September 2005 Archives

There has never been a higher intensity haiku competition in the history of the world, as Jim F. has staged a last minute comeback and, as of 3:38, we've got a tie! I'm going to extend the contest. Whoever is leading when I wake up tommorrow morning and check the site will be the winner. That could be 9 am. It could be noon. Hard to say. Ok, so it won't be 9 am.

You ever see an animal with that, "Why doesn't anybody love me?" face that just melts your heart? Well, that's Harley, and he needs to be adopted so he can have a new "Look, somebody loves me!" face. If you know anybody looking for a dog, please tell them about Harley, a German Shepherd mix. He is housebroken and affectionate, but most people look past him when they come to the pound because they want puppies. But come on, puppies poop everywhere and yelp and are downright annoying. If you are interested, please send me an email at johnny@johnnygoodtimes.com, and I will put you in touch with the SPCA. Please tell any friend you have who is looking for a new dog.

...to anyone who punches former Education Secretary William Bennett in the face. Bennett said that "aborting every black baby in this country" would reduce the crime rate.

With only a few hours to go, it looks like Nate is going to take the haiku contest, barring a last minute comeback from Jim F.

Longstreet Lost the War pulled off an impressive win at the Bards on Tuesday, but team member Parsnip Cabbagepaw suffered a concussion on Wednesday when he was hit by a baseball thrown by Chewbacca at Fenway Park. Details of the incident are fuzzy at best. We'll try to keep you updated as news of the incident breaks. Nevermind. Maybe we'd be better off just leaving this one alone.

The JGT All-Stars edged out the Young, the Old, and the Restless at O'Neals on Tuesday night, but the win did not seem to affect Popiko "Popo" Goodtimes at all. He continued to lie on his favorite chair, daydreaming about wet food. "My cats are really smart," said Goodtimes, "But they don't get excited about quizzo. When we play at home, a lot of times they even get up and leave the room, just to avoid the volume of the loudspeakers." There are reports that Popo's lacksadaisical attitude has something to do with his being offered for $2 at Johnny's yard sale on Saturday.

It's Good to Have Land laid the smackdown today, as team member Steve Lambeau said, "Sofa Kingdom might wanna make this little break they've taken recently a permanent vacation. There are new sheriffs at the Bards, and they're wearing assless chaps." Meanwhile, Nate of the Sofa Kingdom has had to look on in horror, as his lead in the haiku contest has evaporated, with voting ending tommorrow. The winner gets two free tix to the Adventure Aquarium in Camden. There are a lot of people winning free tix to upcoming shows at the Troc. All you gotta do to be eligible is play quizzo tonight.

Not since the ACLU came to the side of Rush Limbaugh in his pill-popping case have we seen anything like this: Johnny Goodtimes is defending a writer for Philly mag who is under fire from all fronts. Noel Weyrich wrote the only interesting article in the most recent episode of Philly mag, one about the disappearance of local girl LaToyia Figueroa, and now he's getting blasted for it. It seems that the people bashing him, such as Will Bunch at Attytood, get caught up in the personal attacks on bloggers and miss the real point.

So I'm relaxing by the fireplace in my luxury home the other night, reading my latest issue of Philadelphia Magazine. And by reading, I mean flipping through 200 pages of ads for handbags and Stephen Starr and looking at pictures of rich white people. Now keep in mind, it took a while for me to even get the magazine open, because I couldn't stop staring at Kevin Bacon on the front cover, sporting the worst haircut I've ever seen on an actual human being. He looked like a 15 year old girl in 1994. Anyway, I'm trying to make up my mind about whether or not to read some article about Chaka Fattah's wife (ok, ok, so they occasionally cover rich black people) when I saw a sidebar about Jessica Pressler's infamous Sixth Borough article.

...Idi Amin or PGW? I'll give you a little while to mull over that one. I'll be back this afternoon with my response to the cheap shot I received from Philadelphia Magazine. Also, be sure to vote for your favorite haiku.

The Man in Black will be appearing at the World Cafe Live on Friday night. It's a cd release party for a local artist named Kate Gaffney. Tix are $12. By the way, the free ticket raffles were a huge success last night. The Troc was nice enough to give me a bunch of tix, so we had a lot of winners, and will have a lot more tonight!

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? You try for a completely unnecessary base with two outs and the hottest bat in the majors coming to the plate? I was so wrong about being wrong about you.

Johnny Goodtimes is teaming up with the Trocadero to give you free tickets to upcoming shows! Over the next couple of weeks, Johnny will be giving away tickets to The Faint, Blues Traveler, Philly favorite Amos Lee, and Super Diamond, which is, you guessed it, a Neil Diamond cover band! I've got lots of tickets to give away and not much time to do it. All you have to do to have a chance to win is show up at quizzo!

Whose assassination, ordered by King Ptolemy, was carried out in late September, 48 BC?

I shoulda believed the hype. You're a bunch of bums.

To read part one click here. TO read part two, click here.
The interview picks up where we left it last time, talking about whether or not a black person would ever root for a white underdog. As many of you know, Bernard made some disparaging comments about Donovan McNabb in February after the Eagles lost the Super Bowl. "I'm disappointed at how he reacted the last minutes of the game, just walking up to the line. If you're sick, take yourself out and put in the man on the sideline...T.O., he was playing with a broken leg. I mean, come on, man. I had a dislocated shoulder when I fought Antwun Echols and he slammed me down in our second fight. But I kept fighting." McNabb was unruffled. "You know, in a situation like this, if it's T.O. or Bernard Hopkins, if it's whoever may decide to take shots, the whole offseaon, the best way to handle it is to be yourself and being able to understand what is at hand. What's at hand is for me to be prepared and ready to go to lead this team to a Super Bowl win." Apparently not a McNabb fan, Bernard doesn't hold back in this one either.

