May 2004 Archives

A few last words from men about to be executed.

Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel.
Executed in electric chair in New York.~~ George Appel, d. 1928

You sons of bitches. Give my love to Mother.
Executed in electric chair.~~ Francis "Two Gun" Crowley, d. 1931

How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? French fries.
Executed in electric chair in Oklahoma.~~ James French, d. 1966

I'd rather be fishing.
Executed in electric chair, Louisiana.
~~ Jimmy Glass, d. June 12, 1987

I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.
Executed by injection, Oklahoma.
~~ Thomas J. Grasso, d. March 20, 1995

Here's some great Nixon quotes that were recently released by Kissinger.

There will be no quizzo on Monday at Doc Watson's, due to the holiday. Johnny was apparently in the holiday spirit on Sunday night, as the paparazzi caught the original King of Goodtimes out at 2:00 a.m., eating pizza from Lorenzo's on South Street. Some reports indicate that he may have had alcohol in his system. Johnny was not pleased. "Can't an international mega-star grab a slice of pizza with three female admirers without a gaggle of photographers gathering around?" he shouted, leaving bystanders impressed with his use of the word gaggle.

Hold the Cheese was able to hold off Special Ed Ed at the Good Dog on Thursday, 94-84. But the controversy occurred after the game, when an embittered member of the Deep Fat Fryer (who finished a disappointing fourth) accused Johnny of putting her friends on the website a few weeks ago just because they were cute. Johnny was outraged at the insinuation. "That certainly wasn't the case when I put the Jersey girls on the site last week. And do you really think I took that photo below at the Bards on Tuesday simply because the girls were cute? No, it was because I liked their moxie. And I'm not the only one that's upset by these accusations. The hot girls that played at Watson's a few weeks ago are livid."

Eeyore, a WTFer playing without the Big Bopper and the rest of the squad, pulled off an upset for the ages, knocking off the Rocket Scientists in Overtime. It was the Rocket Scientists second straight overtime loss, and afterwards the team was devastated. "It was tough enough to take the loss," said Scientist Bud Lotion, "But then to listen to that son of a b**** play 'I Am the Champions', well that was just too much."

Track and Field Jesus, a team of biblical archaelogists, were able to shock the Goats, 91-90, and emerge victorious at the Bards on Tuesday. But the real excitement took place after the match, when T 'n' F Jesus unveiled the inspriation behind their team name: new computer technology that showed a few extra details in the Shroud of Turin (below).

This one's about a man who's bringing his ex-wife along with him on his honeymoon.

Yo!, consisting of Grandmaster Bob (center) and the Furious Three, won an appearance on Yo! MTV Raps w/ Fab Five Freddy by winning at the Rendezvous on Wednesday. "Yeah, we kicked it wit' Fab Five on the set," said Bob. "The whole posse was going to percolate back to my crib after that, but then some sucker MC's tried to front, and we had to bum rush the show. Word to ya Mutha." In other news, the girls on 2nd place Presidential Road Rash (below) still refuse to play Scrabble with Johnny. "Johnny's trying to pick up foxes with Scrabble?" added Bob. "Man, that is one wack homeboy. Word to ya Mutha."

Team Hater was able to pull off a victory at O'Neals on Tuesday night, despite team member Richard Nixon being completely wasted. "He was just shouting about how much he hates janitors, and how he would never give Checkers back," said Hater Seth Muckraker. "It was embarrassing. I really wish Miranda hadn't invited him."

Fo' Drizzle was able to squeak out a win at Doc Watson's on Monday night, edging Sloe Gin Quiz, 76-74. And once again Slick "Tank-Top" Harringslack was able to provide a winning team with a spark, just like last week at the Bards. "I don't remember that guy being there," said team member Randolph Mustard. "But if it's on johnnygoodtimes.com, then it must be true."

Gary Condit and Rick Rockwell ("Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire") both appeared in the movie "Return of the Killer Tomatoes" starring George Clooney. Also, I got an e-mail regarding the war that I thought was interesting, although I disagree with most of it. It's on the message board.

Possible terrorism at 30th Street? Nope, just a sleepy SEPTA employee.

Check this story out about a guy who coated his hotel room with Vaseline.

The bad news was that Dubya fell off his bike on Saturday. The good news is that he inspired this week's question. What was the name of Chuck's bike store in Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure? (w/o question one of Johnny's favorite all-time movies.) And no, Amazing Larry doesn't have anything to share with the rest of us.

