October 2005 Archives

Here's a history of Halloween, and here's a countdown of the 50 best horror films ever. What do you think is the scariest movie ever? I haven't seen a ton of horror flicks, but the one that sticks out to me as the scariest I've ever seen is The Shining. One of the few instances where the movie is actually better than the book. I'm planning on watching Rosemary's Baby for the first time tonight. Finally, here's a collection of some of the worst costumes ever.
If anyone had a really ridiculous costume in the past, please expound below. I was wrestling legend Gorgeous Jimmy Garvin (below) when I was 12.

Johnny felt rotten all weekend, and didn't make it out to any Halloween festivities. In fact, he still isn't feeling great. Though early indications are that this is the bird flu, there has been some discussion in the medical community that it is scurvy. He has not, however, suffered any toilet related injury.

The Zombies at the Beach came in out of the sun long enough to win at the Bards on Thursday night, but as onlookers looked on in horror, they were consumed whole by zombies at the Bards. "I have never seen a human body ripped limb from limb," said stunned onlooker Beverly Weatherly. "It was horrifying...yet kind of cool (her spelling, not mine). Added Goodtimes, "You hate to see human beings eaten alive by vicious creatures after quizzo, especially during the holidays." Goodtimes added that special anti-zombie measures will be enacted before next year's Halloween quizzo spooktacular.

The Plum St. Ghost Dog edged the defending champs at the Good Dog on Thursday, and saw something happen that was eerily reminescent of the Philadelphia Experiment, which happened 63 years ago today. In the first photo, you'll see a Pabst Blue Ribbon can. But if you click on the photo to blow it up, it's gone. "The only possible explanation," says RPS legend and winner at the Good Dog C. Urbanus (left), "Is that the Navy performed an experiment to make the Pabst can defeat the space time continuum and travel to a distant location instantly, like Sulu being beamed up before he was gay."

I have no idea. All I know is that Russia is a wild place where you can be wild.

A couple of kool things are going on this weekend. First of all, I am going to be a part of Penn's midnight madness for the hoops team. Sadly, I will not be playing, but I will be hosting quizzo on the court at the Palestra, which is pretty exciting. Secondly, a great funk band, the Blue Method, will be performing at a great venue, Warmdaddy's in Old City, on both Friday and Saturday nights at 8 p.m.. Ginger, of Quizzo Bowl fame, tells me that these guys rock, and the show is free! Here's a weird one. Jerry Lewis will be talking about Dean Martin at the free library at 19th and Vine on Saturday night. Hanson is playing at the Troc tonight, but they are sold out. Let me repeat that sentence. Hanson is playing at the Troc tonight, but they are sold out. Looks like the MMMMBop never really went out of style. I highly encourage you to try to scalp tickets to this show, and then report back to me.

Peep My Popesack was victorious at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, but the team's celebration was cut short when they heard about Elmo's arrest. "I'd be lying if I said that we didn't see this coming," said Ethel Warbucks of the Popesacks. "He's been embittered about his loss of fame ever since the whole 'Tickle Me' thing died down, but I only recently realized that he was strapping heat. I hope this serves as a wake up call to him, as well as to Bert and Ernie. I'm afraid that Grover and the Cookie Monster are just too far gone to even wish for a miracle."

The The Great Jam-kin won the Johnny Goodtimes Spooktacular for the 2nd time in three years. It was discovered after the match that the giant pumpkin on the left was not a pumpkin at all, but team member Doug E. Stale, a local detective who does a lot of undercover work in nearby pumpkin patches.

Team Force 2000 received an unexpected visitor after their stirring win at the Bards on Tuesday. Former Chicago Black Sox pitcher Eddie Cicotte's ghost swung by the Bards on it's way to Houston. The ghost, which has been in a state of limbo since the disgraed Cicotte's death in 1969, was expected to be fully enveloped by the spiritual plane following the White Sox World Series win on Wednesday, which apparently exorcised the demons of that 1919 team. Except for that rascal Chick Gandil. He'll burn in hell.

Sweet Dave Burnsides (middle), a descendant of former Civil War General Ambrose E. Burnsides (below), led his team to victory at O'Neals on Tuesday. More importantly, he gave us an opportunity to write the name "Ambrose E. Burnsides", which is one of our favorite names ever. Sweet Dave is a little upset about his great-great grandfathers legacy. "Who the hell flipped around the words and made it sideburns? They were called burnsides and then some wiseass changed it. That's like someone having a stachemous. Preposterous!" Ambrose E. Burnsides may be dead, but the fieriness that made him such a warrior at the First Battle of Bull Run lives!

Last night, before Game Four of the World Series, the All-Latino team was announced. It featured players such as Roberto Clemente, A-Rod, and Fernando Valenzuela, among other undoubtedly great players. Am I the only one who thinks it's kind of strange, though, to be singling out a race and mentioning their great contributions in a sport that is truly integrated? Or is it fair, because they are honoring players from certain countries more than of a certain race? I understand honoring former Negro Leaguers who never had a chance to play in the bigs. But the great thing about sports in the modern era is that they are the great equalizer, and that the greatest, regardless of skin color, are honored accordingly. Why seperate them according to race? Would it be found to be insulting if we honored an all-black team or an all-white team? Well, let's find out. Below I have listed my all-black team, followed by my all-white team (I've got to admit, while I don't think that specific races should be honored by the MLB, it was a lot of fun coming up with my lists). Third is the all-latino team that was honored last night (They included relief pitcher, which I did not, since I don't think that position deserves the honor of being given equal status with the other positions). Please let me know which selections you disagree with.

