May 2005 Archives

Contestants in an annual cheese rolling competition in England suffered a number of injuries as they chased a wheel of cheese down a hill. I think we should have some ridiculous competition like this here in Philly, other than Wing Bowl. Any ideas?

Underground music legend Wesley Willis would have turned 42 today if he were still alive. His music is hilarious, depressing, and uplifting all at the same time. For those of you who have never heard of Wesley, I highly suggest you check out some of these tunes. I suggest "Rock and Roll McDonalds" and "Cut That Mullet".

The Final question for our final three contestants was: If you could have any job in the world (other than quizmaster) what would it be and why?

The Finals of the Be the Next JGT Contest are tonight, with the final three competing at O'neals at 8 p.m. The crowds vote will help decide our champion.

I went to Jim Thorpe over the weekend and did some white water rafting. But the highlight of the trip may have been the visit to the jail in town. It was plenty creepy enough in its own right, but what really took it over the top was the mysterious handprint on the wall. A man, about to be hung in the 1870s, rubbed his hand on the ground and then smacked it against the wall, saying that the handprint would never wash out, forever serving as a reminder that an innocent man had been hanged. The handprint is still there, despite numerous attempts to get rid of it. Here's some more background on this crazy story.

What immensely popular fictional character was loosely based on a physician and professor named Joseph Bell?

In last year's Best Of... edition, Philadelphia Magazine shunned quizzo, despite the fact that it is way more vintage philly than, say, who sells the best handbag. So please help me out by taking five seconds and clicking here, and nominating, um, I don't know, whoever you think is worthy. I'll just stand off to the side here while you place your nomination. Don't mind me. Just pretend like I'm not even here. With an "h". That's Johnny with an "h". I mean, if you decide to nominate me, be sure you spell it with an "h" so there's less confusion. I'm sorry. I'll be quiet now. I mean, I'm sure several quizzo hosts had a quizzo bowl this year, so any one of them would be worthy of the attention lavished on them by this publication. They probably all have a website that takes pictures of the winners and occasionally everybody else. Am I thinking out loud? I'm sorry. I'll stop. You just go ahead and vote.

You're made aware of a website like this, cryingwhileeating.com.

Remember when we tried out for that reality show on the WB? Well, apparently none of us made it. The only local dude is from Bucks County. Here's the details on the show, which apparently starts tomorrow:
South Philly's Krystal Tini, 21, who wrapped her fourth season with the Sixers Dance Team, is featured on the new WB series Beauty and the Geek (premiering tomorrow at 8 p.m. on Channel 17). The show, executive-produced by Ashton Kutcher, pairs up sultry women and nerdy guys who play off the others' strengths. Top prize: $250,000. Among the Geeks is Bill Lambing, 29, of Ottsville, Bucks County, who's identified as the vice president of a Dukes of Hazzard fan club.

Alright, in my never ending quest to visit every town in this state with a weird name, I'm heading to Jim Thorpe today and won't come back until tommorrow night. There are a few quick announcements. There is no quizzo on Monday night. We're takin' the night off for the holiday. I will be back in action on Tuesday, and as of right now, the finals in the Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes contest will take place on Tuesday night. The crowd at O'Neals (and possibly the Bards) will help me decide who will be the next JGT, and the winner will be hosting quizzo Thursday night at the Good Dog. Hope everybody's having a good holiday weekend.

In a sickening display of soulless greed, Philadelphia's most reviled quizmaster put in a bid on a newborn baby on EBay. "Yeah, I offered to advertise on a newborn for a month," said an unrepentant Goodtimes. "Unfortunately, you only get to put your logo on his clothes. I had hoped to maybe write johnnygoodtimes.com in marker on his forehead or something." When asked if he had any reservations about doing anything so ethically questionable, Goodtimes added, "Of course. I wasn't sure if I wanted my company associated with something that poops all over itself. But it's cheaper than advertising in the paper."
UPDATE: Well, it looks like Goodtimes will not be advertising on the baby, as he had hoped. He went all the way up to $25 without the reserve even being met. "I ain't spending more than $25 to put my website on that stupid baby," says JGT. As of 11:50 a.m., the highest bidder was $100, and the reserve had still not been met. He does take credit for opening the floodgates, however. "Yeah, everybody was scared to advertise on that baby until I stepped up to the plate. I'm like Grandmaster Flash, getting the ball rolling, but never really getting the credit I deserve."

The Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee held an emergency meeting in the early hours of Friday morning after hearing reports that the victorious team at the Bards on Thurday night, Stupid Sexy Flanders, had celebrated their win by going out claipping. Though the Johnny Goodtimes Official Rulebook does not specifically outlaw claipping, Johnny has in the past asked participants to not celebrate victories by shooting guns in the air or turning over cop cars and setting them on fire. (Johnny has given the OK to celebrate wins by turning over Hummers with Jersey license plates and setting them on fire, however.) The Ethics Committee does not like being roused by these reports, and punishment is expected to be draconian.

You know that dude Brad Rutter that kicked Ken Jennings ass in Ultimate Jeopardy? Well, apparently, he's single, and he's got a buddy who's trying to help him find dates. I'm not kidding! And the best part is, he lives nearby! He lives in Lancaster, but I don't think he's Amish.

Dr. Know made a comeback in the fourth round of quizzo on Thursday night at the Good Dog to defeat Burt Reynold's Pimp Slap. But they had to share the spotlight with possibly the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life (below), a good dog named Stella.

In a major upset on Wednesday night, Pepperoni was able to knock off the Missing Heads 93-91. It was a big win for the...MY GOODNESS, MAN, WHAT ARE YOU SICK BASTARDS COOKING ON THE TABLE!!! I REMEMBER READING ABOUT THIS KIND OF THING HAPPENING A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO IN GERMANY, BUT I NEVER IMAGINED IT WOULD..."Relax, Johnny. It's just a delicious pepperoni roll." Oh. Pepperoni roll. My bad.