Just want to warn everyone playing quizzo this week. I wore the same Phillies shirt on Friday and Sunday, both wins. I will be wearing it again tonight to the game. If they win tonight, I will obviously be wearing it until they lose. There will be no washing of the shirt until we lose. It's the least I can do to help get my team to the playoffs.

On Friday night, I did my finger thing, which originated when I was young and rooting for a team that was losing by three in the tenth inning. I crossed my arms and rubbed my thumb and middle finger together consistently. My team hit a grand slam in the tenth. I've been using it in very important games ever since, and it paid off for the Phils on Friday. Of course, it's not the kind of thing you take lightly. I would never do the finger thing during games in May or June. I did it last year in October, however, and helped the Red Sox defeat the hated New york Yankees. I didn't feel like they needed it in the World Series, though, so I didn't dilute it's powers. I'll be trying to do the same this year with the Phils. Women who are reading this are thinking, "See, this proves that men are completely out of their minds." Men who are reading it are thinking, "Does the finger thing work in football games, too?" Here's a good article on baseball superstition.

Boy, narrowing down the haikus to the best one's was awfully tough, because there were so many really, really awful haikus. But here's the one's I liked best. Vote for 'em on the right.

The Funk:
Purple, orange, blue
Colors bring calm. Then, panic:
Doc, check out this rash

Darth Voolfie:
Saturday night smooth
Chattin' up babes at the club
spankin' it again

Jim F.:
Shiver me timbers,
Pirate life is blessed indeed.
Where's my parrot now?

Nate:
Oh iPod nano...
I always kiss you goodnight.
I need a girlfriend.

Eric: (one of Miranda's students)
I don't want to write.
Mondays make me real tired.
Saturday's the best.

Leigh Anne:
Philadelphia:
The City of Brotherly
Love Handles: eat up!

Jon:
George W. Bush
Mission Accomplished? Yeah, right.
Where is Osama?

Darth Ern:
What's a Liberal?
whine,whine,whine,whine,whine,whine,whine!
That's a Liberal!

Here's acollection of some of the worst baseball cards ever. Thanks to Chip for sending this in. Here's some more good ones I found while cruising the web this morning. In the really, really stupid department, a news story about a cookbook based on Leonardo da Vinci's "Golden Ratio" a mathematical value that was used to build the pyramids and has since been found to exist most everywhere in nature. Thanks to Tessa for sending this in. I'm thinking about writing a cookbook based on the Pythagorean theorem. Actually, I just said that so I can once again offer one of my favorite quotes ever, proffered by the Big Socrates himself, Shaq: "My game is like the Pythagorean theorem. Nobody can figure it out."

People are starting to worry about Goodtimes, as he went to Oktoberfest yesterday, and got housed by German beer. He was drinking water by 9:30 p.m. "Germans aren't the brightest," said Goodtimes. "They spelled October wrong, and they held the freaking thing in September. Duh." Then he went to that found thing at Fergies. It was pretty funny. Also just randomly happened to be sharing a table with one of his favorite bloggers in Philly, D-Mac of philadelphiawilldo.com.

Are you kidding me?!! Are you f****** kidding me?!! David Bell??!! David F****** Bell??!! I was so wrong about you!!! All hail David Bell!! Hurrah!!! Hurrah!!!

Great job by Frank Fitzpatrick in today's Inquirer summing up what I was trying to say so clumsily last weekend on WIP.

It's Good to Have Land won at the Bards on Thursday, then celebrated by getting Johnny wasted. They just kept ordering beer after beer, then came with the Jaeger (add your own umlaut). Johnny stumbled home at 3 am, then crashed on his couch. He didn't wake up until 11:15 (a whole half hour later than he usually wakes up), and the headache he felt the next morning was almost inhuman. As of press time, Johnny still felt like s***.

The Angry Atter Boys were not pleased on Thursday, despite an impressive win at the Good Dog. "I can't believe FOX cancelled Head Cases after only two episodes," said a distraught Sally Lemmings. I mean it had Chris O'Donnell, and just look at this write up. It looks like comedy gold to me.'" History was almost made at the Dog last night as well. Dumpster (below) went into the fourth round with only 8 points, and would have recorded the lowest score ever if they had missed all the questions in round four. But they nailed two questions and finished with the 2nd lowest score ever, an 18.

Hey people, I'm having a sidewalk sale tommorrow, starting at 10 am. There's a big one going on like a block over, so i figured i'd go leech-style and have one, too. gonna be cooking hot dogs and hamburgers too, so swing by, if only to grab a burger and play it kool. and yeah, the tv'll be outside, so we can watch some football. the crib is located at 723 South 19th Street (between bainbridge and fitzwater). we'll be kicking it from like 10-4.

With Britney sidelined with a baby, the producers of the perfume "Curious" realized that the sweet smelling potion wasn't gonna sell itself. So they hired one of the all-time winningest teams in JGT quizzo history, the Missing Heads, to promote the perfume. "Were we surprised?" asked team member Stevie Thunder. "Yes, but we've always considered ourselves to be one of the sweetest smelling teams in quizzo. And you have to remember, we've got a large fan base consisting mostly of impressionable young women, and they'll buy anything we're selling."

Trust Us We Know made a controversial trade in the week leading up to this week's contest at the Vous, and the gamble paid off, as they knocked off the Jams, 108-107. On Monday, the team traded the talented but troubled Sun Myung Moon to a quizzo team in India for the Maharishi and a minor leaguer to be named later. "Yeah, Moon was good, but he kept trying to get us to marry each other and stop talking to our parents," said team member Star Myung Planet. "We felt like the Maharishi would be a calming influence in the clubhouse. I think the results speak for themselves."

