April 2005 Archives

The Hulkamaniacs made it onto Piper's Pit on Thursday shortly after winning a close match at the Bards. Their goal was to discount accusations made by "Classy" Freddie Blassie (below) that they were not Hulkamaniacs at all, but simply a collection of "pencil necked geeks". "I prefer pencil necked dorks," replied Thad Lancelot of the Hulkamaniacs. "It doesn't sound quite as negative." At which point Piper hit him over the head with a coconut.

The Big Ass Pie proved to be the least dumb, uh, ahem, I mean the smartest team at the Good Dog on Thursday, winning with a score of 70. The team, which is gearing up to bake another pie for this years' Circleville Pumpkin Show, finished second in last years' big ass pie contest to a team known as the "Circleville Jerks"(below).

In one of the most exciting matches in Quizzo Spectacular history, the Missing Heads came from behind to knock off Quizzo Bowl champs Clover Day Sale, 111-104, to avenge their miserable performance in QBI. Of course, the addition of international megastar Alan Thicke (aka Mike Seaver) didn't hurt, and in fact caused some controversy. "Yeah, of course they did well," said Big Bopper of WTF,"They had Alan Thicke there for the Canada Round." Sparky Dillsnapper of the Heads hinted that this victory was only the tip of the iceberg in his postgame comments. "We're nowhere near the end," said Dillsnapper. "The best is ready to begin." Added Mean Gene Overland,
"As long as we've got each other, we got the world spinnin' right in our hands, baby you and me, we gotta be, the luckiest dreamers who never keep dreaming."

The Clover Day Sale was on a mission on Wednesday. They decided to go Vous to Sheep, back to back, and take 'em both. The first part of their plan worked to perfection. The Sale, which had won Quizzo Bowl, ended 1022's four week stranglehold at the Vous with an impressive win. But their win was overshadowed by news that Johnny's cat Malia was considering a run for Quizmaster. The three year old cat has excellent people skills, and is surprisingly adept on the microphone, considering that the make-up of her vocal cords make it impossible for her to speak English (she does know a few words of Spanish). More news on this as it breaks.

Just wanna send out a quick happy b-day to Melissa (middle of photo), who played at Black Sheep last night, and to Saddam Hussein, former totalitarian leader of Iraq! In honor of their b-days, why don't we relive all the fun we had with Paper Rock Saddam!

Well gang, you're going to be seeing several characters in the next few weeks as they begin their quest to be the next Johnny Goodtimes. Here is an exclusive, inside look at the contestants!

Johnny Sample passed away on Tuesday at a hospital in Philadelphia. He was a hard hitting defensive back on several NFL teams in the 50's and 60's, and played in two of the most famous games ever: the 1958 sudden death game between the Giants and the Colts and Super Bowl III. He decided to make his home in Philadelphia after he retired from football. He also happened to be born just a few miles away from me on Virginia's Eastern Shore. I interviewed him on the sports radio program I hosted a couple of years ago. Here are some highlights from an interesting interview with a guy that played with both Johnny Unitas and Joe Namath.

Justice Delayed pulled off an exciting come from behind victory at the Bards on Tuesday to knock off the Canadian Stripper Shortage, but their joy was short lived. The team, none of whom are big Tom Delay fans, could only look on helpessly as Delay was able to bounce back from being struck by a comet last week. His band, the Hammers, saw their new album "Flying For Free" shoot straight to the top of the charts. Their first single, "You Can't Go Wrong With The Christian Right", is currently a Number 1 smash hit. Delay, who only suffered minor injuries after being hit by that comet, expects to join the band on a tour of the Deep South next month.

The JGT All-Stars won for the third time in the last four weeks at O'Neals on Tuesday night, then used their platform to rail against the phone companies. "Did you know that AT & T produces gay porn, and that MCI just loves child porn?" said Liz Lisbourne. "That's right, AT & T is taking the money you spend to call mom and turning around and using it to videotape crazed homosexuals engaging in unholy acts. If you don't believe me, then just click here and listen to the mp3. I'm just glad Abe Lincoln isn't here to see this, or to act in the gay porn."

