August 2004 Archives

After a wonderful week spent with a lovely American girl, Johnny got greedy and spent the next two weeks going out with Mexican women, all to no avail. "I don't know what the hell happened," says Johnny, "But it was a disaster. One girl got mad when I tried to kiss her, one girl stood me up, and and with one girl, I think it was just a matter of miscommunication, and we only went out once." Johnny refused to talk any more about this so called "miscommunication". As for the job, the last week was a bit stressful, as the staff and the animals at the final facility were overworked. Johnny's Spanish improved quite a bit during the time there, but apparently not enough. "I didn't take any days off, but I did get to go scuba diving in a pretty kool underwater cave," said Goodtimes. Other than that, Johnny's week at Cozumel was rather quiet. "I went out with this one Mexican girl twice, and we were supposed to go out again on Friday night, but she stood me up." When asked if maybe he was a bad kisser, and that was part of the problem, Johnny responded, "I'm not sure. I've never kissed myself. Well, there was that one time, but that was an accident." Johnny returns to action at O'Neals and The Bards tonight.

In what book would you have found Death Larsen at the helm of the Macedonia?

Thirsty Dad Allegedly Starts 'Brew-Haha'

A man has been arrested on charges of beating his son when the boy refused to turn over his video game system so it could be pawned for beer money.

These are the kinds of things that happen when you're stupid and can't earn beer money through quizzo.

Nature Calls
Being 19 and criminally charged for taking a big dump and clogging a toilet- $500. Reading an article trying to explain it all? Priceless.

Bride, Once Boring, Now Known As Bland (AP)

If going from the sublime to the ridiculous is not your idea of a good time, how about the bride who made the switch from Boring to Bland? While it might not sound very exciting, she and the man she was marrying managed to catch the attention of television talk show host talk Jay Leno even before they tied the knot.

Talking Pizzas - The New Advertising Medium for Super Bowl?

Newly invented, unique, hand held food embossing (imprinting) tools are expected to create lasting gourmet impressions for consumers and new revenue streams for advertisers. Interactive Super Bowl advertising of embossed team logos and messages would be fun and quite effective. The cost would be a fraction of traditional advertising mediums (like TV commercials) and would be a mega hit, lasting indefinitely instead of minutes.

"Fun and effective", that's what the press release says, more likely a sign of the apocolypse. More fun at the company's web site.

The Black Sheep has reopened this week and quizzo will return tonight at 8:00 PM.

Looking for something to do this weekend? How about a road trip to Washington DC to check out the National Rock Paper Scissors Championship.

Before 9/11 the worst disaster in New York City occurred in 1904, and it caused the death of over 1,000 people. What happened?

Ok, gang, sorry I haven´t written in a while, but things have been hectic, and I still haven´t had a day off since I got here. The job has been kool. I went from Puerto Aventuras (near Playa del Carmen) to Isla Mujeres, or "Island of the Women". There are a couple of rumors as to how it got that name. One is that there were various statues of the goddess Ixchel around the island when it was stumbled upon by Spanish explorer Francisco Cordova in 1517. Another is that there were only women in town when Cordaova´s crew landed, since the men were all out fishing. Anyway, it was no "Island of Women" for me. Actually, I was staying in Cancun for the whole week. After my night on the town with H20, I never returned to the hotel district. I mostly hit local spots, had a coupel of cervezas, adn mellowed out. The sun wears me out, and I just couldn´t muster up the energy to get out for a night of dancing. Did make it to a place called Mextreme once, where a friend of mine plays in the house band. I was out with a very cute Mexican girl, and it was pretty fun. I ended up getting on stage and doing "Rappers Delight", and the crowd went nuts. I can rap my ass off. Sadly, it didn´t really impress Mexican girl as much as it did the rest of the crowd. Other than that, I didn´t do much. I had to speak at a meeting with the company´s executives yesterday, and I went over like a lead balloon. I don´t know if my humor was lost in translation or if (and this can´t be it) I´m just not funny. Anyway, I caught the boat to Cozumel last night, and I will be here for a week. This is the same place I was in April, so I already know a bunch of the staff, including an incredibly cute girl who works in the office. She met me last night when I got off the boat and we went out for dinner at a Cajun restaurant and watched the Olympics. I haven´t really been able to keep up on TV. I didn´t have a tv at the first place i stayed, and my buddy Drew did not have cable. But I´ve been checking ESPN.com enough to know that the Phillies are totally choking. Well, I gotta get to work. Hope all is well in Philly. The tacos are good, but I can´t wait to eat a cheesesteak.

