October 2004 Archives

City Paper named Johnny Goodtimes best quizzo master in their Choice Awards issue. And while the acknowledgement of "Best Dolphin Trainer Turned Quizmaster" was a great honor, Johnny was even more overjoyed at the fact that the good people of Philadelphia voted him "Best Local Celebrity," defeating the likes of AI, TO, and Hurricane Schwartz. Thanks, peeps!!! The City Paper article is written below.

Best Dolphin Trainer Turned Quizzo-Master
Quizzo masters can be lots of fun or very, very painful. (What's the deal with the guy who peppers his questions with commentary like "I think [insert historical figure here] was a little fruity"?) Luckily for us, every weeknight there's a Quizzo owned and operated by one Johnny Goodtimes, who combines a serious trivia obsession with the knowledge that these things are supposed to be fun, people! And how many so-called Quizzo "masters" out there can claim they spent years training dolphins in Hawaii? We almost lost Goodtimes this year to a sea-lion gig in Mexico (you can't make this stuff up), but he turned it down for the love of Philly Quizzo. Aw.

So go grab a copy and read it in good old fashioned news print or follow this link and check out the rest of the Choice Award Winners.

Just another day in the life for the Goats at the Bards on Tuesday, as they knocked off Jorge de la Rosa 90-82. For once, nothing strange, unusual, or controversial occurred during that nights quizzo. It was just a...OH MY GOD!!! WHAT IN THE HELL HAPPENED TO THEIR HEADS????

Though Dwayne "The Brain" McClain's victory at Doc's has been officially disputed, Johnny has decided to post them as the winners regardless. "Oh, come on," said Hidalgo Monsignor of 3rd Place Suck It Trebek. "I mean, they had that giant brain with mystical powers sitting on the table, and Johnny didn't disqualify them? And I get in trouble if I use my cell phone?" Johnny says that giant mystical brains don't count as "electronic devices" and, for now at least, they are still permissible.

All Quiz and no play make Deep Fat Fryer a dull team. All Quiz and no play make Deep Fat Fryer a dull team. All Quiz and no play make Deep Fat Fryer a dull team. All Quiz and no play make Deep Fat Fryer a dull team. All Quiz and no play make Deep Fat Fryer a dull team. All Quiz and no play make Deep Fat Fryer a dull team. All Quiz and no play make Deep Fat Fryer a dull team. All Quiz and no play make Deep Fat Fryer a dull team. All Quiz and no play make Deep Fat Fryer a dull team.

Meatloaf, filling in for the Big Bopper, was able to lead WTF to their second straight victory. "It was nice to have Meatloaf on the squad," said Matt Eisenstein, "But he refused to tell us exactly what it is that he won't do for love."

Holy cow, Trial By Cheese!!! You guys may have just won at Locust Rendezvous, but it looks like Jason has infiltrated your ranks and is now going to kill you in a most gruesome fashion!!! Oh, wait a minute. That's not Jason. That's just Steve. The moustache gives him away.

S2 was finally able to win at O'Neals on Tuesday, marking their first victory since 1980. O'Neals, which celebrated it's 25th anniversary this past week, had not born witness to an S2 victory since the week of their first anniversary in 1980, when the above photo was taken. Tempers were kept in check between Team Hater and the Gorgonzols or whatever the hell they are after a heated back and forth in last week's comments.

Here's an interesting explanation of the defamation of Edgar Allan Poe's character after his death. By the way, if you haven't already visited the EA Poe House here in Philly (7th and Spring Garden), I HIGHLY recommend it. I like it even better than the Mutter Museum.

PHILADELPHIA, PA (October 29, 2004) - In a battle of Philadelphia's favorite acronyms, who would have guessed that the winner would not be TO or AI, but JGT? In a contest held by Philadelphia's City Paper, former dolphin trainer turned quizmaster Johnny Goodtimes was voted "Best Local Celebrity" in what was unquestionably the biggest upset in America since...well, since the Red Sox won the World Series.

Read Johnny Goodtimes' story about the origins of baseball at The Aurelian, an online magazine started by the guys who won last week at O'Neals.

That's right, folks, the worst director in the history of Hollywood recently had his final feature film uncovered, a spooky porn shot in 1971!!! Right before Halloween! How great is that!

Happy Birthday to Greg and Neil, who played last night at the Bards. If you have a b-day coming up, please let Johnny know, so we can get your pic on the website.

Here's a history of halloween.

Here's a "how to" on scoring with supermodels! Also, here's the website of the Libertarian candidate for President, Michael Badnarik. Also, there is a fairly hearty debate over the electoral college going on on the message board. You might wanna check it out.

