November 2003 Archives

The Missing Heads were able to keep theirs long enough to win for the second consecutive week at the Black Sheep. In related news, Johnny's ban on brain sucking aliens was strictly enforced.

Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Argh! Me Groin was unable to become the first team to repeat at the Bards, falling to "Would You Eat Them With a Goat?", 97-86. But the real story was the Sulfur Clams, who are no longer bottom dwellers. The Clams, who had finished in last place for two straight weeks, were able to rise from the seafloor all the way to sixth place! After the team's big victory, they received a congratulatory phone call from President George W. Bush. "I couldn't really understand a lot of what he said, because I think he had the phone upside down," said Spanky Twizzler, who fielded the phone call, "But it was still cool to hear from the president."

S Squared won again at O'Neals on Tuesday, holding off the second place Bluesharps when the Harps scratched out the correct answer on the last question. S Squared picked up several new members, and they helped the team achieve a repeat. Team Hater, also known as team turmoil, fired a couple of players and picked up a couple of people off waivers. Things looked promising after two rounds, as they had a perfect score, but they fell to pieces in the True/False round, getting only three correct.

Special Ed Ed was barely able to hold off defending champs Vandolay Industries at Doc Watson's Pub on Monday. Ed had a 16 point lead going into the last round, but the Industries were able to fight off a fierce buzz and fell by only by a point, 90-89. The Dildogs pulled off an almost impossible feat in Round Three, getting nine wrong-IN THE TRUE/FALSE ROUND! According to my calculations, the odds aginst that happening are 512-1.

At a press conference on the steps of Capitol Hill, Johnny Goodtimes tearfully apologized for an error he made in last week's Quizzo Spectacular. On the question, "True/False: Andrew Jackson was the first president born in the United States of America," Johnny stated that the answer was true. His reasoning was that the first six presidents were born in the British colonies. However, after receiving an e-mail from angry fan Brett "The Barber" Beefcake, Johnny did more research. "Today, I regret to inform you, the fans, that an inexcusable error was made during last weeks Quizzo. Andrew Jackson was born in 1767, and Martin Van Buren was the first born after July 4, 1776. Though it did not alter last week's standings, it is an embarrassment to me, my family, and my good friend Paris Hilton. I hope you, the fans, can forgive me," Johnny said before breaking into uncontrollable sobbing. This has not been an easy week for Goodtimes. He was spotted twice over the weekend at Pat's Steaks after 3 a.m. ,having obviously struck out with the ladies repeatedly over the course of both nights. Though the press conference was not seen on television here in America, it was seen on two different stations in Saskatchewan, where Johnny is very big.

The Atari Monkeys pulled past the Nation of Quizlam to win at Nick's Roast Beef on Wednesday night. Two of the team's players tested positive for steroids, but Johnny's steroid policy was inspired by Major League Baseball's. "Everybody is concentrating on the negative. I'm impressed that 50% of the winning team isn't on steroids. Why isn't anyone talking about that?" said Johnny.

The Missing Heads breezed to a 102-85 win over Muck Fichigan on Wednesday. But the real story would be hard to believe if you weren't getting it from such a trustworthy source. Phine 'n' Phishin' had their brains sucked out by aliens midway through round one, and the result was the second lowest score in Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo history. A 24. To put that in perspective, the Missing Heads scored more than that in Round Three alone. Johnny bravely tried to fight off the aliens, but even with his legendary superhuman strength, he was helpless against their otherworldly powers.

Argh, Me Groin! won their second title at the Bards, holding off Team Hater and No More Braided Belts, 100-97-96. The Groins were the only team to spell saponaceous correctly, and made their way to the Johnny Goodtimes High Scores page. The Western Omelette did not perform necessarily well, at least in the academic sense. I am happy to report, however, that their bitching and whining skills still remain unsurpassed. The Sulpher Clams were able to ward off the competition to retain their perennial last place standing.

S3, who had not won since the inaugural Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo at O'Neals, was finally able to win again, holding off Fans, Not Groupies, 88-86. Parisisaslut.com (pictured at bottom right) had a comfortable lead going into the final round, but choked for the second consecutive week." Johnny replied, "I haven't seen a choker this big since Latrell Sprewell!" When told of Johnny's comments, Latrell was not amused. "Come on, Johnny. That's pretty weak. That jokes a little dated, don't you think? No wonder you got booed off the stage during your comedy gig at Muhlenberg University."

The Bloody Noses, a team of local doctors "tying one on" to relieve the stress of having to perform open heart surgery in a few hours, were able to stagger to a 98-93 win over Special Ed Ed in the first ever Quizzo at Doc Watson's. "You know," said Dr. Chuckie Needlebump (in photo, top right) "This is my first ever heart surgery. So to go into it with not only a buzz, but also a win, gives me the relaxation and confidence I'll need to perform so delicate a procedure."

