July 2005 Archives

Hey, I'm taking the Yuengling tour today. I'll tell you all about it when I get back. Also, I posted on Craigslist that I'm looking for unique and bizarre music for the big event. Here is an e-mail I got back.
"hey!!! let me know if you would like to jam/ hear what ive got going... nothing else like it in philly! peace -Earl"
I wrote Earl back, asking him to be a bit more descriptive. Here is what I got in return.
"there is only one way to find out what kind of music i do ....call me if you want to jam. 'talking about music is like dancing about architecture'- Frank Zappa
-earl"

Hmmmm. Should I be intrigued...or frightened?

Stupid Sexy Flanders crushed the opposition at the Bards on Thursday night, but the win was buried in the papers after the announcement that former U.S. President Millard Fillmore was releasing his own special brand of Beef Jerky. This announcement comes almost nine months after former prez John Q. Adams threw his support behind Colt .45 Malt Liquor. Fillmore, who helped make the Whig party what it is today, says that his jerky "is a touch spicy, but not too much so." And while our thirteenth president may have helped puch the Compromise of 1850 through the Senate, he says that "Tastebuds won't be compromised when they enjoy our jerky's smoked taste."

The Cracked Eggheads won (impressively, I migth add, the two person team scoring 103) at the Good Dog on Thursday night, then gushed about how excited they are that an Applebees will be soon be opening right across the street. "At long last," said Afrikaans Sampson of the Eggheads, "We get some decent food in this city. I'm so sick of going into a restaurant and not knowing exactly what the food will taste like before I eat it. Finally, I can eat something here that will taste EXACTLY the same as it tasted when I tried it in Des Moines. And there's nothing that shows that your cooking some Grade A steak like smothering it in cheese. Mmmm-mmmm."

Yeah, in Manhattan you might run into Flava Flav. But only here in Philly will you run into a Flava Flav impersonator singing along to the Rod Stewart song on the Mako's jukebox and dancing in the street like I did on Tuesday night. And people wonder why I love this city.

The WTF won in impressive fashion at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, putting up a score of 112 in the process. But they could hardly hide their disgust of the new Eagle cheerleader calendars. "I am outraged," said team member Matthew Eisenstein. "There are a number of holidays left off the calendar, including Arbor Day and Wear Your Wig to Work Day. In addition, there is absolutely no mention of July being National Hot Dog Month." Eisenstein added that he is concerned what kids will think when they see this. "We try to teach children that there are only twelve months in a year," added the concerned quizzo player, "And then somebody comes along and releases a 16 month calendar. What are the children supposed to think?"

The Jams quelled the trash talking of Unlawful Presence at the Locust Rendezvous on Wednesday, but denied rumors that the pony they brought to the bar had been bought at the Chincoteague Pony Penning. "At the what?" you ask. The Chincoteague Pony Penning is an annual event that happens near where Johnny grew up in Virginia. It works like this: A bunch of Jerseyites hang out in 100 degree temperatures and can't really see anything while the natives laugh at their accents. The 'Yites then buy a pony before realizing that it's a wild pony and that they don't have anywhere to put it. So the day concludes with a bunch of wife-beater wearing bad drivers pouring out of Chincoteague with angry ponies strapped to the hoods of their cars. Quite a scene.

Jason Whitlock of the Kansas City Star doesn't think so. He thinks the NFL is wrong for not paying it's players enough. A few thoughts about this topic: A) who cares? I mean, seriously, big name players hold out every single year. I'm sure TO has kept himself in shape and will be back on the field for week #1. B) TO's right. He does deserve more money. And if he had handled this the right way, he'd probably get more. But since he's an idiot and his agent is a snake who I hope is riding in a car with Toby Keith that plunges over the side of a cliff, he's practically forced the Eagles to not give him more money. C) In the book of what not to do, how about rule #1: insult your Pro Bowl quarterback. Rule #2: Talk about the fact that your family is starving. Rule #3: Pull above stunts in Philadelphia. D) I can't believe I'm freaking discussing this, since it is the most played-out topic in the history of the world. I'm disgusted with myself.