Three Ball Tracy edged out the y-100 Revolutionary Army at the Good Doctor's on Monday night, and attributed the win to Twinkies. "In order to celebrate the 75th anniversary of the Twinkie, I've eaten nothing but Twinkies for the past week," said Payday Brickowski. "Fried Twinkies, boiled Twinkies, Twinkie soup, you name it, I've had it. And I think it really paid off. I felt focused and at least a little bit smarter than usual. I highly encourage small children to eat nothing but Twinkies for a week and see how they feel." Brickowski, who said that he prayed for a victory on Sunday at Twinkiehenge (below), then encouraged everyone to check out the following website, in which various scientific experiments were performed on Twinkies.

Man, I wanna go to the Prince and see this thing about whether or not Abe Lincoln was gay. Seriously, it looks pretty interesting. Here's some more info on Honest Abe's swinging bachelorhood.

The Inky has a new column that certainly has me excited. It's a recap of American Idol! There's a niche that certainly hasn't been oversaturated! Man, way to get creative, guys! It's so hard to find info on this cult hit. Thanks for your help! Hey, how about a weekly column chronicling the latest in the Pitt-Aniston relationship? That would be awesome!

Don't know if you saw this, but a Canadian woman forgot the lines to the "Star Spangled banner", then slipped on the ice (might take a few seconds to load). Before you laugh, let's find out if you know the words to her national anthem. What is the final line of O Canada (in English)? By the way, here's another flubbed SSB, the one that Mo Cheeks stepped in on. Mo Cheeks rules.

The following e-mail went out this morning to all of the contestants in the "Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes" Contest:

Thanks for signing up for the "Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes" contest! Your first assignment is simple. Give me a short (one paragraph) bio about yourself and a photo that I can post on the site. Also, write me another paragraph that explains why you should be the next Johnny Goodtimes. This is due by Wednesday. Your second assignment is to come up with a ten question wild card round. Please have that done by Friday. Anyone who does not have the asssignments done on time will be eliminated from the contest. Thank you, and I look forward to hearing from all of you, as does the rest of America.

MJ from the Real World was punched in the face at a bar in West Chester over the weekend. Police said it was unprovoked, which proves that the police never saw Real World Philadelphia. I would be a lot happier if they had punched Landon. Keep in mind that a few weeks ago, MJ said "F*** Philly. I hate Philly." Damnit, now he's going to hate West Chester, too.

Just check out the magic that is possible with a simple web cam...and a dream. While we're at that website, why don't we take a look at a list of children's books that never really took off.

Does ANYONE give a s***? Are you kidding me? A THREE PART SERIES By the Inky about deer in the suburbs!!! I mean, did somebody at a staff meeting go, "Hey, I saw a short piece in the Bumf*** Times about deer in people's yards. Whattya say we go a step further and do a three part series on it?" Elephants rampaging through a restaurant in South Korea? Great news story. Deer loitering in people's yards in Lower Merion? Not so great.

There is a new scourge destroying the minds of America's youth: e-mail. According to a new study, it is much worse for your IQ than smoking the reefer. i would write more, but I just sent out a bunch of e-mails, and now I'm just dying for some Cheetos and ice cream.

It was turn back the clock day at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, as The Missing Heads overcame their old rivals, WTF, in exciting fashion at the Sheep Wednesday night. But would should have been a night to wax nostalgic turned into a night of horrors, as a parliament of owls invaded the bar and attacked the victorious team. "We were just sitting there when all of a sudden this parliament of owls just comes swooping in, destroying everything in its path," said shocked team member Stephen LaMarr Braxton. "I was trying to get them to go away, shouting, 'Back off, parliament,' but that didn't work." Three team members were admitted to the hospital, two for major abrasions, and one for an unrelated scurvy attack. The Owls did over $1.5 million dollars in property damage, and drank three bottles of Courvoisier. Added "Mean" Gene Overland, "I haven't seen a Parliament do this much damage since the Stamp Act."

The Hulkamaniacs apparently said their prayers and took their vitamins, and they needed both to withstand a late charge from Yankees Suck. After the victory, the Hulkster ripped off his shirt and performed a deadly atomic leg drop on Johnny. The ass kicking was especially humiliating for Goodtimes, who had been trying to impress the smoking hot babes that were there (below). "Yeah, it's hard to impress the foxes when a three hundred pound man drops his leg flush across the front of your face as you lie prone on the ground. It also doesn't help when you refer to them as 'foxes'."

