June 2004 Archives

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A couple of hot chicks were able to disprove the naysayers at Nick's Roast Beef on Wednesday night, as they set a new Photo Hunt record, scoring over 280,000. "This is a great day for hot chicks," said Johnny. "I mean, a lot of people think that just because you're hot, you can't pick out five inconsistencies on two similar pictures of scantily clad men. This rocks that theory." Johnny went on to say that neither chick seemed real interested in getting to know him better.

If you've got broadband, go here to see some Ripley's Believe it or Not videos.

What was the name of Tonya Harding's ex-husband who helped her take out Kerrigan?

Tanya Harding gets a good ol' fashioned Nancy Kerrigan style beatdown.

Thursday was a big night for the team of Three Catholics and a Jew, as they were able to win at Good Dog, and then were picked first by the Orlando Magic. The Magic were the first to utilize a new NBA rule, in which any team which drafts American white people can draft as many as they want, in this case four. "Yeah, there were better players available, but our motto has always been 'quantity, not quality,'" said team owner Bobby Orlando. "We've got 37 players, which is a lot more than anyone else in the league. So in that regard, we're #1." In other news, a girl on one of the other teams made artwork out of ketchup. If you or any of your friends has a worthless talent (NOT that being able to draw with ketchup is worthless!), please let Johnny know so we can get them on the website.

The Goat Asses were able to get over the proverbial hump at Nick's on Wednesday and win their first Johnny Goodtimes Spectacular. But Johnny was able to break the biggest news story in Philly this week, as it was discovered that Mary Kate Olsen, or Ashley, or Mary Ashley, or whatever the hell her name is who blows chunks or starves herself or whatever to lose weight was rehabbing at Nick's. "We've got her eating three roast beefs a day, and she's already put on like four pounds," said Nick R. Beef, owner of the establishment. "She should be back to totally sucking in no time."

Bill Clinton didn't miss a beat on Wednesday, using the Missing Heads victory at Black Sheep to help sell his latest book, My Life. The Heads were able to squeak past the Blind Squirrels, 92-90. "We were able to win just because we could. And that's wrong," said team member Antonio D'Antonio.

Hey, guys, gonna be on the road all day Friday, so I'll be putting up the stories for the Black Sheep, Nick's and Good Dog on Saturday. Stay kool.

The Goats were able to pull off the victory at the Bards on Tuesday night amidst rumors they had killed former President McKinley. "Oh come on," said Chet Bumstead. "It was in the Weekly World News. That mag is a joke." Critics disagreed. "The Weekly World News just prints stuff the other magazines are scared to print," said Stinky Wishbone of 3rd place Track and Field Jesus, whose dreams of a victory were shattered (like glass). Ms. Pacman Has No Joystick, meanwhile, may have finished last, but it didn't douse their smell, as that stench you might have noticed was the Pure Elegance 124 they sprayed all over their bodies.

Hurry, hurry, step right up and see bearded ladies, sword swallowers, and the Jams, who scored a freakish 108 at the Rendezvous on Wednesday. They said that 108 was nothin'. A perfect game is their ultimate ghoul. Ha Ha Ha!"

Team Hater had a little bit of good news, and a little bit of bad news at O'Neals on Tuesday. They were able to squeak past S2 for the victory. Then, tragically, a SEPTA train ran over them. "I don't know why O'Neals agreed to run railroad tracks throught the bar," said sole survivor Miranda Higginbothom, who lost both ears in the tragedy. "Well, I was a big Silver Spoons fan when I was a kid," explained bar owner Tommy Knickerbocker. "And I wanted my bar to have a railroad track just like the Ricker. I guess I didn't think of all the damage it could do. My bad."

Emphasizing a strict defense and disciplined offense, Larry Brown was able to deliver again on Monday night, leading 1022 to a 64-62 victory over Sloe Gin Quiz in the greatest defensive battle the game has ever seen. "I like to see the game played the right way," said Brown, who got his wish, as even an enormous quad of med school students was kept at bay. The doctors of tomorrow drank three barzookas and were unable to even break 60 points in JGT Quizzo, and you'll possibly be counting on them to save your life in a medical emergency in a few years. Something to think about.

Quizzo tonight will be held at the following locations:
Good Dog (224 South 15th Street, across from the old Bookbinders) 8:00 p.m.

With the summer concert season upon us and the line in front of port-a-johns 20 or 30 deep aren't you glad you brought your p-mates? Be like a guy and make just about anywhere your toilet with the p-mate, bringing the glory of peeing standing up to women everywhere.

Linguists find the Tshiluba language word Ilunga the most difficult word to translate. Second place went to a Yiddish word, shlimazl, which means "a chronically unlucky person" or as its known in these parts, "a Philadelphia sports fan." More...

Yes that is Whiplash, the 17-year old Capuchian monkey, riding a collie and herding sheep at the Old Fort Days Rodeo in Fort Smith Arkansas.

Now that Griffey has hit the milestone, what major leaguer is now the closest to 500?