The Sofa Kingdom came within one question of pulling off another perfect score on Thursday night at the Bards. The only question they missed was, "Other than Venetian red, what two other reddish hues share the same name as cities in Italy?" They answered Magenta and Maroon. The correct answer? Magenta and Siena. If, to celebrate Sofa Kingdom's failure to record another perfect score, you would like to visit Siena, here is an excellent website that will tell you what to see. If, on the other hand, you would like to celebrate their pain by smoking deadly marijuana, I would suggest a trip to Maroon Town, Jamaica.

The Stone Arrogant Bastards took home the gold at the Good Dog on Thursday, then expressed outrage at the comments of Air Force football head coach Fisher DeBerry. "What? He thinks that black athletes run faster than white athletes?" asked an incredulous Jackie Malone of the SAB'S. "Is he crazy? I mean, just look at the Olympics! Does the name Konstantinos Kenteris ring any bells? And just look at the legions of great white wide receivers and defensive backs who have played in the pros in the last 30 years! What to make of Mark Kelso? Should we just pretend like Tim Dwight never existed? Nice try, coach, but your opinion doesn't just line up with the facts."
P.S. Please check out the link someone mysteriously posted in the comments section. Pretty interesting.

...and we were, O'Neals will be celebrating it's 26th anniversary tommorrow. With the closing of Frank Clements a couple of years ago, can anyone think of a bar in or around Center City that has been around with the same name (and for that matter, same ownership) longer? Ray's Birthday Bar, maybe? If you know of any, write them below. I'm just curious. Anyways, they will be having $2 and $2.50 drinks all day and all night and a DJ at 10 pm.

I've got Spanish class today, so I'll be posting stuff later. But for now, enjoy these cat related websites sent to me by Mike (that's one of my cats, Malia, above). First off, we have Stuff on my Cat, followed by My Cat Hates You. And do you know what rhymes with cat? Pat! Pat Sajak! Happy 59th birthday to this fellow game show host and conservative commentator!

Stumbled across this website a few minutes ago, and thought I'd share. There was apparently a contest where people were encouraged to join two movie posters together to make one movie. Some of the results were freaking brilliant.

First of all, I am gonna ask that everybody just play once this week. There's only but so much s*** I can ask about Halloween. Secondly, if you have a spooky or Halloween appropriate tune you want heard this week, click here and let me know what it is. Also, I am starting to get things organized for Quizzo Bowl II. Help me out. I will be doing polls, such as the one at right (scroll down a little), to see what you guys want to see at QB II, and where you want it held. Help a brotha out. Finally, I have come across a couple of funny Halloween things to share. This comes from wikipedia: "Teenagers and adults instead celebrate Halloween with costume parties, staying at home to give out candy, listening to halloween music, scaring people half to death, or other social get togethers." Not only is the sentence structure extremely awkward, but if you use the phrase "Scare people half to death", aren't you required to say that with a southern accent? As in "You skkurred me hayalf to deyeth." Oh, and the National Retail Federation says that the 19th most popular adult costume this year will be "pimp". I'm not kidding.

I still remember the game. I had been rooting for Boston, even though I wasn't a Sox fan, per se. But I was 11 years old, and 11 year olds don't root for cokehead criminals who beat each other during practice. They root for teams who have players named Spike Owen and Oil Can Boyd. I remember cheering as the Sox inched closer to victory. They had a 5-3 lead with two outs and no-one on base in the bottom of the 10th. The Shea Stadium scoreboard read "Congratulations Boston Red Sox". Mets first baseman Keith Hernandez had gone to the clubhouse and cracked a beer. And then, suddenly, the Sox lost the ability to get an out. Three straight singles off Calvin Shiraldi. Bob Stanley replaced him, and threw a wild pitch that brought in the tying run. And then, Mookie Wilson hit a routine grounder to first base.

I cried for the next hour. It was that same sick feeling you get when a kicker misses a field goal at the end of a game or you read about the Titanic, and your mind tries to speak to the captain of a boat in 1912, telling him not to go so fast. I remember my dad saying, "They can still win in Game 7", but we both knew that wasn't true. They didn't win, and Bill Buckner, who played in four different decades, who won a batting title, and who finished with more hits than all but about 50 players who ever played the game, will be forever remembered as the guy who let that ball go through his legs.

Here's an article talking about what Buckner is up to these days. If you've got any vivid recollections of that game, feel free to share below.

Who had a hit with the song "Monster Mash"?

You can't stop the shining.

Thinking of going on vacation in a couple of weeks and am looking at possibly Puerto Rico, though Costa Rica is also an option. Has anybody been and have any suggestions about where to stay, what to do, etc? I would certainly appreciate it. Just post below or send me an email.

