all of whom have lengthy criminal records due to their involvement with moonshining, breathed a sigh of relief whne they saw that the Bush White House is easing things a bit for moonshiners. "Man, I hope Bush is still feeling Christmasy when he looks at my record," said Debbie Dallas of the Inanity. "I'd love to be able to purchase a gun again."

The Daily Specials gave Johnny no choice but to believe in Christmas miracles, as they came from behind to beat Trust Us We Know at the Rendezvous on Wednesday night. "We would have preferred to meet with a color Santa, but the black and white film was better, so it's kool that that's the dude that showed up," said Jamie Mistletoe of the Specials. Miracle on 34th Street really strikes a chord with Mistletoe; he was institutionalized a few years ago when he claimed to be the Easter Bunny, and his lawyer was able to prove that he really was and get him out.

Biggie's coming out with a new album, called Duets, which was co-produced by Puffy and Big's mom. Anyway, surprise, surprise, there was a violent attack at the release party last night. Thanks to Jon for sending this in.

The Sofa Kingdom pulled of ftheir second straight win at the Bards on Tuesday, finiahing with an impressive 112. After the match, they said that they thought that Eminem reuniting with his ex-wife Kim was going to work out great for both of them. Said Ice Koob of the Kingdom. "These things usually work out better the 2nd time around. Yeah, so he described slitting her neck in that one song, and he described dropping her dead body off in front of the police station in another song, and he accuses her of being hooked on meth and all. But other than that, I think they have a really healthy relationship. Well, aside from him pistol whipping her ex-boyfriend." Koob added that the Penn band has several songs about locking women in trunks, but" that doesn't make us bad people." Ice Koob plays the cowbell for the Penn band.

The Altar Boys won at O'Neals on Tuesday night, but there were mysterious cameras seemingly spying on them throughout the competition, and it is believed that they are being watched closely by the White House. Though declining to go into specifics, Dick Cheney said that the teams solid performance was "suspicious" and deserving of electronic monitoring. "We're doing this for Johnny's sake," said Dick. "106 points aren't scored every day at O'Neals, let's face it, and so we felt like that justified some government surveillance." Dick added that regular American citizens should not be concerned, that this spying on American citizens thing will never go overboard or infringe on any of our basic rights.

As you all know, there are very few people I hate. It's a small club, including the likes of Celine Dion, Dick Cheney, and the entire population of Manyunk. One of the members of that club is, of course, P. Diddy, a worthless talentless hack who would be nothing if he hadn't ridden in on Biggie's coattails (quick, name a great song Puffy has produced since 1997). So the following paragraph in Rolling Stone magazine (from a great story on the cover up by the LAPD in the Biggie murder) only added fuel to the fire. Hopefully, it will help you learn to hate this man as much as I do.
The man who would be Diddy had failed to fully cooperate with the investigation of B.I.G.'s death ever since it had begun back in 1997. Notorious B.I.G. was not only the Bad Boy label's biggest earner, but also, supposedly, one of Combs' closest friends. Yet Puffy had made it clear from the start that he would be doing nothing to help police solve the murder. Gregory Young, who had been sitting next to B.I.G. when he was shot to death, told Poole that Combs went so far as to tell the other members of the Bad Boy entourage that "if our names even appear on a witness list, we're out of a job." And now, suddenly, the other witnesses who were in the vehicle with B.I.G. on the night of his death also seemed to be losing their memories.

Here's the story on Charlie Brown Christmas. Network executives thought it would bomb because of the biblical messages and the jazz music. Also, here is the famous short story, the Gift of the Magi. Here's some kool facts about Christmas, including where X-mas comes from. Oh, and best team name from last night? Dr. Dre-del.

