November 2005 Archives
There will never be a Christmas light display more impressive than this one. You need audio for this one. On the other hand, here are some of the worst Christmas light displays ever (click on 2005 collection on the left hand side).
George Michael's getting married. Hey, send in your rants. So far I've got like five. Come on, people, get it together. I got to head to Spanish class, but in the meantime, check out these Woody Allen quotes and this animated gif of Henry Earl, the guy who's been arrested over 900 times in Kentucky. These are his mugshots.
In case you missed it, last week our boy G-Dubs spoke with Tony Blair about the possibility of blowing up al-jazeera, the Middle Eastern television station. Anyways, several reporters at Al-Jazeera started a blog called Don't Bomb Us, and are now asking people to promise to publish the memo if it is released. Is it just me, or does Bush have to be more careful who is allowed in the room when he and Blair have secret meetings to discuss killing people? Geez, this is the 2nd leaked memo out of England in the last seven months! Also, here is an interesting paragraph from the Don't Bomb Us blog:
[Al-Jazeera has] never shown beheadings, referred to American forces as "the enemy", and waited until US networks showed the Bin Laden video before they aired it themselves. Such are urban myths, spread to good effect by certain, otherwise respectable news outlets. And this is despite their offices in Kabul and Baghdad being bombed by American forces in unfortunate "accidents", a number of Al Jazeera reporters dying in "accidental" US attacks, virtually every member of the Jazeera Baghdad bureau having been arrested by US forces at some stage or other, and at least two Jazeera workers imprisoned for reasons unknown in Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay.
This Italian American singer had hits with the songs "Just a Gigolo" and "Jump Jive and Wail". Who is he?
Billy Wagner just signed with the Mets. Looks like CB Park is gonna be pretty empty this year. The only bright side? Well, let me just take this sentence directly from the article: Gillick said Wagner's agent, Bean Stringfellow, called the Phillies on Monday afternoon to inform them of Wagner's decision. At least Bean Stringfellow was involved. Otherwise I'd be totally depressed. And hey, Wagner isn't that tough. In fact, I doubt he's ever SET A HUMAN BEING ON FIRE!!!!
Hey, never had a chance to congratulate Luke, who came up with the idea of an element/not an element round a couple of weeks ago. Nice work. Also, as far as that Philly mag bashing I promised earlier, it might have to wait till tommorrow. Usually, I pick up that mag and can stand it for about 5 minutes, and find plenty of things to make fun of almost immediately. But this issue is kind of...um...uh...good. I read for like an hour and still have more to read. I'm sure I'll be able to bash the cover story about Philly being cool, but I haven't read that one yet. So check back manana.
The WTF took the title at the Black Sheep last Wednesday after finishing in a tie for last the week before. But that story was overshadowed when, on Monday, team member Mutt Eisenstein made a startling announcement: That it was he, not Gary Hart, who was with Donna Rice aboard the Monkey Business. "Yeah, I shoulda said something earlier," said Eisenstein. "I feel kinda bad about it. But my old lady woulda killed me if she had known I was foolin' around with some hot model like Donna, so I was actually relieved when everybody though it was Gary. Sorry, Gar." The apology coincided with Gary's birthday.
Darth Ern finally pulled off a victory at the Vous on Wednesday night, momentarily silencing critics who had said that he had lost his magic since turning to the Dark Side. Ern was understandably emotional after the win. "There are those who thought I couldn't win as a major force of evil in the universe," siad Darth, his voice cracking. "That my dedication to making the universe a worse place was hampering my trivia knowledge of 15th century Dutch oil painters. Well, I think this win tonight proves that you can both be evil and possess a treasure trove of useless information."
Alright, the holiday is over, and you are back at work. You just had a number of awkward family moments, you ate too much, you made out with somebody completely inapproriate, and now you've returned to the salt mines. You really feel like ranting, but you don't really have anybody to rant to. Well, now you do. Send me your angriest/funniest rant about anything (your job, your family, your holiday, the president, the Eagles, your boyfriend/girlfriend, etc.) You can even leave a codename if you like, so you won't be found out. And you can make it as long as you want, from a sentence to a short story. Send your rant to email@example.com. I'll be posting the best ones, and the most excellent one gets two passes to the Adventure Aquarium in historic Camden and 2nd place gets a $15 gift certificate to the Good Dog! Contest ends Friday. Also, tune in later today. I just got the latest issue of Philadelphia magazine, and I feel like bashing it. But first I need to get a cup of coffee.
Two of a Kind edged the Sofa Kingdom in double overtime at the Bards on Tuesday night, the second time in two weeks that the team had knocked off the Kingdom in OT. The team then expressed it wish that this Philly girl, who has spent over $13,000 following Hanson , freezes while waiting for tickets. "Johnny, don't make us out to be sickos," said team member Downtown Julio Maroon. " I mean, I don't want her out in some labyrinth like Jack in the The Shining. I just want her to like lose some toes to frostbite or something, and then move to Jersey, where she belongs."
