March 2004 Archives

Johnny will be appearing at the following locale tonight:
Good Dog 224 South 15th Street 8:00 p.m.

What's the only b-ball team to win both the NIT and the NCAA basketball tournament in the same year?

In offering proof that he's not just some small, vapid piece fo meat, Mini- Fabio led S2 to an impressive victory at O'Neals on Tuesday. "We weren't happy with all those babes on the site last week," said team member Holly Ratchit. "We wanted some studs on the site. The real Fabio was busy, but Mini- Fabio was nice enough to play with us."

The Deep Fat Fryer was the first ever team to win quizzo at the Good Dog, edging Women w/o Teeth 93-88. "The only fair comparison you can really make," said Baron von McGee of the DFF, "Is with Charles Lindberg crossing the Atlantic. I mean, except we weren't in a plane, weren't ever in any inherent danger, and had zero people waiting for us in Paris when it was all over."

Not since Pee Wee Herman danced atop a bar for the Private Club of the Satan's Helpers to the tune of "Tequila" has there been a dance as ugly as the Happy Dance, but there it was in all of it's glory on Wednesday, as the Broad Street Bullies celebrated their victory at the Locust Rendezvous. "If Terrell Owens needs any help with his end zone celebrations this year, we'd definitely help him out with his choreography," said team member Spuds McSweeney.

Don't call it a comeback. Screwed the Pooch came from 12 points down in the final round to knock off the Nation of Quizlam at Nick's Roast Beef by 13 points. Sadly the Nation, who had the double digit lead heading hit into the final stanza, hit an iceberg midway through the fourth round. The disaster was so dramatic, so amazing, that Leo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet have already been signed to do a really awful movie about it.

The Porn Stars emerged victorious at the Black Sheep on Wednesday. The team, which includes several "handy" men, had only shown up when it heard that the Black Sheep's pool was broken. "We showed up to fix the pool, and were surprised to discover that the man of the house was away on a business trip," said Big John Stroke. "After playing a quick game of quizzo and sharing a few drinks w/ the woman of the house (Sapphire Jackson) we did a quick inspection of the place," said team captain Thrust Hamilton. "That's when we discovered the problem wasn't the pool itself, but the pipes." Added Stroke, "This wasn't the type of problem you tackle alone: This is the type of problem you have to double team." Said Thrust, "Yeah, we make it a point to never lay pipe alone."

The Goats continued their winning ways at the Bards on Tuesday night, coming from nine down in the final round to pull off a victory. Meanwhile White Wilt Chamberlain, who was not pleased w/ the weekly double question about license plates, cried well into the night (photo below). The Cheap Hookers finished second, and Johnny was seen talking to them after the contest.

Despite dealing with an injury to Dwayne, who fell off his skateboard in the opening credits, the team of Dwayne, Rerun, Rog, and Shirley were able to pull away in round four at Doc Watson's Quizzo on Monday. The Quizard of Oz finished second. Later it was discovered that the team had been grounded and shouldn't have been out at all, something which came to light when Dee showed up. "Ooooh, I'm gonna tell mama!" she stated before storming out the door.

In a surprise decision, the NCAA ceded to the demands of Johnny Goodtimes and rescheduled the St. Joe's game on Thursday night. With the game scheduled for 7:30 p.m., officials were contacted by Goodtimes, who had a quizzo scheduled for 8 at the Good Dog. "It was one of those things where you make adjustments just to stay on the right side of a megastar like Goodtimes," said NCAA president Myles Brand. "We piss him off, and the next thing you know, nobody's watching this little tournament of ours." The game was moved to 9:50 p.m., just when quizzo should be ending.

After the devastating losses of three consecutive NFC title games, Philadelphians can finally raise their heads up high again-We're #1! We're the ugliest people in America! Nobody, and I mean nobody, is any uglier than we are! Well, I mean you guys are. Johnny was voted by the same publication to be "sexiest quizzo host in america" (have you seen the new moustache?) We also tend to be extremely unfriendly. Well, just for that, the magazine who did this stupid survey can go f*** itself. And as far as most stylish goes, we finished near the bottom their, too. Well, I feel like I dropped the ball on that one. As Philly's style ambassador, I feel like my winter collection was a little weak. I promise to step it up in the spring time. (P.S. The above photo captures the best of both worlds-the ugly, unfriendly jerks who kicked me out of a certain "historic" bar on New Years Day. Did you really think I was going to let that die? Did you?)

In 1932, Actress Peg Entwistle committed suicide by jumping off of what?

Due to camera problems experienced this week, I do not have pics of the winners. However, I did my best to keep the fans happy. Everything will be back up and running by next week.

