April 2004 Archives

Thursday was a big day for Mr. Goodtimes, as he visited the Mayan ruins of Tulum and Coba. But headlines were made before he departed, as he announced at an impromptu press conference in his hotel room (attended by no one) that he was giving up on Mexican women. While Johnny refused to announce any reasons behind this decision, most believed it was a decision made out of sheer frustration, as it seemed that most Mexican cuties weren't real interested in a gringo with a wealth of useless trivia knowledge. While Johnny did concede that he hadn't been having a lot of luck with the Mexican ladies, he refused to blame himself, instead pointing the finger at a number of other factors, including the language barrier, Hernan Cortes, and Vicente Fox. At the ruins, he climbed to the top of a 12 story pyramid at Coba, and in a sheer display of savagery, threw a family of four off the top.

What was the name of the hotel in the Shining?

After overdosing on tequila on Sunday, Johnny was rescued by a sea lion, who gave him life saving CPR. The sea lion, named Daisy, saw the prone Goodtimes on the side of the street in Mexico, and immediately rushed to his aid. Critics were skeptical. "Come on," said Juan Carlos Tortilla. "We all know that Goodtimes has had absolutely no success hooking up with Mexican girls since he got here. So when he saw this sea lion walking down the street, he realized it was probably his best chance of getting a kiss while on vacation." Johnny responded, "That's entirely probably not true."

In other news: Two days until showtime. There is a big cruise coming here on Wednesday and there's going to be a packed house. So they want to have the new sea lion show done by then. That means I will need to have written the script and the trainers will have to have memorized their lines in 8 days. I really don't know if it is possible, but I guess we're going to try. Also, these 2 for 1 marguarita deals rule.

It´s been hard to find anything to complain about here, but you all know me. I´ll find something. And I´m not even kidding about the pizza. But the Mexican food is great. The staff at the facility is amazing. They do like a 20 minute sea lion show, and my rewrite is pretty damn funny, if I do say so myself.

Now I know what you´re all thinking. You´re thinking that I´m spending my time taking advantage of the free chips and salsa at the local cantinas, getting really drunk every night, and getting shot down by beautiful women. But that´s simply not true. Most of the women that shoot me down aren´t even that attractive. Speaking of ugly, Tuesday night sure was. I went out with some of the guys I work with, and grabbed some tacos. I also learned that beer is supposed to be drunk with salt, so I´ve been doing that lately. Because I´m a local. Now as you all know, drinking tequila makes you smarter. So that´s why I found myself climbing a narrow stairwell to the top of the clock tower in the center of town at about one o´clock in the morning (please don´t tell my mom). A policeman apparently saw me and my buddy climb out the door When he asked what we were doing, my friend answered, ¨We went in the door on the side of the clock tower because we thought it was a bathroom." The cop seemed satisfied with that answer, so I didn´t have to bust out a five spot this time. Interesting fact about the cops in Mexico: They have to buy their own guns, so a lot of them have nines and M-16s.

Most of the Americans here are obnoxious toolbags from places like Texas and Florida who wear flourescent pink tank tops and t-shirts which say things like, "I´m shy, but I have a big ****." So I spend almost all my time hanging out with the Mexicans and Mayans from work who are all extremely kool. Well, I gotta catch the bus home, but I´ll write again soon.

It was supposed to be a simple ride home. Well, not home of course, but my friend Renato's house. My buddy Chris was driving me there after he and I had spent an hour watching high school kids on spring break act like idiots at Senor Frogs, and I was asking him about the Mexican police. "I`ve never had a problem with the police," he said, turning into the driveway of Renato's house, "But Renato told me that if you run into them, you just have to apy them off." At that moment, I kid you not, police lights came on. A cop pulled up to Chris and began speaking in Spanish. When Chris and I began staring at him blankly, he realized that we didn't speak it, so he began screaming in heavily accented English, "You are going the wrong way!" Chris answered, "But we`re in a parking lot." The cop shot back, "Do you want to go to the police station? Do you want to go to the police station?" Chris answered, "No sir, not at all." He quickly reached for his wallet and grabbed a $5 bill. "Here you go." The officer grinned. "Thank you," he said, and drove off. Justice had been served cold-Mexican style. I would write a lot more, but the computer here at my hotel is extremely frustrating to use, because a bunch of the symbols on the keyboard have been smudged off, and the punctuation marks are not where they should be. Anyway, I am currently not in Cancun, but on the island of Cozumel, and I`m rewriting the script for the sea lion show. Tonight, I will be joining some of my friends for beers and tacos. I will write again soon. Take care-Johnny