Just thought I'd make you guys aware of this. Looks pretty kool. -John Goodtimes
Once Upon A Nation is Philadelphia's brand-new annual summer-long celebration where engaging stories of Benjamin Franklin, Betsy Ross, James Forten, and dozens of known and unknown characters will make Philadelphia's rich history come alive. Stories filled with human drama, love, anguish, conflict, humor, and joy will engage all age groups. These stories will combine with evening events and heritage tours to create a fun and memorable experience. History will never be the same.

RSVP to phillyfriends@gophila.com by 4:00p.m. Friday May 27, 2005.

Whatever you say was able to win at the Vous on Wednesday night, despite the fact that they had three former members airbrushed out of the photo. While members of the team reported that Johnny forgot to take the winning team's photo and just used an old one, Goodtimes claimed that he would never stoop to such levels. He claimed that three of the people in the original photo are in the witness protection program, including Ern.

Hey Phillies, would you mind just playing the rest of your games on the road? CB Park is so nice, it seems like such a waste to have a team like you playing in it when we could have like kickball games and picnics and stuff there.

To the dumb chick who spilled red wine on me last night at McGillan's: after you bumped me with your elbow for the third time and excused yourself (this all before before the wine incident), don't you think it might have a decent idea to quit swinging your elbow onto my table? Good work.

Got a question for Don Rumsfeld? Anything at all? Well, then, just go ahead and ask him, and he will answer your question! Ask him whether he's the best Secretary of Defense ever, or whether or not he likes kittens. He takes all questions, as do Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz.

The F'ers were able to squeeze past the Defective Sidewalk at the Bards on Tuesday night, then announced that they had been signed to an endorsement deal with Big Fizz Root Beer. "We're really excited to be working with Big Fizz," said team member Frankie Fuqua (pronounced Fuke-wa, you dirtbags). "Yeah, Hires and A & W might use higher quality ingredients, but I don't see either of them offering their root beer in the 3 liter size." Added Big Fizz spokesman Jasper Weinberger, "Big Fizz uses only fresh roots. The roots of which plants? Well, that's our secret. Also, we're the only root beer that comes in the 3 liter size." The F'ers are the second Bards team to sign an endorsement deal this year.

Aviation disaster struck again at O'Neals, shortly after the JGT All-Stars pulled off their sixth win in the last eight weeks. The bar, which saw a disaster narrowly avoided a few weeks ago when an inexperienced airline pilot flew into restricted quizzo airspace, this time saw a blimp crash into the oyster bar across the street shortly after taking the winning team's photo. The photo was part of what was another hair-brained scheme by Goodtimes called, "Get your photo taken indoors by a blimp". Fans of johnnygoodtimes.com might remember that Johnny used to have his own blimp, but it never made it off the ground.

Quizzo Bowl winners Where's Johnny took sole control of first place in the Doc Watson's Big $$$ Bonanza with their second first place finish in three weeks. The team then dedicated the win to Phil Spector, who is currently on trial. In fact, team member Brando Calfission even got a perm done just like the famous record producer. Here's the standings after three weeks:
1st-Where's Johnny-13 points
2nd-The Holy Pontiffs-11 points
3rd-Johnny Makes Me Wanna-8 points
4th-Dropkick Finkelsteins-4 points
5th-The Wanderers-3 points
6th-Claire Huxtable-2 points
6th-Corner of the Bar-2 points
7th-There's No Dana-1 point

Glenn Macnow of WIP recently tried to find the best burger in the Philly area. His number one place, though, was in Trenton. WTF? Monk's and Standard Tap both made the top 10. But I think I know who has a better burger than Monk's or the Tap. Snow White, on 19th and Chestnut, has a kick ass burger (with cheese and onions) that seems even better than it really is because every time I go in there it's a completely surreal experience. The staff is all asian, except for one black guy they call "Chef". They all heckle and tease each other and the regulars, and there is always at least one person in there who is at least mildly insane. The last time I was there this old man walked in and hollered, "Give me a cup of coffee, mama." He then turned around and saw that a lady was looking at him. "Stare all you want, baby. I may be 87, but I know I'm still beautiful." You just don't get that at Monk's. Besides, their buns are too damn big. Here's the story on the world's largest burger (15 pounds.)

This is just simply incredible. I told the Doc's crowd last night that I would have it online, and here it is. Information on how you can participate in the 2005 masturbate-a-thon.

I was really having a hard time deciding between the contestants, so I didn't eliminate any over the weekend, and decided instead to have the crowd at Doc Watson's help me eliminate them. So last night, each contestant did a round, and then I gave the rather sizable crowd two votes. I then gave two points for a first place vote and one point for a second place vote. And the verdict was...incredible. This is no lie. Moose got 28 points. Pedro Mays got 28 points. Jam Master Sean...got 28 points. Krystyna actaully did pretty well, finishing with 19 points. I had planned on cutting two people, but I just don't feel like I can do it with everything being so close. Sadly, I will have to cut one. I thought Krystyna did a really nice job, and I will definitely keep her on my email list in case I head out of town, get sick, etc. But she is the fourth person eliminated from the "Be the Next johnny Goodtimes Contest."

All four of the remaining contestants in the "Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes Contest" will be performing tonight at Doc Watson's, and you will help decide who the next two are to get cut. Show begins at eight.

What is claipping?

I woke up Saturday morning with a terrible hangover. I don't normally drink tequila, but it had flowed like the river the night before. So at 10:15 I staggered out of bed and into the shower, ready for the days adventure to begin. All I knew is that me and my buddy Ken were headed for a place called Intercourse, and that there were going to be a bunch of Amish at the end of this particular rainbow. But this was one of those trips where I wasn't going to do any research. I was just gonna head out there and see what happened.

Brian of The JGT All-Stars (See O'Neals story. He's the guy in back with the beard) is a Star Wars fanatic, so when I found out that he was going to be seeing the 12:01 screening of Star Wars III, I asked him to write a review. Here are his thoughts.

For the first 336 days of 1977, I was five years old. It was during this time that I fell in love…..and I fell hard. Now for all of you who don’t believe at love at first sight, I assure you that you are wrong. For my first love is actually still with me to this day, as beautiful as ever. And after all this time, she still possesses the ability to put a smile on my face despite my mood and lift me out to a galaxy far, far away. I refer, of course, to Star Wars (or “Star Wars, Episode IV: A New Hope” as it has come to be known). And now, on the morning of May 19, 2005 I hate to say I am heartbroken. Not by the film, Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (which I saw at 12:01 this morning and it totally f@&^ing rocked), but by the fellow fans who felt the same as I did that fateful day in ’77 when they too were seduced by the ways of the Force. Allow me to explain.