Here's a fairly interesting article about the electoral college. Here's a defense of the electoral college. For Johnny's thoughts, check the message board.

On October 31, 1864, this became our 36th state.

WTF was able to edge two time defending champ La Salsa Caliente at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night. "Hair Guy doesn't really help us with answers," said Big Bopper. "But the broads on our team get all pissed if we don't invite him."

Daddy's Favorite Sauce blew away the competition at Good Dog on Thursday, then watched in horror as Castro took his second major fall in a week. "I didn't even realize Castro was here," said Lance Carpenter, "Until he slipped and hit his head on our table. He was unconscious, so we called the ambulance. Then we ate his chicken fingers."

Yo-Ern! was able to win at Locust Rendezvous on Tuesday night for the sixth time in seven weeks, and are unquestionably the hottest team in JGT quizzo right now. But that heat has brought with it pressure and unprecedented media scrutiny. Ern appears to be cracking under the pressure, refusing to be photographed and hiring private security to escort him to and from matches. Stay tuned...

The Western Omelette, playing with a Smokey and the Bandit defector and Roscoe P. Coltrane, was able to pull off a victory at the Bards on Tuesday night. The Omelette was playing without White Wilt, but in a display of his world reknowned hubris, Wilt showed up in just in time (surprise!) for the team photo. It was thought that Coltrane at one point called Wilt a "Geek! Geek! Geek! Geek! Geek!", but it turns out, that's just the way Roscoe laughs.

In a story that has shaken the sports world to it's very core, the reason behind the Yankees collapse in the ALCS was made evident on Tuesday night: The Babe's ghost has been playing quizzo, instead of cursing the Red Sox! The ghost, playing with Shrimps, Hoagies, and Gabbagools on Tuesday, was once again victorious in October. When reached for comment, the Babe said, "Oh, come on. I'm just so sick of haunting those bastards, it was time to do something else. Besides, the Yanks can hold a three games to zero lead without me." In other news, Team Hater, considered by many to be the Yankees of quizzo, scored only 44 points this week and walked out of O'Neals in shame before the contest concluded, saying they had to get home to watch the Real World. Feel free to comment on Haters sportsmanship in the comments section below.

Caleahla Wrap was able to hold off Vinnie Is Hung Like A Can of Tuna at Doc Watson's on Monday night, 84-72. But the story that seemed to get the most media attention was the brand new record, set by Car and Kar (below) of only 18 points. The old record, 19, had been set by a team of Italians who barely spoke the English language. (In case you're wondering, they never took Johnny up on his offer of free champagne, and Johnny never saw the hot Italian chick again. Damn!)

It may not have been the fall that many wanted to see, but Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro went down hard, and who doesn't want to see video of that?

Hey, here's the proof of one of this week's true or false questions: that Republicans enjoy sex more than Democrats.

I'm a little late on this one, but I did want to wish Heather of Western Omelette (far left) a happy birthday!

A dolphin i saw being born in 2001 is in the news, thanks to getting surgery done on his dorsal fin. And though I didn't work with the guy in the photo, a bunch of my friends did, and they all say he's a total prick.

Hey gang, please vote for Johnny Goodtimes in the City Paper People's Choice Awards. My categories are under Entertainment and Nightlife (Best Quizzo and Best Event Recurring) and also under Personalities (Best Local Celebrity). Free chili dogs for everyone who votes for me*.

*not true

To see what Johnny has to say about Yankee fans in Philly, check out the message board. BTW, the baseball games will be on at all of the JGT Quizzoes tonight, so you will not miss them by playing quizzo.

Jon Stewart defends his Crossfire appearance. (If you haven't seen the Crossfire appearance, I highly suggest you scroll down a little bit and dowload it.) If you have a phone line, here's the transcript of the show.

High Times is endorsing John Kerry. But fear not, Republicans. Pat Buchanan is officially endorsing Bush!

Hey, if any single men between the ages of 21-35 want an opportunity to win big money on an upcoming national reality/game show, please be sure to attend the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular for the next couple of weeks. Johnny will be helping to cast for this program, as yet untitled. There is no entry fee. If Johnny thinks you've got the right stuff, you will earn an opportunity to try out in front of LA casting directors on October 22 at Philadelphia Casting here in Philadelphia. The right stuff is not in the traditional TV sense (this ain't the Bachelor), but in an intellectual sense. I myself will be trying out. And you will have the opportunity to make a national TV appearance and win BIG MONEY!

What was the name of the DJ for Public Enemy in the 1980s, the man who only "Speaks with his hands"?

Have you guys seen Jon Stewart's performance on Crossfire yet? If not, you have to see this! This is the full interview where he calls Tucker Carlson a dick on national tv.