The Young, the Old, and the Restless pulled off a victory at O'Neals on Tuesday, then followed the victory up with an outrageous comment-that Perkin Warbeck deserved to be hung! "Yeah, he was a liar, and he tried to attack the king," said Shelby Wellington of London. " Why shouldn't he have been hung?" Liberals were outraged. "We don't think a public hanging is what this country needs right now," answered Chuck McMicholson. "I can't wait until this idiot dies and his son takes over-his son is a man with some vision!" Henry VII recently received an approval rating of just 34%, the lowest in his 14 year reign. Early accomplishments, including putting an end to the War of the Roses, had made him extremely popular early in his reign, but his high taxes and questions surrounding his involvement with the Princes in the Tower have both hurt his ratings. Warbeck, who tried to impersonate Richard of Shrewsbury and launched a lame attack on the King, had tried to appeal the punishment, but an arbitrator ruled that the punishment was just, and he was hung earlier today.
I read this today in the Inky.
How can you not be bitter when the Phillies have lost more games than any franchise in the history of professional sports and have only one World Series title in more than 120 years of baseball?
I constantly hear people reciting this trivia fact as if it's really indicative of this town's sports teams failures. Of course, this fact is completely meaningless, for a number of reasons. First, the Phillies play baseball, which has a 162 game season. That is roughly twice as many games as hockey and basketball have, and ten times as many as football has. So a bad football team would take about 9 years to equal the amount of losses that a great baseball team would have in a single season. In addition, the Phils began play in 1883. The NHL began in 1917, the NFL in 1920, and the NBA began play in 1946. The Phils have played several thousand more games than most of those teams, so of course they've lost more games. Ok, so what about baseball? There are only three teams in the majors that have been around as long as the Phils, so you can really only measure them against those three teams. So the Phils have more losses than the Reds, the Cardinals, and the Giants. Nothing to be proud of, but not really that shameful. There are many sports franchises more woeful than the Phillies when you use the only meaningful stat as a comparison, winning %. The Phils have a .467 winning percentage. Again, nothing to brag about. However, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have a winning % of .382, and the LA Clippers (who really are the worst team in the history of pro sports) have a % of .358. Numerous other teams have a % worse than .467. The point is, there are plenty of fun facts you can point to about the Phils phailures, so why go the lazy route and write (or say, b/c I hear people saying it on WIP all the time too) the most cliched and worthless stat about Philadelphia sports futility? As for the 2nd part of that sentence, "...and have only one World Series title in more than 120 years of baseball.", he would have been better served to write one championship, not one World Series. The Series has only been around since 1903, but they had baseball championships in the 20 years before that and the Phillies not only never won one, they never even made it to the championship game.
There are, of course, numerous people who don't think that Oswald killed Kennedy, and it seems highly suspicious that he was the lone gunman. Here's a fairly good analysis of the assassination on PBS's website. Here's a write up in the Houston Chronicle that's fairly interesting, presenting a theory I had never heard before:
Perhaps most intriguing is the idea that there was not one Oswald, but two, that long before the shots in Dealey Plaza rang out, a secret organization -- maybe the CIA, maybe the KGB, maybe the FBI -- had recruited a look-alike to live a life parallel to Oswald's. Here is a website that tries to dispell many, but not all, of the reasons for doubt. Many people place Jack Ruby as part of the plot to kill the president. Ruby fought to clear his name, but a lot of his comments to the Warren Commission were fairly cryptic. Here a guy tries to defend Ruby, claiming that he was not part of a conspiracy and was simply insane. This is pretty neat: a minute by minute account of Lee Harvey Oswald's movements and words in the two days between JFK's death and his own. And of course, everybody likes to talk about the similarities about the Lincoln and Kennedy assassinations.
What Audie Murphy movie was playing at the theatre where Lee Harvey Oswald was captured?
This from Dan Gross:
Philadephia Soul partner and Ritz-Carlton owner Craig Spencer and wife B.J.rented Chickie's & Pete's (15th & Packer) two Saturdays ago for a lavish Bat Mitzvah party for daughter Taylor. Among those in attendance were Gov. Rendell and Eagles Reno Mahe, Jason Short and Stephen Spach. Q102's Chio was the DJ. Southern-rock band Ingram Hill, from Tennessee, played too. The guest of honor arrived on a motorcycle. A mechanical bull was set up outside.
OK, at first glance, this seems like one of those ridiculous rich teenager parties that they show on MTV and you watch just in the sick, sick hope that the dance floor somehow catches on fire and horror ensues. But then the last sentence changed everything. "A mechanical bull was set up outside." What? All of a sudden, I kind of like this Spencer guy. Sure, he's loaded, but at least he's spending some of that hard-earned money on a mechanical bull. I'm telling you, mechanical bulls change everything.
We raised $216 this past week for Community Voice Mail! Thanks for your donation towards a worthwhile cause. We'll do it again in December. I think I've already got a pretty neat one lined up.
