June 2005 Archives

The Jams were able to pull off yet another victory at the 'Vous on Wednesday night, but some of them had to leave before they got their picture taken. "They were in a hurry," said team member Betty Bakersby. "They had to go shopping to get a birthday present for Hendrikje van Andel-Schipper (pronounced like it's spelled)and then go to her party. They were nervous about finding the right gift. I mean, what do you get for the 115 year old that has everything?"

...because the drought finally ended for WTF, who had had a painful string of second and third place finishes since winning way back on January 16th. It was an impressive win for WTF, who had to edge past perennial powerhouses River of Rocks and the Missing Heads. The Big Bopper (left) asked that I not use the above photo, since he looks like such a goober in it (he's the one on the left). Since our goal here at JGT, Inc. is to make our clients look as dignified (unlike the Bopper, left, in the above photo) as possible, I'm going to have to respectfully ask that you direct your attention to the less gooberish picture below. Please, do not even gaze at the photo above. The one with the Bopper on the left. Thank you.

Pepperoni had a perfect score going in to round four, but a failure to recognize the producers of one of their favorite drinks prevented them from finishing with the highest score ever. "We've been coming to the Bards and enjoying the refreshing taste of Zima for years," said Francis Fishbone of the victorious team. "Nothing like relaxing with a kool crisp Zima straight from the tap after a hard day at the office. The real problem was, I never associated it with some monolithic beer company. I always thought of it as simply a nectar of the Gods." 'Roni still won with an impressive 112.

The Doc Watson's Implosion was able to squeak out a one point come from behind win over the Johnny Goodtimes All Stars at O'Neals on Tuesday night, but the win was overshadowed by the HUGE news over at Live 8: that the Gert Jonny's had joined the bill! In an effort to appease those who had been upset about the fact that the Boss and the Roots were not going to be in the concert, promoters scrambled to find a fill-in that everybody would love, hip hop and rock fans alike. Mission accomplished! The Gert Jonny's, whose distinctive sound has rocked the Netherlands for over 20 years, are a band that has always received a ton of street cred (the vests you see them wearing are actually bulletproof, and they grew up on the mean streets of Haarlem, with two a's). Yet they have wowed rockers with their totally sweet versions of "Cum On Feel the Noise" and "Radar Love". The Gert Jonny's have made Live 8 a must see event.

I have no idea who wrote this. I promise I didn't write it. I'm not saying that I'm above writing flattering notes to myself on Craigslist, but I didn't write this particular one. Oh come on, I didn't write it. Why don't you believe me?

Not everybody's feeling the love on craigslist. This person doesn't seem like a big fan of hipsters.

Quizzo player Charles Bischof (Locust Rendezvous) wrote a rather interesting slant piece for this week's City Paper, saying that Live 8 is trying to oversimplify a complex problem.

You mighta already seen this, but if not, check it out. Curt Schilling totally blows away WIP. "They are some of the biggest pieces of trash." It's great, even though Schilling took a nose-dive on the old respect-o-meter when he stumped for Bush right after the Series last year (stay in the sports pages, pal).

The good people* over at Philebrity have started a petition to try to bring Bruce Springsteen to our fair city to play for Live 8. Yeah, he probably won't show, but what harm can it do? Sign the petition by clicking on Bruce.

*and by good people, we mean crotchety whiners.

...you get an email from your friend the Johnny Cash impersonator who is doing a concert to benefit the search for Natalee Holloway. I got this email recently from the Man in Black:

Where is she? Let me get this straight ... Aruba calls out the police, special crime unit, the Dutch Marines, and thousands of volunteer searchers-- and 4 weeks later there is still no trace of Natalie Holloway? The son of an influential local
judge knows what happened to her, but won't say? Our government can only do so much due to diplomatic policy? BALONEY!!

That's what a private organization in Alabama says, and they've mounted a costly private expedition to find her. They need support.

