December 2003 Archives

S and the Snowflakes were able to win without superstar "Chippy"** on Tuesday at O'Neals. Even without "Chippy"***, who was out on a "business trip"%, the Snowflakes were able to hold off the MBF Crew (another late game meltdown) and the Social Alcoholics (blew it in overtime and handed MBF the second place award.)

* Not his real name
** We made his photo blurry so you can't identify him
*** But we'll rat him out for the right price
% if you know what we mean

Would You Eat Them With a Goat squeaked past Daddy's in Town, who was despondant after the contest. "Life isn't worth living anymore," said team captain Renaldo Rio Rodriguez. "We can't even seem to get excited about the Paris Hilton video anymore*." (click on photo below.)

*Which Johnny thinks is overrated.

Oblivia Dehaviland was able to hold on and win a squeaker at the Centre Square Bar and Grille. After the game, Johnny was quoted as saying, "I never doubted this team's mental capabilities, but after naming the team after a 1940's supporting actress, I do have some questions about their sexuality. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

The Troy McClures were a handful on Monday at Doc Watson's Pub, but father figure Dick Van Patten was able to get the team to buckle down in round four and run away with an 82-68 victory. "It was nice to have Dick there," said team captain Dr. Chuckie Needlebump. "I'm just sorry that Adam Rich (Nicholas) couldn't make it."

Sock monkey nativity scenes, on display in the window of Words of Whimsy, 1904 South St.

Merry Christmas!

The Goat's were able to pull off an 85-77 win against the Cinderella story of the year, the Sulfur Clams. The disappointment of the year, the Western Omelette, finished third.

The Grinch stole the MBF Crew's X-mas on Tuesday at O'Neals. MBF had the lead throughout, and had a chance at their first ever win, until they missed the final question, about the Grinch. S2 got it correct,and squeaked out an 88-86 win.

Frank Clement's North pulled away in round four at Centre Square Bar and Grille at Bedford Falls on Tuesday, and cruised to a victory over Dewey Cheatum and Howe. The team, which has been ravaged by injuries in the past few months, was finally able to get their whole squad on the field.

Professor Flapjack defeated the much maligned Team Hater, 100-89 on Monday at Doc Watson's. The articles on the website kind of suck this week, but that's because I've hit the sauce pretty heavily over the holidays. I really need to pull it together.

Come to the Christmas Comedy Spectacular at Finn McCool's tonight at 10:15 PM.

Johnny will be hosting an awesome comedy show on Monday night, December 22nd at Finn McCools on the corner of Twelfth and Sansom. Comedians include Chip Chantry, Steve Zorbalas, and Ronnie Long, and Johnny will be the host.

Johnny will also be hosting a Special Christmas Quizzo next week at Doc Watson's, Centre Square Bar and Grille, O'Neals, and The Bards. There will be no quizzo at Black Sheep and Nick's next week, since Wednesday falls on Christmas Eve.

The Nation of Quizlam was able to hold off the competition at Nick's on Wednesday, then asked that their picture not be doctored, so as not to take away from their lovely faces. This same squad also complained about their photo with N.W.A. a couple of weeks ago. Anyone who has a message for this narcissistic group of also-rans and ne'er-do-wellers, please feel free to click on "comments" at the bottom of this article. In more exciting news, Santa made a brief appearance, keeping an eye on his ho-ho-hos. (Photo below)

Would You Eat Them With a Goat
Entered the Holidays on a winning note
As for the Omelette, well my friends
It appears that they choked again
Ed had the right answer but he scratched it out
His future with the team is now in doubt
They used to always be last but oh my word
The Sulfur Clams have finished in third
Will the Goats keep their title, will the questions be hard
Find out next Tuesday when Johnny's at the Bards.

Team Hater, playing without one of their best playas, was able to end S2's dynasty with a victory on Tuesday. Miranda Hotplate, known to friends as the Mipper, was out with an illness, and the team fell behind early. That's when Knute Rockne showed up. "He told us he had recently been at Miranda's bedside," said team member Loco Ono. "He said that Miranda, summoning all of her strength, said, 'Coach, one of these days, when the chips are down and the breaks are getting the boys, tell 'em to win one for the Mipper." The Haters responded, holding off second place Los Snachos 98-93.

The Four Letter Words, a collection of some of the most brilliant legal minds in the city, got an added boost on Tuesday with the addition of Johnny Cochran, who led them to a victory over Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe, 98-90. Cochran was overjoyed after the win. "I thought this win was splendiferous for the amalgamation of conglomerates we have assembelized. The victory was not only monumentous, it was consequentially extemperaneous." The others agreed.

Special Ed Ed pulled off one of the greatest comebacks in Quizzo history on Monday night at Doc Watson's, overcoming a fourteen point deficit in the final round to move past Risky Quizness. Another way of putting that, of course, is that Risky Quizness pulled off one of the greatest chokes in Quizzo history. Special Ed Ed won a squeaker, 80-79. The Troy McClures had their worst performance ever, finishing a disappointing fourth.

