September 2004 Archives

Save her from two masked intruders who break into your home! Even if you have to set the whole thing up, like this guy in Oklahoma did!

The Amish are some of the best lovemakers around, says a new study. Learn their secrets!

Boy, I bet Paris Hilton (who, by the way, is completely hideous) won't make that mistake agian. I think she learned a valuable lesson from that first video. What? You've got to be kidding me.

Beaker serves as lab assissant for what scientist?

Here's my latest hilarious attempt to find love on craigslist personals. If you didn't read my first one, check this out.

Three points short last week. Three teams scored 100, one scored 99, and one 98. I'm going to give you guys one more week to make me look like Ric Flair. Five 100 point games total required over the course of the week.

Puppy With a Microchip, led by Huckleberry Hound, was able to pull past Dirty Mice Get Fat 94-89 at the Good Dog on Thursday. Skankho finished last, but when Johnny, out of professional curiosity of course, typed skank ho into google, he got back this page, which shows you what your name would be if you were a skank ho pop star like Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera. Mine would be DJ Enhanced. What's yours?

With all the hubbub about Jeanne, people seem to have forgotten that an even deadlier force has wreaked havoc at the Rendezvous for the past few weeks-Hurrican Yo-Ern, which has won three consecutive weeks at Locust. They barely held off 1022 this week, 102-101. The hurricane force winds that have resulted from this destructive force are, say experts, the result of an excess of hot air.

Smokey and the Bandits zoomed past Ronald Reagan Ate My Baby at the Bards on Tuesday, 101-98. But the Bandits glory was short lived, however, as disgusting photos of Burt Reynolds were made public shortly after the victory. "Oh my goodness," said team member Maya Aztec. "If we had known that Burt Reynolds smoked small cigars naked on dead bears, we would not have honored one of his movies by naming our team after it. By the way, which one is hairier, the bear or Burt?"

Smokey and the Bandits were able to pull off their second victory of the week at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, holding off Small Bags of Dog Food, 99-97. But their reputation as a classy team went entirely out the window, as more of the infamous "Bad Burt" photos were released (below). "This has been a black eye on the entire organization," said team member Caldwell Falwell. "This should have been a week of extreme joy, having won 2 quizzoes in one week. But thanks to Burt Reynold's ass, we are in a period of mourning."

Team Hater finally ended a major drought with a win at O'Neals on Tuesday, winning for the first time since July. Over the course of this drought, over 2400 people died. Tragically.

The Decrepid Monkey Skeleton (above, below) was able to cook the Cook the MCs Like a Pound of Bacon like a pound of bacon, 98-84 at Doc Watson's on Monday.

Learn to pick up cute girls like Johnny does with the following pick up lines!

Christina Aguilera calls Britney's wedding pathetic.

This one's hilarious. It's about ninjas. (Stories and Question of the Week below.)

Thought you guys might enjoy this personal i put on craigslist. Not to toot my own horn, but it's a masterpiece.

This short story master, who wrote The Devil's Dictionary, disappeared in Mexico in 1913.

Here's a sampling of all the lies being told by both Bush and Kerry.

WTF was able to beat Brianne In the Library With The Candlestick at Black Sheep, breaking a 103-103 tie in overtime. "We want to dedicate this victory to Kenichi Fukui, winner of the 1981 Chemistry Nobel Prize and long time porn legend," said the Big Bopper. "Without him, none of this would have been possible."

The Western Omelette squeaked past the Goats at the Bards on Tuesday night, 87-86, to move within striking distance of the leaders on the leaderboard. More importantly, they so impressed Jenna Jameson that she agreed to star in an upcoming film with the whole team. "I don't know why they gave White Wilt top billing," said Brett the Barber Beefcake. "I did all the grunt work."

2 1/2 Men, with a little help from Lexington Steele, were able to sneak past the Sunshine Boys (below) at O'Neals on Tuesday. "Man that Lexington Steele has an enormous intellect," said team member Tab Hunter. "I'll say," added Rocky Chizwell. "And it only gets bigger as the questions gets harder. I mean, his intellect could choke a horse."