Johnny Goodtimes apparently has a new title to add to his resume, as Philebrity.com refers to him as the "King of Karaoke". While Johnny has occasionally wowed patrons of McGillan's Olde Ale House with his rendition of "Flashdance (What a Feeling)", he never thought that this alone made him any sort of karaoke monarchy, not even a duke or a marquis. Also, I think that their "pool gang" idea is kool with a k. I hit the pool yesterday at 17th and Catherine and it was awesome.

Here's the article I wrote for the City Paper. By the way, Se-or is Senor. Apparently the enyae (sp.?) machine conked out.

Pro Hac Vice recorded a big victory at a private party at the Black Sheep on Tuesday, but it wasn't really their biggest win of the day. Earlier, they had been part of the prosecution team that succesfully prosecuted O.J. Simpson for cable piracy. The prosecution had been presented a setback when the remote control for the television had seemed a little too small for OJ's hands, but were able to perservere. O.J. said after losing the $25,000 that he was innocent, and that he would "never stop searching for the real pirates."

This was written into the comments section by Dirty Sanchez under last week's Locust Rendezvous story. Looks like we have a rivalry forming. "Jams might want to think about finding a different bar to do Quizzo in if they want to keep winning: Unlawful Presence is in the house and we're holding on to the title. Don't hate the player, hate the game. And once Jams leaves, you'll be singing Bananarama: "Cause it's a cruel, cruel, cruel summer. Now you're gone. Leaving me here on my own."

Also, this gives me a chance to post this comment about Toby Keith, just in case anybody missed it. This came from anonymous after I wished Toby a happy birthday and said that I hoped he would jump off a cliff. "To be fair, Toby 'I'm such a dumb f**k that all I can do is spout half rhyming platitudes about ol glory while forgetting what it actually stands for and by the way how about my counrty fag mullet' Keith should drive off a cliff in his new, freedom loving (except for the oil it consumes, thereby supporting our enemies- wow, freedom is complicated, huh you big Jackass?) ford oil guzzler. Then I'd be happy. But not jumping, that's for freedom haters. I hope he chokes on his."

And the picture above is of a guy who played at O'Neals a few weeks ago. The first ever JGT Quizzo Spectacular participant with gold teeth. Finally, be sure to pick up a copy of tommorrow's City Paper. There's an article by Johnny Goodtimes inside.

Johnny Says April Fools held off Ronald Reagan Ate My Baby in a shootout at the Bards on Tuesday night, 108-103. The team then celebrated the fact that Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff had moved up in the "Be the Next President" rankings. Said team member Stanley Slackspence, "Yep, if Bush, Cheney, Hastert, Stevens, Rice Snow, Rumsfeld (God forbid), and Gonzales all die, our boy Chertoff moves right into the old Oval Office. I can't remember a jump this big in the rankings since Notre Dame's basketball team ended UCLA's 88 game winning streak in 1971 and moved up twelve spots." The team added that the move came as a big relief, because "Otherwise Gale A. Norton would be president if some sort of freak flu bug hit the White House and killed the first seven people in succesion. And she would SUCK as President."

In a move that has shakend the foundation of Johnny Goodtimes, Inc. to it's very core, Teddy Roosevelt, Jr. was asked to leave the JGT Ethics Committee shortly after the above photo was seen on the website. The photo, taken shortly after Whateveruwant blew up with an impressive 111 at O'Neals on Tuesday, was allowed to pass onto the website after Teddy gave it the ok without consulting other members of the committee. Said committee member Sparky Beefcake, "We cannot allow this kind of filth onto a family friendly website, I don't care how many points the team scores. The Puritan principles that have formed such a solid base for this empire have been trampled on." The Committee's decision to replace Roosevelt was not surprising. Tipper Gore has long hated such satanic rockers such as Twisted Sister and John Denver, and this is a sure sign that the committe is moving far to the right.

What does a fujita scale measure? No, not fajita scale. Fujita scale.

After the disgusting, shady pay raises voted on at 2 a.m. by our state legislators a few weeks ago, a website has been started in the hopes of ousting every single legislator who voted for the pay raise, regardless of party affiliation. After reading the requirements, I realized that I can run for state representative! All I need are 300 signatures from registered voters and $100. Something to think about.