Controversy erupted, as it seems to every week, after last nights Quizzo at Nick's Roast Beef. In overtime, the Plaster of Paris Hilton won second place (Worth $25) when one of their team members was able to spell Baryshnikov correctly. However, it was discovered early this morning after a thorough investigation that the man who spelled the great dancer's name correctly was none other than the world renowned Krazylegs Kruschev, who danced with Mikhail at the Russian School of Ballet from 1969-1973! The picture below, taken in 1972, clearly proves it! The Johnny Goodtimes Ethical Committee is looking into any possible improprieties. A spokesman for third place finisher Coochie Kream said that the team was "piping mad."

The Cousin F@%&' Monkeys blew past the competition in Round Four of Wednesday night's Quizzo at Nick's Roast Beef. The Monkeys,
a collection of one woman and three lonely men who struggle to keep their fires lit and cabins warm, were able to come out on top on a hoary night at Nick's. Plaster of Paris Hilton was able to win second in overtime, moving past the Coochie Kream.

The Missing Heads won their fifth straight Quizzo at the Black Sheep-and don't think corporate America hasn't noticed. United Colors of Benetton signed the Heads to a three year deal worth somewhere in the neighborhood of $4.2 million dollars, and they posed for their first ad shortly after last night's contest (see picture, above). W.T.F. made a valiant run at the Heads, falling short, 93-91, despite playing without the Big Bopper (Rumor has it, he missed out on Quizzo due to a date. Johnny can't help but be a bit disappointed in the Bopper's priorities.) I Bet Your Sister Would Date Me had a commanding lead going into Round Four, but wilted under the pressure.

No-one could catch "The Clap" on Wednesday night at the Bards, as they held off the Vindaloo Fire, 82-73. Said Rusty Trombone of the Fire, "We tried everything to catch 'The Clap', and I do mean everything." The Fire fought bravely, even after one of their team members passed out face first on the table and had to be dragged off the playing surface (True story). The Western Omelette finished third. "'The Clap' always gives me problems," said team leader Big Mike, who came back early from retirement.

Troy McClure (who you may remember from such films as "Quizmaster and Commander" and "The Quizard of Oz") swung by Doc Watson's after round two on Monday, and helped catapult The Troy McClures from last place to first, knocking off Quizzle in the Hizzle, 90-89. "Having Troy McClure show up was a real boost," said team leader Chuckie Needlebump. "He's got this sense of confidence that just rubs off on the rest of the team."

A Dynasty is forming at O'Neals, so it came as no real surprise this week when Blake Carrington, Krystle Carrington, and Alexis Colby made an appearance to help S2 celebrate their fourth straight win. "I was a little nervous with both Blake and Alexis at the same bar," said S2 team member Stu Blankenship. "They've been rivals ever since the divorce. I thought their would be some bad blood after Alexis married Cecil Colby and never told Blake about the daughter she had kept hidden from him. Though they got along alright, I felt like Alexis was plotting something throughout the course of the night." Said Sandy Grotehouse, of second place "Los Snachos", "I was just glad to see Krystle doing so well after the coma."

The Jams were able to squeak by the Bullies as Frank Clements hottest rivalry heated up again at Centre Square Bar and Grille. The Bullies, who had joined forces with once bitter enemies Dewey and Howe, were one letter away from spelling Baryshnikov right, which would have given them the title. Instead the Jams came away with the 95-93 win.

Here are the Four hottest teams on the Johnny G. Quizzo Circuit:

1. The Missing Heads (Pictured below) have won four straight at the Black Sheep, and were only one question away froma perfect score last week.
   
2. S2 has won three straight at O'Neals.
   
3. Would You Eat Them has won two straight at the Bards, becoming the first team to repeat at 20th and Walnut.
   
4. The Sulfur Clams got a phone call from George Bush after a 6th place finish two weeks ago, then moved all the way up into fifth place
   
   

"Luckily for us, every weeknight there is a Quizzo owned and operated by one Johnny Goodtimes, who combines a serious trivia obsession with the knowledge that these things are supposed to be fun." - City Paper

"He knows how to work the crowd and keep the event fun and interesting. I would definitely hire Johnny to host another event for us in the future." - Penn Athletics

"Each time we have worked together Johnny brings fresh new ideas to the table and has been a pleasure to work with." - Franklin Institute

Johnny Goodtimes, widely acknowledged as one of Philadelphia's foremost entertainers, has entertained at the World Cafe Live, the Palestra, and the Franklin Institute. His quizzo has been named Best Quizzo by Philadelphia Magazine in 2006, in the
City Paper in 2004, 2005, and 2006, and he was named the Staff Pick for Best Quizzo in Philly Style Magazine in 2006. He has hosted major events for crowds of 500, small private parties for crowds of 20, and has entertained groups of every size in between.

Quizzo is an excellent team building exercise, as well as an excellent ice breaker for any company function, and Johnny is unquestionably the most experienced and most entertaining person doing it. His rates are extremely reasonable, he can custom make the event in accordance with your wishes, and he is willing to travel. If you want to guarantee a fun, captivating, and interactive performance for your next company function, contact Johnny today!