Yeah, it's my favorite Christmas movie, and yes, I will cry like a newborn when I see it this year. Here's a few interesting facts about the movie (for example, did you know that it originally ended with "Ode to Joy", not "Auld Lang Syne"?), and here it is recreated by bunnies in 30 seconds. Here are the technical errors that you can find in the film. Here's a great review of the film from a couple of years ago. I like the following lines:
I dislike its oversentimentality and hokeyness and find it to offer an unrealistic portrait of a fantasy America that never really existed. Life seems pathetically obvious in its attempts to wring tears out of its audience. On the other hand, I have to admit that the stupid thing works, damn it all to hell! While the movie shamelessly manipulates the audience, it's hard to feel too angry about it because of the raw jolt of unabashed emotion that it provides; watching Life is like overdosing on some sort of sick sentimentality drug.
Alright, now back to my Christmas shopping!

Hey gang, in the spirit of the holidays, we are going to be raising money for the less fortunate during our holiday spectacular. This week the money is going to try to help offset the most evil institution in America, PGW. We will be raising funds for the Utility Emergency Services Fund, whcih will surely have it's hands full this winter, as PGW tries its best to kill poor people. Therefore, I will ask everyone who plays to donate at least a dollar to the cause. So far this year, we have raised almost $1,000, and including the matching gift we got for our Red Cross donation, we have raised almost $2,000. Thank you for your generosity and for doing your small part to help the less fortunate this holiday season.

Who wrote 'Twas the Night Before Christmas?

This week, Johnny will be hosting his annual holiday spectacular. All questions will be holiday related. Speaking of the holidays, the Trunkadero at the Trocadero was awesome, and I'm not just saying that b/c I got a smooch at the kissing booth from Bawdy Girl/oil wrestler Jenny Balls. But I digress. Oh, yes, JGT will also be playing X-mas tunes (if you know of any good ones you'd like to hear, click here), and he'll be making spirits bright, if you know what we mean. No? To be honest, we don't really know what that means either.

Cause here comes the man you all know and love, Jerry Blavat, back on the scene. The Geator with the Heater, the Boss with the Hot Sauce is coming to WXPN. According to Dan Gross, "he starts 'The Geator's Rock and Roll, Rhythm & Blues Express,' on WXPN 88.5 on Saturday Jan. 7." Here's how he got the name, according to his website:
Geator came from alligator-- gator, or geator, depending on your Florida accent. To hear Jerry tell it, 'a geator would lay in the mud and bother no one unless you came close. Then it would snatch you up.' That's how it was with Blavat. Once you dialed by 1310 and caught his act, he snatched you up like an alligator. He was hot, almost too hot. Like a car heater in the dead of winter, he started out warming you but quickly heated you up to the point that you broke out in a sweat. Some felt it was what he said, others claimed it was the way he said it, but for most it was the music, that mesmerizing sound they weren't hearing on the popular stations.

This from Bush's speech last night: "For every scene of destruction in Iraq, there are more scenes of rebuilding and hope," he said. "For every life lost, there are countless more lives reclaimed." There are countless lives reclaimed??? Are we bringing people back to life? Are there really not 30,000 dead civilians and 2,100 dead soldiers, because a lot of those people have been "reclaimed"? Was that some sort of strange Orwellian doublespeak, or I am I just out in the cold when it comes to that term? Can someone please explain this to me?

The Trivia Jihad wrote a long, detailed report of their Philly experience, and I think you'll enjoy reading about it from a foreigner's point of view. Here is a slice:
Johnny Goodtimes is a real piece of work. For one thing, Johnny G. used to be a dolphin trainer in Hawaii before giving that up and moving to Philadelphia to become that city's only true man of leisure as well as its best local celebrity. While it is unclear how one determines who is the "best" local celebrity, Johnny's website suggests that he is just that. Johnny's game is certainly different from the other quizzoes in terms of how the three rounds are set up. For one thing each round features a random question that is worth double the normal points for questions from that round. Of course, he could just announce, "Hey this is the double point question" but, as Philly's best local celebrity, there is a certain standard he must uphold. Prior to asking the double point question, he cranks up some old school hip-hop and then, over the music he declares, "Ooooh myyy goodness, looks like question number 6 is the double point question." Actually, I am not exactly sure what comes after the initial phrase as I am so moved by the "oh my goodness" intro.

