January 2004 Archives

Johnny forgot to do this article about the winners at Black Sheep in January. Critics contend that he's been sniffing too much glue.. The Missing Heads had won, and had scribbled something on a napkin, which could not be deciphered by the Johnny Goodtimes Navajo Codebreakers.

Johnny Goodtimes' Navajo Codebreakers

You Better Have My Cheez Whiz, led by Howard Dean, won at Nick's Roast Beef on Wednesday night, but might have damaged their campaign when they allowed Dean to provide an impromptu stump speech at the conclusion of the contest. "After this, we're going to Doc Watson's," the Democratic hopeful screamed, almost maniacally. "Then we're going to O'Neals, and we're going to the Bards, and we're going to win it at Rendezvous, and win at Black Sheep, and then we'll come back and win at Nick's again!!!Waaaaaaaaaaaa!

Team Hater turned on the juice in round four and blew past the competition at O'Neals on Tuesday. Meanwhile the MBF crew (headed by Lance Seacrest, below)appeared to be hungover after their weeklong celebration following last week's shocking win. They returned to last place.

A familiar scene greeted fans at the Bards on Tuesday night, as the Western Omelette held off Team Menkerdoodle. It was the third straight week the teams had finished 1-2, with the Omelette's winning every time. The comparisons to the Red Sox were obvious, especially when Menkerdoodle decided to bring Ted Williams head to Tuesday's contest. "We thought it might bring us some luck," said team mamber Ben Halflick. "But it only brought us more despair. And the time Ted spent not cryogenically frozen probably killed any chances he had of being revived in the future."

**Johnny would also like to offer best wishes to "Cool" Brett McSweeney (in tie and glasses), a Bards regular who went out on top w/ the Omelettes in his denouement. He is leaving for the West Side this weekend to record an album with Ice Cube.

The Broad Street Bullies caught fire on Wednesday at Locust Rendezvous, scoring 106 points and edging Yo! , who finished with 101. Perennial favorites The Jams fell to pieces, finishing in next to last place. In a show of class appreciated only by Philadelphians, the Broad Streeet Bullies then did their renowned "Happy Dance" around the crestfallen Jams.

A team calling itself "One Outta Two Ain't Bad NASA" won on Monday at Doc Watson's, leaving NASA incensed. The space agency quickly sent a third rover, this one named "Enforcer," to the bar. It arrived shortly after the contest ended and zapped team leader Lars Lieberman, killing him instantly. "I can't believe NASA would act in such a heartless manner," said team member Stacy Wordsworth. "I mean, we were just kind of playing around with the team name. If we had known it would lead to death and destruction, we probably would have picked a name like the Ponies or something." NASA faces a $500 fine from the Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee.

By: Johnny Goodtimes
Just wanted to take the time to thank my fans for braving the harsh conditions on Tuesday night to attend Quizzo at O'Neals and the Bards. You guys rock. Now for the bashing. The Oscar nominees were announced on Tuesday, and I've got a few opinions. First of all Lord of the Rings was really great, and it deserved to get a lot of nominations. It was also the most homoerotic film I saw all year. Was I the only one who half expected Frodo to turn to Sam when they're halfway up Mount Doom and say, "F*** this. Let's grab some brunch and then head to Home Depot." Master and Commander, which got ten nominations, totally blew. Of course, it didn't help that I saw it at Cinemagic. That experience was cinetragic. Watching a movie there is probably very similar to watching a movie on a big screen TV in a South Philly crack house, except that I assume the people in the crack house are friendlier than the employees at Cinemagic. The Carolina Panthers are in the Super Bowl, George Bush is our President and the new Ashton Kutcher movie is the #1 film in America. Almost makes you wanna pull a John Walker Lindh. Oh yes, in keeping with our film theme, I 'd like to take a moment to bash the film reviewers of the Philadelphia Weekly, who have Zoolander, one of the most pathetic pieces of drivel EVER produced, graded higher than Big Fish, which I thought was better than Lord of the Rings. Movie reviewer Sean Burns called Big Fish flavorless. Oh, and he just LOVED Master and Commander. I'd like to see his head on a pike at the gates of the city. And while we're railing against weeklies, I'd like to take a moment to call out City Paper. Several of their staffers played Quizzo at Nick's a couple of months ago and finished second. They vowed to return and take over the top spot. They've never returned. I guess #2 is good enough for City Paper (it certainly shows in some of the cover stories they've run recently.) Am I the only one who thinks this years 76ers are a lot like the war in Irag: Looks good on paper, but in actuality are a complete disaster that we hope will improve if we just keep supporting them? Oh, and tomorrow there will be some new features added to the site, in addition to the winners receiving their proper dose of glory, so be sure to check back. If you want to add your own two cents or bash me, feel free to click on comments and go to town.