Looking for a deal on a casket? Look no further than your local Costco. Two Costco stores are now offering six models of caskets manufactured by Universal Casket. No truth to the rumor that you have to purchase the caskets in bulk.

Now you can booze it up without even drinking. Sure to be a favorite of the low-carb group, the catchily titled Alcohol without Liquid Machine gives users the opportunity to inhale an alcohol vapor that leads to "a sense of well-being" and doesn't produce hangovers.

Black Bear shuns Busch, thinks global, drinks local. A black bear was found sleeping off a drinking binge in a state park in Washington state. The bear broke into a camper's cooler and after trying out some Busch beer settled on local brewer Rainier, polishing off 36 cans before deciding to take a nap.

Oh Craps
Twin Trouble
The headlines could go on forever. The Modesto Bee reports two football playing brothers at the University of Nevada were arrested on unrelated charges last week. Rodney was arrested for bank robbery, and later confessed to three others. Good brother Randy, was only charged with burglary and forging checks. Rodney who had turned to bank robbery after racking up large debts gambling was philosophical about the arrest, "With craps, you have a 50-50 chance of coming away with money … like robbing a bank."

Choke Artist Latrell Sprewell does more than just attack coaches, he's an inventor too! Not only is he credited with coming up with those spinning rims that we've all added to our Escalades, but now he's brought the same technology to athletic shoes. Pre-order yours today.

Is your name hot or not? An MIT cognitive scientist posted pictures to HotOrNot.com with different names to see which names got better rankings. For boys, vowels pronounced with the front of the mouth scored higher. The oposite is true of women, fuller names like Laura score higher than those with smaller vowel sounds.

After a week spent in Puera Aventuras near Playa del Carmen, Johnny moved the operation to Isla Mujeres on Saturday, and I am currently housed at my buddy Drew's house in Cancun. Drew and I used to work together back in the day at Dolphin Quest in Hawaii, so it's been fun hanging out. The dolphin programs are insane. When I worked at DQ, the most guests any one trainer would bring into the water with them at one time was five. Here in Mexico, it's twenty. And these trainers have to operate with two dolphins at a time, as opposed to one for me. In addition, they have eight sessions a day. Oh, and the trainers usually have one day off a week. The workload here is amazing, but these guys hardly ever complain. The staff at both places is unbelievably friendly. As for the dating situation, I actually had another date with the hot twenty year old (Let's just call her H20). It was pretty great. Went to Senior Frog's, and then landed at a place called Slices, where I ended up dancing with five mexican girls and partying until 3:30 a.m. with H20. So it was awesome, but I paid dearly when I had to go to a new facility the next morning and make a good first impression with like 40 people. Oh well. Anyways, things are good, but we might be getting a hurricane on Thursday night, which would be intense. Stay tuned.

OK, what's weirder? That there really is a product called Mecca Cola, or that there are counterfeits of it. We at johnnygoodtimes.com cannot decide either, but are sure profits will skyrocket with copy like this:
"One of the perversions of capitalism lies in the generation within oneself of the most brutal and the most inhumane part of oneself."

In the most startling news to hit Philly in quite some time, it was discovered that local quizmaster Johnny G. had a date on Wednesday night with a HOT 20 year old. ¨Yeah, we went to Senor Frog´s and the Blue Parrot in Playa del Carmen, and she didn´t even leave me for some young, shirtless meathead, which is what I kind of expect in those types of situations," said Johnny. Goodtimes went on to add that on the taxi ride home, the taxi driver (whose wife rode in the front seat) played a collection of some of the worst 80's music ever recorded, including the Karate Kid Love Song and the Top Gun love song.

"I just want to spoon." Haven't been hit up with that line yet? Well get ready for it. The next big thing in NYC seems to be cuddle parties.

When nerds get tattoos. Who knew there were people out there that think permanently altering your body with an Apple logo is a good idea.

What actor played Mork and Mindy´s son in the Mork and Mindy Show?

Hey gang. Arrived in Mexico Friday morning. I´m currently working near Playa del Carmen, whisch is about an hour south of Cancun. The heat here is unbearable, but the chicks are unbelievable. The girls working at this dolphin facility are gorgeous. I´ll send back some pictures as soon as I figure out how to hook my camera up to the computer here. Also, the girl who runs the hotel where I am staying is 29 and single. I found that out when my toilet flooded my room on Saturday night. Oh, and I met a cutie from Canada when I was at the Philly airport. My "game" was a lot better at 6:30 a.m. than I ever would have guessed. I think I need to start picking up women early in the morning instead of late at night. As for the tequila, well I haven´t really hit my drinking stride yet. Booze is a lot more expensive here than it was in Cozumel, and you guys know what a cheap bastard I am. I´m trying to help out at this dolphin facility with customer service. It´s pretty bad here. The best thing to compare it to would be...probably customer service in Philadelphia. My Spanish is improving, slowly but steadily. I´ll try to get pics of the hot girls here up on the sight ASAP.