The Gert Jonnys pulled off a comeback for the ages, coming back from 17 down going into Round Four to knock off a La Salsa Caliente team that looked like they had it wrapped up going into the final round. It was the second time in a month a team had come back from 17 down in the final round to win at the Dog. The Jonnys claimed that they would have done better in the early rounds if they hadn't been so busy fighting off groupies. "That's the hard part of being in a boy band," said lead singer Gert Hogswell. "It's so hard to concentrate when the groupies won't leave you alone." Gert then announced that he will be hosting a Yard Sale on Saturday at Ninth and Pine, even though there is supposed to be a major thunderstorm.

1022, fresh off their 4th consecutive win at the Rendezvous, having come from behind in round four to defeat a struggling Yo! Ern team, announced that they will be hosting an anti-earth day celebration on Saturday. "We've had enough of these hippy do-gooders and all their fancy parties (below)," said Chauncey Locklear. "And I'm sick of all this talk about 'Earth this' and 'Earth that'. I think the Earth blows. If you think so too, then just apply your Aqua Net, hop in your Hummer and head over. We're going to have a giant plastic bonfire and barbecue some eagle."

I'm sure there is a simple mathematical explanation for how this works, but I sure haven't figured it out. Mind reading online.

On this day in 1918, the Red Baron was finally shot down. But the identity of his killer has been the subject of much debate. Here is a page that explores the controversy. Pretty interesting.

Alright, gang, time is running out to sign up to be the next Johnny Goodtimes. You must send me an email by Friday if you are interested. I have had lots of people express interest, but thus far only six have officially signed up. If you do not see your name here, it means that I have not received an e-mail from you expressing your interest.
Pete M.
Jen O.
Marvin S.
Robert S.
Dan P.
Shawn R.
If you are unaware, the "Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes" Contest is being held throughout the month of May to determine who will be in charge of quizzo at the Dark Horse (421 South 2nd Street) throughout the summer. The winner gets $50 a gig and the invaluable resume-builder that comes with working for an outfit as universally respected as Johnny Goodtimes, Amalgamated.

The Peanut Butter Bumpers, led by the newly elected Pope Benedict XVI, rolled to victory over the JGT All-Stars at O'Neals on Tuesday night. While roughly 40 people were inside O'Neals playing quizzo, a crowd of over two million hung around just outside on 3rd Street, awaiting to hear whether or not the Bumpers had won. The crowd cheered vociferously when the results were announced via smoke signals, then savagely beat several members of the team that called itself Heil Pontiff.

Josh, Where's Your Car won at the Good Doctor's on Monday night, but their joy was short-lived, as Josh's car was found Tuesday morning-at the bottom of the Delaware river! Attempts to salvage the car from the river were nothing short of disastrous, as these photos can attest.

The F'ers used a perfect final round to come from behind and defeat the Omelette at the Bards on Tuesday night, 108-97. Their elation was short lived, however, as soon after the contest they learned that their hero Tom Delay had been struck by a meteor, and was in serious condition in a nearby hospital. "The timing was all wrong" said Whippy Carmichael of the F'ers. "We were going to help him overthrow the Supreme Court, and then help him beat this bogus ethics charge, perpetuated by the left wing syndicate and, as Tom once called them, the Communist News Network (CNN). And then he had to go and get hit by that damn meteor."

The cliche "heads will roll" comes to us from Hitler? In 1930, he said that if the Nazi movement was victorious, their would be a tribunal to punish those who offered Germany's surrender in WWI. "Then decapitated heads will roll in the sand." (This from the Dictionary of Cliches, of which I am a proud owner.) Oh, and here's a funny short music video featuring Hitler.

The big question as we prepare for our new pope is this: what will be his stand on breakdancing? We all know how our boy Johnny Paul felt about it. He loved it, and here's the video to prove it. And here's a decent pope joke.

Did you know that MJ was the star of his own video game?. In this game, which was released in the late 1980's by Sega, Michael rescues kidnapped children. In the updated version, parents rescue their kidnapped children from Michael. If you wanna play a sketchy MJ game, click here. Use your mouse to catch kids who are trying to escape from Neverland. Here's a questionnaire where you find out what kind of Michael Jackson you are: I'm a smooth criminal. In this game, you rescue kids from kidnappers. Similar to the original video game. If it doesn't come on, just click on Jumpin' Jacko on the left side of the screen.

I tried a new quizzo on Sunday night, as Trivia Art and myself made the trek up to the art museum area to try it out at McCrossen's Tavern. It was the first time I'd ever been there, and it was a pretty nice place. The wings were good. The quizzo was, well, it gets mixed reviews.

