It's contest time!!!

In Her Shoes 2: In Their Shoes - Cameron Diaz returns to Philly after getting an incurable case of Toe Jam. Meanwhile, Shirley MacLaine and Toni Collette corner the drug market in the old people's home in Florida with the help of Tony Montana (Al Pacino). Romance ensues when C.D. falls in love with a shoe salesman (played by Johnny Goodtimes, at his foot smelling best) They all get together at the end when they expand the drug market to Philly.

Requiem for a Dream: The Musical - Do I really need to give a plot outline for this one?!

Gigli 2. No explanation needed.

American Ninja VI: Spam Warriors

We join American Ninja and his CIA technology expert as they enter the virtual dojo of the internet. Their enemy: the evil Eastern Eurpoean Spam lord Vlad the Emailer. Shot entirely by the eery blue glow of computer monitors, we are puzzled as to why Americam Ninja needs his split toed boots and ninja mask to strap on a virtual reality headset. Instead of throwing stars, he wields the deadly hard drive dagger.

Clinton 2 - This time she actually has constitutional authority and damn well plans to use it.

Finding Nemo II: Nemo Bites Back.

This time Nemo's father gets caught by poachers and sold to the head of the Caili drug cartel. Enlisting the help of a sting ray (appropriately named Ray) played by Samuel L Jackson, the pair cut a bloody swath thru the waters of the Carribean. In one memorable scene, Ray taunts one thug with: "I'm the m****f**** who took out Steve Irwin, you ain't s***." A Tarantino/Rodriguez Production. November 2008. Bring the Whole Family!!!

"An even more inconvenient truth"
or
"Bumper Bowling for Columbine"

Snakes on a Plane 2. This time, the snakes are unleashed in air traffic control, making it difficult to bring in all the planes. Then that hot chick from the first Snakes on a Plane arrives topless and then, well, who cares what happens next, she just walks around topless. It's awesome.

Juwanna Mann 2: More Mann Than Ever.

After being discovered playing in the WNBA in Juwanna Mann a.k.a. Jamal Jefferies find him/herself out of work again. this time Jefferies decides to go drag again as a fmeale gymnast only to find out that the Eastern European girls have bigger balls than he does.

Over the Top II: QuizzoWars

In which Darth Ern (as Lincoln Hawk) takes on Bob T. (as that bald dude with the snear) in one mean match of who is the biggest lover of Bush (the president, not the other kind), I mean arm wrestling.

Ern has entered this competition to win back the love of his tree huggin', global warmin' believin', Mets lovin', liberal son (played by PalestraJon).

PalestraJon has just finished successfully representing an environmental group, and Ern/Hawk stares into the mirror with a look of shame. "What can I do to bring back my son...I thought he was my frwwwiiiieeennndd??"

Soon, the arm wresting begins. Ern defeats Bob T. handily and then finds Osama and saves America from certain doom.

Charles Bukowski shows up (played by that drunken guy I saw at Frank's and/or McGlinchy's last week) and has a consolation beer and five shots with Bob T.

PalestraJon, suddenly realizing he is a leading Philadelphia lawyer and should be laughing all the way to the bank, switches to the dark side of the force and applies to take the place of Karl Rove (played by Trivia Art).

Steve Odabashian (as himself) is the referee for the whole match and even plays a little piano during the father/son reuniting montage segment. He plays "Sailing," of course.

Go Phils!

- Since Johnny is neglecting his website I guess I'll fill in.
- Johnny is at the head of the line for the American Idol tryouts. He thinks he has a shot with his rendition of "What A Feeling". The people who volunteered their IPods also get to make up and ask the questions this week. Just remember, if Johnny don't make it on Idol he gets 90% of the take.
- This just in - There's a vacancy at the Helmsley Hotel.
- Lil' Bow Wow and Snoop Dogg no longer consider Michael Vick their favorite football player.
Finally, Michael Vick and his lawyer are doing a remake of "The Falcon And The Snowman"

32 Candles (Sixteen Candles 2). Sam realizes the shallow bo-hunk she
married is as relevant to her life as that too-tight members-only jacket
he insists on wearing. She sees her life come full circle when her 14
year old daughter's dream of fame is realized when she is chosen as a
finalist in a nationwide search to be the new "face" of the Gardasil
vaccine.

Electrocuting An Elephant 2: Electric Boogaloo (because every sequel should be called Electric Boogaloo).

