November 2004 Archives

This cutie, pictured above with Johnny, is the co-host of NBC's morning show, 10! (The exclamation point is part of the show's name, not Johnny preferred punctuation mark for the previous sentence.) Who is she? (The question mark is the preferred punctuation mark in this instance.)

The Goats were able to hold off the red hot Western Omelette at the Bards on Tuesday night. The Goats, displaying the type of knowledge that has made them...Hey wait a minute! Those aren't Goats, those are Turkeys!!!

The Blues Clues were able to pull off their second victory in four weeks, this time at Doc Watson's. But the blue dog from Blues Clues refused to pose for the team photo without an appearance fee, and Johnny had to get Spongebob instead.

Team Hater was "Viktorious" at O'Neals on Tuesday night, as they were able to enlist both Ukrainian Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovich and challenger Viktor Yushchenko on their sides. In a rare display of national unity, the two men were able to play on the same team, and Yanukovich actually knew how big the largest turkey ever was. Yushchenko, sensing an opening, said that Johnny was wrong, that the largest turkey ever weighed 200 pounds and was trying to suppress the will of the Ukrainian people. That's when things turned ugly.

In a surprising twist to Dan Rather's announced retirement, the CBS News anchorman revealed why he is stepping out of the newsroom: He wants to become a full-time Quizzo player. "Ever since I was a kid," says Rather, "I wanted to play professional quizzo. But things back then were so primitive, I realized I could never make a living at it. But now that Johnny Goodtimes is giving away such luxurious prizes, I feel like I can give up my day job and pursue my dream. I mean, do you know how far a $25 gift certificate goes at the Rendezvous?" Rather's first quizzo contest was a success, as he teamed up with the boys of 1022 to pull off a victory on Wednesday.

The River of Rocks were victorious on Wednesday night at the Black Sheep, but were highly disappointed when they found out that Johnny had photoshopped a Spongebob character for their story. "Didn't Johnny already use Spongebob in an earlier story?" asked Thad Mistletree of the Rocks. "I mean, if I didn't know better, I'd say Johnny was mailing this one in." Hanna Plumber agreed. "The starfish character isn't even that amusing. That blue octopus though, that thing is funny."

Take the Turkey Day Quiz! Oh, and here's a recipe for turducken. Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!

Hey, anybody going to Virginia for Thanksgiving who would like to give a ride to an international megastar? Please let me know. Don't worry, I won't have Turkey dinner with you and your family. I just need the ride. It would be preferable if you are a hot asian female, but at this point, I'll take a ride from pretty much anyone.

This is hilarious. It's the home page of some guy in Turkey, trying to convince women to come visit him.

Which President made Thanksgiving a regular national holiday? (Washington and some others celebrated it, but none made it official until this guy.)

Vanilla Ice has to pay fine after his wallaroo escapes. Seriously. (By the way, the above photo is of White Wilt and his manager, the Red Scare. He's a lot like Vanilla Ice, only not as kool.)

All new members of the Johnny Goodtimes 100 Point Club will be welcomed to the club by none other than Wilt Chamberlain! (the original Wilt, not the White Wilt).

The WTF was able to fight off a pesky Eastern Omelette team at the Black Sheep. The Omelette, playing with just two members of the full time squad, almost pulled off the upset, but the WTFers squeezed it out at the end, 102-98. The big news came after the contest, when it was discovered that Big Bopper of WTF had been chosen to take Ol' Dirty Bastard's spot in the Wu-Tang Clan. "This came as a shock to me, Johnny," said a dumbfounded Bopper. "I mean, I'm a tax attorney with very limited rhyme skills. But the RZA said I had 'flava', and that's what the crew was looking for. Ya best Protect ya Neck, Johnny."

Yo-Ern won at the Rendezvous on Wednesday, rebounding from their controversial loss the week before. But the big news came on Friday, when it was discovered that Ern was the fan who threw the cup at Ron Artest and started that melee in Detroit (photo, below). "I only did it for his own good. Now he's got plenty of time to promote his new rap album."