Saturday night's comedy show at Fergies was a tremendous success, as the place was packed for a terrific show. The only quizzo team that showed up for the free event, Spiro Agnew Got a Raw Deal, was rewarded handsomely as Johnny announced that they will get Four Bonus Points in quizzo as a reward for supporting his comedy career.

April 19th is thought of as a holiday by many people because Dr. Albert Hoffman took LSD intentionally for the first time. What is this holiday known as?

This website tells us that abstinence is ok. Actually, no it doesn't, but it's pretty funny. (And a warning: there are no dirty pics, but the writing is a bit tawdry for the faint of heart.)

The Yankees Suck got a surprising ally this week, as George Steinbrenner agreed with them. Of course, the Yankees Suck were not making allies with the JGT Ethics Committee. In what was seen as a direct affront to the missive the Committee sent out earlier in the week concerning collars, the Yankees Suck waited until the game was over before flipping up their collars. The Committee was not amused. "I've got chunks of guys like them in my stool," said Committee member Fritz Harddrive. In an unrelated story, Dead F****** Last finished dead F****** last (below).

The Arrogant Bastards were victorious at the Good Dog on Thursday night, crushing the competition. Said Louise Sharpie after the match, "We just wanted to dedicate this win to Tiny Tim, who would have turned 73 this week if he were still alive." At which point Chuck "Charles" Spagnola replied, "What, you didn't hear? Tiny Tim is still alive. He's in Argentina recording an album with 2Pac."

1022 won for the third straight week at the 'Vous, holding off a Yo! Ern team that went 0-10 in the diva round. "That was totally bogus, Johnny," said Sue Stephanopolous of Yo! Ern. "They must have known that the 50/50 was going to be a divas round. Why else would they have invited Mary J. Blige?"

The Drummonds, a team of crazed Conrad Bain fans (below), eeked out a victory over Ron Mexico Gives It to Ya Raw, 93-91 at the Black Sheep on Wednesday. "Yeah, we just wanted to win one for ol' Mr. Drummond," said Harvey Bucknkuckle of the Drummonds. "I for one haven't been the same since he died." When informed that Bain wasn't dead, Bucknuckle screamed, "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go take him out!"

The Western Omelette was able to pull off an impressive win at the Bards on Tuesday night, despite White Wilt being hounded by the press over charges that he had graffitied former President Andy Johnson's house with notes such as, "Andy you'd best skedaddle". "First of all, I was only 12 when the Civil War ended," answered Wilt to the charges. "Second of all, I would never perform such a hateful act against a fellow Republican. And finally, I would never use a word as vulgar as 'skedaddle'."

The Johnny Goodtimes All-Stars were able to win for the second straight week at O'Neals on Tuesday, but their inspirational win had to take a backseat to Johnny's other cat, Popiko. Infuriated by what he saw as a major slight last week when his sister Malia hit the front pages, Popiko fired his agent Mr. Fluffles and signed with Drew Rosenhaus. Goodtimes was not pleased. "I've been feeding him and cleaning up his poop for over three years, and this is the thanks I get? A list of written demands from Rosenhaus, including a new toy squeaky mouse filled with catnip and an appearance on my website? This is an outrage."

With a perfect score heading into round four, When Johnny Lies, the Baby Jesus Cries became the latest squad to miss perfection by only one question. The question, "Who was writing the Mystery of Edwin Drood when he died?" proved to be their undoing. The correct answer was Charles Dickens. "Damnit! We should have been able to pull Dickens out of our ass," said Pierre Butterworth of When Johnny Lies, who still blew away the competition.

It's at Fergies (12th and Sansom) at 9 p.m.You best be there, fool.

Dunno if you guys saw this one on CNN.com today about the baby wholphin being born. The funny thing is, if I had taken that dolphin job last summer, this is probably be where I would be working now. The guy quoted in the article, Renato Lenzi, is a good friend of mine and is the guy that tried to hire me last summer. (Ain't I hot s***?)

Actually, the anniversary was this morning. The ship hit the iceberg at 11:40 p.m. the night before, but didn't get swallowed by the waves until almost two hours later. One of the biggest "What ifs" in world history has always been what would have happened had the cargo ship Californian, which was only a few miles away, come to the Titanic's aid. Here's a good article on that. Now, I know what you're thinking. "I wanna see the movie Titanic, but I only have 30 seconds, not three hours. Also, wouldn't it be kool if the characters were bunnies?" Well, you've come to the right website. Finally, do you think Titanic was the worst movie ever? Let me know by responding to my answer on the message board or by voting below.