This is the sequel to the infamous 1903 film made by Thomas Edison in which we see Topsy the elephant being electrocuted as a way for Edison to prove that his DC power was more effective and less dangerous than AC power.

This movie would actually be a prequel as the original film only shows Topsy being executed and doesn't get into the backstory.

Topsy was a member of the Forepaugh Circus at Coney Island's Luna Park led by entrepreneur, businessman and circus owner Adam Forepaugh (played by Steve Odabashian) and had killed three men in three years including an abusive trainer who tried to feed her a lit cigarette (played by Darth Ern).

After these deaths, Topsy was deemed a threat to people by her owners and was sentenced to death. Johnny Goodtimes would play the lovable carnie and stable boy who was charged with caring and cleaning Topsy in the weeks leading up to her death.

Originally, Topsy was sentenced to be hanged, but the ASPCA protested and refused to allow it. The head of the ASPCA who crusaded for the more humane death of Topsy would be played by Edward Norton.

Eventually, Thomas Edison (played by Jason Robards, who luckily for us, already filmed his scenes before his death in 2000), steps in and recommends electrocution.

This thing ends sadder than Old Yeller as Johnny the stable boy is forced to feed Topsy cyanide laced carrots in order to reinforce the execution. Just as Topsy is set to be executed, we see Edison throw the switch and then the screen immediately cuts to black.

A Cry in the Dark II - Dingoes on the Prowl

A pack of pedivorous dingoes heads into Sydney, looking for fresh meat.

I won't be around to collect the reward, so I'm going to list anything that comes to mind.

Braveheart 2: Brus-Balliol Blowout!

Matrix 4: Holy Sh!t, We Still Live In A Wasteland

The Breakfast Club 2: 'Cause They Gots Nuttin' Betta To Do

Hudson Hawk 2: B!tch, You Haven't Even Heard Of The First One

Highlander 5: More Sexy Raspy-ness From Christopher Lambert

Saw 4: Nothing But Saws!

Dr. Strangelove 2: (meh, I don't have a good subtitle for that one...)

Space Jam 2: [featuring Ron Artest, Tim Donaghy, Rasheed Wallace, Bruce Bowen, Jason Williams and more!]

Invincible 2: The Rest of Papale's Career

Nice plot outline, Chill Rob A. But what's a "snear"? Is it near to a sneer but not quite there?

As for the arm wrestling, I would concede to Ern. I'm not so much Bush-loving as anti-Bush-hating. So I'm only a bush lover, not a Bush lover.

Brahahahahahaha!

Taxi Driver II-

Due to a change in New York state law, Travis Bickle is finally tried for murdering Sport the pimp. After he spends time in prison for the wanton acts of violence he committed in the first film, he decides upon his release to rededicate himself to driving his cab and staying out of trouble.

For two and a half mind-blowingly boring hours we watch as he drives around New York picking up fares, most of whom do not say anything other than their destination. One of them coughs softly for about 3 seconds, though. Finally, in the last scene, Betsy (originally played by Cybil Shepard, but strangely played here by Queen Latifah) once again gets in his cab, and Travis laughs and says "Oh brother!" Cue end music- the Benny Hill Show theme.

"The Graduate-2."

After several glorious months with his new wife, Ben decides that they should re-build the bridges with their families that were destroyed by their somewhat impulsive elopement. Besides, he's running short of cash, and he's begun to realize that love, while nice while it lasts, won't pay the bills. And he misses that upper middle class lifestyle that he affected to despise, and which he sure as hell can't afford now. And, since his wife is now pregnant things are going to get even tighter. He sure didn't have to worry about condoms and diaphragms and all that shit with Mrs. Robinson. Speaking of Mrs. Robinson, he rather misses his old fuck buddy.

So amid much crying and hugging everybody makes up and Ben and his wife move into the guest house on his parents estate. Well, it isn't long before Ben and Mrs. R are banging away again like a couple of horny teenagers. Ben's wife suspects but doesn't want to upset things. Besides, she is now having an affair with Ben's father. Ben discovers this affair, but he is hardly in a position to complain, and decides to just ignore things. Life is good, and he's enjoying his meteoric rise in the plastics industry.

So everybody is reasonably contented. It would seem that Mr. Robinson and Ben's mother are getting the short end of the stick here, but as we learn at the end of the movie they've been screwing each other for years. In fact, Mrs. Robinson originally seduced Ben to get back at them both for this affair.

Coo coo cachoo.