A congressman is trying to pass a law that would allow prosecution of anybody who falsely claimed to have won a Purple Heart. The controversy stems from the Wedding Crashers web site, where you could print out a fake purple heart to show off to babes. The website has taken down the picture. But the crash kit is still kind of kool.

Here's a couple of interesting bits fromt he sports world. First an argument that Lance Armstrong is not the greatest athlete of all time. Then the story of former Orioles catcher Rick Dempsey's Pony League coach, who was robbing banks in each city the team traveled to.

We still need to find a home for Cocoa!!! I am taking this on as my personal mission. She is a wonderful cat, has spent a lot fo her life in cages, and would certainly be appreciative of the opportunity to live out the rest of her life in a great home. Please spread the word!

Today is Estelle Getty's 82nd birthday. Here is a site that "will allow the series to grow beyond the limitations of a simple 80's sitcom and eventually establish itself as a vital cornerstone of American culture."

The Dirty Night Stay Outs, who took a lead into the fourth round at the Good Dog on Thursday before pulling a WTF style collapse, would like to wish everybody a happy holiday! What holiday? Are you serious? Why, it's Paul Reubens Day, of course!

Johnny Goodtimes will have to get rid of the glorious head of hair that has earned him millions over the years, as It's Not the Heat, It's the Humidity crossed the 100 point mark and earned a narrow win over Stupid Sexy Flanders. Johnny has not decided exactly how he wants it shaved, but he's thinking about doing something in this style:

Good Dog Needs More Chairs got the win Thursday night. It was a packed house, making seating a little tough. Good Dog responded that this should not be a problem in the future, as they have a whole shipment of chairs being delivered via rocket (below).

The Wenches and the Sugar Daddies (aka the River of Rocs) emerged from a shootout at the Black Sheep as the sole survivors, getting a little help from Seals and Croft along the way. It was a record setting night, as six teams broke the 100 point mark, including WTF, who had a perfect score after three rounds. The Wenches and Sugar Daddies seemed to have jasmine in their minds in round one, and were in last place after the opening round. But every question after that was a summer breeze for the team, as they only missed one of the final 33 questions.

Unlawful Entry pulled off a shocking upset at the Locust Rendezvous on Wednesday night, knockin goff the Jams, 101-98. Is this band of unknowns a one hit wonder or are they here to stay? Only time will tell. As usual, there was controversy. It surrounded a question Johnny asked about Bananarama, sparking an outrage among Jams fans (who answered with Shocking Blue), whose team had won six out of the last seven weeks. Fortunately, Johnny was able to placate the angry fans with some delicious Bananarama Bread.

Happy Birthday Don Knotts! This comic legend turns 81 today!

If anybody scores 100 points or more tonight, I will have all the hair shaved off my head.

The Johnny Goodtimes All Stars emerged victorious at O'Neals on Tuesday night, edging Whateveruwant, 99-97. But reports that Johnny made over a year ago about former Phillie Von Hayes being the devil still seem to be true. Here's a report a Drexel student did on Von Hayes last year. Von is currently a coach in Midland, Texas. Hayes played in the 1989 All Star game. (I'm hoping all of this Von Hayes talk will distract the team from noticing that something went wrong with the camera and I had to use an old photo. Shhhhhh. Don't tell.)

Longstreet Lost the War was the winning team at Quizzo at the Bards on Tuesday night. But the team name could land them in financial trouble, as Longstreet's lawyer has threatened a lawsuit for libel. "My client is 182 years old, and doesn't need to be reminded of mistakes he made in 1863," said attorney Snake Sneakswell. "He has moved past that, and just wants to live out the rest of his days quietly, eating tack and smoked fish and complaining about that confounded rap music."

Wow. The Champs made themselves known last night. First, one of the Champs showed up at the Bards for the 4th round and got all ten questions right, having just come from winning by himself at Rembrandt's. Then I received this e-mail from team member Slick Rick: "Johnny, please let it be known that we're not bad guys. We sincerely wish all the other competitors luck in their quest to finish second. Also, if I wear Armani to the Beat the Champs Spectacular, should I also wear my Quizzo Bowl I medal, or will that clash?"

