March 2005 Archives

It's vital for our president to have these town hall forums, because it gives all Americans a chance to debate important issues, as long as they agree with EVERY one of his policies. Also, if you're driving in Florida, beware of crazed Democrats.

I have combed through all of those porn titles and come up with the best 25, because there are some dandies, but the list is kind of long. Just click below for the best ones. That's a palm tree in the photo, by the way.

I got this email this morning: Johnny Cash... Dead. Johnny Carson... Dead. Johnnie Cochran...Dead. It is only a matter of time, Goodtimes.

A fraternity at California State University is in big trouble because they let a professional adult film maker shoot a hardcore porn during a toga party. Also, check out Pimp Daddy Swank's list of Great porn movie titles. There are some real gems, such as "Ben-Hur Over", "A League of Their Moan", and "Das Booty."

Johnny will be one of several comedians appearing on on Saturday, April 16th at Fergies Pub (12th and Sansom)! More details will be forthcoming in the near future.

In a devastasting blow to Johnny's Quizzo Empire, he is now facing heat from former "Survivor" contestant Gervase, who will be hosting Reality Show Quizzo at Finn McCool's (12th and Sansom) on Wednesday. (By the way, you can see Johnny at Finn's every Monday at 10 p.m., hosting comedy open mic.) Also, MJ from Real World said that he hates Philly, which leads to an argument I had with a friend of mine a while back: should Philly have treated the Real World cast like the whiny glory hogs they are, or should we have treated them well, so young people would want to move to the city? He said that the city needs young people, and that by confirming our reputation as a bunch of rude degenerates, we were going to keep them away. I said that anybody who wants to move to Philly because MJ lived here should be stabbed in the neck with a pencil, and I'd rather not have them here. What do you think?

It is on this cold, rainy Monday that I come to bring you the bad news: We are absolutely miserable. We were voted by Men's Health (the same clowns who voted us second fattest) to be the most depressed city in America. By the way, after doing a little research, I found that Laredo, Texas, voted Least Depressed, also ranked third in Dumbest Cities in America. I'd rather be smart and miserable than stupid and happy. I would write more, but I just don't feel like it. This survey has made me too depressed.

Known as the "Girl With the Curl" and "America's Sweetheart", this actress was the first female to ever make more than a million dollars a year acting.

First of all, no they're not. Secondly, why concentrate on a victory by a group of, let's face it, rather unattractive men (okay, and one hot chick), when we can instead focus on the hot chicks who finished last? Team Hocker was overjoyed by their prize: a hot Backstreet Boys poster. "Let's put it this way," said Shannon Grataz, "I won't be falling asleep at a Backstreet Boys concert, no matter how jet lagged I am. A.J. is so dreamy!" She went on to say that she wouldn't make out with Goodtimes, even if he was in the band.

The Rocket Scientists pulled off an impressive win at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, but more importantly, brought to mind a pretty funny Far Side (below). "I think we won because we were able to play without Eric Fontleroy, aka 'Dead Weight'," said team member Rick Schmitz. "That's off the record, of course, Johnny. I know you won't post that comment on the website. You've got too much journalistic integrity." The Missing Heads, looking much smaller after last weeks steroid controversy, fell to pieces without illegal supplements, missing the final three and snatching defeat from the claws of victory.

When Goliath looked and saw David, he disdained him; for he was but a youth, and ruddy, with a handsome appearance. And the Philistine said to David, “Am I a dog, that you come to me with sticks?” And the Philistine cursed David by his gods. The Philistine also said to David, “Come to me, and I will give your flesh to the birds of the sky and the beasts of the field.”
Then it happened when the Philistine rose and came and drew near to meet David, that David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet the Philistine. And David put his hand into his bag and took from it a stone and slung it, and struck the Philistine on his forehead. And the stone sank into his forehead, so that he fell on his face to the ground. Thus David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone, and he struck the Philistine and killed him; but there was no sword in David's hand.

The prize for winning quizzo on Tuesday at the Bards was a dream vacation to Las Vegas, where the winning team would get to see Celine Dion perform! The Defective Sidewalk, Dion fans all, were overjoyed at their win, and excited about their trip. "Yeah, we were psyced to finally see her live," said Natalie Bilgepump. "But when we got to Vegas, I don't know, I guess we were jet lagged or drunk or something, because we all fell fast asleep at Celine's show." Added Chuck "Charles" Crabtree, "It wasn't that embarrasing. I mean, everybody around us was asleep, too. I'm sure they all had jet lag, too. They certainly weren't sleeping because Celine Dion is a talentless, worthless piece of dogs---." Crabtree added that he was glad that Dion has never been hit by a bus.