The Plum Street Hot Dogs fell behind early, but they worked their buns off to ketchup, and in the end, they mustard a big win over their foes. To be frank, the weather was a bit chili, and the quizmaster refused to quit grilling the participants, but the Plum St. Hot Dogs emerged as the wieners, and this is a win they can relish forever.

Freud's Mother, inspired by the play of 170 year old team member Amalia Freud, blew past the competition at the Good Dog on Thursday night, recording an impressive win. "We were impressed not only by her play, but also by Johnny's colorization skills," said team member Cornelius Lee Grant. "Who'd he learn from, Ted Turner?" Meanwhile, Ryan Never Goes Home (below) did go home-with a brand new "Curious Kittens" calendar! I highly recommend clicking on the below shot, since it may be the greatest photo ever taken.

The Jams were able to pull off a rare victory at the Rendezvous on Wednesday, but their win was overshadowed by reports of Malia wanting out of the "Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes Contest". The cat, currently in second place in the poll on the website, complained that due to the extra work and the stress involved, she was down to sleeping only 15 hours a day. However, she has not officially revoked her candidacy. We'll keep an eye on this story as it develops. (I stole that last line from Action News.)

We've just got two words for you, Johnny," said Raul Allergy smugly after the Missing Heads had pulled off an impressive win against their old rivals, WTF. "Word Up."

No, the miracle was not the victory by the F'ers, despite the fact they did it in such convincing fashion. No, the reason there are thousands of people at the Bards right now (What are you doing reading this? You should be at the Bards!) is that there appears to be an image of Zeus in the mirror at the back of the room. While employees of the Bards claim that it is only a "stain", many disagree. "Finally, proof that Zeus does exist!" said onlooker Hermitus Postulus. "All my friends thought I was some sort of weirdo, always talking about the 'King of the Gods'. I mean, I stopped believing in Apollo when I was a kid, but I never stopped believing in Zeus! Nonbelievers are going to have to accept his presence now, now that he's a stain on a mirror at the Bards!"

Happy 16th birthday to Sarah, who played on Tuesday (with her dad, and no, she wasn't boozing) at O'Neals. Ah, I remember my 16th birthday, when my parents said I couldn't have my license yet because I wasn't responsible enough. If you think that was embarrassing, ha-ha, well you are wrong.

The JGT All-Stars did not win any friends at quizzo on Tuesday night at O'Neals, edging the Peanut Butter Bumpers, 100-96. The Bumpers immediately protested. "How come they got to play with Boba Fett during the Star Wars round?" asked Red Askew of the Bumpers. "He really didn't help that much," answered Chippy of the All-Stars. "All he said was, 'Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold'. I'm not even sure I know what that means."

Where's Johnny (you might recognize them from Quizzo Bowl I) ran off a perfect round four to defeat Johnny Makes Me Wanna LaLa, 113-107. The team only missed one question the entire game, that being the one about Lando Calrission. Billy Dee Williams was disappointed. "Man, those cats would have gotten that right if they had just listened to me and, instead of drinking lager, had drank Colt .45 malt liquor. How many times do I have to say this? It works every time!" Here's the standings after two weeks of the Doc Watson's Big $$$ Bonanza.
1. Where's Johnny-8 points
2. Johnny Makes Me Wanna LaLa-8 points
3. The Holy Pontiffs-8 points
4. The Wanderers-3 points
5. Corner of the Bar-2 points
6. Claire Huxtable-1 point

Here's some more ribbons. The first one comes to us courtesy of MC Kool Aid Sweet. The second one comes from Mike La Mare. The third one comes from Willie Washburn.

This one, once again, comes from anonymous (and no, anonymous isn't me). If you wanna make a ribbon, just click here. It's kool. Everybody's doin' it.

One of my favorite Americans of all time would have turned 80 today. Here is a collection of great quotes. If you have not read "The Autobiography of Malcolm X", READ IT!

This one comes to us courtesy of "anonymous".

What? You thought I was just going to let that stupid ribbon thing go? You've got to be kidding me. Not when there is a website that lets you make your own ribbon! Please, Please send me any ribbons you make and if they're funny I will post them on the website, along with your name, (if you want). Just send them to johnny@johnnygoodtimes.com.

Edge and Moose will be making an appearnace tonight at the Good Dog, while Jam Master Sean will be at the Bards. I highly suggest clicking on "Continue Reading" to read Sean's piece. It's hilarious. As with the other contestants, they had to tell what three people they'd like to have dinner with, and why.

Moose: Because we are unable to invite the entire Wu-Tang Clan I have tried to make a list of folks who at least will provide me with decent dinner conversation. First I would invite Ralph Ellison because he is my favorite author and one of my favorite books is Invisible Man (if you haven't read it, DO IT!) This would give me a chance to discuss working a theatrical version of his great work and maybe others. Next I would love to sit down with Japanese great Akira Kurosawa, I love all of his work, and would love to hear more on his process of film making as being the next JGT is not my only interest. Lastly, and this is the most personal to me; Gabriel Union, so that maybe she will spend some time with me after dinner, maybe...

A website dedicated to how stupid those "Support our Troops" stickers are on cars. (You should see how many of these ridiculous things I see on cars when I'm in Virginia. Honestly, some cars have like three of them, I guess indicating that the driver supports the troops three times as much as some dolt who only spent the $2 for one measly sticker.) No, I'm not anti-troops, but this is really the most meaningless message ever. Do you think anybody is riding down the road, thinking "Damn those troops, I'll never support them" and then they see one of these bumper stickers and think, "you know what? I've had a change of heart. I think I will support our troops." I got an idea for a sticker. How about, "Support the Sun." If you've got any good ideas for vague, meaningless stickers, feel free to make a comment below.