I got word from a pretty good source that Starbucks was handing out coupons out in front of La Colombe earlier. Anybody that passes up La Colombe for that garbage is a moron. One of the things I love about this city the most is that the people really don't want to see Starbucks and Olive Gardens all over the place. I heartily encourage you not to support chains that are focused on destroying local business (especially when the chain's product isn't really that impressive). Then again, my feelings aren't as pronounced as this guy's. He really hates Starbucks.

If you haven't read part 1 yet, click here.
The discussion veered to boxing, with Bernard making a few colorful statements ("They should have prepared for me like the Italians should have prepared for Hannibal.") He was referring to the boxing establishment, insinuating that they gave many other less educated fighters money, jewels, and cars when they are young, because they knew that such things were going to come back to them when the fighters screw up later, like with Mike Tyson and Sweetpea Whitaker. He was saying that the establishment didn't give him those things, that he had to earn them over an extended period of time, and by the time he had accumulated them, he was smart enough to hold onto them. He works as his own agent, by the way, and is one of the few boxers that own their own rights. So if he appears in an endorsement, or if he appears on tv, the money goes to him, not to an agent.

Yeah, the Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards again on Tuesday. Yada, yada, yada, they win every week. Listen, we gotta do something about Goodtimes. He's been real high on himself since getting a bunch of press lately, and between you, and me, he's become downright unbearable. "Oh, look at meeeeeeeee," he says. "Up on phillyist.com again. And look, there's me in Blinq." Earlier today, I saw him at a coffee shop, almost screaming, "Hmmmm, I wonder what's in today's City Paper? Oh my," he said loud enough for all to hear, but pretending like he was talking to himself. "This article on quoits looks faaaaaascinating. This is some amaaaaaaaazing writing." Any ideas on how we get Goodtimes to shut up?

The Young, The Old, and The Restless scored a victory at O'Neals on Tuesday, knocking off the newly bethrothed Brian and Meghan. It was sweet revenge for Victor and Sharon Newman (left), who long suspected Brian and Meghan of kidnapping their adopted baby, then ransomming it off so that they could afford to have Victor buried alive. Of course, it didn't help that Brian and Sharon were believed to be brother and sister, only to find out later that they were in fact cousins, and that the woman they believed was their mom was actually Sharon's sister, who was then buried alive and eventually kidnapped. Tune in tomorrow when team member Owen Spikes reveals that he is indeed Meghan's formerly kidnapped cousin, who has been posing as a woman so that he can get closer to Meghan, and, in turn, Sharon, whom he hopes to kidnap, and possibly bury alive.

A room full of us at the Black Sheep peered through our fingers as the JetBlue plane landed at LA yesterday with the messed up front tires. We weren't the only ones watching-they were showing the whole thing on television in the plane! In an effort to spread panic and fear throughout the cabin, apparently, it was decided to show the people who were about to land their fates on TV. Unbelievable. Next time something like that happens, I think they should have the co-pilot dress up like the Grim Reaper and walk thru the cabin. That's really the only way I can think of to make it more horrifying than showing the freaking thing on TV.

Hey guys, I wrote an article that appears in today's City Paper. I went to Amityville, PA a few weeks ago to watch the World Quoits Championship, and had a really good time. The photo above is of the Conrad brothers, who are featured in the story. The picture below is of Randy and Michelle, the husband-wife team that was playing.

The met on South Street, their first date was on South Street, so it was only appropriate that he ask her to marry her on (ok, so near) South Street. Brian Garber asked Meghan Fitzgerald, his girlfriend of 4 years, to marry him at O'Neals on Tuesday-via quizzo answers! That's right. Brian and I had arranged beforehand for the answers to the questions in round 1 to form the following statement: 1. PUMPKIN 2. EYE 3. LOVE 4. U 5. PLEASE 6. B 7. MINE 8.FOREVER 9. SWEET 10. PRINCE. Brian, who was in charge of writing down answers, gave Johnny a look at the conclusion of the round. That was Johnny's cue to play "At Last" by Etta James. Brian then walked over to Meghan and said, "This is weird. Look at these answers." As she was looking at them, a quizzical look came over her face. He then produced the ring, though he wasn't able to drop to a knee. "I fell down the stairs this weekend and screwed up my back." Her eyes lit up like Times Square, and in disbelief, she uttered, "Are you f****** kidding me?" That was quickly followed with a "Yes!" and champagne was produced. The crowd at the bar, confused at first, produced a hearty roar when Johnny told them what had happened, and an even heartier roar when he told them that in celebration he was giving everyone a perfect round 1 score. Meghan missed round 2 (The Ford or Chevy round). She was too busy running down South Street, showing off the ring to every single human being she passed. The marriage is tentatively planned for next fall at Cape May. Click below to read the questions that led to the question.

You've never read an interview like this before, because you've never met an athlete like Bernard Hopkins before. Whether or not you like boxing, you'll be interested in hearing this Philadelphian's story, because it is a tale more incredible, more improbable than that of Philly's favorite fictional boxer. And it's more intriguing, because his controversial beliefs are devoid of Hollywood cliches.

Over the last 10 years, as Philadelphians were screaming at the Eagles, cursing the Phillies, and crying over a freaking horse, many were ignoring the champion they had in their own backyard. Philly born and bred, Bernard "The Executioner" Hopkins became IBF middleweight champ in 1995. A victory over the favored Felix Trinidad in 2001 made him the undisputed champion, a title he held until July 16th of this year, when he lost an extremely controversial decision to Jermaine Taylor. The rematch is set for December 3rd. It is expected to be Hopkins' last fight, as he promised his late mother that he would retire before he turned 41, which he does in January of 2006.

But this story begins before his first title, even before his first boxing match. It begins on the rough streets of North Philly, where he grew up. In Part 1 of this interview, Bernard discusses his early years, his five years in the penitentiary ("As great as Oz was on HBO, that was kindergarten compared to what happens in prison for real"), and the realization that he came to in order to turn his life around.