Pee-wee: "Where's the basement?"
Jan Hooks: "Excuse me?"
Pee-wee: "Aren't we going to see the basement?"
Hooks: "Tee hee! There's no basement at Doc Watson's! Hee hee hee!"
The following is from a Miami Herald story written last year:
Younger people may be more familiar with "Pee Wee's Big Adventure," in which the goofy man-child in the too-small suit embarks on a cross-country odyssey to the Alamo to retrieve his lost bicycle from its basement. Once here, he gets the bad news: "There's no basement in the Alamo!"
David Stewart, the Alamo's director, says he hears the Pee Wee question all the time, and that by now he can tell when someone is about to bring it up again.
"They get this little smile on their face and say 'You know what I'm going to ask,'" he said. "And I always say, 'No, we don't have a basement.'"

The team that won on Thursday night at Good Dog, Wasting Away With the Schiavos, ain't got no class. They also ain't got no photo, since Johnny forgot to bring his memory card. But trust me, they look a lot like the people above.

Watching the game on a TV in the press area, the coach of the Carolina cheerleading squad remarked off the cuff to a group of reporters, "I'd root for Iraq against Duke." -espn.com

This game has properties similar to crack. It's a game we used to play on the pet computers at my elementary school: Lemonade Stand.

Wanna marry your first cousin, but don't know where it's legal? Well, here's the info you've been looking for. While it's illegal here in Philly, all you have to do is drive across the bridge to make it happen. And in their biggest shocker since beating Wake Forest, West Virginia does not allow cousing marriages. Here's some more facts about marrying your cousin. For example, did you know that Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein both married their first cousins?

Happy Birthday to Kate who played last night at the Black Sheep (she's on the right in the photo.) If you have a birthday coming up, please let Johnny know so he can get your pic on the website. Here's some great unintentional (?) video game sex. The first one is best, as it shows a boxing game from the 80s. Speaking of boxing, I had another hypothetical thrown at me yesterday. Who would win in a fight: Mike Tyson in the 1980s or a large alpha orangutan? While an orangutan would tear you or I limb from limb, I think Mike might be evasive enough to handle him, and it only took like three blows from Tyson to floor an opponent. I can't imagine the orangutan having an answer for several blows to the face. I take Tyson.

This is just a brilliant and hilarious piece of writing on craigslist.

Here's a pretty funny hypothetical thread. How many five year olds could you take out in a fight? I'm thinking i could take out most of them with one punch. I guess exhaustion would be my main problem. As wave after wave of them came after me, and no break, I would finally falter after the first 25, I think.

Ever seen the Easter Bunny rap? Here's your chance. This is hilarious. Thanks to White Wilt for the link.

A team has discovered that an eight foot, 800 pound hogzilla was indeed real. Yeah, no kidding. I hooked up with her on Spring Break '97.

The War on Steroids moved from Capitol Hill to 17th and Lattimer on Wednesday night, as "Mean" Gene McSweeney (second from right) was subpoenaed shortly after the Missing Heads won, and will testify on Capitol Hill next week. "What? What about Thad Nuclei (middle of photo)? Why aren't they grilling him?" asked Gene. Nuclei, who wrote the book "Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant Roids, Bad Questions, and How Quizzo Got Big," was not subpoenaed, with Congress explaining that they didn't want to turn this into a circus. In his book, Nuclei claims that Gene turned him onto performance enhancing drugs.

What handicap does legendary guitarist Arthel "Doc" Watson have?

The Jams were able to use a little chicanery to pull off a victory at the Rendezvous on St. Patties Eve. Led by a mysterious leprechaun, the team easily, almost magically, defeated the opposition. "Yeah, the leprechaun said he had to get going right after the game to leave presents for all the little Irish lads and lasses," said team member Franz Hillstroker. Added Annie O'Lannie, "I'm not completely sure if he was a leprechaun or just a psychopath who had painted his face green."

Quizzo at Doc Watson's will be suspended indefinitely, as Doc's is now closed indefinitely. I will probably be picking up a new Monday night quizzo within the next couple of weeks. We had a good crowd at Doc's and I hope we can keep it going elsewhere. Please check back to find out where it's going to be going on.

