January 2005 Archives

Hey gang, I'm sorry I couldn't let everybody know what their score was last night, but it just would have taken forever. So here are the final standings. Also, I'll try to get everything caught up (last week's stories, etc.) as soon as possible. I got a little backed up trying to put QBI together. Thanks for your patience!

There's Johnny proved to know more useless knowledge than anyone else in Philadelphia, edging out the Sofa Kingdom and knocking off 41 other teams at a packed World Cafe Live on Sunday night. The Johnnies had to overcome a five point deficit heading into the final round to edge the Kingdom (below), 141-136.


Johnny Goodtimes, whose hair looked absolutely terrific, emceed the event, which also featured performances from the Man In Black, bellydancer Najia (Ern's highlight of the evening), and Nate Wiley and the Crowd Pleasers (below). Rosemary Fiki kicked off the Quizzo Bowl with a stirring rendition of "God Bless America".


The Count of Monte Quizzo (below) finished third with a score of 131. There were 15 questions per round instead of the usual 10, thus the high scores. A perfect score would have been a 174. Heff Called, He Wants His Jacket Back won best team name, while Los Nachorinas won a free bottle of really bad champagne for finishing with the worst score, a 76.

There's Johnny wins Quizzo Bowl I. (Story coming shortly)

Alright, gang, here's the lineup for the big show tommorrow:
6:00 p.m. Doors Open
6:15 p.m. Man in Black takes the stage
6:50 p.m. Nate Wiley and the Crowd Pleasers play
7:20 p.m. Johnny takes the stage
7:30 p.m. Quizzo Bowl I begins
8:30 p.m. Halftime Bellydancer
10:30 p.m. Announce winners

Johnny will be seen in the afternoon edition of the Philadelphia Bulletin. No, you do not have to travel back in time to get your copy. They have recently begun handing out the afternoon paper again throughout Center City for 25 cents.

Mitt Romney, whose name is Mitt Romney, is the governor of Massachussetts (That's him, pictured above). When our fearless leader Ed Rendell offered him a bet, lobster vs. cheesesteaks, Mitt refused because cheesesteaks aren't healthy. What? Being from Massachussettes, where eating a cheesesteak and holding a newborn baby require the same amount of delicacy (see Kerry, John), Mitt was obviously scared Mitt (I won't be using the pronoun 'he' at all in this story)would come off as big of a pansy as Kerry did. Or, being a New England snob, Mitt probably won't eat anything that doesn't come with bibs or in chowdah form. Also, I'd like to remind our readers, his name is Mitt Romney! Now of course this would have been a non-issue if Mitt was confident the Patriots would win, b/c he wouldn't have to eat said cheesesteak. But since Mitt (that's his name) plans on crying on Ben Affleck's shoulder on the night of the Super Bowl, Mitt thought Mitt better offer up something else.

Bobby Badtimes here, reminding you that Friday, January 28th is Wear Your Wig to Work Day! (By the way, mine's not a wig, it's a permanent.) Please do so, and send the resulting photos to me, so I can put them on the site. I'm begging you!

Here's a good Philadelphia joke I thought I would share with you guys, sent to me by Miranda from Team hater.

Those of us dorks who enjoy really awful 80's music (i.e. every person who's ever played quizzo) were shocked and awed when we read this week's Sports Illustrated:
But after dinner a buoyant (Freddie) Mitchell pointed his Mercedes toward his South Jersey home and cranked up the volume on one of his favorite anthems, singing every word of Don't Stop Believin', the moldy oldie by Journey.
Are you kidding me? FredEx is a Journey fan? The People's Champ is...one of us?

Several of quizzo's most succesful franchises made an appearance in today's City Paper! CP did a preview of this weeks Quizzo Bowl. The big board in Vegas should have a line up at some point either today or tommorrow, so that illegal betting on Quizzo Bowl I can begin in earnest.

There are still a few more seats left! In an effort to accommodate as many people as possible, we are opening the mezzanine area. There are also a few more seats left at the bar. If you are a small team (less than seven), please take the bar seats.
Buy Tickets Now.

Quizzo Bowl I and a swanky picture of Johnny makes the A-List in Philadelphia Weekly.