Fred Hale, the world's oldest man, led the Western Omelette to victory on Tuesday, 109-98 over the Goats. It was the 2nd straight week in which the Omelette had answered all 4th round questions correctly, a new JGT record. After the match, Hale was ecstatic. "First the Red Sox win the Series, then I get a win at quizzo! I can finally die in peace." And die he did, just two weeks shy of his 114th birthday. "It's a shame," said Gabriel Fittipaldi of the Omelette. "It just goes to show how quickly it can all be taken away. I mean, there was Fred, answering questions, slamming Irish car bombs one minute, and the next minute he's dead." Added White Wilt, "None of us saw this coming. I mean, he was only 113. At least he went out on top."

I'll Wear Your Ass for a Hat was able to hold off the Rice Water Stools of Doc Watson's at the Good Dog on Thursday. It was a real gunfight, and both teams shot the lights out, with a final score of 106-105. Oh wait, those lights weren't shot out. It looks like Ass for Hat member Doug Curbside was stepping on the electrical cord and killing the juice, just like he kept doing during the contest.

A tearful Johnny Goodtimes had to apologize for Nicolette Sheridan's recent behavior during quizzo at O'Neals on Tuesday. "I know that fans of Johnny Goodtimes are upset," said Goodtimes on the steps of the Capitol building, "And possibly even offended by the fact that during the entire quizzo, Sheridan did not take a piece of clothing off, much less bare herself to anyone. I know that my fans expect and deserve raunchy publicity stunts, and that Sheridan's clean-cut behavior on Tuesday was unwarranted and an affront to everything I stand for." A spokesman for the winning team, S2, said in a statement, "I just wish Nicollette would think about the adolescent boys she's hurting by keeping all those clothes on."

The Rice Water Stools were able to hold on for a close victory at the Doc's on Monday night. "We wanted to celebrate our victory by going to see a movie," said team member Jeff Spartacus. "But there was nothing we really wanted to see, so we just took in Affleck's new one, Surviving Christmas. It was awesome. I highly recommend it."

Johnny wants to wish Mindi from Big Ass Pie a happy birthday! If anyone else has a birthday or a friends birthday coming up next week, please let Johnny know.

Was the TO situation all about race? Here's also a link to Rush Limbaugh's thought on the incident, which I actually wasn't appalled by. In fact, I agreed with a lot of what he said. But then, at the bottom, a clearly racist mom calls the show. And the best part is, I bet she voted on Nov. 2 on "morals". Read and respond to Johnny's thoughts on the controversy on the message board.

Here's way too much information on the Kool Aid Man. Some dude did a bunch of research on him. Oh, just found another one on Kool Aid Man. This might even be funnier. It does a complete character profile, complete with rankings in ten different categories. Also, check the message board and let me know if there's any duo with a more divergent career path than Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari.

Hey gang, The GivingThanks Gala will be taking place on Friday, November 19th at 7:30pm at the Millennium Ballroom in the Loews Philadelphia Hotel (1200 Market Street). All of the proceeds from this event will go toward Philacares, a great local charity. It is a semi-formal event, featuring an open bar, a silent auction, and live music by the Cardiac AllStars. Tickets are $75 and all of the proceeds will go towards supporting a fantastic charity. For more info on how you can help the less fortunate in our community and to learn what Philacares is all about, click here. To order tickets to this event., click here.

Playboy has just selected it's Girls of McDonald's. (Don't worry, the link goes to an article on CNN.com, not Playboy.)

Kristen, of Do It Again, celebrated her birthday recently. If you have a birthday coming up or another announcement you'd like to share with the JGT community, please contact me. Also, remember, if you wanna request a song, just click on the Request Song link on the right.

Here's a story in the Daily News about Johnny's favorite hangout, Manyunk.

A group of guys that play quizzo sometimes at Doc's were able to turn Vladimir vodka into Ketel One vodka through a simple filtration system, and show you how you can do the same!!!

Who are the only two people to win Nobel Prizes in more than one field?