The Election of 1800 ended in an electoral college tie between what two men?

What? You think I forgot to take a picture of "Is That a Barnacle" on Monday after they won Quizzo at Doc Watson's and just used an old photo of them winning from another bar? Are you out of your mind? That's ridiculous. Johnny Goodtimes is an infallible pro, and your insinuation that I would make such a stupid mistake fills me with anger. I'm going to have to ask you to leave the room.

Only one question remained in the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular at the Bards on Tuesday night. One question and the Western Omelette would become the first team to ever, in history, receive a perfect score. "For what movie did Jimmy Stewart win his only best actor Oscar?" That's when Jimmy's ghost appeared, according to Ed "Nails" Galluzo. "Yeah, it told us that he won his Oscar for Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. We didn't think that it was an evil ghost. "You'd think we would have learned after the Kurtis Blow incident." "I was so nervous in the fourth round, I forgot to button up my jeans after I went to the bathroom," added Brett "The Barber" Beefcake (blonde hair). "How embarrassing."

The Animal Planet, led by Philadelphia Eagle cheerleader Micki, pulled off a shocking upset on Wednesday at Locust Rendezvous, coming from behind and scoring 50 points in the final round to pull out the victory. So how did they do it? "Um, gosh, I don't know. I mean, like I guess we're just smart, or whatever. Tee-hee," said Micki. God, she's adorable. Would she ever consider a night on the town with yours truly? "Oh my God are you like, serious. Uh, gag me with a spoon. Besides, somebody told me you had an online dating profile. Loser."

The Staff was able to hold off the Nation of Quizlam on Wednesday night at Nick's Roast Beef. Club 501 finished third. Usually, Nick's offers a $50 gift certificate for the winner. But in an effort to up the ante even further, Johnny has announced that next week's winner will go home with a brand new car!**

**This is a lie.

It was a week of long suffering teams finally getting their due, and that continued at the Black Sheep on Wednesday. The Big Bopper finally returned, having spent several weeks on a "Retreat of Love" as he liked to call it, and apparently all of his amorous activities had a positive effect on his once feeble brain. "Free love is the only way to truly improve mind power, man," said Bopper. If that was the case, the team of Grant and Eddie need to loosen their morals. A small lead going into Round four turned into a devastating four point loss. Team leader Grant Rockbottom said, "I haven't been this depressed about a loss since, well since Sunday."

All is not lost, Philly fans. The MBF crew have suffered loss after painful loss, week after ubearable week, coming so close to the top of the proverbial mountaintop only to have a rope snap and send them all plunging to their horrifying deaths thousands of feet below, gasping their last all alone in some freezing ravine, wishing they had never even existed in the first place. But they finally broke free of their losing ways on Tuesday, and the city celebrated, just like they would have if...well, I won't finish that sentence.

Who was QB the last time the Eagles won an NFL championship?

A powerful blizzard blew into Nick's Roast Beef on Wednesday night, making conditions miserable for the players. "I could barely see my paper," said Jacques Juicetoe of the second place Flying Monkeys. But Mr. Wahn was able to fight through the miserable conditions and rack up 98 points. "They should really think about putting a retractable dome on this place," said Chase Halliburton of the Mr. Wahn squad. "I mean my cheese fries were delicious as always, but all that snow made them a little soggy."

The Missing Heads six game joyride came to a screeching halt on Wednesday, thanks to Tiger, the dog on the Brady Bunch. While The Supers were able to answer the weekly double question ("Who was the Brady's dog?") correctly, the Heads were not. The Supers were thus able to pull off a 90-86 upset. "I knew that not watching enough crappy TV programming was going to come back and bite this team in the ass," said team member Kix Drummond. Boy, was he right.

The Jams won in Johnny's return to Locust Rendezvous on Wednesday, holding off the Slagminers, Slagminers, 85-81. The difference came when The Jams knew the weekly double, "What famous actor starred in Party at Kitty and Stud's?" The answer of course, is Sly Stallone. "Everybody talks about what a great job Sly did as Stud," said team member Dr. Ernie Ellsworth. "But what about Henrietta Holm in her role as Kitty? That was powerful."