Tickets for Beat the Champs have gone on sale! Tix are only $10 apiece, and the winners will walk with $300. Of course, you have an opportunity to earn extra points in the weeks leading up to the event by completing a number of physical challenges. There will be more physical challenges posted in the coming weeks. Rumors of Johnny rapping at this event continue to persist, despite the fact that he has flatly denied those accusations.

Stuart Scott, the worst thing to happen to sports dince the designated hitter, turns 40 today. Though I think that Nancy Grace of Court TV is slightly more painful to watch, Stuart tries his hardest every night to outsuck her, trying to take lack of originality to a whole new level. "Cooler than the other side of the pillow?" Yeah, it elicited a chuckle in 1994. Now, having heard it over 300,000 times since then, it makes me want to hammer nails into my eyes. I, like most people, enjoy sports because of the games themselves, not because some idiot is screaming "Holla at a Playa!!!" at the top of his lungs. JGT dream scenario: Ship containing multiple celebrities sinks. The only people to swim to a nearby desert island are Stuart Scott and Karl Rove, where they are stranded together for the rest of their natural lives.

Yo, heading back to the Dark Horse tonight so my team can defend it's title. If you think you are man or woman enough to take it from us, go right ahead and try. I must warn you. I am very poor sport, whether I win or lose, so be prepared for a decent amount of trash talk. Oh, I'm looking for some good quotes for the site. If you got any good ones, please put them on the message board. Here's a good one from one of my buddies earlier today: "This weather makes it seem like we're in Florida. Only without the beaches and the hot babes."

Today would have been Hunter Thompson's 68th birthday. How are preperation going for his giant cannon send off? Just fine, according to Johnny Depp. If you missed the commemorative Rolling Stone issue, here's your chance to read several dedications to Hunter.

It's been said that Nero fiddled while Rome burned. Not true. In fact, the fiddle had not yet been invented. Nero did own this instrument, however, and may have been playing it as Rome went down in flames.

Johnny Goodtimes is teaming up with the local SPCA to bring you a pet of the week each and every week. You can learn more about the inaugural pet of the week, Cocoa, by clicking here. If you do decide to adopt a pet from the SPCA, please send me a photo of you with your new pet so I can put it on the website.

The 1993 Smith College JV Field Hockey team ran away with one on Thursday at the Bards, defeating the second place team by 16 points. Though there is surprisingly little information on the 1993 JV field hockey team online, we do know this about the varsity team: Led by coach Judy Strong, they received an invitation to the NCAA Division III National Championship in 1993. We do not know whether or not they accepted that invitation, despite 30-40 seconds of exhaustive research. If you are interested in catching the Pioneers team in action, here's the upcoming season's schedule.

Where's Don held off a scrappy JGT for Chief Justice (a position Johnny has denied that he's vying for) team at the Good Dog on Thursday night, 104-99. That the team was able to win despite the absence of Don. But hey, the team needs to realize that there are a few things more important than quizzo-such as keeping trashy drug smugglers off the streets while wearing Armani, living on a houseboat with an alligator, and totally getting it on with Sheena Easton.

Johnny will not have time to post last night's results because he is currently on a top secret mission, the results of which are to be published in a local newspaper sometime in the near future. Results for Thursdays contest will be posted Sunday. In the meantime, let's take a trip down memory lane. It was almost a year ago when the First Annual Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes Contest took place. Let's have a look back at the contestants.

Gerald Ford and his good friends on the River of Rocs had two reasons to celebrate on Wednesday night: first the Rocs knocked off the two time defending champs WTF with a commanding fourth round, then they threw a few back to celebrate Gerry's 92nd birthday. Ford, who is often referred to as "The Millard Fillmore of the 20th Century", did a number of great things while in office, though we can't remember any of them right off the top of our heads. Here is a collection of good Gerald Ford quotes, including my favorite, "Things are more like today than they ever have been before."