In what is sure to be an embarrasment for Johnny Goodtimes for years to come, the JGT Ethics Committee has reversed last Wednesdays decision of a Yo-Ern victory and given the victory to the 2nd place Jams! "The question about William Carrier was a mistake," said Ethics Committee chairman Jimmy "Superfly" Kielbasa. "A huge mistake. The correct answer was indeed Air Conditioner, not refridgerator. The Jams had AC, and Yo-Ern had iron. Therefore, we must award the victory to the Jams." As for Goodtimes, he held a tearful press conference on the steps of Capitol Hill on Sunday. "I want to apologize to the people who I've hurt with this pathetic mistake. To the families, and most of all to the children, I say..." Johnny's voice then trailed off and he began sobbing uncontrollably. It is expected that the punishment of the Ethics Committee will be severe. If anyone has any ideas for what Johnny's punishment for this boneheaded mistake should be, write it below under comments.

Trivia Art, rebounding from his loss to the Grand Inquizzanator a few months back, was able to fill in admirably for Goodtimes while the King of Quizzo was being revered by his fans. In fact, No Johnny No Problem could have cared less about JGT not being in the building. "Yeah, at least Trivia Art knows the difference between a fridge and an air conditioner," said Thad Stallworth of the winners (see Rendezvous story for explanation). "Goodtimes? We don't need no stinking Goodtimes."

The Philadelphia Reach Around, playing for the first time, was able to knock off the competition at the Black Sheep on Wednesday. The PRA was aided by Dick Cheney, who apparently had a few too many. "Yeah, Dick was trashed," said team member Stanley Alworth. "He had like seven Flaming Dr. Peppers. Then the next day he went into the hospital for a quote unquote 'cold.' We just had to laugh our asses off."

The Western Omelette performed like Dream Team I on Tuesday, blowing their competition out of the water. They defeated the second place Goats 110-77. Things almost turned ugly in round four when White Wilt (in a relatively obscure reference) elbowed an Angolan in the ribs.

The Blues Clues pulled off a major upset at O'Neals on Tuesday, knocking off Team Hater and S2. The father/daughter team did not have long to enjoy their success, however, as their friend Blue was sued for trademark infringement on Wednesday by Huckleberry Hound. "That did it! That did it!" said Huckleberry. "That smarty aleck crook carried on like their was never no blue cartoon dog before." Hound has retained the services of the law firm of Tony, Toni, and Tone.

The Rabid Frenchies were able to knock off the competition at Doc Watson's on Monday night, monsieur. Oui, oui. La poisson rouge es mon frere. Sorry, the only French I know is "The goldfish is my brother."

A sad one. Ol' Dirty Bastard, one of the most intereting and original rappers in the game, passed away suddenly at age 35. As for the stories of the week, sorry it's taking a while, but I'll have 'em up by tonight.

Ralph Nader is demanding a recount!!! Johnny briefly discusses last night's party on the message board. (It's the response to "Your 3 fans want to know.")

You're going to enjoy this one. It's a letter to the editor revealing that Jesus wanted Republicans to win the presidency.

Due to Johnny's attendance at the City Paper Choice Awards Spectacular at the Metro Lounge (minions and crazed fans will be allowed in at 10:00 p.m., if you all are interested), Trivia Art will be filling in for Johnny tonight at the Good Dog. Action begins at 8:00 p.m.

Are you kidding me? A Howard Eskin bobblehead doll in a fur coat? I've never rooted for PETA before, but now I'm not so sure. If you want one, better head to (get it, head to? No, you get out!) kingbobblehead.com.

If you read last week's City Paper, or have spent more than 15 seconds with Johnny over the last week and a half, you know that he was awarded "Best Dolphin Trainer Turned Quizmaster" by the good people at that fine publication. Therefore, he has been invited to a winner's reception at Metro Lounge next Thursday. Now, Johnny needs a classy, beautiful date for that reception. If you can handle sharing the spotlight with an egomaniacal international megastar, please send Johnny a photo and an explanation of why you deserve to be Johnny's guest to this highly prestigious event.

Who created the statue of William Penn on top of City Hall?

This is just incredible: a tournament featuring the most tyrannical despots of the last one hundred years to find out who is the most evil man in the world. Just go to the site and click on the first dictators contest. Also, be sure to check out Johnny's remarks about Terrell Owens on the message board.