Apparently maintaining a girlish figure is working against me, as the 76ers are adding a Broad Street Beefcake dance team, but you have to be husky to join. Outlandish! What if you're like me, not big boned, but an excellent dancer? I could make millions off my moves, but I can't get my big break because of discrimination. Also, about that "full body photo": does that mean, like, nude? The following is from Michael Klein's Inqlings:

The 76ers are adding a male Broad Street Beefcake dance team to the halftime show - but cake is more a factor than beef here. The guys, ages 21 to 40, should be on the chunky side - not fat, but with a belly. No dance experience is required. Heery Casting will lead auditions from 4 to 6 p.m. Saturday at Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine, 4190 City Ave. Prospects should arrive by 3:30 p.m. with a full-body photo. Info: www.sixers.com or Heerycasting@gmail.com.

I'm givin' you'se guys
Three days to write masterpiece
Then we gon' decide

In other words, haiku contest ends Friday at high noon. Also, congrats to Deric, who rocked the house in the best angry letter to the editor contest, and won $50 in cash.

What band, despite having no good looking members (see photo, above) was the first ever to have four consecutive triple platinum albums?

I don't know who saw the Phillies win on Saturday, but anyone who did knows that it was the kind of win that just never happens to the Phils. While the Phil's phailures have been phrequently phound on this website, Johnny Goodtimes was ecstatic as the Florida Marlins completely melted down in a 10-2 win by our beloved Phils. As the Marlins committed error after error in the 10 run ninth inning, I leapt higher and higher into the air, celebrating the improbable win. It was the Phils seventh win in their last nine games, and I was becoming a believer. I wanted to talk about our big win with fellow sports fans, celebrate what may have been the biggest win for the Phils since '93 (which is really kind of sad indictment of how bad we've been since '93). So I turned on WIP and gave them a call. Mistake.

It was ten years ago today that the Unabomber's Manifesto was printed in the New York Times and the Washington Post. It makes for fairly interesting reading, though he certainly should have used an editor to trim some of the fat. The next thing is really neat. It's called the baseball oracle, and it is basically a "6 degrees of Kevin Bacon type thing", except that it connects baseball players via teammates. My performance on the Kevin Bacon thing was poor. I submitted Buster Keaton, who was only two degrees from Kevin Bacon. On baseball, I was more impressive, as it took them 6 degrees to link Honus Wagner to Coco Crisp. Big ups to Mike for sending me the link.

Argh, me maties, today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Please, I am begging of you all to talk like a pirate for the remainder of the day. Also, please don't explain to anyone you're working with why you are doing it! How do I talk like a pirate, you ask? Just click here for a bunch of helpful pirate terms.

I had never been thought of as an effective defensive player. I was slow, a poor jumper, and wasn't extremely disciplined (unlike now). But the competition of this summer league (the Boo Williams league) was so good that I knew that I would never leave my mark on offense. So I started taking defense seriously, and actually shut down some pretty good players. Finally, my team went up against AI's team. I started the game on the bench, as always. Iverson started hot. Nobody could stop him. My coach told me to go into the game. I nervously walked onto the court. "I got Bubbachuck," I told my teammates.

Here's a recent announcement I received from the Humane Society. Now that they've gotten the humans out, the Humane Society wants them to concentrate on the animals. You can help. The White House # is only useful during the week, and Rummie's mailbox is full, but you can get through to the # for Governor Blanco and Homeland Security today.

Please call or email President Bush and other officials
today and urge them to help us before it's too late.

At this 11th hour, when so many lives are at stake, we are
asking you to help. I urge you to contact these government
officials today and ask them to help rescue animals before it is
too late.

The Sofa Kingdom won at the Bards on Thursday, (surprise, surprise) but the real story was Johnny's marketing genius. "Yeah, Tuesday and Wednesday were kind of slow this week. I know September is always slow, but I wanted to end the week with a bang." So Johnny busted out the short-shorts, and both bars were filled to capacity on Thursday. "I've got really nice knees," explained the pulchritudinous webmaster (who owns a thesaurus). "I'd like to think that people are using me for my mind, but I can live with being a sex symbol too."

The Pounder Posse won at the Good Dog on Thursday. Now I thought by going to google images with "pounder posse", I was going to have a good excuse to visit sites dedicated to, ahem, the enjoyment of numerous people of the opposite sex. All in the name of quizzo. So you can imagine my disappointment when, under the Pounder Posse, all I got was the tiny pic below. When I did research on this "v8" all I found were references to some ridiculous vegetable drink (vegetables in a drink? Yeah, that'll work.) and some Australian car race. Banger posse came up empty too, and the hump posse pics were totally lame.

Confucius led the WTF to a victory at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, as they avenged their loss a week earlier to Satan's Minions. I spoke with Confucius after the contest, and he offered me much wisdom, some of which I will share with you (click below). The rest of it was tasteless and juvenile.

The only thing Trust Us We Know knew, it seemed, was what it was like to be a bridesmaid. The team, which I'm fairly sure has the JGT record for most 2nd place finishes in history (though we're too lazy to keep track of such things), broke out with a vengeance on Wednesday, scoring an incredible 116 points, tied for the 2nd highest score ever, and the highest score ever at the 'Vous. The only question they missed was "Titan and Triton are the only two moons to have what?" They thought it was their own moons. The answer was their own atmosphere. "I feel bad," said team member Moe "Once, Twice, Three Times a" Leidy. "I feel like we let our spiritual leader, Reverend Sun Myung Moon, down."
Related: Elected high ranking officials hang with Moon

The 2005 Rock Paper Scissors Keystone Classic will be taking place on October 8th at Whiskey Dix Saloon on North 7th Street. You will be able to test your skills against the best in the world, and you could walk home with your share of $900 in prizes. Tickets are $10 a pop, or $9 in advance. You may not use pen missile (above). If you don't know what I'm talking about, please check out Rock Paper Saddam. Also, Restaurant Week is next week, so make your reservations now.

