December 2004 Archives

JGT Highlights

• Johnny interviews Lauren Hart and the orangutan man.
• Ern attacked by Mike Tyson.
• Martha Stewart loses Christmas decorating contest in prison.
• Kenichi Fukui marries 28 year old grad student. OK, so not really. But close.

Interesting Search Terms

• andy kaufmann
• sexy chicks
• wardrobe malfunction

JGT Highlights

• Ern throws cup, Ron Artest charges into crowd.
• Towelgate. Goodtimes apologizes for Sheridan's behavior.
• Playboy.com debuts its "Women of McDonalds".
• Johnny wins a date to the City Paper
• George Bush dies, Ol' Dirty Bastard elected president. What? Oh.
• Rowdy Roddy Piper makes stand up comedy debut.

Interesting Search Terms

• robert van winkle
• howard eskin bobblehead
• black porn stars

JGT Highlights

• Johnny voted City Paper's Local Celebrity of the Year.
• Johnny has article about baseball published in the Aurelian.
• Castro falls at Good Dog.
• Kar and Car set record for lowest score ever in JGT Quizzo.
• Dolphin Johnny saw being born in 2001 is in the news.
• Jon Stewart blasts Tucker Carlson on Crossfire.
• Stephen Starr offers $100 cheesesteak.
• First shotgunned beer guzzled at Good Dog.

Interesting Search Terms

• Reggie Miller
• randy watson sexual chocolate
• mexican cuties

JGT Highlights

• Christina Aguilera calls Britney Spears wedding "low rent and pathetic.
• Johnny does now infamous "Nobel Prize Winner or Porn Star" Round. Coincidentally, Jenna Jameson joins the Western Omelette.
• Johnny's favorite politician, Marion "Bitch Set Me Up" Barry, wins election in nation's capital!
• Kitty Kelly accuses Laura Bush of being a drug dealer.

Interesting Search Terms

• Robert Durst
• Nudist Sport
• Italians Do It Better

News

Entertainment

Technology

JGT Highlights

• The predominant story in August was Johnny's return to Mexico, and his encounter with H20. At least that's the story he keeps telling everyone, even now. The other big story was Johnny's abject failure to score with the Mexican women.
• WTF suffers most crushing defeat in Quizzo history.
• Grand Inquizzinator wins "Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes" Contest. Trivia Art concedes after the narrow loss.
• Rick James dies. Bitch.
• Russians have rubber woman rafting contest threatened by the mafia.

Interesting Search Terms

• weirdest website
• crapper
• super troopers car ramrod

JGT Highlights

• Kobayashi eats 53 1/2 hotdogs in 12 minutes.
• Mama Goodtimes wins again, nepotism charged.
• Goodtimes has laundry stolen by crackhead.
• Two men, smuggling 17 pounds of cocaine onboard a train, relax a little by smoking a joint.
• The Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes Contest takes place.
• Ern defects from the Jams to Yo!
• Couple has sex on stage during a concert to save the rainforest.

Interesting Search Terms

• Micki
• korsakoffs
• humansforsale

JGT Highlights

• Mary Kate Olsen doesn't get role of Skeletor in He-Man movie, decides to get fat.
• Johnny goes to Satanic rock concert.
• Tanya Harding gets Nancy Kerrigan style beatdown.
• Girl makes artwork out of ketchup at Good Dog.
• June was a big month for Grigorii Rasputin. First, it's discovered that his penis cures impotence. Then, his grandson shows up at the Bards.

Interesting Search Terms

(Terms people typed into a search engine to land at johnnygoodtimes.com)

• Lifesavers Candy
• Icyhot
• John Hinkley

JGT Highlights

• Amazing Hair Guy makes his first appearance on the website after Johnny takes picture of him at Phillies game.
• Broad Street Bullies' "Happy Dance" craze sweeps nation.
• Johnny has first run in with Hot Jersey Girls. He ended up dating one of them for a short period of time. (Does anyone really date hot Jersey girls for a long period of time?)
• Smarty Jones wins Kentucky Derby.
• Man brings ex-wife with him on honeymoon.
• Ridiculous accusations levelled at Johnny-that he sometimes puts girls on website just because they're cute.

Interesting Search Terms (Terms people typed into a search engine to land at johnnygoodtimes.com)

• Pocohantes
• Milt Thompson
• Muscles
• Squirrel Attacks
• johnny johnny johnny johnny johnny poop his pants poop pants lyrics

JGT Highlights

• "We Built This City" named worst song ever.
• Johnny has run-in with Mexican police.
• Damon Stoudamire's lawyers file appeal in his case. Stoudamire is the NBA player who went through metal detector at airport with marijuana wrapped in tinfoil.
• Boo Cubs, perennial last place finishers, pull off huge upset at O'Neals.
• Johnny gets shot down by bridesmaids .
• Goodtimes has another run-in with Mexican police.
• Popemobile towed.