Oh, here's my email, JGT.

Casablanca 2 (direct-to-video)

65 years after putting Ilsa on that plane, Rick (played by a computer-generated Humphrey Bogart) has relocated to Philadelphia and opened a piano/karaoke bar (let's call it Cascablanca). "Sam" (Pam Grier) still plays the piano but also doubles as bouncer. Fresh out of rehab, Louie (in a breakout performance by John Street) spends most of his time in the back room operating a dogfighting ring with members of City Council. CGI Rick's scenes consist almost exclusively of standing outside the bar smoking. Cut to the final scene: Rick, lying in bed next to Lauren Bacall, says "I just had the weirdest dream" and recounts his story. She says "Your name was Blaine? That's a major appliance, that's not a name".

The King and II:

After killing the President of the United States (Charlie Sheen) simply by disagreeing with him, Anna (Lucy Lawless)becomes unhinged and goes on a contrarian rampage by voicing opinions, voting, and wearing trousers.

Her childhood nanny (Louise Fletcher affecting a British accent)is brought in to subdue her. Anna is sentenced to hard labor, leaving the door open for The King and III: Live Free or Thai Hard.

I've often wondered about the "meteoric" thing. Meteors fall, don't they? So how does one's career enjoy a "meteoric" rise, Mr. ee?

Jane in Love.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man who has a lot of money needs a woman to spend that money on. I mean, everybody knows that. If not that, than what are women for?

So, anyway, here we have an early 19th century woman, quite accomplished. She hasn't been on Ophrah yet, but give her time. She's written a couple of novels about the courtship rituals of the folks she's known. So anyway she meets a "suitable" guy, falls in love. He hasn't any money. She doesn't have any money. If only we had some money. What a bitch. It's the same old story. Things just go straight to hell.

So he dies. Consumption or some such thing. Maybe a broken heart? Whatever.

She remains true to his memory. For years. And years.

One day she wakes up, and decides she's had just about enough. Life is for the living, she thinks. Go for it, she decides. I mean, life may be a cliche. So then I'll be a cliche.

The Sequel.

She places a personal ad- single woman in possession of a not particularly large fortune in need of a husband. Send picture please. Hundreds of applicants.

She goes out on dates. Hits the hot spots in Bath. Does the scene in Brighton. Very UC.

She has a lot of fun. Then one night she meets a tall dark Byronic type stranger. He asks her to take a walk in the moonlight with him. She thinks, why the hell not.

The next day, they find her body. Her throat has been slashed. Her body is displayed on the promenade. Some of her internal organs are missing.

Jane in Love.

Dadgum it. You guys have me in more movies than my old friend, Samuel L. Jackson!
Garrett; per your request! "Dr. Strangelove; or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Global Warming" Brawhahahahaha!

THE OUTSIDERS 2: PONYBOY'S GOLDEN SHOWER

We all know that the original S.E. Hinton novel turned greaser-flick is the most latently homosexual work on record, next to camera phone footage of JGT's cowboy rap at QuizzoBowl.

This sequal drop's the "latently" and goes for the homo-jugular. It's basically the original cast (Howell, Swayze, Estevez, Cruise, Dillon, etc) in their mid-forties, potbellied and hung over, sitting around in greaser garb, smoking cigarettes and giving each other HJ's. They never even leave the house.

Film Highlight (spoiler alert): Ralph Macchio breaks character as he spoons with Howell, and sobs as he recalls one night at the Viper Room when he had a three-way with Ally Sheedy and Pat Morita.

*Tom Waits does NOT make another cameo in the sequal, but Morrissey provides the soundtrack.

Back to School II: Ph.D(arth) Ern.

Wait just a minute, is Ern the reincarnated Rodney Dangerfield? Hmmm....

No respect, huh, Ern.....Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!

Dirty Dancing 2: (what better way to commemorate 20 years of raunch)

Baby, (Angelina Jolie) now Franny (for a while she was Frances) has become jaded with her environmentally correct life, her way-too-driven mission, and her Greenpeace compatriots whom she now sees as sickening hypocrites and whiny brats, and has abandoned her over-the-top passion to save the world and is living a life of wild self indulgence, dancing and generally overdoing it down in Jamaica at HedenizmTOO, (sister Lisa is covering for her again) which Max Kellerman (Walter Mathau) has bought after that big disappointment with his mountain house. Max has been liberated, too.