It was on this very day, 140 years ago, that Abraham Lincoln was shot by John Wilkes Booth, who in my mind is one of the most fascinating, albeit undoubtedly evil, people in American history. For example, did you know that he was an extremely famous actor, and that his brother Edward is considered the greatest American Shakespearean actor of the 19th century? In fact, Lincoln had actually seen JW Booth perform a few years before the assassination. There's some interesting info in this article. And here's another one that will tell you more about the conspiracy (Lincoln was not the only mnember of the government attacked that day). Hmmmmm, I wonder if Lincoln might show up in a wild card round soon.

Dunno if you saw this in the paper today, but it's pretty great. The cops busted down a door when they heard someone crying "Help me! Help me!" Turns out it was a parrot.

After months of pathetic slacking by Goodtimes, he has finally posted teams in the 100 point club. Since his record keeping is, ahem, questionable, there are probably a couple of teams missing. If your team scored 100 and won or went to overtime, please contact Johnny and let him know, so he can add you to the list. Thanks for your patience.

Mike Tyson is going to fight in Washington, DC in a couple of months. And to honor this exciting moment, I have decided to include my all time favorite Mike Tyson quotes. Click below.

Here's a collection of some of the stupidest things ever said that I'm fairly sure you're going to enjoy.

Happy Birthday to Nicole (front, center) of As Dumb As We Look! If you got a birthday coming up, just let Johnny know so he can take a pic for the site.

The Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee, alarmed by what it saw at Rittenhouse Square over the weekend, reached a controversial decision on Tuesday, outlawing upturned collars at all Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Events. "We just can't have a hallowed event such as quizzo compromised by a bunch of toolbags who, for whatever reason, want to look like 16 year old Main Liners," said Committee member Sparky Beefcake. "Therefore we felt a need to implement this policy." Offending players will be given one warning. If the collar remains in an upright position after the warning, the team will lose one point for each round the player carries on with this hoser fashion. They will lose an additional point if the shirt is pastel. Finally, if a player wears two shirts with the collars up, as was seen at the Park on Sunday, said player will be beaten with a metal chair.

One of the recent questions was about disco demolition night, perhaps the most ill-fated promotion in the history of sport. Here's a really good article on the event.

Well, I made my first descent into the disaster that is the annual Philly Film Festival last night. The collection of short films I saw was called "The Philadelphia Experimental". I thought that perhaps a more apt title would have been "The Philadelphia Sucksperimental". Apparently, by it's very definition, an experimental film is one that is absolutely awful. There was one, called "Lovebirds in Hell", that looked like something my sister might have done when she was 13, if she had possessed a smaller brain and absolutely no sense of creativity. It was these two girls smoking a cigarette, looking forlorn, and then one of them goes to a corner and begins pouting. "Yibadee, yibadee, yibadee, uh, That's all Folks!" Then there was one in which a bike messenger rides on a carless street, and a sign comes up, saying "Imagine a world with no cars". Yeah, well if there were no cars, there would be no road for the stupid bike messenger to ride on! I felt like I was watching a bad Mitsubishi commercial. Then, there was one in which a bunch of asian women are swimming in a pool. About halfway through this film, I found myself staring at the exit sign on the door, because it was infinitely more interesting than what was on the screen. Oh, and apparently this film was supposed to represent French colonialism. Could someone take the pseudo intellectual who came up with this bulls*** outside and beat the living s*** out of him? Thanks.

The Doors hit "Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar)" was actually a cover of a song sung in a 1930 opera entitled The Rise and Fall of the city of Mahogany that was initially performed in what country?

RIP Mitch Hedberg edged past the Stupid Sexy Flanders at the Bards on Thursday night. That's my cat Malia right below them. Isn't she so adorable? Sometimes she climbs up the bars on the window in the den. It's so..."Hey Johnny, what about our big win? Aren't you going to talk more about that?"...Why, right now, she's curled up in a little ball on my lap. Sooooo cute..."I mean, come on, 105 points, for goodness sakes, you could at least mention"...But she can be a real troublemaker. We used to have a real problem with her going through the trash. But I was able..."Damnit, Goodtimes, nobody gives a damn about your stupid cat! This was supposed to be a story glorifying us for our"...Did you just call my cat stupid?..."Sorry Johnny, I just"...Did you just call my cat stupid?..."Listen Johnny, it was a simple mistake. Hey, what are you doing with that? No, listen it was an...arrrrrrrgh!"

