February 2004 Archives

Hey gang, just letting you know I'll be having a "Playa Appreciation Party" for everyone who plays quizzo-and you and any friends you want to bring are all invited! Here's the situation: The party will be held Saturday, March 6th. Admission is free and there is an open bar (free booze) from 10-12. The party will be held at Tribecca, which is located at the corner of Richmond and Cumberland Streets (map below). Please e-mail me ASAP, and leave me the names of you and any friends you have that would like to come. I have 125 openings, so it is first come, first serve. Just Thanks, and I hope to see you all there!

The Can-Am Express was able to blow past the Isotopes in the final round to take the Phat Thursday Quizzo at O'Neals, as the Haters finished third and S3 finished an uncharacteristic 8th. The Can-AMers moved quickly to make a dedication after the contest. "Without the pioneering work of Alan Thicke, bringing Americans and Canadians together, I don't think any of this would have been possible," said Jason Taxishare of the Express. "He's an inspiration to us all."

Yonah and the Small Balls were able to escape from Nick's with a narrow victory after, holding true to form, the Nation of Quizlam choked in the final round. Needing only to name the seven dwarves to force an overtime, the Nation could not get Sneezy. And to make matters worse, the mistake left them out of the money, as Hinkley's Cold Storage finished second.

"W.T.F." was able to Weaken Their Foes on Wednesday and Win The Fiercest competition the Black Sheep has seen to date, knocking off the "Passion of the Goodtimes" and the Missing Heads, 81-80-79. "You know who this win was for?" asked team member The Big Bopper. "The ladies. That's who." Speaking of ladies, a team of remarkable cute blondes played, and not to toot his own horn, but they found Goodtimes so entertaining that they left midway through round three. W.T.F.?

The Jams were able to steamroll the competition at Locust Rendezvous on Wednesday, scoring an impressive 107 points in the process. But the big story was the much maligned but heretofore respected"Broad Street Bullies", who scored 0 points. Joe Discapone had no explanantion. "We just froze," said Discapone. "We were so busy being pissed off at Ernie that we just couldn't pay attention to the questions. We feel like he's trying to steal the Happy Dance and make it his own, and that is simply unacceptable." Yo! finished second with 96 points.

"Lost to Translations" was able to hold off the "Congratulations, you're on you're way to becoming america's next top model!" "Congratulations", who usually languish in the middle of the pack, was able to put up a furious fight against the 7-time champion Translations (aka the Goats), falling 84-83. The question that costed them dearly, "What did Alfred Binet invent?" Their answer, "That thing the Europeans wash their asses with" was unacceptable. The Shotwads cracked under the pressure and media spotlight accorded a defending champion, and finished with only 71. The Western Omelette finished third with 76. The only reason I even bother mentioning it is because they whine every week I don't talk about them.

You can see a tumor belonging to this president at the mutter museum.

In a scathing article three weeks ago, Johnny Goodtimes claimed that the City Paper was satisfied with being second best. He was eating those words on Wednesday, as staff members of the City Paper won at both Black Sheep and Nick's. Johnny, who claims he was misquoted (which doesn't make much sense, since he wrote the article), was humiliated after the events. To further discredit the Quiz Doctor, City Paper revealed it's cover for next week's paper (below).

Be prepared for Midnight Cowboy won at the Black Sheep on Wednesday night, coming from behind to squeak past the Dehydrated Turkish Sea Monkeys, 101-92. "I knew I should have given them more water," said a dejected little Mikey Baxter (Below).

The Jams were able to fight off their devastating loss from last Wednesday to pull off a come from behind win over the team that beat them last week, The Bridge on the River Quiz. Said the Bill Buckner of Quizzo, Ernie Polkawitz, "When I woke up this morning, there was a horse's head lying next to me in the bed. I knew I lost some people some big money last week with my bonehead play, and that it was vital to my own health that I not do it again."

The Shotwads pulled off a shocker on Tuesday Night at the Bards, coming from eight points back to defeat the six time champion Goats, 93-91. But that wasn't the only news on this night. Johnny suffered a badly jammed ring finger while handing out papers, and official JGT doctor Barney "Hacksaw" Wordsworth gave a grim prognosis. "The finger must be removed!" he shouted, before breaking into a fit of maniacal laughter. The critics were unmoved by Johnny's injury. "Johnny's trying to make a big deal out of this to get sympathy from the cute girls on the winning team," said White Wilt Chamberlain. "He's such a hoser."