Damn, Smokey! Last Wednesday night, after that devastating loss to the Astros, I jumped up and down and screamed and cursed, and I swore, I swore that I was not going to follow this good for nothing hack loser team anymore. After a victory on Friday night, I went back on my word and attended Saturday night's game. We blew a 6-4 lead in the seventh inning and lost by one. "That's it! This time I mean it! I'm done! Finished! Mark my words! Everyone here mark my words! They are as good as gold. I will not follow the Phillies anymore this season!" And yet, there I was, at the Black Sheep last night, jumping up and down when Ramon Martinez hit that grand slam, then asking the question, "Who in the hell is Ramon Martinez?" I guess the point of this story is that you should never take me at my word. Tell me via the poll whether or not you think the Phils are gonna make the playoffs.

I found this while doing research on haiku, as I prepare my masterpiece. Perhaps it will inspire you. Or at least it seems kind of funny. For the full article, click here.

Haiku is more than a form of poetry; it is a way of seeing the world. Each haiku captures a moment of experience; an instant when the ordinary suddenly reveals its inner nature and makes us take a second look at the event, at human nature, at life. It can be as elevated as the ringing of a temple bell, or as simple as sunlight catching a bit of silverware on your table; as isolated as a mountain top, or as crowded as a subway car; revelling in beauty or acknowledging the ugly. What unifies these moments is the way they make us pause and take notice, the way we are still recalling them hours later, the feeling of having had a momentary insight transcending the ordinary, or a glimpse into the very essence of ordinariness itself.

Such an experience, referred to as the "aha moment," is the central root of a haiku. The act of writing a haiku is an attempt to capture that moment so that others (or we ourselves) can re-experience it and its associated insight. This means picking out of memory the elements of the scene that made it vivid, and expressing them as directly as possible -- that is, the goal is to recreate the moment for the reader, not explain it to them (this is sometimes called the "show, don't tell" rule).

Controversy erupted in the haiku contest as a contestant named Leigh Anne tried to pull off a 4 syllable, 7 syllable, 3 syllable haiku! The Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee, which has a history of punishing all haiku related offenses extremely harshly, is looking into the matter.

The Sofa Kingdom ruled supreme on Tuesday, holding off FEMA 4-EVA at the Bards, 107-102. The team then lashed into Goodtimes after the contest, since Johnny's criticism obviously had something to do with the Mike Brown's early retirement. "What's going to happen if there is ever a large scale disaster involving beautiful Arabian horses?" asked team member Koob Freshly. "Huh? What then? Do you think the acting director of FEMA knows anything about these beautiful, gentle creatures? It's sad day for the beautiful Arabian."
Related: Mike B. Saves Beautiful Arabian

About that Purple Monkey ended the All-Stars Reign, and perhaps began a Purple Reign of their own. The team name was inspired by this posting on craigslist. Read it. And googling purple monkey brought up some great pics. One of them is posted below. If you would like to get to know the guy in that photo better, click here. I warn you, there is a page on his site where "Here I present information on the roads of my home region, the so-called Mid South."

My favorite group in Philly, possibly in the world, is gonna be performing at the Kimmel Center on Friday night. I just went and got my tickets. These guys are incredible. If you have not seen the Roots yet, I highly encourage you to do so. This is going to be an amazing show.

Alright gang. I'm giving away two tickets to the Adventure Aquarium in Camden to the person that comes up with the best haiku. Obviously, the funnier the better. Haiku poems are generally formed 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables. Just post your haiku in the comments section below. I'll get us started with a bad one:
The wind, a flower,
Butterflies are so pretty
Oatmeal Cream Pies, yum.

Had a friend send me this press release. Please try to do your grocery shopping at Whole Foods at 929 South Street on Wednesday, September 14.

On Wednesday September 14th, Whole Foods South Street will donate 5% of its proceeds to Ready, Willing & Able! Ready, Willing & Able is a residential work training program for formerly homeless men. Our innovative work program offers homeless men the opportunity to break the cycles of homelessness, drug dependency, and incarceration through paid work experience and case management services.

Each ready, willing and able trainee is given a bright blue uniform and is assigned to a Community Improvement Project crew. The "men in blue" provide street cleaning, landscaping and custodial services to neighborhoods in North, West, and South Philadelphia.

First of all, did you guys see the catch the guy on Alabama made on Saturday? You've got to see this. Also, here's an exciting addition of Pop Star or Porn Star. Thanks to Todd for sending me this link.

What famous poem begins with the line, "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness"?

Well, anyone who's ever known me, or ever been within earshot of me for more than five minutes, knows that I played basketball against AI in high school. They also know that I shut him down for a half. But there are disbelievers. Fortunately for me, my buddy Phillip played in the same league that summer and saw the game in question, and I recently got an email from him. I wrote him back and asked if he could supply his memories of that fateful summer day in 1992. Yes, some have been slightly exaggerated, but please understand the point: that Johnny Goodtimes shut down AI on the court, and he's confident that he could do it again.

Awesome! In less than two weeks, we were able to raise $492 for the victims of the hurricane. In addition, I was able to find an organization that would double the amount we put in. So, thanks to the quizzo community, we've raised $1,500 for the Red Cross! Thanks again, gang, for your donations. In other hurricane news, the local SPCA is housing some pets that were displaced by Hurricane Katrina. They are looking for crates, toys, treats, clean towels or sheets, blankets or old pillows. If you are interested in donating any of these items, please contact Jennifer Richichi at the Pennsylvania SPCA, Jrichichi@pspca.org.