The Eagles may be languishing in last place, but our friends across the water are waving their foam number one fingers, as Camden was named the most dangerous city in America for the second straight year. Well, I say we accentuate the positive, so let's go over a few of our sister city's fantastic firsts.
- Camden was home of the first drive-in movie theatre.
- Walt Whitman died in Camden. (Shot execution style by a man named Snake.)
- The first color television was manufactured at the RCA plant in Camden.
- The church of scientiology was begun in Camden.
Look out! Here comes a Camden Kool fact! There was a pro basketball team in America's most dangerous city in the 1960s. It's name? The Camden Bullets! Click here and listen to Camden's official song! (click on the Camden link)
Alfonso's Bigots pulled off a narrow win over the Kingdom at quizzo on Thursday, then celebrated with a post game meal at Senor Rattlers (johnnygoodtimes.com is an enye free enterprise). "That place has got some SPICY chimichangas, if you know what I mean," said team member Stanley La Benoit. Added team member Nancy La Beareaugart, "Those fajitas were SIZZLIN,' if you know what I mean." Bigot Pepe La Schmoov added, "Mexican food gives me BAD DIARHHEA, if you know what mean." La Schmoov's comments killed the conversation.
The Axis of Evil Knieval pulled off a victory at the Good Dog on Thursday (Recording the 200th ever 100 point score in the process), then spent the post game in agony after learning that Stavros Niarchos III had dumped Paris Hilton. "This is just incredible," said team member MJ Plentyhorse. "They seemed so perfect together. I was hoping they'd die together...not soon, of course." This has not been a good week for Hilton, who was attacked by her pet monkey last Saturday. Rumors that former animal trainer Johnny Goodtimes had trained this particular monkey to "attack" were completely unfounded.
T.O.'s Hungry Family pulled off a victory at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, then learned that TO's family is more sexy than hungry. That's his fiance, Felisha Terrell, below. "Uh, she actually looks fairly well nourished," said a surprised Stanley Maplethrope of the Hungry Family. "We would have thought, two weeks into the suspension, she'd be all skin and bones. But she looks rather, ahem, healthy to me." In other news, I totally wish we lived in a matriarchal society, so that TO had to take the name Terrell Terrell.
Wanna get your guys feedback on where we should hold Quizzo Bowl II. Please vote (scroll down a little, on right side of page) for the place where you'd like to see us hold it. If you've got any other ideas for where we should hold it, please send me an email to firstname.lastname@example.org.
The Daily Specials were able to squeak past Trust Us We Know at the Vous on Wednesday night, 97-92. The upset win did not seem to faze Johnny's cat Popiko, whose latest nap hit the 19 hour mark. "This is a big one," said Goodtimes. "He's really sending a message to the other cats as we hit prime nap weather that his extreme napping skills are not to be taken lightly."
Ladies and gentlemen, this just in: There has been a spotting off a naked man, possibly the Naked Zorro, in Doylestown! However, and this is important, the man spotted did not have a mask on. Therefore, we do not want to jump to any conclusions. This could just be a naked Pancho Villa or a naked Emiliano Zapata. However we do want to take this opportunity to provide a link to a story we did a while back about the Naked Zorro, one of our proudest photoshop efforts ever.
Straight Outta Botswana edged Alan Alda is My Friend's Uncle at the Bards on Tuesday night, then prepared itself for Thursday night's showing of Survivor. The team came together after meeting at a "Gary Hogeboom Fan Club Meeting", and will be cheering for the former Cowboy QB as he tries to win Survivor Guatamala. Said team member Fritz Franklin, "I just like him because his face is narrower than his neck." Chad Chomsky had a different reason for joining the fan club. "I've just always hated Danny White."
Big ups to Morris. He's the guy who came up with the Irish or Scottish wild card round. Here's some further info on some other questions I asked earlier this week. Ali G is currently in trouble with the Kazakhstan government. Here's the transcript of Farrah Fawcett melting down on David Letterman. This is completely insane. Here's a good article about the Miracle at the Meadowlands (For those who didn't play earlier this week, The wild card round was "Famous Meltdowns", in honor of the Eagles Monday night performance.) But here's the best part. We had two questions this week honoring birthday boy Macho Man Randy Savage. Come to find out, he released a rap album in 2003. Yeah, I'm not kidding. Click here to listen to the hot new joint from the Macho Man.
Wow, last week we had a reporter ask a great question to Drew Rosenhaus. This week, one of the worst questions ever. A reporter investigating the story of the "Cell phone bandit" asked a federal investigator, "Do we know what her motive was?" (Click on the "Woman confesses to robbery" link on right side of page to hear the idiot speak.) Hmmmm. Let's see, she was robbing a bank, but not for it's pens or it's deposit slips. Let's see, what else could a bank have in it's possession that could provide a motive? Better get the Pinkerton's in on this one!
The JGT All-Stars, already missing several players do to tornado related injuries, prepared for the worst as tornado season continued to rip through Philadelphia. "Yeah, I guess this is what happens when people leave the door open during tornado season," said Chippy. Though the tornado only did minor damage, it did inspire Chippy. "I'm gonna go home tonight and watch a really terrible Helen Hunt movie."