To the untrained eye, it looks just like any old ATM machine in the city. But the Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee has eyes like hawks, and they noticed something fishy about the one in front of Team Hater. Upon further inspection, it appeared to be no ATM at all, but a supercomputer known in the Underground as the CompuQuizzo 3000. "We take this kind of thing very seriously, and trust you/me, we're going to get to the bottom of it," said committee member Jimmy "Superfly" Kielbasa. The controversy took away from a nice come from behind win for the Haters, who were able to blow past Los Snachos in the final round.

After three rounds, Quizzo's Harder than Michael Jackson at Disneyland and the Clinical Pearl Necklace were tied at 51 at Doc Watson's on Monday. But any chance the Necklaces had to win were shot when the Quizzo's scored forty in the final round to take the title. Michael Jackson, meanwhile, was furious at the team name, because "it implies something sexual. When I hide behind trees at Disneyland and stare at children, it isn't sexual. It's because I'm creepy."

What was the only film to win the Oscar for best pic despite having an X-rating at the time?

I felt like an astronaut in the 1960's, the time ticking down until I was to rise into the great unknown. But while they were going to be rising into the infinite expanse of space, I was to be going up into the body of an enormous wooden elephant, thus making this one of the worst analogies ever.
Being a hustler myself, I can certainly appreciate the entrepreneurial vision of James Vincent de Paul Lafferty, Jr. Owning a number of lots in Margate, N.J., he realized that the best way to get people to buy these undeveloped parcels of land was to negotiate with them inside a giant elephant. So in 1881, he had Lucy constructed for the unheard of sum of $25,000. He would take prospective buyers onto the elephants back, so they could look around and figure out which lot they wanted to buy.
Our tour guide, a teenager named Heather, led us up the remarkably steep staircase located inside one of Lucy's legs. At the bottom of the stairs was the old ticket booth, where people 100 years ago had payed ten cents to go into Lucy. Over the previous century, ticket prices had soared with inflation, and we had to pay the unheard of sum of $4.00! But once inside the exquisite beast, we realized that it had been money well spent. A beautiful wooden floor, a skylight, and the original bathtub(used when a physician lived here in 1902) highlighted the belly of the beast.
Other elephants were built in the 1880's (the heyday of enormous elephant buildings), one in the middle of a giant marsh in Cape May, which somehow didn't make it (you'd think a giant elephant out in the middle of the marsh would be a big money bonanza), and a colossus (122 ft tall!) on New York's Coney Island, which caught fire and fell to the ground. Lucy certainly had her share of close calls. Lafferty sold the creature in 1887, and in 1903 it was opened as a tavern. In 1904, some drunken jackass knocked over a oil lantern and nearly sent the beast down, to borrow a native New Jerseyite's term, "In a Blaze of Glory."
Speaking of drunken jackasses, I had spent the previous three nights getting in a bar brawl at a comedy show in northeast Philly, flirting with older women and hanging out at the "Dizzy Dolphin"with a member of Huey Lewis and the News, and losing money and eating bad food in A.C. So I was refreshed by the kool ocean breeze after climbing onto the howdah, or observatory, on Lucy's back. Heather informed us that the 65 foot tall elephant had been moved from down the street in 1970, when that property had been sold. There had been a media frenzy, and power and telephone lines were dropped to make way for the beast.
Alas, all good things must end, and it was time to make our way down the dangerous stairs one last time. A tangible feeling of history overwhelmed me, as I thought of the hundrds of people who had certainly tumbled down these very same steps over the years.
It was time to head back to Philly, but first we stop and ate at a little Colombian restaurant down the street from Lucy. I don't know what the astronauts ate when they returned from space, but I doubt their restaurant had a waitress who spoke almost no English and was as cute as ours.

The Wardrobe Malfunction was able to pull off a big 14 point win at Nick's on Wednesday night. "It was a big win for us," said former Brat-Packer James Spader (In photo, with Polo sweater and collar up.) As for Spader's future plans? "My career kind of stalled after the eighties. I'm hoping hanging out with an international megastar like Johnny Goodtimes will get me some 'ins' in showbiz."