It was on this date in 1987 that Jim Bakker was indicted after laundering millions of dollars. Now, hundreds of you have been mailing me letters, asking, "Johnny, what are Bakker and that little spark plug of a wife up to these days?" Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. First of all, Tammy Faye decided that she no longer wanted to be married after he shacked up with Jessica Hahn, and the couple divorced in 1992. However, he has since remarried (as has she) and is currently ruling over the Jim Bakker Ministries Empire, where he sells flashlights for the Lord. The best part of this site is that, if you look at the bottm, you see that you can order a "Bakker's dozen" of 13 flashlights for just $200.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, for the 3rd straight year, Johnny will be hosting the Halloween Spooktacular at all quizzoes this week. Candy, scary music, and horrifying questions about halloween traditions, murders, and mayhem will all be found in abundance. To get you in the mood, here's some info on the greatest horror writer ever, Edgar Allan Poe, and here are some of his stories.

Why, yesterday was the anniversary! It was the worst accident I ever seen. And when they finally pulled the body from the heaping burning wreck it looked like...this!

Come on, peeps! I'm still waiting for your worst Rocky idea entries. Also, let me know what kind of wild card rounds you'd like to see in the future.

Johnny will be gone again tonight, as he heads to Virginia for the 2nd time in 6 days, this time to see one of his good buddies get married. Now, now. There, there, Thursday night players. Don't take this personally. You know I love you more than I love my Tuesday and Wednesday night players (don't tell them that, 'k?). Seperation makes the heart grow fonder. And next week I will have special treats for you guys, just to show you how much I care. Plus this gives you an opportunity to meet Trivia Art, Johnny's primary consultant and the man behind the website. And Triva Art will be giving away tix to Sun Volt and the Yonder Mountain String Band, both of whom will be playing this weekend at the Troc, as well as CDs of a great local funk band, the Blue Method.

Satan's Minions won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night for the 3rd time in their last four tries, then gave away the secret to their success-camel toads. "Yep, ever since we discovered that camel toads have hallucinogenic properties, we've been unstoppable," said Dewayne Dwight of the Minions. Though the JGT Ethics Committee frowns on performance enhancing drugs, they have given the ok to camel toads. "We no have problem weeth camel toad. Very good," said Elroy Sutcliffe of the Committee.

Trust Us We Know edged the Jams and the Legions of Ern at the 'Vous on Wednesday. After the match, team member Apache Jackson (below, 3rd from right) said that he fully intended to become the new lead singer of Van Halen. "I think I'll probably win the contest. I have the hair, I am criminally irresponsible, and I like to drink warm vodka."

The Sofa Kingdom, used to the lush and lavish quizzo experience provided by the New Deck, had to settle for an overtime victory at a dilapidated and 2nd class quizzo at the Bards. J. Rosenthal had recently stated in a Daily Pennsylvanian article that New Deck quizzo was "the only acceptable quizzo, really." Teammate Catbird Wallace stood by his statements. "This quizzo doesn't even provide us with warm hand towels and complementary chocolates like the one at the New Deck does." Catbird then left in a hurry, saying that he was late for band practice, where he plays the triangle.

As many of you know, my sister, "Big E" Goodtimes, got married over the weekend. It was, like, the most incredible wedding ever. I got in on Friday night, and there was a party next door to my dad's house, so we were able to get as housed as we wanted and only have to walk down the dirt lane (my dad lives at the end of a mile long dirt road).

Cru Thik and the 40 Bars All Stars were victorious at O'Neals on Tuesday night, one night after cold kicking it at an NYC party held by AI and the rest of the Crew Thik posse in NYC. This from Dan Gross's column:
It's a shame Allen Iverson's rap album never got released.
The Answer proved he can rhyme at a party Reebok threw in his honor Monday night at New York nightspot Canal Room.
Holding court in the VIP area, Iverson rapped along with DX, while the rapper, on A.I.'s Cru Thik label, performed onstage.
The New York City law banning smoking at restaurants and bars must not apply to marijuana as the smell of Sweet Leaf wafted out of the VIP area all night long. Iverson, who sipped champagne instead of his usual Corona, was not seen sparking up.

Hmmm. Goodtimes and AI played each other in high school in Virginia, then they both moved to Philly, and now they both rap at major events. Am I the only one smelling something fishy here?

A fierce fight in the break room (below, moments before the fiasco) at Johnny Goodtimes, Inc. erupted on Wednesday, as Pedro and Goodtimes got into an argument over whose fault it was for Thursday night's pictures not going up until Wednesday. The Axis of Evil Knieval won at the Good Dog, but did not see their photo for almost a week. "They were screaming at each other," said Cheryl from Accounts Payable. "Pedro said that Johnny was a terrible boss and Johnny said that Pedro was going to single-handedly ruin his empire. Then somebody said something about somebody's mother and all hell broke loose."

It's Good to Have Land won at the Bards on Thursday night, but the real story was that Johnny and Pedro had patched up their differences after Steve from Marketing broke up the squabble. "Yeah, things were a bit tense, so I stepped in and broke it up," said Steve (his calculator watch is shown below), who's been with the company for 17 years and has only used three sick days. Afterward, Goodtimes downplayed the incident. "Things around the office have been a bit punchy lately, what with all the layoffs. I think we were both just blowing off steam. No hard feelings." Pedro was not as conciliatory. "I'm going to wait til he's not looking, then I'm going to hit that p**** over the head with a car battery."