Johnny (Brad Pitt) on the other hand, touched by the conscience of his Baby, has managed to get a degree in Fine Arts from West Virginia University, and secured a tenured post there teaching undergraduates the smooth, uncluttered motions of modern dance. He loves the slow, emotive movements of the form, and besides, his knees are shot. He has adopted three Bangladeshi boys and opened an ashram on the side. He misses Baby, but she has apparently abandoned him for dancing and booze. He doesn’t know about her newly libertine life.

After one of her so-called friends, Patty, ODs on cocaine and tequila, Franny sees no choice but to call Daddy again. He arrives by bi-plane on the island with his little black bag, and after looking disappointedly at Franny, and disgustedly at string-bikinied Patty, delivers the drug that brings her around. Everyone is relieved, except Franny, who sees another crisis of conscience and family coming around again. This time she skips the speeches, and instead, begs for forgiveness and reconciliation with the family. Johnny, on a stop-over on the way to Bangladesh to pick up another poverty-stricken tyke, sees the diminished Franny, and to the delight of Dr. Houseman and the despair of Max, gathers up Franny, who is quivering with shame, and takes off with her to Bangladesh.

Meteors don't fall. Meteorites fall. So I say you can have a meteoric rise since a meteor is flying past and out through the universe. I'd consider that a rise.

Howard the Duck 2 : Daffy's Revenge

Leonard Part 7 : The quest for Puddin Pops

Charlie & The Chocolate Rain Factory

Cool As Ice 2 : The Meltdown

From Justin to Kelly 2 : Fox owns Us

Glitter 2 : Mimi's Revenge

You Got Served 2 : Supersize That?

Rocky 2.

A quick thought: What are the odds that some suit at Disney happens to check out this thread, and in a year or so one of these ideas actually gets greenlighted (with a few extraneous animals and an Elton John score)?

Remember that episode of that Jon Lovitz cartoon, The Critic, with the musical spoof "Hunch"? You know some Disney dude was watching that with his kids, and BAM! Next thing you know, there's Quasimodo breaking into song on the big screen.

"Dances With Wolves 2; Cha-Chas' With Coyotes"
"Bonnie and Clyde 2; Eva and Adolph"
"Reservoir Dogs 2; The Return of Mr. Pink"
"300 2; 0"

Fight Club II: Let's Talk About This

The whole movie takes place in an IKEA checkout line.

Johnny, you haven't gotten such a big response to one of your postings since the last time Willie Gee wrote one of his opinion pieces.

So how about Willie Gee II?

Willie Gee decides to visit his old buddy Johnny Goodtimes in the big city for a couple of days. While playing quizzo, he meets smackdown. Willie is instantly smitten. It's love at first sight. At least on his side.

He asks smackdown for her phone number. She says, "Sorry, I don't go out with losers. You don't even have a job. Your highest ambition in life is to get back on unemployment compensation. I don't think you could afford me." In the background, Willie hears some guy start to laugh. "Brawhahahahaha."

Willie is crestfallen. After returning home and moping around Delmarva for a few days, he picks himself up, dusts off his crest, and decides to do something about it. He'll show her. He'll turn his life around. He'll become a success. Then he'll win smackdown's heart.

Willie reads that book about the seven habits of really successful people, and that book about the color of your parachute. He works up a good resume and starts applying for jobs. His old friend the prez hires him as a corporate strategist trainee.

Willie shows a real talent for corporate strategy, and his career takes off like a meteorite. Or a meteor. Whatever. He starts making six figures. Then high six figures. He wears expensive suits. Drives a Lexus. He even throws out his Confederate flag shorts. He starts to buy low and sell high.

After a while, Willie comes back to Philadelphia. He's been hired to teach a seminar at the Wharton School. He goes to quizzo one night, hoping to bump into smackdown again. He sees her, casually walks over, and gets into a conversation with her. During the conversation, Willie manages to work in details about his exciting, high salary career. He casually mentions his Lexus. He makes a reference to his string of poloponies.

Things seem to be going well, so with "Sailing" playing in the background he asked smackdown for her phone number. She says, "Sorry. I don't go out with you corporate types. All you're interested in is money. How shallow."

Willie slinks out of the bar, past the two guys in front arguing vehemently about the Iraqi war, with "Brawhahahaha" echoing in his ears.

Walking Dead Man

Directed by George Romero

Several days after the execution of Matthew Poncelet (Sean Penn), a chemical spill from a nearby factory floods the graveyard where Poncelet is buried, filling the earth with a strange chemical that brings the dead back to life, and turning them into flesh eating ghouls.