First off, a Happy birthday to Kieran (above, right), who played last night at O'Neals. Also wanna a wish a happy b-day to finger cymbal specialist Spanky Mottola (below), who celebrates his today.
Thirdly, I want to wish a Happy Birthday to the girl below. She actually had her birthday back in early October, and I thought I posted her pic. I didn't, and was told that I am an a****** when I ran into her at Barrister's the other night. Fair enough, the dressing down was well deserved.
Finally, I wanna wish a happy big day to Harriet, a tortoise that celebrated it's 175th birthday on Tuesday. Officials say that it's the 2nd oldest living creature on earth (Ern is 183).
Here is the blog of some grad student alcoholics in Beantown who are chronicling their tales of quizzo madness as they play almost every night of the week. Thanks to Jenn O. for sending me this link. If you've got any good or funny links, please send them to email@example.com.
Nice job, New York. Way to get the Country Music Awards to be broadcast from your town. What a coup! Look out Nashville, here comes NYC!
Today would have been the Ol Dirty Bastard's 37th birthday. Here's something you probably didn't know about the ODB.
In February 1998, after ODB witnessed a car accident from the window of his Brooklyn recording studio, he and a friend ran to the accident scene and organized about a dozen onlookers who assisted in lifting the 1996 Ford Mustang�rescuing a 4-year-old girl from the wreckage. She was taken to a hospital with second and third degree burns. ODB, using a false name, visited the girl in the hospital frequently until he was spotted by members of the media.
Local Rock Paper Scissors legend Jam Master Sean (aka C. Urbanus), inventor of the Urbanus defense in RPS, will be hosting quizzo tonight at the Dive. Scroll down a bit here to find out what Jam Master's dream job would be (he's the guy lying on the street).
With the holidays approaching, I felt like it was time to do some more fundraising. I found a charity that I think is really awesome, because it doesn't just supply handouts, it gives people hope to improve their lives. It is called Community Voice Mail, and the idea is simple: people who don't have access to a phone are given a phone number, where they can check messages from loved ones and prospective employers. Read about it. It seems really cool. And over 80% of the money raised goes to the program itself, not to a huge bureaucracy. So I will be asking everyone for a dollar at quizzo this week, though you are certainly welcome to give more if you want to. At the end of the week, I'll let you know how much we are able to raise.
While watching the Wizard of Oz on TV the other night (before turning to Desperate Housewives**, which I watched for the first time ever), I had an argument with some friends about whether or not a munchkin had hung himself during taping of the film. I said it was an urban legend. They said it really happened. I love it when I'm right.
**Oooooh, good show. And even better, it has several actors from one of my college faves, Melrose Place. I think I might be hooked.
On November 16th, Luke and Laura got married in the highest rated episode of a soap opera ever. What soap opera was it?
This from D-Mac at PhiladelphiaWillDo about last night's game:
The only way it could have been worse is if Roy Williams had negotiated Billy Wagner's new contract with the Mets during his game-winning interception return.
After stumbling out into the streets last night, walking among the zombies, and seeing grown men fighting off tears, I recalled a really good article I had read about Philadelphia sports fans a few years before. In fact I had read it just a few months before I moved here. For some reason, it stuck with me, and I went back and reread it for the first time this morning.
Now that regular season football is meaningless, at least we get our Sundays back. Perhaps you've been putting off cleaning the garage, or seeing that matinee at the local theatre, or even taking that trip to the art museum (name your price on Sundays!). Well now's the time to start living again, no longer a slave to the TV on Sundays! Who's with me, huh? Who's with...?
F*** it. Anybody know where I can get some hemlock?
No time for pleasantries. Hey Geno's, why don't you take your Mississippi white trash act somewhere else? "This is America, Please speak English when ordering". Quick question: Were your ancestors speaking the King's English when they got off the boat? I'm pretty sure mine weren't. In fact, I think they were moving to America to get away from the kind of pretentious ignorance you so proudly display. Then again, I might be more willing to let this transgression slide if you weren't the Ride the Ducks of cheesesteaks: loved by tourists, but you don't see any locals waiting in line.
Hey Philadelphia Weekly: Enjoyed the irony of your latest cover story. On the one hand, hipsters do kind of suck. On the other hand, aren't they precisely the demographic your mag targets? That's like Johnny doing a story called, "Why I Hate Nerds". As for me, I don't care about hipsters. The guys don't like sports and the girls look like angry circus clowns, so I don't have much use for 'em.