After coming from behind to win quizzo at Doc Watson's on Monday night, the Nuns were dealt a swift blow, when an unidentified man threw a chair and hit them in the nose. No one is sure who this man is, but rumor has it he plays baseball. Well, the good news is, he's certainly not brazen enough to strike again, not with heightened security at all JGT events.

"Hey, great win guys. Good job. You all have really been on fire lately. I mean no other team was even close. Do you think that...OH MY GOSH, LOOKOUT!!! OUCH!!! That looked like it hurt!!! Right in the kisser. Where'd he go, where did that damn chair thrower go!!! He struck again, despite heightened security. We're going to need to call in the professionals to catch that s.o.b.!"

The Chantells were able to knock off the High Holidays at the Good Dog on Thursday night, 91-86. Then, just as the celebration began, chaos broke out, as Texas Ranger pitcher Frank Francisco burst into the room, followed closely by TJ Hooker. Realizing he was trapped, Francisco quickly gave up, and Hooker forced the pitcher to admit to throwing chairs at both Doc's and the Rendezvous. When Johnny says he's calling in the pros, he ain't bulls******.

Sorry gang, but my photoshop guy got a real job, so it's hard to get these done properly on Friday. I'll try to learn photoshop, but keep in mind, i'm really dumb.

Here's a real strange site dedicated to Martha Stewart.

Johnny will be performing stand up at the Laff House on Friday, September 17th at 6:00 p.m. The Laff House is located at 221 South Street. Tickets are $10 cheap, and 30 cents out of every dollar you spend goes towards the "Johnny's Kids Foundation", a charity Johnny set up to help Gavril Princip's great-grandchildren overcome the ostracism felt at school because their great-grandad killed Franz Ferdinand*.

*A quick review of the records shows that no such Foundation exists

What's your pirate name?

There are some hilarious allegations in the Kitty Kelly book about the Bush family. I mean, I hate the Bush's as much as anybody, but this really does sound like a load of b.s.

Having a hard time meeting Mr. or Mrs. Right? Have you ever thought of dating someone currently serving time? Well here's your chance! In all seriousness, there are apparently some really hot chicks in prison.

If five teams score 100 points or more this week, Johnny will dress up like Ric Flair for next week's quizzos. P.S. If you have any ideas for Johnny to humiliate himself if 5 teams score 100 points in a week, just click on comments and drop your idea.

In terrific news, some jerk who didn't leave a tip at a restaurant now faces a year in jail!

What poet wrote the words for the Johnny Cash classic, "A Boy Named Sue?"

Doc Watson quizzo will be held at 7:30 p.m. throughout the duration of football season. By this time next year, Johnny plans to have overtaken Monday Night Football in the ratings, so nothing like this has to happen again.

A month after what was, and I'm not being hyperbolic here, the most devastating choke in the history of the world, WTF was able to rise from the ashes to defeat Joey from Blossom, 105-97. The best thing about the win was that the WTF was able to soar past the SS Missing Heads at the end of round four. The Heads struck an iceburg after question seven, missing the final three questions, and finished in third place.

S2 was able to knock off the Short Bus Pilots at O'Neals on Tuesday. With the media exposure afforded them by the victory, they were able to speak against a grave injustice, making everyone aware of the plight of former Hooters employee Jodee Berry (below). "How could a company like Hooters do something like that?" asked an incredulous Chippy Freedman. "I'll never return! Well, maybe once. I mean, the wings are really good. But not twice!"

Yo-Ern was able to hold off their foes at the Rendezvous on Wednesday, defeating Three Jacks and a Jill 105-98. It was an impressive victory as...wait, hold on a minute. Oh my goodness. Holy s***!!! My sources tell me that there is a ferocious hurricane heading our way (below)! Everyone run for the hills!!! How could the weathermen have missed this one? It's going to destroy the whole city!!! We're all going to die!!! Quick, into the basement!!! There's not time to...what? Oh. Oh, my bad. My sources said Florida, not Philadalphia. They sound kind of similar. Sorry, guys. False alarm.

Sexual Nutella was as sweet as a chocolate-hazelnut spread at the Good Dog on Thursday, knocking off the Deep Fat Fryer 87-77. Shortly after the contest, Johnny had to make an apology to the last place Wide Mouth Frogs. In the first round, Johnny asked, "What grim milestone was reached this week in the War in Iraq?" and the Frogs answered "Saddam Hussein freed." While Johnny marked the answer wrong, he soon discovered that the Frogs were actually privy to some confidential info. In fact, Saddam was freed this past week, and is currently working as a hip hop Deejay in Cincinnati. According to WKRP Deejay Venus Flytrap, "Sady Sade gets ill on the Wheels of Steel."