I've got two tix left to go see Adrift in Macao (valued at $86). Here's the deal. After the enormous success of Rocky VI, famed Hollywood producer Johnny Goodtimes has decided to film Rocky VII, under this stipulation: it has to be the worst idea for a Rocky movie yet. Even worse than the idea for the current Rocky film. So in comments below, you tell me what your Rocky film will be about. What happens to Adrian, what happens to Uncle Paulie, what's the name of the bad guy, will the Soviets be involved, etc.? Just a one paragraph synopsis of the Rocky film you want me to produce, best one gets the prize.

I've had several people approach me with ideas for 50-50 and wild card rounds. If you have any bright ideas for a 50-50 or a wild card round, just fill out the comment box below.

Something about this weather has me feeling loungey. Think I'll be playing some lounge jams tonight at quizzo. If anyone has any tunes they'd like to hear, just post them below or shoot me a request. Stay kool-Goodtimes

Do you ever flip to a tv station and realize that you have to be, literally, the only person in America watching what you are watching? That happened today, as I flipped to ESPN Classic and saw that they were showing a bowling match from 1985 between Steve Martin (no, not that one) and Gary Skidmore. Skidmore is quite the family man, and is a Pittsburg Steelers fan. He leads Martin by 11 pins after 4 frames. I'll keep you updated.
UPDATE: Skidmore held off a pesky Martin and took home the huge trophy (you should have seen this thing!), 256-253. Then his wife Sherry came down from the stands wearing the most hideous pastel dress you have ever seen and gave his moustached lips a big ol' smacker.

Tobe Hooper directed this film classic, which debuted on October 18, 1974.

The "bad guy" in the upcoming Rocky movie will be named Mason "The Line" Dixon. Apollo Creed? Great name. Clubber Lang? Not bad. Mason "The Line" Dixon? Huh? Was the name International "The Date" Line already taken? If they were looking for names of events of the 1750's, did they consider the name Frenchie "And Indian" Warr? Did Stallone want to pay tribute to his favorite 18th century surveyors? If you want to learn more about the Mason-Dixon line, click here. Actually, don't. Let's not kid ourselves. Nobody cares about the Mason Dixon Line. Also, it's believed that producers are negotiating with boxer Antonio Tarver to play Dixon. If there's one thing that we learned from Rocky V, it's that boxers automatically make great actors. Tommy Morrison's acclaimed film career (2 Oscars, multiple leading man roles) got it's start in Rocky V.

Moustache Rides: The Erotic Journey of Joseph Stalin was voted worst possible musical title, and Eric will be receiving tickets to go see the latest Philadelphia Theatre Company play, Adrift in Macao. Congratulations, Eric!

The Missing Heads may have won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, but they had no reason to be proud, as it was learned that the Minnesota Vikings weren't the only team to recently partake on a "pleasure cruise". The cruise with the Missing Heads on board might have been even more scandalous. Captain Hugh Hightower turned back the ship when it was learned that the Heads had used up all of the ranch dip for the vegetable spread, and he caught one of them throwing a Dorito at another guest on the boat. Added the captain, "I've been a pleasure boat captain for a long time, and I've never seen such indecency." It was also learned that instead of enjoying the beautiful sunset, several of the Heads played Boggle. "I just don't think they get what being on a pleasure cruise is all about," added the captain.

The Jams pulled off a victory at the Vous on Wednesday night, then spoke at length about the upcoming movie, Rocky VI. "If you thought Rocky V was great, then your going to love this one," said an excited James Duckworth. "In this one, Rocky's headed to Canada to get his prescription drugs refilled for cheap when an overzealous Mountie tries to start s*** with the 'washed up ex-champ'. Well, let's just say that Rocky would have kicked his ass if not for the arthritic hip. Instead, ol' Balboa talks about the Great Depression and FDR and 'that confounded rap music all the youngsters are listening to'. I'm not sure, but I think that this one has Tommy Morrison in it, too."

Whoever has the most votes when I wake up tommorrow morning will win the "Worst Musical Name Contest."

Hey, I'm heading home this weekend for my sister's wedding, so I might get a little backed up on stories and pics, etc. I'll be back on Sunday night, and will get everything caught up then. Wanna say thanks to everybody who came out to see Super Diamond last night, I hope you had fun. I hope everybody has a great weekend, and I look forward to seeing you next week! Take it lite-JGT.

Despite the fact that Johnny's career is skyrocketing (last week Rock paper scissors, this week Neil Diamond cover band, the sky is the limit?) and he won't be able to host quizzo tonight, the show will go on. Oh yes. Pedro Mays will be serving as your amiable host at both the Good Dog and the Bards.

The Sofa Kingdom, who had an enormous article written about them in the Daily Pennsylvanian, lost at the Bards for the second straight week, this time falling to a two man wrecking crew called Persistently Dangerous. Has this team lost it's mojo because of stardom? Will the Kingdom recapture their magic? Or is Persistently Dangerous going to become the new media darling? And finally, can Johnny's ego stand the fact that this was probably the most exhaustive article ever written about quizzo, and his name is not even mentioned once? Stay tuned.

Johnny's handlers have announced that he is listed as "doubtful" to rap at tonight's show. "Johnny suffered a bruised larynx while rapping at the RPS tourney on Saturday, and we feel at this time, it would be folly to push it, push it good," said his physician, Dr. Bartleby McDowell. "He needs to give the old rap voice a rest."