Women Without Teeth were able to pull out a victory at the Good Dog on Thursday night. But it was the women with teeth, the Hot Jersey Girls, who provided much of the excitement, finishing, um...who the hell cares what they finished? They're Hot Jersey Girls!

The Blind Squirrels, who provided the inspiration for "Shrek," made a sequel on Wednesday at Nick's Roast Beef, crushing the second place finishers, Quiz Eye for the Straight Guy. Though the characters were a little different this time around, the result was the same. And more importantly, it provides me with the perfect opportunity to provide the link I promised last week, showing that Banderas did indeed hold Timberlake's hand at a screening of Shrek 2.

As you all know, the movie Shrek was based on a true story. And darn if the people who inspired the beloved tale didn't show up and win at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, knocking off the Rocket Scientists in overtime. "It was a big win for us," said Jackass (he's called Donkey in the movie).

The Billikins were able to hold off the Broad St. Bullies in a Wild West style shootout at Locust Rendezvous on Wednesday, 104-103. But in the end, it hardly seemed worth it, as the $25 gift certificate will hardly cover the damage done to a number of liquor bottles. "I don't mind losin' a bartender or two in these shootouts," said bar owner Tex Snidely, "But I'll be damned if they think they'se agwanna get away with shootin' up a bottle of George Dickel."

The Western Omelette promised a surprise at the Bards on Tuesday, and boy did they deliver! Slick "Tank-Top" Harringslack, left, carried the Omelette thru rounds 3 and 4 en route to a blowout. And thanks to the miracle of Photoshop, I think he may be showing up at quizzo for weeks to come.

After yet another victory at O'Neals, S2 was honored with a mural in South Philly. But their elation was short lived, as vandals spray painted the wall that very night. "This has all the looks of a Team Hater operation," said policemen Victor Garbonzo. A spokesman for the Haters, Miranda Ritez, said that such talk amounts to blasphemy. "We would never vandalize anything in lime green."

A group of Minnesota Rock Stars, known as Mountain Mama and the Vodka Pants, won a tight contest at Watson's on Monday. The Pants were led by Minnesota rocker Prince, who owes his career almost entirely to Johnny, as Goodtimes let him sing after the T/F round a few times in the early 80's. Prince repaid Johnny with a tribute in the song "Kiss." (U just leave it all up to me, I know we could have a Goodtimes.) Anyways, after the contest, the members of the team smashed their guitars into Johnny's amp, because that's what rock stars do.

The Big Unit, who undoubtedly has the best mullet in sports, threw a perfect game last night, which raises an obvious question: Has there ever been a perfect game in Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacualr history? The answer is no, though three teams have come extremely close. Easy Money, who has the all time high score of 116 (out of a possible 118), missed two questions in Rd. 1 and then never missed another question. Two teams have had perfect scores going into the final question. The Missing Heads would have had a perfect score on December 3rd at the Black Sheep, but they misspelled the city of Reykjavik by one letter. Then the Western Omelette had a perfect score through 39 questions at the Bards on Jan. 20th, but missed the question "What was the only film Jimmy Stewart ever won a Best Actor Oscar for?" The quest for Quizzo immortality continues. And while we're on the topic of baseball, check out this site which claims that former Phillie Von Hayes is the devil.

Quizzo tonight (Thursday) will be held at the following locale:
Good Dog (224 South 15th Street) 8:00 p.m.

The Johnny Goodtimes Comedy Spectacular will be taking place on Sunday, May 23rd at Doc Watson's (11th and Locust). The show will showcase local comedians Dan Goodman, Steve Zorbalas, and *** ****** and of course, Johnny Goodtimes. Tickets are only $5, and showtime is 8:30 p.m. There is NOTHING you will find more entertaining on Sunday night than this show. That is a guarantee from me, Johnny Goodtimes.

A recent article listed Los Angeles as the number one sports town in America. Read Johnny's reaction to this news on the message board.

When the Black Sox fixed the 1919 World Series, what team did they lose to?

Smarty Jones proved that he's every bit as intelligent as his name implies, as he led the Blind Squirrels to victory at the Good Dog on Thursday. "There's been a lot of pressure on Smarty since the Derby," said trainer Dummy Smith. "We thought a night out on the town, throwin' back a couple of road sodas would loosen' him up for Preakness."