Rainman showed up at the Black Sheep to guide Learn-Ed Hand Job to a remarkable victory. Only two true or false questions were able to throw off the Rainman and keep Learn-Ed from a perfect score.
"We had to keep our focus at the end there," said team member Chantilly Upshaw. "Raymond left the team with 4 questions to go muttering, "10 minutes to Wapner.'" But before he left Rainman was quoted as saying that Johnny's shirt was "very sparkly" and that yes, Goodtimes truly is "an excellent driver."

***It may come to a shock to some, but the above photograph and depiction of the events at the Black Sheep are a dramatization. And in order to pull off that dramatization a very attractive young lady was cropped out of the photo. But in keeping with Johnny's motto, "no cute chick left behind," we include a photo of her below.

Chet Bumstead of Koko's B****** was able to come closer to the correct answer in overtime to knock off Jeff Rattlesnake of Menkerdoodle, and the Doodles finished in second place for the fourth time in five weeks. "This victory was in homage to both Coco, who got screwed in the Westminster Dog Show, and Koko B. Ware, former wrestler and currently my pimp (in photo)."

America's fears came true on Tuesday at O'Neals, as one member of S2 revealed herself during the team photo after the team had won a thrilling come-from-behind, 105-103 victory over Team Hater. "I had no idea," said photographer Johnny G.* "I blame MTV." An immediate call was sent out to the Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee. "This is an outrage," said Committee Member Sparky Beefcake. "I got kids. I don't want them looking at that bulls***." The real shame was that it took away from one of the most spectacular finishes ever, with S2 coming from eight points down in the final frame to win it.

* We haven't revealed his last name to protect his identity.

In one of the most devastating losses in the history of not only quizzo, but in athletics in general, the Jams misspelled "Jethro Tull" as "Jethro Hull" in round four, costing themselves a victory and allowing Bridge Over the River Quiz to escape with a 93-89 victory. The Jams were quick to blame Ernie, who was in charge of the misspelling. "We'll never forgive him, the fans will never forgive him, and the city of Philadelphia will never forgive him," said teammate Cookie Fortnight. "What a choker."

The Wet Gremlin Fart carried themselves with the swagger of a champion Monday at Doc Watson's, arriving 20 minutes late and then crushing the competition, becoming only the second team at Doc Watson's to join the 100 point club. Then, in the team photo, they proved that they did all that with the handicap of being certifiably insane.

I didn't watch the Grammy's, because they're so stupid, but they still pissed me off. Who votes on the rap awards, Manny Mainstream? The winners were so pathetic. P. Diddy won one. Come on. P. Diddy is to hip-hop what George Bush is to the environment. Outkast is OK, but there's no way Speakerboxx is better than The Root's Phrenology. And while we're speaking of lack of talent, hey Grammy's, when you're going to do a cover of the greatest band EVER (The Beatles), here's an idea: How about not using Dave Matthews? I wish the Duke student cheering section would go to one of his concerts and repeatedly chant, "Over-Rated!" The reason my ex-girlfriend and I broke up was because she loved Dave Matthews, and I didn't want to have any potential child of mine being raised around that bulls***. And Vince Gill helped cover the Beatles tune? What??? What are you going to do next year, have Al B. Sure doing a tribute to Dylan? Oh, and a quick message to my washing machine: What the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you work in the following six hours after someone either takes a shower or goes to the bathroom? There used to be enough water in this house for all of my appliances. I haven't redirected any pipes, so what the hell happened? Way to go, Philadelphia Magazine, for putting Heather Mitts and A.J. Feeley on your cover. What an inspired choice. How come Johnny Goodtimes can't get an ounce of ink in this one-horse town while an ex-soccer player and the guy who holds McNabb's jock get on the cover of every magazine? Saw the movie "Miracle" on Friday night. It was pretty good, but they left out the best Herb Brooks line. With the team trailing Finland by a goal going into the third period of the final game of the '80 Olympics, Brooks shouted at the team, "If you don't win this one, you're going to take it to your graves." He began to walk out the door, then turned around, stared at his team, and yelled again. "To your f****** graves!" That's hardcore. Barbershop 2 was the #1 movie in America. Are you kidding me? The first one sucked, and I can't imagine the sequel being any better. If you want to bash me, please feel free, either on the message board or directly below. Oh, that's one more thing. You people bust my chops every time I do Quizzo, but then you're such sissies you won't put your feelings in writing. Come on! I'm Johnny Goodtimes. Beware My Wrath!