The Goats seem to be hitting their stride, as they wiped out their opponents handily at the Bards on Tuesday night. It seems that the Goats just can't be...HEY WAIT!!! Those aren't Goats! Those are anteaters!!!

Mookie was able to lead the Slagminers past Yo-Ern, stopping their five week winning streak. Sadly, one of the questions in the impossible round was able to slip through Bill Buckners legs, costing Yo-Ern dearly and allowing Mookie and friends to escape with a victory.

A team calling itself the Indictment Free City Hall Workers was indicted by FBI agents shortly after winning at the Good Dog on Thursday night. "We knew they were around here somewhere," said Spanky "Garth" Yellowstone of the FBI. ""They were only three left that hadn't been indicted other than the mayor, but I'm pretty sure he didn't commit any wrongdoing. Anyway, Johnny had seen a McGruff the Crime Dog commercial earlier in the day, so he knew who to call when he saw these criminals. Johnny's much more than just some cheesy game show host: he's a crime fighter." So So and the Blah Blah's (below) put in a so-so performance, and finished second.

Vinnie and the gang welcomed Johnny back to the place where it all began, as I'm Back blew out the competition to win at Nick's, defeating the Quizlamic Jihad, 101-85. Sadly, Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington was unable to attend.

La Salsa Caliente esta en fuego, as they won for the second straight week at Black Sheep, leaving their foes scratching their Missing Heads. In other news, a really hot girl and her date finished last and got a plastic unicorn. And I'm not sure, but I got the impression that the hot girl was completely out of her f****** mind.

Dick Cheney's Stockholders, a team of young right wingers, was able to win big at Doc Watson's on Monday night. They also took advantage of their time in the media spotlight to talk about the good side of Halliburton. "Listen, when people say bad things about Halliburton, they're talking about the old Halliburton," said team member Thadley Nickerson III. "The old Halliburton sold Libya and Iraq oil drilling weapons which could be used to detonate nuclear devices and overcharged the army for food and fuel. The new Halliburton cuts people's lawns, and brings you chicken noodle soup when you don't feel well. At Halliburton, it's out with the old and in with the new!"

Flashing like a lightning bolt
I AM the violet flame
Stretching through the galaxies
I AM the violet flame
Connecting soul and Spirit now
I AM the violet flame
Raising you to cosmic heights
I AM the violet flame

For more information on the violet flame and what this spiritual fire can do for you, Team Hater, and Dick Cheney, please click on this and the links below. I swear, I did not do any of the photoshopping you are about to see.
Home Page
Dick Cheney

Screw A.I. and T.O. In the truest sense of the word, Manute Bol is the biggest sports hero to ever come out of Philly. He gave all the money he earned in his NBA career to help his countrymen in Sudan, and the money he has made in charity events since then has been given to help orphans in Sudan. Then, in June, he was in a horrific car accident and he has been in the hospital ever since, racking up a huge hospital bill he cannot possibly pay for. Let's show Manute why Philly sports fans are the best in the world (excluding, of course, the mental midgets who ruin it for everybody else at the Linc) . Donations can be sent to:
Manute Bol Medical and Special Needs Fund
c/o Fleet Bank
4 N. Main Street
West Hartford, Conn 06107

Hounded by women, despised by jealous quizzo players, Quizzo legend Ern R. Kern has been forced to go into hiding. "The heavy drugs, the beautiful women, the late night bar fights; it was all fun at first, but now it's just getting out of control," said the phenom. "I have to wear a disguise now just to go to the grocery store, or I might get molested by a gorgeous woman or sucker- punched by a jealous fan. Fame is certainly a double edged sword."