Jon Cook Isn't Participating won at O'Neals on Tuesday night, but were not as successful getting Kirk Cameron off their table. "We know that his 35th birthday was Wednesday," said a frustrated Gabrielle Bartman, "But that didn't mean he had to climb up on the table and hog the spotlight. He said he was 'Flexing for Jesus,' but I don't even know what that means." Click here to find out what's going on in Kirk's world, or click here to read this surreal story about somebody ruining Kirk's shirt in the wash when his father in law died. BTW, he ended up marrying the girl who was hsi girlfriend on Grwoing Pains. No kidding. As for his sister Candace, well she's married to some hockey player and has three kids. A total bummer. "DJ" grew up to be totally hot.

One of my favorite people in American history, Joshua A. Norton, was the only emperor in the history of the United States. It was on this date in 1859 that he ordered the United States Congress to dissolve. Sadly, they did not. There is talk of an emperor coming to Philadelphia, but all we've heard thus far have been whispers. We'll let you know if anything comes up.

...I thought you might enjoy this quote from Mick Jagger in his early days of rock stardom. "I'd rather be dead than singing 'Satisfaction' when I'm forty-five." How about when you're 62, Mick?

As many of you know, I was fortunate enough to host the 1st Annual Rock Paper Scissors Keystone Classic on Saturday night. If I had to describe the event in one word, that word would be...intense. There was an intensity brought by the stars of the sport, such as the Midnight Rider. The complete drunks who yelled throughout the contest brought a certain intensity. The bachelorette party, complete with the bride-to-be showing her t*** on stage, brought a certain level of intensity, as did the fans who came to see the heavy metal band that took the stage following the tourney. Yep, it was one of those nights that is magical, as much for the reason that no-one got killed as anything else.

People act as if gang violence is always a bad thing. Well, w/o it, one of Philly's greatest groups would never have been! That's right, Darryl Hall and John Oates met while running from gang violence. This from Wikipedia: Daryl Hall first met John Oates at the Adelphi Ballroom in Philadelphia in 1967 while attending Temple. Both were heading their own musical groups - the Temptones (Hall) and the Masters (Oates) - at the time. They were there at a band competition when gunfire rang out between two rival black gangs, and in trying to escape, they ran to the same service elevator. Because of their similar musical tastes, they quickly became acquainted.
Why is this important? Because today is Darryl Hall's birthday! As for the pic above, well, that was a little gem I found inside an album I discovered at a yard sale and bought immediately. Here's some totally kool H & O trivia!

There is little debate that George Bush has not been a succesful president. Almost everything in America is worse off than it was when he took office, with the notable exception of religious extremism. But where does W rank among the worst ever? This was a question posed to a number of historians in 2003, and their conclusion were interesting. Over 80% rated him as a failure, and most thought he was the second worst ever, besides Nixon. Here's a typical assessment:
"My assessment is that George W. Bush’s record on running up debt to burden our children is the worst since Ronald Reagan; his record on government surveillance of citizens is the worst since Richard Nixon; his record on foreign-military policy has gotten us into the worst foreign mess we’ve been in since Lyndon Johnson sank us into Vietnam; his economic record is the worst since Herbert Hoover; his record of tax favoritism for the rich is the worst since Calvin Coolidge; his record of trampling on civil liberties is the worst since Woodrow Wilson. How far back in our history would we need to go to find a presidency as disastrous for this country as that of George W. Bush has been thus far? My own vote went to the administration of James Buchanan, who warmed the president’s chair while the union disintegrated in 1860-61."
It would be interesting to see what they thought now, after it was discovered that his office outed a CIA agent, the war in Iraq has taken a turn for the worse, and the embarrasment that was the Katrina rescue effort.

But a recent poll done by a professor at Northwestern and the Wall Street Journal has him doing a little better, finishing as the 19th best president. Here is an article claiming he is the worst ever written this past May. Another claim of him as worst ever written last week.

Our second mysterious death in the past week! Meriwether Lewis died on this date in 1809, and people have speculated about the cause of his death ever since. Most people think it was suicide, and a University of Iowa professor recently concluded as much. But there are those who remain convinced that it was murder. Mysterious deaths in the 19th century rule!

In Japan, this is known as Jan Ken Pon.

There is sure to be some controversy, but Johnny has picked his favorite bad Broadway play titles, and now is time to vote for the one you think is worst! The one that wins gets two free tickets to the Philadelphia Theatre Company's production of Adrift in Macao. To vote, just scroll down until you see the poll on the right hand side of the page.

Entry #1: Jeff
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Planned Parenthood

Entry #2: Jerry
FEMA: The Musical

Entry #3: Gary
Peeps!!! The Multicolor Marshmellow Musical!

Entry #4: Terri
Mortgage!

Entry #5: Tamin
Pedal Like You Mean It

Entry #6: Jeanne
Kitties in Heat

Entry #7: Miriam
Let's Take a Pole! The zany musical about the first Polish Pope!

Entry #8: Eric
Moustache Rides: The Erotic Journey of Joseph Stalin

Entry #9: Art
Saved by the Bell: The Musical

Entry #10: Larry
Haggis!