The runaway bride is commemorated with an action figure! Sing it with me now, "God Bless America..." Oh, and check the message board for VH1's top ten worst songs of all time, and offer your own two cents.

Krystyna apparently thinks Christian Slater is so dreamy, he constitutes three people, so here's her answer to what three people she would have over for dinner.
My dream dinner is mushroom pizza and beer on a shag
rug with a small dim lamp in a far corner. On the
boob tube plays Tales from the Darkside: The Movie,
and Christian Slater, my Gleaming the Cube dream boat,
is on his way with Reese's peanut butter cups for
dessert. Christian and I reminiscence on the good ol'
days of Bones Brigade and Hosoi's degradation with
drugs and skateboard failure. I sweetly tell my
beautiful Christian to never loose that slightly
annoying Heathers drawl. The rest of the evening is
whimsical mockings about Keanu's future and if we'll
see River in front of the Viper Room tonight.
Christian mutters, "His brother should really grow a
mustache" and we giggle in each others arms.

Wouldn't it be kool if this country had any politicians with balls? What a breath of fresh air it was to see this British guy eat a Senate subcommittee for lunch today, saying that he had met with Saddam Hussein twice, "Exactly as many times as Donald Rumsfeld has met with him. The difference is Donald Rumsfeld met him to sell him guns."

This week our contestants were asked, if they could have three people over for dinner, who would they be, and why? Here is Pedro Mays response.
If I could have any three people in history over for dinner,
they would be my grandfather (my dad's dad), John Adams, and
TV star Raven (formerly known as Raven Symone and “Olivia
Kendall” on seasons 6-8 of “The Cosby Show). I chose these
people not only because I admire them, I am intrigued by them,
or I think they're just cute as a button- I also think they
would have interesting conversations of their own that I could
listen in on. My grandfather was a history buff, for instance,
and would have a lot of questions for Adams about the colonial
and Revolutionary periods. And like my grandfather, John Adams
was a blunt and assertive man who, despite his love for his
country, was an internationalist who believed in multilateral
cooperation to achieve important ends. And I know that both
would be charmed by the beautiful and winning Raven, as she
regaled us with hilarious anecdotes about zany times on the
set of “Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper,” where she played “Nicole
Lee” in seasons 2-5.

Yo, there is a primary election today. Be sure to vote. Here's a site that will show you where your polling place is.. One of the measures on the ballot is whether or not Pennsylvania should borrow money for a major environmental initiative.

The Johnny Goodtimes Empire is expanding southward. The winning contestant of the "Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes Contest" will be hosting quizzo weekly at The Dive, a bar located on 947 Passyunk Ave. I tried the Mad Dog 20/20 drink on Friday, by the way. Damn refreshing.

Why was John Sirica named Time Magazine's Man of the Year in 1973?

On Sunday night, a buddy of mine and I decided to play quizzo. We hadn't played since that Sunday night at McCrossen's about a month ago. Rumor was, North Third had quizzo, so we went up there. No dice. So we motored over to Nodding Head to play quizzo with Irish John. Irish John is known for being rather salty, and he certainly didn't disappoint in that regard, regularly inviting various players to go f*** themselves. I'll be honest. I hated the questions. There were no american history questions, no sports questions, no geography questions, and two literature questions, neither of them being classic literature. There was no thinking through any questions to find answers. Every one was very blunt. And to be honest, most of them were questions I could really care less about learning the answer for (i.e. What's the only Honda motorcycle that has a reverse gear?). On the bright side, the jambalaya was excellent, as are their beers. Of the three quizzoes I've tried other than my own, here's how they stack up:
1. Quizzo Pat at New Wave (Monday)
2. Goofy but nice guy at McCrossen's (Sunday)
3. Irish John at Nodding Head (Sunday)

If anybody knows where any other Sunday night quizzoes are, please let me know.

The final four contestants in the Be the Next JGT Contest have to perform standup tonight at Finn McCool's at 12th and Sansom. The show begins at 10:15 p.m.

A lot of people seem to think that because they didn't participate in the first week of the Doc Watson's Big $$$ Bonanza, they are no longer eligible to win. Not true. I will only be counting the top five scores, and the contest lasts eight weeks, so the more you play, the better your odds. But I don't imagine too many teams will be playing all eight weeks, so missing the first week is not that big of a deal. The winner of the contest gets $300, 2nd place gets $150, and 3rd gets $50.

Here's how the judging worked. In addition to myself, I had two unbiased judges (above) who have asked to remain anonymous in order to protect their families. We watched the videos from both weeks, then listed our favorites in order from 1-7, the lower the score, the better. Each person's vote counted 30%. The remaining 10% was determined by the voting on the website. Positions 1 and 2 were fairly unanimous, but positions 3-7 were hotly debated. I'll be perfectly honest. I truly liked everyone who competed, and I think the caliber of contestant definitely went up in the second year of the contest. Here are the final results, in no particular order.

Johnny Goodtimes and the two judges have reached a decision, and a final four have been selected. They will be announced on Sunday, as well as some notes from the judges about each contestant.

The strangest quizzo ever seemed even stranger when it became obvious that the winning team included former pro wrestlers Tully Blanchard and Wahoo McDaniel. FTW, whose members had once been called "pencil necked geeks" by "Classy" Freddie Blassie, hired a little exta muscle to pull off the win. Play was halted in the second round when Blanchard gave an opposing team member a slingshot suplex, but action resumed once it was determined that his shorts did not contain a "foreign object". Here's a pretty interesting interview with Tully, who is now an ordained preacher (No joke).

Something with Cessna was able to finally get off the ground on Thursday night at the Good Dog, taking a lead after round one and never looking back. But their victory was overshadowed by reports that Johnny's cat Malia is very displeased with how the voting for the "Be the Next JGT Contest" is going. "Yeah, she's been even more of a pain in the ass than usual since she started falling in the standings," said her owner, the veritable King of the local quizzo circuit. "Knocking over plants, running roughshod through the house late at night for no discernible reason, that kind of thing. I would harbor to guess that Smooth Dan P. is probably engaged in similar behavior." Johnny denied reports that the sixth place Malia had refused to get off the kitchen table earlier today while he was fixing a sandwich, but this exclusive photo seen only on johnnygoodtimes.com seems to indicate that Johnny is involved in some kind of cover up."