Where should you go tonight to watch the Eagles thoroughly dismantle the Cowboys and move to within one game of the Giants (Hey NY, about that Minnesota loss yesterday: Hahahahahahahahahaha!! No wait, sorry. I'll stop. I'll st...hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!)? East of Broad, the answer is pretty simple. O'Neals wins the "Best place to watch the game" every single freaking year. They have great food and drink specials (Tonight: $2 Micros and 1/2 price apps) and that sweet ass flat screen above the bar. But west of Broad, the answer is not quite so simple. The Fox and the Hound? Please. That has to be the worst sports bar ever. EVER!!!! Watching the game at F & H, the most un-Philly place in this city besides Olive Garden, is like watching it at Wal-Mart. Once, when a really great game was on, Trivia Art asked the server if they could turn down the COUNTRY MUSIC that was blaring over the loudspeakers and turn up the volume on the game. He was told, "Corporate says that we have to keep the music on." Corporate says? To take a line from Scent of a Woman, "I should take a flamethrower to this place!" But there is a new sports bar in town that I tried over the weekend, and came away quite impressed.
Winter is a lot more fun with pets around. Here are a couple that might catch your fancy from the Philly SPCA:
This beautiful Golden Retriever (above), Emma, was
brought to the shelter last week when the owners gave her up after receiving many complaints on how they kept her. She was locked up outside, found emaciated with noshelter, no food, and no water. She was quite shy and untrusting upon arrival, until I won her over with my affection, love and tasty treats! Scheduled to make visits with Pals for Life, and bring smiles to the elderly, she will be looking for a permanent place to call home upon her return.
Meet Bella, a 2 1/2 year old spayed female who has been from place to place throughtout the shelter and off site adoption centers since early June! She's spunky, loves to be petted and loves to walk on a leash. Currently residing in our Senior Room (where she can roam freely) she has already been tested for FELV/FIV, which were negative. She prefers to be the only Queen in the home, but she will love all the attention you are willing to give to her.
I have to admit, I was highly skeptical when heading to see Comedysportz on Saturday night to be a "celebrity" judge. While good improv is funny, bad improv is among the most painful experiences a human can endure. But these guys are freaking good. Real good. Like "Who's Line Is It Anyway?" good. Extremely quick-witted and sharp, they keep the crowd involved throughout the performance. I had a blast. What's even better, I'm gonna be giving away tickets to see these guys all week at quizzo. (No, that was not a b.s. preface so you would come out for free tickets. This is something I really think you are going to like.) I'll also be givin g away tickets to see Front 242 this week.
Trust me on this one. Just read it, if you haven't already done so. Here's an article by the authors about why the crack trade has quieted down (or at least why we're no longer hearing about it). In the book, they explain why the violent crime rate has fallen so dramatically, why sumo wrestlers cheat, and how Superman destroyed the KKK. Refreshingly non-political look at a number of highly politically charged topics.
Well, the first question of Quizzo Bowl II has Been answered, as over 90% of the people who voted in the poll think that Nate Wiley and the Crowd Pleasers should be brought back for Quizzo Bowl II. Now the next question: Where should we hold it? Yes, things went well at World Cafe Live, and they went even better at Beat the Champs, as we fixed all the problems we had at QBI. It's a beautiful facility. But like the Super Bowl, should we hold this somewhere else each year? I have spoken with the Trocadero about possibly doing it there. A strange idea I had: How about the huge, gawky Chinese restaurant in South Philly? I went there for Dim Sum one time and saw that they have a stage and a ton of room to fit a lot of people. They serve booze, and it could be really goofy and fun. What do you guys think? Please leave comments below as to what you think of these spots or send me an email to firstname.lastname@example.org, and if you have any other spots that you think would be ideal, PLEASE let me know about them.
I just did some catching up on the 100 point club and added a bunch of teams. If your team scored 100 and won and is not up there, please let me know. I will certainly post it. Also, I just posted round two from Beat the Champs in the online quizzes section for all you knuckleheads who missed a great show in August. It's a Philadelphia True/False.
That damn Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards again Tursday night. They would have lost, but the g***** Touched by an Uncle forgot to check for their question of the week. If you lose a match to the Sofa Kingdom b/c you forget to get your free five points, I highly encourage you to spend your weekend in misery, possibly even ramming your head into a wall repeatedly. I really do. The Kingdom, who blasted Johnny both in print ("New Deck is the only acceptable quizzo, really")and on the comments section, got good news this week. Catbird Wallace was joined in the UPenn band by Spanky Mottola, who took over on finger cymbals for the recently departed Twinkie McFadden (below). "It's gonna be tough taking over for Twinkie," said Mottola. "She was, without question, the most popular finger cymbalist this school has ever seen. But I think with a little practice, I can be every bit the cymbalist she was, maybe even better." It won't be easy for Mottola. He admittedly has second hand cymbals he bought at a yard sale, and McFadden was known to have some of the finest cymbals around.
Conspiracy theorists tried to come up with a conspiracy pertaining to the Axis of Evil Knieval's win at the Good Dog on Thursday. "The Axis of Evil Knieval won on the same week that Montana became a state. Evel Knievel himself is from Montana!" explained an excited Dr. Van DuPree, a leading paranormal researcher. "This must mean something, but what?" We at Johnny Goodtimes think we know. It means it's time for some Montana hunting trivia!