The Sofa Kingdom was able to pull off a come from behind victory at the Bards on Thursday night, then laughed when they found out that Johnny was posting their story at eight p.m. on a Friday night. "Wow, we thought we were goobers when we received the first ever perfect score in JGT history a couple of weeks ago," said Chuck "Hardhat" Stanley. "But at least we're not blog posting at 8 p.m. on a Friday night. That is soooooo lame!" Johnny announced that he will be spending the rest of his friday night on Sean Hannity's message board, then crying himself to sleep.

It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time edged the Everyday People at the Good Dog on Thursday, and for a night at least, could feel a little better about some questionable decisions they had made in the past. "Yeah, I shouldn't have bought the Mod 1 picture phone for $2,500 in 1970, but I really thought that it would help me score with the ladies," said team member Remington Howell. "Was $500 a little much to pay for the Aquatron eight track player in 1980? In hindsight, yes. But you've got to remember, it also came with an AM radio feature and mono sound capabilities that could blow your doors." How has Remington coped with the depression of making such bad financial decisions? "This snake oil I bought really lifts up my spirits."
Bonus material!!!: Click here to see the use of 8-track tapes in various films.

Happy birthday to Kate who had the happ-happ-happiest birthday possible at quizzo last night, finishing in next to last. Kate shares her special day with Confucius and basketball star Latrell Sprewell. If you have a birthday coming up, please contact Johnny so he can put your photo on the website.

Johnny's competence was called into question after it was realized that the story he did on Stupid Sexy Flanders knocking off the Sofa Kingdom last Thursday (Sept. 1) never made it on the website. "I only just now realized that it didn't show up. I remember writing the damn thing. It was a great story. The Kingdom had won four straight quizzoes all over the city and were looking for a week long sweep. Stupid Sexy Flanders stopped the juggernaut at the Bards. I honestly don't know what happened." Some of Johnny's critics are taking full advantage of the situation. "This is so typical," said longtime Goodtimes critic Bobby Badtimes. "What made this administration think that just because he had trained dolphins, Johnny was competent enough to run a quizzo website? I want answers."

Satan's Minions won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, then pulled a vicious stunt on quizmaster Johnny: They made Johnny choose sides in the battle between his two least favorite people on Earth...George Bush and Celine Dion! "I never thought that this day would come, when I would be forced to choose whose side I was on. Damn those Minions of Satan for doing this to me! While I agree with Celine that Bush is more interested in Iraq than in America, I still can't stand her." Johnny's best case scenario in the current stand-off? "They meet to discuss their differences, and during the meeting they are both attacked by crazed mooses."

Top tier teams are finding it harder to win without embarrassing themselves in the process. First, Sofa Kingdom achieves a perfect score, but has to ace a Corey Feldman/Corey Haim round to do so. Then the Jams won on Wednesday at the 'Vous, but Johnny discovered the following list on the backs of their paper after the contest (below). "In order to figure out how many Police Academies there had been, they wrote down every single movie in order," said Goodtimes about the incriminating document. "They even knew the names of the ones after Steve Guttenberg. I am disgusted." The Jams have announced that they will be bringing scrap paper to future events and no longer using the backs of the scoresheets.

While Right in the A's come from behind win at the Bards on Tuesday was impressive, it was not as impressive as what happened shortly after the contest, when a beautiful Arabian horse that was at the bar started to get excitable. "We thought there was gonna be an ugly scene, for sure," said Buck Chillout of the A's. But then a man known only as "Mike B." came in, and while others were sensing a stampede, "Mike B." calmed the beautiful Arabian. "Wow," said a bystander named George, "That guy certainly knows how to handle beautiful Arabian horses. Therefore he should probably be given an extremely high level government job with millions of American lives in his hands if ever there's a disaster."

The JGT All Stars won again at O'Neals on Tuesday for the third straight week. The team was able to win despite the late arrival of teammate and good friend Mike Brown. "Mike got here just after the end of round four," said Chippy of the All-Stars. "I asked him, 'Mike, did you not know we were at O'Neals?' Mike said, "At O'Neals? I didn't even know you guys were in Philadelphia!'" The JGT All-Stars would also like to take this opportunity to send happy birthday wishes to the man they all voted for in 2004, and 2000, and 1996, and 1992. Lyndon LaRouche.

The Ph****** Phillies will not be going to the playoffs this year. David Bell made sure of that with a ninth inning error in last nights game. I had stupidly allowed myself to be seduced by this team. I got excited as Chase Utley and Ryan Howard proved that they are going to be superstars. I was excited that Pat the Bat's career wasn't over. We had a world class closer, and two excellent setup men. I didn't see a World Series in our immediate future, but I saw a dramatic sprint for the playoffs, a September to remember, and even allowed myself to dream about seeing a live playoff game. But our playoff chances are now about as good as Kanye West's chances of getting invited to a White House fundraiser. The season's over in early September, and there's only one thing left to say. E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles!!!

If you are looking to be completely freaked out, read this article written in National Geographic last August. It completley foretells the disaster. In fact, I am wondering if this is some sort of hoax, becasue I can't possibly believe that this was written a year ago. It predicts exactly what happened last week in New Orleans. Thanks to Scott for forwarding this to me.

Though I have conflicting feelings about Eazy E, I still wanna wish him a happy birthday. If he were still alive, he would be turning 42 today. He is the Godfather of Gangsta Rap, which isn't necessarily a good thing. But he reminds me a bit of Eminem in that his lyrics were not only extremely impressive, but also so over the top that they were more amusing than they were violent. He was the founder of NWA, and without him, there would be no Ice Cube or Dr. Dre, meaning that there would probably be no Snoop Dogg or Eminem. His song Boyz N Tha Hood inspired a PA working on the set of Pee Wee's Playhouse (John Singleton) to write a film based on the song. Eric "Eazy E" Wright died of AIDS in 1995.