Are you having a hard time coming to grips with the possibility that pro wrestling is fake? So is this guy. My favorite part: "Thank you, Mr. Funk, for saying what needed to be said."

The Sofa Kingdom pulled off a victory at the Bards on Thursday, their first win in over a month. But soon after the contest, several members of the team began experiencing headaches, dizziness, and mild seizures. It was believed to be the flashing red and blue lights coming from behind Johnny. Due to the incident, the JGT quizzo Spectacular has been banned in Japan.
RELATED: Japanese kids freak out after watching Pokemon on this date in 1997.

Sit Boo Boo Sit was able to pull off a win at the Good Dog on Thursday, but were unable to fend off an attack from a Frankenfish, which ate three of it's members. "This is going to be an epidemic unlike anything Philadelphia has ever seen," says Frankenfish expert Bartleby McDowell (below). "I predict over 50% of our population will be eaten by the Frankenfish by mid January." Johnny was quoted on Thursday as saying that he hopes that the Frankenfish finds it way to Manyunk.

Santa's Minions were able to recover from a slow start to take the title at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, but the team was obviously a lot more concerned with the well being of teammate Ashlee Simpson than they were with the victory. Simpson told the team she loved them, then collapsed on the table. "It's just exhaustion," said team member Chap Jackson. "You'd be tired to, if you were talentless hack who had to lip synch all those songs every night."

Trust Us We Know, a team known for being easily seduced by various cults, smashed a stacked Jams lineup with some help from Claude Vorilhon, better known as Rael. Trust Us We Know, who had in the past played with the Maharishi and Sun Myung Moon, took home an extra $20, even though Johnny had been told earlier that day that the Jams weren't coming. They not only came, but they played with Ern and one of the members of the Bullies. After the contest, the Jams said that they would come up with $20 cash for anyone who could beat them next week. "No way we lose two weeks in a row."
RELATED: A really good article on the Raelians. Am I the only one getting excited about these guys?

First off, best team name of the week: Free Mumia! (With the Purchase of a Mumia of Equal or Lesser Value). Had a great answer a few weeks ago I forgot to mention also. I had asked "Jessica Pressler ruffled some feathers when in a New York Times article she called Philly what?" The answer was the Sixth Burrough. I had one team at the Good Dog answer, in all sincerity, the Fifth Burrough. This week, in answer to the question, the operation that netted Saddam Hussein shared a name with what 80's movie. The answer? Red Dawn. Team T & A at O'Neals answered "Biodome". Finally, congrats to Team #5 at O'Neals, who got their first 50/50 round question right on question #8. In the future I will try to keep better tabs on terrible answers.

A few weeks ago, I mentioned a blog in Boston run by a couple calling themselves the Trivia Jihad, who were hitting all of the pub quizzes in Boston and raking in the free booze. Well, they decided to take their show on the road, and hit Philly this week. They played four quizzoes, two of which were mine. They finished out of the running at the Bards, and third at the Rendezvous. More importantly, they were a lot of fun, and I'm hoping to make it up to Boston soon and play a little quizzo with them in Beantown in a few months. They play in Boston like five times a week, proving that their addiction is even worse than the Sofa Kingdom, whose dream a few months ago of winning quizzo seven straight days was crushed on Day #5 at the Bards.

Alright, this is the event (Trunkadero) I'm gonna be a part of on Saturday. I will be entertaining and schmoozing, and it looks like a lot of fun. Basically, the point is to get people to support local vendors while doing their Christmas shopping, so a bunch of unique local vendors will be on hand selling their wares. In addition, the always scantilly clad Bawdy Girls will be doling out kisses, Ginger will be hosting a beer tasting, and there will be several great DJs spinning throughout the event, including DJ Deejay, who does Beatles vs. the Stones, DJ A.D. Amorosi, and the Town Jewlerz, among others. There will be haircuts, massages, and even chess. Providing entertainment, along with me, will be Wang Newton, who, uh, I can't really describe. You'll have to click here and then, uh, just see for yourself what Wang Newton is all about. Trunkadero is happening on Saturday from 1-6 p.m. at the Trocadero (1003 Arch Street). Oh, and it's FREE.