The only real drama heading into Rund Four was whether or not the Western Omelette was going to be able to pull off a perfect score. They had a 64 and no-one was really even close. But in the most dramatic choke since the infamous WTF Hindenberg disaster at the Black Sheep in 2004, they allowed the F'ers to come from 11 down in the final round to take the victory, to the delight of the partisan crowd. Then, when googling choke, Johnny came across the most disturbing non-porn website he has ever encountered, as two very strange looking men wrestle each other in somebody's den while wearing speedos. WARNING: Viewing this website will plant images in your mind you'll wish were never there.

The Johnny Goodtimes All-Stars were able to win at O'Nelas on Tuesday night, edging out a surprising Dysfunktional Alkaholiks team. But research into the All-Stars past turned up murky, as Johnny found this comic book, ostensibly inspiration for the team name, while looking under one of the team member's beds. (By playing JGT Quizzo, you are in effect giving Johnny the OK to break into your home and rifle through your personal effects.) I'm not sure what to make of this comic, but it really creeps me out.

Take Off My Pants and Jacket probably thought they could get away with naming themselves after a Blink 182 album and not being trashed on the website. Wrong! Not only does Blink 182 totally blow, but one of the guys in the band asked my ex-girlfriend to the prom when they were in high school together in San Diego. No s***! She turned him down. It's not her fault. Women have smaller hearts than men.

Fate is a lot like the date I had three weeks ago: Sweet at first, but turns out to be a real bitch. After a 16-0 start, I picked ODU to go the Sweet Sixteen, had Kansas vs. Charlotte in a Sweet 16 game (they both got eliminated yesterday), and my Syracuse bracket looks like a Dysfunktional Alkaholiks quizzo scoresheet-x's everywhere. I am hopelessly addicted to this tournament, watching for 24 hours in the past two days. Pathetic, but true. I even had a beer yesterday while watching, bravely ignoring the ulcer that has wracked my body for the past two weeks (don't tell my doctor). Well, if you're looking to waste soem time today, how about a little Space Invaders?

Aw, man, St. Patties Day is over, you've got a splitting headache, and worse yet, no excuse to party tonight. Fortunately for you, there's me. And I have discovered that today is the 1968th anniversary of Caligula being named emperor. So go enjoy untold levels of debauchery tonight in honor of one of the most sick and twisted leaders ever! Or was he? Some people feel that he has received a bum rap.

What the hell is up with me lately? Why all these political stories. This one is pretty good. An Inquirer columnist calling city council "stupid".

Are you kidding me? 16-0 in the first day in my brackets? Here's the top five after day 1.
1. Me 16-0
2. Jake Neff 15-1
3. Frank Domizio 14-2
4. Graham Baird 14-2
5. Christie Crawford 13-3
5. Janice Heinold 13-3
5. Steve Buckingham 13-3

Arlen Specter has decided to side with the oil companies, and has voted for drilling in the Alaskan National Park. Here is his defense of that vote. Here's a good article on the vote to destroy part of this national park.

Here's some pretty kool facts about St. Patrick's Day I think you might enjoy. For example, did you know that green was considered an unlucky color for a long time?

There will be no quizzo tonight, due to the holiday. Also, hurry up and get your picks in if you haven't already! You've got until 11 o'clock.

After a hearty debate over Bush's environmental record and global warming (see comments under previous story), I decided to try to find a comprehensive, unbiased article about global warming. I think I've found one. And speaking of global warming, the hottie in the middle of the above photo owes me $1. The word "cuss" may be slang for curse, but it's still in the Oxford English Dictionary. Please make that out to me in a personal check. Thanks a million.

There will be a vote tommorrow to decide whether or not to allow drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, which George Bush has been actively pursuing for a long time. Here is an article on the proposed drilling, and here is an excellent primer on the Arctic Refuge. Arlen Specter's vote will be extremely important. If you love animals, please give him a phone call and tell him you want him to vote yes on the Cantwell Amendment that would keep the Arctic Refuge out of the federal budget. His number is 215 597-7200. It will only take a minute, though the phone may be busy for a while.

Don't things always seem to get screwy when you throw trannies into the mix? Here's the latest on the Tonya Harding wrestling fiasco (Daisy D. is a trannie.) And here's a person that wanted to meet me on hotornot.com. No kidding. The damn thing is, this is the best looking person that has contacted me throught the site.