Return of Serve was able to hold off The Goat Stands Alone 92-90 at the Bards on Tuesday. The Serve then dedicated the victory to Bjorn Borg (below).

Even Losers Get Lucky Sometimes held off Here's Johnny at Doc Watson's monday night, 97-91. The Losers, a group of unemployed slackers with no direction and really limited prospects, actually had a pretty good week. Not only did they win the gift certificate, but on the way home from quizzo they found a prospective employer. "This could be the start of something big," said Jeff Whipple. UPDATE: Jeff was turned down for the job, due to his shady past. "We're looking for losers, not criminals," said a Taco Bell spokesman.

Finally, a website dedicated to the unibrow!

After 60 years of everybody dwelling on the negative, a new movie coming out will reveal a more tender and sweet side of Adolph Hitler.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker named entertainment's top scientists!

Johnny Goodtimes, no stranger to controversy, has been told by the JGT Ethics Committtee that this weeks questions will need to be tougher, since five teams broke the 100 point barrier last week. "That is unacceptable to an organization as proud and as historic as this one," said Antowain Cadillac of the Committee. "We will not have Johnny sully the fine name of this organization. Therefore, if five or more teams score 100 or more points this week, Johnny will have to wear a pink tank top the next week with the words 'I Suck' emblazoned across the front."

"Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear." These words will forever be associated with whom?

Are you racist because you didn't root for the Dream Team this year?

Clerk accepts fake $200 'Bush' bill

Reuters - At first glance it looked like the real thing, so store clerk Kathryn Miller was happy to accept the $200 bill as
payment -- and even make change.

Scott Peterson's Tacklebox was guilty as charged on Thursday night: on possession of large brains!!! The Tacklebox was able to coast past their opponents at the Good Dog before the verdict was handed down by the Johnny Goodtimes Grand Lords of Justice (below).

Lick Bush, a team consisting of left wing porn advocates, was able to defeat the River of Rocks, 105-101 at the Black Sheep on Wednesday. "We have to knock Bush out of office," said Lance Longstrokes after the match. "And I'm not only speaking for myself when I say that, but for other concerned American citizens, such as the Milfhunter, Captain Stabbin, and the gentlemen of the bangbus." Longstroke added that "Lick Bush" would be the name of an upcoming anti-Bush porn film he's developing, which will star Dick Chainme, Condosleeza Nice, and Swollen Powell (below).

The Single Loser, helped occasionally by the waitstaff but playing by herself most of the time, was able to knock off Yo! Ern in a huge upset at the Rendezvous. The Single Loser's excitement at the victory was short lived, however, as hours later she was denounced as a fraud by Zell Miller, although Dick Cheney had voted against many of the same answers as she had!

The Western Omelette got every question right in the final round to overtake the Burning Sensation at the Bards on Tuesday, 112-105. The Omelette, a team that was all but toast a few short months ago, has been playing much butter lately, and is starting to ketchup to the leaders on the leader board. "We always had the noodles," said Brett the Barber Beefcake. "I just don't think we had really mustard up the courage to a-salt the opponents before. But now it's our thyme." But lettuce not forget the lesson we learned a few months ago: When the going gets tough, this team sometimes waffles (below).

Goodtimes Must not Mean On Time pulled out a one point win over S2 on Tuesday night at the Bards, 94-93. Team Hater, who had a comfy lead going into the final round, missed the final three questions to blow what seemed like a sure win. As for Johnny's tardiness, Johnny critics were outraged. "Typical Goodtimes," said Bob Mediocretimes, one of Johnny's rivals on the quizzo circuit. "Yo, Johnny don't know the time, b-o-o-o-y-e-e-e-e!" added an exasperated Flavor Flav (below).

Just came across this article about how overrated running backs are, and thought it might be of interest to you football fans.

Is it George Bush or a chimp?

finally a website gives us a list of the top ten My Little Ponies ever! This is pretty funny.