A few months ago Henry Earl made the Internet rounds, what with his hundreds of arrests for alcohol intoxication and hilarious arrest photos. It is always worth checking in with Henry and seeing if he's currently incarcerated by the fine folks of the Lexington-Fayette Urban County Government Division of Community Corrections. Be sure to click the Image History on the left for more great shots of Henry.

With the exciting election behind us and the Grand Inquizzinator the winner Johnnygoodtimes.com looks back on the exciting competition.

• Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes Contest Announcement
• Deadline is today, July 16th
• Meet the Contestants
• Newsflash! Verdict is Reached
• Scandal! Girls Insist Voting was Rigged
• Contest Shocker
• Johnny Weighs in on the Contestants
• What the Contestants Learned
• Voting Has Begun
• Inquizzanator Gains Lead, Loses Sanity
• It's Confirmed. Trivia Art & Inquizzanator to Appear at Doc Watson's
• Trivia Art's Last Minute Plea to Voters
• Grand Inquizzanator Responds
• Grand Inquizzanator Wins
• Trivia Art's Concession Speech
• The Grand Inquizzinator's Acceptance Speech

Watch Will Ferrell as President Bush at the White House West.

The Fireworks, a team of three men all fighting over the same beautiful lady, were able to put there differences aside just long enough to slip past the Carnivores for a 93-92 win. In other news, it's 12:15 a.m., and reports indicate that Johnny has not even begun packing for his 7:45 a.m. flight.

Disaster struck at the Black Sheep on Wednesday as W.T.F., enjoying a healthy 14 point lead over the Missing Heads (below) going into Round Four, burst into flames and lost by six to their arch rivals. Amazingly, Johnny was able to catch WTF's round four performance on video!

Mary Kay Letourneau was poorly photoshopped into 1022's winning photo this week, resulting in anger from people who expect more from this website. "I check the damn site every day," said Hans Muslim Anderson, and I expect a little bit more effort than this out of Johnny." "Yeah it could have been funny, like Johnny putting in something about the guys on the team having teenage sons or something. But, with the photoshop so poorly done, what's the f****** point," added Lance McNicholson, who has johnnygoodtimes.comPremium, which runs him $24.95 a month and gives him access to the e-mail addresses of hot chicks that play. "I expect more for my money."

It's hard to determine what the mystery woman was doing in Western Omelette's victory photo-flicking off the winners or pointing at Yaz Studley's member. When asked, White Wilt angrily shot back, "I thought this week's story was going to be about me leading this proud franchise back to mighty heights while at the same time adding hot chicks to the team. And you want to ask me about Yaz's digit? That's so typical, Goodtimes."

Not much has been heard from Marvin Hagler since his retirement, so his appearance at O'Neals on Tuesday was quite a surprise. Looking a little bit paler than in his fighting days, Hagler proved that the repeated blows to the head had not dulled his intellect, as S3 was able to outlast the Sunshine Boys, 100-94.

Johnny, distracted by the Sexy Chicks (below) in the back of the room, allowed scores to balloon unnescessarily at Doc Watson's on Monday, as Oh-ho-ho my Goodness was able to hold off the Altruistic Yiddish, 108-105. Sexy Chicks continue to be an impediment to Johnny's goal of World Domination, and his behavior on Monday was met with a stiff rebuke from the Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee, who are contemplating a rule that would bar sexy women from participating in Quizzo.

Hey gang, here's the deal. I'm going to be gone to Mexico for the next three weeks to work at a dolphin facility. I will be keeping a journal of my trip on the website, keeping track of the animals, my alcohol consumption, and my success/failure with the senoritas. The Inquizzanator won the contest and will be taking over. While there will not be photos of the winners on the website, the victories will count in the standings. As of right now, all quizzoes are scheduled to go ahead. If there are any changes in the schedule, I'll be sure to let you know. Each team may only play in one quizzo per week while I am gone. I plan to be back in action on August 31.

Finally, a website dedicated to bringing you the hottest in furniture porn.

Finally! A website that tells you how to fix household appliances-in haiku form! The Samurai appliance repair man's official website.