Interesting Search Terms

• Broad Street Bullies
• Nudist Colonies
• Siegfried and Roy
• Schoolgirls

JGT Highlights

• Mama Goodtimes makes first appearance at quizzo.
• Philadelphia named ugliest city in America.
• Saint Joseph's Rides into NCAAs.
• Johnny Goodtimes comes to Good Dog.
• DirectTV accuses O.J. Simpson of pirating its signal.

Interesting Search Terms

• What two ships collided in the north atlantic on july 25th 1956?
• feeley
• Heather Mitts

JGT Highlights

• Milo and Beth get married; Johnny does wedding quizzo at the reception.
• Johnny Goodtimes Birthday (February 3rd)
• Adam Vinatieri leads Patriots to Super Bowl Victory.
• Johnny visits Lucy the elephant in Margate, NJ.
• Goodtimes jams finger.
• Goodtimes humiliated by City Paper staffers.

Interesting Search Terms

• jeremy roenick divorce
• henrietta holm
• homoerotic city of god
• heather mitts aj feeley
• nizzel

JGT Highlights

• The last Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular was held at the Centre Square Bar on Jan 8th.
• Britney Spears gets married.
• For only the second time in the history of JohnnyGoodtimes.com, Johnny featured hot girls on his web site. It was destined to not be the last.
• Britney Spears gets divorced.
• "Todd Wackendorfer III" and the Sulfer Clams won at Bards for the first time. Later it was revealed that Wackendorfer would attempt to walk to the South Pole in order to raise money for oranguatons.
• 4th and 26.
• First JGT appearance at Locust Rendezvous.
• Question of the Week became a regular feature.
• Johnny's first rants were posted to the web site.
• Johnny kicked out of McGillian's on New Years Day.

Interesting Search Terms

• "Who invented lifesavers"
• "his boy elroy"
• "amputated head"

What is Shediac, New Brunswick known as?

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times at Doc Watson's on Monday night. The Roll of Quarters was able to finally win a contest after a number of second place finishes, but one of the members of their team, Chester Longfellow, froze to death midway through the third round.

Not in the Face, a team that looked eerily similar to the Western Omelette, won at the Bards on Thursday night. The fact that White Wilt was even able to play was somewhat of a Christmas miracle, as earlier in the day he had shot the eye out after receiving
an official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time.

Bad Santa delivered on his promise to keep the dudes on La Salsa Caliente out of the team photo after their second straight victory, so that we could concentrate on the hot chicks on the team. The team, which had showed off its assets last week, kept it a little closer to the vest this week. But they still looked fine. Ho-ho-ho!

The Fire Hazards won again on Wednesday, despite the fact that they played in the Rendezvous' VIP room. "Yeah, we just had Johnny's voice pumped in," said Daisy Fernandez. "During the holiday season, we don't like to look at the less fortunate, such as Ern, so we prefer to play by ourselves."

The Defective Sidewalk finally knocked off the Western Omelette on Tuesday, coming up with a nice comeback in round four. But it wasn't all good news, as team member Thad Sidewalk saw the value of his posters go way down.

Santa Clause's cousin, Skippy Clause, was able to lead S2 to victory at O'Neals on Tuesday. "Yeah, Skippy's not as jolly as his cousin," said Navy Jay Neidermeyer. "But he's a hell of a lot smarter."

Take the X-Mas quiz!

Here's some interesting facts about "It's a Wonderful Life."

What would be the most clever title for a Christmas porn movie? Somebody last night at the Bards said it would be "The Twelve Inches of Christmas." Whoever comes up with the most clever title, I'll buy a beer for after the new year. Be sure to include your email address when you fill out an answer, so I can contact you if you win.

Wanna do something kool (with a k)in the spirit of the holiday? How about donating money to try and saveIsaiah Zagar's Magic Garden on 10th and South?

The Canadian Hooker Shortage was able to win a squeaker at the Bards last Thursday. (Sorry this is so late going up, things have been hectic lately.) The team, whose members wanted everyone to read this paper about the differences between hookers in Canada and Thailand, says that something drastic needs to happen soon, or Canada will have no more hookers. "Not true," replied Alan Thicke(below), who declined to elaborate.

Daddy's Favorite Sauce won at the Good Dog on Thursday night, knocking off Baldy, Fatty and the Big Ears, 91-85. And while the team refused to give up the secret ingredient of Daddy's Favorite Sauce, they were accomadating enough to give the recipe for Daddy's Favorite Meatloaf.

Here's a collection of some kool and unusual facts about Christmas.