What was the name of Underdog's girlfriend?

There will be quizzo over the next two weeks, hosted by two of Johnny's cousins. Here's the line-up.

Monday: Doc Watson's hosted by Benny Pleasurable Experiences 8:30 p.m.
Tuesday: O'Neals hosted by P.D. Hardtimes 8:00 p.m.
Wednesday: Locust Rendezvous by P.D. 6:15 p.m.
Thursday: Good Dog hosted by Benny 8:00 p.m.

By the way, the picture at the top is the Mona Lisa made entirely of burnt toast. I am hoping to keep a journal of my trip on the website. We'll see what kind of internet access I get down there. Check back. I'll try to send back as many photos of hot chicks back as I can. And for all you ladies, I'll be sending back pics of me in a bathing suit, with a tan photoshopped in. By the way, there will only be one set of questions a week, so you'll have to limit yourselves to one quizzo a week until I get back. Sorry, but I'm not going to spend my whole vacation coming up with questions about vice-presidents in the 1820's.

The Bridge Over the River Quiz, with some help from Che Guevara, were able to overthrow the imperialist regime of the Blind Squirrels and thrust themselves into power at the Good Dog. "Yeah, Che got us pretty fired up," said team member Milo McSweeney. "In fact, after the game, it was decided that next we should overthrow the capitalist regime in Bolivia in a stunning coup d'etat. That's when I remembered that I had to be at work at 8:30 the next morning, so we had to call the whole thing off."

Two weeks ago, it was an April Fools Day Joke, but on Tuesday at O'Neals, it was no joke. Philadelphia's new favorite underdogs shocked the world after everybody had given up on them. Everybody, that is, except for Mickey, who guided them to the inspirational victory.

The Blind Squirrels Won at Nick's Roast Beef, but soon came under fire when it was reported that they were the ringleaders behind last weeks vicious squirrel attack at the Bards. Though the team has denied the allegations, Jim Gardner recently reported that the majority of the Allentown Flying Squirrels are blind, and that the team is currently being held for questioning. Gardner went on to say that this is the most ridiculous story he has ever been a part of, and he thinks Johnny is really just beating a dead horse with this flying squirrel thing.

The Missing Heads were victorious at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, but it's Johnny Goodtimes who will be enjoying the spoils of victory. That is, of course, assuming that Mexican women like skinny guys who can't speak Spanish and need to wear alot of sunblock.

...That my friends here on the Shenanigans blew out the competition at Locust Rendezvous on Wednesday, while scoring a week high 110 points. The Goofy Guesses (below) meanwhile could have used my help. They finished dead last. Not many people know this, but the term dead last comes from..."

The Shotwads blew out the comeptition at the Bards on Tuesday, with help from rap icon Fifty Cent. "It was nice having Fifty there," said Shotwad Melanie McSweeney. "In the past, I've felt at times like I was the only member of this team keeping it real." Added team member Franz Havlicek, "Smart move by Fifty to wear his bulletproof vest. I usually wear mine when I go to the Bards as well."

In what many are considering the biggest upset since the Revolutionary War, Like a Prayer...Shawl? knocked off Getting Into the Paris Hilton and the defending champs Thru Rain, Sleet, or Quizzo at Doc Watson's on Monday. When reached for comment, Revolutionary War leader George Washington said, "Yeah, beating the redcoats was pretty shocking, but I never thought I'd live to see the day when a team that included Frank Dombrowski and Jeff "Slick" Savage won anything besides Naked Chick Photohunt on the Megatouch."