I'm sorry, but quizzo has gotten the shaft from the local media for long enough. It's time to represent. And remember, Johnny's not doing this because he's a glory hog. He's doing it...for the children. Drop the editor a line at Philadelphia Magazine to let them know how disappointed you were in their failure to cover that most Philadelphian of institutions, quizzo. Even a simple, "What, no quizzo?" would be more than appreciated.

The Grand Inquizzator (AKA "Upper GI", AKA Inquizzanator, AKA Roy S.) would
like to take this opportunity not only to refer to himself in the third person, but
also to sincerely thank each and every person who cast a vote on his behalf. I
hereby humbly accept the office of Rear Vice-Admiral in Charge of Pub Knowledge. As RVACPK, I swear to uphold the notoriously loose moral constructs set forth by Mr. Goodtimes himself at the onset of his despotic reign.
And I furthermore swear to concede the throne of Quizzo back to JGT upon his return, provided he is not killed by one of the dolphins he will be working with. Of course, dolphins are notoriously bloodthirsty animals; thus, the probability of his survival is certainly no more than 50%. Therefore, assuming his death in advance, I hereby pledge 4% of all future Quizzo earnings to whomever amongst his surviving relatives can successfully prosecute me for having trained the killer dolphins. Once again, thank you all for voting me, your better, into this most esteemed office. I find you all very attractive. No, seriously.

Dear quizzoites,

I come before you today to speak of concessions.
Among my favorite concessions, the ones I really can’t get enough of:

At the Movies:

The Grand Inquizzanator was able to pull away from Trivia Art in the final hours of the "Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes" Contest to win, 167-130. The JGT Ethics Committee is recounting the votes by hand, but since this is impossible, it is believed that GI will remain the victor. Trivia Art is expected to submit a concession letter later today. Art will be the Vice-Quizmaster.

Here's the official Ralph Nader website.

The Grand Inquizzator quickly responded to Art's last minute plea with the following:

I'm not in charge of the website. I couldn't post a photo if my life depended
on it (unless Trivia Art showed me how). I've known JGT for about a year tops.
But when I was born, my mother took me in her arms whilst watching Jeopardy and explained to me my destiny. Aged only 12 days, I somehow grasped every word. I would do quizzo. Then we watched Alien. The connection may have been tenuous, but nonetheless I understood that this man Art, who I'd never met (and still haven't) was the Alien, come to supplant the innards of red-blooded Americans with the demon seed of mediocre trivia.. Now, mere minutes from fulfilling my destiny, that same Alien would have you believe that he is the torch-bearer of quality Philly Quizzo. It just ain't so, folks. Vote for the Great Enunciator, the Inquizzator. Like I said, I really need this gig. Plus, some small payoffs might be arranged as well. PS - I'll be famous soon, and we'll be friends forever, I promise!

If you like Johnnygoodtimes.com, Vote Trivia Art!

• I am the man behind the web site, behind the Photoshopping, adding celebrities and otherwise altering dozens of Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular Winners.
  
• I was there at the beginning of the Goodtimes movement back when our man Johnny was just a sports quiz guy.
  
• I am the candidate to be at the helm as Johnny heads south to club Mexican seals, or whatever it is that he does down there.
  
• I have the trivia background, even a catchy name .
  
• I promise to hold sacred the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular and never again, do a DotCom themed True/False round.
  
• And although I admit, I'm no Johnny Goodtimes, I ask yourself, are you better off now than a year ago when there was no Johnnygoodtimes.com?
  

Vote Trivia Art the Next Johnny Goodtimes.

Johnnygoodtimes.com has just learned that Trivia Art and the Grand Inquizzanator will be pleading their cases to the crowd at Doc Watson's tonight. The only two contestants who, at this point in the game, really have a shot at the title, will both try to pick up undecided voters at 11th and Locust establishment. Quizzo begins at 8:15 p.m.

With less than eight hours to go, the Inquizzanator holds a somewhat sizable lead, but johnnygoodtimes.com has gained access to a top secret e-mail that he recently sent to the King of Goodtimes, stating, as follows:

"dude - when is the voting over? this s*** is bugging me out."

When told of the comments, former White House aide Henry Kissinger replied, "Hmmm, that's funny. I remember Nixon saying the same thing on election day '72." Comparisons to Nixon are the last thing the Inquizzanator needs at this juncture. It will be interesting to see what kind of response, if any, will come from Inquizzanator camp.

What is the buccal overture better known as? As a going away gift, here's a link.

Click here to take a test to find out which member of the Simpson's you resemble most. (Sad to say, I'm Barney.)