Wednesday night at the Black Sheep was the epitomy of what keeps quizzo fun. Satan's Minions have established themselves as of late as the team to beat at the Sheep, having won several times by over 20 points. Meanwhile the team they were playing, Inflatable Haggis, usually finishes about third or fourth to last, sometimes 30 or 40 points behind the Minions. But on this night, the topics that were covered were things they knew (they aced geography and advertising), and at the end of regulation we had a tie. Tiebreaker question: How many people live in Pennsylvania? Inflatable Haggis guessed 14.1 million. The Satan's Minions guessed 15.1 million. The correct answer? 12.3 million. It was one of those upsets so startling, so shocking, it almost makes you lose your place in the world. Is the sky up, is grass green? You start to lose your grasp on reality. Then Rick Santorum goes and does something stupid, and you are comforted with the realization that things really are as they seem.
The Jams pulled out another victory at the 'Vous on Wednesday night, but it may well be their last. Sadly, the team hails from Dover, Delaware, who God is very displeased with right now. In fact, one of God's spokespersons, the well-respected Pat Robertson, has announced that Dover will be destroyed in the near future. Hunger, War, and Disease, though important topics for the Lord, do not make him as angry as school board turnover in Delaware's capital, and he will therefore be delivering a horrifying strike to the city in the near future. "I know that Dover's apocalypse is coming soon, because of the new school board, but wouldn't it be ironic if it was locusts?" said team member Antwoine Mispel, referring to the team's success at the Locust Rendezvous.
I was alerted at the Rendezvous last night that Action News was going to be running some sort of exclusive action story about the town of Centralia. "What could have happenend in Centralia?" I wondered. A thousand questions ran through my mind. Did a house fall into the coal mine? Had they gotten the fire under control? Were the residents seceeding from the Union? Did I spell seceeding right? No, the story reported that the town is exceptionally dangerous.
Tom Rathbun/Department Of Environmental Protection: "What it's burning is the coal that's holding up the surface. And so, the ground can collapse suddenly, with no warning. And so people who are walking around up there are putting themselves in great danger."
I was one of the brave, hardy souls who put my life in danger just a few months ago. But Johnny Goodtimes will stop at nothing to get the story and bring it to you people. Nothing, not even a dangerous walk over a ground that could collapse suddenly, bringing me to my fiery, fiery death.
I will be attending the City Paper Choice Awards Party tonight, basking in the glow of my own greatness, and will therefore not make it to quizzo. However, my trusty sidekick Trivia Art will be cold rockin' it at both the Good Dog and the Bards.
In the first of two overtime matchups this week, I Got Your Goodtimes Right Here pulled off a dramatic victory at the Bards Tuesday night. They finished in a tie with Sofa Kingdom. The question: How many wins did Cy Young have? Got Your Goodtimes said 511, and Sofa Kingdom said 512. The correct answer was 511. By the way, Cy's real name was Denton True Young. He claimed that Cy was short for cyclone, since barns and fences supposedly showed tornadic damage after encountering one of his pitches. Here are some cartoons drawn by some guy in Australia named Terry Denton (click on fun). Some of them are pretty funny.
Deb's Feelin' Spicy's victory party at O'Neals on Tuesday night came to a horrific end when a knife wielding Rheal Cormier became the second Philly reliever to brutally attack a group of people with a machete and set them on fire. The team, who had won with an impressive 105, had angered Cormier earlier that night by stepping on his property. "This is a copycat crime," said South Philly police chief Booger McMullen. "We sense a pattern here."
After yesterday's disastrous news conference, Terrell Owens today announced that he had fired Drew Rosenhaus and hired a new agent, Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer. Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer, who fell into a crevasse 100,000 years ago and was thawed out in 1988, had this to say at a press conference this morning: "Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I'm just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! The bright lights of your enormous stadiums make me want to leave my luxury suite and run off into the hills, or wherever. When I watch the game on your televisions, I wonder, 'How did they fit all of those tiny men inside that little box?' My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts. But there is one thing I do know-that the Eagles should relinquish part of the $12 million they have under the salary cap and pay my client commensurate to his prolific performance over the past ten seasons and, more importantly, his heroic performance on the gridiron in last year's Super Bowl. I have nothing more to say."
Just found something I did a while back and never posted. These are my favorite college sports team names ever. Yes, these are all actual sports team names. (Please list any good ones I've left out below.)
The University fo California Irvine Anteaters
Our Lady of the Lake University Armadillos
Blackburn College Battlin' Beavers
The University of Arkansas-Monticello Boll Weevils (the women's teams are called the Cotton Blossoms. I kid you not.)
Cal State Long Beach Dirtbags
South Dakota School of Mines Hardrockers
Tufts University Jumbos
Southwestern College Moundbuilders
Rhode Island School of Design Nads
In a story that has been kept under raps by the national media, Philadelphia quizmaster Johnny Goodtimes was one of several thousand fans at the 20th annual Punkin Chunkin in Delaware who was nearly killed by an errant pumpkin. Here Johnny tells his side of the story; a side of the story event organizers and the national press don't want you to hear.