A Jams win at the Redezvous (can anyone stop this team? if they decide to enter the Beat the Champs competition, they right now seem like the team to beat) was not enough to keep a smile on Crazy Cooter's face. Cooter is extremely displeased with the way the Dukes of Hazzard franchise is being portrayed in the upcoming film, saying that "Rather than honor our show, they have chosen to degrade it." Man, oh man, I'm just glad Uncle Jessie isn't around to see this. Cooter claims that the movie is full of profanity and sexual situations. WTF? I mean, who could be behind such chicanery? No, you don't think that...just for a quick buck?...why that rapscallion Boss Hogg has no sense of decency!

The Dark Horse Tavern in Headhouse Square was the site of a quizzo foray on Monday night. Gotta say, it's the best quizzo of the four I've played so far. Even though the host, John (in the quizzo handbook, it states that you're not allowed to host unless your name is John) goes old school with no electronic equipment, he's got a loud enough voice to make it work, though I would still suggest an amp. The questions are definitely the best of any quizmaster heard thus far. No b.s. about Irish uprisings of the 12th century or parts of motorcycles. He sticks pretty close to the history, sports, geography, pop culture tack that has made me millions. Ok, hundreds. Anyway, he had four rounds, including the joker round. Though he doesn't call Round Four the impossible round, it's definitely harder than the others. Oh, and in case you're wondering, my team won, despite a meltdown in the final round. What made the victory even sweeter was that it was by one point over former Doc Watson team the Holy Pontiffs. (Quizzo at Dark Horse begins at 9 p.m. on Mondays)

I've got a Four Letter Word For You scored 50 points in the final round to edge past the Short Bus at the Bards on Tuesday night. When asked what the four letter word was, the team was forced to decline. "Sorry, Johnny" said Twinkie McSweeney, "But we can't reveal the four letter word. It's highly sensitive, a delicate matter of national security." Our buddy Karl Rove tells us it's FUNK, and that the Iranians will know what it means.

*Here's a recent interview with Joe Wilson, the husband of Valerie Plume.

Whateveruwant was able to squeak past I'm Just Here for the Lorenzo's at O'Neals (formerly known as the "As You Like It Lounge") on Tuesday night. We weren't sure who the person was who was hiding his face in the photo, so we called our friend, American hero Karl Rove. "Hey, that's Thad Butterscotch!" said Rove. "He didn't want his picture taken because he's in the witness protection program. He lives on 1235 Sansom, in apartment 12-A, and leaves for work each morning at around 7:30 a.m."

*By the way, if you missed the duck and cover work by Bush spokesman Scott McClellan in yesterday's press conference, I highly advise you to click below.

Alright gang, here's the deal. Beat the Champs will take place on Sunday, August 28th at World Cafe Live, as YOU and your team will try to dislodge The Champs and try to take $300 in cold hard cash from them in the process. Tickets will go on sale next Tuesday, but you can get started now. Here's how it's going to work: your team can earn points that will go toward your score at Beat the Champs by completing a number of physical challenges. You may earn up to a total of ten points, meaning that if you do, you will have a ten point lead over the Champs when the questions start flying on August 28th. You have to prove that you have completed your physical challenges by August 21st. Below are the initial challenges. There will be more as the contest continues. All photos and links to craigslist posting must be sent to beatthechamps@yahoo.com. All tickets must be purchased today or later (I'm not gonna take a ticket to Lucy from 2002.) Good Luck!!!

Just posted a little recommended summer reading on the message board. Please lemme know what you would recommend. I just finished my book, and am looking for something new to read.

Here's the article that Joseph Wilson wrote that caused the White House to out his wife. And here's the one Robert Novak wrote in which his Wilson's wife is outed. Finally, my boy the RZA discusses spirituality (Nice transition, no?). Thanks to Andrew for bringing this to my attention.

I think you'll enjoy this op-ed piece in the New York Times on Sunday about the Judy Miller case.

Has someone insulted your manhood, family, etc., and you feel that the only way to settle it is at fifteen paces like a gentleman, but aren't sure of the proper way to approach such an endeavor? Read the code duello here. If you wanna learn more about Aaron Burr, I highly suggest a book called "Aaron Burr: The Great American Scoundrel" written by Philip Vail. "Burr" by Gore Vidal is ok, but I find the real Burr so interesting that I didn't see a need to create fiction around him.