La Salsa Caliente talked about how Jermaine Stewart (below) had changed their lives after winning big at the Sheep on Wednesday. "Before Jermaine Stewart came along, I was just dropping my clothes at the drop of a dime," said Jill Assenmacher. "But that song spoke to me, made me realize that I didn't need to take my clothes off to have a good time, though rumor has it I would need to take my clothes off to have Goodtimes." "Trust me, that's no rumor," added Graham "Don't Stop Believin'" Baird.

Milk money at Locust Rendezvous is no longer safe, as the Broad Street Bullies returned to the schoolyard on Wednesday night, and collected a victory before collecting over $6 in change from frightened schoolchildren. They got $2.50 from Ern alone. "Yeah, and we took it easy on you punks this time," shouted Bruiser Joe Crabtree to the horrified crowd after their 108-104 win over 1022. "Next time nobody leaves until we've got $8." Few in the crowd had forgotten what had happened to Wee Willie Elliot (below) a few months ago when he made fun of the Happy Dance, and this time not a word was said as the Bullies strutted their stuff.

Last night was one that will undoubtedly live in Quizzo infamy. Just wanna take a quick second to send shout outs to the staff at Locust Rendezvous, and to all the people who played gorilla quizzo last night. For those that don't know, here's what happened: I got to the Bards at about 10:15 p.m., only to be greeted by about 300 drunken Penn kids in the midst of their pub crawl oozing out of the bar. "Oh my God," I thought to myself, "Did I get hit by a bus on the way to the Bards and land in hell?" I walked in, saw that my contestants for the BTNJGTC were there, as were a few teams. Everybody wanted to play, but it was obvious it wasn't gonna happen there. So I called the 'Vous, and they came through in the clutch. The Lost Tribe of Times then made a pilgrimage to 15th and Locust. I guess word got out at Bards, and the next thing you know, we had 40 people playing quizzo at the 'Vous. What a night! And both contestants for the contest did a great job under strange circumstances. If you don't know, the 'Vous is just as cheap as McGrinchey's, but the food is better, and the owner is actually a really nice guy, not a psycho who accuses people of drawing on his door. The staff there really came through last night. Good lookin' out! I'll have results and stuff up later. I gotta work on my taxes. In the meantime, check out this pretty kool Star Wars parody for organic food. Really creative.

There will be three contestants going on tonight, possibly for the last time. First cuts are coming this weekend. Here's what those they learned in their first week behind the mic.

Good Dog-Jam Master Sean
I learned several kind of useful things the other
night in my first time as super quizmaster. I showed
up 15 minutes early and Johnny Goodtimes himself was
there. So I learned that I shouldn't always show up
10 minutes late for playing quizzo without a worry of
missing anything. I learned that people seem to give
respect to the man with the microphone instead of
making them earn it. I was expecting a bit more
heckling from the crowd but all I got was "You're no
Johnny Goodtimes", which is kind of weak. But they're
right. I'm not...yet. I found out that people say
"how is anyone suppossed to know that". But then most
of them get the answers right. I found out that if
you're only doing one round, you should pay attention
to team names before you have to try and decipher
them. This may be the most important lesson I learned
that night. And after it was all over, I found out
that O'Neal's makes a mean margarita, the Kid is the
nicest guy around (way nicer than me) and someone else
in this city knows to ask, at certain times, "what
prime are we using". And that's why I like this City.

Bards-Edge and Moose
1. How to Rock tha MIC, like a quizzo master!
2. Something I already knew, but nevertheless, the Black Sheep Burger
makes your toes curl.
3. Not everyone share the same passion for Macgyver as my circle of
friend(s).
4. The main thing I leaned, seriously was how to compose a good quizzo question. Really working off of the answer rather than the question, making sure that the answer is first something that would likely come into peoples minds (especially after a few drinks)!
5. More importantly, for those who haven't read the recent "Tales of
Bobby Badtimes" I have learned that Edge, Johnny, and myself are
targets at "McGrinchy's" and guilt by association runs deep!

What I learned was
that people are really good but sometimes they are
not. When they call out and make fun of you, you are
not suppose to take it seriously or cry. This was not
too much of a problem for me at the Locust Rendezvous,
all the people were very nice and kind.
But there were mean and loud people at the Bard's on
Thursday, but they were only trying to be funny.
Also, it's not easy writing questions because you
probably want people to like you. But the questions
can't be too easy because then the game won't be any
fun.

Pizza Puntang Santa Claus became the second straight team with Puntang in the title to win at Bards, as they came back to defeat The Curse of the Goats (i.e. Western Omelette), 97-93. Meanwhile, the funniest answers in quizzo all week have come in response to the question, "The 'Butcher of Lyon' shares the same name as a popular toy. What is it?" The answer was Klaus Barbie, but I got answers including Heinrich von Slinky, Slap Bracelet, Pet Rock, and Mr. Potato Head. Well, the laughter subsided on Wednesday morning, when Johnny got a package from the FBI marked CONFIDENTIAL and found the following photo inside. Apparently, before becoming a lovable children's plaything, Mr. Potato Head was a sinister leader of the Nazi party, known as the "Spud of Berlin".

Players at O'Neals were probably not surprised on Wednesday when they found out that some guy had flown into White House airspace, because odds are it was the same guy that accidentally flew into O'Neals on Tuesday night. Unlike the frantic scenes at the White House and US Capitol, however, O'Neals was not evacuated, and the game continued, despite the incessant buzzing of the plane's engines. "The pilot seemed to know what he was doing, and I figured we'd just start a panic if I had everyone evacuate, so I just stayed calm and continued on with the game," explained Goodtimes. "I was a little surprised the propellers didn't lop somebody's head off," added Johnny, "But like I said, other than accidentally flying inside the building, I thought the pilot did a real nice job." The Johnny Goodtimes All-Stars certainly kept their heads, coming out on top, while We Love Skip (below) won a lovable pups calendar for finishing last.