The keyboardist for what popular 70's rock band had a sex change two weeks ago?

An outrage has followed last nights quizzo at Nick's Roast Beef. I Want My M-Tit-V won with the only 100 point contest of the week, but the buzz was about the halftime show. At the conclusion of a duo between he and Janet Jackson, Johnny Goodtimes ripped off her bra, exposing her nipple. "For this to happen twice in four days is just ridiculous," said CBS spokesman Randolph McDanolph. CBS was covering Quizzo live at the time of the incident, and just over 70 million were tuned in. Goodtimes was flabbergasted. "Seriously, this time it was a wardrobe malfunction. She was actually supposed to rip my pants off, but when she reached over to do that, her bra fell off. It's really just a huge coincidence." McDanolph added that live TV programming is just too risky, so CBS will be going off the air for good next Wednesday, and concentrating on radio programming.

Only days after his winning kick against the Panthers, Adam Vinatieri made his way to the Black Sheep on Wednesday to team up with W.T.F. And wouldn't you know it, they squeaked out a one point win when the Pats kicker nailed the last question of the contest. "All the other teams were whining because one of the Fourth round questions was 'Spell Vinatieri'," said team member The Big Bopper. "But if they had stopped whining for a minute, they would have noticed that he had his jersey on, and they could have spelled it right off his back."

The Iowa Caucus, with a little help from Snoop D-O double G were able to pull off a spectacular come from behind victory at the Locust Rendezvous. Twelve points down going into round Four, Snoop put on his game face. "That Snoop Dogg is something else. He really knows his ancient history and world geography," said team member Cathy Reefsnyder. "And I think Johnny owes a debt of gratitude to him as well. You know, before Snoop got involved, this used to be called the Johnny Goodtimes Q Spectacular. Snoop added the izzo."

The Western Omelette was able to pull off the rare four-peat Tuesday night, outlasting Johnny Wants Porno for His Birthday, as well as the Thiefs(pictured below), who were unable to finish higher than fourth, despite the fact that they had a computer. "The girls on their team were pretty cute," said Johnny, "So I kind of let it slide." Bret "The Barber" Beefcake (in pink hat) was overjoyed about the chance to redeem himself. "A couple of weeks ago, I kind of embarrassed myself by having my fly open. Tonight was all about regaining my dignity."

Team Hater was able to fight off the competition on Tuesday and win their second straight contest. But the real story was Johnny's birthday. "Turning 22 is a real milestone for me," said Johnny. "Before you know it, I'll be old enough to rent a car!" Johnny's critics were skeptical. "Twenty two, huh?" said long time nemesis The Prez. "What's he, a Cuban pitcher?"

Sloe Gin Quiz was able to fight off I'm Gonna Have You Naked by the End of This Round in exciting fashion on Monday at Doc Watson's, 99-98. The squad was then able to recruit two cuties for the victory photo. "It wasn't hard. We told them we were a boy band," said Rex Pocahantes. "We obviously look like one."

First of all, I would like to thank the crew at the Bards for their stirring rendition of "Happy Birthday." That being said, it's time to start bashing. At O'Neals, everyone knew it was my birthday, but nobody offered me a drink. Everyone starts next weeks game with -5 points. What's with this Janet Jackson uproar? These idiots who are screaming about it don't care that every other tv and movie trailer features somebody getting blown up or shot, but all of a sudden our children are going to grow up to be bad people because they saw a split second of Janet Jackson's boob? Also, was I the only one hoping against hope that Willie Nelson was going to wheel around and kick Toby Keith in the nads during their pregame duo? Boy, the Sixers look good. Oh, yeah, did you see the people of Boston have a ticker tape parade yesterday? And then, come next October, they're going to be crying about how they're "cursed" when the Red Sox choke again. Almost makes you want to root for the Yankees. But not quite. By the way, there has been a lot of booing for some of the winners lately at Quizzo. And I think that's great. It's becoming a true Philadelphia institution. Also, nice touch at the Bards on Tuesday. When some idiot shouted out an answer, the players began chanting, "A**hole, a**hole," in Duke student-section style. However, I was not pleased when that same chant was turned on me moments later when the players didn't like one of the questions. Everyone at the Bards starts next week with -5 points. If you have any personal vendettas, or would like to blast me, just click on comments and go for it. Until next week, I am Johnny Goodtimes. Beware my wrath!

Who is Robert Morvillo?