Sorry it took me so long to post the letters from the editor, but the last month was completely insane. So below are the ones I liked best. Some have had stuff edited b/c they were so long. Please vote for the one you like best in the poll on the right side of the page so that we can determine who gets the $50.

Who killed President William McKinley on September 6th, 1901?

Not everybody thinks that Hurricane Katrina was a natural disaster. Some think it was a man made disaster, an opportunity for the illuminati to impose their will on the people. Take this, from niburu:
the Illuminati plan is to create maximum chaos to instill maximum fear to create a sense of maximum dependency on authority. They want multi-levelled chaos to justify the imposition of marshal law, ‘holding’ (concentration) camps, centralised dictatorship, and the Orwellian global state in all its forms. The engineered terrorism and the ‘war on terrorism’ are, in this regard, part of the same agenda that includes crashing the world economy, bringing the United States into conflict with China, and ‘natural’ catastrophes like New Orleans.
Well worth checking out the whole page. Completely insane. Well, this got me off on a tangent about weather seeding, because the conspiracy websites tend to think that's how it was done. Turns out that Malaysia recently tried cloud seeding to put out a fire, and Russia used it to assure a sunshiney day when they had a military parade in 2003.
Another crackpot theory: The hurricane was God's ways at showing his anger at homosexuality. Southern Decadence, a gay pride parade, was scheduled for the past week, and was stopped by the hurricane. Repent America, the same organization that protested at the Phillies game last month, believes that the hurricane is God's way of punishing a 'wicked city'. Hey Repent America, Jerry Springer called. He needs some ignorant white trash for his next show, and he thinks you guys will be perfect.

This is mayor Ben Morris of Slidell, Louisiana talking about what a supreme failure FEMA is, and that if they keep slowing things down, they better be prepared to bring guns. This is good stuff. If you don't have audio, just click below to read the transcript.

Here's the worst analogies ever written in a high school essay. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

It was on this date 30 years ago that Squeaky Fromme tried to kill Gerald Ford. I have read that her tentative release date is today, but I can't find any news stories saying that she's getting out. If anybody sees anything, please post it below. In the meantime, here's an interview she did a few years ago.

Wow, this is amazing. Sean Penn went down to New Orleans to "help", but his boat sprang a leak. Oh, and part of his entourage was a personal photographer, making sure this true American hero could be captured in all his glory. Wow, what a total loss of respect for someone I've always been a big fan of. Nothing like a disaster to get your name in the news! Here's a pretty decent write up about the situation from Anne Rice. And below I have included a response to the article on a message board that I kind of liked, even though I disagreed with a lot of it. Finally, here's an editorial in the NO Picayune Times calling for FEMA director Mike Brown's head.

Wanna thank everybody who contributed money at quizzo on Wednesday and Thursday. We raised $177 in just two days! Though I asked for a dollar per person, several people made sure to give more. Thanks for your contributions! I wanna be over the $500 mark by the end of this week. 100% of the money raised will be sent to the Red Cross. If you are looking to get involved, there are some other charities worth looking into as well. The Humane Society has been in Mississippi and New Orleans rescuing people's pets. I realize that everyone's first priority is rescuing humans, but I know how much my pets mean to me, and how much I would appreciate the thought of someone trying to rescue them if they had to be left behind. Wanna donate more than money? The Habitat for Humanity will be going in to rebuild homes after the initial cleanup, and is taking volunteers.

In other news, I ate at a Cuban restaurant in the Northeast last night called Isla Verde. Eat there! It was easily one of the best meals I've had in Philly. Also, a friend of mine is involved with what is supposed to be a really great cabaret show. It's called Northern Liberties. I haven't had a chance to see it yet, but I am hoping to go soon.

On this date in 1886 one of my favorite American characters (at least partly because we share a first name) was captured in Arizona. Geronimo and his band of less than 50 people evaded a quarter of the American Army for more than a year. If you have not read Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee, I highly suggest it.

Kanye West on Friday night said that George Bush didn't care about black people. I think that oversimplifies things a bit. I don't think that Bush draws a line with race. But, as a commenter said earlier, George Bush was born on third base and thought he hit a triple, so he has no patience for the poor. Would it have taken four days to get supplies to the refugees if they had been rich and white? No. But I don't think it particularly menas that he is racist so much as classist.

Meanwhile the people he has gone out of his way to aid and assist, the oil companies, have seen a splendid opportunity to bend the American people over, and have taken full advantage of it. It will be interesting to see how Bush walks the fine line between placating the American people, who are mad about gas gouging, and not hurting his boys who are reaping huge profits from the death and devastation in the South. Here's some interesting info on gas gouging.

Wolfman's Got Nards celebration after their win on Thursday night was short lived, as they soon received the sad news that FredEx had been cut by the Chiefs. "Shocked. Empty." That was how Eric von Derrick said he felt after hearing the news. "It just goes to show that Dick Vermeil has no idea what he's doing." Freddie says that he's "open to all 32 teams right now." Hmmm, wonder if Bill Belichick* will pick him up?

*Belichick: “[Freddie Mitchell] said he was bringing something for Rodney Harrison. I don’t know, maybe it was the two dropped passes.”
Belichick: "He's terrible...We loved when he was in the game."

First of all, here's a letter from Michael Moore that you might enjoy, whether you like Moore or hate him. Secondly, click here and scroll down to see one of the most heartless comments ever posted on this website (then again, my response wasn't exactly compassionate). Also, vote for whether or not you think it's fair to attack Bush for remaining on vacation.