Roald Amundsen, hoping to be the first man to make it to the South Pole, took a wrong turn on Tuesday and ended up at the Bards, where he helped Sexually Attracted to Fire knock off Hanukkah:the Forgotten War, 104-103. "Damnit," said Amundsen after the win. "That confounded Robert Scott is probably halfway there by now. Where are we, Philadelphia? By Jove, we're not even near the Pole!"
Related: Amundsen Reaches South Pole on December 14th, 1911
Related: Johnny's kool interview with wacky Philly coffee mogul who hiked to the South Pole last year.

The JGT All-Stars exploded for 108 points at O'Neals on Tuesday, then mocked Johnny for his collapse at the end of the fantasy football season. All Johnny had to do was to beat the Kid, who was 1-12 on the season, to make the playoffs. In fact, in a message on the league message board in late November, Johnny wrote, "The Kid's fantasy team...the worst ever? Discuss." Of course, Johnny fell to the Kid by two points, and with the loss saw his dream of a title dashed. "Don't feel bad, Johnny," said Bee Gee of the All-Stars. "He was due. I mean, he had lost his last nine in a row." Bee Gee then broke into hysterical laughter.

The Jams, who have become the most feared team in quizzo, will not be playing tonight, according to our sources (aka Ern). Apparently the pressure put on them by Johnny last week was a little too much for them to handle. I will own up to the deal next week, should they return.

Now we at johnnygoodtimes.com are always trying to promote unity among people, and try to let people know that our individual beliefs are part of what make us special. No group of people should be discriminated against because of what they believe. Nobody! Except the Raelians. They are a bunch of f****** nutjobs. It was on this day, 32 years ago that a guy named Claude claimed that he met a 25,000 year old alien in the crater of a volcano. What Claude was doing at the volcano is anyone's guess. This 25,000 year old alien wants to comeback to earth, but only if he's invited (you know how sensitive aliens get when they are that old.) So the Raelians want to build an embassy to welcome the alien to earth

The Raelians are big fans of cloning, which they think will enable them to live forever, by storing people's memories in computer chips and then transferring them from one clone to the next as time goes on.

There are rumors that the Raelians use sex as a recruitment tool, though sadly, I have never been recruited, so I can't confirm nor deny those reports. This article talks more about these wild recruitment parties.

More importantly, there are some hot chicks on the testimonial section of the official website. And they're insane. Also, click on "USA" below the pics to read some kick ass testimonials, such as "Infinity becomes aware of itself through the consciousness of the human being" and "Spread our wings to the harmony of Infinity... to celebrate our dreams!" My wings are spread, and I'm ready to celebrate!

What city has the oldest subway tunnel in the United States, having been created in 1897?

Not since K-Fed dropped Y'all Ain't Ready have I been this proud to be a white boy. Check out this cracker's dunking abilities!
Why these Pavarotti's always followin' me? Oh, and vote in the new poll.

So I'm watching Home Makeover last night, just so I could feel blubbery and guilty about how good my life is. There are these kids who have some disease that makes it so they can't be exposed to sunlight at all, and the cast is gonna fly them to some really cool location. But the kids don't know where they're going. So one of these kids who can't be exposed to sunlight asks the head guy, "Where are we going?" And the guy says, "Philadelphia. I hear it's really great this time of year." Then he and the kid begin laughing, because they both know that they are going somewhere a HELL OF A LOT COOLER THAN PHILADELPHIA. Sure enough, they all go to DisneyWorld, which the good people at Disney have opened up at night time, and I cry like a freaking baby through the whole segment. But still, I was pissed. Come on, dude. Dayton or Des Moines would have been funny. But Philly? That's just cold.

The big man turns 82 today. Of course, not everyone's a fan. Including just about every woman who has ever worked with him. They're all liars! Liars, I say! Here's an interview with the smooth operator a couple of years ago.