Thai prisoners play elephants in soccer in hopes of discouraging gambling on the European Soccer Championships. And being a soccer game, the game ended in a tie.

Johnny Goodtimes gave Lucifer the OK after attending a punk rock concert on Thursday night. "Yeah, Satan isn't so bad, I guess," said Johnny. "I mean, could all of these people be wrong?" Johnny, who got his picture taken with the lead singer from the band Satanic Freedom (that's not their real name, but it's got a nice ring to it), said the band was true to it's word. "At one point during the concert, the lead singer said that they were making the kind of music that is heard in hell, and after hearing a couple of songs, I'm definitely inclined to agree with his assessment."

1022 was able to fight off Pigs Speak Latin at the Good Dog on Thursday night, answering the final question about Thomas Paine correctly. Of course, this hasn't been the best week for the author of Common Sense. Paine, who was impotent, has been featured by Viagra in it's new "Great Impotent Americans" ad campaign.

The Missing Heads were able to kick it Gangsta style at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, holding off a furious challenge from My Boy Blue, who answered every question correct in the final round. But Blue had the Blues in the true/false round, and were unable to catch the Heads. As for Touch My Poop(below), well they just totally sucked.

It was a big week for the Broad Street Bullies, as they first won Quizzo, and then they won the 27th Annual Locust Rendezvous Breakdancing Extravaganza. "I was raised on the streets of Queens in the early 80's, so this stuff is old hat for me," said Herman Fairchild (far left). "But I've been real impressed at how the rest of the squad has learned so quickly, especially Snake (doing headspin)."

Ronald Reagan Ate My Baby won at the Bards on Wednesday, but the real story was the appearance of Grigorii Rasputin's illegitimate grandson, Tex Butterscotch. Tex, who hails from Arkansas, tried to deny it, but I mean, come on people, the proof is in the pudding.

A streaker stole S2's thunder at O'Neals on Tuesday, ruining the fun family atmosphere Johnny has tried so hard to maintain. The streaker was still on the loose as this article went to press. "First the biker at Watson's and now this?" said disgruntled player Bob Mixalot. "You'd think an international megastar like Johnny would have a decent security force."

Irony was the order of the day, as several members of a team called Cataclysmic Bike Crash were injured following their win at Doc Watson's when a crazed bike rider crashed into them. The stranger mentioned something about the basement at the Alamo, then quickly drove off. Police are investigating the suspect, who apparently rode directly to the Forum at 22nd and Market after the accident.

This is an excellent review of the Vanilla Ice movie, Cool as Ice. (The first couple of paragraphs are dumb, but skip down to where he starts reviewing the movie.)

Anybody know whose yearbook photo that is? Scroll over the pic to find out. Quizzo tonight (Thursday) will be held at the following locale. Hope to see you there!
Good Dog (224 South 15th Street, just N of Locust) 8:00 p.m.

Not really a story as much as it is a wacky website. If you like Pac Man, and you like insane people, I think you'll enjoy this one.

Grigorii Rasputins privates are currently being used to cure impotence (Warning: picture of a pickled peter portrayed on the page)

What 89 year old man did Anna Nicole Smith marry in 1993?

This is one of the wackiest ever. It's a news story about an inflatable sheep.

Johnny Goodtimes New Haircut might have been fooled by Johnny's hair (he hasn't had a haircut in like two months), but they were not fooled by his question in Overtime, which allowed them to squeak past Bedtime For Bonzo. It was an emotional contest, and Bedtime for Bonzo was devastated at it's conclusion. "I got a question," said Ralph Snowblower of the Bonzo's. "Why all the hubbub over Reagan dying? I mean, Bonzo was the star of that movie, and I don't remember Gorbachev coming in for his funeral."

The Toothless Cats came from behind to knock off Isn't It Embarrassing to Be From Darby, 89-88 at the Good Dog on Thursday, then starred in a really crappy movie.

The Missing Heads were able to knock off W.T.F. on Wednesday at Black Sheep, 102-101. Larry Bird, who played with the Heads, said he felt disrespected when the WTFers tried to beat him at Quizzo with a bunch of white guys.

The leftist faction of the Broad Street Bullies were able to knock off the Jams at Locust Rendezvous on Tuesday, 89-86. "Yeah, my Republican teammates refused to play when they found out that I had invited Karl Marx." Marx was philosophical after the win. "There shouldn't have been a winner, because all of these teams were equals. Well, except for the Jams."

Amy's in Vegas won the highest scoring quizzo ever, as for the first time ever three teams finished with 100 points or more. Amy's In Vegas finished with 112 points, Ronald Reagan Ate My Baby had 109, and Track and Field Jesus had 101. And, in an astonishing irony, while Amy was in Vegas, Wayne Newton came to Philly and played with her team, leading them to victory.

Jelly Belly is saddened by the death of Ronald Reagan.

This sad tale is of a boy who isn't allowed to bring a porn star to his prom.

What was the only movie Nancy and Ronald ever appeared in together?

A man claims to have found Atlantis.