The Goats, after hiding in a giant horse and slipping behind the walls of the Western Omelette, emerged to slay the opposition at the Bards on Tuesday. As to why he refused a helmet for the fourth round battle, Chet Bumstead replied, "I never wear protection."

Sunday will mark the 20th anniversary of Andy Kaufmann's "death", but the above photo proves that he's not dead at all, but simply a regular at O'Neals! As you can see from the before and after photos (Andy's on the far right of the team photo), his facial features have changed very little in the last twenty years, and rumor has it that he's still wrestling women!

We Don't Need Regan was able to win at Nick's Roast Beef, despite rising gas prices. "What does that have to do with our victory?" asked team member Chuck Chillout. Johnny has no idea.

With the success of their Happy Dance well documented, local promoters are bending over backwards to hire the Broad Street Bullies. The Bullies will be featured dancers at this weekend's Harleysville Polka and Folk Art Festival, much to the chagrin of the Pintkowski Brothers (below). "We've worked all year to be the featured dancers at this years Festival," said Stinky Pintkowski (middle). "And then some flash-in-the-pan hot shot city boys celebrate after winning some stupid bar game, and they get star status. You can expect this to come up in the next town council meeting."

In what would have been the biggest comeback in JGT Quizzo history, the perennial champs the Missing Heads fell just short of coming from 16 back in the final stanza to win the contest, allowing the Rocket Scientists to escape with the victory. The Heads could have won, but they changed the right answer on a question about "Clue." Ironically, soon after the game ended Francis Boddy of the Missing Heads was found dead in the Conservatory with a candlestick lying by his head. "We're pretty sure that Ms. Scarlet did it," said Philly police chief Frank Quizzo, III. "But she's just so damn sexy, there's no way we can press charges."

Il Cinema Infanticido was able to squeak past Scratchin' and Survivin'...Goodtimes 94-90 at Doc Watson's on Monday. The Lab Dancers (below) finished last despite the fact that Johnny allegedly gave them bonus points just for being cute. "What? Are my critics really saying that? Well, that's 100% not true," countered Goodtimes. "Well, at least 40% not true."

Who played the Wicked Witch of the West in the 1939 production of the Wizard of Oz?

Johnny lost the photo of Los Snachos after their impressive win at O'Neals. What makes the loss even more tragic is that they have cute girls on that team. "Mmprrh efffrtn," it sounded like Johnny said afterwards, but it was hard to tell for sure because he had his head up his ass.

Johnny really likes the guys on the Missing Heads a lot. Really kool guys, the lot of 'em. But he's just really tired of seeing them on his website. So instead the photo you see here is one of the foxes who finished fourth, Badpickuplines.com. Any complaints?

The Broad Street Bullies bruised the competition on Wednesday, finishing 27 points ahead of the 2nd place team, Yo! The team, which is the last in the league to play without a helmet, is as tough as nails, yet also displayed a sensitive side with a stirring rendition of the world famous "Happy Dance" after the victory. Bobby Clarke did not participate in said dance.

Slutty Bubbalutty edged out Special Ed Ed at Good Dog on Thursday, 96-91. But the real story was that the team played with Rebecca Loos, the woman who supposedly had an affair with David Beckham. Posh Spice was not pleased. "What?" she screamed. "She makes a name for herself by having an affair with my hubby, and then she tries to keep her name in the news by playing quizzo at Good Dog? What a worthless whore." Bobby Pendegrass of the winning team disagreed. "I was hoping she was a worthless whore, but no such luck."

As if winning six Oscar's wasn't enough, "Chicago" took it's show on the road and won big at Nick's on Wednesday. But not everyone was pleased. "Richard Gere sucks," said Joe the bartender, "And I better not see him in here again."

The Western Omelette was able to knock off their hated rivals the Goats in a thrilling Overtime victory at the Bards on Tuesday. Jeremy Roenick was able to slip one past Chet Bumstead in the extra frame, but even with the win the rest of the team was too tired to celebrate. "Mentally and physically drained," said White Wilt Chamberlain, who scored an assist on the winning goal. "That's what quizzo will do to you this late in the season."

What? Do you really think I forgot the team's name that won at Doc Watson's on Monday? That's ridiculous! Are you kidding me? What? Oh, like I'm going to try to distract you from the facts by showing a picture of my favorite hairdo ever! I took that photo at the Phillies game Thursday! Isn't it great! Seriously, that guy was sitting right behind me.

What now famous performer spent three years at San Quentin for committing a robbery in 1957?