JGT Gets Blasted In Letter to the Editor
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The Metro received quite possibly the greatest letter ever after my column on Thursday. While I will admit that Thursday's piece wasn't my strongest work, I am frankly flattered that it inspired this young writing genius, Michael Pomranz, to respond with a diatribe that was longer than the piece itself. For your reading enjoyment, I have provided footnotes. You're gonna like this:
Dear Involved Parties:
On Thursday, March 13, 2008, the Philadelphia Metro printed a column by author Johnny Goodtimes under the heading Goodtimes File entitled "Johnny Oldtimes".
Rarely in my life am I privy to reading such uninspired hack (1). How being a "local quizmaster and blogger" qualifies someone to be a comedian, or even a commentator, is beyond me, and this article further confounded the decency of my senses (2).
Not only has this bit been played out by every comedian on the face of the planet (3) -- let's be honest, if this is the first time you've seen or heard the "things I know 'cause I am old that young people don't know about and boy is that funny" bit, you may want to resign as an editor, or figure out why VH1 is blocked by your cable provider (4) -- but given the opportunity to mine humor from it, Mr. Goodtimes (5) instead foregoes any inspiring commentary and simply settled for compiling a boring list.
For example: "They don't remember when the Berlin Wall fell." Wow? They don't? That's probably because they weren't alive then (6). How about turning it on itself to say something like: "When they hear about the falling of the Berlin Wall, they think it sounds easy. That thing didn't fall on its own. It took a lot of Germans with pickaxes to bring that sucker down.(7)"
See, Johnny. That is called adding humor and perspective (8). The topic is still a bit hacky, but at least I added some personal spin on it (9). We (10) could continue to dissect the inadequacies of every item of pedestrian babble on this list provided for Philadelphia's reading pleasure, but since the Metro is (I can only assume) paying you (11) for your writing services, maybe you should put some more time into them yourselves in the future.
cheers!
Mike Pomranz
1) Occasionally Michael is privy to such hacks. But this is very rare.
2) You'd be amazed at how decent Michael's senses are. They remind me of Tipper Gore's senses.
3) Not true. Carrot Top refuses to use this bit in his act "on principle".
4) Dorothy resigned earlier today, stating that letter to the editor writer Michael Pomranz made her realize that she just wasn't cut out for this job.
5) Thank you for addressing me formally, Senor Pomranz.
6) Actually, they were alive then. The Berlin Wall fell in 1990. But math isn't Michael's strong suit. Comedy is, as we can see by...
7) HA! Oh my-HA! Germans with-HAHAHAHAHA! Did he just say that the Germans had pickaxes! No he didn't! I didn't even think about that! (Loud guffawing, reader falls to the floor, holding sides.) Stop it! Stop it, Michael, no more about the Germans! I bet Hitler had a pickaxe! HAHAHAHAHA!
8) If there is one thing your 300 word diatribe to the editor about a 300 word column has taught us, Michael, it is perspective.
9) I'll say you did! Pickaxes! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
10) Did he just invoke the royal "We" in a non-ironic fashion while complaining about a hack writer?
11) They are Mike, but after this tour de force of a letter to the editor, I think they might just be paying someone else to do some writing in the near future ;-) LOL!
It was worth it to hear you admit that it was not your strongest work. Please try harder next time.
cheers!
He totally stole that pickaxe bit from my act.
If he gets anywhere near my bit about Estonians with slingshots, I will retain the services of an intellectual property lawyer.
If I wasn't familiar with you and then read your column in the Metro, I would have thought it was hacky. But I also know you probably would not have written it if you knew that those types of lists are a chain-email staple. Those of us who entertain (or try to) would rather be called a merkin wearing poodle rammer than be called a hack.
But THIS GUY, man, he is hilarious. He should really hit up Helium. Comedy AND a history lesson! I wrote another bit for him-
These kids today, they think the whole Crimean War took place in Crimea. But they fought battles in Turkey too!
Looks like Mr. Pomranz is in a band. Oh, Google, what would I do without you? Probably use Yahoo.
Hey JG no T
STAY AWAY FROM MY CRIMEAN BIT.
What the F&$*????? Is it still Steve's material day?
For your sake, Michael, I will, but only under one condition: that you write another letter to the editor next week to update my progress.
He reminds me of Bruno Kirby in Good Morning Vietnam: "in my heart, I know that I'm funny."
CHEEERRZZZ!!!!!!