It is a giant cornfield, filled with enormous, colorful cannons and gigantic catapults. Various booths sell Pumpkin memorabilia, cowboy hats, and pumpkin waffles. One booth sells freedom fries. There is a mechanical bull, carnival rides, and a large stage where bands play both types of music, country and western.
Welcome to the 20th Annual Punkin Chunkin in Millsboro, Delaware, where ordinary men have an opportunity, every November, to try to become legends of the gourd tossing community and where other ordinary men, such as myself, have an opportunity to use the phrase "punkin chunkin" hundreds of times over the course of the weekend.
It was the greatest question I've ever heard a reporter ask. Not a sports reporter. Any reporter. Ever. Ever. At TO's press conference, one reporter asked Drew Rosenhaus, "What have you done for TO besides get him kicked off the team?" In fact, it may be the best question I've ever heard one human being ask another one. (According to Blinq, it was Channel Six reporter David Henry). Check out D-Mac's running blog of the press conference and the insane letter he received about how Philly deserves a hurricane because of the way we treat TO. Quick question. Has anyone ever seen an athlete with a faster and more complete fall from grace? Palmeiro, maybe?
Sorry it's taken me this long to get to this story, because I'm a little behind the 8-ball after being in exotic Maryland all weekend. But being a responsible blogger means covering hot lesbian sex action stories, even if you are a day late. Here are pics of the two pom-pom wielders involved in the hot lesbian sex action. The two ladies have been fired from the team, and one of them faces a felony charge for decking a woman in the bathroom who was complaining about their hot lesbian sex action. Just so you ladies out there know, it is not illegal to perform hot lesbian sex action in a bathroom stall. In fact, I hear it is highly encouraged at a variety of bars that have trivia themed nights throughout the local area. Just letting you know.
BONUS COVERAGE! Here are some grainy pics of them after being arrested (including mugshots) in a story about how Penthouse wants to hire them.
Well, if you thought that homeland security wasn't invading your privacy, think again. And if you thought that the good news about that terrible photo of you on your driver's license was that it couldn't be seen by anyone else, I've got some bad news. You (or anybody else) can now find your license (and personal information contained on your license!) online. Go to the right side of the page and enter your name, city, and state. After your photo comes up, you can click "Remove" to remove it from the public viewing database. I highly encourage you to do so.
In what town in Sussex County, Delaware does the annual Punkin Chunkin take place?
Citing irreconcilable differences, the Nassawadox Nasties, headed by GM Johnny Goodtimes, have suspended Terrell Owens for the remainder of the fantasy season. "It was not an easy decision. Let's face it. Deion Branch (Terrell's backup) does not put up nearly as good fantasy numbers as Terrell," said a weary Goodtimes. "But TO was a cancer in the fantasy locker room." In August, TO had insinuated that Nasty quarterback Micahel Vick wasn't a winner, and that the team would have been better off with backup Brett Favre (a theory that has been disproven by Favre's horrible fantasy numbers the past few few weeks since he took over for Vick.) The Nasties, who are 4-5 on the season, entered the year looking unstoppable on paper, with RB's Holmes and Barber and WR's Owens and Moss. But the QB position has been an issue, and Moss and Holmes have been fighting injuries all year. "This really blows the big one," added the respected General Manager, who was almost killed by a flying pumpkin on Saturday (that story coming Tuesday.)
We Will Not Legitimize David Brooks took home a victory at the Bards on Thursday, fighting off a game Bros B4 Hos squad, 100-98. "Johnny, we think this is a big win," said team member Randall Worthington. "I'll be honest, after three rounds..." Priest Holmes is listed as questionable for Sunday's game against Oakland. "Johnny, come on, focus, this article is about us, not about your stupid..." I've got Clinton Portis as a back-up, but I really would hate to pull out Holmes and..."Damnit Johnny! Listen, we take two hours out of our week to play your stupid game, now the least you can do is..." Let's face it, Portis hasn't exactly lit up the scoreboard this year. "Screw you! Screw you, Goodtimes, and screw your stupid Dungeons and Dragons football game!" Was Willie Parker a flash in the pan? I could get him off waivers, but...
It was a shootout win for MAGMA at the Dog on Thursday, as they held off the SEPTA Replacement Workers, 107-106. After the match, several of the members of MAGMA suggested that those who use cell phones during the contest should have their ears cut off. This, of course came on the heels of Las Vegas's mayor saying that graffiti artists should have their thumbs lopped off. "He makes a good point about how the beheading in France stopped crime," said team member Tennessee "Mississippi" Taylor. "That put an end to violent crime in France, that's for sure."
Satan's Minions blew out WTF at the Sheep on Wednesday, then donated their gift certificate to the Chinese space program, in honor of their teammate, Mao Tse Tooth. The Chinese plan on sending a man to the moon in 2017. What hardy pioneers, going where no...well, several...men have gone before! If this venture is succesful, rumor has it they'll then try to blaze a trail across the Appalachian mountains!