The Holy Pontiffs and Six Other Guys came from behind in Round Four to take Week One of the Big $$$ Bonanza and develop an early lead. Even if you did not play in week one, you are definitely eligible to play, as I will only be taking the top five scores in the eight week tournament (which means you really only have to play five times to have a shot of winning). The winner walks with $300, in addition to the normal gift certificate prizes. Second Place gets $150, and third walks with $50. Here are the standings after Week 1.
1st Place-5 points-Holy Pontiffs
2nd Place-4 points-Johnny Makes Me Wanna Lala
3rd Place-3 points-Where's Johnny
4th Place-2 points-The Wanderers
5th place-1 point-Bastard Children of C. Huxtable

Here's what tonight's contestants learned in their first time as Johnny Goodtimes.

I was surprised to discover how many people don't yet know what Quizzo is. My boss asked if it was "that game they play in Harry Potter." I also learned that the owner of Doc Watson's likes his Quizzo hosts good and drunk, and that once a Quizzo host is good and drunk on a Monday night, the rest of the week moves slower than a three-toed sloth. Something else I learned is that, should I win the job, it would behoove me to bring a calculator to add up the score sheets. That Johnny Goodtimes is smarter than he looks. No, really. And his cat is an astonishingly good Quizzo host, at least according to the polls. One practical piece of advice I received is this: Multiple-choice questions make you popular. Finally, I learned on my first week on the job that you can take the Ern out of the 'Vous, but you can't take the 'Vous out of the Ern.

Admittedly, I "misunderestimated" the level of serial killer interest in this town, completely wasting my psychological well-being doing countless hours of research on a certain unmentionable website's "serial killer" section. In addition, everyone who has even a casual rooting interest in the Phillies and knows the significance of the name Joe Carter should also know who Chico Ruiz is. I also learned that if I ever own a bar it would probably be better to go with the Mexican theme rather than the Irish theme. Clearly, the whole Irish thing doesn't pack in the crowds on "Cinco de Mayo." If only there was a similar day that Irish bars could have on which
everyone could pretend that they were Irish and we could pretend that the Irish people have some kind of predisposition toward alcohol. Oh well, if anyone comes up with anything let me know. Finally, it is important to remember that no one likes the smartest kid in the room and that while "droids don't go around tearing people's arms off when they lose," wookies (and the Black Sheep Puntang) have been known to do that.

Although I won't be part of it, there is a really good comedy show going on tonight at the Five Spot. John Kensil and a host of other really funny comedians, including Chip Chantry and Steve Zorbalas, will be taking part in the John Kensil Show. Doors open at 9 p.m. and tix are $8. Also (and this is going to come as news to them) the four contestants who make it past this weekend will have to do two minutes of comedy at next week's open mic at Finn McCool's!

A bunch of us tried out for that gameshow at the casting agency? Well, I finally read about it today in Dan Gross's column. I guess this means we didn't make the cut.
Sixers dancer Krystal Tini is one of the beauties in the pilot episode of "Beauty and the Geek."
Ashton Kutcher and Cherry Hill native J.D. Roth are among producers of the show, which pairs brains and beauties to tutor each other in their strong suits all while competing for prizes.
Tini, 21, a four-year dance-team member, didn't meet Kutcher, but does agree that the actor resembles Sixer Kyle Korver.
Tini will hold a viewing party at her house. She works at a South Philly children's-clothing store.
A few local guys will also appear as geeks on the WB program, which premiers June 1.

The Kid will be on tap tonight at O'Neals. Here's what he learned in his first time as quizmaster:
On Tuesday night May 3, 2005 I had my first crack at hosting the Wild Card for Quizzo. I must say, hosting Quizzo was awesome time! Working as a mortgage broker I tend to do a lot of public speaking, but most of the time the crowd is very quiet and subdued. I also had some stage experience where I had to learn how to deal with very LOUD crowds, but that was a little different then Quizzo. It was a lot of fun meeting everyone at Bards and experiencing what it is like to be on the other side of the microphone. I learned quite a few things for my first time, such as; speak in a loud but clear voice, speak slow but not to slow, try to keep things moving, try not
to get in too many side bar conversations or just wait until the end of the round, HAVE FUN because that is why everyone is there for, and just laugh at the silly outbursts from the crowd. Thank you again Johnny for this opportunity and I look forward to hosting again!!!!!

In a move that has surprised many in the religious community, Jesus Christ has decided to move to West Virginia. Said one local religious leader we spoke to, "Is it a coincidence that Jesus moves to West Virginia two weeks after Kevin Pittsnogle declares himself eligible for the NBA draft? I don't think so."
note: Johnny Goodtimes is not from West Virginia.

Doc Watson's will be starting a quizzo contest tonight, and the winning team will walk with $300. Here's how it will work: Teams will be awarded points according to what place they finish, as follows-
1st place-5 points 2nd place-4 points 3rd place-3 points 4th place-2 points 5th place-1 point. On the 8th week, the point values will all double, allowing teams to come from behind. A team's highest five scores will be tabulated. So in effect, you only have to play 5 times in the next 8 weeks, but the more you play, the better your chances of gaining points. The winner walks with the cash, and 2nd gets $150. In addition, all the normal prizes will still be awarded. Also tonight, there will be $2 drafts at Finn McCool's (12th and Sansom) for open mic.

Pedro Mays will be hosting quizzo tonight at Doc Watson's. Here's what he learned in his first week on the job:
In my all-too-brief moment of glory, the mantle of Goodtimes
greatness draped across my shoulders, I learned that plastic
bottles are a quizmaster's worst enemy because they can be
picked up and thrown at you several times. I learned that
despite the bravado and the loud shirts, a quizmaster is only
as good as the questions in front of him and the music he can
play at the end of a round to distract everyone if the
questions sucked. I learned that most people don't know who
Gordon Lightfoot is, when and where Krakatoa erupted; and I
learned that I am attractive to tables of older women who are
looking for both a younger man to simultaneously nurture and
"educate," at least according to the notes I found in my
jacket after the show. And I also learned that being
quizmaster for a round does not entitle you to get a free
round for everyone in the bar. Unfortunate.

This former naval commander served as Reichsprasident for 20 days after Hitler killed himself?