One of everyone's favorite Christmas films is a Christmas Story. First off, here is a neat history of how Porky's made the movie possible. It also includes a Where are they now segment. The kid who got his tongue stuck to a pole became an actor in x-rated films (SFW)! Here is a trailer for a similar film, a Christmas Gory. Thanks to Jenn for sending it in. And here is a 30 second recreation of the film by bunnies.

This is pretty good. Lost Boys star and former Julia Roberts boy toy Jaason patric played quizzo in LA a few nights ago-and apparently pissed off everybody else who was playing. Thanks, Phil, for the link. If you got any good stuff, send it to johnny@johnnygoodtimes.com.

I forgot to post this a few days ago when I was posting that Howard Zinn stuff. It's an interview with Bill Moyers a few months before the war began. I particularly like this thought: If we go to war, we will kill thousands, tens of thousands, we don't know how many people. A hundred thousand? We will kill huge numbers of people. And who will we kill? We will kill the victims of Saddam Hussein. If we go to war against Iraq, we are killing the victims of the tyrant. That to me creates a moral equation which is intolerable. Which raises the ugly question: If Hussein is on trial for being responsible for the massacre of 140 innocent Iraqui civilians, should George Bush be held accountable for the massacre of over 25,000 innocent Iraqui citizens?

On a different, but still controversial note, John Smallwood wrote a really good piece about McNabb's blackness yesterday. It was in response to this write up by the president of the Philly NAACP blasting McNabb.

Going to be announced in just a few short moments. Wanna thank everybody who sent in their rant. I have come to a conclusion, aided by my two esteemed judges who shall remain nameless to protect their identities. OK, so one of them was Trivia Art. Well, we contemplated and argued and came up with what we thought were the best three. The 3rd place one is a thinly veiled assault at me, since I use Tabasco on everything I eat. It comes via the Prez. The 2nd place one was sent in by Hope. She gets the $15 gift certificate to Good Dog. And the first place one was sent in by...quick announcement, the Blue Method is playing at the Pontiac tonight at 10. I hear they rock. Seriously. Oh, and the winner was Rob. He gets the aquarium tix. Click on continue to read the rants.

Today is Pearl Harbor Day in Japan pulled off a narrow win at the Bards on Thursday, and said that they were going to use their gift certificate to invest in Cash Money Generator, which is coming to Philly early next week! Just look at these testimonials! "But I have bad credit," said Thad Butterscotch of the Harbors. That's not a problem Thad. Bad credit shouldn't stop you from turning your life around! "But I don't have experience in real estate." Do you think you need experience or skills to TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND? "And I've been convicted of double homicide." Listen, we're not out to catch fugitives, we're out to turn some f****** lives around!***
RELATED: Sad news. One of the impeccably dressed midgets in the Cash Flow Generator Commercials died last month.

***Johnny was paid vast sums of money to endorse this product, BUT it is one he truly believes in. It turned his life around.

I Can't Think of a Word to Rhyme was victorious at the Good Dog on Thursday night, honoring Ann Coulter's birthday in the process. "Yes, I am a big Ann Coulter fan," said team member Jon Palestra. "I think she is a wonderful, fair minded woman, and I find it appalling that people like Goodtimes are always trying to bring her down." Goodtimes hopes Coulter gets run over by a train (below).
Related: Johnny Hopes Coulter Gets Run Over By a Bus

Dwayne's World, a wacky new show on the WB, follows Dwayne after he leaves Rerun and Roger and starts hanging out with a crew of older white guys. In the first episode, Dwayne and his new friends win quizzo at the Black Sheep in a shootout, knocking off Inflatable Haggis in overtime when both teams finish with scores of 111. In fact, the Satan's Minions finished with 110, and landed in 3rd place. Dwayne wears extremely tight jeans in the show. Hay HAY Hay!
Related: A history of What's Happening'

The Jams won yet again on Wednesday at the Vous, after the game telling the 2nd place team, "Don't feel bad, we win every week." Does it count as cockiness if it's true? This win was their 19th in the last six months, meaning that they win roughly 3 out of every 4 weeks. Is there anybody who can stop this juggernaut? I don't think so. In fact, I got twenty bucks on it. Any team that can finish first next week, and in the process beat the Jams, I will give $20 to (in addition to the winning gift certificate). At a bar like the Vous, where they got like $2 beers, $20 extra can go a long way. I feel pretty confident I'll be holding onto my Jackson.