Alright, it's time for Johnny to start kicking ass again. Hey, Philadelphia Weekly, how about ANOTHER cover story about real estate next week!! What's this, like four in the last two months? Don't worry, stories about real estate never get boring! That's why "Real Estate Illustrated" has so many loyal subscribers. Hey, if I see a guy walking around wearing a Ralph Lauren polo shirt with the collar up, and I shoot him, has a crime really been committed? That's it!! I'm throwing away my washing machine. What the hell. I mean, I'll put clothes in on a Tuesday, and the water kicks in on a Thursday. No lie. Speaking of laundry, I've got a personal message for the crackhead who stole my laundry: Give it back! I saw you a couple of weeks ago at a resaurant near my house, but I didn't go in and kick your ass because I think one of the waitresses there is cute and I don't want her to think I just walk around town kicking crackheads' asses. So you're lucky!!! Speaking of women, is there a single one in Philly with a sense of humor? I mean, this new craigslist posting I put up is just plain funny. Why no responses? Wanna say thanks to everybody who came out for quizzo last night. There was a debate and a big baseball game last night and you still represented. Thanks again. Ok, enough with the sincerity. I think the Eagles should go to the videotape and find out who the idiots were who were calling for AJ Feeley to take over for McNabb last year, and make sure they are NEVER ALLOWED TO ENTER THE LINC AGAIN!!! The Eagles have the 3rd best QB in football and Feeley can't even win the starting job on one of the worst teams in football history. Also, anyone who watched the three debates and is still voting for George Bush should have their clothes stolen by a crackhead! The only way Bush can get my vote is if he starts a gestapo that makes Celine Dion and her fans "disappear." And what's the deal with "Rock, Paper, Scissors"? CP has an interview with the Philadelphia "champion" this week. Hey, next week how about an interview with Philadelphia's coin flipping...hey, wait a minute. What's Paper, Rock, Saddam doing here? If you got a problem with any of the above statements, please comment below. My name is Johnny Goodtimes. Beware My Wrath!!!

With the playoffs upon us, let's relive the excitement of last year's biggest play.

The A-Team is coming to the big screen!

PHILADELPHIA, PA (October 12, 2004) - Local Quizmaster Johnny Goodtimes is helping Philadelphia Casting locate worthy candidates for an upcoming reality/quiz show on the WB Network. The national program, as of yet untitled and due to be released next year, will feature single males between the ages of 21-35 with above average IQs.

Remember Katie Sometimes (left), the hottie who tried out for the "Be the Next JGT Contest"? Well it was a big week for her. First, she celebrated a birthday over the past weekend. Then she became the first ever recipient of the Johnny Goodtimes Dork of the Week Award. When Johnny sent out e-mails on Monday, he said that the WB was the home of Moesha. Katie quickly fired back an email stating that Moesha was on UPN, not WB. This lame knowledge of such a bad show has earned her the dork of the week award. Do you have what it takes the Dork of the Week? Send me an e-mail telling me why you deserve to be the "JGT Dork of the Week", and I'll put you on the website.

As we fight terrorism, it's an embarrasment that we celebrate the original terrorist. Here's a little bit more about the man who "discovered" America. On a lighter note, I'm a sucker for sappy animal stories.

In this version of bowling, played almost exclusively in New England and Eastern Canada, the balls weigh less than 3 pounds, have no finger holes, and the pins are small, perfect cylinders.

La Salsa Caliente was muy bien on Wednesday at the Black Sheep, knocking off Larry Bowa's New Team, 96-82. They were Hot! Hot! Hot! in the final round, pulling away from the competition decisively. Mucho bueno!!!

The $101 Cheesesteak was able to hold off the Deep Fat on Thursday at the Good Dog, 93-92. They also offered a much better deal than the one Stephen Starr is offering. "Yeah, Stephen gives you goose liver and truffles and s***," said team member Ron-Ron Angelo. "Big f****** deal. For just one dollar more, we throw in a whore."

Team Hater pulled ahead early and never looked back at O'Neals on Tuesday, blowing out the competition for their 19th win. But more importantly, isn't Ms. Scarlet of Clue the hottest board game piece ever? Dude, she is so hot. Do you think Professor Plum was tappin' that? Oh, and for all you single ladies out there, calling yourself Ms. is the sexiest thing ever.

The Goats were finally able to get the albatross off their back, winning at the Bards for the first time since July. It was a big win for the Goats, who were able to...Hey, wait a minute, those aren't Goats!!! Those are alpacas!!!

Shuck it Trebek won big at Doc Watson's, crushing 2nd place Dude Where's My Cab, 100-85. "It was nice having Alex there, shucking," said team member Allison Silverspoon. "It made things a lot easier." Added Rosco McDowell, "Yeah, we shucked the smaller ears of corn. Alex shucked the big one."

Yo-Ern won again at the Rendezvous on Wednesday, and Ern's celebrity status continues to grow. A flock of young women chased the quizzo superstar out of the bar after the contest. "I'm a man, Johnny, not just some piece of meat for young, sexy women to knaw on." Ern has hired the Security firm of Hector, Hector, and Juan Carlos to protect him from the increasingly volatile crowds.

Cemetery Puts in Artificial Turf (AP)

The Sunset Hills Memorial Park cemetery is giving up grass in favor of artificial turf.

This is just terrific. Ex-NFL player pulls a drive by on Siegfried and Roy!!!! It's a wonderful world.

Craig (left) turned 21 on Tuesday. Happy Birthday! If you have a birthday coming up, drop me a line, and I'll put you on the site.

Stephen Starr is opening a restaurant with a $100 cheesesteak. Will it be better than Jim's?