Classic Philadelphia jazz band Nate Wiley and the Crowd Pleasers have been added as performers at Quizzo Bowl I. Probably most widely known for their performances at Bob & Barbara's, Nate Wiley and the Crowd Pleasers have been doing that pleasing for decades. Check out more on Nate in this City Paper article.

Ask Men names the 99 most desirable women in the world. Do you know who is number one?

Things have been a little shaky on the website for the last 24 hours. On the one week I could least afford to have my modem crash, my modem crashed. So a couple of stories are late, and I haven't been able to throw up the normal ridiculous stories you've come to expect. It's getting fixed tomorrow, and then we'll be back in business. In better news, it looks like Quizzo Bowl I is close to being a sell-out!

Who are the only three non-kickers to lead the NFL in scoring in the last fifteen years?

Full House Whites Over Asians were able to knock off the competition at Doc Watson's on Monday, defeating I Hate Joe Hung, who was only able to record a pair of eights.

The Maelstrom, once known as the MBF Crew, was able to score it's second straight victory at O'Neals on Tuesday. The win came despite a perfect round two from Ugly Ass Snatchers, who knew everything about N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys. "Yeah, me and Kevin are homies from back in the day," said Anfernee Youngblood (holding up peace sign). "We used to dance together in his bedroom when we were teenagers. What are you giving me that look for, Goodtimes? What?"

The Goats were able to pull off a victory at the Bards on Tuesday night, but weren't all smiles afterwards. "This whole 'Ice Cube in a family movie' thing is really bothering me," said team member Donald "Seymore" Butts. "I mean, Ice Cube was the one guy I thought would always keep it real. Whatever happened to the guy that penned the following lyrics:
Here's a murda rap to keep ya'll dancin'
With a crime record like Charles Manson
AK-47 is the tool
Now don't make me act the m***** f****' fool
"Yeah," added Chet Bumstead, "Amerikkka's Most Wanted my ass. He doesn't even have jerry curls anymore."

Smiling's My Favorite won at the Good Dog on Thursday night, leading from beginning to end. When asked how they came up with the team name, they said for us to go to google, type in "smiling's my favorite" and search for images. That's when it all became crystal clear.

Kiss Your Sister won at the Bards on Thurday, knocking off the East German Women's Swim Team by one point. When asked why they had chosen that team name, Brett Buzbee answered, "Well, wees all from West Virginnie, and wees all big ol' fans of Caligula beer." If you would like to become a resident of West Virginia, just click below on "Continue Reading" to find the West Virginia residency form.

Just wanted to send birthday shout-outs to Eve (above, center) and Dana below, both of whom recently played at the Bards. If any of y'all gotta birthday coming up, let me know.

Oh, no! Paris Hilton is in trouble with the law! It seems you can't steal movies from newstands, even if you are an internationally famous whore! The injustice!

Not since the teletubbies has there been such an obvious attempt by the cartoon industry to turn children gay. Spongebob, in a recent video, has the nerve to encourage children to show tolerance towards others, even homosexuals! Fortunately for us, there is the Christian Right, who want children to follow Jesus's example, showing love to everyone, except for homosexuals, who Jesus famously hated and treated differently than everyone else.

Tonya Harding knocked out her opponent Britney Drake in the second round, after bashing her knee in with a tire iron.

From the gawker:
Freemans, tuesday night the 16th of nov. the bush twins , along with 2 massive secret service men, tried to have dinner. they were told by the maitre'd that they were full and would be for the next 4 years. upon hearing, the entire restaurant cheered and did a round of shots... it was amazing!!! [Ed: We're hearing that this is actually true.]

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better than the Grey Album by DJ Danger Mouse (mixing Jay Z and the Beatles), I find the Beastles, a mix of the Beatles and the Beastie Boys

Think again!!! Here is the story of activists pelting a McDonald's with an octopus cannon. In other news, there is such a thing as an octopus cannon. Is the plural of octopus octopuses or octopi? I'm not sure. Both are fun to say.

There are very few times when I will promote something on the same night as quizzo. This is one of those times. Tonya Harding will be boxing tonight in Essington. Tickets are $25, and proceeds will help Tanya in her battle to be less white-trashy. Will someone please go and tell me how it is?

Hey gang, here's a pretty kool site I found that had actually linked to the "Nobel Prize Winner...or Porn Star" quiz. The site's got some pretty interesting stuff on it including a very addictive time waster called ice breakout in which you're a penguin on a seesaw. Check it out.