I went to School With Prince Humperdink's daughter won at the Bards on Tuesday night, then started a vicious and unfounded rumor. "Word is," said a vindictful (is that a word?) Gabbie Gumbs, "That J. Alexander on America's Next Top Model is gay!" This bombshell, if true and if ever made public, could ruin Alexander's standing in the fashion community, which has a long history of discrimination. "No, Johnny, I said he's 'great'. I didn't say he's gay. You should get your ears checked." The vengeful Gumbs is now starting rumors about Johnny's hearing which, if true and if made public, could ruin Johnny's standing in the fashion community**.
**And trust me, Johnny's standing in the fashion community is impeccable.

The John Ronney's won at O'Neals on Tuesday night, but the win didn't improve their standing with Diddy, and they were unable to make the band. "Their voices were good," said Diddy, who I hate and hope gets hit by a bus, "But their dance moves were a bit too provocative."

...Will be announced tomorrow. I gotta do laundry at my spot. The only sports team that I liked when I was a kid and have remained a fan of are the Miami Dolphins, and the guy that runs this spot is a big Dolphins fan, too (I didn't hop on the Philly sports wagon until I moved here a little over four years ago). After the Fins comeback win on Sunday, we'll have a lot to talk about.

Wow! What a great seven days to be a Philly sports fan! First, last Tuesday, the Phillies lost Billy Wagner, getting absolutely nothing in return. Then, the Sixers went on a four game losing streak that reached it's apex last night, when in the last 30 seconds they pulled off a meltdown that was just laughable. On Monday, the Eagles not only dishonored Reggie White by quitting in the first half, but then lost Bryan Westbrook for the year. That McMahon-Moats-McMullen trio is a finally a reality! What a week! Kinda makes you want to beat a Devils fan, throw batteries, and boo Santa.

OK, so I'm a day late on this. You'll get over it. The question is, "Did FDR know about Pearl Harbor and allow it to happen so that we had an excuse for entering a war the AMerican people were not interested in at the time?" Pretty interesting stuff.

A couple of big names on the left are celebrating birthdays today. First of all, it's interesting to note that Noam Chomsky's birthday falls on December 7th. He is a vehement critic of American foreign policy, and a pretty fascinating writer and thinker, whether you agree with him or not. Here is an interview with him about a month ago And here is an interesting old article in which he discusses the mainstream media, and what that entails. It is also Howard Zinn's birthday. Zinn is perhaps best known for the book, A People's History of the United States, in which he pulls no punches while describing America's treatment of other people and nation's. It is a fantastic (if somewhat depressing) book. Here is an interview he did with Bill Moyers right before we went to war with Iraq. Here is a diss of Zinn by a man named, get this, Dan Flynn. I don't think it's the same one that owned Doc's, but you never know.

I got Spanish class, but I'll be posting stuff this afternoon. In the meantime, check out this, the dullest blog in the world.

Big ups to Brett "The Barber" Beefcake and Danielle, the now live in couple who had their first date at the Bards quizzo on December 6th, 2004 (That's them on the left). JGT Quizzo: Where Dreams Come True. Congratulations, kids!!!

If you like to see bodybuilders make awkward passes at Brazilian women, then this is just the video for you. Warning: This is not safe for work (there's no sex, but there is public nudity and lots of girls in thongs), and not safe if you have any sense of decency left in your body. It's about 5 minutes long. Thanks Pedro, for sending me this link. If you have a good link that should go on the website, just send it to johnny@johnnygoodtimes.com.