Hey guys, sorry the stories are up a day late, but the server went down yesterday, so there was nothing I could do. Anyway, here's the recipe you've all been waiting for: Cicada chip cookies.

The Deep Fat Fryer was able to pull off a victory at the Good Dog on Thursday, despite the performance of Akshay Buddiga. "We brought him because we heard that the second round would be spelling," said team member Curly McSweeney. "We shouldn't have ordered so many shots, because he passed out when Johnny asked us to spell abalone. But I'll be damned if he didn't hop right back up and spell it correctly."

The Big Sticks were able to win at Nick's on Wednesday. "That's garbage," said Bill Badaz of the third place team. "They knew that the second round was going to be spelling. Why else would they bring that Tidmarsh kid?" Indeed, the rest of the team left before the photo was taken, but the spelling bee champ had a couple of cold ones, then received the first place trophy from Joe.

The Rich Mean Girls proved that they were a little from column A, a little from column B on Wednesday at Locust Rendezvous. They were obviously rich in knowledge, as they tore away from the always tough Bullies in round 4, and squeaked past the Jams, 85-84. Then after promising a game of Scrabble to Johnny, they called him Friday morning to cancel. Johnny, knowing that the problem can't possibly be him, remarked that maybe they just don't like Scrabble. "Hey, we don't have to play Scrabble. There are other good games. I mean, that was just a suggestion."

The Goasts were able to make their way back to the winners circle this week, but their joy was short lived. They just demanded that their photo be taken in front of Kilauea, despite Johnny's misgivings. And wouldn't you know it, the volcano blew just as the photo was taken. The team was quickly consumed by the magma, which is about 1250 degrees Celsius. Johnny was able to escape with a few minor burns. "I told them it was a bad idea," said Goodtimes. "If you ask me, I think they kind of deserved it. I'm just sayin'."

A team with really bad handwriting but more than enough brains was able to eek one out at Black Sheep. The team had their names as a team name. It was Stanley and either Stella or Stetta, Jana or Jena, and the last name was entirely undecipherable. Possibly Haka, Nako, Mako. Anyways, a group of federal agents stormed in round four, shouting out answers, and acting like a******* in general. Well, shortly after the contest, Johnny got on the phone with Washington, and the next morning George Tenet stepped down as the head of the CIA. Coincidence? I think not.

Come on people, nothing to see here. Yes, the Haters did win at O'Neals this week. This is a criminal investigation, so I can't answer any other questions. Come on, move along, find another website, do whatever you have to do, just give us some room to work here. Thank you.

Ladies Night has been deemed illegal in New Jersey.

In what state did John Ashcroft lose his senate seat to a dead man?

Quizzo tonight (Thursday) will be held at the following locale:
Good Dog (224 South 15th Street) 8:00 p.m.

1. What is quizzo?
   Quizzo is a bar game that seems to have originated in Ireland and made it's way here to Philadelphia. There are different versions of it at different bars. Here's the way mine works:
   
   
   
   • There are four rounds, with ten questions in each round.
   
   
   • The first round is the easy round. All of the questions are relatively easy and are worth one point apiece.
   
   
   • The second round is the 50/50 round or speed round. Each question only has two possible answers and each question is worth two points apiece.
   
   
   • The third round is the wild card round. There is a different topic each week and each question is worth three apiece.
   
   
   • The fourth round is the impossible round. Each question is worth 5 points apiece.
   
   
   • There are weekly double questions in rounds 1, 2, and 4, so the highest possible score would be a 119.
   
   


2. Has there ever been a perfect score?
   Yes, there have been two perfect score in JGT quizzo sinee i began in 2003. One was recorded by the Sofa Kingdom in 2005. The other was recorded by the Narcotyzing Dysfunktion in September of 2008. Both perfect scores took place at the Bards, long renowned as a pitcher's ballpark.
3. Is your real name Johnny Goodtimes?
   Yes. Johnny Wood Goodtimes, IV, to be precise.
4. How long have you been doing this?
   I started at Nick's Roast Beef in 2003. When I started I was doing a sports quizzo as sort of a hobby. I've been doing it full time since March of 2004.
5. Have any of the answers to your questions ever been wrong?
   No, Johnny Goodtimes is infallible.
6. What do I get for winning?
   A gift certificate to the bar and, more importantly, the glory that comes with a photo on the website.
7. Are you as sexy as you look on the website?
   I'm even sexier in person. I was recently voted "Philadelphia's Sexiest Bachelor."
8. By who?
   Myself.
9. Oh. Hey, did you really train dolphins?
   Yes, I worked for Dolphin Quest in Hawaii from 1998-2000.
10. Why would you move here from Hawaii?
    Because I'm a moron.
11. Do you do parties?
    Yes, Johnny will liven up any office event, private party, wedding, or soccer riot with a special quizzo for the occasion. For more info, click here.
12. Is heroin really bad for you?
    No, that's a lie they teach you in school. Heroine is, however, a gateway drug that could eventually lead you down a trail of coffee drinking and glue sniffing.

The last Civil War widow just died. Seriously!