In what was unquestionably one of the biggest upsets in Quizzo history, Dale L. Guapo and his team of Black Sheep Puntang held off the rest of the field in one of the strangest matches ever. As Guapo continually screamed from the bar and teammate Johnny Fever staggered out the door midway through the contest, the rest of the field seemed unnerved. They could only watch helplessly as Dale, who used to be a cliff diver from Acupolco, and his team of pranksters took a shocking gold. "Es un grande victoria! El mas grande victoria desde la cinco de mayo, 1862," screamed Dale, who then dove off his bar stool and needed to be taken to the hospital with a bruised sombrero.

Sometimes the smallest gesture can make the bigest difference. Stanley Colfax and Debbie Henderson (below) sent fellow workmates Cuando Comi Maiz off to Quizzo with an inpirational banner "I made myself!" gushed Henderson. The team was duly inspired. "For them to make such a pretty banner, I just felt like we owed it to them to win this one," said Sally Hale-Bopp. "She made the banner, but I unfurled it," said Steve, who will never be promoted past mid-management.

I Come For the Fun of It...and Often edged As Dumb As We Look at the Black Sheep, 93-92, on Wednesday night. But they were unable to explain why Johnny attached the photo below to their story. "I've got no clue," said Mike "Max" Maxwell. "Maybe...nevermind, I got no guesses." Added Emma "Slipknot" Kelly, "It really makes no sense. Maybe he thinks it's funny. I just think it's stupid." Added Claude Van Yamme, "Yeah, I think Johnny just jumped the shark."

The Daily Specials, considered by most so called quizzo experts to be the Right Said Fred of the Quizzo world (we mean one hit wonders, not "too sexy for their shirts"), proved that they may have a few more tricks up their collective sleeves. They pulled off their second big win in just over a month at the Vous on Wednesday. Said a fired up team member Alex Polytheist, "This is for all those people who said we couldn't win again." He then fell asleep. "He's a narcoleptic," explained teammate Sally Smothers.

"We're all big Johnny Wadd fans," said Smooth Dan P. of triumphant Defective Sidewalk. "I remember seeing The Danish Connection in the theatre, and saying to myself, 'Wow, that is one heck of a set piece, if you know what I mean.'" Added Chad Chips, "I thought Tell Them Johnny Wadd's Here was the first film that had a plot even bigger than Wadd's prodigious member. Actually, I don't really believe that, but I just love saying, 'prodigious member'."

John Mason felt more heartbreak on Tuesday, as a team of his former friends (Dick's B*****) were able to pull off a victory at O'Neals. The friends, who ran from John when they found out he was such a loser that he would take back that stupid b****, were able to blast past Gimme a Minute in Rund Four. John, meanwhile, went on television to let Dick's B***** know that he would forgive them if they would just come back and be his friends.

The Broad Street Run Disappointed, Not Enough Broads won a tight contest at Doc's on Monday night, knocking off the Y-100 Revolutionary Army, 96-95. As for the lack of broads, most of them dropped out when they found out that Zola Budd would be participating, and they didn't want to risk their health. In other news, Johnny makes a "Zola Budd" reference in a quizzo story.

Do you notice that I'm wearing my army fatigues? Do you want to know why? Because this is WAR! I got so pissed off at McGlinchey's Wednesday night, I just had to write about it, and since that moron Goodtimes is the only person who will pay a talented writer like me what I deserve, I'm putting it right here on his hokie website. I know what you're thinking, "Bobby, people are supposed to be pissed off at McGlincheys!" But you're missing the point. I'm hanging with Moose and Edge after their performance at the Black Sheep last night (I've been hanging out with only black people since white people started flipping their collars up), and the owner of McGlinchey's comes up to me and says, real mean-like, "Don't you ever bring an outside drink into my bar again!"

First of all, a great job by last night's contestants. Krystyna was able to hold her own in a Rendezvous bar that ate contestants for dinner in last year's contest (Just ask Trivia Art, whose "Internet Boom and Bust" Round last year went bust, followed by a loud "boom" sound.) Edge and Moose, meanwhile, were somehow able to be heard above the din that was the Black Sheep, and did so while seeming as kool as...well, a moose. Here's tonight's contestants, explaining why they should be the next JGT. Pedro will be at the Good Dog, and Dan P. will be at the Bards. And yo, don't forget to vote for who you wanna win.

1. I'm short, so I can be crammed into small corners.
2. I train polar bears, "the dolphins of the sea".
3. I can count to 3.
4. I should not be the next Johnny Goodtimes, because
Philly doesn’t need another. This town just ain’t big enough.
What it does need is someone to keep the big ball of trivia
tradition rolling; to keep the Johnny Goodtimes® franchise
vibrant and yes, virile; and to spread the Goodtimes gospel
far and wide, at least as far as Second and South streets. I’m
not going to try and cop Johnny’s game, because I’ve got my
own (although it will be tough not to throw in an oh-ho-ho my
goodness! once in a while). I am only going to ask you what
you look for in a quizmaster, and tell you with confidence
that I can deliver those things. And I am going to tell you
what I think is the most important thing: the quiz itself.
‘Cause you and me are just specks along for a ride on this
crazy place called Earth, brah- and the civilizations to come
will judge us by the quality of our trivia. Or something.
Apart from being professional and being fun, it’s the quality
and originality of the game the quizmaster can provide that
sets the chosen few apart from the rest. I really think that I
can give you a kick-ass game that you’ll have a good time
playing, and I’m pleased to have the opportunity to rock the
mike one night a week wherever fortune takes me. Help me in my
quest to bring better trivia to the people of Philly, and may
the good times never stop.