Christmas in the Stars
Many have wondered how the George Lucas who wrote Indiana Jones, and directed the first Star Wars, I mean fourth Star Wars, could be the same person who subjected us to Jar Jar Binks. But lets face it, the writing has been on the wall for a long time. Ewoks. Need I say more? No I don't, because there is a Star Wars Christmas Album, Christmas in the Stars! And luckily this site critiques the album and even offers you the chance to listen.

Who was the voice of Sam the Snowman in Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer?

The Fire Hazards were able to win at the Rendezvous on Wednesday, but they really need to watch themselves. They've been hanging out with pre-weirdo Michael Jackson, the one who occasionally bursted into flames.

The Western Omelette was able to tie the Goats for most wins at the Bards after trailing for over a year. Meanwhile, Thad Sidewalk has been raking in the money, as this week he became the poster child for runner up.

Team Hater was able to win at O'Neals on Tuesday, then took the time to promote the latest venture from Styx...a cover version of I am the Walrus. Seriously.

The Ocean's Drunks were able to pull it out at Doc Watson's on Monday night. The team had been a group of teetottalers, but when they saw how bad Ocean's 12 sucked, they started drinking heavily, and haven't stopped since.

Quizzo legend Ern P. Kern turns 32 today. Happy birthday Ern!!!

You might imagine that Jessica Simpson's father is a proud pappa, but did you expect him to go on raving about Jessica's breasts? Well he did. "If you put [Jessica Simpson] in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's. You can't cover those suckers up."

La Salsa Caliente was able to pull off an impressive two point victory over the Rocket Scientists on Wednesday night. The team was quick to show off it's assets. "We're not just a bunch of flat-assed nerds, Johnny," said Jillian Assenmacher. "That's right," said Thad Butts. "Funkadelic had it all wrong. Free your mind and your ass will follow? I don't think so. I say free your ass, then your mind will follow. I think we proved that here tonight."

Here's your chance to join the USFL fan club! Learn more about the last Philadelphia sports team to win a major title, the Philadelphia Stars! Also, tell me who you think the most overrated hottie in Hollywood is on the message board.

Fox is going to have a new reality show called "Who's Your Daddy?" For more details of this awful show, read here. Sadly, it doesn't involve Big Daddy Kane (Johnny's favorite lyricist of the 1980's, by the way.) Nor does it involve Robert Young. (Fans of mid 1950s television are laughing their heads off right now.)

This is an article by someone who apparently thinks that Bob Jones University has gotten a little too liberal. (BJU is the school where, when W spoke there in 2000, still did not allow interracial dating.) Check out #5, "Worldliness promoted." I really can't tell if this person is being a smart-ass or is completely out of their mind (i.e. eye shadow, Shakespeare, and opera are all evil).

What precedent was set by Emilio Marcos Palma's birth on January 7, 1978?

Hospitals Cover Up Lance Armstrong LiveStrong Bracelets

A hospital chain is taping over patients' LiveStrong wristbands because they are yellow; the same color as the "do not resuscitate" bands it puts on patients who do not want to be saved if their heart stops.

Good clean Christian fun was had at the Good Dog on thursday night, as the Big Ass Pie was able to hold off Remember the Shuttlecocks, 96-86. "This is great," said Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz. "I mean, I'd prefer that alcohol not be involved, but still, this seems like good Christian fun for the whole family.

Photos of Johnny spanking birthday girl Kristen Szzywzjzkwoski were released on Friday night, infuriating Paul Wolfowitz. "What in the name of all that's good and holy is going on here?" asked the Deputy. "Now do you people see why I so strongly favor preemptive action? If we had terminated Goodtimes with extreme predjudice a few years ago, our children wouldn't be subjected to this garbage."

WTF was able to win at Black Sheep on Wednesday, but the real story was how good Johnny looked. "Yeah, I mean Johnny looked fine," said Bopper, "But I'd prefer to talk about how our knowledge of World War Two was able to-" Johnny's sportcoat seemed to really look sharp, and the fact that he had a shirt to match was almost too much. "Yeah, nice coat. Anyways, we even knew Rudolph Hess and Ira Hayes. That to me-" Of course, the expensive haircut Johnny got a few weeks ago hasn't been hurting him either. "...Is a good indication of how far we have come as a-" The beard really seemed to go well with the sportcoat. Did we mention that Johnny's single?

Yo! Ern was able to win a nailbiter at the Vous on Wednesday night, but the real action didn't start until later that night, when a drunken Mike Tyson jumped on Ern's '73 Camaro and started punching the hood. "I was scared out of my mind," said Ern. Tyson, no big fan of Ern's, released this statement earlier today (below).

The Western Omelette was able to win at the Bards on Tuesday night for the fourth time in the last five weeks, holding off the Defective Sidewalk, 91-89, when the Sidewalk scratched out a correct answer, and put down a wrong answer in round four. The good news was that team member Thad Sidewalk was paid big money to be the new posterboy for defeat.