Testimonials for Johnny Goodtimes

"We hired Johnny Goodtimes to host a Quizzo event as part of our midnight madness activities for Penn Basketball last fall in the famed Palestra. Johnny created a tailor-made Quizzo about Penn, college basketball, and other relevant material for our audience - college students. Not only did he do a great job with the Quizzo, but he brought along two stand-up comedians who helped take the event to another level. He knows how to work the crowd and keep the event fun and interesting. I would definitely hire Johnny to host another event for us in the future."

"I've hired Johnny on several occasions to come out and host Quizzo in our planetarium. Each time we have worked together Johnny brings fresh new ideas to the table and has been a pleasure to work with. If your looking for someone who can bring a crowd, Goodtimes is the way to go. With his regulars, marketing, and blogging Johnny's event are always a success."

Johnny Goodtimes received a death threat a few days ago, and the Johnny Goodstapo was immediately called into action. "It was a friendly letter," said Johnny, "But then at one point the writer said 'they could tell me, but they'd have to kill me'. I think it was a throwaway comment, based on something Tom Cruise said in the 1985 box office sensation Top Gun. But in these troubled times, you can really never be too cautious." Things got worse a couple of days later. "I got another letter, this one apologizing for the remark, but letting me know that 'this is the way South Philly girls roll.' Needless to say, I called the Johnny Goodstapo on the double." Baron von Weinerschnitzel (below) has been head of the Goodstapo since 1922. "This isn't the first time this has happened. You've got to remember, Johnny is an international mega-star, so these things are bound to occur. But ever since Johnny got his ass handed to him by that broad at the aquarium, we've had to be even more vigilant."

The Nation of Quizlam was able to squeeze past the Atari Monkeys on Wednesday at Nick's Roast Beef, 92-89. But they wouldn't have been able to do it without their friends-from the rap group N.W.A.! "That MC Ren is a lot smarter than people give him credit for," said team leader Otis "Silver" Spoons. "And Ice Cube knows a lot about state capitols, which paid off in the wildcard round." But it was Eazy E who really came through in round four, scoring the bonus question right and taking the team over the top. "The Boys N Da Hood are not only hard," continued Otis, "But they're smart as well!"

The Missing Heads extended their dominance over the Black Sheep crowd, causing one grizzled old vet from W.T.F. to remark, "This thing was fun until all these smart people starting showing up. It's ruining the integrity of the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular." The Heads were more than smart, coming one question away from a perfect score. That's where Bjork comes in. "We picked up Bjork just on the off chance that there was a question about Iceland," said team member Frank "Flapjack" Kelly. Sure enough, the team found themselves needing only to spell Reykjavik correctly to get the first ever perfect score at Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo anywhere. But Bjork was in a trancelike state throughout round four, and refused to offer her assistance, saying that such trivial matters were an impedence on her soul. "I think that bitch is doing some serious drugs. Have you heard her music? She's a freak, and she's not invited back next week," said Kelly. "We would've been better off with Bjorn Borg than Bjork." When reached for comment, Bjork said simply, "people are always asking me about eskimos, but there are no eskimos in iceland"

Four Peas and a Pod (AKA Would You Eat Them) finally broke the streak at The Bards on Tuesday, holding off Argh Me Groin in Spectacular fashion. Trailing by nine with two questions left, they were the only team to answer both questions correctly, and were the only team to spell Reykjavik right all night. Big Mike (a.k.a. White Wilt) held a news conference after the game to announce his retirement from Quizzo. Sadly, Big Mike, whose career had started so promisingly, had been besieged by injuries lately (repeated head trauma), and limped to a third place finish in his final appearance. The Sulfur Clams continued to evolve, moving into fifth place.

S2+2 got the rare three peat on Tuesday at O'Neals, winning for the third consecutive time. They were able to hold off the Can-Am Express, 86-80. Team Hater and Los Snachos, once proud franchises, have fallen mightily. They scored 65 and 64 points respectively. "We picked up a few new teammates," said Team Hater member Carmen San Bernadino. "And they're really dumb."

Dewey, Bully, and Howe were able to squeak past the Consultants in the first ever Quizzo at Centre Square Bar and Grille, 95-94. Shortly after the contest, DB & H received a telegraph from the 1903 Boston Pilgrims, who won the first ever World Series. "They just said that they knew how we were feeling, both being the winner of huge inaugural events and all," said DB & H member Rollie Cornwright. "They also said that they would buy us a round, but they can't because they're all dead."

The Whiskey Lou Rebellion, playing in honor of a favorite judge who recently passed away, were able to rip the monkey from their backs in convincing fashion on Monday, fighting off the Moe Syslack Experience, 91-86. The Rebellion, who had won the first quizzo they had participated in, months ago, and had not won since, were relieved to get a win. "Those monkeys were poorly behaved. They would hurl their own feces, screech through the night, and stab me with their swords," said team member Sal Alamo. "I'm glad that's all done with."

What is the Blood Type of the Universal Blood Donor?