After completely obscuring the faces of the winning team (Team Mug Night, unobscured above) at the Dog on Thursday, Photoshop Stan was let go by Johnny Goodtimes, Inc. Stan (below), whose dependence on glue and liquid valium has been troublesome to the organization for years, finally went over the line on Thursday. "I don't know," said Stan, "I thought it was kind of funny. But what do I know? I'm just a glue sniffing photoshopper. Also, I like liquid valium. And white out." Stan's interim replacement will be intern Lou "JPEG" Jackson.

Here's a couple of pics of a young Bill Gates, supposedly from back in the day when he appeared in Tiger Beat magazine (according to gizmodo). I'm skeptical. I couldn't find any other reference to Bill Gates in Tiger Beat online. And while he may have looked dapper and coy at that time, he had turned into a real supergeek by 1984.

Hey gang, there's a trivia meetup group that I found online if anyone is interested. Looks pretty kool (even if their first event is at Fergie's). Also, we've already sold over 75 tickets to Quizzo Bowl I! Thanks to everybody who has purchased tix so far.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Goodtimes has landed one of the most talented belly dancers on the East Coast! Najia, the one you see belly dancing on the Action News lead-in montage, will be halftime entertainment at the halftime show of Quizzo Bowl I! I will bet dollars to doughnuts that Johnny's halftime show will be better than the Super Bowl's halftime show. Najia has entertained audiences throughout the United States for over ten years, and now you will have an opportunity to see her perform live! For more info about her, go to her website.

What comic strip is Elsie Segar best known for creating?

After hearing all week that a dome team could never survive the elements, Team Mug Night went out and proved the naysayers wrong, coming from behind to win at the Good Dog. "Yeah, we've been playing indoors all year, but this team has the kind of heart it takes to win in a driving snowstorm on the road," said Layton Canning of the Mugs. "We're not like the Colts."

Well, we always thought she was the brains of the operation, and Jennifer Aniston proved it on Wednesday, leading WTF to victory. Aniston, provocatively dressed and staring at Goodtimes throughout the contest, was able win the $40 gift certificate but not the grand prize. "Yeah, Jennifer was all over me," said Goodtimes. "But she's so vulnerable right now, it just didn't seem right. Plus, I could never do that to Brad."

One Blind Mouse showed up late, then was able to win in overtime at the Bards on Thursday, despite some obvious stalling tactics by the second place Cunning Linguists. Meanwhile, the Losers, in one of the most startling displays of intelligence ever registered, missed 27 of the final 28 questions to finish with a score of 9. "We just weren't inspired Johnny," said Loser Percy Hightower. "I think it had something to do with us sitting in front of the 'Disaster Wall'. Ironically, I think we'll be up there next week."

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times for the Fire Hazards. They not only won on Wednesday at the Rendezvous, they joined the 100 point club. But moments after winning, just as they stepped outside, team member Spencer Albright spontaneously combusted. "We've had this problem before," said teammate Dandy Thompson. "I'm just glad we were outdoors when it happened, so there was limited property damage."

The F'ers finally foiled their foes, finishing the Goats, 105-102. The fearsome foursome from Philly flaunted their newfound fame and fortune, finding four friendly foxes to finish the festivities. Fantastic!

The MBF Crew was able to get back to the top of the mountaintop in a most triumphant return to O'Neals. There were numerous celebrity sightings, as Katie Sometimes and Jess Sometimes, former contestants in the "Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes Contest" finally made a return to the scene of the crime. And Brad Pitt actually played with the winners. While Brad refused to say why he and Jennifer...wait, who's that behind the team in the photo? Why, that's Angelina Jolie!!! That's the little whore who broke up the most beautiful couple ever!!! I knew it, I knew the rumors were true! Die, b****, die!!!

Spiro Agnew Got A Raw Deal was finally able to get to the proverbial mountaintop at Doc's on Monday night, even joining the 100 point club. The team, out and about town to promote the new movie "Spiro Agnew 3-D" on IMAX, says that this is a "must-see" for Nixon fans and tax evaders. The film, in which Henry Winkler will play Agnew, comes to the Franklin Center IMAX in February.