MAN IN BLACK:
The Concert To Find Natalee

Wednesday, July 6th
10:00 PM
Fergie's Pub
1214 Sansom St.
Philadelphia, PA

For a second there, I was worried about our good ol' president. But he reassured me last night that everything is working out just great. Here's a pretty good write up about Bush's speech last night. I'm glad that Bush reminded us last night that 15 of the 19 terrorists were Iraquis. Oops, did I say Iraquis? I meant Saudis. Here's what people are saying about Bush's boy John "Michael" Bolton. And below, I've included a couple of my favorite lines from Bush before the war.

Andrew Bogut was picked first in last night's NBA draft. In last year's, of course, the Orlando Magic took a bunch of white people.

Here's an article about birthday boy Pat Morita! And here is a pretty good audio interview with him (you gotta listen to the "Happy Days" theme song before it starts.) It's really interesting!

Here's a pretty comprehensive look at Gavrilo Princip and why he decided to kill Franz Ferdinand on June 28, 1914. If I had a name like Gavrilo Princip, I'd probably kill somebody too.

Hey, once a month, there will be kinky quizzo at the Dive. That includes tonight. In case you are wondering, the first two weeks with Pedro went very well, and I think it's gonna be a really great quizzo. Pedro returns next week.

Today is H. Ross Perot's 75th birthday! Let's celebrate with a few of his greatest quotes!

"If we did not have such a thing as an airplane today, we would probably create something the size of N.A.S.A. to make one."

"Failures are like skinned knees -- painful, but superficial."

“Which one of the three candidates would you want your daughter to marry?”

"It takes five years to design a new car in this country. Heck, we won World War II in four years."

"If you see a snake, just kill it - don't appoint a committee on snakes."

"The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river."

Have you guys seen tom cruise kill oprah? It's only like 10 seconds long, but it is mildly amusing.

On June 29th, 1905, this major league ballplayer made his only appearance in a major league game.

This story was written not by Johnny Goodtimes, but by a contestant in the Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes Contest, Jam Master Sean (aka Urbanus). He is one of RPS's most famous players.
Some people are into quizzo. Some people are into computers. Rock Paper Scissors. The dance of hands. That’s my thing. It’s a thinking person’s game, much like chess. I enjoy the mental aspects of it. Preparing elaborate scripts to use against opponents. Profiling opponents to determine which script would be effective in tournament play. Sometimes just winging it and using a reactive technique. It’s all about being able to read your competition.

Johnny Goodtimes went blow for blow for Philly Style magazine this week, and came out, as usual, a loser. Philly Style announced it's winners for Philly's best personalities of 2005, and ol' Johnny didn't make the cut.

Dr. J's Cover Band came away with a victory at the Good Dog on Thursday night, then encouraged people to buy Naked Zorro products. "All of the profits from these t-shirts, panties, mugs, etc. goes toward keeping Naked Zorro hidden from the police," said Brian Buckswain. "We, as Americans, have a responsibility to keep this man on the lamb." That's lam, Brian. Lam.

Sexually Attracted to Fire pulled off a narrow win over Stupid Sexy Flanders at the Bards on Thursday, then dedicated their win to the state of New Jersey, which was founded (as a colony) on June 24th, 1664. "We're really excited about this monumental anniversary, and hope that people take a second to realize how wonderful New Jersey really is," said team member Trenton Wildwood. Johnny Goodtimes was caught up in the celebration himself, and has even offered this link which will teach you more about all the great things and wonderful people found in New Jersey!

An asteroid, named after rock legend Bruce Springsteen, almost crashed the Jams party after their fourth win in the last six weeks. The Jams narrowly avoided a similar fate to the one suffered by Tom Delay a few weeks ago. Of course, Delay was hit by a comet, not an asteroid. There is a difference, I think. Though some people have claimed to have seen the Boss's face in the asteroid, such talk has been discounted as "ridiculous and frivolous" by Goodtimes.