Livin' Feelin' stayed alive on Wednesday at Nick's, blowing out the competiton, making the Nation of Quizlam look more like a Banana Republic of morons. Actually, the Nation was able to finish second, edging out Fo' Quizzel My Nizzel and overcoming a pathetic display by the defending champion Monkey Test-EZ, who couldn't even crack 70. I will have an absolutely crazy story about last weeks quizzo on the website in a few days, so stay tuned.

The Remains of Robert Durst's Head won a squeaker in double OT at the Black Sheep Quizzo spectacular on Wednesday night. The two teams finished the contest tied at 89, but in Round two of OT, the Head was able to pull off the victory. The Frank Clements Castaways finished third with 83. In other news, these two cute chicks told Johnny they would call him, but hey, let's face it, he's heard that old song and dance before.

In the tightest Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo spectacular ever, Bowling for Quizzo defeated Western Omelette, 91-90. Would you Eat Them With A Goat had 89, and the defending champ Argh! Me Groin had 88. The top four teams were seperated by three points! And the curse of the Bard's continues, as no team has ever won back to back titles! But no team has been haunted more than Western Omelette, who last night were spooked by the ghost of Kurtis Blow. On the question, "What is Kurtis Blow's favorite play in "Basketball", the team had the correct answer but scratched it out. "I swear," said team member Ed Hackett, "That Kurtis Blow's ghost told us to change our answer to slam dunk." But while Kurtis likes the slam dunk, taking it to the hoop, his favorite play is the alley oop. (Inside sources also tell us that Blow likes the pick-n-roll, he likes the give-n-go, this is basketball by Mr. Kurtis Blow.) The other strange thing about seeing Mr. Blow's ghost is that, as far as the Johnny Goodtimes Research Committee could find out, he's still alive. (Click on picture below to see photographic evidence of Blow's ghost.)

Diflucan was able to break free from the pack while at the same time breaking free from yeast (I have no idea what that means, they just told me to say it.) Anyways, they were able to hold off a stingy Team Cirrhosis, 87-80, to get back on the winners podium. Meanwhile Team Hater, who scored a controversial victory last week, was severely punished by the Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee. "I can't believe we had to play with Jessica Simpson," said one team member. "I mean, she's hot and all, but damn, what a dumb bitch." Team Hater finished a worst ever sixth.

The Monkey Test-EZ were able to hold off the Thundercats-Hoe, The Nation of Quizlam, and Fo' Quizzel My Nizzel to win the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular at the place it all began, Nick's Roast Beef. The Monkeys were able to win despite having "Extra Baggage" Bagley (pictured at far right), who has an IQ that hovers around 30.

Easy Money caught fire on Wednesday night, missing only two questions over the course of the entire game, and both of those were in the first round. They finished with 116 to shatter the old record by six points. It's Albert, Damnit was a bridesmaid again this week. "That's OK," said one member of It's Albert, "We've got like four hot chicks on our team. They've only got one. I think we're the real winners."

Realizing that there is nothing funnier than the Eagles wide receivers, the Finn McCool's Comedy Show will take this Monday off, but will return on November 17th at 10:30 p.m. This also gives us an excuse to put Eagle cheerleader Micki on the website.

Frank Clements was sold recently, and when the staff showed up for work on November 1st, they were told they no longer had jobs. There were a lot of wonderful people who worked there, and I will sorely miss them. It was really neat to be a part of Philadelphia history, and I'm sorry that all of that was gone overnight. There aren't many places like that left.
I thoroughly enjoyed the regular crowd we had on Tuesday nights, and though I know we can never recreate that experience entirely, I do hope we can find somewhere else to meet. If you have anything to say about the Frank Clements closing or would like to let me know where we should try to do a quizzo on Tuesdays at 6:00 p.m., please check out the message board. I have spoken with several bars in the area, and I would like to find one where you guys would feel most comfortable. Edie, everyone's favorite waitress, wrote a note that I thought you guys might like to read.

Argh! Me Groin was able to outlast all-time high scorer His Boy Elroy and hometown favorites Eggs Benedict to win the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular at The Bards. The Groin pulled away in the True/False Round, and was able to hold on in Round Four for a 97-95-94 win.
The Groin, who credit their success to "A zen-like mindstate and lots of Icy-Hot cream", plan on returning to the Bards to defend the title. No team has won back ot back titles at the Bards yet.

There was turmoil at O'Neals on Tuedsday night, as Team Hater destroyed the competition. But it was Team Hater's newest member that drew the most ire.

"Albert Einstein is probably, like, the smartest dude ever," said Bert Toastwax, a member of one of the losing teams. "There's no way he should be allowed to play Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular."

"Yeah," chimed in Sandy Popadopalous, "And I thought it was totally unfair that the wild card round topic this week was quantum physics."

Johnny Goodtimes said that the quantum physics thing was "a strange coincidence," but not everybody was buying it.

"Then how come there were three questions in Round Four about the theory of relativity?" asked Spector Jackson.

The Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee has promised to look into any possible improprieties.