Lying in State, after winning at the Good Dog on Thursday, thought it could impress women by speaking poorly of the Inquirer's recent story on Delilah's. "I mean with a war going on, isn't it just ridiculous that a major metropolitan newspaper would do a story about the local strip club?" said Randolph Chichi, loud enough so that nearby women could hear him . "Besides," added Tony Dakota in an unnaturally loud voice, "Why should the paper endorse the exploitation of women? I would never read that sort of garbage." After recognizing that their comments were getting them nowhere, Randolph and Tony stormed out and headed to Signatures.

Hubris, led by Thomas Hunter (far right), escaped with a big win at the Sheep on Wednesday. Of course, Hunter's week would go down hill from there, as just days later he was arrested after he stole a case of brandy in Buffalo. He was busted after he dropped the case of brandy on the sidewalk, then returned minutes later to try to suck it up off the ground with a straw. "Yeah, ol' Tommy's a hell of a quizzo player," said teammate Stockton Drawbridge, "But he's no criminal mastermind."

1022 won for the second straight week at Locust Rendezvous on Wednesday night, coming from behind to knock off the Jams in overtime. Johnny forgot to take a photo, but what the hell, if you wanna see a picture of these guys, click here. Also on Wednesday, my mom met this crazy guy at the park and talked to him for like a half-hour. He went into this big spiel about how God is the root to our tree. Things got all serious, and then he says, "'Cause if you don't have roots, you don't have toots," and broke into hysterical laughter. Man, I love this town.

The Goats, after a convincing win at the Bards on Tuesday night, announced that they had signed on with a new sponsor, Andy's Coin Operated Laundry at 22nd and South. Though exact financial figures were not disclosed, the deal was believed to be somewhere in the 5 year, $40 million range. "We're real excited to be working with a first class organization like Andy's Laundromat," said Rob "The Throb" Mientkowitz. "It's a great place to wash clothes and watch Judge Judy." Sodas at Andy's are only fifty cents.

The Johnny Goodtimes All-Stars were able to pull off a convincing win at O'Neals on Tuesday night, but the gals that finished last might have come away as the real winners. They were the recipients of the movie "London Calling" starring Mary Kate and Ashley! Here's a review of the movie from the JGT movie critic, Apollo Newhart:
If London's Calling, I'm answering! This movie may have gone straight to video, but it also went straight to my heart! Don't Stop Believin', gals! A+! Toootally rad! Mary Kate looked a touch coked out midway through the second act, but I felt like it gave her character even more energy! Make that an A++!
xoxoxo-Apollo N.

Are you kidding me? The Cookie Monster being forced to advocate healthy foods because kids have gotten so fat? No, it's not the parents fault for taking them to McDonald's three times a day. It's the Cookie Monsters fault for loving cookies. Well, you make Cookie Monster very angry. "C" is for "Crime of Passion."

Well, gang, here's your chance to make your dreams of glory and wealth a reality! Johnny Goodtimes is looking to franchise, and needs someone to host quizzo once a week on Mondays at the Dark Horse through the summer. However, Johnny cannot simply give away this prestigious position. You must show that you are mentally and physically prepared for such a demanding role. If you win, the next thing you know, you'll be hanging out with cute gals in the stairwell of Good Dog. Or if you're a female, there's always the chance of a (gasp!) office romance with your boss! Not only that, but this is a paid position. $50 a week for two hours of work. $25 an hour ain't bad. If you are interested, just click on "Contact Johnny" and send him an e-mail. The deadline to let me know you're interested is April 22nd.

Hunter S. Thompson is getting his wish: his remains will be shot out of a giant cannon! Also, I will be getting my wish: I will be shooting Celine Dion with a giant cannon!

Hey gang, Johnny Cash is playing at Fergies's (12th and Sansom) tonight at 10 pm.