Does anyone really give a s*** about Saturn's moon? I mean, seriously. We can't afford to lower class sizes, we can't afford to adequately protect our troops in Iraq, but we can afford to help the Europeans send a spaceship to Saturn's moon? And oooh, aren't those pictures pretty! Almost like grey mud! I say, no more money for this stupid space exploration unless we go somewhere where we will definitely find aliens.

Philly Mag refused to run an ad created by the Brownstein Group for the restaurant Pompeii because it was a little too racy (Even saucier than the one above! For more info about Pompeiian porn and more saucy pics, click here). Here's more info, from Michael Kline's Inqlings column yesterday:

Ad-itude adjustment

No sex allowed in Philadelphia Magazine. On the other hand, the rival Philadelphia Style is all for it.

The Brownstein Group, an ad shop that reps the Center City restaurant Pompeii, created a print ad based on the image of a 2,000-year-old Pompeiian fresco. The fresco depicts a man and a woman in a compromising position.

KARE-TV of Minneapolis recorded the exchange between Moss and reporters outside the Vikings' practice facility. (By the way, I think the best team name of the past week might have been "Your Mother Has Randy Moss in a Leglock".)

Reporter: "Write the check yet, Randy?"

Moss: "When you're rich you don't write checks."

Reporter: "If you don't write checks, how do you pay these guys?"

Moss: "Straight cash, homey."

Reporter: "Randy, are you upset about the fine?"

Moss: "No, cause it ain't s***. Ain't nothing but 10 grand. What's 10 grand to me? Ain't s***. Next time I might shake my d***."

I'm sorry, say what you will about Moss being a jerk, disrespectful of the game, etc., but you have to admit, that's funny.

Here's a few questions a lot of people have about Quizzo Bowl. If you have any other questions, feel free to email me. You can order tickets here.

1. Will it only be questions about the Superbowl?
Absolutely not. This will be just like a regular quizzo, running the gamut from entertainment to history to science, with perhaps a few Super Bowl questions.

2. What's the team size limit?
Eight players on a team is the limit. No exceptions.

3. What are you going to do about cheating?
It will probably be a "Big Brother" type thing, where if you see another team cheating, report it to me and I'll have a word with the team in question. If it happens twice, that team is eliminated. I'll also have "spies" in the crowd.

4. Can I get my tickets at the door?
Yes, but they do cost $12 at the door, $10 beforehand.

5. What's the best way for us to order tickets?
I would suggest one player on the team order for everyone online, that way you are assured of everyone having the same table. Then have everyone pay them back.

6. How many questions are there going to be?
To be honest, I have yet to decide whether there will be 40 or 50 questions. There will be no more than 50.

7. Did you say bellydancers?
Yes. The Halftime show will include bellydancers. I'll give you more info as soon as I have officially signed the one I want.

8. Does this place have a bar?
Yes, this is a bar. In fact, if you plan on not drinking and not eating any food, I encourage you not to attend. I mean, I have no problem with people not wanting to drink booze, but if you don't I do ask you to grab a bite to eat at least. Here's why: I have been hired by this bar to bring people in, obviously in the hopes of creating revenue. I would really like to host more shows at this venue in the future. If everybody comes after they already ate and drinks water, I won't be asked back. It's that simple.

9. Is it $300 for the winner or $500 for the winner?
It's $300 cash for the winner, $125 cash for 2nd, $50 gift certificate for 3rd, and $25 gift certificate for fourth, making up a total purse of $500.

10. Can I just watch and not play?
No. Why would you? It's still going to be fun, whether or not you have a chance of finishing first. Plus, it's been my experience that people who are not playing are a lot more likely to shout out answers.

11. What time does it start?
Doors open at 6:00 p.m. The festivities will probably begin around 6:30 p.m., with kickoff set for 7:30 p.m.

12. Is it gonna be fun, even if my team has no real shot of winning?
Have you ever been to an event that included belly dancers that wasn't fun? Yes, we'll have raffles and things like that too, so you don't have to win the quizzo to walk out with something kool.

Dan Gross wrote about Joe Hoeffel attending Johnny's quizzo at the Bards on Tuesday night.