Once Poncelet is reanimated, he heads out seeking revenge on those who convicted him to death.

Thanks to Poncelet's rampage, the streets of New Orleans are crawling with zombies.

Sister Helen Prejean (Susan Sarandon), somehow forms a bond with the soulless zombie horde and manages to entice them all into a large Catholic Church. Once all of the undead are secured inside the sanctuary, Prejean exits the church, bolts the doors shut, pulls a rocket launcher from her habit and blows the cathedral to bits, effectively reducing the monsters to ash.

As the smoke clears, only one zombie remains, Poncelet. The nun takes his hand and leads him from the devastation saying, "I'll be the face of love for you".

I think that Bob T has a really good setting for his movie, but their should perhaps be some changes in the storyline. In this one it all goes wrong and I dont even keep it real. I could at least become a big time drug dealer or something instead of going corporate.
As for my sequel idea, I think maybe a sequel to Cool Runnings, but this one is called Racist Runnings. It is a fictional story about the Confederate Bobsled team in a situation where history is altered due to the South winning the Civil War. What happened was that Stonewall never died, those cigar papers were never left behind, and the South took Gettysburg and were then granted their independence. The story takes place in the present, and the CSA decides to participate in bobsleding and other events in the 2010 Winter Olympics in an attempt to expand culturally. It appears as if there is no interest from anyone in the CSA for the bobseld competition, and then an unbelievably athletic former NFL QB who was thrown out of the league for dog fighting and fresh from prison named Frank Dick(Denzel Washington) decides to try his hand in some bobsleding. They talk Jimmy Johnson (Tom Berrenger) out of retirement and into being their coach. Johnson then recruits three huge rednecks to compliment Dick on the team. Johnson first gets a race car driver named Stewart Anthony, the craziest NASCAR driver and shine runner in the South. He then gets a random redneck with some serious athletic skills named Skeeter, who also consumes an ungodly amount of alcohol, weed, pills, and pretty much anything else he can get his hands on. The final team member is named PJ Pyros, and he is probably the biggest racist this side of New York City. He loves all sports and doesnt want to have to get a real job, but he hates him some blacks. At first he doesnt even want to join the team because of Dick, but the two eventually become great friends. Pyros then changes his whole family's opinion about black people.
When they go to the olympics, the sled is rigged up with parts from a truck and a race car. It is rickety. The South does well but falls short in the end due to inferior equipment, but the highlight comes as they edge out the USA to make the second round. Also, this movie portrays the south to have turned out to be a pretty wonderful place and the north was even more corrupt and out of control than the USA is now.

Great concept, Pax. I particularly like the idea of New Orleans crawling with zombies.

But if you manage to kill off Sean Penn, even in a movie, why would you want to bring him back?

Schindler's List II: Schindler's Posse

Oskar Schindler was too busy with his industry to pick up on the fact that all the people he was saving were Jews. He thought he was just saving random people, and gets PISSED when he learns that he missed out on his big chance to act out on his anti-Semitic feelings. He goes to the Mideast where he puts together a ragtag squad of experts to destroy the new state of Israel.

Meanwhile, an awkward Israeli teenager is pressured into joining the military by his overbearing but well-meaning father. While on patrol duty, he finds Schindler's NEW list, this one comprised of things to buy to blow up the Knesset. He shows the list to his superior but his superior doesn't believe him. In fact, the only one who believes him is a female soldier who, at first, wouldn't give him the time of day. They decide they must thwart Schindler's Posse before it wreaks mayhem on their country.

The piece of paper that our protagonist found leads them directly to Schindler's Lair, which, despite intense security, they infiltrate with relative ease. After killing off a few minions, the two confront Schindler himself. He holds the female hostage until the protagonist leaves, but he finds some conveniently placed item that allows him to kill Schindler while he is not suspecting, thereby saving the day.

Jaws vs. Rocky.

Rocky is looking for a box with Mick's gold watch inside, which was lost at sea years ago. He discovers that it is inside an underwater cave that Jaws is living in. He challenges Jaws to a bout for the gold watch. Bob Cat Goldthwait is the voice of Jaws.

Ghandi 2 Electric Boogaloo
Peace Guru Ghandi only faked his death so he could go undercover in order to bust up a Colombian drug ring that breakdances. With Mario van Peebles as the pope.