The Morbidly Obese, a team of Missing Head ex-pats, missed only one of the first thirty questions at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, but fell to pieces down the stretch. Pepperoni, meanwhile, only got stronger as the match went on, and cruised to a victory in Round Four. WTF finished second. Things got worse for the Obese on Thursday, when they arrived at the office and found the following banner, created by office mates Skyler "Stanley" Colfax and Debbie Henderson. Pepperoni denied any involvement in the banner, but did admit that Skyler, quote, "was a friend of a friend."

The government is planning on slashing the budgets of NPR and PBS. Sign this petition to encourage them not to!

Happy Birthday to the controversial Dr. Alfred Kinsey, who would turn 111 today.

Finally, a website which proves whether or not the line "We don't need no stinking badges" is used in a variety of different films. Btw, a few people asked me yesterday where to go to vote for the JGT motto. Just scroll down. It's on the right side of the page under "poll."

CBA in 2005 was able to pull off a fairly sizable win at the Bards, despite having a hard time hearing the questions because those obnoxious chicks up front would not stop screaming. (They were hot, though, so Johnny has decided to forgive them.)

CBA in 2005 ran into some trouble with the JGT Ethics Committee shortly after the contest. The JGTEC had recently outlawed cabbage during quizzo events, and couldn't help but notice a large head of it on the bar after the contest. "When the Korean Baseball Association decided to outlaw cabbage, we decided to follow suit," said Ethics Committee Chairman Teddy Roosevelt, Jr. "We consider this to be a sensitive moral issue, because we consider cabbage to be a 'foreign object', much like brass knuckles or even numbchucks."

CBA (which stands for Cabbage Ban Absurd) strongly disagrees. "Outlawing cabbage at an Irish bar is like outlawing Hummer-driving Jersey Trash in Old City," said CBA member Parsnip Catalogue. "It's counterintuitive and downright disingenuous." Later reports indicated that Catalogue has a Word-a-Day calendar at home.

Johnny Goodtimes would like to extend a happy 30th birthday to Western Omelette star Brett "the Barber" Beefcake (pink hat)! If you or anyone you know has an upcoming b-day, please let Johnny know.

It should have been a joyous occasion for the JGT All Stars. They won for the fifth time in seven weeks at O'Neals. But the source of anger was the American Film Institutes list of top 100 movie quotes. "Are you kidding me?" asked Chippy Sparks of the All Stars. "100 great movie quotes, and not a single one from Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure? No 'Tell 'em Large Marge sent ya'? No 'There's no basement at the Alamo." No 'Do you have anything to share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?'" When a spokesman for the AFI called Chippy's complaints "outrageous", Chip responded, "I know you are, but what am I?"

Join Johnny after quizzo on Wednesday as he goes to see former BTNJGT contestant Edge (aka Privilege) perform at the Five Spot. No, not quizzo. It'll be that hip-hop music all the kids are listening to. The show begins at 10 p.m. Tix are $5, and domestic beers are only $2. Imports and highballs are $3. Also on the bill are the Catastrophics. Hope to see you there.

I've selected my ten favorite motto ideas. Now it's time for you to vote for the best one. Your vote will decide what the official Johnny Goodtimes motto will be. Wanna thank everybody who participated. There were a lot of really good ones. Oh, and I got a couple of funny photos when I went home for the weekend. I'll post them later.

I love cats, but this is one only a mother could love-the two faced cat. Great quote in the news story: "If she makes it, she should be a perfectly normal and healthy cat. Other than having two faces." Invoking, yet again, one of my favorite quotes of all time. Marion Berry: "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." Heres' a bunch of other great quotes and weird facts.

On June 21, 1877 ten irishmen were hung in what is now Jim Thorpe, Pennsylvania. What were these men known as?

The moon will be hanging lower in the sky this week than it has in 18 years. Speaking of moons, and we were, did you read about the bizarre cult ceremony held last year by criminal Sun Yung Moon-and attended by dozens of Senators? Warning: Any faith you may have in your elected officials will disappear after reading this.
Oh, and here's an interesting piece of info: Moon, who is friends with North Korea's Kim Jong Il, has received hundreds of thousands of dollars from the Bush administration to promote abstinence.