Tickets to Quizzo Bowl I are now on sale!!! Tix are only $10 (it says $7, but there is also a $3 ticketing fee)in advance, $12 at the door. You also get your choice of seating by ordering on the website. Also, in answer to a question I've been getting a lot, maximum team size is eight players, no exceptions. Finally, if you have four or fewer, please grab a four top or share an eight that another fourtop has already grabbed. It will just help us keep organized on the night of the event. Thanks.

Mr. Blackwell released his worst female dressers from 2004. Paris Hilton, who finished in fifth place, was punished by having to pump sewage in New Jersey. Goobie probably thinks Paris is hot (see message board "most overrated hottie" for more details).

This is absolutely hilarious. This is the true story of a nerdy white guy in Brooklyn who constantly got calls from ODB's peeps because he shared the same name and was listed (ODB's real name was Russell Jones). I know what he's been through. People always mistake me for Big John Studd.

Rapper turned minister MC Hammer officiated over the wedding of Vince Neil and his longtime girlfriend. Come on, Vince. Hammer? Couldn't you have gotten Reverend Run or Mase?

'The Simple Life' wanted to shoot an episode at a middle school in Buena Vista Township, NJ, with Paris and Nicole substitute teaching. But parents kicked against the idea, saying that they didn't want their 11 year olds to be taught by an ugly whore (that's Paris, not Nicole. I would never speak about any member of Lionel Ritchie's family like that).

Here's where Quizzo Bowl I, the most prestigious event in the long, storied history of quizzo, currently stands: It will be held Sunday, January 30th at the World Cafe Live, located on 3025 Walnut Street. The doors open at 6:00 p.m., and the show will begin at 7:30 p.m. Tickets are $10 per person, and there is a purse of $500. There will also be giveaways throughout the night, and live music! It's going to be, in the words of one of my college roommates, "totally killer, dude"! By the way, there will be no NFL playoff games on that day.
Buy tickets online and save $2.

The Ku Klux Klan wants to adopt a highway, but apparently people think that there is enough white trash on the side of the road. So the Klan had to take it's case to the highest court in the land (besides the People's Court): the Supreme Court.

Hey gang, here's a Jennifer Aniston message board with pathetic people who live their lives through famous couples falling to pieces. My favorite line: "No, guys, no. I can't see straight! I can't stop shaking!" Ok, I would say that this breakup is the least of your problems. Another: "I keep trying to pinch myself to make it all go away, but it won't." I'm telling you, if you're having a bad day and need a good laugh, check this page out!

A tragic situation in New York has left over 20 Akitas homeless. Here's more on what you can do to help.

Just wanted to send some birthday shout outs. First off to Alberto of Team Hater, who celebrated his big day last week. Also, to the young lady in the pink shirt who played with some other cuties at Doc Watson's last Monday. Happy Birthday! If you have a birthday coming up, please let me know so I can put you on the site.

Brad Pitt caught his first break in Hollywood by appearing briefly as "Chuck" in what TV show in 1986?

Talk about resourceful! Chris and the Quizhoes were able to capture their own photo after winning on Thursday, then emailed it to Johnny Goodtimes for inclusion on the website!

It was supposed to be a big week for Johnny Goodtimes, Inc. They were supposed to launch the blimp they were able to buy from Good Year for dirt-cheap. But their hopes burst into flames like the Hindenburg when they found out what a lemon this blimp was. "First of all, I thought we would be saving a lot of money, because my name was already half written on the blimp," said Goodtimes. "But you wouldn't believe how much blimp paint is selling for these days, so we had to do the job with spray paint. Then the thing didn't even rise off the ground. But I was determined to get an aerial photo, so I just climbed on top of the blimp to snap the photo of 'Kelly Loves Boner' (who scored 112) at the Bards. It looks like it's taken from the air, doesn't it?"

Chris and Quizhoes were able to come from behind to defeat "For the Love of Cans" at the Good Dog, but Goodtimes forgot to take the team photo. Fortunately for Goodtimes, he was able to deflect attention from his own stupidity by announcing that Ashlee Simpson would be performing at Quizzo Bowl I. "That crowd at the Orange Bowl never gave her a chance," said Goodtimes, who was onstage during the performance. "I think the crowd at the Quizzo Bowl will be much more forgiving."