The Green Kilometer
Micheal Clark Duncan and Tom Hanks return in the continuing story of a prison guard and a giant black man who loves the metric system. With Mario Van Peebles as Mr. Jingles

Footloose 2: Footlooser

Suck on it, nerds!

Footloose 2: Live Foot or Die Loose

Suck on it, nerds!

Ah crap, I hit Post twice. Now I look like a douche.

Lambada - the dance that's been legal since 2006.

The Lambada, the once forbidden, but now legal dance takes center stage as THE dance of choice for Americans. Billy (played by Gerardo - with an R, not an L) falls for his family servant (played by Vanilla Ice). Yeah. It's a gay movie too. This film has everything for the whole family.

Lambada is everywhere. From church halls to high school gyms to Arby's dining rooms. It's Lambada, all-day (and of course, ALL NIGHT, heh heh heh).

The movie (widely though to be a thinly veiled metaphor for the legalization of drugs) will break all records held by other movies centering around once-forbidden dances (i.e., "Krush Groovin").

Hey. Let's give my film a name.

Hmmmm....I'm thinking "Lambada 2 - barely Legal".

Annie Hall II.

Well, it's been thirty years, more or less, since Alvy and Annie broke up, and they've both gotten on with their lives. Well more or less. Annie at first was pretty upset, but despite their protestations to the contrary, women really do handle that sort of thing better than men, and she soon landed right on her feet. She spent a couple of weeks visiting her brother at his ashram in northern California, and decided that his thing wasn't really her thing. She was a fashion designer for a year or so in New York, but then her signature look proved to be pretty transitory. So she decided to spend some time at home, and while there, reconnected with her Midwestern Protestant roots. She started dating a local guy with whom she'd gone to high school and who had gone into banking, got engaged, then married, had three children, two boys and a girl, done the Mommy thing, PTA, Junior League, local country club, riding lessons for the kids, finished her degree, B.A. in English, and, in short, had made a somewhat boring, but nevertheless satisfying life for herself.

Alvy, on the other hand, had thought about moving for thirty years but never got around to it, had been involved in thirty-five relationships, not counting the ones that lasted less than a month, or the dozens of dates arranged for him by his elderly aunt. All of these dates were with Jewish women, and Alvy, like many Jewish men, was not particularly attracted to Jewish women. (He'd leave them for the WASPS, and they were welcome to them.) He worried constantly about his health, got tested for HIV every three months, and obsessed about his continuing problem with erectile dysfunction. In short, he has gone on with his life as usual.

Anyway, after her husband's sudden death-- he had a heart attack while in bed with his executive assistant on a business trip-- Annie decides to move back to New York. Except for her youngest boy, who is "finding" himself at Bennington College, her children are grown. In the grand tradition of movie heroines, she is financially independent. She finds a suitable Manhatten apartment-- the sort of place that in real life only hedge fund managers could afford, but in movies seem to be available to quite ordinary people. She spends her time going to museums, gallery openings, used bookstores, expensive bistros, and generally having a swell time.

One afternoon, tired after a long day of shopping in really cool used clothing stores, she stops in the Russian Tea Room. She sees Alvy at a table across the room. (Alvy has recently broken up with a retired Russian ballet dancer whom he considered to be too frivolous, and is busy poring over his most recent blood work.) She recognizes him immediately, which isn't all that hard because he's still wearing the same black-framed glasses, although with thicker lenses, the same sort of chino pants, maybe four inches wider around the waist, and the one of the same crew neck sweaters he wore when they broke up thirty years before, although a bit the worse for wear.

JGT's website swallowed the rest of my story, so I'll have to finish this at a later date.

"Honey, I Shrunk The Kids 2; Honey, I Screwed The Kids" Starring Woody Allen. Directed by Roman Pulanski.

Philadelphia II: Manayunk Style
Everyone who lives in Manayunk gets AIDS and dies... SLOWLY.
It stars Scrubs' Zach Braff, who also puts together the saddest soundtrack ever. Although, whenever anyone dies, you hear the Scrubs song ("OOhh oohh ohh...I'm no Superman!")

And Inconvenient Truth II: Halitosis
Al Gore babbles on for 90 minutes with a powerpoint presention about the ills of bad breath. Penguins die.

Father of the Bride III: Daughter of the Deceased
Can planning a funeral be ANY WACKIER???

Farenheit 9/11: The Prequel
Documents the 200 years before 2001, when the rest of nation collectively hated New York City.