After an exhaustive search, Johnny was able to find the results of a contest which took place in March of 1923 at Doc's Speakeasy (Now known as Doc Watson's Pub). The winners were The Bastart Children of Claire Huxtable, a surprising team name considering that "The Cosby Show" would not debut for another 61 years.

Menkerdoodle did it again, in heartbreaking fashion. For at least the eigth time (I'm serious) they finished in second place at a Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular, as Women Without Teeth knocked them out at the Good Dog, 80-78. They thought they could break the jinx by bringing a hot bridesmaid to the contest, but alas, all that did was bring further misfortune. (We think you can figure out for yourself what happened when Johnny made an advance on the bridemaid.) Also, making a surprise guest appearance for round four was White Wilt Chamberlain, desperate to get some free press after losing at the Bards on Tuesday.

Goodtimes Groupies became the first team to ever win two different quizzos in one week, as they utilized the strength of The Rock to knock off Bombs Over Baghdad, 96-86.. "Yeah, it was kool to have the Rock on our side," said Groupie Toby Witherspoon, "But I really didn't think he had any reason to hit that guy on the second place team over the head with the 2x4."

The Missing Heads returned to number 1 spot on Wednesday night with a 106-94 victory over WTF at the Black Sheep. When on their game, the Heads are possibly the toughest team to defeat in Quizzo. "I'll testify to that," said Condie Rice, below.

In a cruel twist of fate, the Pioneers, led by Cleveland Indian outfielder Matt Lawton, were able to knock off the Outlaws at Locust Rendezvous on Wednesday, but they lost $200,000 in bling. "This is shocking. I mean, we had over $200,000 in bullion cubes and diamond necklaces on the table one minute, and the next minute, we got nothin'," said team member Birdie McSweeney. "I bet the maid stole it," added Lawton.

In a shocker that I'm sure plenty of you saw covered on Action News on Wednesday, the Goats were attacked by a flying squirrel shortly after knocking off the Western Omelette, 99-89. "I knew we shouldn't have brought that trail mix to the bar," said team member Chet Bumstead, who suffered lacerations to the face and aloha shirt during the confrontation. Philadelphia is preparing for the worst, as the flying squirrels continue their spring migration from Allentown.

Hans Solo shocked the galaxy at O'Neals on Tuesday night, emerging victorious, 101-98, over S2. When Goodtimes told him before the match that the odds of him winning were 3,720-1, Hans told Johnny defiantly, "Never tell me the odds." Chewbacca helped a little bit in round one, but his loud screeching annoyed the other customers, and he was kicked out of the bar. "His feeling were hurt," said Hans, "But I told him to just grab a slice from Lorenzo's and wait in the Falcon, and he was kool with that."

Goodtimes' Groupies were able to pull away in the final round to knock off the Bastard Children of Claire Huxtable, 93-88, at Doc Watson's on Monday. Groupies are just a fact of life for the master quizzologist. "Yeah, they're everywhere," says Goodtimes. "A lot of people think that my life is just a continuous cycle of sex, drugs, and quizzo. They're right."**

**Johnny would like to remind kids to stay away from drugs, or they too may wind up photoshopping hot groupies onto their websites and pretending like they're big time celebrities who score a lot of tail.

Johnny's streak of going to weddings without hooking up with a bridesmaid reached double digits this past weekend in Virginia Beach, and he ended his Saturday night sleeping alone in a chair. "Hey, almost all the girls at the thing were taken already. I really didn't have a chance." Not so, says Goodtime basher Goobie Treehearne. "Johnny just has no game. That worthless knowledge rap may work with the chicks in Philly, but babes in Virginia Beach could really give a shit about who the last Whig president was." Johnny quickly fired back. "First of all, Millard Fillmore was the last Whig president. Secondly, I'd love to know what gives Goobie the impression that the worthless knowledge rap works with chicks in Philly." At that point, local voice of reason Kix Drummond chimed in. "Listen, Johnny Goodtimes is like a rock star, except that he's not kool, he doesn't have any money, and he never pulls any leg."