Sunday is the last day of the Give Johnny a Motto contest! The winner gets a $20 gift certificate to the Bards, praise and acclaim on the website, and a t-shirt with their motto on it! I will select my favorites, and then we will vote next week for the best one. More details are below.

The Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular needs a motto. Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo:_____________. So I need your help. Just enter it in comments under this or send me an email. You can enter as many times as you like. Just be sure to leave an email address so I know how to contact you if you win. The deadline is June 19th.

Oh...My...Gosh! Are you kidding me? Tom and Katie are going to tie the knot! This is sooooooo exciting. We've needed something like this to turn our frowns upside down after the Brad and Jennifer break-up.

"Uh, hey Johnny. What about our win at the Bards?"

A lot of people were like "publicity stunt", but I was like, "no way". Tom takes love too seriously. He knows it's not a game!

"Hey, that's great, Johnny, but we were the top team in a packed house. Doesn't that..."

I knew Penelope wasn't right for him. I mean, she's soooo pretty, but there just wasn't a spark, you know? You can tell.

"Damnit, Johnny, give us our due! This is our time to shine, not Tom Cruise's!"

My ideal wedding for them: In my backyard, just a quiet affair, just a few friends and family, including myself. Tom comes over and thanks me for letting them use my backyard, and says, "We couldn't have done this without you." Then, just when you thought things couldn't get any better, the door opens, and there is Anthony Edwards (starring as Goose)! It turns out he didn't die when the plane went down! He was in hiding with 2Pac in a secret underwater colony run by the government! That would be the best wedding ever!

Yo! was able to sqeak past their arch nemesis the Jams in an exciting contest hosted by Pedro at the Vous on Wednesday. But the intenstiy of the quizzo paled in comparison to the intensity that will accompany team member Herm's next endeavor: eating as many jellyfish (with nettles) as he can! Herm has been eating bees and glass to prepare him for the pain. If he wins, Philly will finally get that ticker tape parade we've longed so desperately for.

A few of the players on Shite 'n' Onions won earlier this week at the Bards, then complained of having to dance with Evander Holyfield, wishing they could dance with Joey McIntyre. Well, we weren't able to get Joey to dance with them, but we were able to get Jordan Knight (top right of photo). This long time New Kidder really had some sweet...oh, whoops. Sorry. That's not Jordan Knight. It's Pedro Mays. My bad. White kids from Boston all look the same.

Chancellor-elect was able to win a squeaker at a private party on Wednesday night. The lawyers, who all work for the well-respected firm of Sanders, Thomas, and Kroc, were a bit worried when the Colonel showed up for the fourth round. "Yeah, he's been in a snippy mood ever since KFC merged with Taco Bell," said team member Atticus Succatash. "The Colonel just hates Chalupas. But fortunately, he knows a lot about the space program, and he was able to help us with the weekly double."

Today would be Tupac's 34th birthday, if he were still alive. Or is he still alive? Here's the conspiracy theory behind his "fake" death. And here is a controversial story about 2Pac that perpetuates the conspiracy theory that appeared on johnnygoodtimes.com a few months ago.

This is a pretty decent (albeit biased) bio of Shakur, and finally, the crimelibrary's file on the deaths of SHakur and Biggie Smallz.

Senor Has a Big Light Saber was able to knock off the Barrel-o-Monkeyz on Wednesday at the Black Sheep, 90-85. But the real action took place shortly after the contest, when a crazed Star Wars fan showed up with an even bigger light saber. "I thought my light saber was big," said Senor. "But that crazed fat guy in the diapers, I mean his light saber was just enormous." Senor added that he had contracted a bad case of light saber envy, and thinks that he might buy an H2 Hummer to make up for his inadequacy.