The whispers grew louder at O'Neals this past week as S2 allowed BALCO president Victor Conte to play with their team. S2 was able to win, but by allowing a man who has been connected to Giambi, Bonds, and Sheffield to play on their squad, red flags certainly went up. The Quizzers Union seemed unfazed. "We could give a s*** about the health and honesty of our quizzers," said Union Prez Ronald Behr, "Just as long as those $25 gift certificates keep rolling in."

Ken Jennings is Our B**** was able to come away with a victory at Doc's on Monday. The team, which has been accused of kidnapping Ken Jennings shortly after his historic streak ended, locking him in their basement and making him, well, their b****, has denied all charges. "Did we put a gag ball in his mouth shortly after he lost to Nancy Zerg?" asked team member Brent "Switchblade" Sampson. "Yes. The photographs prove it. But we let him go shortly after that. Do you really think I could keep a guy with that cute of a smile in my basement for days on end, subsisting on nothing but water and scraps, begging for mercy as we mentally, physically, and spiritually abused him, after he costed us big money by not winning 75 in a row? I think not."

Barry Bonds's minor league baseball card. This should dispel any steroid rumors.

Finally, your chance to learn more about Tony! Toni! Tone!

Why do we use the word "dude"? A linguist explains.

After beating Ken Jennings on Jeopardy on November 30th, how much money did Nancy Zerg finish with in her first defense of her title on December 1st?

When Johnny's camera crapped out on Monday night, he had to borrow one from a foreigner who told Johnny he would e-mail the photo to Johnny. It has still not been received. There are some who might say that this foreigner was as cold as ice, and indeed this behavior got Johnny hot-blooded. It was urgent that he send Johnny the photo, but that didn't happen. This had never happened before. It felt like the first time. Oh well, one of the guys that was on the Doc's team also won at the Dog, so you can look at that photo.

Ken Jennings: H & R Blockhead was able to do what Ken Jennings could not do this week-win the big one. The Blockheads were able to fight off a valiant Chris and the Quizhoes squad, 97-95. Afterward, Ken Jennings was not pleased. "Yeah, real funny," said Jennings (below). "I'd like for those idiots to keep in mind that I won a little bit more than a $30 gift certificate."

My Boy Blue acquitted themselves of Trial By Cheese at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, 88-81, then used their moment in the spotlight to come to the aid of a cause they truly believed in: the stripping of Ben Johnson's gold medal at the 1988 Olympics. "Just like Barry Bonds, Ben took something unknowingly. I mean somebody slipped some performance enhancing drugs into his drink. Why is that so hard to believe?" asked Chastity Jackson of My Boy Blue. "Frankly, I think he was framed because he's Canadian. And I bet that dude in the pink shorts had something to do with it."

The Jams held off their despised foes, Yo! Ern, at the Rendezvous on Wednesday night, winning by a score of 100-95. When asked what they do for fun, the members of the Jams said that they like to take acid and then go to Michael Sembello's website, where they watch what is unquestionably the craziest thing ever to appear on the World Wide Web. (Yes, this is the same guy that sang "Maniac".)

For the third time in the last four weeks, the Western Omelette had a perfect round four, an impressive feat. "I don't remember any group being this hot," said Gabriel Majorski, "Since WHAM! toured Asia."

The Short Bus Pilots, whose enormous collection of third place t-shirts had required that they build a new closet, was finally able to finish in the money and walk off with a victory at O'Neals on Tuesday. "We couldn't have done it without Hall and Oates," said Stanley Dewgood of the Pilots. "And don't ask me why John looks so small in the photo. He looks a lot bigger in person."

I've been trying to interview Todd Carmichael for a while, because he's going to do something rather ridiculous, and I love the ridiculous. Todd, the owner of La Colombe coffee, is going to hike to the South Pole to raise money for orangutans. Yeah, you heard me right. Todd, who has not done almost any physical training (but has quit smoking) in anticipation of this adventure, is trying to raise awareness of this animal, which will be extinct in less than 10 years if something doesn't happen soon.

He told me to meet him at the Loews Hotel to do the interview on Monday morning, because he was going to be there to make an appearance on the local TV show 10!, which airs every morning on NBC 10 at 10 o'clock. Early on in the interview, Lauren Hart, co-host of the show and answer to this week's question of the week, wandered over and began chatting with us. The result was a rather strange and interesting conversation, and I had the tape recorder rolling the whole time. Here are the highlights of that conversation.

You asked for more Hall and Oates, you get more Hall and Oates. Here's a hilarious interview they did. They're actually pretty funny.

A grain of cereal shaped like E.T. sold for big bucks on E-Bay.

Alexa celebrated her birthday by playing on the team that finished last at the Bards on Tuesday. Way to go, Alexa!!!

Here's the hot new music video that's sweeping the nation: Cows With Guns!