Proving once again that he has a mind much larger than a mere mortal, Johnny Goodtimes won his own freaking contest over 25 other people to claim the World Heavyweight basketball bracket title. Here's the final standings. However, since he is barred from winning the prizes by the good people at Price Waterhouse, the awards will go as follows:

1st place-Brian Leidy wins dinner and a show of his choice at World Cafe Live.
2nd place-Joseph Hung wins a $40 gift certificate to Black Sheep
3rd place-Jake Neff wins a $25 gift certificate to O'Neals

There was actually a tie for third, but Graham "Don't Stop Believin'" Baird failed to enter a point total for a tie breaker, and thus forfeited to Jake Neff. T.J. Gillespie put on quite a show, scoring less than half as many points as Goodtimes, and not having a single correct team in the Final Four. Want to say "Thank you" to everyone who played and I look forward to kicking your asses again next year.

This former Yankee scored the first run in Washington Nationals history.

Here's the process that follows the death of a pope, from the smashing of his ring to "Habemus Papum". Pretty interesting routine. And here's an oldie but goodie: a story I did last April Fool's Day about the popemobile.

With the championship game tommorrow, I'll be watching the best sports movie ever made, Hoosiers, tonight. Here's the differences between the movie and the real life team it was based on.

The Yankees Suck was able to win at the Bards on Thursday night for the second straight week, with some help from the Expos Robot. "Yeah, it was nice having a robot on the team, and he seemed like a real kool one," said Brett "The Barber" Beefcake. "But when he asked us how we thought the Expos were going to do this year, well, we just all got quiet and looked away. I don't think he knows about the Nationals."

Dr. Know was able to post a remarkable come from behind victory at the Good Dog on Thursday, coming from 17 back in the final round to take the win. The team was apparently inspired by Honey Ryder, who showed up just before the final round. Though Goodtimes had her quickly escorted from the arena ("I'm trying to maintain a family atmosphere here, and the next thing you know I've got a half naked Bond girl on my hands," said the flummoxed quizmaster), Dr. Know played like a team possessed after her appearance, and cruised in Round Four. Added a disgusted Goodtimes after the match, "I'm just glad Frank Perdue wasn't alive to see this display."

If the Tumor Won't Abate, You Must Cremate won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, but their team name, inspired by the deceased Johnnie Cochrane, apparently brought them some bad kharma. Only moments after securing a victory, team member Frank Perdue (far left) dropped to the ground, stone dead. "The team name was his idea," said Larry Stallworth. "We think that next week we might call ourselves, 'If the Heart Stops Tickin', Ain't No More Chicken.'

1022 caught fire in round four at Locust on Wednesday night to knock off the Jams and Yo! Ern, but their celebration was tempered when they found out that rapper C-Murder would not be receiving a new trial. "We've been C-Murder fans ever since we were children," said team member T-Shoplifter. "Yeah, we love the C," added G-Loiterer. "I don't care how long he goes away. He'll always be in our heart, and in our extended posse."

The Defective Sidewalk knocked off the Goats in a double overtime thriller at the Bards on Tuesday, then used their fame to advance a public cause they believe very strongly in. "There are defective sidewalks throughout the Des Moines city limits, and their website apparently gets more hits than Johnny's, according to google. So this is obviously an urgent problem. Please send money, spackle, concrete, whatever you can to help solve this ongoing threat. Thank you."

The Peanut Butter Bumpers found themselves in the midst of a fiery debate shortly after pulling off a narrow victory at O'Neals on Tuesday. The Pittsburgh natives, who held up a Heinz bottle shortly after their win, were insulted when an angered patron shouted, "Hey, it's spelled wrong on the bottle! IT should be spelled with a 'c', just like the world's largest catsup bottle in Collinsville, Illinois!" The Steel City natives retorted, "No, it should be spelled with a 'k', just like in this strange spanish Heinz ad in which three hot chicks have their hands all over each other!" Well, at least there was one thing everyone could agree on; ketchup/catsup is a vegetable.

Remember how I used to hate McGillan's Olde Ale House, because they kicked me out on New Year's Day? Well, now I got a new beef. I went to McGillan's on Wednesday for karaoke. I had hoped to do "Flashdance...What a Feeling" because I rock that song. But a bum ankle made the accompanying dance number all but impossible. So I just watched. Ok, here's the part where I start to get pissed. Some chick goes up there and does the Celine Dion song from Titanic. As if that wasn't bad enough, a bunch of people in the crowd, instead of being disgusted and throwing silverware at her, starts singing along. EVEN A BLACK GUY! I don't know about you, but I've kind of put black people up on a pedestal of koolness. Well, that all came crashing down. As did my opposition to the death penalty, because every single person who sings along to Celine Dion should be executed. It will greatly enhance the gene pool.