Ed Wade is Audi like 5 G's! Here's a link to the message board discussing it. It's going to be a tough job for whoever comes in, but there is obviously some potential with this team. Wish they could build a team around Utley, Howard, and Rollins, but they have so many no-trade clauses that Wade offered that make things so difficult. It's easier said than done to drop Thome, Bell, Lieberthal, and Abreu. We'd have to eat all of those contracts. Don't know how it's going to be done. Unfortunately, the one we let slip away in terms of manager (Jim Leyland) just signed with Detroit. Also, I would like to apologize for using the term "Audi like 5 G's."

Johnny will be hosting the Surreal Neil and the Super Diamond show at the Trocadero on Thursday night! Wait a minute, Johnny, don't you host quizzo on Thursday nights? Yes, I do. However, you will be in good hands, as my protege Pedro Mays will be doing the honors on Thursday.

The Super Diamond show should be something special, as the Man in Black will be the opening act! That's right, you get to hear the songs of Johnny Cash and Neil Diamond in the same place on the same night! It gets better! If you come to quizzo on Tuesday and Wednesday, I will be giving away tons of Super Diamond tickets. I have 100 tix to give away! Super Diamond was named by Rolling Stone magazine as one of the top tribute bands on earth! I'm using way too many exclamation points, and they are starting to lose their emphasis!

One of my favorite politicians of all time is celebrating a special day today. Well, he would be if he were still alive. It was on this date in 1973 that Spiro Agnew was indicted for tax fraud! Of course, Spiro is more famous for having the name Spiro Agnew than for anything he actually did, because if you rearrange the letters of his name you get "Grow a Penis." (BTW, if you rearrange the letters in my name you get "Joy! Smooth ending" and hedonism joy tong". If you wanna anagram your own name, go here.) One team thought Agnew got a raw deal.

There has been a backlash against Columbus Day in recent years (with good reason). In Venezuela last year, a statue of Columbus was toppled in Venezuela on Columbus Day and dragged through the streets, much to the dismay of Pat Robertson. Here is an interesting take on Columbus, while here is a fairly pathetic defense of him. So I won't be celebrating the sailing skills of a mass murderer. But I will be celebrating Canadian Thanksgiving!

Last night I spoke with Jam Master Sean (aka C. Urbanus), who is running the First Anunal Keystone Classic, which I will be hosting tonight at Whiskey Dix (421 North 7th Street, 1/2 block north of Callowhill), . Here were his thoughts heading into this historic Rock, Paper, Scissors event.

Johnny: Let's talk to the first timers out there. What kind of mindset do have to be in going into your first match?

JMS: I always say that the first tournament is a learning experience. You have to go in, see what it's like, and play against the professionals. If you can make it a couple of rounds, you've done pretty well. You're going to be going up against some of the top players in the region, if not the country. The bright lights may distract you. There will be lots of press there, lots of media, the lights will be shining down on you, (He's serious, btw, the Learning Channel and KYW are both expected to be there.) and that's kind of unnerving.

The rumor mill has been spinning furiously lately, and Johnny would like to address those rumors. He will NOT be rapping tonight at the First Annual Keystone Classic. He doesn't know where people get off starting these rumors. "Rapping at the Keystone Classic? Yeah, right. What rhymes with scissors? It is absurd for anyone to think that I would sully my pristine reputation with something as silly as a rap song!" Case Closed!

A spokesman for Philadelphia Gas Works, Henry Kibbles, said today that PGW is "looking forward to killing a lot of poor people this winter!" Kibbles added that he saw what happened with Katrina and thought, "We can do right here with gas what Hurricane Katrina did with wind and rain!" PGW will be adding a 19% gas hike today to the 5% hike they added on September 1st. They will then be adding another increase on December 1st. In addition, they will be cutting off the gas of people who can't afford their bills throughout the winter. "It's what we call putting 'the freeze' on the poor!" explained Kibbles, who then began laughing maniacally.

Four of the members of the Philadelphia Utilities Commission (PHUC) gave the proposal the go-ahead. Said PHUC spokesman Marvin "The Iceman" Garvin , "Look, we're trying to encourage rich white people to move into the city. The last thing they want is to live in a city with a bunch of poor people. If we can kill the poor people off, we can encourage the rich people to move here!"

The email addresses of the four members of the Philadelphia Utilities Commission who voted in favor of this increase are posted below. PLEASE send them an e-mail to tell them what you think of them allowing the poor to be thrown out on the streets during the winter. Even if it's only a quick note. A month after Katrina, please don't forget that there are those less fortunate than us whose lives are going to be ruined by these people. Yes, I am aware that prices were going to go up after the hurricane, but there is no reason for the average person in Philadelphia to pay over twice as much for gas this winter as they did in 2003, which is what a PGW spokesman recently confirmed. That is gouging.

James Cawley: jhc@state.pa.us
Bill Shane: wshane@state.pa.us
Kim Pizzingrilli: kpizzin@state.pa.us
Terry Fitzpatrick: tfitzpatri@state.pa.us

Edgar Allen Poe died under mysterious circumstances on October 7, 1849. There are a number of theories about his death, but it's hard to know what really happened, because no autopsy was done. Here's what a cardiologist from the University of Maryland concluded in 1996. If you have not visited the Poe House on Spring Garden, I highly recommend it. Read The Black Cat before visiting. That story is really brought to life in the basement.