SAM I AM II: It's So Easy
Dakota Fanning's a teenager, and has very little trouble convincing her father to let her go to "the library" every night. It's just SEX-SEX-SEX.

RED DAWN II
Just like THE OUTSIDERS II (see above) but at the climax of every HJ, they yell "WOLVERINES!!"

FERRIS BUELLER'S COMP TIME - Now firmly ensconced in his 40s, Ferris is now a working stiff who, like Peter Pan in "Hook," has forgotten what it's like to actually take a day off and enjoy life. So with the help of the neurotic and debt-ridden Cameron, Ferris uses his accumulated Comp Time and the two head out and, high on coke, rob banks ala Butch and Sundance.

BREAKFAST CLUB 2: The Geek (who now works at McDonald's as crew chief), the Jock (who can now balance a beer can on his belly while his hand is down his shorts), the Princess (welfare baby-momma more like it with three kids from three fathers), the Basket Case (successful Chicago reporter for the Tribune) and the Criminal (City Councilman running for Senate) are back and better than ever in this action-packed sequel to 1985's THE BREAKFAST CLUB. Set on the mean, hard streets of Chicago Suburbia this sequel picks up with the gang meeting up again - this time in group therapy, where they are joined by other stereotypical characters like Gay Friend, Cranky Boss and Token Black (played by the incomparable Wayne Brady). When the group comes together there's laughter, there's tears (especially when they learn that principal Dick Vernon has since passed away to that schoolyard in the sky), there's mayhem as the 8 try to find ways to break out of their neuroses.

Well Ern gave away the suprise ending of "Annie II." Annie and Alvy get back together again, but after several months, break up, hopefully for good this time. In the final scene, Annie addresses the camera, and reveals that the real reason for the breakup, actually both breakups, is that Alvy is just a little too interested in adolescent girls.

Look Who's Not Talking: We Think SHe's Autistic

AMistad 2: For Pete's Sake Take 'em Back!

Holes 2: A History of Women's Rights

AMerican Flyers 2: Not on My Plane you DIrty Arab

much Ado About Nothing 2: Holocaust Shmolocaust
Directed by Mel Gibson

Teen Wolf 4: Party at Blitzer's!

Bachelor Party 2: The Search For WHoever Shit in the Piano

Princess Diaries 3: 100 Reasons WHy Dodi Al-Fayed is Dreamy

WHo's That Girl 2: Oh Nevermind That's Just Zac Efron

That Thing You Do 2: The Art of Hiding Your Penis

She's Having A Baby 2: This Time...It's Pre-natal!

Adventures in Babysitting 2: John Mark Karr-te Blanche

Nightmare on ELm Street 9: Black Neighbors

The Horse Whisperer 2: Introduction of the Carrot

They Call Me Mr. Tibbs 2: No More Mr. "N" Word

Heavyweights 2; Camp Diabetes

Mask 2: Revenge of Garr's Moustache

Final Fantasy 2: Autoeroticasphyxiation

Lady With One Red Shoe 2: Being Chased BY rAPISTS

In The Still of the Night 2: Stephen Hawking's Orderly Called out Sick for the Night SHift

Hope Floats: Laci Peterson Doesn't

Snakes on a dirigible.

"I have had it with these mother****ing snakes on this mother****ing blimp!"

Following the success of Freddy vs. Jason - and the PG-13 rated Aliens v. Predator, comes Braveheart vs. Gladiator.

In Rome, the Queen and the Pope are about to sign a treaty. A number of their aides are found dead, the Italian police discover that many of the Italians haved been killed by a mysterious figure with a sword and blue paint on his face. Meanwhile, on the England-Scotland border, a bunch of cops have been killed by a strange figure in Roman armor...

Eventually, the British forces discover that London and Rome's ancient enemies, William Wallace and General Maximus, have teamed up. Wallace is destroying Rome, while Maximus attack London. However, their alliance begins to fall apart as Maximus sees Wallace attack a generic Jewish family and spout anti-semetic catchphrases; while Wallace sees Maximus get drunk and throw telephones at hotel staff. Eventually, Wallace and Maximus battle each other while the main characters survive; but the Queen is set to declare war on the Pope for the next sequel....

And it can all be seen in Braveheart versus Gladiator.

Pay it Backward: In a fit of otherworldly revenge for being stabbed to death at the end of Pay It Forward, Zombie Haley Joel Osment returns from the grave, performing bad acts against three people and encouraging them to do the same. A nation-wide "pay it backward" movement begins, until the ultimate goal is reached: horrible retribution against those responsible for "Pay it Forward."