The rumors had spread through the quizzo community like wildfire. The Missing Heads, long considered one of the elite teams in quizzo, had lost their magic. Too many of their members were wasting valuable brain cells in a haze of daily drunken happy hours. There were comments that this team was the Edgar Allen Poe of quizzo: Remarkably talented, but unable to keep from sleeping in the gutter after drunken revelry. But for one night, at least, they were able to pull their mouths from the bottle and recapture the magic. "We took a good, long hard look at ourselves," said team member Mean Gene Overland, "And decided that we were not gonna start drinking grain alcohol until after the game is over."

The Jams were able to make a 13 point comeback at the Vous on Wednesday night, then discussed their excitement about the new Rocky movie. "Yeah," said Darth Ern, "I haven't been this excited about a part VI since Police Academy VI: City Under Siege."

The Victorious Vikings emerged victorious at a special quizzo spectacular at Eastern High School on Wednesday, knocking off 21 other teams as Johnny ventured into New Jersey. The Vikes edged No Teacher Left Behind, 90-87. The Slambs finished last, with a score of 56, and were fired shortly after the contest ended. "We will be holding these events every week," said local administrator Bonita Applebum, "And be firing teams that score poorly. How can we expect teachers to teach our children about Tara Reid and Carrot Top when the teachers don't know themselves?"

The Missing Heads missed it by a letter. The Jams got shot down by Columbian guerrillas. The Omelette missed it by a Jimmy Stewart movie. The Sofa Kingdom, fresh off a victory at Beat the Champs, had their memorable week continue with the first ever perfect score in Johnny Goodtimes quizzo history. But the perfect score didn't come without a price: the team had to be held up to public ridicule after a perfect Corey Feldman/Corey Haim round. "Do we wish we had gotten the perfect score without showing that we have a vast wealth of Corey Haim related knowledge?" asked team member Corey Feldhaim. "Of course. By the way, do you have any idea where I can get my hands on a copy of Demolition High?"

The Johnny Goodtimes All-Stars pulled off another victory at O'Neals on Tuesday, then expressed their sorrow that they missed the Video Music Awards on Sunday Night. "We missed the VMAs to go to Beat the Champs on Sunday," said Liz Rizzo. "Yeah, we got live steel drums and breakdancers, but Johnny is no Diddy. He doesn't even make name changes yearly. And nobody got shot. And the VMAs had Kelly Clarkson. Johnny couldn't even get Justin Guarini."

The director of FEMA is apparently taking PR lessons from the Bush camp (who had the above photo op on Tuesday-a day after the hurricane struck) as he blamed the people of New Orleans for not leaving before the hurricane. FEMA, which has moved on this storm about as quickly as Levon Kirkland, apparently isn't taking responsibility for it's own incompetence, but instead blaming people who HAD NO WAY TO GET OUT OF THE FREAKING CITY. There was no system in place to move people who didn't own cars.

Bush didn't decide to end his vacation until Wednesday, two days after the hurricane struck. He then called in Clinton to mobilize the country. Can Bush just step aside and let Clinton and Giuliani take it from here? I mean, did you hear his speech the other day? "Katrina is one of the worst natural disasters in American history." Gee whiz, George, you don't say. My brain wasn't able to process the pictures it was receiving from CNN. Way to show some leadership. Now go back to playing guitar and let some leaders take over.

But the real heroes in all this have been our Senators, who waited until Thursday night (3 days after this disaster happened) to return from vacation. None of them dare go to New Orleans yet to help, because it's too dangerous. It'll be interesting to see how many photo ops are forthcoming once things get under control. Another thing: do you think the President and Congress would have waited so long to return if the people in trouble were well-to-do white people instead of poor black people? Do you think that there would still be thousands of people waiting without food and water outside the convention center if they were white? Heck, Congress called an emergency session when a single white woman was taken off her feeding tube!

FEMA, the President, the Congress; the incompetence, arrogance, and racism of our Federal Government has never been more apparent than it has been this week.

The disaster in New Orleans is getting worse by the hour. If you would like to help, in addition to the money we are raising through quizzo, please donate money here.

This from CNN.com: Along Canal Street, the city's main thoroughfare, police allowed people to take shoes out of stores as long as the shoes fit. What??? They can only steal the shoes if they fit? Who's enforcing htis rule?Officer: "Freeze looter! I'm not so sure those shoes fit. Ha! Just as I suspected! Too narrow around the ankles. You go right back inside there and you don't come out until you find a wider pair of shoes!" BTW, we raised $65 last night in the quizzo for the cause campaign. I will soliciting donations for the Red Cross again tonight.

In a stunning maneuver, Louis Farrakhan decided to take the title of "Stupidest and most ignorant minister going" from Pat Robertson, something that only last week seemed humanly impossible. Farrakhan said that the hurricane in New Orleans was God's way at getting back at us for attacking Iraq. Uh, Louis, don't you thing that if God wanted to get back at us for attacking Iraq, he would have pegged Washington, not New Orleans? Yeah, I'm sure God was up there thinking, "Oh, so you're gonna attack Iraq, huh? Well watch as I destroy Deuce McCallister's hometown! That'll teach ya!" Some people say that this hurricane is a sign of the apocalypse. I say that Louis Farrakhan sounding like Jerry Falwell is a sign of the apocalypse.

Also, am I the only one who notices all of these Southern politicians seem to be tripping over themselves to be on CNN, but that nobody seems to be taking a leadership role? You can't go five minutes without hearing from another governor or Senator from down there. Don't they have better things to do right now than chat with CNN for an hour at a time?

Finally, in regard to the looters. The food and water, I completely understand. The clothes, though wrong, at least makes sense. But I've seen some idiots come out of stores with televisions! What in the hell are you gonna do with a television? You are not going to have electricity for months. Where are you going to store your new 32" TV until then, the roof? I mean, if you're stealing a TV, I really hope you're also stealing a generator.