What King was known as "Longshanks"? (I'll need a name and #, for example
Henry VIII)

Satan, sensing a chill, shot up from bed on Wednesday night and ran to his window. "When I saw snow falling," said the King of the Underworld, "I knew that somehow, the Nation of Quizlam had avoided choking in Quizzo." The Nation of Quizlam has always been expected to choke in the fourth round. But this week they avoided a meltdown and won handily, and Beelzebub was left out in the cold. "PGW better not start thinking they can bend me over a counter like they do Johnny Goodtimes when it's freezing in Philly. I'm Satan, b****!"

Just a day after freezing, conditions in hell returned to normal, as Menkerdoodle choked yet again in the fourth round, this time at Good Dog, allowing The Bridge Over the River Quiz to escape with the victory. "Yep, oppressive heat, stifling humidity, and a sickening stench have returned," remarked Lucifer. "Thank goodness for Menkerdoodle. What a topsy turvy world this would be if they hadn't of choked! But it's nice to know there are some things we can always count on."

The Methane Probes won a Thriller at the Black Sheep on Wednesday, knocking off the WTF in overtime after the teams dueled to a 102-102 tie. "It's kool, I guess," said team member Sammy "Six Finger" Sassafras. "I mean, I listened to that album so many damn times when I was nine that I'm burned out on it for life. So I'm not going to sit here and say that I wanted to win a Thriller. But if that's what Johnny offers as a prize, we'll take it."

The Pope was shocked earlier today when he prepared to climb into the popemobile for a late afternoon cruise-only to discover that it had been towed! Apparently, he had left the 1998 Land Rover with the bulletproof glass in the back in a 2 hour parking space, and did not return for almost 2 hours and 45 minutes.

Pope spokesman Marco "Booger" Constantine was not pleased. "Come on, I could see towing the popemobile if he had blocked a driveway or something, but this is ridiculous. I mean the man relays messages from God to billions of people, and he can't get a little leeway from the parking commission?"

"Absolutely not," said Vatican City Parking Commission Chairman Michelangelo "Dusty" Ravioli. "To be honest with you, we're a little sick of the Pope's holier than-though-attitude when it comes to parking privileges. Did you know that he owes over $2,000 dollars in fines? Who does he think he is, Angel Ortiz?"

Constantine reported that the Pope would have no choice but to cruise Vatican City in his 1989 Ford Festiva L. "It's not the best thing going, but it does get great gas mileage as well as FM radio. The front end has a little dent from where we had an incident at the post office a few years back, but other than that she's in pretty decent shape."

The Pope declined an offer from Ford to do a radio ad for the Festiva.

The Boo Cubs Yoga Emporium pulled off the impossible at O'Neals, becoming the first team in quizzo history to record a perfect score. "Johnny, those sixth place finishes we had been achieving in previous weeks were really just a mirage," said team member Nick Popadopolous. "We hadn't tapped into the other 90% of our brain. That is, until we read 'Dianetics" by L. Ron Hubbard."***

***Ok, Ok, April Fools. So Team Hater won, scoring an impressive 109 points in the process, but the Boo Cubs did finish an impressive second.

The Western Omelette was able to win a tight contest against Glass Joe at the Bards on Tuesday. Joe, a 38 year old tomato can and father of 12, was no match for the firepower packed by the Omelette. The "Glass Jaw of France" landed some lucky punches early, but after hopping to the top of the ring to taunt the Omelette, White Wilt had had enough. "Two body blows, two head shots, and he was done," said Wilt. There will be no rest for the Omelette, however. They have an upcoming match with Von Kaiser, a German boxer with a 23-13 record. The winner gets to take on Piston Honda for the belt.

The Broad Street Bullies humbly won at the Locust Rendezvous, recapturing some of that summer of 2003 magic. After the contest, they quietly accepted their prize, congratulated the other teams on a job well done, and swore off their once beloved "happy dance." April Fools.