The Bridge Over River Quiz crushed the competition at Locust Rendezvous on Wednesday, knocking off the second place Jams, 85-74. The Bridge, whose members are notorious ladies men, were met outside the Rendezvous by these four Philadelphia Cheerleaders, who took them out for a celebratory dinner. By the way, this is like the sixth time I've put Eagle cheerleader Mikki on the site, so if anybody knows her, please don't tell her about this page. She'll probably think I'm some sort of weirdo and slap a restraining order on me.

On a week when both the Haters and S2 fell to pieces in the final round, the Milt Thompson Experience stepped it up, knocking off Blue Steel, 88-86. I used to date the blonde in the picture, but she just wanted to use me for my useless trivia knowledge. I'm not just some piece of meat with an exceedingly large brain!

The Quizaholics Anonymous won at Doc Watson's on Monday night, squeaking past Your Mom's On Tap, 102-97. One of the first round round questions was, "What Hollywood superstar doesn't have time for relationships, so she just has sex in hotel rooms with her friends? Answer: Angelina Jolie. Which brings up this point: If anyone sees or talks with Angelina in the next few weeks, please tell her I'm a great listener, a good shoulder to cry on, and I have no problem keeping secrets.

The Goats blew past the Western Omelette in the final round of Tuesday night's Spectacular at the Bards and won 78-71. Knowing that team member Chet Bumstead would be furious if I put some hot chick up next to their story (I mean, for goodness sakes, he already had to run wingman for me the other night), I went ahead and put up his favorite, a dorky Jewish guy that I found on some dating site (Not that I was looking up guys on a dating site.) I'm not even sure this is legal.

Johnny Goodtimes went to the flower show on Saturday, but that doesn't mean that he's some sort of sissy, reports from Chinatown indicate. "There were a lot of other men there," said Johnny, though critics were quick to point out that most of them were either married or at the very least had a date. Johnny went on to say that he'll probably have pansies in his garden this year, but that he isn't one. "I mean, yeah, I get my ass kicked a lot, but I usually get a couple of lucky shots in here and there."

Beef up on your Ireland knowledge.

The Goats were contaminated strawberries and milk. The Western Omelette was Zachary Taylor. In other words, the Goats killed the Omelette, 101-97, because they knew that Zac Taylor had died (tragically) in 1850. By the way, many suspected that Taylor was murdered, so he was exhumed in 1991 and examined to see if there was arsenic in his system (true story). There wasn't. Then, somebody from UCLA sold his body on the black market.

In a highly controversial contest at O'Neals on Tuesday, Mama Goodtimes and the Haters were able to hold off the Shenanigans at O'Neals on Tuesday, 87-86. It didn't take long for the Shenanigans (several of whose members are currently under investigation by the JGEC) to cry foul. "This is an outrage," said team member Jay Schlitzenwacker. "I haven't seen nepotism this bad since Frank Stallone got the lead role in the movie Easy Kill."

Ferocious Dump had wanted to get the whole Clay Aiken episode behind them. "We're not even thinking about that clown now that William Hung is on the scene." Alas, they were forced to think about him one last time, as Johnny's camera "mysteriously" broke on Tuesday, forcing Johnny to use an old photo after the Dump's big win. "We have every reason to believe this was an act of sabotage, probably perpetrated by the QLA," said John Ashcroft from a hospital bed where hopefully he'll die. "It has all the earmarks of a QLA (Quizzo Liberation Army) strike. They're still mad that Johnny hasn't responded to their demands that the True-False Round be dissolved. If Johnny wasn't such a leftist pinko commie we would do a full investigation. "

Hawaii Quiz-O, hot on the trail of the evil Wo Fat, stopped by Nick's Roast Beef on Wednesday night, withstood a late charge from the Peco Power Play, and took a victory back to the islands. Then they noticed a local sleezebag, Otis "Silver Fox" Maplethorpe playing for another team. Danny Williams caught the swarthy bastard trying to escape out the door. Book 'em, Danno!

At first it looked like two of the guys on the Missing Heads squinted in the photo. Then, Johnny noticed something more sinister on the table: a deadly hooka! "We were just smoking tobacco from that thing," said
team member Smokey Jackson. "Yeah," added Doobie Roundtree. "Like, tobacco." The Ethics Committee has reported that there is currently debate over a bill that would require all quizzo participants to take random drug tests throughout the season. "That would be totally lame," said Missing Head captain Terry "Two Tokes" McGee, before rushing out the door and heading to Cin-A-Bun.

The Rag Tags, an unlikely combination of the Broad Street Bullies and Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe, joined forces on Wednesday to win big at the Locust Rendezvous. The two teams, who had some epic battles at Frank Clement's, decided to bury the hatchet in an attempt to rid the world of a common evil: The Jams. "I never thought we'd see these two squads on the same side," said Bully "Pistol" Pete Alworth. In other news, cats and dogs have decided to call a truce after years of bickering.

What two ships collided in the North Atlantic on July 25th, 1956?

Here they are: The top ten winners since we started keeping records at the start of September.