Rene Has Simplex Two won at the Bards on Thursday night by a single point, then denied charges that they had stolen a human brain with the hopes of making their horse run faster. "Are you kidding me?" said Rene Nehemiah "That's ridiculous! Wha-what, that brain on the table? Huh-huh. Oh, we bought that yeeeeears ago. It's a good luck charm. The horse? Oh, well, that's Barry's beautiful Arabian. Like he would pump it full of human brain! Ha-ha. Ha-ha. That's ridiculous." Nehemiah then took off running.

The Axis of Evil Knieval's win at the Good Dog was of small consolation to the group of die-hard Nick Lachey fans. "Yeah," said Sally McSweeney. "We were heartbroken when 98 Degrees broke up, but nothing can compare to the pain of this." The pain she is referring to, of course, is the break up of Nick and Jessica Simpson, a break up facilitated by her apparent romance with a local avian flu doctor, Dr. Bartleby McDowell, M.D.

Satan's Minions knocked off a number of big named teams at the Black Sheep, including the River of Rocks, the Missing Heads, WTF, and TO's Family. Of course the reason the place was so packed on Wednesday was because of whtat the winner got in addition to the $40 gift certificate-a private concert featuring Haddaway! "Dude, he...was...so...awesome," said a star-struck "Hubba" Bubba Jefferson. "I mean 'What is Love' is a phat enough jam on it's own. But seeing it live. Man, what an experience. Thank you, Johnny Goodtimes, Inc., for making my dreams come true!"

The Jams pulled off a victory at the 'Vous on Wednesday, then talked about how excited they are to have Barry Melrose back in action. Said Rob Crabtree, "Listen, I could care less about hockey. But there's something about that Barry Melrose I just can't get enough of. Last season, there was a big void in my life. I was hoping that, with all his extra free time, he could come by my house and hang out or we could wrestle or something. But he didn't answer my fan mail. Oh well, he's still the best, and he's still got the most kickass Kentucky Waterfall ever."

Penguins are funny!

Alrigth, gang, get your ideas for a funny Broadway musical title in today, as I will be accepting entries until midnight tonight. I will determine my favorites over the weekend, and we will vote on which one we think should win next week. The winner receives two great seats to see the upcoming Philadelphia Theatre Company's performance of "Adrift in Macao."

It seems like everybody is talking about the avian flu that has us all shaking in our boots. But it's so hard to find reliable information about this pandemic that has killed almost 65 old people in Asia. Enter Dr. Bartleby McDowell, M.D. Dr. McDowell, M.D. has been practicing in the medical profession for over 23 years, and has earned the respect of the entire Philadelphia physician community with his work on various flus and bugs. We are very excited to welcome him as the newest member of our team! Dr. McDowell, M.D. answers tough questions from you our readers after the jump!

Well, my good friends at Philadelphia magazine have a poll of sorts going on. They want to know who you think the best five Philadelphians ever were. Now some are easy, such as Ben Franklin and Richard Gere. But that leaves you with three slots to fill. Now I'll leave two to you, and ask that on the third you write "Johnny Goodtimes". Let's face it, every man, woman, and child in America could enter my name and they wouldn't give me credit for it, but it might still be fun, just to piss them off.

The Harriet Myers Penn Club pulled off a coup d'etat at the Bards on Tuesday, leaving the Sofa Kingdom in 3rd place. But the team plans on using it's minds for things more devious than quizzo. "We're going to bust L'il Kim out of prison," said Stanley Maplethorpe. "We've assembled the brightest minds in the city to pull this off. I figure if I can be the one that gets the credit for breaking her out, she'll probably want to abscond to Costa Rica or Topeka or somewhere with me and she'll be mine forever." Godspeed, Maplethorpe. Godspeed.

A little bit of good news and a little bit of bad for Dave Doesn't Give a Damn at O'Neals on Tuesday night. They edged the JGT All-Stars, 88-86, but got some bad news after the contest. "Yeah, [team member] Vinny's gonna be heading back to New York to quarterback again," said a dejected Randall Bootsworthy. "He had hoped to stay retired and play a lot of quizzo. I mean, for goodness sakes, he's 58 years old. It's time to rest the arm and exercise the mind. But the NFL pays more than a $25 gift certificate, so I can't hold it against him. The Jets may be gaining a rifle arm, but we're losing a guy who really knows his 19th century authors. We're screwed."

Got this email earlier, and thought you might enjoy it. Thanks to James for sending this in. If you see anything interesting, weird, funny, etc., that you think our readers would be interested in, please send it to johnny@johnnygoodtimes.com. As far as the Broadway play contest, it's on fire right now, with over 50 submissions. Be sure to get yours in before Friday!

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

JGT: Thank you for joining us in the Johnny Goodtimes Round table discussion. Today we're talking baseball. The playoffs are upon us, and we've got some wonderful guests to discuss them with us. We'll get to Nelly, K7, and Vanilla in just a minute, but let's start with Grand Puba, formerly of Brand Nubian. Jose Contreras will be throwing for the White Sox in Game One. What kind of pitches do you see him throwing early, Mr. Puba?