ALSO: Johnny would like to give big ups to his favorite team name of the week. Septus Interruptus played at the Black Sheep on Wednesday.
Trust Us We Know blew out the competition at the 'Vous on Wednesday, then partied long into the night in celebration of Ralph macchio's 43rd birthday, which is today. "Karate Kid III was his best work," said team member Allison Eagle. "Are you kidding me?" asked Dell Doughnut. "The original was sensational." Jack Lundburger piped in, "You guys are both wrong. His best work was as Cop #2 in Popcorn Shrimp with Master P." Click below to learn more about this movie, which was directed and written by Christopher Walken.
Quizmaster and bon vivant Jonathon W. Goodtimes, IV was voted "Best Quizzo" by the readers of City Paper (OK, so it wasn't the readers of City Paper, per se. It was you guys. Big ups!) for the 2nd straight year. No pomp, no circumstance, and no butterfly shirts like last year, but hey, a win's a win. A couple of the bars where Johnny works also took top prize. O'Neals got "Best Place to Watch the Game", Locust Rendezvous won for "Best Poker Night", and the DIve won for "Best Bar You've Never Been To". Want to thank everyone who voted for me! You guys rock. I'd also like to thank the Academy. And Reverend Sun Myung Moon.
The Sofa Kingdom came from behind on Tuesday night to win at the Bards, then cheered as Bobby Abreu won a Golden Glove. Let me repeat that. Bobby Abreu won a Golden Glove. In other news, Scooter Libby won an award for "Ethics in Politics", Kyle Korver is expected to be named the NBA's defensive player of the week, and Justin Guarini is expected to win a Grammy for "lifetime achievment". Said Kingdom player Catbird Wallace, "Quit knockin' Guarini, Goodtimes. I used to play triangle in a band with him when he lived in Philly."
Those Republicans Sure Have a Good Sense of Humor won at O'Neals on Tuesday, then showed how funny Republicans can be with this website. Oh my, the French Army Knife! The Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky jokes! And damn those Dixie Chicks! Ooo-Boy, I hope you are ready to laugh the night away!
What do Dr. J, David Robinson, Kobe Bryant, and Johnny Goodtimes have in common? After this past Friday, it can be said that they all played at the Palestra. It can also be said that Johnny's long record of shameful hubris was never more painfully impertinent than in the previous two sentences. Regardless, Johnny hosted quizzo at the Palestra on Friday night, and the contest was won by a group of young Quakers called Monroe Community College, which is where this team of brash young upstarts went to hone their quizzo skills before moving to the big city. If you are thinking abotu a career in Public Safety, then I think I've got your college.
Trying to go away for a vacation this weekend. Here's the problem. There is only one f****** place in North America where it won't be raining this weekend. That's right. Philaf******delphia! Maybe I'll just vacation in Fishtown. I am dead serious. I have looked at every city, town and hamlet between Milwaukee and San Juan, Puerto Rico and it is going to rain in every single f****** one. Except here. In other news, yes, I did briefly entertain the notion of spending my weekend in Milwaukee.
Came across this strange entry on somebody's blog. I will buy a beer for anyone who can make sense of it.
Will Bunch got all Johnny Goodtimes with us and asked us to pimp his plans to save the Daily News. Bunch wants to scrap all of DN's various personalities and replace them with personalities.
Speaking of Johnny Goodtimes, we haven't forgotten about our weekly raffle. The site is decked out in orange this week because of Halloween, which is sort of lame, Johnny. Really, JG, why make such a big deal over Halloween? Anyways, here's this week's raffle winner. And by raffle winner, we mean "post we randomly selected that just happens to be at the top of the page when we wrote this." You're behind the curtain, people.
At first, it seems like they are bitter about one of my my raffles. Then it seems like they are having their own raffle. Then, upon further review, it seems like they are trying to make two points about two completely different topics in the same paragraph. Apparently they missed that day in 2nd grade when basic paragraph structure was introduced. By the way, if the gifted writer that wrote it is reading this, it's JGT, not JG. Sucka.
I brought up this point to a friend of mine a few days ago when I saw that Notre Dame had given Charlie Weis a contract extension after seven games. Ty Willingham was 7-0 in his first seven games at Notre Dame. Charlie Weis is 5-2. Willingham was fired after three years, and now Weiss is not only winning with the players that Willingham recruited, he just signed a ten year deal. Here's a good article calling out Notre Dame on this.
Whose garden grows with silver bells and cockle shells? (Please do not answer below. The question will be asked at quizzo this week.)
Today is the day of the dead in Mexico (Actually, it's two days, today and tommorrow). Here is a good synopsis of the holiday.
It was on this date in 1950 that two Puerto Rican Nationalists tried to kill Harry Truman. Pretty interesting story. Speaking of Puerto Rico, I was planning on going there friday, but the weather forecast says rain all weekend. Anybody got any bright ideas of where I should go at the last minute? Got Spanish class today, so I'll have to write more later.