Today is the 201st anniversary of one of the strangest chapters in American history-when the American vice president killed a former secretary fo the treasury on a bluff in Weehawken, New Jersey. For those who don't know, Aaron Burr is one of my favorite characters in American history. So close to becoming famous as a Founding Father, instead he became infamous as a murderer and traitor. Anyways our question of the week is this: Who had died in a duel at Weehawken in 1801, two and a half years before Alexander Hamilton did?

Yeah, I know I said that I would have the Beat the Champs stuff up a few days ago. I'm still waiting on a rough estimate from World Cafe Live as far as when tickets will go on sale before I set people loose throughout the city. Hopefully I'll hear something soon, and will then post your initial assignments. If you don't have anything else to do tonight, play this game called Diner Dash. Highly addictive, especially if you've ever waited tables before.

I really want to thank everybody who donated $1 to play quizzo this week. We raised $248!!! A number of people questioned whether or not the UN was the best choice to send the money, due to high cost of administration and questions after Annan's son's "Oil for Food" scandal. I did some more homework, and found a charity that I think will make better use of our money. It's called Action Against Hunger, it received an "A" grade from the American Institute of Philanthropy, and over 90 cents of every dollar goes directly to its programs. Thanks again for your generosity, and I hope you won't mind if we make the "Dollar Week" an occasional part of quizzo. There are a number of great local charities I think it would be kool to help out as well. As far as the "Is this money REALLY going for charity, Johnny?" question I received, oh, I'd say 248 times this past week, I'd just like to say this: First of all, thanks for having so much faith in my morality. Really, I'm touched. Also, YES, 100% of the money raised is going to charity.

"Yeah, I'm ticked," said Scooter McFadden after Stupid Sexy Flanders knocked off the rest of the field at the Bards on Thursday. "Can you believe that Hall and Oates is cancelling their tour because Darryl got Lyme's disease? It's a little tick, Darryl, not a maneater. Stop acting like such a rich girl. You're out of touch with your fans, Darryl, and I can't go for that."

This hasn't exactly been a banner year for Defective Sidewalk member Smooth Dan P. (scroll down), despite numerous victories on the quizzo circuit. His run in the Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes Contest ended rather prematurely, and then he finished last in the annual Wife Carrying World Championship in Finland over the weekend. "Losing the wife carrying championship wasn't the hard part," said the Smooth One. "The hard part will be trying to explain to my wife why she sees me on this website with another woman slung over my shoulders. Thanks a lot, Goodtimes."

And what I mean by "Happy Birthday" is that on this, your special day, I hope you fall off of a cliff. A big one. Oh, by the way, check out the new poll question. Let's find out once and for all what you people think about Dave Matthews.

The Jams continued to dominate at the Rendezvous, winning for the 6th time in the last 8 weeks, knocking off such luminaries as the Broad Street Bullies and even Team Hater. In what the team saw as a fitting tribute to the ringing of the Liberty Bell on July 8th, 1776, the Jams rang the Bell to alert local citizenry of their recent domination at Locust Rendezvous quizzo. Of course, the Park Service does not smile upon unlicensed "borrowing" of the Liberty Bell for quiz-like purposes, and the Jams will not be able to defend their title until 2019, when they are eligible for parole.

The WTF was able to win for the second straight week, knocking off the River of Rocks in overtime. The quizzo was a welcome respite from their search for team member Big Bopper, who has been missing since the following picture of him was posted on the website last week. "We've got no idea where he is," said team member Wolf Schnitzer. There is a $1.75 reward out for information leading to his...oh, nevermind, I've just received word that the reward money has been rescinded.

A week after a scorching 112, Pepperoni came back down to earth on Tuesday and finished third, as young upstarts the UMass Debate Team took the gold. But there is no debating this in Massachusettes: people should be allowed to get drunk. Man, Yahoo News is totally hooking me up with good stories today.

I am having some severe technical difficulties. As soon as it gets cleared up, I will resume posting this week's stories. Sorry for the delay.