There was an article about Doc Watson's in this past week's Philadelphia Weekly, titled "21, I presume". Looks like ol' Doc's is gonna be reopening. Other than the underage kids and the overall shadiness of the place, you gotta admit, it was a lot of fun. I doubt we'll be doing quizzo there again, but I do hope that it gets reopened.

Yo peeps! Johnny will be back in action tonight at O'Neals and the Bards. O'Neals offers $2 Mexican beers and $3 marguarita's during quizzo and JGT will be giving away Comedy Sportz tix tonight at both spots. And of course Pedro will be rocking the mic at the Dive. Hope to see you there!

What team did the Chicago Bears defeat 73-0 in the 1940 championship game? (I think you can guess where I got my inspiration for this week's question.)

Well, they're at it once again. Focusing on all the negative aspects of last night's game, and ignoring the many positives. Such as: A) Time of possession was VERY even. B) We held the most feared rusher in the NFL to 49 yards on 19 carries, a 2.6 ypc average. Pretty measly. C) The snow looked really cool. Like on Tecmo Bowl 2. D) Their back up QB, some guy named Wallace, didn't complete a single pass (he was 0-2)! E) We held them scoreless for the last 29 minutes and 45 seconds of the game. Here's a pretty interesting look at shutouts.

But I think rock defeats finger missile. Hussein was back on trial today. Here's a website that look at the US's relationship with Saddam in the 1980s. And here's what Iraquis in Kansas City think about the trial. Yeah, you heard me. Just read it.

Eddie"the Eagle" Edwards made a huge splash at the 1988 Calgary Olympics because he was, quite possibly, the most unqualified Olympic performer ever. Here is an article about Eddie in the Calgary Olympics, when the world's worst performer became an international sensation (A song about him in Finland landed #2 on the charts). Today is also the birthday of the most painfully unfunny person alive, Marguaret Cho.

Today is the last day to get in your rant, with the best one getting tickets for two to Adventure Aquarium in Camden. I've gotten some really good ones, but a great one could still walk away with the prize. You can rant about anythign you wnat. I've gotten ratns abotu Christmas cards, quizzo, and about a dirty town in South America. Just send your rant to johnny@johnnygoodtimes.com.

The Ho Ain't In Tow was able to pull off the win at the Dive on Tuesday night, then tried to ruin the family atmosphere I have so carefully cultivated by having their photo taken in front of a tasteless piece of "art". Fortunately, our censors picked up on this foolishness and supplied the piece of "art" with tassels. Johnny would like to personally aopologize to all of the children and members of the 700 Club who came to this site looking for family fun, and assures you that this kind of thing will never happen again.

Philly boxerBernard Hopkins will be fighting for what is supposedly the final time in his career, as he takes on Jermain Taylor tommorrow night on Pay Per View. Another great sporting event will also be taking place this weekend, as the Big Five Classic takes place tommorrow at the Palestra. Finally, be sure to vote in the poll (right), and get your rants in by Monday. Have a great weekend, everybody!
Related: Johnny goes one on one with former boxing champ Bernard Hopkins.

The Royal We emerged victorious with a thrilling one point victory over Sand From the Beach at the Bards on Thursday night, but soon found themselves under fire when drug paraphenilia was discovered on their table. "Listen, it's not ours," said the Royal We. "It a friend of ours, ok? We took it away from him to get him off drugs. We brought it to the Bards to keep it away from our children." Johnny announced that he would be looking into the spelling of paraphenilia after this article was completed.

Magma's victory was enough to make team member Rick Mariano jump for joy on Thursday night, as the city coucilman and his teammates emerged victorious at the Good Dog. " It's been a rough year for Rick, what with the indictment and the observation deck episode and all," said teammate Dick Marino. "But I think getting this win just as he heads into vote on an ethics bill (it's like Marion Berry voting for tougher drug laws!) gets him back on the right track."

Tom "Flash" Gordon, a 38-year old reliever, just signed a 3 year contract with the Phillies, who didn't want to give Billy Wagner a 4th year on his contract because by the time he got done he would be 38 years old. Pat Gillick-just like Ed Wade, only older!!! What's that smell...why, I think it's the sweet scent of another 80 win season!