Think you know your basketball? Wanna win a gift certificate to any one of a number of local bars and restaurants, simply by filling out brackets? Click here to enter. Fill out the info required (you can fill out fake info if you want. They'll never know the difference.) When it asks for a group password, just type in goodtimes. First prize is dinner and your choice of show at World Cafe Live! (Shows subject to availability.) Second place is a $40 gift certificate to the Black Sheep. Third place is a $25 gift certificate to O'Neals. You must sign up by 11:00 am on Thursday.

Hey gang, the Quizzo Bowl true/false round is up in the online quizzes.

Hottie Bernadette Stanis is best known for playing Thelma in what TV show? (It was pointed out to me that she played Thelma on one episode of the Wayans Brothers. This is obviously not what she is best known for.)

The Western Omelette was hopping mad at the conclusion of Thursday nights contest, despite an impressive win. "Listen, Richard was never specifically told that he had to pay taxes on his earnings from Survivor," said Parsa Sugarronme. "I mean, I don't have to pay taxes on my winnings from quizzo. I don't, do I? Oh s***, are you serious?"

A raging blaze broke out at the Good Dog on Thursday night, as Goodtimes absent mindedly placed some papers on a candle. Fortunately for the crowd, official Johnny Goodtimes Fire Chief Smokey McManus (below) was in attendance, and bravely put out the blaze. The bar wasn't the only thing on fire, as WTF finally got its head out of its collective ass and smoked the competition at the Good Dog.

Watching Porn With Michael Jackson won at the Black Sheep on wednesday. The team, which was disgusted with Mike's appearance at the Rendezvous earlier in the evening but would still let their children spend the night at his house, reported that the porn they watched was David Hasselhoff in "Raw".

Michael Jackson showed a despicable lack of respect for the institution of quizzo on Wednesday when he showed up midway through the second round-wearing his pajamas! "I was embarrassed to have him on my team," said Bob Lickliter. "But I would still let me child spend the night at his house. I mean, come on, he's got a roller coaster and a monkey!"

The Defective Sidewalk struggled in Round One at the Bards, scoring only seven points, but ran the tables after that, finishing with an incredible 115. "Yeah, we shoulda gotten that Thad Matta question right in round one," said Pat Sesquicentennial. "He's got the second best coaching name in college basketball. The best, of course, is Butler's Todd Lickliter. Just try to say 'lickliter' without smiling. It's not possible."

The Y-100 Revolutionary Army blitzkrieged their opponents at Doc's on Mondya night. Sadly, they were no match for the G-Unit, who took control of Y-100 and turned it into a rap station. "It wouldn't have been so humiliating if, during their hostile takeover of the station, somebody in 50's posse hadn't popped a cap in my ass," said John Soltrane (above). "That was entirely uncalled for."

Peanut Butter Bumpers put the nut in nutritious (below)! If you also eat a whole grapefruit, a glass of OJ, two mangoes, two stalks of celery, a banana, a glass of milk, and a salad, then Peanut Butter Bumpers become a part of a complete nutritious breakfast. Oh, and their marketing team won at O'Neals on Tuesday.

Sometimes life is just so wonderful. Oh yeah, and vote in the new poll. I'm real interested to see what this group thinks.

Dan Rather, by far the most entertaining news anchor on tv ("If a frog had sidepockets, it would carry a gun") is no longer hosting the news. I really can't understand why more people weren't watching CBS News. I mean, Brian Williams? Come on! As dull as toast. OK, so with Rather, you weren't always sure if he were telling the truth, but that was the whole fun of it. He was like this crazed news anchor who said ridiculous things and threw in a little southern flair and what seemed to me to be genuine emotion. The other guys are just robots. I think guys who walk off the set, get beat up at the DNC, and try heroine are much more fascinating in the long run than people who just show up and do a job in a dry, monotonous tone (hello, Tom Brokaw.) Dan Rather was a lot of things, not all of them good, but he wasn't plastic, like every dime a dozen news anchor you see today (especially here in Philly). I'd rather take the real human being, warts and all. Dan Rather will be missed. As many of you know, Rather was involved in an almost unbelievable amount of strange mix ups and fights. Here's a collection. And below I have thrown in a few of my favorite Ratherisms.

There was an article in today's Inky about the upcoming smoking ban. And here's an article in last months New York Times (don't worry, you don't need a subscription) about their smoking ban. And finally, a list of businesses hit hard by the smoking ban.

You ever been to Found magazine's website, dedicated to random things people have found?

Or does this photo kind of make you feel uncomfortable?

What's the name of Spongebob's pet snail?