The Doc Watson's Implosion Experience was able to squeak past the Sunshine Boys (below) at O'Neals on Tuesday, 91-88. Thehe Sunshine Boys had a chance to win, but were distracted when a 50 foot rattler from West Virginia attacked them. Johnny would like to remind everybody, once again, that Virginia and West Virginia are two entirely different states. Virginia is home to Monticello and Allen Iverson. West Virginia is home to 50 foot rattlers and Kevin Pittnogle.

Baseball legend Satchel Paige was born on this date in 1906. He was as well known for his homespun wisdaom as he was for his fastball. Here's a few of his famous quotes.
I interviewed one of his former catchers a few years ago (seriously!) and will try to get that interview up on the website soon. Also, there are some pretty good debates brewing under the two Live 8 stories, one about Dave Matthews, the other about aid to Africa. Please feel free to add your two cents.

...in 1947 that aliens were found at Roswell. Well, maybe. The official Air Force report says that the "aliens" were mannequins. Here's some of the alien photos and some basic information, as well as some good links.

My thoughts about aliens? Well, I remember when the show Sightings used to come on, and they always had sort of trashy families on the show. And every episode, the families were eating pizza. Finally, I put two and two together and realized that talking about their encounters with UFOs got them free pizza. So after a while, I felt like people were just making stories up to get free pizza. That's my alien conspiracy theory.

...picking on Republicans for a while after this, but I gotta mention it. George Bush fell off his freaking bike again. This is like the 12th time he's fallen off his bike since taking office. In fact last year, he inspired a question of the week. He really needs to find a new hobby. Maybe jigsaw puzzles or tae-bo or something.

The bad news is that a federal judge is ordering a reporter to jail for not divulging sources, which is absolutely horrifying, since it seems like the kind of thing that happens in North Korea, not in the United States. The lone silver lining is that evil human being Karl Rove (see "racist attacks on McCain, 2000") could find himself in hot water because of it. Also, can anyone tell me why Robert Novak isn't in any trouble? That's the part I really don't get.

The Man in Black will be in concert tonight at Fergie's at 10, raising money for the most ridiculous cause in the history of the world. Tommorrow night, a Midsummer Night's Madness will be taking place, with Belgian band the Present and quizzo member KiaRash's band the Red Masque performing at the Allens Lane Art Center in Mount Airy. Show time is 8 pm and tickets are $20. If you have an upcoming music, stage, or comedy event, I would be more than happy to post it on the website. Just shoot me an email.

On July 6, 1887, an American militia forced Hawaiian King David Kalakaua to sign, at gunpoint, the Bayonet Constitution, giving American businessmen firm control over the Hawaiian government and leaving the Native population without a voice. The thing that's interesting about this is that there is currently a controversial bill being presented by Hawaiian senator Daniel Akaka which would recognize the the nation's 400,000 Native Hawaiians in the same way that it recognizes American Indians and Alaska natives. Some citizens of Hawaii see the bill as divisive, and many Native Hawaiians oppose the bill because they (and this is admirable, though impractical) think that since the land was seized illegally, it still belongs to them and should be reverted to an independant nation, not a state.

Hey, you can vote for either Brett Myers or Billy Wagner to make the All-Star team by clicking here. One Phillie who won't be making the team will be Jason "32 Degrees" Michaels. His new theme song when coming up to hit will be NWA's F*** the Police. Michaels, who previosuly wore number 22, will now wear #187.

Mean Gene Overland of the Notorious Missing Heads Crew was the winner of the "Pick Johnny's Motto" contest, coming from behind on the final day to overcome Mike, who got a bad hangover at Quizzo Bowl (He's the dude in back with the beard). Gene's "Where the Geeks Have No Shame" was the winner, barely knocking off Mike's "JGT Quizzo: Slightly Kooler than Dungeons and Dragons" by 85 votes to 83. Wanna thank everybody for coming up with mottoes and for voting for your favorite. I'll try to have t-shirts done soon, but I might have to wait until I get a Monday night slot. In the meantime, Mean Gene gets a $20 gift certificate to the Bards.

The point of Live 8 was not just to see a free concert, but to raise awareness of hunger in Africa, and hopefully to try to do something about it. In keeping with that spirit, it will cost each player $1 to participate in quizzo this week, with 100% of the proceeds going to the United Nations World Food Program. You are welcome to donate more, of course. At the end of the week, I will post on the site how much we raised.