WTF was able to pull off an impressive victory at the Black Sheep on Wednesday. Oklahoma, meanwhile, suffered their second humiliating defeat in two nights, being crushed by the WTFers in every aspect of the game. "I hate to say it, but Jason White just blows," said Sooner coach Bob Stoops. "First he throws three interceptions in the Orange Bowl, and then he doesn't even know who built the Brooklyn Bridge. Thank goodness he's used up his nine years of eligibility."

Boy For Sale came from behind to defeat the Broad Street Bullies in Overtime at the Rendezvous on Wednesday. "We always have a contest to see who can wear the dorkiest hat to quizzo," said Jay Smooth. "Jethro Stallworth (far left) wins every week."

The Goats were able to win on Tuesday for the first time on almost two months, but the real story came later in the week, when lychee heir Chet Bumstead, IV(below) sued Goodtimes for hurting the feelings of a local blueberry heir. "Us fruit heirs need to stick together," said Bumstead. "Lychee, blueberry, even kiwi heirs; it doesn't matter, we need to stand up for each other when jealous people like Goodtimes make fun of us." Said the blueberry heir (whom Johnny's not naming so he won't get sued), "I'm flattered that Bumstead, a man who knows how hard it is to be a fruit heir, would stick up for me. We're a tight bunch, us fruit heirs. We're not like those backstabbing vegetable heirs."

The University of Panda's Ham was able to pull off an impressive victory at O'Neals on Tuesday, and said that there was no truth to the rumor that they had stolen 3.6 million nickels. "No way," said Thad Funderburke. "We brought all these nickels with us so we could play the jukebox at Johnny Rocket's later."

Fly Eagles FLy was able to win at Doc Watson's for the second consecutive week, but the real story was the performance of Paul Roundsonmee. Paul (below) set a new Johnny Goodtimes quizzo record by passing out less than five questions into round one. "I've been around a lot of impressive athletic achievments in my day," said Goodtimes,"But this one...well, this one was really special."

White Wilt, one of the most famous (or better yet, infamous) players on the JGT circuit, is celebrating his umpteenth birthday today. Happy Birthday White Wilt!!!

This website tells you when just about every television program ever "jumped the shark." Thanks to Defective Sidewalk for telling me about this site.

Alright, 2005 is here, and I'm already pissed off. First of all, Philadelphia Weakly has gotten so pathetic it hardly even seems worth mentioning. I mean, the cover story, the cover story is about a horny Asian kid with a video camera!!! That's it!!! That's the whole story! I just gave away the plot and the ending! I'm not kidding! There's nothing else to it!!! There's an asian kid who likes Italians and has a video camera, and he sometimes go to Delilah's. If you read the entire story and can glean any more information than what I've just given you, I'll buy you a beer. Un-freaking-believable. The only thing that the Weakly has going for it is Jessica Pressler, and she's currently getting sued by some blueberry heir for a million dollars because she teased him in her article. What? You can't sue somebody for hurting your feelings, jerk-off!!! In return for you being such an idiot, I'm calling on all Johnny Goodtimes fans to stop eating blueberries. The great Blueberry Boycott of 2005 has begun! Spread the word. Boy, those people in charge of college football sure know what they're doing, don't they? I mean, first this BCS system they come up with works like a charm, as only three teams finish the season undefeated, and then they think that football fans just can't get enough Ashlee Simpson. What? How about a Wham! reunion at next year's Orange Bowl? I'm sure football fans would love it. Oh, and here's a piece of advice for everybody: If you're sort of casually dating someone for a couple of months, don't bother getting them a cheesy personalized gift as sort of a cute gag. Because that will be roughly the time they stop returning your calls and then you're stuck with a crappy mug with this girl's name on it serving as a reminder of what a hosebag you are every time you have a cup of coffee. At least that's what I hear. My name is Bobby Badtimes, Beware my Wrath!!!

P.S. You don't think that blueberry dude can sue me for calling him a jerk-off, do you?

I feel bad about having ripped PhilaWeakly without giving due time to their brethren at City Paper. Namely music editor Patrick "He's the DJ, I'm the" Rapa. Here's what "He's the DJ, I'm the" Rapa recently had to say about the Roots latest album: Look, we know you're not out there blingin' and bangin', but some of that ol' gritty, preachy magic was missing from The Tipping Point. Maybe you've lost touch a little? Maybe you're too happy? It was interesting that Rapa decided to write that, because it gave away the fact that he obviously never listened to the album!