This will be Whodunnit Week at Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo. The action continues Wednesday night at Locust Rendezvous at 6:15 p.m., The Black Sheep at 8:00 p.m., and Johnny returns to Nick's Roast Beef at 10:15 p.m.

Media Circus Surrounds Philly Quizmaster

PHILADELPHIA, PA (October 5, 2004) - Johnny Goodtimes, Philadelphia's premiere spermologer (defined as a collector of trivia) and self proclaimed "King of Quizzo" was featured in today's edition of the Daily News.

Here's a funny of video of Will Ferrell impersonating George Bush.

After constantly hearing negative comments about the True/False Round, Johnny let it be known in yesterday's e-mail that he would be willing to revamp round three if 200 people voted yes in the weekly poll. So far, only 23 have. It seems like you all don't have the courage of your convictions. Viva la asalto de verdad/falso!!!

Johnny is finally getting the media coverage he so richly deserves. You can find a short piece (a very short piece) about the JGT Quizzo Spectacular in today's Daily News in Dan Gross's column. Johnny's name is even written in bold, just like the stars. Rumor has it that Johnny will be acting very haughty tonight, scoffing at all of you little people, and drinking apple martinis with his pinky pointed outward.

If five teams or more score 100 points this week, Johnny will sing "Rapper's Delight" at the bars where the 100 point scorers played.

Who was the superhero in space on the Fat Albert Show? Also, remember that I'm buying a beer for whoever comes up with the best team name for the DC Expos. Just write it in the comment box below.

Johnny will be returning to the place where it all started, Nick's Roast Beef in Old City, wednesday night at 10:15 p.m..

A website not scared to tell us the truth about the evils of lip balm!

History was made at the Good Dog on Thursday, as the Presidential Debates are for Suckas became the first team in Good Dog history to make the 100 point list. They were also the first team of any kind, at any bar, to have a team member shotgun a beer during competition, something Johnny heartily encourages. Team member Beaker was very excited about the win, saying afterward, "Meep meep meepmeep meep meep meepmeep, meepmeepmeep. Meep meep meep? Meep."

A fiery Michael Dukakis, looking very presidential indeed, was able to guide the Smal Bags to a narrow victory at the Black Sheep on Wednesday. "When Mike walked in with that helmet on, I knew he meant business," said team member Thaddeus Rockwell. "Then, when I found out that he had ridden in a tank to the game, I was like, whoa, this guy didn't come here to mess around."

Yo-Ern won for the fourth straight week at Locust Rendezvous, as it seems like the Bullies have fallen off the radar. Meanwhile, a strange phenomenon in Washington: poeple are claiming to see Ern's face in the smoke of the erupting Mt. Saint Helen's, and they say this photo proves it. "We've heard people claim to see faces of demons, angels, and gods in the smoke," says Park Ranger Thad Livingston, "But never a quizzo player. I'm still doubtful, even after looking at the photo."

The Western Omelette bravely fought off raging floodwaters on Tuesday at the Bards to hold off the Goats by a point and win for the second time in three weeks. Two team members, Heather McSweeney and Gabe Crustacean, were swept away soon after this photo was taken. "It's a shame," said White Wilt (front right). "I would have tried to save Heather, but with the water raging like that, I thought I might spill my beer."

Now, now you listen here. There's a big difference between a crab and a crabapple, Larry, and there's just as big a difference between Team Hater and the rest of the competition. You see, the others are trying to put out a grease fire with lemonade, you see. There tryin' to skin a peacock with a blowtorch. That will not...can I finish here? Can I finish? Thank you. See, right now we're comparing hayseeds and dinosaurs, Larry. It makes no sense. If a jack in the box falls off the Empire State Building, it makes a lot of noise, but it still can't fly. Do you see what I'm gettin' at here, Larry?

Randy Watson and Sexual Chocolate won at Doc Watson's on Monday night, defeating the Village Idiots, 86-78. Watson et al then used the opportunity to campaign for their favorite candidate in the upcoming election, Alf Landon. "Listen, this Roosevelt character is running the country right into the ground," said Randy. "Alf is a guy we can trust to get the job done." Added Sexual Chocolate, "Yeah, Fireside Chats are for hosebags. And what's the deal with this 'New Deal'? It'll never work."

What?

Anybody got any ideas for the new DC baseball team name? I kind of like the DC Setups (as in, "That bitch set me up.") If anybody comes up with a good name, I'll make an announcement and buy 'em a beer next week at Quizzo. Just put your name idea under comments.

This is a fairly interesting article about Houston, whose record for sleeping with the most men in a 24 hour period (620) was recently broken.