The Satan's Minions were able to overcome a tough week to knock off TO's Family at the Sheep on Wednesday night, 109-108. Long time team member Nick Lachey tried his best, but his heart obviously wasn't into it. "Word travels fast," said teammate Bucky Samson. "He heard about Jessica down the street at the 'Vous, and you could see his heart just sink. You gotta feel for the guy. I mean, one minute you're married to one of the hottest women on earth, the next minute your just another ex-member of 98 degrees."
"Not kool!" shouted Jeff Timmons,(below)who was emerging from the men's room. "Not kool!"

The Jams pulled off the win at the Vous on Wednesday, but the real story was the reappearance of Jessica Simpson, making her first public appearance since the seperation from Nick. The rumor mill began swirling almost immediately, as she fawned over teammate Rob "The Glide" Drexler all night. "Listen," said Rob. "We're just really good friends. This has been a really tough week for her. She's just needed somebody to cry with, and she knows that I am a sensitive, caring guy." Rob then added, " But man, do her boobs look good or what?"

Woody Allen's 70th birthday (Dec. 1), take the "Who said it, Woody Allen or George W. Bush?" quiz.

As you may have heard, the co-creator of the Berenstain Bears, Stan Berenstain, died earlier this week. My friend and local comedian Andy Nolan has long been known in the local comedy community for writing great headlines and eulogies when celebrities die (When the pope died, he wrote a Prince parody which ended, "I only want to see you breathing...in the Papal Reign"). So here's the one he did when Berenstain died.
His wife did the words,
And he did illustration,
Now Papa Bear’s gone into
Permanent hibernation.

His bears were not bare.
They were clothes wearers.
Now they serve at his funeral
As his pall bearers.

Bette Midler led Alicia Keys is my 2nd Cousin, who pulled off the only major upset this week, knocking off Narcotizing Dysfunction, 103-101. Midler proved to be the wind beneath the wings of the team. I think Bette Midler sings that. Or maybe it's Barbara Streisand. It's one of those Jewish women I really hate. Anyways, it was a huge win, and Midler's sailor cap defied the laws of physics throughout the contest. Oh yeah, today is Midler's 60th birthday.

The Young, the Old, and the Restless pulled off their second straight win at O'Neals, but the anniversary of the death of their dear friend Henry I put a pall over the celebration. "He died from eating bad lampreys," said Owen the First. "He should have been eating eel. I tried to tell him..." Owen's voice trailed off as tears welled in his eyes. Henry I died on this date 770 years ago. "Was it that long ago?" asked Owen. "It seems like only yesterday."

Due to his horrid performance in last night's quizzo (3 teams fininished with scores more than twice as high as his team's), I am asking that you not visit D-Mac's website, PhiladelphiaWillDo. There's just no way you can trust a blogger whose team can only score a 50. With all of the time that you'll be saving by not checking D-Mac's website, I highly encourage you to check this one, called Pandora. It's really awesome. You tell it what kind of music you like, and it finds and plays other stuff that it thinks you might also like. I found it on Blinq. Oh, and the Rant contestdeadline has been extended until Monday. I've started getting some pretty good ones, but be sure to get your rant in so you can win those tix to the Adventure Aquarium.

There has been a rumor buzzing this morning that the Phils are gonna trade Bobby Abreu to the Red Sox for Manny Ramirez. Yeah, I'm sure Philly's gonna love a guy who thinks that defense is something that goes around deyard. He'll hit a lot of homers and drive in a lot of runs, but Bobby was a great offensive player, too, and he provided speed on the basepaths. Not to mention that he seemed to be a good clubhouse guy. And plenty of people in Philly hate him because he was a little slack on defense. So what is Philly gonna do with a guy that can only hit, can't run, who is constantly whining about wanting to be traded, and who doesn't play defense at all? Manny better hope he isn't traded here, because this town will eat him alive.