You really know how to get people upset. Pretty soon they'll be calling you Darth-In-Training John.
Let's see: Hitler had a pickaxe...
but Eva said "No way, Adolph"
but Gorring (sic) sat on it and it was never seen again.
Keep up the good work. Upsetting people is fun.
Good observation regarding "In my heart I know I'm funny" BMT.
Mr. Steve
Careful. Pomranz may have some expertise vis-a-vis the Berlin Wall. As noted above, he seems to be in a band, and the web page for same sports an ugly baby giving some kind of, as Seinfeld would say, Nazi "high five."
http://www.worldblanket.com/
Mr. Ern's witty remark reminds me of a ditty we used to sing in North Africa when I served under Monty. (Sung to the tune of "Colonel Bogy's March," which you might recognize as the song from "The Bridge Over the River Kwai.")
Hitler has only got one ball,
Goering has two but very small,
Himmler's are very similar,
But poor old Goebbels' has no balls at all.
Ah, those were the days. We didn't have comedy clubs or DVDs-- we did have pickaxes-- but we knew how to have fun. I'll bet everybody out there is too young to remember this one. Except for Ern, of course.
I like the "they probably weren't even alive then" argument. I wasn't alive then but I can tell you when WWII ended, when Columbus came to America and when the Chicago Cubs last won the World Series.
One addendum to the "I wasn't alive then" thing is something I notice a lot of at quizzo and blows my mind. When I ask questions about the 1960s, 30somethings never complain. But teams with players in their mid 20s ALWAYS complain with the line, "How should I know, I wasn't born yet." ALWAYS. I am dead serious. The real difference between being born in the 80s and being born in the 70s is that people born in the 70s don't think that the earth was created on the day they were born.
I just looked at his MySpace page. He comes into the Bard's. I've met this guy before. He's friends with a guy on my dart team.
I am glad that as a child of the 1970's I am aware that the world did not actually begin with my birth. Because in 1978 (just moved to Philly from Caribbean) my mother impatiently explained to me that in a house built 'before I was born' the insulation stinks and it's only cold because I am walking around in my underwear in January. I realized that I was wearing underwear and that the insulation did suck so I took her word for the other part about there being a 'before me' time. Thank you for corroborating that Johnny. I never did buy any of that History class bullsh*t.
Ya know, Johnny, I've noticed that too. I talk to people about Chamberlain and they want to talk about that game where he scored 100 points and how he was the best ever player to come out of Overbrook High School. And here I'm talking about how the guy who gave away half of Czechoslavakia because he thought that would satisfy Hitler. It just goes to show you-- if you don't learn the lessons of history you're condemned to repeat them as farce the next time around, or something like that.
To defend the 80's children, I was born in 1981 myself. But I believe you, JGT, 'cause I've heard the same complaints a few times over here from my pub quizzes (though most of the time you can attribute it to hecklers). Unfortunately, those 20-somethings that you heard from don't want to think of a world beyond Britney Spears and Myspace layouts.
One of the few consolations of getting older is that you get to piss and moan about younger people. Most of us wait until we're a little farther along, but what the hell, you may as well get started in your early thirties.
Maybe they should just start teaching History again instead of that PC Crap!
Although that won't help them with songs with 'Pink Robots' in the title.
Yeah I remember the Forties. Men were Men! Women were Women! Everybody smoked and PC people kept their mouths shut.
Isn't that a line from the theme song to "All in the Family?"
And You Knew Who You Were Theeeeeeeennnn
Girls Were Girls and Men Were Men
Boy we could use a Man like Herbert Hoover Again!
"How should I know, it happened before I was born" is not a complaint of people born in the 80s, it is a complaint of people who are stupid.
Believe me, it is not limited to those of the mid-twenties and under set. Knowledge knows no birthdate. Stupidity, however, is eternal.
People who make that stupid comment about not being born yet just want to rub it in that they're younger than us.
And John would know....any man who hands Sofa Kingdom a victory on the ridiculous answer that the average American uses 240 gallons of water a day knows eternal stupidity. Oh yes, and Pete Rose too.
As someone who showers at a minimum twice daily, preferably three times, my personal experience bore out the large number.
Though it sounds like someone wants to GUARANTEE his team doesn't win at the finals. Oh, yes, it does.
Nobody's younger than me, so that's cool.
...didn't you youngsters mean younger than "I"? (as opposed to younger than me?)
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