Puba:First batter up well here's the pitch - it's a curve
Second batter up because the first got served
The one who arouse, as I browse for a blouse
Kick styles by the piles, as I leave a trail for miles
Skins when I please, hit from here to Tel Aviv
I'm gettin G's, no more time for the line of free cheese
Here's the four one one hon, the one who gets the job done
I know you know the flavor of the Puba

JGT: Interesting theory. By the "four one one" I assume he is talking about Game 2 starter Tim Wakefield. Wakefield's ERA is actually 4.15. David Ortiz has certainly hit from here to Tel Aviv this year, hasn't he? 47 dingers and 132 RBI's. Next we speak with Nelly. Nelly, being from St. Louis, is a big Cards fan. Nelly, the Cardinals will be facing young right hander Jake Peavey. Do you think that they should be aggressive against the 24 year old, or should they be patient at the plate and try to draw some early walks?

The first ever Hooters was established on October 4th, 1983, in what US city? (What? You think I used the question of the week as an excuse to put a pic of Hooters girls on the website? You should be ashamed of yourself!) Hey, be sure to post your worst Broadway musical title for a shot at some great theatre tix.

Remember Heartbreaker Harley? Well, he was adopted over the weekend! In other PSPCA news, there is going to be a "Yappy Hour" on Wednesday at 32 Degrees. You can bring your dog to this event, and there are rumors that there might even be a local "dairy mogul" at said event.

Just when you think you can't read anything weirder, when you think this city has blown your mind to the point where even the strange seems normal, you come across this in Dan Gross's column. The first part is a pretty normal thing to read in Dan-o's column. The second part changes everything:

Phillies slugger Jimmy Rollins celebrated his hitting streak the other night at 32° (16 S. 2nd) with teammates Kenny Lofton, Ryan Howard and Shane Victorino. 32's Ira Zipper gave Rollins a bottle of Moet champagne as a gift.

The next night,Beth Twitty, mother of Natalee Holloway, the Alabama teen missing in Aruba, was in the club with local dairy mogul Joe Mammana.

Whaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!?????? Let me get this straight. Natalee Holloway's mom is not only in Philly, but she's hanging out with a "local dairy mogul" at 32 Degrees? And furthermore, there's such a thing as a "dairy mogul"? This is one of the most insane things I've ever read.

Philadelphia's smoothest quizmaster put another feather in his cap recently when he was named one of Philadelphia's 40 Under 40 by socialphilly.com. But it was one of the other guys on the list who has captured our imagination. Anthony DiMeo, or "DIII", as he calls himself, made a name for himself when he sued former Philly Weekly writer Jessica Pressler earlier this year. I believe the charge was "teasing". Pressler made fun of a Christmas card he had sent out, so he sued her for $50,000. "DIII"'s website is absolutely priceless, as "DIII" tries to encourage people to let him manage their wealth, while at the same time discussing his acting roles and his blueberry picking. Yes, "DIII" is a blueberry heir, which leads to the most priceless sentence on the website: "The primary duty of managing and supervising the crop harvest was not an easy task, considering the number of migrant workers involved in the picking process." "DIII" is my new favorite Philadelphia celebrity, which is saying a lot when you realize how much I like myself.

Johnny is giving away two free tix for great seats to the Philadelphia Theatre Company's production of Adrift in Macao. All you have to do to win is to write down in the comments section below the most ridiculous name for a Broadway musical you can think of. This is a title you make up, not what actual show had the funniest title. The person who comes up with the best/worst/funniest title wins the two free tix, which would cost you $86 if you bought them. Best of luck.

Way to hold onto a 4-3 lead. We really appreciate the help, you sorry bums. Moving on, should we fire Ed Wade before next season? This guy thinks so. How about Charlie Manuel? I like Charlie, and I think he did a great job with the young talent (keep in mind, Howard really struggled when he first came up, and Manuel didn't get angry about it), but I do think he made some real bonehead decisions, and he wore out the bullpen by unnecessarily using them in blowouts. If Jim Leyland had been manager, I think we'd be talking playoffs right now.

Jeb Bush's imaginary friend Chang was released at the Bards on Thursday, helping the Sofa Kingdom blow past the smack talking but meek minded Good to Have Land. The GTHLers crumbled under the pressure, embarrassing not only themselves but their ancestors with a weak score of 73.

In a humiliating blow to Johnny Goodtimes, Inc. the once venerated quizmaster was reduced to borrowing somebodies camera phone to snap the following, pathetic photo of the team that won, Tuna and Grits. The team that he borrowed the phone from was called, ironically enough, Johnny Jumped the Shark. A sad, sad performance from a once proud franchise.

Satan's Minions won in a blowout at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, but were unhappy with their win being commemorated by another one of Johnny's non-sequiter pieces, this one having to do with an aardvark (below). "Johnny may think baby aardvarks are funny," said team member LaFonda Rembrandt. "But we don't get it. I mean it's just an animal, I don't...what? You spell it how? Oh, my. That is funny!"

It should have been a banner day for the Daily Specials. They had pulled off the improbable, coming from 11 down in the final round to take a win away from the red hot Trust Us We Know. But the team was in a solemn mood after the contest, consoling team member Paris Hilton, who recently broke off her engagement. "This comes as a shock to us all," said Jasper Weinburger of the Specials. "It was all so perfect. Getting married to a Greek Shipping heir, she was gonna be the next Jackie O. Except that Jackie O. wasn't an ugly slut. And she had class and style. And a brain. But other than that there were so many similarities."

At 10:54,
went to the website, and saw
Jim is our winner!