In addition to winning the $40 gift certificate at the Bards on Tuesday night, Sexually Attracted to Fire also got to "Dance With the Stars". Well, at least one of the stars. "Yeah, dancing with Evander Holyfield was kool, I guess," said team member Liam Gleason. "But he was a little clumsy, and I don't think either one of us did such a good job leading. Let's be honest. We would have much rather danced with Joey McIntyre (below). He's the bomb."

Screw Scientology: Katie Worships Us emerged victorious at O'Neals, totally screwing Johnny, who threw all of his best Scientology stuff up on the website yesterday. Well, almost all. Fortunately, he did keep one ace up his sleeve. How about this fun little tidbit: The first ever Church of Scientology was located in, yep, you guessed it, Camden, New Jersey. Just another notch in the belt for our favorite little town. Here's a little song I think you might enjoy, called "I'm From New Jersey" (just click on the Camden edition), and here's the lyrics so you can sing along! Screw Scientology member Hans Solo won for the first time in over a year.

You're going to love Annie's Flag Day page. Finally, a website devoted entirely to Flag Day!

Yes, it looks like Katie Holmes is joining the Church of Scientology! When asked what about the religion excited her the most, she said, "Buying the black Nikes and waiting for the comet!" Here is the Scientology website, and here is a highly critical look at Scientology. ANd finally, here's a pretty interesting 1983 interview with L. Ron's son, L. Ron Hubbard, Jr.

Paris Hilton says she is retiring! Which means that my definition of "retiring" is obviously a little off. See, I thought that to retire, one had to actually be employed. I didn't think you could retire from being, say, a talentless whore.

...I highly recommend it. It's video of Triumph at the Jackson trial.

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy!

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is plastic and harmful to children, the other is used to carry
groceries.

Unbelievable! I just got an email me letting me know that Doc Watson's is closed! Therefore, there will be no quizzo tonight. Plans for re-opening are questionable at best. I will hit the streets and see if we can put together another Monday night quizzo ASAP, and hopefully even be able to keep the contest going (The idea and money came from Doc's). If I can explain that we can keep a crowd coming in, somebody might be willing to do it. If you've got any good ideas for bars in the area, please let me know. If I had known that this was a possibility, I would not have okayed the contest. There will be no more quizzo at Doc's in the future.

If you were going to host a sort of scavenger hunt in Philadelphia, what kind kool things could you ask people to do? I can't reveal the reason I am asking just yet, but you'll know soon enough. I'll just tell you this: I think it's going to be a really kool event. Just click on comments below to leave your suggestions. And check the message board to let me know who you think is the most annoying person on television.

British politician John Stonehouse is best known for doing what in 1974? (It's a pretty neat story.)

Pedro Mays, winner of the "Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes Contest", will be premiering at the Dive (947 Passyunk Avenue) on Tuesday, June 14th at 8:30 p.m.!

...are the ones that make the least sense.

Kevin Pittsnogle will be returning to West Virginia for his senior season!

The earth spun backwards on its axis for two hours on Thursday night, confusing scientists and allowing the Losers to pull off one of the biggest shockers in quizzo history, knocking off the Hulkamaniacs by one and Stupid Sexy Flanders by two. Although there has been no empirical proof of the earth actually having done so, scientists claim that the odds of the team with the lowest score in quizzo history (be sure to click on the pic in the old story, pretty funny) pulling off a victory are so astronoical that the "Reverse axis" theory is the only viable one they can come up with.

Hello, this is Ndango Ngewy, member of the victorious MJ's PJ Party and former princess of Negeria. My father is overthrown in a violent coup about two months ago. You probably know nothing about this because you are an stupid Americans who only care about Brittany's pregnancy. Anyways, we did had to clear out our bank accounts in Negeria after the coup and have to put them into another banks. But the interest rates is so high that we want to hide some of money in bank account of you. For allowing us to do so, we will give you $6 million dollar. I hope this is acceptable for you. Oh, and if you see naked zorro, please tell him that there is former african princess who is just dying to meet him. Thank you.