The Yankees Suck were able to pull off a victory at the Bards on Thursday night. Rumors of White Wilt returning to the sport were still not finalized as of press time. While he was in attendance for a portion of the contest on Thursday, it seemed that he was concentrating more on darts, and therefore will not lose eligibility for entering the Hall in early 2010, unless he decides to make a full fledged comback. Meanwhile, did you guys see how big that daggone snowball was those kids at St. Joe's Prep made (see Doc Watson's story)? The world record, by the way, was set a few weeks ago at Syracuse. It was 7'6".

What, are you people too good for quizzo at the Good Dog? You think you people can just take off a week, and I won't notice? Of course I notice! I'm Johnny F***** Goodtimes, I notice everything! Sorry. Damn. This scurvy is messing with my emotions. Martha's Prison Yoga Team was able to hold off Where the F*** is Brent at the Good Dog on Thursday. Nice job, gang.

Fran is Now an Officer was able to squeak past the Missing Heads on Wednesday night, 84-83. Now I have no idea who this "Fran" is, but I looked up Fran online and lo and behold, I came up with this. Now that's "Fran-tastic!"

The Jams on Wednesday became only the third team ever to go into the final question with 39 right. The question: What two countries border Ecuador? Their answer: Peru and Venezuela. The correct answer: Peru...and Columbia. "You know, the irony of this is that I had several relatives killed by FARC guerillas (below) in Bogota just a few months ago," said team member Mike Uribe Alvaro. "It seems like my family is always getting it's ass kicked by Colombia."

After months of heartache and despair, the LL Urban Achievers were finally able to get over the hump (below) at the Bards on Tuesday. "The double entendre represented in that photo had been messing with our heads for too long," said team member Romeo Moonsong. "It was time to let that image go, and get over the hump, so to speak."

The Short Bus Pilots were able to roll past Down Goes Pope, ending the Pope's dreams of a record tying sixth straight win (the Missing Heads of Black Sheep have the record) by a single point. The Pilots then rolled back to Nebraska in style (below).

John Chaney's Goons won at Doc's on Monday night, fighting off a major snowstorm to even make it to the arena. "Three members of the team didn't make it," said Lance Butterworth. "We still haven't recovered their bodies." In lighter snow related news, the boys of St. Joe's Prep Lacrosse team created the largest snowball in Pennsylvania history over the weekend. Congratulations, boys!

Tony! Toni! Tone! would have been proud of the dance moves on exhibit at the Bards on Thursday by the guy without his shirt on. Worry not, boys! Your legacy lives on!

Alright, pics are up for Good Dog. After weeks of being packed to the rafters, it was eerily quiet on Thursday night. However, a fine time was had by all.

Alright gang, here's the pics from Black Sheep on Wednesday night. I woulda had all this stuff up earlier but I got hit with some sort of leprosy related superbug that has really knocked me out.

I'm not quite sure what to say about this. It's just so strange. Horrifying, and yet alluring and amusing at the same time. I haven't been feeling that well lately, so that's why the photos aren't already up. They will definitely all be up by tommorrow. Thanks for your patience.

Hey guys, here's the pics from Locust on Wednesday night! The highlight of the evening, of course, was the Jams going for a perfect score and then yelling at Ern after the contest, "Who's Your Daddy?"

Finally you can make your own church sign!!! Thanks to Jen O. for sending this link.

Here's pics from the Bards last night. The highlight, well, I mean I think the pic above says it all.

Alright gang, here's the pics from last night at O'Neals. The highlight of the evening was when that white trash chick that was at the bar pissed off a guy on Peanut Butter Bumpers so much that he had to change seats.

Just wanted to make sure you guys had seen the second group of ten album covers. These are even better than the first ten.

A restaurant in Pittsburgh has decided to grant a reprieve to a 22 pound lobster, despite the objections of People for Eating Tasty Animals (PETA). When the rubber bands were released from his claws, the lobster attacked and killed a busboy and ate the maitre d'.

Yo, my man David Stone is going to be playing at Fergie's on Wednesday. And what's even better, he's gonna be playing at 10 p.m., right after I get done at Black Sheep. And not only do you get to hang with Johnny Goodtimes and watch Johnny Cash, but there is no cover! It's like heaven, except without Tutti from "Facts of Life." (Have you seen her lately? Damnnnn!!!!)

This is pretty hilarious. Thanks to Suzy for sending me the link. If you have a good link, feel free to send it to johnny@johnnygoodtimes.com.

Here's the photos of all the teams that played last night at Doc Watson's, except for the winners, who'll get their pic later this week.