Philadelphia got named 2nd fattest city in the country by Men's Fitness magazine, which I would not have believed had I not gone to Walmart on Delaware Ave. yesterday. It was there that I saw like four people riding around in those carts to shop, not because they were old or handicapped, but because they were just too damn fat to walk. Don't worry, gang, motorized carts will burn off those pounds in no time.

You're going to enjoy these!

This is incredible! Some teenage kid called Donovan McNabb, said he was James Thrash and that he was in trouble and needed $600, and McNabb wired him the money!!! I mean, I could see Donovan helping out Deuce if he needed cash, but not Thrash.

This guy has listed his top 100 rap songs of all time. I have put my top 10 underneath in the comments section. Feel free to list your own faves, and tell me what you wanna see less of in 2005 on the message board.

Here's the top 15 stories of the year in 2004, in no particular order.

Johnny and Janet's controversial halftime performance at Nick's.

White Wilt does what he does best; crying after a narrow loss.

The Missing Heads ride high.

Haitians celebrate quizzo win, regime change.

When Flying Squirrels attack.

Andy Kaufmann look alike plays at O'Neals.

Revolutionary hero Thomas Paine fights impotence.

Failing to entice the ladies with offers of a Scrabble match, Johnny makes a last, desperate attempt to win them over via board game.

Plumbers lay pipe.

Kenichi Fukui stars in Chemistry Sluts.

Ern chased through streets by groupies.

Big Bopper joins the Wu-Tang Clan.

John Q. Adams shills for Colt 45.

Ken Jennings kidnapped and gagged.

One Man Band Flies Hans Solo.

The Starland Vocal Band won a Grammy for Best New Artist in 1976, due almost entirely to the success of what song?

My man Dan Gross dropped a bombshell today; Tonya Harding will be boxing in Essington later this month!!! Johnny will let you miss quizzo that night if you can show me a note proving that you were at Harding's boxing match. Oh, and here's Tonya's official website.

The Purple Cobras were able to foreclose on the Bards on Thursday, and emerged victorious. Their elation was even more profound when they found out that their beloved Olsen twins were back on the fast track to success-why else would they be seen with international megastar John Stamos!

The Lazy Sluts were able to win at the Good Dog on Thursday night, despite their indolence, and their willingness to sleep with numerous members of the opposite sex without even learning their names. By the way, when I googled images for "Lazy Sluts" (For research purposes only) this was the first picture to pop up. I hope the girl on the floor is ok.

1022 was able to pull off a victory at the Vous, but were unable to teach the Grand Inquizzinator how to use a camera. "I told him to quit spinning in circles while taking the pictures," said Lester Cornwallis of 1022, "But he just didn't want to listen. I think the Inquizzantor gets some sort of strange kick out of being dizzy."

In what was unquestionably the worst photo ever taken at a Johnny Goodtimes event, the River of Rocks were photographed by a small child, er, I mean the Grand Inquizzator. But even GI's misappropriation of the lens couldn't take away the joy of victory for the Rocks, who pulled it off against a team that was, I'm not kidding, photographed so badly I decided not to put them up here.

Fly Eagles Fly, a team that named itself before the Bengals game, was able to knock off the 2nd place TO's Broken Bones at Doc's on Monday. But due to an unexplained mishap, Trivia Art took a photo of Bones instead of the Eagles. Then, due to an unexplained mishap, Art forgot to use the flash. Sadly, due to an unexplained mishap, Artie "fell" off the Ben Franklin Bridge "just before I could save him" said sole eyewitness Johnny Goodtimes. "Johnny would be a suspect, because the whole thing seems fishy," said police chief Snidely Whiplash. "But we have a longstanding policy against detaining international megastars."

The Western Omelette was able to overcome two teams by less than four points at the Bards on Tuesday night. Defending champion Defective Sidewalk was highly upset after the contest, thinking that former Eagle Cecil Martin was known as the Diesel. Unforunately, back up fullbacks don't usually get bestowed nicknames like "Diesel." The point is moot!

Swimming in Sri Lanka was able to overcome its remarkably bad taste (as evidenced by it's team name) and roll to victory at O'Neals, putting up an impressive 105 points in the process.