"Fourth Round" Freddie Mitchell did it again on Tuesday, carrying the Western Omelette to a shocking come from behind victory over Menkerdoodle. "Freddie knew that the religious revival in America was called the Great Awakening, and I dare say that Al Harris (of Team Menkerdoodle) did not," said team lead Mike "White Wilt Chamberlain" Vanderbilt, III. As Harris, who had played for Western Omelette until being released last year, watched on in amazement, Freddie then informed his teammates that David Rice Atchison was President for a day. "Freddie's usually all talk and no action, but tonight he really came through in the clutch," added Brett "The Barber" Beefcake.

S2 + 4 took back their title on Tuesday, destroying their competition and only missing one question the entire night. Caught in the wake of their devastation was Flyers Center Jeremy Roenick. "I caught Roenick trying to copy one of our answers, so I popped him one," said team member "Navy" Jay Wainwright. Goodtimes agreed with S2, and kicked Roenick out of the game. The Flyer responded by throwing a water bottle at Goodtimes, and is not allowed back in O'Neals for the next week. "Johnny Goodtimes has had it in for me for years. Three weeks ago, someone threw a television at Goodtimes, and all they got was a two game suspension. Wake up, Goodtimes! This is absurd."

The Slow Gin Quiz was able to knock off Always a Quizzo Bridesmaid with a steady if unspectacular 79-72 win. The team, which is rather accustomed to finishing last, got off to a quick lead and held on in round four. There is a time change this coming week: Watson's will begin at 8:15 p.m. For teams that might be more clever than smart: Doc Watson's is the only Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo that offers a gift certificate for best team name.

Johnny's fortunes took a quick turn for the worse on New Year's Day, only moments after meeting the cute babes pictured above. After going outside this bar (which we won't name, but will tell you has been in business for over 140 years) to check his voicemail, the bouncers (shown below) told him that he couldn't go back in. Despite pleas of "Do you know who I am?" the bouncers held their ground, and now Johnny hopes they are both killed by Al-Quaeda. "That would be great," said the self-proclaimed King of Quizzo. "My New Years Resolution is to spearhead an effort to get this bar (which I won't name) closed down. 140+ years is long enough."

Only in Philadelphia!

Us Again was able to sweep past the field at Nick's Roast Beef on Wednesday, which earned them a sweeping endorsement from Pete Rose. "Hey, these guys are winners. Will they repeat next week? Well, let's just say that's where I've got my money."

The Missing Heads performed surgery on Wednesday, and like clockwork, they were able to hold off the Bone Growth Inhibitors, 88-86. "We gave 110%, and left it all on the field," said Chet Whipley. "Yeah," added Bert Sonic, "It was a total team effort, and from here on out, we're just going to take it one game at a time." The Bone Growth Inhibitors were every bit as eloquent as the winners were. "Give them credit. They just executed better. They seemed to step up and make the big plays. That's just the way the ball bounces. We got away from the game plan. We're going to have to put this loss behind us and move on."

In perhaps the most exciting finish in Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo history, the Sulfur Clams pulled off an overtime miracle, as Dick Bonaparte answered correctly the OT question, setting off a wave of excitement throughout the crowd, most of whom knew that the Clams had made the climb from worst to first over several grueling months. After the contest, team member Todd Wackendorfer, III received a congratulatory phone call from none other than Russian premiere Vladimir Putin. "Getting a call from Putin was shocking, to say the least. I really have no idea how the premiere of Russia got my cell phone number." Wackendorfer went on to say that he was just sorry that Spanky Twizzler couldn't make it.

Los Snachos was able to end a decades long slump on TUesday at O'Neals, blowing away the rest of the competition and becoming the only team all week to join the 100 point Club. The other story of interest was the fact that the seven astronauts who were the first to ever visit the surface of Mars played Quizzo only hours after their return from the Red Planet. "It was tough to readjust to the earth's atmosphere after spending the previous eight days on Mars, and I think that helps explain our ninth place finish,' said astronaut Chip Nutley. "You think jet lag coming back from the West Coast is tough..."

The Broad Street Bullies were able to pull off another victory on Tuesday by answering the weekly double question correctly and squeak past the Jams. I'm not sure what place the girls below finished but hey, let's face it, who the hell cares. When they play, we all win.

Rochelle Rochelle was able to leave Aiken for Clay in the dust in Round number Four and take the cake at Doc Watson's on Monday. Aiken for Clay left their namesake disappointed. "I guess we're losers, just like Clay," said Randolph Hernmeister of the Aikens. "It was nice of Clay to come and support us," said team member Chelsea Clockwise, "And I felt bad that the owner of the bar made him watch from outdoors, on account of Clay being such a loser."