You're sitting at your desk, wondering how in the world you're going to get through those final few hours of a hazy Friday. I may have the answer: Anagrams!

Naked Zorro, who has been spotted repeatedly in Doylestown, made his mark in Philadelphia last night, helping to lead the River of Rocs to an overtime victory over WTF at the Black Sheep. The mysterious masked man, who protects the citizens of Doylestown from evil Spanish governors while nude, celebrated the victory with a stirring rendition of the Mexican Hat Dance.

The Jams, who seem to be free of the Curse of the Ern-bino now that he no longer plays at the Vous, were able to skate to an easy win on Wednesday for the third time in the last four weeks. Ern, who long complained about the papparazzi since becoming a quizzo legend, was reportedly displeased when a photographer from the quizzo tabloid "Quiz!!!" shot this exclusive photo of him at a local Be-Lo.

Satan was on hand to help Get Behind Me Satan pull off a narrow defeat of the Defective Sidewalk, 105-101, at the Bards on Tuesday. The team, which sold it's collective souls to the Lord of the Hoary, Hoary Netherworld in return for the victory, was relieved when Satan knew almost all of the questions about New Jersey. "Of course I know the answers to the New Jersey questions," said Beezlebub, the Prince of Darkenss. "Who do you think created the place?"

Footnote: If you are a Satanist, but don't know how to tell your parents, please click here.

The JGT All-Stars had both the look and the smarts at O'Neals on Tuesday, becoming only the 2nd team ever to unveil quizzo-inspired t-shirts. "These shirts can really be worn everywhere, from the gym to the streets to Philly "hot spots", like Glam and 32 Degrees," explained team member Brian "Boy" Tonno. "They also have a special built in formula that gets rid of stains and helps you lose weight." Brian added that it was very important that you keep JGT All-Star shirts away from pets and small children, as well as electrical wires.

Where's Johnny took a rather commanding lead in the Doc Watson's Big Money Bonanza, but there is still plenty of time for a couple of other teams to make a comeback. The Quizzo Bowl champs held off the Dropkick Finkelstein's who came in second for the 2nd straight week. The Holy Pontiffs finished third to remain withing striking distance. Here are the standings after four weeks, with four weeks left to play.
1st-Where's Johnny-18 points
2nd-The Holy Pontiffs-14 points
3rd-Johnny Makes Me Wanna-8 points
3rd-Dropkick Finkelsteins-8 points
5th-The Wanderers-3 points
6th-Claire Huxtable-2 points
6th-Corner of the Bar-2 points
6th-Jolly Bengali's-2 points
6th-We Put the FU in Fun-2 points

Hey, former BTNJGT contestant Krystyna is participating in the fringe festival, and needs pics of people's kitchens. Here's the scoop.
As a possible addition to my presentation of The
Kitchen, for the Philly Fringe, I would like to fill
the space, be that walls or video, with photographs of
kitchens. If any one has a digital camera or such
media to photo and e-mail these pictures for
consideration I would appreciate it. Please note your
name, if you want your name mentioned or anonymous,
and contact info for records.
Please e-mail kys_4@yahoo.com
Also, do not be afraid to be daring yet honest. Human
(what the hell, and pets) inclusion is great,
particularly in a normal kitchen activity. As time
goes on I will inform those participants whose photos
will be displayed and in what format.

I forgot to congratulate my boy Allen Iverson on his birthday yesterday. Perhaps the greatest piece of trivia about Philly's favorite trivia host? I played against AI in high school. No kidding. I'll recap the story sometime. Anyway, here's the meaning of each of the tattooes on his body. Pretty interesting.

On this date in 1949, George Orwell's novel 1984 was published. Here is an interesting analysis of how much of it has come true. Oh, and here's an interesting piece of irony (and don't send me some b.s. about the definition of irony. I've had so many people tell me so many different things about it, I'm losing my mind.)