In 1996 I had the unique pleasure of sitting down and talking with television’s own quizmaster, Alex Trebek*. Though the conversation itself was eminently frustrating, required as I was to pose all of my questions in the form of… well… questions (Trebek can be such a diva), I knew from that point on that I too wanted someday to have a chance to expose the ignorance of others. With nothing but a dream, I left college and bounced from job to job. I had many opportunities to pursue my dream, from teaching - where the requirement to remedy ignorance can be quite bothersome - to roofing - where exposing ignorance goes at best unappreciated and at worst can put one in physical danger at the hands of an axe-swinging madman named Bob. Politics seemed like the perfect fit for a while giving me ample opportunities to speak to voters who didn’t realize that our Constitution wasn’t based on the Bible or who figured the best way to end gun crime would be just to give bigger guns to the “good guys.” Eventually though, I realized that I was spending far too much time battling wits with unarmed individuals over issues that actually matter. With a chance to deal exclusively in trivia, I can live happy and guilt-free knowing that my sarcasm at the casual bar-goer’s lack of knowledge about obscure, British parliamentarians won’t cause permanent emotional scars (dumb kids) or cost my employer an election. Everyday, I learn at least 10 things that I didn’t already know and will probably forget tomorrow. I want a chance to see if everyone else is as dumb as I am.

*Ok, I saw him at a restaurant by which I mean I was out with friends and I saw him on the television. Although, technically, “out” means “in my apartment” and by “with friends” I mean “with my Australian bearded dragon, Grendel.”

Know why you're celebrating tonight.

You'll get to meet tonight's contestants and hear from Bobby Badtimes. (Won't hear from him yet b/c he's running late for Spanish class.)

Thanks to everybody that showed at quizzo last night. O'Neals was packed to the rafters, and even during exam week, the Bards had over 45 people curious about the next JGT. Both contestants (above) did a fine job. Here's a little bit more info about tonight's contestants. Krystyna will be at Locust Rendezvous, and Edge and Moose will be at the Black Sheep.

I should be the next Johnny Goodtimes because of my
love for instructional questioning and understanding
that there are such things as stupid questions! I
also love an audience. Not in that "look at me, I'm
important" kinda way, well, that too, but I have the
ability to communicate, project my words and thoughts,
and tell myself to stop when bad jokes come to mind.
This ability was discovered when I was a teacher.
Trust me, teenagers are a tough crowd, and saying
Bueller? Bueller?? was not as fulfilling as I
thought. I have great people skills and I am
considerate of drunks and floozies - thank you
McGillin's. I am prompt and often dressed
respectably, unless you think a little leg will help.
Frankly, I want the "I was Johnny Goodtimes" on the resume
and I rock. I don't want to take away anyone's glory,
or become the newest Quizzo sensation. I would just like
to give it a whirl.

Every one in the city of Philly should come to 'Moose and Edge's Black Irish Quizzo Extravaganza' (working Title). We are two young and exciting individuals very well aquatinted with the Philadelphia bar scene. We know lots of people just from going out that we could get to come. What's more is that we would be the first team of black guys to host quizzo, that can appeal to all sorts of people, black white, asian, whatever and that we are not total deusch bags like some of the other guys I've seen hosting quizzo around the city. We are not only former champions of Goodtimes Quizzo, but have held quite impressive winning streaks at several others around the city. We would be a great addition to the JGT Quizzo Fam ya heard. Goodtimes Crew be runnin s***. Booooooom Selector. Aiiiight.

Defying odds that he would never in his life leave the state of West Virginia, our boy Kevin Pittsnogle has declared himself eligible for the NBA draft, but has not hired an agent, so he may still return to the Mountaineers. I can't decide if we want him going pro. I mean, I want him to be able to afford to buy his mom a new tractor, but I just don't think he'll get much playing time.

Thanks, everybody, for coming out to Doc's last night. A crowd of over 70 was on hand to see Jenny Goodtimes perform, and she didn't disappoint. Here are tonight's contestants, and the reasons they think they should be the next JGT. Jam Master Sean will be hosting at O'Neals, and the Kid will be at the Bards. Also, keep in mind that the judges will be looking at who you are voting for, so be sure to vote for who you think should advance to the next round.

-I can undoubtedly and consistently show up 5 to 15
minutes past when I'm due. Ask any of my employers or
former employers.
-My voice is extremely deep. True story. Think
Michael Gerald or Calvin Johnson. Don't know them?
Well, you don't know me yet either. I know what
you're thinking, but it doesn't sound sexy. Just
deep.
-Reading and arithmetic haven't posed major problems
for me as of late.
-You won't feel intimidated by my fashion sense or
facial hair. I possess neither.
-One of my friends mentioned how I tend to drink when
I play quizzo. That's when I play. Hosting is a
different story. I will stay sober unless the crowd
sends me drinks. Which you are welcome to do. Just
don't tell the boss about it.
-I'm from the streets.

Being a mortgage broker lets
me meet new people every day in my job and I feel this would be a strong
asset because it has help me developed my people skills. I can be placed in
any type of group of people and find a way to fit in with everyone.
Watching you run Quizzo's on Tuesday nights at O'Neal's has been a great
experience and is something I would love to do! My work schedule allows me
set my own hours (which in turn means I have no problems being there every
Monday), I own a car (this means I will not be late), I have a digital
camera & IPOD (for the pictures of the team winners and for the always
fantastic music that needs to be played), and I am on the internet at work
(this is very import so I can e-mail you the results of the team winners and
pictures of the team). I know if you give me this opportunity to assist you
on Monday nights I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN! Being a very responsible person
has made me very successful in business and intern has made me a very happy
person to be around with. I know how to have a great time and how to make
sure everyone has a great time with me!

Tonight's contestant at Doc Watson's for the "Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes Contest" will be Jenny Goodtimes (no relation). Here is her answer to the question, "Why should you be the next Johnny Goodtimes?"
Top Nine Reasons to Hire Jenny "Goodtimes" Oliver
9. Two words: Cleavage.
8. I have friends, and they will attend.
7. I'm not doing anything else on Monday nights. Ever.
6. I have a hearing problem, so I talk loud.
5. Ern doesn't intimidate me.
4. The Dark Horse is the only bar left that I'm still allowed into.
3. It's time for Philadelphia to have a female Quizzo Master.
2. I ain't too proud to beg.
1. All my life I've been answering questions: "Can I bum a cigarette?" "Which aisle has the Marshmallow Fluff?" "Where's my f****** money?" "Aren't you Margo Kidder?" - Now it's time for me to do the asking.

Cinco de Mayo is the celebration of the Mexican forces of Ignatio Zaragoza over the expeditionary forces of what country in 1862?