What was the name of the building where the first ever Republican National Convention was held in 1856?

Just wanted to send a shout out to one of my favorite hip hop producers of all time, the RZA. Here's a really good audio interview with Terry Gross on NPR's Fresh Air a couple of months ago. And here's a pretty interesting interview with Bobby Digital in the Onion. It's also Huey Lewis's birthday, but really, who gives a s***. In Atlantic City last year, I did meet Lewis's drummer, and have a signed drumstick.

I arrived at the Parkway at about 11:30. My friends (Chet, Rob, Jesse, and Logan) had been there since 6, but I had hit silence on my phone when they had sent my wake up call. So I was gonna have to slice thru the crowd. They were near the front of the trees on Eakins Oval, and people were not overly pleased to let me slip thru. I got my first, "What the f*** is wrong with you" at around 11:48 as I slipped past a girls blanket. Finally, after about 45 minutes, I slithered up to my friends. By this time the show had already started.

Stupid Sexy Flanders slipped past two teams to take a one point victory at a packed Bards on Thursday night. But it was what was said after the match that has shocked the world. Darren Quagmire (second from right) claimed to reveal a decades old secret: that the Carly Simon song "You're So Vain" was about him. "Yeah, Carly always had a thing for me. But at the time, I was dating Crystal Gayle. So Carly gets all pissed and writes that stupid song, just to get back at me." Of course, after Carly revealed that three of the letters in the persons name were e, a, and r, most people assumed that the person in question was Marv Albert.

Kid Dynamite, a company that specializes in carrying out assassinations via dynamite, won the battle on Thursday night, but lost the war. Though they dispatched of the opposition at quizzo in an impressive 99-90 victory over the Cracked Eggheads, they were not nearly as succesful in their attempt to rid the world of a Road Runner that has made life miserable for a nearby resident. "Yeah, he seemed intrigued by the free bird seed, and I thought we had him, but the damn dynamite didn't explode," said Kid Dynamite employee Dupont Seville. "Of course as soon as he ran off and I went to inspect the dynamite, it then exploded. I was lucky to only get a scorched face and body. I'll tell you this much: That'll be the last time I shop at Acme."

They are the most reviled team in quizzo, perhaps the most hated in the history of the sport. They aren't even regulars, just a group of guys who tend to show up when there's money on the line. They make disparaging comments about the other teams and carry themselves with a smugness that borders on conceit. One of them even accepted the loss of points during quizzo one time so he could play with his collar up! And the sick thing about it is: They can back it up. They won Quizzo Bowl, and were well on their way to winning Doc Watson's Big $$$ Bonanza when Doc Watson's ran out of Big $$$. They have only lost twice during regular quizzo events, and told me after each loss that it was a "fluke". But you will have a chance to knock them off their high horse on one of the grandest stages in the city. On August 28th, 2005, you will have a chance to Beat the Champs at the World Cafe Live. And here's the thing: they're so confident that they will win that they told me to give the other teams points, because they'll get bored if they don't have a handicap. Of course, I don't just give away points. You will have to earn them. And so, next week, I will reveal what physical challenges you will have to undertake to acquire points in your quest to Beat the Champs.

I usually love this city. I love the fact that everybody tells it like it is and wears their emotions on their sleeves and is fiercely loyal to the city, even as they insult it. But I am so sick of the whining concerning Live 8 that I gotta just say: Shut up! First, a disclosure. I have been guilty of it myself. Yeah, I was miffed that the Roots got turned away, and a band as crappy as Maroon 5 got invited. But it was put in perspective when somebody said, "Did Woodstock end up being a crappy event because Sha Na Na was there and Dylan wasn't?" Good point.

Remember when I told you that there was a petition out there encouraging Bruce Springsteen to come to Philly? Well, Jam Master Sean has started one to keep Bruce away. It really seems to be gathering steam.

You wanna see Def Leppard, but you want it in an intimate setting, without 1,000,000 people nearby? Well, they're gonna be playing tonight at Campbell's Field in Camden with...are you ready for this...Bryan Adams! This one's gonna cut like a knife!