American History XI- Derek Vinyard once again gets pulled into an underground world populated by evil old white men: The Freemasons. Seduced by their power, he rises high in the ranks before uncovering their vast worldwide conspiracy and must break free. Our emotional climax arrives as Derek looks as himself in the mirror, now covered with tattoos of Squares and Compasses and Pyramids. He covers the All-Seeing Eye inked on his chest and weeps. Also, there are Zombies.

Cocoon III: Cocoon in Cancuun
Guttenberg limbos. Brimley hates Mexicans. There is probably a pinata involved.

The Red Balloon II: Just Fucking Say Something!

I Know My First Name is Steven II: I Think My Phone Number is (215)367-2843

All Dogs Go to Heaven II: Not So Fast, Patches!

Hoosiers II: Let's Recruit Some Colored Fellas

From Here To Eternity II: The Long Walk Home

The Village II: Hell, I'll Bang The Blind Chick! Starring Owen Wilson

Zapped III: Baio's Prostate Gets It

My Left Foot II: I can't believe I sprained my fucking ankle!

On Golden Pond II:
Jane Fonda's Catch Phrase: "It's been so long since I've been here... What's that smell from inside the cabin? Mom?? DAD???? NOOOO!!!!!"

CAPRICORN TWO: In a sequel to that outstanding 1978 action feature about a faked Mars mission, the Bush administration takes one from its playbook. Wanting to scare the Iranians into behaving like good world citizens (i.e., toeing the US line), the Bushies concoct a fake invasion of Iran---something which is impossible due to the absurd overextension of US forces around the world. Using powerful offshore transmitters that take over Iranian television stations, the US sends in a fake "army" led by OJ Simpson, reprising his all time role. There is great footage of entire phalanxes of those evil black helicopters used in the original, now made possible by the same video technology that was used in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to create the Oompa Loompas and in 300 to create whole armies, shooting up the Revolutionary Guard. Just when the Iranians are on the verge of capitulation, a dirty left wing anti-government activist (played, of course, by Alec Baldwin) discovers the ruse and tips off the Iranian government. Not knowing of Baldwin's traitorous actions, and certain that he has been forgiven by the American people for his murder spree, OJ volunteers to go to Iran to accept the surrender of the government with a few selected Green Beret types. OJ marched into Tehran, only to see a giant TV screen announce that the mullahs have reasserted control over the media and that the American invasion was all faked. As 10,000 rifles bear down on him, OJ realizes that he has no alternative but to once again attempt his mad dash across the airport to get to a waiting escape plane. However, as OJ is a bit slower than in 1978, the entire scene is shot in super slow motion as the bullets hit him about, say, 10,000 times. His body twists, spins and explodes with every successive bullet hit. Finally, he does a death throes scene to outdistance the most outlandish one in movie history (William Shatner in Star Trek-Generations) and dies. The Iranians rip his body apart and put it on stakes at the airport for travelers to see as they enter the country. A postscript for the movie mourns OJ, whose death scene was real.

"Z for Zathura"

From director Jon Favreau and the writing team of the Wachowski brothers, comes an epic space film that finishes where "V for Vendetta" and "Zathura: A Space Adventure" left off.

Expect long winded, contrived dialogue using alliteration, scenes of intense violence, all in the world of Jumanji. And for some reason, it's in space.

It's the film you never knew you wanted.

Cool as Ice 2
"If You Can't Take the Heat, Get out of the Kitchen"

Vanilla Ice reprises his role as bad boy Johnny Van Owen.

Now 40 years old, Johnny attempts to get his life in order after several bouts with crystal meth addiction and crime. After landing a part-time job at an auto garage, he rekindles his love of bright yellow motorcycles and leather, a love he discovers he shares with his estranged 17 year old son, Johnny Dueces.

Upon discovering Dueces has been hanging with the wrong crowd, Johnny must return to the streets he left behind to save his son from following the same path as his father.

Signs II:
The aliens return for another invasion of Earth this time sporting protective Big Bird yellow rain ponchos. They start the invasion again at the driest places on earth (the Middle East, southern India, and Bucks County PA). The final scene takes place in a boarded up Doylestown where Pat Burell is batting the heads off the aliens at a brisk .230 clip.
Standard M. Night twist: It's a cookbook!