We Need a John and Quit Using the Bushes was able to pull off a narrow defeat at Doc Watson's on Monday night. But their hard earned victory came with a price: shortly after the contest, three of the team members were stabbed to death by Dick Cheney. "We don't need a bunch of wise asses like these if we want to achieve a new world ord-I mean an honorable conservative agenda," said Cheney before slinking back into the shadows.

Team Hater pulled out yet another victory at O'Neals on Tuesday, but refused the post game photo op. "To us, it's not about bestowing glory upon ourselves," said Jay R. Ewing of the Haters. "It's about bestowing glory upon the biggest badass band of all time: Tony! Toni! Tone!"

The Soon to be Canadians not only won at the Good Dog on Thursday, they also got to meet a couple of their soon to be co-citizens, Keanu Reeves and Pam Anderson. "Yeah, they were kool," said Thad Stallworth of the victors, "But I woulda preferred to meet Alan Thicke."

The Good News on Wednesday was that the Red Rocks won at the Black Sheep. It was a blowout, as the Rocks defeated the 2nd place squad by a score of 110-81. The bad news, of course, was that Anne Coulter wasn't hit by a bus.

John Quizzo Adams, a team neamed after the fifth prez of the USA, was able to win a squeaker at the Rendezvous on Wednesday. "Yeah, J.Q. was a decent president, but we really appreciated the work he did for our friends at Colt 45. He was Billy Dee before there was a Billy Dee."

Longstreet Lost the War was able to pull off a shocker on Tuesday night at the Bards, holding off the Goats, 109-107. Longstreet then immediately flew to Washington, where he was honored by Bush and Cheney during their victory speech. "I would never stab a good American like Longstreet," said Dick Cheney.

Aparna the Robot was able to squeak past the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, 83-78, at the Brownstein Group's party on Friday. There were a lot of hot gals working there who were apparently intimidated by Johnny's celebrity status, because none of them asked the award winner for his phone number. That must have been it. There's simply no other plausible explanation. Another unfortunate turn of events: Dan H. refused to reprise his award winning rendition of "Crazy Lil' Thing Called Love."

Former writer for a San Jose newspaper blasts Terrell Owens. To see what Johnny thinks of TO, go to the message board.

McDonalds only wants skinny people appearing in their commercials.

This one is hilarious! It might take a couple of seconds to load, but it's well worth it. It Bush's final attack ad versus Kerry. Thanks to Tracy for sending me this link. Also, things on the message board are getting pretty heated, if anyone cares to chime in.

Here's a breakdown of how people voted by race, age, gender, income, etc. Pretty interesting. Also, I hear Toronto isn't such a bad city to move to. If you're interested in leaving the country for four years and moving north, here's what you can expect. If you're wondering about how Award Winner Johnny Goodtimes feels about the whole election, check out "What went Wrong" on the message board.

Johnny Goodtimes will be hosting the Johnny Goodtimes Comedy Spectacular on Sunday, November 7th at Doc Watson's (11th and Locust) at 8:30 p.m. Comedians on the bill include Dan Goodman, Chip Chantry, Tim Grill, and Steve Zorbalas. There will be $2 domestics and $3 imports. The show will take place on the third floor of Watson's which is an absolutely great place to see comedy. Tickets are only $7. For more info, shoot Johnny an email.

After being reamed by Jon Stewart, Crossfire hosts Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala booked Conan O'Brian's Triumph the Insult Comic Dog yesterday.

Happy Birthday to Doc Watson bartender Jason, who turned 22 (roughly) recently!

Why the electoral college blows. The writer of this article disagrees, but he's a moron. Does he really think that Americans would vote for Lyndon LaRouche if their was no electoral college? What a toolbox.

Answer questions about the Presidents as you watch the results unfold on television, as Johnny hosts his 28th annual Election Spectacular tonight!

Send me your Halloween photos so I can put them on the site! Just click on "Contact Johnny" on the right and send me an email. Also, let me know which prez you would most like to have a beer with by posting your answer on the message board. Stories about last week's winners are below.

This year's election could come down to...dead people!

Who took over as President upon Garfield's assassination?