There will be a great comedy show at Doc Watson's, with several great local comedians performing, including Eric Todd and John Kensil. Johnny Goodtimes will be the MC. Showtime is 8:30 p.m. and tix are cheap.

Quiz U Iz or Quiz U Ain't won at Nick's Wednesday night, knocking off the Power Play, 86-78. But the big story was Nick's change of bartenders. Joe, an Olde City legend, was recently traded to Houston for Yao Ming. "Yeah, Ming isn't quite as polished as Joe was, and he doesn't speak real good English, but he can easily snag bottles off our top shelf," said bar owner Nick R. Beef. Nick's also got a 2005 2nd round draft pick in the deal.

The Broad Street Bullies With Special Guest Stars the Jams, two of quizzo's most succesful (and hated) franchises joined forces to leave their home turf of Locust Rendezvous and play at Black Sheep. They were able to overcome the home field advantage of the Missing Heads and W.T.F., knocking off the Heads in Overtime. The Bullies, who had cried long and hard at Rendezvous about whether or not Neil Armstrong had done any interviews since returning from the moon, were shocked to see Armstrong show up at the Black Sheep shortly after the contest. "It was really kool talking with Neil. I just wished he would have talked about his trip to the moon," said team member Joe Discapone. "But he just flat out refuses to talk about it."

They were seperated at birth, the result of a 50's genetic experiment. They were finally brought back together in the late '80's, and have formed an unlikely duo: One stronger in sports and history, the other in science and entertainment. Together, they were able to knock off the Jams and Broad Street Bullies and take the title at Locust Rendezvous.

White Wilt Chamberlain (highlighted) again hogged the spotlight at the Bards on Tuesday, desperately trying to keep himself in the news, even as the Western Omelette lost for the fourth straight week. I Found Love on the Flopper was able to pull off the victory, knocking off the second place Chowhounds by nine.

S2 has always been extremely popular in Port-au-Prince, but their first win in three weeks set off mass celebration right here in Philadelphia, as Haitians danced in the streets til dawn. "I've never really been able to explain our popularity amongst the Haitians. I mean, I'm not even sure where Haiti is. But it's kool, I guess," said "Chippy" of S2. In other national news, Alan Thicke withdrew his endorsement of the Can-AM Express, who went from worst to first in just one week. "Alan Thicke doesn't associate with losers," said Alan in the third person, "Besides Kirk Cameron."

The Troy McClure's were able to fight off the Sloe Gin Quiz on Monday night, despite tragically losing one of their leaders, Chucky Needlebump. Chucky, who had taken a part time gig as a prison guard at the Bastille, was overcome by a swarm of the bloodthirsty bourgeois. They led him to the Hotel de Ville, where, utilizing the most humane form of execution yet, they guillotined his head. "We were able to retrieve the head before they hung it on a post at the city gates," said team member and Jeanne Luc Pierre. "Viva La France! Viva La Troy McClure's!"

Skeletons in the Closet were able to knock out the competition at the first ever Johnny Goodtimes Marriage Spectacular. But
Mike "Dr." Love, who's celebration it was, wasn't entirely pleased with Goodtimes. "Listen, this was kind of a low key affair. I don't know why Johnny felt the need to show off by bringing his celebrity friends Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra. This was my day, not theirs." Johnny thinks Mike was just bitter because his team finished last, and Carmen and Dave played for the winners.

***Congratulations Mike and Beth!!!

If you see your name on this list, it means that you have contacted me and are interested in attending the party. Admission is free, and drinks are free from 10-12. If you are interested in attending, but have not contacted me yet or do not see your name on the list, please do so immediately!

Jason Sl.
Ignatio T.
Yasemin A.
Karen S.
John Y.
Mike
Heather
Darrin
Franklin
Johnny
Ignatio T.
Yasemin A.
Karen S.
John Y.
Mike
Heather
Darrin
Franklin
Johnny
Sarah
M. Hunsey
Darla
Carmen
Elena
jeremy
Alison Miller
Paige Coleman
Ann Price
Ignatio T.
Yasemin A.
Karen S.
John Y.
Mike
Heather
Darrin
Franklin
Johnny
Angie
Dave S.
Ksenia P
Chris F.
Brian G.
Meg F.
Ernie
Christian
Rita
Mary Lou
Heather
Stephen
Katy B.
Erin G.
Christina R.
Patrick W
Miranda G
Alberto G
Jay
Paris M.
Jackie M.
Shane T.
jason m.
alyssa
joe g.
jessie +1
adam
art E.
peggy n.
mark f.
george s.
kelly b
reid b.
karen l.
lisa p.
jessica c.
jennifer p.
derek c.
dan w.

Just to let everyone know, all results and announcements will be up on the website on Thursday, including announcements of his upcoming comedy show and new quizzo starting soon! Also, be sure to contact me about the party if you haven't already so I can put you on the list (free entrance and drinks if you are on the list.)

Who is Robert Van Winkle better known as?